Sister forum[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Apr 28, 2013 10:43 pm
Um, no please don't do that; it would be extremely inconvenient. I shall now be ignoring the spoilered part of this post. If you wish me to correct any more typos you find, please put them in a new post. If you wish to officially point out the typos you meant to put in this post, please either put them in the new post or include in the new post a statement that you have abandoned your plan to update this post. Sorry.Ketchup wrote:Another two. I think I'll edit this post as I see them.
- Spoiler:
That quotation mark is missing.
“Absolutely not! I have orders! You must leave immediate, or we’ll shoot you all! Really! I mean it!” I sighed; I really did not want to do things this way. “O…one! T… two!” he began in his high strung voice. I watched the milling blue bars. Red and it’s dead…
'immediately'?
Ah, thank you.OneMoreDaySK wrote:Typos, will add more when found
- Spoiler:
- Spoiler:
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Ketchup Sun Apr 28, 2013 11:06 pm
Eh... okay. Plan was to add additional spoilers, but I will abide by your instruction.O. Hinds wrote:Um, no please don't do that; it would be extremely inconvenient. I shall now be ignoring the spoilered part of this post. If you wish me to correct any more typos you find, please put them in a new post. If you wish to officially point out the typos you meant to put in this post, please either put them in the new post or include in the new post a statement that you have abandoned your plan to update this post. Sorry.Ketchup wrote:Another two. I think I'll edit this post as I see them.
- Spoiler:
That quotation mark is missing.
“Absolutely not! I have orders! You must leave immediate, or we’ll shoot you all! Really! I mean it!” I sighed; I really did not want to do things this way. “O…one! T… two!” he began in his high strung voice. I watched the milling blue bars. Red and it’s dead…
'immediately'?
Very sorry.
Here's another.
- Spoiler:
- Trottenhimer is used in these places:
Trottenheimer in these:“Pinkie Pie arrested Clovertail again, Trottenhimer,”
“I doubt she sees it that way. Clovertail is scum. You know what he’s done,” Trottenhimer said in a harsh voice.
“There’re a lot of those in Equestria these days,” Trottenhimer remarked. “Is that why you look like hell?”
“I’m worried about you, Goldie. Everypony at the office is,” Trottenhimer replied. “If they knew your plan…”
“And if it doesn’t?” Trottenhimer murmured, barely audible in the recording.
“I’ve been practicing what I’ll say for my last trial. Or right before my execution.” Goldenblood gave a hollow, grim little laugh. It soon died, and Trottenhimer didn’t share it.
Trottenhimer didn’t say a word.
Not sure which is correct, I believe it's Trottenheimer by memory.“Bully for her. What about you?” Trottenheimer asked.
“That’s not funny. I wish you wouldn’t joke like that,” Trottenheimer muttered.
“Before Fluttershy?” Trottenheimer asked sharply.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by tylertoon2 Sun Apr 28, 2013 11:07 pm
Guess What?
That's all I really have to say about the chapter.
- Spoiler:
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 16 Queen+PNG](http://userserve-ak.last.fm/serve/500/45625545/Queen+PNG.png)
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 16 Queen1-1000](https://2img.net/h/www.michaelyon-online.com/images/stories/110712queen/Queen1-1000.jpg)
That's all I really have to say about the chapter.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Apr 28, 2013 11:18 pm
Ah, thank you very much. Sorry if my particularness annoyed you.Ketchup wrote:Eh... okay. Plan was to add additional spoilers, but I will abide by your instruction.O. Hinds wrote:Um, no please don't do that; it would be extremely inconvenient. I shall now be ignoring the spoilered part of this post. If you wish me to correct any more typos you find, please put them in a new post. If you wish to officially point out the typos you meant to put in this post, please either put them in the new post or include in the new post a statement that you have abandoned your plan to update this post. Sorry.Ketchup wrote:Another two. I think I'll edit this post as I see them.
- Spoiler:
That quotation mark is missing.
“Absolutely not! I have orders! You must leave immediate, or we’ll shoot you all! Really! I mean it!” I sighed; I really did not want to do things this way. “O…one! T… two!” he began in his high strung voice. I watched the milling blue bars. Red and it’s dead…
'immediately'?
Very sorry.
Here's another.
- Spoiler:
“I doubt she sees it that way. Clovertail is scum. You know what he’s done,” Trottenhimer said in a harsh voice.
“There’re a lot of those in Equestria these days,” Trottenhimer remarked. “Is that why you look like hell?”
“I’m worried about you, Goldie. Everypony at the office is,” Trottenhimer replied. “If they knew your plan…”
“And if it doesn’t?” Trottenhimer murmured, barely audible in the recording.
“I’ve been practicing what I’ll say for my last trial. Or right before my execution.” Goldenblood gave a hollow, grim little laugh. It soon died, and Trottenhimer didn’t share it.
Trottenhimer didn’t say a word.Not sure which is correct, I believe it's Trottenheimer by memory.“Bully for her. What about you?” Trottenheimer asked.
“That’s not funny. I wish you wouldn’t joke like that,” Trottenheimer muttered.
“Before Fluttershy?” Trottenheimer asked sharply.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Moodyman90 Sun Apr 28, 2013 11:22 pm
Well... didn't see that ending coming. I had to suppress a coughing fit it surprised me so.
Also because the whole dorm is on 24 hour quiet time for finals and I'm sure as hell not going to be the asshole making loud noises at 11 PM.
Also because the whole dorm is on 24 hour quiet time for finals and I'm sure as hell not going to be the asshole making loud noises at 11 PM.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by OneMoreDaySK Sun Apr 28, 2013 11:41 pm
- Spoiler:
Missing Periodas written, along with a picture of Fluttershy hugging the box I opened it up and stared at the metal case.
Dat ending.
Playing Bioshock Infinite definitely sets up some opinions for what Blackjack will or won't do.
Curses, another month to go. Whelp, better start my countdown timer.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Moodyman90 Sun Apr 28, 2013 11:44 pm
I want to make a witty retort about Bioshock Infinite, but between that game and the new chapter there's too many spoilers to be had.
Plus it's almost midnight so it probably wouldn't be that witty.
Plus it's almost midnight so it probably wouldn't be that witty.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Apr 28, 2013 11:58 pm
Ah, thank you. The doc is full now, but I've put this on a list.OneMoreDaySK wrote:
- Spoiler:
Dat ending.
Playing Bioshock Infinite definitely sets up some opinions for what Blackjack will or won't do.
Curses, another month to go. Whelp, better start my countdown timer.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Train Dodger Mon Apr 29, 2013 12:12 am
Found a typo:
Also, Ketchup updated their post on the last page of this thread with another typo, but that was before Hinds laid down the law. Just in case, I'll repeat it here so it doesn't go unnoticed:
- Spoiler:
- I asked as we drove through the desolate district. I magically pulled the macabre remains of the graffiti artist from the rusted metal as the we passed, letting the ganger corpse clatter down to the rest of the bones scattered along the sidewalks.
Typo: [the we] > [we]
Also, Ketchup updated their post on the last page of this thread with another typo, but that was before Hinds laid down the law. Just in case, I'll repeat it here so it doesn't go unnoticed:
- Spoiler:
- P-21 leaned over and started talking with Glory about ways that they might handle the lightning rods and what’d they’d need to plug me into Rampage.
Typo: [what'd they'd] > [what they'd]
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Ketchup Mon Apr 29, 2013 12:14 am
It did not. I should have been more considerate of convenience.O. Hinds wrote:
Ah, thank you very much. Sorry if my particularness annoyed you.
Only one more typo I picked up.
- Spoiler:
Hippocratic Research is the name of the facility. Thus, 'research' should be capitalized.Hippocratic research
All in all, the large amount of dialogue wasn't bad at all. I enjoyed the chapter, very relaxing.
And dat ending. Oh dear.
Didn't do a thought log, it's a hassle for me to do and keep place at the same time, so sorry to anyone who'd care.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Apr 29, 2013 2:04 am
Train Dodger wrote:Found a typo:
- Spoiler:
Typo: [the we] > [we]
Also, Ketchup updated their post on the last page of this thread with another typo, but that was before Hinds laid down the law. Just in case, I'll repeat it here so it doesn't go unnoticed:
- Spoiler:
Typo: [what'd they'd] > [what they'd]
Ah, thank you both. The errors have been added to the list.Ketchup wrote:It did not. I should have been more considerate of convenience.O. Hinds wrote:
Ah, thank you very much. Sorry if my particularness annoyed you.
Only one more typo I picked up.
- Spoiler:
All in all, the large amount of dialogue wasn't bad at all. I enjoyed the chapter, very relaxing.
And dat ending. Oh dear.
Didn't do a thought log, it's a hassle for me to do and keep place at the same time, so sorry to anyone who'd care.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Exodus Hero Mon Apr 29, 2013 2:52 am
Cptadder wrote:You post 55 in the middle of Game of Thrones?
