Sister forum[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by WavemasterRyx Mon Jan 13, 2014 6:51 am
*hugs Somber gently*
I'll try to get a full commentary up as soon as possible, but I'll say again, I think this was a very good chapter. Thank you again, Somber, for taking the time to write it, and thank you to the editors for all the time you put into helping make this reality.
- Initial thoughts:
It was certainly a different kind of chapter from the rest of the story. Since she'd taken and not destroyed it, I was expecting the Perceptitron to play a role in this chapter, though I hadn't anticipated it being to such a large extent. Of course I am biased, but I thought that it was a strong and very well done chapter. It managed to cover a lot of ground, but with the bits describing the Core, it didn't feel to me like Blackjack was "missing" or anything.
I simply adored the parts with Scotch, Lancer, and that ending.
I'll try to get a full commentary up as soon as possible, but I'll say again, I think this was a very good chapter. Thank you again, Somber, for taking the time to write it, and thank you to the editors for all the time you put into helping make this reality.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Somber Mon Jan 13, 2014 11:14 am
Thanks folks. I look forward to the feedback. It really tells me if I pulled off the chapter or not.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Downloaded Skill Mon Jan 13, 2014 12:32 pm
Spoiling this question just to be sure.
- Spoiler:
I'm kind of curious about the reasons behind the time skip since the end of the last chapter. I can guess its been about three months since the implosion mega spell since the Steel Rangers declared her dead roughly three months ago. Rampage went in a month ago. We know BJ has been using the perceptitron to keep an eye on the outside, but we really don't know much about what Blackjack's been doing in the core. Why use a time skip now? The only other times there have been a time skip, IIRC, were times she was dead or resting, but this is in the middle of a very important part. Was this so we can have focus on the other characters without having to spend pages getting them to where they are now? I'm guessing in the next chapter there will be conversations between BJ, Boo, and Rampage explaining what they've been doing. It's a little jarring though to have this sudden time skip when it hasn't been done before. We usually see everything through BJ's eyes as the events are unfolding. I was somewhat confused what I started reading the new chapter, but it made sense after I finished it.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Borsuq Mon Jan 13, 2014 2:16 pm
So... the new chapter...
Oh, and juuust on a side note: I've been re-reading the whole story, and I think - I think! - I know what Rampage is.
- my thoughts (possible soilers):
- I didn't like it.
Now, don't get me wrong, it was a good chapter, I'm not saying it wasn't. It provided a lot of information as to what everbody has been doing, nice use of Perceptitron on Blackjack's part. Those are just my personal view and feelings regarding it. I didn't enjoy it as much as previous chapters mostly due to Blackjack being absent for most of it (yes, I know that technically she's been in there all the time, as it was her point of view on everything), and she's the best pony ever. Also Rampage was missing, and she's... 3rd best pony ever (after Homage ;p). But instead, this chapter got a bunch of cameos of ponies I personaly dislike (Psalm, Splendid, and Dawn), made me feel sorry for two of them (Psalm and Dawn), and had a cameo of pony I hate - Steel Rain. Why Cognitum can't let him die, again?
I also got frustrated with the time skip... and confused. I mean, at the beginning it's mentioned that it has been three months, but later that Rampage had gone into the Core a month earlier, and by the end she finds Blackjack and Boo, which either means that the chapter jumped around with the time a buch of times, or... that Rampage had just went there after waiting two months, which I find a tad weird, and it took her a month to find them (although, given how big Core must be, I can buy that).
But the major reason why I felt a slightly disappointed with this chapter was that it didn't have the one thing that I had been waiting for since the last one - Blackjack telling everypony that she's pregnant. I mean, the reaction of everypony would be... just priceless. I really hope that Chincenary guy or whatever (ah, another character I don't particulary care for - yeah, I know, he's fun, but I just don't dig him) didn't tell anypony, I still want them to be shocked.
This is what made my love this story so much, how all the main characters interact with each other. So, you know, a chapter almost completely devoied of that...
But, as I said, it was a good chapter. It's nice to finally know (more or less) what Enervation is supposed to be, as well as why Sky Striker cannot heal (although, due to the amount of anime I watched, I assumed something along those lines). Rainbow Dash saying that she had finally chat with LittlePip after those 200 years was also quite touching. And that Lancer got a backbone and goes to oppose his father alongside his mother, sister and... girlfriend? Huh, didn't see that one coming. My reaction mirrowed Majina's, honestly ;p
So, to sum up, it was a well-done chapter, and it's just my personal view, based on what I like.
...
It makes sense, right?
Oh, and juuust on a side note: I've been re-reading the whole story, and I think - I think! - I know what Rampage is.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scienza Mon Jan 13, 2014 2:36 pm
She was with her in that room in Hightower where Blackjack used the sword against the soul jars, but she might not have connected the two.Icy Shake wrote:I pretty much figure "Why not?" What I don't remember is if Rampage knows that it can destroy soul jars. I have to assume she doesn't, because otherwise I figure she'd ask Blackjack to give it a shot. And if Rampage doesn't know, well, Blackjack has shown no interest in actually helping her die, no matter the promises she makes to the contrary. But if Rampage finds out Blackjack was hiding this from her, I expect there'll be some fireworks, because she was pretty unhappy about learning that Blackjack had Folly and never told her.Scienza wrote:I've just got this image of Rampage sitting in front of a circle of foals, telling the legend of the Security Mare centuries after the end of the story.
Also, this has probably been debated to death, but could the star-sword (or Key or whatever we're calling it) destroy the Phoenix Talisman, therefore killing Rampage? It was able to destroy soul jars in the past, so presumably the Phoenix Talisman would just take longer due to the crazy number of souls.
Also OHMYGODNEWCHAPTERYAY
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Aonee Mon Jan 13, 2014 2:43 pm
Ibelieve this chapter was fantastic Somber.
- Thoughts, replies, etc.:
- @Downloaded Skill I felt the timeskip worked out well. The exact context will probably be revealed in the next chapter, but it sets the stage for the final arc: Littlepip's story has ended, all the other factions are getting by and delt with the repercussions free of new world-shattering events, but something is still amiss.
One quick thing I want to point out: Glory said BJ cheated death more times then she could count, then immediately numbered them.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Mon Jan 13, 2014 2:59 pm
- Spoiler:
If it keeps on rainin'...
Guest- Guest
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Jan 13, 2014 3:08 pm
Ah, thank you.Train Dodger wrote:This chapter brings with it some interesting revelations indeed.
- Overview:
Also, Psalm. Wow.
I thought it'd be touching if RD, Fluttershy and Whisper had a bit of a reunion, eventually. I sense epilogue material.
They're so close to unlocking the secret of Enervation.
Dawn's meddling certainly explains why the Harbingers weren't nearly as effective as they could have been, what with the materiel they had access to. Their timidity and lack of training was also a major impediment.
And Cognitum's such a shit, too. Go rough her up some, BJ!
- Chapter 63 Proofing:
Typo: The double L spelling is British. Should be "traveling".“I have an aunt and uncle there. They should be safe. Doesn’t help its even further west, though.”
Grammar: [its] > [it's]“It won’t.” Twister just stared in stunned silence as old gray mare took another drink.
Grammar: [as old gray mare] > [as the old gray mare]It the dim confines of the ship, three glasses clinked together.
Grammar: [It] > [In]“Observing a section of space about a five months ago. It was the wavelength that stood out. Most stars don’t produce magic in this band. Blue. Yellow. Red. Even purple and pink. But there aren’t very many stars that produce a green wavelength of magic.”
Grammar: [about a five] > [about five]“Of course, considering the vast distances of space, the odds of it travelling to us is staggeringly small. Any sign of visitation and such would be of immense scientific and cultural significan--”
Typo/Grammar: Should be "traveling" and "are".“It’s always fun to question the psychology of a supposed higher power,” he chuckled. “And in this case, it led me to three disturbing possibilities. First, that your ‘Goddess’,” his pinions twitched in the air before him, “is completely insane and irrational. That would explain a lot.”
Prose: Poor Steel Rain. First he's purple (CH52), then he's pink (CH57). Now he's a pegasus. I blame Killing Joke.
That's all I could see just from a cursory read. The obvious stuff. There's probably more I missed (I didn't really linger on the punctuation stuff, and during the passages describing the Core, it occasionally lapses into present tense, but I figured that was a deliberate stylistic choice), but this particular chapter looks to be virtually picked clean already by the editing team. Nice work, guys!
Oh, and also:
CH57: Bottlecap continued, “Ursury, Caprice, and I are the daughters he’s confirmed are his. Charity…”
Typo: [Ursury] > [Usury]
And, um, Steel Rain is now an earth pony with a purple coat and pink mane. Whoops. :)
Yes, I've had experiences like that. It's not happened to me with PH, happily, but there have been occasions in other stories when a particular chapter, while no lower in quality than the others, is completely or nearly so about aspects of the story that I dislike or am bored by.Borsuq wrote:So... the new chapter...
- my thoughts (possible soilers):
Now, don't get me wrong, it was a good chapter, I'm not saying it wasn't. It provided a lot of information as to what everbody has been doing, nice use of Perceptitron on Blackjack's part. Those are just my personal view and feelings regarding it. I didn't enjoy it as much as previous chapters mostly due to Blackjack being absent for most of it (yes, I know that technically she's been in there all the time, as it was her point of view on everything), and she's the best pony ever. Also Rampage was missing, and she's... 3rd best pony ever (after Homage ;p). But instead, this chapter got a bunch of cameos of ponies I personaly dislike (Psalm, Splendid, and Dawn), made me feel sorry for two of them (Psalm and Dawn), and had a cameo of pony I hate - Steel Rain. Why Cognitum can't let him die, again?
I also got frustrated with the time skip... and confused. I mean, at the beginning it's mentioned that it has been three months, but later that Rampage had gone into the Core a month earlier, and by the end she finds Blackjack and Boo, which either means that the chapter jumped around with the time a buch of times, or... that Rampage had just went there after waiting two months, which I find a tad weird, and it took her a month to find them (although, given how big Core must be, I can buy that).
But the major reason why I felt a slightly disappointed with this chapter was that it didn't have the one thing that I had been waiting for since the last one - Blackjack telling everypony that she's pregnant. I mean, the reaction of everypony would be... just priceless. I really hope that Chincenary guy or whatever (ah, another character I don't particulary care for - yeah, I know, he's fun, but I just don't dig him) didn't tell anypony, I still want them to be shocked.
This is what made my love this story so much, how all the main characters interact with each other. So, you know, a chapter almost completely devoied of that...
But, as I said, it was a good chapter. It's nice to finally know (more or less) what Enervation is supposed to be, as well as why Sky Striker cannot heal (although, due to the amount of anime I watched, I assumed something along those lines). Rainbow Dash saying that she had finally chat with LittlePip after those 200 years was also quite touching. And that Lancer got a backbone and goes to oppose his father alongside his mother, sister and... girlfriend? Huh, didn't see that one coming. My reaction mirrowed Majina's, honestly ;p
So, to sum up, it was a well-done chapter, and it's just my personal view, based on what I like.
...
It makes sense, right?
Oh, and juuust on a side note: I've been re-reading the whole story, and I think - I think! - I know what Rampage is.
Ah, thank you.Aonee wrote:Ibelieve this chapter was fantastic Somber.
- Thoughts, replies, etc.:
One quick thing I want to point out: Glory said BJ cheated death more times then she could count, then immediately numbered them.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scienza Mon Jan 13, 2014 3:48 pm
Just finished the new chapter.
This is the best chapter since Lucidity.
This is the best chapter since Lucidity.
- Assorted Thoughts:
-First off, we finally get see what happens to the Reapers and Rangers again. YES!YESY!YES!YES!YES!YESYES!YES!YES!YES!
-THERE SHALL BE CRUMPETS ONCE AGAIN!
-Littlepip's story is over, and seeing the impact of that event is fascinating. Love how the various remnant factions integrate into the Reapers.
