Sister forum[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Sun Aug 31, 2014 2:15 am
We all suck sometimes, and I'm saddened to hear that you feel you are right now. Please remember that that doesn't mean you suck, though. At least, I think you don't.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Exodus Hero Sun Aug 31, 2014 7:16 am
Try skipping a few scenes ahead and then go back to it. Helps me in my writing.Somber wrote:Sorry. I just keep looking at this chapter and not knowing why I can't progress past page 12.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vinylshadow Sun Aug 31, 2014 1:45 pm
Write the climax then go back and work up to it
That's (amusingly) what I'm doing with some of my writing
That's (amusingly) what I'm doing with some of my writing
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Sun Aug 31, 2014 4:40 pm
figure out a Gemini spellVinylshadow wrote:Makes me wonder why Unicorns don't just figure out a Gemini spell and multiply their ammo in their off time
Gemini spell
“Mini!” screamed Gem, hovering in front of her sister. “Go ghosty! Do it!”
“I… can’t. I don’t think the spell works inside something,” she said softly. “I can’t feel my legs.”
This is the way I understand it too.Somber wrote:Singular possessive = 's EX: Boss's
Plural possessive not ending in s = 's Ex: Children's
Plural possessive ending in s = ' Ex: Ponies'
That's okay, I've been playing Professor Layton vs. Phoenix Wright all weekend, so I probably would have missed the Somber Sign if it had appeared.Somber wrote:Sorry. I just keep looking at this chapter and not knowing why I can't progress past page 12.
Anyway, you suck in the same way a firehose sucks (which is to say, the complete opposite thereof.)
Having writer's block sucks, yeah, but that doesn't reflect on you as a person.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Sun Aug 31, 2014 4:58 pm
@Silent
This might not be the place for it but how is that game? In your opinion is someone were just a fan of Phoenix Wright could they enjoy it?
This might not be the place for it but how is that game? In your opinion is someone were just a fan of Phoenix Wright could they enjoy it?
Guest- Guest
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Sun Aug 31, 2014 7:56 pm
I'll PM you.Last wrote:@Silent
This might not be the place for it but how is that game? In your opinion is someone were just a fan of Phoenix Wright could they enjoy it?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vergil Mon Sep 01, 2014 1:43 am
Mind including me in that conversation, silent? I have the same question!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by RoboRed Mon Sep 01, 2014 1:47 am
Samesies. Though I'm probably gonna go and buy it anyways because I like both Ace attorney and Professor Layton.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Derpmind Mon Sep 01, 2014 7:14 am
Somber wrote:Sorry. I just keep looking at this chapter and not knowing why I can't progress past page 12.
Break the mental loop. You don't need to know the exact root of the problem, you just need to do something that will get you past it. Even if that's taking a break. "Knowing why" doesn't automatically translate to a solution anyways.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vinylshadow Mon Sep 01, 2014 10:29 am
SilentCarto wrote:figure out a Gemini spellVinylshadow wrote:Makes me wonder why Unicorns don't just figure out a Gemini spell and multiply their ammo in their off time
Gemini spell
“Mini!” screamed Gem, hovering in front of her sister. “Go ghosty! Do it!”
“I… can’t. I don’t think the spell works inside something,” she said softly. “I can’t feel my legs.”
You just HAD to go there, didn't you?
Only part of PH where I cried
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by JadedPony Mon Sep 01, 2014 11:23 am
Somber wrote:Sorry. I just keep looking at this chapter and not knowing why I can't progress past page 12.
You are missing something. You have made a mistake, or left something out, it's in the back of your mind, you don't know that you have missed it, but you've missed it and your subconscious is saying F*** YOU, HIGHER BRAIN FUNCTIONS! I'M NOT LETTING YOU FINISH UNTIL YOU FIX THIS!!
The trick is figuring out what your ID wants you to talk about. Writing is sometimes a wrestling match with your subconscious and sometimes, you just have to let it win. Go out driving or walking and relax. Let your more primal writer talk to you in it's own time. By setting aside time to listen to yourself you open the venue of communication and expression.
It could be something to do with she who shall not be named and the soul crushing relationship bomb she dropped on the group. Something left unsaid or unresolved, it seemed to end too easily. Maybe your inner writer is like, "F*** no, somepony needs to smack a bitch!" or something. Figure out what the unresolved issue is and promise yourself you'll resolve it. Problem solved.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Mon Sep 01, 2014 1:15 pm
You're suggesting that the solution is to "think harder about the problem", which isn't usually useful. The best tactics are to do as Vinylshadow and Exodus suggested and skip that scene and come back when you have an idea of where it needs to go, go rest your brain on something completely unrelated, or back the truck up and delete a paragraph or five and go a different direction.JadedPony wrote:You are missing something. You have made a mistake, or left something out, it's in the back of your mind, you don't know that you have missed it, but you've missed it and your subconscious is saying F*** YOU, HIGHER BRAIN FUNCTIONS! I'M NOT LETTING YOU FINISH UNTIL YOU FIX THIS!!Somber wrote:Sorry. I just keep looking at this chapter and not knowing why I can't progress past page 12.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Shady Mon Sep 01, 2014 4:27 pm
Too bad you're on meds otherwise I would have suggested a few pints at the local watering hole.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by JadedPony Mon Sep 01, 2014 6:01 pm
SilentCarto wrote:You're suggesting that the solution is to "think harder about the problem", which isn't usually useful. The best tactics are to do as Vinylshadow and Exodus suggested and skip that scene and come back when you have an idea of where it needs to go, go rest your brain on something completely unrelated, or back the truck up and delete a paragraph or five and go a different direction.JadedPony wrote:You are missing something. You have made a mistake, or left something out, it's in the back of your mind, you don't know that you have missed it, but you've missed it and your subconscious is saying F*** YOU, HIGHER BRAIN FUNCTIONS! I'M NOT LETTING YOU FINISH UNTIL YOU FIX THIS!!Somber wrote:Sorry. I just keep looking at this chapter and not knowing why I can't progress past page 12.
Actually, if you had read the entire post, you would see that my suggestion was to not think about the problem at all, but to let your subconscious reveal itself to you by taking a drive or a walk, doing something relaxing and let it come to you in it's own time.
Pretty much the opposite of what you think it said, because you didn't read the whole post.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by JadedPony Mon Sep 01, 2014 6:06 pm
THOUGHT GRENADE!
Shady, I do hope you have an OC named Shady who has a weight issue which you can address throughout an ongoing story until you reach a point where you will be...
___ ____ ____ Shady.
Shady, I do hope you have an OC named Shady who has a weight issue which you can address throughout an ongoing story until you reach a point where you will be...
___ ____ ____ Shady.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vexd Mon Sep 01, 2014 8:35 pm
Also, before the next chapter comes out, lets all have a moment of silence for
Your heroic actions (stupid antics) will be forever remembered (mocked and easily forgotten) in the years to come (next 5 minutes or so)
- wait for it:
- that random yellow earth pony
Your heroic actions (stupid antics) will be forever remembered (mocked and easily forgotten) in the years to come (next 5 minutes or so)
- Fridge Horror:
- Kinda makes you wonder if he was still conscious and sentient during all that
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scienza Mon Sep 01, 2014 8:52 pm
You must have a heart of stone. I cry at least once every chapter.Vinylshadow wrote:
Only part of PH where I cried
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Tue Sep 02, 2014 1:38 am
I wouldn't say I do that much, but I at least tear up or get choked up fairly regularly, if only outright crying much more rarely. For example, once today during chapter fifty three. But then, that also happens elsewhere, for instance with last Friday's Girl Genius, on the fifth panel. (Incidentally, I wouldn't be surprised if these guys were pretty high up on O. Hind's list of favorite fictional monastic orders.)Scienza wrote:You must have a heart of stone. I cry at least once every chapter.Vinylshadow wrote:
Only part of PH where I cried
- Chapter Fifty Three Running Thoughts:
- Glory, her hide spattered and streaked with blood, stood in the doorway and bellowed with passion and assertiveness that would have done the original Rainbow Dash proud, “I am assuming control of these medical facilities!”
The few ponies standing around the battered ER just stared in speechless confusion at the sight of her backed by Lacunae and four power-armored pegasi.
Yeah, I don't think I'd argue either.
“Scotch Tape. Get on Blackjack’s PipBuck and contact Megamart. We’ll pay whatever they want from what we stripped off the Harbingers if they can get Bonesaw and every healing potion and chem they’ve got together within ten minutes. Then do the same for the Collegiate, and get them to send Triage.”
Down-to-business Glory is really something else entirely, isn't she? Getting to see that side from time to time is nice.
Glory had a nurse pour a pan full of Wild Pegasus and dumped the medical tools in. I envied the tools a tiny bit.
So, will Blackjack ever get to swim in Wild P?
“Blackjack… there’s this really freaky pony watching me right now.”
“Pale? Wide-brimmed hat? Cards?” I asked with a little smile. She nodded, glancing away again nervously. “Don’t mind him. He’s Dealer. Lives in my PipBuck. He’s a… friend.”
Well, for certain pretty loose values of "friend."
And there was the Dealer. Same hat. Same gaunt, sallow look with a dead-eyed stare as he flipped glowing cards between his hooves. “Turn it over…” I murmured.
Name: Smiling Jack. Race: Earth Pony. Profession: Occult Gambler. Hometown: Gallows Hill.
Player: Echo.
And it's finally basically confirmed. The fates of most of the Marauders have been covered by this point, with some leeway on the particulars of Twist and Jetstream still remaining. Technically, I guess, I'm not sure Blackjack knows Steelhooves is Applesnack, but of course the reader presumably does.
“Dog think pony has problem,” Rover said calmly as the old canine cupped his chin and narrowed his filmy eye. “Now what could it be… hmmm…” He sat on a large wooden crate he’d hauled in while Triage readied her surgical equipment.
“I broke my legs,” I muttered, flushing as I lay there on a table. Now that the injured were more or less taken care of, there was time to deal with stupid mares who tore their legs off trying to rip open tanks with their bare hooves.
Triage glanced at Rover and then at me. “I dunno,” the blue unicorn said, her lips twitching around her cigarette. “Sprained ankle?”
These guys are hilarious. And them having fun taking Blackjack down a peg is good for all of their characters, I think.
“Fortunately, we’ve got enough pieces of Sky Striker’s armor to do it.” She looked into the box and pursed her lips. “Too bad the wing guards were shredded.”
Not too bad for me. Anything that got me more than twenty feet off the ground was something I didn’t want.
Huh, even setting up that specific part already.
She glanced at Sweetie Belle, then frowned and looked down at the Stable-Tec display where Sweetie Belle was addressing a collection of ponies. Her eyes went from one to the other, mouth hanging open.
“I do love that look,” Horse said with a chuckle.
“Is that… is that a robot?” she asked.
“The latest and finest,” he chuckled. “Sweetie Bot, 2.0,” he said with a wave of his hoof, and the robot actually blushed and lowered her eyes. “She’s not for the show, though. She’s all for me.
Damn, what an asshole. And a creep.
“I once asked her to marry me, but she declined. So I made one that wouldn’t. Worked out for the best, I suppose.”
Eugh. Beats 99, I guess, or Doof. Congratulations on clearing bars laid on the ground.
“I’d be far more interested if Celestia poked her horn outside her school… but she has even less inclination to be around weapons like these.”
Well, consistent at least. Of course, if she'd been less of a shitty, irresponsible ruler, they may never have been made. That's probably part of why she doesn't like being there, though.
Why, I imagine whoever did arrange things must have been tickled pink when he was dispatched. Probably sent Applesnack a gift basket.” He chuckled and shook his head. “Such irony…” Was he talking about himself or Goldenblood... ugh... either way, I didn’t like it!
It could be someone else, too, but between them it's hard to say which would be more likely. Goldenblood seems unlikely to do anything to jeopardize the balance at the ministries, and his reaction to the news seemed genuine. Horse would have had more of a material interest in offing her, but might have had some little bit of aversion to doing so since she was an earth pony at the top. On which note, given his distaste for/resentment of/envy directed at pegasi and unicorns as a whole, what with his thing about using technology to make it so that they no longer had advantages over earth ponies, that just makes the whole thing with Sweetie Belle a bit more loathsome.
“What is it you want? You really want? What horrible, selfish, ignoble desire purrs inside your heart that drove you to release a magical talisman that makes all your other weapons, perhaps war itself, obsolete?”
Diamond stared into his powerful, charismatic brown eyes. “Magic,” she said in a near whisper. “I… I never was very good at it. All I could do was manipulate light… and when that didn’t lead to anything productive, I was… reassigned to lighting the lab. I want to… to make magic. Powerful magic. As powerful as the Princesses or Twilight Sparkle herself!”
There really are a decent number of ponies with magic-envy around here. Trixie, Horse, Blackjack, Flash . . .
“There’s a lot of ‘down’ in Hoofington. Even before the original city was razed, it had a rather stunning amount of drains, sewers, and access tunnels. It’s as if the city’s always been trying to draw its inhabitants to explore deeper and deeper into the earth.”
Okay, so that works on at least two different levels.
“Truth be told, I hate every last one of you.” He turned to looked at the passing stone walls again. “It’s jealousy, really. You get to do magic. We can’t. It’s your dream to do incredible magic. Well, it’s my dream to someday have technology so advanced that there won’t be a difference between unicorns and anypony else. We’ll all be equal.”
Okay, so I was wrong about him and pegasi. But seriously—"I hate every last one of you" and "I asked [Sweetie Belle] to marry me" don't go together unless it would have been a fucked-up relationship, even beyond the fact he's a megalomaniacal pig.
