Sister forum[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Nov 02, 2014 1:43 am
Last wrote:swicked wrote:Last wrote:
- CH71 spoilers:
- Spoiler:
- Spoiler:
- Spoiler:
- I'm not sure who I expected, though I was leaning towards P-21.
Oh, and I'm currently only saying that Glory is probably dead. There are still quite a few ways she could have survived that. It's not likely, granted, but it's possible.
But, yes... the plot armor is off now. Blackjack, as the viewpoint character, is probably safe until the end... but everyone else?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Nov 02, 2014 2:20 am
- Spoiler:
- Yes, in retrospect, it is somewhat obvious. I'm rather biased here, though; that may have had some influence on my thoughts on the matter.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by CD Sun Nov 02, 2014 3:31 am
Argh, my feels! You hit me right in the feels Somber! How could you, I thought we were friends!?
Also, now is my time to go "told you so". I knew this twist was coming, and still my body wasn't ready for the knife jammed into my feels. And I'm loving every minute of it. This is why I read Fallout Equestria stories. I wonder who else gets George R.R. Martin'ed.
Also, now is my time to go "told you so". I knew this twist was coming, and still my body wasn't ready for the knife jammed into my feels. And I'm loving every minute of it. This is why I read Fallout Equestria stories. I wonder who else gets George R.R. Martin'ed.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by WavemasterRyx Sun Nov 02, 2014 5:13 am
- Chapter 71 Commentary:
This was a very well written chapter, sir, I'm sorry it gave you so much trouble.
The only part that seemed a bit off to me was Blackjack gloating to Amadi about Discord. Just the way they were speaking had me wondering if I was missing something, but if no one else mentions it being a problem (or can offer a more concrete detail of how it's "off" ) then it's just me, and you shouldn't worry.
"They seemed to be greeting me; zebras might think that stars were bad, and the Eater of Souls proved that some truly were, but I couldn’t believe they all were. Not all of them. So many stars amidst so much blackness… I felt tears on my cheeks." - A particularly touching piece.
Using the illusionary ponies to initiate the attack on the Space Center was an incredible tactical manoever, very impressive.
"'Dead?' I threw back my head and laughed. 'I’ve died three times, and it hasn't stuck yet. I’ve destroyed Goddesses and purged abominations from the land. I’ve broken the skies and cast down the towers. I’ve stood in the mouth of the Eater of Stars and walked out again.' I pointed my hoof at him and cried out, 'I am the Maiden of the Stars, Amadi. Say my name!' His eyes bulged, as if he were in a grip of a magic spell. 'Say it!' I ordered." - This is possibly my absolute favorite piece of the chapter. It practically oozes awesomeness and dramatic music.
I actually read the end of the chapter ahead of time, because I wanted to know what happened... It was very sad, and more after actually reading the small touches of Blackjack's hope for things working out. I've been preparing for it for a long time though... so I actually managed to not cry at all through the chapter, despite how sad it was. Perhaps knowing Puppy and RedEye were waiting to welcome her did help too, after all.
Well, that is to say, I managed not to cry at all right until, “Come back quick, Mama. Come back safe.”
I think that's really all I can say, probably more than I should... I'm sorry... I hope things will be alright for you, Somber, sir. Please try to take care.
*nuzzles Somber and Hinds each just barely*
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Nov 02, 2014 6:02 am
- Reply to Ryx:
Hm. That bit was one of the last parts we put in, and we were all rather tired by that point. Perhaps that explains why it seemed off? Hopefully most people won't mind, though.Ryx wrote:The only part that seemed a bit off to me was Blackjack gloating to Amadi about Discord. Just the way they were speaking had me wondering if I was missing something, but if no one else mentions it being a problem (or can offer a more concrete detail of how it's "off" ) then it's just me, and you shouldn't worry.
Ah, yes, I remember seeing the Puppy/Red Eye picture on your Tumblr. Is there a larger story behind it, or was it just a lone nice idea?Ryx wrote:Perhaps knowing Puppy and RedEye were waiting to welcome her did help too, after all.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Sun Nov 02, 2014 6:32 am
Saturday update!? I haven't been able to pull a late-night instant read in a while! One posted at six-seven doesn't count!
Thank you, Somber and crew, for the chapter. You're right: it's a hell of a place to leave off. I can see why this was a rough one to write and work with, but the end result was good. There's one thing I can say for sure: this hasn't been anticlimax.
Somber, best of luck with subbing and making it through the holidays.
- Chapter Seventy One Running Thoughts:
- Ooh! A ghost story for Halloween!
Wonder how long the third person will last
“Maybe the three of us?” Tenebra asked.
Umm, given I have a hard time not seeng P-21 involved . . .
........................Glory
......................../ |
P-21--Blackjack< |
......................?\ |
......................Tenebra
This is potentially getting complicated. And that's given no direct sexual OR romantic bond between P-21 and Glory. Or Blackjack and Boo.
Okay, I guess the answer was about a page and a half.
And that insidious part of myself that had always held me back, which had been fed by Psalm’s own torments, now whispered about how noble it would be for me to sacrifice myself for my friends. Give myself first. Make sure I died first. Then… then I wouldn’t have to see… who died next.
Well, I could grant that that had been a contributing factor, but it never especially seemed to me that her suicidal or self-destructive tendencies had been especially driven by not wanting to witness others die. Seemed more like deep-seated issues with herself. But as long as this doesn't push her back there, I think it's fine; it wasn't a change along this axis, after all, that resulted in her not wanting to die anymore back in 62.
“Nopony is going to die, Boo,” I told her, sniffing, the words halfway between a promise and a prayer. “It’s going to be like LittlePip’s fight. We’re going to go out there and kick flank, get my body back, and save the world. Just like LittlePip.”
I guess, granting it really meant "nobody important is going to die," with a value of "important" roughly equivalent to named characters Littlepip had previously worked with, that might be about true. But even granting that, and some optimism, it just kicks it back to a certain callousness behind the idea that if they don't have a special meaning to you personally, they don't really count.