-Most of the other factions got a mention or some closure in this as well, which is fantastic. We haven't seen the Finders in a while, but nothing's really happened to them since Usury and Caprice got taken down.
-Wouldn't Storm Chaser align herself with the non-bastard Enclave factions in the civil war, thus giving her an Enclave to continue being a part of? Regardless, love this bit.
-Found Storm Chaser's reaction to Rainbow Dash interesting in the context of her bitterness over the Enclave's vilification. 'taint easy becoming the bad guy.
-Psalm is back, which is awesome. I'm counting on there being some adorable flustering with Stronghoof.
-P-21 and Tyrantscotch were great.
-I absolutely love Dr. Morningstar.
-Glory is spot on. Hoping for more Gloryjack cuteness.
-Boo is cute.
-Canon-wise, this has introduced a lot. A lot of it seems to be indicating extraterrestrial and organic (the Core building itself, the enervation rings attaching like viruses to Sky Striker's cells, all the astrophysics whatnot, the star guns of Pew Pew). Maybe Marigold contracted a moon virus during her time in the Equestrian space program, and Blackjack's enervation immunity is due to an early infection during her surrogacy? It might fit with all the stuff regarding Luna.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Mon Jan 13, 2014 5:05 pm
Okay, reactions/thoughts time!
- Spoiler:
Ya know, normally this is the kind of chapter that shows up halfway through a story, right before shit starts getting real. Ulysses did it, Stephen King stories do it pretty often (though it also usually happens more than once - Under the Dome did it a LOT). I believe I shall call this phenomenon... "Here's Sidecharacters With the Weather." Yes. Alternatively, "Interlude." But mine's funnier.
Well! Anyway, no play-by-play analysis for this one, I think. Overall? I liked it, with a slight caveat. Around... somewhere near the middle, before Glory turned up... possibly during the Sekashi/Majina/Lancer/Sharkpuncher section? Anyway, it did feel like it was going a bit overlong around there. This went away during the last quarter, though. If I had to guess why this was coming up, I'd say it was a combination of A) receiving a bunch of texts while reading the first half, B) some of the segments were perhaps longer than they merited [it kills me to say it, since I loved it, but the P-21 section
WAS around for a long time; the reveal of Psalm-alicorn and the Steel Rangers in the Stable gave some more character to Fargazer but also, initially, felt kind of meandering; the arena bit, well, it was nice to see what the Hoofington riffraff were getting up to, but it too seemed to linger; and the part with the Society, again, was nice but perhaps too long. Maybe. I almost wonder if its position could have been swapped with the P-21 one, so we revisited the "central" cast before going back into side characters. But that could throw the pacing off again for other parts. I don't know.
I really enjoyed the bit between Steel Rain and Dawn. I didn't think much of Steel Rain as a villain; he seemed very defeated and kind of pointlessly still around - sort of like an "also Steel Rain was there" villain, as in "Dawn attacked with her army of Harbingers and Deus' bits replanted into a tank, and also Steel Rain was there." =P Not unlike Lancer, really. So it's interesting to see how the two of them have diverged, I suppose, Lancer joining up with his mother and Steel Rain still scheming and surviving and betraying. Anyway, though, the scene - fantastic. Loved the horror aspect when Dawn fillets him, loved the reveal that Dawn's been behind all the oddness behind Cognitum, and that Cognitum herself was the "nice program" that kept saving Blackjack. (Although I suppose that was partially revealed before, it was never shown in terms of actually saving Blackjack, which was interesting.
P-21's lesson bit was funny, and it's nice to see him doing things, as always. It's still shocking to see how much he's grown as a character, and he seems to keep on doing it.
The interstitial bits of talk about Hoofington were cool little commentaries on the scenes that preceded them (I'm pretty sure), and they were generally quite atmospheric. A nice bit of experimentation in an already experimental chapter.
Quoi d'autre? I loved the ending. Very entertaining entrance from Rampage. And Boo's increased vocabulary is adorable, of course, as is the idea of the two of them hiding out for two months together.
Uh, yeah, think that sums it up! Enjoyable chapter, cool experiment, makes me glad the Perceptitron-thing came up. Good luck with making it through the month - sounds like things will improve after that - and with wrapping up the story!
Guest- Guest
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by chinman Mon Jan 13, 2014 6:56 pm
Right then I'll keep it brief. I personally thought this chapter was a pretty good change of pace and helped serve a vital purpose by not only including some important plot points while also serving as a refresher for a number of the story's side-characters, which considering how long and large this story is, has been long overdue.
- spoiler!:
- While I don't entirely understand why the story needed to be moved forward a full 3 months, I do trust that this will all make sense soon enough. Also another reason I'm not too bothered by the time skip is because its reminiscent of Half-Life 2's pre-final act time skip, so maybe I'm just biased. :D
The only real suggestion I have could be considered minor enough to fall under the realm of Bellisario's Maxim, but I am kind of hoping next chapter will include an explanation for why BJ couldn't use her Pipbuck's transceiver during the three months she was stuck in the Core.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Jan 13, 2014 7:41 pm
Well, given all the radiation, Enervation, degradation, and killer robot... ation, radio jamming wouldn't be unexpected. It might even be a side effect of something else.chinman wrote:Right then I'll keep it brief. I personally thought this chapter was a pretty good change of pace and helped serve a vital purpose by not only including some important plot points while also serving as a refresher for a number of the story's side-characters, which considering how long and large this story is, has been long overdue.
- spoiler!:
The only real suggestion I have could be considered minor enough to fall under the realm of Bellisario's Maxim, but I am kind of hoping next chapter will include an explanation for why BJ couldn't use her Pipbuck's transceiver during the three months she was stuck in the Core.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by chinman Mon Jan 13, 2014 8:35 pm
Oh yeah there are definitely no shortage of explanations for this sort of thing happening in such an F-ed up place. I was just thinking this issue is worth addressing since realistically all of the main characters would be wondering the same thing, so it would probably out of character for them to NOT bring this up.
Like said though this is overall a pretty minor issue, and I really did enjoy the chance to see what all those primary and secondary characters were up to.
Like said though this is overall a pretty minor issue, and I really did enjoy the chance to see what all those primary and secondary characters were up to.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Evilgidgit Mon Jan 13, 2014 9:20 pm
Oh, it's out! 
I'll have to read it tomorrow. Don't read any spoilers! Don't read any spoilers!
I'll have to read it tomorrow. Don't read any spoilers! Don't read any spoilers!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Retl Mon Jan 13, 2014 11:37 pm
- SPOILERS: Impressions and Speculation of PH ch 63:
General Reaction:
That was a fun perspective fliparound, and I generally had an amusing time seeing so much emphasis on intelligence, knowledge, and teaching. The whole bit with P-21 as a teacher was both cute, relatable, and just generally the kind of thing I'm personally into.
Overall feelings towards it after two listenings of a 2h 33m 39s MP3 Text to Speech reading is that it's good fun with a lot of interesting setting/character setups and resolutions.
But yeah. Definitely feels like the start of a new book/volume.
Things that stuck in my mind in particular:
Huh. Psalm is back. And understandibly confused about her new life.
"Made the dragon swell immensely [...] the dragon exploded [...] like a [...] balloon."
Relevant to my interests.
Yay, the fillies and colts increase in number!
Felt a little bad about what happened to Dawn, but the exchange and conclusion of that scene overall was kinda interesting to see play out. Mainly in the whole psychological toying about being one of my checkmark boxes on the Retlcessment sheet pros/positives section. Kinda the same reason I liked Happyhorn Gardens, come to think.
Once the PoV came back to Blackjack and Boo spoke, I was thinking the line to myself "Kept you waiting, huh?"
Rampage actually gaining support as a captain? Neat.
OMG RAMPAGE BLACKJACK BOO TEAM YAY. This will be fun.
I know the Poison Joke on Blackjack has long sense worn off, but I still like to reimagine scenes where things resume exploding around her (because timing is everything! BOOM).
Speculation:
Last chapter, I was kinda getting the impression that enervation is the manifestation of Windigo magic in a raw form. It at least seemed to fit with places of tight-knit communities resisting it (or maybe it's the magic of friendship itself that's repelling it?). This chapter, I'm more under the impression that it is a manifestation of whatever force drew out Nightmare Moon in the show or the Nightmare Forces in the IDW comics, and why thinking of one's nightmare scenarios while spellcasting would resonate with the stuff so much.
Or maybe it's just the negative spell-function of Friendship. Given that Friendship is Magic and all.
Also, it's nice to see that while the whole Hoofington Rises issue is still a thing, P-21 doesn't appear to be turning into the Overlord Blackjack had been slain by once upon a realm. So I like to take it as a sign that either that was a kooky death dream, or she's managed to decisively break the chain of events that would have lead to that. Or. Something. (That said, I was just rereading to about chapter 36 before this new chapter came out, so I might be completely oversighting whatever other key events that also matter, like how Sanguine died and all that jazz. But eh.)
Last edited by Retl on Mon Jan 13, 2014 11:48 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : 1) Added more content to end of post. 2) Accidentally broke Spoilers subtitle when making first edit.)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Tue Jan 14, 2014 2:09 am
Well, with that timing of the chapter, no way I was reading it last night.
Let's see what's in store.
All in all, a lot more to like than not, and the new thing Somber tried worked pretty well for the most part.
Would read again (surprise, I know), but not tonight.
Will check out comments tomorrow.
Let's see what's in store.
- Chapter Sixty Three Running Thoughts:
- The halls of Stable 99 smelled differently than I remembered: an antiseptic tang lurked in the corners, under the beds, and in the closets.
Okay, starting with a dream or hallucination. Makes sense. Or time jump, maybe?
“Certainly high, but not worth the cost just yet. The order sees little benefit in diverting resources out here when there is so much to be settled in the west.”
Okay, I'll guess time jump.
His baby blue magic levitated a scroll from the rest of the papers.
Yeah, it would be, wouldn't it? Either that or pale yellow/gold.
“This one is suggesting we pursue an alliance with the Harbingers, given their access to technology around the valley.”
And I'll go with "Fuck that."
“The Harbingers?” Crumpets curled her lip as if she smelled something foul. “They were Blackjack’s enemies.”
“But not ours,” he muttered. “Blackjack’s been dead for a quarter of a year.
Wow, so time jump and a change in perspective.
Depending on how this goes, could make me wonder why the volume split wasn't between 62 and 63.
Oh, also, should be past Sunshine and Rainbows now, but I don't know just how much that would affect Hoofington, since it was always rainy naturally. But I guess Littlepip could decide to switch it anyway.
So, I don't believe Blackjack is dead, but what is her status, then
? Seems too soon for her to be dominated by or otherwise serving an enemy again. So captured or trapped?
“You heard her arrive, Overmare?” Crumpets asked incredulously.
“Her magic has a very distinct sound,”
Lacunae/Psalm?
If he’d been a different kind of stallion, things could have been made very difficult for us.
If he had been a different kind of stallion, they wouldn't have had the stable at all.
“It’s rained for nearly three months, non-stop,” Crumpets said with a sigh. “I wish I knew why this ‘Lightbringer’ can’t give us a break,” she said as she looked up, rain pattering off her visor.
Okay, so that is happening. I wonder what the weather was like before the war, when Hoofington was still a real city but without pressures on it from the conflict.
Hoofington has always had problems with rain and lightning storms, even before the war.”
So it happens even when I'm not rereading.
As if on cue, the skies were illuminated with a brilliant greenish-white bolt snaking along the skies, followed by another massive crack.
That ain't normal.
I want to see him… but I don’t deserve to see him… but I… I…”
I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY! It's like the fall-off in guilt from Blackjack the last few chapters got dumped into her.
“You mean Security?” Crumpets blurted, getting another kick. Biting her tongue, she let the unicorn answer.
Was that a secret?
“No no no. She… I… we… if she’d been there, then we wouldn’t have let her die. She… I…”
"Congratulations, Psalm, you're the new Blackjack! Now let's go!"
