Sister forum[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by WavemasterRyx Mon Apr 28, 2014 6:14 am
*hugs Somber very gently* I'm very sorry things are still going so badly for you... I wish there were more I could do to help... Please just try to take care of yourself, sir... Also, girlfriends are overrated, you're better off with a Lyra plushie...
It was a good chapter, and even though it was quite sad, I actually managed not to cry until your note at the end...
As always, I shall try my best to write up a complete commentary as soon as I can... Thank you for all your hard work, Somber, and thank you to Hinds, Bronode, swicked, and Heartshine as well.
*hugs Somber one more time*
It was a good chapter, and even though it was quite sad, I actually managed not to cry until your note at the end...
- Initial Thoughts:
- I did end up feeling sorry for Charm, at least she managed to try to do the right thing, and she succeeded. It was really nice for all the ponies to come together to try and save Blackjack.
I'm very satisfied with Steel Rain's death.
From the Takei "Oh my!" comment, I had thought of several possibilities, some of which were extremely worrying. They were entirely wrong though, because I did not expect Whisper and Stygius at all. It's nice that they were having fun.
Seeing Glory with the fake was really, really sad though...
As always, I shall try my best to write up a complete commentary as soon as I can... Thank you for all your hard work, Somber, and thank you to Hinds, Bronode, swicked, and Heartshine as well.
*hugs Somber one more time*
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Train Dodger Mon Apr 28, 2014 6:36 am
Let's see:
- Chapter 66 Comments:
- Wow, Charm's internal monologue is pretty... bitter. Of course, anyone in her position would be.
You can't imagine how elated I was to see that the first thing Blackjack did when she was fighting in an organic body again was resort to unicorn hax and her knowledge of firearms to disable Steel Rain's cannons.
I'm glad to see that slippery little fuck finally get what he deserves. Pretty cold how she let the Enervation dissolve him into goo like that. Though, seeing as he was the reason why she ended up raped and tortured on the Seahorse in the first place, and seeing as he was the kind of shitbag who'd take a child hostage in a gunfight, I can't say it wasn't justified. Sayonara, Steel Douche.
And now she's in Goldenblood's office. No, wait, she's in a Batpony Bordello. And now, the king of all batponies wants her to fuck, for the good of his people. Well, at least she got a chance to chat with Luna's disembodied soul, some swanky armor and a spear to poke Goldenblood with.
- Chapter 66 Proofing:
- Not more than his precious little Society, or his legacy, or his collection of baubles and trinkets, but she was somewhere on the list on things he loved. Towards the bottom.
Grammar: on > of“He’s not himself. It has been over one hundred and five million minutes since told me how amazing he is.”
Grammar: since told > since he told“Thanks,” the Princess replied, then started to pick her way up the side of the spire, the lambent pony skull weighing heavily around her neck heavily around her neck and the dark Magician’s radiant bones dangling and rattling against the metal as if still connected by invisible sinews.
Grammar: part of this sentence is duplicated.Fortunately, the lever resisted for only a few seconds seconds before it flipped over.
Grammar: ditto on this one.The Princess fell the last ten feet, landing hard and almost falling over, but she didn’t bother to fully regain her footing before scrambling scrambled over to the waterlogged mare.
Grammar: this should be either "scrambling" or "she scrambled".“Stop!” the broken Lady hissed as the Knight shoved the bloody the Skinned Pony aside.
Grammar: the bloody the > the bloodyI might not be able to hurt him, but I could at least take away his favorite toys.
Prose: consider changing this to past-tense "might not have been".“Nightmare Castle,” Tenebra said sourly, “And you aren’t supposed to be here,”
Grammar: double-space after the comma following "sourly". Either replace the comma with a period, or remove the double-space and uncapitalize the "And" in the second dialogue.“Don’t get me wrong. It was a pretty sweet seven point five on the kinkometer. Reminded me a lot of the afterparty of my cutecinera.”
Typo: It's spelled "cute-ceañera" (yes, with an n with a diacritic tilde like jalapeño). Incidentally, there are a couple spots towards the end of Chapter 12 where Blackjack's going over the old recordings where it's spelled "cutecenera". Might want to fix those to match.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Silver136 Mon Apr 28, 2014 9:01 am
So I was rereading FoE and I came across something rather odd. After Littlepip asks about the alien pistol that Homage owns, Homage tells her about zebras view of the sky and what they believe. As she explains, she talks about four specific stars that have malicious intent and I couldn't help but wonder, is the Eater supposed to be one of those stars?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Dutcher Mon Apr 28, 2014 9:35 am
I just want to thank you guys for releasing the chapter so quickly.
- Also:
Steel rain at last.![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 15 351635](https://p.gr-assets.com/540x540/fit/hostedimages/1380222758/351635.gif)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Evilgidgit Mon Apr 28, 2014 10:29 am
Another fantastic chapter, Somber. Well done.
