[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
+50
The Tainted One
Twilightrose42
The Truth
Boing
Luminous Lead
CD
Katarn
OneMoreDaySK
TyrannisUmbra
MSCA
Tytan
Technowolf
Valikdu
Admiral Stoic Rum
Dekshuduph
Meleagridis
ChaosDX1
chinman
Borsuq
skibadaa
SparkyTheDiamondDog
Rayndalf
FoolNeim
Retl
Evilgidgit
Shady
Harmony Ltd.
Scienza
CrispyBit
Aonee
Train Dodger
Stringtheory
TheWanderingZebra
StoneSlinger88
Kippershy
FeatherDust
Silver136
WavemasterRyx
Downloaded Skill
Somber
Derpmind
Exodus Hero
Caoimhe
SilentCarto
Moodyman90
O. Hinds
RoboRed
Vergil
CamoBadger
Icy Shake
54 posters
Page 24 of 32
Page 24 of 32 • 1 ... 13 ... 23, 24, 25 ... 28 ... 32
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Sorry Hinds. I guess I lost my place and thought it was at the start of the sentence. My fault.
Guest- Guest
O. Hinds- Zebra Engineer
- Posts : 4863
Brohoof! : 383
Join date : 2012-05-09
Character List:
Name: Ris Haends Aeronauticus
Sex: Male
Species: Zebra
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
That sentence does scan a bit oddly. I think keeping both "all"s emphasizes the idea that 'everyone goes or nobody does', but you could also add a comma to separate the phrases. "...to get them all on, all at once."O. Hinds wrote:Eh… I disagree, sorry.Last wrote:Think it'd be better if you lose one of the alls. Either one.
SilentCarto- Alicorn
- Posts : 1585
Brohoof! : 393
Join date : 2012-05-08
Age : 45
Location : Texas
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Ooh, good idea!SilentCarto wrote:That sentence does scan a bit oddly. I think keeping both "all"s emphasizes the idea that 'everyone goes or nobody does', but you could also add a comma to separate the phrases. "...to get them all on, all at once."O. Hinds wrote:Eh… I disagree, sorry.Last wrote:Think it'd be better if you lose one of the alls. Either one.
O. Hinds- Zebra Engineer
- Posts : 4863
Brohoof! : 383
Join date : 2012-05-09
Character List:
Name: Ris Haends Aeronauticus
Sex: Male
Species: Zebra
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Did we ever verify that Rampage is in she way related to a couple of the souls inside her? I can't seem to remember and I came across something during my third read just now...
Silver136- Ursa Minor
- Posts : 435
Brohoof! : 24
Join date : 2013-11-19
Character List:
Name: Silver Shroud
Sex: Male
Species: Pegasus
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
A lot of people on here speculate that Rampage is in fact Peppermint, a possible child of Twist and Shujaa.Silver136 wrote:Did we ever verify that Rampage is in she way related to a couple of the souls inside her? I can't seem to remember and I came across something during my third read just now...
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
That's what I thought. Well I've been rereading again and in chapter 50 while Rampage is having her existential crisis, Lac says that at least 3 of Rampages others think Boo is their daughter. Isn't Peppermint supposed to be a blank of Twist and Shujaa?Evilgidgit wrote:A lot of people on here speculate that Rampage is in fact Peppermint, a possible child of Twist and Shujaa.Silver136 wrote:Did we ever verify that Rampage is in she way related to a couple of the souls inside her? I can't seem to remember and I came across something during my third read just now...
Silver136- Ursa Minor
- Posts : 435
Brohoof! : 24
Join date : 2013-11-19
Character List:
Name: Silver Shroud
Sex: Male
Species: Pegasus
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
It might also be that the various lonely souls that make up Rampage are projecting what they want to see onto the (soulless?) blank.Silver136 wrote:That's what I thought. Well I've been rereading again and in chapter 50 while Rampage is having her existential crisis, Lac says that at least 3 of Rampages others think Boo is their daughter. Isn't Peppermint supposed to be a blank of Twist and Shujaa?Evilgidgit wrote:A lot of people on here speculate that Rampage is in fact Peppermint, a possible child of Twist and Shujaa.Silver136 wrote:Did we ever verify that Rampage is in she way related to a couple of the souls inside her? I can't seem to remember and I came across something during my third read just now...
Scienza- Shipmistress
- Posts : 1571
Brohoof! : 248
Join date : 2013-08-28
Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
I read through chapter ten today. It's not exactly the cheeriest thing, but it does some heavy lifting in setting up tools, plot points, and characters. And at least the battle the Marauders were introduced in was fun.
- Chapter Ten Running Thoughs:
- In less than half a minute I’d gone from feeling good… battered and slightly traumatized, but good… to watching a dozen zebras gunned down right before my eyes by one of their own kind.
1) Ah, reduced standards. Where would we be without you?
2) Cue Pip, "Scary, but fun!"
I hate a world where the trust I give then turns around and kills somepony else; I can accept it if I’m the one who suffers for my poor judgment, but when I keep sailing through while innocents (or at least as innocent as a pony can be in the Wasteland) drop around me?
Hi, major story conflict!
I hate that, as I’m lying here, I’m the one everypony is running to help. I hate that they’re telling me not to move, that they’re worrying for me.
Perhaps ironically, it is probably Blackjack's tendency to act out of this impulse, her instinct to put herself in danger to try to help others, that leads to this sort of thing. I mean, doing that does tend to make you the center of attention, after all, and even if you don't see them as being in your debt, some likely will.
I had arrogantly assumed that any threat he’d posed would be to me. Because I’m the mare with the hundred thousand cap bounty on her head. Because I’m a pony, so naturally his threat would be to me.
Well, that first reason is pretty consistent with your recent lived experiences. The second follows naturally from the insane sounding stuff Lancer was saying about being at war. That said, you didn't catch his creepy response regarding freeing the zebras there.
Most of all I hate the blackness that’s rushing up to claim me because I know it will not last.
I forget, were there instances when Blackjack wished for death before this? I guess there was the first mattress, but that didn't strike me as a case, even with Scoodle. Sure, she wished it had been her, but that's not really the same thing.
I’m on my stomach. That makes no sense; I sleep on my back. I’m also on a table. Why am I on a table? You sleep on beds. You play cards on a table. There are ponies around me? Why do I smell blood? Why do my shoulders hurt so much?
Why is P-21 saying that I’m waking up? Why is Glory yelling? What’s the big deal? I need to wake up. There was something important I was doing.
I look at Glory with a bloody knife in her mouth as she leans over me. I’m… cut open again, aren’t I? I’ve got to get out of here. I need to go. Somepony needs my help.
I like the altered state of mind here, especially how it's used to emphasize the drive Blackjack feels to do something about the zebra.
Back on the table. I’m crashing? No, I’m floating.
Zap. Back under the stars.
Please let me stay with the stars.
Granted, there's the distinction between Blackjack's conscious self (such as it is in this case) and her soul, but this does seem like an interesting contrast with the start of chapter thirty four.
I like playing cards. Like now. I’m playing cards with the Pecos: some draw poker. The whiskey is warm in my tummy. I’ve got a bowl of Sugar Apple Bombs. Life is good. “Ante up…,” says the dealer. Not too sure about this hand so I put one chip in the pot. A teal filly looks up at me in worry. But it’s a bad hand. Dealer wins. Guts spill all over the ground.
Ah, the first use of the Dealer. I'm not as sure that it's yet Echo, though. There isn't much visual description, after all, and I don't remember if there was a specific point that the Dealer said he started appearing to her, apart from it being after she started to use EC-1101, which hasn't happened yet, that I'm aware of (of course, it appeared that it might have been used to open the Silver Bullet box, but that was later shown not to be the case).
