[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Ah, right... Well just add it to the long list of things I'm entirely wrong about.O. Hinds wrote:Not necessarily, unfortunately. It's possible that Razorblade was from outside the Hoof.
WavemasterRyx- Hydra
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Okay, okay, I finally caught up and I've got all these things to say about 62b and-
I'll just get to it later, then.
Does anybody know how long it would take for a pregnancy to start getting seriously dangerous if your uterus can't expand due to Robo-Gut? Seeing as we are now three months in...
O. Hinds wrote:
And 63 is out! There's a lot of good stuff in this one. :D
I'll just get to it later, then.
- Reading Reaction to the New Chapter:
- The one power-armored soldier who didn’t found himself scooped up, moved deftly aside, and set down in one elegant pirouette that didn’t even break Stronghoof’s stride
i <3 Stronghoof
Whaaaaaaa a timeskip
He sniffed and nodded. “Yes. Yes, that would be... best.”
Oh. Psalm. Poor Strong.
Splendid's catty, self-aware observations make me smile.
And taking revelations in stride, too. It's not awesome to know you aren't as splendid as you thought. I'm starting to like him.
And everywhere was the glint of silver wire.
This is important I feel like this is important
The chapel segment was excellent
Its air was like a held breath and filled with an ineffable weight
Guuuuh I like that simile
Quiet plans, stiff drinks. Beautiful, calming, loathing
Friggin zebras, man! Squealed when Sekashi, lost it when Majina
Anyzebra, everybirdy, somebuggy, gentlemutts... sure, why not?
Pokey.
...Pokey.
Even the massive airship, wedged vertically between two skyscrapers with its nose suspended mere feet from the cracked asphalt, seemed as if it'd plunged here centuries rather than months ago. The slow trickle of red dripping from its ports and breaches was the only evidence to the contrary.
Paraphrasing what I said out loud: "BWAHA! HAHAHA-oh, Jesus."
cyberpony survivors,
Oh, good.
Glory being an actual scientist was good too. Often, the smart ones don't have a proper chance to show off the process of being smart.
I just think it's really neat that Steel Rain is such a clear bad guy, one of the more unredeemable pricks in the story, but still he refuses augmentation. Stereotypical baddies don't give a damn and make all sorts of literal corruption to go with the metaphorical. But Steel Rain is just a dude with a sharp wit and some big guns. Unlike every other villain, he has remained a constant and substantial threat to Blackjack while just being him. No cybernetics, no mutations, not even unrealistic levels of schemery. He's still as crunchy as every wastelander (which has been shown more and more) but he's smart enough to put on the best armour available when he needs to.
More like Percepti-rock-on. Hell yeah.
I think this is the first Horizons chapter I've ever read that felt like it was 'suddenly' over. I am salivating for more at this point.
After-the-Fact Thoughts:
While I was reading, every faction peek had me telling myself, "This will be my favourite part. No, THIS will be my favourite part! No, this!" In the end, despite Majina's excellent performance, the prize for best peek goes to the Pegasus Pity Party. It was so wonderfully somber (hurr) and engaging, and I've got a weakness for small dark rooms filled with mutual regret and fledgling acceptance.
I'm also surprised to learn that Cogs has an actual body- maybe. Maybe has an actual body. Another retroactive thought: with a time-skip, we now have a fully functioning Boo. Blackjack may not be the best teacher, but she should be able to teach her a lot in three months.
Does anybody know how long it would take for a pregnancy to start getting seriously dangerous if your uterus can't expand due to Robo-Gut? Seeing as we are now three months in...
Last edited by Meleagridis on Tue Jan 14, 2014 6:58 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Well in humans pregnancy lasts about nine(?) months.(It's been a while, so don't hold me to that.)Meleagridis wrote:Okay, okay, I finally caught up and I've got all these things to say about 62b and-O. Hinds wrote:
And 63 is out! There's a lot of good stuff in this one. :D
I'll just get to it later, then.
- Reading Reaction to the New Chapter:
The one power-armored soldier who didn’t found himself scooped up, moved deftly aside, and set down in one elegant pirouette that didn’t even break Stronghoof’s stride
i <3 Stronghoof
Whaaaaaaa a timeskip
He sniffed and nodded. “Yes. Yes, that would be... best.”
Oh. Psalm. Poor Strong.
Splendid's catty, self-aware observations make me smile.
And taking revelations in stride, too. It's not awesome to know you aren't as splendid as you thought. I'm starting to like him.
And everywhere was the glint of silver wire.