“Let’s see. Got my bardin’. Got my guns. Got my ammo.” He blinked and then looked around. “Muh hat! Where’s my hat?”
“On your head, Calamity,” Homage replied as she checked a disintegration defender pistol.
Yeah, I've been there. Even worse, it was with glasses.
“You are a better person than you father, Lancer. You know that, right?”
Lancer blinked, then gave a weary smile. “I know so, but it remains for me to prove it.”
I don't know. Given reasonable assumptions about the distribution of good and evil among the population, it seems to me that the baseline would be anyone selected would be better than the Legate, and you would need significant evidence to support the hypothesis that the selection is even close to as bad as him. Probably easier to express in Bayesian terms, though.
Most prominent were the six sturdy concrete pads, a central one circled by five others, occupied by towers of metal, four floodlit and two dark.
Some connection to the Elements?
They seemed to be greeting me; zebras might think that stars were bad, and the Eater of Souls proved that some truly were, but I couldn’t believe they all were. Not all of them. So many stars amidst so much blackness… I felt tears on my cheeks.
Well, she believes that about everything. ;p
First hundreds and then thousands of attackers. I gaped in shock. Where had they all come from? If you armed every stallion, mare, and foal in the Hoof, you still wouldn’t have that many attackers streaking out in thick streams, firing wildly as they ran.
So clearly it isn't the people of the Hoof. Brood, is the obvious guess. Or an illusion.
“One of the blues was an Applewood special effects manager for the Ministry of image. We actually planned on using this trick against Red Eye when he turned against us.”
That seems oddly cunning for the Goddess, who mostly liked operating directly, I thought. But then, if she were going to go with any alternative plan, it would be smoke and mirrors, wouldn't it?
“Wait? What’s plan Ceeeeeeeeeeeee!” I screamed as the telekinetic field holding us disappeared.
Yep. Telegraphed nicely. And I sure get why they didn't tell Blackjack what the plan was.
“Because you would have insisted on plan D, which would have probably have involved either some horrible attempt to parlay our way in, intruding through some horrible muck-filled pipes, or attempting to charge the lines.”
“Because those are all sane plans!”I countered as we drifted down. Finally, though my panic abated to the point of rational thought. “...Okay. Seriously, this was genius, but I really would have loved trying to talk my way in at gunpoint.”
“I know,” she said.
Man, gotta love Blackjack, not to mention how well she and Glory play off each other.
Boo charged forward as well, and a frisson shot up my spine. What was she doing? She didn’t have a gun or barding! One of the Brood turned his guns towards her, and I shouted a warning, about to fire a magic bullet. Then the Brood’s magazine inexplicably ejected as the automatic rifle jammed.
She's still got it!
“Not fightin'. Playin. Discord showed me how.” Little statements like that got the oddest looks, but now wasn't the time for elaboration.
Glad to see Blackjack's keeping up the habit of not telling people things!
Glory trotted up to where I was still tangled up in the lines. She looked down at me with a patient, almost maternal smile. “Blackjack. I broke up with you, remember? Stop trying to tempt me.”
I grinned up at her. “Hey. I’m nothing if not persistent.”
True, that.
Damn! Hope someone draws that Cognitum; that sounds awesome!
“Of course, o Goddess of Equestria,” he said with a bow of his head. “And then I shall be rewarded,” he said with a chuckle. “We shall all get precisely what we deserve.”
“Oh yes,” she replied, smiling beatifically at him.
Quick! How long can we go with a conversation consisting of cliches signaling each intends to betray the other?
Maybe we could somehow, some way, get the Elements of Harmony to banish me to the moon... but I doubted it.
Well, and that would depend on it being a very specific kind of banishing, too. Never been a fan of the "Luna/NMM walking around on the surface of the moon" style banishment, myself.
Glory cried out as several rounds struck her leather flight jacket, and I felt the familiar thud of impacts absorbed by my operative barding.
Oh, did she lose the dragonhide jacket at some point? That's too bad.
In the space of a second, everything in that hall had been obliterated. Six meaty mounds of scrap where they’d stood, and two dozen shell casings littered the floor around me.
Almost 1500 12-gauge rounds per minute? No wonder she can't handle it!
“Okay…” I said breathlessly. “I hereby dub thee... Sexy!”
Can't argue with that. Kind of wishing it were "Big Sexy," but I just know it'd leave me feeling wrong for its name to be a Molestia reference.
“Hey. I can do profound,” I said as I pouted at her. “And ‘Sexy’ is profound. It fucks the target over any leaves them a complete wreck afterwards.”
“In that case, shouldn’t you name it ‘Blackjack’?” Scotch Tape asked.
Hey now, that only works if the gun ends up in almost as bad shape as the targets.
There should have been some kind of massive sign that read ‘control room’! Or maybe a map with a convenient ‘you are here’ label. I was going to fail simply because I was lost.
That's one of the reasons I've tended to have problems with first-person video games.
“Blackjack? Are you sure?” Glory asked.
“Shh! Don’t doubt the Boo!” I warned as I turned and raced in the direction she’d pointed.
It only works as long as you don't question it!
These Starkatteri are pretty cool.
“Hey, you! Fight me!” Scotch demanded. “Ain’t ya got spooky star stuff to spout at me?”
“Yeah yeah. Nibiru curse you. Whatever,”
I like her.
I was taken by how pretty she was for her age, despite the arcane markings on her delicate face. Even Scotch Tape gaped for a second. “Busy now.”
“D-Don’t you ignore me!” Scotch Tape yelled, her cheeks flaming, diving at her.
Well, it's not like Blackjack's never had that problem *ahem*Lancer*ahem*.
Once Cognitum had fixed Tom’s trajectory, why risk combat with her? Let her come back triumphant and be vaporized as soon as she landed. Not even a cyberpony could survive that!
That's right! It takes a cyberpony and an alicorn!