That's cold man, ice cold.
It was pretty good though.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Mon Apr 29, 2013 3:04 am
Well, good to see it's up. Sadly, I came into it in a bit of a bad mood after finishing Mortal, which left something of a bad taste in my mouth, and may have impacted my enjoyment of the early parts of the chapter.
As ever, many thanks to Somber and the brushing team. I hope that real life starts looking up, and really do appreciate the hard work you put into this.
- Running Commentary:
I really like Rampage's lines in the opening discussion.
Rampage, though, rose to her hooves in one sinister, almost sexy movement.
Intentional callback to the turn off talk? I hope so, because that's pretty funny.
You got three Reapers here, two of the fucking top ten, and Security, and you’re thinking to keep us out?
Rampage and Deus as the two of the top ten. Blackjack never was one of the top ten, was she?
“Princess Aquilina Augusta Awesomeness the Graceful,” she said with exaggerated formality.
Good satire; I like it.
P-21 just wore a little smile that said they’d be lucky to find any weapons he’d secreted and gave a little nod.
How can one not love P-21 at times like this?
The way he kept staring at my tail was making me feel tense.
Nice to see continued discomfort regarding sexuality and males.
“There is some question as to if the contract is valid if signed under duress. After all, the perils of the Wasteland puts us all under duress in some form or another. Is starvation duress? Is sickness duress?”
“What?! There is a difference between a pony starving and a pony forced to sign or die!” Grace snapped. “Do you mean you knew about this, Splendid? Does father?”
Splendid screwed up his face and made a vague expression. “Eh, I’m sure there’s somepony investigating it. The point is that the work here is far better and safer than scrounging in the Wasteland.”
Well, my estimation of Grace just rose—fast—while my opinion of Splendid entered a nosedive. Will he salvage it?
He tried his loin melting smile on me once more, baffled that it wasn’t having the effect it once did. If it hadn’t been for Stygius, I would have bucked his head clean off his shoulders.
Nope—not yet at any rate—hell, he's not even trying. Also, glad to see this little callback, and that she isn't just over her trauma.
So you’re the only one who gets to have a set of priorities, Blackjack?
He has a good point. Sadly, I'm inclined to give some weight to Blackjack's concerns, too. Her record with regime change really isn't that good. And if nothing else, the cleanup means giving their full effort to Paradise for at least a couple days, which they just don't have, but Paradise will still be there after the immediate large-scale threats are dealt with.
He grimaced, fighting the liquid shame creeping down his cheeks.
It's a good line, on its own, but given the context I think that the reference (which I assume was intentional) might actually be negative value added.
“Because you can and I can’t!” he shouted in my face, tears running down his cheeks in frustration. “Because you have the power to do this and I don’t! You do the audacious and the impossible every single day and I know that if you wanted to change all this, you could!” He closed his eyes, shaking as if on the verge of breaking. “You do so much... do this...”
This is a very good paragraph, I think. I don't think I can say how good, or why, in a way that would really express my thoughts well, though.
“Don’t thank me just yet. I’ll help how I can, but I mean it when I say that I don’t want to slaughter the ponies in charge and trot on. I don’t have the best track record with fixing settlements, good intentions or no. So if you think we have to do it, then we’ll do it smart and right. Okay? And it might take us a while, given that I’ve got Lighthooves, Cognitum, the Legate, and who knows who else to deal with right now.”
Did Blackjack get replaced with a changeling (if they even exist), or is Twilight really having a strong effect on her? This is possibly the most reasonable thing she's ever done, and she's done it with tact, too. I wonder if, maybe, the statuettes affect ponies associated with the corresponding Bearer (here as a descendent) (or Element? not especially likely, I'd guess, but possible) more strongly?
I said at I patted him carefully. He didn’t flinch away; I supposed maybe we were past that for good.
Yay!
It’d take them a month, two if Applejack decides to try and play Ministry Mare.
Well, that sounds about right. Poor AJ.
Luna will have a government that will last a thousand years.
I know that's really just referring to Celestia's reign, but I can't help also think of the Third Reich here.
There was another ping and long screaming note.
Well, I had suspected what that might be in the preceding paragraphs, but . . . well. This throws a whole new light on things. I didn't expect Goldenblood to actually be working for the Eater, but perhaps I should have.
You know, it’s funny. I was born in the zebra lands. Learned their tribes and language. Tutored by zebras. I was more striped than any pony before the war, and when mother died, I didn’t want to come back.
Wow. I had always thought he just went there as a student or something. This says some really unflattering things about the planning session he was in before the war, and the Princesses. Their whole system kind of sucked, didn't it?
You don’t finish nightmares, Goldie. You wake up from them.
Well, not always. I'd say the Elements finished a nightmare, or at least a Nightmare.
It had to be an act. It simply had to be. Goldenblood was a villain and a murderer who’d done unspeakable things.
Riiight. Coming from miss "maybe it's not so bad here." Not the best chapter (story, even?) for this line of thought.
Other parts, like him claiming to be the great grandson of Shining Armor, Twilight Sparkle’s brother and the entitled heir to the Crystal Empire, seemed too farfetched even for the Wasteland.
Sigh . . .
I found out that Keeper’s weakness was for something called ‘strawberries’ and that Big Daddy’s hooves were ticklish.
Setup? Probably not. At least for the latter one.
I wasn’t exactly sure Boo knew what she was doing, but I had to admit that her mouth was formidable protection from Scotch’s snack cake barrage.
This brought a smile to my face.
Then her tongue swept up and collected all the dripping confection in one long circular pass and swallowed it with a gulp.
Seems a little Pinkie-ish. With the stuff from last chapter, I have to wonder. It would explain a lot. Or perhaps it's related to Discord in some way.
I wanted to shove a string of balefire eggs up her huge mutant ass and light them all up!
Glorious. Sure, you don't get to do it, and there's only one, but it will be a big one.
“Do not play jokes on government officials,”
Words to live by.
I heard him shout about fixing his Sweetie Bot first. Wonderful priorities there, given that it had only suffered a small scratch to its flank...
It's hard not to appreciate Horse for so perfectly being just what he is.
I walked alone into the factory, hearing the distant Enervation scream struggling against a cool, soft note that radiated from inside me.
Star song? Is this new?
I had a horrifying image of myself like Sweetie Bot, the Goddess copying herself into my brain. The thought made me shiver. And worse, I couldn’t think of any way to tell somepony!
Arrrrgh! Do you have a radio? What? There's one built into your leg? One that (is a replacement for the one that) greatly impacted your personal life? Why not use it, now that the Goddess is cut off?
Still, even with my resistance to Enervation, I noticed that I was barely healing from the shots. Even I had my limits.
So, she can't be injured by it (or so it's seemed so far), but it can interrupt her supernatural healing. Interesting.
‘Ministry of Peace Approved’ was written, along with a picture of Fluttershy hugging the box I opened it up and stared at the metal case.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
“She fixed me. Made me stronger. Removed my doubt. My weakness.”
There's a lot of stuff like that going on right now.
"Stop! Shooting! My! Face!"
What's the closest Blackjack's come to saying this? "You [she?] shot me. In the face!" or some such, probably regarding Glory? (" “Yeah, and I tried to help her and got shot in the face.” In my fucking face! " and later "Was it too much to ask them to watch the face?" out of chapter four?)
You’ve kept the Goddess Cognitum waiting long enough!
Because obviously one wasn't enough.
If a little white pony inside me could handle her soul being ripped to pieces, I could handle a little pain.
(Which might involve your soul being ripped to pieces.) And hey, you're a big white pony.
“I! Am! Sick! Of! Goddesses!”
Hey, I basically just said that! Go Blackjack!
“Triage... is going to be... disappointed...” I muttered as I struggled to regenerate my injuries. Despite it all, I smiled. I hadn’t killed her, and that might come to bite me in the ass later... but lying there in the Hoofington rain, the blood being washed from me... I suspected that Twilight and her friends would say I’d won.
And this is why I don't mind (that is to say, I like) Blackjack's continual struggle with killing her enemies, or not.
The idea of simply being done, of my life ending, was terrifyingly seductive. And if I’d been answering a few weeks ago, I’d have happily suggested it. But now... now I hoped that I was a better pony. Somewhat.
It's good she's making progress; it seems she's still improving on this front, but is far from over her self-destructive tendencies.
“Of course I did,” I replied calmly. “And I want him back, and healed.” I added firmly.
. . . Like a boss!
Rampage pouted. “Oh sure... No hugs for...” she started to mutter. Then she stopped in alarm as we all looked at her. “Oh no... no no no... Don’t you... ack!” she shouted as all of us, even P-21, piled atop her in a massive heap. The sheer ridiculousness of it all had us all laughing together.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the baddest motherfuckers in the Hoof! Give 'em a hand!"
