Sister forum[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Tue Nov 26, 2013 5:57 pm
@Caoimhe Well you could look at revolvers as more of a failed design. For the most part.
The firearm industry evolved rather quickly in equestria I believe the very first gun that's mentioned is one big mac purchases to kill a cockatriece (Or however that's spelled.) and I think Applejack refers to it in a way that implies that firearms were just newly discovered. I think it's reasonable to expect a few failed weapon designs along the way. Besides a revolver is still probably easier for an earthpony or pegasus to use than weapons that predated it
The firearm industry evolved rather quickly in equestria I believe the very first gun that's mentioned is one big mac purchases to kill a cockatriece (Or however that's spelled.) and I think Applejack refers to it in a way that implies that firearms were just newly discovered. I think it's reasonable to expect a few failed weapon designs along the way. Besides a revolver is still probably easier for an earthpony or pegasus to use than weapons that predated it
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Caoimhe Tue Nov 26, 2013 6:01 pm
Hmm, except how is one supposed to load a real world equivalent shape revolver? Pick up bullets with teeth and hold it on the table with one hoof? Hardly apt for mid-conflict.
I can see the failed design concept I suppose, how they'd come up with it is beyond my comprehension. Hope there's some magic involved to compensate for the recoil though.
Yeah I know, it's a magical ponyland and all.
I can see the failed design concept I suppose, how they'd come up with it is beyond my comprehension. Hope there's some magic involved to compensate for the recoil though.
Yeah I know, it's a magical ponyland and all.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Tue Nov 26, 2013 6:15 pm
If it helps while I'm not a hundred percent sure I think when Braeburn originally made lil' mac for AJ he included a letter saying something about how he believed a lesser pony using it would damage their jaw... I could be completly wrong about that though. It's something I remember vaguely.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Kippershy Tue Nov 26, 2013 6:26 pm
I don't remember that at all, even with my re-reading it a while back.
He made it for her and said he was sorry that things had gotten so bad between them, but I don't think he ever said anything about anyone else in his letter.
He made it for her and said he was sorry that things had gotten so bad between them, but I don't think he ever said anything about anyone else in his letter.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Tue Nov 26, 2013 6:39 pm
That's the letter when AJ sent Lil' Mac back. It was an apology over her reaction to the anti-machine rifles. Though it's entirely possible I made up the other letter.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Tue Nov 26, 2013 7:14 pm
I would just like to say that I would be okay with a combination of a hat-gun and one of those drinking-straw hats. I feel deep in my soul that this would be entertaining.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Derpmind Tue Nov 26, 2013 7:58 pm
I just know someone IRL has come up with the brilliant idea of using a helmet gun and dual-wielding to fire three guns simultaneously.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scienza Tue Nov 26, 2013 8:16 pm
Now, what I'm really surprised that I haven't seen at all is a hoof-mounted firearm, akin to New Vegas' ballistic fist.Caoimhe wrote:I wish there was an agreed canon image of what most projectile weapons look like in FoEniverse. How non-unicorns use weapons without a battle saddle requires quite a large a suspension of disbelief. It becomes even more complex given how 1 for 1 "real world" some weapons are described as like sniper rifles, revolvers and shotguns. I still cringe at some of the more seemingly teeth-shattering descriptions.
Not that it's that big of a deal, but Somber at least includes more laser oriented fantasy weapons that make a little more sense. I still can't see how ponies would develop a small revolver that requires loading small bullets that could seemingly only be efficiently accomplished by a third of the population.
Edit: Hell, if I were to rewrite FoE, I'd imagine most weapons as to involve some sort of head harness or helmet. Unicorns by nature can fire magic horn-based projectiles, so it'd make more sense for other subspecies to design something originating from the top of the head. Else, make all weapons only able to be operated from a battle saddle. Shoving stuff in the mouth and using the tongue to operate a trigger makes no reasonable sense from an operational or tactical standpoint.
It would have swiveling trigger mechanisms, so you could walk properly. Just flick your back hooves and give a raider a twelve-gauge applebuck to the face!
Last edited by Scienza on Tue Nov 26, 2013 8:27 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Kippershy Tue Nov 26, 2013 8:26 pm
The Russians (I think) did concept such a gun, but the recoil and aiming it turned out to be too dangerous.Derpmind wrote:I just know someone IRL has come up with the brilliant idea of using a helmet gun and dual-wielding to fire three guns simultaneously.
Not only can you not fire it without having your head directly in the line of fire (where-as you can always blindfire with your arms if you're in cover) but the aiming of the gun is problematic since our eyesight isn't always 'on center' so to speak and the recoil would likely cause permanent neck damage if you were to securely attach even a .22 to not shoot wildly.
As well as this, you have the issue of firing the gun and reloading it too - it would likely require taking the helmet off, which would take a while and be nowhere near the effort
In short, even the Russians saw it to be a stupid idea and it never got past paper.
As for this, while not technically hoof mounted, I do include a hoof-fire capable shotgun into my own stuff.Scienza wrote:Now, what I'm really surprised that I haven't seen at all is a hoof-mounted firearm, akin to New Vegas' ballistic fist.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Tue Nov 26, 2013 10:50 pm
I agree that "mouthgun" is kind of weird and goofy. I would tend to err on the side of avoiding the word "handgun" at all.Scienza wrote:I'm kinda in the boat of just calling it a handgun. Turning it into "mouthgun" is kinda distracting in my opinion, and makes it harder to immediately understand what you're referring to.
Uh, what version of Wiki are you looking at?swicked wrote:Wiki says all revolvers are pistols, though, so at least that is covered.
Pistol
When distinguished as a subset of handguns, a pistol is a handgun with a chamber that is integral with the barrel, such as a pepperbox revolver—as opposed to a standard (single-barrel) revolver, wherein the chamber is separate from the barrel as a revolving cylinder.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Tue Nov 26, 2013 10:55 pm
Wait, that sounds kind of familiar...Scienza wrote:Now, what I'm really surprised that I haven't seen at all is a hoof-mounted firearm, akin to New Vegas' ballistic fist.
It would have swiveling trigger mechanisms, so you could walk properly. Just flick your back hooves and give a raider a twelve-gauge applebuck to the face!
- Spoiler:
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 21 Rarity_as_bayonetta_by_theartrix-d4nv9sz](https://2img.net/h/fc07.deviantart.net/fs71/f/2012/028/2/9/rarity_as_bayonetta_by_theartrix-d4nv9sz.png)
Seriously, though, I agree that this should be a thing which exists. (Possibly a zebra thing.) I think I'd put it on the front leg, though.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Wed Nov 27, 2013 4:21 am
Ah, yes, that's what I thought. Thank you for the clarification, SilentCarto.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Technowolf Wed Nov 27, 2013 10:54 am
Why use a helmet when you can just be good?Derpmind wrote:I just know someone IRL has come up with the brilliant idea of using a helmet gun and dual-wielding to fire three guns simultaneously.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Meleagridis Wed Nov 27, 2013 12:10 pm
That reminds me, I still need to finish Wings.Scienza wrote:Now, what I'm really surprised that I haven't seen at all is a hoof-mounted firearm, akin to New Vegas' ballistic fist.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Aonee Wed Nov 27, 2013 3:16 pm
I was just about to say, in Wings the main character combines his prosthetic rear leg with a shotgun. He continually breaks it from the force, but still.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Luminous Lead Thu Nov 28, 2013 8:53 pm
I take it you haven't read Fallingsnow's Guise of Chaos yet, then?Scienza wrote:
Now, what I'm really surprised that I haven't seen at all is a hoof-mounted firearm, akin to New Vegas' ballistic fist.
It would have swiveling trigger mechanisms, so you could walk properly. Just flick your back hooves and give a raider a twelve-gauge applebuck to the face!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Rayndalf Sat Nov 30, 2013 10:44 pm
Maybe they use speed-loaders...Caoimhe wrote:Hmm, except how is one supposed to load a real world equivalent shape revolver? Pick up bullets with teeth and hold it on the table with one hoof? Hardly apt for mid-conflict.
Magical speed-loaders that bullets feel compelled to be attached to...
It makes perfect sense!
Last edited by Rayndalf on Sat Nov 30, 2013 10:45 pm; edited 2 times in total
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by StoneSlinger88 Sat Nov 30, 2013 10:56 pm
Speedloaders. Some revolvers can either break open or flip the cylinder out with a quick eject for shells, allowing for a speed loader to be used.Rayndalf wrote:Maybe they use speed-loaders...Caoimhe wrote:Hmm, except how is one supposed to load a real world equivalent shape revolver? Pick up bullets with teeth and hold it on the table with one hoof? Hardly apt for mid-conflict.
Magical speed-loaders that bullets feel compelled to be attached to...
It makes perfect sense!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Rayndalf Sat Nov 30, 2013 11:06 pm
If I recall correctly, every revolver in Fallout 3, and Fallout New Vegas uses a speedloader, with the exception being the '.357 magnum revolver' so I think it would workStoneSlinger88 wrote:Speedloaders. Some revolvers can either break open or flip the cylinder out with a quick eject for shells, allowing for a speed loader to be used.Rayndalf wrote:Maybe they use speed-loaders...Caoimhe wrote:Hmm, except how is one supposed to load a real world equivalent shape revolver? Pick up bullets with teeth and hold it on the table with one hoof? Hardly apt for mid-conflict.
Magical speed-loaders that bullets feel compelled to be attached to...
It makes perfect sense!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Sat Nov 30, 2013 11:22 pm
That's assuming they spent the time developing a device to make revolvers more easily used by earth ponies and pegasi. Seeing as the fire arm industry evolved so rapidly I think it would be a small-ish market.
"Hey there's this thing to make it easier to reload that."
Versus.
"Hey there's this new gun that's easier to load."
Seeing as the earth ponies were the force behind the firearm's industry in general I'd think they'd just move on.
Personally I think speedloaders would be pretty rare in the wastes. I just don't think there were many people buying them if they were even ever produced to begin with.
"Hey there's this thing to make it easier to reload that."
Versus.
"Hey there's this new gun that's easier to load."
Seeing as the earth ponies were the force behind the firearm's industry in general I'd think they'd just move on.
Personally I think speedloaders would be pretty rare in the wastes. I just don't think there were many people buying them if they were even ever produced to begin with.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Rayndalf Sat Nov 30, 2013 11:29 pm
If one were to think about this logically, then yes speedloaders would be very rare...Last wrote:That's assuming they spent the time developin a device to make revolvers more easily used by earth ponies and pegasi. Seeing as the fire arm industry evolved so rapidly I think it would be a small-ish market.
"Hey there's this thing to make it easier to reload that."
Versus.
"Hey there's this new gun that's easier to load."
Seeing as the earth ponies were the force behind the firearm's industry in general I'd think they'd just move on.
Personally I think speedloaders would be pretty rare in the wastes. I just don't think there were many people buying them if they were even ever produced to begin with.
But this is fallout, were the courier has a separate speedloader for each revolver, and the Lone Wanderer has a near infinite supply of stripper clips for his chinese pistol, so many in fact that he/she discards them each time they reload
TL;DR Yes, that is logical, but this is fallout!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Sat Nov 30, 2013 11:33 pm
Hey that's still not as bad as infinite supressors in rainbow six vegas. 
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Sun Dec 01, 2013 4:50 pm
And may I just say that it kind of pisses me off that suppressors in most video games make the gun totally silent? Because they're generally more a matter of "I heard that a city block away" as opposed to "I heard that three miles away". It's a rare gun that can actually shoot someone without his buddy noticing.Last wrote:Hey that's still not as bad as infinite supressors in rainbow six vegas.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Rayndalf Sun Dec 01, 2013 5:40 pm
I guess it all comes down the size of the maps in video games. Very few games include maps where suppressors would practical, so they are more effective, making them more usable. Fallout is one of the few games where suppressors could be true to life and still somewhat practical.SilentCarto wrote:And may I just say that it kind of pisses me off that suppressors in most video games make the gun totally silent? Because they're generally more a matter of "I heard that a city block away" as opposed to "I heard that three miles away". It's a rare gun that can actually shoot someone without his buddy noticing.