A moment later, there was pop and then a hiss as water poured down from ceiling sprinklers. The dragon roared in agony before melting away, and Eurydale shrieked as her glowing red powder suddenly became so much dull red mud. “No! No!” she cried as Glory rose to her hooves, beam gun clenched in her jaws. The zebra flung globs of the soaked powder at Glory as she approached. “Dagon! Dagon, burn her! Burn them all!” She teared up as she stared at the red goop running down her hooves. “Dagon, why have you forsaken me?”
Speaking of rookie mistakes . . .
But really, that sprinklers only came on at that point is a reflection either of the sensors' decay or the really bad safety systems of wartime Equestria.
Also, man, this is just kind of sad. Hope the others put on a better show going forward.
Glory gave the burned mare a shooty look, and I wondered if this was going it be it: was she going to become an executioner?
I feel pretty iffy on this, but sure, it's at least quite a bit better supported than the whole thing with Lighthooves.
“You don’t have to,” I countered. “The Eater of Souls got a pony to bind a star to the stone that Cognitum is sending straight to the Core.”
Again, that satisfying expression of shock… though it wasn’t as funny the second time around. “Atropos”, the small one said, “I’m seeing a gap in the shadows... but I don’t know why.” She stared at me. “Who are you?”
I am . . . the Protagonist.
“Especially not her rear,” I added with a smirk.
Scotch Tape glowered at me as she replied in icy tones, “Yes. Especially not that.” She stared at the door. “Enemies aren’t allowed to be cute like that!”
“Zebras are just like that sometimes,” I said, trying not to think of Lancer atop me, as I tried my broadcaster but got only static.
Glad I'm not the only one who thought of that.
It was a little unsettling, though. Every time the moment came close, we’d take cover with no sign of the Brood. Then they’d come around a corner or out a door and just miss us.
I forget: do the Brood not show up as red in EFS? Or is this a case where there are so many enemies, EFS is useless and either turned off or better-off turned off? (Or does the interference around hit EFS as well as transmitters?)
Okay, I think maybe they don't. Still could come into play with the Starkatteri, though.
“We require reinforcements,” I heard one of the two Brood mares say in Silver Stripe’s monotone.
Heh.
“You know you’re better off with him,” she said quietly.
"I'm betterer off with both of you."
Insufficient self-esteem for everyone!
“Congradulations. You’re the leader,” I said as I trotted over to him, trying to ignore the explosions in the hall behind us.
The mispronunciation kind of sells the snark here.
‘Balefire bomb targeting space center. Get out. Do better. Blackjack.’ If they didn’t think I’d sent her... well... there wasn’t much I could do about that.
Given what she's done before, I'm almost disappointed she didn't include "Not mine."
And, let’s be honest, I am going to be a much better mother to my babies than you ever will be.” There was a pause. “Did you just bite the intercom?”
I wasn’t going to answer that, no matter how much my teeth hurt.
That was pretty good
“No! Damn it!” I shouted as he shoved me towards the line of bright talismans. I’d been so sure she’d face me personally.
"It's not always about you"
But yeah, smart antagonist is smart, with her eyes on the prize.
“Dead?” I threw back my head and laughed. “I’ve died three times, and it hasn't stuck yet. I’ve destroyed Goddesses and purged abominations from the land. I’ve broken the skies and cast down the towers. I’ve stood in the mouth of the Eater of Stars and walked out again.” I pointed my hoof at him and cried out, “I am the Maiden of the Stars, Amadi. Say my name!” His eyes bulged, as if he were in a grip of a magic spell. “Say it!” I ordered.
For all she was going on about how he liked to talk, to gloat in his accomplishments, she's not too shabby at it either. But then, she has a purpose behind it.
Then he froze as he stared at the ground behind him, and the letters L, E, G, A, T, and E written ten feet tall inside a crimson arrow pointing right at him.
Clever.
More and more Remnant were emerging, and baffled, battered Harbingers were showing themselves as well, the ponies looking around as if not sure what they should do now. Had they finally gotten the same message that Nails had given the other Harbinger groups, or were they simply realizing that they were in over their heads?
"Man, I didn't sign up for this mystical shit. I'm gettin' a smoke."
As we speak, that fool is travelling to the moon. She carries the soul of the true Maiden within her, and without that, you cannot defeat the Eater of Souls.
Way to monologue parts of the answer to your enemies, dumbass. Especially right after they surprised you with what they've managed already.
My leg was twisted around, the pain so sharp and real that I almost wished I had my old body back.
Well, I mean, because of that. Rather than just to have the babies back. And the practical matter of that meaning the Cognitum issue would be solved, or closer to solved, anyway.
“You are not the Maiden,” she said. “You are the Fool.”
Maiden, Fool, Gambler; pick one already! XD
“That Starkatteri mare called me the Gambler, though,” I said with a little bafflement.
Oh hey.
“Blackjack, look out!” Boo shouted from below. I stared down at where the blank mare stared up at me. “Tank!” she shouted, pointing her hoof to the side.
Wow, she made good time.
There was a sharp ping, and a rivet near the bottom of the gantry popped out. As I watched, the bolts were turning slowly in their sockets as the vibration only grew more and more intense. I remembered how the Legate fought, his blows disturbing the energy in a body. This gantry was just one enormous body, and he was adding more and more energy to it, resonating it at the perfect frequency to shake it apart.
Neat use of his abilities. You'd think he could do something more direct, though, especially since it's not like he could die from anything.
“Dud?” I asked with a frown.
“No. I just trusted him to know more about flashbangs than you,” P-21 replied as he carefully picked up the grenade and tossed it over the edge. For a brief moment, I wondered if I’d been insulted or not, but I really didn’t have time to ponder the issue.
Yeah, pretty clearly you were.
The Legate stood in the middle of the circle of rockets as the flames danced around the launchpad. His blood-red stripes seemed to glow with a light that outshone the roaring glare and chaos that reigned around him. Brood against Harbingers. Remnant verses Brood. Reapers fighting Remnant. Brood slaughtering Reapers. And in the eye of the madness, in the center of the grated hole of the ESS-A1’s launchpad, thin warm steam rising around him, stood the striped stallion.