“I knew Lancer was no good. I saw the way he looked at those zebras from the moment we left the mine. He didn’t approach them. No hugging or hoofshakes. He just disappeared as soon as they were outside. I thought maybe he was sniping the last of the guards, but he wasn’t. I should have warned you. Gotten them out of sight. Something.” He rose to his hooves. “I got them killed.”
I looked at him for a long moment. How… ridiculous? How could he be blaming himself? So what if he’d not said anything? Things were pretty hectic. I hadn’t even noticed Lancer acting funny. “Not your fault. He never would have been there if not for me.”
Check one for Blackjack applying different standards for herself and others. Check two for her forgetting “Ever think it’s not about you, Blackjack?” Check three for missing the fact that it's worse to know something is wrong and do nothing than to miss that anything was amiss in the first place, at least morally. What am I missing here, because I'm sure there's plenty more.
“Damn it,” he said as he scrubbed his eyes. “I just want justice for a change.”
P-21 conflating justice with revenge. Granted, he's not too far off in this case, but it's part of a broader pattern.
“See… almost good as new. Though… I have to admit I’m curious… you’re what? A medical technician?”
People called "medical technicians" don't perform surgeries. But then, well, I guess it's just something to add to the list of things Blackjack doesn't know.
“So where does a medical technician learn to do surgery like that?” I asked quietly, looking up at her before I closed my eyes.
Never mind. A bit of a surprise, come to think of it, but then again maybe she picked it up from the people in medical.
“Dr. Morningstar was… well… not a supporter of the Corps. He’d been to the surface with science teams.”
Glory sighed, closing her eyes as she looked out the filthy windows. “We had a terrible fight. Absolutely terrible. I told him he was rude, callous, and monstrous for keeping his skills to the pegasi. He called me an idealistic fool destined for a pointless death.”
And the best part is, they're both right, or at least pretty close! After all, the doctor's point would be considerably weakened given adequate support of the VC, and Glory's is harmed by the fact that, in the absence of that support, it's probably a good thing to try to convince ponies not to go.
She closed her eyes and said solemnly, “Rainbow Dash was a fine pony whose heart was in the right place, but whose head wasn’t. Had she waited twenty years, just twenty years, she could have changed so much.” She then looked at me with a very odd smile. “She was a phenomenal pony. She and her friends. But she was a bit of an idiot.”
One of the little, perhaps even easily missed, given the volume of the story, developments is how Glory gradually comes to see that Rainbow Dash may not have been quite as stupid as she thought.
“Lancer was a murdering monster, but even he couldn’t make thirteen fatal shots in ten seconds flat.”
So why not take those extra few seconds to do the job right? A little overconfident, I suppose, and I guess it would be difficult to stick around to make close inspection, even with the cloak.
A ground that became far far closer as the body I was in pulled his… his? -Holy shit… that was definitely a his!- legs and raced for the ground with the other eagle critter on his ass.
That might be the first time I've ever heard griffins called "critters."
A huge gray pony swung a multi-barreled weapon in a socket back and forth, sending a killing stream of lead down the hill and into the enemy. “Eat it you bitchessss!” he roared in glee as the chain of bullets rapidly disappeared into the weapon. “Twissssst! Reload!” he yelled.
Hm, he didn't use his favorite word. Also, I find it mildly amusing that Twist is introduced by another pony who's not pronouncing "s"s normally at the time.
Twist looked at the impact holes carefully. “Ooo… I’d say a hundred yards out,” she said as she grinned at my host.
That's quite an impressive skill.
Some zebras, running more swiftly than I thought physically possible, attempted to attack him with their bare hooves!
Ah, Flash?
She grinned around a peppermint stick lodged in her teeth. “Want one, Stonewing?” Stonewing, apparently the pegasus I was in, nodded enthusiastically.
The blue pegasus smiled and chewed hers happily. “Thanks… those are so good. When do you find time to make ‘em?” I’d have liked the recipe myself. That was good eatin’!
Nicely included reference to FoE.
“You want some, Psalm?” My host put his wing in front of Twist, shaking his head.
The pegasus beside me looked sad as we looked over at the black unicorn staring downhill, her
lips moving softly. She made slow, almost mechanical, shots with a long barreled rifle. BLAM! “Forgive me Luna, for I have sinned: I have taken the life of another.” BLAM! “Forgive me Celestia, for I have sinned: I have taken the life of another.” BLAM! BLAM BLAM BLAM… each death came with a plea for forgiveness in a hopeless whisper.
That is one hell of a character introduction.
“Dragons. Brimstone and a dozen more managed to carry an entire legion with them,” said the handsome unicorn who reminded me of Prince Splendid, save for the emerald eyes and mane, and wore an automatic rifle on each side. I would have killed to know how he looked so delicious covered in mud and blood.
See, if it was something the whole family could pull off, Blueblood didn't even need to avoid the cake in the first place. He'd still have looked great.
“I tell you, I read in Stud magazines that Dash is all about the fillies. You’re wasting your time,” the big gray pony said with a lazy chuckle.
“Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” Twist asked with a scowl.
“Nah. But I kiss yours.”
. . .
“He’s right. Knock it off, Doof,” Big Macintosh said softly,
That seems like a pretty strong reaction, considering there isn't the least bit of profanity in there, unless "stud" is a much dirtier word than I'm used to it being. Also, really, Mac? That's the standard response to that question.
All I had was my telekinesis, but I had to have something to use it on. It wasn’t like you could just shove telekinesis at something... right? I stared at her. “Tumbleweed. Please stop… please…” Oh don’t make me try this… “Please!” This was not an experiment I wanted to do right now! I almost didn’t want it to work. My magic focused from pushing against her head to pushing just one single point. There was no way this could work. No way. Crap...
Fuck it. I shoved my focused little cone of telekinesis right into her eye. She screamed and fell back, covering her head with her hooves as she writhed in agony. Finally she stilled, clutching the socket as clear, faintly yellow fluid crept down her cheek. “It hurts… it hurts… my head hurts… I’m so hungry... so angry… please...” she begged as she stared at me with her remaining pinprick pupil.
“Tumbleweed,” I panted, my breath hissing as I nearly hyperventilated. Oh Celestia, did that ever sting! “Have you ever eaten meat?”
Double duty there, showing just how fast the raider disease happens and having Blackjack discover the telekinetic bullet. Tumbleweed's vacillation between mania and lucidity works nicely to keep the tension in place, so that there are higher stakes involved in Blackjack killing her than if she were completely gone, while maintaining the threat.
I slumped, my legs shaky and my back achy,
But was her heart breaky? Sorry.
“Better,” he said as the movement of the crowd revealed the fat pony. His forelegs were swollen to the size of melons and he’d been beaten till he looked like he was part bloatsprite. But what really chilled my blood, despite the heat, was the sight of him wearing dozens and dozens of explosive slave collars. “For justice.”
Sweet Celestia, what the fuck made you think this up, P-21? Dusty smiled as she floated over the flimsy little shackle I’d busted off him during the breakout. There was a shiny red button attached. “Thought it right you give the fucker a send off he deserves.”
P-21, what are you doing? First of all, the proposed means kind of betrays the lie that this is about justice, or at least justice to the exclusion of revenge. What's more, why do you feel it needs to be Blackjack, when I'm pretty sure she's already told you she's not an executioner (okay, that was in the stable, and a weak excuse at the time, but given her subsequent actions as well, you couldn't pick that up?).
P-21 would have killed me right then if he could. Cold rage burned in his eyes as he leaned towards me. “Do you know what fucking justice is? It’s giving to others as is given to you.” Be kind. “It’s killing the fucker to make sure that she never does it again.” Be kind. “It’s making sure every bastard who even thinks of copying her crime hesitates because they know they might face the same punishment.” Be kind. “It’s what’s fair!”