- Spoiler:
- I am very glad that Dawn, Trueblood, Mr. Horse, Charm, and Snips got redemption, even though only one made it out of the Core alive. T_T
Haha! Take that Steel Rain! Burn in hell you muppet!
Yay! Stygius and Whisper!
Poor Luna and Goldenblood. But at least now Redoubt comes into play. But Horse said it was in a valley? I always assumed Redoubt was in Black Mountain.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Mon Apr 28, 2014 11:02 am
- the last part:
- Seems BJ forgot to mention that she's infertile to Hades.
Don't know the quote exactly but Cognitum specifically states that blanks don't produce the hormones necessary to support a fetus in it's early stages.
At best one of their breeders who is related closely to her and knows the spell could shave off a couple months and be used again.
Hades could just kill her outright knowing this information, but I think the breeders would suddenly be very resistant knowing death is what awaits them when they outlive their usefulness.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Mon Apr 28, 2014 12:40 pm
- Spoiler:
- I guess you could say that happened? It seems strange for her to bring it up to the two of them unprovoked.
And the reasoning seems kinda weak. If it's to avoid confrontation the only way to stop it is for Hades to allow her to leave (Or [REDACTED] could sneak her out I suppose, but given that he seems to be in the dog house with his dad at the moment. Might be more fruitful to negotiate with Hades.) which he seems very adamant on not letting her do.
Except when he mentioned giving birth to a few foals, that seems like the perfect oppurtunity for her to say that her setup doesn't work properly anymore. And it's clear that Psychoshy and [REDACTED] didn't talk to her before hand. At least not about that specifically.
Why would they? It doesn't make much sense.
@Combat experience Well, stable 99 was sealed off to the rest of the world and at some point or another at least a few of it's inhabitants had fighting experience. Because they fought eachother.
Not saying that something like this happened recently to the batponies. But there's always a chance.
Spoiled because it's only been a few hours. Probably shouldn't be visiting the discussion thread, before reading. But courtesy and all that.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Apr 28, 2014 1:54 pm
Aye, I think Whisper is probably the only person in this chapter who's having more or less nothing but a good time.WavemasterRyx wrote:*hugs Somber very gently* I'm very sorry things are still going so badly for you... I wish there were more I could do to help... Please just try to take care of yourself, sir... Also, girlfriends are overrated, you're better off with a Lyra plushie...
It was a good chapter, and even though it was quite sad, I actually managed not to cry until your note at the end...
- Initial Thoughts:
I'm very satisfied with Steel Rain's death.
From the Takei "Oh my!" comment, I had thought of several possibilities, some of which were extremely worrying. They were entirely wrong though, because I did not expect Whisper and Stygius at all. It's nice that they were having fun.
Seeing Glory with the fake was really, really sad though...
As always, I shall try my best to write up a complete commentary as soon as I can... Thank you for all your hard work, Somber, and thank you to Hinds, Bronode, swicked, and Heartshine as well.
*hugs Somber one more time*
Ah, thank you.Train Dodger wrote:Let's see:
- Chapter 66 Comments:
You can't imagine how elated I was to see that the first thing Blackjack did when she was fighting in an organic body again was resort to unicorn hax and her knowledge of firearms to disable Steel Rain's cannons.
I'm glad to see that slippery little fuck finally get what he deserves. Pretty cold how she let the Enervation dissolve him into goo like that. Though, seeing as he was the reason why she ended up raped and tortured on the Seahorse in the first place, and seeing as he was the kind of shitbag who'd take a child hostage in a gunfight, I can't say it wasn't justified. Sayonara, Steel Douche.
And now she's in Goldenblood's office. No, wait, she's in a Batpony Bordello. And now, the king of all batponies wants her to fuck, for the good of his people. Well, at least she got a chance to chat with Luna's disembodied soul, some swanky armor and a spear to poke Goldenblood with.
- Chapter 66 Proofing:
Grammar: on > of“He’s not himself. It has been over one hundred and five million minutes since told me how amazing he is.”
Grammar: since told > since he told“Thanks,” the Princess replied, then started to pick her way up the side of the spire, the lambent pony skull weighing heavily around her neck heavily around her neck and the dark Magician’s radiant bones dangling and rattling against the metal as if still connected by invisible sinews.
Grammar: part of this sentence is duplicated.Fortunately, the lever resisted for only a few seconds seconds before it flipped over.
Grammar: ditto on this one.The Princess fell the last ten feet, landing hard and almost falling over, but she didn’t bother to fully regain her footing before scrambling scrambled over to the waterlogged mare.
Grammar: this should be either "scrambling" or "she scrambled".“Stop!” the broken Lady hissed as the Knight shoved the bloody the Skinned Pony aside.
Grammar: the bloody the > the bloodyI might not be able to hurt him, but I could at least take away his favorite toys.
Prose: consider changing this to past-tense "might not have been".“Nightmare Castle,” Tenebra said sourly, “And you aren’t supposed to be here,”
Grammar: double-space after the comma following "sourly". Either replace the comma with a period, or remove the double-space and uncapitalize the "And" in the second dialogue.“Don’t get me wrong. It was a pretty sweet seven point five on the kinkometer. Reminded me a lot of the afterparty of my cutecinera.”
Typo: It's spelled "cute-ceañera" (yes, with an n with a diacritic tilde like jalapeño). Incidentally, there are a couple spots towards the end of Chapter 12 where Blackjack's going over the old recordings where it's spelled "cutecenera". Might want to fix those to match.
It's amazing how the brain just skips over these things...Train Dodger wrote:Grammar: part of this sentence is duplicated.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Dekshuduph Mon Apr 28, 2014 7:04 pm
Hooray for Steel Rain finally being dead, I hope he never gets brought up again because we've already had too many discussions about how terrible he is. Otherwise, there's not much in this chapter I wanted to point out that hasn't already been brought up. The one thing that comes to mind is that the reason Goldenblood's terminal does that thing then opens the portal is explained by the end of the chapter.
I think I had around eight corrections this time around, but all but one have already been mentioned... I'm kinda relieved. The one correction is a misspelling:
Edit: I just searched it again to make sure, and there's actually two! Hehe, how wonderful.
I think I had around eight corrections this time around, but all but one have already been mentioned... I'm kinda relieved. The one correction is a misspelling:
You don't have to serve Cogntium or the Legate,
Edit: I just searched it again to make sure, and there's actually two! Hehe, how wonderful.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vergil Mon Apr 28, 2014 8:05 pm
I'm not sure if this has been brought up or not, but BJ is still missing her mark, isn't she? I'd think she'd have mentioned that- unless it's significant that she didn't.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Apr 28, 2014 8:48 pm
Ah, thank you.Dekshuduph wrote:Hooray for Steel Rain finally being dead, I hope he never gets brought up again because we've already had too many discussions about how terrible he is. Otherwise, there's not much in this chapter I wanted to point out that hasn't already been brought up. The one thing that comes to mind is that the reason Goldenblood's terminal does that thing then opens the portal is explained by the end of the chapter.
I think I had around eight corrections this time around, but all but one have already been mentioned... I'm kinda relieved. The one correction is a misspelling:You don't have to serve Cogntium or the Legate,
Edit: I just searched it again to make sure, and there's actually two! Hehe, how wonderful.
…Though it appears that swicked took care of this while I was trying to contact one of my professors.
Yes, she is. I don't think that it's significant that she didn't mention it, though.Vergil wrote:I'm not sure if this has been brought up or not, but BJ is still missing her mark, isn't she? I'd think she'd have mentioned that- unless it's significant that she didn't.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scienza Mon Apr 28, 2014 9:12 pm
I'm not quite sure why people have such visceral hatred of Steel Rain. I thought he was interesting, if a bit lackluster compared to some of the other villains. Personally, I disliked Psycho more, but maybe that's just me.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Silver136 Mon Apr 28, 2014 9:19 pm
Honestly, my most hated villain has been Dawn. Surprising I know, but she's just extremely arrogant, believing that she is the sole savior of the wastes and speaking out against certain actions then doing them a short time later. Arrogance really bugs me...Scienza wrote:I'm not quite sure why people have such visceral hatred of Steel Rain. I thought he was interesting, if a bit lackluster compared to some of the other villains. Personally, I disliked Psycho more, but maybe that's just me.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Mon Apr 28, 2014 9:25 pm
swicked wrote:...Whisper would have immediately explained the point of the orgy, though. It's the entire reason non-batponies are there.
- Spoiler:
- Then why'd she feel the need to explain they're not slaves in the throneroom? As we witnessed BJ made the immediate connection to 99's medical. Why would she suddenly not when it's just her and Psychoshy? Is it not like 99 when it's just Psychoshy?
I really don't think it's something that could be done offscreen. It raises questions for BJ that the audience needs to be there to hear the answers for.
Also I think the point you're trying to make partially leans on both Psychoshy and [REDACTED] assuming BJ's sterile.
Spoilered again. I'll stop tomorrow if the discussion is ongoing.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by RoboRed Mon Apr 28, 2014 10:19 pm
- Spoiler:
Thought pretty much the same thing when he said that. Anyways, thank god he's finally dead.Vergil wrote:Welp, Steel Rain is Caboose.
Yeah, I will admit, this chapter was slightly depressing. Partly because of the loss of a few good characters (I express doubt that Charm will be restored to anything more than a vegetative state). But I still can't believe that Luna was involved that deeply in the closed-door goings-on with Goldenblood and the OIA...if we're to take her word as fact. On a slightly related note, I fear it's too late to warn Glory and co. that "Blackjack" is an imposter...
Figured Whisper and Stygius would show up again soon, but holy coital orgy-bangings, Batman...
