Sister forum[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Stringtheory Sat Sep 14, 2013 7:43 pm
I'm sure it could be uploaded if you're willing to proofread all million plus words to make sure it imports correctly from gdocs.Formis_Fluttergod wrote:So, just to barge in without knocking, is there any chance of Project Horizons getting uploaded to FiMFiction?
It would be much earier to keep track of chapter updates and more accessible, up-to-date downloads (at the very least).
I realize it would just be another PH page to manage/moderate which would only mean more work for the people involved, that's why I'm only asking about it, not outright suggesting it.
EDIT: It's entirely possible it's already been asked (maybe even by me, I don't remember) and answered, but I'm not willing to to go through all the Comment Threads to find out and the search feature is kinda retarded/useless.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Formis_Fluttergod Sat Sep 14, 2013 8:27 pm
Weeeell, I was planning on doing a second round with FOE and PH sooner or later...stringtheory wrote:I'm sure it could be uploaded if you're willing to proofread all million plus words to make sure it imports correctly from gdocs.
Do you mean the import actually screwing something up (words, sentences, paragraphs), or just stylistic/formatting issues?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Stringtheory Sat Sep 14, 2013 8:47 pm
Most likely both, however I've never used the gdocs importer. Though I do like reading in gdocs then on FiMfiction because gdocs has pages which somehow makes it seem shorter/easier to read in my mind. Plus notification isn't that big of an issue for me, because I hang around here way too much.Formis_Fluttergod wrote:Weeeell, I was planning on doing a second round with FOE and PH sooner or later...stringtheory wrote:I'm sure it could be uploaded if you're willing to proofread all million plus words to make sure it imports correctly from gdocs.
Do you mean the import actually screwing something up (words, sentences, paragraphs), or just stylistic/formatting issues?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Formis_Fluttergod Sat Sep 14, 2013 9:46 pm
Well, I tried creating a test story and importing the first chapter of PH. It seems to remove whitelines between paragraphs (Only one, that is, if there's more it keeps the rest as it is.) and font scaling (in the footnote), keeps italics intact.stringtheory wrote:Most likely both, however I've never used the gdocs importer. Though I do like reading in gdocs then on FiMfiction because gdocs has pages which somehow makes it seem shorter/easier to read in my mind. Plus notification isn't that big of an issue for me, because I hang around here way too much.
I'll try importing and proofreading the first chapter of each Volume for screw-ups in grammar. There's a chance for each indivudal chapter/file to be faulty, but if four random files get through intact (aside from the slight formatting issues) it lowers the overall probability.
Also, I don't read on FiMFiction either, usually, I use it to keep track of stories (even though they kinda messed up the interface lately) and download the fanfics from there to ebook. I know I can download the chapters from gdocs, but downloading individual chapters can get kinda messy after a while and the epub/pdf versions there are usually out-of-date (not trying to be mean or anything, just plainly saying how it is). On FiMFiction the downloads don't have to be maintained separately from the story as they're automatically put together from the chapters you put in.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Sat Sep 14, 2013 10:28 pm
@Formis_Fluttergod: Well, good luck with that. I personally don't know how necessary it is, given this thread and Equestria Daily as primary sources for the announcement, plus probably 4chan, TVTropes, and FimFiction groups (and likely more) as secondary sources, but it couldn't hurt. On formatting, if FimFiction kills the spaces between paragraphs, thank the Sisters Empyreal that the paragraphs are indented. And just checking a few chapters is probably the way to go; even a very fast reader would take literally over two solid days most of a day to read PH (assuming ~2k words/min.), and reading checking for errors takes longer than reading for pleasure; I can only imagine that cross-checking for differences would take longer still. Speaking of . . .
Chapter twenty two.
It might get more violent, more vile, more hopeless than this (or "dark" if you're lazy or want to piss Somber off), but it's hard to think of where. This, probably beyond all others, was an unnecessary defeat that appropriately weighs upon Blackjack's mind and soul. It's true, there were some great strokes of luck, salvaging something from this fiasco, but to be so undone by pride and mere ignorance . . . I wonder if there was some Apple in Rivets's line.
Even early on, this chapter hits hard. There are different ways to enjoy it (sadistically, masochistically, hero worship), but it's hard to get behind it as a simple adventure story. (Most of) these ponies didn't deserve to have this happen to them, but because the world is fucked, it did. (And then, at the end, it happened again, and arguably worse.) Who but the sadist could take satisfaction from killing the monsters who used to be [(largely) misguided mares, part of an evil society, certainly, but who knew nothing else] but are now pathological killers? Sure, there were the Overmare and Daisy, but the rest were just doing their jobs until recently, and though wrong, certainly lived in something resembling a state of innocence, or at least enforced ignorance. Who but the masochist could wish to identify with Blackjack in these times? The hero worshiper may love that she overcomes her ties to the past, but isn't the fact that this world demands heroes of this type depressing? What's left, but pain and anguish and regret?
Chapter twenty two.
It might get more violent, more vile, more hopeless than this (or "dark" if you're lazy or want to piss Somber off), but it's hard to think of where. This, probably beyond all others, was an unnecessary defeat that appropriately weighs upon Blackjack's mind and soul. It's true, there were some great strokes of luck, salvaging something from this fiasco, but to be so undone by pride and mere ignorance . . . I wonder if there was some Apple in Rivets's line.
Even early on, this chapter hits hard. There are different ways to enjoy it (sadistically, masochistically, hero worship), but it's hard to get behind it as a simple adventure story. (Most of) these ponies didn't deserve to have this happen to them, but because the world is fucked, it did. (And then, at the end, it happened again, and arguably worse.) Who but the sadist could take satisfaction from killing the monsters who used to be [(largely) misguided mares, part of an evil society, certainly, but who knew nothing else] but are now pathological killers? Sure, there were the Overmare and Daisy, but the rest were just doing their jobs until recently, and though wrong, certainly lived in something resembling a state of innocence, or at least enforced ignorance. Who but the masochist could wish to identify with Blackjack in these times? The hero worshiper may love that she overcomes her ties to the past, but isn't the fact that this world demands heroes of this type depressing? What's left, but pain and anguish and regret?
- Chapter Twenty Two Running Thoughts:
- I could see every inch of Dewdrops face, those purple irises and pinprick pupils surrounded by sick, piss-yellow sclera.
Were Blackjack's eyes made yellow by the mutation in order to more closely resemble the eyes of raiders?
Then we met, and I grappled with the mare who’d taught me firearms, her head turning to bring her automatic pistol in line with my face, blue and yellow eyes wide with glee and thrill as the hot, reeking barrel pressed against my cheek.
Multicolored/mismatched eyes are pretty unusual.
Rampage was a one pony stampede, a spiked wrecking ball even in armor a size too large.
Almost always when I see "[(s)he] is/was a one [x] [y]," I think of this:
And don't tell me that this doesn't sound like Rampage . . . even if sometimes her "partying" involves crying into the chest of a prostitute while she holds her in her arms.
But they had potions protected from Enervation by the stable’s shielding, and I watched bloody holes close as they drank and rallied.
It's not too often I think of the other side using healing potions.
Angles, one of the structural engineers, slammed into me wearing cobbled-together armor from her workshop. The spikes plucked at the holes in my armor as she bit at my throat. I’d cheated off her math homework for years; she’d known. She never hid it. Shoving her back, I plunged my dragon claw into her eye and kept pushing till the back of the socket gave way and the curved tip pushed deep inside her skull.
Thanks for the answers, Angles… With each mare I killed, I killed a little more of myself.
Sometimes, it's the little things, like this, that make all the difference. It doesn't take much, but giving this little glimpse into who Angles was (and I'm not talking about her role as a structural engineer) helps to reinforce that everyone, even the bulk cannon fodder, is more than that to themselves and the people who knew them.
“No,” I muttered softly. “It’s not a fucking contest, Watcher. I’m tired. I’m tired of evil, fucked-up shit. I’m tired of a world of evil, fucked-up shit where no matter how hard I push there’s something worse to push back. I kill Deus and get a new Project Chimera monster. I try and help the Sand Dogs and wipe out Riverside. Every step forward I take comes with three steps back.”
Of course, it's more than just this. But this is a pretty good summation of her life nonetheless, and her reasons for giving up. And who could blame her? After all, many, many more have come before her, and none have really lasted.
I couldn’t answer him. I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t do anything but look at the Dealer as sad tears ran down his cheek and he slowly rose, his worn cards fluttering around his hooves. “I’ll be outside when you’re ready,” he rasped quietly as he walked to the door and stepped out into the rain.
Even with just the knowledge we had at the time, this is a beautiful passage, underlining the fact that the Wasteland isn't trying to destroy her, but just is, always there for her whenever she's ready to face it again.
The gray pegasus rubbed her nose with a wing; something that both my old friends found fascinating.
Good touch.
“I have brain damage, so you’ll probably have to be specific,” I said as I stepped next to her and looked at a talisman shaped like a pinwheel around a gemstone.
That's actually a relatively good way of justifying exposition diegetically.
She was Angelheart, one of the meekest mares I’d ever known… actually, she’d been a little annoying before. Now she had decided to screw bits of pointy metal into her forehoof.
. . .
Her eyes went wide, enough of the ghost of the kind mare I’d known left to look shocked before she fell limp.
Now, I can't say that this was meant to make the reader think of Fluttershy, but there's enough to make the subconscious go there (angel, kind mare).
“Is… is… is… it over…?” she asked me between hysterical little hiccups, her yellowed eyes looking into my glowing ones in desperation. “It… it doesn’t get… easy… say it’s over…”
“Yeah. It is,” I said softly as I lifted the dragon claw to her throat. “It’s over, Pastels.”
“Good…” she stammered, “Good… good…”
It's hard to see them when they have their moments of clarity, seeing and knowing what monsters they have become, and wishing that they were not.
Rampage lay on her back, chains holding her to a table as Mince and Chopper cut away regenerating hunks of flesh almost as fast as they reappeared. The chains holding her to the table were being grown around, trapping her in this nightmare. Suddenly, as terrible as it was, P-21’s worst fate was nothing compared to Rampage’s. They could eat her forever… hauled around wherever the raiders roamed as an eternal source of meat.
Yeah, this sticks with you. It's one of the "darker" parts of the story, violent and mean-spirited. In a way, of course, it's not so different from P-21's old situation, as in each case they were condemned to indefinite violation to sate the appetites of the mares of 99. The greatest difference is probably that P-21 was forced to act, to be complicit in his own torture under the threat of more acute violence, while Rampage suffers the greater physical duress.
Funny, the Dealer was missing a doozy of a chance to make me feel like a murderer. Then again, maybe I didn’t need him to; I was already feeling like a monster today.
Always with the dropping of hints, you are.
“And thank the Goddess for me… for letting you do this,” I added. Lacunae looked surprised, then oddly amused before she shook her head with a smile and disappeared with a flash.
I don't know why, but this was emotionally touching to me. Maybe it's that there are two people, each under compulsions, acknowledging, however obliquely, their limitations. Or rather, one doing that, and the other meekly accepting it.
Then a chain flipped over her head and pulled tight against her throat as two blue hooves yanked it taut. The chain dug in tight, the hoofcuffs keeping it from slipping free as her mottled skin went from dirty white to a horrible blue. Then purple. Her dark tongue rolled out as her horn sparked desperately for something to shoot him with. Finally, she gave one last shudder and went limp.
He collapsed, shaking, sobbing, still entangled with her body. I sat up and carefully undid the bridle as he stared with eyes empty of everything except pain and humiliation. “I’m not your trick pony… I’m not... I’m not…” he whispered.
I may well have missed this reference the first time around.
“How’d you know it was me?” I replied.
“Um, yeah. Marmalade wouldn’t have lasted two weeks alone. If she were alive, she’d have come back or died trying,” she said as she trotted towards me.
(Also, the Blackjacking!) Of course, Blackjack is nothing like Air Marshall 50 Cent.
My nightmare realized. “Right. So I suppose this is where you tell me to eat the meat for real and join you or die?”
Daisy snorted and shook her head. “What, do I look stupid? No, you’re just going to die.”
Ah, someone just evil, and genre-savvy enough to back it up.
I’m glad you came back, Blackjack,” she wheezed as she slowly pushed herself to her legs again. “I’m glad. If there’s anypony that could end this, it was you.” I could hear the grind of bone as her limbs knit together. Her lower body looked flayed as the magic potions kept her alive, and I hesitated.