Just hope that your enemies don't unrender
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by OneMoreDaySK Sun Dec 01, 2013 8:45 pm
- Blackjack:
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 21 Blackjack](https://lh6.googleusercontent.com/-toL1UmFr750/Upu6GLAiBSI/AAAAAAAA5m8/v2aPskF3TM8/s1600/Blackjack.png)
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Revolver Speedloaders
by Luminous Lead Sun Dec 01, 2013 9:33 pm
The lead uses one in Golden Tassel's Sweet Nothings.Rayndalf wrote:Maybe they use speed-loaders...Caoimhe wrote:Hmm, except how is one supposed to load a real world equivalent shape revolver? Pick up bullets with teeth and hold it on the table with one hoof? Hardly apt for mid-conflict.
Magical speed-loaders that bullets feel compelled to be attached to...
It makes perfect sense!
- (very minor) spoilers:
- Chrys moved back around behind the counter and put the cola away. Her horn continued to glow as she levitated out a box of ammunition and a disk about the same diameter as the revolver’s cylinder with her chartreuse aura, setting both on the counter. "Revolvers are really only practical for unicorns,” she said as she levitated the disk over the loose rounds on the table and I watched as it picked them all up in a ring, neatly aligned to fit back into the cylinder. Chrys pulled the empty casing away with her telekinesis then dropped the rest into the revolver and set the disk down on the table in front of me. "It’s a speedloader. Enchanted to pick up bullets so non-unicorns can actually have a hope of using a revolver.”
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Mon Dec 02, 2013 1:25 am
Holidays . . . It's not that I'm ungrateful, but they can be a drain on anyone, and I suspect they're worse on introverts.
Anyway, made it through the big number thirty three today. It's hard to believe its second anniversary is coming up in a couple months.
Anyway, made it through the big number thirty three today. It's hard to believe its second anniversary is coming up in a couple months.
- Chapter Thirty Three Running Thoughts:
- I still had hope that somehow I had something else to give.
This reminds me somewhat of Rarity in "Simply Rarity," in that she, to a great extent, defined herself and her life by what she could give to others, though more particularly to Sweetie Belle.
The impact pushed me down deeper and deeper, the cold depths squeezing me as my injuries burned in the salty water. My braces were now weights taped to the ends of my limbs, my tattered barding pulling me down.
The contrast in the first sentence is simple, but I like it. Likewise the sense of entrapment in the second sentence.
This was probably where I was going to die…
But not yet.
However, this makes a wonderful first half for the bookending of the chapter.
Then my head broke through into a pocket of air, and I gasped as the groans and screams of metal were mixed with those of ponies.
Especially with the importance of screaming last chapter (in particular, but generally as well), I feel like this worked very well.
Now I was pushed against the wreck as it started moving in the direction opposite of floating.
So . . . sinking? The oxygen deprivation must be getting to her.
“Yes!” I cheered and pumped a hoof… a white smooth hoof that neither flopped about nor bulged with growths! And no PipBuck…
I was alive. Whole! Complete and intact and for the first time in weeks feeling healthy and alive. How long since I’d had this kind of energy?
It's understandable but a little surprising how little reaction there is to the missing PipBuck, given how important EC-1101 has been to her for the last several weeks.
I saw a little red button in the wall that read ‘release’ and hit it.
Well, it's not a big red button, but sometimes you have to make do.
He lay down on the ground, one golden eye looking up at me. His lips moved silently, then he closed them. He took one breath and let it out forever…
Beyond the confusion of the situation (in the dystopian-er future dream), this pathetic vision of Priest helps set the tone even before much else is shown.
No. This was wrong. This was very very wrong! I needed guns, barding, and my friends beside me now! I shoved the desk away and threw open the doors.
Of course she's a mare of action, but implicit within this is that, even after everything, even now that it looks like she's no longer doomed to die in the near term, she instinctively goes back to the old life, that yes, given the chance, she'd do it all again, even knowing the pain and the fear and the heartache that accompanies that life.
The clouds were gone, but so was the sky beyond. From horizon to horizon, a solid wall of baleful green illuminated the skies in an oppressive monochrome. The Core was awash in green light, the center of the green nimbus that spread over everything. Shadowbolt Tower rose like a dagger pointed at the heavens, and the land around the island was lit with thousands of fires. That droning buzz rolled on and on as if the city itself hummed.
Fearful description, and one that seems reminiscent of Mordor during the War of the Ring, though with Barad-dur and Mount Doom overlapping.
And it just continues from there.
And then Rampage spoke. “Shh… baby finally finished crying… but she’s sleeping nice and peaceful now…”
Of course, Blackjack never really gets to the point of earnestly agreeing with Rampage's desire to die/help her do so, but I think that this might be an important turning point where she can really understand what it is Rampage fears in her eternal, invincible life.
I saw her pregnant, distended belly as she stared at me like I were a ghost. Then I slowed. In place of a cutie mark, I saw slashed scars… and the word ‘BREEDER’ carved into her rump. There were nine marks under that violation, three pink and six blue.
If Priest was an early, indistinct sign, this is where it becomes all too clear that something's happened with P-21.
For a time, things seemed to get better. The Stable Dweller and her friends did great things… got the skies fixed… cleaned the earth... but they didn’t get how bad things were out here. How terrible. Hoofington rose. The city woke up… and nothing could stop it.
So, ignoring outside knowledge that PH will probably end before Gardens activates, all this could still happen, especially if EC-1101 is lost. And it would be reckless to dismiss the possibility that Blackjack of all people is having a prophetic dream.
But those purple eyes widened in shock before they clenched shut. “Don’t look at me…” she rasped, low and heavy.
It's pretty common in this story for people to accept thing from others that they would despise coming from themselves. But the sudden reversal from Blackjack's shame and revulsion at her body to this is unusually so.
I can’t survive being with you, and I can’t live being without you, so I’m dead either way.
Sadly, the song does not match the mood here at all.
“I wish I’d never met you…” Glory rasped. “I wish you’d never saved me…”
This, of course, would be a confirmation of so many of Blackjack's worst fears, and a validation of her feelings of inadequacy not just with respect to Glory, but everything. Thankfully, the ultimate reversal of this happens at the beginning of the next chapter.
They sent hurricanes and tornadoes and terrible spells… but Hoofington had the megaspell facility… and with EC-1101 they got it working again.
I'm don't think that, at this point, Blackjack doesn't know what the S.P.P. was originally intended to do, or its capabilities, much less that it could be commandeered as Littlepip did. But with the influence of the stars, anything could happen.
Who could be the Overlord? Sanguine? Maybe… Steel Rain? That seemed more likely.
Partly it's obliviousness (especially after the marked failure to say what's happened to P-21), but, well, "Your faith in your friends is yours."
“Lacunae?” There was another purple alicorn standing by, staring. And another. And another and another.
How could she tell? Is it something she was wearing, or perhaps a characteristic stance, or is it simply dream logic?
“Give her a Hydra. Give her one right now,” Glory demanded.
I love how this has become shorthand for "This is serious fucking business."
I remembered how, weeks ago she’d gone on and on about how horrible Hydra was.
Blackjack's caught on, too.
I lifted a hoof… no… it didn’t feel like a hoof. I didn’t know what that appendage was, but everything about it moved… wrong.
The fact that she can't see what she looks like any more really helps this. That it's no longer focusing on the exact changes, but the more general sense of wrongness is big, and that might not have really worked if she still had sight.
“What happened to the Celestia? To the Rangers?”
I think it's great that this is the first (well, second, after telling Glory to stop administering Hydra) thing that Blackjack says upon waking up.
“Who gives a fuck what happened to them?” P-21 snarled. “They’re dead, or they should be! Every last one of them!” I winced at the anger in his voice, trembling and tight.
“I give a fuck, P-21,” I said as evenly as possible.
And here's the hate that's always boiled, if usually beneath the surface, of P-21, which underlines the plausibility of the dream. And the response—rebuke, really—works on a couple of levels, with the literal "Why do you think I was asking" playing second fiddle to the implied "I need to know how many more."
“P-21 got us out while you were getting shot at,” came the slightly distant voice of Capri. “We just did what any seapony should do…” she said softly.
To me, this is probably the happiest part of the outcome—at least on a personal level, rather than the more global level that so many of the communities of Hoofington were saved from destruction—of the late fight, just as their treatment last chapter was the most singularly, viscerally disgusting aspect of the Rangers' behavior.
Also, strong echoes of Blackjack's personality there, although of course it's far from true, as evidenced by their state before Blackjack's arrival.
We came down to get some sort of navigation thingy for the Orions. But this time, there were Rangers salvaging shells off the Luna. They had spear guns with tethers, and I got harpooned.
That's about the third mention of the Orions/Orion Brotherhood/Orion's Herd, a group of ghouls. I wonder if we'll ever really see them, and what connection they have to Orion the Immortal.
Said they were going to use a balefire shell.” A what?! What, had everypony discovered megaspells and balefire bombs and shoved them into everything they could?
All too realistic, actually. I was surprised to find that there were really nuclear battleship shells made (the W23), not because we would do it, but because I had expected that with the (admittedly very gradual) phasing out of battleships after WWII, nobody would bother.
Don’t do it, Glory… please… just let me go…
And that's why it's important to get DNRs or be careful about assigning medical power of attorney.
At least it was somepony familiar. I knew this buck well now. His stride. His horn. He felt older, though. Tired and a bit sore. He walked through the halls of Blueblood Manor with a slow and ponderous step.
So this is when we get the Vanity orb. Well, I can't say it doens't fit.
“The Skyguard ordered us to land before we could reach Canterlot. My little Rosette here is quite terrified.” He sighed, levitating a monocle as he looked down the hall at the barricade. “I fear that everything has gone quite wrong.”
That's quite an understatement.
On the screen– a color terminal? I guess it made sense for someone as rich and stuck up as Blueblood to have something like that
I guess it had never ocurred to me that the terminals would be black and white, or otherwise monochrome.
“We’re sealing the Redoubt. I’m sorry. Don’t come here, Vanity. Go die somewhere else.”
I feel bad for Vanity, and it's certainly the case that he (and the rest) likewise got the shaft, but it's striking just how different the tone of the message was for him as opposed to Blueblood.
“Rarity. It’s Vanity. I’d hoped to speak to you before now. Tell you what I wanted to say. It appears that our time is up, though. We’ve been betrayed… all of us. If you get this message… I’ve gone to Elysium. If you can meet me there, then I’ll tell you what I should have years ago.”
They both deserved a better farewell than this, but the exigencies of the situation . . .
“She was never yours, Blueblood. She was never anypony’s. She was far too precious for that.” Then he looked at the door. “Now, I suppose I must give some bad news,” he said with a soft sigh.
It's things like this that make me imagine how small changes might have made the difference. What if Vanity had been the eldest son? How might that have changed things? Perhaps he wouldn't have been so much better at the outset, but given how little Blueblood has learned, that may not be the case. Maybe he would have been worse himself, given his changed situation.
I recognized one of them: a gray pony with an elegant charcoal mane and a familiar instrument. Sadly, though, Vanity looked away from Octavia to the crowd below him.
Interesting. Of course the contrabass would survive, but I had assumed she was in Flankfurt from the beginning of the megaspell assaults. I guess she made her way back.
“I will remain here. Somepony must pay for this failure. I accept responsibility.”
Fancypants’s monocle popped from his eye, and he chuckled. “I say, but that’s the most rubbish I’ve heard in ages. And I’ve listened to your brother,” he said as he shook his head.
I wasn't expecting to laugh out loud this chapter, but you got me.
Vanity’s magic reached out to seize the nearest, largest object he could find: Octavia’s contrabass. The green light surrounded it as it slammed into the charging four like an immense club;
I believe the first use of Octavia's bass as a weapon, and one of the early demonstrations of the inviolability of soul jars, independent of FoE.
He levitated two dropped revolvers from the floor and began to carry out careful and deliberate headshots; faced with such opposition, most of the attackers retreated back to the kitchen.
Our introduction to Duty and Sacrifice. Of the many aptly named weapons in the story, I think that they are the ones I'm most attached to.
“Do you have anywhere safe to go?” he asked as Fancypants and his filly walked to the door, the elderly unicorn lifting a dropped sledgehammer.
Ah, Fancy Pants.
Then he looked over as the door to the nursery opened and a terrified blue eye peeked out. Their gaze met for one second, and then he looked at the mob. “You will not pass!” He yelled as his magic reached out for every dropped firearm and wrapped it in his green glow.
I had forgotten this (the line, not the grabbing all the guns); with it, and Lacunae's much later, we're up to two of them.
Then a glowing sword swept through the throat of one of the attackers as Blueblood calmly trotted forward to stand beside him. “Touch my collection, will you? Trample your mud all over my home, you filthy peasants! Get my coat all dirty?!”
In a way, it's nice that even though Blueblood is pretty awful throughout the story, he gets a moment to shine. I guess, though, that that is a matter of perspective. But it seems to me that, right now, he's in the right. Not on the basis of the dirt and mud, true, but standing up to a murderous mob seems pretty okay in my book.
A sharp pain tore through his belly as a foot of steel buried itself in his gut. Vanity fell to his side, hooves hugging the wound as he stared up at the bloody sword floating beside his sibling. “You should have kept your hooves off her, Brother. Rarity was supposed to be mine. She was supposed to marry me.” He swung the blade and wiped off the blood as he trotted back down the hall.
Aaaaaaannnd it's over.
“Any pain… any injury… any indignity… is a small price paid in the defense of an innocent. Remember that,” he said with that shaky smile.
Man, Vanity's great. Also, this highlights just how well matched he and Rarity are.
“Now, close the door and don’t worry about me. I think I’ll retire to my room. I have a very sternly worded letter I need to write.”
The letter, of course, holds up as well now as when we first saw it. I'm afraid I don't remember the rest of the orbs or the surrounding details that well, but I believe I had originally assumed they were for Rarity; I now wonder if the promise he made was to Pinky Pie.
I know the mistakes you made… your many regrets… and I will take them all with me into the everafter.
I wonder how much Vanity knew about Eternity.
“I am to die. Let me say that. Let me begin with that. Then let me say that, had things been different we could have been the greatest of lovers. If you were not a Ministry Mare and I not a prince, we could have had a better life. A life that you deserved. I know the mistakes you made… your many regrets… and I will take them all with me into the everafter.”
. . .
“Goodbye, Rarity. I pray we meet again… in better… lives…”
Yeah, this seems about like what I was thinking of earlier, when I said they deserved a better farewell. Beautiful.
I felt a leg under my… and I heard her scream a little and jerk away. I shivered as I pulled back. She gasped and sobbed as she shuffled away from me. I simply lay there before saying quietly, “I’m sorry, Scotch. I’m not a monster. I’m not… even if I look like one.”
Sad, but it had to happen sometime, and frankly I was expecting it to come sooner.
“Glory. I’m going to die,” I repeated, and I was amazed at how calm I felt. It wasn’t that I wanted to die. There were so many things I wanted to do that I’d never get to do… but that was the way of things. You got your life until you didn’t any more.
And it's parts like this that complete the character arc, or this aspect of it, in this chapter. And it's such a simple ending, but a good one, before it begins again in a new form in the next.
Maybe it had been a nightmare… or maybe something else… but I remembered a row of purple eyes weeping along a gray neck.
Who can say, but I like to imagine that even absent the dream she'd make the same request.
“I can’t… I can’t just do nothing. I can’t…” she whispered in my ear. “I love you too much… I wanted to do… to do so much with you.” She sniffed as she shook. “Don’t tell me to do nothing and watch you die.”
“Well, you could just dump me in the river. One more piece of junk in the water; who’d notice?” I said with a little smile.
She gave a curious little hiccup before muttering, “You’re unbelievable, you know that?” She kissed softly right beneath my horn. “I won’t just… give up. You never gave up on me… on any of us. You always came for us. Please… let us try and find some way… any way… to take care of you.”
It's nice to have a reminder that, for all their troubles, the Glory of the dream was probably in large part a projection of Blackjack's own insecurities and guilt.
“Hey. The only thing that sucks about not having eyes is that I can’t see you,” I said as I nuzzled her back. And that I couldn’t see my enemies. And that I couldn’t shoot anything.
Except a battleship.
“Actually, there is no scientific evidence for the existence of–“ Glory added.
You've just been reading the wrong books and files. It's an easy mistake to make.
“You should accept the certainty that eventually she will die. Even if she were turned into a ghoul or alicorn, nothing lasts forever. We are born, we live, we wear out, and we expire. Our souls move into the everafter, to be reborn or to find another life. That is the natural order of things. When that order is violated, a mistake is created that must inevitably be undone at great cost and sacrifice. That is what makes life precious. Life persisting simply because it is alive is a fool’s game bereft of meaning. Souls matter infinitely more.” Lacunae said in a gentle, if somewhat lecturing tone.
Obviously the continuity is different, but is the functioning of souls (roughly) the same in PH and Ask Requiem?
But I can’t hate her, either. I can’t leave her. So I follow her around as she rips herself apart for ponies who are no better than meat, wondering what the hell all of it is for!”
. . .
I just want to help her so she can keep helping others. Because I can’t…”
That seems like there's some cognitive dissonance going on, even in the narrow matter of whether it's worthwhile to help people. I suppose the latter case could be directed more at the better people, but then you'd think that the same might apply to the former set, at least in part. What's more, his attitude towards the "meat" is in contradiction to whatever it is he feels regarding Blackjack, because she's a demonstration that one can change.
On the fourteenth floor, nurses were scurrying about. Foals were crying. Bedlam reigned. Somepony mentioned the weather monitoring station to the north. No matter.
Nice callback to the people at the weather station where they found Glory.
Lacunae gave a delicate cough.
“Except for Paladin Studmuffin, provided he’s still alive.” Rampage added.
I really hope we get to see Psalm and Stronghooves meet at some point.
We’re tied up to the bridge, so short of it falling on us, we should be safe.
Right, because structures collapsing has never been a problem for Blackjack before.
With luck, I’d wake to some horrible monster raping my ass or find out they went through with Plan A after all.
. . . Yeah.
I'm loving the RPG playing. Applesnack's pretty funny, and there are shades of Rampage in Twist's dialog.
“She wants to save people, same as any decent pony should,” Big Macintosh said around the grass stalk between his lips.
Note the "people."
“If you’re interested in the not so decent kind…” Now it was Maripony’s turn to blush.
“...We can do that later,” she stammered. Ugh… please let this not turn into another marathon sex orb! I couldn’t take another one of those. Not that sex with Rarity hadn’t been spectacular, but… damn… why was I thinking this?
Packed a couple good pieces of humor in there really quick. Nice. Also, I guess this means that even when it's not happening at the time, she likes sex as a stallion. Which doesn't come as any kind of huge surprise.
She mentioned how Goldenblood should have kept her in the loop. And the meetings. A meeting to plan meetings! Endless talk about projects and programs and spells.
Not to sound too cynical, but doesn't a meeting to plan meetings sound like something Twilight would force on others, not have forced on her?
“You need to go back to your game, sailor,” Big Macintosh said firmly. “Everypony’s having a nice time. Don’t need to spoil it.”
The tan unicorn scowled up at Big Macintosh. “You listen here. You come all the way to our pool hall, the least you can do is let us enjoy the company of your marefriend. And in case you didn’t notice, there’s four of us and only one of you.”
I believe I have identified where this unicorn has made a mistake.
“I’ll chalk that up to y’all bein’ drunk,” the red pony said evenly. Eyes glaring, the brown unicorn picked himself up, lifted a chair, and sent it flying at Macintosh. The crimson buck knocked it away with his hoof. “And that to ya’ll bein’ stupid. Ya don’t get a third.”
Macintosh is handling himself very well here, and the quips are pretty good.
I’d never felt that kind of strength before as his body lunged and launched half the ponies into the air in rolling arcs. A kick behind him knocked a half dozen flying. Now that powerful frame was all action as he battered the sailor ponies like a force of nature. No. I take that back; there was nothing excessive in his force. For all his strength, he kept his kicks, shoves, and bites controlled and precise. I marveled at the focus and the care he took in preventing severe injury to the sailors.
Interesting to develop Macintosh this way, and moreover this serves as an illustration of what Blackjack wishes she could accomplish.
Her flash coincided with the rumble in the clouds overhead. He got three steps before the hard Hoofington rain began to fall and six before his rump hit the ground and he turned his face to the sky, hot tears mixing with cold rain as he showed his own broken heart.
The end of this scene, after the brawl, really is depressing, but it helps that he's sincere about why he breaks it off there, even though that hurts, too.
“She’s the mare what nicked me in the museum!” one shouted.
Oh, this was going to suck…
I forgot that he was there. Also, yes.
“Toss this, motherfuckers,” P-21 said. Then there was a dull thud and the most curious sensation… I couldn’t move at all.
It's appropriate, of course, that he's the one to rescue her here. That was also worked in well later on, with some great character development scenes between the two.
Moreover, though, there's the fact that Scotch may now understand the Sin of Stable 99.
“I know… but I forgive them…” I rasped softly. “I… hurt them too… I… understand now…”
What she meant to be her last gift to the Wasteland. Squandered, true, by at least one, but not all. And her lack of sight is again used to great effect, in allowing them to remain partially anonymous.
“They aren’t worth your forgiveness!” P-21 erupted. “They’re raping, murdering meat! They’re scum! They’re filth! They need to be wiped out! They need to be killed as slowly as they… they hurt you! How can you spare them?! They killed Tarboots! They almost killed Oilcan. They were going to kill you. And Scotch…” He paused. “Where is she?” he asked in a rush.
I'm almost anticipating a "Was I so different?" response. After dealing with the important business of Scotch, of course.
Unfortunately, there was no recovering from a case of death. There was only one thing to do.
“Get some rope… and make sure that knife is sharp,” I said quietly.
Beautifully understated.
Blackjack's joking to keep herself and everyone else together was . . . nice. That whole scene was emotionally draining, but that was a good touch. Also, note that quite likely Blackjack survives because she wanted her friends all together with her.
“Has what hit me yet?” I asked with a confused smile. But I knew what… I was just pretending. And he knew I was pretending. “It’s not a big deal…” But it was a big deal. “It doesn’t hurt that bad.” It hurt really bad. I started to shake. But I couldn’t fall apart… not now. Yet I couldn’t stop. “I had to do it. I had to.” But that didn’t change a thing. I could pretend with Scotch and Glory. I could smile and act like what had happened to me didn’t bother me a bit.
But not with him. Because he understood.
The failing facade works really well here. And she now understands him better than she ever could have before. But no matter what, that she was on the other side is something that she can never really put behind her, not entirely.
It was nice to sleep without dreams. It was what I imagined dying to be like. Nothing bad… good… or otherwise.
Not to be too glib right now, but yeah, with her dreams, I bet she'd like that.
“I give a gift to end suffering. You spurned that gift,” she purred in my ear. “Take your own damned life.”
I loved this the first time around, and I still do. The Angel is one of the more mysterious of the people living in Rampage, since her head tends to be blown off before she has a chance to talk much, so every bit of live characterization is welcome.
The entire last section, starting from after the Angel leaves, is beautiful. It's achieved differently than much that's done in this story is, in that it's not vivid or highly detailed, or packed with dynamism and energy, but extremely simple and restrained, which draws the focus onto the few elements that really matter: those precious few words, the warmth of the sun, the beating of her heart, and the call of the stars. (Also, the handling of the passage of time was done very nicely.)
And it really is heartbreaking. There's a certain comfort, true, that apart from her new brokenness, she had at last reached a state where she neither sought death nor particularly dreaded it (there was the bit with the Angel, but that was motivated by her desire to cut off a plan she was told she wouldn't like, not one to die in the abstract). But there's still the sense of loss and the pain her friends will feel, and of course the fact that even then she had much she wished she could have done with them.
And so she returns home to the stars, but only for a visit.
- Chapter Thirty Three Overall Thoughts:
- This chapter is hard to talk about. A huge portion of it is passed in dreams and memory orbs, so it probably makes sense to start by breaking it down that way.
The Overlord dream was chilling frightening, in that it essentially raised the plot-level question of whether all that Blackjack went through would even end up making a difference. On a more personal level, it showcased some of her fears regarding her friends, but also more generally: with her gone, what will P-21 do with his hatred of the world and so many of the people in it? Will Glory come to hate her for the pain she's been put through? Was she right to do as she did in the time since she left the stable? Not all of this is immediately answered, but within we do see one thing: given the chance, she'd largely live her life the same way. Even without the dream, I expect Blackjack would have pushed against going to Sanguine, but I wonder if Glory's role in the dream may have influenced her sparing the four aboard the Seahorse.
The Vanity orb had some great features. For one brief moment in the middle, Blueblood was in the spotlight and looking good-ish. Fancy Pants, the Fleur, and the founding of the Society were established. Likewise, a tender moment was woven into the plot by having Octavia give one last performance, enabling a showcase of the indestructability of soul jars. Vanity himself was glorious, noble and indeed heroic to the end. His final goodbye to Rarity was heartfelt and bittersweet, and his final acts show how well he matched her.
Now, I'd also note that this orb seems to be somewhat similar in structure to the rape on the Seahorse, with some beats switched around. You have the attack by a group which has grievances of questionable merit. They are fought by the viewpoint character to protect children. The viewpoint character is saved by an ally (Blueblood, P-21). The character is betrayed (Blueblood, either Glory or the Angel, or both, depending on how you look at it). The character responds to the events, Vanity with righteous indignation directed at Goldenblood and the O.I.A., Blackjack with forgiveness of her attackers. The character slowly dies while making a final communion with their love, in Vanity's case making the orb and saying his last goodbye.
The Big Macintosh orb started out so simply, so happily, but ended in dejection. It revolved around first the pain caused by Twilight's secrecy and deception, and the need for it. It ended with the pain of doing the right thing. The harsh reality of the no-win situation. I thought that bringing back Twilight's difficulty with pool in the botched teleportation (“Oh… my… that went differently in my head.”) to help Mac in the brawl was a nice touch.
The Psalm dream was informative, showing that the goal of her mission was to keep the rule of Equestria, and implicitly EC-1101, from passing to anyone besides Luna. Otherwise, I think it was a little out of place since all the others focused on endings: what happens after Blackjack is gone, the end of Vanity's life, and the (or at least the apparent) end of Twilight and Big Macintosh's romance.
The big controversy of the chapter, of course, was the attack and rape aboard the Seahorse. From a simple blood-and-gore perspective, it wasn't particularly an outlier for the story, but as an emotional trigger the solution used was probably about as good as you could do. It's simply not something that can be excised without severely hurting Blackjack's development and her relationship with P-21 and, to a lesser extent, Scotch Tape. I hope that it's kept in the normal flow of text once a printing is made.
Within the story itself, it was Blackjack's last sacrifice, and forgiving and sparing her assailants her last gift before dying (though there was the point that she can't really forgive them for killing Tarboots and nearly Oilcan). The trauma at last allows her to empathize with P-21, and the understanding of what she had done will be important going forward as well. But perhaps most important was the wish she made, after the initial shock had worn off and the realization of what had happened sank in, that, if she did live to see them or others like them in the future, she would still be capable of forgiveness.
Also, not having an actual crucifiction involved was a good choice.
Scotch Tape was also big this chapter, pushing for answers regarding her relationship with P-21, the continued insistence she's not a child (but needing Blackjack to tell her what to do in the crisis), and seeing what happened to Blackjack and connecting that to Stable 99 all played well.
The ending was wonderful. I think the main thing to be said about it is how little you'd recognize Blackjack then compared to the start of chapter one. And for all that's happened, she seems much more satisfied, content, here than she did at the beginning.
I think that the level up area note of "Game over" is a little odd, since even though she's certainly died, it's not over.
- Other Chapter Editing Matters, Principally Concerning Dogs:
Okay. Single layer of spoiler, separated between "other" and main chapter, broken down by chapter within "other," and spoilers labeled uniquely. Hopefully that's everything.
8:
“ Are you sayin' my mouth is makin' promises my legs can't keep?”
There's a space between the quotation mark and "are," and the apostrophes aren't the directional ones you normally use.
Documentation - Dogs:
Sand dogs, hellhounds: "Sand dog" is generally capitalized, which doesn't match pony, griffin, zebra, dragon, etc., or "hellhound" apart from chapter 58. But it does match "diamond dog," which is sometimes capitalized. I don't know what you want to do with them, but I think it makes the most sense to bring them in line with the other species, and generally lower case. I'll bold the ones that I would change, but leave the others, too, in plain text.
15:
Big Macintosh chuckled. “Sand dogs.”
“Sand Dogs?” Big Macintosh walked to the
"Sand Dog"
“Well, they used to call themselves diamond dogs.
"Diamond Dog"
18:
That one looked more like a sand dog from Maripony’s memory.
"Sand Dog"
20:
“Well, then, maybe you should see if you can get Sanguine to fuse some Sand Dog into you, or get some mechanical limbs.
"Sand Dog"
21:
“The Sand Dogs,” the elder unicorn answered.
But Perch said that if we could deal with the Sand Dogs, it’d open up the underground tunnels for salvaging
“And we also know that Perch was right; these sand dogs are sitting
I’d seen the Sand Dogs in Maripony’s memory and in the pictures, but I had to admit that there was something distinctly
Help Riverside out by clearing out raiders and Sand Dogs.
Slowly the combatants released each other and I got a better look at these Sand Dogs.
I saw one Sand Dog take the ruby flakes from the table and brush them into a little port on their limb; instantly, the lights on the arm glowed brighter.
Back in Riverside, I approached the dozen or so ponies about the Sand Dogs coming to trade.
"Sand Dog"
us go there! Pony tell Dogs shut up! And always pony
"Dog"
21:
(Starred appear in newspaper, so may change based on that)
*Diamond Dogs to be moved to appointed land outside Appleloosa.’
* Diamond Dogs to be moved to appointed land outside Appleloosa.’
*inhabitants, beings known collectively as ‘Diamond Dogs’.
*Twilight Sparkle said that she sympathizes with the Diamond Dogs,
*She assures the Diamond Dogs that a new community for the Diamond Dogs will be founded elsewhere in Equestria.
*Millitary units supervised the relocation of the Diamond Dogs from Pleasant Valley this week to a temporary holding camp near Appleloosa.
* to ensure that the Diamond Dog removal went smoothly.
*Despite their apparent submission, several Diamond Dogs made a futile
*pointed out that Diamond Dogs, being non-citizens of Equestria, are not protected under law.
*lacks sufficient clean food and water for the Diamond Dog population
*‘Hoofington -- Goldenblood to welcome Diamond Dog workers for Reconstruction’
*for several of the strange Diamond Dog beings to be permitted to aid in reconstruction
*Diamond Dogs possess a capability to dig that
*Employing Diamond Dogs is the difference between having Hoofington completed in three years or thirty.’
unless Diamond Dog colts were in the habit of wearing dirty dresses…
"Diamond Dog"
22:
I try and help the Sand Dogs and wipe out Riverside.
I thought of Brimstone’s Fall, Flank, Blueblood Manor, even the Sand Dogs’ lair.
"Sand Dog"
23:
And another of Riverside, where a caravan of merchants was trading with the fishers and the Sand Dogs at the same time.
"Sand Dog"
“We fused ponies with cockatrices… ponies with diamond dogs…
of us in Ponyville and my biggest problems were diamond dogs kidnapping Rarity.”
"Diamond Dog"
26:
She lifted the book up in her mouth, showing us a robotic sand dog-esque monster that appeared more machine than meat.
The Sand Dogs had nearly attacked us a second time before they caught sight of Lacunae.
All the Sand Dogs were doing far better with gems powering their mechanical parts.
I glanced over at Rover, wondering what good a memory orb would do a Sand Dog.
“Sand Dogs dig. Sand Dogs help make,” Rover muttered as he pulled out an old wooden box
The Sand Dogs didn’t strike me as the most engineering-inclined people.
"Sand Dog"
Ponies should not go in tunnels. Tunnels is Dogs’ home.
Ponies think of things to make, but Dogs make them.
He try to make Dog town new home, but pony city is not dog home.
Even Golden pony used Dogs.”
“Pony is using Dogs now too. Pony wants information from Dogs, tunnels only Dogs know.”
Day after pony come, Dogs go to village with scrap and salvage. Village not trust Dogs, Dogs not trust ponies.
“Fifi ask we save them, so pony not thank Dog for it!”
"Dog"
28:
Cables snaked all over the place, and I spotted several pieces of what looked like Sand Dog bionics.
are virtually the patron saint of Chapel, brought together Sand Dogs and ponies in mutual
"Sand Dog"
Then images of diamond dogs getting their limbs replaced filled the air.
"diamond dog"
34:
I slowly turned and looked up at the cybernetic Sand Dog, Rover.
“An alicorn, a sand dog, and a cyberzony’s severed head.
"Sand Dog"
35:
There were huge vats full of it in Maripony, and the diamond dog warrens underneath Pleasant Valley
"diamond dog"
38:
Chems had saved my life more than once and saved her eyes in the sand dog tunnels.
"Sand Dog"
39:
“To diamond dogs, to buffalo, to dragons… griffins… minotaurs…
Unicorn craft, dragon fire, pegasus flight, earth pony mudloving, diamond dog digging, and so on.
"diamond dog"
44:
His eyes glanced back to the paper once more. “Diamond Dog relocation.”
“But… I’ll see if I can do something for these… erm… Diamond Dogs, are they?
"Diamond Dog"
49:
teleporting into the midst of the Sand Dogs’ home.
The Sand Dogs were doing better than I imagined.
but I gathered that that was more because the Sand Dogs preferred it that way.
That left me alone with the old Sand Dog as he attached a new foreleg to my stump.
I pay attention and make sure when other Sand Dog fixed, I do the fixing.
“Gnarr is hellhound and guest of Sand Dogs.”
“Security Pony help Sand Dogs. Dogs hope Security could help hounds too,”
The pair met me outside, the hellhound looming over the other Sand Dogs.
"Sand Dog"
“But… I’ll see if I can do something for these… erm… Diamond Dogs, are they?
"Diamond Dog"
“Dog bet Hound half a brahmin Pony is back in two days.”
"Hound", "Pony" shouldn't be capitalized.
Dog not get taught this trick. Dogs get first metal parts.
Only one space after the first period.
53:
levitating my severed forelimb and cupping her own chin in imitation of the Sand Dog.
"Sand Dog"
is good, but Dog not work miracles.”
If Pony insists on doing things that ruins Dog’s hard work, Dog will simply make her tougher ("Pony" shouldn't be capitalized, also)
"Dog"
“Dog think Pony has problem,” Rover said calmly as the old canine cupped his chin and narrowed his filmy eye.
“Dog not know why Pony not able to use.
"Pony" shouldn't be capitalized.
54:
“Hellhounds and Sand Dogs aren’t even close to each other.
"Sand Dog"
58:
I’d warn the Hellhounds and tell them to clear out in return for planting it right under your
could evade even the Hellhounds beneath Maripony!
No doubt dozens, perhaps hundreds would die to the Hellhounds.
Between Enclave and Hellhounds, LittlePip had killed thousands with this bomb! Granted that Hellhounds and Enclave weren’t
Something better. Warned the Hellhounds! Evacuated the
into the resilient armored hide of the Hellhounds coming up the hill.
“Pony die!” roared a Hellhound behind me, raising his arm to strike.
If you are Blackjack, but really, how many other ponies would be dumb enough to fight Hellhounds alone?
"Hellhounds" shouldn't be capitalized, based on other uses.
- Chapter Thirty Three Editing Matters:
- screams of metal were mixed
There should only be one space after "metal."
Steel Rain would never get the Celestia to fire another shot.
"Celestia" should be italicized.
and hammered into my head. Now I was pushed
There should only be two spaces after the period.
Disemboweling was worse….
Ellipsis needs only three dots.
I felt as if I was drifting away.
I think that the "was" should be "were."
“Yes!” I cheered and pumped a hoof
There should only be one space after the quotation.
He looked at me as if he was staring at a ghost,
Looks like past subjunctive "were" might be preferable to "was."
“How… How long…?” I murmured in shock.
Either second space after first ellipsis, or no capitalization of second "how."
“Fifteen… Weeks?”
Again, but probably leaning towards the non-capitalization route.
“Scotch!” I shouted happily as I raced up towards
There should be only one space after the quotation.
“Glory…” her eyes turned to the
"Her" should be capitalized.
too much to say anymore and simply hugged her
"any more"
Then there were zebras. Griffins. Sand Dogs. All together around
Earth ponies, unicorns, ghouls, sand dogs, and others.
“Stun grenade, courtesy of the Sand Dogs.”
I don't know how you'd want to deal with "sand dogs," from a capitalization perspective (probably capitalized, since that's how you handle the large majority overall). But these don't match, and the context is the same.
“Give her a Hydra. Give her one right now
Only one space after period.
I remembered how, weeks ago she’d gone on and on about how horrible Hydra was.
Comma after "ago," or, possibly, the existing comma could be removed, instead.
But this time, there were Rangers salvaging shells off the Luna.
"Luna" should be italicized.
and P-21 begin to argue… Don’t do it, Glory
Should have second space after ellipsis.
“A fine story, Harpica. Keep them
Only one space after the period.
“I’m sorry, Fancypants. I’m going to look into that
Therefore, I propose that you utilize Fancypants’s airship to relocate to the Elysium Resort.