Well...according to Luna, Goldenblood is at the castle. Let's get some answers.
@Last: I'm surprised you haven't had head-explodey yet.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Mon Apr 28, 2014 10:25 pm
- Chapter Sixty Six Overall Thoughts:
- So right off the bat there's the change in perspective and narrative voice, which is something that's come up quite a bit lately, between the Perceptitron chapter, the golden vision from when Blackjack was under the influence of the Core, and this. Though at times a little harder to follow because it's something I'm not used to yet is picking up in the middle of everything else, it's something I've enjoyed about this most recent arc. In this case, the cadence and word choice had a real fairy tale feel, which was nice in and of itself but also made a better foundation for Charm's characterization by narration and gave a touch of unreality both to what was going on around her and her own thoughts about herself and the past. Seemed to slide into a more Blackjacky tone at times when there was heavy dialog or more action happening, which could be taken a couple different ways. Maybe a little bit of Blackjack personality bleeding through, or a heightened interest in things that Blackjack cared about or understood well.
Regarding the main plot, especially at the front end, I think that we need to give a big hand to myopia and confirmation bias, without which this chapter couldn't have happened. Steel Rain very rapidly comes off as dumb in a variety of ways, some of which can't merely be chalked up to a lack of genre savviness. In particular, I'd think that he'd take the guy who's been talking about how Discord was working for ages to stymie him a little more seriously. So he's the myopia, which just snowballs until he gets himself dead. Perhaps more surprising was Amadi. In particular, his interpretation of the stars' message was plausible, and I'd normally think little of it. But he's got a thing about prophesy and should have known to be more skeptical, more thorough. And yet I can see why it happens, with him interpreting the message to mean what he wanted to hear after waiting so long. As a side note, someone asked if the Eater may have been one of the four stars out of zebra mythology. I can't say for sure, but I will note that on the one hand Amadi called on three, while on the other there were four that seemed to aid in Nightmare Moon's escape and four in the illustration in the reference book on Nightmare Moon detailing that prophesy. Naturally, the Eater was not one of those visibly involved in the escape.
Going back to what Amadi misunderstood, and contrasting with Whisper's later boast, Discord was the one who may have out-Blackjacked Blackjack, last chapter. Luna's soul I was prepared for, but I had not anticipated the degree to which he enabled Snips and Dawn to have a chance to do better, as they were less away than I had originally thought. But of course that can't be the whole story, since Charm got to pull an even more spectacular switch as the Blackjack experience did what her personal suffering couldn't. Whisper herself seems to be giving it a good go, but is still the fun, abrasive character who's just a ball to watch.
I'm not as sure how I feel about the batponies so far, at least the new ones. Persephone made a good first impression, but I'm not sure I needed another petty, shortsighted blowhard in Hades. Sure, I guess it was necessary in order to get them to the point they were at, but depending on how things go I may end up wondering if a less extreme isolationism could have got to a similar enough point for the story to go as it did, perhaps with something along the Stygius/Whisper model being normal for some time.
Luna's part was interesting and unexpected. I hadn't anticipated just how involved she'd be in everything behind the scenes, much less the blackmail of Goldenblood. It does explain a fair amount about how he was acting by the end, though, and why he'd keep Gardens and Horizons from her. On which note, it's interesting that those were either the most moral of the projects (except perhaps for Fluttershy's original plan for the megaspells) or the most and the worst, depending on exactly what the plan for Horizons was. But now I'm intrigued as to exactly why Goldenblood put so much effort into a vision of Equestria he didn't really believe in, and I hope that will be forthcoming when Blackjack gets around to beating information out of him; at this point, I think that some depth to his history with Luna before the war is pretty important. Moving on with Luna, though, there seems like there may be a degree of internal conflict there. I find it odd that despite saying some pretty negative things about herself and seeming to present everything in a fairly negative light, acknowledging the failure of her grand plan during the war, she's now acting like she's potentiall on board with Cognitum, doubling down on the same crap that worked so well the first time around, though admittedly just by implication. There's something of a contrast between the start and end of Blackjack's time with her, too. She begins with "That's not in my power," not "I won't return you to your body," but by the end seems to be trying to obfuscate Goldenblood's false execution. Granted, they might not work against her interests in the same way, but it's there. And she doesn't seem too much like she did in Blackjack's dream, but then the situation was very different at the time. Oh, and I now have to think that maybe Luna can see the future and "I'll look after your babies till you return" had a double meaning I didn't catch on the first read.
Some littler things: for about the first time, Horse wasn't terrible, and even his self-importance was endearing rather than inspiring contempt in me. Sweetie Bot was simply adorable and quite funny, made all the better by the fact that she was seen through the eyes of someone else who likewise had a more limited perspective, but in a different way. The office was a little weird to me because I always thought there was more of a gap between Goldenblood's removal as head of the O.I.A. and his arrest, but I suppose that was just a mistaken impression on my part and more recently poor memory. I will say, though that Blackjack probably shouldn't have been surprised by the number of photographs there, since it's not too different from the collection at Goldenblood's house near the mountain.