Well, it's better than some of the other ideas of justice I've heard recently, one of which at least at first amounted to killing your enemies and perhaps helping your friends.
“This isn’t fucking justice!” I hissed as I stared at him, unable to touch that button, unable to look away. “It’s murder.”
Now I regretted my show. If I’d appeared near death... no, that would have put the blood on somepony else’s hooves. And he’d be just as dead.
. . .
“I’m not an executioner. I’m Security. If he’d threatened another I wouldn’t stop fighting him ‘til he gave up. If he threatened your lives I’d do all I could to end his. But like this… I can’t give you what you want. I’m sorry.” I floated the detonator back to Dusty Trails, who looked at me with an unfathomable expression. Contempt for my weakness? Pity? Respect? “I know I can’t stop you from killing him. I know that many of you need this. But I’m begging you… please… be better. Be kind.”
How often does the Messiah character play the role of Pilate?
I hated the Wasteland. I hated that bony bastard dealing the cards and stacking the deck. I hated ponies, ‘sane’ ponies, killing other ponies. Raiders at least had the excuse of holey brains.
Ah, bringing back the structure of the chapter's opening? It works, and probably better than it would in most chapters, at least this directly.
I hated P-21 for thinking that I’d want to kill the mine administrator like that. I hated being a coward. I hated being weak. If I’d just pushed the button, everything would have been better.
Where was the cowardice, exactly? Though I guess she could feel like a coward, there. But "coward" isn't something I normally associate with someone standing up for their principles against the scorn of those around them.
- Chapter Ten Overall Thoughts:
- Well, this once was a relatively laid-back chapter, at least in the present. The flip side to this is that there's a fair amount that gets introduced. There's Blackjack's telekinetic bullet, which was tied to Tumbleweed's raiderism and both just how quickly it develops and the fact that it can be spread through things other than meat—in her case, reading between the lines suggests it's due to some "wilty" salad, which will probably be tied to the Enclave experiments soon.
Blackjack starts using chems (okay, she probably used Med-X before this, but that doesn't count), taking Buck to let her carry herself from the building to the flatcars to project a stronger image of herself and hopefully dissuade some bounty hunters from thinking she would be an easy target.
The big deal is the introduction of Macintosh's Marauders: though we'd seen Big Mac before, we now get Prince Vanity, Psalm, Twist, Doof, Echo, Stonewing, and Jetstream. Oh, and anonymous "Flak Jacket," their immediate superior on the ground, I guess? As far as I know, he never shows up again. Their battle is interesting, showcasing what each of them does and some personality comes through in how they handle the fighting. Macintosh is inspiring, of course, but that's just what you'd expect from what we already know, and the extreme control is a nice touch. But it's Psalm's introduction that steals the scene, the sniper quietly praying for forgiveness after each shot fired, yet still shooting even as the others are in a pause to talk about how to proceed. This trait was emphasized by how it divided her from the rest of the team, first introduced as it was as Stonewing held back Twist from offering her peppermints due to the pain Psalm was putting herself through. Stonewing, I believe, never says anything, already communicating mostly through gestures like nods and shrugs, and his enthusiasm for Rainbow Dash is established. Twist and Doof have an interesting dynamic, particularly with Twist's combativeness and, frankly, at least a little bit of contempt where he is concerned showing through, which is shared by Stonewing. It's not too much, but they seem to see him as a bit of a joke.
Back in the present, Sekashi and Majina are introduced, but only Sekashi really says anything, but gives her first two stories, the one about the zebra who lost his shoe and the one about those who followed the long-dead king's order to wage war. The latter was some of the more enjoyable exposition lately, since it took an interesting form and also served to characterize Sekashi herself.
The Dealer makes his first appearance, but so far only in dreams, so (especially since I don't think Blackjack's yet used EC-1101) it's probably not yet Echo.
Of course, the really big deal is the send-off, and Blackjack's refusal to be the mine boss's executioner, while also pleading with those who remained to be kind enough not to kill him. P-21 was, it seems, the instigator, or at least the one who decided on the form (death by dozens of bomb collars), and doesn't take Blackjack's response well. It's showing him react more strongly to slavery than he has in the past (at least where it concerned others, rather than himself), since it's so immediately connected to the scene. Interestingly, I don't think Glory ever had a reaction to what P-21 and Blackjack did, at least not in this chapter, which seems a little odd since she's often so opinionated, and I doubt that she wouldn't at least object to the barbarity of the method of execution. (On the plus side where she's concerned, she got some good development, including some backstory about her job, the VC, and Dashites, including a hint that she knew some. These were, in my opinion, less meaningful than her argument with P-21 during Blackjack's surgery and recovery, which did more to really show what she's like when she loses composure and also gave P-21 a chance to show that he appreciated her. Perhaps the fighting was part of why she didn't say anything about the execution later on.) Blackjack worries that P-21 may be going off the deep end even as she tries to become better.
- Chapter Ten Editing:
- I hate that I’m so weak I can’t even draw a breath to scream out to the others ‘help them! Even one of them! Save just one if you can, and don’t worry about me.’
Should "help" be capitalized?
Less please. There’s plenty of blood
only one space after the period
“Then go get some!” P-21 snapped.
Should have only one space after the quotation.
but it seemed a century past its warranty. “Sounds like a lot
I looked back him hanging his head. “What are you talking
only one space after the period
This was my screw up, Blackjack.
As a noun, "screwup" is a single word.
“Oh… That is wrong on so many levels, Blackjack.”
second space after ellipsis, or "That" shouldn't be capitalized.
Apparently there was a serial killer in the Hoof.” He reached over and lifted a
only one space after quotation
“What do you want?” the Overmare asked me coldly, brown eyes digging into me.
In chapter one, her eyes "a were [sic] lighter pinkish color [than Blackjack's]."
I muttered with a groan. “I’m sure you’ll have
her before I closed my eyes. Maybe it was the fever;
Well. The Volunteer Corps
only one space after period.
She gave a little shiver; “It is an unpleasant prospect.
I'm not sure it's strictly wrong, but the semicolon seems like an odd choice there, and a period might be more natural.
The rifles at my sides led out a stream of leaden death interspersed with red fire.
"let out"
A ground that became far far closer as the body I was in pulled his… his? -Holy shit… that was definitely a his!- legs and raced
second hyphen, symettrical spacing for dashes?
“Yeah yeah. There’s always
comma after first "yeah"?
We were flying over no pony’s lan,d and there was
"land,"
“Die you striped mooootherfuckaaas!” the gray pony shouted in glee as he painted them with lead.
comma after "Die"?
She made slow, almost mechanical, shots with a long barreled rifle. BLAM!
Only one space after the period.
unicorn staring downhill, her
lips moving softly
I think that there's a hard line break after "her" where there shouldn't be one
“Forget what command says.
“Um… Command again. They want us to hold the hill now.
The independent capitalization of "command" should be the same for both of these. If lower case, then there should be a second space after the ellipsis so "Command" is starting a sentence, or it should be lower case.
ETA 2 minutes. All pegasi are to form up and give support.
"two" should be written out.
“She gave me the wrong memory,” I groaned as I lifted the orb
Should only have one space after quotation, or the quotation should end with a period, not a comma.
“What’s the other way?” I asked as I pointed
should have only one space after quotation
The Boss sent trains through there only on account he didn’t want Gorgon petrifying him.
"Boss" shouldn't be capitalized
fucking good… Yeah!”
second space after ellipsis or "Yeah" shouldn't be capitalized
Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck… She lunged for the bed,
second space after ellipsis or "She" shouldn't be capitalized
Please stop… please…” Oh don’t make me try
second space after quotation or "Oh" shouldn't be capitalized
I was able to queue up two attacks: ‘Telekinetic Bullet’
should have only one space after colon
The tracks in the gem mine had the same track gauge as the rail lines,
Is the second "track" necessary, since the context is clear?