I said the only words that I could think of at a time like this: “Oh, fuck me...”
I get a little feeling of Edward VIII, here. Just add a stutter . . .
- Overall Chapter Thoughts:
On the whole, this was a surprisingly strong chapter: after the problems with 54, I was a little worried. My fears were misplaced, but the chapter did start out a little weak. I think things picked up once they got to Paradise and things started moving. I believe there was a lot to like about Paradise. To start, all four members of the royal family are enjoyable characters in their own ways. Splendid is good as the somewhat unprincipled defender of privilege, while also serving to remind Blackjack of the Seahorse, giving a brief but refreshing reminder that that thread isn't dead. Charm is charming, and basically disappears before she can get annoying. She's fun, and the levity she gives is welcome in a morally serious chapter. Grace strikes a nice balance, in a way, seeming to wish to uphold the old order as it is meant to be while recognizing the power realities on the ground. Awesome is just great. Perhaps I missed his backstory before, but I had always assumed he came from the Society. This is actually much more interesting, and his love for history meshes nicely with his recreation of the aristocracy. I think he highlights just to what a degree all of the members of the Hoofington heroes compromised and fell short of their ends. And for all the problems of Paradise, I do think that he offers a more convincing argument for hierarchy as a means of rebuilding society than Red Eye ever did--though then again, he seems more humble (ironic, considering his name and the title he had himself installed with) and smart than Red Eye, generally. I'm trying to imagine what he could accomplish given the starting advantages Red Eye had, and it's hard to say what the limits would have been.
Anyway, Paradise also gave the main characters some great moments in the sun. Rampage had some pretty good comedy at various points, but more importantly, P-21 and Blackjack were great here. P-21 was entirely believable in his emotional responses and urge to see the worst in everything, and his appeal to Blackjack early on touching both in his obvious anguish and in his belief in her. Blackjack got the chance to exhibit maturity beyond what she's normally been able to pull off, while still demonstrating empathy for P-21 even as she insists that while she may decide to take action, it will probably need to wait until other business has been taken care of. Glory's contribution to the argument is okay, and the new information on Enclave working conditions is nice, but I feel like it could have been set up better earlier in the chapter: P-21's and Rampage's positions were, even though they were naturally fleshed out more at the end.
I thought that the buildup for the Goddess was good, and naturally that plot line will be coming to an end soon. It really does feel like there is reason to fear for Blackjack, not to mention Lacunae, due to the Goddess's growing influence and plans.
I thought that the Roseluck Agrifarms part was good. The scenery was vivid, though if it were someone other than Blackjack I'd probably feel weird about her not realizing what she was standing in for so long. The gradually growing voice, the appearance of red lines, the general atmosphere, all did a good job of setting the stage for the Dawn fight. That said, it seemed like she might have gone down too easily, but perhaps that can be partially explained by the relatively confined spaces favoring Blackjack over the base-pegasus Dawn. The enervation as primary threat was a great touch, too, as was the tone coming from within Blackjack.
The past-stuff wasn't as strong as it often is. I guess that's partly because it's back to more sterile media, and partly because nothing all that groundbreaking is seen or heard. It's nice to get a broader general feel for how Goldenblood saw things, but for the most part what I took away was that he's been chronically exposed to enervation, which first probably explains part of why he's in such bad shape and second may indicate some form of corruption by the Eater, though the latter is basically a guess.
On the whole, I liked the chapter pretty well. It was nice to have a more low-key chapter where we spend more time exploring the characters and setting. I thought that both the characters and setting introduced were solid, and the interactions among the main cast were pretty good, if perhaps lacking a bit in setup for the minor P-21/Glory conflict near the end (which may not matter much, anyway). As for the ending, it gave me an interesting feeling. It felt simultaneously ridiculous, in that "who suddenly adopts as their heir a near-complete stranger?"; well set up, in that Blackjack is more like what Awesome always wanted to be than his children are, and perhaps has a concept of what should be more in line with his own than them, or at least could serve as a way to bring together the good parts of Splendid and Grace by leaving neither entirely in charge; and inevitable, in that it seems just like the sort of thing that always happens to Blackjack out of nowhere. It should be a good way to challenge her in ways outside of her normal mode of action. So, I guess next chapter is "Best Night Ever?"
- Editing Matters:
- “They are not slaves, they are our "servants." We have given them homes, food, clothing, and a purpose. We have given them a life.”
"servants" should probably be in single quotes. And if you are using the English rules for locating commas and periods with respect to quotation marks, the period should be after the close-quote.
I wondered who the' Neverenders' had been and how they'd been replaced by the 'Hells Ponies.'
It's led off by a triple space, and should be "the 'Neverenders' "
They have an spark generator that builds up a charge and then blasts the nearest target with a bolt of lightning.
"a spark generator"
That whole ‘not embraced your destiny’ line was either terrifyingly strong faith in higher powers or a load of contrived bullshit.
Is there a way to make the tense of "to embrace" fit better?
For the Thunderhead-are rods,
?
Your…your intrusion and lineage,
This isn't how you normally do ellipses: there would be a space after it, before the second "your."
A part of me wanted nothing more than to find him for a sound rematch... but whatever ultimately was going on with him wasn’t as immediate as Lighthooves’s biological weapon or Dawn’s actions with the Harbingers.
Space before ellipsis.
Your sacrifices are admirable, and your hope that good can ultimately triumph are an inspiration.”
" . . . is an inspiration."
“You’re killing her!” I said mentally as I clenched my eyes closed, aware that Glory was talking, but I focusing entirely on that cold voice within.
Either "but I was focusing" or "but focusing" would probably be better.
Glory knitted her brows together with a smile that made me wonder if she was reminding herself that she loved the not smart pony,
Should "not smart" be hyphenated?
“H… hold,” and the rest of the paragraph; “O…one! T… two!”; : I think it's more common to denote stuttering with hyphens: e.g. "h-hold" etc.
More ponies were moving up onto the stop of the barricade,
Onto the top?
You must leave immediate, or we’ll shoot you all!
Immediately, or is that meant as a mistake on the guard's part?
The white, blue-maned stallion who I’d met months ago outside the Fluttershy medical center still medical center still stirred a base, fundamental part of me.
Get rid of one of the "medical center still"-s.
She wasn’t quite as formally dressed as the two but had a grin that could give Rampage a run for its bottlecaps.
I feel like this should be "other two," but I'm not sure if that's actually a point of grammar.
I looked back at my friends.
This paragraph should be fully indented.
Every effort had been made to preserve the building from the ravages of time and decay, and so it resembled a tiny pearlescent bubble of the old world.
Unnecessary "and," maybe?
Clustered on some old clearings for something Splendid had called a ‘Golf Course’, they’d been groups of a dozen or so buildings surrounded by fences.
“P-21, there’s seven of us. Eight if you consider Boo-”
". . . Boo--"
‘Office of Interministry Affairs.’; ‘Goldenblood assumes minor role in Princess’s new government’; “Traitor executed for crimes against Equestria.”; “Just what is the O.I.A., and who is in charge of it? Answers not forthcoming from Princess or the Ministries.”
These should all be in the same type of quotation marks.
Then the Princess can round up Clovertail and I along with all the others when she cleans out the garbage.
"Clovertail and me," but then it is dialog.
As if he would give anything, even his life, especially his life, to have that.
I think that "life – especially his life – to" might more strongly punctuate the thought, but it's a minor point at most.
The speaker, an elderly unicorn with a mane like guttering blue fire and a coat the color of spoiled milk,
"glittering?"
If they ever had to flee this place, there were fewer methods better than by air.
few methods better?
‘Technology parks’ I supposed they were once.
This feels awkward, but I think that might have been intended. It's hard to tell.
Then she repeated, gesturing left than right with each group.,
gesturing left then right with each group.
Onery Radgator?
Is "radigator" capitalized normally?
The black unicorn wore the ominous riot armor, sans helmet, as she watched with hollow, haunted eyes.
Should there be the "the" before "ominous"?
What makes your Crusader better than the original?’”
Depending on the style you use, there may need to be a space between the closing single and double quote; I think it would help readability.
The Crusader finally let down out an immense pop, a cloud of rolling black smoke erupted from the top as the machine let out an anemic whine.
Suggestions to avoid a comma splice:
The Crusader finally let down out an immense pop, a cloud of rolling black smoke erupt[ing] from the top as the machine let out an anemic whine.
The Crusader finally let down out an immense pop, [and] a cloud of rolling black smoke erupted from the top as the machine let out an anemic whine.
Others were full of plastic barrels filled full of pulpy mush with
"filled full of" seems redundant. "filled with" or just "full of?"
I saw that the screen said ‘Roseluck Agrifarms: Emergency Protocols.