As I said, genre-savvy. You're just going to buy this, aren't you, BJ?
Then a white and red striped cannonball flew across the atrium and slammed into Daisy.
I wonder what the deus ex Rampage count is at this point.
I stared as I saw dangling lengths of chain sticking out of her body, wondering if we were going to have to disintegrate her again to get them out.
No, just cut her legs off above where the chains are embedded! Dumbass!
“You don’t fucking get it, do you?” Rampage sneered up at the larger pony. An emerald beam of light flashed from the balcony, the energy burning away Daisy’s barding and cooking the meat beneath it.
“We’re her friends,” Glory said. The small gray pegasus had been forced to mount Leo’s old gun to fire over her shoulder to accommodate its size and weight.
There was a purple flash behind Daisy, and Lacunae appeared inside her sphere, the minigun motor already purring at speed above her. “That means…”
P-21 knelt beside me, forcing a stable rejuvenation potion to my lips as he glared at Daisy. “She doesn’t have to fight alone!”
Sometimes, the cues taken from anime/manga tropes—I don't think I go too far in narrowing it to shonen—are just all too clear.
“G…good…” she panted softly with a smile. “You…. Saved… me…Black…” Her eyes twitched as she took one last hiccupping breath and then slowly relaxed, her pupils expanding in some final semblance of sanity. Of peace.
“Take care, Daisy,” I murmured softly, my magic closing her eyes. “Goodbye.” Sometimes, to save a pony...
Not quite there, but shades of the death of Vader. The only reason "You already have" doesn't fit here is because "I wanted to save you!" came with so much between then and this.
There was a definite stale pong in the air I’d never noticed before.
I smell the trace of an Englishman (apologies if Snipehamster is Scottish, Welsh, or (Northern) Irish). Though I guess it could be a Somber original; he does have a diverse vocabulary.
“Why?” Glory asked softly. “You’re not to blame for everything that goes wrong in the Wasteland, or even your own stable. You tried to help. That has to count for something.”
This is the kind of thing I was taking about in my post on Caritas, specifically the part about one of Blackjack's great sins being a perverse form of pride.
She looked at me flatly and smacked my face with her hoof. “You do not need any more holes in your head, Blackjack.”
A good mantra.
Somepony was touching me.
There was a familiar eep, and I glanced back at a blushing Glory as she pinched a rag between her hooves.
She looked at me flatly and smacked my face with her hoof . . . The gray pegasus sighed softly and rubbed my cheek.
Glory stroked my filthy mane . . . She chewed on her lower lip in worry, her lavender eyes looking up at me.
And I knew that look in her cute little face. That was a kissing look.
That was really good buildup to this. The subtle touches, under the cover of the medical aspect, the blush, all with the knowledge of her attraction from before, but frustrated and understated.
“Blackjack,” Glory purred softly once our lips parted, her eyes closed.
“Yeah?” I murmured, my head spinning. I’d never kissed like that before.
“You need a shower,” Glory said softly. “And clean your room.”
Ha!
Okay, in the interest of actually saying something worthwhile, ending scenes on a quick thrust of something contrary to the tone of the preceding passage seems to be a common tactic you make use of. And it almost invariably works well to cleanse the palate, as it were, before beginning a new scene.
When she’d told me I needed a shower, I hadn’t anticipated company. The showers weren’t exactly the sort of place two mares could get frisky; you never knew when a filly might stroll in.
Maybe, but it's worth remembering that one of the first scenes in all of PH had two mares going at it in the shower (as Blackjack walked in on them).
“Around,” Glory said evasively as she blushed, looking at me from under her purple bangs.
Yeah, it's been a little while since they met, but I'm not sure it was long enough to go from a buzz cut to having bangs.
“Both?” Glory offered as she tapped her hooves together. “Dusk is… very much… and I didn’t want to be like her, so I just didn’t have intimate relationships. I just figured I had too much studying and other work to do to worry about it. You finally got me to act on it.”
“You have terrible taste. I’m probably the last mare you should have done that with. I can introduce you to Midnight, though,” I said with a crooked little smile.
“Don’t do that,” she told me softly. Huh? I’d done something? “Don’t tear yourself down like that… even if you’re joking. I’m glad I was finally able to do that with you. I don’t want to do it with anypony else.” Great, now I was pretty sure I was blushing.
AND SO IT BEGINS.
But really, looking back you can see the communicating past each other, subtly, from the very beginning.
“It isn’t how it’s supposed to be, is it, Blackjack?” he asked me softly as he looked at the colts walking back into their dingy quarters. “We won. It’s supposed to be better. Right?”
“It just feels wrong,” I admitted.
“It feels like Flank.”
And here's a contrast to what I said earlier. It's a real downer ending to this section, a section that could be summed up by "disappointing." Yet it's also a prime example of the problem that Blackjack and company face, the same one Littlepip's crew did: once you kill the bad guys, there's still community building left to do, and even the comparatively good guys don't necessarily want to do it. And between Flank and this, I think that she's largely given up on the 1) Kill the bad guys; 2) ???; 3) Profit (Everything's Better) plan. Even if she wishes it were that simple.
I smiled as I pulled out Vigilance. Card Trick. Tarot. Little Poker. Full House. 52 Pick-up. Straight Flush. Aces. Royal Flush. Bridge. Hearts. Gin Rummy. Go Fish.
Go Fish. I felt an odd little chill run through me. I hugged the pistol to my chest, feeling a connection to a mare I’d never imagined and a mother I’d never appreciated till it was too late.
Hmmm. ~200 years . . . twelve generations. That's about a little under 17 years per generation, and two generations alive at a time. Blackjack likely expected to die around 33 . . .
Also, maintaining the importance of the unresolved emotions directed toward her mother is good, and does work setting up things later, like Lucidity.
Rampage had extracted the chains with the assist of a winch; the less I knew about the details, the better.
Seriously, was that easier and less painful than cutting her legs off above the chains?
“Open the valve marked ‘purge’ and say goodbye to your lunch,” she said grimly as she pointed at a large, open-ended pipe at the base of the tank. She hopped down to one side, and I stood on the other. Together, we struggled, and then there was a pop and a hiss and black foamy water began to spray out. The reek was so intense that I doubled over and gagged, puking into the sludge spraying out around our hooves.
I've worked at landfills; I've been splattered with leachate (I wonder if I will ever see a spell checker that recognizes this word); let me just say I'm glad I've never had to work in what amounts to barely-treated sewage. With corpses in it.
Her eyes went wide as I levitated the Delta PipBuck and threw it through the closing door along with my bags. The rest looked on in shock as Glory screamed my name. Then the door closed in my face, the Dealer fading away with a sad sigh.
More foreshadowing of the Dealer's nature. And I wonder if he was just guessing she'd lock herself in, or the chlorine plan, as well. I suppose it doesn't really matter either way: suicide by gas and suicide by raider, what's it matter in the big picture; likewise, execution/prevention by gas or starvation-induced cannibalism?
The only death I couldn’t give was to the only pony who deserved it.
Myself.
Again, this is a case of Blackjack's perverse sense of judgment that assigns a degree of blame to herself that she wouldn't think of directing at anyone else. Seriously, if someone told her he had to put down everyone he knew and loved to keep them from devouring everyone in sight, she'd think he did the right thing, even sympathize (after "Play," and even more so after this, empathize) with him. But since it was her that did it, not only does she believe that she failed, not only does she feel the pain of regret and loss, but she believes that it's her fault, that she personally wronged everyone in there, and that she's a murderer (merely wishing death is one thing; believing she deserves it is another—though of course there are two distinct forms of "deserve" in this sort of thing, and she feels both at different (and sometimes at the same?) times). This only makes sense in the context of a deep-seated pride, the belief that she is greater than other mares, possibly on the level of her Goddesses.
- Chapter Twenty Two Editing:
- I’d hang in beside my friends.
I don't really know what this means. I am, of course, familiar with the idiom "hang in there," but I don't think I've ever heard it without the "there."
The disease Glory had discovered, that the Enclave were developing, that I’d encountered face to face in Tumbleweed and those farmers, had found its way to Stable 99.
Now, this is something that is largely a matter of location. Generally speaking, in American English groups, companies, etc. are treated as single entities, e.g. "McDonald's is the foremost fast food company in the country," where the British (and possibly others) tend to treat such groups as the collection of multiple individuals (McDonald's are the . . . ). At different points, you use each with respect to the Enclave, and possibly other groups as well. Do you have a preference between the two?
I could see every inch of Dewdrops face, those purple irises and pinprick pupils surrounded by sick, piss-yellow sclera.
"Dewdrop's"
His sides gleamed with blood from bites, cuts and kicks, yet he was still on his hooves.
Serial comma needed after "cuts."
Lacunae’s shield disappeared in a flash as her minigun went from weapon to bludgeon before she teleported away.
A bludgeon is still a weapon, but I can't think of a better replacement than "firearm," and even that's a little clunky.
His tinny voice crackled as he fluttered in my face. I felt the chunks of foulness
Three spaces after the period.
“What happened… why’d my head hurt?”
This can work if we focus on her compromised state of mind, but grammatically it would be "why's my head hurt?" since this is dialog, not narration, and there's no reason for her to be speaking in the past tense.
and she said that you and your mother were traitors. That you had let the raiders
Three spaces after the period.
we’d have to go up and be punished. We’d have to…eat… dead
Three spaces after the period, no space after the first ellipsis.
She told us that the Overmare had ordered a ‘victory meal of the dead.’
Period to outside of quotation marks.
The welders goggles she wore were odd, but then most raiders seemed to have a sensitivity to light.
I think that this is normally "welding goggles."
“Good…” she stammered, “Good… good…”
There should only be one space after the first quotation.
Funny, but It seemed harder to bring up than it had been to choke down,
"It" shouldn't be capitalized.
I turned, my mouth still dripping bile and chucks of cardiac muscle.
"chunks"
The bodies of four more raiders were piled there. She stared in shock
Three spaces after the period.
she’d just like to note… this is not typical heroic behavior.”
There should only be one space after this ellipsis.
the four raiders she’d taken had been armed only with simple melee implements. Hopefully that meant
Three spaces after the period.
for bringing my favorite buck back to me. He’s always been
Three spaces after the period.
“You don’t get it. I can do anything. Nopony will ever hurt me again.” she said with certainty.
Quotation should end with comma, not period.
I entered S.A.T.S.: Horn, head, horn, head.
The "horn" after the colon shouldn't be capitalized.
If pain was the norm, it wouldn’t be hidden and shameful.
I think this should be in the subjunctive, "if pain were the norm."
moving much more slowly and tenderly than before. He nodded,
Three spaces after the period.
too hurt and crazy. I saw her offing her mom
they’ll be with us. Then we’ll take
Only one space after the periods.
Then the mines I’d tossed started beeping. She screamed
despite the two rounds I put in her chest. She ducked and whirled,
Three spaces after the periods.
“You…. Saved… me…Black…”
Space needed before "Black," and the first ellipsis should probably have only three dots, and "saved" shouldn't be capitalized.
I sighed as I felt the turpentine evaporating on my butt, feeling a niggling sensation.
Two uses of "to feel" in the same sentence feels off. Maybe something along the lines of "I sighed as the turpentine evaporated off my butt, feeling a niggling sensation."?
What if Lighthooves wants the disease to create unconditional loyalty?” It would explain why he would want to accelerate the infection rate and find a strain that would work on pegasi.”
Only one of these closing quotation marks should be here. I suspect the latter, based on Glory's reaction.
Mom… suddenly, all the happy feelings started to slide away
There should only be one space after this ellipsis, or "suddenly" should be capitalized.
The males were free...well, sort of.
There should be a space after this ellipsis.
and he nodded. That was the best
Only one space after the period.
I would never again stray from my two century old delicacies. Then his voice dropped
Three spaces after the period.
the brass casings I hauled around, and dozens of associated crap I hoped to turn into bottle caps in the future.
"Associated crap" isn't really quantifiable in itself; this should be "and associated crap" or "and dozens of pieces of associated crap."
“I can tell you where it’s been… every ministry hub in Canterlot, Stable-Tec HQ in Fillydelphia, someplace called Maripony, Tenpony Tower and the M.o.M. hub in Manehattan, Helpinghoof Clinic,
Was it called "Tenpony Tower" before the fall? Even if it were, wouldn't it specify the MAS hub?