‘For all your little ouchies.’
Period to outside of quotation marks? And I don't know if it matters, but in chapter one, it was "hurting ouchies."
The slaves parted in front of me with expressions of awe and concern.
Should that be former slaves, or is the accuracy not worth the wordiness?
aboard and sat with relief. There was just enough room
only one space after period
“Thought it right you give the fucker a send off he deserves.”
It looks like most sources have the noun "send off" hyphenated, or more rarely, a single word, but not really two.
If he’d threatened another I wouldn’t stop fighting him ‘til he gave up.
Should probably be "till," since you use that almost everywhere else
they insisted they follow his orders as well. Any who refused were
three spaces after period
There are many tribes that refuse to fight. So long as they bow
only one space after period
“Can you imagine anything more terrible?” she countered. For a zebra like that, I had to conclude that I really couldn’t think of any.
Since I'm not sure there's anything the "any" refers to (e.g. "responses," "greetings"), should it be "anything"?
and I more and more reserved. Our friendship had barely set
only one space after period
Its frozen grin said quietly: Ante up.
I'm not sure "Ante up" should be capitalized.
“Shouldn’t we fall back, then?” asked a sober sounding buck draped head to hoof in a flack jacket.
"flak"
- Other Chapter Editing:
- 1:
The Overmare’s white hide was a little more dingy than mine, and her eyes a were lighter pinkish color.
either "a lighter pinkish" or "were a lighter pinkish"
47:
‘Til the boss mare said ‘Well-uh bless my soul!”
This one's more debatable, since it's in a song, but it's still a little odd that it would be " 'til" rather than "till" as is the use almost everywhere else.
53:
The door opened with a hiss, and two huge sentries, perhaps the earliest ultra-sentinels, rolled forward from their access.
"Ultra-Sentinels" should probably be capitalized
59:
You used dragons. We made Raptors. We made power armor. You make armor piercing bullets. We made megaspells. You made balefire bombs. We made Thunderheads. You made Tempests.
All the others are "made"
64:
“Echo, how long do you think we have ‘till Horizons goes off?”
No apostrophe for "till"
Icy Shake- Alicorn
- Posts : 1209
Brohoof! : 308
Join date : 2012-06-05
Age : 35
Location : Boston, MA
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Ah, thank you very much as always.Icy Shake wrote:I read through chapter ten today. It's not exactly the cheeriest thing, but it does some heavy lifting in setting up tools, plot points, and characters. And at least the battle the Marauders were introduced in was fun.
- Chapter Ten Running Thoughs:
In less than half a minute I’d gone from feeling good… battered and slightly traumatized, but good… to watching a dozen zebras gunned down right before my eyes by one of their own kind.
1) Ah, reduced standards. Where would we be without you?
2) Cue Pip, "Scary, but fun!"
I hate a world where the trust I give then turns around and kills somepony else; I can accept it if I’m the one who suffers for my poor judgment, but when I keep sailing through while innocents (or at least as innocent as a pony can be in the Wasteland) drop around me?
Hi, major story conflict!
I hate that, as I’m lying here, I’m the one everypony is running to help. I hate that they’re telling me not to move, that they’re worrying for me.
Perhaps ironically, it is probably Blackjack's tendency to act out of this impulse, her instinct to put herself in danger to try to help others, that leads to this sort of thing. I mean, doing that does tend to make you the center of attention, after all, and even if you don't see them as being in your debt, some likely will.
I had arrogantly assumed that any threat he’d posed would be to me. Because I’m the mare with the hundred thousand cap bounty on her head. Because I’m a pony, so naturally his threat would be to me.
Well, that first reason is pretty consistent with your recent lived experiences. The second follows naturally from the insane sounding stuff Lancer was saying about being at war. That said, you didn't catch his creepy response regarding freeing the zebras there.
Most of all I hate the blackness that’s rushing up to claim me because I know it will not last.
I forget, were there instances when Blackjack wished for death before this? I guess there was the first mattress, but that didn't strike me as a case, even with Scoodle. Sure, she wished it had been her, but that's not really the same thing.
I’m on my stomach. That makes no sense; I sleep on my back. I’m also on a table. Why am I on a table? You sleep on beds. You play cards on a table. There are ponies around me? Why do I smell blood? Why do my shoulders hurt so much?
Why is P-21 saying that I’m waking up? Why is Glory yelling? What’s the big deal? I need to wake up. There was something important I was doing.
I look at Glory with a bloody knife in her mouth as she leans over me. I’m… cut open again, aren’t I? I’ve got to get out of here. I need to go. Somepony needs my help.
I like the altered state of mind here, especially how it's used to emphasize the drive Blackjack feels to do something about the zebra.
Back on the table. I’m crashing? No, I’m floating.
Zap. Back under the stars.
Please let me stay with the stars.
Granted, there's the distinction between Blackjack's conscious self (such as it is in this case) and her soul, but this does seem like an interesting contrast with the start of chapter thirty four.
I like playing cards. Like now. I’m playing cards with the Pecos: some draw poker. The whiskey is warm in my tummy. I’ve got a bowl of Sugar Apple Bombs. Life is good. “Ante up…,” says the dealer. Not too sure about this hand so I put one chip in the pot. A teal filly looks up at me in worry. But it’s a bad hand. Dealer wins. Guts spill all over the ground.
Ah, the first use of the Dealer. I'm not as sure that it's yet Echo, though. There isn't much visual description, after all, and I don't remember if there was a specific point that the Dealer said he started appearing to her, apart from it being after she started to use EC-1101, which hasn't happened yet, that I'm aware of (of course, it appeared that it might have been used to open the Silver Bullet box, but that was later shown not to be the case).
“I knew Lancer was no good. I saw the way he looked at those zebras from the moment we left the mine. He didn’t approach them. No hugging or hoofshakes. He just disappeared as soon as they were outside. I thought maybe he was sniping the last of the guards, but he wasn’t. I should have warned you. Gotten them out of sight. Something.” He rose to his hooves. “I got them killed.”
I looked at him for a long moment. How… ridiculous? How could he be blaming himself? So what if he’d not said anything? Things were pretty hectic. I hadn’t even noticed Lancer acting funny. “Not your fault. He never would have been there if not for me.”
Check one for Blackjack applying different standards for herself and others. Check two for her forgetting “Ever think it’s not about you, Blackjack?” Check three for missing the fact that it's worse to know something is wrong and do nothing than to miss that anything was amiss in the first place, at least morally. What am I missing here, because I'm sure there's plenty more.
“Damn it,” he said as he scrubbed his eyes. “I just want justice for a change.”
P-21 conflating justice with revenge. Granted, he's not too far off in this case, but it's part of a broader pattern.
“See… almost good as new. Though… I have to admit I’m curious… you’re what? A medical technician?”
People called "medical technicians" don't perform surgeries. But then, well, I guess it's just something to add to the list of things Blackjack doesn't know.
“So where does a medical technician learn to do surgery like that?” I asked quietly, looking up at her before I closed my eyes.
Never mind. A bit of a surprise, come to think of it, but then again maybe she picked it up from the people in medical.
“Dr. Morningstar was… well… not a supporter of the Corps. He’d been to the surface with science teams.”
Glory sighed, closing her eyes as she looked out the filthy windows. “We had a terrible fight. Absolutely terrible. I told him he was rude, callous, and monstrous for keeping his skills to the pegasi. He called me an idealistic fool destined for a pointless death.”
And the best part is, they're both right, or at least pretty close! After all, the doctor's point would be considerably weakened given adequate support of the VC, and Glory's is harmed by the fact that, in the absence of that support, it's probably a good thing to try to convince ponies not to go.