Needs close quote, either at end of line or after italicized portions following.
I looked at the row after row of work tables.
"at row after row?" The "the" seems weird with that construction, seeming to fit better with something like "at the rows upon rows of work tables," but it could just be me.
Griffin-like talons popped wide and seized my reflexively-raised forelegs.
"Griffon-like?" -- Actually, I didn't notice until now that that's the spelling you use. Good on you: I never cared much for "griffon."
Still, it was difficult to-- I felt a little pink pony and tiny blue Glory thump my brain and sent me diving forward as Dawn divebombed where I’d been standing just moment before.
Should either be "to -- I" or "to--I" (probably the former, since I seem to recall you preferring ens to ems).
I wasn’t sure if the heavy rounds would penetrate the tabletop --heck, I wasn’t even sure where I was aiming-- but it’d be better than nothing.
"tabletop -- heck . . . aiming -- but"
The pink-maned unicorn cast a spell, mending some of his contusions, but he pushed her away and snarled at the white aristocrat.
I think that the pink-maned unicorn is meant to be Grace, but she has a blue mane.
However, though It took me a dozen tries, I was finally able to get the umbrella-like rain shield spell from Twilight’s book to go off and protect us from the drizzle... mostly.
"it" shouldn't be capitalized.
And, not that it matters to me, but memory orbs about a certain ‘Project Horizons?’
Based on most of the quotes in the chapter, I think the better match would be " 'Project Horizons'? "
As ever, many thanks to Somber and the brushing team. I hope that real life starts looking up, and really do appreciate the hard work you put into this.
Icy Shake- Alicorn
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Apr 29, 2013 3:31 am
Ah, thank you. The errors have been added to the list. Some of them have already been pointed out, but most have not.Icy Shake wrote:Well, good to see it's up. Sadly, I came into it in a bit of a bad mood after finishing Mortal, which left something of a bad taste in my mouth, and may have impacted my enjoyment of the early parts of the chapter.
- Running Commentary:
I really like Rampage's lines in the opening discussion.
Rampage, though, rose to her hooves in one sinister, almost sexy movement.
Intentional callback to the turn off talk? I hope so, because that's pretty funny.
You got three Reapers here, two of the fucking top ten, and Security, and you’re thinking to keep us out?
Rampage and Deus as the two of the top ten. Blackjack never was one of the top ten, was she?
“Princess Aquilina Augusta Awesomeness the Graceful,” she said with exaggerated formality.
Good satire; I like it.
P-21 just wore a little smile that said they’d be lucky to find any weapons he’d secreted and gave a little nod.
How can one not love P-21 at times like this?
The way he kept staring at my tail was making me feel tense.
Nice to see continued discomfort regarding sexuality and males.
“There is some question as to if the contract is valid if signed under duress. After all, the perils of the Wasteland puts us all under duress in some form or another. Is starvation duress? Is sickness duress?”
“What?! There is a difference between a pony starving and a pony forced to sign or die!” Grace snapped. “Do you mean you knew about this, Splendid? Does father?”
Splendid screwed up his face and made a vague expression. “Eh, I’m sure there’s somepony investigating it. The point is that the work here is far better and safer than scrounging in the Wasteland.”
Well, my estimation of Grace just rose—fast—while my opinion of Splendid entered a nosedive. Will he salvage it?
He tried his loin melting smile on me once more, baffled that it wasn’t having the effect it once did. If it hadn’t been for Stygius, I would have bucked his head clean off his shoulders.
Nope—not yet at any rate—hell, he's not even trying. Also, glad to see this little callback, and that she isn't just over her trauma.
So you’re the only one who gets to have a set of priorities, Blackjack?
He has a good point. Sadly, I'm inclined to give some weight to Blackjack's concerns, too. Her record with regime change really isn't that good. And if nothing else, the cleanup means giving their full effort to Paradise for at least a couple days, which they just don't have, but Paradise will still be there after the immediate large-scale threats are dealt with.
He grimaced, fighting the liquid shame creeping down his cheeks.
It's a good line, on its own, but given the context I think that the reference (which I assume was intentional) might actually be negative value added.
“Because you can and I can’t!” he shouted in my face, tears running down his cheeks in frustration. “Because you have the power to do this and I don’t! You do the audacious and the impossible every single day and I know that if you wanted to change all this, you could!” He closed his eyes, shaking as if on the verge of breaking. “You do so much... do this...”
This is a very good paragraph, I think. I don't think I can say how good, or why, in a way that would really express my thoughts well, though.
“Don’t thank me just yet. I’ll help how I can, but I mean it when I say that I don’t want to slaughter the ponies in charge and trot on. I don’t have the best track record with fixing settlements, good intentions or no. So if you think we have to do it, then we’ll do it smart and right. Okay? And it might take us a while, given that I’ve got Lighthooves, Cognitum, the Legate, and who knows who else to deal with right now.”
Did Blackjack get replaced with a changeling (if they even exist), or is Twilight really having a strong effect on her? This is possibly the most reasonable thing she's ever done, and she's done it with tact, too. I wonder if, maybe, the statuettes affect ponies associated with the corresponding Bearer (here as a descendent) (or Element? not especially likely, I'd guess, but possible) more strongly?
I said at I patted him carefully. He didn’t flinch away; I supposed maybe we were past that for good.
Yay!
It’d take them a month, two if Applejack decides to try and play Ministry Mare.
Well, that sounds about right. Poor AJ.
Luna will have a government that will last a thousand years.
I know that's really just referring to Celestia's reign, but I can't help also think of the Third Reich here.
There was another ping and long screaming note.
Well, I had suspected what that might be in the preceding paragraphs, but . . . well. This throws a whole new light on things. I didn't expect Goldenblood to actually be working for the Eater, but perhaps I should have.
You know, it’s funny. I was born in the zebra lands. Learned their tribes and language. Tutored by zebras. I was more striped than any pony before the war, and when mother died, I didn’t want to come back.
Wow. I had always thought he just went there as a student or something. This says some really unflattering things about the planning session he was in before the war, and the Princesses. Their whole system kind of sucked, didn't it?
You don’t finish nightmares, Goldie. You wake up from them.
Well, not always. I'd say the Elements finished a nightmare, or at least a Nightmare.
It had to be an act. It simply had to be. Goldenblood was a villain and a murderer who’d done unspeakable things.
Riiight. Coming from miss "maybe it's not so bad here." Not the best chapter (story, even?) for this line of thought.
Other parts, like him claiming to be the great grandson of Shining Armor, Twilight Sparkle’s brother and the entitled heir to the Crystal Empire, seemed too farfetched even for the Wasteland.
Sigh . . .
I found out that Keeper’s weakness was for something called ‘strawberries’ and that Big Daddy’s hooves were ticklish.
Setup? Probably not. At least for the latter one.
I wasn’t exactly sure Boo knew what she was doing, but I had to admit that her mouth was formidable protection from Scotch’s snack cake barrage.
This brought a smile to my face.
Then her tongue swept up and collected all the dripping confection in one long circular pass and swallowed it with a gulp.
Seems a little Pinkie-ish. With the stuff from last chapter, I have to wonder. It would explain a lot. Or perhaps it's related to Discord in some way.
I wanted to shove a string of balefire eggs up her huge mutant ass and light them all up!
Glorious. Sure, you don't get to do it, and there's only one, but it will be a big one.
“Do not play jokes on government officials,”
Words to live by.
I heard him shout about fixing his Sweetie Bot first. Wonderful priorities there, given that it had only suffered a small scratch to its flank...
It's hard not to appreciate Horse for so perfectly being just what he is.
I walked alone into the factory, hearing the distant Enervation scream struggling against a cool, soft note that radiated from inside me.
Star song? Is this new?
I had a horrifying image of myself like Sweetie Bot, the Goddess copying herself into my brain. The thought made me shiver. And worse, I couldn’t think of any way to tell somepony!
Arrrrgh! Do you have a radio? What? There's one built into your leg? One that (is a replacement for the one that) greatly impacted your personal life? Why not use it, now that the Goddess is cut off?
Still, even with my resistance to Enervation, I noticed that I was barely healing from the shots. Even I had my limits.
So, she can't be injured by it (or so it's seemed so far), but it can interrupt her supernatural healing. Interesting.
‘Ministry of Peace Approved’ was written, along with a picture of Fluttershy hugging the box I opened it up and stared at the metal case.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
“She fixed me. Made me stronger. Removed my doubt. My weakness.”
There's a lot of stuff like that going on right now.
"Stop! Shooting! My! Face!"
What's the closest Blackjack's come to saying this? "You [she?] shot me. In the face!" or some such, probably regarding Glory? (" “Yeah, and I tried to help her and got shot in the face.” In my fucking face! " and later "Was it too much to ask them to watch the face?" out of chapter four?)