This is important I feel like this is important
The chapel segment was excellent
Its air was like a held breath and filled with an ineffable weight
Guuuuh I like that simile
Quiet plans, stiff drinks. Beautiful, calming, loathing
Friggin zebras, man! Squealed when Sekashi, lost it when Majina
Anyzebra, everybirdy, somebuggy, gentlemutts... sure, why not?
Pokey.
...Pokey.
Even the massive airship, wedged vertically between two skyscrapers with its nose suspended mere feet from the cracked asphalt, seemed as if it'd plunged here centuries rather than months ago. The slow trickle of red dripping from its ports and breaches was the only evidence to the contrary.
Paraphrasing what I said out loud: "BWAHA! HAHAHA-oh, Jesus."
cyberpony survivors,
Oh, good.
Glory being an actual scientist was good too. Often, the smart ones don't have a proper chance to show off the process of being smart.
I just think it's really neat that Steel Rain is such a clear bad guy, one of the more unredeemable pricks in the story, but still he refuses augmentation. Stereotypical baddies don't give a damn and make all sorts of literal corruption to go with the metaphorical. But Steel Rain is just a dude with a sharp wit and some big guns. Unlike every other villain, he has remained a constant and substantial threat to Blackjack while just being him. No cybernetics, no mutations, not even unrealistic levels of schemery. He's still as crunchy as every wastelander (which has been shown more and more) but he's smart enough to put on the best armour available when he needs to.
More like Percepti-rock-on. Hell yeah.
I think this is the first Horizons chapter I've ever read that felt like it was 'suddenly' over. I am salivating for more at this point.
After-the-Fact Thoughts:
While I was reading, every faction peek had me telling myself, "This will be my favourite part. No, THIS will be my favourite part! No, this!" In the end, despite Majina's excellent performance, the prize for best peek goes to the Pegasus Pity Party. It was so wonderfully somber (hurr) and engaging, and I've got a weakness for small dark rooms filled with mutual regret and fledgling acceptance.
I'm also surprised to learn that Cogs has an actual body- maybe. Maybe has an actual body. Another retroactive thought: with a time-skip, we now have a fully functioning Boo. Blackjack may not be the best teacher, but she should be able to teach her a lot in three months.
Does anybody know how long it would take for a pregnancy to start getting seriously dangerous if your uterus can't expand to to Robo-Gut? Seeing as we are now three months in...
As for cartoon ponies in a post-apocalypse world, goddesses only know...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Time for some fan theorising.
- Spoiler:
- I admit that I am pretty blown away by Cognitum having a body, if she actually does and that isn't another person she partially control. I'd like to think it might be Goldenblood, but he was in Canterlot allegedly during the Last Day so it might not be him. Another guess is that it might be Sweetie Bot, since they're both machines, and maybe she acts as the Yes Man for Cognitum. As for Mr. Horse, who may have played a part in Cognitum's creation with his Crusader Mainframe wannabe, maybe he himself is Cognitum and implanted his mind into the Tokomare, while his body is stuck like Mr. House in a life support pod in the Robronco HQ since that's the next marker on the EC-1011 wild goose chase.
Last edited by Evilgidgit on Tue Jan 14, 2014 7:26 pm; edited 1 time in total
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Well, I've been wrong about everything so far, so I guess I might as well check about this too while I'm at it.
- Spoiler:
- I know Steel Rangers are supposed to be earth ponies, for the most part, which a few exception like Stronghoof. I can't remember though, was Steel Rain a unicorn as well?
If not, there's the instance in his scene with Dawn at the end that will need to be changed."It wouldn’t take more than a dozen of us wearing these,” he said as he levitated the talisman around his neck, “to find something."
If he is, then I'm sorry in advance for wasting your time.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Sorry.WavemasterRyx wrote:Ah, right... Well just add it to the long list of things I'm entirely wrong about.O. Hinds wrote:Not necessarily, unfortunately. It's possible that Razorblade was from outside the Hoof.
Whoops! Sigh. And we gave him wings and changed his color in this chapter originally, too. He seems to be a bit difficult to keep track of.WavemasterRyx wrote:Well, I've been wrong about everything so far, so I guess I might as well check about this too while I'm at it.
- Spoiler:
I know Steel Rangers are supposed to be earth ponies, for the most part, which a few exception like Stronghoof. I can't remember though, was Steel Rain a unicorn as well?
If not, there's the instance in his scene with Dawn at the end that will need to be changed."It wouldn’t take more than a dozen of us wearing these,” he said as he levitated the talisman around his neck, “to find something."
If he is, then I'm sorry in advance for wasting your time.
Anyway, thanks, and please don't be so down on yourself. :)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Earth ponies can secretly do levitation. They just don't bother with it because, to earth ponies, literally everything tastes delicious.