She closed her eyes and said solemnly, “Rainbow Dash was a fine pony whose heart was in the right place, but whose head wasn’t. Had she waited twenty years, just twenty years, she could have changed so much.” She then looked at me with a very odd smile. “She was a phenomenal pony. She and her friends. But she was a bit of an idiot.”
One of the little, perhaps even easily missed, given the volume of the story, developments is how Glory gradually comes to see that Rainbow Dash may not have been quite as stupid as she thought.
“Lancer was a murdering monster, but even he couldn’t make thirteen fatal shots in ten seconds flat.”
So why not take those extra few seconds to do the job right? A little overconfident, I suppose, and I guess it would be difficult to stick around to make close inspection, even with the cloak.
A ground that became far far closer as the body I was in pulled his… his? -Holy shit… that was definitely a his!- legs and raced for the ground with the other eagle critter on his ass.
That might be the first time I've ever heard griffins called "critters."
A huge gray pony swung a multi-barreled weapon in a socket back and forth, sending a killing stream of lead down the hill and into the enemy. “Eat it you bitchessss!” he roared in glee as the chain of bullets rapidly disappeared into the weapon. “Twissssst! Reload!” he yelled.
Hm, he didn't use his favorite word. Also, I find it mildly amusing that Twist is introduced by another pony who's not pronouncing "s"s normally at the time.
Twist looked at the impact holes carefully. “Ooo… I’d say a hundred yards out,” she said as she grinned at my host.
That's quite an impressive skill.
Some zebras, running more swiftly than I thought physically possible, attempted to attack him with their bare hooves!
Ah, Flash?
She grinned around a peppermint stick lodged in her teeth. “Want one, Stonewing?” Stonewing, apparently the pegasus I was in, nodded enthusiastically.
The blue pegasus smiled and chewed hers happily. “Thanks… those are so good. When do you find time to make ‘em?” I’d have liked the recipe myself. That was good eatin’!
Nicely included reference to FoE.
“You want some, Psalm?” My host put his wing in front of Twist, shaking his head.
The pegasus beside me looked sad as we looked over at the black unicorn staring downhill, her
lips moving softly. She made slow, almost mechanical, shots with a long barreled rifle. BLAM! “Forgive me Luna, for I have sinned: I have taken the life of another.” BLAM! “Forgive me Celestia, for I have sinned: I have taken the life of another.” BLAM! BLAM BLAM BLAM… each death came with a plea for forgiveness in a hopeless whisper.
That is one hell of a character introduction.
“Dragons. Brimstone and a dozen more managed to carry an entire legion with them,” said the handsome unicorn who reminded me of Prince Splendid, save for the emerald eyes and mane, and wore an automatic rifle on each side. I would have killed to know how he looked so delicious covered in mud and blood.
See, if it was something the whole family could pull off, Blueblood didn't even need to avoid the cake in the first place. He'd still have looked great.
“I tell you, I read in Stud magazines that Dash is all about the fillies. You’re wasting your time,” the big gray pony said with a lazy chuckle.
“Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?” Twist asked with a scowl.
“Nah. But I kiss yours.”
. . .
“He’s right. Knock it off, Doof,” Big Macintosh said softly,
That seems like a pretty strong reaction, considering there isn't the least bit of profanity in there, unless "stud" is a much dirtier word than I'm used to it being. Also, really, Mac? That's the standard response to that question.
All I had was my telekinesis, but I had to have something to use it on. It wasn’t like you could just shove telekinesis at something... right? I stared at her. “Tumbleweed. Please stop… please…” Oh don’t make me try this… “Please!” This was not an experiment I wanted to do right now! I almost didn’t want it to work. My magic focused from pushing against her head to pushing just one single point. There was no way this could work. No way. Crap...
Fuck it. I shoved my focused little cone of telekinesis right into her eye. She screamed and fell back, covering her head with her hooves as she writhed in agony. Finally she stilled, clutching the socket as clear, faintly yellow fluid crept down her cheek. “It hurts… it hurts… my head hurts… I’m so hungry... so angry… please...” she begged as she stared at me with her remaining pinprick pupil.
“Tumbleweed,” I panted, my breath hissing as I nearly hyperventilated. Oh Celestia, did that ever sting! “Have you ever eaten meat?”
Double duty there, showing just how fast the raider disease happens and having Blackjack discover the telekinetic bullet. Tumbleweed's vacillation between mania and lucidity works nicely to keep the tension in place, so that there are higher stakes involved in Blackjack killing her than if she were completely gone, while maintaining the threat.
I slumped, my legs shaky and my back achy,
But was her heart breaky? Sorry.
“Better,” he said as the movement of the crowd revealed the fat pony. His forelegs were swollen to the size of melons and he’d been beaten till he looked like he was part bloatsprite. But what really chilled my blood, despite the heat, was the sight of him wearing dozens and dozens of explosive slave collars. “For justice.”
Sweet Celestia, what the fuck made you think this up, P-21? Dusty smiled as she floated over the flimsy little shackle I’d busted off him during the breakout. There was a shiny red button attached. “Thought it right you give the fucker a send off he deserves.”
P-21, what are you doing? First of all, the proposed means kind of betrays the lie that this is about justice, or at least justice to the exclusion of revenge. What's more, why do you feel it needs to be Blackjack, when I'm pretty sure she's already told you she's not an executioner (okay, that was in the stable, and a weak excuse at the time, but given her subsequent actions as well, you couldn't pick that up?).
P-21 would have killed me right then if he could. Cold rage burned in his eyes as he leaned towards me. “Do you know what fucking justice is? It’s giving to others as is given to you.” Be kind. “It’s killing the fucker to make sure that she never does it again.” Be kind. “It’s making sure every bastard who even thinks of copying her crime hesitates because they know they might face the same punishment.” Be kind. “It’s what’s fair!”
Well, it's better than some of the other ideas of justice I've heard recently, one of which at least at first amounted to killing your enemies and perhaps helping your friends.
“This isn’t fucking justice!” I hissed as I stared at him, unable to touch that button, unable to look away. “It’s murder.”
Now I regretted my show. If I’d appeared near death... no, that would have put the blood on somepony else’s hooves. And he’d be just as dead.
. . .
“I’m not an executioner. I’m Security. If he’d threatened another I wouldn’t stop fighting him ‘til he gave up. If he threatened your lives I’d do all I could to end his. But like this… I can’t give you what you want. I’m sorry.” I floated the detonator back to Dusty Trails, who looked at me with an unfathomable expression. Contempt for my weakness? Pity? Respect? “I know I can’t stop you from killing him. I know that many of you need this. But I’m begging you… please… be better. Be kind.”
How often does the Messiah character play the role of Pilate?
I hated the Wasteland. I hated that bony bastard dealing the cards and stacking the deck. I hated ponies, ‘sane’ ponies, killing other ponies. Raiders at least had the excuse of holey brains.
Ah, bringing back the structure of the chapter's opening? It works, and probably better than it would in most chapters, at least this directly.
I hated P-21 for thinking that I’d want to kill the mine administrator like that. I hated being a coward. I hated being weak. If I’d just pushed the button, everything would have been better.
Where was the cowardice, exactly? Though I guess she could feel like a coward, there. But "coward" isn't something I normally associate with someone standing up for their principles against the scorn of those around them.
- Chapter Ten Overall Thoughts:
Well, this once was a relatively laid-back chapter, at least in the present. The flip side to this is that there's a fair amount that gets introduced. There's Blackjack's telekinetic bullet, which was tied to Tumbleweed's raiderism and both just how quickly it develops and the fact that it can be spread through things other than meat—in her case, reading between the lines suggests it's due to some "wilty" salad, which will probably be tied to the Enclave experiments soon.
Blackjack starts using chems (okay, she probably used Med-X before this, but that doesn't count), taking Buck to let her carry herself from the building to the flatcars to project a stronger image of herself and hopefully dissuade some bounty hunters from thinking she would be an easy target.