Ooh, nice.
So I smashed the gun across his face. He whirled around, but this time I reversed my swing immediately, keeping the metal between him and me, and he slammed his foreleg against the stout barrel. I was rewarded with the sight of his foreleg bending like clay around the metal with a crackling noise like snapping plywood, but even more satisfying was the look of shock on his face.
Never underestimate unique, named weapons.
I looked down into the bloody ruin of his chest cavity and saw his heart. It reminded me of the phoenix talisman, but carved from a dark stone. Spiral runes and zebra glyphs decorated its surface.
Yep, I have an idea of what's coming.
Oh shit. “You’re going to launch the missile,” I whispered. His eyes narrowed as his smile widened. Time seemed to slow as our eyes met and that moment of clarity and understanding joined us. The noise, the battle, the Legate suddenly didn’t matter. “We have to go! Now! Right now!”
And that's why you should have listened to the smart ponies.
“There was a catastrophic failure of the LOX hoses and the pump safeties on the first loading. We wrote the rocket off, given that it’s the oldest model we have we could make work at all. First generation. The fuel is loaded; we’d nearly finished that last time, and there’s nothing wrong with that system.”
Anyone want to put odds on it being the one that took Marigold to the moon?
Boo hugged me back and sniffed, “Come back quick, Mama. Come back safe.” And then she was gone, running back as quickly as she could.
Aww . . .
I rose to my hooves as Scotch Tape strapped herself in as well. “Hang tight. I’ll be right there!” I said as I started towards the door.
It swung shut in my face. There was the sound of bolts being driven into the hatch with whirring noise.
Ah, someone making the right--rather than satisfying--call for her.
“Open this thing, Scotch!” I said, looking at all the knobs and levers. I whipped my head around and screamed, “Open it right now! I have to get to her!”
Scotch Tape stared at me. Tears streaked her cheeks as she stared from me to the shivering P-21. “Do it!” I screamed at her.
“No,” P-21 said through his chattering teeth.
“I’d do it for you!” I yelled at him. “I’d do it for you, Scotch!” I snapped at the stricken filly.
“And she is doing it for you,” he answered, tears streaking the lingering frost on his cheeks. “Just like we would do it for you.”
No. No no no! “I don’t want anyone to die for me!” I said as I slammed my shoulder against the hatch. Where was the ‘emergency open’? Something! “Glory!” I sobbed.
And, naturally, we have Blackjack trying really hard to do the very thing that made Glory feel that she couldn't stay with her.
What was one life to that of the whole world?
Everything.
It was a price to be paid. I could accept that. What I could not accept was another person paying it.
God, could you be, like, any more Blackjack?
“Blackjack,” she murmured, smiling as she wept. “Tomorrow.”
Oh god. Why?
And there’s at least another four chapters of this to go. Seems Somber’s not gonna be happy unless I end up with cirrhosis.
Yet again, PH proves itself to be Xeno's fanfic. (The ride never ends!)
- Chapter Seventy One Overall Thoughts:
- That was really something. The whole thing had an intensity to it that never really let up, but somehow I didn't end up exhausted (or, more than I'd expect at 5:00 AM before counting the effect of the time change). Maybe it was knowing someone was going to bite it, but the action had me hooked more than normal. I was a little let down by the sprinklers, though, and it did seem like Blackjack talked her way through the Starkatteri a little too easily. That said, I enjoyed how Blackjack had, in the end, the same talks-too-much problem the Legate did, with their roles reversing from earlier, he then trying to delay her, and her emotional impulses getting in the way of what she should have been doing.
We're really starting to get to a weird place, now, where almost everyone seems to be on the same side. The Remnant are with the rest, or at least no longer with the Legate, and it seems that the Harbingers are at least getting split. Probably good, then, that we're leaving Hoofington, since I'm not sure how well things can really support a situation where the vast, vast majority of real people are on the same side, with just robots and maybe a fraction of the Harbingers (including Captains Icyhot?) stay with the Legate and Cogs.
That ending, now! I had concerns about how things would work if it ended up being Glory who died, with the possibility that it would leave the breakup as kind of a plot cul-de-sac. I think that that was avoided, though, with the repeated focus on dealing with it "tomorrow" (which, with its heavy repetition, worked to foreshadow she wasn't making it, though it could have been a red herring--I was pretty scared P-21 might also end up dead, given his condition at the end, but it seems like he'll probably stabilize after the acceleration is over and they can give him some potions), leading up to a killer of a goodbye. (Also, that whole thing about Blackjack getting sacrifice but not wanting anyone else to have to be the one to give it? Both great, very much her, and notably pretty much exactly what made Glory feel she couldn't stay Blackjack's partner. And that helped with the closure, too.)
- Chapter Seventy One Editing:
- “If it grants father vision again,” Tenebra murmured,
"father" should be capitalized
“You were wonderful,” Tenebra countered at once, “though I’m glad you stopped trying to tie me up. And it was nice to do it without… well… everything. Whisper often tried to trigger an attack at her ‘parties’. It was… aggravating… unlike this,” Tenebra said, followed by the sounds of kissing.
right now, the second part of the quotation is double-tagged. I suggest making the comma after "once" a period, or reworking the end so the sounds of kissing part no longer includes a speech tag.
It was like LittlePip’s mintals addiction;
"Mint-al" (captalized, hyphenated, singular: "amphetamine addiction," not "amphetamines addiction")
“Well duh, mama. It ends with pzow pzow,
"mama" should be capitalized
and he continued, facing me, “I have
two spaces after second comma
“I hope they changetheir minds soon,”
should have space in "changetheir"
position close enough to use a nightvision scope to see
"night vision"
There’s a good chance that, one way or another that depot is getting taken out
comma after "another", or no comma after first "that"
“But–“
inverted quotation mark
the inky black of the reservoir and the Hoofington river behind us
"river" should be capitalized
herself along my bodyto a position across from
should have space in "bodyto"
how high we were. Well…
only one space after period
Applewood special effects manager for the Ministry of image.
