[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
+47
Third Wind
Scienza
Admiral Stoic Rum
Tytan
Necr0maNceR
cb5
Karasu
Exodus Hero
Aonee
Revan Seiei
FoolNeim
Plasticube
Technowolf
Mister Nikel
TalixZero
Vixie
WovenTales
FeatherDust
Ketchup
Sparklecake
Kaidon
Luminous Lead
Frost
thatguyvex
hawkeye92
Kippershy
StoneSlinger88
Somber
Downloaded Skill
Valikdu
Katarn
WavemasterRyx
RoboRed
Vergil
Harmony Ltd.
Derpmind
ARoundCorner
Caoimhe
Meleagridis
tylertoon2
SilentCarto
HillBilly-Drew
Evilgidgit
O. Hinds
Moodyman90
Icy Shake
CD
51 posters
Page 18 of 29
Page 18 of 29 • 1 ... 10 ... 17, 18, 19 ... 23 ... 29
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Yeah, I loved that line too!WavemasterRyx wrote:I really enjoyed Lancer's telling of the zebra creation myth, and I'm definitely going to have to remember "Believe it or don't. The story doesn't care." in case I ever need to use it.
I think that's the strong implication here. Somebody earlier noticed a synchronicity between the "twelve and one" and the Legate's family. The Legate has eleven wives, not counting Lancer's mother -- which would mean he originally had 12 wives. Five bits says there's one each from the 12 tribes, and that leaves the Legate to be "the one", the Starkatteri.It's an interesting comment by Rampage that the Legate is not of the tribe he claims to be. Between that and the Brood of Coyotl, it really makes me wonder if the Legate is a Starkatteri.
FeatherDust- Hydra
- Posts : 546
Brohoof! : 112
Join date : 2012-05-25
Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
I seriously said that earlier, I even credited the reddit comment I for it from.
Aonee- Draconequus
- Posts : 12338
Brohoof! : 98
Join date : 2012-05-11
Age : 28
Location : East Texas
Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
"At first, only one tribe answered him: the Roamani. They are a martial tribe, what many think of when they think of the war. Duty and sacrifice are their creed."
Where exactly did Vanity get those guns..?
Where exactly did Vanity get those guns..?
FeatherDust- Hydra
- Posts : 546
Brohoof! : 112
Join date : 2012-05-25
Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Ummm... Okay? You sound offended, but I'm not sure why. I did say "somebody" had said it earlier,I just didn't feel like digging back through to find the name right at that second...Aonee wrote:I seriously said that earlier, I even credited the reddit comment I for it from.
FeatherDust- Hydra
- Posts : 546
Brohoof! : 112
Join date : 2012-05-25
Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
So a pegasus farm is a Dr Seuss nightmare.
That is awesome.
That is awesome.
Caoimhe- Alicorn
- Posts : 1182
Brohoof! : 264
Join date : 2012-07-11
Location : Providence, RI
Character List:
Name: Comma, Splice
Sex: Female
Species: Sentence fragment
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Eh, just forget what I said and don't worry about it.FeatherDust wrote:Ummm... Okay? You sound offended, but I'm not sure why. I did say "somebody" had said it earlier,I just didn't feel like digging back through to find the name right at that second...Aonee wrote:I seriously said that earlier, I even credited the reddit comment I for it from.
Aonee- Draconequus
- Posts : 12338
Brohoof! : 98
Join date : 2012-05-11
Age : 28
Location : East Texas
Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
I think he was implying that they have a... family tradition, if you get my drift.FeatherDust wrote:...Ohhh, NOW I get it. "Well bred." Twister wasn't showing disdain for aristocracy that could bribe its scions into early promotions, but rather implying that those three slept their way into a high rank. Got it.
It wouldn't make much sense for zebras to create paired guns enchanted to be easily levitated and aimed as one. Which isn't to say he couldn't have adopted a Roamani expression for their names, and possibly as a personal motto.FeatherDust wrote:"At first, only one tribe answered him: the Roamani. They are a martial tribe, what many think of when they think of the war. Duty and sacrifice are their creed."
Where exactly did Vanity get those guns..?
SilentCarto- Alicorn
- Posts : 1585
Brohoof! : 393
Join date : 2012-05-08
Age : 45
Location : Texas
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Hey everybody, I wanna bring up this theory I've been considering cord a while now: Blackjack is the Element of Magic. Let me explain.
The first objection I can think of, and therefore what I'll address first, is BJ's summary lack of magical talent. The first thing about this is the irony in it fits perfectly in with all the crap that happens to BJ. The second is the increase in magic usage we've been seeing in her since 34, from light spells to accidental teleportation, the latter of which has happened much like her purple ancestor back in the first season of the show.
My next point takes a bit more explaining. First, we must acknowledge that Magic=Friendship, shown in the Elements of Harmony, Twilight's ascension spell, etc. And what does our white mare in shining armor do after she defeats most all of her named enemies? Have them join the party for some amount of time, or otherwise get them to reform, found in Dues, Sanguine, and even (at least one) of the bucks from the boat.
Now, excuse me for bringing outside headcanon in, but as explained in Nimaru's analysis of Twilight Sparkle (found here), the Element of Magic could also be considered the Element Of Love. There's many facets of the in Blackjack, from Glory to get war on monogamy and more, but it doesn't stop there. As evident in the story, BJ wants to save everyone she can, ponies, zebras, minotaurs, even slavers and raiders as long as their willing to do better with their second chance. After going through all she's been through, Blackjack still wants to save all of them. How can that not be a love for all, perpetuated by her constant understanding of even her enemies. And she loves her enemies, because, in that moment when she understands them, truly understands them enough to defeat them, she realizes she loves them, much in the way they love themselves.
I hope that ramble made sense, I can't really say I'm the best at expressing my ideas fluently.
The first objection I can think of, and therefore what I'll address first, is BJ's summary lack of magical talent. The first thing about this is the irony in it fits perfectly in with all the crap that happens to BJ. The second is the increase in magic usage we've been seeing in her since 34, from light spells to accidental teleportation, the latter of which has happened much like her purple ancestor back in the first season of the show.
My next point takes a bit more explaining. First, we must acknowledge that Magic=Friendship, shown in the Elements of Harmony, Twilight's ascension spell, etc. And what does our white mare in shining armor do after she defeats most all of her named enemies? Have them join the party for some amount of time, or otherwise get them to reform, found in Dues, Sanguine, and even (at least one) of the bucks from the boat.
Now, excuse me for bringing outside headcanon in, but as explained in Nimaru's analysis of Twilight Sparkle (found here), the Element of Magic could also be considered the Element Of Love. There's many facets of the in Blackjack, from Glory to get war on monogamy and more, but it doesn't stop there. As evident in the story, BJ wants to save everyone she can, ponies, zebras, minotaurs, even slavers and raiders as long as their willing to do better with their second chance. After going through all she's been through, Blackjack still wants to save all of them. How can that not be a love for all, perpetuated by her constant understanding of even her enemies. And she loves her enemies, because, in that moment when she understands them, truly understands them enough to defeat them, she realizes she loves them, much in the way they love themselves.
I hope that ramble made sense, I can't really say I'm the best at expressing my ideas fluently.
Aonee- Draconequus
- Posts : 12338
Brohoof! : 98
Join date : 2012-05-11
Age : 28
Location : East Texas
Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Well it makes more sense than her being the element of generocity. Unless you count all she has given/lost as generocity
Reminds me of shortly after season 3 ended i went "So is Twilight the princess of friendship now?" I was correted that she was the princess of magic and i let it drop despite the fact i was still correct because in the context of the show friendship is the strongest of magics and Twilight wouldn't have become an alicorn without it.
Now, in FoE its stated that while Littlepip wasn't an element bearer she was still the spark and even with as limited interaction as they had together, that puts Blackjack as a better canidate than some random pony from the waste who only heard of her story.
P.S. wow this is annoying to type all this by phone.
Reminds me of shortly after season 3 ended i went "So is Twilight the princess of friendship now?" I was correted that she was the princess of magic and i let it drop despite the fact i was still correct because in the context of the show friendship is the strongest of magics and Twilight wouldn't have become an alicorn without it.
Now, in FoE its stated that while Littlepip wasn't an element bearer she was still the spark and even with as limited interaction as they had together, that puts Blackjack as a better canidate than some random pony from the waste who only heard of her story.
P.S. wow this is annoying to type all this by phone.
Moodyman90- Draconequus
- Posts : 8257
Brohoof! : 163
Join date : 2012-05-09
Age : 34
Character List:
Name: Moody Blues/ Moodstone
Sex: Male/ Male
Species: Earth Pony/ Unicorn
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Oh I know, I was contemplating nor posting that link, but u had to find it anyway to remember the artist's name. Also, the galaxy's swipe-to-type feature helps s lot.
Aonee- Draconequus
- Posts : 12338
Brohoof! : 98
Join date : 2012-05-11
Age : 28
Location : East Texas
Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Now while i agree with aonee i would like to save the confermation of if thats true or not till the end. or at least somewhere in story and not here haha.
Moodyman90- Draconequus
- Posts : 8257
Brohoof! : 163
Join date : 2012-05-09
Age : 34
Character List:
Name: Moody Blues/ Moodstone
Sex: Male/ Male
Species: Earth Pony/ Unicorn
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
That's your opinion, but I think that's a loss. I love it when these theories get jossed!Moodyman90 wrote:Now while i agree with aonee i would like to save the confirmation of if thats true or not till the end. or at least somewhere in story and not here haha.
From shattered opinions are scavenged great thoughts. Rather than one wrong thought you get lots!
As for Blackjack... you know, I don't think it works. I'll try to explain without being a jerk.
She's friendly, it's true. She's got companions, too. She's got the most essential ingredient: she's the glue.
But her magic is outshone by some other virtue: she'll make a close friend of those who would hurt you.
She's the Sword, cutting through, a light in the black. No other exposes the truth like old Jack.
From monsters to angels and fallen great sinners she shows bright as day there's no losers or winners.
She shows it's just you at the end of the day. No black and no white and not even grey.
No excuses are left to pardon the crime, all that remains is a life and some time.
The wisest will stop, repentant shall listen. She'll beg from two eyes that can no longer glisten.
"Use that time well, there's two paths to take. You can do worse or do better, it's your choice to make."
And that, I think, outweighs simple leadership (though opinions may vary among all the readership)
It's something much more than forgiveness as well, though exactly what that is... I can't tell.