Guest- Guest
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Relevant to the most recent author's note, has Somber considered using patreon.com? A friend of mine who does a webcomic started using that lately, and seemed pleased with it.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Ah, thank you.O. Hinds wrote:The zebras that the Remnant are using as slave labor.Icy Shake wrote:Wait . . . who or what are from Glyphmark? Not the Atoli, right? The sharks or squid?
Or is it the zebra of Glyphmark that the Atoli hunt with harpoons?She started with 9, IIRC.Icy Shake wrote:What was Blackjack's natural luck, again? Because she's damn lucky herself. I figure it couldn't have been above 9, unless the bonus luck from the set didn't make a difference. Or maybe she (or Boo) breaks the scale and is beyond heroic or legendary or whatever 10 was.
I suppose there's nothing else Morningstar would rather be. :)O. Hinds wrote:This came up in the editing chat, actually. Dr. Morningstar's gender is "Morningstar". :)Icy Shake wrote:Well, I was going to say something about the pronouns, but I guess the doctor's changed in mind as well.
I—I never said it wasn't! Stop distorting my words!O. Hinds wrote:…But the volume split is between 62 and 63.Icy Shake wrote:Depending on how this goes, could make me wonder why the volume split wasn't between 62 and 63.
- That's what could have happened. But how about this?:
- Uh, look! It's the Goodyear blimp! *disappears in cloud of smoke* (How is there not a Trixie emoticon?)
- But here's what really happened!:
- . . . You win this round.
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62b and Some Dusty Quotes
In chapter 62b, Blackjack gets a new Party Member Temp by the name of Flame Pinion. He asks BJ for help in clearing out the wind tunnel in the tower. A little bit later, she asks him to cover her as she rockets off into the sky. In the process, she drains her power reserves, mechanical and magical, to their breaking point and almost falls out of the sky. The next we hear of Flame Pinion is in a list of names of who could possibly be rescuing Blackjack when she's on top of the tower.
So... what happened to Flame Pinion? Why did Blackjack have to haul herself those precious last few feet if she supposedly had one of Twister's lackeys present? I didn't really expect him to make it- he screamed Red Shirt. But I expected a line about him getting blasted from the sky, maybe even that he stays behind or just never emerges from a cloud. Instead, he just kind of fades into the ether.
Only conclusion?
Flame Pinion. Black Pony Mountain.
You do the math.
It... might help to have the 'general other' split up based on faction, appearance, race, or something.
But seriously, I like that guy and he has one of my favourite quotes. I hope that the last time we see Goldenblood (assuming he isn't only mostly dead) is a conversation with Trottenheimer.
It's a given that he fights Dawn, I think. I mean, why else would she be in that pod in 63? Because he's made a deal with the devil with Steel Rain.
You realise there is now 3 months of roach questing to fill in, right?
I have nothing to say, I just love the pun.
I feel indignant that this made me feel indignant.
So... what happened to Flame Pinion? Why did Blackjack have to haul herself those precious last few feet if she supposedly had one of Twister's lackeys present? I didn't really expect him to make it- he screamed Red Shirt. But I expected a line about him getting blasted from the sky, maybe even that he stays behind or just never emerges from a cloud. Instead, he just kind of fades into the ether.
Only conclusion?
Flame Pinion. Black Pony Mountain.
You do the math.
- personal tangent about the lighthooves fight:
- A week later I realise a big dissonance (for me) in the Lighthooves fight. When she balls up the snow and Legerdemain laughs. A real laugh, not a twisted villain laugh. Real person brought up through the megalomania by innocent levity. It may just be me, but I’ve always thought of genuine laughter as being some kind of powerful, some other kind altogether in a way that can’t ever be meaningless. Not in fiction, anyways, where the little things matter. It was clear Lighthooves knew what he was doing was wrong, that he would probably stop himself if he were not him. The fact that he has this epiphany in humour (or, rather, what I saw as a cracking of the damn- I think this might just be me) and still continues his twisted plan was more heartwrenching to me than BJ’s temporary madness after the operation.
But then he’s just dead. After that brief moment of openness and heavy emotion, his persistence and Blackjack’s decision seemed so much colder, less important, and a little less believable. He doesn’t change his tune, he just keeps going the same way.
I may just be reading too much into a moment of connection that wasn’t actually there. But that’s what I saw.
I can't leave comments. Doof's CM was a fork and knife, coat was grey.Icy Shake wrote: Comments are enabled on the document, should anyone want to suggest corrections or additions, but I want to keep versions consistent,so to see within cells you'd have to download the file(turns out that only applies to nonnative files hosted on drive) so direct editing isn't.