The big deal is the introduction of Macintosh's Marauders: though we'd seen Big Mac before, we now get Prince Vanity, Psalm, Twist, Doof, Echo, Stonewing, and Jetstream. Oh, and anonymous "Flak Jacket," their immediate superior on the ground, I guess? As far as I know, he never shows up again. Their battle is interesting, showcasing what each of them does and some personality comes through in how they handle the fighting. Macintosh is inspiring, of course, but that's just what you'd expect from what we already know, and the extreme control is a nice touch. But it's Psalm's introduction that steals the scene, the sniper quietly praying for forgiveness after each shot fired, yet still shooting even as the others are in a pause to talk about how to proceed. This trait was emphasized by how it divided her from the rest of the team, first introduced as it was as Stonewing held back Twist from offering her peppermints due to the pain Psalm was putting herself through. Stonewing, I believe, never says anything, already communicating mostly through gestures like nods and shrugs, and his enthusiasm for Rainbow Dash is established. Twist and Doof have an interesting dynamic, particularly with Twist's combativeness and, frankly, at least a little bit of contempt where he is concerned showing through, which is shared by Stonewing. It's not too much, but they seem to see him as a bit of a joke.
Back in the present, Sekashi and Majina are introduced, but only Sekashi really says anything, but gives her first two stories, the one about the zebra who lost his shoe and the one about those who followed the long-dead king's order to wage war. The latter was some of the more enjoyable exposition lately, since it took an interesting form and also served to characterize Sekashi herself.
The Dealer makes his first appearance, but so far only in dreams, so (especially since I don't think Blackjack's yet used EC-1101) it's probably not yet Echo.
Of course, the really big deal is the send-off, and Blackjack's refusal to be the mine boss's executioner, while also pleading with those who remained to be kind enough not to kill him. P-21 was, it seems, the instigator, or at least the one who decided on the form (death by dozens of bomb collars), and doesn't take Blackjack's response well. It's showing him react more strongly to slavery than he has in the past (at least where it concerned others, rather than himself), since it's so immediately connected to the scene. Interestingly, I don't think Glory ever had a reaction to what P-21 and Blackjack did, at least not in this chapter, which seems a little odd since she's often so opinionated, and I doubt that she wouldn't at least object to the barbarity of the method of execution. (On the plus side where she's concerned, she got some good development, including some backstory about her job, the VC, and Dashites, including a hint that she knew some. These were, in my opinion, less meaningful than her argument with P-21 during Blackjack's surgery and recovery, which did more to really show what she's like when she loses composure and also gave P-21 a chance to show that he appreciated her. Perhaps the fighting was part of why she didn't say anything about the execution later on.) Blackjack worries that P-21 may be going off the deep end even as she tries to become better.
- Chapter Ten Editing:
I hate that I’m so weak I can’t even draw a breath to scream out to the others ‘help them! Even one of them! Save just one if you can, and don’t worry about me.’
Should "help" be capitalized?
Less please. There’s plenty of blood
only one space after the period
“Then go get some!” P-21 snapped.
Should have only one space after the quotation.
but it seemed a century past its warranty. “Sounds like a lot
I looked back him hanging his head. “What are you talking
only one space after the period
This was my screw up, Blackjack.
As a noun, "screwup" is a single word.
“Oh… That is wrong on so many levels, Blackjack.”
second space after ellipsis, or "That" shouldn't be capitalized.
Apparently there was a serial killer in the Hoof.” He reached over and lifted a
only one space after quotation
“What do you want?” the Overmare asked me coldly, brown eyes digging into me.
In chapter one, her eyes "a were [sic] lighter pinkish color [than Blackjack's]."
I muttered with a groan. “I’m sure you’ll have
her before I closed my eyes. Maybe it was the fever;
Well. The Volunteer Corps
only one space after period.
She gave a little shiver; “It is an unpleasant prospect.
I'm not sure it's strictly wrong, but the semicolon seems like an odd choice there, and a period might be more natural.
The rifles at my sides led out a stream of leaden death interspersed with red fire.
"let out"
A ground that became far far closer as the body I was in pulled his… his? -Holy shit… that was definitely a his!- legs and raced
second hyphen, symettrical spacing for dashes?
“Yeah yeah. There’s always
comma after first "yeah"?
We were flying over no pony’s lan,d and there was
"land,"
“Die you striped mooootherfuckaaas!” the gray pony shouted in glee as he painted them with lead.
comma after "Die"?
She made slow, almost mechanical, shots with a long barreled rifle. BLAM!
Only one space after the period.
unicorn staring downhill, her
lips moving softly
I think that there's a hard line break after "her" where there shouldn't be one
“Forget what command says.
“Um… Command again. They want us to hold the hill now.
The independent capitalization of "command" should be the same for both of these. If lower case, then there should be a second space after the ellipsis so "Command" is starting a sentence, or it should be lower case.
ETA 2 minutes. All pegasi are to form up and give support.
"two" should be written out.
“She gave me the wrong memory,” I groaned as I lifted the orb
Should only have one space after quotation, or the quotation should end with a period, not a comma.
“What’s the other way?” I asked as I pointed
should have only one space after quotation
The Boss sent trains through there only on account he didn’t want Gorgon petrifying him.
"Boss" shouldn't be capitalized
fucking good… Yeah!”
second space after ellipsis or "Yeah" shouldn't be capitalized
Fuck fuckity fuck fuck fuck… She lunged for the bed,
second space after ellipsis or "She" shouldn't be capitalized
Please stop… please…” Oh don’t make me try
second space after quotation or "Oh" shouldn't be capitalized
I was able to queue up two attacks: ‘Telekinetic Bullet’
should have only one space after colon
The tracks in the gem mine had the same track gauge as the rail lines,
Is the second "track" necessary, since the context is clear?
‘For all your little ouchies.’
Period to outside of quotation marks? And I don't know if it matters, but in chapter one, it was "hurting ouchies."
The slaves parted in front of me with expressions of awe and concern.
Should that be former slaves, or is the accuracy not worth the wordiness?
aboard and sat with relief. There was just enough room
only one space after period
“Thought it right you give the fucker a send off he deserves.”
It looks like most sources have the noun "send off" hyphenated, or more rarely, a single word, but not really two.
If he’d threatened another I wouldn’t stop fighting him ‘til he gave up.
Should probably be "till," since you use that almost everywhere else
they insisted they follow his orders as well. Any who refused were
three spaces after period
There are many tribes that refuse to fight. So long as they bow
only one space after period
“Can you imagine anything more terrible?” she countered. For a zebra like that, I had to conclude that I really couldn’t think of any.
Since I'm not sure there's anything the "any" refers to (e.g. "responses," "greetings"), should it be "anything"?
and I more and more reserved. Our friendship had barely set
only one space after period
Its frozen grin said quietly: Ante up.
I'm not sure "Ante up" should be capitalized.
“Shouldn’t we fall back, then?” asked a sober sounding buck draped head to hoof in a flack jacket.
"flak"
- Other Chapter Editing:
1:
The Overmare’s white hide was a little more dingy than mine, and her eyes a were lighter pinkish color.
either "a lighter pinkish" or "were a lighter pinkish"
47:
‘Til the boss mare said ‘Well-uh bless my soul!”
This one's more debatable, since it's in a song, but it's still a little odd that it would be " 'til" rather than "till" as is the use almost everywhere else.
53:
The door opened with a hiss, and two huge sentries, perhaps the earliest ultra-sentinels, rolled forward from their access.
"Ultra-Sentinels" should probably be capitalized
59:
You used dragons. We made Raptors. We made power armor. You make armor piercing bullets. We made megaspells. You made balefire bombs. We made Thunderheads. You made Tempests.
All the others are "made"
64:
“Echo, how long do you think we have ‘till Horizons goes off?”
