Sister forum[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Fri Jan 10, 2014 8:50 pm
Good luck, dude!
Guest- Guest
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by WavemasterRyx Fri Jan 10, 2014 10:41 pm
*hugs very gently* I have every confidence that it'll be a good chapter.Somber wrote:Sigh... okay. 63 is mostly done. Trying something different so hopefully I pull it off.
I'm really sorry things still aren't going well with your employment though... I really do hope you'll be alright, sir.
edit re-post: Also, hopefully maybe this will make you smile just a little: http://wavemasterryx.tumblr.com/post/72930115766
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Fri Jan 10, 2014 10:47 pm
Hee! :DWavemasterRyx wrote:*hugs very gently* I have every confidence that it'll be a good chapter.Somber wrote:Sigh... okay. 63 is mostly done. Trying something different so hopefully I pull it off.
I'm really sorry things still aren't going well with your employment though... I really do hope you'll be alright, sir.
edit re-post: Also, hopefully maybe this will make you smile just a little: http://wavemasterryx.tumblr.com/post/72930115766
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vergil Sat Jan 11, 2014 3:28 am
Best of luck to you, Somber.
More from 54: "Wisps and vapors curled around us as we moved slowly along the road up the towards the clusters of reinforced buildings."
In the same paragraph, "The detritus almost like a scrapyard, there was so much ruin."
More from 54: "Wisps and vapors curled around us as we moved slowly along the road up the towards the clusters of reinforced buildings."
In the same paragraph, "The detritus almost like a scrapyard, there was so much ruin."
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sat Jan 11, 2014 3:47 am
Ah, thank you.Vergil wrote:Best of luck to you, Somber.
More from 54: "Wisps and vapors curled around us as we moved slowly along the road up the towards the clusters of reinforced buildings."
In the same paragraph, "The detritus almost like a scrapyard, there was so much ruin."
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by FoolNeim Sat Jan 11, 2014 5:33 am
Somber wrote:Poorly. I'm almost broke and I won't get my first paycheck till the 15th. But I subbed 4/5 days this week, which is good. I need to sub 20 days a month to make my expenses. So I'll probably be a little short this month, but hopefully it won't be too bad... I hope.
As for the subbing, it's been fine. two days at a middle school, two at a high school, no biggie. I'm sure I'll screw up eventually... >.> Right now I'm trying to get some english job applications together, but they require a passport... which is another 145 dollars for a passport book. Sigh... So I'll fudge that part of the application and if they'll give me a job, THEN I'll get it. ::Crosses fingers.::
Sent a small tip (I r working class atm). Forgot to say it was a tip jar tip. Hopefully you get enough tips this month to cover whatever you don't get from subbing. You know, tutoring can be decent work, if you can network that (hardest part). Or tutoring through a learning center or agency.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by FoolNeim Sat Jan 11, 2014 6:05 am
Also, I finally read Chapter 62b, I'd sort of been preoccupied with other stuff before getting around to it. 'Twas a very good chapter, and I very well paced.
I'm really bad at in-depth critiques, especially when I find something generally quite entertaining, so I thought I'd just give some general feedback.
Since the chapters often come out a month or more apart, I'll often lose track of the names of all the more minor characters like Sky Striker or even Afterburner or whoever.
I was just thinking it might be good if you or one of the editors added like a glossary of important characters every few chapters (with their description and roles as of the time of the chapter) so people can get a better grip on what's what. Or maybe that's what the wiki's for and I'm really lazy.
Also, I really will be sad if there's only 3 more chapters. I figure the final "volume" won't be nearly as long as the others, but it seems like that's way too short to tie up everything.
Also, I know this is selfish but I kind of would like a somewhat happy ending for the principal characters after everything they've been through. I think the best ending would be for Blackjack to not have to sacrifice her life, so that she lives long enough to forgive herself naturally, for the all the weight she feels. Feels like it would take more than 3 chapters to accomplish both a gigantic finale and Blackjack finding some peace without forcing it on herself with a bullet.
I'm really bad at in-depth critiques, especially when I find something generally quite entertaining, so I thought I'd just give some general feedback.
Since the chapters often come out a month or more apart, I'll often lose track of the names of all the more minor characters like Sky Striker or even Afterburner or whoever.
I was just thinking it might be good if you or one of the editors added like a glossary of important characters every few chapters (with their description and roles as of the time of the chapter) so people can get a better grip on what's what. Or maybe that's what the wiki's for and I'm really lazy.
Also, I really will be sad if there's only 3 more chapters. I figure the final "volume" won't be nearly as long as the others, but it seems like that's way too short to tie up everything.
Also, I know this is selfish but I kind of would like a somewhat happy ending for the principal characters after everything they've been through. I think the best ending would be for Blackjack to not have to sacrifice her life, so that she lives long enough to forgive herself naturally, for the all the weight she feels. Feels like it would take more than 3 chapters to accomplish both a gigantic finale and Blackjack finding some peace without forcing it on herself with a bullet.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Evilgidgit Sat Jan 11, 2014 6:46 am
Go show them who is awesome, Somber! And we all graciously look forward to this new chapter. 
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Silver136 Sat Jan 11, 2014 10:22 am
Best of luck to you Somber. I really hope you can get some decent work, and money along with it. Also really excited for the next chapter, though I do kind of agree with Foolneim that three chapters seems a little short to tie everything up.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vergil Sat Jan 11, 2014 11:06 am
More from 54: "Something he was putting on because Lancer forced him too."
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Sat Jan 11, 2014 1:45 pm
I wish you the best of luck with your continued search, Somber. I hope something steady works out soon.
so to see within cells you'd have to download the file(turns out that only applies to nonnative files hosted on drive) so direct editing isn't.
Editing:
19: I thought about Arloste laying with Thorn between her hooves in the garage.
"Laying" to "lying," I believe.
Well, it's far from comprehensive, and particularly weak in the single-digit chapters and from forty to fifty eight, but this may at least help: my character spreadsheet. (Incidentally, this prompted me to finally clean it up and sort it a bit this morning.) Comments are enabled on the document, should anyone want to suggest corrections or additions, but I want to keep versions consistent,FoolNeim wrote:Since the chapters often come out a month or more apart, I'll often lose track of the names of all the more minor characters like Sky Striker or even Afterburner or whoever.
I was just thinking it might be good if you or one of the editors added like a glossary of important characters every few chapters (with their description and roles as of the time of the chapter) so people can get a better grip on what's what. Or maybe that's what the wiki's for and I'm really lazy.
I kind of feel the same way, but I'd hardly be amazed if it ended up being more than that (think chapters thirty five to thirty nine, which were meant to be one chapter, or Hightower, which ended being up, I think, three) or exceptionally long ones (like sixty two). It'll be sad to see it end, but I'm expecting great things from the last volume.FoolNeim wrote:Also, I really will be sad if there's only 3 more chapters. I figure the final "volume" won't be nearly as long as the others, but it seems like that's way too short to tie up everything.
Editing:
19: I thought about Arloste laying with Thorn between her hooves in the garage.
"Laying" to "lying," I believe.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sat Jan 11, 2014 2:28 pm
Vergil wrote:More from 54: "Something he was putting on because Lancer forced him too."
Ah, thank you both.Icy Shake wrote:I wish you the best of luck with your continued search, Somber. I hope something steady works out soon.Well, it's far from comprehensive, and particularly weak in the single-digit chapters and from forty to fifty eight, but this may at least help: my character spreadsheet. (Incidentally, this prompted me to finally clean it up and sort it a bit this morning.) Comments are enabled on the document, should anyone want to suggest corrections or additions, but I want to keep versions consistent,FoolNeim wrote:Since the chapters often come out a month or more apart, I'll often lose track of the names of all the more minor characters like Sky Striker or even Afterburner or whoever.
I was just thinking it might be good if you or one of the editors added like a glossary of important characters every few chapters (with their description and roles as of the time of the chapter) so people can get a better grip on what's what. Or maybe that's what the wiki's for and I'm really lazy.so to see within cells you'd have to download the file(turns out that only applies to nonnative files hosted on drive) so direct editing isn't.I kind of feel the same way, but I'd hardly be amazed if it ended up being more than that (think chapters thirty five to thirty nine, which were meant to be one chapter, or Hightower, which ended being up, I think, three) or exceptionally long ones (like sixty two). It'll be sad to see it end, but I'm expecting great things from the last volume.FoolNeim wrote:Also, I really will be sad if there's only 3 more chapters. I figure the final "volume" won't be nearly as long as the others, but it seems like that's way too short to tie up everything.
Editing:
19: I thought about Arloste laying with Thorn between her hooves in the garage.
"Laying" to "lying," I believe.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Rayndalf Sat Jan 11, 2014 8:47 pm
WavemasterRyx wrote:
edit re-post: Also, hopefully maybe this will make you smile just a little: http://wavemasterryx.tumblr.com/post/72930115766
Reminds me of this scene in Robot Chicken...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c3NRcRJC8Yg#t=2m55s
Trickledown Economics and Reaganomics are the same thing, right?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Sun Jan 12, 2014 4:03 am
Eh, close enough for many (most?) purposes.Rayndalf wrote:Trickledown Economics and Reaganomics are the same thing, right?
With the end of the story so close, I thought I'd swing back to the front end for a while, since I've never done a close editing/error-spotting pass on the first nine chapters. And I hit a decent break point as well, so no time like the present.
- Chapter One Running Thoughts:
- It had consumed our home, a war fought by foreign aggressors until great and terrible magics had been unleashed to burn all the world to ash and dust.
I like the heavy deflection and denial this starts out with: the war wasn't fought with foreign aggressors, and note the use of the passive voice regarding the unleashing of the terrible magics.
Trotting down to the showers, I passed the murals designed to inspire camaraderie and cooperation… at least, according to what I’d been constantly taught in classes.
Convergent evolution, or reference to FoE? You decide!
Walking past a stall, I glanced in at two mares employing unauthorized and probably ineffective washing techniques.
Now, as has been pointed out before, they are in an authoritarian society, but wow: they enumerated the authorized washing techniques?
In theory, I was supposed to discourage this kind of thing. However, it fucking sucked being the mare who was supposed to discourage this kind of thing.
Well, there's something that never changes.
With the constant duty and honor bullshit, a little flank spank was one of the few reliable means of recreation, and a lot of the security mares got really... enthusiastic about it.
Things assuming everyone is female, before the
reveal: 1.
Every filly learned that as soon as they could read;
2
Four hundred and something were covered by mares like myself who inherited our jobs from our mothers. My mom was security. I was security. When I had my daughter, she would be security.
3
In the rare event of a mare dying before she could breed, a lottery would be held for some other mare to produce an extra filly for the spot.
4. Note, too, that having a son isn't considered breeding.
When Stable-Tec made the stable, clearly they hadn’t had mares of her size in mind.
Ironic, considering the brother of the highest ranking architect.
All the way back to the legendary Card Trick, the one who’d carved ‘Security: We Save Ponies’ above the entrance to the security level. Hurray for completely irrational expectations! I knew I’d never save 99.
I feel like there's a lot going on here, starting with the fact that Blackjack will before long make this one of her rules to live by (if anything taking the expectation to an even greater extent of irrationality than it was meant to be). But more, there's how she misses the point that it's not always about saving everyone, but making the effort for anyone; there's also how this starts being shown even before Deus arrives, when Blackjack stands up for P-21.
I’d witnessed enough to know I didn’t want to drop a name… besides, I’d already tried it once. Never worked for the ponies who deserved it.
And, if I remember correctly, we already got to see the fruits of that attempt.
“Which means you’re intelligent. Skilled! That you possess far more competence than a lowly security pony like myself!” I said as she hesitated. I almost had her convinced! “I’ll pay you in oral sex!” I blurted.
Almost there, then ruined by impulsively plowing ahead without thinking things through. I'm sure this trait could have been established in another way, but why would anyone want to?
I’ve got a hundred and fifty maintenance mares to manage and I’ve got a hole on the C shift and she’s got to fill it
5
The security head was Gin Rummy, a middle-aged unicorn who still looked better than several of the younger mares. Her purple and red striped mane contrasted well with her lavender coat and bright pink eyes, and those pink eyes looked right at me with immediate disapproval the second I hobbled in.
. . .
She’d been head of security for longer than I’d been alive, and I’d never known her to not be organized, confident, and secure in her knowledge of what was going on in Stable 99.
. . .
Gin Rummy just sighed and looked at me with a slow, disappointed shake of her head. Still, wasn’t much she could do.
Interesting that the first thing we learn about Gin Rummy besides 1) her job and 2) what she looks like (and there, the transition makes it so that the physical description flows into the relationship) is that she is 3) disapproving of Blackjack. 4) is that she is "organized, confident, and secure in her knowledge . . . " which, come to think of it, sounds much like another lavender unicorn. 5) is that her feelings regarding Blackjack also include "disappoint[ment]" and resignation. So Blackjack's issues are being set up, but the full impact of them won't be felt until the next step happens. Also, not to read too much into it, but how many people, in this situation, would first comment on how the person looked compared to the others in the room, or single out complementary features?