"image" should be capitalized
launching with a full on attack going
"full-on"
“Ow...” The Purple shuddered.
"Purple" shouldn't be capitalized
falling faster and faster ‘till I transformed
shouldn't have apostrophe
a little cloth coming out and catching the air and then dragging out a giant pink chute. It unfolded, catching the air and expanding into a round parachute
cut the second "catching the air [and]"?
are all sane plans!”I countered as we
need space after quotation
Finally, though my panic abated
comma after "though"
into glittering heaps of blue, green and red dust.
comma after "green"
your knees and roll’ thing. With the battle raging
only one space after period
“Not fightin'. Playin. Discord showed
only one space after periods, need apostrophe for "Playin"
“Oh.” I murmured as
period to comma
“Woah. Wicked,” she murmured as
"Whoa"
sinews of cables visible where the metallic
"sinews of cable"?
than I had the old ones, which had been more like a phantom limb.
"like phantom limbs"
are certain Reapers and gangs. Their attack is a
only one space after period
lumps of tissue inside you?” The Legate asked,
"The" shouldn't be capitalized
up to the open hatch at top of the rocket,
"at the top"
two seats surrounded by controls and screens stood atop by a narrow spiral staircase leading down.
I don't think "atop" should be there
I stepped around, the corner they
shouldn't have comma after "around", maybe after "corner"
catch a pony by it’s
"its"
sealing Boo outside the Planetarium.
"Planetarium" shouldn't be capitalized, I think
the periphery of the room. Three adults and a foal,
only one space after period
your weak technology,” the mare as she drew
"the mare said"
and fired a volley of S.A.T.S. guided magic
"S.A.T.S.-guided"?
“D-Don’t you ignore me!” Scotch Tape yelled, her
should have only one space after quotation
from any of Pew Pew’s beams that
"Pew-Pew"
the one flinging red dust cackled. “One specially treated with our magics to disrupt any pitiful pony shield talismans she might try to defend herself with! She’ll be vaporized before she even realizes she was used!
“We shall rule forever!” the scarred one crowed.
is there really a point to the paragraph break? It's still the same one talking, I think, and it's not like that was a big change in content.
snapped the mutated balefire bomb zebra
maybe "powder" or "dust"? or just "balefire"? "bomb" seemed pretty strongly linked to the megaspell version only,
before her nor drop the dangling pendant, even
"dropped"
We sought to use him for our own empowerment, for he is vast source of power.
"a vast source"? (dialog)
Made any real plans past ‘restoring the Core?’
question mark to outside of quotation marks
Naturally, any sane," and here she eyed
non-directional quotation mark
heaved a sigh, "and many not-so-sane
non-directional quotation mark
Naturally, any sane," . . . "and many not-so-sane zebras, Starkatteri or not, knows such a fate
"zebras, ... know" or "[,] zebra, ... knows"? (dialog)
I shoulda’ known something bad
shouldn't have apostrophe there
“Ready ta’ go?”
shouldn't have apostrophe there
“Wait!” the filly ran up to us holding scraps of paper with some numbers scribbled on them.
...
way and Pythia’s little scrap of times
should match: both "scraps" or both "[a] scrap"
One of the zebra technicians began to creep towards an intercom panel on the wall, looking quite hesitant to do do
"to do so"?
MTRpg engines ever designed, with a TWR of–"
non-directional quotation mark
I thought it would, Blackjack.” Scotch Tape apologized from
quotation should end with comma, should have only one space after
“Your baby?” Cognitum murred. Then her voice
should there be only one space after the quotation? also, three spaces after period
"Clear Pad Six immediately. Launch sequence initiated,"
non-directional quotation marks
"Clear Pad Six immediately…"
non-directional quotation marks
Stop her Rampage!
comma after "her"
stared up and the now-hidden sk
"up at the"
"No…" I whispered into the quiet
non-directional quotation marks
rally this pitiful resistance?!” He said as he gestured
should have only one space after quotation, "He" shouldn't be capitalized
exploits in the shadows ‘till you could
"till" shouldn't have apostrophe
I saw more bars turn yellow then stay red.
"than stay"
“Now damn it!”
comma after "Now"
despair for others,” She replied.
"She" shouldn't be capitalized
The cyberponies were trying to duct tape explosives to the booster, but precision snipers were blowing holes in their heads before they could.
"cyberzebras"?
The snipers opened up and picked off the Brood ponies racing us.
"zebras"?
and swivelling its cannons towards
"swiveling"
It exploded like a firecracker in a flamethrower’s scream.
"stream"?
The bulwark collapsed, and the entire flaming wreck tipped over collapsed on the tank.
delete the second "collapsed"
all around it and burning on the its launch tower.
delete "the" or "its"
We crossed the central pad, Boo scooping Scotch onto her back after seeing the smaller mare struggling to keep up, one of the few places that wasn’t on fire, making our way to the base of the gantry.
separating "central pad" from "one of the few..." leaves the sentence feeling disjointed. Suggest a reordering, maybe something along the lines of:
"We crossed the central pad, one of the few places that wasn’t on fire, Boo scooping Scotch onto her back after seeing the smaller mare struggling to keep up as we made our way to the base of the gantry.
“I don’t think so, Blackjack!” Scotch Tape shouted as
should have only one space after quotation
It’s the last one!” I shouted, starting
should have only one space after quotation
Apparently there were still brood that hadn’t gotten the memo they’d won.
"brood" should be capitalized
Get to pad one,” I frowned and looke
d
comma should be period, should have second space after quotation
he shrieked in glee, revelling in the slaughter
"reveling"
“Right now, I am sending every brood I have to blast her to
"brood" should be capitalized
I blinked at him, then over at the lump reconstituting lump of pure,
delete first "lump"
it would have rivalled a balefire bomb for its fury.