It... might help to have the 'general other' split up based on faction, appearance, race, or something.
Trottenheimer /cracktheoriesswicked wrote:By the way, on a completely separate note, it occurred to me earlier that all of BJ's weapons have names other than her startmetal sword (if it ever comes back, I mean).
I thought a good name for it would be Key since she uses it to open containers or doors about as often as she uses it to open people.
Thoughts, anyone?
But seriously, I like that guy and he has one of my favourite quotes. I hope that the last time we see Goldenblood (assuming he isn't only mostly dead) is a conversation with Trottenheimer.
Glad I'm not the only one interested in epic post-nuclear magical cockroach quests.Exodus Hero wrote:So I made a short story about the starmetal sword after my thirteen hour shift. I'm pretty sleep deprived when I wrote it so maybe posting it isn't the greatest idea but I don't care. Hope you guys enjoy it.
- Spoiler:
Radroach Champion or The Starmetal Sword Chronicles Part I of ???
It's a given that he fights Dawn, I think. I mean, why else would she be in that pod in 63? Because he's made a deal with the devil with Steel Rain.
You realise there is now 3 months of roach questing to fill in, right?
SilentCarto wrote:Okay, just saying -- do not blow that thing up before Glory gets a chance. Or at least shove a wing or two in your saddlebags. Then you can ask her to marry you and give her an engagement wing!
I have nothing to say, I just love the pun.
Last wrote:Just got through 61 (I'm the slowest reader ever)
I feel indignant that this made me feel indignant.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Late coming in to this, I've been far too busy for any stuff. As always, most of my commentary is about tone and feeeeeeelings.
- Spoiler:
I thought this was a great chapter and just shows how many unique characters Somber has created. I LOVE the idea of throwing a time-skip in since it frees up anything regarding parallels to the original story's timeline, adds more motivation and growth for the other characters, etc. I'm also very dumb this time around as I didn't quite get that were were looking through the Perciptron until the end and was looking for tie-in clues to what was going on throughout, like the explicit mention of Pipbucks in every scene. You'd think I'd catch on to that (AND THE FREAKIN TITLE) but nope, even though I knew it would end with a Blackjack scene.
This also allows for, like we've seen, the aftereffects of everything post-SPP. I find it amusing how everyone is annoyed by the rain, which is a very natural reaction to have for something months after the world is supposedly saved. There's a very real sense of "okay, now what happens?" as everyone moves on.
Only going to go in depth to a few of the events but all were very cool.
Even though you could say nothing much in the scene really happened, my favorite snippet is with the Enclave remnants and RD. Poor drunk Storm Chaser and loyal Twister... I mean, I don't know what you'd expect your reaction to be when you spend your life fighting for this entity and all of a sudden it's gone, leaving you with giant broken down technological marvels, but here it is... and then Rainbow Dash is here and the fervent, bitter animosity just wanes, because what's left to fight for, now? A very good scene overall and the nice little toast at the end was very cinematic.
The Glory section I think ran a little long but that was probably the most in depth investigation of arcanoscience I can think of, which is pretty badass how you were able to come up with all that. I'm also not sure if it was intentional or not, but I was really expecting at least one of Glory's motivations for finding Blackjack to be "because I love her." Maybe her down-to-the-books superanalytical though process is just her personality (as we seen with her inability to get jokes), or way of coping but it definitely stood out.
Overall this was a very refreshing change and opens a lot of doors for new, original content not confined to time restraints of Vanilla FoE so I'm really really looking forward to what happens next!
If I had one thing that stood out to criticize (other than it took a second to remember who a few of the secondary characters we haven't seen in a while were - especially Morningstar with killingjoke genderswap), it would be the very first sentence. I like the sense of suspense over Blackjack's fate throughout this chapter but the one use of the first person in the first line sort of gives it away. It also being the only overt use of first person dialog this chapter makes the following next few paragraphs a little odd since the reader doesn't immediately know what's going on behind the scenes at the onset. We know at the end that Blackjack is viewing all this through the gizmo, and you'd know she'd comment on a difference in her former home, but I think rewording this to give room for ambiguity would be much more interesting.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
I'm helping.
Chapter 62b: "She tilted her head, scratched at ear with her hoof"
63: "Remains of the ponies who’d once lived here were strewn everywhere. If the water could not dissolve it or sweep it away, it persisted. Sodden clothes lay strewn everywhere, like"
Not an error I guess, but strewn everywhere was strewn everywhere like an everywhere strewn everywhere.