“Please. This was centuries before Equestria. We were being exploited for food by Unicornia and Pegasopolis,” he said with a roll of his eyes.
And he seems to think of "Equestria" as just earth ponies. Lovely.
“Starmetal. Sky Iron. Meteorite. Or rather, that’s what it appeared to almost everyone. What I discovered was that this metal isn’t simply an element or alloy. It has an peculiar atomic structure capable of manifesting particular macroscopic effects.” He smiled smugly. “And I realized that such a metal had more than simple natural origins. It was technology. Incomprehensible technology to everyone but a very select few. Technology that would allow us to not just end the war with pitiful ease but to also to utterly transform the world. Perhaps the universe.”
And the setup for the merely-alien technology explanation.
A few green lights along the lift’s hanging rails were the only source of steady illumination, struggling to light the massive space around us. The green glow was augmented by countless motes of ghostly white light circling in the middle of that great space. Along the periphery of the expanse were long, jagged blades of silver jutting hundreds of feet into the mile-wide cavern. Green crackling energy arcs flickered and danced along the edges like a distant lightning storm. A swarm of tiny humming dots swirled and flickered around the silver spires like a metallic mist.
Nice to have some wholesome scenery porn interrupt Horse and his lovely personality.
An odd, small yellow mare with strange pointed eyes and a black mane pulled into a bun trotted up and passed her a small plastic canister on a plastic thong.
Small? Check. Yellow? Check. Black hair? Check. Eyes? Check. Looks like you outdid Lotus and Aloe by quite a bit.
“Here. Take this,” she said in an odd accent. “It’s the only thing that we’ve found that counters the ambient energy.”
So it was common knowledge, at least within parts of the O.I.A., which could be how Snips knew about it for Hightower. If it wasn't already explained.
“And this is Amadi,” Toko said as she pointed to the final member, a large and shrouded form.
When indicated, he stepped forward and pulled back his hood, uncovering his long striped mane and lined features. He wasn’t just striped, however. His face was covered with intricate tattoos that seemed to emphasize his stripes. Strange glyphs were tattooed upon his hide in sweeping, elaborate tribal marks.
So either Goldenblood never told the people here or in the O.I.A. in general to never, ever trust a Starkatteri (especially there of all places) and how to identify one, or Horse is disobeying that order. And, of course, Goldenblood doesn't know he's there.
“Our goal is simple: unlimited electricity for the entire world.”
“An end to all wars,” Amadi said with a nod. “With this device, the resource struggle will end, and both pony and zebrakind will have peace.
Well, it seems to me that effectively the resource struggle was over, or largely over (though I suppose they could just be getting much of their power from coal mines in occupied territory), and even more so soon after (or at least would have been).
“Mechasprites. Something that never was converted for market use… but very useful in hazardous environments like this.”
Scary that they're there, and of course setting up for Blackjack's time there, and Cognitum's plans.
“You saw the Tokomare. Horse’s marvelous mechanical monstrosity.”
I sighed and looked at her, feeling the urge to be honest, and spat, “I think it’s more proof that virtually nothing that was made during the war was worth a damn. It’s like Dawn’s belief that all they need is one thing, just one, and everything will be perfect.
And, interestingly enough, it happens to be that same thing, or at least closely related.
But moreover, think of Equestria before pony’s war.”
Triage manipulated a probe in my opposite shoulder. “There were threats, certainly, but all they needed was for somepony --notably Twilight Sparkle and her friends, but others, too-- to do the one thing needed to fix everything.” She gave me a little smirk. “You’re not the only unicorn who’s studied memory orbs. Before the war, they’d just use the Elements of Harmony and make everything better.. Return a crystal heart to a pedestal and King Sombra is banished. Just do X, and Y is gone or fixed. Simple.”
Or complete a broken spell that didn't even seem to include anything about what it was trying to do, and become an alicorn! Or engage in preemptive unilateral disarmament and get the last MacGuffin you need, despite it not really fitting with the pattern of the others'! After giving all the alicorn magic to the one least able to use it, various other stupidity, and then, by the way, having her try to hide rather than seek out the enemy—the enemy who gets stronger with time!—quickly. Oh yeah, and all that only happened because you let Discord out, a move that would have made infinitely more sense from the reformation perspective before the season two opener! Basically, yes, the ponies were living on the basis of always being able to be saved from not only all their problems but also their mistakes and stupidity by simplistic writing.
Also, note the lack of mention of the changeling invasion.
I nodded, pulled out one of Glory’s cyberpony cakes, and began to eat. It definitely hit the spot with its appley-oily-metally goodness, but I still wanted to find a mirror. I wanted to see what Glory would see when she looked at me; did I still look like Blackjack, or was I something else?
And again, the focus on appearance is closely tied in with 1) Glory and 2) sex (that one was more earlier, though).
He picked one up and sniffed it, then took a bite. His eye popped wide as he chewed, then slowly swallowed. “Is full of gems!” He gobbled up the rest before I could blink.
Finally! Someone with good taste!
She should tell Glory. Also Dawn, but not really.
Okay. It wasn’t… as bad as I’d expected. I looked like I’d put on half a suit of (blue-black, not pure black) Enclave power armor and had neglected to put on the rest. Aside from my legs, there was a large shield-shaped piece of metal across my chest that connected to my shoulders. An articulated ridge of black metal followed my spine down to my tail. My sides were still bare; on one hoof, a tactical vulnerability, and on the other a wonderful reminder that I was at least partially flesh and blood. The ridge narrowed when it got to my mane and became two thinner strips, with my mane in the middle, running to just behind my ears.
It's quite a lot of changes, but not quite as simply all-encompassing as the alicorn-Blackjack, so it makes sense that it seems to me like this version tends to be the one with the most things missing in visual art. Granted, it's not like I could do better, since I can barely write clearly by hand, and I'm happy to take just about everything that's put out.
“Are you going to be okay?” I asked as I lifted her face with my hoof and looked into her eyes.
“I’m with you, Blackjack. There’s no safer place to be,” she murmured softly as she held me tight and then gave an arch little smile.
That's not even a little bit true.
“Another tank?” I asked with a snort. “Do you think I’ll ever have to do something like that again?”
Charity stopped at the door and looked back at me. “Given how your life goes, Blackjack, it’ll probably be three tanks. Flying ones.”
How many Raptors was she personally involved with fighting at Thunderhead, again?
>S, we’ve run interference with Image and Morale again. Please try to be a little more circumspect, if you can. The story is that the “material” for Stable 24 is for a satirical, ironic, postmodern performance piece. P&P are keeping PP occupied with infiltrators in Manehattan; hopefully, she won’t get a twitchy tail on you again. Give my love to AB. -E.
>P.S. Try and remember identification protocols, S. It’s that whole plausible deniability thing that keeps PP off our butts. Thanks.
Okay, Echo, probably, maybe Emerald, to Scootaloo, about Pound and Pumpkin and Pinkie Pie, shout-out to Applebloom.
>AB, hey Bloom. I was digging through some of the MWT’s Stable-Tec files and lookie what I found. Mind transfer to a computer? Sexy, Bloom. Really sexy. You’ve been holding out. I saw what you have cooking at 29, 33, and 94. Hope you don’t mind if I snag the designs, ROFL. This has got some real possibilities if we can reverse it. Play around a bit. -H.
>P.S. You should check out my Sweetie Bot.
Well, it does sound like this one wasn't on Goldy after all. Bringing that part over; soon we'll probably get the Eclipse/fake Crusader scene.
Horse and mind transfer? I frowned as I thought back to the Tokomare; an immense machine of terrifying potential, and Horse had his hooves on some sort of technology that could connect a mind into it? Why did that feel SO wrong on so many damned levels?
And a very astute observation from Blackjack, in fact one that may have jumped a step or two.
>H, I heard all about the “Crusader” you tried to make. Look forward to reading about your lobotomy when you fail to upload yourself into it. -AB
>P.S. SB hopes you get tetanus.
Good on both of them. Too bad he didn't.
> Your Majesty, what is Project Horizons?
“That’s what I’d like to know!” I shouted at the terminal, and then covered my face in my hooves. Dawn had given me a snippet, but she’d told me more about Cognitum than she had about the project that was always tantalizingly out of reach.
And you just keep teasing us. I wonder if that ever reached the point of "trolling your own readers." It'd probably depend on whom you ask.
There was a pause where I could only imagine a glower, then Trottenheimer suggested, “Maybe you should stop working with that starmetal. We still don’t know if it has toxic side effects or not. It definitely has some bad vibes coming off it.”
No fucking kidding. Hard to miss the feeling of lethargy and generally dying whenever energy is run through it.
Goldenblood didn’t answer for a moment, then he said in a hiss, “I meant ten thousand tonnes of moonstone. At optimal ratio.”
“Ten… ten thousand t…? Goldie… I don’t think there’d be anything left of Equestria with a reaction that big. Or the zebra lands for that matter,” Trottenheimer muttered in shock. “I… the planet would still be here. We’d probably keep the atmosphere and oceans too, but I doubt there’d be much for survivors beyond that! It’d be equivalent to a geologic event. Dust clouds for years afterwards. Worldwide forest fires. I can’t even imagine the arcane aftereffects of that much energy being released. It would be a weapon with no sane application. Besides, where would you get that much moonstone? Unless you’re planning on making a couple hundred trips to the moon, you’d never get that much together.”
“Of course. Of course. It was just… a thought,” Goldenblood muttered.
And, of course, we have a plan without a name, just after a name without a plan. And earlier there was the "firing" part, back at Goldenblood's cottage.
“And if they’re used and kill everyone?” Goldenblood asked in a harsh whisper.
Trottenheimer was silent for a moment and then said in a voice of resignation, “Well, it’s one way to end a war.”
The recording ended, and the two young ponies stared at me. “What the heck was that, Blackjack? I never heard that recording before,” Charity said as she gaped at the terminal.
Thanks, Echo!
I considered her coolly. “I’m not sure I can take that risk, Twist. Let me put them in a memory orb for you. You can hold onto it till after the battle. I won’t take it.” Please don’t notice that I was half metal or a mare or that my mane was the wrong color. “Please don’t make me bench you this battle for psych…”
“I told you I’m over what that bastard did to me! Peppermint and I…” she snapped, then grit her teeth as she stared into my eyes.
And there's a name for the "feral beast," presumably, to be confirmed later.
“I am so glad that you’re on my side,” I replied with a smile, making [p-21] scowl… and blush… as he muttered about me being an idiot.
Was he successfully hiding this from anyone? Anyone at all? Hell, it took all of minutes, it seemed, for Dawn to catch on. I guess it took Blackjack a long time to figure it out, but I think part of that was, like on his side, a defense mechanism since she was so sensitive to the fact that she had, well, raped him.
“Scotch is minding Boo. She tore the place apart while we were gone,” he said with an arch of his brow. “Lacunae’s with Glory.”
I sighed, trying to think of what to do. “I should have left some more cakes out for her.”
“We did. She wasn’t looking for cake. She was looking for you,” he said.
Boo is cute even offscreen, relayed second-hand.
Deus had crossed the ditch with ease, and now the massive tank began rolling up the road towards me. “Rampage, stop helping Triage win that bet,” I said as the road shook under my black hooves. Looking at those two cannons, I could only gulp and manage a weak smile. Then I spotted a black hat moving quickly and quietly along the ditch beside me, creeping as low as possible. That gave me a little confidence as the huge machine came to a stop twenty feet away. At least none of his weapons were pointed right at me. Okay. Time for diplomacy. “Hello, Doof.”
Probably doesn't hurt Rampage is right there with her, even if Deus knows she won't be killed by him trying something. Wouldn't exactly want to give that kind of show of ingratitude and betrayal right in front of her, after all.
“Rampage! Stop trying to win that bet!” I said, bucking her off and onto the road beside me. The tank let out a rumble, and a camera focused on the older filly. “Yeah, Deus. That’s Rampage.” I frowned, “Haven’t you ever seen her like this?”
Deus swung his turret back and forth again.
Oh. Well, maybe not. Well, he knows now, anyway.
“So… you’re not here to fight me again?” I asked. The turrets rose and fell once. “Yes, you are or yes you aren’t?” The tank let out another deep rumble as I raised my hooves defensively. “Okay. I’ll take that as a no!” The cameras focused on me, and I looked at my black armored limbs. I gave him a wan smile. “Yeah. Blackjack, new and improved. And a little less me.”
The engine let out a low growl. Rampage stepped forwards again, and I cringed inwardly as she said, “You’re being awfully quiet. Don’t you have a single ‘CUNT’ for me? Come on, that tank has to be wired with loudspeakers or something.” Deus let out a deeper growl of his engine and shook his turret. “No you aren’t, or no, you’ve suddenly embraced a whole new appreciation of femininity?”
Okay, that's about enough of that gag. Sorry, but it wasn't really funny the first time, the second didn't help, and I don't think it was great whenever it was Twilight did it on the show ("Over a Barrel"? With the "Did you say that she was a tree?" I think?), but at least it set up Fluttershy.
“So you’re not here to fight me… what are you here for?” I asked as I looked up at the vehicle. He didn’t growl his engine or shake his turret or anything. “Are you here to help me?” No answer. “Help Chapel?” Again, no answer. “Revenge on Dawn?” No answer. “Go back to the Reapers?”
Suddenly Rampage fell back laughing. She laughed so hard her hooves kicked into the air. “Rampage? What’s gotten into you?”
She laughed so hard she was crying. “Oh! Oh! It’s just too much!”
Now we're getting somewhere good!
Also, of course Blackjack doesn't see it; that would require self esteem in addition to her improving pattern recognition.
“Is it that you suddenly don’t have a clue what to do with your life and the only thing you can think of is to follow Blackjack in the hope that she’ll help you make some sense of the incredibly fucked up circumstances you now find yourself in?”
Deus rumbled his engines in an idle tone, and then gave a tiny rise and fall of his cannons.
We have a winner!
“Blackjack, have you looked around lately? What’s sane?” Rampage asked as she stopped laughing, smiling up at me. “I’m an immortal amalgamation of souls. You’re a cyberpony. Deus is a tank! One of your best friends is an alicorn and your lover looks like Rainbow Dash. The only friend you have even close to anything approaching normal is P-21.”
Nobody remembers Scotch. :'(
Boo's pretty weird, though, so not including her makes plenty of sense. And Blackjack might still be the only one who thinks she's a real pony, even if the others at least see she cares about Blackjack.
P-21 stepped out from behind Deus, tossing a detonator to me. “I’m just waiting with baited breath to turn into a ghoul,” he said flatly as he stepped beside me and looked up at the tank.
No doing that until after you've knocked Blackjack up!
“Stop. You’ve got four bombs glued to your chassis. I’m not nearly as mechanically smart as my little girl, but I am pretty sure that they’ll rip your engine right off.” The engine noise dropped substantially, and P-21 went on, “They’re also on timers, so even if you kill us, they’ll go off.” The engine rumbled again, and he pointed a blue hoof up at the tank. “Stop.” The engine slacked off. “I’m not like Blackjack. I don’t trust somepony who chased us all across the Wasteland to not swap back to being a complete monster. The only way I’ll tolerate you being anywhere around us is if we have a way to turn you into scrap if you decide to swap back to Dawn’s side or just kill us for the laughs. Got it?”
That's the kind of practical thinking I like to see from time to time. Couldn't happen on the show, of course. And less likely to come from Rampage, since she used to hang out with him and everything, and is sort of in the same place he is.
I tried to jump up beside him, but my legs were slower and heavier than I was used to. Instead, I scraped and flailed my way up the side of the tank, nearly falling off twice. I really missed my fingers! It seemed Shadowbolt augmentations didn’t understand the concept of ‘climb’.
Well, why would they? They're made to fly.
I reached the top, and one camera turned to look right up my hind end. Yup. Deus all right.
Kind of impressed, given he probably doesn't have a source of testosterone anymore. Maybe it's force of habit.
I trotted away, looking back over my shoulder at Rampage and the cameras all oriented on the filly. Deus was interested in Rampage?
Building that plot line, but here in particular still sort of on the red-herring Twist thread.
She looked right at me, but rather than charge, she crept over the sleeping filly and looked at me with her pale eyes. She looked… wary. Even scared as she shied left and right. “Hey hey hey… Boo. It’s all right. It’s me.”
But she didn’t look reassured. If anything, she seemed more worried, ears hanging and eyes downcast. What was the matter? Was she sick? Injured? Was there something wrong with her cloned body? No… nothing I could see. Then I looked into the worry in her eyes. It wasn’t her… it was me. But what had I done... no. I sighed and closed my eyes. Damn it…
“I haven’t been treating you very good since Hippocratic, have I, Boo?” I’d left her to go gallivanting across the Hoof, then come back only to leave her behind again.
You're turning her into Glory! Also, another parallel to Dawn.
“I’ll try not to leave you behind again, if I can help it. Okay?” It was a risk; I couldn’t see her surviving a place like Hightower... but leaving her behind just meant a different kind of hurt. “Just try not to let yourself get hurt. Okay?”
Kind of ironic she does a better job of that with Boo than Glory.
I couldn’t take another step forward; something refused to let me. If he were here… he’d open it. He’d need me. He’d use me.
And he was on the list.
Yeah, that's a pretty broken mind right there.
“Luna?” Garnet cackled. “Luna’s a corpse in Canterlot. Celestia too! All of Equestria is dead. Fuck Luna,” the red mare said as she slumped.
I think it must be the radiation talking. Not that she'd hold a different opinion otherwise, but come on, that's not the kind of thing you say to a very dangerous zealot.
“I was supposed to be a part of the new order. Richer than fucking Filthy himself.” She looked over at a brown stallion in the snow. “Fucker wouldn’t shut up about his kid. Can you believe that? We’re all fucking dying, and he wanted to run off to the far side of the country to get her.”
So why was she working, and working at a prison? Patriotic duty had expectations of even the heirs to great wealth? Well, everyone can't be Blueblood, I guess.
I ignored her request. “Where is the director?” I asked slowly. Keep calm, just like when shooting. I had to stay calm and centered. I had to…
“Who the fuck do you think is in there?” She glowered at me, pointing at the wall with a chipped ruby hoof. “He buttoned it up tight. He’s got everything in there. The whole facility to himself. Probably his fucking robot, too.”
Somehow I'm not sure Psalm meant that director. Though I bet both would be on the list.
“What? Do you want money?” She kicked open a suitcase, scooped up two great big hooffuls of bits and held them up to me. “I’ve got money… there was so much damn money we scammed off those aristocrat jackasses. Kingpin paid a mint to get in too. CEOs and other business leaders… fuckers all came here actually thinking they’d get in.” Her bloodshot eyes twitched as she grinned hopefully, then her grin sagged… along with her forelegs. Gold coins bounced and tinkled around her hooves. She rubbed her face with her hoof, muttering to herself. “I thought we’d get in…”
Ah, right at the end, I think she gets the irony.
“You’ll never be forgiven! I know who you killed.” I lifted one of the SMG’s at her cackling, bloody maw. She grinned her bloody smile, ready to eat a bullet. “Come on, finish me! Finish me you killing fuck!” she screamed as she threw her hooves wide. “You’ve killed fucking thousands one by one for your fucking Goddess! Kill me!”
But I didn’t. Instead my magic reached out and took the knife that’d been stuck in Onyx. Her grin disappeared as I flicked the blood off it and tucked it in my belt. Then I turned and stepped out into the snow. “You should have saved one of those bullets for yourself.”
Garnet hobbled to the entrance after me. “No. Come back here! Kill me, you cunt! You whore! Murderer! We killed everypony! Kill me!” She screamed after me. I never looked back as I heard her bloody choking sob, “Please… kill me too…
And that's why you don't pointlessly antagonize people who have the power of life and death over you.
Boo snuggled against me, snoozing as well. I smiled and nuzzled her mane; she smelled like cherry filling. Then I glanced up at Glory, watching me with an odd look on her face as she sat before me. My cheeks reddened, and I swallowed, looking aside. “I didn’t do anything...” I muttered.
Sometimes, Blackjack can be really sweet.
“I don’t want to be left out of your life, because then I’ll have nothing. But staying with you is hard. It’s not your fault. You just... have stuff happen to you. But it’s still hard. And it hurts.” She closed her eyes and lay against me. “Just don’t... don’t leave me out. Whatever happens, don’t leave me out or leave me behind. Please...”
Such an important request. And it was out there. But it's not an easy one, when it's in tension with what Blackjack does—and a big part of that is keeping the people she loves safe.
“Always loved that character. Once mesmerized a dozen zombie buffalo to perform ballet in tutus. Good game, that one.”
I see what you did there.
“An old zebra had a tent. Strange old guy. Had tattoos all over his face. His tent had bizarre, leering masks and creepy herbs and specimens in bottles. The kind of zebra that would have been snapped up by the M.o.M. had he been around a few years later. Maybe he was. Asked us if we wanted to know our fate.”
More Starkatteri. Hmm.
“We did. Partly out of pride and partly out of a wish to laugh at the zebra’s predictions. But then he got out this book. This... this horrible, black book. And suddenly it wasn’t so funny. He called on the stars to change our fates, and curse us if one was false to the others. There was a hum and... green spiraling things... things an earth pony can’t really explain.”
Well, there's that. And it seems like what happened, or very close, which along with the black book, Starkatteri fortune teller, and the fact that prophesy does seem like it may be a feature of FIM, point to it being at least possible that it's real.
A few months after that, Jetstream snaps. Then Vanity walks away. Twist takes the enemy as her lover.
Fuck that, Shujaa wasn't the enemy! Ass. Course, Applesnack would have said worse.
I thought of that moment out on Star Point. Before I’d found out about Gardens and taint and... everything. Had my fate been changed there? Had I been supposed to die with a bullet through my head beside Marigold’s bones? Cursed to become the thing I was now? It was a chilling thought.
Well . . . it's a possibility. But then, it could also be that, especially given her heritage, it was just the stars nudging her back onto the path of destiny she'd always tread.
“I can’t imagine they do. Every colt and filly wished on stars back when you could see them. I did,” he said softly, hanging his head a little. He looked so glum that I wished I could give him a hug.
Instead, I did the next best thing. “So... tell me more about the adventures of Smiling Jack.” A small smile curled in the corner of his mouth.
This got me tearing up a bit.
Part of it was that I didn’t know how, but another wondered what would happen if I did try and push that connection. Would I be sucked in forever? Could the Goddess control my body while I was in there? Was it even possible?
Aw hell... it wasn’t the first time I’d ever done something completely clueless and heedless of the risks...
But . . . it's a big, red button! What do you want me to do? Just . . . not push it!? How is that even an option?
I wasn’t a smart pony, but I wasn’t as stupid as I used to be. Memory spells shared memories, and the Goddess was like a massive memory orb filled with countless recollections and souls.
On which note, she never did look in the orb she just extracted from Rampage.
Slowly the world around me faded to black as I struggled deeper and deeper into that pool. Swimming was a pretty alien concept to me, so I settled with sinking. Sinking I could handle.
There was a bit around the Celestia, but not too much. And, well, won't really get a chance to try it again for a while, what with having hundreds of extra pounds of metal.
Then I heard the voice and saw the distant blue glow. I moved towards it; for some reason I imagined myself as a white unicorn with a striped mane... and no metal.
Well, sure. Not hard to think of why, but she's busy at the moment.
At least here I could be normal.
Or maybe she does. In any case, though, "normal" is pretty relative, considering she's jumping in to Unity with newly-learned magic, using a connection to the hive mind that was forced on her by mutations and the actions of her friend.
One was looking down upon a village of zebras, and I thought that one of them looked a bit like Xenith... of course, they all looked kinda similar.
Well . . . she tries, at least.
Out. Awaken. Leave. Vacate! I struggled to pull myself out of this void and back to myself. Maybe if I got into myself, I could warn someone! Spike! I could tell him! He’d warn Homage! He could tell everypony! The Enclave and Goddess... together?! It had to be stopped.
Yeah, somehow I don't think that's happening.
Out. Awaken. Leave. Vacate! I struggled to pull myself out of this void and back to myself. Maybe if I got into myself, I could warn someone! Spike! I could tell him! He’d warn Homage! He could tell everypony! The Enclave and Goddess... together?! It had to be stopped.
Nope. Sure, it's not as threatening as in the past, given we already know the Goddess can do this, and in this case Blackjack was about as connected as she could be while still in Hoofington, but still a fine way of letting the reader know what's going on, which of course is an interesting contrast with the way FOE was narrated, with missing memories forming gaps in the story as well.
I want to thank everypony for reading as far as they have. It’s my dream to finish PH this year.
Well, there's one dream that died.
I want to thank everypony for reading as far as they have. It’s my dream to finish PH this year.
Eeugh. I'm still sorry you had to go through that.
- Chapter Fifty Three Overall Thoughts:
- So I think this was one of those chapters that worked pretty hard to further the plot, despite not all that much directly happening. Basically, there was quite a bit of knowledge dumped in various ways that is going to be important.
But before that, the biggest events that really happen here are front-loaded at the hospital, where Blackjack gets her new legs, having busted them fighting Deus. These are the blue-black heavy combat ones, and came with reinforcements of the rest of her body, including parts that are externally visible on the chest, shoulders, and spine. This also gives us two plot hooks: Blackjack helping out the Collegiate (clearing out Roseluck Agrifarms) and taking care of Rover's thing with the Enclave. But those will come later. We get a little more detail about what's wrong with Sky Striker, in that it seems like his body has forgotten how to heal itself, which will be confirmed later on along with just why. In the meantime, he's being kept in stasis. Scotch, in possession of Blackjack's PipBuck, sees the Dealer, and recognizes him from a character sheet they'd found earlier, the one for "Smiling Jack," Echo's character.
While Blackjack is under, she sees an orb of Horse and Diamond Flash at a convention in Hoofington, which (along with continually emphasizing what a loathsome pig and petty egotist Horse is) introduces the Tokomare, the gigantic mass of starmetal below the Core, and how great amounts of energy can be extracted from it. We also see Amadi, a Starkatteri zebra who is part of the program, and who continues a devotion to the stars; he offers, of course, the view that the Tokomare is the Eater of Souls, in contrast to Horse's belief it is staggeringly advanced technology. Additionally, the use of mechasprites near the Tokomare is shown, which is fairly chilling since, well, the test from way back indicated some unpleasant failure modes.
The segment also includes Doctor Toko, who as an Asian (Neighponese) stereotype outdoes Lotus and Aloe: yellow, black hair, eyes coming to points, and an accent. Let it never be said that Somber only one-ups FoE/Kkat in his writing. ;)
Then we have Blackjack back at Chapel, where she again learns some things, like just how loaded they are. Precious has a couple moments, but more importantly there's an indication that Horse may have been grabbing stable materials from Stable-Tec in addition to Goldenblood, without his knowledge, and it's revealed he's working on copying a Crusader's ability to upload a living mind. Also, he acts like a pig and one memo he gets back includes a passed-along message from Sweetie Belle that she hopes he gets tetanus from the Sweetie Bot. Sadly, I believe he never does. More on point, the last memo in the logs is one where presumably one of the CMC asks Luna what Project Horizons is. Then there's a recorded conversation between Goldenblood and Trottenheimer about starmetal, and especially its interaction with moonstone, in which Goldenblood asks just what would happen if you had a reaction of 10,000 metric tons of moonstone with a thousand times as much starmetal. Trottenheimer answers: the planet would still be there, and would probably still have oceans and an atmosphere. But don't worry; Goldenblood was just curious. After all, how would you get that much moonstone to Equestria anyway?
This brings us to Deus. He comes back. He wants to follow Blackjack around because what else is he supposed to do. That was probably the comedic high point of the chapter, immediately following the low point of Blackjack and Rampage doing the "yes as in"/"no as in" dance with him since he can only nod or shake his turrets, as he can't speak for some reason. Anyway, he's allowed to stay with them provided P-21 has a way of crippling or destroying him, which he agrees to, and P-21 goes about removing the kill switches that would obviously be there in case Deus decided to go rogue against Dawn. Notably, Deus seems very interested in Rampage, but he didn't know it was her at first because he'd never seen her in filly form. Which makes sense, but at the same time, how many red and white striped ponies are there? Anyway, it seems like the interest could well be related to Twist, since it's possible he's seen her when Twist took over at some point while they were both Reapers. On the subject of Twist: she came out when he was approaching, and Blackjack got some memories extracted from her, which she hasn't had a chance to look at yet, and a name, Peppermint, as something emotionally important to her. Juxtaposed with the recent memory including Twist's "feral beast"/"pet", there's a temptation to put them together.
Blackjack goes back to Star House, since they figure if Dawn or someone sees her on Deus's feeds they may just blow him up remotely. She takes a nap, and of course has a Psalm dream. It focuses on her and Garnet, and indicates some important facts: Project Redoubt is at Black Pony Mountain; Partypooper was ordered by Garnet, not Luna, after they knew the world was going to end as a way of getting back at the people who were involved, as she saw it, in the plans to have a bunch of the O.I.A. put on trial for war crimes after the conclusion of the war; and someone with really high clearance locked the Redoubt, with Garnet suspecting Horse; the Princesses are dead in Canterlot, along with Rarity and Fluttershy. Garnet lets Psalm know that Rainbow Dash is probably dead, vaporized in Cloudsdale, but that Twilight was at Maripony, which while balefired, was still standing, and Applejack may have made it to Stable Two. Before leaving to complete her mission, for all that it's now meaningless, as a measure of revenge, Psalm just leaves Garnet there to die of radiation poisoning, not shooting her, and even taking the knife that someone (probably Garnet) had used to stab Onyx to death.
Next up, Blackjack gets to talk a bit with the Dealer, confirming that he's Echo. The big bit of information he drops is something related to the Marauders. He tells of how they, when they were just friends right out of basic, went to a zebra fortune teller, who said that they'd all die nameless deaths in the next year. But! He could change their fates—he could make it so that they'd be Equestria's greatest heroes, as long as they always stuck together; however, if any of them should ever leave the others, he would die, and the rest would suffer far worse than he. They agreed, and we see the zebra use the black book and call upon the stars to change their fates, with a whole light show, before he disappears. The next day they were all assigned to an experimental combined forces squad, and before long they were doing things they'd never thought possible. Then one day, years later, Stonewing is lost, and they aren't aware that he's just in the hospital. They start worrying, then Big Mac announces he's leaving, and doesn't believe in the curse; besides, family is most important, and he's met someone he's going to raise a family with, after one last mission, protecting Celestia at the Shattered Hoof Ridge peace conference. Well, he dies, and then things start going to shit for the rest. Echo says he still doesn't believe in zebra curses and the power of the stars—after all, all the colts and fillies used to wish on the stars, and what did that ever do?—but given what he knows, perhaps he's not being entirely forthright. Or he's really, really siding with Cognitum's viewpoint. Anyway, Blackjack of course connects this all to her experience at Star Point, and wonders if she may have altered her fate there, if perhaps she had really been meant to just die there, a bullet in her head that she put there.
After this, Blackjack decides it's a good idea to plunge into Unity to see what's going on, because she's reckless and unfathomably stupid on a pretty regularly basis. After learning that "she has it" and the like (Littlepip, black book, but Blackjack doesn't get those details) and discussion of whether "she" should be brought into Unity or killed, Blackjack finds out the Goddess is making an alliance with the Enclave against Red Eye. They provide extra firepower, she gives them access to magic. They keep the skies and get support against Thunderhead, she keeps the ground. Everyone's happy. (It should be noted, by the way, that some of the visuals in this section were pretty good.) Now, Blackjack does not escape unscathed once discovered by the Goddess/Trixie, after being warned to run by Twilight. She's told that she'll be brought into Unity soon, but not yet, and then takes her memories of the encounter.
Now, in addition to the heavy plot driving elements of the chapter, and the related character moments (Deus's interest in Rampage, and Peppermint, for example), there is some good work done with Glory. At the start, she's taking charge with an energy and forcefulness we normally don't see from her, as she's working to save as many of the wounded from the battle at Blueblood Manor as possible, with her father's condition hanging over her. Her response to one patient's death was interesting, very professional, with a moment of sober loss before moving on to the next. After further help arrives, Triage, Blackjack convinces her to see to Sky Striker, saying she needs to talk to him if he's still alive, and to say goodbye if he isn't. Much later on, as Blackjack is waking from her Psalm dream, there's more, which is more focused on them. Blackjack was sleeping curled up with Boo, nuzzling her on waking. In a sweet, adorable moment, on noticing Glory she blushes and says she didn't do anything. Glory knows, but asks if she wanted to. Blackjack says only if Boo said she wanted to, and Glory was okay with it, but on a purely physical level . . . it's cut off, but if the physical level were just a "no," then all the lead-up to it probably wasn't necessary, or at least she could have gotten that part out in the end. Now, Glory is trying to process this, and more generally Blackjack's different outlook on sex. It's not the easiest thing for her, after all, and she doesn't know if in the end it's something she can accept. But for now, it's just who she is, and the most important thing is that for all the crazy, painful stuff that happens to Blackjack, Glory doesn't want Blackjack to leave her out or get left behind, no matter what. Blackjack assures her she won't. I need to say that the setup for this was well done, building off of an earlier interaction with Boo. Upon returning to Star House, Blackjack found Boo restless and agitated. She'd just been told that Boo hadn't taken well to Blackjack's absence, and that it wasn't snack cakes; the rest of the group had taken care of that. So Blackjack pieces together that Boo didn't like being left behind and separated from Blackjack, and Blackjack decides that even though it'll be dangerous for her, to avoid a different kind of pain, she'll need to bring Boo along in the future. This coming about organically, to be followed up with the conversation with Glory, threw the latter into high relief, and based on what happens at the end of the Thunderhead arc and thereafter, it's not too hard to see that Blackjack was probably more successful in keeping her promise to Boo than Glory, which of course feeds in to their relationship following the reunion after Blackjack's months in the Core—with Boo.
- Chapter Fifty Three Editing:
- “The war brought misery and death all over the world. I sure hope that something like that never happens again. But from what I've seen, there's not much hope for ponykind.”
only one space after periods
wearing a shooty look all its own. Glory, her hide spattered and streaked
only one space after period
“We’re in charge he-“
second hyphen/dash for dash, quotation mark inverted
“I will, even if I must imbibe the wastewater in the little filly’s room,
should probably be "fillies' room" (like men's room, women's room, etc.)
If not…” she hesitated for an instant, glancing back at the bandage-wrapped form of her father.
should have second space after quotation, capitalize "she"
and a bunch of jabber that I think is zebra.
It sounds like she's talking about the language (since not "zebras"), so I think "zebra" should be capitalized
and finally leaned towards me. “Blackjack…
only one space after period
I don’t want…” I began, then slammed the back of my head against
should have only one space after quotation
“You can do that?” I asked in surprise.
should have only one space after quotation
only much more reinforced. Instead of armoring around
only one space after period
You all know Flash Industries’ fine products
Flash Industries's?
selectable beam focus, wavelength, pulse energy and refire rate!
comma after "energy"
Well now, witness the next generation in energy products from Flash!”
comma after "well" instead of "now"?
“Oh my! Perhaps we
should have second space after exclamation point
I… What an
should have second space after ellipsis or not capitalize "What"
shouldn’t be surprised anymore.” He smirked down
only one space after period
He lead her through the small access door and down
"led"
“And ‘Applications of Technology,’”
comma shoudl be outside single quotation marks
It has an peculiar atomic structure capable
"a peculiar"
An odd, small yellow mare with strange pointed eyes and a black mane pulled into a bun trotted up and passed her a small plastic canister on a plastic thong. “Here. Take this,” she said in an odd accent.
only one space after period, I'd suggest replacing the second "odd" with something else, like "unfamiliar"
passed a set to Diamond. Instantly everything was
only one space after period
“Flash Industries’ finest,” Horse chuckled a
"Flash Industries's"?
Tiny metal orbs fluttered in a swarm around the platform, then swooped into large drums along the elevator above, humming like massive bee hives.
"beehives"; also, right now it's saying that the orbs are humming like beehives, you might want to change "humming like" to something like "making them hum like" so that the descriptor matches
“Sure. Give the system a workout,” Harmonia said.
only one space after period
“Ashtar. Shurrak. Dagon. Spare us your wrath and grant the daring a fraction of your power.”
Chapter 66:
How has Discord marred your celestial orbits? Please! I beg thee. Ashur. Dagon. Namtar. Show me…”
Should these match? At least Ashtar/Ashur?
Then she smiled. “I’ll get started tonight
only one space after period
needed was for somepony --notably Twilight Sparkle and her friends, but others, too-- to do the one thing
symmetrical spacing about dashes?
He reached over to a tray, lifted my black collar up with this two fingers,
"his two fingers", just "two fingers"?
internally and called it good.” Suddenly the mare
three spaces after quotation
but when we finished and laid on the bed with our limbs tangled together,
"lay"
Elements of Harmony and make everything better..
extra period
“We gotta get them Harbringers,” Scotch Tape muttered sleepily as P-21 tugged her across his back.
"Harbingers" unless she got in wrong in her fatigue
I asked with a snort. “Do you think I’ll ever have to do something like that again?”
only one space after period
Redoubt? Maybe…
only one space after question mark
Where else had Goldenblood gotten a Crusader maneframe for Twilight
"maneframe" should be capitalized
“That’s what I’d like to know!” I shouted at the terminal,
should have only one space after quotation
Stuff gives me the heebie jeebies!
"heebie-jeebies"
I paused and looked back at her and the furious look in her eyes. On her flank,
only one space after period
Her entire face twitched with aggravation, I might not have been a morale officer but even I could tell she was close to snapping.
comma to semicolon or period
You can hold onto it till after the battle.
"hold on to"
reveal a cone of beaten metal. Then he turned so I could
three spaces after period
side to the armor. Radio detonated. Shaped charge
only one space after periods
Or its brain.” I stared at him
only one space after period
“Triage bet it would only take you eight,” Rampage snickered
should have only one space after quotation
pointed right at me. Okay
only one space after period
hopeful smile. “Right?
only one space after period
“Oh, let me guess?,” Rampage said as she hopped
should have only one of question mark and comma
I frowned, “Haven’t you ever seen her like this?”
should have speaking verb, or comma should be period
What’s sane?” Rampage asked as she stopped
should have only one space after quotation
heavier than I was used to. Instead, I scraped
only one space after period
I really missed my fingers! It seemed Shadowbolt
three spaces after exclamation point
“Ahah! There you are. Wired to… well… something. Hmmm.” His hooves went limp. “Is that the radio? Ahah! There!
"Aha"
you and me should--“
inverted quotation mark
Inside, I spotted Scotch Tape laying on her side with Boo,
"lying"
blanketed the land. You could almost imagine
only one space after period
I came around, both SMG’s rising up as my
"SMGs"
embedded in her neck. Another one
three spaces after period
You stupid damn bitch!” she cackled as she pointed her hoof at me.
“You unbelievable dumb shit!” Garnet roared with
should have only one space after quotation
ended, you… me…Trueblood… we’d all
should have space after second ellipsis
I lifted one of the SMG’s at her cackling, bloody
"SMGs"
Finish me you killing fuck!” she screamed as she
should have only one space after quotation
swallowed, looking aside. “I didn’t
only one space after period
sigh from her lips. She
four spaces after period
“But you saw-” I began,
second hyphen/dash for dash
I saw Big Macintosh die. I called in the
only one space after period
Loyal and true forever and ever...”
“Then Stonewing
Paragraph shouldn't end with closing quotation mark
“Oh not just a death!” Dealer snapped, “A hero’s
comma after "Oh"? comma to period
drag to infiltrate a monastery, fighting
should have only one space after comma
Her hips devolved into a glowing ameboid mass stretching out around
"amoeboid"
By the side of the Goddess’ head floated a translucent, membranous balloon connected by a meaty filament to the Goddess’ temple
"Goddess's"
images all across Equestria. Most of them were
only one space after period
been proved to work. What kind of scientist
only one space after period
I really was a self centered nag, wasn’t I?
"self-centered"
It looked like it was ‘Fun with Codewords’ time again.
"Code Words"
HE HAS ABUSED THE GODDESS’ TRUST, AND SO WE
KEEP THEM WITH THE GODDESS’ BLESSING.
THE GODDESS’ CHILDREN SHALL RULE BELOW
WING OF THE GODDESS’ CHILDREN WITH YOU
AUDACITY WHEN ALL THE GODDESS’ GIFTS ARE PRESENTED
"GODDESS'S"
“What...” The Goddess began,
"The" shouldn't be capitalized
Shitshitshitohshitohshi-
second hyphen/dash for dash
“Sneaky sneaky, Blackjack.
comma after first "sneaky"?