In other news, medical reports that we’re missing a male. There’s a new P-21 to round up for retirement, but he hasn’t reported back after his last breeding assignment.
And there it is.
I tried my best not to squirm. Damn it, why were hoofcuffs so hard to get out of?
First joke to make me laugh aloud.
Technically, every unicorn, much less every security unicorn, was supposed to be able to do a whole slew of spells that I couldn’t. Maybe Mom would get lucky and outlive me. One thing was sure: the second I became head security mare, Stable 99 was doomed.
It's not too blatant, but I didn't remember Blackjack's grim-mindedness beginning this early. The poor self-esteem, sure, but not that. Also, there's how she thinks even of herself first as an object for the utility of others, though frankly given the state of her environment that does make sense.
“Don’t worry about it, Mom. I can handle it,” I said, trying to put on my big girl look. Okay, I was definitely old enough to have it by default, but she always looked at me like I was her little blank flank… when there was nopony else around to see, of course. Thank the Goddesses.
Nice to see a softer side of the relationship, even if it makes Blackjack appear kind of . . . adolescent. (In many ways she is, of course.)
On that note, it's interesting that Blackjack thinks of the Overmare as a filly, not a mare, despite the fact she's only a year younger than Blackjack herself. Then again, it might be less of a literal thing, and more to contrast her childishness than her age with her responsibility.
Manufacturing equipment, storeroom after locked storeroom, and, of course, all the little hidden fun spots: the makeshift stills, the love nests, and the nooks for gambling.
Ah, so there was alcohol in 99.
If there was an Incident between the Overmare and maintenance… well, I knew which side had all the guns and which side knew how to keep the stable alive...
Works all the better with the memory of the war overhanging the rest. What comes after the victory or defeat matters, and that this is something Blackjack already knows saves a lot of time.
I entered in the P-21’s PipBuck address, but the little icon twitched around spasmodically.
It came up earlier, but only struck me now how good having him be "the P-21" is.
It wasn’t like bucks knew how to get into food stores and the like. They just bred. That was all they knew, all they needed to know.
Right?
I should say, looking back, just how easily I fell into thinking everything just like Blackjack did, on this front. With, sure, the overlay of "well, desperate times," but all the same, it took time for me to see things P-21's way, which frankly is frightening. Hopefully it's nothing more than the first-person narration and a high capacity for suspension of disbelief, so long as internal consistency is maintained. Granted, depending on the timing (sometime in the summer or early fall of 2011), I might have read the first released version, which could have played a role, too.
Oh… I tried to think up some creative profanity but… eh… I got nothing.
Unlike before, there's no way that wasn't parody.
I was glad that Mom would probably last forever. I didn’t know how I’d handle the stable with her gone.
Perhaps this is more childlike than adolescent. But always reinforcing her lack of confidence and related desire not to be responsible.
And, just as I was getting a nice batch of self-pity whipped up, I stepped right in a puddle of leaking sewage.
Well, you'll get plenty of chances later.
She made it a half dozen steps out the door before my glowing stick swept her legs right out from under her. As she went down, I jumped on her back and was amazed when she went completely still.
Starting the signs of how he'd been conditioned early.
“Um. It’s not my place to kill you. I’m not an executioner. You’re going to be… ah… retired.”
An inauspicious beginning for her mantra.
I tried to grin and put him at ease, because bucks sometimes did stupid things. It wouldn’t be the first time one attacked me without provocation.
And we have the blindness, almost innocence, of her position and her upbringing.
Just do nothing, Blackjack. Don’t think about it…
Don’t think about it. Don’t think about the thumps and the cries and the sobs and the begging.
No.
Security saves ponies.
I looked at the pair beating him in glee and charged Marmalade first.
It's a little thing, but even small changes matter. And the more revealing because Blackjack had every intention for him to "be retired" soon, anyway.
And one more thing I could do with telekinesis: with another thought, I triggered my PipBuck’s ‘Stable-Tec Assisted Targeting System’. The S.A.T.S. was a magical spell that momentarily slowed time almost to a stop and let me line up my attacks perfectly.
Interesting. It's implied here that S.A.T.S. is manually activated, and thus much more useful to unicorns since they can do that without moving. Also, I'm glad that the "the" was quickly dropped, as although it makes sense in many sentences if the acronym is decompressed, it just feels clunky.
Even if he was slated for retirement, he didn’t have to die like that! Nopony should have to die like that. Period.
This is one principled stance that Blackjack quickly loses. To wit: feeding a pony through a rock crusher (at least there there weren't many other options) and feeding a pony to a raider as a means of getting information.
“One day, I’m going to have your fucking head on a stick, Blackjack. Promise you that.”
Well then. Not quite, but close.
Somehow, though, I always figured they had their own names in their quarters. Names were like cutie marks; everypony had them, even males. Then again, looking at the breeding mark on his flank...
So, there are signs of cognitive dissonance even now.
“Here. Eat this,” I said as I pressed the carrot-flavored medicine to his lips.
"Medicine." Right. Also, how does she know its flavor?
That was the law. A stupid-ass law, but my mom always honored the law. Sometimes she seemed a little neurotic about it, actually, and a sneaky conversation between the Overmare and a dead maintenance mare didn’t seem like anything that would get her to violate the law.
More family resemblance?
You’ve been… nice. One of three. And so I’m telling you… don’t trust her.
Who were the other two who were nice to P-21? Of course, there's a high probability they aren't even named characters, so it may not mean much.
“I… I suppose I could throw an encryption on it. Something she can’t crack till she promises to let us out…” she mulled softly. “Maybe make the password that name you liked so much…”
Maybe the real name of his old lover? At any rate, would have been useful for that to have stuck in his mind. Also, everyone sucks at computer security. But I guess that's not so unrealistic, is it?
He was a smart pony who knew about locks and terminals and, despite being a male, probably a lot of other things I didn’t. Great, even the males were better than me. Enough of that! Now was definitely not the time for self-pity.
But I though Blackjack always found time for self-pity. Also, the positive parts of what she'd always learned seem to be falling quickly once she gets the chance to see that they are wrong; of course, the normative components can't be overturned quite so simply, since they aren't mere matters of fact.
Oh, how I hoped I’d be right back with Mom and all of A and B shifts behind me.
C shift has Daisy, the sadist; Marigold, the idiot; and Blackjack, the incompetent, out of only ten mares. Was C shift the dumping ground for the worst security mares? It would make sense, since the stable's largely dead during it.
Since we couldn’t break its encryption, I had it bundled for transfer to a PipBuck.
I'd say that this train of logic doesn't follow, but I guess it does, in the sense that it's a way to say "Well, we did something," even if that something is in no way related to the goal.
Rearing up, she slammed me to the ground next to U-10’s body with enough force to make me see stars.
Ah, the persistence of language.
I looked at the bloody PipBuck on the murderess’s foreleg; it was from Stable 99, and from the gore covering most of it, I doubted it had been removed or donned with a key.
Normally I'm fairly inured to the violence, but this got a bit of a disgusted reaction.
Of course, as good as my stick was, a gun was better. Sadly, the shotgun was out of commission; the broken butt had bent and unseated the breech.
There was a bit about target practice earlier in the chapter, but this is showing early on that Blackjack knows more than just how to point and shoot and reload.
I didn’t understand these ponies, if they really were ponies and not some sort of mutant pony-shaped predators of some sort. They reeked. They seemed to revel in bloodshed.
Understanding, though, will come soon enough.
“Nopony kills ponies in my stable,” Mom said firmly, her sidearm floating precisely over her eye.
Oh, I can't blame the lady for a little imprecision here, but it is a little rich coming from someone who just killed a pony.
“Blackjack.” Mom’s voice cut through all that, and I tore myself away from the blown-open corpse. “We still have a stable to save.” Her calm words were a layer of concrete across the closet door in my mind. As much as I’d love to fall apart, I couldn’t. Not now. Not in front of her. Even if I was the worst security pony in Equestria, my stable was in danger.
For all her disappointment, Gin Rummy still trusts her daughter to be a part of the defense. This doesn't end with "so stay out of the way." And the way it clears Blackjack's mind and she stresses she didn't want to fall apart in front of her brings it back around to how much Blackjacks wants not to disappoint her, for all that she's despaired of achieving that.
Damn it, if I’d just been faster I could have… done… done something!
Plus ça change . . .
“Don’t be ridiculous, Blackjack. It’s certain death outside,” Mom retorted immediately.
“It’s pretty reliable death in here, Mom. Erm… I mean… Miss Head Security Mare… ma’am…” I fumbled, blushing a little. She swept me up in a hug. Okay, now I was blushing a lot. She quickly let me go, reddening herself. Mom never was very good with being Mom.
Does this feel like a little bit of what could have, what should have been slipping through?
I felt like a two bit trick pony. The only good thing was that it covered my cutie mark. There was no way I could mimic the two gold coins on the dead mare’s rump.
Apart from the pun, why would she have a defunct currency as a cutie mark (and name)?
One of the filthy, yellow-eyed ponies was pinning her down and raping her, her mouth and flanks bloody.
. . .
“I told you,” she sobbed as she lay like limp meat, blood streaking her muzzle and flanks alike. As much as I didn’t want to get blown into pony pieces, I’d take it over that.
Not hard to see why. Of course, the one becomes regular, the other . . . well, it only took once.
The reinforced casing smacked his head once, twice… thrice. Finally, he went down in a quaking ball; not concussed but too traumatized at the moment to bring shit down on me.
Now, I don't think it was the intention here, but this reminds me of how Littlepip left Stable Two, knocking out the two security guards by dropping something on their heads. Presumably with less idea of how much force would cause a concussion and less practice in all forms of combat. And they were just doing their jobs, jobs which weren't hurting anyone. So ever since I heard the radio drama, I've wondered a bit, did she rack up her first kill (or serious wounding, with head trauma–induced brain damage) before leaving the stable?
She was chewing on the end of her leg so much that I thought she was going to gnaw it right off.
Not the first of this, but the most explicit example so far.
I stared up at her, and oddly, the word Deus was so fond of roared through my mind.
I can't say the intention behind it's not fair.
“Not happening. You’re big. Noisy. Obnoxious,” he stated flatly.
“Ugly. Oh, and fat,” Daisy threw in.
“Really lazy… a bit of a letch…” Marmalade added. “And her horn’s so tiny…” Hey!
“And female,” he concluded in a tone of finality.
Okay. Didn’t I have an ego? Oh, yeah, there it was. That mashed up thing on the floor.
All of those are pretty fair except for Daisy's, and even there that's far from the last fat joke sent Blackjack's way. Though her size in general isn't brought up all that much, so perhaps she's just big compare to P-21 (and, I think later, Glory).
“Opens a camera,” Marmalade said, looking hopeful that she was being helpful. “Well, that’s what they said it did.”
Okay, that makes at least two things (along with the later "Doofus") in this chapter that are purely for the benefit of re-readers (or people with outside information): there's no way someone reading this for the first time could catch them, and I severly doubt they would remember these little throwaway gags hundreds of thousands of words later when the context for the jokes emerge.
“Okay! The running part of the plan!”
“Problem,” he muttered, pointing at his injured leg. Oh, yeah. That.
Yep. And, crucially, the thing that helps make it so it doesn't make sense to just give him the program and have him run off with it (even if he were loyal to 99).
The title caught my eye: ‘Enemys’ was crookedly scrawled at the top of the page in large, block print. There were a lot of names on that list. Topping it, and circled: ‘Overmare.’ She counted herself as an enemy? Rivets’s name was right underneath it. Mom’s name had question marks around it. Daisy was on it?! Not me, of course. Oh, wait! There I was... at the bottom...
Oh yeah. This seems like someone both competent ("Enemys") and stable enough to be entrusted at the apex of power for the last remains of the equine race.
Odds were that, if I survived the next five minutes, I’d be wishing I were dead inside a month.
So why was I smiling so much?
"Inside" is right. Of course, there was already that little hint of "you'd all be better off if I were dead" before Deus showed up.
- Chapter One Overall Thoughts:
- Quite a start. I like the atmosphere, with the tension between the need to keep everything working and the need to keep living despite that. Setting up the Overmare as a petty tyrant, and Daisy as well, helped to show the rot even from the perspective of someone who didn't see the slave system as wrong from the beginning. And yet, there's no escaping that, at least in the end, the Overmare was right, and Rivets was planning a coup.
Plot-wise, just the basics show up, and that's probably for the best, as it lets one settle in to the world and the characters before things get complex. Right now, we didn't need much more than Monster invades stable, Monster's boss wants EC-1101.
The characters are great from the start. Deus is just a flat monster at this point, but the Overmare shows some underlying problems. There's implied history between Blackjack and Daisy, and Marmalade is there to remind you (not too subtly, true) that sometimes good people do bad things because they don't know better. I could go on with the bit characters, but suffice to say that they fill the roles they need to.