You’ve kept the Goddess Cognitum waiting long enough!
Because obviously one wasn't enough.
If a little white pony inside me could handle her soul being ripped to pieces, I could handle a little pain.
(Which might involve your soul being ripped to pieces.) And hey, you're a big white pony.
“I! Am! Sick! Of! Goddesses!”
Hey, I basically just said that! Go Blackjack!
“Triage... is going to be... disappointed...” I muttered as I struggled to regenerate my injuries. Despite it all, I smiled. I hadn’t killed her, and that might come to bite me in the ass later... but lying there in the Hoofington rain, the blood being washed from me... I suspected that Twilight and her friends would say I’d won.
And this is why I don't mind (that is to say, I like) Blackjack's continual struggle with killing her enemies, or not.
The idea of simply being done, of my life ending, was terrifyingly seductive. And if I’d been answering a few weeks ago, I’d have happily suggested it. But now... now I hoped that I was a better pony. Somewhat.
It's good she's making progress; it seems she's still improving on this front, but is far from over her self-destructive tendencies.
“Of course I did,” I replied calmly. “And I want him back, and healed.” I added firmly.
. . . Like a boss!
Rampage pouted. “Oh sure... No hugs for...” she started to mutter. Then she stopped in alarm as we all looked at her. “Oh no... no no no... Don’t you... ack!” she shouted as all of us, even P-21, piled atop her in a massive heap. The sheer ridiculousness of it all had us all laughing together.
"Ladies and gentlemen, the baddest motherfuckers in the Hoof! Give 'em a hand!"
I said the only words that I could think of at a time like this: “Oh, fuck me...”
I get a little feeling of Edward VIII, here. Just add a stutter . . .
- Overall Chapter Thoughts:
On the whole, this was a surprisingly strong chapter: after the problems with 54, I was a little worried. My fears were misplaced, but the chapter did start out a little weak. I think things picked up once they got to Paradise and things started moving. I believe there was a lot to like about Paradise. To start, all four members of the royal family are enjoyable characters in their own ways. Splendid is good as the somewhat unprincipled defender of privilege, while also serving to remind Blackjack of the Seahorse, giving a brief but refreshing reminder that that thread isn't dead. Charm is charming, and basically disappears before she can get annoying. She's fun, and the levity she gives is welcome in a morally serious chapter. Grace strikes a nice balance, in a way, seeming to wish to uphold the old order as it is meant to be while recognizing the power realities on the ground. Awesome is just great. Perhaps I missed his backstory before, but I had always assumed he came from the Society. This is actually much more interesting, and his love for history meshes nicely with his recreation of the aristocracy. I think he highlights just to what a degree all of the members of the Hoofington heroes compromised and fell short of their ends. And for all the problems of Paradise, I do think that he offers a more convincing argument for hierarchy as a means of rebuilding society than Red Eye ever did--though then again, he seems more humble (ironic, considering his name and the title he had himself installed with) and smart than Red Eye, generally. I'm trying to imagine what he could accomplish given the starting advantages Red Eye had, and it's hard to say what the limits would have been.
Anyway, Paradise also gave the main characters some great moments in the sun. Rampage had some pretty good comedy at various points, but more importantly, P-21 and Blackjack were great here. P-21 was entirely believable in his emotional responses and urge to see the worst in everything, and his appeal to Blackjack early on touching both in his obvious anguish and in his belief in her. Blackjack got the chance to exhibit maturity beyond what she's normally been able to pull off, while still demonstrating empathy for P-21 even as she insists that while she may decide to take action, it will probably need to wait until other business has been taken care of. Glory's contribution to the argument is okay, and the new information on Enclave working conditions is nice, but I feel like it could have been set up better earlier in the chapter: P-21's and Rampage's positions were, even though they were naturally fleshed out more at the end.
I thought that the buildup for the Goddess was good, and naturally that plot line will be coming to an end soon. It really does feel like there is reason to fear for Blackjack, not to mention Lacunae, due to the Goddess's growing influence and plans.
I thought that the Roseluck Agrifarms part was good. The scenery was vivid, though if it were someone other than Blackjack I'd probably feel weird about her not realizing what she was standing in for so long. The gradually growing voice, the appearance of red lines, the general atmosphere, all did a good job of setting the stage for the Dawn fight. That said, it seemed like she might have gone down too easily, but perhaps that can be partially explained by the relatively confined spaces favoring Blackjack over the base-pegasus Dawn. The enervation as primary threat was a great touch, too, as was the tone coming from within Blackjack.
The past-stuff wasn't as strong as it often is. I guess that's partly because it's back to more sterile media, and partly because nothing all that groundbreaking is seen or heard. It's nice to get a broader general feel for how Goldenblood saw things, but for the most part what I took away was that he's been chronically exposed to enervation, which first probably explains part of why he's in such bad shape and second may indicate some form of corruption by the Eater, though the latter is basically a guess.
On the whole, I liked the chapter pretty well. It was nice to have a more low-key chapter where we spend more time exploring the characters and setting. I thought that both the characters and setting introduced were solid, and the interactions among the main cast were pretty good, if perhaps lacking a bit in setup for the minor P-21/Glory conflict near the end (which may not matter much, anyway). As for the ending, it gave me an interesting feeling. It felt simultaneously ridiculous, in that "who suddenly adopts as their heir a near-complete stranger?"; well set up, in that Blackjack is more like what Awesome always wanted to be than his children are, and perhaps has a concept of what should be more in line with his own than them, or at least could serve as a way to bring together the good parts of Splendid and Grace by leaving neither entirely in charge; and inevitable, in that it seems just like the sort of thing that always happens to Blackjack out of nowhere. It should be a good way to challenge her in ways outside of her normal mode of action. So, I guess next chapter is "Best Night Ever?"
- Editing Matters:
"servants" should probably be in single quotes. And if you are using the English rules for locating commas and periods with respect to quotation marks, the period should be after the close-quote.
I wondered who the' Neverenders' had been and how they'd been replaced by the 'Hells Ponies.'
It's led off by a triple space, and should be "the 'Neverenders' "
They have an spark generator that builds up a charge and then blasts the nearest target with a bolt of lightning.
"a spark generator"
That whole ‘not embraced your destiny’ line was either terrifyingly strong faith in higher powers or a load of contrived bullshit.
Is there a way to make the tense of "to embrace" fit better?
For the Thunderhead-are rods,
?
Your…your intrusion and lineage,
This isn't how you normally do ellipses: there would be a space after it, before the second "your."
A part of me wanted nothing more than to find him for a sound rematch... but whatever ultimately was going on with him wasn’t as immediate as Lighthooves’s biological weapon or Dawn’s actions with the Harbingers.
Space before ellipsis.
Your sacrifices are admirable, and your hope that good can ultimately triumph are an inspiration.”
" . . . is an inspiration."
“You’re killing her!” I said mentally as I clenched my eyes closed, aware that Glory was talking, but I focusing entirely on that cold voice within.
Either "but I was focusing" or "but focusing" would probably be better.
Glory knitted her brows together with a smile that made me wonder if she was reminding herself that she loved the not smart pony,
Should "not smart" be hyphenated?
“H… hold,” and the rest of the paragraph; “O…one! T… two!”; : I think it's more common to denote stuttering with hyphens: e.g. "h-hold" etc.
More ponies were moving up onto the stop of the barricade,
Onto the top?
You must leave immediate, or we’ll shoot you all!
Immediately, or is that meant as a mistake on the guard's part?
The white, blue-maned stallion who I’d met months ago outside the Fluttershy medical center still medical center still stirred a base, fundamental part of me.
Get rid of one of the "medical center still"-s.
She wasn’t quite as formally dressed as the two but had a grin that could give Rampage a run for its bottlecaps.
I feel like this should be "other two," but I'm not sure if that's actually a point of grammar.
I looked back at my friends.
This paragraph should be fully indented.
Every effort had been made to preserve the building from the ravages of time and decay, and so it resembled a tiny pearlescent bubble of the old world.
Unnecessary "and," maybe?
Clustered on some old clearings for something Splendid had called a ‘Golf Course’, they’d been groups of a dozen or so buildings surrounded by fences.
“P-21, there’s seven of us. Eight if you consider Boo-”
". . . Boo--"
‘Office of Interministry Affairs.’; ‘Goldenblood assumes minor role in Princess’s new government’; “Traitor executed for crimes against Equestria.”; “Just what is the O.I.A., and who is in charge of it? Answers not forthcoming from Princess or the Ministries.”
These should all be in the same type of quotation marks.
Then the Princess can round up Clovertail and I along with all the others when she cleans out the garbage.
"Clovertail and me," but then it is dialog.
As if he would give anything, even his life, especially his life, to have that.
I think that "life – especially his life – to" might more strongly punctuate the thought, but it's a minor point at most.