Chapter 62b: "She tilted her head, scratched at ear with her hoof"
63: "Remains of the ponies who’d once lived here were strewn everywhere. If the water could not dissolve it or sweep it away, it persisted. Sodden clothes lay strewn everywhere, like"
Not an error I guess, but strewn everywhere was strewn everywhere like an everywhere strewn everywhere.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
It cemented the connection between Cognitum and the enervation/starmetal, since the two were both linked by the Core, but not directly connected. It also introduced a new facet to the rings. Before they were an object, inorganic with physical properties. They way they're interacting in Sky Striker is like a virus, spreading from host to host and attacking his cells directly. Dawn already contracted them and her battle with Striker infected him. This combined with how the Core built itself and grew almost like a fungal colony puts the Core in a very interesting and organic light.Moodyman90 wrote:I can't say much other than I enjoyed the new chapter, but there is one thing I now question and simply would like an answer for.
- Spoiler:
What is the reasoning and point to Sky Striker having those rings in his bloodstream to prevent him from healing? I mentioned that to some others when I was reading and they kept harping on that, stating that it serves no point other than even more drama which shouldn't be nessasary. And, and this is a quote "Why can't Glory just study Enervation just to find a way to get rid of it, or to find a safe way to look for Blackjack? Why does her dad have to be in danger of it as well because he has stuff in his blood?"
Don't mean to cause a ruckus, don't want to start any debates, I just want an answer as to why that has to be a thing by one of the brushing team if not from Somber himself, I'll pass that along and be done with it. I was okay with it until I kept getting asked why when I couldn't provide an answer.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Ah, thank you.Meleagridis wrote:I'm helping.
Chapter 62b: "She tilted her head, scratched at ear with her hoof"
63: "Remains of the ponies who’d once lived here were strewn everywhere. If the water could not dissolve it or sweep it away, it persisted. Sodden clothes lay strewn everywhere, like"
Not an error I guess, but strewn everywhere was strewn everywhere like an everywhere strewn everywhere.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Question:
Exchange of fluids transfers the raider virus, yeah?
What if there's a swapping of mouth weapons? Could an earth pony get infected by using raider weaponry?
Exchange of fluids transfers the raider virus, yeah?
What if there's a swapping of mouth weapons? Could an earth pony get infected by using raider weaponry?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Hm. Interesting idea. I'd lean towards "no", though, as I seem to recall that saliva isn't one... Hm... Though, considering the general health of raiders, if they had bleeding wounds in their mouths... Oh, that would be unpleasant.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Thing is, EPs already have a bit of protection about their mouths, either from some impressive immune function or simply the fact that it's not what we should be focusing on in a drama. But with a thing like raiderism, it becomes less worldbuilding and more... something can go terribly wrong, if that makes sense. The unicorns from Shadowbolt Tower probably won't care, and the pegasi can't contract that strain. The steel rangers won't be using them. But what if they sell some stock to caravaneers? Or, perhaps worse, there's a unicorn too young to properly heft things but old enough to want to smash a radroach in maintenance? He grabs an old crowbar in his mouth...
Then again, if blood is the primary mode of transport, it wouldn't much matter if they were cleaned properly. I guess this is more relevant to recently used weapons.
Then again, if blood is the primary mode of transport, it wouldn't much matter if they were cleaned properly. I guess this is more relevant to recently used weapons.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Scenery Porn count: 7
I'm really sorry Somber, but for some reason when I read the chapter I only got to the end of the first scene with Pslam before I stopped thinking of things to
Don't know why that happened, but as everyone else has said this was an excellent chapter, though I was hoping for a scene with Psychoshy and Stygius. I really miss
I'm really sorry Somber, but for some reason when I read the chapter I only got to the end of the first scene with Pslam before I stopped thinking of things to
Don't know why that happened, but as everyone else has said this was an excellent chapter, though I was hoping for a scene with Psychoshy and Stygius. I really miss
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
...Did you mean to not finish those sentences?Derpmind wrote:Scenery Porn count: 7
I'm really sorry Somber, but for some reason when I read the chapter I only got to the end of the first scene with Pslam before I stopped thinking of things to
Don't know why that happened, but as everyone else has said this was an excellent chapter, though I was hoping for a scene with Psychoshy and Stygius. I really miss
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Regarding a Whisper/Stygius scene, well, I'm not sure how they'd have gotten a PipBuck for Blackjack to use the Perceptitron with (IIRC, Whisper didn't take hers). However, if you're okay if probable noncanonicity, perhaps swicked you be happy to provide you with some Psychoshy. :)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Okay, I haven't read any other responses yet, but:
Somber, this was an excellent chapter. All my yes.