Oh, and I can't forget Steel Rain's death. I was genuinely worried we might be looking at an Autumn Leaf incident. Frankly, that's not too far from what happened, as Blackjack seemed basically to hope that she could finish him off after he was no longer able to fight back, able to do nothing but try to block her attacks, but before he could get a surrender out. Even after he surrendered, she knocked him over the edge but he caught the rails; it seemed she really meant to kill him, and only luck and the executioner line kept her from following through or leaving him to die. It kind of hurts, but that was all that kept this from ending as a murder. Is it so wrong to wish for the protagonist of a super dark, ultraviolent story to be a perfect, pure beacon of light and goodness, especially when that's what she wants so badly, too? It is? Fuck.
So yeah, between an interesting narrative shift, some good character work, and some intensity that had me pretty worried, I liked this chapter pretty well. And unless I'm mistaken, it's been a while since one ended without a big cliffhanger, but I'm still drawn to what happens next.
- Editing:
Right, but it was quoted from a verbal medium, the episode. Eh, philosophical difference, I guess.O. Hinds wrote:
That's in the quote, though.Icy Shake wrote:should have second space after ellipsis
62:
‘Princess Celestia sightings at SPP hub dismissed as hoax,’
"S.P.P."
63:
The explosion may have caused some permanent damage to the SPP towers in Hoofington.
the crew weren’t going to crash the ship into the SPP hub to check its invulnerability
If I’d gone straight to the SPP instead of helping Pinkie Pie…
"S.P.P."
64:
Good work on keeping Horse’s hooves off the SPP. I was about to rainboom him if he nagged me one more time on a ‘remote override’ for the system. Dash.
"S.P.P.", though this one's in context, so it could work as-is.
65:
The weather will be controlled by me through my SPP, and Equestria shall be reborn, stronger for its sufferings and more determined than ever before!”
I could really see LittlePip giving control of the SPP to this nut.
The blast continued, obliterating Tenpony Tower, the SPP hub, and everything else remotely familiar.
Perhaps use a smaller version of Tom against the SPP.
"S.P.P."
Last edited by Icy Shake on Mon Apr 28, 2014 10:39 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Mon Apr 28, 2014 10:27 pm
RoboRed wrote:@Last: I'm surprised you haven't had head-explodey yet.
Robo...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Mon Apr 28, 2014 10:42 pm
Kinda surprised you didn't make a joke about how [REDACTED] lacking the speach enchantments was because he has an incredibly unattractive voice or something.
Like Jake and the translator from adventure time.
He did lack them right? I remember him using his chalkboard.
Like Jake and the translator from adventure time.
He did lack them right? I remember him using his chalkboard.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Mon Apr 28, 2014 10:57 pm
swicked wrote:
His name is [REDACTED] now? Since when?
Additionally, looks like you're right, he WAS using his chalkboard.
I've no idea why.
The reason he had to previously was because his knight guard helmet, that makes his voice audible, was broken and stuck in royal canterlot voice mode.
You'd think the prince would be able to either get that fixed or get a new one when he got home.
Crap, don't remember that. I thought that was Lion? From FOE?
Anyway he's been [REDACTED] to me for a long time, since he was introduced really. I feel like I have to apologize to Somber here. I'm sure he'll do his best to flesh him out in the next chapter, but I've already written him off.
I call him [REDACTED] because in the end that's still what I hope he is. In context I thought it was pretty easy to tell who I was referring to. I'm sorry if it wasn't.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Rayndalf Mon Apr 28, 2014 11:23 pm
12.7 mm, not 12 mm... I totally bought the "truncation" excuse last time, but now I'm not so sureChapter 65 wrote:"I found .22, .357, 5.56, .308, and anti-machine rounds, but not any 12mm, grenades, or flamer fuel tanks"
I read chapter 65 two days ago... I go to find a quote and sure enough another chapter is out...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Apr 28, 2014 11:34 pm
I already fixed the SPP issue and mentioned it in my reply to your previous comment. :)Icy Shake wrote:
- Chapter Sixty Six Overall Thoughts:
Regarding the main plot, especially at the front end, I think that we need to give a big hand to myopia and confirmation bias, without which this chapter couldn't have happened. Steel Rain very rapidly comes off as dumb in a variety of ways, some of which can't merely be chalked up to a lack of genre savviness. In particular, I'd think that he'd take the guy who's been talking about how Discord was working for ages to stymie him a little more seriously. So he's the myopia, which just snowballs until he gets himself dead. Perhaps more surprising was Amadi. In particular, his interpretation of the stars' message was plausible, and I'd normally think little of it. But he's got a thing about prophesy and should have known to be more skeptical, more thorough. And yet I can see why it happens, with him interpreting the message to mean what he wanted to hear after waiting so long. As a side note, someone asked if the Eater may have been one of the four stars out of zebra mythology. I can't say for sure, but I will note that on the one hand Amadi called on three, while on the other there were four that seemed to aid in Nightmare Moon's escape and four in the illustration in the reference book on Nightmare Moon detailing that prophesy. Naturally, the Eater was not one of those visibly involved in the escape.