The speaker, an elderly unicorn with a mane like guttering blue fire and a coat the color of spoiled milk,
"glittering?"
If they ever had to flee this place, there were fewer methods better than by air.
few methods better?
‘Technology parks’ I supposed they were once.
This feels awkward, but I think that might have been intended. It's hard to tell.
Then she repeated, gesturing left than right with each group.,
gesturing left then right with each group.
Onery Radgator?
Is "radigator" capitalized normally?
The black unicorn wore the ominous riot armor, sans helmet, as she watched with hollow, haunted eyes.
Should there be the "the" before "ominous"?
What makes your Crusader better than the original?’”
Depending on the style you use, there may need to be a space between the closing single and double quote; I think it would help readability.
The Crusader finally let down out an immense pop, a cloud of rolling black smoke erupted from the top as the machine let out an anemic whine.
Suggestions to avoid a comma splice:
The Crusader finally let down out an immense pop, a cloud of rolling black smoke erupt[ing] from the top as the machine let out an anemic whine.
The Crusader finally let down out an immense pop, [and] a cloud of rolling black smoke erupted from the top as the machine let out an anemic whine.
Others were full of plastic barrels filled full of pulpy mush with
"filled full of" seems redundant. "filled with" or just "full of?"
I saw that the screen said ‘Roseluck Agrifarms: Emergency Protocols.
Needs close quote, either at end of line or after italicized portions following.
I looked at the row after row of work tables.
"at row after row?" The "the" seems weird with that construction, seeming to fit better with something like "at the rows upon rows of work tables," but it could just be me.
Griffin-like talons popped wide and seized my reflexively-raised forelegs.
"Griffon-like?" -- Actually, I didn't notice until now that that's the spelling you use. Good on you: I never cared much for "griffon."
Still, it was difficult to-- I felt a little pink pony and tiny blue Glory thump my brain and sent me diving forward as Dawn divebombed where I’d been standing just moment before.
Should either be "to -- I" or "to--I" (probably the former, since I seem to recall you preferring ens to ems).
I wasn’t sure if the heavy rounds would penetrate the tabletop --heck, I wasn’t even sure where I was aiming-- but it’d be better than nothing.
"tabletop -- heck . . . aiming -- but"
The pink-maned unicorn cast a spell, mending some of his contusions, but he pushed her away and snarled at the white aristocrat.
I think that the pink-maned unicorn is meant to be Grace, but she has a blue mane.
However, though It took me a dozen tries, I was finally able to get the umbrella-like rain shield spell from Twilight’s book to go off and protect us from the drizzle... mostly.
"it" shouldn't be capitalized.
And, not that it matters to me, but memory orbs about a certain ‘Project Horizons?’
Based on most of the quotes in the chapter, I think the better match would be " 'Project Horizons'? "
As ever, many thanks to Somber and the brushing team. I hope that real life starts looking up, and really do appreciate the hard work you put into this.
- Spoiler:
- "“They are not slaves, they are our "servants." We have given them homes, food, clothing, and a purpose. We have given them a life.”
"servants" should probably be in single quotes. And if you are using the English rules for locating commas and periods with respect to quotation marks, the period should be after the close-quote."
Well, the thing is, this is an actual quote; I copied it directly from the game. While I did notice what it was not as I would have written it, correcting errors in it would make it not a quote of the line from First Citizen Lynette.
"I know that's really just referring to Celestia's reign, but I can't help also think of the Third Reich here."
You too? :)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by WavemasterRyx Mon Apr 29, 2013 7:28 am
Well, I was very much looking forward to the chapter, and I wasn't disappointed in the least! Even as a chapter that contained a large amount of exposition, it didn't drag at all, in fact it seemed to read very quickly
Thank you, Somber, Hinds, and Bronode for all of your hard work. I really do hope things will be okay for you, Somber, you have my best wishes for your well-being.
As always, I shall try my best to get a full commentary done as soon as I can. Thank you and best wishes again to you, Somber. *hugs you gently*
Thank you, Somber, Hinds, and Bronode for all of your hard work. I really do hope things will be okay for you, Somber, you have my best wishes for your well-being.
- Initial thoughts:
The whole bit between Blackjack, Lacunae, and the Goddess is really quite terrifying... It's a very intense situation, and makes me hope that Pip shows up quickly...
Having some lightheartedness at the Society was nice, with the scene at the front gate, and in the kitchen. Scotch and Boo's food fight was unquestionably adorable.
The fight with Dawn was much less one-sided than I would have imagined, and it served as a great action point for the chapter.
And poor P-21...
As always, I shall try my best to get a full commentary done as soon as I can. Thank you and best wishes again to you, Somber. *hugs you gently*
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Admiral Stoic Rum Mon Apr 29, 2013 9:27 am
That ending, very, very clever.
And the clock is ticking Goddess, Clock. is. Ticking!
And the clock is ticking Goddess, Clock. is. Ticking!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by CD Mon Apr 29, 2013 10:33 am
As much as I dislike the thought of being now firmly in the territory of "wait a month for next chapter to be released" instead of tearing into the story like at the outset, this chapter was still fulfilling. The ending just gushes with promises of political intrigue and byzantine power struggles, which I love reading.
I'm also believing that after this chapter, we might see enervation and starmetal being used as Blackjack's kryptonite. Dawn should be well aware by now that Blackjack is a lot less protected from it, and it will at least stop her healing factor from making her overpowering. Just from a storytelling perspective, that brings back some vulnerability to the juggernaut Blackjack we've had since chapter 34.
Last, my expectations were that since this was another 11th episode, this one would be a lot more horrifying than it was. There was a suitably disgusting scene, but nothing that compares to 22 or 33. I'm not sure if I should feel disappointed over that. In the end, you still want to see Blackjack triumph despite the periodic meatgrinder she's put in.
- Spoiler:
- Either Blackjack must now placate P-21 by freeing the slaves, or accept that Awesome and Glory are right when they say that in the vacuum left by abolishing serfdom, the wasteland will degenerate back into crude slavery and barbarism again. Not to mention that the Society are probably going to push and shove her and do everything they can to stop her from changing the status quo if she tries. She's already the unpopular outsider who's a target for assassination, and now she has the curse of being a political ruler whose decisions will be scrutinized and viciously opposed by those grasping the short end of the stick.
I'm also believing that after this chapter, we might see enervation and starmetal being used as Blackjack's kryptonite. Dawn should be well aware by now that Blackjack is a lot less protected from it, and it will at least stop her healing factor from making her overpowering. Just from a storytelling perspective, that brings back some vulnerability to the juggernaut Blackjack we've had since chapter 34.
Last, my expectations were that since this was another 11th episode, this one would be a lot more horrifying than it was. There was a suitably disgusting scene, but nothing that compares to 22 or 33. I'm not sure if I should feel disappointed over that. In the end, you still want to see Blackjack triumph despite the periodic meatgrinder she's put in.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Mon Apr 29, 2013 10:49 am
O. Hinds wrote:Ah, thank you. The errors have been added to the list. Some of them have already been pointed out, but most have not.Also, um… I think that you may have gotten confused. Paradise is a separate settlement, unaffiliated with the Society, and we've not been there yet.
- Spoiler:
"servants" should probably be in single quotes. And if you are using the English rules for locating commas and periods with respect to quotation marks, the period should be after the close-quote."
Well, the thing is, this is an actual quote; I copied it directly from the game. While I did notice what it was not as I would have written it, correcting errors in it would make it not a quote of the line from First Citizen Lynette.
"I know that's really just referring to Celestia's reign, but I can't help also think of the Third Reich here."
You too? :)
- Spoiler:
- "Servants" would be in single quotes because it's a quotation within a quotation, though I guess I see your thought process on the placement.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who thought that.
You're right; that's embarrassing. I think I was thrown off by "Elysium Gardens."
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Kippershy Mon Apr 29, 2013 11:12 am
So, I wasn't going to read right away as I have stuff to do, but i've gbeen told you did good, so ill let you know what's up once i'm home and have had a chance to read.
I really am hoping this will bring me back, I need something decent afterr that suicide by train.
I really am hoping this will bring me back, I need something decent afterr that suicide by train.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Valikdu Mon Apr 29, 2013 11:13 am
Hugs are good.
Although I'm not convinced that P-21 won't still do (or try to do) something incredibly stupid and counter-productive.
Although I'm not convinced that P-21 won't still do (or try to do) something incredibly stupid and counter-productive.
- Like so:
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 16 DA2Tias30](https://2img.net/h/media.moddb.com/images/articles/1/80/80000/auto/DA2Tias30.jpg)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Retl Mon Apr 29, 2013 11:22 am
- Alternate Ending:
Rampage pouted. “Oh sure... No hugs for...” she started to mutter. Then she stopped in alarm as we all looked at her. “Oh no... no no no... Don’t you... ack!” she shouted as all of us, even P-21, piled atop her in a massive heap. The sheer ridiculousness of it all had us all laughing together.