P-21 comes across as bitter and angry (we're told as much), and is built from there. The resourcefulness stands out the more for his assigned role, and it's hard to ignore that for all that his life was, he seems to have felt more than just hate for the mares of 99 (just not most of them), given his interaction with Duct Tape (though that could have been just to spite the Overmare), and to a lesser extent Blackjack, in particular copying over files and such.
But what really stood out to me was Gin Rummy. It's too bad she's almost entirely out of the story after this, because I very much enjoyed her interactions with Blackjack, and the sort of dances they performed around each other much of the time, and Gin Rummy's competence and professionalism make her something of a foil for her daughter (tempered, at times, with compassion, which is a trait they share), and possibly a point of reference for how she grows over time. It does seem like Gin Rummy greatly influenced Blackjack, and in many ways not for the better, but clearly there was love there, in both directions, even if it often had to be subsumed by their working relationship. But for all that her disapproval, disappointment, and resignation directed at Blackjack, and the internalized lack of self-confidence and desire not to be responsible for anything that those likely helped to build, when push came to shove, Gin Rummy trusted Blackjack even as she wanted to keep her little Fishy out of harm's way however much she could. And as both Blackjack's mother and the head of Stable 99 security, she feels like a source of both "Security Saves Ponies" and "I'm not an executioner" (however much the latter rang hollow in the inaugural chapter).
- Chapter One Editing Matters:
- were some sort of fermentation experiment... Maybe a pet?
second space after ellipsis or don't capitalize "Maybe"
Another showed one lone weeping mare under the caption ‘Selfishness separates.’
Period to outside of quotation marks?
Misty was a chronic repeat offender.
"Chronic repeat" seems redundant.
Stable 99 was all that was left. Every filly learned
Only one space after period.
“The Overmare protects.” …but I felt a gloomy specter
Punctuation's a little weird here. Should "but" be capitalized? If so, should there be a second space between the quotation and the ellipsis? If not, should the quotation end with a comma, or perhaps an ellipsis (with none before the "but")?
whether it wanted to be freezing or boiling. You couldn’t think about it
Three spaces after the period.
Hey! Hey! Wait up!” I shouted as I tripped
“Damnit, Midnight! No running in the halls!” I shouted as I ran after her.
Should probably have only one space after the quotation, unless the shout was a wordless one following this.
What? I’m security! I’m allowed to break the rules when pursuing a fine flank!
I wish I could think of a way to get this to work in some form of past tense, but I just can't think of anything.
better I was in food prep. Nice, low responsibility
Only one space after period, "was" to "were"
Because Mom was security. Because her mom had
Only one space after period.
I didn’t have any time for the poor me routine.
Should there be quotes around "poor me"?
scooped recycled fungi cubes onto trays
"fungus cubes"?
me hobbling to her table. “Mind if I join
Three spaces after period.
“I’ll pay you in oral sex!” I blurted
“She always plays hard to get…” I said around the mouthful of metal
Should have only one space after quotation.
but then she collected every piece of scrap electronics and conductors for inventory
I think "conductors" should be singular.
feeling as if there was something I was missing
first "was" to "were"?
The briefing room was festooned with graphic reminders that “Service to the Overmare is service to the stable.”
These should be single-quotes, and the period should possibly be outside of them.
Can I do it?” Daisy asked with a grin
Should have only one space after quotation.
Once a male reached… how old was it? Twelve? Fifteen?--they were put into breeding.
Suggest having the separators match, either both dashes or both ellipses.
Down at the end of the hall was the Overmare’s office and the maintenance room with the maneframes.
"was" to "were"
She snorted, looked at me, and gave a flat ‘in your dreams’ “No.”
There should only be one space between the single- and double-quotation marks.
At the apex was the Overmare’s office, security, the armory, and the maneframes.
"was" to "were"
“Well, that is the question, isn’t it?” Rivets asked with
Maybe to keep tabs on all of us?” Rivets asked as she nodded
Should have only one space after quotation.
But from the looks I now got… yes, yes it was.
Maybe drop the "now"?
round up and… um… stuff.” I finished lamely
period to comma, should have only one space after quotation.
All of them watched me back slowly out of atmospheric maintenance three.
"Atmospheric Maintenance Three"
Rarely, they’d suicide...ugh, please don’t let me find
Should have space after ellipsis.
‘Scotch Tape, Maintenance Shift C.’
period to outside of quotation marks?
And some day they’ll be replaced by theirs.
"some day" to "someday"
I was glad that Mom would probably last forever. I didn’t know how
Only one space after the period.
As in right on the far side of a door marked ‘Emergency Storage #3.’
period to outside of quotation marks.
“What shift are you on?” I asked with a little frown.
Should have only one space after quotation.
Still, why anypony would want to steal century old supplies was beyond me.
should "century-old" be hyphenated?
Below that would go one more dot…though I was never sure why, since after that he'd be heading straight to retirement.
space needed after ellipsis.
look at me like that before. The cold anger inside made me wonder if he
Only one space after period.
What the fuck are you doing?” I asked as Marmalade’s
Should have only one space after quotation.
soundly upon her head. The first split the skin
three spaces after period.
I need a first aid kit please!
comma before "please"?
“Why?” He asked softly, eyes clenched in pain.
"He" shouldn't be capitalized.
What’s your name?” I asked as I looked in the direction the filly
should have only one space after quotation
“You know how to do that?” The olive filly asked
"the" shoudln't be capitalized, and there should be only one space after the quotation.
“On three…” I said as I looked at
should have only one space after quotation
Two…” And on two I pulled
should have second space after quotation.
“Was that the plan?” He asked weakly.
"he" shouldn't be capitalized.
of course. The Overmare’s white hide
pinpricks as she walked up to the bars. “Oh we’re going to
And I’m not going to let that gray nag run it any longer. It’s mine!
Only one space after the period.
“Do you know what she’s doing?” I asked for the
Should have only one space after quotation.
“I… but… I mean… I suppose I could, but-“
Second hyphen for dash
“Really?” There was no missing the eagerness
for the stable, of course.” Oh Goddesses,
Should have second space after quotation.
“Good. Everything you need will
Should have second space after period.
and from then on she was firmly ‘head of security.’
period to outside of quotation marks
“There’s something important on here, isn’t there?” I said as I waved
should have only one space after quotation
at least it will be ten seconds free.” What, he wanted to die
three spaces after period
any way I can… I will.” I nodded.
Should have second space after quotation.
and extracted a small screwdriver from his...body cavity.
should have space after ellipsis.
but I only slept through half my PipBuck training (In my defense, it was the boring half)
should "in" not be capitalized?
I expected that ‘sometimes’ meant ‘the times when she wanted to get something from somepony.’
period to outside of quotation marks
“What?” P-21 said softly.
should have only one space after quotation
“What? How-“
Second hyphen for dash
If the Overmare was serious about this, she would have told Mom.
"was" to "were."
the bobby pin back in his tail and…okay, closing mouth
should have space after ellipsis
“Mom! Moooom!” I shouted as I raced to her
Should have only one space after quotation
Looks like I finally had it!
"Looks" to "looked"?
Get out right now or I’ll-“
second hyphen for dash
I knew I wouldn’t want to be around another mare on the queue…. Probably.
Ellipsis should have only three dots, two spaces after.
said softly as she worked. Time was crawling by
Only one space after period
Bits of blood, bone and brains splattered over both of us as
final serial comma needed after "bone"
“Midnight…” I said sternly, staring into
“Who are you?” I asked as she choked, coughed,
should have only one space after quotation
Then I saw the blood smeared over the grimy lips and took my eyes off her
"the grimy" to "her grimy"?
You! Sick! Fucker!” I yelled, bringing the baton
should have only one space after quotation
but the revolver gave an unhealthy ping of rust and stopped; hammer drawn back.
semicolon to comma
ripped a hoof long tear along the
should "hoof long" be hyphenated?
smeared my barding and spattered the steps. I landed on my back
three spaces after period
I doubted that she even needed S.A.T.S..
should end with only one dot
closet door in my mind. As much as I’d love
only one space after period
She swept me up in a hug. Okay, now I was blushing
three spaces after period
“Good thing your horn is so small, little fishy,” she said, finally past all her arguments about why this wouldn’t work.
"Fishy" should be capitalized
Mom was lavender, Barrel was green...I was the only filly that looked close to the mare I’d killed.
should have space after ellipsis
The last thing I needed was that stupid name…. and her talking about my horn.
only three dots for ellipsis
“How are you going to get past their E.F.S.?” Barrel countered.
should have only one space after quotation
“Fetch, Cunt! Kill the ones left up there and
Should have second space after exclamation point.
Get it!” He bellowed, and now seemed
should probably have only one space after quotation and "he" not capitalized
mane aside to uncover my lit- my compact
second hyphen for dash
“Hey, can I see that?” I asked as I pointed
“Give me that!” I said as I grabbed
should have only one space after quotation
loaded the rounds into the gun. He spat his pistol into his
only one space after period
What’s wrong with her?” I asked.
“I don’t have time for this!” I shouted, throwing my hooves
should have only one space after quotation
There were a few offices and detention through there. She could be--
only one space after period
“P-21? Are you here?” I asked as I pulled it
“That useless cock pony?” Daisy snorted.
should only have one space after quotation
Marmalade added. “And her horn’s
three spaces after period
Daisy didn’t have a shotgun at that moment. She did, however, launch herself at P-21
only one space after period
I accessed her terminal and used the code mom had given me.
"mom" should be capitalized
Icy Shake- Alicorn
- Posts : 1209
Brohoof! : 308
Join date : 2012-06-05
Age : 35
Location : Boston, MA
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Jan 12, 2014 4:52 am
Ah, thank you very much as always.Icy Shake wrote:Eh, close enough for many (most?) purposes.Rayndalf wrote:Trickledown Economics and Reaganomics are the same thing, right?
With the end of the story so close, I thought I'd swing back to the front end for a while, since I've never done a close editing/error-spotting pass on the first nine chapters. And I hit a decent break point as well, so no time like the present.
- Chapter One Running Thoughts:
I like the heavy deflection and denial this starts out with: the war wasn't fought with foreign aggressors, and note the use of the passive voice regarding the unleashing of the terrible magics.
Trotting down to the showers, I passed the murals designed to inspire camaraderie and cooperation… at least, according to what I’d been constantly taught in classes.
Convergent evolution, or reference to FoE? You decide!
Walking past a stall, I glanced in at two mares employing unauthorized and probably ineffective washing techniques.
Now, as has been pointed out before, they are in an authoritarian society, but wow: they enumerated the authorized washing techniques?
In theory, I was supposed to discourage this kind of thing. However, it fucking sucked being the mare who was supposed to discourage this kind of thing.
Well, there's something that never changes.
With the constant duty and honor bullshit, a little flank spank was one of the few reliable means of recreation, and a lot of the security mares got really... enthusiastic about it.
Things assuming everyone is female, before the
reveal: 1.
Every filly learned that as soon as they could read;
2
Four hundred and something were covered by mares like myself who inherited our jobs from our mothers. My mom was security. I was security. When I had my daughter, she would be security.
3
In the rare event of a mare dying before she could breed, a lottery would be held for some other mare to produce an extra filly for the spot.
4. Note, too, that having a son isn't considered breeding.
When Stable-Tec made the stable, clearly they hadn’t had mares of her size in mind.
Ironic, considering the brother of the highest ranking architect.
All the way back to the legendary Card Trick, the one who’d carved ‘Security: We Save Ponies’ above the entrance to the security level. Hurray for completely irrational expectations! I knew I’d never save 99.
I feel like there's a lot going on here, starting with the fact that Blackjack will before long make this one of her rules to live by (if anything taking the expectation to an even greater extent of irrationality than it was meant to be). But more, there's how she misses the point that it's not always about saving everyone, but making the effort for anyone; there's also how this starts being shown even before Deus arrives, when Blackjack stands up for P-21.
I’d witnessed enough to know I didn’t want to drop a name… besides, I’d already tried it once. Never worked for the ponies who deserved it.
And, if I remember correctly, we already got to see the fruits of that attempt.
“Which means you’re intelligent. Skilled! That you possess far more competence than a lowly security pony like myself!” I said as she hesitated. I almost had her convinced! “I’ll pay you in oral sex!” I blurted.
Almost there, then ruined by impulsively plowing ahead without thinking things through. I'm sure this trait could have been established in another way, but why would anyone want to?
I’ve got a hundred and fifty maintenance mares to manage and I’ve got a hole on the C shift and she’s got to fill it
5
The security head was Gin Rummy, a middle-aged unicorn who still looked better than several of the younger mares. Her purple and red striped mane contrasted well with her lavender coat and bright pink eyes, and those pink eyes looked right at me with immediate disapproval the second I hobbled in.
. . .
She’d been head of security for longer than I’d been alive, and I’d never known her to not be organized, confident, and secure in her knowledge of what was going on in Stable 99.