Even Glory was forced to spend more time with me than with ponies she wanted to heal;
I feel like there should be a "the" before "ponies she wanted to heal."
I’ll fix Stable 99 without having to set hoof out in that... that great... open.... hrrrugh!”
There should only be three dots in the last ellipsis.
I found myself reading Rivets’ book; ‘Duck and Cover: an Equestrian Patriot’s Guide to Survival.’
"Rivets's," the semicolon should be a comma or a colon, and the period should be outside the quotation marks.
There were diagrams of zebra factories, towns, water works and bases; all with notes of what to sabotage or blow up.
I'd suggest semicolon to comma.
‘Request for Blackjack and company to depart the stable.’
Possible period to outside of quotation marks, if it wasn't written as part of the message.
It was a destination in the direction of ‘away from 99.’
Period to outside of quotation marks.
Even after weeks, the room still smelled like her: a curious mix of powder, gun oil and lavender soap.
Serial comma after "oil."
‘My Lucky Girl.’
‘Property of Tarot.’
Period to outside of quotation marks unless part of the note.
That way, when the systems fucked in the ass, everypony will know who to blame!”
"System's"
a lot like her mom. Not beautiful or pretty,
Only one space after the period.
She gave me a friendly grin back; the first I’d received in days.
Semicolon to comma. If you want to preserve the impact of the clarification, a period probably serves better.
Sending a body through is no big deal but dozens?
Comma after "deal."
There’ a place called Megamart that’s got tons of stuff the stable needs, and Rivets will need a maintenance mare to get it.
"There's"
Suddenly, there was a purple flash behind me, and I heard the Goddess’ voice as clear as day.
"Goddess's"
Icy Shake- Alicorn
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Sat Sep 14, 2013 10:33 pm
Yeah... on one hoof, you want BJ to be right that she's a hero, not a lunatic. On the other, it would be really nice to think that all this horror exists only in the head of one severely disturbed pony.Scienza wrote:Since I now have a place to vent my fangushing, prepare for incoming somewhat out-of-date fangushing.
[fangushing]
I've been rereading Lucidity and I've realized why I love it so bloody much. Not only is it utterly believable (and in fact, "answers" a lot of questions about Blackjack's unkillableness), but it makes the reader, to some extent, want it to be true. Those sequences with Blackjack and Gin Rummy were just heartbreaking. You get to see her get a small bit of the closure she never had with her mother, and she's utterly torn between what she wants and what she knows to be true. It's just fantastic. Great job, Somber and assorted amazing magical editor men.
[/fangushing]
SilentCarto- Alicorn
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Age : 45
Location : Texas
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Sep 15, 2013 2:39 am
Not until PH is finished, sorry.Formis_Fluttergod wrote:So, just to barge in without knocking, is there any chance of Project Horizons getting uploaded to FiMFiction?
It would be much earier to keep track of chapter updates and more accessible, up-to-date downloads (at the very least).
I realize it would just be another PH page to manage/moderate which would only mean more work for the people involved, that's why I'm only asking about it, not outright suggesting it.
EDIT: It's entirely possible it's already been asked (maybe even by me, I don't remember
And duplicate any changes we make to the Gdocs, don't forget.stringtheory wrote:I'm sure it could be uploaded if you're willing to proofread all million plus words to make sure it imports correctly from gdocs.
Both.Formis_Fluttergod wrote:Do you mean the import actually screwing something up (words, sentences, paragraphs), or just stylistic/formatting issues?
http://nallar.me/ficsFormis_Fluttergod wrote:Also, I don't read on FiMFiction either, usually, I use it to keep track of stories (even though they kinda messed up the interface lately) and download the fanfics from there to ebook. I know I can download the chapters from gdocs, but downloading individual chapters can get kinda messy after a while and the epub/pdf versions there are usually out-of-date (not trying to be mean or anything, just plainly saying how it is).
It's not perfect, but it's a single download and automatically updated.
Really, the FIMFiction system can take live updates from Gdocs? I've never heard that before. Even so, we'd probably still have to inspect for formatting.Formis_Fluttergod wrote:On FiMFiction the downloads don't have to be maintained separately from the story as they're automatically put together from the chapters you put in.
Ah, thank you very much as always.Icy Shake wrote:Chapter twenty two.
It might get more violent, more vile, more hopeless than this (or "dark" if you're lazy or want to piss Somber off), but it's hard to think of where. This, probably beyond all others, was an unnecessary defeat that appropriately weighs upon Blackjack's mind and soul. It's true, there were some great strokes of luck, salvaging something from this fiasco, but to be so undone by pride and mere ignorance . . . I wonder if there was some Apple in Rivets's line.
Even early on, this chapter hits hard. There are different ways to enjoy it (sadistically, masochistically, hero worship), but it's hard to get behind it as a simple adventure story. (Most of) these ponies didn't deserve to have this happen to them, but because the world is fucked, it did. (And then, at the end, it happened again, and arguably worse.) Who but the sadist could take satisfaction from killing the monsters who used to be [(largely) misguided mares, part of an evil society, certainly, but who knew nothing else] but are now pathological killers? Sure, there were the Overmare and Daisy, but the rest were just doing their jobs until recently, and though wrong, certainly lived in something resembling a state of innocence, or at least enforced ignorance. Who but the masochist could wish to identify with Blackjack in these times? The hero worshiper may love that she overcomes her ties to the past, but isn't the fact that this world demands heroes of this type depressing? What's left, but pain and anguish and regret?
- Chapter Twenty Two Running Thoughts:
Were Blackjack's eyes made yellow by the mutation in order to more closely resemble the eyes of raiders?
Then we met, and I grappled with the mare who’d taught me firearms, her head turning to bring her automatic pistol in line with my face, blue and yellow eyes wide with glee and thrill as the hot, reeking barrel pressed against my cheek.
Multicolored/mismatched eyes are pretty unusual.
Rampage was a one pony stampede, a spiked wrecking ball even in armor a size too large.
Almost always when I see "[(s)he] is/was a one [x] [y]," I think of this:
And don't tell me that this doesn't sound like Rampage . . . even if sometimes her "partying" involves crying into the chest of a prostitute while she holds her in her arms.
But they had potions protected from Enervation by the stable’s shielding, and I watched bloody holes close as they drank and rallied.
It's not too often I think of the other side using healing potions.
Angles, one of the structural engineers, slammed into me wearing cobbled-together armor from her workshop. The spikes plucked at the holes in my armor as she bit at my throat. I’d cheated off her math homework for years; she’d known. She never hid it. Shoving her back, I plunged my dragon claw into her eye and kept pushing till the back of the socket gave way and the curved tip pushed deep inside her skull.
Thanks for the answers, Angles… With each mare I killed, I killed a little more of myself.
Sometimes, it's the little things, like this, that make all the difference. It doesn't take much, but giving this little glimpse into who Angles was (and I'm not talking about her role as a structural engineer) helps to reinforce that everyone, even the bulk cannon fodder, is more than that to themselves and the people who knew them.
“No,” I muttered softly. “It’s not a fucking contest, Watcher. I’m tired. I’m tired of evil, fucked-up shit. I’m tired of a world of evil, fucked-up shit where no matter how hard I push there’s something worse to push back. I kill Deus and get a new Project Chimera monster. I try and help the Sand Dogs and wipe out Riverside. Every step forward I take comes with three steps back.”
Of course, it's more than just this. But this is a pretty good summation of her life nonetheless, and her reasons for giving up. And who could blame her? After all, many, many more have come before her, and none have really lasted.
I couldn’t answer him. I couldn’t tell him. I couldn’t do anything but look at the Dealer as sad tears ran down his cheek and he slowly rose, his worn cards fluttering around his hooves. “I’ll be outside when you’re ready,” he rasped quietly as he walked to the door and stepped out into the rain.
Even with just the knowledge we had at the time, this is a beautiful passage, underlining the fact that the Wasteland isn't trying to destroy her, but just is, always there for her whenever she's ready to face it again.
The gray pegasus rubbed her nose with a wing; something that both my old friends found fascinating.
Good touch.
“I have brain damage, so you’ll probably have to be specific,” I said as I stepped next to her and looked at a talisman shaped like a pinwheel around a gemstone.
That's actually a relatively good way of justifying exposition diegetically.
She was Angelheart, one of the meekest mares I’d ever known… actually, she’d been a little annoying before. Now she had decided to screw bits of pointy metal into her forehoof.
. . .
Her eyes went wide, enough of the ghost of the kind mare I’d known left to look shocked before she fell limp.
Now, I can't say that this was meant to make the reader think of Fluttershy, but there's enough to make the subconscious go there (angel, kind mare).
“Is… is… is… it over…?” she asked me between hysterical little hiccups, her yellowed eyes looking into my glowing ones in desperation. “It… it doesn’t get… easy… say it’s over…”
“Yeah. It is,” I said softly as I lifted the dragon claw to her throat. “It’s over, Pastels.”
“Good…” she stammered, “Good… good…”
It's hard to see them when they have their moments of clarity, seeing and knowing what monsters they have become, and wishing that they were not.
Rampage lay on her back, chains holding her to a table as Mince and Chopper cut away regenerating hunks of flesh almost as fast as they reappeared. The chains holding her to the table were being grown around, trapping her in this nightmare. Suddenly, as terrible as it was, P-21’s worst fate was nothing compared to Rampage’s. They could eat her forever… hauled around wherever the raiders roamed as an eternal source of meat.
Yeah, this sticks with you. It's one of the "darker" parts of the story, violent and mean-spirited. In a way, of course, it's not so different from P-21's old situation, as in each case they were condemned to indefinite violation to sate the appetites of the mares of 99. The greatest difference is probably that P-21 was forced to act, to be complicit in his own torture under the threat of more acute violence, while Rampage suffers the greater physical duress.
Funny, the Dealer was missing a doozy of a chance to make me feel like a murderer. Then again, maybe I didn’t need him to; I was already feeling like a monster today.
Always with the dropping of hints, you are.
“And thank the Goddess for me… for letting you do this,” I added. Lacunae looked surprised, then oddly amused before she shook her head with a smile and disappeared with a flash.
I don't know why, but this was emotionally touching to me. Maybe it's that there are two people, each under compulsions, acknowledging, however obliquely, their limitations. Or rather, one doing that, and the other meekly accepting it.
Then a chain flipped over her head and pulled tight against her throat as two blue hooves yanked it taut. The chain dug in tight, the hoofcuffs keeping it from slipping free as her mottled skin went from dirty white to a horrible blue. Then purple. Her dark tongue rolled out as her horn sparked desperately for something to shoot him with. Finally, she gave one last shudder and went limp.
He collapsed, shaking, sobbing, still entangled with her body. I sat up and carefully undid the bridle as he stared with eyes empty of everything except pain and humiliation. “I’m not your trick pony… I’m not... I’m not…” he whispered.
I may well have missed this reference the first time around.
“How’d you know it was me?” I replied.
“Um, yeah. Marmalade wouldn’t have lasted two weeks alone. If she were alive, she’d have come back or died trying,” she said as she trotted towards me.
(Also, the Blackjacking!) Of course, Blackjack is nothing like Air Marshall 50 Cent.
My nightmare realized. “Right. So I suppose this is where you tell me to eat the meat for real and join you or die?”
Daisy snorted and shook her head. “What, do I look stupid? No, you’re just going to die.”
Ah, someone just evil, and genre-savvy enough to back it up.
I’m glad you came back, Blackjack,” she wheezed as she slowly pushed herself to her legs again. “I’m glad. If there’s anypony that could end this, it was you.” I could hear the grind of bone as her limbs knit together. Her lower body looked flayed as the magic potions kept her alive, and I hesitated.
As I said, genre-savvy. You're just going to buy this, aren't you, BJ?
Then a white and red striped cannonball flew across the atrium and slammed into Daisy.
I wonder what the deus ex Rampage count is at this point.
I stared as I saw dangling lengths of chain sticking out of her body, wondering if we were going to have to disintegrate her again to get them out.
No, just cut her legs off above where the chains are embedded! Dumbass!
“You don’t fucking get it, do you?” Rampage sneered up at the larger pony. An emerald beam of light flashed from the balcony, the energy burning away Daisy’s barding and cooking the meat beneath it.
“We’re her friends,” Glory said. The small gray pegasus had been forced to mount Leo’s old gun to fire over her shoulder to accommodate its size and weight.
There was a purple flash behind Daisy, and Lacunae appeared inside her sphere, the minigun motor already purring at speed above her. “That means…”
P-21 knelt beside me, forcing a stable rejuvenation potion to my lips as he glared at Daisy. “She doesn’t have to fight alone!”
Sometimes, the cues taken from anime/manga tropes—I don't think I go too far in narrowing it to shonen—are just all too clear.
“G…good…” she panted softly with a smile. “You…. Saved… me…Black…” Her eyes twitched as she took one last hiccupping breath and then slowly relaxed, her pupils expanding in some final semblance of sanity. Of peace.
“Take care, Daisy,” I murmured softly, my magic closing her eyes. “Goodbye.” Sometimes, to save a pony...
Not quite there, but shades of the death of Vader. The only reason "You already have" doesn't fit here is because "I wanted to save you!" came with so much between then and this.
There was a definite stale pong in the air I’d never noticed before.
I smell the trace of an Englishman (apologies if Snipehamster is Scottish, Welsh, or (Northern) Irish). Though I guess it could be a Somber original; he does have a diverse vocabulary.
“Why?” Glory asked softly. “You’re not to blame for everything that goes wrong in the Wasteland, or even your own stable. You tried to help. That has to count for something.”
This is the kind of thing I was taking about in my post on Caritas, specifically the part about one of Blackjack's great sins being a perverse form of pride.
She looked at me flatly and smacked my face with her hoof. “You do not need any more holes in your head, Blackjack.”
A good mantra.
Somepony was touching me.
There was a familiar eep, and I glanced back at a blushing Glory as she pinched a rag between her hooves.
She looked at me flatly and smacked my face with her hoof . . . The gray pegasus sighed softly and rubbed my cheek.
Glory stroked my filthy mane . . . She chewed on her lower lip in worry, her lavender eyes looking up at me.
And I knew that look in her cute little face. That was a kissing look.
That was really good buildup to this. The subtle touches, under the cover of the medical aspect, the blush, all with the knowledge of her attraction from before, but frustrated and understated.
“Blackjack,” Glory purred softly once our lips parted, her eyes closed.
“Yeah?” I murmured, my head spinning. I’d never kissed like that before.
“You need a shower,” Glory said softly. “And clean your room.”
Ha!
Okay, in the interest of actually saying something worthwhile, ending scenes on a quick thrust of something contrary to the tone of the preceding passage seems to be a common tactic you make use of. And it almost invariably works well to cleanse the palate, as it were, before beginning a new scene.
When she’d told me I needed a shower, I hadn’t anticipated company. The showers weren’t exactly the sort of place two mares could get frisky; you never knew when a filly might stroll in.
Maybe, but it's worth remembering that one of the first scenes in all of PH had two mares going at it in the shower (as Blackjack walked in on them).
“Around,” Glory said evasively as she blushed, looking at me from under her purple bangs.
Yeah, it's been a little while since they met, but I'm not sure it was long enough to go from a buzz cut to having bangs.
“Both?” Glory offered as she tapped her hooves together. “Dusk is… very much… and I didn’t want to be like her, so I just didn’t have intimate relationships. I just figured I had too much studying and other work to do to worry about it. You finally got me to act on it.”
“You have terrible taste. I’m probably the last mare you should have done that with. I can introduce you to Midnight, though,” I said with a crooked little smile.
“Don’t do that,” she told me softly. Huh? I’d done something? “Don’t tear yourself down like that… even if you’re joking. I’m glad I was finally able to do that with you. I don’t want to do it with anypony else.” Great, now I was pretty sure I was blushing.
AND SO IT BEGINS.
But really, looking back you can see the communicating past each other, subtly, from the very beginning.
“It isn’t how it’s supposed to be, is it, Blackjack?” he asked me softly as he looked at the colts walking back into their dingy quarters. “We won. It’s supposed to be better. Right?”
“It just feels wrong,” I admitted.
“It feels like Flank.”
And here's a contrast to what I said earlier. It's a real downer ending to this section, a section that could be summed up by "disappointing." Yet it's also a prime example of the problem that Blackjack and company face, the same one Littlepip's crew did: once you kill the bad guys, there's still community building left to do, and even the comparatively good guys don't necessarily want to do it. And between Flank and this, I think that she's largely given up on the 1) Kill the bad guys; 2) ???; 3) Profit (Everything's Better) plan. Even if she wishes it were that simple.
I smiled as I pulled out Vigilance. Card Trick. Tarot. Little Poker. Full House. 52 Pick-up. Straight Flush. Aces. Royal Flush. Bridge. Hearts. Gin Rummy. Go Fish.
Go Fish. I felt an odd little chill run through me. I hugged the pistol to my chest, feeling a connection to a mare I’d never imagined and a mother I’d never appreciated till it was too late.
Hmmm. ~200 years . . . twelve generations. That's about a little under 17 years per generation, and two generations alive at a time. Blackjack likely expected to die around 33 . . .
Also, maintaining the importance of the unresolved emotions directed toward her mother is good, and does work setting up things later, like Lucidity.
Rampage had extracted the chains with the assist of a winch; the less I knew about the details, the better.
Seriously, was that easier and less painful than cutting her legs off above the chains?
“Open the valve marked ‘purge’ and say goodbye to your lunch,” she said grimly as she pointed at a large, open-ended pipe at the base of the tank. She hopped down to one side, and I stood on the other. Together, we struggled, and then there was a pop and a hiss and black foamy water began to spray out. The reek was so intense that I doubled over and gagged, puking into the sludge spraying out around our hooves.
I've worked at landfills; I've been splattered with leachate (I wonder if I will ever see a spell checker that recognizes this word); let me just say I'm glad I've never had to work in what amounts to barely-treated sewage. With corpses in it.
Her eyes went wide as I levitated the Delta PipBuck and threw it through the closing door along with my bags. The rest looked on in shock as Glory screamed my name. Then the door closed in my face, the Dealer fading away with a sad sigh.
More foreshadowing of the Dealer's nature. And I wonder if he was just guessing she'd lock herself in, or the chlorine plan, as well. I suppose it doesn't really matter either way: suicide by gas and suicide by raider, what's it matter in the big picture; likewise, execution/prevention by gas or starvation-induced cannibalism?
The only death I couldn’t give was to the only pony who deserved it.
Myself.
Again, this is a case of Blackjack's perverse sense of judgment that assigns a degree of blame to herself that she wouldn't think of directing at anyone else. Seriously, if someone told her he had to put down everyone he knew and loved to keep them from devouring everyone in sight, she'd think he did the right thing, even sympathize (after "Play," and even more so after this, empathize) with him. But since it was her that did it, not only does she believe that she failed, not only does she feel the pain of regret and loss, but she believes that it's her fault, that she personally wronged everyone in there, and that she's a murderer (merely wishing death is one thing; believing she deserves it is another—though of course there are two distinct forms of "deserve" in this sort of thing, and she feels both at different (and sometimes at the same?) times). This only makes sense in the context of a deep-seated pride, the belief that she is greater than other mares, possibly on the level of her Goddesses.
- Chapter Twenty Two Editing:
I don't really know what this means. I am, of course, familiar with the idiom "hang in there," but I don't think I've ever heard it without the "there."
The disease Glory had discovered, that the Enclave were developing, that I’d encountered face to face in Tumbleweed and those farmers, had found its way to Stable 99.
Now, this is something that is largely a matter of location. Generally speaking, in American English groups, companies, etc. are treated as single entities, e.g. "McDonald's is the foremost fast food company in the country," where the British (and possibly others) tend to treat such groups as the collection of multiple individuals (McDonald's are the . . . ). At different points, you use each with respect to the Enclave, and possibly other groups as well. Do you have a preference between the two?
I could see every inch of Dewdrops face, those purple irises and pinprick pupils surrounded by sick, piss-yellow sclera.
"Dewdrop's"
His sides gleamed with blood from bites, cuts and kicks, yet he was still on his hooves.
Serial comma needed after "cuts."
Lacunae’s shield disappeared in a flash as her minigun went from weapon to bludgeon before she teleported away.
A bludgeon is still a weapon, but I can't think of a better replacement than "firearm," and even that's a little clunky.
His tinny voice crackled as he fluttered in my face. I felt the chunks of foulness
Three spaces after the period.
“What happened… why’d my head hurt?”
This can work if we focus on her compromised state of mind, but grammatically it would be "why's my head hurt?" since this is dialog, not narration, and there's no reason for her to be speaking in the past tense.
and she said that you and your mother were traitors. That you had let the raiders
Three spaces after the period.
we’d have to go up and be punished. We’d have to…eat… dead
Three spaces after the period, no space after the first ellipsis.
She told us that the Overmare had ordered a ‘victory meal of the dead.’
Period to outside of quotation marks.
The welders goggles she wore were odd, but then most raiders seemed to have a sensitivity to light.
I think that this is normally "welding goggles."
“Good…” she stammered, “Good… good…”
There should only be one space after the first quotation.
Funny, but It seemed harder to bring up than it had been to choke down,
"It" shouldn't be capitalized.
I turned, my mouth still dripping bile and chucks of cardiac muscle.
"chunks"
The bodies of four more raiders were piled there. She stared in shock
Three spaces after the period.
she’d just like to note… this is not typical heroic behavior.”
There should only be one space after this ellipsis.
the four raiders she’d taken had been armed only with simple melee implements. Hopefully that meant
Three spaces after the period.
for bringing my favorite buck back to me. He’s always been
Three spaces after the period.
“You don’t get it. I can do anything. Nopony will ever hurt me again.” she said with certainty.
Quotation should end with comma, not period.
I entered S.A.T.S.: Horn, head, horn, head.
The "horn" after the colon shouldn't be capitalized.
If pain was the norm, it wouldn’t be hidden and shameful.
I think this should be in the subjunctive, "if pain were the norm."
moving much more slowly and tenderly than before. He nodded,
Three spaces after the period.
too hurt and crazy. I saw her offing her mom
they’ll be with us. Then we’ll take
Only one space after the periods.
Then the mines I’d tossed started beeping. She screamed
despite the two rounds I put in her chest. She ducked and whirled,
Three spaces after the periods.
“You…. Saved… me…Black…”
Space needed before "Black," and the first ellipsis should probably have only three dots, and "saved" shouldn't be capitalized.
I sighed as I felt the turpentine evaporating on my butt, feeling a niggling sensation.
Two uses of "to feel" in the same sentence feels off. Maybe something along the lines of "I sighed as the turpentine evaporated off my butt, feeling a niggling sensation."?
What if Lighthooves wants the disease to create unconditional loyalty?” It would explain why he would want to accelerate the infection rate and find a strain that would work on pegasi.”
Only one of these closing quotation marks should be here. I suspect the latter, based on Glory's reaction.
Mom… suddenly, all the happy feelings started to slide away
There should only be one space after this ellipsis, or "suddenly" should be capitalized.
The males were free...well, sort of.
There should be a space after this ellipsis.
and he nodded. That was the best
Only one space after the period.
I would never again stray from my two century old delicacies. Then his voice dropped
Three spaces after the period.
the brass casings I hauled around, and dozens of associated crap I hoped to turn into bottle caps in the future.
"Associated crap" isn't really quantifiable in itself; this should be "and associated crap" or "and dozens of pieces of associated crap."
“I can tell you where it’s been… every ministry hub in Canterlot, Stable-Tec HQ in Fillydelphia, someplace called Maripony, Tenpony Tower and the M.o.M. hub in Manehattan, Helpinghoof Clinic,
Was it called "Tenpony Tower" before the fall? Even if it were, wouldn't it specify the MAS hub?
Even Glory was forced to spend more time with me than with ponies she wanted to heal;
I feel like there should be a "the" before "ponies she wanted to heal."
I’ll fix Stable 99 without having to set hoof out in that... that great... open.... hrrrugh!”
There should only be three dots in the last ellipsis.
I found myself reading Rivets’ book; ‘Duck and Cover: an Equestrian Patriot’s Guide to Survival.’
"Rivets's," the semicolon should be a comma or a colon, and the period should be outside the quotation marks.
There were diagrams of zebra factories, towns, water works and bases; all with notes of what to sabotage or blow up.
I'd suggest semicolon to comma.
‘Request for Blackjack and company to depart the stable.’
Possible period to outside of quotation marks, if it wasn't written as part of the message.
It was a destination in the direction of ‘away from 99.’
Period to outside of quotation marks.
Even after weeks, the room still smelled like her: a curious mix of powder, gun oil and lavender soap.
Serial comma after "oil."
‘My Lucky Girl.’
‘Property of Tarot.’
Period to outside of quotation marks unless part of the note.
That way, when the systems fucked in the ass, everypony will know who to blame!”
"System's"
a lot like her mom. Not beautiful or pretty,
Only one space after the period.
She gave me a friendly grin back; the first I’d received in days.
Semicolon to comma. If you want to preserve the impact of the clarification, a period probably serves better.
Sending a body through is no big deal but dozens?
Comma after "deal."
There’ a place called Megamart that’s got tons of stuff the stable needs, and Rivets will need a maintenance mare to get it.
"There's"
Suddenly, there was a purple flash behind me, and I heard the Goddess’ voice as clear as day.
"Goddess's"
Sigh. Yes, I know, but we've already been over this.Icy Shake wrote:Yeah, it's been a little while since they met, but I'm not sure it was long enough to go from a buzz cut to having bangs.
…I can't think of any better way to say this, though, I'm afraid.Icy Shake wrote:I don't really know what this means. I am, of course, familiar with the idiom "hang in there," but I don't think I've ever heard it without the "there."
I'm afraid that I don't know. It's probably a result of having team components from both sides of the pond. You've seen the apostrophe difficulties we sometimes have…Icy Shake wrote:Now, this is something that is largely a matter of location. Generally speaking, in American English groups, companies, etc. are treated as single entities, e.g. "McDonald's is the foremost fast food company in the country," where the British (and possibly others) tend to treat such groups as the collection of multiple individuals (McDonald's are the . . . ). At different points, you use each with respect to the Enclave, and possibly other groups as well. Do you have a preference between the two?
Have I plugged Asylum to you yet? Because it's sort of a whole story like that, though about Twilight instead of Blackjack.SilentCarto wrote:Yeah… on one hoof, you want BJ to be right that she's a hero, not a lunatic. On the other, it would be really nice to think that all this horror exists only in the head of one severely disturbed pony.
O. Hinds- Zebra Engineer
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Formis_Fluttergod Sun Sep 15, 2013 8:29 am
Well I had a source on DeviantART, one guy was uploading numerous ponyfics in well-formatted pdfs and regularly updated, but went "dead" ever since chapter 49.Icy Shake wrote:@Formis_Fluttergod: Well, good luck with that. I personally don't know how necessary it is, given this thread and Equestria Daily as primary sources for the announcement, plus probably 4chan, TVTropes, and FimFiction groups (and likely more) as secondary sources, but it couldn't hurt...
Very well then, looking forward to that.O. Hinds wrote:Not until PH is finished, sorry.Formis_Fluttergod wrote:So, just to barge in without knocking, is there any chance of Project Horizons getting uploaded to FiMFiction?
It would be much earier to keep track of chapter updates and more accessible, up-to-date downloads (at the very least).
Yeah, I tried that one, the formatting didn't look ideally on my ebook, but I'm switching from epub to html because of FiMFiction screwing up their epub formatting, so I might try it again.O. Hinds wrote:http://nallar.me/ficsFormis_Fluttergod wrote:Also, I don't read on FiMFiction either, usually, I use it to keep track of stories (even though they kinda messed up the interface lately) and download the fanfics from there to ebook. I know I can download the chapters from gdocs, but downloading individual chapters can get kinda messy after a while and the epub/pdf versions there are usually out-of-date (not trying to be mean or anything, just plainly saying how it is).
It's not perfect, but it's a single download and automatically updated.
Nah, that's not what I meant. The story still has to be uploaded manually, but the downloads automatically generate with the chapters uploaded to FiMFiction.O. Hinds wrote:Really, the FIMFiction system can take live updates from Gdocs? I've never heard that before. Even so, we'd probably still have to inspect for formatting.Formis_Fluttergod wrote:On FiMFiction the downloads don't have to be maintained separately from the story as they're automatically put together from the chapters you put in.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Sun Sep 15, 2013 5:44 pm
Oh. I'm sorry I forgot; I'll try to remember in the future.O. Hinds wrote:Sigh. Yes, I know, but we've already been over this.Icy Shake wrote:Yeah, it's been a little while since they met, but I'm not sure it was long enough to go from a buzz cut to having bangs.
Anyway, it seems like I've been on quite a PH kick this weekend: I just finished rereading twenty three. And you know how from time to time I say that the scenes bookending the trip to the dragon cave are some of my favorites in the story? I may need to adjust that a bit, because this entire chapter leading up to it fit that. Sure, the parts right at the end were the most acutely affecting, but the rest was up there, too. And the entire chapter just works wonderfully as the slog to Star Point, showing each little bit of joy fading to meaninglessness and defeat, showing how even all Blackjack has can't just take away the pain, making life bearable or giving her something to live for—and it doesn't help knowing how much this in particular will hurt later on. Even the memories tie in: those from Unity reminding Blackjack that for all the pain and death and hopelessness she sees, there's a whole Wasteland and hundreds of years more that she never experienced, and the Doof orb being a reminder of how even when (almost) no one wanted anything bad to happen, a bunch of little events can come together to bring about the worst—much like what had just happened with 99—so she'd just see it happen over and over again. The Star Point recording, of course, serves both as a poignant contrast to her situation and the transition to one of the great turning points in Blackjack's life—all while serving as developing her background.
Again, this is a hard chapter to get through. Beautiful as it is—and make no mistake, it is most certainly that—walking in Blackjack's shoes at this time hurts, and makes you wish, along with her, that you could just stop feeling everything that's tearing her apart.
Also, I now rather wish I could read whatever obituary DJ P0n3 might have given for Security, upon seeing her pull the trigger and die, completing suicide alone on that cliff by the ocean in a world where the safety was off or the Stars didn't respond to her prayer.
- Chapter Twenty Three Running Thoughts:
- So, we'll be getting to Star Point. I'm looking forward to the ride.
Blackack is, naturally, still suicidal but the really important touch is the feeling that she doesn't deserve Glory.
I like the use of the memories here, as getting several out of the way at the same time speeds up our knowledge progression of the past, as well as serving as a viceral introduction to the flow of Unity. Which was a good way to smooth our way into the discussion within Unity, the Goddess, and the beginning of Lacunae's task in Hoofington. Also, the first mention of the Black Book.
I know that some ponies might say it was Rivets’ fault. They’d be wrong. If I’d been stronger… better… I would have forced them to march every corpse outside and purge the recycling systems.
No, I don't think we would be wrong. You had no particular reason to believe, based on her past actions, that is was necessary to oversee all this yourself. And even doing that, you would have needed to then burn the corpses or some such to prevent the stable from going back out to get them again.
“If you ever pull a stunt like that again…”
A stunt? I… “What are you talking about, Glory?” I asked warily.
“Lacunae filled us in while you were out. How you… how you had to do what you did in the stable.” She sighed softly as she wrapped her hooves around me, resting her head on my chest. “I’m so sorry, Blackjack. For a while there I thought… I thought that you’d tried to… to do something. Something horrible.”
It's . . . sad . . . that Glory so misses the mark here. P-21, of course, knows the score, and I'm pretty sure Rampage as well, but I guess out of a misplaced application of empathy don't want to break the facade. Damaging and unhealthy, but I think I can understand the motivation.
Once I’d pulled myself together enough to get to my hooves under me, I walked like my body was made of thin glass.
I really like this simile.
“Hey,” I said as I sat beside him. He shied away. I guess I couldn’t blame him.
“Hey…” he murmured as he closed his eyes. “So. There was a plan?” he asked softly.
I looked over at the inscrutable features of Lacunae gazing out at the rainy night. “Yeah.
Something like that.” I couldn’t tell if he believed me or not. I couldn’t tell if he cared or not. He seemed empty and brittle, like one good shove or wrong word would snap him for good, and I’d lose another friend. I didn’t deserve to have him, either; I didn’t deserve any of them.
This is laying the groundwork for P-21's suicide attempt very convincingly, if subtly, which is impressive given it wasn't planned at this point. Also, I think this may be a key scene showing the destructive side of relying on Blackjack as a source of meaning or symbol of doing better in the Wasteland.
He seemed empty and brittle, like one good shove or wrong word would snap him for good, and I’d lose another friend. I didn’t deserve to have him, either; I didn’t deserve any of them.
The sense of inadequacy and detatchment growing to include all her friends is touch to handle.
I had to fake it, had to pretend like it didn’t affect me. I wanted to sob right there. Instead, I grimaced.
And covering, hiding.
Which, I gathered, was part of the point of Rampage asking. The striped pony grabbed Scotch’s PipBuck and started to tug. “Come on… it’s gotta come off somehow…” she said, and the young mare fought for her life, swatting her armor in futility. “I know… I can chew it off!”
“Ack! Get me out of here! Everypony outside is crazy!” she wailed as Rampage started to slobber over the screen.
It's hard not to like Rampage, most of the time.
“Okay. How are we going to do this? The easy way or the hard way?”
Stands out more than it normally would because I watched the Booty Warrior segment yesterday.
I sunk to my haunches, laughing, hugging the hot metal tube to my chest. Missile launchers. Loud, noisy, smelly, and fun!
But as I sat there, the smoke hazing the air, I felt like I was looking out of the Overmare’s window once more. My throbbing ears could hear the distant screams choked silent in gagging, gasping agony. I pressed my face to the warm green metal. Murderer. I felt the tears running down my cheeks. Foal killer. I grit my teeth, hovering somewhere between tears and laughter. I could smell the chlorine. I could hear the screams.
Quick, but a good transition from the happy, upbeat, fun thrill of the battle (one of the things I like about Blackjack is, of course that she enjoys what she does, when it doesn't involve killing people whom she doesn't want to) to the overarching despair of the chapter.
Out came the rifle and I peered down the scope, not even registering who or what I was shooting at.
Red, it’s dead. S.A.T.S., three shots to the head. Engage… Boom… boom… Then I was being knocked do the ground by P-21. I just looked up at him as he shouted down, “Blackjack! What do you think you’re doing?”
The return of "red it's dead" is a truly chilling one, showing her depression undoing the personal growth she'd experienced in the weeks Outside.
I’d tried so hard to be strong. And I was trying to keep it together. I was. I was trying to be happy. I was trying to live for them.
There's the hurt of seeing Blackjack trying to go on for the others after she no longer cares for herself, but Glory's (attempted) denial is painful to see, too, though a frequent feature repurposed, not really new.
“And me?” Scotch Tape asked. I’d saved her life and killed everypony she knew. And now she was travelling with her killers. She was a good pony, for now. I didn’t imagine her mother beat her and tormented her.
“Well, fortunately, there’s always a job opening slaughtering wannabe Reapers while picking fights with the Steel Rangers across the river. It’s a living,” Rampage said quietly.
Was this set up for the alternate course of having PH continue with Scotch at the protagonist post–thirty three?
Doof still had all the charm of a cinderblock. He turned this way and smiled. That way and grinned. It somehow managed to resemble a leer.
Ugh . . . This one. I'm probably not going to enjoy this. Not that anyone's supposed to.
. . .
Well, at least I know I can accurately make very easy predictions. Even before he came back, he was probably the bad guy towards whom I felt the greatest ambivalence. On the other hand, we get Brass, one of our few unadulturated moral monsters.
Ergh. It's tough to see so many little things come together in just the way to spark off the worst of results. But I guess that's Fallout: Equestria in microcosm.
‘Went for a walk. Might not be back. Meet you in Megamart if I am. Sorry. BJ.’
I think you hit the suicide note out of the park. Anything more would just have taken away from it.
Then I headed out the door. Feeling better than I had in ages, I started north.
Towards the sea.
- (Mostly) Chapter Twenty Three Editing:
- A memory… Just like a memory orb.
No capitalization of "just," or second space after ellipsis.
I wondered if this was Lacunae’s memory, or the Goddess, or somepony else?
Should the latter two be possessive?
‘Colonel Cupcake.’
Period to outside of quotation marks.
ponies with manticores and griffins and baby dragons. Baby dragons, Twilight!
Only one space after the period.
I’m fine.... Twilight,” he gasped.
Should be only three dots in ellipsis.
We slowly advanced, my host, two greens, and three blues, each one alike save for the color;
The use of "the" here seems odd to me; perhaps a posessive pronoun, like "her," might be a cleaner way?
The Goddess’ voice oozed in disdain.
"Goddess's"
I know that some ponies might say it was Rivets’ fault.
"Rivets's"
We’ve met some pegasi ghouls that were quite kind and sweet,” Glory pointed out.
"Pegasus ghouls"
I looked over at the inscrutable features of Lacunae gazing out at the rainy night. “Yeah.
Something like
After the "Yeah." there appear to be two spaces and a hard line break/manual carriage return, the latter of which shouldn't be there.
I was about to explode… it was all I could do to control my breathing.
Should only be one space after ellipsis, or "it" should be capitalized.
I could smell it in my mane. Feel it on
Only one space after period.
‘Lockout,’ one read.
Comma to outside of quotation marks.
She does not wish to include the pain I witness to her own burden.
I think that "include" pairs with "in," not "to," but could well be wrong there.
The screams...they hurt you, don’t they?
Space needed after ellipsis.
Of course, by the word ‘removal’, Taurus’ rifle was coming out, and I’d slammed home armor piercing rounds by ‘be’.
"Taurus's"
Lacunae’s minigun bullets simply dinged and sparked off it’s armored hide,
"Its"
because turrets were lightning up and more sentries were activating from their hidden nooks.
"Lighting up"?
what do folks make of these ‘Volunteer Corps?’
Question mark to outside of quotation marks.
raiders fired at us from the cover of a covered wagon. Out came the rifle and I peered down the scope,
Only one space after the period.
I want to use the Wasteland as my canvas and explore the myriad possibilities of pony evolution!”
There shouldn't be a closing quotation mark here.
I killed foals. I killed bucks who’d
Three spaces after the period.
The up came Stockyard, the Brahmin eating their meals unmolested by the mutated dragonlings.
The first word should be "then."
New Perk added: Weapon Handling- Either your horn’s
Quest Perk added: Star touched- The stars are
Symmetrical spacing about dashes.
22: Perk added: Intensive Training- Your recent experiences
Symmetrical spacing about dash.
Quest Perk added: The Power of Friendship: When fighting
Second colon should be dash.
27: I slumped over as I saw something die inside the teal eyes behind Scotch’s goggles
Period needed at end of sentence.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Sep 15, 2013 6:42 pm
…Sorry, but I'm not really understanding you here.Formis_Fluttergod wrote:Nah, that's not what I meant. The story still has to be uploaded manually, but the downloads automatically generate with the chapters uploaded to FiMFiction.
Ah, thank you very much as always.Icy Shake wrote:
- (Mostly) Chapter Twenty Three Editing:
No capitalization of "just," or second space after ellipsis.
I wondered if this was Lacunae’s memory, or the Goddess, or somepony else?
Should the latter two be possessive?
‘Colonel Cupcake.’
Period to outside of quotation marks.
ponies with manticores and griffins and baby dragons. Baby dragons, Twilight!
Only one space after the period.
I’m fine.... Twilight,” he gasped.
Should be only three dots in ellipsis.
We slowly advanced, my host, two greens, and three blues, each one alike save for the color;
The use of "the" here seems odd to me; perhaps a posessive pronoun, like "her," might be a cleaner way?
The Goddess’ voice oozed in disdain.
"Goddess's"
I know that some ponies might say it was Rivets’ fault.
"Rivets's"
We’ve met some pegasi ghouls that were quite kind and sweet,” Glory pointed out.
"Pegasus ghouls"
I looked over at the inscrutable features of Lacunae gazing out at the rainy night. “Yeah.
Something like
After the "Yeah." there appear to be two spaces and a hard line break/manual carriage return, the latter of which shouldn't be there.
I was about to explode… it was all I could do to control my breathing.
Should only be one space after ellipsis, or "it" should be capitalized.
I could smell it in my mane. Feel it on
Only one space after period.
‘Lockout,’ one read.
Comma to outside of quotation marks.
She does not wish to include the pain I witness to her own burden.
I think that "include" pairs with "in," not "to," but could well be wrong there.
The screams...they hurt you, don’t they?
Space needed after ellipsis.
Of course, by the word ‘removal’, Taurus’ rifle was coming out, and I’d slammed home armor piercing rounds by ‘be’.
"Taurus's"
Lacunae’s minigun bullets simply dinged and sparked off it’s armored hide,
"Its"
because turrets were lightning up and more sentries were activating from their hidden nooks.
"Lighting up"?
what do folks make of these ‘Volunteer Corps?’
Question mark to outside of quotation marks.
raiders fired at us from the cover of a covered wagon. Out came the rifle and I peered down the scope,
Only one space after the period.
I want to use the Wasteland as my canvas and explore the myriad possibilities of pony evolution!”
There shouldn't be a closing quotation mark here.
I killed foals. I killed bucks who’d
Three spaces after the period.
The up came Stockyard, the Brahmin eating their meals unmolested by the mutated dragonlings.
The first word should be "then."
New Perk added: Weapon Handling- Either your horn’s
Quest Perk added: Star touched- The stars are
Symmetrical spacing about dashes.
22: Perk added: Intensive Training- Your recent experiences
Symmetrical spacing about dash.
Quest Perk added: The Power of Friendship: When fighting
Second colon should be dash.
27: I slumped over as I saw something die inside the teal eyes behind Scotch’s goggles
Period needed at end of sentence.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Derpmind Sun Sep 15, 2013 8:37 pm
If you look at a story's front page, next to the wordcount for each chapter is an icon that lets you download the chapter. (You can also download the entire story at once with the icons next to the 'complete' and 'incomplete' right below the chapter listing.) Formis is saying that the downloads are automatically generated for every story uploaded to FiMFic.O. Hinds wrote:…Sorry, but I'm not really understanding you here.Formis_Fluttergod wrote:Nah, that's not what I meant. The story still has to be uploaded manually, but the downloads automatically generate with the chapters uploaded to FiMFiction.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Sep 15, 2013 10:01 pm
Oh! Thanks, Derpmind. I think the problem may have been significantly different mindsets. I don't download stories to read them in that way, whereas I do have to deal with extensive editing.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Sun Sep 15, 2013 10:55 pm
Yeah, I kind of get where you're coming from. There are basically four reasons I have downloaded stories:O. Hinds wrote:Oh! Thanks, Derpmind. I think the problem may have been significantly different mindsets. I don't download stories to read them in that way, whereas I do have to deal with extensive editing.
- To have them available for a vacation when I wouldn't have internet access
- When they are on fanfiction.net, because the formatting and UI there are almost beyond awful (sadly, there is no fainting Rarity emoticon)
- When Device Herectic announced he would be taking his stories offline due to the trolling he was suffering, apparently including someone/some people working to keep him from getting a job
- To facilitate speed reading Murky Number Seven chapters twelve through twenty
Anyway, I did end up reading chapter twenty four today. And I'm glad I did. It was far more upbeat than the last two, but not with quite the same increasing-amplitude pendulum action that MN7 has going on.
As is often the case with the happier chapters, there's a lot of good humor going on, especially because Providence has seen fit to unite Blackjack with some liquor. Using her history of gelding guys to her advantage plays nicely with the tone of the chapter, and the Neighvarro squad is a lot of fun, even if it's mainly Twister since she gets the most screen time. Now, I get why the fight with Brass's manticores was there, but if they didn't show up again later in the chapter and serve an important role as deus ex machina, I'd unambiguously say that the role could have been filled entirely by the battle with the Thunderhead Enclave; even with that, I wonder if the two could have been merged.
On that note, the building with respect to the Enclave's structure and internal divisions was good, as was the second Star Point recording. The timing of my reread was fortuitous, given how relevant all this is to the current releases. However, that does highlight something that's a little off: Twister's accent is far, far more pronounced here than in recent chapters, when she might get an unusual contraction or word choice every now and again. Maybe that's by design, but I'm not sure, given that it seems like she probably returned to Neighvarro.
Oh, and because what I said in the last couple of chapters could make me come across as a fawning, mindless sycophant, let me add a couple more pieces of minor criticism beyond suggestions at or below the sentence level: I don't really think that chapters using in medias res fit that well with the general framing of the story as occurring linearly, with certain gaps where the viewpoint character is knocked out or some such (don't take this as applying to "Lucidity," of course, where the unusual state of mind—which goes far beyond depression or suicidal drives—justifies the move, especially in conjunction with the maintenance of the mystery of the chapter), especially when (as was the case in chapter twenty) the time jumps back and forth repeatedly for a while, but then moves back to linear progression while still fairly early in the chapter (yet for all that it clashes with the normal progression, the effect of having the culmination of Star Point looming over the rest of chapter twenty four was at the very least useful in setting the tone, so . . . I don't know, maybe there is no perfect way to balance the general structure with local benefits while making no sacrifices); and part of the reason I feel ambiguous about Deus, especially before his recent return, is because it seems like he is somewhat inconsistently characterized, sometimes almost a tool to be aimed by others, sometimes acting as his own agent. I know that the special circumstances surrounding his key event are, well, special, and as I said, a lot of unfortunate things came together all at once to enable it, but there it is. Granted, it's likely that that's intentional, especially considering the highly limited form of the narrator, and the return seems to add a great deal of important information, so maybe it's all by design, but it still niggles at me a bit. (Well, moving up from sycophant to preemptive apologist is something, right?
I swear I didn't mean for it to go this way!) Otherwise, we get our first introduction to Psychoshy, who steals the show on her entrance as would retroactively be expected, and the tension regarding the reunion with the rest of the party (ex-Rampage) continues to grow.
- Chapter Twenty Four Running Thoughts:
- “It's the horrifying story of the messy inconsiderate ghost, who irritated everypony within a hundred miles! OoooooOOOwwwwOOOoo...”
Passive-aggressive, silly Rarity is a weird way to start a chapter following the end of the last one, but I'll take it. Could use some levity about now.
“Take that armor off. Go back to Chapel. Let everypony know you’re done with wandering the Wasteland and helping out Hoofington. Why don’t you do that? Seems a bit saner than killing yourself.”
The thought hadn’t entered my mind, and I sat down hard. Why hadn’t I thought of that? Just give up the job without giving up life? But the thought of what my friends would say… what DJ Pon3 or Priest or Bottlecap would think...
So, while that's a good point, I'm not sure that this is really the right reaction. Blackjack's fundamental problem wasn't just continuing to be Security, but having to live with what she already did, and she's already expressed feeling caught in a catch-22 where if she does anything to help, she'll need to kill and hate herself for it, but if she does nothing, then she'll feel responsible for the consequences as well. I think I have to mark this particular reaction down to her being a not-smart pony and letting it slide as such, but that's not the sort of thing I like doing all too often. I guess what I'm saying is, what would Glory say, and would it matter as much as hearing Midnight call you a murderer in every quiet moment?
I couldn’t believe that. There was no way one pony, or even one pony and a dragon, could build something like this or keep it secret. The materials and technology… Then I looked at him again. “The O.I.A. did this, didn’t they?”
Okay. That was funny.
“He almost died creating them? But… I thought he was against the ministries?”
He sighed and shook his head. “I know. I know. With one breath, he told us not to do it, but then he put every effort into making the ministries a success. That’s the kind of pony he was. For a time there, I really hated him.”
If it were Littlepip hearing this, she would be loudly thinking about "twisted loyalty," I think. And perhaps there would be some truth to that, but it seems pretty purely so to me, to offer the best advice he can, and go against it in order to make the best of the agenda his Princess sets.
Oh, and the conversation with Rainbow Dash? In a way, it's awful, but at the same time it's impressive to see how he's pushing all the right buttons in just the way to get her to open up to him, just skirting on the edge of forcing her away entirely. Now, handled poorly that could go over really poorly to the audience, but I think that it was done such that it feels like the natural responses are coming from Rainbow, not like the character is being bent out of shape by the author.
“Well… ah… it’s kind of hard to describe her. She’s… kinda like you, actually.” That made my ears perk. “Minus the drinking…” he added. I snorted. If she couldn’t handle a little Wild Pegasus... “She struggles every day to make the Wasteland a better place, no matter what.” ...Okay, I could excuse sobriety for that.
Was this a little jab at how super serious Littlepip is all the time? Maybe I'm just projecting my own feelings on this, but that's something I've kind of felt for a long time: Littlepip is to Blackjack something like what Batman is to Nightwing—they do a lot of the same things, but the latter has stuff going on outside the job, and is generally much happier (except when Blackjack is in a depressive mood, but most analogies break down somewhere).
“In fact, why can’t you be the Element of Loyalty? I’m sure you’d make a great Rainbow Dash!”
He blinked and waved his hands at me. “Oh, no! There’s no way I’m going to try impersonating her again! It didn’t end well the first time and it won’t end well now,” he said firmly, but then chuckled. “But thanks for the thought.”
So, I think he may be a little too down on himself here. After all, the first time was far from a fair test: even if he was a problem contributing to their failure to work, each of the others was a far greater one.
Still…the rainbow halo the clouds gave the moon had been one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen.
Lunar halos really are beautiful. The first one I saw nearly, and may in fact have, brought me to tears.
“You’re coming with us. We got questions bout that dragon in thair.” I slowly rose to my hooves, laughing.
“Uh… why is she laughing?” the buck beside her asked. “Is she… drunk, Twister?”
This is usually a good sign. Drunk Blackjack tends to make fights more fun, and I remember this being a good one. Also, yes, yes she is drunk. And in a few second's you'll likely find yourselves wishing she were sober.
“Maybe if you’ve got six more waiting, I’d be worried,” I said as I racked a round into the chamber. “But right now, I got my gun, my beer, a fire in my belly and a grin on my face, and there’s not a mother fucking pony in the Wasteland who can stop me!”
This line. Just. This line. You could do a lot worse than this as a tag line for the story.
I slid in close, using him as cover from the leader, then jabbed the claw hard against his nethers. “You’ll be the third male I’ve gelded if you don’t shoot the flier with a missile right now!”
Yeah, it seems like this is kind of becoming a thing for her, doesn't it?
“Boomer, you idjit!” the leader shouted in rage, and there was a blast and her red beam struck my dragon claw squarely. In a flash, the weapon was reduced to sizzling chunks of bone.
I'll miss you, dragon claw.
In S.A.T.S. I targeted her head. Two rounds would probably do it. Be kind… Except… if I killed her, it would probably make even more trouble for Spike. They already had questions for him.
It's a funny idea of kindness, but at least she's decided on her priorities.
“Wait, you tried to take something from a dragon’s lair?” Even I wasn’t that stupid.
. . .
Since I was about as abnormal a mare as you could get, the first place I hit was the kitchen, where I was rewarded with not one but two boxes of Sugar Apple Bombs and some Fancy Buck Cakes. Cherry! And to complete the miracle of the Wasteland, there was a six-pack of Buckweiser in the fridge. I had to admit, I wasn’t precisely the greatest aficionado of fermented hops and barley, but after the last few days I honestly didn’t give a shit. I savored one bottle as I poked around further.
. . .
Yeah, it's different, but you still took things from a dragon's lair without asking.
But the point largely stands, and in a way is a nice, succint illustration of what are probably some of the problems in the Enclave chain of command, namely that someone, somewhere in there, thought that this was a good idea and ordered it carried out.
“No. Because I’m seeing red bars. Lots and lots of red bars,” I said with a swallow as I lifted the rifle and looked through the scope. Through the darkness and spitting rain I picked out a leonine form and stinger tail amid the stunted and dead trees. “Manticores.”
Why don't the Enclave have EFS?
Have really great make up sex with Glory…
“Fuck that!” I screamed in furious defiance as I smacked the manticore across its face with Vigilance while thrashing my way free of the corpse.
A show of hands for people surprised that that ended up being the motivation she needed? Anybody? Bueller?
“Tarnation, this ain’t fuckin’ fair!”
“They think they’re so special… like prancing artistoponies or some shit. Ain’t a pegasus outside Thunderhead that don’t hate them something fierce.”
Twister's accent seems to have become far less pronounced with time.
Wait. They do have E.F.S.? So why didn't Twister notice all the manitcores' red bars? Do they just run with it off outside combat or something?
“Leastways it does when the visor’s not all shot up,” she added, looking at me sharply.
Oh. Okay, I guess. S.A.T.S.? Though I guess we wouldn't see that directly, and they might not be as good with it as protagonists.
“I got you into the mess. If I had just shot you in the head, none of this would have happened,”
More interesting logic, courtesy of our heroine.
“I know, it sounds a little bit corny, but if the Wasteland was nothing but pain and suffering, eventually you’d get numb to it all. It has just enough good to be worth fighting for.”
Somber! Don't tell the secret behind the setting construction to the rubes!
And to really make you feel the horrible parts.
Damn it!
“Who is? Enclave? Zodiac? Usury? Killer zebra death commandos?” I asked as my eyes swept through the crowds.
From anyone else, this would sound paranoid.
“Hey Security! What’s soaking wet and clueless?” a mare called out above me.
Psychoshy?
Psychoshy!
- Chapter twenty four editing:
- I’d never seen so many maneframes.
The six walls of the chamber formed a hexagon
Missing a line break between paragraphs.
But...I thought you said that those were the Elements of Harmony?
The Ministry Mares were the bearers, once...but that was a long, long time ago.
Space needed after ellipses.
Like when he saw P-21 and I helping each other outside the stable.
"P-21 and me"
mysterious Projects to deal with...and the raiders, and the slavers, and the bandits, and the Remnant,
Space needed after ellipsis.
Not like Twilight Sparkle smart... but he knew things that I couldn’t imagine anypony knowing.
There should be only one space after this ellipsis.
but on thousands… perhaps millions… of lives.”
This paragraph shouldn't end with a closing quotation mark.
back towards the conference room. But I thought about
Three spaces after the period.
There were probably days worth of memories here, but, as much as I might have liked to go through all of them,
"days' worth"
But… she shouldn’t be hated!
There should only be one space after this ellipsis, or "she" should be capitalized.
and don’t get me wrong- they were my dearest friends, too.
Second hyphen for dash, and symmetrical spacing around it.
cloud ceiling to reach up and touch it...which, actually, was pretty much
Still…the rainbow halo the clouds gave the moon had been one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen.
Space needed after ellipses.
“Anyway, you should probably get going,” I said as I unslung Taurus’ rifle.
"Taurus's"
They think they’re so special… like prancing artistoponies or some shit.
There should only be one space after this ellipsis.
But Thunderhead had something none o’ the rest of us did: Shadowbolt Tower.”
Should only be one space after colon.
Dirt ponies don’t know nuthin…
Apostrophe for "nothin"?
I shouted as I pulled out Taurus’ rifle and hit S.A.T.S.
"Taurus's"
The whole pride (Or flock… whatever!) of manticores was fast on our heels.
Should "or" be capitalized here?
so beautiful they almost hurt. Like the sound of a church full of children
Only one space after the period.
“Of course, once ya get to my age everything turns out ta be a case of ‘old.’”
Period to outside of single quotation marks.
They shared a laugh. Then there was a shrill
“Oh no…” she murmured. “My stable pass is
not taking my eyes off the three mares. Two of them were earth ponies;
wondering if my leg or head were busted. That blow nearly took off my horn!
Only one space after the period.
I shouted as I curled up and sent three magic bullets right at Cuffs’ rump.
"Cuffs's"
I did not like that pop in my rear knee nor the pain that radiated from it, though.
I think that the American usage would tend to have this as "or," not "nor," or possibly retaining "nor" with a comma preceding.
New perk added: Terrifying presence- When you’ve got that shooty look going, you can make lesser enemies run in terror and balk greater opponents.
Second hyphen and symmetrical spacing for dash.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Sep 16, 2013 12:28 am
Ah, thank you very much as always.Icy Shake wrote:
- Chapter twenty four editing:
The six walls of the chamber formed a hexagon
Missing a line break between paragraphs.
But...I thought you said that those were the Elements of Harmony?
The Ministry Mares were the bearers, once...but that was a long, long time ago.
Space needed after ellipses.
Like when he saw P-21 and I helping each other outside the stable.
"P-21 and me"
mysterious Projects to deal with...and the raiders, and the slavers, and the bandits, and the Remnant,
Space needed after ellipsis.
Not like Twilight Sparkle smart... but he knew things that I couldn’t imagine anypony knowing.
There should be only one space after this ellipsis.
but on thousands… perhaps millions… of lives.”
This paragraph shouldn't end with a closing quotation mark.
back towards the conference room. But I thought about
Three spaces after the period.
There were probably days worth of memories here, but, as much as I might have liked to go through all of them,
"days' worth"
But… she shouldn’t be hated!
There should only be one space after this ellipsis, or "she" should be capitalized.
and don’t get me wrong- they were my dearest friends, too.
Second hyphen for dash, and symmetrical spacing around it.
cloud ceiling to reach up and touch it...which, actually, was pretty much
Still…the rainbow halo the clouds gave the moon had been one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen.
Space needed after ellipses.
“Anyway, you should probably get going,” I said as I unslung Taurus’ rifle.
"Taurus's"
They think they’re so special… like prancing artistoponies or some shit.
There should only be one space after this ellipsis.
But Thunderhead had something none o’ the rest of us did: Shadowbolt Tower.”
Should only be one space after colon.
Dirt ponies don’t know nuthin…
Apostrophe for "nothin"?
I shouted as I pulled out Taurus’ rifle and hit S.A.T.S.
"Taurus's"
The whole pride (Or flock… whatever!) of manticores was fast on our heels.
Should "or" be capitalized here?
so beautiful they almost hurt. Like the sound of a church full of children
Only one space after the period.
“Of course, once ya get to my age everything turns out ta be a case of ‘old.’”
Period to outside of single quotation marks.
They shared a laugh. Then there was a shrill
“Oh no…” she murmured. “My stable pass is
not taking my eyes off the three mares. Two of them were earth ponies;
wondering if my leg or head were busted. That blow nearly took off my horn!
Only one space after the period.
I shouted as I curled up and sent three magic bullets right at Cuffs’ rump.
"Cuffs's"
I did not like that pop in my rear knee nor the pain that radiated from it, though.
I think that the American usage would tend to have this as "or," not "nor," or possibly retaining "nor" with a comma preceding.
New perk added: Terrifying presence- When you’ve got that shooty look going, you can make lesser enemies run in terror and balk greater opponents.
Second hyphen and symmetrical spacing for dash.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Derpmind Mon Sep 16, 2013 1:10 am
I always find it odd how even though the mind is naturally flexible and weirdly capable, sometimes the biggest barriers to understanding something is the walls your mind has set for itself. Walls that are often just an invisible as the solution one is seeking. 'Mindset' = a mind that is set in its place. Yet another barrier between me and omniderpence.O. Hinds wrote:Oh! Thanks, Derpmind. I think the problem may have been significantly different mindsets. I don't download stories to read them in that way, whereas I do have to deal with extensive editing.
Pictures don't do Lunar halos justice. They're one of the most beautiful things you can see looking up. I saw one once when the moon was directly overhead, and it was so big it looked like the moon ate the sky.Icy Shake wrote:Still…the rainbow halo the clouds gave the moon had been one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen.
Lunar halos really are beautiful. The first one I saw nearly, and may in fact have, brought me to tears.
Thanks for doing three re-readings so quickly. It's always fun to re-visit an old chapter through someone else's view, and you're good at general analysis and picking up on all the foreshadowing infesting PH. (There are nests of the little buggers in there.)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Formis_Fluttergod Mon Sep 16, 2013 8:08 am
Well, I download stories for very simple reason, I prefer to read them wherever I want to and not always sitting in front of my computer/notebook. I used to do that at the start, because most ponyfics were relatively short, but with stories the likes of Fallout Equestria I prefer to read someplace comfortable, not to mention I can read even during travels (without having to worry about notebook's battery life).Icy Shake wrote:Yeah, I kind of get where you're coming from. There are basically four reasons I have downloaded stories:O. Hinds wrote:Oh! Thanks, Derpmind. I think the problem may have been significantly different mindsets. I don't download stories to read them in that way, whereas I do have to deal with extensive editing.
- To have them available for a vacation when I wouldn't have internet access
- When they are on fanfiction.net, because the formatting and UI there are almost beyond awful (sadly, there is no fainting Rarity emoticon)
- When Device Herectic announced he would be taking his stories offline due to the trolling he was suffering, apparently including someone/some people working to keep him from getting a job
- To facilitate speed reading Murky Number Seven chapters twelve through twenty
So aside from some rare cases I use FimFiction/FanFiction.net basically only to keep track of updates, what I've already read and of course for feedback if possible.