Going back to what Amadi misunderstood, and contrasting with Whisper's later boast, Discord was the one who may have out-Blackjacked Blackjack, last chapter. Luna's soul I was prepared for, but I had not anticipated the degree to which he enabled Snips and Dawn to have a chance to do better, as they were less away than I had originally thought. But of course that can't be the whole story, since Charm got to pull an even more spectacular switch as the Blackjack experience did what her personal suffering couldn't. Whisper herself seems to be giving it a good go, but is still the fun, abrasive character who's just a ball to watch.
I'm not as sure how I feel about the batponies so far, at least the new ones. Persephone made a good first impression, but I'm not sure I needed another petty, shortsighted blowhard in Hades. Sure, I guess it was necessary in order to get them to the point they were at, but depending on how things go I may end up wondering if a less extreme isolationism could have got to a similar enough point for the story to go as it did, perhaps with something along the Stygius/Whisper model being normal for some time.
Luna's part was interesting and unexpected. I hadn't anticipated just how involved she'd be in everything behind the scenes, much less the blackmail of Goldenblood. It does explain a fair amount about how he was acting by the end, though, and why he'd keep Gardens and Horizons from her. On which note, it's interesting that those were either the most moral of the projects (except perhaps for Fluttershy's original plan for the megaspells) or the most and the worst, depending on exactly what the plan for Horizons was. But now I'm intrigued as to exactly why Goldenblood put so much effort into a vision of Equestria he didn't really believe in, and I hope that will be forthcoming when Blackjack gets around to beating information out of him; at this point, I think that some depth to his history with Luna before the war is pretty important. Moving on with Luna, though, there seems like there may be a degree of internal conflict there. I find it odd that despite saying some pretty negative things about herself and seeming to present everything in a fairly negative light, acknowledging the failure of her grand plan during the war, she's now acting like she's potentiall on board with Cognitum, doubling down on the same crap that worked so well the first time around, though admittedly just by implication. There's something of a contrast between the start and end of Blackjack's time with her, too. She begins with "That's not in my power," not "I won't return you to your body," but by the end seems to be trying to obfuscate Goldenblood's false execution. Granted, they might not work against her interests in the same way, but it's there. And she doesn't seem too much like she did in Blackjack's dream, but then the situation was very different at the time. Oh, and I now have to think that maybe Luna can see the future and "I'll look after your babies till you return" had a double meaning I didn't catch on the first read.
Some littler things: for about the first time, Horse wasn't terrible, and even his self-importance was endearing rather than inspiring contempt in me. Sweetie Bot was simply adorable and quite funny, made all the better by the fact that she was seen through the eyes of someone else who likewise had a more limited perspective, but in a different way. The office was a little weird to me because I always thought there was more of a gap between Goldenblood's removal as head of the O.I.A. and his arrest, but I suppose that was just a mistaken impression on my part and more recently poor memory. I will say, though that Blackjack probably shouldn't have been surprised by the number of photographs there, since it's not too different from the collection at Goldenblood's house near the mountain.
Oh, and I can't forget Steel Rain's death. I was genuinely worried we might be looking at an Autumn Leaf incident. Frankly, that's not too far from what happened, as Blackjack seemed basically to hope that she could finish him off after he was no longer able to fight back, able to do nothing but try to block her attacks, but before he could get a surrender out. Even after he surrendered, she knocked him over the edge but he caught the rails; it seemed she really meant to kill him, and only luck and the executioner line kept her from following through or leaving him to die. It kind of hurts, but that was all that kept this from ending as a murder. Is it so wrong to wish for the protagonist of a super dark, ultraviolent story to be a perfect, pure beacon of light and goodness, especially when that's what she wants so badly, too? It is? Fuck.
So yeah, between an interesting narrative shift, some good character work, and some intensity that had me pretty worried, I liked this chapter pretty well. And unless I'm mistaken, it's been a while since one ended without a big cliffhanger, but I'm still drawn to what happens next.And on to comments!
- Editing:
62:
‘Princess Celestia sightings at SPP hub dismissed as hoax,’
"S.P.P."
63:
The explosion may have caused some permanent damage to the SPP towers in Hoofington.
the crew weren’t going to crash the ship into the SPP hub to check its invulnerability
If I’d gone straight to the SPP instead of helping Pinkie Pie…
"S.P.P."
64:
Good work on keeping Horse’s hooves off the SPP. I was about to rainboom him if he nagged me one more time on a ‘remote override’ for the system. Dash.
"S.P.P.", though this one's in context, so it could work as-is.
65:
The weather will be controlled by me through my SPP, and Equestria shall be reborn, stronger for its sufferings and more determined than ever before!”
I could really see LittlePip giving control of the SPP to this nut.
The blast continued, obliterating Tenpony Tower, the SPP hub, and everything else remotely familiar.
Perhaps use a smaller version of Tom against the SPP.
"S.P.P."
:Dswicked wrote:By the way, Psychoshy's return... I'm just so happy to have her back I can't help but write about it.
I mean, the following isn't really laugh-worthy, but the thoughts behind it still put a smile on my face, so I figure it might be a little amusing to others.
- behinds the scenes with best PH pony:
Blackjack: "Gezz, that guy is an ass."
Psychoshy: "Haha, yeah, I kinda ruined him on outsiders."
Blackjack: "Oh really?"
Psychoshy: *laughs* "Yeah, you should have seen him when I first got here."
Hades: "Welcome home, Styg-"
Psychoshy: "Hi!"
Hades: "...excuse me, who-"
Psychoshy: "Whisper!"
Hades: "A bit ironi-"
Psychoshy: "Yes, it is!"
Hades: "So, will you-"
Psychoshy: "Okay, so, Stygy... your dad is hot. I mean, would you look at his sword! How long 'till funtime?"
Stygius: *blushes and pales at the same time... somehow*
Persephone: *whispering to Hades* "Oh, I like her."
Hades: "So, to justify your stay here, you're proposing a sort of breeding program?"
Psychoshy: "I prefer to call it 'Whisper's Fuck-All Ordinance', but yes."
Hades: "...so as to reduce the requirement for familial breeding."
Psychoshy: *frown* "Well, I hope not."
Hades: "...right. I have to say, I'm reluctant to bring more outsiders into my kingdom."
Psychoshy: "Oh, give me a break, you HAVE to be tired of gray flank all the time by now. I mean, look at this." *turns around* "Have you ever seen anything this glorious? Look at how the well-toned thighs melt into the hips and butt. Look at the subtle ripple as I shift from one leg to the other... how firm and taught and toned those muscles are, yet how soft they are at a squeeze. Watch as I curve my back, lifting my tail high. How can you resist this majesty? How could you ever claim to have seen better?"
Hades: *wings at half-mast* "Um... wow. That's... compelling."
Psychoshy: "Hell yeah it is! C'mon, Stygius. There some guards I saw on the way over in need of 'reassignment.'"
Hades: "But... what? I..." *looks at his wings, then at the throne room doors closing behind Psychoshy* "UGH!!" *facehoof*
Persephone: "Don't worry, dear, I hear that happens to a lot of stallions your age..."
Hades: "Whisper."
Psychoshy: "Hades."
Hades: *growls* "'Your majesty.'"
Psychoshy: "Yes, what is it, my dear subject?"
Hades: *utterly incoherent*
Persephone: "Dear, remember your blood pressure."
Hades: *rage subsiding, through gritted teeth* "...I've heard reports of you sparing with my guards."
Psychoshy: "That's putting it kindly, I've put two dozen in infirmaries and none of them have even come close to laying a hoof on me. The guys have no awareness of their surroundings; I've fought foals tougher than this lot."
Hades: "...my reports said it was only sixteen."
Psychoshy: "Oh? What's the date on those?"
Hades: "Last night."
Psychoshy: "There's your problem; it was a slow morning and I was in the mood for a stomp."
Hades: "Are you going to even ATTEMPT to explain yourself?"
Stygius: "Father, it was... uh... a test of our soldiers' combat readiness. Over all these years their training has become lax due to lack of competition. My mate was just trying to prove a point."
Psychoshy: "Yeah, for a race of studs, you're certainly a bunch of creampuffs." *pats Styg on the head with a wink* "Some with more cream that others."
Hades: *growling* "Despite, I would have her powerhooves confiscated. If she insists on further sparring, I'd rather she try to prove her point with bare hooves to their spears."
Stygius: "Certainly, take them, by all means."
Psychoshy: *with an annoyed grin as guards take the powerhooves from her*"Stygy, you KNOW you're going to be paying for this later..."
Stygius: "I always do... now, let's leave before he gets any more... perturbed."
Psychoshy: "Yeah, kay, see you, my loyal subject!" *waves a sparking, armored hoof and trots out the door*
Hades: "Finally, that's over with."
Persephone: "...um, dear, you DO realize she still had-"
Hades: "You asked me to watch my blood pressure, remember? So just let me have a moment of feigned ignorance of the fact that the heavy-hooved loudmouth braggart was able to pickpocket my guards literally the second their back was turned..."
Blackjack: "Okay, so why the hell did you come with me to that meeting? Your presence probably made everything worse!"
Psychoshy: "Because Styg made me a deal that, for every minute I didn't say anything in front of his dad, he'd spend five pleasuring me in ANY way I wanted..."
Blackjack: "...aren't you already having orgies every day?"
Stygius: "Oh, no, it's nothing anywhere near that fun. Trust me."
P.S.
Psychoshy: "Oh yeah, that's the stuff, rub those hooves. My gosh, does that feel good..."
Stygius: "When's the last time you-" *cough* "-took off those power hooves, anyway? My gosh, my eyes are burning!"
Psychoshy: "For the hoof massage you gave me last week, of course. I was saving them for you. <3"
We did explicitly mention this in the chapter, you know. Or are you just assuming that Blackjack's humorous guess was wrong and speculating about the real reason?swicked wrote:Additionally, looks like you're right, he WAS using his chalkboard.
I've no idea why.
The reason he had to previously was because his knight guard helmet, that makes his voice audible, was broken and stuck in royal canterlot voice mode.
You'd think the prince would be able to either get that fixed or get a new one when he got home.
Eh, I'll go ahead and fix it.Rayndalf wrote:12.7 mm, not 12 mm... I totally bought the "truncation" excuse last time, but now I'm not so sureChapter 65 wrote:"I found .22, .357, 5.56, .308, and anti-machine rounds, but not any 12mm, grenades, or flamer fuel tanks"
I read chapter 65 two days ago... I go to find a quote and sure enough another chapter is out...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Mon Apr 28, 2014 11:56 pm
Sorry, Hinds. Didn't know that you meant you hit the whole backlog.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by neoaustin Mon Apr 28, 2014 11:57 pm
i still don't believe discord is dead.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Tue Apr 29, 2014 12:00 am
Why are you apologizing to me? I'm sorry that my insufficient clarity wasted some of your time.Icy Shake wrote:Sorry, Hinds. Didn't know that you meant you hit the whole backlog.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Tanki Tue Apr 29, 2014 12:05 am
- Ch66 Insight:
One note: The writing style seemed off in this chapter, particularly in stringing sentences. No offense to the editors and Somber you guys are awesome, keep up the great work. But there were a lot of consecutive and abruptly ending sentences through out the chapter that broke up the flow.. at least for me. It seemed to lack some of that smooth flowing finesse that I've gotten used to, which kept kicking me out of immersion.
In short you guys are phenomenal and shouldn't listen to me. I just like to give you guys any little bit of critique that might help in the long run.
Btw loving the story, it's heating up fast.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Dekshuduph Tue Apr 29, 2014 1:41 am
Welcome to the forum, and enjoy your stay if you decide to frequent. On your criticism, it isn't going to help if you don't provide some examples. For all we know, it could just be the way you read this particular chapter, or it may be strictly the first part which was narrated by a different character.Tanki wrote:
- Ch66 Insight:
One note: The writing style seemed off in this chapter, particularly in stringing sentences. No offense to the editors and Somber you guys are awesome, keep up the great work. But there were a lot of consecutive and abruptly ending sentences through out the chapter that broke up the flow.. at least for me. It seemed to lack some of that smooth flowing finesse that I've gotten used to, which kept kicking me out of immersion.
In short you guys are phenomenal and shouldn't listen to me. I just like to give you guys any little bit of critique that might help in the long run.
Btw loving the story, it's heating up fast.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Tue Apr 29, 2014 1:15 pm
Sorry...Tanki wrote:
- Ch66 Insight:
One note: The writing style seemed off in this chapter, particularly in stringing sentences. No offense to the editors and Somber you guys are awesome, keep up the great work. But there were a lot of consecutive and abruptly ending sentences through out the chapter that broke up the flow.. at least for me. It seemed to lack some of that smooth flowing finesse that I've gotten used to, which kept kicking me out of immersion.
In short you guys are phenomenal and shouldn't listen to me. I just like to give you guys any little bit of critique that might help in the long run.
Btw loving the story, it's heating up fast.
Welcome to the forum, though.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Rayndalf Tue Apr 29, 2014 6:16 pm
Looks like I two more instances of 12/12.7 mm.
If only they were this common in Fallout New Vegas
Chapter 65 wrote:"dozens of twelve-millimeter semiautomatic weapons tumbled out"
12.7 mm rounds were surprising prevalent in this chapter...Chapter 65 wrote:"I replied as I loaded up on magazines of twelve millimeter rounds"
If only they were this common in Fallout New Vegas
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Tue Apr 29, 2014 7:37 pm
Hm... I think that I shall those ones leave, since they're written out.Rayndalf wrote:Looks like I two more instances of 12/12.7 mm.Chapter 65 wrote:"dozens of twelve-millimeter semiautomatic weapons tumbled out"12.7 mm rounds were surprising prevalent in this chapter...Chapter 65 wrote:"I replied as I loaded up on magazines of twelve millimeter rounds"
If only they were this common in Fallout New Vegas
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Rayndalf Tue Apr 29, 2014 7:56 pm
The dash between twelve and millimeter in the first one and lack of dash in the second is odd though. Even if you leave them written out, I would consider standardizing the dash.
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