. . .
Gin Rummy just sighed and looked at me with a slow, disappointed shake of her head. Still, wasn’t much she could do.
Interesting that the first thing we learn about Gin Rummy besides 1) her job and 2) what she looks like (and there, the transition makes it so that the physical description flows into the relationship) is that she is 3) disapproving of Blackjack. 4) is that she is "organized, confident, and secure in her knowledge . . . " which, come to think of it, sounds much like another lavender unicorn. 5) is that her feelings regarding Blackjack also include "disappoint[ment]" and resignation. So Blackjack's issues are being set up, but the full impact of them won't be felt until the next step happens. Also, not to read too much into it, but how many people, in this situation, would first comment on how the person looked compared to the others in the room, or single out complementary features?
In other news, medical reports that we’re missing a male. There’s a new P-21 to round up for retirement, but he hasn’t reported back after his last breeding assignment.
And there it is.
I tried my best not to squirm. Damn it, why were hoofcuffs so hard to get out of?
First joke to make me laugh aloud.
Technically, every unicorn, much less every security unicorn, was supposed to be able to do a whole slew of spells that I couldn’t. Maybe Mom would get lucky and outlive me. One thing was sure: the second I became head security mare, Stable 99 was doomed.
It's not too blatant, but I didn't remember Blackjack's grim-mindedness beginning this early. The poor self-esteem, sure, but not that. Also, there's how she thinks even of herself first as an object for the utility of others, though frankly given the state of her environment that does make sense.
“Don’t worry about it, Mom. I can handle it,” I said, trying to put on my big girl look. Okay, I was definitely old enough to have it by default, but she always looked at me like I was her little blank flank… when there was nopony else around to see, of course. Thank the Goddesses.
Nice to see a softer side of the relationship, even if it makes Blackjack appear kind of . . . adolescent. (In many ways she is, of course.)
On that note, it's interesting that Blackjack thinks of the Overmare as a filly, not a mare, despite the fact she's only a year younger than Blackjack herself. Then again, it might be less of a literal thing, and more to contrast her childishness than her age with her responsibility.
Manufacturing equipment, storeroom after locked storeroom, and, of course, all the little hidden fun spots: the makeshift stills, the love nests, and the nooks for gambling.
Ah, so there was alcohol in 99.
If there was an Incident between the Overmare and maintenance… well, I knew which side had all the guns and which side knew how to keep the stable alive...
Works all the better with the memory of the war overhanging the rest. What comes after the victory or defeat matters, and that this is something Blackjack already knows saves a lot of time.
I entered in the P-21’s PipBuck address, but the little icon twitched around spasmodically.
It came up earlier, but only struck me now how good having him be "the P-21" is.
It wasn’t like bucks knew how to get into food stores and the like. They just bred. That was all they knew, all they needed to know.
Right?
I should say, looking back, just how easily I fell into thinking everything just like Blackjack did, on this front. With, sure, the overlay of "well, desperate times," but all the same, it took time for me to see things P-21's way, which frankly is frightening. Hopefully it's nothing more than the first-person narration and a high capacity for suspension of disbelief, so long as internal consistency is maintained. Granted, depending on the timing (sometime in the summer or early fall of 2011), I might have read the first released version, which could have played a role, too.
Oh… I tried to think up some creative profanity but… eh… I got nothing.
Unlike before, there's no way that wasn't parody.
I was glad that Mom would probably last forever. I didn’t know how I’d handle the stable with her gone.
Perhaps this is more childlike than adolescent. But always reinforcing her lack of confidence and related desire not to be responsible.
And, just as I was getting a nice batch of self-pity whipped up, I stepped right in a puddle of leaking sewage.
Well, you'll get plenty of chances later.
She made it a half dozen steps out the door before my glowing stick swept her legs right out from under her. As she went down, I jumped on her back and was amazed when she went completely still.
Starting the signs of how he'd been conditioned early.
“Um. It’s not my place to kill you. I’m not an executioner. You’re going to be… ah… retired.”
An inauspicious beginning for her mantra.
I tried to grin and put him at ease, because bucks sometimes did stupid things. It wouldn’t be the first time one attacked me without provocation.
And we have the blindness, almost innocence, of her position and her upbringing.
Just do nothing, Blackjack. Don’t think about it…
Don’t think about it. Don’t think about the thumps and the cries and the sobs and the begging.
No.
Security saves ponies.
I looked at the pair beating him in glee and charged Marmalade first.
It's a little thing, but even small changes matter. And the more revealing because Blackjack had every intention for him to "be retired" soon, anyway.
And one more thing I could do with telekinesis: with another thought, I triggered my PipBuck’s ‘Stable-Tec Assisted Targeting System’. The S.A.T.S. was a magical spell that momentarily slowed time almost to a stop and let me line up my attacks perfectly.
Interesting. It's implied here that S.A.T.S. is manually activated, and thus much more useful to unicorns since they can do that without moving. Also, I'm glad that the "the" was quickly dropped, as although it makes sense in many sentences if the acronym is decompressed, it just feels clunky.
Even if he was slated for retirement, he didn’t have to die like that! Nopony should have to die like that. Period.
This is one principled stance that Blackjack quickly loses. To wit: feeding a pony through a rock crusher (at least there there weren't many other options) and feeding a pony to a raider as a means of getting information.
“One day, I’m going to have your fucking head on a stick, Blackjack. Promise you that.”
Well then. Not quite, but close.
Somehow, though, I always figured they had their own names in their quarters. Names were like cutie marks; everypony had them, even males. Then again, looking at the breeding mark on his flank...
So, there are signs of cognitive dissonance even now.
“Here. Eat this,” I said as I pressed the carrot-flavored medicine to his lips.
"Medicine." Right. Also, how does she know its flavor?
That was the law. A stupid-ass law, but my mom always honored the law. Sometimes she seemed a little neurotic about it, actually, and a sneaky conversation between the Overmare and a dead maintenance mare didn’t seem like anything that would get her to violate the law.
More family resemblance?
You’ve been… nice. One of three. And so I’m telling you… don’t trust her.
Who were the other two who were nice to P-21? Of course, there's a high probability they aren't even named characters, so it may not mean much.
“I… I suppose I could throw an encryption on it. Something she can’t crack till she promises to let us out…” she mulled softly. “Maybe make the password that name you liked so much…”
Maybe the real name of his old lover? At any rate, would have been useful for that to have stuck in his mind. Also, everyone sucks at computer security. But I guess that's not so unrealistic, is it?
He was a smart pony who knew about locks and terminals and, despite being a male, probably a lot of other things I didn’t. Great, even the males were better than me. Enough of that! Now was definitely not the time for self-pity.
But I though Blackjack always found time for self-pity. Also, the positive parts of what she'd always learned seem to be falling quickly once she gets the chance to see that they are wrong; of course, the normative components can't be overturned quite so simply, since they aren't mere matters of fact.
Oh, how I hoped I’d be right back with Mom and all of A and B shifts behind me.
C shift has Daisy, the sadist; Marigold, the idiot; and Blackjack, the incompetent, out of only ten mares. Was C shift the dumping ground for the worst security mares? It would make sense, since the stable's largely dead during it.
Since we couldn’t break its encryption, I had it bundled for transfer to a PipBuck.
I'd say that this train of logic doesn't follow, but I guess it does, in the sense that it's a way to say "Well, we did something," even if that something is in no way related to the goal.
Rearing up, she slammed me to the ground next to U-10’s body with enough force to make me see stars.
Ah, the persistence of language.
I looked at the bloody PipBuck on the murderess’s foreleg; it was from Stable 99, and from the gore covering most of it, I doubted it had been removed or donned with a key.
Normally I'm fairly inured to the violence, but this got a bit of a disgusted reaction.
Of course, as good as my stick was, a gun was better. Sadly, the shotgun was out of commission; the broken butt had bent and unseated the breech.
There was a bit about target practice earlier in the chapter, but this is showing early on that Blackjack knows more than just how to point and shoot and reload.
I didn’t understand these ponies, if they really were ponies and not some sort of mutant pony-shaped predators of some sort. They reeked. They seemed to revel in bloodshed.
Understanding, though, will come soon enough.
“Nopony kills ponies in my stable,” Mom said firmly, her sidearm floating precisely over her eye.
Oh, I can't blame the lady for a little imprecision here, but it is a little rich coming from someone who just killed a pony.
“Blackjack.” Mom’s voice cut through all that, and I tore myself away from the blown-open corpse. “We still have a stable to save.” Her calm words were a layer of concrete across the closet door in my mind. As much as I’d love to fall apart, I couldn’t. Not now. Not in front of her. Even if I was the worst security pony in Equestria, my stable was in danger.
For all her disappointment, Gin Rummy still trusts her daughter to be a part of the defense. This doesn't end with "so stay out of the way." And the way it clears Blackjack's mind and she stresses she didn't want to fall apart in front of her brings it back around to how much Blackjacks wants not to disappoint her, for all that she's despaired of achieving that.
Damn it, if I’d just been faster I could have… done… done something!
Plus ça change . . .
“Don’t be ridiculous, Blackjack. It’s certain death outside,” Mom retorted immediately.
“It’s pretty reliable death in here, Mom. Erm… I mean… Miss Head Security Mare… ma’am…” I fumbled, blushing a little. She swept me up in a hug. Okay, now I was blushing a lot. She quickly let me go, reddening herself. Mom never was very good with being Mom.
Does this feel like a little bit of what could have, what should have been slipping through?
I felt like a two bit trick pony. The only good thing was that it covered my cutie mark. There was no way I could mimic the two gold coins on the dead mare’s rump.
Apart from the pun, why would she have a defunct currency as a cutie mark (and name)?
One of the filthy, yellow-eyed ponies was pinning her down and raping her, her mouth and flanks bloody.
. . .
“I told you,” she sobbed as she lay like limp meat, blood streaking her muzzle and flanks alike. As much as I didn’t want to get blown into pony pieces, I’d take it over that.
Not hard to see why. Of course, the one becomes regular, the other . . . well, it only took once.
The reinforced casing smacked his head once, twice… thrice. Finally, he went down in a quaking ball; not concussed but too traumatized at the moment to bring shit down on me.
Now, I don't think it was the intention here, but this reminds me of how Littlepip left Stable Two, knocking out the two security guards by dropping something on their heads. Presumably with less idea of how much force would cause a concussion and less practice in all forms of combat. And they were just doing their jobs, jobs which weren't hurting anyone. So ever since I heard the radio drama, I've wondered a bit, did she rack up her first kill (or serious wounding, with head trauma–induced brain damage) before leaving the stable?
She was chewing on the end of her leg so much that I thought she was going to gnaw it right off.
Not the first of this, but the most explicit example so far.
I stared up at her, and oddly, the word Deus was so fond of roared through my mind.
I can't say the intention behind it's not fair.
“Not happening. You’re big. Noisy. Obnoxious,” he stated flatly.
“Ugly. Oh, and fat,” Daisy threw in.
“Really lazy… a bit of a letch…” Marmalade added. “And her horn’s so tiny…” Hey!
“And female,” he concluded in a tone of finality.
Okay. Didn’t I have an ego? Oh, yeah, there it was. That mashed up thing on the floor.
All of those are pretty fair except for Daisy's, and even there that's far from the last fat joke sent Blackjack's way. Though her size in general isn't brought up all that much, so perhaps she's just big compare to P-21 (and, I think later, Glory).
“Opens a camera,” Marmalade said, looking hopeful that she was being helpful. “Well, that’s what they said it did.”
Okay, that makes at least two things (along with the later "Doofus") in this chapter that are purely for the benefit of re-readers (or people with outside information): there's no way someone reading this for the first time could catch them, and I severly doubt they would remember these little throwaway gags hundreds of thousands of words later when the context for the jokes emerge.
“Okay! The running part of the plan!”
“Problem,” he muttered, pointing at his injured leg. Oh, yeah. That.
Yep. And, crucially, the thing that helps make it so it doesn't make sense to just give him the program and have him run off with it (even if he were loyal to 99).
The title caught my eye: ‘Enemys’ was crookedly scrawled at the top of the page in large, block print. There were a lot of names on that list. Topping it, and circled: ‘Overmare.’ She counted herself as an enemy? Rivets’s name was right underneath it. Mom’s name had question marks around it. Daisy was on it?! Not me, of course. Oh, wait! There I was... at the bottom...
Oh yeah. This seems like someone both competent ("Enemys") and stable enough to be entrusted at the apex of power for the last remains of the equine race.
Odds were that, if I survived the next five minutes, I’d be wishing I were dead inside a month.
So why was I smiling so much?
"Inside" is right. Of course, there was already that little hint of "you'd all be better off if I were dead" before Deus showed up.
- Chapter One Overall Thoughts:
Plot-wise, just the basics show up, and that's probably for the best, as it lets one settle in to the world and the characters before things get complex. Right now, we didn't need much more than Monster invades stable, Monster's boss wants EC-1101.