The one funny comment I had was:
I have a few editing comments. Some of these are a bit less mechanical and more in terms of actual word choices and stuff.
Somber, this was an excellent chapter. All my yes.
The one funny comment I had was:
- Spoiler:
- Always always always Blackjack!
All I could think was "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!"
I have a few editing comments. Some of these are a bit less mechanical and more in terms of actual word choices and stuff.
- Spoiler:
- The halls of Stable 99 smelled differently than I remembered
I'm pretty sure it should be "different" rather than "differently", but I can't swear to it.
But more to the point, I really feel you should remove the personal pronoun here. The rest of the chapter gives no hint that Blackjack is viewing all this, leaving it as a surprise at the end (apart from the title being a bit of a giveaway) so I think this should be removed. Make it impersonal -- "the halls smelled different than they used to".
Even the 'recycling' wasn’t that severe an adaptation, as they’d mostly adopted 99’s mantra regarding food.
The mantra being "don't think about it"? It's been long enough that it probably bears repeating; on my first reading I thought the word mantra was being misused for "philosophy".
two hundred rounds of ammo should take care of any nasty surprises
I'd suggest "annoying surprises", which seems to fit better with the sense of competence and extreme firepower the rest of the paragraph gives.
Good King Security
Surely it would be Queen?
Nothing founded on a lie can last forever.
I think this line has more impact if you drop the last word. "Nothing founded on a lie can last."
"Speaking of the Core, did you two know that that city is an impossibility?" she pointed with her wing.
"Impossible how?" Twister asked.
"Yup. Twilight and Applejack noticed it..."
That 'yup' seems misplaced. If the question was just "Impossible?" then "yes" is a valid answer, but it doesn't work here.
The Wasteland was a cool monster, patient, accepting an escape today with the easy knowledge that tomorrow, or someday, it would claim you.
Cool seems like an odd word choice here. I'm not sure what would be better, but something like "lazy" might be.
"Why, you are not laughing? Do you not find it funny?"
The why confused me here because the sentence is so close to "Why are you not laughing?" I'd suggest either making it that, or changing the why to some other interjection and making it a statement of fact rather than a question -- "Ah, you are not laughing. Do you not find it funny?"
"Why aren’t these constant? See? Here? And Here? And here?"
That second here should be lower-case.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Ah, thank you, though I'm afraid that I decided not to put in most of the changes you suggested.FeatherDust wrote:Okay, I haven't read any other responses yet, but:
Somber, this was an excellent chapter. All my yes.
The one funny comment I had was:
- Spoiler:
Always always always Blackjack!
All I could think was "Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!"
I have a few editing comments. Some of these are a bit less mechanical and more in terms of actual word choices and stuff.
- Spoiler:
The halls of Stable 99 smelled differently than I remembered
I'm pretty sure it should be "different" rather than "differently", but I can't swear to it.
But more to the point, I really feel you should remove the personal pronoun here. The rest of the chapter gives no hint that Blackjack is viewing all this, leaving it as a surprise at the end (apart from the title being a bit of a giveaway) so I think this should be removed. Make it impersonal -- "the halls smelled different than they used to".
Even the 'recycling' wasn’t that severe an adaptation, as they’d mostly adopted 99’s mantra regarding food.
The mantra being "don't think about it"? It's been long enough that it probably bears repeating; on my first reading I thought the word mantra was being misused for "philosophy".
two hundred rounds of ammo should take care of any nasty surprises
I'd suggest "annoying surprises", which seems to fit better with the sense of competence and extreme firepower the rest of the paragraph gives.
Good King Security
Surely it would be Queen?
Nothing founded on a lie can last forever.
I think this line has more impact if you drop the last word. "Nothing founded on a lie can last."
"Speaking of the Core, did you two know that that city is an impossibility?" she pointed with her wing.
"Impossible how?" Twister asked.
"Yup. Twilight and Applejack noticed it..."
That 'yup' seems misplaced. If the question was just "Impossible?" then "yes" is a valid answer, but it doesn't work here.
The Wasteland was a cool monster, patient, accepting an escape today with the easy knowledge that tomorrow, or someday, it would claim you.
Cool seems like an odd word choice here. I'm not sure what would be better, but something like "lazy" might be.
"Why, you are not laughing? Do you not find it funny?"
The why confused me here because the sentence is so close to "Why are you not laughing?" I'd suggest either making it that, or changing the why to some other interjection and making it a statement of fact rather than a question -- "Ah, you are not laughing. Do you not find it funny?"
"Why aren’t these constant? See? Here? And Here? And here?"