Fancypants’s monocle popped from his eye, and he chuckled.
he asked as Fancypants and his filly walked to the door
Vanity turned away and raced to join Fancypants.
Fancypants and Vanity reached the upstairs hall where a line of sandbags and furniture still formed a barricade.
In chapters 56 through 59, "Fancypants" is spelled as two words. Which do you want to go with?
screen– a color terminal? I guess it made sense for someone as rich and stuck up as Blueblood to have something like that –was a ruby
Symmetrical spacing about dashes.
“You dare-“
Second hyphen for dash.
live until it was safe to return and rebuild Equestria. You gave generously
Only one space after the period.
“You will not pass!” He yelled as his magic
"He" should not be capitalized.
It was already starting to snow as he drew out a piece of stationary and began to carefully write,
"Stationery"
slow breath as he started to shake, his body growing chill. “I am to
Only one space after the period.
and now what does it all matter? I am dying…
Should have second space after question mark.
“Glory!” I rasped again, my chest clenching in pain as if I were trying to expel my own lungs.
Should have only one space after the quotation.
“No!” She snapped.
"She" shouldn't be capitalized.
And it’ll hurt like hell… but if you asked me to… I wouldn’t do it.
Should "it'll" be "it'd"?
I nuzzled her back. And that I couldn’t see my
Only one space after the period.
You said yourself its only a matter of days before gangrene sets in.
"it's"
only by the rain drumming overhead. “Glory, you said it
There are worse things than dying, P-21. All of you know that better than anypony,
Only one space after the period.
Don’t you act like you know what I feel, you freak!” P-21 shouted.
Should have only one space after the quotation.
No one but Blackjack.”
Paragraph shouldn't end with a quotation mark.
with pouches of high strength RadAway. I pulled off the rebreather
Only one space after the period.
“Do either of you have experience with explosives?” I asked as I looked at the pair of Steel
“How did you learn of the zebra assassination attempt?” Fairheart asked, and then that question
Should have only one space after the quotation.
The sooner you get there the sooner you get back.”
Paragraph should not end with quotation mark.
“Except for Paladin Studmuffin, provided he’s still alive.” Rampage added.
Period in quotation should be comma.
“Right… Okay.
Either second space after ellipsis or don't capitalize "okay."
“But miss Glory…”
I think "miss" should be capitalized, as it's being used as part of her name.
I just hoped that, once I was dead my friends could find some way to move on.
I think that there should either be commas on both sides of "once I was dead," or neither.
should be interesting... Just hold it to my horn.”
Either second space after ellipsis, or don't capitalize "just."
But if I didn’t, then she would be sad…. Arrrgh!
Ellipsis should only have three dots, needs second space after ellipsis or don't capitalize "arrrgh."
It ended in tears, recrimination and loads of Blackjack guilt!
Serial comma needed after "recrimination."
He trotted through the Miramare Air station with an easy smile and saw it respectfully returned from the ponies stationed there.
"Station" should be capitalized.
He walked up to an open door and peeked in on half the marauders clustered around a table.
"Marauders" should be capitalized.
“So, If that’s what makes her happy, then that’s what I’ll do.”
"If" shouldn't be capitalized.
They clattered across the table and came up 1’s.
Should the 1 be in single quotation marks, as a literal of what was written on the die face? If it's just relaying the idea, it might work better as "ones."
Cause that’s just how anypony would want to spend the rest of his life:
Apostrophe before the "c" in "cause."
Shadowbolt tower loomed above all the rest,
"Tower" should be capitalized.
Twilight teleported me here. Told me to have
Only one space after the period.
Big Macintosh received a case by case analysis of just what was
I think "case by case" should be hyphenated.
Horizon labs was just a big, dark, glassy block.
"Labs" should be capitalized.
“Mari? Is there something you need to tell me?” He asked with a worried look.
"He" shouldn't be capitalized.
“Lets just have a great night together.
"Let's"
“Everypony’s having a nice time. Don’t need to spoil
Only one space after the period.
The tan unicorn scowled up at Big Macintosh.
Every other time he's mentioned by color he's brown.
“They’ll be right sorry in the morning, but I’m more worried about dealing with them right now.
Sentence should end with a closing quotation mark.
“He’s a sergeant! He’s a soldier!” Maripony yelled,
Should have only one space after quotation.
The unicorn was struck with such force that be bounced like a ball filled with crunchy twigs.
"Be" should be "he."
“She thought you’d cut me… with how we were acting and everything.” Twilight said as she turned
Period should be comma, there should only be one space after the quotation.
“No… no no… mister Tarboots.”
I believe "mister" should be capitalized.
“Holy shit, is that… that’s the Security Mare?” One said
“Let’s stop her flopping around once and for all!” One cheered,
"One" shoudn't be capitalized. Unless she's calling one of them "One," like how she'll identify people by their weapons.
I couldn’t do anything…. But I could take it.
Ellipsis needs only three dots, should have another space after ellipsis or "but" shouldn't be capitalized.
“Do it! Do it!” They began to cheer.
If the "Do it!" is the cheer, the quotation should be followed by only one space and "they" shouldn't be capitalized; otherwise, fine as-is.
and her horn touched my
There should only be one space after "horn."
“Shh… lay… lay still…” Lacunae stammered in my mind. “I… I will try and find your horn. Perhaps it can be reattached…”
"Lay" should be "lie."
We won’t let them get away with this.” Lacunae swore
Period should be comma.
“Why…” One of my attackers rasped.
"One" should not be capitalized.
And I… don’t want…. My friends… to… kill.
Second ellipsis should have only three dots, and "my" shouldn't be capitalized.
“I don’t.” I admitted.
Period in quotation should be comma.
the feeling of them being withdrawn nearly stopped my heart. Oilcan was injured
Only one space after the period.
when Glory arrived with the Captain and Seabiscuit, the shit hit the fan again.
"Captain" shouldn't be capitalized.
Apparently there were quite a few ponies coming and going all at once.. A little bit later,
There should only be one period.
“No no, closer.” I whispered
Period should be comma, quotation should be followed by only one space.
seen the kind of mess you can really make, remember?” He said with a soft
"He" shouldn't be capitalized.
“Blargh.” I muttered
Period should be comma.
Goddesses, I had… he stroked my mane some more.
"He" should be capitalized, or there should only be one space before it.
Icy Shake- Alicorn
- Posts : 1209
Brohoof! : 308
Join date : 2012-06-05
Age : 35
Location : Boston, MA
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Dec 02, 2013 4:00 am
Ah, thank you very much as always.Icy Shake wrote:Holidays . . . It's not that I'm ungrateful, but they can be a drain on anyone, and I suspect they're worse on introverts.
Anyway, made it through the big number thirty three today. It's hard to believe its second anniversary is coming up in a couple months.
- Chapter Thirty Three Running Thoughts:
This reminds me somewhat of Rarity in "Simply Rarity," in that she, to a great extent, defined herself and her life by what she could give to others, though more particularly to Sweetie Belle.
The impact pushed me down deeper and deeper, the cold depths squeezing me as my injuries burned in the salty water. My braces were now weights taped to the ends of my limbs, my tattered barding pulling me down.
The contrast in the first sentence is simple, but I like it. Likewise the sense of entrapment in the second sentence.
This was probably where I was going to die…
But not yet.
However, this makes a wonderful first half for the bookending of the chapter.
Then my head broke through into a pocket of air, and I gasped as the groans and screams of metal were mixed with those of ponies.
Especially with the importance of screaming last chapter (in particular, but generally as well), I feel like this worked very well.
Now I was pushed against the wreck as it started moving in the direction opposite of floating.
So . . . sinking? The oxygen deprivation must be getting to her.
“Yes!” I cheered and pumped a hoof… a white smooth hoof that neither flopped about nor bulged with growths! And no PipBuck…
I was alive. Whole! Complete and intact and for the first time in weeks feeling healthy and alive. How long since I’d had this kind of energy?
It's understandable but a little surprising how little reaction there is to the missing PipBuck, given how important EC-1101 has been to her for the last several weeks.
I saw a little red button in the wall that read ‘release’ and hit it.
Well, it's not a big red button, but sometimes you have to make do.
He lay down on the ground, one golden eye looking up at me. His lips moved silently, then he closed them. He took one breath and let it out forever…
Beyond the confusion of the situation (in the dystopian-er future dream), this pathetic vision of Priest helps set the tone even before much else is shown.
No. This was wrong. This was very very wrong! I needed guns, barding, and my friends beside me now! I shoved the desk away and threw open the doors.
Of course she's a mare of action, but implicit within this is that, even after everything, even now that it looks like she's no longer doomed to die in the near term, she instinctively goes back to the old life, that yes, given the chance, she'd do it all again, even knowing the pain and the fear and the heartache that accompanies that life.
The clouds were gone, but so was the sky beyond. From horizon to horizon, a solid wall of baleful green illuminated the skies in an oppressive monochrome. The Core was awash in green light, the center of the green nimbus that spread over everything. Shadowbolt Tower rose like a dagger pointed at the heavens, and the land around the island was lit with thousands of fires. That droning buzz rolled on and on as if the city itself hummed.
Fearful description, and one that seems reminiscent of Mordor during the War of the Ring, though with Barad-dur and Mount Doom overlapping.
And it just continues from there.
And then Rampage spoke. “Shh… baby finally finished crying… but she’s sleeping nice and peaceful now…”
Of course, Blackjack never really gets to the point of earnestly agreeing with Rampage's desire to die/help her do so, but I think that this might be an important turning point where she can really understand what it is Rampage fears in her eternal, invincible life.
I saw her pregnant, distended belly as she stared at me like I were a ghost. Then I slowed. In place of a cutie mark, I saw slashed scars… and the word ‘BREEDER’ carved into her rump. There were nine marks under that violation, three pink and six blue.
If Priest was an early, indistinct sign, this is where it becomes all too clear that something's happened with P-21.
For a time, things seemed to get better. The Stable Dweller and her friends did great things… got the skies fixed… cleaned the earth... but they didn’t get how bad things were out here. How terrible. Hoofington rose. The city woke up… and nothing could stop it.
So, ignoring outside knowledge that PH will probably end before Gardens activates, all this could still happen, especially if EC-1101 is lost. And it would be reckless to dismiss the possibility that Blackjack of all people is having a prophetic dream.
But those purple eyes widened in shock before they clenched shut. “Don’t look at me…” she rasped, low and heavy.
It's pretty common in this story for people to accept thing from others that they would despise coming from themselves. But the sudden reversal from Blackjack's shame and revulsion at her body to this is unusually so.
I can’t survive being with you, and I can’t live being without you, so I’m dead either way.
Sadly, the song does not match the mood here at all.
“I wish I’d never met you…” Glory rasped. “I wish you’d never saved me…”
This, of course, would be a confirmation of so many of Blackjack's worst fears, and a validation of her feelings of inadequacy not just with respect to Glory, but everything. Thankfully, the ultimate reversal of this happens at the beginning of the next chapter.
They sent hurricanes and tornadoes and terrible spells… but Hoofington had the megaspell facility… and with EC-1101 they got it working again.
I'm don't think that, at this point, Blackjack doesn't know what the S.P.P. was originally intended to do, or its capabilities, much less that it could be commandeered as Littlepip did. But with the influence of the stars, anything could happen.
Who could be the Overlord? Sanguine? Maybe… Steel Rain? That seemed more likely.
Partly it's obliviousness (especially after the marked failure to say what's happened to P-21), but, well, "Your faith in your friends is yours."
“Lacunae?” There was another purple alicorn standing by, staring. And another. And another and another.
How could she tell? Is it something she was wearing, or perhaps a characteristic stance, or is it simply dream logic?
“Give her a Hydra. Give her one right now,” Glory demanded.
I love how this has become shorthand for "This is serious fucking business."
I remembered how, weeks ago she’d gone on and on about how horrible Hydra was.
Blackjack's caught on, too.
I lifted a hoof… no… it didn’t feel like a hoof. I didn’t know what that appendage was, but everything about it moved… wrong.
The fact that she can't see what she looks like any more really helps this. That it's no longer focusing on the exact changes, but the more general sense of wrongness is big, and that might not have really worked if she still had sight.
“What happened to the Celestia? To the Rangers?”
I think it's great that this is the first (well, second, after telling Glory to stop administering Hydra) thing that Blackjack says upon waking up.
“Who gives a fuck what happened to them?” P-21 snarled. “They’re dead, or they should be! Every last one of them!” I winced at the anger in his voice, trembling and tight.
“I give a fuck, P-21,” I said as evenly as possible.
And here's the hate that's always boiled, if usually beneath the surface, of P-21, which underlines the plausibility of the dream. And the response—rebuke, really—works on a couple of levels, with the literal "Why do you think I was asking" playing second fiddle to the implied "I need to know how many more."
“P-21 got us out while you were getting shot at,” came the slightly distant voice of Capri. “We just did what any seapony should do…” she said softly.
To me, this is probably the happiest part of the outcome—at least on a personal level, rather than the more global level that so many of the communities of Hoofington were saved from destruction—of the late fight, just as their treatment last chapter was the most singularly, viscerally disgusting aspect of the Rangers' behavior.
Also, strong echoes of Blackjack's personality there, although of course it's far from true, as evidenced by their state before Blackjack's arrival.
We came down to get some sort of navigation thingy for the Orions. But this time, there were Rangers salvaging shells off the Luna. They had spear guns with tethers, and I got harpooned.
That's about the third mention of the Orions/Orion Brotherhood/Orion's Herd, a group of ghouls. I wonder if we'll ever really see them, and what connection they have to Orion the Immortal.
Said they were going to use a balefire shell.” A what?! What, had everypony discovered megaspells and balefire bombs and shoved them into everything they could?
All too realistic, actually. I was surprised to find that there were really nuclear battleship shells made (the W23), not because we would do it, but because I had expected that with the (admittedly very gradual) phasing out of battleships after WWII, nobody would bother.
Don’t do it, Glory… please… just let me go…
And that's why it's important to get DNRs or be careful about assigning medical power of attorney.
At least it was somepony familiar. I knew this buck well now. His stride. His horn. He felt older, though. Tired and a bit sore. He walked through the halls of Blueblood Manor with a slow and ponderous step.
So this is when we get the Vanity orb. Well, I can't say it doens't fit.
“The Skyguard ordered us to land before we could reach Canterlot. My little Rosette here is quite terrified.” He sighed, levitating a monocle as he looked down the hall at the barricade. “I fear that everything has gone quite wrong.”
That's quite an understatement.
On the screen– a color terminal? I guess it made sense for someone as rich and stuck up as Blueblood to have something like that
I guess it had never ocurred to me that the terminals would be black and white, or otherwise monochrome.
“We’re sealing the Redoubt. I’m sorry. Don’t come here, Vanity. Go die somewhere else.”
I feel bad for Vanity, and it's certainly the case that he (and the rest) likewise got the shaft, but it's striking just how different the tone of the message was for him as opposed to Blueblood.
“Rarity. It’s Vanity. I’d hoped to speak to you before now. Tell you what I wanted to say. It appears that our time is up, though. We’ve been betrayed… all of us. If you get this message… I’ve gone to Elysium. If you can meet me there, then I’ll tell you what I should have years ago.”
They both deserved a better farewell than this, but the exigencies of the situation . . .
“She was never yours, Blueblood. She was never anypony’s. She was far too precious for that.” Then he looked at the door. “Now, I suppose I must give some bad news,” he said with a soft sigh.
It's things like this that make me imagine how small changes might have made the difference. What if Vanity had been the eldest son? How might that have changed things? Perhaps he wouldn't have been so much better at the outset, but given how little Blueblood has learned, that may not be the case. Maybe he would have been worse himself, given his changed situation.
I recognized one of them: a gray pony with an elegant charcoal mane and a familiar instrument. Sadly, though, Vanity looked away from Octavia to the crowd below him.
Interesting. Of course the contrabass would survive, but I had assumed she was in Flankfurt from the beginning of the megaspell assaults. I guess she made her way back.
“I will remain here. Somepony must pay for this failure. I accept responsibility.”
Fancypants’s monocle popped from his eye, and he chuckled. “I say, but that’s the most rubbish I’ve heard in ages. And I’ve listened to your brother,” he said as he shook his head.
I wasn't expecting to laugh out loud this chapter, but you got me.
Vanity’s magic reached out to seize the nearest, largest object he could find: Octavia’s contrabass. The green light surrounded it as it slammed into the charging four like an immense club;
I believe the first use of Octavia's bass as a weapon, and one of the early demonstrations of the inviolability of soul jars, independent of FoE.
He levitated two dropped revolvers from the floor and began to carry out careful and deliberate headshots; faced with such opposition, most of the attackers retreated back to the kitchen.
Our introduction to Duty and Sacrifice. Of the many aptly named weapons in the story, I think that they are the ones I'm most attached to.
“Do you have anywhere safe to go?” he asked as Fancypants and his filly walked to the door, the elderly unicorn lifting a dropped sledgehammer.
Ah, Fancy Pants.
Then he looked over as the door to the nursery opened and a terrified blue eye peeked out. Their gaze met for one second, and then he looked at the mob. “You will not pass!” He yelled as his magic reached out for every dropped firearm and wrapped it in his green glow.
I had forgotten this (the line, not the grabbing all the guns); with it, and Lacunae's much later, we're up to two of them.
Then a glowing sword swept through the throat of one of the attackers as Blueblood calmly trotted forward to stand beside him. “Touch my collection, will you? Trample your mud all over my home, you filthy peasants! Get my coat all dirty?!”
In a way, it's nice that even though Blueblood is pretty awful throughout the story, he gets a moment to shine. I guess, though, that that is a matter of perspective. But it seems to me that, right now, he's in the right. Not on the basis of the dirt and mud, true, but standing up to a murderous mob seems pretty okay in my book.
A sharp pain tore through his belly as a foot of steel buried itself in his gut. Vanity fell to his side, hooves hugging the wound as he stared up at the bloody sword floating beside his sibling. “You should have kept your hooves off her, Brother. Rarity was supposed to be mine. She was supposed to marry me.” He swung the blade and wiped off the blood as he trotted back down the hall.
Aaaaaaannnd it's over.
“Any pain… any injury… any indignity… is a small price paid in the defense of an innocent. Remember that,” he said with that shaky smile.
Man, Vanity's great. Also, this highlights just how well matched he and Rarity are.
“Now, close the door and don’t worry about me. I think I’ll retire to my room. I have a very sternly worded letter I need to write.”
The letter, of course, holds up as well now as when we first saw it. I'm afraid I don't remember the rest of the orbs or the surrounding details that well, but I believe I had originally assumed they were for Rarity; I now wonder if the promise he made was to Pinky Pie.
I know the mistakes you made… your many regrets… and I will take them all with me into the everafter.
I wonder how much Vanity knew about Eternity.
“I am to die. Let me say that. Let me begin with that. Then let me say that, had things been different we could have been the greatest of lovers. If you were not a Ministry Mare and I not a prince, we could have had a better life. A life that you deserved. I know the mistakes you made… your many regrets… and I will take them all with me into the everafter.”
. . .
“Goodbye, Rarity. I pray we meet again… in better… lives…”
Yeah, this seems about like what I was thinking of earlier, when I said they deserved a better farewell. Beautiful.
I felt a leg under my… and I heard her scream a little and jerk away. I shivered as I pulled back. She gasped and sobbed as she shuffled away from me. I simply lay there before saying quietly, “I’m sorry, Scotch. I’m not a monster. I’m not… even if I look like one.”
Sad, but it had to happen sometime, and frankly I was expecting it to come sooner.
“Glory. I’m going to die,” I repeated, and I was amazed at how calm I felt. It wasn’t that I wanted to die. There were so many things I wanted to do that I’d never get to do… but that was the way of things. You got your life until you didn’t any more.
And it's parts like this that complete the character arc, or this aspect of it, in this chapter. And it's such a simple ending, but a good one, before it begins again in a new form in the next.
Maybe it had been a nightmare… or maybe something else… but I remembered a row of purple eyes weeping along a gray neck.
Who can say, but I like to imagine that even absent the dream she'd make the same request.
“I can’t… I can’t just do nothing. I can’t…” she whispered in my ear. “I love you too much… I wanted to do… to do so much with you.” She sniffed as she shook. “Don’t tell me to do nothing and watch you die.”
“Well, you could just dump me in the river. One more piece of junk in the water; who’d notice?” I said with a little smile.
She gave a curious little hiccup before muttering, “You’re unbelievable, you know that?” She kissed softly right beneath my horn. “I won’t just… give up. You never gave up on me… on any of us. You always came for us. Please… let us try and find some way… any way… to take care of you.”
It's nice to have a reminder that, for all their troubles, the Glory of the dream was probably in large part a projection of Blackjack's own insecurities and guilt.
“Hey. The only thing that sucks about not having eyes is that I can’t see you,” I said as I nuzzled her back. And that I couldn’t see my enemies. And that I couldn’t shoot anything.
Except a battleship.
“Actually, there is no scientific evidence for the existence of–“ Glory added.
You've just been reading the wrong books and files. It's an easy mistake to make.
“You should accept the certainty that eventually she will die. Even if she were turned into a ghoul or alicorn, nothing lasts forever. We are born, we live, we wear out, and we expire. Our souls move into the everafter, to be reborn or to find another life. That is the natural order of things. When that order is violated, a mistake is created that must inevitably be undone at great cost and sacrifice. That is what makes life precious. Life persisting simply because it is alive is a fool’s game bereft of meaning. Souls matter infinitely more.” Lacunae said in a gentle, if somewhat lecturing tone.
Obviously the continuity is different, but is the functioning of souls (roughly) the same in PH and Ask Requiem?
But I can’t hate her, either. I can’t leave her. So I follow her around as she rips herself apart for ponies who are no better than meat, wondering what the hell all of it is for!”
. . .
I just want to help her so she can keep helping others. Because I can’t…”
That seems like there's some cognitive dissonance going on, even in the narrow matter of whether it's worthwhile to help people. I suppose the latter case could be directed more at the better people, but then you'd think that the same might apply to the former set, at least in part. What's more, his attitude towards the "meat" is in contradiction to whatever it is he feels regarding Blackjack, because she's a demonstration that one can change.
On the fourteenth floor, nurses were scurrying about. Foals were crying. Bedlam reigned. Somepony mentioned the weather monitoring station to the north. No matter.
Nice callback to the people at the weather station where they found Glory.
Lacunae gave a delicate cough.
“Except for Paladin Studmuffin, provided he’s still alive.” Rampage added.
I really hope we get to see Psalm and Stronghooves meet at some point.
We’re tied up to the bridge, so short of it falling on us, we should be safe.
Right, because structures collapsing has never been a problem for Blackjack before.
With luck, I’d wake to some horrible monster raping my ass or find out they went through with Plan A after all.
. . . Yeah.
I'm loving the RPG playing. Applesnack's pretty funny, and there are shades of Rampage in Twist's dialog.
“She wants to save people, same as any decent pony should,” Big Macintosh said around the grass stalk between his lips.
Note the "people."
“If you’re interested in the not so decent kind…” Now it was Maripony’s turn to blush.
“...We can do that later,” she stammered. Ugh… please let this not turn into another marathon sex orb! I couldn’t take another one of those. Not that sex with Rarity hadn’t been spectacular, but… damn… why was I thinking this?
Packed a couple good pieces of humor in there really quick. Nice. Also, I guess this means that even when it's not happening at the time, she likes sex as a stallion. Which doesn't come as any kind of huge surprise.
She mentioned how Goldenblood should have kept her in the loop. And the meetings. A meeting to plan meetings! Endless talk about projects and programs and spells.
Not to sound too cynical, but doesn't a meeting to plan meetings sound like something Twilight would force on others, not have forced on her?
“You need to go back to your game, sailor,” Big Macintosh said firmly. “Everypony’s having a nice time. Don’t need to spoil it.”
The tan unicorn scowled up at Big Macintosh. “You listen here. You come all the way to our pool hall, the least you can do is let us enjoy the company of your marefriend. And in case you didn’t notice, there’s four of us and only one of you.”
I believe I have identified where this unicorn has made a mistake.
“I’ll chalk that up to y’all bein’ drunk,” the red pony said evenly. Eyes glaring, the brown unicorn picked himself up, lifted a chair, and sent it flying at Macintosh. The crimson buck knocked it away with his hoof. “And that to ya’ll bein’ stupid. Ya don’t get a third.”
Macintosh is handling himself very well here, and the quips are pretty good.
I’d never felt that kind of strength before as his body lunged and launched half the ponies into the air in rolling arcs. A kick behind him knocked a half dozen flying. Now that powerful frame was all action as he battered the sailor ponies like a force of nature. No. I take that back; there was nothing excessive in his force. For all his strength, he kept his kicks, shoves, and bites controlled and precise. I marveled at the focus and the care he took in preventing severe injury to the sailors.
Interesting to develop Macintosh this way, and moreover this serves as an illustration of what Blackjack wishes she could accomplish.
Her flash coincided with the rumble in the clouds overhead. He got three steps before the hard Hoofington rain began to fall and six before his rump hit the ground and he turned his face to the sky, hot tears mixing with cold rain as he showed his own broken heart.
The end of this scene, after the brawl, really is depressing, but it helps that he's sincere about why he breaks it off there, even though that hurts, too.
“She’s the mare what nicked me in the museum!” one shouted.
Oh, this was going to suck…
I forgot that he was there. Also, yes.
“Toss this, motherfuckers,” P-21 said. Then there was a dull thud and the most curious sensation… I couldn’t move at all.
It's appropriate, of course, that he's the one to rescue her here. That was also worked in well later on, with some great character development scenes between the two.
Moreover, though, there's the fact that Scotch may now understand the Sin of Stable 99.
“I know… but I forgive them…” I rasped softly. “I… hurt them too… I… understand now…”
What she meant to be her last gift to the Wasteland. Squandered, true, by at least one, but not all. And her lack of sight is again used to great effect, in allowing them to remain partially anonymous.
“They aren’t worth your forgiveness!” P-21 erupted. “They’re raping, murdering meat! They’re scum! They’re filth! They need to be wiped out! They need to be killed as slowly as they… they hurt you! How can you spare them?! They killed Tarboots! They almost killed Oilcan. They were going to kill you. And Scotch…” He paused. “Where is she?” he asked in a rush.
I'm almost anticipating a "Was I so different?" response. After dealing with the important business of Scotch, of course.
Unfortunately, there was no recovering from a case of death. There was only one thing to do.
“Get some rope… and make sure that knife is sharp,” I said quietly.
Beautifully understated.
Blackjack's joking to keep herself and everyone else together was . . . nice. That whole scene was emotionally draining, but that was a good touch. Also, note that quite likely Blackjack survives because she wanted her friends all together with her.
“Has what hit me yet?” I asked with a confused smile. But I knew what… I was just pretending. And he knew I was pretending. “It’s not a big deal…” But it was a big deal. “It doesn’t hurt that bad.” It hurt really bad. I started to shake. But I couldn’t fall apart… not now. Yet I couldn’t stop. “I had to do it. I had to.” But that didn’t change a thing. I could pretend with Scotch and Glory. I could smile and act like what had happened to me didn’t bother me a bit.
But not with him. Because he understood.
The failing facade works really well here. And she now understands him better than she ever could have before. But no matter what, that she was on the other side is something that she can never really put behind her, not entirely.
It was nice to sleep without dreams. It was what I imagined dying to be like. Nothing bad… good… or otherwise.
Not to be too glib right now, but yeah, with her dreams, I bet she'd like that.
“I give a gift to end suffering. You spurned that gift,” she purred in my ear. “Take your own damned life.”
I loved this the first time around, and I still do. The Angel is one of the more mysterious of the people living in Rampage, since her head tends to be blown off before she has a chance to talk much, so every bit of live characterization is welcome.
The entire last section, starting from after the Angel leaves, is beautiful. It's achieved differently than much that's done in this story is, in that it's not vivid or highly detailed, or packed with dynamism and energy, but extremely simple and restrained, which draws the focus onto the few elements that really matter: those precious few words, the warmth of the sun, the beating of her heart, and the call of the stars. (Also, the handling of the passage of time was done very nicely.)
And it really is heartbreaking. There's a certain comfort, true, that apart from her new brokenness, she had at last reached a state where she neither sought death nor particularly dreaded it (there was the bit with the Angel, but that was motivated by her desire to cut off a plan she was told she wouldn't like, not one to die in the abstract). But there's still the sense of loss and the pain her friends will feel, and of course the fact that even then she had much she wished she could have done with them.
And so she returns home to the stars, but only for a visit.
- Chapter Thirty Three Overall Thoughts:
The Overlord dream was chilling frightening, in that it essentially raised the plot-level question of whether all that Blackjack went through would even end up making a difference. On a more personal level, it showcased some of her fears regarding her friends, but also more generally: with her gone, what will P-21 do with his hatred of the world and so many of the people in it? Will Glory come to hate her for the pain she's been put through? Was she right to do as she did in the time since she left the stable? Not all of this is immediately answered, but within we do see one thing: given the chance, she'd largely live her life the same way. Even without the dream, I expect Blackjack would have pushed against going to Sanguine, but I wonder if Glory's role in the dream may have influenced her sparing the four aboard the Seahorse.
The Vanity orb had some great features. For one brief moment in the middle, Blueblood was in the spotlight and looking good-ish. Fancy Pants, the Fleur, and the founding of the Society were established. Likewise, a tender moment was woven into the plot by having Octavia give one last performance, enabling a showcase of the indestructability of soul jars. Vanity himself was glorious, noble and indeed heroic to the end. His final goodbye to Rarity was heartfelt and bittersweet, and his final acts show how well he matched her.
Now, I'd also note that this orb seems to be somewhat similar in structure to the rape on the Seahorse, with some beats switched around. You have the attack by a group which has grievances of questionable merit. They are fought by the viewpoint character to protect children. The viewpoint character is saved by an ally (Blueblood, P-21). The character is betrayed (Blueblood, either Glory or the Angel, or both, depending on how you look at it). The character responds to the events, Vanity with righteous indignation directed at Goldenblood and the O.I.A., Blackjack with forgiveness of her attackers. The character slowly dies while making a final communion with their love, in Vanity's case making the orb and saying his last goodbye.
The Big Macintosh orb started out so simply, so happily, but ended in dejection. It revolved around first the pain caused by Twilight's secrecy and deception, and the need for it. It ended with the pain of doing the right thing. The harsh reality of the no-win situation. I thought that bringing back Twilight's difficulty with pool in the botched teleportation (“Oh… my… that went differently in my head.”) to help Mac in the brawl was a nice touch.
The Psalm dream was informative, showing that the goal of her mission was to keep the rule of Equestria, and implicitly EC-1101, from passing to anyone besides Luna. Otherwise, I think it was a little out of place since all the others focused on endings: what happens after Blackjack is gone, the end of Vanity's life, and the (or at least the apparent) end of Twilight and Big Macintosh's romance.
The big controversy of the chapter, of course, was the attack and rape aboard the Seahorse. From a simple blood-and-gore perspective, it wasn't particularly an outlier for the story, but as an emotional trigger the solution used was probably about as good as you could do. It's simply not something that can be excised without severely hurting Blackjack's development and her relationship with P-21 and, to a lesser extent, Scotch Tape. I hope that it's kept in the normal flow of text once a printing is made.
Within the story itself, it was Blackjack's last sacrifice, and forgiving and sparing her assailants her last gift before dying (though there was the point that she can't really forgive them for killing Tarboots and nearly Oilcan). The trauma at last allows her to empathize with P-21, and the understanding of what she had done will be important going forward as well. But perhaps most important was the wish she made, after the initial shock had worn off and the realization of what had happened sank in, that, if she did live to see them or others like them in the future, she would still be capable of forgiveness.
Also, not having an actual crucifiction involved was a good choice.
Scotch Tape was also big this chapter, pushing for answers regarding her relationship with P-21, the continued insistence she's not a child (but needing Blackjack to tell her what to do in the crisis), and seeing what happened to Blackjack and connecting that to Stable 99 all played well.
The ending was wonderful. I think the main thing to be said about it is how little you'd recognize Blackjack then compared to the start of chapter one. And for all that's happened, she seems much more satisfied, content, here than she did at the beginning.
I think that the level up area note of "Game over" is a little odd, since even though she's certainly died, it's not over.
- Other Chapter Editing Matters, Principally Concerning Dogs:
Okay. Single layer of spoiler, separated between "other" and main chapter, broken down by chapter within "other," and spoilers labeled uniquely. Hopefully that's everything.
8:
“ Are you sayin' my mouth is makin' promises my legs can't keep?”
There's a space between the quotation mark and "are," and the apostrophes aren't the directional ones you normally use.
Documentation - Dogs:
Sand dogs, hellhounds: "Sand dog" is generally capitalized, which doesn't match pony, griffin, zebra, dragon, etc., or "hellhound" apart from chapter 58. But it does match "diamond dog," which is sometimes capitalized. I don't know what you want to do with them, but I think it makes the most sense to bring them in line with the other species, and generally lower case. I'll bold the ones that I would change, but leave the others, too, in plain text.
15:
Big Macintosh chuckled. “Sand dogs.”
“Sand Dogs?” Big Macintosh walked to the
"Sand Dog"
“Well, they used to call themselves diamond dogs.
"Diamond Dog"
18:
That one looked more like a sand dog from Maripony’s memory.
"Sand Dog"
20:
“Well, then, maybe you should see if you can get Sanguine to fuse some Sand Dog into you, or get some mechanical limbs.
"Sand Dog"
21:
“The Sand Dogs,” the elder unicorn answered.
But Perch said that if we could deal with the Sand Dogs, it’d open up the underground tunnels for salvaging
“And we also know that Perch was right; these sand dogs are sitting
I’d seen the Sand Dogs in Maripony’s memory and in the pictures, but I had to admit that there was something distinctly
Help Riverside out by clearing out raiders and Sand Dogs.
Slowly the combatants released each other and I got a better look at these Sand Dogs.
I saw one Sand Dog take the ruby flakes from the table and brush them into a little port on their limb; instantly, the lights on the arm glowed brighter.
Back in Riverside, I approached the dozen or so ponies about the Sand Dogs coming to trade.
"Sand Dog"
us go there! Pony tell Dogs shut up! And always pony
"Dog"
21:
(Starred appear in newspaper, so may change based on that)
*Diamond Dogs to be moved to appointed land outside Appleloosa.’
* Diamond Dogs to be moved to appointed land outside Appleloosa.’
*inhabitants, beings known collectively as ‘Diamond Dogs’.
*Twilight Sparkle said that she sympathizes with the Diamond Dogs,
*She assures the Diamond Dogs that a new community for the Diamond Dogs will be founded elsewhere in Equestria.
*Millitary units supervised the relocation of the Diamond Dogs from Pleasant Valley this week to a temporary holding camp near Appleloosa.
* to ensure that the Diamond Dog removal went smoothly.
*Despite their apparent submission, several Diamond Dogs made a futile
*pointed out that Diamond Dogs, being non-citizens of Equestria, are not protected under law.
*lacks sufficient clean food and water for the Diamond Dog population
*‘Hoofington -- Goldenblood to welcome Diamond Dog workers for Reconstruction’
*for several of the strange Diamond Dog beings to be permitted to aid in reconstruction
*Diamond Dogs possess a capability to dig that
*Employing Diamond Dogs is the difference between having Hoofington completed in three years or thirty.’
unless Diamond Dog colts were in the habit of wearing dirty dresses…
"Diamond Dog"
22:
I try and help the Sand Dogs and wipe out Riverside.
I thought of Brimstone’s Fall, Flank, Blueblood Manor, even the Sand Dogs’ lair.
"Sand Dog"
23:
And another of Riverside, where a caravan of merchants was trading with the fishers and the Sand Dogs at the same time.
"Sand Dog"
“We fused ponies with cockatrices… ponies with diamond dogs…
of us in Ponyville and my biggest problems were diamond dogs kidnapping Rarity.”
"Diamond Dog"
26:
She lifted the book up in her mouth, showing us a robotic sand dog-esque monster that appeared more machine than meat.
The Sand Dogs had nearly attacked us a second time before they caught sight of Lacunae.
All the Sand Dogs were doing far better with gems powering their mechanical parts.
I glanced over at Rover, wondering what good a memory orb would do a Sand Dog.
“Sand Dogs dig. Sand Dogs help make,” Rover muttered as he pulled out an old wooden box
The Sand Dogs didn’t strike me as the most engineering-inclined people.
"Sand Dog"
Ponies should not go in tunnels. Tunnels is Dogs’ home.
Ponies think of things to make, but Dogs make them.
He try to make Dog town new home, but pony city is not dog home.
Even Golden pony used Dogs.”
“Pony is using Dogs now too. Pony wants information from Dogs, tunnels only Dogs know.”
Day after pony come, Dogs go to village with scrap and salvage. Village not trust Dogs, Dogs not trust ponies.
“Fifi ask we save them, so pony not thank Dog for it!”
"Dog"
28:
Cables snaked all over the place, and I spotted several pieces of what looked like Sand Dog bionics.
are virtually the patron saint of Chapel, brought together Sand Dogs and ponies in mutual
"Sand Dog"
Then images of diamond dogs getting their limbs replaced filled the air.
"diamond dog"
34:
I slowly turned and looked up at the cybernetic Sand Dog, Rover.
“An alicorn, a sand dog, and a cyberzony’s severed head.
"Sand Dog"
35:
There were huge vats full of it in Maripony, and the diamond dog warrens underneath Pleasant Valley
"diamond dog"
38:
Chems had saved my life more than once and saved her eyes in the sand dog tunnels.
"Sand Dog"
39:
“To diamond dogs, to buffalo, to dragons… griffins… minotaurs…
Unicorn craft, dragon fire, pegasus flight, earth pony mudloving, diamond dog digging, and so on.
"diamond dog"
44:
His eyes glanced back to the paper once more. “Diamond Dog relocation.”
“But… I’ll see if I can do something for these… erm… Diamond Dogs, are they?
"Diamond Dog"
49:
teleporting into the midst of the Sand Dogs’ home.
The Sand Dogs were doing better than I imagined.
but I gathered that that was more because the Sand Dogs preferred it that way.
That left me alone with the old Sand Dog as he attached a new foreleg to my stump.
I pay attention and make sure when other Sand Dog fixed, I do the fixing.
“Gnarr is hellhound and guest of Sand Dogs.”
“Security Pony help Sand Dogs. Dogs hope Security could help hounds too,”
The pair met me outside, the hellhound looming over the other Sand Dogs.
"Sand Dog"
“But… I’ll see if I can do something for these… erm… Diamond Dogs, are they?
"Diamond Dog"
“Dog bet Hound half a brahmin Pony is back in two days.”
"Hound", "Pony" shouldn't be capitalized.
Dog not get taught this trick. Dogs get first metal parts.
Only one space after the first period.
53:
levitating my severed forelimb and cupping her own chin in imitation of the Sand Dog.
"Sand Dog"
is good, but Dog not work miracles.”
If Pony insists on doing things that ruins Dog’s hard work, Dog will simply make her tougher ("Pony" shouldn't be capitalized, also)
"Dog"
“Dog think Pony has problem,” Rover said calmly as the old canine cupped his chin and narrowed his filmy eye.
“Dog not know why Pony not able to use.
"Pony" shouldn't be capitalized.
54:
“Hellhounds and Sand Dogs aren’t even close to each other.
"Sand Dog"
58:
I’d warn the Hellhounds and tell them to clear out in return for planting it right under your
could evade even the Hellhounds beneath Maripony!
No doubt dozens, perhaps hundreds would die to the Hellhounds.
Between Enclave and Hellhounds, LittlePip had killed thousands with this bomb! Granted that Hellhounds and Enclave weren’t
Something better. Warned the Hellhounds! Evacuated the
into the resilient armored hide of the Hellhounds coming up the hill.
“Pony die!” roared a Hellhound behind me, raising his arm to strike.
If you are Blackjack, but really, how many other ponies would be dumb enough to fight Hellhounds alone?
"Hellhounds" shouldn't be capitalized, based on other uses.
- Chapter Thirty Three Editing Matters:
There should only be one space after "metal."
Steel Rain would never get the Celestia to fire another shot.
"Celestia" should be italicized.
and hammered into my head. Now I was pushed
There should only be two spaces after the period.
Disemboweling was worse….
Ellipsis needs only three dots.
I felt as if I was drifting away.
I think that the "was" should be "were."
“Yes!” I cheered and pumped a hoof
There should only be one space after the quotation.
He looked at me as if he was staring at a ghost,
Looks like past subjunctive "were" might be preferable to "was."
“How… How long…?” I murmured in shock.
Either second space after first ellipsis, or no capitalization of second "how."
“Fifteen… Weeks?”
Again, but probably leaning towards the non-capitalization route.
“Scotch!” I shouted happily as I raced up towards
There should be only one space after the quotation.
“Glory…” her eyes turned to the
"Her" should be capitalized.
too much to say anymore and simply hugged her
"any more"
Then there were zebras. Griffins. Sand Dogs. All together around
Earth ponies, unicorns, ghouls, sand dogs, and others.
“Stun grenade, courtesy of the Sand Dogs.”
I don't know how you'd want to deal with "sand dogs," from a capitalization perspective (probably capitalized, since that's how you handle the large majority overall). But these don't match, and the context is the same.
“Give her a Hydra. Give her one right now
Only one space after period.
I remembered how, weeks ago she’d gone on and on about how horrible Hydra was.
Comma after "ago," or, possibly, the existing comma could be removed, instead.
But this time, there were Rangers salvaging shells off the Luna.
"Luna" should be italicized.
and P-21 begin to argue… Don’t do it, Glory
Should have second space after ellipsis.
“A fine story, Harpica. Keep them
Only one space after the period.
“I’m sorry, Fancypants. I’m going to look into that
Therefore, I propose that you utilize Fancypants’s airship to relocate to the Elysium Resort.
Fancypants’s monocle popped from his eye, and he chuckled.
he asked as Fancypants and his filly walked to the door
Vanity turned away and raced to join Fancypants.
Fancypants and Vanity reached the upstairs hall where a line of sandbags and furniture still formed a barricade.
In chapters 56 through 59, "Fancypants" is spelled as two words. Which do you want to go with?
screen– a color terminal? I guess it made sense for someone as rich and stuck up as Blueblood to have something like that –was a ruby
Symmetrical spacing about dashes.
“You dare-“
Second hyphen for dash.
live until it was safe to return and rebuild Equestria. You gave generously
Only one space after the period.
“You will not pass!” He yelled as his magic
"He" should not be capitalized.
It was already starting to snow as he drew out a piece of stationary and began to carefully write,
"Stationery"
slow breath as he started to shake, his body growing chill. “I am to
Only one space after the period.
and now what does it all matter? I am dying…
Should have second space after question mark.
“Glory!” I rasped again, my chest clenching in pain as if I were trying to expel my own lungs.
Should have only one space after the quotation.
“No!” She snapped.
"She" shouldn't be capitalized.
And it’ll hurt like hell… but if you asked me to… I wouldn’t do it.
Should "it'll" be "it'd"?
I nuzzled her back. And that I couldn’t see my
Only one space after the period.
You said yourself its only a matter of days before gangrene sets in.
"it's"
only by the rain drumming overhead. “Glory, you said it
There are worse things than dying, P-21. All of you know that better than anypony,
Only one space after the period.
Don’t you act like you know what I feel, you freak!” P-21 shouted.
Should have only one space after the quotation.
No one but Blackjack.”
Paragraph shouldn't end with a quotation mark.
with pouches of high strength RadAway. I pulled off the rebreather
Only one space after the period.
“Do either of you have experience with explosives?” I asked as I looked at the pair of Steel
“How did you learn of the zebra assassination attempt?” Fairheart asked, and then that question
Should have only one space after the quotation.
The sooner you get there the sooner you get back.”
Paragraph should not end with quotation mark.
“Except for Paladin Studmuffin, provided he’s still alive.” Rampage added.
Period in quotation should be comma.
“Right… Okay.
Either second space after ellipsis or don't capitalize "okay."
“But miss Glory…”
I think "miss" should be capitalized, as it's being used as part of her name.
I just hoped that, once I was dead my friends could find some way to move on.
I think that there should either be commas on both sides of "once I was dead," or neither.
should be interesting... Just hold it to my horn.”
Either second space after ellipsis, or don't capitalize "just."
But if I didn’t, then she would be sad…. Arrrgh!
Ellipsis should only have three dots, needs second space after ellipsis or don't capitalize "arrrgh."
It ended in tears, recrimination and loads of Blackjack guilt!
Serial comma needed after "recrimination."
He trotted through the Miramare Air station with an easy smile and saw it respectfully returned from the ponies stationed there.
"Station" should be capitalized.
He walked up to an open door and peeked in on half the marauders clustered around a table.
"Marauders" should be capitalized.
“So, If that’s what makes her happy, then that’s what I’ll do.”
"If" shouldn't be capitalized.
They clattered across the table and came up 1’s.
Should the 1 be in single quotation marks, as a literal of what was written on the die face? If it's just relaying the idea, it might work better as "ones."
Cause that’s just how anypony would want to spend the rest of his life:
Apostrophe before the "c" in "cause."
Shadowbolt tower loomed above all the rest,
"Tower" should be capitalized.
Twilight teleported me here. Told me to have
Only one space after the period.
Big Macintosh received a case by case analysis of just what was
I think "case by case" should be hyphenated.
Horizon labs was just a big, dark, glassy block.
"Labs" should be capitalized.
“Mari? Is there something you need to tell me?” He asked with a worried look.
"He" shouldn't be capitalized.
“Lets just have a great night together.
"Let's"
“Everypony’s having a nice time. Don’t need to spoil
Only one space after the period.
The tan unicorn scowled up at Big Macintosh.
Every other time he's mentioned by color he's brown.
“They’ll be right sorry in the morning, but I’m more worried about dealing with them right now.
Sentence should end with a closing quotation mark.
“He’s a sergeant! He’s a soldier!” Maripony yelled,
Should have only one space after quotation.
The unicorn was struck with such force that be bounced like a ball filled with crunchy twigs.
"Be" should be "he."
“She thought you’d cut me… with how we were acting and everything.” Twilight said as she turned
Period should be comma, there should only be one space after the quotation.
“No… no no… mister Tarboots.”
I believe "mister" should be capitalized.
“Holy shit, is that… that’s the Security Mare?” One said
“Let’s stop her flopping around once and for all!” One cheered,
"One" shoudn't be capitalized. Unless she's calling one of them "One," like how she'll identify people by their weapons.
I couldn’t do anything…. But I could take it.
Ellipsis needs only three dots, should have another space after ellipsis or "but" shouldn't be capitalized.
“Do it! Do it!” They began to cheer.
If the "Do it!" is the cheer, the quotation should be followed by only one space and "they" shouldn't be capitalized; otherwise, fine as-is.
and her horn touched my
There should only be one space after "horn."
“Shh… lay… lay still…” Lacunae stammered in my mind. “I… I will try and find your horn. Perhaps it can be reattached…”
"Lay" should be "lie."
We won’t let them get away with this.” Lacunae swore
Period should be comma.
“Why…” One of my attackers rasped.
"One" should not be capitalized.
And I… don’t want…. My friends… to… kill.
Second ellipsis should have only three dots, and "my" shouldn't be capitalized.
“I don’t.” I admitted.
Period in quotation should be comma.
the feeling of them being withdrawn nearly stopped my heart. Oilcan was injured
Only one space after the period.
when Glory arrived with the Captain and Seabiscuit, the shit hit the fan again.
"Captain" shouldn't be capitalized.
Apparently there were quite a few ponies coming and going all at once.. A little bit later,
There should only be one period.
“No no, closer.” I whispered
Period should be comma, quotation should be followed by only one space.
seen the kind of mess you can really make, remember?” He said with a soft
"He" shouldn't be capitalized.
“Blargh.” I muttered
Period should be comma.
Goddesses, I had… he stroked my mane some more.
"He" should be capitalized, or there should only be one space before it.
Also, second anniversary? I say.
This format is good, thanks. Sorry to be so particular. :)
…You appear to have Chapter 21 listed twice in a row, though. It's not a problem, but I'm not sure why you did it.
Oh, and the second block of 49 stuff is actually in 44.
"And that's why it's important to get DNRs or be careful about assigning medical power of attorney."
…Oh, "Do Not Resuscitate"! At first I read that as "Darned Nearly Recoilless" and was confused.
"“Actually, there is no scientific evidence for the existence of–“ Glory added.
You've just been reading the wrong books and files. It's an easy mistake to make."
…Huh, yeah, how did I forget this line? It's another place where I diverge from PH, I suppose; my headcanon for both FoE and the show is that the existence of what we might call "souls" is established scientific fact.
"I think that the level up area note of "Game over" is a little odd, since even though she's certainly died, it's not over."
The Trope
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Derpmind Thu Dec 05, 2013 2:09 am
So this happened. Too tired to, well, anything, but it's good and stuff I guess.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Thu Dec 05, 2013 2:53 am
@Derpmind
Well, that's kind of glorious.
Well, that's kind of glorious.
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