The characters are great from the start. Deus is just a flat monster at this point, but the Overmare shows some underlying problems. There's implied history between Blackjack and Daisy, and Marmalade is there to remind you (not too subtly, true) that sometimes good people do bad things because they don't know better. I could go on with the bit characters, but suffice to say that they fill the roles they need to.
P-21 comes across as bitter and angry (we're told as much), and is built from there. The resourcefulness stands out the more for his assigned role, and it's hard to ignore that for all that his life was, he seems to have felt more than just hate for the mares of 99 (just not most of them), given his interaction with Duct Tape (though that could have been just to spite the Overmare), and to a lesser extent Blackjack, in particular copying over files and such.
But what really stood out to me was Gin Rummy. It's too bad she's almost entirely out of the story after this, because I very much enjoyed her interactions with Blackjack, and the sort of dances they performed around each other much of the time, and Gin Rummy's competence and professionalism make her something of a foil for her daughter (tempered, at times, with compassion, which is a trait they share), and possibly a point of reference for how she grows over time. It does seem like Gin Rummy greatly influenced Blackjack, and in many ways not for the better, but clearly there was love there, in both directions, even if it often had to be subsumed by their working relationship. But for all that her disapproval, disappointment, and resignation directed at Blackjack, and the internalized lack of self-confidence and desire not to be responsible for anything that those likely helped to build, when push came to shove, Gin Rummy trusted Blackjack even as she wanted to keep her little Fishy out of harm's way however much she could. And as both Blackjack's mother and the head of Stable 99 security, she feels like a source of both "Security Saves Ponies" and "I'm not an executioner" (however much the latter rang hollow in the inaugural chapter).
- Chapter One Editing Matters:
second space after ellipsis or don't capitalize "Maybe"
Another showed one lone weeping mare under the caption ‘Selfishness separates.’
Period to outside of quotation marks?
Misty was a chronic repeat offender.
"Chronic repeat" seems redundant.
Stable 99 was all that was left. Every filly learned
Only one space after period.
“The Overmare protects.” …but I felt a gloomy specter
Punctuation's a little weird here. Should "but" be capitalized? If so, should there be a second space between the quotation and the ellipsis? If not, should the quotation end with a comma, or perhaps an ellipsis (with none before the "but")?
whether it wanted to be freezing or boiling. You couldn’t think about it
Three spaces after the period.
Hey! Hey! Wait up!” I shouted as I tripped
“Damnit, Midnight! No running in the halls!” I shouted as I ran after her.
Should probably have only one space after the quotation, unless the shout was a wordless one following this.
What? I’m security! I’m allowed to break the rules when pursuing a fine flank!
I wish I could think of a way to get this to work in some form of past tense, but I just can't think of anything.
better I was in food prep. Nice, low responsibility
Only one space after period, "was" to "were"
Because Mom was security. Because her mom had
Only one space after period.
I didn’t have any time for the poor me routine.
Should there be quotes around "poor me"?
scooped recycled fungi cubes onto trays
"fungus cubes"?
me hobbling to her table. “Mind if I join
Three spaces after period.
“I’ll pay you in oral sex!” I blurted
“She always plays hard to get…” I said around the mouthful of metal
Should have only one space after quotation.
but then she collected every piece of scrap electronics and conductors for inventory
I think "conductors" should be singular.
feeling as if there was something I was missing
first "was" to "were"?
The briefing room was festooned with graphic reminders that “Service to the Overmare is service to the stable.”
These should be single-quotes, and the period should possibly be outside of them.
Can I do it?” Daisy asked with a grin
Should have only one space after quotation.
Once a male reached… how old was it? Twelve? Fifteen?--they were put into breeding.
Suggest having the separators match, either both dashes or both ellipses.
Down at the end of the hall was the Overmare’s office and the maintenance room with the maneframes.
"was" to "were"
She snorted, looked at me, and gave a flat ‘in your dreams’ “No.”
There should only be one space between the single- and double-quotation marks.
At the apex was the Overmare’s office, security, the armory, and the maneframes.
"was" to "were"
“Well, that is the question, isn’t it?” Rivets asked with
Maybe to keep tabs on all of us?” Rivets asked as she nodded
Should have only one space after quotation.
But from the looks I now got… yes, yes it was.
Maybe drop the "now"?
round up and… um… stuff.” I finished lamely
period to comma, should have only one space after quotation.
All of them watched me back slowly out of atmospheric maintenance three.
"Atmospheric Maintenance Three"
Rarely, they’d suicide...ugh, please don’t let me find
Should have space after ellipsis.
‘Scotch Tape, Maintenance Shift C.’
period to outside of quotation marks?
And some day they’ll be replaced by theirs.
"some day" to "someday"
I was glad that Mom would probably last forever. I didn’t know how
Only one space after the period.
As in right on the far side of a door marked ‘Emergency Storage #3.’
period to outside of quotation marks.
“What shift are you on?” I asked with a little frown.
Should have only one space after quotation.
Still, why anypony would want to steal century old supplies was beyond me.
should "century-old" be hyphenated?
Below that would go one more dot…though I was never sure why, since after that he'd be heading straight to retirement.
space needed after ellipsis.
look at me like that before. The cold anger inside made me wonder if he
Only one space after period.
What the fuck are you doing?” I asked as Marmalade’s
Should have only one space after quotation.
soundly upon her head. The first split the skin
three spaces after period.
I need a first aid kit please!
comma before "please"?
“Why?” He asked softly, eyes clenched in pain.
"He" shouldn't be capitalized.
What’s your name?” I asked as I looked in the direction the filly
should have only one space after quotation
“You know how to do that?” The olive filly asked
"the" shoudln't be capitalized, and there should be only one space after the quotation.
“On three…” I said as I looked at
should have only one space after quotation
Two…” And on two I pulled
should have second space after quotation.
“Was that the plan?” He asked weakly.
"he" shouldn't be capitalized.
of course. The Overmare’s white hide
pinpricks as she walked up to the bars. “Oh we’re going to
And I’m not going to let that gray nag run it any longer. It’s mine!
Only one space after the period.
“Do you know what she’s doing?” I asked for the
Should have only one space after quotation.
“I… but… I mean… I suppose I could, but-“
Second hyphen for dash
“Really?” There was no missing the eagerness
for the stable, of course.” Oh Goddesses,
Should have second space after quotation.
“Good. Everything you need will
Should have second space after period.
and from then on she was firmly ‘head of security.’
period to outside of quotation marks
“There’s something important on here, isn’t there?” I said as I waved
should have only one space after quotation
at least it will be ten seconds free.” What, he wanted to die
three spaces after period
any way I can… I will.” I nodded.
Should have second space after quotation.
and extracted a small screwdriver from his...body cavity.
should have space after ellipsis.
but I only slept through half my PipBuck training (In my defense, it was the boring half)
should "in" not be capitalized?
I expected that ‘sometimes’ meant ‘the times when she wanted to get something from somepony.’
period to outside of quotation marks
“What?” P-21 said softly.
should have only one space after quotation
“What? How-“
Second hyphen for dash
If the Overmare was serious about this, she would have told Mom.
"was" to "were."
the bobby pin back in his tail and…okay, closing mouth
should have space after ellipsis
“Mom! Moooom!” I shouted as I raced to her
Should have only one space after quotation
Looks like I finally had it!
"Looks" to "looked"?
Get out right now or I’ll-“
second hyphen for dash
I knew I wouldn’t want to be around another mare on the queue…. Probably.
Ellipsis should have only three dots, two spaces after.
said softly as she worked. Time was crawling by
Only one space after period
Bits of blood, bone and brains splattered over both of us as
final serial comma needed after "bone"
“Midnight…” I said sternly, staring into
“Who are you?” I asked as she choked, coughed,
should have only one space after quotation
Then I saw the blood smeared over the grimy lips and took my eyes off her
"the grimy" to "her grimy"?
You! Sick! Fucker!” I yelled, bringing the baton
should have only one space after quotation
but the revolver gave an unhealthy ping of rust and stopped; hammer drawn back.
semicolon to comma
ripped a hoof long tear along the
should "hoof long" be hyphenated?
smeared my barding and spattered the steps. I landed on my back
three spaces after period
I doubted that she even needed S.A.T.S..
should end with only one dot
closet door in my mind. As much as I’d love
only one space after period
She swept me up in a hug. Okay, now I was blushing
three spaces after period
“Good thing your horn is so small, little fishy,” she said, finally past all her arguments about why this wouldn’t work.
"Fishy" should be capitalized
Mom was lavender, Barrel was green...I was the only filly that looked close to the mare I’d killed.
should have space after ellipsis
The last thing I needed was that stupid name…. and her talking about my horn.
only three dots for ellipsis
“How are you going to get past their E.F.S.?” Barrel countered.
should have only one space after quotation
“Fetch, Cunt! Kill the ones left up there and
Should have second space after exclamation point.
Get it!” He bellowed, and now seemed
should probably have only one space after quotation and "he" not capitalized
mane aside to uncover my lit- my compact
second hyphen for dash
“Hey, can I see that?” I asked as I pointed
“Give me that!” I said as I grabbed
should have only one space after quotation
loaded the rounds into the gun. He spat his pistol into his
only one space after period
What’s wrong with her?” I asked.
“I don’t have time for this!” I shouted, throwing my hooves
should have only one space after quotation
There were a few offices and detention through there. She could be--
only one space after period
“P-21? Are you here?” I asked as I pulled it
“That useless cock pony?” Daisy snorted.
should only have one space after quotation
Marmalade added. “And her horn’s
three spaces after period
Daisy didn’t have a shotgun at that moment. She did, however, launch herself at P-21
only one space after period
I accessed her terminal and used the code mom had given me.
"mom" should be capitalized
…You know, I think I'll leave it in. It sounds to me like something that Chapter 1 Blackjack would say. :)Icy Shake wrote:"Chronic repeat" seems redundant.
Eh… I usually follow your advice in matters like this, but I don't think that it would preserve the tone here. Sorry.Icy Shake wrote:Suggest having the separators match, either both dashes or both ellipses.
…Icy Shake wrote:Now, I don't think it was the intention here, but this reminds me of how Littlepip left Stable Two, knocking out the two security guards by dropping something on their heads. Presumably with less idea of how much force would cause a concussion and less practice in all forms of combat. And they were just doing their jobs, jobs which weren't hurting anyone. So ever since I heard the radio drama, I've wondered a bit, did she rack up her first kill (or serious wounding, with head trauma–induced brain damage) before leaving the stable?
That is a good point. Rose Eye would love to get her hooves on that little bit of premade propaganda...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vergil Sun Jan 12, 2014 12:05 pm
Ch.55: "Did that bullet knock some extra smarts into of your brain, Blackjack?"
"The the button was pushed, then the next tried it."
"I tried to pick her red bar out from the others; it certain had to be the one moving the most."
"He nudged down the glasses enough to look at me with filmy purplish eye"
"The the button was pushed, then the next tried it."
"I tried to pick her red bar out from the others; it certain had to be the one moving the most."
"He nudged down the glasses enough to look at me with filmy purplish eye"
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scienza Sun Jan 12, 2014 1:48 pm
Ouch, man. Good luck. Remember, do what you have to in order to be okay, even if it means delaying or outright killing PH. Your welfare is more important than our need for a new chapter.Somber wrote:Poorly. I'm almost broke and I won't get my first paycheck till the 15th. But I subbed 4/5 days this week, which is good. I need to sub 20 days a month to make my expenses. So I'll probably be a little short this month, but hopefully it won't be too bad... I hope.
As for the subbing, it's been fine. two days at a middle school, two at a high school, no biggie. I'm sure I'll screw up eventually... >.> Right now I'm trying to get some english job applications together, but they require a passport... which is another 145 dollars for a passport book. Sigh... So I'll fudge that part of the application and if they'll give me a job, THEN I'll get it. ::Crosses fingers.::
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SparkyTheDiamondDog Sun Jan 12, 2014 2:22 pm
@Somber I don't know if it has been discussed yet, but because Rampage is more or less a FMA:B homunculus, is it possible that her Phoenix talisman/Philosophers stone will ever run out of regenerative ability and shatter?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Jan 12, 2014 2:28 pm
Ah, thank you.Vergil wrote:Ch.55: "Did that bullet knock some extra smarts into of your brain, Blackjack?"
"The the button was pushed, then the next tried it."
"I tried to pick her red bar out from the others; it certain had to be the one moving the most."