Meleagridis- Ursa Major
- Posts : 866
Brohoof! : 134
Join date : 2012-05-09
Location : Location, Location
Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
I'd wager that Blackjack is actually a "new" element and in actuality the avatar of the wasteland and the destruction of the old ways, namely in technology and ascended spirit. She's not chaos, because chaos was personified and designed for a particular period of the status quo. She's basically a deus ex machina of the entire way of pony existence and beyond. She wins every fight when everything's against her because the reality she burst into can't handle her. That's why she is the Maiden of the Stars. She's a godmode type figure that doesn't fit in with her current plane of existence and explains the constant wars with herself.
Compare BJ to Pippers who was a true messiah archetype who did everything in the name of the Princesses, even though they are gone. BJ is the anti-Pip but not as a polar opposite but on a parallel
Wish I had more time to elaborate on this. Arghh.
Compare BJ to Pippers who was a true messiah archetype who did everything in the name of the Princesses, even though they are gone. BJ is the anti-Pip but not as a polar opposite but on a parallel
Wish I had more time to elaborate on this. Arghh.
Caoimhe- Alicorn
- Posts : 1182
Brohoof! : 264
Join date : 2012-07-11
Location : Providence, RI
Character List:
Name: Comma, Splice
Sex: Female
Species: Sentence fragment
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Let's hold off on any judgements on that until we find out what's happened to her magic since she lost the Unity. I have a feeling Twi was supporting her magic in some way, and she's not going to find it so easy to teleport anymore.Aonee wrote:The first objection I can think of, and therefore what I'll address first, is BJ's summary lack of magical talent. The first thing about this is the irony in it fits perfectly in with all the crap that happens to BJ. The second is the increase in magic usage we've been seeing in her since 34, from light spells to accidental teleportation, the latter of which has happened much like her purple ancestor back in the first season of the show.
I agree. Somber, I'd prefer you remained silent on this, especially if it's true. If you really want to shoot it down immediately, I guess that's fine, but my preferred response would be a cryptic smile.Moodyman90 wrote:Now while i agree with aonee i would like to save the confermation of if thats true or not till the end. or at least somewhere in story and not here haha.
SilentCarto- Alicorn
- Posts : 1585
Brohoof! : 393
Join date : 2012-05-08
Age : 45
Location : Texas
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Same here with regards to confirmation. If takes the fun out of WMG'ing. And while Twilight could have been supporting BJ's magic, I believe she was still regaining magical usage before Unity- see her light ball spell, before her exposure to mass amounts of taint and cloud.
Aonee- Draconequus
- Posts : 12338
Brohoof! : 98
Join date : 2012-05-11
Age : 28
Location : East Texas
Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
I'm afraid I must preface this with an apology for its lengthy, rambling, utter incoherence.
I've always seen Blackjack as closer to Generosity than Magic. It's perhaps the case, though, that a major contributor to this was simply that from a physical magic perspective, she has historically not been gifted. Depending on the outcome of her magical proficiency post-Goddess, that may no longer be an argument against Magic. Also, the fact I like Rarity more than Twilight likely also plays a role, even if I don't mean it to.
Moreover, seeing Magic as Friendship or Love, particularly if interpreted as Caritas, then I could see most of what I always considered arguments in favor of Blackjack-as-Generosity being applied to her as the Element of Magic.
Naturally, the first place my mind always took me was to forgiveness: after all, forgiveness can only be given, never earned (like love). Blackjack's incredible capacity for forgiveness is one of the things that really makes her stand out to me. Merciful judgement, in turn, is one of the key aspects of Charity and—I would argue—not just an important contrast with the Wasteland as a whole, but with Littlepip in particular. And it's in large part because of that that I've long seen Blackjack as a greater figure of hope for the Wasteland than Littlepip herself: Littlepip basically acts as an exceptionally powerful and proficient raider pointed in a positive direction; Blackjack advances (at least to a first approximation) the same ends, but with means that go counter to what's expected in the Wastes—mercy in victory and attempts to end cycles of violence and hate not merely through the eviceration of the vanquished but through their redemption.
Now, one of the reasons that I believe that Blackjack may represent the Element of Caritas—whether that be Magic or Charity—is that her giving nature and particularly her forgiveness do not come from simple emotional responses, but from deeper within herself; notably there was the case of Roses's rapist, by whom Blackjack was disgusted, whom she desperately wished she could kill, but found she could not. Certainly, this aspect of her personality was not achieved by equine effort, but innate to her very being. I may come back to that later*. Now, this ties in with her role as a deconstruction of the Messiah figure, or perhaps even more specifically as a Christ figure; she is there not only to save the deserving, but any who will accept the chance to do better than they have.
Moreover, I think to the times that she has given more than her life to do the right thing (see also Rarity, figurines). Chief among these is, naturally, the gassing of Stable 99. There's the argument, of course, that she meant to die in that act, but the fact that she saw that as taking the easy way out and sought it even though it was not necessary for the plan to work highlights to me that the greater sacrifice was her home, her idendity, her self-worth, what remained of her belief in herself. (As a side note, and to help degrade the average tone of this comment to something more like my norm, I'd like to say that I think that the "virtue of sacrifice" is utter bullshit and claptrap; the virtue is whatever motivated the sacrifice, not the sacrifice itself.) That brings me to what I see as the strongest argument against Blackjack being the Element of Caritas, whether Generosity or Magic: as a theological virtue, Caritas cannot be possesed in excess—one strictly improves with the posession of greater Caritas/Love, just as anything becomes only better with greater goodness, beauty, and truth. Yet it is her sense of what should be—a great part of what motivates her—that also contributes so much to her suicidal tendencies. In a way, though she so often despises herself, it could be argued that that comes from not a lack but an excess of pride, for it almost seems that her perspective is that she ought to be above sin, that she should be capable of always delivering the people she sets out to help and never fail or cause harm to one she didn't mean to; yet that is a standard she seemingly applies uniquely to herself, even after seeing—living in!—the manifest failings of those she had been taught to regard as goddesses and whom she had such a powerful reaction to, merely being in their presence in memories.
And I can't even say that Blackjack entirely personifies the positive aspects of Caritas. A quick checklist gives:
Yet for all this, being an Element was never so simple as exhibiting that quality in all its perfection; where Rarity is concerned, this may best be seen in "Green isn't Your Color"; where though she offered so much, it was ill given because it is not what Fluttershy desired. (It's worth noting that I see a parallel to this in the aftermath of the Deus arc in Flank, paired with a similar situation later in the Society where she does show more consideration and perceptiveness of what the community wants (and, more importantly,needs).) Or if not there, then the balancing of being a good sister or friend against the passion of her work and her image or the realization of her greatest personal desires, respectively, in "Sisterhood Social" and "Sweet and Elite."
And taking a more direct statement of the meaning of Caritas,
Or, of course
So in truth, I cannot speak against Blackjack as the Element of Magic, though I much more strongly feel the Caritas => Charity (particularly via Mercy/Forgiveness, but also by evidence of her great Sacrifices) => Generosity than Caritas => Love => Friendship => Magic.
*It turns out I never did, so I'll just make the bare-bones observation that Blackjack's moral weaknesses largely reflect poor mastery of Cardinal Virtues like, mainly, Prudence and Temperence, though arguably also Justice (in her possible forgiving not wisely but too well) and Fortitude (attempted suicide), Virtues that may be gained through effort and self-improvement (and with which she has improved over time!), which contrasts with her seemingly boundless Love for others, Hope, and Faith (ex-suicide), which in that system of philosophy cannot be achieved but are granted by the grace of God.
Ugh. Well, that done, I think it's time to run a comparison between Hendrick's, Plymouth, and Cadenhead's Old Raj to cool down the mind a bit.
I've always seen Blackjack as closer to Generosity than Magic. It's perhaps the case, though, that a major contributor to this was simply that from a physical magic perspective, she has historically not been gifted. Depending on the outcome of her magical proficiency post-Goddess, that may no longer be an argument against Magic. Also, the fact I like Rarity more than Twilight likely also plays a role, even if I don't mean it to.
Moreover, seeing Magic as Friendship or Love, particularly if interpreted as Caritas, then I could see most of what I always considered arguments in favor of Blackjack-as-Generosity being applied to her as the Element of Magic.
Naturally, the first place my mind always took me was to forgiveness: after all, forgiveness can only be given, never earned (like love). Blackjack's incredible capacity for forgiveness is one of the things that really makes her stand out to me. Merciful judgement, in turn, is one of the key aspects of Charity and—I would argue—not just an important contrast with the Wasteland as a whole, but with Littlepip in particular. And it's in large part because of that that I've long seen Blackjack as a greater figure of hope for the Wasteland than Littlepip herself: Littlepip basically acts as an exceptionally powerful and proficient raider pointed in a positive direction; Blackjack advances (at least to a first approximation) the same ends, but with means that go counter to what's expected in the Wastes—mercy in victory and attempts to end cycles of violence and hate not merely through the eviceration of the vanquished but through their redemption.
Now, one of the reasons that I believe that Blackjack may represent the Element of Caritas—whether that be Magic or Charity—is that her giving nature and particularly her forgiveness do not come from simple emotional responses, but from deeper within herself; notably there was the case of Roses's rapist, by whom Blackjack was disgusted, whom she desperately wished she could kill, but found she could not. Certainly, this aspect of her personality was not achieved by equine effort, but innate to her very being. I may come back to that later*. Now, this ties in with her role as a deconstruction of the Messiah figure, or perhaps even more specifically as a Christ figure; she is there not only to save the deserving, but any who will accept the chance to do better than they have.
Moreover, I think to the times that she has given more than her life to do the right thing (see also Rarity, figurines). Chief among these is, naturally, the gassing of Stable 99. There's the argument, of course, that she meant to die in that act, but the fact that she saw that as taking the easy way out and sought it even though it was not necessary for the plan to work highlights to me that the greater sacrifice was her home, her idendity, her self-worth, what remained of her belief in herself. (As a side note, and to help degrade the average tone of this comment to something more like my norm, I'd like to say that I think that the "virtue of sacrifice" is utter bullshit and claptrap; the virtue is whatever motivated the sacrifice, not the sacrifice itself.) That brings me to what I see as the strongest argument against Blackjack being the Element of Caritas, whether Generosity or Magic: as a theological virtue, Caritas cannot be possesed in excess—one strictly improves with the posession of greater Caritas/Love, just as anything becomes only better with greater goodness, beauty, and truth. Yet it is her sense of what should be—a great part of what motivates her—that also contributes so much to her suicidal tendencies. In a way, though she so often despises herself, it could be argued that that comes from not a lack but an excess of pride, for it almost seems that her perspective is that she ought to be above sin, that she should be capable of always delivering the people she sets out to help and never fail or cause harm to one she didn't mean to; yet that is a standard she seemingly applies uniquely to herself, even after seeing—living in!—the manifest failings of those she had been taught to regard as goddesses and whom she had such a powerful reaction to, merely being in their presence in memories.