"rivaled"
and as little P-21’s danced in my vision
"P-21s"
so I did the only thing I could: I bit down hard on his tail,
should have only one space after colon
I pulled two out two more,
delete first "two"
head again and again ‘till finally the zebra
"till" shouldn't have apostrophe
“Please, Glory… Please…”
should have second space after first ellipsis, or not capitalize second "Please"
“Because those are all sane plans!”I countered as we
need space after quotation
Luna Space Center had been hit by a some heavy firepower
delete "a"
Cognium asked him sharply, the hovering
"Cognitum"
Nothin’ stops Bwackjack!” Boo agreeded.
"agreed"
around us came more sounds of gunfire as as the Harbingers attacked
repeated "as"
Almostly unanimously, the remaining red bars turned yellow.
"Almost"
He gaped at the the Remnant as they turned from him
repeated "the"
Thousands of of years of hatred,
repeated "of"
Because Discord convinced Conitum to take my soul and put it in this blank.”
"Cognitum"
I can’t read a manual for a rocketship in three minutes!”
"rocket ship"
Thank you, Somber and crew, for the chapter. You're right: it's a hell of a place to leave off. I can see why this was a rough one to write and work with, but the end result was good. There's one thing I can say for sure: this hasn't been anticlimax.
Somber, best of luck with subbing and making it through the holidays.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Nov 02, 2014 7:51 am
@Icy Shake:
Ah, thank you.
Ah, thank you.
- Spoiler:
- …So, four non-direction quotation marks in close proximity. I delete and replace each. Three of them look, when I put my face close to the screen and squint, like they're still non-directional. The other seems to have changed as I expected it to. Sorry; I don't know how this works or how to control it. It doesn't seem an especially big problem, though.
No, I think that it's meant to be as it is; sorry.Icy Shake wrote:"stream"?
No, one word, I think, sorry.Icy Shake wrote:"rocket ship"
Would that not count as leather? Hm. I'll go ahead and change it, just in case.Icy Shake wrote:Oh, did she lose the dragonhide jacket at some point? That's too bad.
Hah, that's what I thought! :DIcy Shake wrote:The mispronunciation kind of sells the snark here.
Though I remember it being decided to take this out… eh. [shrugs]
Heh.Icy Shake wrote:Given what she's done before, I'm almost disappointed she didn't include "Not mine."
A reference to Xeno's Paradox, I assume.swicked wrote:...wha?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Harmony Ltd. Sun Nov 02, 2014 8:04 am
Never did the "stream of thought" thing, but I think I may try it this time.
- Spoiler:
I've got a feeling that if you were to try to make the SPECIAL of Boo, all number put on the Luck line would spontaneously turn into a snack cake. That girl is a singularity.
Freaky star magic!
The tension is suffocating. Or is it all that dust?
Ten thousand years? Yeah, I suspected those 4 weren't newcomers, but this puts us back quite a lot.
Defeated by 200 years old fire hydrants? Talk about sweet poetic justice.
And that's why it's always preferable to put points in Speech rather than Guns when you can.
I've lost count of how many "villains" she's managed to subvert to her cause since the beginning, to be honest.
"I am the Storm That Is Coming. And I have only one thing to tell you: Run"
Inb4 Boo revealed to be the Maiden.
An unapologeptic regenerating villain stuck in a grate? Where did I see that before, again?
I should probably feel empathy for BJ, but right now the only thing I can think about is "focus, you're on a mission you fool."
Now that's what I call a send-off.
--- post chapter ---
Yeah, I guess why I had difficulties empathizing with BJ's was that I simply had faith that she was going to find a way to survive this. The control-room looked quite sturdy, and if the Luna Space Center is anything like Maripony, it's not a simple balefire detonation that's going to spell the doom of Glory. If anything I'd worry more about blood loss.
So, yeah, for now I assume she survives until proven otherwise. There's no reason only BJ can manage that kind of things.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vergil Sun Nov 02, 2014 10:15 am
- Spoiler:
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 11 Golden10](https://i.servimg.com/u/f39/17/60/28/17/golden10.jpg)
Hinds, please tell me you play KSP!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Evilgidgit Sun Nov 02, 2014 11:20 am
- Spoiler:
- I had to re-read those last couple of pages, thinking everything would be fine. Then I remembered the missile. Stupid liquid pride! This was a great chapter.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Borsuq Sun Nov 02, 2014 12:28 pm
Before I say what I want to say the most, let me say something that I think I say everytime: the chapter was awesome!
Now:
Now:
- Spoiler:
- Yeah, sorry, but if reading, watching and playing a LOT of fantasy had learned me anything, then it's not believing somebody is dead until you see the body. There are a few ways for Glory to survive this, and one actually happened in the game we all know. Although that's not my preferable way for her to survive, but...
Also, Blackjack stubborness can break the laws of physics, magic and afterlife. I doubt that something like Glory dying will stop her from working things out between them tomorrow.
Heck, a rather related matter had happened in the last Doctor Who episode, the one that aired yesterday. Funny coincidence, but if it could happen there, it could also in PH.
But if not, if Somber had really killed her off... Which I really find hard to believe, you're already teased us once with that. True, when I started reading (about a year ago), I didn't technically have to wait for the chapter, so I should know that Glory was alive after her fall... but I read that chapter late at night, so I went to sleep, thinking that she was dead! I had troubles falling asleep because of that! And then next day I wake up and read she was okay.
Back to the subject... if Somber had decided that Glory had escaped death long enough, then... Well, I'm glad that you at least showed us that she was willing to work something out with Blackjack. It made me feel better, even if that made her death seem much more cruel.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Sun Nov 02, 2014 1:59 pm
O. Hinds wrote:
- Spoiler:
- Spoiler:
- No, it would count. I guess I just wasn't thinking, and may have read in more damage done to her than actually happened at the time. By the end of the chapter it was pretty clear what it was and that it was still helping a lot. Maybe should have gone back and adjusted that comment.
Yep. Long time ago, Somber said hopefully ten chapters left. Ten chapters later, he said there were about ten left, and someone on FimFic (not me, but it's what got me to notice this) quoted that chapter note. 63 was hoping to move on to other projects by 2015, which did happen thanks to not waiting for PH to be wrapped up. 60 was Thunderhead in 1-2, Core in 2-3, story in 5, which wasn't too far off (I think 1 + a double-length/split for Thunderhead, and three-and-a-fraction for the Core) until you got out of the Core. 65 had "I swear I'm going to have this finished inside three years," which is, I think, either long gone at this point or a claim he's not going to hit near 100 chapters. In 66 it was "I'm not sure if I'll get to the end before 70." Then at the end of 67, it was "hopefully by the end of the year," so that was June, making the estimate ~ six or seven chapters on the high end.O. Hinds wrote:A reference to Xeno's Paradox, I assume.swicked wrote:...wha?
As a reader, I'm completely fine with this (and no, Somber, it doesn't mean you're "scum"); as a Somber supporter, I'm sad that it's continuing to hang over his head so much longer than expected. But most of all, it's a little bit of support for the saying "it is always dangerous to prophesy, particularly about the future." That said, having some guidance is nice, even if it seems to be biased towards aggressive estimates.
And oh yeah. That gun name.
Swicked didn't get his lick, though.
Last edited by Icy Shake on Sun Nov 02, 2014 2:08 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Somber Sun Nov 02, 2014 2:03 pm
Does too mean I'm scum...
q.q
q.q
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Evilgidgit Sun Nov 02, 2014 3:22 pm
No, it doesn't!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Sun Nov 02, 2014 3:40 pm
There, there. No need to cry. You're not a bad person; you just made some bad estimates.Somber wrote:Does too mean I'm scum...
q.q
(Fluttershy will make everything better. Unless she dooms us all through ill-conceived treason.)
Tried using the embed function, but the jump-to-timestamp wasn't working, and the point was muddied a bit without it.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Derpmind Sun Nov 02, 2014 3:55 pm
Somber wrote:Does too mean I'm scum...
q.q
I met a traveler from the heat death of the universe. He said he'd found a broken statue in the desert, nothing but a pony's head glaring with endless frustration on the ground next to four broken legs atop a pedestal. And on the pedestal these words appear: 'My name is Somber, scum of scum: Look on my works, ye Mighty, and despair!' Far off to the side, there remains a single metal tablet bearing but one message: 'The End.'
Harmony Ltd. wrote:
- Spoiler:
- Spoiler:
- Part of me is hoping that we get to see Cyber Glory, but even though I saw it coming a mile away Somber still managed to make it really, really hurt. Seriously, every scene with Glory just... popped. Brilliantly. (And btw, I can't be the only one who thought that Glory purposefully activated that sprinkler system, only we didn't see it.)
Goodnight Glory. Hope to see you in the morning...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by WavemasterRyx Sun Nov 02, 2014 4:03 pm
- Reply to Hinds:
Well that's understandable, with how much time all of you put into working on it. But yeah, it should be fine.O. Hinds wrote:Hm. That bit was one of the last parts we put in, and we were all rather tired by that point. Perhaps that explains why it seemed off? Hopefully most people won't mind, though.
Ah, well I think the idea was kinda based on the Everafter in Pink Eyes... or at least what I think I remember hearing of it being endless fields of flowers. I've drawn it one time before, with some added villa architecture, and since people liked the idea then I'd just kept it around. Or if you meant the idea of Puppy and RedEye specifically being the ones waiting, I'm not sure... for some reason I just really think they're cute together...O. Hinds wrote:Ah, yes, I remember seeing the Puppy/Red Eye picture on your Tumblr. Is there a larger story behind it, or was it just a lone nice idea?
*nuzzles just barely* I don't think you're scum, sir...Somber wrote:Does too mean I'm scum...
q.q
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by tylertoon2 Sun Nov 02, 2014 5:20 pm
- Spoiler:
- I'm going to be disappointed if Glory wasn't killed off for real, the scene was well done and all the emotions you had us feel would be wasted if it turns out to be another damned "Gotcha!" That said this chapter was one hell of a ride and I can't wait to see what somber has cooked up for the endgame.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Somber Sun Nov 02, 2014 6:03 pm
To quote Blackjack: "I'm not going to believe she's dead unless she dies in my hooves! So till then she's alive! I don't care how! She is!"
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Harmony Ltd. Sun Nov 02, 2014 6:29 pm
Glory currently exist ls in a state of quantum uncertainty, where she is both alive and dead until we finally get to observe either her dead body or her what is left alive of her.
Until then, we can only extrapolate statistical chances that final observation bring one result or another.
In laymans terms: she isn't dead until we find the body.
Until then, we can only extrapolate statistical chances that final observation bring one result or another.
In laymans terms: she isn't dead until we find the body.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Silver136 Sun Nov 02, 2014 6:51 pm
I kind of want Glory to be dead...if only for closure.
In all seriousness though, incredible chapter. I wasn't too surprised by the Glory fiasco (not spoilering because it seems we've passed that point), but that's probably because I'm the evil sadist always looking for who's gonna die next. As Heartshine said, the line about sacrifice and who's making it was extremely good and hit hard. I generally feel the same way.
So, all in all, an exceptional chapter. Tore me up in almost every way, but hey! That's life.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Nov 02, 2014 8:43 pm
Yes, though not at the moment (I'd just gotten a really nice Duna ship painstakingly assembled and tanked up in orbit, I had a new heavy-lift launch vehicle, I had plans for a space station… and then 0.25 dropped and broke everything. My usual pattern is "Get into it, start building things up, visit the Mun and maybe Minmus (oh, and I had such nice Mun and Minmus programs this time around), prepare a space station and/or a crewed mission to another planet, have the next version arrive and break the save, lost motivation and go focus on other things, start wanting to get back into it, repeat".). Why?Vergil wrote:Hinds, please tell me you play KSP!
- Spoiler:
- So denial of Glory's death is a common thing, it appears! Nice to know I'm not alone in thinking of ways the "boring" pony could have made it. :)
Ah, thanks. The text file idea is a good one, but I'm not that bothered about the quotation marks either.Icy Shake wrote:Also, yeah, the quotation marks aren't a huge issue. I don't know why it happens in most cases (I'm pretty sure that sometimes it's caused by word processors not thinking dashes/hyphens are terminal punctuation, but that doesn't cover everything). When it ends up a problem for me (also with some other things, like needing accents or dashes, especially in text editor rather than word processor settings), I just have a text file handy with things like – — “ ” ‘ ’ Π é in it. The accented e is especially helpful for me since otherwise I'd have code comments with homonyms that mean very different things but could both make sense in context. And that's not helpful to anyone.
Well, hey, Blackjack had other things on her mind, and she might have burned her tongue so soon after firing. :DIcy Shake wrote:Swicked didn't get his lick, though.
@Ryx:
Ah, okay. I never finished Pink Eyes, and as for Puppy/Red Eye… well, my strongest association with that at the moment is a picture you drew of them, so of course it being cute comes to mind. :)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Syroc Sun Nov 02, 2014 8:53 pm
Y'know, awhile back I happened to be looking up various flower meanings and I noticed that one for a morning glory was... 'love in vain', and then I was all like "son of a bitch", because I guess I should have seen that coming.
Then early on in the chapter and everyone was talking about maybe getting things back together I was like "son of bitch!" Because Glory makes me smile.
And then the chapter ended. And I was like "son of a bitch..."
I think I'm gonna go find something I can hug.
Then early on in the chapter and everyone was talking about maybe getting things back together I was like "son of bitch!" Because Glory makes me smile.
And then the chapter ended. And I was like "son of a bitch..."
I think I'm gonna go find something I can hug.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scienza Sun Nov 02, 2014 9:38 pm
Just began reading through the chapter. On the whole gun name thing that dominated this thread for like a week, well played, Somber, well played.
EDIT: Finished the chapter.
EDIT: Finished the chapter.
- NO FUCK, NOOOOOO! NOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOO!:
My running thoughts can be accurately described as: "FUCK NOOOOO AASHG THIS IS NOT OKAY THIS IS NOT OKAY AT ALL WHHHHHHYYYYYY SOMBER WHYYYYYYY"
The little touch of Glory's wing hanging as if it were about to fall off just fucking broke me. That connection to the tunnels and Blackjack's desperate quest to help her just makes it so much worse. Glory was the one that Blackjack couldn't save, despite all the love in the world.
It was beautifully done. Shit, I need to be alone right now.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vexd Sun Nov 02, 2014 10:51 pm
Well, just read 71
Just gonna leave this here
*Edit: I knew bad things were coming, but I didn't expect this
Just gonna leave this here
- followed by-:
- and go cry my eyes out
*Edit: I knew bad things were coming, but I didn't expect this
Last edited by Vexd on Sun Nov 02, 2014 11:06 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Derpmind Sun Nov 02, 2014 11:06 pm
Scienza wrote:
- NO FUCK, NOOOOOO! NOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOO!:
- Spoiler:
- To be honest, would Glory saving herself (as opposed to someone else saving her) be of much significance to the story? I don't want her to be dead, but as a fan of the story I can't honestly say what would be best. When it comes down to it, Blackjack's experiences might really be the most important part of the story no matter what.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scienza Sun Nov 02, 2014 11:15 pm
Derpmind wrote:Scienza wrote:
- NO FUCK, NOOOOOO! NOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOO!:
- Spoiler:
- Spoiler:
- Aye, it's not necessarily that Blackjack needs to save her, but it's just that connection that kicks me right in the feels. That moment when Blackjack hobbles her way across the entire wasteland to find Dusk is the part where I can say that I fully got just how much Blackjack cared about Glory. The fact that it's brought back right now, especially since Glory just finally started to mend emotionally and physically, is so heart-wrenching I just can't deal with it.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vexd Sun Nov 02, 2014 11:30 pm
Wait, random errant thought (I don't quite understand the workings so bear with me here)
If you die too close to the Tokomare, it's sucks your soul-thing towards it and gets stuck, right?
How close was
If you die too close to the Tokomare, it's sucks your soul-thing towards it and gets stuck, right?
How close was
- someone:
- Glory
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by JadedPony Mon Nov 03, 2014 2:07 am
Ok, read the chapter. I spent all day mentally preparing for it so it wouldn't wreck me like a certain clinic scene did when it took me by surprise. I enjoyed the chapter!
My only regret is that
It might be more of a villain solution to the problem than a hero solution to the problem... but it would be a solution.
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 11 078b6dcd889a1f71839dcc5dcf25d7](https://2img.net/h/cdn.vanillaforums.com/baldursgate.vanillaforums.com/FileUpload/12/078b6dcd889a1f71839dcc5dcf25d7.jpg)
#TOMORROW!
My only regret is that
- ...:
- Blackjack didn't kill that fucking zebra! He has a rune stone for a heart! How hard is it to figure out you need to separate the rune stone from his flesh? She should have ripped out his heart and taken it with her! His body would heal, sure, but it would spend eternity trying to escape earth's orbit and get to the heart. Since he can't exactly fly, I'm guessing his flesh trying to grow it's way to the moon would be problematic for him.
It might be more of a villain solution to the problem than a hero solution to the problem... but it would be a solution.
#TOMORROW!
JadedPony- Earth Pony
- Posts : 171
Brohoof! : -8
Join date : 2014-04-01
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Silver136 Mon Nov 03, 2014 7:50 am
- Spoiler:
- Now that I think about it, Glory probably planned something like this from the beginning. She kept telling Blackjack that she was better off with P-21, and saying that she was just a distraction. Martyr anyone?
Silver136- Ursa Minor
- Posts : 435
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Join date : 2013-11-19
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