That second here should be lower-case.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
- Chapter 63 Edits:
Two faces.“I can attest to the last,” he said, wrinkling his nose, and got a faceful of papers in his face for it.
Second 'of' should go.Raptors were vessels of energy, of humming engines, blowing vents, vibrating plates, and the subtle press of winds on the hull.
Insert 'as'.“None of this makes any sense,” Glory muttered she stared at the printout showing peaks and valleys in a spectrum of colors.
Change to 'pegasus'.The stunning blond-maned pegasi drew Glory’s eyes.
Re-order 'slid' and 'shut'.“Oh, I know,” he said casually as the door shut slid behind him and he trotted around to the control terminals.
Icy pointed this sentence out for the 'You'. I add that first 'on' should go.You could slip on all the sarcasm on that one word.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
63 "Just don’t forget that you were a motherfucking Burner first, bro,” Toaster reminded with an scowl.
It flowed endlessly from the firmament, racesd down the cracked black walls, spurted out of downspouts, sprayed off molding, and crashed down stairs.
It flowed endlessly from the firmament, racesd down the cracked black walls, spurted out of downspouts, sprayed off molding, and crashed down stairs.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
I believe that was the joke, since he said "I stopped thinking of things to (say)."O. Hinds wrote:...Did you mean to not finish those sentences?Derpmind wrote:Scenery Porn count: 7
I'm really sorry Somber, but for some reason when I read the chapter I only got to the end of the first scene with Pslam before I stopped thinking of things to
Don't know why that happened, but as everyone else has said this was an excellent chapter, though I was hoping for a scene with Psychoshy and Stygius. I really miss
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Dekshuduph wrote:
- Chapter 63 Edits:
Two faces.“I can attest to the last,” he said, wrinkling his nose, and got a faceful of papers in his face for it.Second 'of' should go.Raptors were vessels of energy, of humming engines, blowing vents, vibrating plates, and the subtle press of winds on the hull.Insert 'as'.“None of this makes any sense,” Glory muttered she stared at the printout showing peaks and valleys in a spectrum of colors.Change to 'pegasus'.The stunning blond-maned pegasi drew Glory’s eyes.Re-order 'slid' and 'shut'.“Oh, I know,” he said casually as the door shut slid behind him and he trotted around to the control terminals.Icy pointed this sentence out for the 'You'. I add that first 'on' should go.You could slip on all the sarcasm on that one word.
Ah, thank you.SparkyTheDiamondDog wrote:63 "Just don’t forget that you were a motherfucking Burner first, bro,” Toaster reminded with an scowl.
It flowed endlessly from the firmament, racesd down the cracked black walls, spurted out of downspouts, sprayed off molding, and crashed down stairs.
Dekshuduph wrote:Second 'of' should go.
I disagree, sorry.Dekshuduph wrote:Icy pointed this sentence out for the 'You'. I add that first 'on' should go.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
I keep seeing comments where people are claiming nobody in chapter 63 seems very interested in reaching Blackjack and/or recovering her body.
Am I missing something? She fell into the most inaccessible location in the entire Hoof. That's the whole point, isn't it? You can't get into the Core. The fact that nobody went into the Core to find BJ doesn't reflect a lack of desire, just the fact that they can't.
But that aside: Didn't Rampage say she'd been into the Core once before? I seem to recall she got real hesitant to say anything more about it after that revelation, though. I guess whatever method she used the first time has since been cut off from her, though. (Which makes sense -- Cognitum would hardly allow a hole in her security to remain once it had been identified by an intruder making it inside.)
Am I missing something? She fell into the most inaccessible location in the entire Hoof. That's the whole point, isn't it? You can't get into the Core. The fact that nobody went into the Core to find BJ doesn't reflect a lack of desire, just the fact that they can't.
But that aside: Didn't Rampage say she'd been into the Core once before? I seem to recall she got real hesitant to say anything more about it after that revelation, though. I guess whatever method she used the first time has since been cut off from her, though. (Which makes sense -- Cognitum would hardly allow a hole in her security to remain once it had been identified by an intruder making it inside.)
He's not listing things he HAS seen, just potential evidence that a scanner that's only searching for intruders (that is, directly seeing a living being) wouldn't make note of. That's the point of the discussion, to show that detection efforts to this point have been inadequate because they're using relatively stupid probes rather than intelligent creatures.Icy Shake wrote:“Robot processors miss things. Empty food tins. Missing gemstones. Turds in the corner. A trail of drained Wild Pegasus bottles.
Question is, miscarriage, or Blackjack ignorance, or is she counting on the poison-management to be just that good?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Meleagridis wrote:Last wrote:Just got through 61 (I'm the slowest reader ever)
I feel indignant that this made me feel indignant.