No apostrophe for "till"
I'd say so, but then, I do have my reputation for a reason.Icy Shake wrote:Is the second "track" necessary, since the context is clear?
Also, wow, Brunel gauge minecarts? From the later descriptions of the flatbeds only holding one or two ponies, I imagine that they're shorter than they are wide.
O. Hinds- Zebra Engineer
- Posts : 4863
Brohoof! : 383
Join date : 2012-05-09
Character List:
Name: Ris Haends Aeronauticus
Sex: Male
Species: Zebra
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Using "child" in a loose sense, anyway...Evilgidgit wrote:A lot of people on here speculate that Rampage is in fact Peppermint, a possible child of Twist and Shujaa.
That's my theory, yes. It's not confirmed at this point. We currently have corpses for the last two known carriers of the Phoenix Talisman, so "Who is Rampage's body?" is still an open question. That said, her being a blank would explain why she described herself as "completely clueless" after those ghouls pulled her out of Miramare crater.Silver136 wrote:That's what I thought. Well I've been rereading again and in chapter 50 while Rampage is having her existential crisis, Lac says that at least 3 of Rampages others think Boo is their daughter. Isn't Peppermint supposed to be a blank of Twist and Shujaa?
If Twist and Shujaa are two of the three who think Boo is their daughter, that makes a lot of sense. Doc Ock mentioned grandkids, so he's a possiblity, but his own children being Boo's age should have been so distant by the time he died that it wouldn't be the uppermost thing on his mind. On the other hoof, we know Officer Softheart had a daughter, and since she killed herself to protect her daughter from Nurse Candy, that would have been consuming her thoughts at the moment of death. So I strongly suspect that's our third.
Speaking of which, Hinds, there's a missing comma in chapter 31.
She put her hooves on my shoulders. “No my dear. I’m sorry. I’m sorry we didn’t work things out.
Should be "No, my dear."
I agree with Shake, if you don't mind my two bits.O. Hinds wrote:I'd say so, but then, I do have my reputation for a reason.Icy Shake wrote:Is the second "track" necessary, since the context is clear?
SilentCarto- Alicorn
- Posts : 1585
Brohoof! : 393
Join date : 2012-05-08
Age : 45
Location : Texas
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Ah, thank you.SilentCarto wrote:Speaking of which, Hinds, there's a missing comma in chapter 31.
…Except that I think you must be working from an earlier copy. The comma's already there, and the chapter was last modified on January 1st, according to Gdocs.
Aye, aye, I made the change. Most people, well, now that I think of it, most people probably don't even know what "gauge" can mean in relation to permanent way engineering… or what permanent way engineering is. I was just pointing out that, for me personally, the distinction between saying "track gauge" and "gauge" there is a meaningful one. :)SilentCarto wrote:I agree with Shake, if you don't mind my two bits.
O. Hinds- Zebra Engineer
- Posts : 4863
Brohoof! : 383
Join date : 2012-05-09
Character List:
Name: Ris Haends Aeronauticus
Sex: Male
Species: Zebra
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
That I am. Should have checked, sorry...O. Hinds wrote:Ah, thank you.SilentCarto wrote:Speaking of which, Hinds, there's a missing comma in chapter 31.
…Except that I think you must be working from an earlier copy. The comma's already there, and the chapter was last modified on January 1st, according to Gdocs.
SilentCarto- Alicorn
- Posts : 1585
Brohoof! : 393
Join date : 2012-05-08
Age : 45
Location : Texas
O. Hinds- Zebra Engineer
- Posts : 4863
Brohoof! : 383
Join date : 2012-05-09
Character List:
Name: Ris Haends Aeronauticus
Sex: Male
Species: Zebra
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Sigh... got banned from TvTropes...
Somber- Hydra
- Posts : 538
Brohoof! : 1046
Join date : 2012-05-09
O. Hinds- Zebra Engineer
- Posts : 4863
Brohoof! : 383
Join date : 2012-05-09
Character List:
Name: Ris Haends Aeronauticus
Sex: Male
Species: Zebra
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
That sucks...how'd that happen?Somber wrote:Sigh... got banned from TvTropes...
Silver136- Ursa Minor
- Posts : 435
Brohoof! : 24
Join date : 2013-11-19
Character List:
Name: Silver Shroud
Sex: Male
Species: Pegasus
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Mostly due to a guy named Seraphem, who constantly bashes Horizons. Not a big deal in and of itself. I mean, 4chan has people who specialize in bashing it. The difference is every one of them has at least read some of it. Seraphem hasn't, and more importantly, has said that he will never read it... which is fine... except that he's always bashing it. This weekend's been REALLY bad for me, so I got fed up and called him on his passive aggressive games... and I used some foul language... and got banned. End of story. For good.
Somber- Hydra
- Posts : 538
Brohoof! : 1046
Join date : 2012-05-09
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
I'll put it this way: what I learn from it is that institutions that will tolerate immense quantities of passive aggression needn't react the same way to the (intended) aggressive aggressive response from the people the passive aggression was directed at. It's disappointing, but sometimes the trolls win when nothing in particular is provable as trolling, especially when there's TRUE BELIEF (both types, but seriously, the opening quotation and first two paragraphs describe the guy to a tee) involved as well.Somber wrote:Mostly due to a guy named Seraphem, who constantly bashes Horizons. Not a big deal in and of itself. I mean, 4chan has people who specialize in bashing it. The difference is every one of them has at least read some of it. Seraphem hasn't, and more importantly, has said that he will never read it... which is fine... except that he's always bashing it. This weekend's been REALLY bad for me, so I got fed up and called him on his passive aggressive games... and I used some foul language... and got banned. End of story. For good.
What stunned me, though—what I seriously couldn't believe—was how it seems that he may have based a good portion of his hatred for the story on the entirely fallacious belief that the warning in chapter thirty three was added after the fact, not before publication.
Icy Shake- Alicorn
- Posts : 1209
Brohoof! : 308
Join date : 2012-06-05
Age : 35
Location : Boston, MA
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Sigh... Okay, I can kind of understand it, I guess, by comparing it to my own thoughts on Twilight (which I've not read and do not intend to), but I freely admit that I'm not qualified to critique the details and don't go around ending every speech with "and I also believe that Twilight is a bad series". At least read the thing if you're going to be intensely attacking it.
And you got permanently banned for one bit of foul language, while they had no problem allowing Seraphem's constant attacks? Am I being paranoid to think that this may have been a plot against you?
And you got permanently banned for one bit of foul language, while they had no problem allowing Seraphem's constant attacks? Am I being paranoid to think that this may have been a plot against you?
O. Hinds- Zebra Engineer
- Posts : 4863
Brohoof! : 383
Join date : 2012-05-09
Character List:
Name: Ris Haends Aeronauticus
Sex: Male
Species: Zebra
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
O. Hinds wrote:Sigh... Okay, I can kind of understand it, I guess, by comparing it to my own thoughts on Twilight (which I've not read and do not intend to), but I freely admit that I'm not qualified to critique the details and don't go around ending every speech with "and I also believe that Twilight is a bad series". At least read the thing if you're going to be intensely attacking it.
And you got permanently banned for one bit of foul language, while they had no problem allowing Seraphem's constant attacks? Am I being paranoid to think that this may have been a plot against you?
- Diversion on Twilight:
- I've never read the books, but did see at least the first two movies. For the second one, the next day I thought that I had been blackout drunk for most of the movie. But over the course of the day, I realized that the reason I didn't remember much from the movie was because nothing worthwhile happened in the whole film.
He's very good at portraying himself as a victim ("panic attacks," notably—which admittedly are a fine reason for him not to read the story, but are by no means a basis for claiming the story is bad as opposed to a bad one for him to read), and as the least sane man in the room, it often appears that he's being unfairly ganged up on when, frankly, the mere fact that he is part of a minority does not mean that he is being oppressed.