"He nudged down the glasses enough to look at me with filmy purplish eye"
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scienza Sun Jan 12, 2014 2:47 pm
Since it's powered by anywhere from eight to fifty souls, each of which is infinite (or as near to infinite as possible), I don't imagine that it'd run out at any foreseeable pointSparkyTheDiamondDog wrote:@Somber I don't know if it has been discussed yet, but because Rampage is more or less a FMA:B homunculus, is it possible that her Phoenix talisman/Philosophers stone will ever run out of regenerative ability and shatter?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Sun Jan 12, 2014 7:46 pm
Yeah, I personally think the more likely concern is Rampage's, that she may end up the last living thing in the universe. Also, from a plot and character arc perspective, well, it seems like if it just ran down or suddenly failed, well, that would be too easy, especially if it were to happen soon. She doesn't need to learn to accept who and what she is, she doesn't need to find what to do with her life, etc.Scienza wrote:Since it's powered by anywhere from eight to fifty souls, each of which is infinite (or as near to infinite as possible), I don't imagine that it'd run out at any foreseeable pointSparkyTheDiamondDog wrote:@Somber I don't know if it has been discussed yet, but because Rampage is more or less a FMA:B homunculus, is it possible that her Phoenix talisman/Philosophers stone will ever run out of regenerative ability and shatter?
And from a practical standpoint, I suspect that powering a huge, impervious (dragon magic, being cheating, doesn't count), and invincible shield would exhaust the soul faster than regenerating does, and that may well overpower the (likely) greater starting point from having a true alicorn's soul as the source compared to a bunch of ponies' and a zebra's.
- Chapter Two Running Thoughts:
- Whoa. A PH chapter that doesn't compress the box on the GDocs scrollbar to the minimum size? Let's see . . . barely over 12,000 words after removing start and end material—what is this madness!?
Of course, we knew that the outside hadn’t always been deadly, but there wasn’t much in the school about how it used to be except grainy pictures in books.
But why grainy? Especially with Rarity's ministry approving all published material? Unless perhaps they were redone after the end, which would make sense from an internal propaganda perspective.
There was some… stuff? Shrubs? Trees?--that I hoped would make us harder targets when he did eventually step out. For now, our direction was ‘downhill’ and our speed was ‘for our lives’.
The narrative style has real personality here, and follows well from the end of the last chapter's "so why was I smiling?"
If these ponies killed foals so casually, P-21 would be no better off in their hooves. It would be more merciful if I just shot him myself and made it clean.
No. I couldn’t do that.
Even when dismissed out of hand, the fact it occurs to Blackjack immediately matters, I think, and the struggle against "sometimes dead is better," even as applied to others, never seems to go away for long.
I hate to admit that, after everything I’d been through, it was just the simple sky that made me wet my barding.
If it had been vomiting and she hadn't already been emptied out from doing so in 99, this may have been a really short story in comparison.
She... he-- The voice didn’t sound very mare-ish; I sort of imagined a robotic P-21 behind that speaker-- he was just controlling it from afar?
Nice touch on the gender-identification. But bear in mind P-21 has and will again pass as having a female voice.
“Oh… no no no. We’re not friends. In fact, we really just met today…” when I rounded him up to be retired. My laugh withered as P-21 just looked away. “Okay, awkward.”
Yeah. Would have been better if that were the case.
Now all you need is some direction. Might I suggest west? You might find something useful that way. Lastly, make friends. The more ponies you have looking out for you, the better your chances.
"Go west, young mare." Also, I can't help but think of Spike reading the end of Celestia's letter to Twilight in the series premiere, but without the "some."
“You want to wait here for them? You heard how they were treating U-21. Is that what you really want?” He hung his head, hissing softly through his teeth as he clenched his eyes.
I about echoed that, because for all that it's not really her fault on a personal level, Blackack is painfully missing the point. Of course, on balance, she is being a little more practical at the moment.
“Don’t touch me!” he blurted. Funny. I would have thought a male would be used to being touched. Of course, when I pulled away, he nearly fell over. Again. He flushed, closing his eyes. “Please don’t touch me... a lot.” Wow, he sounded like he was begging; maybe he was hurt worse than I thought?
I guess it's more of the same, but with more conflict within P-21.
Maybe we’d get lucky and run across a miraculously skilled unicorn surgeon who worked for free? I could keep my mind off the sky above trying to work out the odds for that one!
Did medical charge in 99? But then, I guess there were the non-primary parts of 99, the illegal stills and such, where there was an exchange economy. Speaking of, was the nature of "bits" in 99 excised in the revisions, or was it just introduced later on?
I could also make out the rainbow swirl on the pools and several rusted barrels sticking out of the water. More barrels were spilling from a large smashed vehicle that looked as if it’d just fallen from the sky into the center of the fields.
Sounds like they were lucky that the pools were also radioactive, or they'd be looking at taint poisoning.
‘Hoofington’s Angel of Death strikes again!’ declared one headline. ‘Four foals filleted,’ said the one beneath.
For a moment, I thought he was going to launch into a new tirade of anger, but it seemed like I’d exhausted his supply for now. Instead, he looked almost... guilty. He didn’t answer for a minute as he tapped the keys, and then said softly, “She was close to me.”
Could be various sources of guilt, but good answer at the end.
Instead, they’re going on and on about how heroic he was. Makes me want to spit. Big Macintosh wasn’t a hero for saving Celestia. He was a hero because he’d have tried to save anypony who didn’t deserve to die.
This has always been one of my favorite little passages from the story, and consistently stuck with me. I'll admit, though, that for a while I thought it was from FoE and was surprised when it never came up in a search. I guess that's one of the downsides of reading the two interspersed.
I sent Marigold and her foal up that way since they can’t reach 90 in time
Ain’t seen anypony since that black mare snuck in the barn. Invited her inside, but she just skedaddled.
Seven entries over ten years? Really just three, with the time from Luna's ascension to the throne to burying Granny Smith. Hoss isn't very good at keeping a journal.
I didn’t want bullets. I wanted seven entries of Hoss telling me how wonderful life was.
. . .
“Do you want to do something about it?”
“Do? What do you mean?” I asked in confusion.
“Well, you can sit there and cry,” he said as he rose with a groan, leg brace squealing softly before he limped towards the door, “Or we can do what he asked.”
I like how the two are already starting to work together, sometimes for more than just survival, complementing each other's strengths, and most of all, getting to see how there's more within the other than they had given them credit for.
Good stuff with the Applejack figurine. Very simple, it's true, but there's some genuine emotion coming from Blackjack, and her trusting P-21, and his taking her seriously.
And, even if I dealt with Deus somehow… another big ‘if’… there was still the pony who sent him. If she could send one small army to invade my stable just to get the file, she could probably send another.
Ah, Blackjack, not paying attention. Not that it especially matters, but you did hear the "who," and read that it's a "he." But you've had a lot on your plate.
He was the pony that had told the raiders how to use the bloody PipBucks to find the security mares; no other raider could know.
I guess it's not the worst assumption, but I bet the right person could get into a terminal and get the records to determine which tags were for security personnel.
Then I got shot in the ass. . . . I looked back, and my eyes met the shocked face on P-21. He was shaking as he bit down on the brown unicorn’s gun. I calmly put the safety back on, and just in the nick of time, as he pulled the trigger a few more times. The friendly fire had turned my E.F.S. red. I supposed it was the first time he’d shot a gun.
Probably the first time, yeah. But would friendly fire turn E.F.S. red? Personally, I'd suspect not, but then, we're dealing with an oblivious and none-too-smart protagonist at the moment, and it's her thoughts that matter.
“Yeah, thank goodness you didn’t waste the ammo on that mare.” I glanced down the hallway with a frown at the mare in the door to the bedroom. That was completely different.
I think I'd go with "yes." Mercy killing and execution are categorically different. Of course, that fact doesn't exactly reflect well on our hero right now. Not great at not being an executioner just yet, but then again, it's not yet developed to a real ethos so much as just being the reason she didn't kill P-21 herself in chapter one.
“Then I’ll die, but I’m not taking it.” He stared me right in the eyes. “And if you were smart, you wouldn’t want me to have it.” Ugh, more cryptic, angry statements...
You know, especially in the early chapters, reading quickly and not thinking too hard about things really makes for a different story, one that, I think, much more closely resembles Blackjack's experiences. Think too much, apply too much perspective—not just knowledge of what happens later, but even basic, ingrained morality from the world outside the story—and you're no longer particularly close to seeing and hearing and thinking and feeling what Blackjack does.
Then I spotted the two raiders on the roof of the large square building.
. . .
Their patrol along the roof would take them out of sight for a minute or so. I could run for the front doors then. There was just one catch. I looked back at P-21. “Well?”
He didn’t seem to know, himself. Finally, though, he looked at me and nodded once.
Because going around the tiny, abandoned town would be impossible.
I only had thirteen or fourteen shells and... and I hadn’t bothered to check how much ammo I had for the revolver or auto pistols.
Great job, officer. Your mother and C.O. would be so proud of you right now.
P-21 immediately dropped the head and wiped his hooves on my barding. I just looked at him a moment, wondering if he really just did that. Then he flushed. “Sorry.”
I wasn't really expecting a funny—cute, even—bit in this scene. Okay, funny, sure. The cute, less so.
“I don’t trust myself with a gun right now…” He looked away. “I’m glad you know who you’re supposed to shoot. I feel like I want to shoot everypony. You know who to shoot.” Somehow, I suspected he wasn’t talking about my PipBuck’s Eyes-Forward Sparkle.
Him shooting me in the farmhouse... and trying to fire again after I hit the safety... those had been accidents... right?
Starting to get it, a little. But not the why, or, perhaps, even how specific it is to 99/mares.
I took a deep breath and did my best to summon my most ‘Nightmare Moon may care’ smile.
I like the ponification of that phrase, but I wonder just how much Luna liked it.
I looked right into her jaundiced face and yellowed eyes with their tiny, pinprick pupils and gave a little shake of my head. The shotgun floating three feet from her head probably helped. Instantly, my PipBuck tag swapped from red to yellow as she dropped the bomb and raced for the exit as fast as her legs could carry her.
I have to wonder just what motivated Blackjack not to shoot, there, when the mark was still red. A charitable read might have it be based on an expansive interpretation of P-21's admonition not to kill someone who's already finished, no longer a threat. Then again, there wasn't anything indicating that thought process. Could have just been for the laughs, and that bought the raider the time to fall to yellow. Or, perhaps, Blackjack is being more hesitant to kill mares. At the least, I have a feeling I know which of those P-21 sees.
Why were the raiders butchering ponies if they had other food, though? It was just crazy.
Yes. Yes, it is.
“There weren’t any shotgun shells, but there’s another automatic pistol and some ammo.” He seemed a bit put out about finding a gun in a school.
I would be, too, but at this point, no longer surprised depending on the state.
“Finders are a buncha ponies what find stuff. They trade and swap fer the darnedest stuff. Even junk, but they pay good for ammo, weapons, or anything we find that we don’t use. They’ll trade with almost anypony.”
That captured NPC exposition almost too well.
- Chapter Two Overall Thoughts:
- Laid some threads. Little ones included the Angel of Death, Marigold, Psalm, and perhaps Macintosh. Watcher. Got the first figurine, Applejack, and introduced that their presence can affect the person who has them, with Blackjack wanting to be completely honest when discussing whether to keep it. There's the start of "red it's dead," and some consequences from it.
Hoss's journal and burial were the emotional highlight of the chapter, I think, in addition to providing exposition. The best of it, of course, was "Big Macintosh wasn’t a hero for saving Celestia. He was a hero because he’d have tried to save anypony who didn’t deserve to die."
The almost-execution of U-21 was something I'd not expect to see later on, but works as an act of passion against someone Blackjack saw as a traitor to the stable and who had been, a moment before, fighting for her capture. P-21's reaction, shooting her, was an important one leading into his refusal to carry a gun. The way he bitterly noted that Blackjack didn't finish off the mare bleeding out but was about to kill U-21 could be taken in a couple of different ways. One is that he thought it was wrong Blackjack would execute U-21 after he was no longer a threat, but not put the raider out of her pain from having her throat and face shredded. Perhaps more likely, and the interpretation Blackjack suspects P-21 holds, is that Blackjack wanted the raider to live and didn't finish her off because she was a mare. The fact that later on, Blackjack gives another raider mare time to go yellow on E.F.S. probably doesn't help with this perception, but the result of her going to get help and that biting Blackjack in the ass will probably serve as a teachable moment.
Blackjack, for her part, is starting to see that all is not well between her and P-21, that they aren't friends. Naturally, she hasn't picked up on why, yet, and maybe not even the fact that although he has plenty of hate and anger for seemingly the whole world, most of that is directed at the mares of 99. But it's interesting to note that maybe even the other males showed up as red on his E.F.S. in the stable, based on what he said to her following the "red it's dead" suggestion.
Otherwise, Blackjack has her first experience as a "hero" outside the stable, rescuing a group of crusaders including a filly named Scoodle from some raiders holding them to sell them to slavers, after Watcher sneakily pointed her in the right direction.
- Chapter Two Editing:
- Apparently, recycled wafers grew on things called ‘trees’ while there was an edible carpet called grass everywhere.
"grass" should be in single-quotes
“Why?” I gasped, panting.
Blackjack?” P-21 said, first with annoyance and then with
should have only one space after quotation
She... he-- The voice didn’t sound very mare-ish; I sort of imagined a robotic P-21 behind that speaker-- he was just controlling it from afar?
symmetrical spacing around dashes, no capitalization of "The"?
I looked around for the spritebot to ask Watcher if he’d done something to my Pipbuck,
"PipBuck"
“Your leg?” I asked him as I knelt.
Should have only one space after quotation
cried out as he fell on his side. I knelt beside him,
Only one space after period
“Don’t...? Don’t what?” I said with my ears
should have only one space after quotation
“Your leg! I’m sorry.” I said as I got off
period to comma, should have only one space after quotation
‘Hoofington’s Angel of Death strikes again!’ declared one headline. ‘Four foals filleted,’ said the one beneath.
comma to outside of quotes?
“What?” He said defensively as he looked away
should have only one space after quotation, "He" shouldn't be capitalized.
Pissiest... male... ever... “I was just trying to lighten the mood,” I said in a softer voice.
second space after last ellipsis?
miracle the terminal still worked. I also found a locked ammo
only one space after period
“You two close?” I said, now feeling genuinely curious
should have only one space after quotation
“Do? What do you mean?” I asked in confusion.
“Would it be okay?” I asked softly.
Should have only one space after quotation
barely escaped once. Could I just ‘lose’
Deus enough to have him be after me personally. And, even if I dealt with
still the pony who sent him. If she could send one small
Maybe it was blocked by the stable walls. “She better
Two were back in the living room. They reached
only one space after period.
barding and Wasteland ‘armor.’
period to outside of quotes
We were going to make a mess of each other… and then my magic reached out
should have only one space after ellipsis, or "and" should be capitalized
He was going to be useless. “Let’s
only one space after period
“Flooded Fields” lay behind us, and this town was apparently called “Withers”.
these should be single-quotes
I could run for the front doors then. There was just one
only one space after period
Then I glimpsed the word above the front door: ‘School.’
period to outside of quotes
I took a deep breath and did my best to summon my most ‘Nightmare Moon may care’ smile.
Ideally hyphenated, but the splitting of "devil" makes it odder. "Nightmare Moon–may-care"?
Eh, not a big deal.
I have to admit, the expression on her face was pretty funny.
"have" to "had"
but at least they were still alive. Suddenly, the girls started
only one space after period
“I didn’t...” He stammered.
"He" shouldn't be capitalized
“Somepony shot me. In the back.” I growled, glancing up at him.
if what was in the quotation was growled, second period to comma and only one space after quotation. If growl is separate, maintain as-is
snuck up behind you, and I thought they’d killed you.” P-21 said quietly
period to comma
“And who killed them?” I asked as I looked at him with
should have only one space after quotation
finding a gun in a school. “The nurse’s
only one space after period
- Other Editing:
- 8: She gestured to my Pipbuck. I nodded. Glory looked down at me and said softly, “We’re friends, right?”
"PipBuck"
23: “Well I was just a baby at the time,” he replied with a modest smile.
comma after "well"?
36: He had my Pipbuck, and I now had an empty hoof.
"PipBuck"
58: but they didn’t stop every medical signal on my Pipbuck from flashing red as I was hit
I would have lingered, but the ash was making my Pipbuck tick.
Scotch Tape returned my Delta Pipbuck to where it belonged as P-21 held her.
"PipBuck"
59: I peered down at the Pipbuck screen.
"PipBuck"
62.I: I said as I opened my broadcaster and selected Glory’s Pipbuck.
"PipBuck"
Icy Shake- Alicorn
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scienza Sun Jan 12, 2014 9:06 pm
I've just got this image of Rampage sitting in front of a circle of foals, telling the legend of the Security Mare centuries after the end of the story.Icy Shake wrote:Yeah, I personally think the more likely concern is Rampage's, that she may end up the last living thing in the universe. Also, from a plot and character arc perspective, well, it seems like if it just ran down or suddenly failed, well, that would be too easy, especially if it were to happen soon. She doesn't need to learn to accept who and what she is, she doesn't need to find what to do with her life, etc.Scienza wrote:Since it's powered by anywhere from eight to fifty souls, each of which is infinite (or as near to infinite as possible), I don't imagine that it'd run out at any foreseeable pointSparkyTheDiamondDog wrote:@Somber I don't know if it has been discussed yet, but because Rampage is more or less a FMA:B homunculus, is it possible that her Phoenix talisman/Philosophers stone will ever run out of regenerative ability and shatter?
And from a practical standpoint, I suspect that powering a huge, impervious (dragon magic, being cheating, doesn't count), and invincible shield would exhaust the soul faster than regenerating does, and that may well overpower the (likely) greater starting point from having a true alicorn's soul as the source compared to a bunch of ponies' and a zebra's.
Also, this has probably been debated to death, but could the star-sword (or Key or whatever we're calling it) destroy the Phoenix Talisman, therefore killing Rampage? It was able to destroy soul jars in the past, so presumably the Phoenix Talisman would just take longer due to the crazy number of souls.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Sun Jan 12, 2014 10:13 pm
I pretty much figure "Why not?" What I don't remember is if Rampage knows that it can destroy soul jars. I have to assume she doesn't, because otherwise I figure she'd ask Blackjack to give it a shot. And if Rampage doesn't know, well, Blackjack has shown no interest in actually helping her die, no matter the promises she makes to the contrary. But if Rampage finds out Blackjack was hiding this from her, I expect there'll be some fireworks, because she was pretty unhappy about learning that Blackjack had Folly and never told her.Scienza wrote:I've just got this image of Rampage sitting in front of a circle of foals, telling the legend of the Security Mare centuries after the end of the story.
Also, this has probably been debated to death, but could the star-sword (or Key or whatever we're calling it) destroy the Phoenix Talisman, therefore killing Rampage? It was able to destroy soul jars in the past, so presumably the Phoenix Talisman would just take longer due to the crazy number of souls.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Jan 13, 2014 1:26 am
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 8 Somber11](https://i.servimg.com/u/f31/17/51/22/96/somber11.jpg)
And 63 is out! There's a lot of good stuff in this one. :D
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vergil Mon Jan 13, 2014 1:29 am
Nice! I'm going to try and wait on tthat since I'm back up to 55, so hopefully I can ignore posts till then...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by WavemasterRyx Mon Jan 13, 2014 1:38 am
*hugs Somber and Hinds each gently*
Well, I have my copy downloaded, hopefully I'll be able to read it tonight. I'm glad you were able to get through the brushing okay.
Well, I have my copy downloaded, hopefully I'll be able to read it tonight. I'm glad you were able to get through the brushing okay.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Mon Jan 13, 2014 1:47 am
It's half an hour to midnight on Sunday evening.O. Hinds wrote:
And 63 is out! There's a lot of good stuff in this one. :D
You are a monster.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Jan 13, 2014 2:04 am
Ah, thank you very much as always.Icy Shake wrote:Yeah, I personally think the more likely concern is Rampage's, that she may end up the last living thing in the universe. Also, from a plot and character arc perspective, well, it seems like if it just ran down or suddenly failed, well, that would be too easy, especially if it were to happen soon. She doesn't need to learn to accept who and what she is, she doesn't need to find what to do with her life, etc.Scienza wrote:Since it's powered by anywhere from eight to fifty souls, each of which is infinite (or as near to infinite as possible), I don't imagine that it'd run out at any foreseeable pointSparkyTheDiamondDog wrote:@Somber I don't know if it has been discussed yet, but because Rampage is more or less a FMA:B homunculus, is it possible that her Phoenix talisman/Philosophers stone will ever run out of regenerative ability and shatter?
And from a practical standpoint, I suspect that powering a huge, impervious (dragon magic, being cheating, doesn't count), and invincible shield would exhaust the soul faster than regenerating does, and that may well overpower the (likely) greater starting point from having a true alicorn's soul as the source compared to a bunch of ponies' and a zebra's.
- Chapter Two Running Thoughts:
Of course, we knew that the outside hadn’t always been deadly, but there wasn’t much in the school about how it used to be except grainy pictures in books.
But why grainy? Especially with Rarity's ministry approving all published material? Unless perhaps they were redone after the end, which would make sense from an internal propaganda perspective.
There was some… stuff? Shrubs? Trees?--that I hoped would make us harder targets when he did eventually step out. For now, our direction was ‘downhill’ and our speed was ‘for our lives’.
The narrative style has real personality here, and follows well from the end of the last chapter's "so why was I smiling?"
If these ponies killed foals so casually, P-21 would be no better off in their hooves. It would be more merciful if I just shot him myself and made it clean.
No. I couldn’t do that.
Even when dismissed out of hand, the fact it occurs to Blackjack immediately matters, I think, and the struggle against "sometimes dead is better," even as applied to others, never seems to go away for long.
I hate to admit that, after everything I’d been through, it was just the simple sky that made me wet my barding.
If it had been vomiting and she hadn't already been emptied out from doing so in 99, this may have been a really short story in comparison.
She... he-- The voice didn’t sound very mare-ish; I sort of imagined a robotic P-21 behind that speaker-- he was just controlling it from afar?
Nice touch on the gender-identification. But bear in mind P-21 has and will again pass as having a female voice.
“Oh… no no no. We’re not friends. In fact, we really just met today…” when I rounded him up to be retired. My laugh withered as P-21 just looked away. “Okay, awkward.”
Yeah. Would have been better if that were the case.
Now all you need is some direction. Might I suggest west? You might find something useful that way. Lastly, make friends. The more ponies you have looking out for you, the better your chances.
"Go west, young mare." Also, I can't help but think of Spike reading the end of Celestia's letter to Twilight in the series premiere, but without the "some."
“You want to wait here for them? You heard how they were treating U-21. Is that what you really want?” He hung his head, hissing softly through his teeth as he clenched his eyes.
I about echoed that, because for all that it's not really her fault on a personal level, Blackack is painfully missing the point. Of course, on balance, she is being a little more practical at the moment.
“Don’t touch me!” he blurted. Funny. I would have thought a male would be used to being touched. Of course, when I pulled away, he nearly fell over. Again. He flushed, closing his eyes. “Please don’t touch me... a lot.” Wow, he sounded like he was begging; maybe he was hurt worse than I thought?
I guess it's more of the same, but with more conflict within P-21.
Maybe we’d get lucky and run across a miraculously skilled unicorn surgeon who worked for free? I could keep my mind off the sky above trying to work out the odds for that one!
Did medical charge in 99? But then, I guess there were the non-primary parts of 99, the illegal stills and such, where there was an exchange economy. Speaking of, was the nature of "bits" in 99 excised in the revisions, or was it just introduced later on?
I could also make out the rainbow swirl on the pools and several rusted barrels sticking out of the water. More barrels were spilling from a large smashed vehicle that looked as if it’d just fallen from the sky into the center of the fields.
Sounds like they were lucky that the pools were also radioactive, or they'd be looking at taint poisoning.
‘Hoofington’s Angel of Death strikes again!’ declared one headline. ‘Four foals filleted,’ said the one beneath.
For a moment, I thought he was going to launch into a new tirade of anger, but it seemed like I’d exhausted his supply for now. Instead, he looked almost... guilty. He didn’t answer for a minute as he tapped the keys, and then said softly, “She was close to me.”
Could be various sources of guilt, but good answer at the end.
Instead, they’re going on and on about how heroic he was. Makes me want to spit. Big Macintosh wasn’t a hero for saving Celestia. He was a hero because he’d have tried to save anypony who didn’t deserve to die.
This has always been one of my favorite little passages from the story, and consistently stuck with me. I'll admit, though, that for a while I thought it was from FoE and was surprised when it never came up in a search. I guess that's one of the downsides of reading the two interspersed.
I sent Marigold and her foal up that way since they can’t reach 90 in time
Ain’t seen anypony since that black mare snuck in the barn. Invited her inside, but she just skedaddled.
Seven entries over ten years? Really just three, with the time from Luna's ascension to the throne to burying Granny Smith. Hoss isn't very good at keeping a journal.
I didn’t want bullets. I wanted seven entries of Hoss telling me how wonderful life was.
. . .
“Do you want to do something about it?”
“Do? What do you mean?” I asked in confusion.
“Well, you can sit there and cry,” he said as he rose with a groan, leg brace squealing softly before he limped towards the door, “Or we can do what he asked.”
I like how the two are already starting to work together, sometimes for more than just survival, complementing each other's strengths, and most of all, getting to see how there's more within the other than they had given them credit for.
Good stuff with the Applejack figurine. Very simple, it's true, but there's some genuine emotion coming from Blackjack, and her trusting P-21, and his taking her seriously.
And, even if I dealt with Deus somehow… another big ‘if’… there was still the pony who sent him. If she could send one small army to invade my stable just to get the file, she could probably send another.
Ah, Blackjack, not paying attention. Not that it especially matters, but you did hear the "who," and read that it's a "he." But you've had a lot on your plate.
He was the pony that had told the raiders how to use the bloody PipBucks to find the security mares; no other raider could know.
I guess it's not the worst assumption, but I bet the right person could get into a terminal and get the records to determine which tags were for security personnel.
Then I got shot in the ass. . . . I looked back, and my eyes met the shocked face on P-21. He was shaking as he bit down on the brown unicorn’s gun. I calmly put the safety back on, and just in the nick of time, as he pulled the trigger a few more times. The friendly fire had turned my E.F.S. red. I supposed it was the first time he’d shot a gun.
Probably the first time, yeah. But would friendly fire turn E.F.S. red? Personally, I'd suspect not, but then, we're dealing with an oblivious and none-too-smart protagonist at the moment, and it's her thoughts that matter.
“Yeah, thank goodness you didn’t waste the ammo on that mare.” I glanced down the hallway with a frown at the mare in the door to the bedroom. That was completely different.
I think I'd go with "yes." Mercy killing and execution are categorically different. Of course, that fact doesn't exactly reflect well on our hero right now. Not great at not being an executioner just yet, but then again, it's not yet developed to a real ethos so much as just being the reason she didn't kill P-21 herself in chapter one.
“Then I’ll die, but I’m not taking it.” He stared me right in the eyes. “And if you were smart, you wouldn’t want me to have it.” Ugh, more cryptic, angry statements...
You know, especially in the early chapters, reading quickly and not thinking too hard about things really makes for a different story, one that, I think, much more closely resembles Blackjack's experiences. Think too much, apply too much perspective—not just knowledge of what happens later, but even basic, ingrained morality from the world outside the story—and you're no longer particularly close to seeing and hearing and thinking and feeling what Blackjack does.
Then I spotted the two raiders on the roof of the large square building.
. . .
Their patrol along the roof would take them out of sight for a minute or so. I could run for the front doors then. There was just one catch. I looked back at P-21. “Well?”
He didn’t seem to know, himself. Finally, though, he looked at me and nodded once.
Because going around the tiny, abandoned town would be impossible.
I only had thirteen or fourteen shells and... and I hadn’t bothered to check how much ammo I had for the revolver or auto pistols.
Great job, officer. Your mother and C.O. would be so proud of you right now.
P-21 immediately dropped the head and wiped his hooves on my barding. I just looked at him a moment, wondering if he really just did that. Then he flushed. “Sorry.”
I wasn't really expecting a funny—cute, even—bit in this scene. Okay, funny, sure. The cute, less so.
“I don’t trust myself with a gun right now…” He looked away. “I’m glad you know who you’re supposed to shoot. I feel like I want to shoot everypony. You know who to shoot.” Somehow, I suspected he wasn’t talking about my PipBuck’s Eyes-Forward Sparkle.
Him shooting me in the farmhouse... and trying to fire again after I hit the safety... those had been accidents... right?
Starting to get it, a little. But not the why, or, perhaps, even how specific it is to 99/mares.
I took a deep breath and did my best to summon my most ‘Nightmare Moon may care’ smile.
I like the ponification of that phrase, but I wonder just how much Luna liked it.
I looked right into her jaundiced face and yellowed eyes with their tiny, pinprick pupils and gave a little shake of my head. The shotgun floating three feet from her head probably helped. Instantly, my PipBuck tag swapped from red to yellow as she dropped the bomb and raced for the exit as fast as her legs could carry her.
I have to wonder just what motivated Blackjack not to shoot, there, when the mark was still red. A charitable read might have it be based on an expansive interpretation of P-21's admonition not to kill someone who's already finished, no longer a threat. Then again, there wasn't anything indicating that thought process. Could have just been for the laughs, and that bought the raider the time to fall to yellow. Or, perhaps, Blackjack is being more hesitant to kill mares. At the least, I have a feeling I know which of those P-21 sees.
Why were the raiders butchering ponies if they had other food, though? It was just crazy.
Yes. Yes, it is.
“There weren’t any shotgun shells, but there’s another automatic pistol and some ammo.” He seemed a bit put out about finding a gun in a school.
I would be, too, but at this point, no longer surprised depending on the state.
“Finders are a buncha ponies what find stuff. They trade and swap fer the darnedest stuff. Even junk, but they pay good for ammo, weapons, or anything we find that we don’t use. They’ll trade with almost anypony.”
That captured NPC exposition almost too well.
- Chapter Two Overall Thoughts:
Hoss's journal and burial were the emotional highlight of the chapter, I think, in addition to providing exposition. The best of it, of course, was "Big Macintosh wasn’t a hero for saving Celestia. He was a hero because he’d have tried to save anypony who didn’t deserve to die."
The almost-execution of U-21 was something I'd not expect to see later on, but works as an act of passion against someone Blackjack saw as a traitor to the stable and who had been, a moment before, fighting for her capture. P-21's reaction, shooting her, was an important one leading into his refusal to carry a gun. The way he bitterly noted that Blackjack didn't finish off the mare bleeding out but was about to kill U-21 could be taken in a couple of different ways. One is that he thought it was wrong Blackjack would execute U-21 after he was no longer a threat, but not put the raider out of her pain from having her throat and face shredded. Perhaps more likely, and the interpretation Blackjack suspects P-21 holds, is that Blackjack wanted the raider to live and didn't finish her off because she was a mare. The fact that later on, Blackjack gives another raider mare time to go yellow on E.F.S. probably doesn't help with this perception, but the result of her going to get help and that biting Blackjack in the ass will probably serve as a teachable moment.
Blackjack, for her part, is starting to see that all is not well between her and P-21, that they aren't friends. Naturally, she hasn't picked up on why, yet, and maybe not even the fact that although he has plenty of hate and anger for seemingly the whole world, most of that is directed at the mares of 99. But it's interesting to note that maybe even the other males showed up as red on his E.F.S. in the stable, based on what he said to her following the "red it's dead" suggestion.
Otherwise, Blackjack has her first experience as a "hero" outside the stable, rescuing a group of crusaders including a filly named Scoodle from some raiders holding them to sell them to slavers, after Watcher sneakily pointed her in the right direction.
- Chapter Two Editing:
"grass" should be in single-quotes
“Why?” I gasped, panting.
Blackjack?” P-21 said, first with annoyance and then with
should have only one space after quotation
She... he-- The voice didn’t sound very mare-ish; I sort of imagined a robotic P-21 behind that speaker-- he was just controlling it from afar?
symmetrical spacing around dashes, no capitalization of "The"?
I looked around for the spritebot to ask Watcher if he’d done something to my Pipbuck,
"PipBuck"
“Your leg?” I asked him as I knelt.
Should have only one space after quotation
cried out as he fell on his side. I knelt beside him,
Only one space after period
“Don’t...? Don’t what?” I said with my ears
should have only one space after quotation
“Your leg! I’m sorry.” I said as I got off
period to comma, should have only one space after quotation
‘Hoofington’s Angel of Death strikes again!’ declared one headline. ‘Four foals filleted,’ said the one beneath.
comma to outside of quotes?
“What?” He said defensively as he looked away
should have only one space after quotation, "He" shouldn't be capitalized.
Pissiest... male... ever... “I was just trying to lighten the mood,” I said in a softer voice.
second space after last ellipsis?
miracle the terminal still worked. I also found a locked ammo
only one space after period
“You two close?” I said, now feeling genuinely curious
should have only one space after quotation
“Do? What do you mean?” I asked in confusion.
“Would it be okay?” I asked softly.
Should have only one space after quotation
barely escaped once. Could I just ‘lose’
Deus enough to have him be after me personally. And, even if I dealt with
still the pony who sent him. If she could send one small
Maybe it was blocked by the stable walls. “She better
Two were back in the living room. They reached
only one space after period.
barding and Wasteland ‘armor.’
period to outside of quotes
We were going to make a mess of each other… and then my magic reached out
should have only one space after ellipsis, or "and" should be capitalized
He was going to be useless. “Let’s
only one space after period
“Flooded Fields” lay behind us, and this town was apparently called “Withers”.
these should be single-quotes
I could run for the front doors then. There was just one
only one space after period
Then I glimpsed the word above the front door: ‘School.’
period to outside of quotes
I took a deep breath and did my best to summon my most ‘Nightmare Moon may care’ smile.
Ideally hyphenated, but the splitting of "devil" makes it odder. "Nightmare Moon–may-care"?
Eh, not a big deal.
I have to admit, the expression on her face was pretty funny.
"have" to "had"
but at least they were still alive. Suddenly, the girls started
only one space after period
“I didn’t...” He stammered.
"He" shouldn't be capitalized
“Somepony shot me. In the back.” I growled, glancing up at him.
if what was in the quotation was growled, second period to comma and only one space after quotation. If growl is separate, maintain as-is
snuck up behind you, and I thought they’d killed you.” P-21 said quietly
period to comma
“And who killed them?” I asked as I looked at him with
should have only one space after quotation
finding a gun in a school. “The nurse’s
only one space after period
- Other Editing:
"PipBuck"
23: “Well I was just a baby at the time,” he replied with a modest smile.
comma after "well"?
36: He had my Pipbuck, and I now had an empty hoof.
"PipBuck"
58: but they didn’t stop every medical signal on my Pipbuck from flashing red as I was hit
I would have lingered, but the ash was making my Pipbuck tick.
Scotch Tape returned my Delta Pipbuck to where it belonged as P-21 held her.
"PipBuck"
59: I peered down at the Pipbuck screen.
"PipBuck"
62.I: I said as I opened my broadcaster and selected Glory’s Pipbuck.
"PipBuck"
Hey, give us a break; it was early days. :DIcy Shake wrote:Whoa. A PH chapter that doesn't compress the box on the GDocs scrollbar to the minimum size? Let's see . . . barely over 12,000 words after removing start and end material—what is this madness!?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by skibadaa Mon Jan 13, 2014 4:13 am
YEAHH! New story arc commence! Have an Ultra Sentinel: ![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 8 Robronco_ultra_sentinel_by_skibadaa-d71zo9a](https://2img.net/h/th03.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/f/2014/012/4/1/robronco_ultra_sentinel_by_skibadaa-d71zo9a.jpg)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Train Dodger Mon Jan 13, 2014 5:53 am
This chapter brings with it some interesting revelations indeed.
Oh, and also:
CH57: Bottlecap continued, “Ursury, Caprice, and I are the daughters he’s confirmed are his. Charity…”
Typo: [Ursury] > [Usury]
- Overview:
- I really like how the Perceptitron gave us a glimpse of what was going on in the rest of the wasteland. A clever use for that gadget. What the hell has Blackjack been doing all this time? Workin' up the nerve to go down below? Avoiding robot sentries? Just trying to subsist on salvage in the Core while figuring out what the hell to do next?
Also, Psalm. Wow.
I thought it'd be touching if RD, Fluttershy and Whisper had a bit of a reunion, eventually. I sense epilogue material.
They're so close to unlocking the secret of Enervation.
Dawn's meddling certainly explains why the Harbingers weren't nearly as effective as they could have been, what with the materiel they had access to. Their timidity and lack of training was also a major impediment.
And Cognitum's such a shit, too. Go rough her up some, BJ!
- Chapter 63 Proofing:
- “I don’t mind. Indeed, I’m glad to find a way to help Stronghoof. If he’d been a different kind of stallion, things could have been made very difficult for us. To be honest, I quite like a chance to be outside. If I didn’t have obligations to my stable, I might try travelling a bit further afield,” she said sincerely.
Typo: The double L spelling is British. Should be "traveling".“I have an aunt and uncle there. They should be safe. Doesn’t help its even further west, though.”
Grammar: [its] > [it's]“It won’t.” Twister just stared in stunned silence as old gray mare took another drink.
Grammar: [as old gray mare] > [as the old gray mare]It the dim confines of the ship, three glasses clinked together.
Grammar: [It] > [In]“Observing a section of space about a five months ago. It was the wavelength that stood out. Most stars don’t produce magic in this band. Blue. Yellow. Red. Even purple and pink. But there aren’t very many stars that produce a green wavelength of magic.”
Grammar: [about a five] > [about five]“Of course, considering the vast distances of space, the odds of it travelling to us is staggeringly small. Any sign of visitation and such would be of immense scientific and cultural significan--”
Typo/Grammar: Should be "traveling" and "are".“It’s always fun to question the psychology of a supposed higher power,” he chuckled. “And in this case, it led me to three disturbing possibilities. First, that your ‘Goddess’,” his pinions twitched in the air before him, “is completely insane and irrational. That would explain a lot.”
Prose: Poor Steel Rain. First he's purple (CH52), then he's pink (CH57). Now he's a pegasus. I blame Killing Joke.
That's all I could see just from a cursory read. The obvious stuff. There's probably more I missed (I didn't really linger on the punctuation stuff, and during the passages describing the Core, it occasionally lapses into present tense, but I figured that was a deliberate stylistic choice), but this particular chapter looks to be virtually picked clean already by the editing team. Nice work, guys!
Oh, and also:
CH57: Bottlecap continued, “Ursury, Caprice, and I are the daughters he’s confirmed are his. Charity…”
Typo: [Ursury] > [Usury]
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