And I can't even say that Blackjack entirely personifies the positive aspects of Caritas. A quick checklist gives:
Blackjack strikes a precarious balance on Patience, with her despair being the great argument against that quality of Love. And she can be very rash and inconsistent, yet overt pride is one of the characteristics I would least associate with her. Humility is a slam dunk. Courtesy is another weak point, as there is no doubt that the graces of refined society elude her (if she even wanted them), yet this is balanced by her almost instantaneous acceptance of people of all sorts, as with the ghouls of Meatlocker, Stygius, and pretty much everyone she's met. Oh, and who can forgetWikipedia wrote:There are nine parts to Divine Love. The first is Patience, Love Passive: that is in no hurry, that suffers long, that bears, believes and hopes and endures all things. There is Kindness, Love in Action: it never acts rashly or insolently; not inconsistent, puffed up or proud. Also we find Generosity, love in competition: which is not envious or jealous. Humility, Love in Hiding: no parade; no airs; works then retires. Love has Courtesy, Love in Society: does not behave unseemly; always polite; at home with all classes; never rude or discourteous. Unselfishness, love in essence: never selfish, sour, or bitter; seeks only good of others; does not retaliate or seek revenge. Love has a Good Temper, Love in disposition: never irritated; never resentful. Love is Righteousness, love in conduct: hates sin; never glad when others go wrong; always gladdened by goodness to others; always slow to expose; always eager to believe the best; always hopeful, always enduring. Finally love has Sincerity, Love in profession: never boastful and conceited; not a hypocrite; always honest; leaves no impression but what is strictly true; never self-assertive; does not blaze out in passionate anger, nor brood over wrongs; always just, joyful, and truthful; knows how to be silent; full of trust, always present.
She is perhaps a mixed bag on Unselfishness, feeling at times bitter over the betrayals she faces, as with Caprice, but this almost always falls away when the object of her resentment might need her in some way. Revenge is nearly her antithesis. She flunks Good Temper, but her Righteousness is one of the reasons her life is so hard. As for Sincerety, Blackjack is well known to expose fits of ire, and brood greatly over wrongs—chiefly those she committed or those that were done by people to whom she had shown mercy. And as with my earlier note on Pride, she does not present only the truth; she is incapable of putting herself or her actions in so favorable a light—at least insofar as the truth she is judged against relates to her being a Mare, not a God.Somber wrote:“I just want to save ponies,” I muttered, at a loss. “That’s what Security does.”
“Just ponies?” he asked with a scowl.
“No. I mean… not just ponies. I want to save the lives of everyone I can. Griffins. Minotaurs. Zebras. Everyone,” I added and then looked at the pebbles he held and levitated one out of his grasp. “Even little rocks, if they’re alive.” Lancer looked up at me, his eyes dark and unfathomable.
Yet for all this, being an Element was never so simple as exhibiting that quality in all its perfection; where Rarity is concerned, this may best be seen in "Green isn't Your Color"; where though she offered so much, it was ill given because it is not what Fluttershy desired. (It's worth noting that I see a parallel to this in the aftermath of the Deus arc in Flank, paired with a similar situation later in the Society where she does show more consideration and perceptiveness of what the community wants (and, more importantly,needs).) Or if not there, then the balancing of being a good sister or friend against the passion of her work and her image or the realization of her greatest personal desires, respectively, in "Sisterhood Social" and "Sweet and Elite."
And taking a more direct statement of the meaning of Caritas,
I see a description that fails to match Blackjack only insofar as she is mortal, and thus imperfect (unless something comes (at least a little) out of left field and she has more than a spark of the divine within her). (Oh, and I included the part from the prophesies on because I think that it fits well with Caiomhe's conception of her as something new, which sweeps away the world as it is known to those that inhabit it.)1 Corinthians 13 wrote:Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears.
Or, of course
especially when those friends include many who hate you, or resent you, or at the very least wish you ill in service of their own avarice/convenience OH WAIT A MINUTE.KJB, John 15:13 wrote:Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends
So in truth, I cannot speak against Blackjack as the Element of Magic, though I much more strongly feel the Caritas => Charity (particularly via Mercy/Forgiveness, but also by evidence of her great Sacrifices) => Generosity than Caritas => Love => Friendship => Magic.
*It turns out I never did, so I'll just make the bare-bones observation that Blackjack's moral weaknesses largely reflect poor mastery of Cardinal Virtues like, mainly, Prudence and Temperence, though arguably also Justice (in her possible forgiving not wisely but too well) and Fortitude (attempted suicide), Virtues that may be gained through effort and self-improvement (and with which she has improved over time!), which contrasts with her seemingly boundless Love for others, Hope, and Faith (ex-suicide), which in that system of philosophy cannot be achieved but are granted by the grace of God.
Ugh. Well, that done, I think it's time to run a comparison between Hendrick's, Plymouth, and Cadenhead's Old Raj to cool down the mind a bit.
Icy Shake- Alicorn
- Posts : 1209
Brohoof! : 308
Join date : 2012-06-05
Age : 35
Location : Boston, MA
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
It's true that she managed to do more with her magic than ever before after she read the magic primer from Twi's office, but those were all either tricks we wouldn't be shocked to see out of any unicorn (even Snails!) or upgrades to her signature Magic Bullet spell. Incremental upgrades, like you would expect. Teleportation came out of nowhere during her fight with Pain Train, without the "substantial effort" Lacunae said that increasing her magic would require. And given that was after she got fully connected to Unity, I'm inclined to believe she got the spell "the easy way".Aonee wrote:Same here with regards to confirmation. If takes the fun out of WMG'ing. And while Twilight could have been supporting BJ's magic, I believe she was still regaining magical usage before Unity- see her light ball spell, before her exposure to mass amounts of taint and cloud.
SilentCarto- Alicorn
- Posts : 1585
Brohoof! : 393
Join date : 2012-05-08
Age : 45
Location : Texas
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
I don't disagree, though I have certain reservations about the final group not being two earth ponies, two unicorns, and two pegasi, which would require both Generosity and Magic(!) to be earth ponies.Icy Shake wrote:I've always seen Blackjack as closer to Generosity than Magic.
Of course, we've made certain guesses about Boo's fate, and she is technically an earth pony... or, at least, she doesn't have wings or a horn. I'm not actually sure that makes her an earth pony by default, but I'm not getting back into the pony genetics discussion.
Overall, though, I have a feeling that BJ isn't one of the Bearers at all. She has her own war to fight, and it doesn't necessarily end when Pip clears the sky. In fact, given Hoofington's natural weather patterns and the location of a major city right above it, I wonder if the Hoof will see sunlight at all.
SilentCarto- Alicorn
- Posts : 1585
Brohoof! : 393
Join date : 2012-05-08
Age : 45
Location : Texas
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Just throwing this out there, but Blackjack seems to has some talent with magic that lets her dive into other people's minds. Granted it's only been with Lacunae and Rampage, but unless I'm misremembering that event all those chapters ago and misread the newest chapter, it was Blackjack going into Lacunae's mind that cause Lacunae to be connected to Blackjack and thus the rest of Unity. Blackjack opened that connection herself.
While I'm leaning towards Magic, if Blackjack is a bearer, I'm not oppose to her being Generosity. Just that all we have to go on with "Blackjack isn't good with magic" is Blackjack herself. And between having a lousy magic teacher growing up and probably a mental block due to having a small horn, she didn't really believe she could do all that much in the way of magic outside of the levitation of items and weapons. We've seen that she's gotten better with her magic ever since her horn grew back but hasn't really had time to develop it due to lack of downtime that lets her focus on magic.
And I'm not counting on Blackjack being Twilight's descendent as a reason. In this instance I believe Blackjack needs to stand on her own.
While I'm leaning towards Magic, if Blackjack is a bearer, I'm not oppose to her being Generosity. Just that all we have to go on with "Blackjack isn't good with magic" is Blackjack herself. And between having a lousy magic teacher growing up and probably a mental block due to having a small horn, she didn't really believe she could do all that much in the way of magic outside of the levitation of items and weapons. We've seen that she's gotten better with her magic ever since her horn grew back but hasn't really had time to develop it due to lack of downtime that lets her focus on magic.
And I'm not counting on Blackjack being Twilight's descendent as a reason. In this instance I believe Blackjack needs to stand on her own.
Last edited by Moodyman90 on Sat Sep 07, 2013 3:13 pm; edited 1 time in total
Moodyman90- Draconequus
- Posts : 8257
Brohoof! : 163
Join date : 2012-05-09
Age : 34
Character List:
Name: Moody Blues/ Moodstone
Sex: Male/ Male
Species: Earth Pony/ Unicorn
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
I guess someone's got to mention it: The real problem with Blackjack being an element bearer, or being a pony capable of bearing an element, is that it requires Somber to meddle with 'the canon'. Not that I think there's anything wrong with doing that, but Somber's shown a bit of reluctance towards doing so. (Though Somber's Star lore is already very divergent from the bits and pieces in Kkat's story.)
Derpmind- Mindmaster Extraordinaire
- Posts : 947
Brohoof! : 166
Join date : 2012-05-09
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Again, I'm with SilentCarto on Blackjack's magic. Never saw a reason that the Bearers had to be an even mix of the races, though. I guess that's more a personal thing. None of that's to say, of course, I think she has to be or will necessarily become a Bearer, or that if she never becomes one it makes her any less of a shining light of her virtues.
But where Derpmind thinks that it would be messing with canon in a way that Somber would avoid, I'm not sure I agree. Arguably Shattered Hoof Ridge was a far bigger case, or Flux, or Pinkie's death (granted, I think that in each case they pretty much fit into little cracks that allow consistency); I've even heard the argument that making Big Mac even a modestly well-known figure prior to the assassination attempt is a major canon breach (which I don't really follow, at all, but the argument's out there). In contrast, very specifically nothing was said about the identities of the two other Bearers, leaving them wide open. And I suppose that closing off such a big open question would leave less for someone doing more in continuity with PH, but it's not like it would be the definitive outcome for all the FoE-verse.