“No! No. We’re fine. I… we…” she shook her head again, then regained her strength. “Blackjack is not dead,” Psalm said as she looked towards the Core.
Well, Psalm would have a better idea than most, especially since I'll go out on a limb and say nobody even tried particularly hard to recover the body.
The black canyons of the city glistened with the film of rain that slicked their surfaces, transforming them into mirrors reflecting nothing. The empty streets, cracked and broken, from nowhere to nowhere, snaked around the monoliths that plunged from the sky to the deepest depths of the earth like ebony arrows. No wind could stir the garbage that lay in saturated mats where errant currents had deposited them, two centuries after being cast away. None would. There was no rot or decay for the heaps. If it could not be washed away, it would linger.
Forever.
Absolutely shameless. Very compelling, though. And it means she's in a high Enervation location.
“The natives are getting restless, what with Security being gone,” Splendid said as he admired his newly acquired PipBuck.
So, series of vignettes, covering each faction Blackjack had affected? Small sample size at this point, but possibly also going in reverse order in time?
“The Lightbringer might have begun clearing out the skies, but that doesn’t mean most ponies in the Wasteland have seed stock, fertilizer, or agricultural skills,” she said with a little smile.
Or, for that matter, untainted land.
“The Lightbringer might have begun clearing out the skies, but that doesn’t mean most ponies in the Wasteland have seed stock, fertilizer, or agricultural skills,” . . .
Hm. This conversation seems to be going a little on the "as you know . . . " side.
Just get them away from the other bluebloods who think ‘Good King Security’ is gone for good.
Is it not a gendered crown, or were they just really dense?
“Dragons are fireproof, dude. What else you got? Because I got plenty!”
I was thinking this seemed like a stacked deck, but I'm guessing Candlewick takes it nonetheless
With a grin, all four hooves began to thrash at the dragon’s crotch, each hit punctuated by a blast of fire from his hooves. A few second later, he slowed, the dragon gazing down at the scarred stallion with a scornful curl of his lips. “Dude. They’re internal, and you’re not my type.”
I'm not sure, but that might be the first time in PH a crotch attack has failed.
The dragon’s head came down, his pointed maw snapping closed on Candlewick's left forehoof. The fangs clenched on the reinforced PipBuck casing and the top of the blazing power hoof, yanking Candlewick off the ground. The dragon’s claws reached up, raking his back and haunches. The firepony’s coat tore easily, as did the hide beneath. “Get away from him!” the lavender mare shouted, making him grin.
Okay, so I made the wrong bet there. Also, I thought you might be going for another amputation, given the conversation on TVTropes over the weekend, since it wouldn't have been hard to edit in.
but the lavender unicorn clambered down
you're doing that on purpose now, aren't you?
A knot of zebras calling themselves ‘Achu’ were talking with ‘Doombunny Deathbringers’, zebras from some place called Glyphmark.
I wonder if they get shit about their names.
“With the Flashers, Halfhearts, and Highlanders? No way,” Candlewick snorted. But his eyes lingered on the lavender mare underneath the rainbow-burst banner of the Flash Fillies. “And you can’t tell me your boss feels any differently. We coexist because of Big Daddy and the Reapers. We don’t work together.”
Setup for synchronized coups? Or maybe just desertions?
“We’re Steel Rangers, not Steel Ditchdiggers!” one of the two power-armored ponies shouted, but they rammed their shoulders against the barricade and pushed the leaning stones back up.
Hey, the Corps of Engineers is legit, too, and fuck it, sometimes you do what you need to, crybaby.
Deus rumbled down the road dragging a ton of debris, walls, and rusty pieces of wagon.
Oh, last night, it occurred to me that maybe at some point Doofus will get a chance to apologize to Twist. Wouldn't that be nice?
“I… you… you’re bluffing!” the filly spluttered as P-21 smiled. “You’re insane! What kind of teacher are you?”
One who spent a lot of time with Blackjack? Also Rampage.
“With real detonators, real talismans, real disarm tabs, real timers... and something special in place of most of the charge, courtesy of Sekashi.”
Because child abuse is the best form of education.
She smiled, glanced around for anypony who might be watching, and then nuzzled his nose.
And didn't she just say something about needing to do something "radical"?
“Our teacher is a psychotic, evil, sneaky, no-good fucking jerk!” snapped Razorblade.
He bowed his head to her with a smile.
"Quite right! But what was the other lesson?"
If we hadn’t been there, she’d have died in those tunnels. If we hadn’t had Hydra, she’d still be blind.”
Well, it sounds like eyes aren't that hard to come by anymore.
“If you say so,” he said leaning in and giving her a little nuzzle before walking around her. “I’m going to head back up to the house. See you there.” And with that, he trotted out into the rain.
Okay, how does he get her? Trick grenade in the saddlebags? Or something more original?
It was as if the heavens themselves were at war with the buildings. “Come on, Blackjack. You’ve come back to life before…”
Man, you come back from the dead one or two times and everyone thinks you just can't die.
But the foundation was unsound, the roots rotten. Nothing founded on a lie can last forever.
Not in verse, but still feels like an inversion of "The old that is strong does not wither/Deep roots do not die in the frost."
“It’s official that Ironfeather took the last functional Thunderhead and a dozen loyal ships and departed for parts unknown.”
May see this later, but I have a feeling it'll be a loose thread, like those left in FoE, a story for others to tell.
Did you know she stuffed a mattress with Crosswind’s feathers before kicking him out over some pond? It was the first time I heard a crew cheer in weeks.”
I'm guessing if they had been isolated, he might have had an H.M.S. Bounty situation on his hooves.
“Oh, she’d fly. Her reactor and main turbines are fine. You just wouldn’t be able to slow down, and steering would be pretty minimal. Perhaps for three minutes at top speed before the engines exploded.”
You know what that would have been good for? Exactly what Rampage wanted.
Storm Chaser seemed to weigh the insult of such dishonorable company with the promise of more inebriant and finally gestured to the seat besides Twister.
One of the rules of this story is that booze always wins.
“I’m sure somepony just messed up the audits. After all, the Core is there,” Storm Chaser said wearily, gesturing with her hoof vaguely to the side.
Doubt it. I'd bet Twilight tracked everything back to the source, all the numbers, just like she did with the BS on Flux.
“To the pegasi! May they fly in clear skies from now on,” Twister offered.
The gray officer stared into the glass. “To the fallen,” Storm Chaser said, more subdued. “May their sacrifices be remembered, and honored.”
Rainbow Dash mirrored the general, her own eyes distant. “To friends. May they always be reunited.”
Future, past, present. Nice.
There was only one direction in this city: down. Every drop of water reinforces this fact. It flows endlessly from the firmament, races down the cracked black walls, spurts out of downspouts, sprays off molding, and crashes down stairs. Cold waterfalls cascaded down elevator shafts, and rivers flowed out lobby doors. The streets served as canals for the rain, until it disappeared down cracks in the asphalt, swirled down storm drains, and poured into the subways with the perpetual noise of a great inhalation. The current never ends. Downward. Downward. Down.
Escape is impossible. The curving streets only lead inward, and even the most concerted effort to leave would be stopped the moment one reached the grim walls rising story after story around the entire city, a monolithic barrier to keep the Wasteland out and the captive within. The street signs at intersections never point in a direction leading away from the city; the maps in the travelers’ kiosks end at that wall, as if there were no Equestria beyond it.
The Wasteland is a cool monster, patient, accepting an escape today with the easy knowledge that tomorrow, or someday, it would claim you. Not this place. It hungered. And every drop of rain drew all within it in that inevitable and inexorable direction. Down.
Gorgeous, but all the tense shifts feel weird to me. Oh, and who would have guessed that the FoE universe would use so many types of section delimiters that writers would need to resort to self-indulgent scenery porn to avoid aliasing? ;) (Maaaybe I can bring myself to indulge, too. But only because I like you.)
“I want to go home. I want to take care of the children. There is far too much lightning to fly safely. Master Vanity told me to take care of the children,” she rasped in a daze.
Yay! It's Harpica!
“That reminds me of another stor--” Sekashi began.
Is it really "another" story if you didn't even start the first?
“They are from a place called Glyphmark. Your father named them traitors, no better than ponies,” Adama said carefully.
Wait . . . who or what are from Glyphmark? Not the Atoli, right? The sharks or squid?
Or is it the zebra of Glyphmark that the Atoli hunt with harpoons?
“Are you?” she snapped back. “You are exiled. Betrayed. Cursed!”
Speaking of "cursed!," I wonder if we'll get to see Xanthe.
Each of those high points is a spell you can cast and its corresponding characteristics. Ten peaks. Not bad at all, considering that the average for most unicorns is six.”
Yeah, but it's got to be a pretty right-skewed distribution. Also, Blackjack would have been at, (levitation, magic bullets, light, teleportation, door) five, I think, if levitation, bullets, and light are considered separate.
So why was she special? Was it something in her design? Something she did? Something she was exposed to? For all we know, it’s that damned megaspell program she carries with her.”
Too bad Glory never met Snips and Snails.
“I can take off that sexy with a belt sander,” Glory muttered under her breath.
But would it stick? Given Glory's experience, I'd guess not for long.
“Observing a section of space about five months ago. It was the wavelength that stood out. Most stars don’t produce magic in this band. Blue. Yellow. Red. Even purple and pink. But there aren’t very many stars that produce a green wavelength of magic.”
Gotcha.
“Virginity is all in the mind,” Morningstar replied glibly. “Besides, I’ve been a father and a grandfather. I’m quite thrilled for the chance to be a mother too.”
Well, I was going to say something about the pronouns, but I guess the doctor's changed in mind as well.
“If it makes it easier, think of the doctor as having intellectual incontinence. Everything in her head dribbles out, no matter what kind of a mess it makes. It’s not personal,” Glory said
Is Glory . . . telling a joke? And funny one, at that?
When she injured you, her wings must have shed millions of these into your wounds. They’re all over your cells,” Glory said with a frown.
Time for dialysis.
Vivid green boils of magic bubbled along Triage’s horn, exploding in bursts of green and purple.
"Alicorn" (the fuck was that about, by the way?)/Sombra magic?
“I love being smart.”
Well, given what the Joke was, I suppose it is fair to say that there likely aren't many smarter than her.
“It’s fine! It’s fine,” Glory said, glancing down at a statuette of a seven-month-old pony fetus. She kicked it out of sight under the ruins of the workbench. Every mare there, even Doctor Morningstar, seemed aware of how not fine it was.
Chilling and disgusting. I'm with Triage; get to the end of it as quickly as possible, and she's done.
Or maybe all those different forms the metal took could have some sort of technical pattern! We could use this to our advantage. Think of the possibilities!” Glory gushed.
1. Eye on the prize
2. You remember what that was just doing, right?
3. Yeah, I know how this goes; it's just so cool you forget everything else
“Don’t tell me you’ve seen that pattern before too?”
Moonshadow tapped her muzzle with a hoof, then slowly smiled. “You know what? I think I have...”
Moon rock, natch. And that description of countermagic does sound just like the reaction. Right down to the migrane.
“Robot processors miss things. Empty food tins. Missing gemstones. Turds in the corner. A trail of drained Wild Pegasus bottles.
Question is, miscarriage, or Blackjack ignorance, or is she counting on the poison-management to be just that good?
First, that your ‘Goddess’,” he said, twitching his forehooves in the air, “is completely insane and irrational. That would explain a lot.”
There's a good deal to back that up.
There’s possibility number two: that Cognitum is incompetent. I’m not sure which of those two is worse. I mean, that fiasco with Deus at the manor and your little spat with the dear hubby was such a tactical clusterfuck that it was almost painful.
Also fair. And since it's not coming from a (typical) Enclave officer, he probably knows what he's talking about.
I am sure there is a Cognitum in the Core. And you are her chosen one, right? Most faithful. Most devoted. Most specialest.” He patted her other cheek with his hoof, making her lunge once more, then went on,
He was wasted on evil. Condescension, now that's where he excels.
Do you think that you’re the first officer to ‘creatively interpret’ a superior’s orders? It happens all the time. Happened during the war.
Big Mac did it during the first memory Blackjack saw of the Marauders.
“I want two things… the bomb out of my chest, and enough power to crush the world beneath my hoof.
Two simple, little things. And look what I need to do to get them. Look what you made me do!
Oh, wait. That was Sanguine. Never mind.
“My Goddess needs to choose a pony for a precious honor. It was supposed to be me. It should be me!
I must be the vessel!
“She cares about what happens to Blackjack! Don’t you understand? She’s intervened twice to save her life. The Goddess has never done that for me! I’m her most devoted servant! I’m her most faithful.”
Not that faithful, apparently. Also, if Cognitum has remnants of good in her, then it's hardly difficult to see why she might take a shine to Blackjack over you.
“She thinks she needs Blackjack for her plans, not just EC-1101. That’s why I need to find her myself. I have to be the one to stop her. To give my goddess the key to her freedom.
Well, depending on the circumstances, she may feel she needs the Maiden. And frankly, you just don't fit the bill as well as she.
She doesn’t understand that Blackjack is undeserving. That she is unworthy. I sacrificed everything for my Goddess!
And Blackjack sacrificed everything for anyone, at every chance she got. And I'm not saying that because I just reread it in chapter two yesterday; that's something that sticks with you.
Dawn smiled at him now, and the air filled with the ping of snapping metal. Steel Rain stared into her eyes as a numbness asserted itself from mid-leg to hoof and a strange distant discomfort across his neck and face. Half the world was a strange blur, his mouth and nose filling with the taste and smell of copper. Then he swallowed, and like a zipper, his face spilled apart in a line of agony and blood. His outstretched leg came neatly apart, and he fell back with a gurgling scream. Dawn sneered down at him, her remaining glowing wing outstretched and streaked with blood as links of sheared restraint jingled off the concrete around her.
I thought there was a lack of the good old ultraviolence in this chapter. Though I suppose there was a dragon's innards shooting from either end of his digestive tract in the Arena.
Also, what did I say about him being better at condescension than evil?
She kicked aside his still-twitching limb as she approached.
Maybe there will be an amputation, after all. (Doesn't count if he dies, of course, because then I'm sure both stories are chock-full of them.)
Then the large door rolled up, and spotlights bathed the entire room in white. Dawn stared into the light as Steel’s remaining eye squinted. “My… my Goddess.”
Pulled two chapters in a row, bitches!
Steel Rain trembled and shook as he gave the PipBuck a weak wave. “Blackjack’s trick. Remember?”
“Not dying… good start…” he gasped. “No augmentation, either…”
I didn't remember Steel Rain having so much personality.
“Yes,” the mare purred. “Someone has tapped into your sensory data feed. Backtracking it in three… two… on--”
Perceptitron? Or, at a really long shot, maybe Blackjack learned a new trick with EC-1101?
“Sweepie,” Boo protested, turning over on her side and pulling the blanket more tightly around herself. “Go ta bed, Bwackjack,” she grumbled, swinging a hoof in my direction.
Aaaaawwww . . .
“I know you’re a real pony, Boo. You’ll show us all sooner or later.”
If it hadn’t been for Boo’s freaky luck, I was sure I would have been dead.
What was Blackjack's natural luck, again? Because she's damn lucky herself. I figure it couldn't have been above 9, unless the bonus luck from the set didn't make a difference. Or maybe she (or Boo) breaks the scale and is beyond heroic or legendary or whatever 10 was.
Reaching the door, I threw it wide just as Boo sat up on my back, her ears twitching. I froze. Twitching ears were better than E.F.S. in this place, as all I saw were countless red bars in every direction.
Does Blackjack still have a mane to get twitchy?
Then the door exploded inwards as Rampage blasted through it and leapt right at my chest.
Oh Yeah! Also, I bet Rampage loves the new and improved Boo.
As usual, the chapter grew larger than I originally planned. It was going to start out just Scotch, Glory, and Dawn and then go from there, but it mutated on me.
NO ONE COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING.
I do thank the critical work of my editors, who spend incredible amounts of time trying to get every sentence right... and talking me out of using Paladin Mustang, Hawkeye, and Havok... sniff....
As much as Stronghoof grew on me . . . probably the right call.
- Chapter Sixty Three Overall Thoughts:
- With some exceptions, this was an excellent chapter. It solved the problem of letting us see what's going on all over, which would otherwise be a huge problem given the vantage point of the story. I also liked the framing device, but in one or two places the underlying reality may have seeped through a bit to hint at it more than was meant to.
The detente is creepy, but not new. The rebuilding, I think is a high point, and the faith Blackjack's friends have in her is heartwarming. Glory, P-21, and Scotch all get to do what it seems like they were meant to (research, teach, engineering), and the chance to see them in their element is great.
The show stealer was Steel Rain. His personality just oozed confidence, condescension, and maybe just a little bit of sleeze or general creepiness, which made the recorder gambit play beautifully. And it looks like we now know who was countermanding the orders sent from the Core.
The section with Lancer, and the rest worked well, particularly in showing the man behind the lance. There were a few parts in it I found confusing, but I think I ended up able to figure out, most notably who/what came from Glyphmark. Majina was adorable, but I'm sad we didn't get a funny story in. Also, great that there's unease under the Legate, because otherwise I'd have real trouble seeing the Remnant as much else than blind or stupid, but the slow-ish change helped.
Oh! And Harpica was there!
I'm glad Psalm's back, and I hope that, in time, she can find a way to move on. After all, if there's anything she should have learned from Blackjack, it's that anyone can be forgiven, and even if you aren't there's still life after, and in that life, you can do better.
Not much to say about Farsight, apart from that she seems to be doing a good job of running 99 as overmare.
Stronghoof didn't get much chance to come out and play, but for the little bit he got, well, it was nice. I don't know just how much he'll be able to see past Lacunae, but he's a good man and if nothing else, I'm sure he'll do what he can to make Psalm feel welcome.
Now we get to the Society and the Arena. At the Arena, the fight was pretty good, and having revolved around tactical thinking and clever tricks, is an example of a PH battle done right. I'm also interested to see what happens within and between the gangs.
That said, both in the Arena and in the Society I felt very much like I was being exposited at. Too much of the information-bearing conversation seemed to me to be in the tone of "as you know" or "I'd like to confirm," even if such wasn't written in the text, which left it feeling kind of dry and took me out of the story a bit. There was some of that elsewhere; I think I noticed some at the Collegiate, for instance, but there it was more spread out in the activity-as-exposition, and "So how do you feel about us coming," "Well, we didn't expect . . . but life doesn't give you what you want [miscarriage story]" worked it into a conversation I feel like might have happened sooner, but a more natural one nonetheless.
I'm happy that the records and memories are still there, though. Interestingly, the setup and different news from each member of the shitty wine party, and particularly the fact that what was volunteered made sense coming from the one (and only the one) delivering it eliminated this almost entirely, especially in conjuction with the emotional overtones of the scene, despite the fact that it, more than any of the other scenes but that in the Society, was purely talk (plus body language etc.).
The intermission scenes were beautifully descriptive, and of course the stuff I said in the running thoughts (e.g. "self-indulgent") was meant as a joke, but I'm never entirely sure if I inflect that right. There was one of them, though, which felt strange because it kept slipping between past and present tense, and I don't know if that was for effect or not.
- Chapter Sixty Three Editing, version taken about 5:30PM Central:
- And I know that Paladin Stronghoof would like to-“
second hyphen for dash
lip and shrank back. “I… No.
second space after ellipsis or no capitalization of "No."
Given they don’t buy from us, though, they haven’t caught many with their Hoofington Rises stuff.
should "Hoofington Rises" be in quotes?
When ponies saw even the Regent hauling crops, it definitely made an impact on them.
"Regent" probably shouldn't be capitalized
All of father’s memory orbs and recordings… all that knowledge and those secrets.
"father" should be capitalized
“Ya know, normally burners don’t get to compete,”
should "burners" be capitalized? I assume it's the plural of members of the Burner Boys.
There was a fwooom as four blasts of flame burst from the hooves and into the dragons scales.
"dragon's"
Candlewick slipped into SATS,
S.A.T.S.
throwing Candlewick aside as moment later the insides of the dragon exploded out of both ends.
"as a moment"
“Don’t heal em all the way.
Most of em, anyway,”
apostrophe for "em"
a hapless slice of bread. “Did I fucking tell you
three spaces after period
Cause that would have just been sad!
Cause… Yeah!”
Apostrophe for "Cause"
A dozen pegasi ‘wings’ were in attendance.
should that be "pegasus"?
You join them. Period.” Storm Front said.
period after "Period" should be comma
was plenty of candy and Sparkle Cola.
hyphen for Sparkle Cola
This is your standard Solaris-brand landmine.
The Solaris brand mine has several flaws.
not sure the hyphen should be there, but if so, there's the second one that might need one
most specifically four needles of Med X.
"Med-X"
“Ah! Did it just beep?! I heard a beep! I-“
‘BEEP BEEP BE-‘
second hyphen for dash
“You have to trust me!” He pleaded.
should have only one space after quotation, "He" not capitalized
BEEP! BEEP! BE- went the mine,
second hyphen for dash, might want to either add quotes here or get rid of the ones from the first set of beeps
One trusted the wrong colt to help her and got dusted when he laughed rather than disarmed the mine.
I think that should be either "disarm" or "disarming"
and one zebra filly was smart and clever enough to shift till she had one hoof pressing down on the pillow, moved her body, and then knocked the pillow aside and disarmed hers.
I think there's a tense slip here: what about "she had . . . move her body, and then knock the pillow aside and disarm hers"?
Razorblade talks to you, though.” Scotch Tape frowned.
should have second space after quotation
Lifting it with her hoof, Twister took a drink of something that could only vaguely be called ‘wine’.
would "loosely" fit better with "called," as opposed to something like "resembled"?
Does she hold the specific Councilors who authorized Cauterize responsible?
"Councilors" probably shouldn't be capitalized
Twister shivered, her tan wings fluffing a little.
lavender
of helping Pinkie Pie… If I hadn’t taken Pumpkin with me
"If" probably shouldn't be capitalized.
Workers like the Diamond Dogs were supposed to dig even more efficiently.
"Diamond Dogs" shouldn't be capitalized
“What should we drink to?” She asked, returning the bottle to Twister.
should have only one space after quotation, "she" shouldn't be capitalized
She peered at Atama, then blinked.
Lancer reached out and pulled her off Atama’s back and set her on his.
"Adama"
I do not wish to test your darts against the brood just yet.
"brood" should be capitalized
“But what about your story, mamma?”
"mamma" should be capitalized
all were equal in the place. Even the massive airship,
three spaces after period
rather than months ago. The slow trickle of red dripping
only one space after period
Pegasi weather manipulation.
"Pegasus"
We asked Professor Zodiac and Deus and the cyberpony survivors, and all of them are sickened by Enervation, as are the Sand Dogs.
"sand dogs"
“That confirms why your healing is retarded, daddy, but not why Enervation is focused on you.
"daddy" should be capitalized.
“How do you think I feel?” Sky Striker rasped.
should have only one space after quotation
“You think you can? Would that do
only one space after question mark
Sorry, daddy,” Glory said and at once moved behind him
"Daddy" should be capitalized
Her... Ugh, this is worse than being Rainbow Dash!”
should have second space after ellipsis, or not capitalize "Ugh"
mathematical patterns. “What did you
three spaces after period
please...think about what you were
space needed after ellipsis
Morningstar's obnoxious grin melted, shivering and fluffing her feathers as she focused on the machine.
the grin is the subject of the sentence, and doesn't really match "shivering and fluffing"
maybe change to "and she shivered and fluffed," or similar but with semicolon?
“My word... Well... I...”
different spacing, or don't capitalize "Well"
Two alcoves held a pair of ultra-sentinels flanking the portal.
"ultra-sentinels" should be capitalized
“What are you doing?” Dawn asked, her green eyes widening in shock.
should have only one space after quotation
A second later the arms froze, leaving her now dangling from the restraints around her chest, throat, and hips.
maybe just "leaving her dangling"?
Don’t interrupt with villainous cliche
missing accent on cliche
“’Your goddess’? You speak about her like she’s a pet.”
but either she’s a goddess utterly unable
all the other "goddesses" nearby are capitalized
If you had control over ultra-sentinels and even occasional control over
"ultra-sentinels" should be capitalized
You could slip on all the sarcasm on that one word.
maybe it's just I'm not used to the third person narration as a part of the story, but the "you" feels really weird there (after all, who is "you"?), and it seemed like most of the chapter's narrative was a little more serile than normal, when it had more of Blackjack's personality (maybe not exactly more sterile, but less . . . comment-y). Keeping it largely the same, what if it were "A pony" or some creature not likely to slip? [perhaps never mind, now that I've reached the end, especially if it was meant as a hint]
will love me again and choose me!” she shouted.
should have only one space after quotation
making the restraints creek. Two of them squealed,
Only one space after period
To give my goddess the key to her freedom.
Should "goddess" be capitalized?
Blood dripped over the Pipbuck as he kicked away from her with his hind legs.
"PipBuck"
“No… I… Whatever he told you…” Dawn stammered.
different spacing, or "Whatever" shouldn't be capitalized.
There’s another tapped into your Pipbuck.”
"PipBuck"
There was only one direction in this city: down. Every drop of water reinforces this fact. It flows endlessly from the firmament, races down the cracked black walls, spurts out of downspouts, sprays off molding, and crashes down stairs. Cold waterfalls cascaded down elevator shafts, and rivers flowed out lobby doors. The streets served as canals for the rain, until it disappeared down cracks in the asphalt, swirled down storm drains, and poured into the subways with the perpetual noise of a great inhalation. The current never ends. Downward. Downward. Down.
Escape is impossible. The curving streets only lead inward, and even the most concerted effort to leave would be stopped the moment one reached the grim walls rising story after story around the entire city, a monolithic barrier to keep the Wasteland out and the captive within. The street signs at intersections never point in a direction leading away from the city; the maps in the travelers’ kiosks end at that wall, as if there were no Equestria beyond it.
The Wasteland is a cool monster, patient, accepting an escape today with the easy knowledge that tomorrow, or someday, it would claim you. Not this place. It hungered. And every drop of rain drew all within it in that inevitable and inexorable direction. Down.
So yeah, with all the others almost entirely in past tense, with the exception, I think, of "Nothing founded on a lie can last forever", it does stand out. I don't know if it was meant to. If so, just ignore, naturally.
Bolded sections are present tense, the rest is past or subjunctive.
- Other Chapter Editing:
- 57: “May I introduce the regent of the society: Princess Grace!”
In this case, I think "regent" and "society" should be capitalized, but a second opinion wouldn't hurt.
“No!” Charm screamed at the top of her lungs.
Should have only one space after quotation.
42: Flash Fillies made sense when you saw the beam weapons. But ‘Halfheart?’
Question mark to outside of quotation marks. Also, Halfheart possibly should be plural, since the others were?
All in all, a lot more to like than not, and the new thing Somber tried worked pretty well for the most part.
Would read again (surprise, I know), but not tonight.
Will check out comments tomorrow.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by ChaosDX1 Tue Jan 14, 2014 2:28 am
- Spoiler:
- This chapter was brilliant. High praise for how it was laid out, with peeks at how things are across Hoofington with quick shots at what was happening in the core. Would have made a satisfying epilogue were there not more to tell and BJ truly did meet her fate.
Also, Doctor Morningstar is somehow very distracting even without visual aid.
Edit: Added spoiler box just in case.
Last edited by ChaosDX1 on Tue Jan 14, 2014 2:30 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : spoilers?)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vergil Tue Jan 14, 2014 3:13 am
Ch.57: "That was a least half the gossip in 99."
"Pity," he said as he wiped champaign from his sleeve.
"Pity," he said as he wiped champaign from his sleeve.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Kippershy Tue Jan 14, 2014 4:25 am
After all I've been told about the newest chapter release, there's a lot I've heard about that I simply shrugged off because I've come to expect it - but I do have a question.
I've been told that there's a three month gap between Blackjack 'getting hit by a raptor and being thought of as dead, with her PipBuck signal going offline' and the new chapter where Rampage finds her.
Has Rampage been looking this whole time? Do the rest of her old party simply suddenly decide to up and search for her like I'm told or do they actually have to be convinced to do so? Because three months without doing anything then suddenly going 'YEAH, LETS GO LOOK FOR HER!'
...Please tell me this was an exaggeration, please. If it isn't exaggerated, that's just... why? Why would they?
I don't care about anything else now, but please, tell me something like that hasn't been done also.
I've been told that there's a three month gap between Blackjack 'getting hit by a raptor and being thought of as dead, with her PipBuck signal going offline' and the new chapter where Rampage finds her.
Has Rampage been looking this whole time? Do the rest of her old party simply suddenly decide to up and search for her like I'm told or do they actually have to be convinced to do so? Because three months without doing anything then suddenly going 'YEAH, LETS GO LOOK FOR HER!'
...Please tell me this was an exaggeration, please. If it isn't exaggerated, that's just... why? Why would they?
I don't care about anything else now, but please, tell me something like that hasn't been done also.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by WavemasterRyx Tue Jan 14, 2014 5:13 am
Well... I do believe this is the fastest I've managed to complete a commentary is a very long time...
I'll say again, it was definitely a good chapter. As much as I'm afraid of what's going to happen as Project Horizons comes to an end, I'm still very much looking forward to reading it.
Thank you again, Somber *hugs very gently*
- Chapter 63 Commentary:
As I said in my initial thoughts, I really enjoyed this chapter. Even though it is in quite a different approach from the rest of the story it didn't feel forced or awkward to me at all.
The only thing that threw me at all about the setup of the chapter was Blackjack's very first comment that "Stable 99 smelled differently", and that's /only/ because I completely forgot you could smell things while you were in a memory orb or 'memory orb-like' experience...
The time jump was a pretty big surprise, and it made me wonder for a little while if there wasn't something else going on besides Blackjack watching through the Perceptitron. It was an interesting decision, but I certainly don't think it was a bad one. I'll be interested to hear just what has been happening with Blackjack in that three months though.
Given my past record with Steel Rangers, I'm worried about Crumpets and Stronghoof, especially if they get stuck on the Harbingers' side. Even if it's a tactically reasonable decision, it still surprised me that Stronghoof would even consider it.
It was very nice to find out that everything had gone well with the refugees settling in.
Well, I'd already come to terms with Lacunae's death, and the fact that Psalm is still around was something I had considered. It's still a shame nothing of Lacunae really remained. I hope eventually they'll be able to help Psalm find at least a little peace.
As I said in my initial thoughts, I really like the small inserts about the Core between the main pieces. Even though they don't directly reference Blackjack, it was still enough to make me feel like she wasn't being excluded from the chapter.
Maybe trade won't save the Wasteland on its own, but at least it's keeping most of the Society in check. It's good to find that Grace has been able to keep things going, and that Splendid didn't betray her.
Usually I don't really care much for dragons, and it's certainly true I was cheering for Candlewick to win, but I do feel sorry that the dragon had to die.
It's probably silly, but I hope Candlewick and Razzle get a chance to be together too. Also, Toaster is great, heh.
It's good to see too that the gangs actually paid attention to Blackjack's warning and are at least trying not to kill eachother. As much.
"And everywhere was the glint of silver wire." - I hadn't thought so much about this during my first reading, but after what happened with Triage, I wonder if this wire is actually starmetal...
And we come to the first of my favorite sections. Even for Chapel being a settlement traditionally run by fillies, to see Scotch being able to make intelligent decisions and wield some measure of actual authority is quite impressive (and cute). And I absolutely /adore/ P-21 getting a chance to actually be a teacher. It certainly doesn't hurt that the entire scene is quite amusing, and that he is making a very important point.
One thing that I immediately noticed was P-21 specifically referring to Razorblade as a "raider" kid. If that wasn't just a slip of the tongue, then it implies that Glory was actually successful in curing the raider plague, which is really quite incredible. It also means she didn't have to sacrifice herself while singing about being a "scientist salarian", which I was quite honestly extremely concerned about the moment she suggested working on a cure...
Poor Scotch at the end though, heh.
I do feel quite badly for Storm Chaser... It can't be easy at all to have been a pony trying to do the right thing and getting caught up in the blame for the actions of the rest of your race. I'd buy her another drink if I could...
Rampage sounds like a great Captain, certainly worthy of having her own ship.
I was glad to see Dash was okay and to hear that her assistant made it as well. It was very nice of her to bring some more wine.
"In the dim confines of the ship, three glasses clinked together." - They were quite touching toasts, definitely made me tear up.
It's nice to go from crying to the second of my favorite scenes in the chapter. Sekashi and Majina are simply priceless, and for it being her first appearance, Adama has a lot of appeal as well. I absolutely will need to draw Pokey and Mr. Sleepytime when I am able. Harpica was pretty cute as well, though I feel bad for her having trouble adjusting as a ghoul.
In general it's just an incredible scene, and I really hope all of them will be able to make it out of the camp safely... The Brood are extremely dangerous, and who knows what the Legate is planning to do with all the magical waste...
Ah, Glory's scene... lots of deep stuff that I think I'll leave to more clever ponies to discuss. Still, it's not a bad scene by any means.
It's great that the doctor was able to clone Glory a new wing. I wonder if part of why she can't get it working is because Blackjack isn't there...
"We asked Professor Zodiac and Deus and the cyberpony survivors" - Ah I thought I'd remembered mention of them but couldn't find it for a bit. It is nice that some of them made it out alive.
It was definitely a good idea for Sky Striker to leave while they experimented with the ring. I was really nervous after what had happened when Horse had tried using his magic to sing that note (I think it was him, at least), and I was pretty right to be. Sure no one died, but that ended up being a pretty genuinely creepy scene. Especially the way the signal was trying to get to Triage and Glory...
The scene between Steel Rain and Dawn is pretty creepy as well, in its own way. It's definitely a bad thing when the villains start leaning from the hero.
And then we come to the ending, which I can't stress enough of just how adorable Boo and Rampage are, because they were both very much so.
I'll say again, it was definitely a good chapter. As much as I'm afraid of what's going to happen as Project Horizons comes to an end, I'm still very much looking forward to reading it.
Thank you again, Somber *hugs very gently*
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Tue Jan 14, 2014 8:51 am
What else is new? 
Guest- Guest
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Kippershy Tue Jan 14, 2014 9:25 am
swicked wrote:Kippershy wrote:After all I've been told about the newest chapter release, there's a lot I've heard about that I simply shrugged off because I've come to expect it - but I do have a question.
I've been told that there's a three month gap between Blackjack 'getting hit by a raptor and being thought of as dead, with her PipBuck signal going offline' and the new chapter where Rampage finds her.
Has Rampage been looking this whole time? Do the rest of her old party simply suddenly decide to up and search for her like I'm told or do they actually have to be convinced to do so? Because three months without doing anything then suddenly going 'YEAH, LETS GO LOOK FOR HER!'
...Please tell me this was an exaggeration, please. If it isn't exaggerated, that's just... why? Why would they?
I don't care about anything else now, but please, tell me something like that hasn't been done also.
Yeah, I saw the posts the 4chan thread was making earlier, and they are spreading blatant misinformation about PH.
They have not all been living "normal lives" and suddenly decided to look for BJ.
Rampage had been looking for one of those three months . After two months she found a way into the core without being vaporized at a distance, probably with another flying machine. It's not something easily done, after all, given no one managed it before BJ and Boo fell into it on a collapsing skyscraper.
P-21 and Scotch aren't looking, they just hope for the best, but have always felt that if Rampage manages to find BJ and bring her back, they would try and help BJ complete her quest. They are otherwise happy living in Chapel and helping rebuild.