I also just finished 62A. So I'm going to go ahead and claim the title again.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
I've added those. Thank you for the contribution. I'm sorry about the commenting; I'm new to hosting things on drive, but I found that I could comment while not logged in as the owner by right-clicking on a cell, though that wasn't my first or second guess of how to do so.Meleagridis wrote:I can't leave comments. Doof's CM was a fork and knife, coat was grey.Icy Shake wrote: Comments are enabled on the document, should anyone want to suggest corrections or additions, but I want to keep versions consistent,so to see within cells you'd have to download the file(turns out that only applies to nonnative files hosted on drive) so direct editing isn't.
It... might help to have the 'general other' split up based on faction, appearance, race, or something.
As for the "general other" change, that sounds like a good idea and I'll see about implementing it over the weekend. Perhaps a change to "Faction," "Job," "Appearance," "Important Relationships," and repurpose the "Role" column to more specifically the character's relation to Blackjack, or something along those lines.
I interpreted it somewhat differently. Based on the way he was playing his hand, with numerous questions and insinuations that were in his mind already proved, I took it to mean that he had seen signs but had no recourse to do anything (other than remember them for this conversation). It's true, though, that it could be an entirely theoretical statement.FeatherDust wrote:He's not listing things he HAS seen, just potential evidence that a scanner that's only searching for intruders (that is, directly seeing a living being) wouldn't make note of. That's the point of the discussion, to show that detection efforts to this point have been inadequate because they're using relatively stupid probes rather than intelligent creatures.Icy Shake wrote:“Robot processors miss things. Empty food tins. Missing gemstones. Turds in the corner. A trail of drained Wild Pegasus bottles.
Question is, miscarriage, or Blackjack ignorance, or is she counting on the poison-management to be just that good?
Swicked: I see where you're coming from with Lighthooves, but I think I missed much of it myself because Blackjack's drive is so personal, where his—until 62—seems more institutionally oriented; yes, he's personally and immensely devoted to Thunderhead and that informs his agenda and his actions, but I never really saw everything he did as being about him in the same way it was with Blackjack. Now, that changed in 62, but by then my thoughts about him had been somewhat solidified, so I didn't make the connections I should have.
Editing, 63:
“Don’t heal em’ all the way. Chicks dig scars.”
"em’ " -> " ’em"
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Ah, thank you.Icy Shake wrote:I've added those. Thank you for the contribution. I'm sorry about the commenting; I'm new to hosting things on drive, but I found that I could comment while not logged in as the owner by right-clicking on a cell, though that wasn't my first or second guess of how to do so.Meleagridis wrote:I can't leave comments. Doof's CM was a fork and knife, coat was grey.Icy Shake wrote: Comments are enabled on the document, should anyone want to suggest corrections or additions, but I want to keep versions consistent,so to see within cells you'd have to download the file(turns out that only applies to nonnative files hosted on drive) so direct editing isn't.
It... might help to have the 'general other' split up based on faction, appearance, race, or something.
As for the "general other" change, that sounds like a good idea and I'll see about implementing it over the weekend. Perhaps a change to "Faction," "Job," "Appearance," "Important Relationships," and repurpose the "Role" column to more specifically the character's relation to Blackjack, or something along those lines.I interpreted it somewhat differently. Based on the way he was playing his hand, with numerous questions and insinuations that were in his mind already proved, I took it to mean that he had seen signs but had no recourse to do anything (other than remember them for this conversation). It's true, though, that it could be an entirely theoretical statement.FeatherDust wrote:He's not listing things he HAS seen, just potential evidence that a scanner that's only searching for intruders (that is, directly seeing a living being) wouldn't make note of. That's the point of the discussion, to show that detection efforts to this point have been inadequate because they're using relatively stupid probes rather than intelligent creatures.Icy Shake wrote:“Robot processors miss things. Empty food tins. Missing gemstones. Turds in the corner. A trail of drained Wild Pegasus bottles.
Question is, miscarriage, or Blackjack ignorance, or is she counting on the poison-management to be just that good?
Swicked: I see where you're coming from with Lighthooves, but I think I missed much of it myself because Blackjack's drive is so personal, where his—until 62—seems more institutionally oriented; yes, he's personally and immensely devoted to Thunderhead and that informs his agenda and his actions, but I never really saw everything he did as being about him in the same way it was with Blackjack. Now, that changed in 62, but by then my thoughts about him had been somewhat solidified, so I didn't make the connections I should have.
Editing, 63:
“Don’t heal em’ all the way. Chicks dig scars.”
"em’ " -> " ’em"
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