I'm afraid that's how our brain naturally works, Derp.Derpmind wrote:I always find it odd how even though the mind is naturally flexible and weirdly capable, sometimes the biggest barriers to understanding something is the walls your mind has set for itself. Walls that are often just an invisible as the solution one is seeking. 'Mindset' = a mind that is set in its place. Yet another barrier between me and omniderpence.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by FeatherDust Mon Sep 16, 2013 8:34 am
Well, because there is no Scotland in Equestria and thus no Scottish people to be thought of as universally cheap.Technowolf wrote:
Why not? The name Scotch Tape comes from... saying it was Scotch (20's slang for cheap)... Who's to say that something similar didn't happen in Equestria?
I'm not complaining about her name; most likely Equestria has scotch whiskey and butterscotch too, and they aren't issues, so this isn't either.
Note: I actually have no idea if the scotch in butterscotch ultimately derives from Scotland or not.
Last edited by FeatherDust on Mon Sep 16, 2013 12:36 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scienza Mon Sep 16, 2013 9:49 am
I've always preferred reading ponyfics in ebook/paper form. It allows me to be much more mobile and versatile with my reading. (curled up in a chair, on the bus, eating a bagel, sitting on the toilet at work to avoid paperwork, etc.) Sites are great for finding new works, getting feedback, and discussing with other readers, but the ebook form is a bit more immersive.Formis_Fluttergod wrote:Well, I download stories for very simple reason, I prefer to read them wherever I want to and not always sitting in front of my computer/notebook. I used to do that at the start, because most ponyfics were relatively short, but with stories the likes of Fallout Equestria I prefer to read someplace comfortable, not to mention I can read even during travels (without having to worry about notebook's battery life).Icy Shake wrote:Yeah, I kind of get where you're coming from. There are basically four reasons I have downloaded stories:O. Hinds wrote:Oh! Thanks, Derpmind. I think the problem may have been significantly different mindsets. I don't download stories to read them in that way, whereas I do have to deal with extensive editing.
- To have them available for a vacation when I wouldn't have internet access
- When they are on fanfiction.net, because the formatting and UI there are almost beyond awful (sadly, there is no fainting Rarity emoticon)
- When Device Herectic announced he would be taking his stories offline due to the trolling he was suffering, apparently including someone/some people working to keep him from getting a job
- To facilitate speed reading Murky Number Seven chapters twelve through twenty
So aside from some rare cases I use FimFiction/FanFiction.net basically only to keep track of updates, what I've already read and of course for feedback if possible.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by FeatherDust Mon Sep 16, 2013 12:32 pm
Oh geez...O. Hinds wrote:Have I plugged Asylum to you yet? Because it's sort of a whole story like that, though about Twilight instead of Blackjack.
Okay.
I tried to read Asylum, and I got up around chapter 8-ish, I think? I skimmed a few chapters past that, but they just confirmed my thoughts.
Basically, the story just goes on too long without resolving anything. Even if everyone else thinks Twi is crazy and delusional, there are enough hints to the contrary to suggest something else is going on*. But the story refuses to ever give a sense that the puzzle pieces are even real, much less coming together. That is fine for a while, but I quickly tire of it and want some real answers, or at least puzzle pieces I can trust.
That and I got frustrated that Twilight wouldn't use her knowledge to test whether her years of learning under Celestia really are false memories. Twilight knows a lot about advanced magical theory which is either factually correct it not. Even if she can't cast, she can test whether that memorized theory is accurate (indicating learning she could not have gotten during years in a hospital) or not (which supports the idea that she really had been delusional).
* my theory was that the new treatment that supposedly snapped Twilight out of her delusional state actually swapped delusional Twilight's mind with an entirely sane Twilight from an alternate dimension where that stuff really did happen.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Sep 16, 2013 2:09 pm
Eh, to each their own.FeatherDust wrote:Oh geez...O. Hinds wrote:Have I plugged Asylum to you yet? Because it's sort of a whole story like that, though about Twilight instead of Blackjack.
Okay.
I tried to read Asylum, and I got up around chapter 8-ish, I think? I skimmed a few chapters past that, but they just confirmed my thoughts.
Basically, the story just goes on too long without resolving anything. Even if everyone else thinks Twi is crazy and delusional, there are enough hints to the contrary to suggest something else is going on*. But the story refuses to ever give a sense that the puzzle pieces are even real, much less coming together. That is fine for a while, but I quickly tire of it and want some real answers, or at least puzzle pieces I can trust.
That and I got frustrated that Twilight wouldn't use her knowledge to test whether her years of learning under Celestia really are false memories. Twilight knows a lot about advanced magical theory which is either factually correct it not. Even if she can't cast, she can test whether that memorized theory is accurate (indicating learning she could not have gotten during years in a hospital) or not (which supports the idea that she really had been delusional).
* my theory was that the new treatment that supposedly snapped Twilight out of her delusional state actually swapped delusional Twilight's mind with an entirely sane Twilight from an alternate dimension where that stuff really did happen.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Mon Sep 16, 2013 8:31 pm
I'm glad you're enjoying them. And you're right; at this point, I think that you really have to go through the story at least twice to get the full experience, because you miss so much in the early chapters because you haven't read the context yet.Derpmind wrote:Pictures don't do Lunar halos justice. They're one of the most beautiful things you can see looking up. I saw one once when the moon was directly overhead, and it was so big it looked like the moon ate the sky.Icy Shake wrote:Still…the rainbow halo the clouds gave the moon had been one of the most beautiful things I'd ever seen.
Lunar halos really are beautiful. The first one I saw nearly, and may in fact have, brought me to tears.
Thanks for doing three re-readings so quickly. It's always fun to re-visit an old chapter through someone else's view, and you're good at general analysis and picking up on all the foreshadowing infesting PH. (There are nests of the little buggers in there.)
Blackjack has asked for scotch, so yes, it exists.FeatherDust wrote:Well, because there is no Scotland in Equestria and thus no Scottish people to be thought of as universally cheap.Technowolf wrote:
Why not? The name Scotch Tape comes from... saying it was Scotch (20's slang for cheap)... Who's to say that something similar didn't happen in Equestria?
I'm not complaining about her name; most likely Equestria has scotch whiskey and butterscotch too, and they aren't issues, so this isn't either.
Note: I actually have no idea if the scotch in butterscotch ultimately derives from Scotland or not.
If I remember correctly, it was at Miramare. Checking, I was wrong on the details: two Enclave, and they were only supposed to beat the tar out of her unless she tried something (Lighthooves knew she would); she takes out one with TK bullets, gets other to give her keys. It's only then that she downs a medicine cabinet and wakes up later covered in blood and with meat in her mouth.swicked wrote:This pony certainly knows the score... to kill her, you'd need a heck of a lot more.“Don’t kill them, Blackjack,” the General snapped, making all three of them pause.
Didn't lighthooves leave two mares to execute her? It has been so long, the events are a blur...
Her mind-bullets can punch through an armored head... almost the instead EFS turns them red.
So clearly the guards are a formality since she knows they're no threat in reality :P
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 21 Glad3](https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/57571524/zecora_reactions/glad3.jpg)
Reminds me of one of the better added lines from Watchmen: "What none of you understand is that I'm not locked in here with you, you're locked in here with me!"
Well, that's something of an open discussion, but doesn't have any bearing on this: caviar is eggs, not meat.swicked wrote:...ponies ate meat back then, you say? I'm not sure I find that okay.How do they eat all that caviar?
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 21 Tell1](https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/57571524/zecora_reactions/tell1.jpg)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by ARoundCorner Mon Sep 16, 2013 10:23 pm
Swicked, you've been doing reviews for a while, and I'm not sure if this has already been asked.
Do you make the images for every review? Always so many pretty pictures.
Do you make the images for every review? Always so many pretty pictures.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Sep 16, 2013 11:17 pm
Yay, a swicked review! At first I was singling out particularly good bits, but then I realized that I was basically just pasting the review.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by FeatherDust Tue Sep 17, 2013 12:13 pm
Didn't eggs make an appearance in the cupcakes song in Call of the Cutie?swicked wrote:I dunno. I've honestly always been of the opinion that old ponies didn't even eat unfertilized embryos. They just didn't eat eggs. They used substitutes when baking and such.
Anyway I don't see any issue with eating eggs as specifically worse than drinking milk, which they clearly do.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Tue Sep 17, 2013 3:40 pm
Well, Fluttershy has to feed her carnivorous creatures something, and I've seen many fics use fish as the "just as dumb as on Earth so okay to kill and eat" animals.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Tue Sep 17, 2013 7:28 pm
They aren't mentioned or shown in "Baking Cupcakes," but they are used in "Spike at Your Service," about six minutes in.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Tue Sep 17, 2013 11:34 pm
For the record, I download stories a lot too, so I can send them to my Kindle and read them at work. By which, of course, I mean during breaks and lunch and such.O. Hinds wrote:Oh! Thanks, Derpmind. I think the problem may have been significantly different mindsets. I don't download stories to read them in that way, whereas I do have to deal with extensive editing.
Because I would never read pony fics while I was on the clock just because I got bored and frustrated with programming.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Wed Sep 18, 2013 12:31 am
It's the Congo's Loch Ness Monster, which is described as similar to a brontosaur.swicked wrote:Mokele? I do not know this name. What is this creature they would claim?
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mokele-mbembe
Well, a whole lot of the "coincidental" activity is really the result of Pip and BJ blundering around and stirring up shit that's lain dormant for centuries. And a lot of "coincidences" weren't really utterly coincidental after all -- it's different branches of causation that stem from the same event. Like how Littlepip's plan to nuke the Goddess results in the Enclave stomping on the Cathedral. They seem totally unrelated on first glance, but the Enclave wouldn't even be involved if Pip hadn't tripped the MAw hub alarm and so on.swicked wrote:It certainly seems like they happen a lot. You know, in-between the team being shot.
If I was a lore-sage like Carto, I wonder how long such a tangent could go...
I don't even think it's coincidental that the Enclave showed up right as Pip was arriving with the Book -- I'm sure that the Goddess invited them to come visit at that very time, with her alicorns giving her a good idea of when Pip would arrive. She probably intended to take the book, dip Pip, then greet the Enclave from a position of unchallenged strength. But then Pip had to go and stall her until Xenith got the bomb set...
Right. That doesn't happen until Cauterize is officially underway, which begins on the second morning after the bomb. (The Enclave interrupted Homage after she said "good morning" and noted that the bomb went off slightly over 40 hours ago. Since the bomb went off roughly at sunset, that would put the radio interruption at about 10 am.) Since Homage was still asking for info at that point, and presumably glued to the cameras, we know Pip's rescue must have happened after the transmission. They slept at Stable 29 and Steelhooves' funeral happened the next day, along with the destruction of Canterlot. Pip listened to the first Resistance Radio broadcast that evening whlie Ditzy worked on her radiation burst power -- now 72 hours post-bomb. The Battle of Friendship City began shortly thereafter.swicked wrote:...Friendship City hasn't happened yet, right?
Caviar is eggs, and ponies canonically eat eggs.swicked wrote:...ponies ate meat back then, you say? I'm not sure I find that okay.How do they eat all that caviar?
Now, you might want to question the method of obtaining caviar, but the food itself is not problematic.
Not there, but they did appear even earlier -- Applebuck Season, during the "baked bads" segment.FeatherDust wrote:Didn't eggs make an appearance in the cupcakes song in Call of the Cutie?
Pinkie: All righty, I’ll get the sugar and the eggs. Can you get me some chocolate chips?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Wed Sep 18, 2013 1:29 am
Argh, this thread wasn't showing up as updated in my inbox. Feh!
Nice review, swicked, extra impressive for the rhyming. :)
Nice review, swicked, extra impressive for the rhyming. :)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Valikdu Wed Sep 18, 2013 1:31 am
Shouldn't Psalm actually be alive (as herself) now? I mean, we haven't seen Lacunae's body get destroyed or anything, and Psalm's "fragments" would have probably stayed in it after the personality dissemination...Back when there were three still alive, she had Psalm, too
Well, if she hasn't offed herself after finding how her form is now a mockery of Luna. Or something.
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