Glory has been trying to research enervation with a team of other scientists and is similarly relying on Rampage to find a way to bring BJ back. She's not willing to believe BJ is dead without proof but is not willing to dive the core to get it at this point.
Lancer and co. don't give a damn about BJ, nor do the remnants of the enclave, Rainbow Dash, etc. Stronghooves isn't looking, either. Psalm has been stalking him in her alicorn body ever since Lacunae dissipated, and she reminds him and the other steel rangers that BJs been pronounced dead.
That's all. That's everyone.
Anon fails at reading comprehension.
Thank you for clearing that up for me. I had a feeling that it was a little tongue in cheek about what was really written so I appreciate the decent reply. Thank you.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Evilgidgit Tue Jan 14, 2014 10:13 am
A very enjoyable chapter. Well done, Somber and you awesome editors.
Though, when Scotch Tape's scene begins, her name is spelt "Scotch tape".
Though, when Scotch Tape's scene begins, her name is spelt "Scotch tape".
- Spoiler:
- Psalm/Lacunae is back! YAY!
Beebop and Rocksteady. Haha.
Will Rainbow Dash get to reunite with Fluttershy, and will the latter actually have a role in the story to reunite with her daughter.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Cognitum might actually have a body rather than being the Tokomare I always assumed? Oooooh. More wild mass guessing!
There could've possibly been a Paladin Mustang!? Put him in right now!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Moodyman90 Tue Jan 14, 2014 12:46 pm
I can't say much other than I enjoyed the new chapter, but there is one thing I now question and simply would like an answer for.
Don't mean to cause a ruckus, don't want to start any debates, I just want an answer as to why that has to be a thing by one of the brushing team if not from Somber himself, I'll pass that along and be done with it. I was okay with it until I kept getting asked why when I couldn't provide an answer.
- Spoiler:
- What is the reasoning and point to Sky Striker having those rings in his bloodstream to prevent him from healing? I mentioned that to some others when I was reading and they kept harping on that, stating that it serves no point other than even more drama which shouldn't be nessasary. And, and this is a quote "Why can't Glory just study Enervation just to find a way to get rid of it, or to find a safe way to look for Blackjack? Why does her dad have to be in danger of it as well because he has stuff in his blood?"
Don't mean to cause a ruckus, don't want to start any debates, I just want an answer as to why that has to be a thing by one of the brushing team if not from Somber himself, I'll pass that along and be done with it. I was okay with it until I kept getting asked why when I couldn't provide an answer.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Moodyman90 Tue Jan 14, 2014 2:07 pm
You answered my question without actually answering my question and I have only myself to blame for not phrasing it correctly.
You're answer is the in-universe reasons of why he's not healing and all, but my question is for the meta reason why he's not healing. as in "Why is Somber making Sky Striker not healing a plot point to put more pressure on Glory?"
Unless I completely misunderstood the questions I was getting yesterday or misremembering them today.
You're answer is the in-universe reasons of why he's not healing and all, but my question is for the meta reason why he's not healing. as in "Why is Somber making Sky Striker not healing a plot point to put more pressure on Glory?"
Unless I completely misunderstood the questions I was getting yesterday or misremembering them today.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Tue Jan 14, 2014 2:11 pm
Noticed something while reading.
Chapter 62A: "I would have teleported directed behind you"
Chapter 62A: "I would have teleported directed behind you"
Guest- Guest
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Tue Jan 14, 2014 2:14 pm
Another one:
"Who'd been walked along beside me"
"Who'd been walked along beside me"
Guest- Guest
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Moodyman90 Tue Jan 14, 2014 2:49 pm
Ah, sorry I didn't catch that was the second half of your answer. That makes a lot more sense. I'll let the others know as soon as I can if they haven't already found out.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Tue Jan 14, 2014 2:55 pm
Sorry about this. I'm sure it's annoying but I'm typing from my Xbox.
62A again:
"chunks of metal and flew across the air"
62A again:
"chunks of metal and flew across the air"
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Tue Jan 14, 2014 3:19 pm
Icy Shake wrote:Well, with that timing of the chapter, no way I was reading it last night.
Let's see what's in store.
- Chapter Sixty Three Running Thoughts:
Okay, starting with a dream or hallucination. Makes sense. Or time jump, maybe?
“Certainly high, but not worth the cost just yet. The order sees little benefit in diverting resources out here when there is so much to be settled in the west.”
Okay, I'll guess time jump.
His baby blue magic levitated a scroll from the rest of the papers.
Yeah, it would be, wouldn't it? Either that or pale yellow/gold.
“This one is suggesting we pursue an alliance with the Harbingers, given their access to technology around the valley.”
And I'll go with "Fuck that."
“The Harbingers?” Crumpets curled her lip as if she smelled something foul. “They were Blackjack’s enemies.”
“But not ours,” he muttered. “Blackjack’s been dead for a quarter of a year.
Wow, so time jump and a change in perspective.
Depending on how this goes, could make me wonder why the volume split wasn't between 62 and 63.
Oh, also, should be past Sunshine and Rainbows now, but I don't know just how much that would affect Hoofington, since it was always rainy naturally. But I guess Littlepip could decide to switch it anyway.
So, I don't believe Blackjack is dead, but what is her status, then
? Seems too soon for her to be dominated by or otherwise serving an enemy again. So captured or trapped?
“You heard her arrive, Overmare?” Crumpets asked incredulously.
“Her magic has a very distinct sound,”
Lacunae/Psalm?
If he’d been a different kind of stallion, things could have been made very difficult for us.
If he had been a different kind of stallion, they wouldn't have had the stable at all.
“It’s rained for nearly three months, non-stop,” Crumpets said with a sigh. “I wish I knew why this ‘Lightbringer’ can’t give us a break,” she said as she looked up, rain pattering off her visor.
Okay, so that is happening. I wonder what the weather was like before the war, when Hoofington was still a real city but without pressures on it from the conflict.
Hoofington has always had problems with rain and lightning storms, even before the war.”
So it happens even when I'm not rereading.
As if on cue, the skies were illuminated with a brilliant greenish-white bolt snaking along the skies, followed by another massive crack.
That ain't normal.
I want to see him… but I don’t deserve to see him… but I… I…”
I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPY! It's like the fall-off in guilt from Blackjack the last few chapters got dumped into her.
“You mean Security?” Crumpets blurted, getting another kick. Biting her tongue, she let the unicorn answer.
Was that a secret?
“No no no. She… I… we… if she’d been there, then we wouldn’t have let her die. She… I…”
"Congratulations, Psalm, you're the new Blackjack! Now let's go!"
“No! No. We’re fine. I… we…” she shook her head again, then regained her strength. “Blackjack is not dead,” Psalm said as she looked towards the Core.
Well, Psalm would have a better idea than most, especially since I'll go out on a limb and say nobody even tried particularly hard to recover the body.
The black canyons of the city glistened with the film of rain that slicked their surfaces, transforming them into mirrors reflecting nothing. The empty streets, cracked and broken, from nowhere to nowhere, snaked around the monoliths that plunged from the sky to the deepest depths of the earth like ebony arrows. No wind could stir the garbage that lay in saturated mats where errant currents had deposited them, two centuries after being cast away. None would. There was no rot or decay for the heaps. If it could not be washed away, it would linger.
Forever.
Absolutely shameless. Very compelling, though. And it means she's in a high Enervation location.
“The natives are getting restless, what with Security being gone,” Splendid said as he admired his newly acquired PipBuck.
So, series of vignettes, covering each faction Blackjack had affected? Small sample size at this point, but possibly also going in reverse order in time?
“The Lightbringer might have begun clearing out the skies, but that doesn’t mean most ponies in the Wasteland have seed stock, fertilizer, or agricultural skills,” she said with a little smile.
Or, for that matter, untainted land.
“The Lightbringer might have begun clearing out the skies, but that doesn’t mean most ponies in the Wasteland have seed stock, fertilizer, or agricultural skills,” . . .
Hm. This conversation seems to be going a little on the "as you know . . . " side.
Just get them away from the other bluebloods who think ‘Good King Security’ is gone for good.
Is it not a gendered crown, or were they just really dense?
“Dragons are fireproof, dude. What else you got? Because I got plenty!”
I was thinking this seemed like a stacked deck, but I'm guessing Candlewick takes it nonetheless
With a grin, all four hooves began to thrash at the dragon’s crotch, each hit punctuated by a blast of fire from his hooves. A few second later, he slowed, the dragon gazing down at the scarred stallion with a scornful curl of his lips. “Dude. They’re internal, and you’re not my type.”
I'm not sure, but that might be the first time in PH a crotch attack has failed.
The dragon’s head came down, his pointed maw snapping closed on Candlewick's left forehoof. The fangs clenched on the reinforced PipBuck casing and the top of the blazing power hoof, yanking Candlewick off the ground. The dragon’s claws reached up, raking his back and haunches. The firepony’s coat tore easily, as did the hide beneath. “Get away from him!” the lavender mare shouted, making him grin.
Okay, so I made the wrong bet there. Also, I thought you might be going for another amputation, given the conversation on TVTropes over the weekend, since it wouldn't have been hard to edit in.
but the lavender unicorn clambered down
you're doing that on purpose now, aren't you?
A knot of zebras calling themselves ‘Achu’ were talking with ‘Doombunny Deathbringers’, zebras from some place called Glyphmark.
I wonder if they get shit about their names.
“With the Flashers, Halfhearts, and Highlanders? No way,” Candlewick snorted. But his eyes lingered on the lavender mare underneath the rainbow-burst banner of the Flash Fillies. “And you can’t tell me your boss feels any differently. We coexist because of Big Daddy and the Reapers. We don’t work together.”
Setup for synchronized coups? Or maybe just desertions?
“We’re Steel Rangers, not Steel Ditchdiggers!” one of the two power-armored ponies shouted, but they rammed their shoulders against the barricade and pushed the leaning stones back up.
Hey, the Corps of Engineers is legit, too, and fuck it, sometimes you do what you need to, crybaby.
Deus rumbled down the road dragging a ton of debris, walls, and rusty pieces of wagon.
Oh, last night, it occurred to me that maybe at some point Doofus will get a chance to apologize to Twist. Wouldn't that be nice?
“I… you… you’re bluffing!” the filly spluttered as P-21 smiled. “You’re insane! What kind of teacher are you?”
One who spent a lot of time with Blackjack? Also Rampage.
“With real detonators, real talismans, real disarm tabs, real timers... and something special in place of most of the charge, courtesy of Sekashi.”
Because child abuse is the best form of education.
She smiled, glanced around for anypony who might be watching, and then nuzzled his nose.
And didn't she just say something about needing to do something "radical"?
“Our teacher is a psychotic, evil, sneaky, no-good fucking jerk!” snapped Razorblade.
He bowed his head to her with a smile.
"Quite right! But what was the other lesson?"
If we hadn’t been there, she’d have died in those tunnels. If we hadn’t had Hydra, she’d still be blind.”
Well, it sounds like eyes aren't that hard to come by anymore.
“If you say so,” he said leaning in and giving her a little nuzzle before walking around her. “I’m going to head back up to the house. See you there.” And with that, he trotted out into the rain.
Okay, how does he get her? Trick grenade in the saddlebags? Or something more original?
It was as if the heavens themselves were at war with the buildings. “Come on, Blackjack. You’ve come back to life before…”
Man, you come back from the dead one or two times and everyone thinks you just can't die.
But the foundation was unsound, the roots rotten. Nothing founded on a lie can last forever.
Not in verse, but still feels like an inversion of "The old that is strong does not wither/Deep roots do not die in the frost."
“It’s official that Ironfeather took the last functional Thunderhead and a dozen loyal ships and departed for parts unknown.”
May see this later, but I have a feeling it'll be a loose thread, like those left in FoE, a story for others to tell.
Did you know she stuffed a mattress with Crosswind’s feathers before kicking him out over some pond? It was the first time I heard a crew cheer in weeks.”
I'm guessing if they had been isolated, he might have had an H.M.S. Bounty situation on his hooves.
“Oh, she’d fly. Her reactor and main turbines are fine. You just wouldn’t be able to slow down, and steering would be pretty minimal. Perhaps for three minutes at top speed before the engines exploded.”
You know what that would have been good for? Exactly what Rampage wanted.
Storm Chaser seemed to weigh the insult of such dishonorable company with the promise of more inebriant and finally gestured to the seat besides Twister.
One of the rules of this story is that booze always wins.
“I’m sure somepony just messed up the audits. After all, the Core is there,” Storm Chaser said wearily, gesturing with her hoof vaguely to the side.
Doubt it. I'd bet Twilight tracked everything back to the source, all the numbers, just like she did with the BS on Flux.
“To the pegasi! May they fly in clear skies from now on,” Twister offered.
The gray officer stared into the glass. “To the fallen,” Storm Chaser said, more subdued. “May their sacrifices be remembered, and honored.”
Rainbow Dash mirrored the general, her own eyes distant. “To friends. May they always be reunited.”
Future, past, present. Nice.
There was only one direction in this city: down. Every drop of water reinforces this fact. It flows endlessly from the firmament, races down the cracked black walls, spurts out of downspouts, sprays off molding, and crashes down stairs. Cold waterfalls cascaded down elevator shafts, and rivers flowed out lobby doors. The streets served as canals for the rain, until it disappeared down cracks in the asphalt, swirled down storm drains, and poured into the subways with the perpetual noise of a great inhalation. The current never ends. Downward. Downward. Down.
Escape is impossible. The curving streets only lead inward, and even the most concerted effort to leave would be stopped the moment one reached the grim walls rising story after story around the entire city, a monolithic barrier to keep the Wasteland out and the captive within. The street signs at intersections never point in a direction leading away from the city; the maps in the travelers’ kiosks end at that wall, as if there were no Equestria beyond it.
The Wasteland is a cool monster, patient, accepting an escape today with the easy knowledge that tomorrow, or someday, it would claim you. Not this place. It hungered. And every drop of rain drew all within it in that inevitable and inexorable direction. Down.
Gorgeous, but all the tense shifts feel weird to me. Oh, and who would have guessed that the FoE universe would use so many types of section delimiters that writers would need to resort to self-indulgent scenery porn to avoid aliasing? ;) (Maaaybe I can bring myself to indulge, too. But only because I like you.)
“I want to go home. I want to take care of the children. There is far too much lightning to fly safely. Master Vanity told me to take care of the children,” she rasped in a daze.
Yay! It's Harpica!
“That reminds me of another stor--” Sekashi began.
Is it really "another" story if you didn't even start the first?
“They are from a place called Glyphmark. Your father named them traitors, no better than ponies,” Adama said carefully.
Wait . . . who or what are from Glyphmark? Not the Atoli, right? The sharks or squid?
Or is it the zebra of Glyphmark that the Atoli hunt with harpoons?
“Are you?” she snapped back. “You are exiled. Betrayed. Cursed!”
Speaking of "cursed!," I wonder if we'll get to see Xanthe.
Each of those high points is a spell you can cast and its corresponding characteristics. Ten peaks. Not bad at all, considering that the average for most unicorns is six.”
Yeah, but it's got to be a pretty right-skewed distribution. Also, Blackjack would have been at, (levitation, magic bullets, light, teleportation, door) five, I think, if levitation, bullets, and light are considered separate.
So why was she special? Was it something in her design? Something she did? Something she was exposed to? For all we know, it’s that damned megaspell program she carries with her.”
Too bad Glory never met Snips and Snails.
“I can take off that sexy with a belt sander,” Glory muttered under her breath.
But would it stick? Given Glory's experience, I'd guess not for long.
“Observing a section of space about five months ago. It was the wavelength that stood out. Most stars don’t produce magic in this band. Blue. Yellow. Red. Even purple and pink. But there aren’t very many stars that produce a green wavelength of magic.”
Gotcha.
“Virginity is all in the mind,” Morningstar replied glibly. “Besides, I’ve been a father and a grandfather. I’m quite thrilled for the chance to be a mother too.”
Well, I was going to say something about the pronouns, but I guess the doctor's changed in mind as well.
“If it makes it easier, think of the doctor as having intellectual incontinence. Everything in her head dribbles out, no matter what kind of a mess it makes. It’s not personal,” Glory said
Is Glory . . . telling a joke? And funny one, at that?
When she injured you, her wings must have shed millions of these into your wounds. They’re all over your cells,” Glory said with a frown.
Time for dialysis.
Vivid green boils of magic bubbled along Triage’s horn, exploding in bursts of green and purple.
"Alicorn" (the fuck was that about, by the way?)/Sombra magic?
“I love being smart.”
Well, given what the Joke was, I suppose it is fair to say that there likely aren't many smarter than her.
“It’s fine! It’s fine,” Glory said, glancing down at a statuette of a seven-month-old pony fetus. She kicked it out of sight under the ruins of the workbench. Every mare there, even Doctor Morningstar, seemed aware of how not fine it was.
Chilling and disgusting. I'm with Triage; get to the end of it as quickly as possible, and she's done.
Or maybe all those different forms the metal took could have some sort of technical pattern! We could use this to our advantage. Think of the possibilities!” Glory gushed.
1. Eye on the prize
2. You remember what that was just doing, right?
3. Yeah, I know how this goes; it's just so cool you forget everything else
“Don’t tell me you’ve seen that pattern before too?”
Moonshadow tapped her muzzle with a hoof, then slowly smiled. “You know what? I think I have...”
Moon rock, natch. And that description of countermagic does sound just like the reaction. Right down to the migrane.
“Robot processors miss things. Empty food tins. Missing gemstones. Turds in the corner. A trail of drained Wild Pegasus bottles.
Question is, miscarriage, or Blackjack ignorance, or is she counting on the poison-management to be just that good?
First, that your ‘Goddess’,” he said, twitching his forehooves in the air, “is completely insane and irrational. That would explain a lot.”
There's a good deal to back that up.
There’s possibility number two: that Cognitum is incompetent. I’m not sure which of those two is worse. I mean, that fiasco with Deus at the manor and your little spat with the dear hubby was such a tactical clusterfuck that it was almost painful.
Also fair. And since it's not coming from a (typical) Enclave officer, he probably knows what he's talking about.
I am sure there is a Cognitum in the Core. And you are her chosen one, right? Most faithful. Most devoted. Most specialest.” He patted her other cheek with his hoof, making her lunge once more, then went on,
He was wasted on evil. Condescension, now that's where he excels.
Do you think that you’re the first officer to ‘creatively interpret’ a superior’s orders? It happens all the time. Happened during the war.
Big Mac did it during the first memory Blackjack saw of the Marauders.
“I want two things… the bomb out of my chest, and enough power to crush the world beneath my hoof.
Two simple, little things. And look what I need to do to get them. Look what you made me do!
Oh, wait. That was Sanguine. Never mind.
“My Goddess needs to choose a pony for a precious honor. It was supposed to be me. It should be me!
I must be the vessel!
“She cares about what happens to Blackjack! Don’t you understand? She’s intervened twice to save her life. The Goddess has never done that for me! I’m her most devoted servant! I’m her most faithful.”
Not that faithful, apparently. Also, if Cognitum has remnants of good in her, then it's hardly difficult to see why she might take a shine to Blackjack over you.
“She thinks she needs Blackjack for her plans, not just EC-1101. That’s why I need to find her myself. I have to be the one to stop her. To give my goddess the key to her freedom.
Well, depending on the circumstances, she may feel she needs the Maiden. And frankly, you just don't fit the bill as well as she.
She doesn’t understand that Blackjack is undeserving. That she is unworthy. I sacrificed everything for my Goddess!
And Blackjack sacrificed everything for anyone, at every chance she got. And I'm not saying that because I just reread it in chapter two yesterday; that's something that sticks with you.
Dawn smiled at him now, and the air filled with the ping of snapping metal. Steel Rain stared into her eyes as a numbness asserted itself from mid-leg to hoof and a strange distant discomfort across his neck and face. Half the world was a strange blur, his mouth and nose filling with the taste and smell of copper. Then he swallowed, and like a zipper, his face spilled apart in a line of agony and blood. His outstretched leg came neatly apart, and he fell back with a gurgling scream. Dawn sneered down at him, her remaining glowing wing outstretched and streaked with blood as links of sheared restraint jingled off the concrete around her.
I thought there was a lack of the good old ultraviolence in this chapter. Though I suppose there was a dragon's innards shooting from either end of his digestive tract in the Arena.
Also, what did I say about him being better at condescension than evil?
She kicked aside his still-twitching limb as she approached.
Maybe there will be an amputation, after all. (Doesn't count if he dies, of course, because then I'm sure both stories are chock-full of them.)
Then the large door rolled up, and spotlights bathed the entire room in white. Dawn stared into the light as Steel’s remaining eye squinted. “My… my Goddess.”
Pulled two chapters in a row, bitches!
Steel Rain trembled and shook as he gave the PipBuck a weak wave. “Blackjack’s trick. Remember?”
“Not dying… good start…” he gasped. “No augmentation, either…”
I didn't remember Steel Rain having so much personality.
“Yes,” the mare purred. “Someone has tapped into your sensory data feed. Backtracking it in three… two… on--”
Perceptitron? Or, at a really long shot, maybe Blackjack learned a new trick with EC-1101?
“Sweepie,” Boo protested, turning over on her side and pulling the blanket more tightly around herself. “Go ta bed, Bwackjack,” she grumbled, swinging a hoof in my direction.
Aaaaawwww . . .
“I know you’re a real pony, Boo. You’ll show us all sooner or later.”
If it hadn’t been for Boo’s freaky luck, I was sure I would have been dead.
What was Blackjack's natural luck, again? Because she's damn lucky herself. I figure it couldn't have been above 9, unless the bonus luck from the set didn't make a difference. Or maybe she (or Boo) breaks the scale and is beyond heroic or legendary or whatever 10 was.
Reaching the door, I threw it wide just as Boo sat up on my back, her ears twitching. I froze. Twitching ears were better than E.F.S. in this place, as all I saw were countless red bars in every direction.
Does Blackjack still have a mane to get twitchy?
Then the door exploded inwards as Rampage blasted through it and leapt right at my chest.
Oh Yeah! Also, I bet Rampage loves the new and improved Boo.
As usual, the chapter grew larger than I originally planned. It was going to start out just Scotch, Glory, and Dawn and then go from there, but it mutated on me.
NO ONE COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING.
I do thank the critical work of my editors, who spend incredible amounts of time trying to get every sentence right... and talking me out of using Paladin Mustang, Hawkeye, and Havok... sniff....
As much as Stronghoof grew on me . . . probably the right call.
- Chapter Sixty Three Overall Thoughts:
The detente is creepy, but not new. The rebuilding, I think is a high point, and the faith Blackjack's friends have in her is heartwarming. Glory, P-21, and Scotch all get to do what it seems like they were meant to (research, teach, engineering), and the chance to see them in their element is great.
The show stealer was Steel Rain. His personality just oozed confidence, condescension, and maybe just a little bit of sleeze or general creepiness, which made the recorder gambit play beautifully. And it looks like we now know who was countermanding the orders sent from the Core.
The section with Lancer, and the rest worked well, particularly in showing the man behind the lance. There were a few parts in it I found confusing, but I think I ended up able to figure out, most notably who/what came from Glyphmark. Majina was adorable, but I'm sad we didn't get a funny story in. Also, great that there's unease under the Legate, because otherwise I'd have real trouble seeing the Remnant as much else than blind or stupid, but the slow-ish change helped.
Oh! And Harpica was there!
I'm glad Psalm's back, and I hope that, in time, she can find a way to move on. After all, if there's anything she should have learned from Blackjack, it's that anyone can be forgiven, and even if you aren't there's still life after, and in that life, you can do better.