I felt a strange wooziness run through my body.
And just like that, everyone exploded. All of my friends blew apart in a rainbow of pastel pony shrapnel, their equipment smashing into me and sending me flying up into Lacunae.
Her face was not blank or anguished, nor of fear or surprise; her expression was of simple, heartfelt happiness. For an instant, I was reminded of that memory orb I'd seen of a filly at a birthday party taking in the joy of party balloons.
She exploded. I wanted to run. To twist myself away from this twisted nightmare of a prank. My legs wouldn't comply.
I slammed into Deus with the clang of metal on metal, my cyberpony limbs on the verge of shattering. He exploded, peppering the land and sky with debris. A chunk of scrapped motor fell upon me and I heaved it away… only to have it explode as well. I staggered to the side, my body battered and my legs wobbling beneath me. I fell, and the ground beneath me exploded like a landmine. I finally just curled up into a ball, feeling busted and broken and terrified to take another breath.
I saw a strange earth pony approach. Behind him were dozens more ponies trotting up onto the roof. None of them were armed, but all of them looked quite unhappy at the moment.
“Blackjack, I presume?” a voice prodded, just oozing sophistication, despite an undead rasp. The ghoul nudged down the glasses enough to look at me with filmy purplish eye.
“Yes?” I croaked as he pulled a parcel from his back and started unwrapping it.
“King Awesome has passed away,” he said as he revealed a golden crown decorated with diamonds and rubies. I gaped, unable to think as he jammed the crown atop my head. “All hail Queen Blackjack, new leader of the Society! Long live the Queen!”
“I… hate… blowing up…” I moaned.
And then I exploded.
--
“... All hail Queen Rampage, new leader of the Society! Long live the Queen!”
Point is, I found the chapter good fun.
Thanks for the work, Somber. Sorry about all the craziness you're dealing with lately, but here's to wishing you a much cheerier future.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Caoimhe Mon Apr 29, 2013 12:34 pm
Thoughts:
- Spoiler:
- Very enjoyable over all and very 'Project Horizons'. Mind you, I liked 54, but this chapter definitely gives more ideas in where the story is going and what the next will be like.
I was really waiting for conflict amongst our heroes on ethical issues, which this provided quite well. P-21 really is hung up on projecting his own issues into everything and it gives him new purpose in the story again, which is great!
King Awesome as a father-figure is intriguing as well, sad to see him go so soon but he worked well as King Exposition. The whole father-figure aspect seems to strike Blackjack mainly because no one really wants to listen to her about all the dense stuff she's uncovered and finally there's someone she can relate to. (Her line about her friends not really caring about Goldenblood and orbs stuff stood out because I never really thought of it before that way). That's really cool and goes to show how dependent on others BJ really is. If Awesome were younger, I could see BJ developing a Stygius-like crush on him just on that aspect alone.
Overall, all the characters' personalities come out in this chapter, after sorta being mishmashed for a while: P-21 being untrusting and violent, Glory's smarts and social inexperience (like in the kitchen), Rampy being an uncouth wisecrack but also "big sister" archetype, Lacunae's singular purpose and pain but watchful and caring, Scotch being a playful kid and Deus being a tank.
Bravo! Looking forward to bwest nygt evurrr.
Icy Shake wrote:
- Spoiler:
- Spoiler:
- Technically, BJ is related to Awesome, if he's descended from Sharmour. Not as closely as his kids but... Perhaps since she's directly from Twlight, she has more rights. Then again the society monarchy is all made up, so whatever.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Mon Apr 29, 2013 1:42 pm
Caoimhe wrote:Icy Shake wrote:
- Spoiler:
- Spoiler:
- Spoiler:
- Well, I'm not taking Awesome's claim too seriously, and I'm not entirely sure Armor existed in PH Equestria: Awesome could have made that up, too. But even if he were real, and the claim of descent true, Twilight never had any claim on the Crystal Empire (in the show), and certainly not one that would supersede Cadence's descendents' under most forms of primogeniture.
But on a semi-unrelated note, I think it's weird Awesome took king as his title, considering he claims to be the heir of the throne of the Crystal Empire, which was ruled by a Princess, and Equestria, which was likewise ruled by Princesses.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Retl Mon Apr 29, 2013 1:56 pm
- Simple Speculation:
- I wonder if Blackjack is now the bearer of Enervation-FOXDIE. Especially after what happened with P-21 and what happened with King Awesome.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Kippershy Mon Apr 29, 2013 3:22 pm
First of all, I make the disclaimer that I -HAVE NOT- finished the chapter.
This isn't because I don't like it. I do. I just don't feel like reading it all in one go right now.
Likewise, the start of my review may not seem so keen but if you do read it, it gets friendlier and more positive as it goes on.
I'll give you part two tomorrow, once I've finished the chapter. Good job on the first half though.
This isn't because I don't like it. I do. I just don't feel like reading it all in one go right now.
Likewise, the start of my review may not seem so keen but if you do read it, it gets friendlier and more positive as it goes on.
I'll give you part two tomorrow, once I've finished the chapter. Good job on the first half though.
- Part 1:
Reading along, see Xenith...
*groans*
Yes, its canon in your universe that she's met Xenith -but- does Blackjack really think she'd just happen to come across her again?
Really?
And if it wasn't for the Rampage life support, I'd say Blackjack is smarter than to just go LOLTURNMEOFF because she must know her system runs by her cybernetics alone now.
Besides, how can she be sure she'll even be able to move if she was turned off? I'm pretty sure she wouldn't be able to, given she is basically power armour...
....Now I'm at the Society part, and I'm beginning to enjoy the chapter properly. I was finding it lacklustre beforehand, but I'm beginning to warm up to it now.
P-21 is quickly becoming my favourite character right now. His attitude towards The Society is perfect and exactly what I would expect from him. I also love the younger sister, Charm.
And batpony makes a [reference] return. I suppose that's a good thing that his lasting effect is acknowledged.
Finally getting back into Blackjack with her telling P-21 she can't help the society serfs. This is EXACTLY what I wanted from you Somber, so thank you.
Blackjack CAN'T help everyone. Her attempts would only fuck up and if you had made it so they hadn't, I would have thought it's bullshit.
Blackjack has a good point here and as much as P-21 hates it, as much as he hates that he was once a slave, there isn't any other options.
Are you really a hero if all you do is come along and kill the big bad before walking off into the sunset to let the world burn in flames without their leadership? Of course not.
Reading their arguement, and again, thank you.
I see why I saw good comments about the latest chapter on the FOE thread now. This is a very interesting scene and I really like how its being played out.
P-21 is acting irrationally because of his past, he knows it but he doesn't care about that. Blackjack is for once, being the smart pony she can be if she tries hard, but that's also because she's finally grown up and realised she can't fix every issue by walking along and walking out a few hours later.
Some things take a lot of time and a lot more effort than a simple gun fight.
"And if Equestria is lost... I do." ...Yeah, Project Horizons, blow up Equestria using Moon powers on the eater.
I can't imagine Blackjack going Reaper. I mean, hell, she turned down their offer until Big Daddy said that there was no way to turn it down, that she WAS a reaper now.
Megamart security however? I can believe that, I think it would have suited her nicely.
(Especially for the fact that being a megamart security guard, you have a lot of choice in who to bang if they so wish, and a lot of different options to choose from.)
Yup, definitely enjoying the chapter now. This is why I read Project Horizons. When you go ahead and do it, you make very, very good character interactions.
Yes you've made quite a few mistakes over the course of your story (that take a harsh eye and retrospect to see, a lot of the time), but given the length of it, that's to be expected.
So yeah, enjoying this chapter a lot more than the last one. About half way through right now, we'll see how it continues.
Is this a New Vegas reference here? "Just like that? / Just like that."
It may be uninentional, but that's EXACTLY what you can say to Sunny Smiles, if you remember.
Nice little nod if so. Nothing overpowering like Kkats use of Helios One either.
This is making me REALLY enjoy the chapter now. It really does feel like it's been done right with stuff like this.
And then there's King Awesome's counter arguement to the serf thing. It's why I like the Society and don't want you to mess with them too much.
Not everything has to be doom, gloom and violence. Sometimes, submission IS the best option in a given situation.
and now I've gotten to the page break about half way through. I don't fancy reading it all in one go, I found it hard to get back into PH but I've been enjoying it now that I have.
Still, it's a lot to read and I don't much fancy reading the whole thing in one go, it's getting late and I wanna play games.
I'll give you a second part review tomorrow. I've got the day off anyway, so you won't have to wait forever for it.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Caoimhe Mon Apr 29, 2013 8:07 pm
If Kips is happy, all is right with the world.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vergil Mon Apr 29, 2013 8:50 pm
- Spoiler:
- I'm a bit ashamed to admit that I kinda tunnel visioned on everything happening with the Goddess when I read the chapter late last night. As a result of that, I felt like we weren't really getting anywhere in the story for the majority of the chapter (at least until the end, which I most definitely did not foresee-nice). However, I think you'll find this outlook is probably rather unique to me. I've been looking forward to the Goddess' demise pretty much the entire time I've been reading this story, and for whatever reason I half expected it to be in 55. Additionally, I've always liked Lacunae a lot as a character and am anxious to see what is about to become of her. I should also say that I've never been particularly interested in the Society, so it didn't take much to draw my attention away from it.
THAT BEING SAID,
Any chapter in a long story that has moments that solidly stick in my mind even when I'm distracted (P-21's flipping out at BJ, the random group hug, and the first conversation with Awesome to name a few) is a solid chapter. I wouldn't rank this in my favorites, but I know good stuff when I see it. This is good stuff. I need to sit down and read this again when I have more time to read it properly.
The tl;dr of this is I think this is solid writing, but in my case my own anticipation killed it for me. Also I might be doing a little too much academic reading.
Hail Queen Whiskey!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Overthepacific Mon Apr 29, 2013 11:01 pm
I hate to be the one who has to throw the metaphorical wrench into the happy gears, but someone has to do it.
Damn, I did not mean to end up writing that much. I suppose tl;dr Im neutral on this chapter, wasnt bad, but wasnt particularly good either. Even saying that, it wasnt a chore to read through like some have been, and I even wanted to read through the memory orb part for once. So, its a step in the right direction I guess.
- Negative opinions, Read at your own risk:
- Ill be mad if you say it was unwarranted, I warned you.:
Starting from the very beginning it felt like things were trying to be padded out. The reason they even needed the ship in the first place felt arbitrarily defined until I found out they were going to Elysium. I was confused with them wanting it to take glory home, get past the lighting gun thing, or both. Which, for how many words it went through talking about it seems like it could've been explained a little bit better. But whatever, I wasnt complaining much, if they need it to go forward, so be it.
Then we show up at Elysium, and I think "here we go again. I know exactly whats going to transpire from here." And it kinda does go pretty close to what I thought it would be, before going off the rails a bit, which was a welcome surprise. But being at society headquarters in the first place is something I think shouldve been avoided. Every second wasted is another second that lighthooves will be using to forward his maniacal little plan, and going on side quests while the main one sits there and stagnates is alright in a videogame, but it just feels like a waste of time here.
But stepping back from the broad perspective of the story progress as a whole, it gets a bit better at specific moments. P-21 angrily wanting violence right into the gate was very annoying, and i can understand him wanting to take immediate action, but him crying to blackjack about it(literally) is something that I fear will turn blackjack into an emotional babysitter. However, it was a quite welcome change for P-21 to be the one crying about how bad everything is and how everyone has to do something about it instead of the regular blackjack angst. Her seeing things in a reasonable way towards the society is another welcome change that I really liked to see. Babysitter for the all the emotional drama isnt a big step up from causing the emotional drama, but it is a step up.
I feel like a lot of the things weve already been through before, like the whole "realizing goldie isnt as bad as he seems" thing. I hate to say, but that feels like something we already went through.The outburst with the goddess felt a bit wrung out too, like it just came in to remind everyone it was still there. But all things considered, this happens like every chapter, and sometimes we need a reminder not to lose track of it anyway.
One part I did partly enjoy was the part with that explained enervation. It did kindof feel like it had been forgotten for so long that it needed to be brought up again really fast and sorted out before it falls off the list again, but I was satisfied to learn how it worked, and how it actually will tie into the projects. So it feeling rushed in isnt a complaint when we finally can properly understand its origins and meaning.
I didnt really expect to see dawn again so soon though, and so randomly at that. I can see her following blackjack around behind the scenes though, so just a minor thought. Blackjack sparing her rather than killing her was a bit frustrating, but actually understandable this time, more than recently any way.
And that ending, I was not expecting that. Its like somber said "You want me to stir things up?! Fine!" and threw that at us. I actually laughed at the randomness of the whole encounter. I do want to see how shell handle it though.
After finishing the chapter, I was left with the overall feeling that
this was just another one of those break chapters where nothing really
significant actually moves the story forward. It feels like this chapter
was meant to go back and address things that were forgotten about,
which isnt a bad thing until it takes up the entire chapter. I wouldnt say it was a wasted chapter, but it couldve moved forward more efficiently in a better direction.
While there were things overall I didnt like, others did bring up some better moments that made it better. Overall I guess Im about neutral on this chapter. It wasnt particularly good imo, but it really wasnt bad either, I suppose it is a step out of the hole the original ch. 54 dug. So theres that.
Damn, I did not mean to end up writing that much. I suppose tl;dr Im neutral on this chapter, wasnt bad, but wasnt particularly good either. Even saying that, it wasnt a chore to read through like some have been, and I even wanted to read through the memory orb part for once. So, its a step in the right direction I guess.
Last edited by Overthepacific on Mon Apr 29, 2013 11:20 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vergil Mon Apr 29, 2013 11:04 pm
Huh. I actually completely forgot about the ship. I guess you can file that under my "I don't really care about the Society" comment.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Derpmind Mon Apr 29, 2013 11:13 pm
One of these days I'm gonna remember to to a running commentary. ![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 16 1751538862](https://2img.net/u/2516/12/35/12/smiles/1751538862.gif)
It just doesn't feel right for me to praise stuff without giving specifics, and going back through now to pick out parts to say stuff about would take me longer than it did to read. I've said I'm slow at writing, but I might as well try and explain it: The more thought I put into what I'm writing, the more my pace represents a glacier. I read stuff at a good pace and can parse speech twice as fast as Pinkie Pie's, but sometimes my writing goes about ten times slower than I talk. If anyone knows how to make essay-complicated writing not feel like squeezing my brain through a straw, I will owe you, like, something.
Anyways,
One last thing, just wanna ask everyone a question:
It just doesn't feel right for me to praise stuff without giving specifics, and going back through now to pick out parts to say stuff about would take me longer than it did to read. I've said I'm slow at writing, but I might as well try and explain it: The more thought I put into what I'm writing, the more my pace represents a glacier. I read stuff at a good pace and can parse speech twice as fast as Pinkie Pie's, but sometimes my writing goes about ten times slower than I talk. If anyone knows how to make essay-complicated writing not feel like squeezing my brain through a straw, I will owe you, like, something.Anyways,
- Back on topic:
- Let me try some future spelunking.
I think that the goddess's death is more likely than ever to occur next chapter, but that's the most obvious one.
"Other
parts, like him claiming to be the great grandson of Shining Armor,
Twilight Sparkle’s brother and the entitled heir to the Crystal Empire,
seemed too farfetched even for the Wasteland."
Now about this, there's a few ways it can go. First off, if Shining Armor hasn't been mentioned before, then one posibility is that he doesn't exist in universe and is a fictional pony that Kind Awesome created to give himself kingshipness. Another is that the 'entitled heir' part could mean that Shining had basically a fancy title. Being an entitled heir to a kingdom sounds awesome, but it's possible that such a claim may be all that exists of the Crystal Empire.
We got confirmation about some old Starmetal speculation, and a few bits about the cyberzebras, which is always a nice payoff.
Glory is best mad doctor. She will create her army of cyberghouls, though maybe only outside the story.
About the delay caused by the crowning of Queen Blackjack, we never got a time limit on how long it would take to make the Fleur fly again. Conveniently finishing around the time everything gets sorted is most probable
"I saw the large Stable Tec R&D building and wondered if I might make a side trip to my side trip."
I'm giving a solid 1 out of 100 chance that BJ goes there and meets Applebot. :P
"Geez, Rose. Where is Hippocratic getting these sales figures for our pest solutions?"
Subsidized by the 'end the world' zebra party!
So going to the far reaches of not-so-posibility, I think that King Awesome faked his death. No, I didn't find anything giving any hints to that possibility, but tangentially not only did BJ and King A hit it off like a hoofbump from Luna, but the timing is extremely suspect. (Especially if I'm right about how long it will take to repair the Fleur.) We know that the Society might have advanced medical tech, and we can tell that King A wants to further change the Society. It is a crazy plan to fake your death and manipulate the chaos from behind the scenes, but it just might be awesome enough to work.
One last thing, just wanna ask everyone a question:
- Spoiler:
- Did anyone else read the father paragraph and wonder if King A might throw some familial ties at BJ? Queen Blackjack was more (awesomely) surprising than the group hug, but it did sneak up behind us there, so I'd like to know how perfectly that tease worked on us.
Also, anyone got good titles for Queen Blackjack? I'm a little too tired to think of any.
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