But where Derpmind thinks that it would be messing with canon in a way that Somber would avoid, I'm not sure I agree. Arguably Shattered Hoof Ridge was a far bigger case, or Flux, or Pinkie's death (granted, I think that in each case they pretty much fit into little cracks that allow consistency); I've even heard the argument that making Big Mac even a modestly well-known figure prior to the assassination attempt is a major canon breach (which I don't really follow, at all, but the argument's out there). In contrast, very specifically nothing was said about the identities of the two other Bearers, leaving them wide open. And I suppose that closing off such a big open question would leave less for someone doing more in continuity with PH, but it's not like it would be the definitive outcome for all the FoE-verse.
Icy Shake- Alicorn
- Posts : 1209
Brohoof! : 308
Join date : 2012-06-05
Age : 35
Location : Boston, MA
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
It's actually not messing with "the canon" all that much really. All that was really spelled out in the original story was Honesty, Loyalty, Laughter, and Kindness, with Generosity and Magic given token mention of "We found the right ponies after Pip went into the thing." And it's never mention who they are, what they are, or even how they're connected.
Also, it's not like they activated the Garden of Equestria directly afterwards either. By all rights correct me if I'm wrong but didn't it take them a few months to years to find the last two ponies needed?
Also, I haven't heard of any other fic trying to fill that hole of "who are the last two?", and if there has been a few they haven't been notable enough to be mentioned when the topic of "Which FoE fics should I read?" pops up.
I'm not saying that Somber should try to fill that, especially if that hasn't been apart of his plans until now, but I'm not oppose to it. All in all, it's up to Somber. If at some point in the story he decided that Blackjack should be one of the two bearers, I say let him do it. And if has never been part of the plan, no point in trying to force him to make it so, especially if he doesn't want to.
Still, it's nice and fun to speculate about this stuff.
Also, it's not like they activated the Garden of Equestria directly afterwards either. By all rights correct me if I'm wrong but didn't it take them a few months to years to find the last two ponies needed?
Also, I haven't heard of any other fic trying to fill that hole of "who are the last two?", and if there has been a few they haven't been notable enough to be mentioned when the topic of "Which FoE fics should I read?" pops up.
I'm not saying that Somber should try to fill that, especially if that hasn't been apart of his plans until now, but I'm not oppose to it. All in all, it's up to Somber. If at some point in the story he decided that Blackjack should be one of the two bearers, I say let him do it. And if has never been part of the plan, no point in trying to force him to make it so, especially if he doesn't want to.
Still, it's nice and fun to speculate about this stuff.
Moodyman90- Draconequus
- Posts : 8257
Brohoof! : 163
Join date : 2012-05-09
Age : 34
Character List:
Name: Moody Blues/ Moodstone
Sex: Male/ Male
Species: Earth Pony/ Unicorn
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Actually, "We're No Heroes" by otherunicorn ends with one or the characters becoming the Element of Generosity. I'd say it's notable enough to warrant a read, I liked it.
Aonee- Draconequus
- Posts : 12338
Brohoof! : 98
Join date : 2012-05-11
Age : 28
Location : East Texas
Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Huh, I had forgotten about that one. And obviously never read it myself. I need to branch out more on what I read.
Moodyman90- Draconequus
- Posts : 8257
Brohoof! : 163
Join date : 2012-05-09
Age : 34
Character List:
Name: Moody Blues/ Moodstone
Sex: Male/ Male
Species: Earth Pony/ Unicorn
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
I admit that is part of my reluctance, yes. I don't want to call it 'presumptuous', exactly. It's more like a sense that BJ already has her own story, her own path, and she doesn't need the Element of Magic on top of that like it was some kind of reward for her good work. It's not solely a matter of "Kkat didn't say so, so Somber shouldn't either," though -- I'd be totally on board for Charity being the Bearer of Generosity!Derpmind wrote:I guess someone's got to mention it: The real problem with Blackjack being an element bearer, or being a pony capable of bearing an element, is that it requires Somber to meddle with 'the canon'. Not that I think there's anything wrong with doing that, but Somber's shown a bit of reluctance towards doing so. (Though Somber's Star lore is already very divergent from the bits and pieces in Kkat's story.)
I think there may be a bit of wishful thinking involved in trying to shoehorn BJ into the new Bearers. As Celestia's monologue in MMC noted, "Magic" includes a healthy dose of Leadership, so I think you could make a case for just about any protagonist being a candidate (with the glaring exception of Murky.) And for all that BJ sacrifices for others, I think Generosity is a little more focused than that. Pip denied Generosity as her own virtue yet declared that it was Sacrifice, after all.
I think there can be a strong temptation to shoehorn characters into certain elements just because they're good people. BJ certainly displays loyalty to her friends, for example. But we know the Element of Loyalty went to someone else, so that just gets ignored.
There's no explicit reason, no. It's more of a thematic thing.Icy Shake wrote:Never saw a reason that the Bearers had to be an even mix of the races, though. I guess that's more a personal thing.
Celestia and Luna created six Elements even though there were only two bearers. The Ponyville bearers were evenly split. Even the windigos in the Hearth's Warming story were driven off by an alliance of one of each kind of pony. I have to wonder if the Flame of Friendship is the unrefined version of the force harnessed by the Elements of Harmony.
I think all this points to an underlying principle that magic likes threes. It just seems as if the power of Harmony is strongest when all three types of pony work together and balance each other out.
SilentCarto- Alicorn
- Posts : 1585
Brohoof! : 393
Join date : 2012-05-08
Age : 45
Location : Texas
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
I don't see any reason to think that. Obviously there's some twincest going on there, but this is hardly the first time that's happened in FoE. (Gestalt & Mosaic, for instance, or... uh... the girls on the Starbucked sign, I guess?)SilentCarto wrote:I think he was implying that they have a... family tradition, if you get my drift.FeatherDust wrote:...Ohhh, NOW I get it. "Well bred." Twister wasn't showing disdain for aristocracy that could bribe its scions into early promotions, but rather implying that those three slept their way into a high rank. Got it.
Point being, the only things we know about these two (three really) is that they are too young and too hot-headed for a command position, but they got them anyway; and they were sleeping with Harbinger. That implies they got the rank because Harbinger gave it to them, and Twister would have been commenting on that. It's a big stretch to claim that comment implies an incestuous parentage.
No, it wouldn't make sense for zebras to make guns that are specifically tailored for a unicorn; and furthermore most unicorns wouldn't have enough knowledge of and respect for zebra culture to reference it. Except we know of one unicorn who had both. Duty and Sacrifice might have been originally made (or commissioned) by Goldenblood as a gift for his favorite uncle.It wouldn't make much sense for zebras to create paired guns enchanted to be easily levitated and aimed as one. Which isn't to say he couldn't have adopted a Roamani expression for their names, and possibly as a personal motto.FeatherDust wrote:"At first, only one tribe answered him: the Roamani. They are a martial tribe, what many think of when they think of the war. Duty and sacrifice are their creed."
Where exactly did Vanity get those guns..?
Or it might just be a big coincidence.
FeatherDust- Hydra
- Posts : 546
Brohoof! : 112
Join date : 2012-05-25
Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Yeah, I pretty much figured that the D&S thing was a coincidence, myself; those are pretty standard martial values which transcend time and nation.
A quick Google search of "duty and sacrifice" (with quotation marks), for instance, mostly gives results about Memorial Day. Military units in Australia, Finland, India, Lebanon, Malaysia, and the Philippines all have mottoes involving duty or sacrifice, and of course far more involve things like faithfulness, loyalty, and death.
From the US, there are the slogans of West Point ("Duty, Honor, Country"), the 1st Infantry Division ("No mission too difficult, no sacrifice too great, duty first"), and the Army Values ("Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless-Service, Honor, Integrity, Personal Courage").
A quick Google search of "duty and sacrifice" (with quotation marks), for instance, mostly gives results about Memorial Day. Military units in Australia, Finland, India, Lebanon, Malaysia, and the Philippines all have mottoes involving duty or sacrifice, and of course far more involve things like faithfulness, loyalty, and death.
From the US, there are the slogans of West Point ("Duty, Honor, Country"), the 1st Infantry Division ("No mission too difficult, no sacrifice too great, duty first"), and the Army Values ("Loyalty, Duty, Respect, Selfless-Service, Honor, Integrity, Personal Courage").
Icy Shake- Alicorn
- Posts : 1209
Brohoof! : 308
Join date : 2012-06-05
Age : 35
Location : Boston, MA
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Ah, chapter twenty one. One of the best non-enemy action scenes, growing Blackjack insanity, The Cop, and the start of the "shooty look." Lots of stuff to love here. Too bad we're leaving the best non-Blackjack Blackjack behind. (Party on, Captain. Party on. ) On the plus side, we're back to Stable 99.
- Chapter 21 Thoughts:
- “I shall save you! Show yourselves, you dogs! You curs! Ha! There you are, you mangy mutts.”
It actually seemed like the Wasteland, for once, was throwing me a carrot.
These flow into each other really well.
“Please, Charity! Please! Without the boat, we’ll have to walk, if we walk the monsterpony will find us, if she finds us then I’ll feel sorry for her before I kill her, and if I do that then I’ll feel guilty, and if I feel guilty then I’ll whine! Please don’t make me whine!
Man, self-aware and crazy genre-savvy.
“Hey, you okay, Blackjack? You’ve got a shooty look on your face,” P-21 asked, giving me a nudge.
I thought so, and yep, this is the first occurrence of "shooty look."
“So why do you stay?” P-21 asked.
Oilcan sighed and smiled, reaching out to touch the engine. There was a lover’s look in her eyes. “Back home, I had a pretty comfy life; wasn’t no Tenpony, but comfy. Out here… well… we ain’t found riches, the sights are all pretty damned ugly, the rum’s watered down, and the sex gets a little awkward on a little boat like this… but the adventure? He sure wasn’t lying about that. Long as the captain can steer her straight, I’ll keep her running. To Hoofington or Hell itself.”
Not much to say, other than that this is really high quality characterization of a background character who . . . yeah, looks like she pretty much only shows up once after they separate after this trip. Oh, and incorporated within natural-sounding dialog that also helps to set up expectations for the coming voyage.
Glory proved the most valuable pair of purple eyes.
That seems like an odd place to include the eye color modifier. Does purple matter? Were there other eyes than hers that were more valuable, but not purple? If so, why not just say who they belonged to, rather than this circuitous way?
“Of course, it wouldn’t be the first time you’ve done it,” he continued.
“Shut up!” I yelled at the pale bastard, levitating Cupcake’s revolver and pressing it to his forehead. “Why the fuck do you do this? I was feeling halfway good and then you… why are you trying to make me remember killing them all? Why can’t you let me be happy?” My magic tightened on the trigger; sure, it wouldn’t kill him, but I’d feel better.
“Blackjack?” Glory said in a fearful voice as the Dealer melted away.
The gun was pointed right between her shocked eyes.
This was a chilling moment, possibly the first time that Blackjack's crazy has so directly caused her to nearly harm her friends. It's a good illustration of her inner conflict, her passionate desire to not be what circumstances force her to be, and the increasing inability to just not think about things.
Sometimes all it takes is one second, one wrong action, one little mistake, and something precious is gone for good.
All except for the regrets.
Good lines, and a great way to end the section. The one sticking point for me in the preceding scene was this paragraph:
I hadn’t put anything behind me. I’d thrown it in the closet and forgotten about it. I’d murdered forty foals. Executed them. I’d rationalized. I’d justified. But my mind wasn’t letting me let it go. “I’m sorry, Glory. I wasn’t talking to you. I was… I’m just… sorry.”
I think that "I’d murdered forty foals. Executed them. I’d rationalized. I’d justified." didn't really need to be there; the context was already very strongly established by the Dealer's dialog (and this was something that she's talked about plenty of times before), and explicitly laying it out in narration just (if for only a moment) slowed down the real action in BJ's head: the realization she couldn't just let things go any more.
The water poured over the jagged stumps of the fallen foundations like saliva over teeth.
This simile just doesn't work that well for me: though the shape of teeth seems apt, I just don't think that the (relative) volume of liquid seems right. I don't think of saliva a flowing violently or rapidly.
“One… just… one…” I whispered softly as I rolled upright and pressed down on her sides, trying to force the water out. Thorn. Roses. Tumbleweed. Scoodle. Eleven zebra. Forty foals. Let me save just one!
She lay there, another corpse, my heart racing so fast that I collapsed beside her.
Thorn. Roses. Tumbleweed. Scoodle. Zebras. Foals. Seabiscuit.
[page break]
Then she coughed, gasped, retched, and vomited water. I shook as I fought to sit up, trying to do something helpful and managing just to blubber and hold her shoulders as Tarboots walked carefully along the heaving deck, rushing to help. She drew one shaking breath after another as I fell on my back, gasping for breath with the blood-soaked rope tight around my hooves.
Where that page break ended up worked very well.
So, of course, the boat-through-the-building scene was excellent, filled with vivid imagery and kept moving quickly and with great energy and tension. And then capped with a little unexpected success for Blackjack.
Third, and most important of all…” I took a moment, looking at her gravely. “I really… really… need to go to the bathroom and I’d rather not hang my fanny off the side of the boat.”
Glory took one look at me in shock as the captain collapsed with laughter, then seized a pillow and beat me with it till I grabbed my bag and fled outside.
You chose a good moment to inject some humor, as a follow-up to the dreams/memories of Daisy's abuse.
“But I have a sense about you. The past and future reach through you. Messenger, harbinger, and judge. Life in one hoof. Death in the other. Which will you decide? Not even the stars can tell...”
Eerie. And I doubt (from a writer's perspective) that "harbinger" was a coincidence.
“Oh, don’t worry young buck. Your fate has come and gone. It only begs the question of what happens in the epilogue,” the old mare said with a lazy wave of her hoof. For some reason, that seemed to bother him more than some cryptic remark.
Right, because that totally isn't one[/sarcasm].
Moral whatism? “Look. It’s simple. We’re good. They’re bad. That’s all I need to know.”
I'm glad she's moved beyond this.
“Right. Till one of them starts crying,” the blue buck muttered. “Why are four smart ponies being led around by an idiot?”
“Can’t be that smart, then.”
She . . . has a point.
Rampage moved like a ponified cat, unnervingly quiet without her clanging metal armor.
Is the the "ponified" really necessary here? Isn't the point just that she moves like a cat? Whatever, I guess I just have a bugaboo regarding that word as applied to "real" situations.
From overhead came the boom of a rifle round, and a resounding ‘PING’ glanced off the side of my helmet. Somewhere, I was sure, P-21 was thinking smug thoughts. Okay, enough badass stupidity. I had their attention now, so I made for my own cover behind a fallen wagon as my head throbbed. As nice as the rifle was, it just didn’t have the time or rate of fire for messy work. Good thing I had a shotgun!
I'm sure it comes up fairly often, but I'd like to express an appreciation for really letting us get in to Blackjack's tactical mindset. Especially in cases like this, where she's doing more than just reacting to the actions around her, also making real plans and judging how her opponents will react to what she does.
Unfortunately, her awe made her a sitting duck for a round of buckshot to the head.
Seems like overkill: a duck, sitting or in the air, only requires birdshot.
I floated it out, popped the top, pocketed the cap and took a drink, then continued to the door with the bottle floating on one side and the gun on the other.
Some good description here. It really underline the fact that she just gives no fucks right now.
I saw the foals lying together inside some kind of pen next to a roll-up metal door.
Huh? Roll-up door? What's that?
“More than a few who have joined the Goddess know about guns,” she said patiently, but there was a strange scornful undertone in the telepathic voice.
So, this seems like an interesting case where the self-identification of the Goddess/Unity is concerned. Or perhaps just a semantic curiosity (say, "joined the Goddess [in Unity]"), as I'd think that really, the Goddess is the three-and-a-half parts (which didn't particularly know about guns, probably), where Unity is legion.
What are bombs and missiles to the energy of the cosmos itself?” she asked as she turned the weapon over again, pointing it down the street. I had no idea how you aimed a minigun.
Huh. That seems like a bit of a non-sequitur.
“Just because we’re bonded doesn’t mean we like each other,” she said as she pointed the minigun down the street and narrowed her eyes.
That's a great line. And good foreshadowing (long-term). And coupled with the following lines, also lays the foundation for the (nearer-term) revelation of the nature of Lacunae.
Save this one, Blackjack. No matter what, save this one.
Great use of the emphasis.
The interaction between BJ and the Sand Dog girl is very sweet, yet also highlights the disturbing willingness she had early on to kill anything as the first-choice solution to problems, at least until she found a reason not to.
“Because I want to help you,” I replied. I heard P-21’s groan from all the way from across the platform.
Love it.
A M.o.I. letter asking if a particular brand of magic insecticide talismans were being accredited to the M.A.S. or the M.W.T.?
I think this is the first mention of Enervation rings.
There was something that felt like a numb horn pointing in his side.
This is kind of a weird description, and I'm not entirely sure what it's supposed to mean. If it's a numb horn, it being pointed in Goldenblood's side doesn't make much sense, since wouldn't it be coming from him, pressing against him? But if it's external to him, how can he feel that it's numb? Numbing, perhaps, but not numb. Eh.
“I was told you gave quite a speech. ‘Hoofington Rises?’ Very catchy, particularly when you kept giving it even when you were bleeding out of half your orifices.”
Goldenblood is pony Theodore Roosevelt.
“Luna needed to rule, and Goldenblood told her what she needed to do to get everypony to follow her. And it worked… until the war and everything got out of hand.”
Equestria Girls Rainbow Dash says: "What are hands?" (What's continuity?) ("What's a paladin?) (Okay, not that last one. But still.)
Rampage just took one look at them and then leaned forward to press her forehead against the barrel of the gun. “What, you think your gun can drop me when hers couldn’t? Go on. Try. And then, when you run out of bullets, I’ll fuck you with the butt of your own rifle.”
Moments like this . . .
These psychopaths were way too close to my home, but I needed to check and make sure it was safe before hunting these fuckers down.
Ironic double meaning ahoy!
- Chapter 21 Editing:
- then slid the fresh one into the receptacle. There was a sudden hum
pushing you into rocks, beams, snags and worse. Half our power is spent maneuvering around obstacles
Three spaces after the periods.
and the other half fighting current. Just wait
Only one space after the period.
I kept Taurus’ rifle handy as my eyes scanned the scummy brown water.
Taurus's
Standing in the bow just in front of the turret, she and the crew’s lookout, a young green earth pony mare named Seabiscuit, spotted hazards lying just under the surface that I couldn’t see even as we passed them and pointed them out with her wingtips so that Thrush could steer around them.
In the second part of the sentence, the subject is still "[Glory] and the crew's lookout," but only Glory is pointing with her wings: I'd suggest replacing
"even as we passed them and pointed them out with her wingtips so that Thrush"
with
"even as we passed them, Glory pointing them out with her wingtips so that Thrush"
or some such.
and then at the grim walls of the Core. “What is that?
Three spaces after the period.
The wide river now seemed ominously narrow, as if all the rubble and junk had constricted into a foamy flume.
I think there should be an "it" after "constricted."
The heavy, armored face of the fallen tower acted as a dam of sorts, and the tower’s fall had and shattered and knocked down a half dozen more buildings that were now also lying in the swirling fury of frothing water.
Bolded "and" shouldn't be there.
the boat flew between a pair of street lights. We weren’t going down a river any more
Only one space after the period.
the top third had snapped back like a peppermint candy stick
Not wrong, but I think just "peppermint stick" is more common, concise, and equally descriptive.
How could a vertical wall of water move sideways? “Hang on,” Seabiscut screamed
Only one space after the question mark.
swirling froth of brown water. There was nothing I could do but clutch that rail with every bit of strength I could.
Three spaces after the first period. Also, in the second sentence, the double use of "could" sounds off to me, at least without anything following the second. Maybe end with "had" instead of could, or "could summon" or "muster" or something?
as the boat fell upside down. My breath blasted from my body
Three spaces after the period.
“But what did they do?” I asked with a little frown.
There should only be one space after the quotation.
“No! Please! I’m sorry!” Duct Tape begged as Daisy ploughed into the smaller gray mare and proceeded to pummel her.
"Mare" should probably be "filly" in this instance.
“Daisy!” I shouted in alarm, and the honey unicorn jumped as I raced to shove myself between her and the fetal Duct Tape.
Daisy is a pale/cream colored earth pony. Marmalade is the honey unicorn.
“Did your-“ was all I said.
Second hyphen for dash.
At least my PipBuck had saved me from some of the burns...but from the pain on my sides,
Space needed after ellipsis.
I strolled down the street as clear as day with Taurus’ rifle floating ahead of me.
Taurus's
I saw the spiked armor, the sawed off shotgun, and, most importantly, the half dozen hooves dangling off the sides of her barding. Most of all, I saw the eager grin that split her scarred face, yellowed eyes widening in glee at the sight of me.
You probably shouldn't have a "most importantly" and a "most of all" regarding the same object; there should only be one superlatively important feature. For the first, perhaps, "more importantly"?
Then the ripper roared as she sawed her head clean off in a fountain of blood that seemed to make the remaining raider stare in awe.
So, it looks like you treat "ripper" as a common noun. In the Fallout universe, "Ripper" is a trademarked proper noun, referring to a specific product line released by a company of the same name. Do you want to keep it common, or harmonize with the games? (It only comes up a dozen times, so it's not a huge issue either way.)
Another unicorn came out, spraying Rampage and myself wildly, and this close in the shots were much more effective.
"Me" might work better here.
The guts danged like garlands over the shelves.
"Dangled"?
Glory looted the sniper’s nest on the third floor and brought locked ammo containers down for P-21 and myself to open.
"and me," though BJ using "myeslf" where it doesn't really work seems like an ongoing theme.
Rampage was munching down in the raider’s stores;
"raiders' "
What are bombs and missiles to the energy of the cosmos itself?” she asked as she turned the weapon over again,
There should only be one space after the quotation.
BEEP! BEEP! BE-
Second hyphen for dash.
That might count as a doorbell though.
Comma before "though"?
Carefully, I gripped the door with my magic, imagining a canine Deus rushing out at me screaming ‘cunt’. Nothing however.
Since she didn't, I think, actually open the door, I think that "Nothing came [out], however," or some similar change might work better than just "came," where the way it is currently worded works better if she actually had opened the door and saw an empty room or hallway. However, this could just be because I interpret "gripped the door" as just a first step, rather than completing the action of opening it. Though I guess the dialog soon after suggests that she did open the door.
Then I heard the metallic click of a first aid kit being unlatched near the door to the bathroom. I turned. As it creaked open, a round tin fell into her hooves.
I suggest changing to "Glory's hooves" since it's probably (soon revealed to be) her (but could have been Rampage), and she hasn't been mentioned in two paragraphs.
She grit her teeth, trying to strangle her screams as piece after bloody piece was removed.
The past tense is "gritted."
I wasn’t going to allow a repeat of Thorn. I’d bury her alive
Only one space after the period.
All I’m going to do is sit here.” There was
There should be a second space after the quotation.
I probably wouldn’t have been able to stay in the Guard if he hadn’t-
Second hyphen for dash, closing quotation mark needed.
‘The Victory Plaza Rail Station.’ ‘Shadowbolt Tower.’ ‘Tunnel 456.’ ‘Luna Hydro Spark Generator System.’ ‘Tokamare Reactor Facility.’ All of them were stamped ‘Ministry of Wartime Technology: CLASSIFIED,’ ‘Ministry of Arcane Sciences: TOP SECRET,’
Candidates for moving, in the earlier cases, periods, and in the latter commas, to the outside of quotation marks. Also, three spaces after "Station.' ", "Tower.’ ", and "456.’ ".
One showed them dressed in army fatigues similar to that of Macintosh’s Marauders
"Those of"?
The other interesting thing were the newspapers.
"Things were" or "thing was."
beings known collectively as ‘Diamond Dogs.’
Possible case for moving period to outside of quotation marks.
Another article caught my eye: ‘Trail of Broken Diamonds.’
There should be only one space after the colon, and probable case for moving period to outside of quotation marks.
Some critics have dubbed the relocation the ‘Trail of Broken Diamonds,’
Comma to outside of quotation marks?
Ministry Mare Rarity was quoted saying, ‘Oh don’t worry about those things. They’re not like ponies, or even zebras. As long as there are some gems for them to dig up they’ll be perfectly fine. Well, except for the breath, and the fleas, and their nails, oh and don’t get me started on their manners!’
Should those be double quotation marks?
‘Hoofington - Goldenblood to welcome Diamond Dog workers for Reconstruction,’ and beneath it, ‘Goldenblood unfit for position?’
Possible second hyphen for dash and comma to outside of quotation marks.
His recent comments about ending the war at any cost has drawn many to question his commitment to serving Princess Luna and the kingdom.
"Have drawn."
He wore a faded and frayed collar studded with pale rhinestones and there was a weathered dog tag that read ‘Rover.’
Period to outside of quotation marks?
There might have only been two or three dozen at the most, and, even if these people were far stranger, there was no missing the signs of hunger; the slat sides and thin limbs.
Semicolon to comma?
Ever heard the phrase ‘too good to be true?’
Question mark to outside of quotation marks.
A M.o.I. letter asking if a particular brand of magic insecticide talismans were being accredited to the M.A.S. or the M.W.T.?
Suggest "An M.o.I. letter," suggest ending with period, not question mark.
contract agreements being negotiated with griffins to supplement pegasi forces during Winter Wrap Up,
"Pegasus forces"
The O.I.A. has a mission to fulfil and duties to perform.
Unless an error in context, "fulfill" ends with two ls.
‘Hoofington Rises?’
Question mark to outside of quotation marks.
I suspect the zebra’s poisons burned away all the nerve endings.
Probably "zebras' ".
The roles and obligations of government remain the same. Under Celestia,
Only one space after the period.
Somepony that can rally the peoples faith and deflect their criticisms.
"People's"
Actually...what pride?
Should be space after ellipsis.
A chip named ‘Go Fish,’ no doubt.
Comma to outside of quotation marks.
and don’t take it as an excuse to butcher every zebra from Glyphmark to Roam, people!”
Shouldn't end with a quotation mark.
Red Eye: it’s called ‘temperance;’ look it up.
Semicolon to outside of quotation marks.
I’d tell you to look up ‘restraint,’ too, but then you’d get all hung up on the collars and chains...
Comma to outside of quotation marks.
If ponies don’t help each other; who will?”
Semicolon to comma.
I just stood on the roof of the wheelhouse and looked back with Taurus’ rifle beside me, giving them my own baleful stare in return.
Taurus's
and had pulled it free of the mass. A larger scraggy mare was taking issue with his find,
Only one space after the period.
The Celestia’s now the local headquarters of the Steel Rangers.”
I think "Celestia" should be italicized.
I don’t have much dealings with them, since the Seahorse’s engine’s probably pretty high on their list of ‘Tech to Confiscate.’
The "s" probably shouldn't be italicized, and the period should probably be outside the quotation marks.
“The HMS Luna was bigger,”
From the depths of the sunken HMS Luna, I could see the telltale rainbow glow of magical radiation.
Inconsistent italicization of "HMS."
I normally never pass up liqueur that makes me blind, but I’ve got a long overdue appointment back home.”
Probably "liquor," not "liqueur."
We kept coming across signs of them: a bloody brahmin skull hammered into a tree. A pony stretched over a stump before being eaten.
The colon construction with plural signs makes me think that separating the two items in the list with a comma or semicolon makes more sense. Otherwise, the colon might be better as a period.
New Perk added: Light Trot- You are agile, lucky and always careful; or maybe you just mastered the art of self levitation. Either way you never set off landmines or floor based traps.
Second hyphen for dash, symmetrical spacing around dash, serial comma after "lucky."
“I dun wanna be Security, Momma. It’s no fun,” I muttered, looking up at my pink momma with her smart, indulgent smile and striped purple and red mane.
I'm pretty sure Gin Rummy's supposed to be lavender (but with pink eyes, though).
- Other Editing:
- 1: The look on Rivets’ face now, though…
Of course, this was why even most of the security ponies gave me a lot of space; nopony wanted to offend the boss’ daughter.
The Overmare might have had complete authority over the top half of the stable, but this was Rivets’ domain.
Rivets’ name was right underneath it.
"...s's "
The title caught my eye: ‘Enemys’ was crookedly scrawled at the top of the page in large, block print.
Just to be clear, that's just semi-literacy on the Overmare's part, right?
2: I wanted to be able to look forward to Rivets’ next game.
"Rivets's"
4: As I recalled, Deus’ courtesy involved a few pints of semen.
"Deus's"
8: I assumed the first orb had been Miss Glitterhooves’ memory: Garnet, recalling an actual meeting with Fluttershy, Cheerilee, and Redheart.
Suddenly I remember old Hoss’ journal entries at the flooded field farmhouse.
"...s's"
9: “Allow me,” I said as I floated the mine boss’ key to the lock, and opened it.
Once again, the mine boss’ keys expedited our entrance, much to P-21’s chagrin.
19: “I work… and I slave… and I try so hard to get caps for town… and you want thirty caps for a land mine?”
This is the only case where you have a space in "land mine."
Icy Shake- Alicorn
- Posts : 1209
Brohoof! : 308
Join date : 2012-06-05
Age : 35
Location : Boston, MA
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Ah, thank you very much as always.Icy Shake wrote:Ah, chapter twenty one. One of the best non-enemy action scenes, growing Blackjack insanity, The Cop, and the start of the "shooty look." Lots of stuff to love here. Too bad we're leaving the best non-Blackjack Blackjack behind. (Party on, Captain. Party on. ) On the plus side, we're back to Stable 99.
- Chapter 21 Thoughts:
“I shall save you! Show yourselves, you dogs! You curs! Ha! There you are, you mangy mutts.”
It actually seemed like the Wasteland, for once, was throwing me a carrot.
These flow into each other really well.
“Please, Charity! Please! Without the boat, we’ll have to walk, if we walk the monsterpony will find us, if she finds us then I’ll feel sorry for her before I kill her, and if I do that then I’ll feel guilty, and if I feel guilty then I’ll whine! Please don’t make me whine!
Man, self-aware and crazy genre-savvy.
“Hey, you okay, Blackjack? You’ve got a shooty look on your face,” P-21 asked, giving me a nudge.
I thought so, and yep, this is the first occurrence of "shooty look."
“So why do you stay?” P-21 asked.
Oilcan sighed and smiled, reaching out to touch the engine. There was a lover’s look in her eyes. “Back home, I had a pretty comfy life; wasn’t no Tenpony, but comfy. Out here… well… we ain’t found riches, the sights are all pretty damned ugly, the rum’s watered down, and the sex gets a little awkward on a little boat like this… but the adventure? He sure wasn’t lying about that. Long as the captain can steer her straight, I’ll keep her running. To Hoofington or Hell itself.”
Not much to say, other than that this is really high quality characterization of a background character who . . . yeah, looks like she pretty much only shows up once after they separate after this trip. Oh, and incorporated within natural-sounding dialog that also helps to set up expectations for the coming voyage.
Glory proved the most valuable pair of purple eyes.
That seems like an odd place to include the eye color modifier. Does purple matter? Were there other eyes than hers that were more valuable, but not purple? If so, why not just say who they belonged to, rather than this circuitous way?
“Of course, it wouldn’t be the first time you’ve done it,” he continued.
“Shut up!” I yelled at the pale bastard, levitating Cupcake’s revolver and pressing it to his forehead. “Why the fuck do you do this? I was feeling halfway good and then you… why are you trying to make me remember killing them all? Why can’t you let me be happy?” My magic tightened on the trigger; sure, it wouldn’t kill him, but I’d feel better.
“Blackjack?” Glory said in a fearful voice as the Dealer melted away.
The gun was pointed right between her shocked eyes.
This was a chilling moment, possibly the first time that Blackjack's crazy has so directly caused her to nearly harm her friends. It's a good illustration of her inner conflict, her passionate desire to not be what circumstances force her to be, and the increasing inability to just not think about things.
Sometimes all it takes is one second, one wrong action, one little mistake, and something precious is gone for good.
All except for the regrets.
Good lines, and a great way to end the section. The one sticking point for me in the preceding scene was this paragraph:
I hadn’t put anything behind me. I’d thrown it in the closet and forgotten about it. I’d murdered forty foals. Executed them. I’d rationalized. I’d justified. But my mind wasn’t letting me let it go. “I’m sorry, Glory. I wasn’t talking to you. I was… I’m just… sorry.”
I think that "I’d murdered forty foals. Executed them. I’d rationalized. I’d justified." didn't really need to be there; the context was already very strongly established by the Dealer's dialog (and this was something that she's talked about plenty of times before), and explicitly laying it out in narration just (if for only a moment) slowed down the real action in BJ's head: the realization she couldn't just let things go any more.
The water poured over the jagged stumps of the fallen foundations like saliva over teeth.
This simile just doesn't work that well for me: though the shape of teeth seems apt, I just don't think that the (relative) volume of liquid seems right. I don't think of saliva a flowing violently or rapidly.
“One… just… one…” I whispered softly as I rolled upright and pressed down on her sides, trying to force the water out. Thorn. Roses. Tumbleweed. Scoodle. Eleven zebra. Forty foals. Let me save just one!
She lay there, another corpse, my heart racing so fast that I collapsed beside her.
Thorn. Roses. Tumbleweed. Scoodle. Zebras. Foals. Seabiscuit.
[page break]
Then she coughed, gasped, retched, and vomited water. I shook as I fought to sit up, trying to do something helpful and managing just to blubber and hold her shoulders as Tarboots walked carefully along the heaving deck, rushing to help. She drew one shaking breath after another as I fell on my back, gasping for breath with the blood-soaked rope tight around my hooves.
Where that page break ended up worked very well.
So, of course, the boat-through-the-building scene was excellent, filled with vivid imagery and kept moving quickly and with great energy and tension. And then capped with a little unexpected success for Blackjack.
Third, and most important of all…” I took a moment, looking at her gravely. “I really… really… need to go to the bathroom and I’d rather not hang my fanny off the side of the boat.”
Glory took one look at me in shock as the captain collapsed with laughter, then seized a pillow and beat me with it till I grabbed my bag and fled outside.
You chose a good moment to inject some humor, as a follow-up to the dreams/memories of Daisy's abuse.
“But I have a sense about you. The past and future reach through you. Messenger, harbinger, and judge. Life in one hoof. Death in the other. Which will you decide? Not even the stars can tell...”
Eerie. And I doubt (from a writer's perspective) that "harbinger" was a coincidence.
“Oh, don’t worry young buck. Your fate has come and gone. It only begs the question of what happens in the epilogue,” the old mare said with a lazy wave of her hoof. For some reason, that seemed to bother him more than some cryptic remark.
Right, because that totally isn't one[/sarcasm].
Moral whatism? “Look. It’s simple. We’re good. They’re bad. That’s all I need to know.”
I'm glad she's moved beyond this.
“Right. Till one of them starts crying,” the blue buck muttered. “Why are four smart ponies being led around by an idiot?”
“Can’t be that smart, then.”
She . . . has a point.
Rampage moved like a ponified cat, unnervingly quiet without her clanging metal armor.
Is the the "ponified" really necessary here? Isn't the point just that she moves like a cat? Whatever, I guess I just have a bugaboo regarding that word as applied to "real" situations.
From overhead came the boom of a rifle round, and a resounding ‘PING’ glanced off the side of my helmet. Somewhere, I was sure, P-21 was thinking smug thoughts. Okay, enough badass stupidity. I had their attention now, so I made for my own cover behind a fallen wagon as my head throbbed. As nice as the rifle was, it just didn’t have the time or rate of fire for messy work. Good thing I had a shotgun!
I'm sure it comes up fairly often, but I'd like to express an appreciation for really letting us get in to Blackjack's tactical mindset. Especially in cases like this, where she's doing more than just reacting to the actions around her, also making real plans and judging how her opponents will react to what she does.
Unfortunately, her awe made her a sitting duck for a round of buckshot to the head.
Seems like overkill: a duck, sitting or in the air, only requires birdshot.
I floated it out, popped the top, pocketed the cap and took a drink, then continued to the door with the bottle floating on one side and the gun on the other.
Some good description here. It really underline the fact that she just gives no fucks right now.
I saw the foals lying together inside some kind of pen next to a roll-up metal door.
Huh? Roll-up door? What's that?
“More than a few who have joined the Goddess know about guns,” she said patiently, but there was a strange scornful undertone in the telepathic voice.
So, this seems like an interesting case where the self-identification of the Goddess/Unity is concerned. Or perhaps just a semantic curiosity (say, "joined the Goddess [in Unity]"), as I'd think that really, the Goddess is the three-and-a-half parts (which didn't particularly know about guns, probably), where Unity is legion.
What are bombs and missiles to the energy of the cosmos itself?” she asked as she turned the weapon over again, pointing it down the street. I had no idea how you aimed a minigun.
Huh. That seems like a bit of a non-sequitur.
“Just because we’re bonded doesn’t mean we like each other,” she said as she pointed the minigun down the street and narrowed her eyes.
That's a great line. And good foreshadowing (long-term). And coupled with the following lines, also lays the foundation for the (nearer-term) revelation of the nature of Lacunae.
Save this one, Blackjack. No matter what, save this one.
Great use of the emphasis.
The interaction between BJ and the Sand Dog girl is very sweet, yet also highlights the disturbing willingness she had early on to kill anything as the first-choice solution to problems, at least until she found a reason not to.
“Because I want to help you,” I replied. I heard P-21’s groan from all the way from across the platform.
Love it.
A M.o.I. letter asking if a particular brand of magic insecticide talismans were being accredited to the M.A.S. or the M.W.T.?
I think this is the first mention of Enervation rings.
There was something that felt like a numb horn pointing in his side.
This is kind of a weird description, and I'm not entirely sure what it's supposed to mean. If it's a numb horn, it being pointed in Goldenblood's side doesn't make much sense, since wouldn't it be coming from him, pressing against him? But if it's external to him, how can he feel that it's numb? Numbing, perhaps, but not numb. Eh.
“I was told you gave quite a speech. ‘Hoofington Rises?’ Very catchy, particularly when you kept giving it even when you were bleeding out of half your orifices.”
Goldenblood is pony Theodore Roosevelt.
“Luna needed to rule, and Goldenblood told her what she needed to do to get everypony to follow her. And it worked… until the war and everything got out of hand.”
Equestria Girls Rainbow Dash says: "What are hands?" (What's continuity?) ("What's a paladin?) (Okay, not that last one. But still.)
Rampage just took one look at them and then leaned forward to press her forehead against the barrel of the gun. “What, you think your gun can drop me when hers couldn’t? Go on. Try. And then, when you run out of bullets, I’ll fuck you with the butt of your own rifle.”
Moments like this . . .
These psychopaths were way too close to my home, but I needed to check and make sure it was safe before hunting these fuckers down.
Ironic double meaning ahoy!
- Chapter 21 Editing:
then slid the fresh one into the receptacle. There was a sudden hum
pushing you into rocks, beams, snags and worse. Half our power is spent maneuvering around obstacles
Three spaces after the periods.
and the other half fighting current. Just wait
Only one space after the period.
I kept Taurus’ rifle handy as my eyes scanned the scummy brown water.
Taurus's
Standing in the bow just in front of the turret, she and the crew’s lookout, a young green earth pony mare named Seabiscuit, spotted hazards lying just under the surface that I couldn’t see even as we passed them and pointed them out with her wingtips so that Thrush could steer around them.
In the second part of the sentence, the subject is still "[Glory] and the crew's lookout," but only Glory is pointing with her wings: I'd suggest replacing
"even as we passed them and pointed them out with her wingtips so that Thrush"
with
"even as we passed them, Glory pointing them out with her wingtips so that Thrush"
or some such.
and then at the grim walls of the Core. “What is that?
Three spaces after the period.
The wide river now seemed ominously narrow, as if all the rubble and junk had constricted into a foamy flume.
I think there should be an "it" after "constricted."
The heavy, armored face of the fallen tower acted as a dam of sorts, and the tower’s fall had and shattered and knocked down a half dozen more buildings that were now also lying in the swirling fury of frothing water.
Bolded "and" shouldn't be there.
the boat flew between a pair of street lights. We weren’t going down a river any more
Only one space after the period.
the top third had snapped back like a peppermint candy stick
Not wrong, but I think just "peppermint stick" is more common, concise, and equally descriptive.
How could a vertical wall of water move sideways? “Hang on,” Seabiscut screamed
Only one space after the question mark.
swirling froth of brown water. There was nothing I could do but clutch that rail with every bit of strength I could.
Three spaces after the first period. Also, in the second sentence, the double use of "could" sounds off to me, at least without anything following the second. Maybe end with "had" instead of could, or "could summon" or "muster" or something?
as the boat fell upside down. My breath blasted from my body
Three spaces after the period.
“But what did they do?” I asked with a little frown.
There should only be one space after the quotation.
“No! Please! I’m sorry!” Duct Tape begged as Daisy ploughed into the smaller gray mare and proceeded to pummel her.
"Mare" should probably be "filly" in this instance.
“Daisy!” I shouted in alarm, and the honey unicorn jumped as I raced to shove myself between her and the fetal Duct Tape.
Daisy is a pale/cream colored earth pony. Marmalade is the honey unicorn.
“Did your-“ was all I said.
Second hyphen for dash.
At least my PipBuck had saved me from some of the burns...but from the pain on my sides,
Space needed after ellipsis.
I strolled down the street as clear as day with Taurus’ rifle floating ahead of me.
Taurus's
I saw the spiked armor, the sawed off shotgun, and, most importantly, the half dozen hooves dangling off the sides of her barding. Most of all, I saw the eager grin that split her scarred face, yellowed eyes widening in glee at the sight of me.
You probably shouldn't have a "most importantly" and a "most of all" regarding the same object; there should only be one superlatively important feature. For the first, perhaps, "more importantly"?
Then the ripper roared as she sawed her head clean off in a fountain of blood that seemed to make the remaining raider stare in awe.
So, it looks like you treat "ripper" as a common noun. In the Fallout universe, "Ripper" is a trademarked proper noun, referring to a specific product line released by a company of the same name. Do you want to keep it common, or harmonize with the games? (It only comes up a dozen times, so it's not a huge issue either way.)
Another unicorn came out, spraying Rampage and myself wildly, and this close in the shots were much more effective.
"Me" might work better here.
The guts danged like garlands over the shelves.
"Dangled"?
Glory looted the sniper’s nest on the third floor and brought locked ammo containers down for P-21 and myself to open.
"and me," though BJ using "myeslf" where it doesn't really work seems like an ongoing theme.
Rampage was munching down in the raider’s stores;
"raiders' "
What are bombs and missiles to the energy of the cosmos itself?” she asked as she turned the weapon over again,
There should only be one space after the quotation.
BEEP! BEEP! BE-
Second hyphen for dash.
That might count as a doorbell though.
Comma before "though"?
Carefully, I gripped the door with my magic, imagining a canine Deus rushing out at me screaming ‘cunt’. Nothing however.
Since she didn't, I think, actually open the door, I think that "Nothing came [out], however," or some similar change might work better than just "came," where the way it is currently worded works better if she actually had opened the door and saw an empty room or hallway. However, this could just be because I interpret "gripped the door" as just a first step, rather than completing the action of opening it. Though I guess the dialog soon after suggests that she did open the door.
Then I heard the metallic click of a first aid kit being unlatched near the door to the bathroom. I turned. As it creaked open, a round tin fell into her hooves.
I suggest changing to "Glory's hooves" since it's probably (soon revealed to be) her (but could have been Rampage), and she hasn't been mentioned in two paragraphs.
She grit her teeth, trying to strangle her screams as piece after bloody piece was removed.
The past tense is "gritted."
I wasn’t going to allow a repeat of Thorn. I’d bury her alive
Only one space after the period.
All I’m going to do is sit here.” There was
There should be a second space after the quotation.
I probably wouldn’t have been able to stay in the Guard if he hadn’t-
Second hyphen for dash, closing quotation mark needed.
‘The Victory Plaza Rail Station.’ ‘Shadowbolt Tower.’ ‘Tunnel 456.’ ‘Luna Hydro Spark Generator System.’ ‘Tokamare Reactor Facility.’ All of them were stamped ‘Ministry of Wartime Technology: CLASSIFIED,’ ‘Ministry of Arcane Sciences: TOP SECRET,’
Candidates for moving, in the earlier cases, periods, and in the latter commas, to the outside of quotation marks. Also, three spaces after "Station.' ", "Tower.’ ", and "456.’ ".
One showed them dressed in army fatigues similar to that of Macintosh’s Marauders
"Those of"?
The other interesting thing were the newspapers.
"Things were" or "thing was."
beings known collectively as ‘Diamond Dogs.’
Possible case for moving period to outside of quotation marks.
Another article caught my eye: ‘Trail of Broken Diamonds.’
There should be only one space after the colon, and probable case for moving period to outside of quotation marks.
Some critics have dubbed the relocation the ‘Trail of Broken Diamonds,’
Comma to outside of quotation marks?
Ministry Mare Rarity was quoted saying, ‘Oh don’t worry about those things. They’re not like ponies, or even zebras. As long as there are some gems for them to dig up they’ll be perfectly fine. Well, except for the breath, and the fleas, and their nails, oh and don’t get me started on their manners!’
Should those be double quotation marks?
‘Hoofington - Goldenblood to welcome Diamond Dog workers for Reconstruction,’ and beneath it, ‘Goldenblood unfit for position?’
Possible second hyphen for dash and comma to outside of quotation marks.
His recent comments about ending the war at any cost has drawn many to question his commitment to serving Princess Luna and the kingdom.
"Have drawn."
He wore a faded and frayed collar studded with pale rhinestones and there was a weathered dog tag that read ‘Rover.’
Period to outside of quotation marks?
There might have only been two or three dozen at the most, and, even if these people were far stranger, there was no missing the signs of hunger; the slat sides and thin limbs.
Semicolon to comma?
Ever heard the phrase ‘too good to be true?’
Question mark to outside of quotation marks.
A M.o.I. letter asking if a particular brand of magic insecticide talismans were being accredited to the M.A.S. or the M.W.T.?
Suggest "An M.o.I. letter," suggest ending with period, not question mark.
contract agreements being negotiated with griffins to supplement pegasi forces during Winter Wrap Up,
"Pegasus forces"
The O.I.A. has a mission to fulfil and duties to perform.
Unless an error in context, "fulfill" ends with two ls.
‘Hoofington Rises?’
Question mark to outside of quotation marks.
I suspect the zebra’s poisons burned away all the nerve endings.
Probably "zebras' ".
The roles and obligations of government remain the same. Under Celestia,
Only one space after the period.
Somepony that can rally the peoples faith and deflect their criticisms.
"People's"
Actually...what pride?
Should be space after ellipsis.
A chip named ‘Go Fish,’ no doubt.
Comma to outside of quotation marks.
and don’t take it as an excuse to butcher every zebra from Glyphmark to Roam, people!”
Shouldn't end with a quotation mark.
Red Eye: it’s called ‘temperance;’ look it up.
Semicolon to outside of quotation marks.
I’d tell you to look up ‘restraint,’ too, but then you’d get all hung up on the collars and chains...
Comma to outside of quotation marks.
If ponies don’t help each other; who will?”
Semicolon to comma.
I just stood on the roof of the wheelhouse and looked back with Taurus’ rifle beside me, giving them my own baleful stare in return.
Taurus's
and had pulled it free of the mass. A larger scraggy mare was taking issue with his find,
Only one space after the period.
The Celestia’s now the local headquarters of the Steel Rangers.”
I think "Celestia" should be italicized.
I don’t have much dealings with them, since the Seahorse’s engine’s probably pretty high on their list of ‘Tech to Confiscate.’
The "s" probably shouldn't be italicized, and the period should probably be outside the quotation marks.
“The HMS Luna was bigger,”
From the depths of the sunken HMS Luna, I could see the telltale rainbow glow of magical radiation.
Inconsistent italicization of "HMS."
I normally never pass up liqueur that makes me blind, but I’ve got a long overdue appointment back home.”
Probably "liquor," not "liqueur."
We kept coming across signs of them: a bloody brahmin skull hammered into a tree. A pony stretched over a stump before being eaten.
The colon construction with plural signs makes me think that separating the two items in the list with a comma or semicolon makes more sense. Otherwise, the colon might be better as a period.
New Perk added: Light Trot- You are agile, lucky and always careful; or maybe you just mastered the art of self levitation. Either way you never set off landmines or floor based traps.
Second hyphen for dash, symmetrical spacing around dash, serial comma after "lucky."
“I dun wanna be Security, Momma. It’s no fun,” I muttered, looking up at my pink momma with her smart, indulgent smile and striped purple and red mane.
I'm pretty sure Gin Rummy's supposed to be lavender (but with pink eyes, though).
- Other Editing:
1: The look on Rivets’ face now, though…
Of course, this was why even most of the security ponies gave me a lot of space; nopony wanted to offend the boss’ daughter.
The Overmare might have had complete authority over the top half of the stable, but this was Rivets’ domain.
Rivets’ name was right underneath it.
"...s's "
The title caught my eye: ‘Enemys’ was crookedly scrawled at the top of the page in large, block print.
Just to be clear, that's just semi-literacy on the Overmare's part, right?
2: I wanted to be able to look forward to Rivets’ next game.
"Rivets's"
4: As I recalled, Deus’ courtesy involved a few pints of semen.
"Deus's"
8: I assumed the first orb had been Miss Glitterhooves’ memory: Garnet, recalling an actual meeting with Fluttershy, Cheerilee, and Redheart.
Suddenly I remember old Hoss’ journal entries at the flooded field farmhouse.
"...s's"
9: “Allow me,” I said as I floated the mine boss’ key to the lock, and opened it.
Once again, the mine boss’ keys expedited our entrance, much to P-21’s chagrin.
19: “I work… and I slave… and I try so hard to get caps for town… and you want thirty caps for a land mine?”
This is the only case where you have a space in "land mine."
I don't know, sorry.Icy Shake wrote:So, it looks like you treat "ripper" as a common noun. In the Fallout universe, "Ripper" is a trademarked proper noun, referring to a specific product line released by a company of the same name. Do you want to keep it common, or harmonize with the games? (It only comes up a dozen times, so it's not a huge issue either way.)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Roll_up_doorIcy Shake wrote:Huh? Roll-up door? What's that?
O. Hinds- Zebra Engineer
- Posts : 4863
Brohoof! : 383
Join date : 2012-05-09
Character List:
Name: Ris Haends Aeronauticus
Sex: Male
Species: Zebra
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
I am most of the way done with chapter 59, and I have a question.
Also I think I have an idea of where those zebras are coming from.
1)They obviously have souls
2)They're obviously not naturally born, but still have souls regardless
3)They have free will which is why they are killed if they disobey
Also I think I have an idea of where those zebras are coming from.
1)They obviously have souls
2)They're obviously not naturally born, but still have souls regardless
3)They have free will which is why they are killed if they disobey
- Spoiler:
- My guess is necromancy+cybernetics+clones=instant soldier.
If you can simply grow a cyborg soldier in a couple hours then fuck morals you're unstoppable. We know that FoE canon has necromany, we know it has cybernetics and we know clones do exist so why not combine the three?
Last edited by cb5 on Tue Sep 10, 2013 1:03 am; edited 1 time in total
cb5- Alicorn
- Posts : 1541
Brohoof! : 19
Join date : 2013-06-04
Page 18 of 29 • 1 ... 10 ... 17, 18, 19 ... 23 ... 29
Similar topics
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Page 18 of 29
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum