Sister forum[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by TyrannisUmbra Mon Feb 10, 2014 3:51 am
Icy Shake wrote:Sure thing! It's in the "Other Editing" section. I'll say, though, that even pulling out the cases where the assault carbine shows up, it's hard to track what's going on with them. There were at least two or three Blackjack used at different points, some of which may have been good against armor, one which seemed weak, and at least one she used as a semi-automatic. It's not really clear where or when they were obtained, in all cases. In at least one case, she breaks the gun and in a later chapter has another assault carbine without, I believe, ever having mentioned getting another in the interim. For some of the cases, I just kind of assume either she or someone else in the party picked one up and added it to the inventory without it getting called out in narration.
Not having played New Vegas, I can't speak to how accurate this suggestion might be, but could the difference in performance against armor be due to using different ammunition in the same carbine, such as 5.56mm hollow point instead of 5.56mm armor piercing?
Also, "markspony carbines" have been used by the Brood of Coyotyl, so the ponification of "marksman carbine" is already available.
Well, in the case of Assault Carbine being what it was being named, that uses 5mm rounds, which are VERY armor piercing (in game terms, Standard rounds penetrate 10 DT, AP penetrates 25 DT, and hollow points only multiply DT by 2 instead of 3). Additionally, the Assault Carbine is an automatic weapon (not semi-auto, actual auto), and as you said she's used it as if it was a semiauto (Which the Marksman Carbine is).
As for after they're renamed, I'm not sure how viable AP rounds are with the Marksman Carbine... Generally it feels more like an antipersonnel weapon, and while it's accurate and fast, I've generally found it to be a low-powered and only marginally effective weapon. In all likelihood, if there are two different versions good or bad against armor, it's likely she's come into possession of both weapons.
- Ch64 stuff:
The creatures of ancient Equestria.
The world was green, lush, and vibrant. A thousand sounds buzzed in the air from incalculably varied kinds of life. It buzzed, chirped, creaked, and howled. Not a good world, nor an evil world; this world lived. It breathed and howled and mated and killed and birthed and died all in one spectacular melody of being. A harmony primal, pure, and unrestrained spread in all directions. No species predominated; in this world, all were of equal importance.
I slithered. I flapped. I raced. I dug. I sang. I hid. I killed. I died. I swam. I mated. I slept. I birthed. I suckled. I rejoiced. I mourned. I was in so very many things and was so many things at once. I was an ant on a tree, and the tree cradling the bird, and the bird sitting upon the egg, and egg with life stirring within. In all these states, I was, and in all this states, in countless voices, I sang.
The spell Glory and Triage were learning about. It killed the ancient creatures.Then a green glow filled the skies, and the song became confused, strained, and fearful. This was not the welcome light of dawn nor the peaceful twilight of evening. This glow was an intruder, alien and cold. There was no warning, no streak of meteor in the sky nor roar of displaced air from a storm. Only a flash, and the flash was death. Only a pressure, massive and crushing all before it. The song was a scream of millions of voices, some flung far away and others sucked into a horrible nothing.
The moon is made of the souls of millions of creatures who lived before Equestria's time? I didn't see that one coming. Definitely not as tasty as cheese.I no longer slithered, flapped, raced, dug, sang, hid, killed, swam, mated, slept, birthed, suckled, rejoiced, or mourned. I died, and the only sound that remained was silence and echoing scream of our death. I was thrown to the wind, to the sky, to the stars. But I could not escape to them. I circled and circled, and I joined with billions more like myself. A new tiny world circling the old, but cold and still and solemn, between the stars and the world below. I took their light, and did the only thing I could. I sang.
Luna's banishment. The creatures comforted her. "The scream" is the lingering effects of that cosmic megaspell... maybe it's linked to starmetal? Nightmare Moon's armor was starmetal.Time passed. The world below grew green once more. A newer song rose up, but the echo of our scream persisted like a scar. The song expelled one bearing the scream to our tiny world, and I held her. Sang to her. Calmed her and soothed her anguish and rage so that when she returned, she would be able to be free. Not healed… not completely. She would always be scarred.
Blackjack got this one. Marigold and her trip to the moon. She brought moonrocks back to Equestria.She would leave, and another came, in a machine of metal and magic. It landed on the still, airless dust, and a voyager stepped out, and her eyes beheld the stars and us and the magnificent desolation all around us. The song was within her, and us, and the stars. And so she used her power to lift me from the dust, and set me in a box with many others. We were so eager to return to the old world below.
This is definitely interesting. Some have a muted "song". Could "song" be how this being sees a soul? It makes sense to think of Goldenblood having a scarred soul.But when we arrived, we were given to ponies whose songs were muted, then to others who held the scream inside them. And with their cold metal, they scraped and shaped and drilled me. A white unicorn, his heart and song as scarred as his body, picked me up and considered me. Though I sang to him, the scream resonated louder in his ears. And so they covered me in plastic so I could not see the stars nor hear their music.
And there's Blackjack, the silly pony who noms on souls.I was alone, but now I am not, for now there are others who sing the song. It echoes and whispers and grows, and with it so does my hope. And another comes, one with a song like that within the traveler, fighting the scream without and fostering the song within, and she raises me to her lips and… bites me…
A lot more straightforward to understand once I actually know what I'm looking at. But this excerpt and the following memory have cemented a passing idea that I had when reading a while back. Back when Goldenblood asked Trottenheimer how big a moonstone/starmetal reaction would be with x amount of each... My mind just keeps coming back to one idea. I don't know if anypony else suggested it, but it keeps coming back to my mind.
I think Horizons is meant to send a rocket filled with starmetal to the moon. To blow up the moon (And as a result, Equestria).
Also, Boo was freaking adorable this chapter. That ending I did NOT see coming at all. Can't wait to see where that goes.
...Seriously, I just about died at “Izza okies, Bwackjack,”
EDIT: OH RIGHT. I almost forgot this bit.
Eating the moonrock allowed her to see the souls. So Rampage has "dozens" of souls within her, Boo was foreshadowed before the big reveal (And the way it's shown makes me think that maybe Boo herself is still there? Only being 'puppeted'). The Rampage bit is what I've found interesting. How many unique personalities has she shown so far? It's less than 10, right? Which means that there's a LOT more in there.
“So… what’s it taste like?” Rampage asked with a grin. The grin multiplied in the air behind her as dozens of shadow ponies began to appear, all smiling at me. One had darker stripes. Another a choker of barbed wire. A third dripped blood. There were dozens more behind her, some distinct, others vague.
“Purple…” I muttered weakly “It tastes horizontally purple in the perpendicular…” My eyes drifted over to Boo. Her strings glistened as they were tugged. From above, the shadowy thing manipulating the puppeteer’s crossbars peered back at me and raised a finger to its lips. “Rambleberry in the haircut, two cups please.” The walls melted around us to reveal the bones and flesh behind the paint.
Echo stood by, small and translucent, head hung in shame, a collar of thorns hung about his neck. But why should that… that shouldn’t mean anything to me… Six tiny Rarities goggled at each other, one normal and the other five with the palettes of her friends.
“Blackjack? You don’t look so good,” Rampage said, a filly painted in blood with a crowd of shadows behind her. Her voice echoed over and over as I stared down through yesterday and up through tomorrow and around and… I looked down at my hooves as my flesh bopped through the seams and twisted around my augments, and my augments started churning and ripping away my flesh and my chest starting singing and that was when I decided that the appropriate response in this situation was to scream…
Jeez, I can't remember all the stuff I want to say for the life of me. Also:
This zebra, Amadi? He wants to wake the Eater. For... some reason. This looks to be one of the next things of importance to find out about...
The tan stallion then grinned at Glass. “Thanks for letting me know he was here, Glassy Baby. I’ll need you to write a formal deposition ASAP for me. Then you can head on back to your office. And keep the Ministry Mares out of the loop on this one. Last thing we want is for any of them to poke their noses in this.” He trotted up to the workstation and scooped up the scattered scrolls. “Any truth to this ‘Eater’ nonsense, Amadi?”
From the shadows stepped the oddly tattooed zebra I’d seen in the Tokomare below. His lips were curled in a blissful smile. “None whatsoever. Just superstition and nonsense.”
...
“By the way, sir, he dropped this.” Amadi reached over his shoulder and pulled out the starmetal tuning fork. “I believe you should have it. It has such a lovely tone.”
Horse took it in his mouth and struck it on the table. The screaming note rang out and he smiled, tossed it in the air, and caught it behind his ear. “Yeah, I think I could get used to it. I should go drill Trottenheimer again. Maybe he’ll get the message now that there’s a new stallion in charge of the O.I.A. See how precious his inch is then.” Then he eyed Glass with a frown. “What are you still doing there?! Go. Write. Chop chop! If we’re lucky we’ll, all get to see him fry in Canterlot tomorrow.” The world began to swirl away as the memory faded.
Last edited by TyrannisUmbra on Mon Feb 10, 2014 6:06 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Exodus Hero Mon Feb 10, 2014 4:46 am
Dem cliff hangers though.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Borsuq Mon Feb 10, 2014 6:11 am
- Thoughts on the new chapter:
Finally, Blackjack interacting with other characters! Yeah! Pity it's just with Rampage (who is now my least favorite character) and Boo, but I'll take what I get.
Why is Rampage the least favorite of my characters, you might ask? Well:![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 17 Naruto-1567510](https://2img.net/h/i28.mangareader.net/naruto/241/naruto-1567510.jpg)
You said it, Obito! And those that betray their companions? They're even worse! Take it away, Itachi!![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 17 Naruto-1480566](https://2img.net/h/i10.mangareader.net/naruto/508/naruto-1480566.jpg)
It's obvious that Rampage is that traitor Dawn had mentioned a while back. Now I realize how obvious it is: she had used some sleeping powder of something on everybody (if my memore serves correct), which should have quickly wear off Rampage. Apparently Cognitum knows a away to kill her... bitch.
Look, I don't care how much she wants to die, or how she justifies it. And I most certainly do not care if she had made sure that they weren't going to kill Blackjack. Those that betray their friends are scum.
Speaking off, Steel Rain saying how they're going to dismentle her legs and wings brought back dark memoreis from the chapter that shall not be named. Now I know why I felt sorry for Dawn at the end of the previous chapter... Seriously, please tell me this f***er dies being impaled of Deus' cannon, or something similar!
Back to Rampage, though... I certainly hope that now that she knows Blackjack's pregnant she will cut the shit. Since she liked foals so much, and hates everybody who harms them, and all that. And I most certainly do not want to see Blackjack captured and have her limbs dismentled. Speaking off, if she would get hit by those granades... umh, spark granades? You know, the ones that turn off electronics. Heh, read the chapter a few hours ago and already forgot... anyway, if she would get hit, won't that turn off her life support system? Won't that be... bad, for the baby? If so, then she'll probably be okay... at least until she'll get to Cognitum.
However, the upcoming confrontation... upsets me a bit. Mostly because Cognitum is the "final boss" here... unless its Tokomare, but oh well... so that means Project Horizons is about to be finished. Which I know, but... later better than sooner. Also, it means that the next chapter will be probaby mostly about Cognitum, which means Blackjack's reunion with Glory, P-21 and Scotch gets put on hold yet again! I really want to see how she breaks the news to them! Now that she got the emotional confession to Rampage, she gets to do a humourus one!
Speaking of Scotch... Somber, when some time ago I asked if she would find herself a colt, so that the others could walk in on her, that's not what I had in mind. But I digress, it was still funny. It's also nice to see how Blackjack still acts like a mother figure to her.
I's also nice to finally see where did the colts in Stable 99 exactly come from. Now to wait and see if my sick theory about Blackjack and P-21 being related (siblings, half-siblings) is true... though I hope not, I don't want the baby to be Stygius'... not that I have something against the character (well, not especially at least), but I like the aide of Blackjack, Glory, P and Scotch as a family.
The energy consumption for flying brushes me off as a serious design flew. Is there a reason behind it? Other than having Blackjack grounded that is.
And finally, the ending. Wow. Just wow. You have a knack for having amazing plot-twists at the end of almost every chapter, Somber, and you once again proved that. As I read this chapter, I kept expecting Rampage to betray Blackjack in the end there, even after she learned about the baby, but you've gone and pulled Legate and... Discord!
Seriously, M. Night Shamalyan (or however you write the guy's name) should read Project Horizons if he likes plot-twist so much, so that he could learn how to do them right!
Overall, I liked this chapter much more than the previous one. Still missing interaction between Blackjack-Glory-P (we still don't know if he said "yes"!), but I'll take what I can. I do hope that if Cognitum bites the dust in the next chapter, there will be still some left for just that.
8/10
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Katarn Mon Feb 10, 2014 6:55 am
Read new chapter. Dat ending..all of my wats.
Last edited by Katarn on Mon Feb 10, 2014 9:12 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scienza Mon Feb 10, 2014 8:54 am
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHO. Hinds wrote:
And 64 is out!
IT'S HAPPENING
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Silver136 Mon Feb 10, 2014 9:16 am
One of the reasons I like PH so much is that it combines a bit of realism in its story. So as for the Marksman Carbine and Assault carbine, the only difference rreally is fire rate. The MC fires a 5.56 round, which is almost identical to a 5mm. So with the bits of realism PH uses, I can't really see these weapons behaving that much differently. And don't forget, many weapons come with selective fire rates. As for power, from a game perspective the MC was more powerful. Being a marksman weapon, its designed for accuracy and damage. Also, AP 5.56 rounds are very effective, especially fired from a marksman weapon.TyrannisUmbra wrote:Icy Shake wrote:Sure thing! It's in the "Other Editing" section. I'll say, though, that even pulling out the cases where the assault carbine shows up, it's hard to track what's going on with them. There were at least two or three Blackjack used at different points, some of which may have been good against armor, one which seemed weak, and at least one she used as a semi-automatic. It's not really clear where or when they were obtained, in all cases. In at least one case, she breaks the gun and in a later chapter has another assault carbine without, I believe, ever having mentioned getting another in the interim. For some of the cases, I just kind of assume either she or someone else in the party picked one up and added it to the inventory without it getting called out in narration.
Not having played New Vegas, I can't speak to how accurate this suggestion might be, but could the difference in performance against armor be due to using different ammunition in the same carbine, such as 5.56mm hollow point instead of 5.56mm armor piercing?
Also, "markspony carbines" have been used by the Brood of Coyotyl, so the ponification of "marksman carbine" is already available.
Well, in the case of Assault Carbine being what it was being named, that uses 5mm rounds, which are VERY armor piercing (in game terms, Standard rounds penetrate 10 DT, AP penetrates 25 DT, and hollow points only multiply DT by 2 instead of 3). Additionally, the Assault Carbine is an automatic weapon (not semi-auto, actual auto), and as you said she's used it as if it was a semiauto (Which the Marksman Carbine is).
As for after they're renamed, I'm not sure how viable AP rounds are with the Marksman Carbine... Generally it feels more like an antipersonnel weapon, and while it's accurate and fast, I've generally found it to be a low-powered and only marginally effective weapon. In all likelihood, if there are two different versions good or bad against armor, it's likely she's come into possession of both weapons.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scienza Mon Feb 10, 2014 11:19 am
THAT ENDING OH MY WHAT YES I AM COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Feb 10, 2014 11:49 am
My assumption is that it's because Blackjack doesn't have pegasus magic, so the augments have to do all the work.Borsuq wrote:The energy consumption for flying brushes me off as a serious design flew. Is there a reason behind it? Other than having Blackjack grounded that is.
I'm also glad to hear that the reactions to the ending that aren't just "wat" are positive; Somber was worried about how it would be received.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by FeatherDust Mon Feb 10, 2014 12:45 pm
I call shenanigans as well. Anyway, that story is, I believe, based on an even older Arabian story about catching monkeys alive using a narrow-necked jar full of nuts.SilentCarto wrote:It's like the old saw about how to catch a raccoon from Where the Red Fern Grows. Supposedly, you drill a hole in a log just big enough for a quarter, then drive nails in around it. A raccoon will see the shiny quarter and grab it, but now he can't get his paw past the nails. The raccoon could let go any time and walk away, but he will remain trapped there until the hunter arrives because he refuses to let go of the quarter. (I call BS on this, but anyway.)
This may help explain why the Perceptitron is a viable system to use within the core while comms are not. Communications transmissions use well-known frequencies and encryptions, and are therefore eminently traceable. The Perceptitron uses unusual backdoor systems and probably emits only a single pulse transmission to tell the target pipbuck to begin the feed, and is a passive listener after that.Cog picked up on the transmission from Steel Rain's Pipbuck, which means it was emitting an unusual data feed rather than some always-on broadcast of everything the wearer experiences.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by CD Mon Feb 10, 2014 4:25 pm
The cliffhanger! It's too perfect, I want to see where this goes! Now I must wait at least a month to see the epic continuation. *shakes fist at the heavens* Damn you, Somber!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by MSCA Mon Feb 10, 2014 6:27 pm
- Couple typos:
Chapter 62b "You’d have to share it with a group calling themselves the Steel Rangers, but I have a feeling that you two would have a lot of offer each other."
Chapter 64 "Cognitum can’t keep the swamers suppressed forever,”"
I really enjoyed the new chapter! Dat ending.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by StoneSlinger88 Mon Feb 10, 2014 7:21 pm
Dat ending indeed. I thought that
- spoiler:
- Discord probably had something to do with Boo, but wasn't suspecting he hijacked a blank to keep an eye on her/Legate. Good cliffhanger.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Feb 10, 2014 7:30 pm
Ah, thank you.MSCA wrote:
- Couple typos:
Chapter 62b "You’d have to share it with a group calling themselves the Steel Rangers, but I have a feeling that you two would have a lot of offer each other."
Chapter 64 "Cognitum can’t keep the swamers suppressed forever,”"
I really enjoyed the new chapter! Dat ending.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Moodyman90 Mon Feb 10, 2014 7:36 pm
Just finished reading the newest chapter.
"Well... that's one mystery solved, and plenty of cries of "I called it" to be heard. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
That aside, rather good chapter in my opinion. Even the "golden" parts were dark, foreboding, reeking of dread. And yes, we're nearing the end game now.
"Well... that's one mystery solved, and plenty of cries of "I called it" to be heard. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
That aside, rather good chapter in my opinion. Even the "golden" parts were dark, foreboding, reeking of dread. And yes, we're nearing the end game now.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by chinman Mon Feb 10, 2014 7:50 pm
Yet another awesome chapter! Its great to see things are moving right along again now that we're done recapping on all of the different characters and places.
Really there's not much I can say that hasn't already been said, except that...
Really there's not much I can say that hasn't already been said, except that...
- SPOILERS:
- ...I am really surprised more people haven't said anything about that bombshell of a reveal that Project Horizons itself may in fact have been a part of the Eater's/Culist's/Evil Conspiracy's grand scheme all along and that firing it off would most likely doom everything and everyone, nor the fact that Goldie let slip that there is a second weapon that would hopefully destroy the Eater without having the rather nasty side effect of destroying the world along with it. So it looks like we can all thank our lucky stars that BJ didn't hit "Y" back in chapter 45 when she had the option of firing Horizons.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Train Dodger Mon Feb 10, 2014 8:59 pm
Damn if the Core isn't like... hell's flaming bunghole or something. I keep thinking, gee, I don't want to just read about this. I want to play this. In a Fallout game. On the hardest difficulty possible. With mods that add even more difficulty.
Did a quick pass to see what issues I could find:
Did a quick pass to see what issues I could find:
- Chapter 64 Proofing:
- The remainder of the cubicle’s walls collapsed on top of me, entombing me in a mound of pulped paper, soaked fabric, rusty metal, and flaky plastic. “...But it’s kind of hard to navigate in this place.”
Grammar: The "But" shouldn't be capitalized, since this sentence continues from the previous line of dialogue.“Really, these things alone suck up more energy than my entire old body. Fully powered up, I have maybe five minutes of before I crash.”
Grammar: [five minutes of before] > [five minutes of flight before]A threaded shaft as wide as pony stretched across to the next building.
Grammar: This should probably be "as a pony".Three days?! I frowned and rubbed my temple, then remember that I had half an inch of steel covering it.
Grammar: Should be past tense, "remembered".She whipped out a Sparkle Cola from her bags and hoofed it to me.
Grammar: Should be hyphenated as "Sparkle-Cola".I rose to my hooves and headed for the door when suddenly Boo started and began looked around.
Grammar: This should be "looking".The papers on the desk began to bounce around and slide on to the floor.
Grammar: [on to] > [onto]Furniture clattered about, and the dead terminal in the desk fell with a pop and scattering of glass.
Prose: This should be "on", right?“Let’s get moving,” I said, wanting nothing more to be out of leaning skyscrapers if the earth was going to shake.
Grammar: [more to] > [more than to]Though I get a mental glower from a white unicorn for thinking she’d be so gaudily obvious.
Prose: Should probably be past tense "got".I gazed around at the closed office doors, behind any one of which might be secrets I wanted to know.
Prose: Should be past tense "might've been".I looked at her, then dropped my eyes. “Robronco. Cognitum is at Robonco.”
Typo: [Robonco] > [Robronco]I looked from one door to the next; no clue where the Director’s office would be. May as well start with the liaisons here. I kicked open the door to Quartz’s office and immediately began to finger through her files.
Prose: The sentence in bold is in present tense, representing a thought that's in the forefront of Blackjack's mind. An easy fix would be to simply enclose it in quotation marks, turning it into dialogue while preserving the tense. After all, Blackjack is no stranger to the concept of talking to herself.What’d I’d found was a Quartz that was constantly concerned with Morale’s ever expanding operations and her worries that she wouldn’t be able to reign in Pinkie.
Grammar: In this sentence, "ever expanding" should probably be hyphenated as "ever-expanding", and "reign in" should be "rein in".You have to know something about this, E. Those two, Mortar and Gesundhite, are your cousins.
Typo: Should be "Gesundheit", unless the spelling is intentional.The date on the bottom was the same day bombs fell.
Prose: This should probably read "day the bombs fell". After all, these are not just any bombs. They're the bombs.I know I’m here only because Twilight’s in a snit, and I want this Director deal to be a full time affair.
Grammar: Should be hyphenated as "full-time".I have enough evidence to get Looloo to lock Goldie to up for good, but I’d really like enough to get her to do something more... permanent.
Grammar: [Goldie to up] > [Goldie up]I hated that I was putting her in harm’s way, but I had to trust to her skill, her quickness, and her luck to keep her alive.
Grammar: The "to" highlighted in bold should probably be deleted entirely.“You’re breaking up. Say again, Rain?” The stallion said in low, terse voices.
Grammar: Should be "a low, terse voice", since this dialogue tag is referring to just the one. Or perhaps not, if he shifts from one tone to the next. Your call.Now an IF-88 Ironpony… Sigh; I doubted such a gun even existed. Still, I could keep a little hope in my heart, couldn’t I?
Comment: Back in Chapter 30, Keeper flat-out told Blackjack that the IF-88 was never mass-produced. So, she'd be holding out hope that an intact prototype still exists somewhere. Wouldn't it be funny if she actually found one?“Find the way out, Boo,” I reiterated as slid in another five-round magazine.
Grammar: [as slid] > [as I slid]Don’t look… don’t look at the little bundle in the hands of the drone… at it waves its little hooves in the air at mommy.
Grammar: [at] > [as]One eye glowed a faint red, and wires covered the side of his face to disappear the swaddling.
Grammar: This should probably be "wires ran down the side of his face to disappear into the swaddling".“Oh, hello Rampage,” I said with a smile, then faced out at the glowing city.
Prose: This should probably be either "swept my gaze across the glowing city" or "faced the glowing city", or something along those lines. "Faced out at" seems pretty awkward.The navigation tag directed me straight ahead, where I suspected that Cognium also awaited me.
Typo: [Cognium] > [Cognitum]We started across the street when Boo started. “Shaker!” she gasped as the ground began to vibrate.
Prose: Some repetition, there. Might consider replacing the second "started" with "flinched".Was I seriously going to have to chose lesser evils?
Grammar: [chose] > [choose]I walked up on to the platform, peering at the mote.
Grammar: [on to] > [onto]“This is a history of something called the Eater of Souls... a great evil power from the stars. I thought it was just a machine. Alien technology. Limitless potential! Such a fool...”
Grammar: There's an extra space between the highlighted words.“What are you still doing there?! Go. Write. Chop chop! If we’re lucky we’ll, all get to see him fry in Canterlot tomorrow.”
Grammar: The comma after the word highlighted in bold should be deleted.She shocked by the question, then a little sickened.
Grammar: This should most likely be "She looked shocked".It took me nearly a minute to calm down enough to speak again.
Grammar: Extra space between these words.“Yes…I don’t want to give this up.”
Grammar: Missing space after ellipsis.“Blackjack, you’re pregnant. That changes things. If you weren’t, then yeah. I’d think you were a coward and a fucking idiot. But you’re not. You’re a mother, and you’re scared for your baby. I can’t think anything more powerful.” She patted my shoulder again.
Prose: Should probably be "think of anything".“Are you...” I started to ask, wanting to bring up Steel Rain and what had she spoken with him about.
Grammar: [had she] > [she had]
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Feb 10, 2014 10:57 pm
Ah, thank you. I can't get in to edit at the moment (you'd think that people with editing permission would have reserved slots, but nooooooo...), but I've put these on a list.Train Dodger wrote:Damn if the Core isn't like... hell's flaming bunghole or something. I keep thinking, gee, I don't want to just read about this. I want to play this. In a Fallout game. On the hardest difficulty possible. With mods that add even more difficulty.
Did a quick pass to see what issues I could find:
- Chapter 64 Proofing:
Grammar: The "But" shouldn't be capitalized, since this sentence continues from the previous line of dialogue.“Really, these things alone suck up more energy than my entire old body. Fully powered up, I have maybe five minutes of before I crash.”
Grammar: [five minutes of before] > [five minutes of flight before]A threaded shaft as wide as pony stretched across to the next building.
Grammar: This should probably be "as a pony".Three days?! I frowned and rubbed my temple, then remember that I had half an inch of steel covering it.
Grammar: Should be past tense, "remembered".She whipped out a Sparkle Cola from her bags and hoofed it to me.
Grammar: Should be hyphenated as "Sparkle-Cola".I rose to my hooves and headed for the door when suddenly Boo started and began looked around.
Grammar: This should be "looking".The papers on the desk began to bounce around and slide on to the floor.
Grammar: [on to] > [onto]Furniture clattered about, and the dead terminal in the desk fell with a pop and scattering of glass.
Prose: This should be "on", right?“Let’s get moving,” I said, wanting nothing more to be out of leaning skyscrapers if the earth was going to shake.
Grammar: [more to] > [more than to]Though I get a mental glower from a white unicorn for thinking she’d be so gaudily obvious.
Prose: Should probably be past tense "got".I gazed around at the closed office doors, behind any one of which might be secrets I wanted to know.
Prose: Should be past tense "might've been".I looked at her, then dropped my eyes. “Robronco. Cognitum is at Robonco.”
Typo: [Robonco] > [Robronco]I looked from one door to the next; no clue where the Director’s office would be. May as well start with the liaisons here. I kicked open the door to Quartz’s office and immediately began to finger through her files.
Prose: The sentence in bold is in present tense, representing a thought that's in the forefront of Blackjack's mind. An easy fix would be to simply enclose it in quotation marks, turning it into dialogue while preserving the tense. After all, Blackjack is no stranger to the concept of talking to herself.What’d I’d found was a Quartz that was constantly concerned with Morale’s ever expanding operations and her worries that she wouldn’t be able to reign in Pinkie.
Grammar: In this sentence, "ever expanding" should probably be hyphenated as "ever-expanding", and "reign in" should be "rein in".You have to know something about this, E. Those two, Mortar and Gesundhite, are your cousins.
Typo: Should be "Gesundheit", unless the spelling is intentional.The date on the bottom was the same day bombs fell.
Prose: This should probably read "day the bombs fell". After all, these are not just any bombs. They're the bombs.I know I’m here only because Twilight’s in a snit, and I want this Director deal to be a full time affair.
Grammar: Should be hyphenated as "full-time".I have enough evidence to get Looloo to lock Goldie to up for good, but I’d really like enough to get her to do something more... permanent.
Grammar: [Goldie to up] > [Goldie up]I hated that I was putting her in harm’s way, but I had to trust to her skill, her quickness, and her luck to keep her alive.
Grammar: The "to" highlighted in bold should probably be deleted entirely.“You’re breaking up. Say again, Rain?” The stallion said in low, terse voices.
Grammar: Should be "a low, terse voice", since this dialogue tag is referring to just the one. Or perhaps not, if he shifts from one tone to the next. Your call.Now an IF-88 Ironpony… Sigh; I doubted such a gun even existed. Still, I could keep a little hope in my heart, couldn’t I?
Comment: Back in Chapter 30, Keeper flat-out told Blackjack that the IF-88 was never mass-produced. So, she'd be holding out hope that an intact prototype still exists somewhere. Wouldn't it be funny if she actually found one?“Find the way out, Boo,” I reiterated as slid in another five-round magazine.
Grammar: [as slid] > [as I slid]Don’t look… don’t look at the little bundle in the hands of the drone… at it waves its little hooves in the air at mommy.
Grammar: [at] > [as]One eye glowed a faint red, and wires covered the side of his face to disappear the swaddling.
Grammar: This should probably be "wires ran down the side of his face to disappear into the swaddling".“Oh, hello Rampage,” I said with a smile, then faced out at the glowing city.
Prose: This should probably be either "swept my gaze across the glowing city" or "faced the glowing city", or something along those lines. "Faced out at" seems pretty awkward.The navigation tag directed me straight ahead, where I suspected that Cognium also awaited me.
Typo: [Cognium] > [Cognitum]We started across the street when Boo started. “Shaker!” she gasped as the ground began to vibrate.
Prose: Some repetition, there. Might consider replacing the second "started" with "flinched".Was I seriously going to have to chose lesser evils?
Grammar: [chose] > [choose]I walked up on to the platform, peering at the mote.
Grammar: [on to] > [onto]“This is a history of something called the Eater of Souls... a great evil power from the stars. I thought it was just a machine. Alien technology. Limitless potential! Such a fool...”
Grammar: There's an extra space between the highlighted words.“What are you still doing there?! Go. Write. Chop chop! If we’re lucky we’ll, all get to see him fry in Canterlot tomorrow.”
Grammar: The comma after the word highlighted in bold should be deleted.She shocked by the question, then a little sickened.
Grammar: This should most likely be "She looked shocked".It took me nearly a minute to calm down enough to speak again.
Grammar: Extra space between these words.“Yes…I don’t want to give this up.”
Grammar: Missing space after ellipsis.“Blackjack, you’re pregnant. That changes things. If you weren’t, then yeah. I’d think you were a coward and a fucking idiot. But you’re not. You’re a mother, and you’re scared for your baby. I can’t think anything more powerful.” She patted my shoulder again.
Prose: Should probably be "think of anything".“Are you...” I started to ask, wanting to bring up Steel Rain and what had she spoken with him about.
Grammar: [had she] > [she had]
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Feb 10, 2014 10:59 pm
And right after I say that, a slot opens.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Feb 10, 2014 11:13 pm
Eh… I'm going to disagree here, sorry.Train Dodger wrote:Prose: This should probably be either "swept my gaze across the glowing city" or "faced the glowing city", or something along those lines. "Faced out at" seems pretty awkward.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Admiral Stoic Rum Tue Feb 11, 2014 12:52 am
- A Lore Error in Ch 64:
- Emerald served as liaison for Ministry of Magic. Most of her papers seemed involved in covering things up: keeping stories of magical waste accidents secret, obscuring the specifics of Twilight’s findin..
Its the Ministry of Arcane Science
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Exodus Hero Tue Feb 11, 2014 1:22 am
I had a problem with the ending that might well be explained later but I'm going to bring it up now in the hopes that someone can explain it to me without myself having to wait a month.
- Spoiler:
- So the whole thing with the legate deals with the maiden of the stars, yet Discord is male. The legate says that he should have died two centuries ago (although he didn't use any gender terms) so that means he is familiar with him. Is it just there's some error in translation when the prophecy was made that Discord was feminine? Or is it because he's inhabiting a female body; therefore, he is now considered female? Kind of makes the whole ending seem like a red herring because I don't believe anyone thought of Discord as feminine.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Tue Feb 11, 2014 1:23 am
Ah, thank you.Admiral Stoic Rum wrote:
- A Lore Error in Ch 64:
Its the Ministry of Arcane Science
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Tue Feb 11, 2014 1:47 am
Strictly speaking, Ministry of Magic was used as a sort of nickname, and Blackjack had heard it a couple times, so she could think it, even if it's not the most likely.Admiral Stoic Rum wrote:
- A Lore Error in Ch 64:
Its the Ministry of Arcane Science
- Chapter Sixty Four Running Thoughts:
- “You’ve spent three months in the Core, and you’ve gotten less than six blocks away from the wreck of the Hurricane? What have you been doing, Blackjack?”
"Well, you see, the expected distance travelled by a partical undergoing Brownian motion only scales with the square root of time, and the mean free path here is pretty short . . . " /Glory
“If it wasn’t for Boo, I would have been dead a dozen times over. She feeds me when I go down.”
A sort
of role-reversal, there.
“Bwackjack’s a powah hog,” Boo said from up ahead, looking back at us.
That's just not fair! It's going to suck when something worse than Blackjack going away happens to her.
“I’ve got a zebra soul inside me, so naturally I’ve got crazy tracking skills. They’re all natural trackers and survivalists and stuff. Funny that way.”
Convenient, that. 'Course, it probably helps that the soul is also that of a soldier who tended to do a bunch of tracking.
Rampage shoved her way to the far side of the office and looked back at me. “What makes you think that?” she asked skeptically.
“Well,” I balked. “Don’t they?”
Blackjack, still not putting things together.
I just stand there blissing out at how awesome the Core is. And it’s… it’s…” I struggled to say the word as Rampage waited impatiently. “Nice,” I finally admitted. “It’s comforting and soothing and… I don’t know. I like it.”
Even on pure broadcast? That's worrying. Granted, it could also be the case that the broadcaster is locked as a transceiver.
“Okay, fine! There’re a few I’ve picked out who get it on at rather predictable times.”
“You are so busted when I tell Glory,” Rampage teased.
Somehow, I think Glory will understand.
“Let’s just say Scotch Tape and I need to have a heart to heart about fillies, colts, and some of her tools.”
Okay, that one seems a little on the incest-ish side, but whatever.
“Fucking Celestia, if I start bawling, I’m throwing myself down the nearest elevator shaft and calling it a day. The only thing worse than pain is fucking self pity.”
Well, that just means that whenever you feel down, you can look at yourself and think of how much worse it would be to be Blackjack.
We went up, down, over and, across through rents and gaps in the floors, ceilings, and walls as much forward, backward, and sideways.
Wow. I didn't think the Brownian motion quip would be quite so close to an accurate description.
“Wait. Where is it?” I gave a mumbled reply, looking away. “Huh? What’s that?” I mumbled a bit louder. “Didn’t quite catch that.”
“I dropped it, okay?!” I yelled at her.
And that's how you integrate show dialog!
“Nothing’s in me, Rampage! Okay?”
. . .
“Well, maybe things change, Rampage. Maybe I’ve changed! Look at me. I’m more machine than mare now. Heck, I’m lucky I can still eat, sleep and… shit,”
Good to see the pregnancy's had an impact on her. It'll be interesting to observe how it changes combat, now she's not on the full speed ahead/dead stop state pair.
The silver wire was barely thicker than a hair, but it was all that was needed to pull me along.
Confirmed for starmetal.
In fact, my leg probably would have been torn right out of its socket.
Or, perhaps, the leg would have been severed.
Then I saw eyes on the far side of the gap. Some may have been pony eyes. Others might have been the eyes of radroaches or bloatsprites. Several could have been blind, sightless things or immense wet pustules. It was impossible to know. I just knew that scream; I’d heard it before and knew that it came from many, many mouths.
Chilling.
A beet red protrusion, vaguely, horribly phallic, began to push through.
Naturally.
Gibbering orifices, fanged and revoltingly yonic, opened and closed on the veined, maroon shaft. The end of it split open like a grotesque fanged flower, squirming tendrils within reaching for my flesh. Each one was tipped in a star-like maw as it reached for my midriff.
Is that what I think it is? If so, well, when it included the smell of iron earlier, I was vaguely thinking sandworm, but the timing of the introduction of the tatzelwurm to the Equestrian bestiary was great.
Terror burned so deeply in me that I barely acknowledged the sledgehammer blow as I squeezed myself through that mental tube… only to feel myself yanked back out it.
No shit. I get the impulse to try, but it just makes sense you couldn't teleport out of a starmetal cage.
The creature screamed in rage, agony, or both as brighter and brighter flashes went off inside its body, spikes of radiation accompanying each one.
Blackjack still isn't immune to radiation, right? And normal healing/regeneration talismans don't really work on radiation poisoning. Hopefully these aren't too big.
I regarded the pendant, the plastic on one edge blackened and warped, and then I carefully bit down and peeled off a strip of plastic. Within was the pale glitter of moonstone.
Yep. Though I didn't expect that contact was unnecessary. That does explain the need for Flux in particular as the buffer in the bullets for Folly, though.
“Don’t make that face at me Boo; you don’t want to get eye tentacle penis tumors. Trust me on this.” Okay, technically, that had been from Taint… but anything to get her to finish off the pouch.
The repeated radiation exposure probably didn't help, though.
Echo stood by, small and translucent, head hung in shame, a collar of thorns hung about his neck. But why should that… that shouldn’t mean anything to me… Six tiny Rarities goggled at each other, one normal and the other five with the palettes of her friends.
That's a good way of rendering it. Also, moonstone's a hell of a drug.
Well, the moonstone vision is beautiful, and a touching story in its own right.
“Well… You remember the drug ‘Moon Dust’? I once heard there might be a little tiny bit of actual moonstone in it. So you just took a Blackjack-sized dose of the stuff.”
Forgot about that.
You know, if just being on the moon while pregnant with Tarot seems to have possibly changed Blackjack's fate generations later, what will consuming moonstone do to Blackjack's?
Really? Earthquakes? What else was the Core going to throw at me? Hurricanes?
Well, sure, now it'll happen. That's how this works, you see.
Between every third and fourth door were pithy inspirational posters like ‘Equestria depends on you’ and ‘Don’t fail Princess Luna.’
Cool, O.I.A.
He asked for their itinerary… Withers Sugarcube Corner subsidiary. Hoofington Museum of Natural History. Hoofington Sports Arena. Flankfurt Sugarcube Corner operations office…
Ooh, some answers to the break-ins and attacks, maybe?
I can't believe I just got that Goldenblood studied and collected stones, and the connection to the O.I.A. liaisons!
The one paper I found that wasn’t concerned with protecting Luna’s image was about Rarity granting Goldenblood access to certain zebra artifacts at her hub. Keep this from Horse! was written across the top of it.
Well, ideally that would apply to everything, now, wouldn't it?
Since the attempted assassination on Applejack, war efficiency increased thirty-seven percent following the removal of six unqualified members of her family from their positions. I recommend a systematic purge of all Apple family members from critical positions through retirement incentives, legal action, or ‘misfortunes’.
Let's be honest, it's not hard to see that happening. Of course, some might really have been the best pony for the job; imagine if Applebloom were one.
“I think I can make more starmetal,” answered Horse with a grin.
Fuck. That can't be good.
“It increased its density? Did it convert the moonstone? How…” Trottenheimer trailed off, then looked at Horse on the far side.
I didn't think there'd be something more horrifying and morally crushing than soul-jarring, but I think this beats it out.
What’s this Horizons thing Goldie was working on? It’s been buried under so many layers of crap that I can’t find more than the basics.
This line, it's hilarious. Was that meta-humor on Project Horizons itself, and how it's never given more than the basics of what the project is?
“An inch,” Trottenheimer said quietly. “It is small and it is fragile, but it is the only thing worth having.”
“What the hell are you talking about, Doc?” Horse scowled, dropping his hoof. “I thought you were smart. You’re going to lose a whole lot more than an inch!
Of course Horse doesn't get it. I bet Goldenblood would, though.
No doubt I was showing up on their E.F.S.; if I was lucky, I’d be lost against the thousands of other red bars in range.
But mightn't she be a non-hostile at the moment? Granted, showing up as yellow might be even worse if most are red.
“I saw something. I know I did,” a pasty white unicorn mare with a spark grenade muttered. “A yellow bar. I’m sure of it.”
“Nothing here is yellow. That’s got to be Blackjack. She doesn’t want to kill anypony,”
It's happening again.
I didn’t know who I was saying that for. Her? Myself? I levitated the talisman away. The mare trembled, her flesh sloughing off her bones, then collapsed as her hide gave way in a wet slurry.
Did Blackjack just manage a mercy kill!?
I knew that Rampage…
…would be talking with Steel Rain, who was now in fancy, sparkling silver armor? I gaped at her and then at him. Their lips moved, but what were they talking about? He was smiling, his helmet casually on his back. She frowned, waving her hoof up and behind her. Steel Rain answered, and Rampage scowled at him, then gave a terse nod, turned, and walked away.
Weird. I know Rampage is miffed at Blackjack's delay, but there must be more going on here than a simple betrayal.
The effect was immediate but subtle, a faint changing of the halls from dim to a pale gold. The debris and garbage on the floor didn’t disappear so much as just fade from my attention. The illumination increased, the air turned warmer, and the silence was replaced by the babble of thousands.
So that's what was hiding the drains last chapter.
“Yeah. That made it around the network. EQD’s always highlighting her work,” her friend said as they passed by me.
Eugh.
“Find the way out, Boo,” I reiterated as slid in another five-round magazine. Spark mines wouldn’t do anything to her except ruin her mane.
Which is why you combine them with standard mines, obviously.
A golden swarm of shining motes rose around me as I turned slowly to face the unaugmented, separated, unimproved, imperfect ponies that dared attack me. They skidded to a halt before me, their eyes wide in shock and horror.
I think she needs to break out now, or she'll do something she'd regret.
Then the motes swirled around the pair. Combat armor, power armor, both were chewed away. Then skin, muscle, and bone.
Yeah. She's not controlling them, is she? I'm scared.
“Security saves…” did I? I wanted to, but maybe Dawn had been right. Augmentation and unity were salvation. I could imagine an augmented P-21. Scotch Tape. Glory. My… that half metal colt filled my vision. “No! No!” I screamed as I broke the connection again.
The golden motes became deformed black spheres with mouths filled with drills, pincers, and hooks.
Okay, close one.
These towers were so tall that their tips were lost in the endless storm above. The hole that had once swirled around Shadowbolt tower was now a deep well stretching far up into the sky. I couldn’t even see a hint of what was on the other side.
That's a pretty cool image.
Only the M.o.I. building was intact. More than intact, in fact; it was untouched by the strange alterations happening throughout the city. It perched on the very edge of the pit like a marble headstone.
Unsettling. Is it a soul jar, and if so, why?
“I might be the second biggest badass in the Wasteland, but there’s still something about Pinkie that creeps me out.”
Who does she think the first is? If Blackjack, then where does Big Daddy Reaper rank?
Even the five figurines and Rampage cried out in agony as Enervation’s shriek tore through me like a chainsaw.
My ctrl-f fu isn't giving a fast answer, and now I have to wonder who's missing. It's not Rainbow, Applejack, or Rarity. Though wait, when Blackjack was first on the moon dust, she saw all six. Huh.
“Takes one to know one,” a voice muttered sarcastically in my ear.
“YOU ARE UNLIKE THEY. YOU ARE LIKE HIM. HE THAT HEARD MY SONG. THAT HEEDED MY DREAM! YOU MUST COMPLETE HIS WORK! THEN ALL WILL BE UNITED INSIDE ME!”
“Oh yes. Sooo appealing...” that voice drawled sarcastically. “That’s enough of that.”
Echo? Blackjack herself?
The golden world was gone, but I could hear that voice, once more reduced to a whisper. “I CAN GIVE YOU ALL YOU DESIRE! FREE ME, LIBERATOR! GIVE ME LIFE! I WANT TO LIVE!”
The fading reminds me of "Daisy, Daisy . . . give me your answer do . . . ", but with less pathos.
“It’s a warehouse,” I said as I rose to my hooves, wishing I could wipe my eyes. The air between the towering stacks was filled with countless pale white wisps wandering through the air.
It's Image, so there must be some soul magic holding them there.
Whatever it had been, that voice hadn’t seemed like a poor, suffering soul. It’d been haughty and imperious, insulting and cold.
Was I seriously going to have to chose lesser evils?
Well, you've already started, with your role in the Society and the megaspell.
“Nawww... but is preddy though! An warm,” she said as she waved her hoof through the pale, glowing light. If Boo liked it, it couldn’t be bad.
In most cases, that's only a figure of speech. Here, I doubt it.
“Can you tell me if my baby’s okay? I was in that Enervation, and...” One of the motes swept into my belly, and I felt a warm glow and fluttering. “Okay... that’s odd...” I gasped. The mote reappeared out my back and bounced up and down in front of me. “That means yes?” More bobbing. I felt more relief than I had in ages from a simple floating light.
Simple, but a comforting contrast to the Eater's presence.
“What was that?” he whispered in my mind. The mote moved away from me, bobbed, moved away again, and bobbed once more.
Is it going to lead them to his body?
It was something we considered back before Megaspells. We named it ‘Project Starfall’.
Makes sense. Not sure why I thought that was Folly, though. Maybe it just had Trottenheimer's name attached somewhere along the line.
“I’m so scared, Rampage. I want to stop Cognitum. I have to. But… I’m going to have a baby! I don’t even know if I can carry it all the way. But I can feel… I know something’s different inside me. Something that’s not steel and wire.”
Probably not the entirety, but it's natural that this plays a role.
“What higher power did you piss the fuck off, Blackjack?” Rampage asked in soft exasperation.![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 17 225-35](https://2img.net/u/2516/12/35/12/avatars/225-35.jpg)
It was tempting. So very tempting. I go. Let someone else be responsible for the world. EC-1101 had been my burden for so long. Through one to three deaths, depending on how you counted. I opened up the panel in my leg and looked at the PipBuck that’d complicated my life so damn much. I spotted Echo off to the side, nodding once. Finally, I put a foreleg over my eyes. I had to choose... stay and finish this, or go...
And I couldn’t go. “I’ll see this through,” I said softly. “End it.
Blackjack's really grown up a lot.
He must have had a moonstone hidden in those wrappings, or underneath that skull.
Or no soul, or some star-granted immunity.
“Haven’t you wondered, Blackjack? Such a helpless mare, all alone, desperate for your protection. Seeking to accompany you? Haven’t you wondered about her odd luck? The way she always survives while her enemies die in odd... often amusing, ways?”
Not the biggest surprise, but not quite what I was execting. Screwball, maybe? Or just some random chaos spirit?
The Legate pointed a hoof at the mare. “It’s time for you to die, Discord!”
Dun dun duuuun!
- Chapter Sixty Four Overall Thoughts:
- This arc is going great so far. This chapter was great, with well-realized scenery making for an interesting backdrop to everything going on. Sure, we're still only being teased with what Project Horizons is, but the look inside the O.I.A. and Goldenblood's encounter with Horse, and Trottenheimer's, at least gave some idea of what was going on in major characters' heads near the end. Amadi has me worried, and I'm interested to hear just what the Legate thinks was supposed to happen to Discord two centuries ago.
The moonstone scene was gorgeous, and a nice story in its own right. Seeing so much life cut out, yet living on to heal and protect, and to wish to return home only to fine life's song muted and the scream of death finding a home in the hearts of the living was touching, and made the transmutation of moonstone to starmetal all the worse.
On the whole, I liked the augment-vision. It really did sell the appeal to Dawn, while maintaining a certain otherness that kept me creeped out even before the mechasprites did their thing. And I can hardly think of a better reason for Blackjack not to have gotten a message out. The one sore spot in this area, for me, was the EQD reference. On the plus side, the way it was affecting Blackjack had me very concerned that even though she'd surely break free of it at some point, she might have done something she'd never forgive herself for along the way. I was relieved to see that it seems that that bullet was dodged. From around the same time, I liked the yellow bar in EFS thing, and the joke from the Harbinger about it was icing.
I think that Blackjack was great in this chapter, her ambivalent struggle to determine what to do seeming a natural outgrowth from who she always was and the fact that she's been becoming ever less a pony, at least physically. Her pregnancy, in part as one last bit of physical normality, would be at the forefront of her mind, and the special place it has in her culture strenghthens that and is an interesting mirror image to 99's forgetfulness of the dead. I'd also say that Rampage's unusual sincerity felt dead-on.
The Eater himself is interesting, apparently at least somewhat powerless and disconnected from the rest of the city and the world, with Cognitum a mere shadow at most. The pride and desire to remake all in his image that still drives him--and the speech they lead to--work, but paint him as a character who, if he ever had cleverness or subtlety, lost them long ago.
It's interesting that Blackjack isn't the Maiden of Stars, or at least not the one the Legate was expecting. Kind of makes Lancer's whole deal seem all the more stupid and futile. But at least he learned something from it. As for the Legate himself, that will obviously show more in the next chapter. Also, making Boo/Discord his next major fight, possibly without the major involvement of Blackjack, could help to avoid some of the backlash from her battle with him way back when, so if that's the direction this is going, that could be a side benefit.
It was fun to see Boo get smarter and more directly effective, and her speech was just adorable. I did not see her being Discord, though. I was kind of expecting she was changed by him, but not that. I suppose, given his ability to move from place to place so readily, it wouldn't have been too great an effort to prep her, play rear guard, and then jump in. I guess she really wasn't a real pony, after all. Probably--can never be too certain with this story. Hopefully Discord won't go and take over the rest of the story like he tends to do in the episodes he features in.
The down side to everything, I think, is that it looks like we may not be up to a full cast again for a while. It's understandable, but the story does seem to suffer a bit when they're split up for too long; I don't think we're particularly close to that point yet, though.
But what was up with Rampage and Steel Rain?
- Chapter Sixty Four Editing:
- “To retrieve your missing Elements, just make sense of this change of events. Twists and turns are my master plan. Then find the Elements back where you began.”
Only one space after the periods
but I’m kind of lacking in the nerve ending department!” I said with a frown.
should have only one space after quotation
Any other direction. “So why’d you
Only one space after period.
We went up, down, over and, across through rents and gaps in the floors, ceilings, and walls as much forward, backward, and sideways.
Comma after "over", none after first "and", possibly one after "across". Maybe an "as" after "much".
I huffed. “First Rainbow Dash
Only one space after period.
Sparks flew as she dented and scraped my metal limb; the dents disappearing almost as soon as she made them.
semicolon to comma, or "disappearing" to "disappeared"
“Gem!” I called out.
Should have only one space after quotation.
started to squeeze through. The doors now bulged outwards
only one space after period
as if I was pulling the thing through to us.
"was" to "were"?
Had mom, or had she been so devoted to her duty that she’d worked through it?
"mom" should be capitalized
“I have to be strong and enduring and… and see this through.
needs closing quotation mark
“Well… You remember the drug ‘Moon Dust’?
should have second space after ellipsis or not capitalize "You"
I frowned and rubbed my temple, then remember that I had half an inch of steel covering it.
"remembered"
She whipped out a Sparkle Cola from her bags and hoofed it to me.
hyphen for "Sparkle-Cola"
I quickly downed half of it, then munched on some wintergreen-tasting sapphires to replenish my energy.
"Rubies were spicy, emeralds tasted like spearmint, sapphires like peppermint, amethysts were fruity, citrines tangy…"
in a whole damned city? “What is it,
three spaces after question mark
I said, wanting nothing more to be out of leaning skyscrapers if the earth was going to shake.
"nothing more than"?
“Maybe there’s a gun somewhere in this place.” I asked as we stepped out together into the hall.
quotation shouldn't end with period. "asked" implies quotation mark, but even if you do comma, there should only be one space after the quotation.
Though I get a mental glower from a white unicorn for thinking she’d be so gaudily obvious.
"get" to "got" or "did get"
Between every third and fourth door were pithy inspirational posters like ‘Equestria depends on you’ and ‘Don’t fail Princess Luna.’
period to outside of quotation marks?
I continued in the direction of the Pipbuck routing tag.
"PipBuck"
‘I know that there were sixty-four hundred orphaned ponies this year, G.
Should that open-quote be there?
Internally however, were messages
comma after "Internally"?
The first four that weren’t were tedious business affairs;
there should be a noun after "four"; as is, the sentence means "The first four [days] that weren't . . . "
On the worktable was a large scale and something that resembled a metal birdsnest.
"was" to "were"
I’m concerned about this Moonstone stuff.
"Moonstone" shouldn't be capitalized
Horse said the word casually, but from the smile frozen on his face and the sharp stare he gave the silent Trottenheimer, it was clear he fished for a reaction.
should that be "was fishing"?
“Wha… how… who…” Horse sputtered as Trottenheimer walked slowly out the door.
should this have only one space after the quotation?
The two latter were unicorns, and each had a spark grenade levitated and ready to go.
"latter two"?
Say again, Rain?” The stallion said in low, terse voices.
should have only one space after quotation and "The" shoudln't be capitalized.
or the first earth pony winning the Best Young Flier’s competition on her own synthetic wings.
I don't think "Flier's" should have an apostrope, but I'm not entirely sure
“Pin her down, 8. We need to get contact!”
Only one space after period
“Yes sir!” came the reply.
should have only one space after the quotation
If P-21 was standing where they were,
"was" to "were"?
Don’t look… don’t look at the little bundle in the hands of the drone… at it waves its little hooves in the air at mommy.
"at" after ellipsis to "as", capitalize "mommy"?
“Enemy?” I murmured.
should have only one space after the quotation
If I hadn’t carried those chunks of Moonstone, I might have died then and there.
"Moonstone" shouldn't be capitalized
The mote swirled before her and the tapped the end of her muzzle.
"then tapped"
Many were in zebra, but others were written in Equestrian.
As a language, "zebra" should be capitalized
The appearance of the Zebra had a profound effect on the gagged Goldenblood.
"Zebra" should not be capitalized
If we’re lucky we’ll, all get to see him fry in Canterlot tomorrow.”
comma should be before "we'll," not after
She shocked by the question, then a little sickened.
"She was shocked"? "She shocked at the question, then sickened a little"?
“Are you... do you... seriously?” I nodded gently
should have second space after quotation
pretty messed up, but I was… even moreso.
"more so" (you haven't used "moreso" yet, but have "more so" several times)
“Yes…I don’t want to give this up.”
space needed after ellipsis
Feeling-- damn it, No! No no no!
Symmetrical spacing about dash? No capitalization of first "No"
No matter how hot his son had been laying atop me–
"lying"
Believe me, I am absolutely most emphatically neither a maiden nor princess Luna,
"princess" should be capitalized
gouged into his neck. The weeping
only one space after period
I don't have too much more to say about the chapter, except for thank you, you did a good job on it, and I hope that you find a permanent teaching job soon.
So I'll just leave with this:
- Spoiler:
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 17 Somber12](https://i.servimg.com/u/f55/17/64/26/08/somber12.png)
The track record hasn't been broken!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Admiral Stoic Rum Tue Feb 11, 2014 1:53 am
I honestly think Ministry of Magic would be sloppy if left in there Icy baby.
second, that ending was unexpected.
second, that ending was unexpected.
- Spoiler:
- although, I wonder what being kissed by discord would be now, also it does explain him being around her, she is after all a bearer of the true harmony song, the chaos spirits did do what they could to be disruptive, and it seems normal for him to have taken to BJ for that. also this accounts for Boo's immunity for enervation. a nice little surprise and all. with what blackjack has been able to put out for chaos, discord may have been able to recharge a little bit.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scienza Tue Feb 11, 2014 11:09 am
It was certainly surprising, but very welcome. If anything, the specific whereabouts of one of the factors in the endings after said factor's last interaction with Blackjack had been something that had been bothering me due to the factor's distinct lack of reappearance.O. Hinds wrote:
I'm also glad to hear that the reactions to the ending that aren't just "wat" are positive; Somber was worried about how it would be received.
It was wat, but a very enthusiastic and extremely excited wat.
Or a Harry Potter crossover is impending.Icy Shake wrote:Strictly speaking, Ministry of Magic was used as a sort of nickname, and Blackjack had heard it a couple times, so she could think it, even if it's not the most likely.Admiral Stoic Rum wrote:
- A Lore Error in Ch 64:
Its the Ministry of Arcane Science
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Tue Feb 11, 2014 12:21 pm
Aye, I thought of that, but I decided that it would be better to change it anyway.Icy Shake wrote:Strictly speaking, Ministry of Magic was used as a sort of nickname, and Blackjack had heard it a couple times, so she could think it, even if it's not the most likely.Admiral Stoic Rum wrote:
- A Lore Error in Ch 64:
Its the Ministry of Arcane Science
Ah, thank you.Icy Shake wrote:
- Chapter Sixty Four Running Thoughts:
"Well, you see, the expected distance travelled by a partical undergoing Brownian motion only scales with the square root of time, and the mean free path here is pretty short . . . " /Glory
“If it wasn’t for Boo, I would have been dead a dozen times over. She feeds me when I go down.”
A sort
of role-reversal, there.
“Bwackjack’s a powah hog,” Boo said from up ahead, looking back at us.
That's just not fair! It's going to suck when something worse than Blackjack going away happens to her.
“I’ve got a zebra soul inside me, so naturally I’ve got crazy tracking skills. They’re all natural trackers and survivalists and stuff. Funny that way.”
Convenient, that. 'Course, it probably helps that the soul is also that of a soldier who tended to do a bunch of tracking.
Rampage shoved her way to the far side of the office and looked back at me. “What makes you think that?” she asked skeptically.
“Well,” I balked. “Don’t they?”
Blackjack, still not putting things together.
I just stand there blissing out at how awesome the Core is. And it’s… it’s…” I struggled to say the word as Rampage waited impatiently. “Nice,” I finally admitted. “It’s comforting and soothing and… I don’t know. I like it.”
Even on pure broadcast? That's worrying. Granted, it could also be the case that the broadcaster is locked as a transceiver.
“Okay, fine! There’re a few I’ve picked out who get it on at rather predictable times.”
“You are so busted when I tell Glory,” Rampage teased.
Somehow, I think Glory will understand.
“Let’s just say Scotch Tape and I need to have a heart to heart about fillies, colts, and some of her tools.”
Okay, that one seems a little on the incest-ish side, but whatever.
“Fucking Celestia, if I start bawling, I’m throwing myself down the nearest elevator shaft and calling it a day. The only thing worse than pain is fucking self pity.”
Well, that just means that whenever you feel down, you can look at yourself and think of how much worse it would be to be Blackjack.
We went up, down, over and, across through rents and gaps in the floors, ceilings, and walls as much forward, backward, and sideways.
Wow. I didn't think the Brownian motion quip would be quite so close to an accurate description.
“Wait. Where is it?” I gave a mumbled reply, looking away. “Huh? What’s that?” I mumbled a bit louder. “Didn’t quite catch that.”
“I dropped it, okay?!” I yelled at her.
And that's how you integrate show dialog!
“Nothing’s in me, Rampage! Okay?”
. . .
“Well, maybe things change, Rampage. Maybe I’ve changed! Look at me. I’m more machine than mare now. Heck, I’m lucky I can still eat, sleep and… shit,”
Good to see the pregnancy's had an impact on her. It'll be interesting to observe how it changes combat, now she's not on the full speed ahead/dead stop state pair.
The silver wire was barely thicker than a hair, but it was all that was needed to pull me along.
Confirmed for starmetal.
In fact, my leg probably would have been torn right out of its socket.
Or, perhaps, the leg would have been severed.
Then I saw eyes on the far side of the gap. Some may have been pony eyes. Others might have been the eyes of radroaches or bloatsprites. Several could have been blind, sightless things or immense wet pustules. It was impossible to know. I just knew that scream; I’d heard it before and knew that it came from many, many mouths.
Chilling.
A beet red protrusion, vaguely, horribly phallic, began to push through.
Naturally.
Gibbering orifices, fanged and revoltingly yonic, opened and closed on the veined, maroon shaft. The end of it split open like a grotesque fanged flower, squirming tendrils within reaching for my flesh. Each one was tipped in a star-like maw as it reached for my midriff.
Is that what I think it is? If so, well, when it included the smell of iron earlier, I was vaguely thinking sandworm, but the timing of the introduction of the tatzelwurm to the Equestrian bestiary was great.
Terror burned so deeply in me that I barely acknowledged the sledgehammer blow as I squeezed myself through that mental tube… only to feel myself yanked back out it.
No shit. I get the impulse to try, but it just makes sense you couldn't teleport out of a starmetal cage.
The creature screamed in rage, agony, or both as brighter and brighter flashes went off inside its body, spikes of radiation accompanying each one.
Blackjack still isn't immune to radiation, right? And normal healing/regeneration talismans don't really work on radiation poisoning. Hopefully these aren't too big.
I regarded the pendant, the plastic on one edge blackened and warped, and then I carefully bit down and peeled off a strip of plastic. Within was the pale glitter of moonstone.
Yep. Though I didn't expect that contact was unnecessary. That does explain the need for Flux in particular as the buffer in the bullets for Folly, though.
“Don’t make that face at me Boo; you don’t want to get eye tentacle penis tumors. Trust me on this.” Okay, technically, that had been from Taint… but anything to get her to finish off the pouch.
The repeated radiation exposure probably didn't help, though.
Echo stood by, small and translucent, head hung in shame, a collar of thorns hung about his neck. But why should that… that shouldn’t mean anything to me… Six tiny Rarities goggled at each other, one normal and the other five with the palettes of her friends.
That's a good way of rendering it. Also, moonstone's a hell of a drug.
Well, the moonstone vision is beautiful, and a touching story in its own right.
“Well… You remember the drug ‘Moon Dust’? I once heard there might be a little tiny bit of actual moonstone in it. So you just took a Blackjack-sized dose of the stuff.”
Forgot about that.
You know, if just being on the moon while pregnant with Tarot seems to have possibly changed Blackjack's fate generations later, what will consuming moonstone do to Blackjack's?
Really? Earthquakes? What else was the Core going to throw at me? Hurricanes?
Well, sure, now it'll happen. That's how this works, you see.
Between every third and fourth door were pithy inspirational posters like ‘Equestria depends on you’ and ‘Don’t fail Princess Luna.’
Cool, O.I.A.
He asked for their itinerary… Withers Sugarcube Corner subsidiary. Hoofington Museum of Natural History. Hoofington Sports Arena. Flankfurt Sugarcube Corner operations office…
Ooh, some answers to the break-ins and attacks, maybe?
I can't believe I just got that Goldenblood studied and collected stones, and the connection to the O.I.A. liaisons!
The one paper I found that wasn’t concerned with protecting Luna’s image was about Rarity granting Goldenblood access to certain zebra artifacts at her hub. Keep this from Horse! was written across the top of it.
Well, ideally that would apply to everything, now, wouldn't it?
Since the attempted assassination on Applejack, war efficiency increased thirty-seven percent following the removal of six unqualified members of her family from their positions. I recommend a systematic purge of all Apple family members from critical positions through retirement incentives, legal action, or ‘misfortunes’.
Let's be honest, it's not hard to see that happening. Of course, some might really have been the best pony for the job; imagine if Applebloom were one.
“I think I can make more starmetal,” answered Horse with a grin.
Fuck. That can't be good.
“It increased its density? Did it convert the moonstone? How…” Trottenheimer trailed off, then looked at Horse on the far side.
I didn't think there'd be something more horrifying and morally crushing than soul-jarring, but I think this beats it out.
What’s this Horizons thing Goldie was working on? It’s been buried under so many layers of crap that I can’t find more than the basics.
This line, it's hilarious. Was that meta-humor on Project Horizons itself, and how it's never given more than the basics of what the project is?
“An inch,” Trottenheimer said quietly. “It is small and it is fragile, but it is the only thing worth having.”
“What the hell are you talking about, Doc?” Horse scowled, dropping his hoof. “I thought you were smart. You’re going to lose a whole lot more than an inch!
Of course Horse doesn't get it. I bet Goldenblood would, though.
No doubt I was showing up on their E.F.S.; if I was lucky, I’d be lost against the thousands of other red bars in range.
But mightn't she be a non-hostile at the moment? Granted, showing up as yellow might be even worse if most are red.
“I saw something. I know I did,” a pasty white unicorn mare with a spark grenade muttered. “A yellow bar. I’m sure of it.”
“Nothing here is yellow. That’s got to be Blackjack. She doesn’t want to kill anypony,”
It's happening again.
I didn’t know who I was saying that for. Her? Myself? I levitated the talisman away. The mare trembled, her flesh sloughing off her bones, then collapsed as her hide gave way in a wet slurry.
Did Blackjack just manage a mercy kill!?
I knew that Rampage…
…would be talking with Steel Rain, who was now in fancy, sparkling silver armor? I gaped at her and then at him. Their lips moved, but what were they talking about? He was smiling, his helmet casually on his back. She frowned, waving her hoof up and behind her. Steel Rain answered, and Rampage scowled at him, then gave a terse nod, turned, and walked away.
Weird. I know Rampage is miffed at Blackjack's delay, but there must be more going on here than a simple betrayal.
The effect was immediate but subtle, a faint changing of the halls from dim to a pale gold. The debris and garbage on the floor didn’t disappear so much as just fade from my attention. The illumination increased, the air turned warmer, and the silence was replaced by the babble of thousands.
So that's what was hiding the drains last chapter.
“Yeah. That made it around the network. EQD’s always highlighting her work,” her friend said as they passed by me.
Eugh.
“Find the way out, Boo,” I reiterated as slid in another five-round magazine. Spark mines wouldn’t do anything to her except ruin her mane.
Which is why you combine them with standard mines, obviously.
A golden swarm of shining motes rose around me as I turned slowly to face the unaugmented, separated, unimproved, imperfect ponies that dared attack me. They skidded to a halt before me, their eyes wide in shock and horror.
I think she needs to break out now, or she'll do something she'd regret.
Then the motes swirled around the pair. Combat armor, power armor, both were chewed away. Then skin, muscle, and bone.
Yeah. She's not controlling them, is she? I'm scared.
“Security saves…” did I? I wanted to, but maybe Dawn had been right. Augmentation and unity were salvation. I could imagine an augmented P-21. Scotch Tape. Glory. My… that half metal colt filled my vision. “No! No!” I screamed as I broke the connection again.
The golden motes became deformed black spheres with mouths filled with drills, pincers, and hooks.
Okay, close one.
These towers were so tall that their tips were lost in the endless storm above. The hole that had once swirled around Shadowbolt tower was now a deep well stretching far up into the sky. I couldn’t even see a hint of what was on the other side.
That's a pretty cool image.
Only the M.o.I. building was intact. More than intact, in fact; it was untouched by the strange alterations happening throughout the city. It perched on the very edge of the pit like a marble headstone.
Unsettling. Is it a soul jar, and if so, why?
“I might be the second biggest badass in the Wasteland, but there’s still something about Pinkie that creeps me out.”
Who does she think the first is? If Blackjack, then where does Big Daddy Reaper rank?
Even the five figurines and Rampage cried out in agony as Enervation’s shriek tore through me like a chainsaw.
My ctrl-f fu isn't giving a fast answer, and now I have to wonder who's missing. It's not Rainbow, Applejack, or Rarity. Though wait, when Blackjack was first on the moon dust, she saw all six. Huh.
“Takes one to know one,” a voice muttered sarcastically in my ear.
“YOU ARE UNLIKE THEY. YOU ARE LIKE HIM. HE THAT HEARD MY SONG. THAT HEEDED MY DREAM! YOU MUST COMPLETE HIS WORK! THEN ALL WILL BE UNITED INSIDE ME!”
“Oh yes. Sooo appealing...” that voice drawled sarcastically. “That’s enough of that.”
Echo? Blackjack herself?
The golden world was gone, but I could hear that voice, once more reduced to a whisper. “I CAN GIVE YOU ALL YOU DESIRE! FREE ME, LIBERATOR! GIVE ME LIFE! I WANT TO LIVE!”
The fading reminds me of "Daisy, Daisy . . . give me your answer do . . . ", but with less pathos.
“It’s a warehouse,” I said as I rose to my hooves, wishing I could wipe my eyes. The air between the towering stacks was filled with countless pale white wisps wandering through the air.
It's Image, so there must be some soul magic holding them there.
Whatever it had been, that voice hadn’t seemed like a poor, suffering soul. It’d been haughty and imperious, insulting and cold.
Was I seriously going to have to chose lesser evils?
Well, you've already started, with your role in the Society and the megaspell.
“Nawww... but is preddy though! An warm,” she said as she waved her hoof through the pale, glowing light. If Boo liked it, it couldn’t be bad.
In most cases, that's only a figure of speech. Here, I doubt it.
“Can you tell me if my baby’s okay? I was in that Enervation, and...” One of the motes swept into my belly, and I felt a warm glow and fluttering. “Okay... that’s odd...” I gasped. The mote reappeared out my back and bounced up and down in front of me. “That means yes?” More bobbing. I felt more relief than I had in ages from a simple floating light.
Simple, but a comforting contrast to the Eater's presence.
“What was that?” he whispered in my mind. The mote moved away from me, bobbed, moved away again, and bobbed once more.
Is it going to lead them to his body?
It was something we considered back before Megaspells. We named it ‘Project Starfall’.
Makes sense. Not sure why I thought that was Folly, though. Maybe it just had Trottenheimer's name attached somewhere along the line.
“I’m so scared, Rampage. I want to stop Cognitum. I have to. But… I’m going to have a baby! I don’t even know if I can carry it all the way. But I can feel… I know something’s different inside me. Something that’s not steel and wire.”
Probably not the entirety, but it's natural that this plays a role.
“What higher power did you piss the fuck off, Blackjack?” Rampage asked in soft exasperation.
It was tempting. So very tempting. I go. Let someone else be responsible for the world. EC-1101 had been my burden for so long. Through one to three deaths, depending on how you counted. I opened up the panel in my leg and looked at the PipBuck that’d complicated my life so damn much. I spotted Echo off to the side, nodding once. Finally, I put a foreleg over my eyes. I had to choose... stay and finish this, or go...
And I couldn’t go. “I’ll see this through,” I said softly. “End it.
Blackjack's really grown up a lot.
He must have had a moonstone hidden in those wrappings, or underneath that skull.
Or no soul, or some star-granted immunity.
“Haven’t you wondered, Blackjack? Such a helpless mare, all alone, desperate for your protection. Seeking to accompany you? Haven’t you wondered about her odd luck? The way she always survives while her enemies die in odd... often amusing, ways?”
Not the biggest surprise, but not quite what I was execting. Screwball, maybe? Or just some random chaos spirit?
The Legate pointed a hoof at the mare. “It’s time for you to die, Discord!”
Dun dun duuuun!
- Chapter Sixty Four Overall Thoughts:
The moonstone scene was gorgeous, and a nice story in its own right. Seeing so much life cut out, yet living on to heal and protect, and to wish to return home only to fine life's song muted and the scream of death finding a home in the hearts of the living was touching, and made the transmutation of moonstone to starmetal all the worse.
On the whole, I liked the augment-vision. It really did sell the appeal to Dawn, while maintaining a certain otherness that kept me creeped out even before the mechasprites did their thing. And I can hardly think of a better reason for Blackjack not to have gotten a message out. The one sore spot in this area, for me, was the EQD reference. On the plus side, the way it was affecting Blackjack had me very concerned that even though she'd surely break free of it at some point, she might have done something she'd never forgive herself for along the way. I was relieved to see that it seems that that bullet was dodged. From around the same time, I liked the yellow bar in EFS thing, and the joke from the Harbinger about it was icing.
I think that Blackjack was great in this chapter, her ambivalent struggle to determine what to do seeming a natural outgrowth from who she always was and the fact that she's been becoming ever less a pony, at least physically. Her pregnancy, in part as one last bit of physical normality, would be at the forefront of her mind, and the special place it has in her culture strenghthens that and is an interesting mirror image to 99's forgetfulness of the dead. I'd also say that Rampage's unusual sincerity felt dead-on.
The Eater himself is interesting, apparently at least somewhat powerless and disconnected from the rest of the city and the world, with Cognitum a mere shadow at most. The pride and desire to remake all in his image that still drives him--and the speech they lead to--work, but paint him as a character who, if he ever had cleverness or subtlety, lost them long ago.
It's interesting that Blackjack isn't the Maiden of Stars, or at least not the one the Legate was expecting. Kind of makes Lancer's whole deal seem all the more stupid and futile. But at least he learned something from it. As for the Legate himself, that will obviously show more in the next chapter. Also, making Boo/Discord his next major fight, possibly without the major involvement of Blackjack, could help to avoid some of the backlash from her battle with him way back when, so if that's the direction this is going, that could be a side benefit.
It was fun to see Boo get smarter and more directly effective, and her speech was just adorable. I did not see her being Discord, though. I was kind of expecting she was changed by him, but not that. I suppose, given his ability to move from place to place so readily, it wouldn't have been too great an effort to prep her, play rear guard, and then jump in. I guess she really wasn't a real pony, after all. Probably--can never be too certain with this story. Hopefully Discord won't go and take over the rest of the story like he tends to do in the episodes he features in.
The down side to everything, I think, is that it looks like we may not be up to a full cast again for a while. It's understandable, but the story does seem to suffer a bit when they're split up for too long; I don't think we're particularly close to that point yet, though.
But what was up with Rampage and Steel Rain?
- Chapter Sixty Four Editing:
Only one space after the periods
but I’m kind of lacking in the nerve ending department!” I said with a frown.
should have only one space after quotation
Any other direction. “So why’d you
Only one space after period.
We went up, down, over and, across through rents and gaps in the floors, ceilings, and walls as much forward, backward, and sideways.
Comma after "over", none after first "and", possibly one after "across". Maybe an "as" after "much".
I huffed. “First Rainbow Dash
Only one space after period.
Sparks flew as she dented and scraped my metal limb; the dents disappearing almost as soon as she made them.
semicolon to comma, or "disappearing" to "disappeared"
“Gem!” I called out.
Should have only one space after quotation.
started to squeeze through. The doors now bulged outwards
only one space after period
as if I was pulling the thing through to us.
"was" to "were"?
Had mom, or had she been so devoted to her duty that she’d worked through it?
"mom" should be capitalized
“I have to be strong and enduring and… and see this through.
needs closing quotation mark
“Well… You remember the drug ‘Moon Dust’?
should have second space after ellipsis or not capitalize "You"
I frowned and rubbed my temple, then remember that I had half an inch of steel covering it.
"remembered"
She whipped out a Sparkle Cola from her bags and hoofed it to me.
hyphen for "Sparkle-Cola"
I quickly downed half of it, then munched on some wintergreen-tasting sapphires to replenish my energy.
"Rubies were spicy, emeralds tasted like spearmint, sapphires like peppermint, amethysts were fruity, citrines tangy…"
in a whole damned city? “What is it,
three spaces after question mark
I said, wanting nothing more to be out of leaning skyscrapers if the earth was going to shake.
"nothing more than"?
“Maybe there’s a gun somewhere in this place.” I asked as we stepped out together into the hall.
quotation shouldn't end with period. "asked" implies quotation mark, but even if you do comma, there should only be one space after the quotation.
Though I get a mental glower from a white unicorn for thinking she’d be so gaudily obvious.
"get" to "got" or "did get"
Between every third and fourth door were pithy inspirational posters like ‘Equestria depends on you’ and ‘Don’t fail Princess Luna.’
period to outside of quotation marks?
I continued in the direction of the Pipbuck routing tag.
"PipBuck"
‘I know that there were sixty-four hundred orphaned ponies this year, G.
Should that open-quote be there?
Internally however, were messages
comma after "Internally"?
The first four that weren’t were tedious business affairs;
there should be a noun after "four"; as is, the sentence means "The first four [days] that weren't . . . "
On the worktable was a large scale and something that resembled a metal birdsnest.
"was" to "were"
I’m concerned about this Moonstone stuff.
"Moonstone" shouldn't be capitalized
Horse said the word casually, but from the smile frozen on his face and the sharp stare he gave the silent Trottenheimer, it was clear he fished for a reaction.
should that be "was fishing"?
“Wha… how… who…” Horse sputtered as Trottenheimer walked slowly out the door.
should this have only one space after the quotation?
The two latter were unicorns, and each had a spark grenade levitated and ready to go.
"latter two"?
Say again, Rain?” The stallion said in low, terse voices.
should have only one space after quotation and "The" shoudln't be capitalized.
or the first earth pony winning the Best Young Flier’s competition on her own synthetic wings.
I don't think "Flier's" should have an apostrope, but I'm not entirely sure
“Pin her down, 8. We need to get contact!”
Only one space after period
“Yes sir!” came the reply.
should have only one space after the quotation
If P-21 was standing where they were,
"was" to "were"?
Don’t look… don’t look at the little bundle in the hands of the drone… at it waves its little hooves in the air at mommy.
"at" after ellipsis to "as", capitalize "mommy"?
“Enemy?” I murmured.
should have only one space after the quotation
If I hadn’t carried those chunks of Moonstone, I might have died then and there.
"Moonstone" shouldn't be capitalized
The mote swirled before her and the tapped the end of her muzzle.
"then tapped"
Many were in zebra, but others were written in Equestrian.
As a language, "zebra" should be capitalized
The appearance of the Zebra had a profound effect on the gagged Goldenblood.
"Zebra" should not be capitalized
If we’re lucky we’ll, all get to see him fry in Canterlot tomorrow.”
comma should be before "we'll," not after
She shocked by the question, then a little sickened.
"She was shocked"? "She shocked at the question, then sickened a little"?
“Are you... do you... seriously?” I nodded gently
should have second space after quotation
pretty messed up, but I was… even moreso.
"more so" (you haven't used "moreso" yet, but have "more so" several times)
“Yes…I don’t want to give this up.”
space needed after ellipsis
Feeling-- damn it, No! No no no!
Symmetrical spacing about dash? No capitalization of first "No"
No matter how hot his son had been laying atop me–
"lying"
Believe me, I am absolutely most emphatically neither a maiden nor princess Luna,
"princess" should be capitalized
gouged into his neck. The weeping
only one space after period
Neither PH nor FoE have used it before, and the transcript on the wiki is inconsistent… Eh, sure, I'll remove the apostrophe.Icy Shake wrote:I don't think "Flier's" should have an apostrope, but I'm not entirely sure
:)Icy Shake wrote:"Well, you see, the expected distance travelled by a partical undergoing Brownian motion only scales with the square root of time, and the mean free path here is pretty short . . . " /Glory
My personal hypothesis is that the effect requires a feedback loop.Icy Shake wrote:Even on pure broadcast? That's worrying. Granted, it could also be the case that the broadcaster is locked as a transceiver.
Don't worry; I'd forgotten that too. We see in Goldenblood's house, though, that moonstone and starmetal do react over air gaps, just not as strongly as they do with direct contact.Icy Shake wrote:Though I didn't expect that contact was unnecessary.
Well, sure, but they couldn't really show Horse an empty warehouse and claim "Here's the OIA! We've done absolutely nothing!".Icy Shake wrote:Well, ideally that would apply to everything, now, wouldn't it?
I've actually written part of a little recursive-fanfic-scene-thing with Apple Pancake on that idea (don't know when or if I'll finish it, though).Icy Shake wrote:Let's be honest, it's not hard to see that happening. Of course, some might really have been the best pony for the job; imagine if Applebloom were one.
Note, however, that Onyx doesn't speak of removing incompetent Apples; she speaks of removing Apples in critical positions. The difference is subtle but, I believe, important.
:DIcy Shake wrote:I don't have too much more to say about the chapter, except for thank you, you did a good job on it, and I hope that you find a permanent teaching job soon.
So I'll just leave with this:
- Spoiler:
The track record hasn't been broken!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Retl Tue Feb 11, 2014 11:34 pm
I had so much silly fun this chapter. <3 Had a good time most of the time!
I might go into more detail later. But really, I'm just pleased as punch with the current team and their antics.
I might go into more detail later. But really, I'm just pleased as punch with the current team and their antics.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by WavemasterRyx Wed Feb 12, 2014 3:39 am
Well... I was feeling okay enough to set out a block of time to seal myself away and read quietly finally.
It was a really great chapter, Somber, with some definitely intense parts. I wanted to just cry uncontrollably when it was over, but my eyes were only a little teared up... I'm not sure if it's because of everything that happened in the chapter though, or because things just keep going badly for you, sir...
I really hope you'll be able to get a job soon... and even more that you'll be able to make it to Bronycon... (I wish I could go there to meet you, but even if I had the money, travel and I don't get along...)
I'll try my best to get the full commentary done as soon as I can, as always. It might take a while, but please rest assured that I think you did a good job, sir, and I have every confidence that the next chapter will be good too.
*hugs Somber very gently*
It was a really great chapter, Somber, with some definitely intense parts. I wanted to just cry uncontrollably when it was over, but my eyes were only a little teared up... I'm not sure if it's because of everything that happened in the chapter though, or because things just keep going badly for you, sir...
I really hope you'll be able to get a job soon... and even more that you'll be able to make it to Bronycon... (I wish I could go there to meet you, but even if I had the money, travel and I don't get along...)
- Initial thoughts:
- There is some pretty traumatic stuff in this chapter, yes, but I think the whole thing was very fantastically done.
Aside from Boo being unquestionably adorable, my favorite parts of the chapter were probably Blackjack's massive hallucination after eating the Moonstone, and the "golden" version of the Core. It was incredible, really.
I'll try my best to get the full commentary done as soon as I can, as always. It might take a while, but please rest assured that I think you did a good job, sir, and I have every confidence that the next chapter will be good too.
*hugs Somber very gently*
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Train Dodger Wed Feb 12, 2014 10:18 am
Icy Shake wrote:
- The Million-Dollar Question:
I think we already know, to some extent:
- Chapter 61:
- During their fight on Thunderhead, Dawn said something about one of Blackjack's friends betraying her:But I could see her grin. “But I know more of what you’re thinking. Why won’t your friends wake? How could I have drugged them all in their sleep?” I hated to admit, those were some very pressing, and distracting, questions. “Well, you see, Blackjack, I had help.” Who? How? She rammed forward, her enmeshed wings smashing me to the bookcases. The razor-sharp pinions rammed into the wall inches from my shoulders as she pressed her face into mine. “One of your friends has betrayed you.”
She was fucking with me. That was the only explanation. It had to be the only explanation. When… how… why would any of my friends work with this monster? I pressed Vigilance into her temple, but before I could fire she ducked her head and wrapped her wire tail around the barrel, yanking it away and tossing it behind her. Around came the sword in an awkward, desperate stroke. Her wing pulled back and blocked it with almost casual ease. Green sparks flashed where one impossibly sharp edge met another.
I think we know who it is, now. Rampage seemed pretty guilty when she found out Blackjack was pregnant. But the question remains; why? Did Dawn offer to find a way to kill Rampage permanently?
It's kind of funny. You've got two ponies. One wants desperately to live, and to preserve the life of the foal growing inside her. The other wants desperately to die, and would even be willing to betray a friend to do it. There's a real Yin-Yang dynamic, there, set against the horrifying backdrop of the Core.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Silver136 Wed Feb 12, 2014 10:28 am
Train Dodger wrote:Icy Shake wrote:
- The Million-Dollar Question:
I think we already know, to some extent:
- Chapter 61:
She was fucking with me. That was the only explanation. It had to be the only explanation. When… how… why would any of my friends work with this monster? I pressed Vigilance into her temple, but before I could fire she ducked her head and wrapped her wire tail around the barrel, yanking it away and tossing it behind her. Around came the sword in an awkward, desperate stroke. Her wing pulled back and blocked it with almost casual ease. Green sparks flashed where one impossibly sharp edge met another.
I think we know who it is, now. Rampage seemed pretty guilty when she found out Blackjack was pregnant. But the question remains; why? Did Dawn offer to find a way to kill Rampage permanently?
It's kind of funny. You've got two ponies. One wants desperately to live, and to preserve the life of the foal growing inside her. The other wants desperately to die, and would even be willing to betray a friend to do it. There's a real Yin-Yang dynamic, there, set against the horrifying backdrop of the Core.
- But does that mean...:
- Somber said we'd see Folly again at some point didn't he? What if Dawn has Folly and promised to use it on Rampage?
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