Not much to say about Farsight, apart from that she seems to be doing a good job of running 99 as overmare.
Stronghoof didn't get much chance to come out and play, but for the little bit he got, well, it was nice. I don't know just how much he'll be able to see past Lacunae, but he's a good man and if nothing else, I'm sure he'll do what he can to make Psalm feel welcome.
Now we get to the Society and the Arena. At the Arena, the fight was pretty good, and having revolved around tactical thinking and clever tricks, is an example of a PH battle done right. I'm also interested to see what happens within and between the gangs.
That said, both in the Arena and in the Society I felt very much like I was being exposited at. Too much of the information-bearing conversation seemed to me to be in the tone of "as you know" or "I'd like to confirm," even if such wasn't written in the text, which left it feeling kind of dry and took me out of the story a bit. There was some of that elsewhere; I think I noticed some at the Collegiate, for instance, but there it was more spread out in the activity-as-exposition, and "So how do you feel about us coming," "Well, we didn't expect . . . but life doesn't give you what you want [miscarriage story]" worked it into a conversation I feel like might have happened sooner, but a more natural one nonetheless.
I'm happy that the records and memories are still there, though. Interestingly, the setup and different news from each member of the shitty wine party, and particularly the fact that what was volunteered made sense coming from the one (and only the one) delivering it eliminated this almost entirely, especially in conjuction with the emotional overtones of the scene, despite the fact that it, more than any of the other scenes but that in the Society, was purely talk (plus body language etc.).
The intermission scenes were beautifully descriptive, and of course the stuff I said in the running thoughts (e.g. "self-indulgent") was meant as a joke, but I'm never entirely sure if I inflect that right. There was one of them, though, which felt strange because it kept slipping between past and present tense, and I don't know if that was for effect or not.
- Chapter Sixty Three Editing, version taken about 5:
second hyphen for dash
lip and shrank back. “I… No.
second space after ellipsis or no capitalization of "No."
Given they don’t buy from us, though, they haven’t caught many with their Hoofington Rises stuff.
should "Hoofington Rises" be in quotes?
When ponies saw even the Regent hauling crops, it definitely made an impact on them.
"Regent" probably shouldn't be capitalized
All of father’s memory orbs and recordings… all that knowledge and those secrets.
"father" should be capitalized
“Ya know, normally burners don’t get to compete,”
should "burners" be capitalized? I assume it's the plural of members of the Burner Boys.
There was a fwooom as four blasts of flame burst from the hooves and into the dragons scales.
"dragon's"
Candlewick slipped into SATS,
S.A.T.S.
throwing Candlewick aside as moment later the insides of the dragon exploded out of both ends.
"as a moment"
“Don’t heal em all the way.
Most of em, anyway,”
apostrophe for "em"
a hapless slice of bread. “Did I fucking tell you
three spaces after period
Cause that would have just been sad!
Cause… Yeah!”
Apostrophe for "Cause"
A dozen pegasi ‘wings’ were in attendance.
should that be "pegasus"?
You join them. Period.” Storm Front said.
period after "Period" should be comma
was plenty of candy and Sparkle Cola.
hyphen for Sparkle Cola
This is your standard Solaris-brand landmine.
The Solaris brand mine has several flaws.
not sure the hyphen should be there, but if so, there's the second one that might need one
most specifically four needles of Med X.
"Med-X"
“Ah! Did it just beep?! I heard a beep! I-“
‘BEEP BEEP BE-‘
second hyphen for dash
“You have to trust me!” He pleaded.
should have only one space after quotation, "He" not capitalized
BEEP! BEEP! BE- went the mine,
second hyphen for dash, might want to either add quotes here or get rid of the ones from the first set of beeps
One trusted the wrong colt to help her and got dusted when he laughed rather than disarmed the mine.
I think that should be either "disarm" or "disarming"
and one zebra filly was smart and clever enough to shift till she had one hoof pressing down on the pillow, moved her body, and then knocked the pillow aside and disarmed hers.
I think there's a tense slip here: what about "she had . . . move her body, and then knock the pillow aside and disarm hers"?
Razorblade talks to you, though.” Scotch Tape frowned.
should have second space after quotation
Lifting it with her hoof, Twister took a drink of something that could only vaguely be called ‘wine’.
would "loosely" fit better with "called," as opposed to something like "resembled"?
Does she hold the specific Councilors who authorized Cauterize responsible?
"Councilors" probably shouldn't be capitalized
Twister shivered, her tan wings fluffing a little.
lavender
of helping Pinkie Pie… If I hadn’t taken Pumpkin with me
"If" probably shouldn't be capitalized.
Workers like the Diamond Dogs were supposed to dig even more efficiently.
"Diamond Dogs" shouldn't be capitalized
“What should we drink to?” She asked, returning the bottle to Twister.
should have only one space after quotation, "she" shouldn't be capitalized
She peered at Atama, then blinked.
Lancer reached out and pulled her off Atama’s back and set her on his.
"Adama"
I do not wish to test your darts against the brood just yet.
"brood" should be capitalized
“But what about your story, mamma?”
"mamma" should be capitalized
all were equal in the place. Even the massive airship,
three spaces after period
rather than months ago. The slow trickle of red dripping
only one space after period
Pegasi weather manipulation.
"Pegasus"
We asked Professor Zodiac and Deus and the cyberpony survivors, and all of them are sickened by Enervation, as are the Sand Dogs.
"sand dogs"
“That confirms why your healing is retarded, daddy, but not why Enervation is focused on you.
"daddy" should be capitalized.
“How do you think I feel?” Sky Striker rasped.
should have only one space after quotation
“You think you can? Would that do
only one space after question mark
Sorry, daddy,” Glory said and at once moved behind him
"Daddy" should be capitalized
Her... Ugh, this is worse than being Rainbow Dash!”
should have second space after ellipsis, or not capitalize "Ugh"
mathematical patterns. “What did you
three spaces after period
please...think about what you were
space needed after ellipsis
Morningstar's obnoxious grin melted, shivering and fluffing her feathers as she focused on the machine.
the grin is the subject of the sentence, and doesn't really match "shivering and fluffing"
maybe change to "and she shivered and fluffed," or similar but with semicolon?
“My word... Well... I...”
different spacing, or don't capitalize "Well"
Two alcoves held a pair of ultra-sentinels flanking the portal.
"ultra-sentinels" should be capitalized
“What are you doing?” Dawn asked, her green eyes widening in shock.
should have only one space after quotation
A second later the arms froze, leaving her now dangling from the restraints around her chest, throat, and hips.
maybe just "leaving her dangling"?
Don’t interrupt with villainous cliche
missing accent on cliche
“’Your goddess’? You speak about her like she’s a pet.”
but either she’s a goddess utterly unable
all the other "goddesses" nearby are capitalized
If you had control over ultra-sentinels and even occasional control over
"ultra-sentinels" should be capitalized
You could slip on all the sarcasm on that one word.
maybe it's just I'm not used to the third person narration as a part of the story, but the "you" feels really weird there (after all, who is "you"?), and it seemed like most of the chapter's narrative was a little more serile than normal, when it had more of Blackjack's personality (maybe not exactly more sterile, but less . . . comment-y). Keeping it largely the same, what if it were "A pony" or some creature not likely to slip? [perhaps never mind, now that I've reached the end, especially if it was meant as a hint]
will love me again and choose me!” she shouted.
should have only one space after quotation
making the restraints creek. Two of them squealed,
Only one space after period
To give my goddess the key to her freedom.
Should "goddess" be capitalized?
Blood dripped over the Pipbuck as he kicked away from her with his hind legs.
"PipBuck"
“No… I… Whatever he told you…” Dawn stammered.
different spacing, or "Whatever" shouldn't be capitalized.
There’s another tapped into your Pipbuck.”
"PipBuck"
There was only one direction in this city: down. Every drop of water reinforces this fact. It flows endlessly from the firmament, races down the cracked black walls, spurts out of downspouts, sprays off molding, and crashes down stairs. Cold waterfalls cascaded down elevator shafts, and rivers flowed out lobby doors. The streets served as canals for the rain, until it disappeared down cracks in the asphalt, swirled down storm drains, and poured into the subways with the perpetual noise of a great inhalation. The current never ends. Downward. Downward. Down.
Escape is impossible. The curving streets only lead inward, and even the most concerted effort to leave would be stopped the moment one reached the grim walls rising story after story around the entire city, a monolithic barrier to keep the Wasteland out and the captive within. The street signs at intersections never point in a direction leading away from the city; the maps in the travelers’ kiosks end at that wall, as if there were no Equestria beyond it.
The Wasteland is a cool monster, patient, accepting an escape today with the easy knowledge that tomorrow, or someday, it would claim you. Not this place. It hungered. And every drop of rain drew all within it in that inevitable and inexorable direction. Down.
So yeah, with all the others almost entirely in past tense, with the exception, I think, of "Nothing founded on a lie can last forever", it does stand out. I don't know if it was meant to. If so, just ignore, naturally.
Bolded sections are present tense, the rest is past or subjunctive.
- Other Chapter Editing:
In this case, I think "regent" and "society" should be capitalized, but a second opinion wouldn't hurt.
“No!” Charm screamed at the top of her lungs.
Should have only one space after quotation.
42: Flash Fillies made sense when you saw the beam weapons. But ‘Halfheart?’
Question mark to outside of quotation marks. Also, Halfheart possibly should be plural, since the others were?
All in all, a lot more to like than not, and the new thing Somber tried worked pretty well for the most part.
Would read again (surprise, I know), but not tonight.
Will check out comments tomorrow.
Vergil wrote:Ch.57: "That was a least half the gossip in 99."
"Pity," he said as he wiped champaign from his sleeve.
Ah, thank you.Evilgidgit wrote:A very enjoyable chapter. Well done, Somber and you awesome editors.
Though, when Scotch Tape's scene begins, her name is spelt "Scotch tape".
- Spoiler:
Beebop and Rocksteady. Haha.
Will Rainbow Dash get to reunite with Fluttershy, and will the latter actually have a role in the story to reunite with her daughter.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Cognitum might actually have a body rather than being the Tokomare I always assumed? Oooooh. More wild mass guessing!
There could've possibly been a Paladin Mustang!? Put him in right now!
Not necessarily, unfortunately. It's possible that Razorblade was from outside the Hoof.Ryx wrote:One thing that I immediately noticed was P-21 specifically referring to Razorblade as a "raider" kid. If that wasn't just a slip of the tongue, then it implies that Glory was actually successful in curing the raider plague, which is really quite incredible. It also means she didn't have to sacrifice herself while singing about being a "scientist salarian", which I was quite honestly extremely concerned about the moment she suggested working on a cure...
…But the volume split is between 62 and 63.Icy Shake wrote:Depending on how this goes, could make me wonder why the volume split wasn't between 62 and 63.
The zebras that the Remnant are using as slave labor.Icy Shake wrote:Wait . . . who or what are from Glyphmark? Not the Atoli, right? The sharks or squid?
Or is it the zebra of Glyphmark that the Atoli hunt with harpoons?
This came up in the editing chat, actually. Dr. Morningstar's gender is "Morningstar". :)Icy Shake wrote:Well, I was going to say something about the pronouns, but I guess the doctor's changed in mind as well.
She started with 9, IIRC.Icy Shake wrote:What was Blackjack's natural luck, again? Because she's damn lucky herself. I figure it couldn't have been above 9, unless the bonus luck from the set didn't make a difference. Or maybe she (or Boo) breaks the scale and is beyond heroic or legendary or whatever 10 was.
:DIcy Shake wrote:NO ONE COULD HAVE SEEN THIS COMING.
Last wrote:Noticed something while reading.
Chapter 62A: "I would have teleported directed behind you"
Last wrote:Another one:
"Who'd been walked along beside me"
Ah, thank you.Last wrote:Sorry about this. I'm sure it's annoying but I'm typing from my Xbox.
62A again:
"chunks of metal and flew across the air"
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