“I guess you and me should--“
quotation mark in wrong direction
inverted quotation mark
I bowed my head and clapsed my hooves.
"clasped"
around the village and towards towards the road between it and the bridge.
delete extra "towards"
just wished I had something that could pierce its armor that was less… melee-dependant.
"dependent"
The glowing cloud emerged from Rampage’s forehead like a little radiant stormcloud
maybe change one of the clouds to something that looks similar; a cloud emerging like a storm cloud just reads poorly. "storm cloud" if you're keeping that one
It scares me when you have thoughts like that,” Trottenhimer said, then sighed.
"Trottenheimer"
Trottenhimer laughed, though it was a little strained.
"Trottenheimer"
When Trottenhimer said that, Goldenblood gave a wrenching laugh.
"Trottenheimer"
Nearby sat a heap of gemstones. Precious climbed atop the pile
only one space after period
Icy Shake- Alicorn
- Posts : 1209
Brohoof! : 308
Join date : 2012-06-05
Age : 35
Location : Boston, MA
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vinylshadow Tue Sep 02, 2014 10:25 am
What yellow earth pony?
Vinylshadow- Alicorn
- Posts : 1769
Brohoof! : -8
Join date : 2014-05-14
Age : 32
Location : Under your bed
Character List:
Name: Midnight Runner/Noon Walker
Sex: Mare/Stallion
Species: Pegasus -
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Tue Sep 02, 2014 10:51 am
Ah, thank you very much as always.Icy Shake wrote:I wouldn't say I do that much, but I at least tear up or get choked up fairly regularly, if only outright crying much more rarely. For example, once today during chapter fifty three. But then, that also happens elsewhere, for instance with last Friday's Girl Genius, on the fifth panel. (Incidentally, I wouldn't be surprised if these guys were pretty high up on O. Hind's list of favorite fictional monastic orders.)Scienza wrote:You must have a heart of stone. I cry at least once every chapter.Vinylshadow wrote:
Only part of PH where I cried
- Chapter Fifty Three Running Thoughts:
The few ponies standing around the battered ER just stared in speechless confusion at the sight of her backed by Lacunae and four power-armored pegasi.
Yeah, I don't think I'd argue either.
“Scotch Tape. Get on Blackjack’s PipBuck and contact Megamart. We’ll pay whatever they want from what we stripped off the Harbingers if they can get Bonesaw and every healing potion and chem they’ve got together within ten minutes. Then do the same for the Collegiate, and get them to send Triage.”
Down-to-business Glory is really something else entirely, isn't she? Getting to see that side from time to time is nice.
Glory had a nurse pour a pan full of Wild Pegasus and dumped the medical tools in. I envied the tools a tiny bit.
So, will Blackjack ever get to swim in Wild P?
“Blackjack… there’s this really freaky pony watching me right now.”
“Pale? Wide-brimmed hat? Cards?” I asked with a little smile. She nodded, glancing away again nervously. “Don’t mind him. He’s Dealer. Lives in my PipBuck. He’s a… friend.”
Well, for certain pretty loose values of "friend."
And there was the Dealer. Same hat. Same gaunt, sallow look with a dead-eyed stare as he flipped glowing cards between his hooves. “Turn it over…” I murmured.
Name: Smiling Jack. Race: Earth Pony. Profession: Occult Gambler. Hometown: Gallows Hill.
Player: Echo.
And it's finally basically confirmed. The fates of most of the Marauders have been covered by this point, with some leeway on the particulars of Twist and Jetstream still remaining. Technically, I guess, I'm not sure Blackjack knows Steelhooves is Applesnack, but of course the reader presumably does.
“Dog think pony has problem,” Rover said calmly as the old canine cupped his chin and narrowed his filmy eye. “Now what could it be… hmmm…” He sat on a large wooden crate he’d hauled in while Triage readied her surgical equipment.
“I broke my legs,” I muttered, flushing as I lay there on a table. Now that the injured were more or less taken care of, there was time to deal with stupid mares who tore their legs off trying to rip open tanks with their bare hooves.
Triage glanced at Rover and then at me. “I dunno,” the blue unicorn said, her lips twitching around her cigarette. “Sprained ankle?”
These guys are hilarious. And them having fun taking Blackjack down a peg is good for all of their characters, I think.
“Fortunately, we’ve got enough pieces of Sky Striker’s armor to do it.” She looked into the box and pursed her lips. “Too bad the wing guards were shredded.”
Not too bad for me. Anything that got me more than twenty feet off the ground was something I didn’t want.
Huh, even setting up that specific part already.
She glanced at Sweetie Belle, then frowned and looked down at the Stable-Tec display where Sweetie Belle was addressing a collection of ponies. Her eyes went from one to the other, mouth hanging open.
“I do love that look,” Horse said with a chuckle.
“Is that… is that a robot?” she asked.
“The latest and finest,” he chuckled. “Sweetie Bot, 2.0,” he said with a wave of his hoof, and the robot actually blushed and lowered her eyes. “She’s not for the show, though. She’s all for me.
Damn, what an asshole. And a creep.
“I once asked her to marry me, but she declined. So I made one that wouldn’t. Worked out for the best, I suppose.”
Eugh. Beats 99, I guess, or Doof. Congratulations on clearing bars laid on the ground.
“I’d be far more interested if Celestia poked her horn outside her school… but she has even less inclination to be around weapons like these.”
Well, consistent at least. Of course, if she'd been less of a shitty, irresponsible ruler, they may never have been made. That's probably part of why she doesn't like being there, though.
Why, I imagine whoever did arrange things must have been tickled pink when he was dispatched. Probably sent Applesnack a gift basket.” He chuckled and shook his head. “Such irony…” Was he talking about himself or Goldenblood... ugh... either way, I didn’t like it!
It could be someone else, too, but between them it's hard to say which would be more likely. Goldenblood seems unlikely to do anything to jeopardize the balance at the ministries, and his reaction to the news seemed genuine. Horse would have had more of a material interest in offing her, but might have had some little bit of aversion to doing so since she was an earth pony at the top. On which note, given his distaste for/resentment of/envy directed at pegasi and unicorns as a whole, what with his thing about using technology to make it so that they no longer had advantages over earth ponies, that just makes the whole thing with Sweetie Belle a bit more loathsome.
“What is it you want? You really want? What horrible, selfish, ignoble desire purrs inside your heart that drove you to release a magical talisman that makes all your other weapons, perhaps war itself, obsolete?”
Diamond stared into his powerful, charismatic brown eyes. “Magic,” she said in a near whisper. “I… I never was very good at it. All I could do was manipulate light… and when that didn’t lead to anything productive, I was… reassigned to lighting the lab. I want to… to make magic. Powerful magic. As powerful as the Princesses or Twilight Sparkle herself!”
There really are a decent number of ponies with magic-envy around here. Trixie, Horse, Blackjack, Flash . . .
“There’s a lot of ‘down’ in Hoofington. Even before the original city was razed, it had a rather stunning amount of drains, sewers, and access tunnels. It’s as if the city’s always been trying to draw its inhabitants to explore deeper and deeper into the earth.”
Okay, so that works on at least two different levels.
“Truth be told, I hate every last one of you.” He turned to looked at the passing stone walls again. “It’s jealousy, really. You get to do magic. We can’t. It’s your dream to do incredible magic. Well, it’s my dream to someday have technology so advanced that there won’t be a difference between unicorns and anypony else. We’ll all be equal.”
Okay, so I was wrong about him and pegasi. But seriously—"I hate every last one of you" and "I asked [Sweetie Belle] to marry me" don't go together unless it would have been a fucked-up relationship, even beyond the fact he's a megalomaniacal pig.
“Please. This was centuries before Equestria. We were being exploited for food by Unicornia and Pegasopolis,” he said with a roll of his eyes.
And he seems to think of "Equestria" as just earth ponies. Lovely.
“Starmetal. Sky Iron. Meteorite. Or rather, that’s what it appeared to almost everyone. What I discovered was that this metal isn’t simply an element or alloy. It has an peculiar atomic structure capable of manifesting particular macroscopic effects.” He smiled smugly. “And I realized that such a metal had more than simple natural origins. It was technology. Incomprehensible technology to everyone but a very select few. Technology that would allow us to not just end the war with pitiful ease but to also to utterly transform the world. Perhaps the universe.”
And the setup for the merely-alien technology explanation.
A few green lights along the lift’s hanging rails were the only source of steady illumination, struggling to light the massive space around us. The green glow was augmented by countless motes of ghostly white light circling in the middle of that great space. Along the periphery of the expanse were long, jagged blades of silver jutting hundreds of feet into the mile-wide cavern. Green crackling energy arcs flickered and danced along the edges like a distant lightning storm. A swarm of tiny humming dots swirled and flickered around the silver spires like a metallic mist.
Nice to have some wholesome scenery porn interrupt Horse and his lovely personality.
An odd, small yellow mare with strange pointed eyes and a black mane pulled into a bun trotted up and passed her a small plastic canister on a plastic thong.
Small? Check. Yellow? Check. Black hair? Check. Eyes? Check. Looks like you outdid Lotus and Aloe by quite a bit.
“Here. Take this,” she said in an odd accent. “It’s the only thing that we’ve found that counters the ambient energy.”
So it was common knowledge, at least within parts of the O.I.A., which could be how Snips knew about it for Hightower. If it wasn't already explained.
“And this is Amadi,” Toko said as she pointed to the final member, a large and shrouded form.
When indicated, he stepped forward and pulled back his hood, uncovering his long striped mane and lined features. He wasn’t just striped, however. His face was covered with intricate tattoos that seemed to emphasize his stripes. Strange glyphs were tattooed upon his hide in sweeping, elaborate tribal marks.
So either Goldenblood never told the people here or in the O.I.A. in general to never, ever trust a Starkatteri (especially there of all places) and how to identify one, or Horse is disobeying that order. And, of course, Goldenblood doesn't know he's there.
“Our goal is simple: unlimited electricity for the entire world.”
“An end to all wars,” Amadi said with a nod. “With this device, the resource struggle will end, and both pony and zebrakind will have peace.
Well, it seems to me that effectively the resource struggle was over, or largely over (though I suppose they could just be getting much of their power from coal mines in occupied territory), and even more so soon after (or at least would have been).
“Mechasprites. Something that never was converted for market use… but very useful in hazardous environments like this.”
Scary that they're there, and of course setting up for Blackjack's time there, and Cognitum's plans.
“You saw the Tokomare. Horse’s marvelous mechanical monstrosity.”
I sighed and looked at her, feeling the urge to be honest, and spat, “I think it’s more proof that virtually nothing that was made during the war was worth a damn. It’s like Dawn’s belief that all they need is one thing, just one, and everything will be perfect.
And, interestingly enough, it happens to be that same thing, or at least closely related.
But moreover, think of Equestria before pony’s war.”
Triage manipulated a probe in my opposite shoulder. “There were threats, certainly, but all they needed was for somepony --notably Twilight Sparkle and her friends, but others, too-- to do the one thing needed to fix everything.” She gave me a little smirk. “You’re not the only unicorn who’s studied memory orbs. Before the war, they’d just use the Elements of Harmony and make everything better.. Return a crystal heart to a pedestal and King Sombra is banished. Just do X, and Y is gone or fixed. Simple.”
Or complete a broken spell that didn't even seem to include anything about what it was trying to do, and become an alicorn! Or engage in preemptive unilateral disarmament and get the last MacGuffin you need, despite it not really fitting with the pattern of the others'! After giving all the alicorn magic to the one least able to use it, various other stupidity, and then, by the way, having her try to hide rather than seek out the enemy—the enemy who gets stronger with time!—quickly. Oh yeah, and all that only happened because you let Discord out, a move that would have made infinitely more sense from the reformation perspective before the season two opener! Basically, yes, the ponies were living on the basis of always being able to be saved from not only all their problems but also their mistakes and stupidity by simplistic writing.
Also, note the lack of mention of the changeling invasion.
I nodded, pulled out one of Glory’s cyberpony cakes, and began to eat. It definitely hit the spot with its appley-oily-metally goodness, but I still wanted to find a mirror. I wanted to see what Glory would see when she looked at me; did I still look like Blackjack, or was I something else?
And again, the focus on appearance is closely tied in with 1) Glory and 2) sex (that one was more earlier, though).
He picked one up and sniffed it, then took a bite. His eye popped wide as he chewed, then slowly swallowed. “Is full of gems!” He gobbled up the rest before I could blink.
Finally! Someone with good taste!
She should tell Glory. Also Dawn, but not really.
Okay. It wasn’t… as bad as I’d expected. I looked like I’d put on half a suit of (blue-black, not pure black) Enclave power armor and had neglected to put on the rest. Aside from my legs, there was a large shield-shaped piece of metal across my chest that connected to my shoulders. An articulated ridge of black metal followed my spine down to my tail. My sides were still bare; on one hoof, a tactical vulnerability, and on the other a wonderful reminder that I was at least partially flesh and blood. The ridge narrowed when it got to my mane and became two thinner strips, with my mane in the middle, running to just behind my ears.
It's quite a lot of changes, but not quite as simply all-encompassing as the alicorn-Blackjack, so it makes sense that it seems to me like this version tends to be the one with the most things missing in visual art. Granted, it's not like I could do better, since I can barely write clearly by hand, and I'm happy to take just about everything that's put out.
“Are you going to be okay?” I asked as I lifted her face with my hoof and looked into her eyes.
“I’m with you, Blackjack. There’s no safer place to be,” she murmured softly as she held me tight and then gave an arch little smile.
That's not even a little bit true.
“Another tank?” I asked with a snort. “Do you think I’ll ever have to do something like that again?”
Charity stopped at the door and looked back at me. “Given how your life goes, Blackjack, it’ll probably be three tanks. Flying ones.”
How many Raptors was she personally involved with fighting at Thunderhead, again?
>S, we’ve run interference with Image and Morale again. Please try to be a little more circumspect, if you can. The story is that the “material” for Stable 24 is for a satirical, ironic, postmodern performance piece. P&P are keeping PP occupied with infiltrators in Manehattan; hopefully, she won’t get a twitchy tail on you again. Give my love to AB. -E.
>P.S. Try and remember identification protocols, S. It’s that whole plausible deniability thing that keeps PP off our butts. Thanks.
Okay, Echo, probably, maybe Emerald, to Scootaloo, about Pound and Pumpkin and Pinkie Pie, shout-out to Applebloom.
>AB, hey Bloom. I was digging through some of the MWT’s Stable-Tec files and lookie what I found. Mind transfer to a computer? Sexy, Bloom. Really sexy. You’ve been holding out. I saw what you have cooking at 29, 33, and 94. Hope you don’t mind if I snag the designs, ROFL. This has got some real possibilities if we can reverse it. Play around a bit. -H.
>P.S. You should check out my Sweetie Bot.
Well, it does sound like this one wasn't on Goldy after all. Bringing that part over; soon we'll probably get the Eclipse/fake Crusader scene.
Horse and mind transfer? I frowned as I thought back to the Tokomare; an immense machine of terrifying potential, and Horse had his hooves on some sort of technology that could connect a mind into it? Why did that feel SO wrong on so many damned levels?
And a very astute observation from Blackjack, in fact one that may have jumped a step or two.
>H, I heard all about the “Crusader” you tried to make. Look forward to reading about your lobotomy when you fail to upload yourself into it. -AB
>P.S. SB hopes you get tetanus.
Good on both of them. Too bad he didn't.
> Your Majesty, what is Project Horizons?
“That’s what I’d like to know!” I shouted at the terminal, and then covered my face in my hooves. Dawn had given me a snippet, but she’d told me more about Cognitum than she had about the project that was always tantalizingly out of reach.
And you just keep teasing us. I wonder if that ever reached the point of "trolling your own readers." It'd probably depend on whom you ask.
There was a pause where I could only imagine a glower, then Trottenheimer suggested, “Maybe you should stop working with that starmetal. We still don’t know if it has toxic side effects or not. It definitely has some bad vibes coming off it.”
No fucking kidding. Hard to miss the feeling of lethargy and generally dying whenever energy is run through it.
Goldenblood didn’t answer for a moment, then he said in a hiss, “I meant ten thousand tonnes of moonstone. At optimal ratio.”
“Ten… ten thousand t…? Goldie… I don’t think there’d be anything left of Equestria with a reaction that big. Or the zebra lands for that matter,” Trottenheimer muttered in shock. “I… the planet would still be here. We’d probably keep the atmosphere and oceans too, but I doubt there’d be much for survivors beyond that! It’d be equivalent to a geologic event. Dust clouds for years afterwards. Worldwide forest fires. I can’t even imagine the arcane aftereffects of that much energy being released. It would be a weapon with no sane application. Besides, where would you get that much moonstone? Unless you’re planning on making a couple hundred trips to the moon, you’d never get that much together.”
“Of course. Of course. It was just… a thought,” Goldenblood muttered.
And, of course, we have a plan without a name, just after a name without a plan. And earlier there was the "firing" part, back at Goldenblood's cottage.
“And if they’re used and kill everyone?” Goldenblood asked in a harsh whisper.
Trottenheimer was silent for a moment and then said in a voice of resignation, “Well, it’s one way to end a war.”
The recording ended, and the two young ponies stared at me. “What the heck was that, Blackjack? I never heard that recording before,” Charity said as she gaped at the terminal.
Thanks, Echo!
I considered her coolly. “I’m not sure I can take that risk, Twist. Let me put them in a memory orb for you. You can hold onto it till after the battle. I won’t take it.” Please don’t notice that I was half metal or a mare or that my mane was the wrong color. “Please don’t make me bench you this battle for psych…”
“I told you I’m over what that bastard did to me! Peppermint and I…” she snapped, then grit her teeth as she stared into my eyes.
And there's a name for the "feral beast," presumably, to be confirmed later.
“I am so glad that you’re on my side,” I replied with a smile, making [p-21] scowl… and blush… as he muttered about me being an idiot.
Was he successfully hiding this from anyone? Anyone at all? Hell, it took all of minutes, it seemed, for Dawn to catch on. I guess it took Blackjack a long time to figure it out, but I think part of that was, like on his side, a defense mechanism since she was so sensitive to the fact that she had, well, raped him.
“Scotch is minding Boo. She tore the place apart while we were gone,” he said with an arch of his brow. “Lacunae’s with Glory.”
I sighed, trying to think of what to do. “I should have left some more cakes out for her.”
“We did. She wasn’t looking for cake. She was looking for you,” he said.
Boo is cute even offscreen, relayed second-hand.
Deus had crossed the ditch with ease, and now the massive tank began rolling up the road towards me. “Rampage, stop helping Triage win that bet,” I said as the road shook under my black hooves. Looking at those two cannons, I could only gulp and manage a weak smile. Then I spotted a black hat moving quickly and quietly along the ditch beside me, creeping as low as possible. That gave me a little confidence as the huge machine came to a stop twenty feet away. At least none of his weapons were pointed right at me. Okay. Time for diplomacy. “Hello, Doof.”
Probably doesn't hurt Rampage is right there with her, even if Deus knows she won't be killed by him trying something. Wouldn't exactly want to give that kind of show of ingratitude and betrayal right in front of her, after all.
“Rampage! Stop trying to win that bet!” I said, bucking her off and onto the road beside me. The tank let out a rumble, and a camera focused on the older filly. “Yeah, Deus. That’s Rampage.” I frowned, “Haven’t you ever seen her like this?”
Deus swung his turret back and forth again.
Oh. Well, maybe not. Well, he knows now, anyway.
“So… you’re not here to fight me again?” I asked. The turrets rose and fell once. “Yes, you are or yes you aren’t?” The tank let out another deep rumble as I raised my hooves defensively. “Okay. I’ll take that as a no!” The cameras focused on me, and I looked at my black armored limbs. I gave him a wan smile. “Yeah. Blackjack, new and improved. And a little less me.”
The engine let out a low growl. Rampage stepped forwards again, and I cringed inwardly as she said, “You’re being awfully quiet. Don’t you have a single ‘CUNT’ for me? Come on, that tank has to be wired with loudspeakers or something.” Deus let out a deeper growl of his engine and shook his turret. “No you aren’t, or no, you’ve suddenly embraced a whole new appreciation of femininity?”
Okay, that's about enough of that gag. Sorry, but it wasn't really funny the first time, the second didn't help, and I don't think it was great whenever it was Twilight did it on the show ("Over a Barrel"? With the "Did you say that she was a tree?" I think?), but at least it set up Fluttershy.
“So you’re not here to fight me… what are you here for?” I asked as I looked up at the vehicle. He didn’t growl his engine or shake his turret or anything. “Are you here to help me?” No answer. “Help Chapel?” Again, no answer. “Revenge on Dawn?” No answer. “Go back to the Reapers?”
Suddenly Rampage fell back laughing. She laughed so hard her hooves kicked into the air. “Rampage? What’s gotten into you?”
She laughed so hard she was crying. “Oh! Oh! It’s just too much!”
Now we're getting somewhere good!
Also, of course Blackjack doesn't see it; that would require self esteem in addition to her improving pattern recognition.
“Is it that you suddenly don’t have a clue what to do with your life and the only thing you can think of is to follow Blackjack in the hope that she’ll help you make some sense of the incredibly fucked up circumstances you now find yourself in?”
Deus rumbled his engines in an idle tone, and then gave a tiny rise and fall of his cannons.
We have a winner!
“Blackjack, have you looked around lately? What’s sane?” Rampage asked as she stopped laughing, smiling up at me. “I’m an immortal amalgamation of souls. You’re a cyberpony. Deus is a tank! One of your best friends is an alicorn and your lover looks like Rainbow Dash. The only friend you have even close to anything approaching normal is P-21.”
Nobody remembers Scotch. :'(
Boo's pretty weird, though, so not including her makes plenty of sense. And Blackjack might still be the only one who thinks she's a real pony, even if the others at least see she cares about Blackjack.
P-21 stepped out from behind Deus, tossing a detonator to me. “I’m just waiting with baited breath to turn into a ghoul,” he said flatly as he stepped beside me and looked up at the tank.
No doing that until after you've knocked Blackjack up!
“Stop. You’ve got four bombs glued to your chassis. I’m not nearly as mechanically smart as my little girl, but I am pretty sure that they’ll rip your engine right off.” The engine noise dropped substantially, and P-21 went on, “They’re also on timers, so even if you kill us, they’ll go off.” The engine rumbled again, and he pointed a blue hoof up at the tank. “Stop.” The engine slacked off. “I’m not like Blackjack. I don’t trust somepony who chased us all across the Wasteland to not swap back to being a complete monster. The only way I’ll tolerate you being anywhere around us is if we have a way to turn you into scrap if you decide to swap back to Dawn’s side or just kill us for the laughs. Got it?”
That's the kind of practical thinking I like to see from time to time. Couldn't happen on the show, of course. And less likely to come from Rampage, since she used to hang out with him and everything, and is sort of in the same place he is.
I tried to jump up beside him, but my legs were slower and heavier than I was used to. Instead, I scraped and flailed my way up the side of the tank, nearly falling off twice. I really missed my fingers! It seemed Shadowbolt augmentations didn’t understand the concept of ‘climb’.
Well, why would they? They're made to fly.
I reached the top, and one camera turned to look right up my hind end. Yup. Deus all right.
Kind of impressed, given he probably doesn't have a source of testosterone anymore. Maybe it's force of habit.
I trotted away, looking back over my shoulder at Rampage and the cameras all oriented on the filly. Deus was interested in Rampage?
Building that plot line, but here in particular still sort of on the red-herring Twist thread.
She looked right at me, but rather than charge, she crept over the sleeping filly and looked at me with her pale eyes. She looked… wary. Even scared as she shied left and right. “Hey hey hey… Boo. It’s all right. It’s me.”
But she didn’t look reassured. If anything, she seemed more worried, ears hanging and eyes downcast. What was the matter? Was she sick? Injured? Was there something wrong with her cloned body? No… nothing I could see. Then I looked into the worry in her eyes. It wasn’t her… it was me. But what had I done... no. I sighed and closed my eyes. Damn it…
“I haven’t been treating you very good since Hippocratic, have I, Boo?” I’d left her to go gallivanting across the Hoof, then come back only to leave her behind again.
You're turning her into Glory! Also, another parallel to Dawn.
“I’ll try not to leave you behind again, if I can help it. Okay?” It was a risk; I couldn’t see her surviving a place like Hightower... but leaving her behind just meant a different kind of hurt. “Just try not to let yourself get hurt. Okay?”
Kind of ironic she does a better job of that with Boo than Glory.
I couldn’t take another step forward; something refused to let me. If he were here… he’d open it. He’d need me. He’d use me.
And he was on the list.
Yeah, that's a pretty broken mind right there.
“Luna?” Garnet cackled. “Luna’s a corpse in Canterlot. Celestia too! All of Equestria is dead. Fuck Luna,” the red mare said as she slumped.
I think it must be the radiation talking. Not that she'd hold a different opinion otherwise, but come on, that's not the kind of thing you say to a very dangerous zealot.
“I was supposed to be a part of the new order. Richer than fucking Filthy himself.” She looked over at a brown stallion in the snow. “Fucker wouldn’t shut up about his kid. Can you believe that? We’re all fucking dying, and he wanted to run off to the far side of the country to get her.”
So why was she working, and working at a prison? Patriotic duty had expectations of even the heirs to great wealth? Well, everyone can't be Blueblood, I guess.
I ignored her request. “Where is the director?” I asked slowly. Keep calm, just like when shooting. I had to stay calm and centered. I had to…
“Who the fuck do you think is in there?” She glowered at me, pointing at the wall with a chipped ruby hoof. “He buttoned it up tight. He’s got everything in there. The whole facility to himself. Probably his fucking robot, too.”
Somehow I'm not sure Psalm meant that director. Though I bet both would be on the list.
“What? Do you want money?” She kicked open a suitcase, scooped up two great big hooffuls of bits and held them up to me. “I’ve got money… there was so much damn money we scammed off those aristocrat jackasses. Kingpin paid a mint to get in too. CEOs and other business leaders… fuckers all came here actually thinking they’d get in.” Her bloodshot eyes twitched as she grinned hopefully, then her grin sagged… along with her forelegs. Gold coins bounced and tinkled around her hooves. She rubbed her face with her hoof, muttering to herself. “I thought we’d get in…”
Ah, right at the end, I think she gets the irony.
“You’ll never be forgiven! I know who you killed.” I lifted one of the SMG’s at her cackling, bloody maw. She grinned her bloody smile, ready to eat a bullet. “Come on, finish me! Finish me you killing fuck!” she screamed as she threw her hooves wide. “You’ve killed fucking thousands one by one for your fucking Goddess! Kill me!”
But I didn’t. Instead my magic reached out and took the knife that’d been stuck in Onyx. Her grin disappeared as I flicked the blood off it and tucked it in my belt. Then I turned and stepped out into the snow. “You should have saved one of those bullets for yourself.”
Garnet hobbled to the entrance after me. “No. Come back here! Kill me, you cunt! You whore! Murderer! We killed everypony! Kill me!” She screamed after me. I never looked back as I heard her bloody choking sob, “Please… kill me too…
And that's why you don't pointlessly antagonize people who have the power of life and death over you.
Boo snuggled against me, snoozing as well. I smiled and nuzzled her mane; she smelled like cherry filling. Then I glanced up at Glory, watching me with an odd look on her face as she sat before me. My cheeks reddened, and I swallowed, looking aside. “I didn’t do anything...” I muttered.
Sometimes, Blackjack can be really sweet.
“I don’t want to be left out of your life, because then I’ll have nothing. But staying with you is hard. It’s not your fault. You just... have stuff happen to you. But it’s still hard. And it hurts.” She closed her eyes and lay against me. “Just don’t... don’t leave me out. Whatever happens, don’t leave me out or leave me behind. Please...”
Such an important request. And it was out there. But it's not an easy one, when it's in tension with what Blackjack does—and a big part of that is keeping the people she loves safe.
“Always loved that character. Once mesmerized a dozen zombie buffalo to perform ballet in tutus. Good game, that one.”
I see what you did there.
“An old zebra had a tent. Strange old guy. Had tattoos all over his face. His tent had bizarre, leering masks and creepy herbs and specimens in bottles. The kind of zebra that would have been snapped up by the M.o.M. had he been around a few years later. Maybe he was. Asked us if we wanted to know our fate.”
More Starkatteri. Hmm.
“We did. Partly out of pride and partly out of a wish to laugh at the zebra’s predictions. But then he got out this book. This... this horrible, black book. And suddenly it wasn’t so funny. He called on the stars to change our fates, and curse us if one was false to the others. There was a hum and... green spiraling things... things an earth pony can’t really explain.”
Well, there's that. And it seems like what happened, or very close, which along with the black book, Starkatteri fortune teller, and the fact that prophesy does seem like it may be a feature of FIM, point to it being at least possible that it's real.
A few months after that, Jetstream snaps. Then Vanity walks away. Twist takes the enemy as her lover.
Fuck that, Shujaa wasn't the enemy! Ass. Course, Applesnack would have said worse.
I thought of that moment out on Star Point. Before I’d found out about Gardens and taint and... everything. Had my fate been changed there? Had I been supposed to die with a bullet through my head beside Marigold’s bones? Cursed to become the thing I was now? It was a chilling thought.
Well . . . it's a possibility. But then, it could also be that, especially given her heritage, it was just the stars nudging her back onto the path of destiny she'd always tread.
“I can’t imagine they do. Every colt and filly wished on stars back when you could see them. I did,” he said softly, hanging his head a little. He looked so glum that I wished I could give him a hug.
Instead, I did the next best thing. “So... tell me more about the adventures of Smiling Jack.” A small smile curled in the corner of his mouth.
This got me tearing up a bit.
Part of it was that I didn’t know how, but another wondered what would happen if I did try and push that connection. Would I be sucked in forever? Could the Goddess control my body while I was in there? Was it even possible?
Aw hell... it wasn’t the first time I’d ever done something completely clueless and heedless of the risks...
But . . . it's a big, red button! What do you want me to do? Just . . . not push it!? How is that even an option?
I wasn’t a smart pony, but I wasn’t as stupid as I used to be. Memory spells shared memories, and the Goddess was like a massive memory orb filled with countless recollections and souls.
On which note, she never did look in the orb she just extracted from Rampage.
Slowly the world around me faded to black as I struggled deeper and deeper into that pool. Swimming was a pretty alien concept to me, so I settled with sinking. Sinking I could handle.
There was a bit around the Celestia, but not too much. And, well, won't really get a chance to try it again for a while, what with having hundreds of extra pounds of metal.
Then I heard the voice and saw the distant blue glow. I moved towards it; for some reason I imagined myself as a white unicorn with a striped mane... and no metal.
Well, sure. Not hard to think of why, but she's busy at the moment.
At least here I could be normal.
Or maybe she does. In any case, though, "normal" is pretty relative, considering she's jumping in to Unity with newly-learned magic, using a connection to the hive mind that was forced on her by mutations and the actions of her friend.
One was looking down upon a village of zebras, and I thought that one of them looked a bit like Xenith... of course, they all looked kinda similar.
Well . . . she tries, at least.
Out. Awaken. Leave. Vacate! I struggled to pull myself out of this void and back to myself. Maybe if I got into myself, I could warn someone! Spike! I could tell him! He’d warn Homage! He could tell everypony! The Enclave and Goddess... together?! It had to be stopped.
Yeah, somehow I don't think that's happening.
Out. Awaken. Leave. Vacate! I struggled to pull myself out of this void and back to myself. Maybe if I got into myself, I could warn someone! Spike! I could tell him! He’d warn Homage! He could tell everypony! The Enclave and Goddess... together?! It had to be stopped.
Nope. Sure, it's not as threatening as in the past, given we already know the Goddess can do this, and in this case Blackjack was about as connected as she could be while still in Hoofington, but still a fine way of letting the reader know what's going on, which of course is an interesting contrast with the way FOE was narrated, with missing memories forming gaps in the story as well.
I want to thank everypony for reading as far as they have. It’s my dream to finish PH this year.
Well, there's one dream that died.
I want to thank everypony for reading as far as they have. It’s my dream to finish PH this year.
Eeugh. I'm still sorry you had to go through that.
- Chapter Fifty Three Overall Thoughts:
But before that, the biggest events that really happen here are front-loaded at the hospital, where Blackjack gets her new legs, having busted them fighting Deus. These are the blue-black heavy combat ones, and came with reinforcements of the rest of her body, including parts that are externally visible on the chest, shoulders, and spine. This also gives us two plot hooks: Blackjack helping out the Collegiate (clearing out Roseluck Agrifarms) and taking care of Rover's thing with the Enclave. But those will come later. We get a little more detail about what's wrong with Sky Striker, in that it seems like his body has forgotten how to heal itself, which will be confirmed later on along with just why. In the meantime, he's being kept in stasis. Scotch, in possession of Blackjack's PipBuck, sees the Dealer, and recognizes him from a character sheet they'd found earlier, the one for "Smiling Jack," Echo's character.
While Blackjack is under, she sees an orb of Horse and Diamond Flash at a convention in Hoofington, which (along with continually emphasizing what a loathsome pig and petty egotist Horse is) introduces the Tokomare, the gigantic mass of starmetal below the Core, and how great amounts of energy can be extracted from it. We also see Amadi, a Starkatteri zebra who is part of the program, and who continues a devotion to the stars; he offers, of course, the view that the Tokomare is the Eater of Souls, in contrast to Horse's belief it is staggeringly advanced technology. Additionally, the use of mechasprites near the Tokomare is shown, which is fairly chilling since, well, the test from way back indicated some unpleasant failure modes.
The segment also includes Doctor Toko, who as an Asian (Neighponese) stereotype outdoes Lotus and Aloe: yellow, black hair, eyes coming to points, and an accent. Let it never be said that Somber only one-ups FoE/Kkat in his writing. ;)
Then we have Blackjack back at Chapel, where she again learns some things, like just how loaded they are. Precious has a couple moments, but more importantly there's an indication that Horse may have been grabbing stable materials from Stable-Tec in addition to Goldenblood, without his knowledge, and it's revealed he's working on copying a Crusader's ability to upload a living mind. Also, he acts like a pig and one memo he gets back includes a passed-along message from Sweetie Belle that she hopes he gets tetanus from the Sweetie Bot. Sadly, I believe he never does. More on point, the last memo in the logs is one where presumably one of the CMC asks Luna what Project Horizons is. Then there's a recorded conversation between Goldenblood and Trottenheimer about starmetal, and especially its interaction with moonstone, in which Goldenblood asks just what would happen if you had a reaction of 10,000 metric tons of moonstone with a thousand times as much starmetal. Trottenheimer answers: the planet would still be there, and would probably still have oceans and an atmosphere. But don't worry; Goldenblood was just curious. After all, how would you get that much moonstone to Equestria anyway?
This brings us to Deus. He comes back. He wants to follow Blackjack around because what else is he supposed to do. That was probably the comedic high point of the chapter, immediately following the low point of Blackjack and Rampage doing the "yes as in"/"no as in" dance with him since he can only nod or shake his turrets, as he can't speak for some reason. Anyway, he's allowed to stay with them provided P-21 has a way of crippling or destroying him, which he agrees to, and P-21 goes about removing the kill switches that would obviously be there in case Deus decided to go rogue against Dawn. Notably, Deus seems very interested in Rampage, but he didn't know it was her at first because he'd never seen her in filly form. Which makes sense, but at the same time, how many red and white striped ponies are there? Anyway, it seems like the interest could well be related to Twist, since it's possible he's seen her when Twist took over at some point while they were both Reapers. On the subject of Twist: she came out when he was approaching, and Blackjack got some memories extracted from her, which she hasn't had a chance to look at yet, and a name, Peppermint, as something emotionally important to her. Juxtaposed with the recent memory including Twist's "feral beast"/"pet", there's a temptation to put them together.
Blackjack goes back to Star House, since they figure if Dawn or someone sees her on Deus's feeds they may just blow him up remotely. She takes a nap, and of course has a Psalm dream. It focuses on her and Garnet, and indicates some important facts: Project Redoubt is at Black Pony Mountain; Partypooper was ordered by Garnet, not Luna, after they knew the world was going to end as a way of getting back at the people who were involved, as she saw it, in the plans to have a bunch of the O.I.A. put on trial for war crimes after the conclusion of the war; and someone with really high clearance locked the Redoubt, with Garnet suspecting Horse; the Princesses are dead in Canterlot, along with Rarity and Fluttershy. Garnet lets Psalm know that Rainbow Dash is probably dead, vaporized in Cloudsdale, but that Twilight was at Maripony, which while balefired, was still standing, and Applejack may have made it to Stable Two. Before leaving to complete her mission, for all that it's now meaningless, as a measure of revenge, Psalm just leaves Garnet there to die of radiation poisoning, not shooting her, and even taking the knife that someone (probably Garnet) had used to stab Onyx to death.
Next up, Blackjack gets to talk a bit with the Dealer, confirming that he's Echo. The big bit of information he drops is something related to the Marauders. He tells of how they, when they were just friends right out of basic, went to a zebra fortune teller, who said that they'd all die nameless deaths in the next year. But! He could change their fates—he could make it so that they'd be Equestria's greatest heroes, as long as they always stuck together; however, if any of them should ever leave the others, he would die, and the rest would suffer far worse than he. They agreed, and we see the zebra use the black book and call upon the stars to change their fates, with a whole light show, before he disappears. The next day they were all assigned to an experimental combined forces squad, and before long they were doing things they'd never thought possible. Then one day, years later, Stonewing is lost, and they aren't aware that he's just in the hospital. They start worrying, then Big Mac announces he's leaving, and doesn't believe in the curse; besides, family is most important, and he's met someone he's going to raise a family with, after one last mission, protecting Celestia at the Shattered Hoof Ridge peace conference. Well, he dies, and then things start going to shit for the rest. Echo says he still doesn't believe in zebra curses and the power of the stars—after all, all the colts and fillies used to wish on the stars, and what did that ever do?—but given what he knows, perhaps he's not being entirely forthright. Or he's really, really siding with Cognitum's viewpoint. Anyway, Blackjack of course connects this all to her experience at Star Point, and wonders if she may have altered her fate there, if perhaps she had really been meant to just die there, a bullet in her head that she put there.
After this, Blackjack decides it's a good idea to plunge into Unity to see what's going on, because she's reckless and unfathomably stupid on a pretty regularly basis. After learning that "she has it" and the like (Littlepip, black book, but Blackjack doesn't get those details) and discussion of whether "she" should be brought into Unity or killed, Blackjack finds out the Goddess is making an alliance with the Enclave against Red Eye. They provide extra firepower, she gives them access to magic. They keep the skies and get support against Thunderhead, she keeps the ground. Everyone's happy. (It should be noted, by the way, that some of the visuals in this section were pretty good.) Now, Blackjack does not escape unscathed once discovered by the Goddess/Trixie, after being warned to run by Twilight. She's told that she'll be brought into Unity soon, but not yet, and then takes her memories of the encounter.
Now, in addition to the heavy plot driving elements of the chapter, and the related character moments (Deus's interest in Rampage, and Peppermint, for example), there is some good work done with Glory. At the start, she's taking charge with an energy and forcefulness we normally don't see from her, as she's working to save as many of the wounded from the battle at Blueblood Manor as possible, with her father's condition hanging over her. Her response to one patient's death was interesting, very professional, with a moment of sober loss before moving on to the next. After further help arrives, Triage, Blackjack convinces her to see to Sky Striker, saying she needs to talk to him if he's still alive, and to say goodbye if he isn't. Much later on, as Blackjack is waking from her Psalm dream, there's more, which is more focused on them. Blackjack was sleeping curled up with Boo, nuzzling her on waking. In a sweet, adorable moment, on noticing Glory she blushes and says she didn't do anything. Glory knows, but asks if she wanted to. Blackjack says only if Boo said she wanted to, and Glory was okay with it, but on a purely physical level . . . it's cut off, but if the physical level were just a "no," then all the lead-up to it probably wasn't necessary, or at least she could have gotten that part out in the end. Now, Glory is trying to process this, and more generally Blackjack's different outlook on sex. It's not the easiest thing for her, after all, and she doesn't know if in the end it's something she can accept. But for now, it's just who she is, and the most important thing is that for all the crazy, painful stuff that happens to Blackjack, Glory doesn't want Blackjack to leave her out or get left behind, no matter what. Blackjack assures her she won't. I need to say that the setup for this was well done, building off of an earlier interaction with Boo. Upon returning to Star House, Blackjack found Boo restless and agitated. She'd just been told that Boo hadn't taken well to Blackjack's absence, and that it wasn't snack cakes; the rest of the group had taken care of that. So Blackjack pieces together that Boo didn't like being left behind and separated from Blackjack, and Blackjack decides that even though it'll be dangerous for her, to avoid a different kind of pain, she'll need to bring Boo along in the future. This coming about organically, to be followed up with the conversation with Glory, threw the latter into high relief, and based on what happens at the end of the Thunderhead arc and thereafter, it's not too hard to see that Blackjack was probably more successful in keeping her promise to Boo than Glory, which of course feeds in to their relationship following the reunion after Blackjack's months in the Core—with Boo.Too late tonight. Related other chapter editing tomorrow.
- Chapter Fifty Three Editing:
only one space after periods
wearing a shooty look all its own. Glory, her hide spattered and streaked
only one space after period
“We’re in charge he-“
second hyphen/dash for dash, quotation mark inverted
“I will, even if I must imbibe the wastewater in the little filly’s room,
should probably be "fillies' room" (like men's room, women's room, etc.)
If not…” she hesitated for an instant, glancing back at the bandage-wrapped form of her father.
should have second space after quotation, capitalize "she"
and a bunch of jabber that I think is zebra.
It sounds like she's talking about the language (since not "zebras"), so I think "zebra" should be capitalized
and finally leaned towards me. “Blackjack…
only one space after period
I don’t want…” I began, then slammed the back of my head against
should have only one space after quotation
“You can do that?” I asked in surprise.
should have only one space after quotation
only much more reinforced. Instead of armoring around
only one space after period
You all know Flash Industries’ fine products
Flash Industries's?
selectable beam focus, wavelength, pulse energy and refire rate!
comma after "energy"
Well now, witness the next generation in energy products from Flash!”
comma after "well" instead of "now"?
“Oh my! Perhaps we
should have second space after exclamation point
I… What an
should have second space after ellipsis or not capitalize "What"
shouldn’t be surprised anymore.” He smirked down
only one space after period
He lead her through the small access door and down
"led"
“And ‘Applications of Technology,’”
comma shoudl be outside single quotation marks
It has an peculiar atomic structure capable
"a peculiar"
An odd, small yellow mare with strange pointed eyes and a black mane pulled into a bun trotted up and passed her a small plastic canister on a plastic thong. “Here. Take this,” she said in an odd accent.
only one space after period, I'd suggest replacing the second "odd" with something else, like "unfamiliar"
passed a set to Diamond. Instantly everything was
only one space after period
“Flash Industries’ finest,” Horse chuckled a
"Flash Industries's"?
Tiny metal orbs fluttered in a swarm around the platform, then swooped into large drums along the elevator above, humming like massive bee hives.
"beehives"; also, right now it's saying that the orbs are humming like beehives, you might want to change "humming like" to something like "making them hum like" so that the descriptor matches
“Sure. Give the system a workout,” Harmonia said.
only one space after period
“Ashtar. Shurrak. Dagon. Spare us your wrath and grant the daring a fraction of your power.”
Chapter 66:
How has Discord marred your celestial orbits? Please! I beg thee. Ashur. Dagon. Namtar. Show me…”
Should these match? At least Ashtar/Ashur?
Then she smiled. “I’ll get started tonight
only one space after period
needed was for somepony --notably Twilight Sparkle and her friends, but others, too-- to do the one thing
symmetrical spacing about dashes?
He reached over to a tray, lifted my black collar up with this two fingers,
"his two fingers", just "two fingers"?
internally and called it good.” Suddenly the mare
three spaces after quotation
but when we finished and laid on the bed with our limbs tangled together,
"lay"
Elements of Harmony and make everything better..
extra period
“We gotta get them Harbringers,” Scotch Tape muttered sleepily as P-21 tugged her across his back.
"Harbingers" unless she got in wrong in her fatigue
I asked with a snort. “Do you think I’ll ever have to do something like that again?”
only one space after period
Redoubt? Maybe…
only one space after question mark
Where else had Goldenblood gotten a Crusader maneframe for Twilight
"maneframe" should be capitalized
“That’s what I’d like to know!” I shouted at the terminal,
should have only one space after quotation
Stuff gives me the heebie jeebies!
"heebie-jeebies"
I paused and looked back at her and the furious look in her eyes. On her flank,
only one space after period
Her entire face twitched with aggravation, I might not have been a morale officer but even I could tell she was close to snapping.
comma to semicolon or period
You can hold onto it till after the battle.
"hold on to"
reveal a cone of beaten metal. Then he turned so I could
three spaces after period
side to the armor. Radio detonated. Shaped charge
only one space after periods
Or its brain.” I stared at him
only one space after period
“Triage bet it would only take you eight,” Rampage snickered
should have only one space after quotation
pointed right at me. Okay
only one space after period
hopeful smile. “Right?
only one space after period
“Oh, let me guess?,” Rampage said as she hopped
should have only one of question mark and comma
I frowned, “Haven’t you ever seen her like this?”
should have speaking verb, or comma should be period
What’s sane?” Rampage asked as she stopped
should have only one space after quotation
heavier than I was used to. Instead, I scraped
only one space after period
I really missed my fingers! It seemed Shadowbolt
three spaces after exclamation point
“Ahah! There you are. Wired to… well… something. Hmmm.” His hooves went limp. “Is that the radio? Ahah! There!
"Aha"
you and me should--“
inverted quotation mark
Inside, I spotted Scotch Tape laying on her side with Boo,
"lying"
blanketed the land. You could almost imagine
only one space after period
I came around, both SMG’s rising up as my
"SMGs"
embedded in her neck. Another one
three spaces after period
You stupid damn bitch!” she cackled as she pointed her hoof at me.
“You unbelievable dumb shit!” Garnet roared with
should have only one space after quotation
ended, you… me…Trueblood… we’d all
should have space after second ellipsis
I lifted one of the SMG’s at her cackling, bloody
"SMGs"
Finish me you killing fuck!” she screamed as she
should have only one space after quotation
swallowed, looking aside. “I didn’t
only one space after period
sigh from her lips. She
four spaces after period
“But you saw-” I began,
second hyphen/dash for dash
I saw Big Macintosh die. I called in the
only one space after period
Loyal and true forever and ever...”
“Then Stonewing
Paragraph shouldn't end with closing quotation mark
“Oh not just a death!” Dealer snapped, “A hero’s
comma after "Oh"? comma to period
drag to infiltrate a monastery, fighting
should have only one space after comma
Her hips devolved into a glowing ameboid mass stretching out around
"amoeboid"
By the side of the Goddess’ head floated a translucent, membranous balloon connected by a meaty filament to the Goddess’ temple
"Goddess's"
images all across Equestria. Most of them were
only one space after period
been proved to work. What kind of scientist
only one space after period
I really was a self centered nag, wasn’t I?
"self-centered"
It looked like it was ‘Fun with Codewords’ time again.
"Code Words"
HE HAS ABUSED THE GODDESS’ TRUST, AND SO WE
KEEP THEM WITH THE GODDESS’ BLESSING.
THE GODDESS’ CHILDREN SHALL RULE BELOW
WING OF THE GODDESS’ CHILDREN WITH YOU
AUDACITY WHEN ALL THE GODDESS’ GIFTS ARE PRESENTED
"GODDESS'S"
“What...” The Goddess began,
"The" shouldn't be capitalized
Shitshitshitohshitohshi-
second hyphen/dash for dash
“Sneaky sneaky, Blackjack.
comma after first "sneaky"?
“I guess you and me should--“
quotation mark in wrong direction
inverted quotation mark
I bowed my head and clapsed my hooves.
"clasped"
around the village and towards towards the road between it and the bridge.
delete extra "towards"
just wished I had something that could pierce its armor that was less… melee-dependant.
"dependent"
The glowing cloud emerged from Rampage’s forehead like a little radiant stormcloud
maybe change one of the clouds to something that looks similar; a cloud emerging like a storm cloud just reads poorly. "storm cloud" if you're keeping that one
It scares me when you have thoughts like that,” Trottenhimer said, then sighed.
"Trottenheimer"
Trottenhimer laughed, though it was a little strained.
"Trottenheimer"
When Trottenhimer said that, Goldenblood gave a wrenching laugh.
"Trottenheimer"
Nearby sat a heap of gemstones. Precious climbed atop the pile
only one space after period
The sixth panel, do you mean?Icy Shake wrote:But then, that also happens elsewhere, for instance with last Friday's Girl Genius, on the fifth panel.
Um… Maybe… :DIcy Shake wrote:(Incidentally, I wouldn't be surprised if these guys were pretty high up on O. Hind's list of favorite fictional monastic orders.)
It's the quote, though; I think that this one is supposed to be like that.Icy Shake wrote:only one space after periods
…Hm. I'm not sure if this was a typo or not originally, but I rather like that idea.Icy Shake wrote:"Harbingers" unless she got in wrong in her fatigue
You've not said where here.Icy Shake wrote:inverted quotation mark
Hm…Icy Shake wrote:maybe change one of the clouds to something that looks similar; a cloud emerging like a storm cloud just reads poorly. "storm cloud" if you're keeping that one
I eventually decided to go with "The glowing cloud emerged from Rampage’s forehead like a… um… like a little glowing cloud coming out of somepony’s forehead."
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vinylshadow Tue Sep 02, 2014 10:58 am
At least she's consistent when it comes to describing things
gah, forgot how much location exposition was in MNS (or any other FoE fic, really)
"Let's describe a single room in 20 paragraphs"
gah, forgot how much location exposition was in MNS (or any other FoE fic, really)
"Let's describe a single room in 20 paragraphs"
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Tue Sep 02, 2014 7:40 pm
. . . Yes. I think I missed that there were three panels in the top row when looking that up again.O. Hinds wrote:The sixth panel, do you mean?Icy Shake wrote:But then, that also happens elsewhere, for instance with last Friday's Girl Genius, on the fifth panel.
Looking back, it seems that was an example of cut/paste resulting in double-tagging the one case.O. Hinds wrote:You've not said where here.Icy Shake wrote:inverted quotation mark
Hey, using it as an opportunity to add a joke is something I'd get behind. Sure, there are places that would be a bad idea (obvious example: the Seahorse), but I certainly don't think this is one of them.O. Hinds wrote:Hm…Icy Shake wrote:maybe change one of the clouds to something that looks similar; a cloud emerging like a storm cloud just reads poorly. "storm cloud" if you're keeping that one
I eventually decided to go with "The glowing cloud emerged from Rampage’s forehead like a… um… like a little glowing cloud coming out of somepony’s forehead."
- Other Chapter Editing:
- :21
‘Rainbow Dash, you seen anything like this before? That nutjob Trottenhiemer whipped it up. Does it have anything to do with the work he did for you?’
unless misspelled in the note itself, "Trottenheimer"
:28
Starfall and Horizons were Trottenhiemer’s.
"Trottenheimer"
:30
Fluttershy said, then clapsed her hooves over her mouth.
"clasped"
A Crusader maneframe. A magical and technological wonder. “There were only a few made across Equestria, and only for critical projects.”
"maneframe" should be capitalized
So if there was a Crusader maneframe out there, or its equivalent,
"maneframe" should be capitalized
39:
I imagined a rogue Crusader maneframe, or something like it.
"maneframe" should be capitalized
:51
“We don’t want the local population to get dependant on donated food and medicine,” she said lamely.
"dependent"
:59
feet long hanging down from an immense black stormcloud.
"storm cloud"
:62.1
fire erupting from every port and seam as the stormclouds boiled away,
"storm clouds"
:62.2
sheared away and its supporting stormclouds nothing but tatters.
"storm clouds"
:64
“And if I’m out?” Trottenhiemer asked.
"Trottenheimer"
:65
A veritable stormcloud of mechasprites whirled and curled around them
"storm cloud"
:68
The first time was when you managed to fire Trottenhiemer’s Folly.
"Trottenheimer"
“I once asked Trottenhimer the same question.
"Trottenheimer"
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Tue Sep 02, 2014 8:23 pm
@Icy Shake:
And thank you again.
Your 68 errors were actually in 67, though.
And thank you again.
Your 68 errors were actually in 67, though.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vexd Tue Sep 02, 2014 10:41 pm
Vinylshadow wrote:What yellow earth pony?
The one that decided to show off by chugging a bottle of taint and got to reenact his favorite scene from John Carpenter's The Thing for his trouble
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Somber Wed Sep 03, 2014 3:13 am
I just got a PM from someone named lexart with dropbox files.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Bootleg Wed Sep 03, 2014 6:31 am
It's probably porn. Lots and lots of kinky porn.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Wed Sep 03, 2014 7:56 am
Yeah, I wouldn't open that on a computer you care about, unless they explain themselves.Somber wrote:I just got a PM from someone named lexart with dropbox files.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Silver136 Wed Sep 03, 2014 7:57 am
Even after they explain themselves if it sounds odd.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vinylshadow Wed Sep 03, 2014 1:41 pm
Always feels weird to re-read a story after knowing what happens
The Crusaders/Finders/Whatever mentioning Arloste gave me pause for a while
The Crusaders/Finders/Whatever mentioning Arloste gave me pause for a while
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by FeatherDust Wed Sep 03, 2014 3:45 pm
I'd recommend opening it on an Apple computer. If it's something malicious, chances are it won't work, and if it does, you've only bricked an Apple.SilentCarto wrote:Yeah, I wouldn't open that on a computer you care about, unless they explain themselves.Somber wrote:I just got a PM from someone named lexart with dropbox files.
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