Last edited by Icy Shake on Mon Mar 10, 2014 11:52 pm; edited 1 time in total
Icy Shake- Alicorn
- Posts : 1209
Brohoof! : 308
Join date : 2012-06-05
Age : 35
Location : Boston, MA
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
*hugs Somber very gently* i'm sorry, sir...
WavemasterRyx- Hydra
- Posts : 599
Brohoof! : 376
Join date : 2012-05-09
Age : 39
Location : Happyhorn Gardens
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Good. TVTropes is a shitty website that tricks people into thinking they know how to talk about books. The most agonizing thing is when someone brings up "a trope" in a lit crit or creative writing class. Urkgh.
Guest- Guest
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
-unrelated question- What kind of engineer are you?swicked wrote:As an engineer, I took my last creative writing class long, long before TV Tropes was even imagined.Overlong Analysis Cobalt wrote:Good. TVTropes is a shitty website that tricks people into thinking they know how to talk about books. The most agonizing thing is when someone brings up "a trope" in a lit crit or creative writing class. Urkgh.
But I can imagine the annoyance.
Exodus Hero- Stallion/Mare
- Posts : 89
Brohoof! : 15
Join date : 2013-01-17
Location : Middle Earth 2!
Character List:
Name: Penny Dust
Sex: Male
Species: Filthy Mud Pony
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Also unrelated, but that's actually what I plan to do too! Any recommendations?swicked wrote:Degrees in computer engineering and electrical engineering. Starting mid-highschool everything was pretty much just math, math, math.Exodus Hero wrote:-unrelated question- What kind of engineer are you?swicked wrote:As an engineer, I took my last creative writing class long, long before TV Tropes was even imagined.Overlong Analysis Cobalt wrote:Good. TVTropes is a shitty website that tricks people into thinking they know how to talk about books. The most agonizing thing is when someone brings up "a trope" in a lit crit or creative writing class. Urkgh.
But I can imagine the annoyance.
Silver136- Ursa Minor
- Posts : 435
Brohoof! : 24
Join date : 2013-11-19
Character List:
Name: Silver Shroud
Sex: Male
Species: Pegasus
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Computer engineering. I suppose advice would have been a better word.swicked wrote:...for what?Silver136 wrote:Also unrelated, but that's actually what I plan to do too! Any recommendations?swicked wrote:Degrees in computer engineering and electrical engineering. Starting mid-highschool everything was pretty much just math, math, math.Exodus Hero wrote:-unrelated question- What kind of engineer are you?swicked wrote:As an engineer, I took my last creative writing class long, long before TV Tropes was even imagined.Overlong Analysis Cobalt wrote:Good. TVTropes is a shitty website that tricks people into thinking they know how to talk about books. The most agonizing thing is when someone brings up "a trope" in a lit crit or creative writing class. Urkgh.
But I can imagine the annoyance.
Silver136- Ursa Minor
- Posts : 435
Brohoof! : 24
Join date : 2013-11-19
Character List:
Name: Silver Shroud
Sex: Male
Species: Pegasus
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
@cobalt
Care to give an example? I'm partially guilty of bringing tropes into a classroom setting, though it was for a video game analysis course, rather than traditional Eng Lit / Creative Writing. Also, what's a creative writing course like? Never managed to get into one.
@swicked
Nice. My college doesn't have an EE degree, unfortunately, so the closest I got to that was taking physics courses for fun. Stoped being fun when expected to memorized a couple dozen formulae and when to use each. How are those classes like? I might consider getting an EE degree eventually, after I'm done with Comp Sci.
Also... why is this even in this thread? I thought the chat thread existed for a reason. *shrugs*
Care to give an example? I'm partially guilty of bringing tropes into a classroom setting, though it was for a video game analysis course, rather than traditional Eng Lit / Creative Writing. Also, what's a creative writing course like? Never managed to get into one.
@swicked
Nice. My college doesn't have an EE degree, unfortunately, so the closest I got to that was taking physics courses for fun. Stoped being fun when expected to memorized a couple dozen formulae and when to use each. How are those classes like? I might consider getting an EE degree eventually, after I'm done with Comp Sci.
Also... why is this even in this thread? I thought the chat thread existed for a reason. *shrugs*
OneMoreDaySK- Alicorn
- Posts : 1698
Brohoof! : 56
Join date : 2012-05-14
Character List:
Name: Alouette
Sex: Female
Species: Unicorn
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
The chat thread and this thread have gone their separate ways, a bit. I don't really mind, personally, as the chat thread was specifically done to shunt off ultraspammy discussions of the chain-pun sort. Anyway, the tropery usually doesn't happen in high level crit lit courses, at least, but in lower level ones you sometimes get someone going on and on about how Dickens' character X is a Mary Sue, and it's like - well, yeah, probably. So what? Go deeper. Notice the pattern that the middle-class passive woman is portrayed as a saint but the lower-class active woman is actively demonized and her sexuality linked with violence, stuff like that. The problem seems to be that people use them as shortcuts to nowhere - in place of explanation and critical thinking, they invoke a "trope," and then they don't do anything with it. It's one of those situations where I get embarrassed for being someone that uses the internet.OneMoreDaySK wrote:@cobalt
Care to give an example? I'm partially guilty of bringing tropes into a classroom setting, though it was for a video game analysis course, rather than traditional Eng Lit / Creative Writing. Also, what's a creative writing course like? Never managed to get into one.
@swicked
Nice. My college doesn't have an EE degree, unfortunately, so the closest I got to that was taking physics courses for fun. Stoped being fun when expected to memorized a couple dozen formulae and when to use each. How are those classes like? I might consider getting an EE degree eventually, after I'm done with Comp Sci.
Also... why is this even in this thread? I thought the chat thread existed for a reason. *shrugs*
As for creative writing classes, they tend to be about as good as the students in them. Workshopping has had many criticisms leveled at it, mostly from people that had bad experiences with it, and IMO it requires a specific mindset - you need to be very open to criticism, but you also need to be able to tell when a classmate's advice just isn't worth taking. Ideally, you work with smart and talented students to read one another's work and give impressions and advice; this is valuable because you have a guaranteed audience, and because reading other novice writers' work can help you identify things you want to avoid doing in your own writing. It usually works best with smaller class sizes, so that students can really engage one another's minds during peer review and go in-depth about their thoughts on a piece. When it doesn't work so well, you sometimes end up with neophytes to genre fiction suddenly understanding the appeal of an imagined world, and deciding that the first chapter of an urban fantasy piece needs to lay out literally every single facet of how magic works in that world because they wanted to know more about it. Oh, and the other thing is that some really basic entry-level problems some young writers have are basically impossible to correct - having a very limited grasp of grammar, for instance, or having a boring voice, or letting their ideological views coat everything they write. Also, sometimes people worship Raymond Carver and want everyone's writing style to be like his. This is a pet peeve of mine, because when I try to emulate Raymond Carver I inevitably end up parodying Raymond Carver, because his style is hilarious and ripe for parody. Overall, though, I've found them to be quite good and helpful - if nothing else, they get you to be productive, and often they've opened me up to new styles.
Guest- Guest
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
...swicked i swear im going to stab you. that goddamn Celestia picture is bugging me. -_-
neoaustin- Colt/Filly
- Posts : 27
Brohoof! : 6
Join date : 2014-03-07
Age : 27
Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
It changes, if you're referring to the one in the signature! Tres cool.neoaustin wrote:...swicked i swear im going to stab you. that goddamn Celestia picture is bugging me. -_-
Guest- Guest
Page 24 of 32 • 1 ... 13 ... 23, 24, 25 ... 28 ... 32
Similar topics
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Page 24 of 32
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum