Sister forum[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Sun Nov 24, 2013 11:16 pm
Somber: I echo everyone else on this. Take your time, try to handle real life as best you can, and don't worry about writing if you don't have the time or everything else is too much or if it just makes you feel worse. We love your work, but we care about you more.
Swicked: I loved that comic you posted a while back on the fan art thread. It gets me laughing every time I see it (I'm glad I can enjoy satire of thinks I like), and motivated me to read the Whomp's archives, and I think I'm going to be following it going forward.
O. Hinds: I'm sorry for the bad formatting last week; I just didn't know what to do about those cases where there were different usages, but neither of them really wrong. And you're right: putting it all in a section marked as just one chapter was a bad idea. Hopefully I got it better this time.
Well, so far this weekend I've seen the season four opener and read chapter thirty two and greatly enjoyed both. Next up comes the Doctor Who fiftieth anniversary thing. I hope I like it as much.
Oh, and four words, fifteen letters: "Get me the whiskey."
Swicked: I loved that comic you posted a while back on the fan art thread. It gets me laughing every time I see it (I'm glad I can enjoy satire of thinks I like), and motivated me to read the Whomp's archives, and I think I'm going to be following it going forward.
O. Hinds: I'm sorry for the bad formatting last week; I just didn't know what to do about those cases where there were different usages, but neither of them really wrong. And you're right: putting it all in a section marked as just one chapter was a bad idea. Hopefully I got it better this time.
Well, so far this weekend I've seen the season four opener and read chapter thirty two and greatly enjoyed both. Next up comes the Doctor Who fiftieth anniversary thing. I hope I like it as much.
Oh, and four words, fifteen letters: "Get me the whiskey."
- Chapter Thirty Two Stuff:
- Overall Thoughts:
- There was a huge amount to love about this chapter. The Choir was wonderfully creepy, yet also heartbreaking, and tied in beautifully with the foals at the Fluttershy Medical Center and Stable 99. Also, it was a great showcase for Blackjack solving problems without violence. The song was nice, but I can't help but feel like the syllable counts and meter were inconsistent, at least as long as I don't have the music to go with it and hear how it was meant to go. But the whole Choir section was a real high point.
Scotch Tape is another high point of the chapter, her frustration with not remember leading to a talk with Blackjack that has her overflow with anger and set off the Angel. I'm somewhat surprised at how readily she warmed to Blackjack, though, but it's probably better that way than having her still extremely angry going into 33. The way BJ had her help out remotely was also good.
I think I've come to realize one of the things that I like about Stronghoof: it's that he is literally too good for his world—he doesn't just belong in a different story, but an entirely different setting and genre. It's like the perfect White Knight wandered onto the wrong set, and stuck around being awesome because none of the other actors or the director told him to leave.
I think that one of the other great things is how well the planning worked out; the surrender mostly worked, and even as they moved through Plans B through D, it felt like they knew what they were doing about as well as could be hoped given their intel going in. The radio trick was nice, and you know what? You can't blame the fact that the reveal led to a mutiny rather than the arrest of Steel Rain on Blackjack and crew. And even there, there was the escape plan which got everyone but her out early in the fighting.
Sadly, Rampage will be sad over Folly being fired (again!) while not pointed at her.
Oh, and I should mention that description porn is abundant in the early parts of the chapter, in particular. There's some great work most notably with the Choir and Blackjack's body, now made of cancer. On that note, it's remarkable how well Glory (and everyone, really, but her especially) handles this, with great kindness and pity but no real indication of disgust, even as Blackjack truly comes to hade what her body's become.
- Running Thoughts:
- Okay, we left off on a real cliffhanger last time, just seeing the choir at the very end of the last chapter. I expect things will start out intense, unsettling, and perhaps even outright scary before settling back into the long-run purpose-driven plot and changing attitudes towards and ways of dealing with Blackjack's mortality and increasing vulnerability.
Let's go!
The walls, floor, ceiling... everything was moving. It was impossible to tell where metal ended and flesh began. Eyes were bulging. Mouths were opened in one long scream. There were organs between the equipment. Meaty appendages… intestines… I clutched my stomach as I backed away. I felt… it felt like my insides were moving! Like my tainted guts were trying to crawl right out my throat! I fought for one moment and then puked on the inside of my helmet. It wasn’t bad compared to what followed at the other end.
And worst of all, I wanted to join that scream. It scratched at my throat.
I think that this struck a delicate balance. The first few sentences were highly descriptive, but left the external scene far from fully-defined, as suggested by transition from scenery description to focusing on Blackjack's reaction via her trailing off without a real indication that she was done: "Meaty appendages… intestines… I clutched my stomach as I backed away." One of the things I really like is how despite the change in focus, the vividness is conserved, first directed at her physical responses—which, as unpleasant as they are, are not as unsettling as what comes next—and then the mental or psychological, with her urge to join the scream.
"Then things got worse."
It might be early, but this is going to be my baseline for judging other lines in this chapter as representative of the story as a whole.
“Why?” snickered a mare’s mouth. “She’s so close to us already. She’s singing parts herself. We’ve heard her.”
Ah, the move from fear of what might happen to that of what might already have. The "one of us" moment works particularly well with a viewpoint character already uncertain of herself and full of doubts about whether and how she's changed.
Chills, by the way.
A small hole pierced through the shell to the small compartment, most of which was taken up by a strange, glowing hexagonal piece of crystalline stone that the robot arm’s saw hadn’t been able to cut through.
Okay, I believe this is the introduction to the moonstone, and reveals it as both strong (but not necessarily as strong as starmetal, as that could be an ordinary saw) and unaffected by the Eater's note.
I’d been killing myself with every shot of the superweapon.
No, not killing myself. Turning myself into… this. The room muttered, giggled, and laughed softly.
Well, not exactly, or not necessarily. But now the shoe's dropped, and the full impact of her "singing parts herself" has been brought to bear.
I knew I’d seen that odd glowing gem before somewhere...
Oh, right. The museum, I think? So this wasn't the introduction, but the first indication that it's more than just a type of stone.
“That rock… of a lesser song. The metal… of a greater glory! The potion… the ichor of the meddler… a neutral buffer to separate the two,” the mouths muttered in unison. “Sing with us. Sing your screams with us! The other cannot join. She is of a false unity. But you can be together with us!”
Very well spelled out, actually, if seemingly cryptic for lack of necessary context. And why would they provide that context, when they have lived it, when it has been their very existence, for two centuries?
“We are, but trapped in flesh. Kept apart. We will join it in time. We were the latest to join the greater choir in such a long time. The greater song,” they murmured in unison. “Let us sing for you.” And one began to scream. Then another. And another. Their screams blended together, one building on the next in a singular note. A note that grew and grew; and I was singing with it… not through my lips.
No… it was coming from inside my chest. I was going to sing with it too, till there was nothing left but that song.
There really is a depth of foreshadowing here, which will probably serve well in tying the celestial events at the start of thirty four to the earthly realm of Equestria and the wasteland.
Her tissue looked mottled and knotted, even scaly... and there was a wing forcing itself out of her shoulder through a gap in her armor. As I watched, a small horn was twisting slowly out the side of her head.
Whoa! I forgot that happening! Also ties to the Goddess and Unity, since I don't believe Blackjack yet knew of the details of their formation.
One showed the wall chewing Pickets… oh Celestia… were those teeth I felt working on the ends of my limbs? Chewing through the suit? I blasted with the shotgun, wishing I’d loaded incendiary rounds.
And here we have an appropriate and proportional desire to use fire as a weapon, even knowing that the person considering it is horrified by people burning: the fire is probably necessary, not merely a useful addition or side effect. What's more, you can make the case that, at least to Blackjack, the target isn't really a person at all, and not in some kind of rhetorical sense like "slavers aren't people" or some such.
[the hymn to Celestia and Luna]
As I watched, the flesh seemed to be driven away. The eyes clenched in pain as the pulse fluctuated wildly. Rainbow ichor burst from some of the veins as the room reacted horribly to the swelling hymn to two princesses now long parted from this world. I might not have been able to believe in goddesses any more, but I could believe in beauty, kindness, and harmony.
So, first of all, I like the song, and would like to hear it sung at some point. Next, it's a great example of the protagonist winning through means other than violence. Lastly, the sentiment is itself beautiful, and one of the things I love about Blackjack.
Not peace from violence, but peace from this horror. I slowly stepped towards the wall. “I’m sorry,” I murmured as I looked at those bright and pained eyes. “I don’t know how to help you…”
“You have,” a mare said quietly as the rest hummed the melody. “You have, so much. You reminded us of what we were… what we should be.”
Perhaps it's just because of the high concentration of Star Wars in recent chapters, but this is highly reminiscent of the death of Vader, if perhaps spelled out more directly.
“You can,” a buck said softly. “In the storeroom next door… there are chemicals. Benzene. Ethanol and methanol. Hydrogen and oxygen talismans. Acetone. Toluene. Spill them… ignite them. Don’t let us go back to… to what we were.” The lips trembled and it whimpered softly. “We’re so tired of screaming.”
And it's also drawn back around to parallel two of her great regrets: the forty two children and Stable 99. But this time, there need be no guilt or doubt. It's probably wrong to draw too strong a tie, to directly justify them as unambiguously right not only in general but for those who were killed, but the reminder that, perhaps, if they could have been given a moment as who they were before going crazy, that they might say they wouldn't want to live as they were could be some small comfort.
Structurally, I'd also note that these are fairly evenly spaced, from 6 to 22 to 31, with a clear progression from a group that could potentially be saved, in time, to one that would almost surely die before a cure could be developed (and would do immense harm along the way), to one that explicitly wishes not to return to the state Blackjack found it in.
It wasn’t very big… about the same size as my hor-- as a shotgun shell.
Well, I guess that gives a decent idea of the size of her horn (and an upper limit on Stronghoof's), but even so there are many different sizes of shotgun cartridges. So, for length, probably between 2.25" and 3", perhaps as long as 3.5" if she was thinking about newer, longer 12-gauge shells.
“I was a little occupied, but I promise… the next time I fire a super taint-ridden weapon of mass destruction, I will make sure that you are in the line of fire.”
+1 promise Blackjack doesn't keep.
“Long story short… bad stuff happened. Really. Not fun. You didn’t miss much,” I said, but she hardly looked satisfied. Okay… something to deal with later.
And we're making the same mistake again. It's not something that should be dealt with later, BJ. It's something you should get out there now. But it's good to see Scotch pressing this.
And I smiled as I tapped the stone to the side of the bullet.
Then it exploded. Of course it exploded!
Yep, there's the reaction. Not as controlled a situation as at the house with Stygius, but still a pretty clear indication.
“How the hell does this bullet have a stone inside if they explode on contact?” I asked as I put the bullet back in its case. I didn’t want to set the damned thing off just by touching one to the other!
“Perhaps the taint solution within acts as a neutral buffer? If they cannot come in contact with each other, they cannot react,” offered Lacunae. It was the best suggestion I could think of.
I suppose I can excuse you not processing what the Choir was saying about the ichor of the meddler acting as a buffer. You were preoccupied at the time.
I could see Folly on a tank or as some power armor gun, but it was a pistol! Had Trottenheimer been exceptionally poorly endowed or something?
Great line right there. But perhaps the girl with severe horn envy shouldn't be talking.
Suddenly, I became aware of everypony staring at me. Only Glory was actually looking… but the rest had obviously just found other things to stare at while they paid attention to my tumors. I felt... ugly. Unclean… worse than just the mess I’d made of myself. I was suddenly aware of how slat-sided I’d become; I was still eating, but it seemed like all the food was going somewhere else. I felt like I was becoming something less than a pony and more like those poor creatures in the lab. I pulled my security barding into place and strapped it down over my braces, keeping my eyes low. Don’t look at me. Please don’t look at me…
This hurt to read. Not that the writing is bad, but, well, mirror neurons can be a bitch.
I needed to keep going. I’d fall apart if I simply stopped and let everything catch up with me.
Also good, but I'm not sure if it beats "Then things got worse."
“You’re either crazy or stupid…” Shrapnel muttered.
Those are not mutually exclusive propositions.
“You think I’m going to kill Security?” Crumpets replied. She turned, and her weapons clicked. “You cowardly, dishonorable, contemptible, callow slattern; I would sooner shoot a despicable fiend such as yourself than ever dare train my bullets on a hero who has bled so much for so many others!”
You're pretty awesome, Crumpets. It's too bad you're probably going to be killed for that in a ridiculously short time.
Or, I guess, the calvalry arrives, headed by the incomparable Stronghoof. I can get behind that.
“Please… glorious lady… will you accept my humble apologies for the indignity that I performed upon you? To mar your beautiful throat with such an ugly device is a sin that weighs heavily upon my conscience! Never before have I seen such an expression of perfection, grace, dignity, or humility as yourself!”
So . . . much . . . ham. I love it.
Also, has anyone written stories about Stronghoof's adventures before coming to Hoofington, or in the gaps between the war and the gala? I mean, I know that it's the point, but he feels like he should be a knight in shining armor (check) travelling around a classical fairy tail setting righting wrongs and winning the heart of his lady through great deeds, not living in the gray and grey world of FoE and trying to do his best within the bounds of his organization, but I guess that's part of his charm and, for that matter, that of Armstrong, too. They just don't belong in their settings, but are all the better for it.
She was bringing this up now? I sighed. Of course she was. Because I made a mistake. And because it bothered her. And because I was the only one who would tell her...
And because you didn't tell her earlier, when it would have been a better time.
Wasn’t this whole thing supposed to be some kind of stealth mission? Hadn’t that been part of the plan?! I’m pretty sure that getting hated by a filly and attacked by a friend didn’t belong in a stealth mission!
I was thinking that myself. But oh, Scotch's reaction. It's been building for a while, and I can't say it's unexpected or wholly inappropriate. Of course, if Blackjack had handled delivering the news better, perhaps it wouldn't have been so bad, even beyond the fact it wouldn't be in a battle situation.
Also, I can't shake the feeling that it was done here as setup for the Seahorse. . .
I loved the dissolution of the group and P-21's breakdown. Blackjack's rebuttal was great, especially her recitation of Watcher's advice to her on dealing with her wrongs.
When we moved on to the medical room, I took an opportunity to oil and service the weapon as well as I could.
*snerk*
“Could we please cut out the lesbian sexcapade chitchat while walking towards an enemy that wants to kill us?” P-21 said tersely, his already bristly mane frizzing even more.
P-21, keeping things in line. It must suck, being one of the designated straight men of this group. Great line, though.
We stepped into view of ten or so unicorns handling all kinds of strange techy equipment while fixing up suits of power armor. They all froze at the sight of us. “Hi. I’m Security. I’m looking for Napalm Strike?”
Cue preemptive surrender to the lady trying to surrender to them?
I guess not.
“Down,” he directed as we crossed a pegasus landing pad at the rear and clattered down some narrow stairs. I had to wonder if Rangers could even wear power armor in these tight confines! After that, we went down more stairs…. and more stairs… and incidentally did I mention I didn’t like stairs?
So, the H.M.S. Celestia was designed by King Sombra. Good to know.
Pisces and Capricorn lay on the floor. Their scales were cracked and flaking, their skin split and bleeding Their fins had dried out and stuck to the floor. Capri was unconscious, maybe dead. The pink seapony was partially glued to her sister. They needed water, badly, and whatever pony had thrown them in here like this needed to die.
Not as bad as the description of Blackjack earlier, but still pretty harsh.
- Editing:
- Use of "hand" in objects (gun, mirror, grenade). I figure some expressions would remain ("hand over," and "on hand" seem to be used to the exclusion of a hoof equivalent. "on the other hand," "offhand," and "take off their hands" are split, with "on the other hoof" much more common than hand--If you want, I can go through and flag either or both types of the split ones, and you can decide what to do about them. In any case, please let me know how to deal with them so hopefully I don't flag things I shouldn't as new chapters are released), and "hand of cards," but those instances where it's talking about real functionality stand out a bit more.
Silver Bullet capitalization is mixed.
Ironmare naval base (station) capitalization mixed.
professor, (star) paladin, elder getting rank treatment for capitalization
5: I passed by ammo crates with handgun, shotgun, and rifle ammunition.
Maybe replace "handgun"
8: Steel Rangers have the Ironmare naval station.
The name appears to be "Ironmare Naval Base," so the capitalization here may be fine if you figure the name isn't being used, but I thought it might be worth mentioning just in case.
18: “Unless there are healing hand grenades in there, I don’t think close counts,” I said with a sigh, sliding the box over to him.
"hand grenades"
25: around the city, and the Professor established the Eggheads
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
27: Be glad the Professor likes you.
Went right to the Professor,” Triage said as
Fortunately, the Professor agreed.
I’ll just let you know that the Professor wants to talk with you before you go.
Speaking of which, the Professor wants to make sure
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
28: Once my friend was okay, you might have pointed out that I needed to talk to the Professor.
The Professor rolled her eyes. “Blackjack, do you know how much success
Equestria and Spike. The Professor, using more robots, had brought drinks and snacks,
The Professor chuckled softly. “Oh, Goldenblood was a sneaky bastard,
The Professor shrugged. “They were used to
Without Glory’s suffering and the Zodiacs and the Professor to distract me,
way around,” the Professor replied softly. “Many ponies
Hoofington University.” Suddenly, the Professor’s image dissolved and the air overhead filled
even offered a comforting hug. The Professor maintained her composure as she
The Professor shrugged. “Goldenblood was related to royalty.
The Professor coughed delicately.
He was the one who told the Professor about us being in Awesome’s menagerie.
“Sagi’s idea. He heard that the Professor needed it really badly.”
That lined up with what I’d heard from the Professor herself.
“But… if you did decide to help the Professor…”
Lacunae was meeting with the Professor. That left me and Glory with
“Maybe the Professor could do… something?”
The Professor shook her head with a small smile.
I guilt tripped him about almost killing you when you were going to do so much for the Professor, so he dropped it.”
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
29: Like the Star Paladin says, it’s our duty to safeguard the technology of the kingdom.
"Star paladin" shouldn't be capitalized.
So she was a projection too, like the Professor, only a machine. “I need to get inside Miss Diamond’s office real quick.”
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
30: “Big Daddy. The Professor. You were one of the companions!”
Did you know that the Professor wouldn’t loot corpses?
taters, but I’m no doctor. Then there was the Professor. Tenpony mare, so she was
For a time, it was me and the Professor, but eventually she settled down.”
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
31: “The only time close matters is horseshoes, hand grenades, and balefire bombs…” I muttered.
"hand grenades"
suddenly, he was gone as the Paladin gave the thrashing fireball a kick into another buck.
"Paladin" shouldn't be capitalized.
I looked up in time to see another one charge the Paladin, but with his astonishing grace and
"Paladin" shouldn't be capitalized.
The “Star Paladin” armor was even more fancily decorated than his own, but with silver scrollwork.
I don't think "Star Paladin" should be capitalized, but you may want to double check with S.C., or just change to "The star paladin's armor was . . . "
Then a rumbling crash grew louder and louder as the roar became a growing scream from the north east.
"northeast"
Laying on the pedestal was a split-open shell of a Silver Bullet.
"lying"; "silver bullet" shouldn't be capitalized.
justice by our Elder for attempting to place explosives upon my person!
"Elder" shouldn't be capitalized.
How many times the Elder has refused to allow me
"Elder" shouldn't be capitalized.
Stronghoof told us that your Elders believe that.”
"Elders" shouldn't be capitalized.
“The Elder believes that the Reapers started this war and so it must be fought,
"Elder" shouldn't be capitalized.
“But you can bet Steel Rain won’t just let us meet with the Elder,” Glory chipped in.
"Elder" shouldn't be capitalized.
“No idea. The Professor said that this place was involved with the O.I.A.”
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
33: I don’t know if that’s from the taint or the cancer, but after firing that last Silver Bullet…
"Silver bullet" shouldn't be capitalized.
“You… you saved us all. The Professor… my family… all of us,” Capri said amid the splashing.
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
34: A picture of one of the Silver Bullet cases flashed onto the projection screen.
"Silver bullet" shouldn't be capitalized.
The Professor didn’t look at me, keeping her eyes on the projection.
Pieces of Deus. Pieces of the Professor. “Is there anything left
“The Professor… Glory… my friends… everypony… they all think I’m special.
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
35: Maybe I could find another Silver Bullet and pay the Goddess a visit... but... what would that do to Lacunae?
"Silver bullet" shouldn't be capitalized.
“I look forward to hearing all about it when you get back,” the Professor said as the camera turned to face me.
But the Twilight Society helped bring me back… they could have told Glory and the Professor to piss off.
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
37: Theoretically, I knew where Hippocratic Research was from the tag the Professor had given me.
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
38: I wondered if the Professor had done something with my ears, too;
Something else the Professor hadn’t told me about, I guessed.
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
39: Maybe the Professor had given me special lungs to breathe water and hadn’t told me?
The Professor hadn’t mentioned any of this!
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
41: I blinked as Lacunae floated a small hand mirror in front of me.
"hand mirror"
42: Right now, if the Professor had given me some kind of killer beam eyes and didn’t tell me, it’d be the perfect time for them to pop out.
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
43: The gray mare nodded. I knew the Professor had done it once... “You mean somepony
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
44: Theoretically, I might live for centuries; the Professor had. But what about relationships?
I wouldn’t even have a chance to tell the Professor what I’d done.
my cyberization. The Professor hadn’t mentioned anything about them, but there were
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
47: If the Professor could have just kept her own, she could have been a pony again!
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
48: He levitated the bones to the side and looked at the nametag.
"name tag"
49: They have all the Steelpony files, too, from the Professor.”
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
50: “Um, Charity... She has a lot of good ideas for helping Chapel.” I repeated with emphasis.
Should have second space after ellipsis or no capitalization of "she," and the first period should be a comma.
52: A speaker beside the metal drum holding the Professor’s head crackled, “At
“Are you certain Blackjack can’t handle the knowledge?” the Professor asked. “She seemed remarkably resilient.”
“What is the test that is being considered?” the Professor asked.
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
57: He paused, then added, “The Professor is back. Or her brain, in any case.
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
60: “It’s short for ‘Legerdemain’. A fancy griffin term for ‘sleight of hand’. Or claw, as the case may be.”
"sleight of hand," especially since you call out "claw" as the specific case.
- Editing:
- I’ve dealt with a few monsters before.
I think that the tense might work better as "I'[ha]d dealt," such that the supporting verb is in the past tense and the compound more specifically covers the time up until she saw the choir, rather than the time up until she relates the story.
between the equipment. Meaty appendages
Three spaces after the period.
I wanted Glory… Sweet Celestia… I needed Glory to tell me it was going to be all right.
At a guess, I'd say that the spacing here is right but "sweet" shouldn't be capitalized. Otherwise, second space needed after the first ellipsis, and probably after the second.
I don’t think I would ever stop.
This feels like another weird tense case, with "do" in the present tense as-is. Maybe "didn't think" or "doubted" or something? I'll confess, trying to determine the ideal tense of some of the more analytical narration sometimes throws me for a bit of a loop.
There were veins running along the deformed metal and around the equipment. It pulsed as the lips slowly moved on their own.
Is "it" referring to the metal/equipment or the veins (I think the veins make more sense in context)? If it is the veins, "it" should be "they."
near the pedestal. “A box came with
Three spaces after the period.
“Blackjack, we need to get out of here… Please, let’s get out of here.”
Should have second space after the ellipsis.
The Silver Bullet came out and was placed on the warped pedestal.
Silver bullet capitalization.
“Freeze… cold… so cold.” a blue pair of lips muttered before
Period should be comma.
I prayed that I was only imagining it…. moving.
Ellipsis should be only three dots.
I croaked as the Silver Bullet was cracked open.
Silver bullet capitalization.
Melted like this room. Scalpel had detected
Only one space after the period.
and will be undone. She is not a true
Three spaces after the period.
Glory’s waiting!” Rampage yelled in my
Should only have one space after the quotation.
sang the melody that I’d been playing. Dozens of
Only one space after the period.
Then she turned to the room and said grandly. “Okay, every
Period should be a comma, and followed by only one space.
then let out all at once. The pressure wave knocked me over,
Three spaces after the period.
Fortunately, the fire didn’t go much further than that.
As a literal distance, this be replaced with "farther" for greater precision.
showing through. “Ugh… hate fire,”
Only one space after the period.
After dealing with that… choir… thing… what I’d felt
Should have only one space after the second ellipsis.
At the sight of Rampage and I, Glory started towards me, but I warded her off with an upraised hoof.
The "I" is Blackjack's narrative voice, not meant to be correct, right?
then unsealed the suit. Her eyes widened
Three spaces after the period.
‘Thank you, Hoofington,’ I thought as I finished washing myself.
The opening quotation mark isn't italicized.
I’d honestly preferred running from Deus.
I'm not sure the "had" is appropriate there, since at the time she couldn't prefer that to the experience of dying of cancer, which she didn't yet know.
It wasn’t that far from Horizon Labs to the Ironmare naval base;
Ironmare naval base capitalization.
The rangers hadn’t even bothered to loot the bodies.
I believe "rangers" should be capitalized.
P-21 went about that job. My shotgun had gotten cooked,
Three spaces after the period.
left with Vigilance and Taurus’ rifle
"Taurus's"
Hopefully nopony would wonder why she was half again taller than Rampage!
It may just be my ignorance, but I'm only aware of the idiom in the form "half again as tall."
The Goddess was clearly ignoring us, given that there wasn’t a single telepathic mutter about the indignity of the her hiding her wings.
"of hiding her" or
"of her hiding her" or
"of the hiding of her"
The blue bars a small family making their way towards us
"The blue bars were a small"
I looked past to where the family was creeping out of sight into the ruins as more rangers approached.
I believe "rangers" should be capitalized.
based off an early model of the IF-86….
Ellipsis should only have three dots.
Useful against bloodwings, manticores, crawlers and goyles.
Should have serial comma after "crawlers." Should there be an apostrophe at the start of "goyles"?
“Paladin Bombs!” I said with a grin;
Should have only one space after the quotation.
“As you can see, the Star Paladin has ordered you and your friends to be killed on sight.”
"Star paladin" should not be capitalized.
I was hoping you could introduce me to your Elder.”
I fear that, until you get to the Elder, you won’t find any friends aboard the Celestia.”
Give yourself up to him and request to see the Elder.
I fear that the Elder may do something drastic to end the war.”
"Elder" shouldn't be capitalized.
The Goddess….I…
First ellipsis should have only three dots, and be followed by a space.
we were collecting Radigator eggs.
"Radigator" shouldn't be capitalized.
He looked in the direction the Paladin had gone.
"Paladin" shouldn't be capitalized.
They think that they have a Goddess-given right to take whatever tech they like.
Perhaps change to "Goddesses"? It works grammatically, but I'd think that people would be careful on the distinction given the unpopularity of the Goddess.
The Professor extracted it and got it working.
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
Dawn wanted to give the water away. The professor wanted
Three spaces after the period.
1 rad per second.
"One" should probably be written out ("twenty rads" was earlier, for example).
glaring up at the rain. Of course
I said as I checked my navigation. “This is a great big blasted
Only one space after the period.
“Glory, Go bring her back.
"Go" shouldn't be capitalized.
She looked at Lacunae and me and grit her teeth. “Fuck… not again. Is Scotch okay?”
“Scotch Tape is okay. Pissed with me… but she didn’t see that.” Lacunae was using her cheating alicorn powers to slowly regenerate while she pointed her horn to the cuts in my limbs to heal them.
Could there be smething directly indicating it's Blackjack talking about Scotch being pissed at her (e.g. " '. . .' I said as Lacunae . . . ")? The fact that a point was made of Rampage turning to Lacunae before asking the question, and that after the response Lacunae's actions are being described, confused me a little before I realized it was Blackjack talking.
And if I hurt… well, its just a little tipping of the scales to make things square.
"it's"
It might have been a handgun, but I’d do my best to give whatever Rangers I came across a break.
"handgun" replacement?
and grabbed one switch. It clicked into place with a loud electric buzz. Then the second switch and with it another buzz. Then a third pair.
There was no mention of pairs of switches before the third in the series, and only two switches before it. Should it be "then a third [switch]," or maybe "then a second pair"?
There was spark of wires coincident with the beep of the computer,
"There was a spark"?
I blasted automatic bursts at the first of the undead ponies that charged; the alternating armor piercing and explosive rounds chewing great gooey rents in them.
Semicolon to comma or "chewing" to "chewed."
Even Scotch joined in the battle, laying on her stomach as she fired at any ghoul that got too close to Lacunae.
I believe that should be "lying."
“You shall never make me abandon my post!” The unicorn screamed as we fanned out.
I believe this should only have one space after the quotation and no capitalization of the "the."
placing a queen of hearts on her still glowing side.
I spotted one still glowing chunk.
"still-glowing"? You use the "still-x"
A little square appeared around the nametag in my vision
"name tag"
so where do you want to go now?” I asked as I tapped the
Should have only one space after the quotation.
“Ew… gross, Blackjack… and everypony thinks I’m the filly.”
Only need one space after second ellipsis.
A huge faded mural of Applejack in a sailor’s outfit saluted us all over the motto ‘Victory through blood, sweat, and tears.’
Period to outside of quotation marks?
What is the plan if the Elder says ‘thank you for your concern; now I’m going to shoot you anyway?’
"Elder" shouldn't be capitalized, question mark should be outside of the quotation marks.
but the words got the reaction I wanted. He immediately looked
didn’t have a grenade or something hidden in there. Really, what
were they expecting? Given that my busted
Only one space after the period, question mark.
After that, the armored ranger fell in behind us while Chief Acolyte Strike trotted in front.
"Ranger" should be capitalized.
And then...I gaped as I saw one of the rear turret’s cannon barrels slowly elevate.
Space needed after ellipsis.
We fixed Turret Three months ago. Of course, the Elder
Only one space after period, "elder" shouldn't be capitalized.
The Elder is growing to appreciate that fact,”
“And the Elder would agree with you as well.
"Elder" shouldn't be capitalized.
half the size of the Celestia. It was flying a flag showing
her back here. Once we’ve wrapped things up,
Only one space after the period.
Things were rapidly veering towards Plan: ‘Blackjack does something incredibly stupid and violent.’
Period to outside of quotation marks, I think.
I suppose the Elder will let the crew go and shoot the captain.
"Elder" shouldn't be capitalized.
“So… going to tell the elder straight away?” I asked him.
Should have only one space after the quotation.
“If you want to know where my stable is… a nice, fully-operational Stable… you’ll inform her before you start firing that gun,”
"Stable" shouldn't be capitalized.
Are you all right?” Oilcan asked as the
Where’s Captain Thrush?” I asked.
Should have only one space after the quotation.
She’s in a bad way though.
"She’s in a bad way, though."
“Blackjack…” came Pisces’ whimper.
"Pisces's"
Their scales were cracked and flaking, their skin split and bleeding Their fins had
Period needed after "bleeding."
‘Cause I have no idea what a Steel Ranger Elder looks like.”
I think "elder" shouldn't be capitalized here, but this is one that you might want to run by S.C.
‘STLBCKACC?’ ‘PRTENGNAV?’ ‘RVTEXTBST?’
Question marks to outside of quotation marks.
I caught the swirl of red robes as the Chief Acolyte paced back and forth.
"Chief acolyte" shouldn't be capitalized.
and Rampage’s ears perked as the Star Paladin entered.
"Star paladin" shouldn't be capitalized.
Offered me the location of a stable to speak to the Elder.”
"Elder" shouldn't be capitalized.
What good are Oaths these days? We swear to
"Oath" shouldn't be capitalized, only one space after the question mark.
“But the Elder…”
"Elder" shouldn't be capitalized.
“Get out of the way!” I screamed as I ran,
Should have only one space after the quotation.
Far off, a flower of flame bloomed to the south west.
"southwest"
“Did you hear that?” Steel Rain’s voice boomed from his armor
I believe there should only be one space after this quotation.
Why waste it on filth like that?” He said as the rain
Should have only one space after the quotation, "he" shouldn't be capitalized.
more Rangers turning to face the Elder.
The Elder glanced at me, her sour expression softening a touch.
"Elder" shouldn't be capitalized.
Nopony moved. Then one armored pony
Only one space after the period.
“So be it,” The elder said softly.
"The" shouldn't be capitalized.
and a bolt of lightning blasted out. A ranger leapt in its path,
Only one space after the period, "Ranger" should be capitalized.
Out came my assault rifle as the other rangers realized I was still a threat,
"Rangers" should be capitalized.
The Star Paladin appeared to have taken a personal dislike towards me,
"Star Paladin" shouldn't be capitalized.
Well… This was
Should have second space after ellipsis.
against my skin by the magic. Only the magic fields
Only one space after the period.
I was surprised to see Napalm Strike fighting alongside the elder, the orange unicorn conjuring up sheets of flame and exploding blasts of fire. The elder had been wounded and was being dragged back.
This may not be the right place to use "the [color] [race]"; both of them are orange unicorns.
Steel Rangers hitting on Alicorns.
"Alicorns" shouldn't be capitalized.
I’d give him EC-1101 and tell the Elder that Big Daddy planned to turn her into a hat if I had to.
"Elder" shouldn't be capitalized.
Icy Shake- Alicorn
- Posts : 1209
Brohoof! : 308
Join date : 2012-06-05
Age : 35
Location : Boston, MA
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Nov 25, 2013 3:59 am
Ah, thank you very much as always.Icy Shake wrote:Somber: I echo everyone else on this. Take your time, try to handle real life as best you can, and don't worry about writing if you don't have the time or everything else is too much or if it just makes you feel worse. We love your work, but we care about you more.
Swicked: I loved that comic you posted a while back on the fan art thread. It gets me laughing every time I see it (I'm glad I can enjoy satire of thinks I like), and motivated me to read the Whomp's archives, and I think I'm going to be following it going forward.
O. Hinds: I'm sorry for the bad formatting last week; I just didn't know what to do about those cases where there were different usages, but neither of them really wrong. And you're right: putting it all in a section marked as just one chapter was a bad idea. Hopefully I got it better this time.
Well, so far this weekend I've seen the season four opener and read chapter thirty two and greatly enjoyed both. Next up comes the Doctor Who fiftieth anniversary thing. I hope I like it as much.
Oh, and four words, fifteen letters: "Get me the whiskey."
- Chapter Thirty Two Stuff:
- Overall Thoughts:
Scotch Tape is another high point of the chapter, her frustration with not remember leading to a talk with Blackjack that has her overflow with anger and set off the Angel. I'm somewhat surprised at how readily she warmed to Blackjack, though, but it's probably better that way than having her still extremely angry going into 33. The way BJ had her help out remotely was also good.
I think I've come to realize one of the things that I like about Stronghoof: it's that he is literally too good for his world—he doesn't just belong in a different story, but an entirely different setting and genre. It's like the perfect White Knight wandered onto the wrong set, and stuck around being awesome because none of the other actors or the director told him to leave.
I think that one of the other great things is how well the planning worked out; the surrender mostly worked, and even as they moved through Plans B through D, it felt like they knew what they were doing about as well as could be hoped given their intel going in. The radio trick was nice, and you know what? You can't blame the fact that the reveal led to a mutiny rather than the arrest of Steel Rain on Blackjack and crew. And even there, there was the escape plan which got everyone but her out early in the fighting.
Sadly, Rampage will be sad over Folly being fired (again!) while not pointed at her.
Oh, and I should mention that description porn is abundant in the early parts of the chapter, in particular. There's some great work most notably with the Choir and Blackjack's body, now made of cancer. On that note, it's remarkable how well Glory (and everyone, really, but her especially) handles this, with great kindness and pity but no real indication of disgust, even as Blackjack truly comes to hade what her body's become.
- Running Thoughts:
Let's go!
The walls, floor, ceiling... everything was moving. It was impossible to tell where metal ended and flesh began. Eyes were bulging. Mouths were opened in one long scream. There were organs between the equipment. Meaty appendages… intestines… I clutched my stomach as I backed away. I felt… it felt like my insides were moving! Like my tainted guts were trying to crawl right out my throat! I fought for one moment and then puked on the inside of my helmet. It wasn’t bad compared to what followed at the other end.
And worst of all, I wanted to join that scream. It scratched at my throat.
I think that this struck a delicate balance. The first few sentences were highly descriptive, but left the external scene far from fully-defined, as suggested by transition from scenery description to focusing on Blackjack's reaction via her trailing off without a real indication that she was done: "Meaty appendages… intestines… I clutched my stomach as I backed away." One of the things I really like is how despite the change in focus, the vividness is conserved, first directed at her physical responses—which, as unpleasant as they are, are not as unsettling as what comes next—and then the mental or psychological, with her urge to join the scream.
"Then things got worse."
It might be early, but this is going to be my baseline for judging other lines in this chapter as representative of the story as a whole.
“Why?” snickered a mare’s mouth. “She’s so close to us already. She’s singing parts herself. We’ve heard her.”
Ah, the move from fear of what might happen to that of what might already have. The "one of us" moment works particularly well with a viewpoint character already uncertain of herself and full of doubts about whether and how she's changed.
Chills, by the way.
A small hole pierced through the shell to the small compartment, most of which was taken up by a strange, glowing hexagonal piece of crystalline stone that the robot arm’s saw hadn’t been able to cut through.
Okay, I believe this is the introduction to the moonstone, and reveals it as both strong (but not necessarily as strong as starmetal, as that could be an ordinary saw) and unaffected by the Eater's note.
I’d been killing myself with every shot of the superweapon.
No, not killing myself. Turning myself into… this. The room muttered, giggled, and laughed softly.
Well, not exactly, or not necessarily. But now the shoe's dropped, and the full impact of her "singing parts herself" has been brought to bear.
I knew I’d seen that odd glowing gem before somewhere...
Oh, right. The museum, I think? So this wasn't the introduction, but the first indication that it's more than just a type of stone.
“That rock… of a lesser song. The metal… of a greater glory! The potion… the ichor of the meddler… a neutral buffer to separate the two,” the mouths muttered in unison. “Sing with us. Sing your screams with us! The other cannot join. She is of a false unity. But you can be together with us!”
Very well spelled out, actually, if seemingly cryptic for lack of necessary context. And why would they provide that context, when they have lived it, when it has been their very existence, for two centuries?
“We are, but trapped in flesh. Kept apart. We will join it in time. We were the latest to join the greater choir in such a long time. The greater song,” they murmured in unison. “Let us sing for you.” And one began to scream. Then another. And another. Their screams blended together, one building on the next in a singular note. A note that grew and grew; and I was singing with it… not through my lips.
No… it was coming from inside my chest. I was going to sing with it too, till there was nothing left but that song.
There really is a depth of foreshadowing here, which will probably serve well in tying the celestial events at the start of thirty four to the earthly realm of Equestria and the wasteland.
Her tissue looked mottled and knotted, even scaly... and there was a wing forcing itself out of her shoulder through a gap in her armor. As I watched, a small horn was twisting slowly out the side of her head.
Whoa! I forgot that happening! Also ties to the Goddess and Unity, since I don't believe Blackjack yet knew of the details of their formation.
One showed the wall chewing Pickets… oh Celestia… were those teeth I felt working on the ends of my limbs? Chewing through the suit? I blasted with the shotgun, wishing I’d loaded incendiary rounds.
And here we have an appropriate and proportional desire to use fire as a weapon, even knowing that the person considering it is horrified by people burning: the fire is probably necessary, not merely a useful addition or side effect. What's more, you can make the case that, at least to Blackjack, the target isn't really a person at all, and not in some kind of rhetorical sense like "slavers aren't people" or some such.
[the hymn to Celestia and Luna]
As I watched, the flesh seemed to be driven away. The eyes clenched in pain as the pulse fluctuated wildly. Rainbow ichor burst from some of the veins as the room reacted horribly to the swelling hymn to two princesses now long parted from this world. I might not have been able to believe in goddesses any more, but I could believe in beauty, kindness, and harmony.
So, first of all, I like the song, and would like to hear it sung at some point. Next, it's a great example of the protagonist winning through means other than violence. Lastly, the sentiment is itself beautiful, and one of the things I love about Blackjack.
Not peace from violence, but peace from this horror. I slowly stepped towards the wall. “I’m sorry,” I murmured as I looked at those bright and pained eyes. “I don’t know how to help you…”
“You have,” a mare said quietly as the rest hummed the melody. “You have, so much. You reminded us of what we were… what we should be.”
Perhaps it's just because of the high concentration of Star Wars in recent chapters, but this is highly reminiscent of the death of Vader, if perhaps spelled out more directly.
“You can,” a buck said softly. “In the storeroom next door… there are chemicals. Benzene. Ethanol and methanol. Hydrogen and oxygen talismans. Acetone. Toluene. Spill them… ignite them. Don’t let us go back to… to what we were.” The lips trembled and it whimpered softly. “We’re so tired of screaming.”
And it's also drawn back around to parallel two of her great regrets: the forty two children and Stable 99. But this time, there need be no guilt or doubt. It's probably wrong to draw too strong a tie, to directly justify them as unambiguously right not only in general but for those who were killed, but the reminder that, perhaps, if they could have been given a moment as who they were before going crazy, that they might say they wouldn't want to live as they were could be some small comfort.
Structurally, I'd also note that these are fairly evenly spaced, from 6 to 22 to 31, with a clear progression from a group that could potentially be saved, in time, to one that would almost surely die before a cure could be developed (and would do immense harm along the way), to one that explicitly wishes not to return to the state Blackjack found it in.
It wasn’t very big… about the same size as my hor-- as a shotgun shell.
Well, I guess that gives a decent idea of the size of her horn (and an upper limit on Stronghoof's), but even so there are many different sizes of shotgun cartridges. So, for length, probably between 2.25" and 3", perhaps as long as 3.5" if she was thinking about newer, longer 12-gauge shells.
“I was a little occupied, but I promise… the next time I fire a super taint-ridden weapon of mass destruction, I will make sure that you are in the line of fire.”
+1 promise Blackjack doesn't keep.
“Long story short… bad stuff happened. Really. Not fun. You didn’t miss much,” I said, but she hardly looked satisfied. Okay… something to deal with later.
And we're making the same mistake again. It's not something that should be dealt with later, BJ. It's something you should get out there now. But it's good to see Scotch pressing this.
And I smiled as I tapped the stone to the side of the bullet.
Then it exploded. Of course it exploded!
Yep, there's the reaction. Not as controlled a situation as at the house with Stygius, but still a pretty clear indication.
“How the hell does this bullet have a stone inside if they explode on contact?” I asked as I put the bullet back in its case. I didn’t want to set the damned thing off just by touching one to the other!
“Perhaps the taint solution within acts as a neutral buffer? If they cannot come in contact with each other, they cannot react,” offered Lacunae. It was the best suggestion I could think of.
I suppose I can excuse you not processing what the Choir was saying about the ichor of the meddler acting as a buffer. You were preoccupied at the time.
I could see Folly on a tank or as some power armor gun, but it was a pistol! Had Trottenheimer been exceptionally poorly endowed or something?
Great line right there. But perhaps the girl with severe horn envy shouldn't be talking.
Suddenly, I became aware of everypony staring at me. Only Glory was actually looking… but the rest had obviously just found other things to stare at while they paid attention to my tumors. I felt... ugly. Unclean… worse than just the mess I’d made of myself. I was suddenly aware of how slat-sided I’d become; I was still eating, but it seemed like all the food was going somewhere else. I felt like I was becoming something less than a pony and more like those poor creatures in the lab. I pulled my security barding into place and strapped it down over my braces, keeping my eyes low. Don’t look at me. Please don’t look at me…
This hurt to read. Not that the writing is bad, but, well, mirror neurons can be a bitch.
I needed to keep going. I’d fall apart if I simply stopped and let everything catch up with me.
Also good, but I'm not sure if it beats "Then things got worse."
“You’re either crazy or stupid…” Shrapnel muttered.
Those are not mutually exclusive propositions.
“You think I’m going to kill Security?” Crumpets replied. She turned, and her weapons clicked. “You cowardly, dishonorable, contemptible, callow slattern; I would sooner shoot a despicable fiend such as yourself than ever dare train my bullets on a hero who has bled so much for so many others!”
You're pretty awesome, Crumpets. It's too bad you're probably going to be killed for that in a ridiculously short time.
Or, I guess, the calvalry arrives, headed by the incomparable Stronghoof. I can get behind that.
“Please… glorious lady… will you accept my humble apologies for the indignity that I performed upon you? To mar your beautiful throat with such an ugly device is a sin that weighs heavily upon my conscience! Never before have I seen such an expression of perfection, grace, dignity, or humility as yourself!”
So . . . much . . . ham. I love it.
Also, has anyone written stories about Stronghoof's adventures before coming to Hoofington, or in the gaps between the war and the gala? I mean, I know that it's the point, but he feels like he should be a knight in shining armor (check) travelling around a classical fairy tail setting righting wrongs and winning the heart of his lady through great deeds, not living in the gray and grey world of FoE and trying to do his best within the bounds of his organization, but I guess that's part of his charm and, for that matter, that of Armstrong, too. They just don't belong in their settings, but are all the better for it.
She was bringing this up now? I sighed. Of course she was. Because I made a mistake. And because it bothered her. And because I was the only one who would tell her...
And because you didn't tell her earlier, when it would have been a better time.
Wasn’t this whole thing supposed to be some kind of stealth mission? Hadn’t that been part of the plan?! I’m pretty sure that getting hated by a filly and attacked by a friend didn’t belong in a stealth mission!
I was thinking that myself. But oh, Scotch's reaction. It's been building for a while, and I can't say it's unexpected or wholly inappropriate. Of course, if Blackjack had handled delivering the news better, perhaps it wouldn't have been so bad, even beyond the fact it wouldn't be in a battle situation.
Also, I can't shake the feeling that it was done here as setup for the Seahorse. . .
I loved the dissolution of the group and P-21's breakdown. Blackjack's rebuttal was great, especially her recitation of Watcher's advice to her on dealing with her wrongs.
When we moved on to the medical room, I took an opportunity to oil and service the weapon as well as I could.
*snerk*
“Could we please cut out the lesbian sexcapade chitchat while walking towards an enemy that wants to kill us?” P-21 said tersely, his already bristly mane frizzing even more.
P-21, keeping things in line. It must suck, being one of the designated straight men of this group. Great line, though.
We stepped into view of ten or so unicorns handling all kinds of strange techy equipment while fixing up suits of power armor. They all froze at the sight of us. “Hi. I’m Security. I’m looking for Napalm Strike?”
Cue preemptive surrender to the lady trying to surrender to them?
I guess not.
“Down,” he directed as we crossed a pegasus landing pad at the rear and clattered down some narrow stairs. I had to wonder if Rangers could even wear power armor in these tight confines! After that, we went down more stairs…. and more stairs… and incidentally did I mention I didn’t like stairs?
So, the H.M.S. Celestia was designed by King Sombra. Good to know.
Pisces and Capricorn lay on the floor. Their scales were cracked and flaking, their skin split and bleeding Their fins had dried out and stuck to the floor. Capri was unconscious, maybe dead. The pink seapony was partially glued to her sister. They needed water, badly, and whatever pony had thrown them in here like this needed to die.
Not as bad as the description of Blackjack earlier, but still pretty harsh.
- Editing:
Silver Bullet capitalization is mixed.
Ironmare naval base (station) capitalization mixed.
professor, (star) paladin, elder getting rank treatment for capitalization
5: I passed by ammo crates with handgun, shotgun, and rifle ammunition.
Maybe replace "handgun"
8: Steel Rangers have the Ironmare naval station.
The name appears to be "Ironmare Naval Base," so the capitalization here may be fine if you figure the name isn't being used, but I thought it might be worth mentioning just in case.
18: “Unless there are healing hand grenades in there, I don’t think close counts,” I said with a sigh, sliding the box over to him.
"hand grenades"
25: around the city, and the Professor established the Eggheads
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
27: Be glad the Professor likes you.
Went right to the Professor,” Triage said as
Fortunately, the Professor agreed.
I’ll just let you know that the Professor wants to talk with you before you go.
Speaking of which, the Professor wants to make sure
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
28: Once my friend was okay, you might have pointed out that I needed to talk to the Professor.
The Professor rolled her eyes. “Blackjack, do you know how much success
Equestria and Spike. The Professor, using more robots, had brought drinks and snacks,
The Professor chuckled softly. “Oh, Goldenblood was a sneaky bastard,
The Professor shrugged. “They were used to
Without Glory’s suffering and the Zodiacs and the Professor to distract me,
way around,” the Professor replied softly. “Many ponies
Hoofington University.” Suddenly, the Professor’s image dissolved and the air overhead filled
even offered a comforting hug. The Professor maintained her composure as she
The Professor shrugged. “Goldenblood was related to royalty.
The Professor coughed delicately.
He was the one who told the Professor about us being in Awesome’s menagerie.
“Sagi’s idea. He heard that the Professor needed it really badly.”
That lined up with what I’d heard from the Professor herself.
“But… if you did decide to help the Professor…”
Lacunae was meeting with the Professor. That left me and Glory with
“Maybe the Professor could do… something?”
The Professor shook her head with a small smile.
I guilt tripped him about almost killing you when you were going to do so much for the Professor, so he dropped it.”
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
29: Like the Star Paladin says, it’s our duty to safeguard the technology of the kingdom.
"Star paladin" shouldn't be capitalized.
So she was a projection too, like the Professor, only a machine. “I need to get inside Miss Diamond’s office real quick.”
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
30: “Big Daddy. The Professor. You were one of the companions!”
Did you know that the Professor wouldn’t loot corpses?
taters, but I’m no doctor. Then there was the Professor. Tenpony mare, so she was
For a time, it was me and the Professor, but eventually she settled down.”
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
31: “The only time close matters is horseshoes, hand grenades, and balefire bombs…” I muttered.
"hand grenades"
suddenly, he was gone as the Paladin gave the thrashing fireball a kick into another buck.
"Paladin" shouldn't be capitalized.
I looked up in time to see another one charge the Paladin, but with his astonishing grace and
"Paladin" shouldn't be capitalized.
The “Star Paladin” armor was even more fancily decorated than his own, but with silver scrollwork.
I don't think "Star Paladin" should be capitalized, but you may want to double check with S.C., or just change to "The star paladin's armor was . . . "
Then a rumbling crash grew louder and louder as the roar became a growing scream from the north east.
"northeast"
Laying on the pedestal was a split-open shell of a Silver Bullet.
"lying"; "silver bullet" shouldn't be capitalized.
justice by our Elder for attempting to place explosives upon my person!
"Elder" shouldn't be capitalized.
How many times the Elder has refused to allow me
"Elder" shouldn't be capitalized.
Stronghoof told us that your Elders believe that.”
"Elders" shouldn't be capitalized.
“The Elder believes that the Reapers started this war and so it must be fought,
"Elder" shouldn't be capitalized.
“But you can bet Steel Rain won’t just let us meet with the Elder,” Glory chipped in.
"Elder" shouldn't be capitalized.
“No idea. The Professor said that this place was involved with the O.I.A.”
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
33: I don’t know if that’s from the taint or the cancer, but after firing that last Silver Bullet…
"Silver bullet" shouldn't be capitalized.
“You… you saved us all. The Professor… my family… all of us,” Capri said amid the splashing.
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
34: A picture of one of the Silver Bullet cases flashed onto the projection screen.
"Silver bullet" shouldn't be capitalized.
The Professor didn’t look at me, keeping her eyes on the projection.
Pieces of Deus. Pieces of the Professor. “Is there anything left
“The Professor… Glory… my friends… everypony… they all think I’m special.
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
35: Maybe I could find another Silver Bullet and pay the Goddess a visit... but... what would that do to Lacunae?
"Silver bullet" shouldn't be capitalized.
“I look forward to hearing all about it when you get back,” the Professor said as the camera turned to face me.
But the Twilight Society helped bring me back… they could have told Glory and the Professor to piss off.
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
37: Theoretically, I knew where Hippocratic Research was from the tag the Professor had given me.
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
38: I wondered if the Professor had done something with my ears, too;
Something else the Professor hadn’t told me about, I guessed.
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
39: Maybe the Professor had given me special lungs to breathe water and hadn’t told me?
The Professor hadn’t mentioned any of this!
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
41: I blinked as Lacunae floated a small hand mirror in front of me.
"hand mirror"
42: Right now, if the Professor had given me some kind of killer beam eyes and didn’t tell me, it’d be the perfect time for them to pop out.
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
43: The gray mare nodded. I knew the Professor had done it once... “You mean somepony
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
44: Theoretically, I might live for centuries; the Professor had. But what about relationships?
I wouldn’t even have a chance to tell the Professor what I’d done.
my cyberization. The Professor hadn’t mentioned anything about them, but there were
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
47: If the Professor could have just kept her own, she could have been a pony again!
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
48: He levitated the bones to the side and looked at the nametag.
"name tag"
49: They have all the Steelpony files, too, from the Professor.”
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
50: “Um, Charity... She has a lot of good ideas for helping Chapel.” I repeated with emphasis.
Should have second space after ellipsis or no capitalization of "she," and the first period should be a comma.
52: A speaker beside the metal drum holding the Professor’s head crackled, “At
“Are you certain Blackjack can’t handle the knowledge?” the Professor asked. “She seemed remarkably resilient.”
“What is the test that is being considered?” the Professor asked.
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
57: He paused, then added, “The Professor is back. Or her brain, in any case.
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
60: “It’s short for ‘Legerdemain’. A fancy griffin term for ‘sleight of hand’. Or claw, as the case may be.”
"sleight of hand," especially since you call out "claw" as the specific case.
- Editing:
I think that the tense might work better as "I'[ha]d dealt," such that the supporting verb is in the past tense and the compound more specifically covers the time up until she saw the choir, rather than the time up until she relates the story.
between the equipment. Meaty appendages
Three spaces after the period.
I wanted Glory… Sweet Celestia… I needed Glory to tell me it was going to be all right.
At a guess, I'd say that the spacing here is right but "sweet" shouldn't be capitalized. Otherwise, second space needed after the first ellipsis, and probably after the second.
I don’t think I would ever stop.
This feels like another weird tense case, with "do" in the present tense as-is. Maybe "didn't think" or "doubted" or something? I'll confess, trying to determine the ideal tense of some of the more analytical narration sometimes throws me for a bit of a loop.
There were veins running along the deformed metal and around the equipment. It pulsed as the lips slowly moved on their own.
Is "it" referring to the metal/equipment or the veins (I think the veins make more sense in context)? If it is the veins, "it" should be "they."
near the pedestal. “A box came with
Three spaces after the period.
“Blackjack, we need to get out of here… Please, let’s get out of here.”
Should have second space after the ellipsis.
The Silver Bullet came out and was placed on the warped pedestal.
Silver bullet capitalization.
“Freeze… cold… so cold.” a blue pair of lips muttered before
Period should be comma.
I prayed that I was only imagining it…. moving.
Ellipsis should be only three dots.
I croaked as the Silver Bullet was cracked open.
Silver bullet capitalization.
Melted like this room. Scalpel had detected
Only one space after the period.
and will be undone. She is not a true
Three spaces after the period.
Glory’s waiting!” Rampage yelled in my
Should only have one space after the quotation.
sang the melody that I’d been playing. Dozens of
Only one space after the period.
Then she turned to the room and said grandly. “Okay, every
Period should be a comma, and followed by only one space.
then let out all at once. The pressure wave knocked me over,
Three spaces after the period.
Fortunately, the fire didn’t go much further than that.
As a literal distance, this be replaced with "farther" for greater precision.
showing through. “Ugh… hate fire,”
Only one space after the period.
After dealing with that… choir… thing… what I’d felt
Should have only one space after the second ellipsis.
At the sight of Rampage and I, Glory started towards me, but I warded her off with an upraised hoof.
The "I" is Blackjack's narrative voice, not meant to be correct, right?
then unsealed the suit. Her eyes widened
Three spaces after the period.
‘Thank you, Hoofington,’ I thought as I finished washing myself.
The opening quotation mark isn't italicized.
I’d honestly preferred running from Deus.
I'm not sure the "had" is appropriate there, since at the time she couldn't prefer that to the experience of dying of cancer, which she didn't yet know.
It wasn’t that far from Horizon Labs to the Ironmare naval base;
Ironmare naval base capitalization.
The rangers hadn’t even bothered to loot the bodies.
I believe "rangers" should be capitalized.
P-21 went about that job. My shotgun had gotten cooked,
Three spaces after the period.
left with Vigilance and Taurus’ rifle
"Taurus's"
Hopefully nopony would wonder why she was half again taller than Rampage!
It may just be my ignorance, but I'm only aware of the idiom in the form "half again as tall."
The Goddess was clearly ignoring us, given that there wasn’t a single telepathic mutter about the indignity of the her hiding her wings.
"of hiding her" or
"of her hiding her" or
"of the hiding of her"
The blue bars a small family making their way towards us
"The blue bars were a small"
I looked past to where the family was creeping out of sight into the ruins as more rangers approached.
I believe "rangers" should be capitalized.
based off an early model of the IF-86….
Ellipsis should only have three dots.
Useful against bloodwings, manticores, crawlers and goyles.
Should have serial comma after "crawlers." Should there be an apostrophe at the start of "goyles"?
“Paladin Bombs!” I said with a grin;
Should have only one space after the quotation.
“As you can see, the Star Paladin has ordered you and your friends to be killed on sight.”
"Star paladin" should not be capitalized.
I was hoping you could introduce me to your Elder.”
I fear that, until you get to the Elder, you won’t find any friends aboard the Celestia.”
Give yourself up to him and request to see the Elder.
I fear that the Elder may do something drastic to end the war.”
"Elder" shouldn't be capitalized.
The Goddess….I…
First ellipsis should have only three dots, and be followed by a space.
we were collecting Radigator eggs.
"Radigator" shouldn't be capitalized.
He looked in the direction the Paladin had gone.
"Paladin" shouldn't be capitalized.
They think that they have a Goddess-given right to take whatever tech they like.
Perhaps change to "Goddesses"? It works grammatically, but I'd think that people would be careful on the distinction given the unpopularity of the Goddess.
The Professor extracted it and got it working.
"Professor" shouldn't be capitalized.
Dawn wanted to give the water away. The professor wanted
Three spaces after the period.
1 rad per second.
"One" should probably be written out ("twenty rads" was earlier, for example).
glaring up at the rain. Of course
I said as I checked my navigation. “This is a great big blasted
Only one space after the period.
“Glory, Go bring her back.
"Go" shouldn't be capitalized.
She looked at Lacunae and me and grit her teeth. “Fuck… not again. Is Scotch okay?”
“Scotch Tape is okay. Pissed with me… but she didn’t see that.” Lacunae was using her cheating alicorn powers to slowly regenerate while she pointed her horn to the cuts in my limbs to heal them.
Could there be smething directly indicating it's Blackjack talking about Scotch being pissed at her (e.g. " '. . .' I said as Lacunae . . . ")? The fact that a point was made of Rampage turning to Lacunae before asking the question, and that after the response Lacunae's actions are being described, confused me a little before I realized it was Blackjack talking.
And if I hurt… well, its just a little tipping of the scales to make things square.
"it's"
It might have been a handgun, but I’d do my best to give whatever Rangers I came across a break.
"handgun" replacement?
and grabbed one switch. It clicked into place with a loud electric buzz. Then the second switch and with it another buzz. Then a third pair.
There was no mention of pairs of switches before the third in the series, and only two switches before it. Should it be "then a third [switch]," or maybe "then a second pair"?
There was spark of wires coincident with the beep of the computer,
"There was a spark"?
I blasted automatic bursts at the first of the undead ponies that charged; the alternating armor piercing and explosive rounds chewing great gooey rents in them.
Semicolon to comma or "chewing" to "chewed."
Even Scotch joined in the battle, laying on her stomach as she fired at any ghoul that got too close to Lacunae.
I believe that should be "lying."
“You shall never make me abandon my post!” The unicorn screamed as we fanned out.
I believe this should only have one space after the quotation and no capitalization of the "the."
placing a queen of hearts on her still glowing side.
I spotted one still glowing chunk.
"still-glowing"? You use the "still-x"
A little square appeared around the nametag in my vision
"name tag"
so where do you want to go now?” I asked as I tapped the
Should have only one space after the quotation.
“Ew… gross, Blackjack… and everypony thinks I’m the filly.”
Only need one space after second ellipsis.
A huge faded mural of Applejack in a sailor’s outfit saluted us all over the motto ‘Victory through blood, sweat, and tears.’
Period to outside of quotation marks?
What is the plan if the Elder says ‘thank you for your concern; now I’m going to shoot you anyway?’
"Elder" shouldn't be capitalized, question mark should be outside of the quotation marks.
but the words got the reaction I wanted. He immediately looked
didn’t have a grenade or something hidden in there. Really, what
were they expecting? Given that my busted
Only one space after the period, question mark.
After that, the armored ranger fell in behind us while Chief Acolyte Strike trotted in front.
"Ranger" should be capitalized.
And then...I gaped as I saw one of the rear turret’s cannon barrels slowly elevate.
Space needed after ellipsis.
We fixed Turret Three months ago. Of course, the Elder
Only one space after period, "elder" shouldn't be capitalized.
The Elder is growing to appreciate that fact,”
“And the Elder would agree with you as well.
"Elder" shouldn't be capitalized.
half the size of the Celestia. It was flying a flag showing
her back here. Once we’ve wrapped things up,
Only one space after the period.
Things were rapidly veering towards Plan: ‘Blackjack does something incredibly stupid and violent.’
Period to outside of quotation marks, I think.
I suppose the Elder will let the crew go and shoot the captain.
"Elder" shouldn't be capitalized.
“So… going to tell the elder straight away?” I asked him.
Should have only one space after the quotation.
“If you want to know where my stable is… a nice, fully-operational Stable… you’ll inform her before you start firing that gun,”
"Stable" shouldn't be capitalized.
Are you all right?” Oilcan asked as the
Where’s Captain Thrush?” I asked.
Should have only one space after the quotation.
She’s in a bad way though.
"She’s in a bad way, though."
“Blackjack…” came Pisces’ whimper.
"Pisces's"
Their scales were cracked and flaking, their skin split and bleeding Their fins had
Period needed after "bleeding."
‘Cause I have no idea what a Steel Ranger Elder looks like.”
I think "elder" shouldn't be capitalized here, but this is one that you might want to run by S.C.
‘STLBCKACC?’ ‘PRTENGNAV?’ ‘RVTEXTBST?’
Question marks to outside of quotation marks.
I caught the swirl of red robes as the Chief Acolyte paced back and forth.
"Chief acolyte" shouldn't be capitalized.
and Rampage’s ears perked as the Star Paladin entered.
"Star paladin" shouldn't be capitalized.
Offered me the location of a stable to speak to the Elder.”
"Elder" shouldn't be capitalized.
What good are Oaths these days? We swear to
"Oath" shouldn't be capitalized, only one space after the question mark.
“But the Elder…”
"Elder" shouldn't be capitalized.
“Get out of the way!” I screamed as I ran,
Should have only one space after the quotation.
Far off, a flower of flame bloomed to the south west.
"southwest"
“Did you hear that?” Steel Rain’s voice boomed from his armor
I believe there should only be one space after this quotation.
Why waste it on filth like that?” He said as the rain
Should have only one space after the quotation, "he" shouldn't be capitalized.
more Rangers turning to face the Elder.
The Elder glanced at me, her sour expression softening a touch.
"Elder" shouldn't be capitalized.
Nopony moved. Then one armored pony
Only one space after the period.
“So be it,” The elder said softly.
"The" shouldn't be capitalized.
and a bolt of lightning blasted out. A ranger leapt in its path,
Only one space after the period, "Ranger" should be capitalized.
Out came my assault rifle as the other rangers realized I was still a threat,
"Rangers" should be capitalized.
The Star Paladin appeared to have taken a personal dislike towards me,
"Star Paladin" shouldn't be capitalized.
Well… This was
Should have second space after ellipsis.
against my skin by the magic. Only the magic fields
Only one space after the period.
I was surprised to see Napalm Strike fighting alongside the elder, the orange unicorn conjuring up sheets of flame and exploding blasts of fire. The elder had been wounded and was being dragged back.
This may not be the right place to use "the [color] [race]"; both of them are orange unicorns.
Steel Rangers hitting on Alicorns.
"Alicorns" shouldn't be capitalized.
I’d give him EC-1101 and tell the Elder that Big Daddy planned to turn her into a hat if I had to.
"Elder" shouldn't be capitalized.
…Well, you did… you know… do almost exactly the same thing… I mean, the other-chapter stuff is in a different (and identically labeled) sub-spoiler, but it's all nested under "Chapter Thirty Two Stuff".Icy Shake wrote:And you're right: putting it all in a section marked as just one chapter was a bad idea. Hopefully I got it better this time.
Hm… Maybe leave figures of speech and flag functional uses? Though I changed "sleight of hand"… Sorry, I'm trying to get through this quickly so that I have time to eat before bed without going to bed even later.Icy Shake wrote:Use of "hand" in objects (gun, mirror, grenade). I figure some expressions would remain ("hand over," and "on hand" seem to be used to the exclusion of a hoof equivalent. "on the other hand," "offhand," and "take off their hands" are split, with "on the other hoof" much more common than hand--If you want, I can go through and flag either or both types of the split ones, and you can decide what to do about them. In any case, please let me know how to deal with them so hopefully I don't flag things I shouldn't as new chapters are released), and "hand of cards," but those instances where it's talking about real functionality stand out a bit more.
Did some of your running thoughts get left out? The end seemed a bit abrupt.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Mon Nov 25, 2013 9:14 am
Personally, I find replacing "hand" in a lot of instances to be distracting. I mean, "on the other hoof", fine, but awkward constructions like "hoofgun" or "hoof grenade" are really distracting, especially considering they don't use their hooves for those at all.O. Hinds wrote:Hm… Maybe leave figures of speech and flag functional uses? Though I changed "sleight of hand"… Sorry, I'm trying to get through this quickly so that I have time to eat before bed without going to bed even later.Icy Shake wrote:Use of "hand" in objects (gun, mirror, grenade). I figure some expressions would remain ("hand over," and "on hand" seem to be used to the exclusion of a hoof equivalent. "on the other hand," "offhand," and "take off their hands" are split, with "on the other hoof" much more common than hand--If you want, I can go through and flag either or both types of the split ones, and you can decide what to do about them. In any case, please let me know how to deal with them so hopefully I don't flag things I shouldn't as new chapters are released), and "hand of cards," but those instances where it's talking about real functionality stand out a bit more.
Even in the show, they use "hand" phrases frequently:
"You, on the other hand, better keep practicing..."
"I assure you, they're quite a handful."
"Gotta hand it to the girl..."
"We cannot let anything distract us from the mission at hand..."
"On the other hand, I have no trouble watching you stoop down. "
"Unhand that rock this instant, you scoundrel!"
"Granny Smith handed me the reins of this reunion, and I’m gonna make the most of it."
"I suppose we can just use the Elements of Harmony against him again if he gets out of hand."
For counterexamples, they never say "at hoof", "hoof it to her", etc. They do replace "hand" with "hoof" in cases like:
"Would you like to try your hoof at a nest?"
"Let me lend you a hoof."
"Each one is hoof-made."
"I had them wrapped around my hoof the entire time."
"And so I tried to defeat Discord, but none of my so-called friends would lift a hoof to help me!"
"These are hoof-stitched!"
"I’ve been hoof-picked by Rainbow Dash herself to write her autobiography! "
"Uh, somepony give Blossomforth a hoof."
So it seems like the rule is replacement in cases where you're talking about an actual, specific hand, while metaphorical hands are left alone. Or maybe it's just whenever it sounds good to replace it -- point being, you don't have to search/replace "hand" for "hoof". It's fine to mix it up.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Nov 25, 2013 1:49 pm
I changed "hand grenade" to "grenade" and "handgun" to "mouthgun". Yes, I know that some long guns can also use mouths, but human long guns still use hands.SilentCarto wrote:Personally, I find replacing "hand" in a lot of instances to be distracting. I mean, "on the other hoof", fine, but awkward constructions like "hoofgun" or "hoof grenade" are really distracting, especially considering they don't use their hooves for those at all.O. Hinds wrote:Hm… Maybe leave figures of speech and flag functional uses? Though I changed "sleight of hand"… Sorry, I'm trying to get through this quickly so that I have time to eat before bed without going to bed even later.Icy Shake wrote:Use of "hand" in objects (gun, mirror, grenade). I figure some expressions would remain ("hand over," and "on hand" seem to be used to the exclusion of a hoof equivalent. "on the other hand," "offhand," and "take off their hands" are split, with "on the other hoof" much more common than hand--If you want, I can go through and flag either or both types of the split ones, and you can decide what to do about them. In any case, please let me know how to deal with them so hopefully I don't flag things I shouldn't as new chapters are released), and "hand of cards," but those instances where it's talking about real functionality stand out a bit more.
Even in the show, they use "hand" phrases frequently:
"You, on the other hand, better keep practicing..."
"I assure you, they're quite a handful."
"Gotta hand it to the girl..."
"We cannot let anything distract us from the mission at hand..."
"On the other hand, I have no trouble watching you stoop down. "
"Unhand that rock this instant, you scoundrel!"
"Granny Smith handed me the reins of this reunion, and I’m gonna make the most of it."
"I suppose we can just use the Elements of Harmony against him again if he gets out of hand."
For counterexamples, they never say "at hoof", "hoof it to her", etc. They do replace "hand" with "hoof" in cases like:
"Would you like to try your hoof at a nest?"
"Let me lend you a hoof."
"Each one is hoof-made."
"I had them wrapped around my hoof the entire time."
"And so I tried to defeat Discord, but none of my so-called friends would lift a hoof to help me!"
"These are hoof-stitched!"
"I’ve been hoof-picked by Rainbow Dash herself to write her autobiography! "
"Uh, somepony give Blossomforth a hoof."
So it seems like the rule is replacement in cases where you're talking about an actual, specific hand, while metaphorical hands are left alone. Or maybe it's just whenever it sounds good to replace it -- point being, you don't have to search/replace "hand" for "hoof". It's fine to mix it up.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Somber Mon Nov 25, 2013 3:17 pm
Random fantasy world building to try and write something rather than kicking myself for being stalled...
Just something that was knocking around my head in the shower. Feels good to get something written, even if it's an idea.
Just something that was knocking around my head in the shower. Feels good to get something written, even if it's an idea.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Stringtheory Mon Nov 25, 2013 4:27 pm
Who else want's a dedicated 'Somber's random writing thread'? Seriously, Somber, you should try to get this stuff published.Somber wrote:Random fantasy world building to try and write something rather than kicking myself for being stalled...
*snip*
Just something that was knocking around my head in the shower. Feels good to get something written, even if it's an idea.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Nov 25, 2013 6:37 pm
Hm, now that's quite an interesting idea, that the strength of the creations of the lesser beings is the very fact that they were created by lesser beings and thus fall partially outside the "Stuff we can eat" category of the dragons.
…Not sure how well I expressed that, but you get the point: you've thought of a cool thing, I think.
All in all, though I generally prefer science fiction to fantasy, it sounds like a very interesting concept. Not surprising, given its source. :)
…Not sure how well I expressed that, but you get the point: you've thought of a cool thing, I think.
"Okay, guys, I know that the dragons rebelled against our purpose for them and turned against us and the creatures that we created to fight the dragons rebelled against our purpose for them and turned against us, but I'm sure that nothing can go wrong with creating things to fight the things we created to fight the dragons!" :DSomber wrote:They rebelled against the Faer, who in shock and anger, created new monsters to destroy their wayward tools.
All in all, though I generally prefer science fiction to fantasy, it sounds like a very interesting concept. Not surprising, given its source. :)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by WavemasterRyx Mon Nov 25, 2013 7:26 pm
The shower is certainly one of the best places to get ideas for writing.Somber wrote:Random fantasy world building to try and write something rather than kicking myself for being stalled...
Just something that was knocking around my head in the shower. Feels good to get something written, even if it's an idea.
I'm glad writing something helped you feel even a little better, sir, and it is a pretty cool bit of writing as well.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Stringtheory Mon Nov 25, 2013 8:11 pm
I'm in the middle, I like well thought out universes and stories over particular settings, though I'm more partial to darker more realistic stories. What I don't like is when a story has a big conflict but no one really seems to die or the heroes seemly aren't emotionally affected by the conflict. That said, I can't stand pointless angst that stops the character from doing their job.swicked wrote:Ah. I am the opposite and greatly prefer fantasy over sci fi.O. Hinds wrote:All in all, though I generally prefer science fiction to fantasy, it sounds like a very interesting concept. Not surprising, given its source. :)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Mon Nov 25, 2013 10:12 pm
Looking back, I know. But at the time . . . well, not enough sleep is a hell of a drug.O. Hinds wrote:…Well, you did… you know… do almost exactly the same thing… I mean, the other-chapter stuff is in a different (and identically labeled) sub-spoiler, but it's all nested under "Chapter Thirty Two Stuff".Icy Shake wrote:And you're right: putting it all in a section marked as just one chapter was a bad idea. Hopefully I got it better this time.
. . . As I'm sure you can understand.O. Hinds wrote:Hm… Maybe leave figures of speech and flag functional uses? Though I changed "sleight of hand"… Sorry, I'm trying to get through this quickly so that I have time to eat before bed without going to bed even later.Icy Shake wrote:Use of "hand" in objects (gun, mirror, grenade). I figure some expressions would remain ("hand over," and "on hand" seem to be used to the exclusion of a hoof equivalent. "on the other hand," "offhand," and "take off their hands" are split, with "on the other hoof" much more common than hand--If you want, I can go through and flag either or both types of the split ones, and you can decide what to do about them. In any case, please let me know how to deal with them so hopefully I don't flag things I shouldn't as new chapters are released), and "hand of cards," but those instances where it's talking about real functionality stand out a bit more.
They did end abruptly, but not because they were cut off. I just got pretty engrossed and forgot to keep making them. Fatigue may also have played a role.O. Hinds wrote:Did some of your running thoughts get left out? The end seemed a bit abrupt.
Yeah, I figured that might be the best way to handle "hand grenade," especially since context is usually sufficient to indicate when it's another type of grenade. Probably as good as anything will be for the guns.O. Hinds wrote:I changed "hand grenade" to "grenade" and "handgun" to "mouthgun". Yes, I know that some long guns can also use mouths, but human long guns still use hands.SilentCarto wrote:Personally, I find replacing "hand" in a lot of instances to be distracting. I mean, "on the other hoof", fine, but awkward constructions like "hoofgun" or "hoof grenade" are really distracting, especially considering they don't use their hooves for those at all.O. Hinds wrote:Hm… Maybe leave figures of speech and flag functional uses? Though I changed "sleight of hand"… Sorry, I'm trying to get through this quickly so that I have time to eat before bed without going to bed even later.Icy Shake wrote:Use of "hand" in objects (gun, mirror, grenade). I figure some expressions would remain ("hand over," and "on hand" seem to be used to the exclusion of a hoof equivalent. "on the other hand," "offhand," and "take off their hands" are split, with "on the other hoof" much more common than hand--If you want, I can go through and flag either or both types of the split ones, and you can decide what to do about them. In any case, please let me know how to deal with them so hopefully I don't flag things I shouldn't as new chapters are released), and "hand of cards," but those instances where it's talking about real functionality stand out a bit more.
Even in the show, they use "hand" phrases frequently:
"You, on the other hand, better keep practicing..."
"I assure you, they're quite a handful."
"Gotta hand it to the girl..."
"We cannot let anything distract us from the mission at hand..."
"On the other hand, I have no trouble watching you stoop down. "
"Unhand that rock this instant, you scoundrel!"
"Granny Smith handed me the reins of this reunion, and I’m gonna make the most of it."
"I suppose we can just use the Elements of Harmony against him again if he gets out of hand."
For counterexamples, they never say "at hoof", "hoof it to her", etc. They do replace "hand" with "hoof" in cases like:
"Would you like to try your hoof at a nest?"
"Let me lend you a hoof."
"Each one is hoof-made."
"I had them wrapped around my hoof the entire time."
"And so I tried to defeat Discord, but none of my so-called friends would lift a hoof to help me!"
"These are hoof-stitched!"
"I’ve been hoof-picked by Rainbow Dash herself to write her autobiography! "
"Uh, somepony give Blossomforth a hoof."
So it seems like the rule is replacement in cases where you're talking about an actual, specific hand, while metaphorical hands are left alone. Or maybe it's just whenever it sounds good to replace it -- point being, you don't have to search/replace "hand" for "hoof". It's fine to mix it up.
On the just-for-fun fantasy world-building, I thought it was pretty nice. Short and simple, but with some good underlying ideas. I'd say, however, that the first paragraph was never really brought up again, and although there was a series of bilateral conflicts, only the first really seems to me like it could be a representative of the two primordial forces, so it feels a little out of place.
Regarding preferences in speculative fiction, I probably lean more towards sci-fi generally, but as much as anything else that's probably due to how when I read something I like, I often then read huge amounts of that author's other work, so a small initial preference plus network effects meant I read much more of it than fantasy. That said, it's been my experience that mixing the two seems to give either very good or very bad results, without much in the middle. One of my favorite series growing up was Artemis Fowl, and I kept with it until the end, though I do believe it weakened in the last couple of books.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Mon Nov 25, 2013 10:24 pm
I think they're mentioned to be apple shaped. Maybe, the cereal is sugar applebombs.swicked wrote:I thought they were called apple bombs.O. Hinds wrote:I changed "hand grenade" to "grenade"
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Nov 25, 2013 11:10 pm
Oh yes. Very much so.Icy Shake wrote:As I'm sure you can understand.
No problem.Icy Shake wrote:They did end abruptly, but not because they were cut off. I just got pretty engrossed and forgot to keep making them. Fatigue may also have played a role.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Mon Nov 25, 2013 11:15 pm
I knew I was forgetting something!Icy Shake wrote:Yeah, I figured that might be the best way to handle "hand grenade," especially since context is usually sufficient to indicate when it's another type of grenade.O. Hinds wrote:I changed "hand grenade" to "grenade" and "handgun" to "mouthgun". Yes, I know that some long guns can also use mouths, but human long guns still use hands.SilentCarto wrote:O. Hinds wrote:Icy Shake wrote:. . . Hands . . .Probably as good as anything will be for the guns.
You actually use "pistol" quite a bit. Would that be close enough in definition to make it a favorable substitution compared to "mouthgun"?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Nov 25, 2013 11:50 pm
Eh, maybe, but I've already made the changes. I don't think that "mouthgun" is a problem, and "handgun" doesn't seem to be used very much anyway.Icy Shake wrote:I knew I was forgetting something!Icy Shake wrote:Yeah, I figured that might be the best way to handle "hand grenade," especially since context is usually sufficient to indicate when it's another type of grenade.O. Hinds wrote:I changed "hand grenade" to "grenade" and "handgun" to "mouthgun". Yes, I know that some long guns can also use mouths, but human long guns still use hands.SilentCarto wrote:O. Hinds wrote:Icy Shake wrote:. . . Hands . . .Probably as good as anything will be for the guns.
You actually use "pistol" quite a bit. Would that be close enough in definition to make it a favorable substitution compared to "mouthgun"?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Somber Tue Nov 26, 2013 10:35 am
"pistol" and "revolver" solves the problem for both.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scienza Tue Nov 26, 2013 10:43 am
I'm kinda in the boat of just calling it a handgun. Turning it into "mouthgun" is kinda distracting in my opinion, and makes it harder to immediately understand what you're referring to.Somber wrote:"pistol" and "revolver" solves the problem for both.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Kippershy Tue Nov 26, 2013 11:34 am
I was drawn here by dark magics.
O.Hinds, do you even consider how weird mouthgun sounds? Even in pony terminology, 'gun', 'pistol' and 'revolver' work a hell of a lot better.
The reason handguns work as a name in our world is because guns were originally much bigger and progressed down into a small item that would fit into the palm of your hand and be roughly the same size as said hand.
The other thing you forget is that although yes, we're writing/reading in worlds of ponies who live in Equestria and have magic and blah blah blah, there's a level of willing suspension and 'mouthgun' breaks that. You mustn't ever forget that at the end of the day, it's a story to be read by humans and while in theory mouthgun works for explaining the way it's used, it's a silly term and can (and has) been replaced with much simpler words that make sense in both universes.
Not trying to be a douche, but my point stands. Next time you go to edit something, especially without contacting Somber first (seeing as this is the second time in short succession you've done this), just ask yourself:
Would a human read this and believe it? Even if it is ponified, would we think it's silly?
O.Hinds, do you even consider how weird mouthgun sounds? Even in pony terminology, 'gun', 'pistol' and 'revolver' work a hell of a lot better.
The reason handguns work as a name in our world is because guns were originally much bigger and progressed down into a small item that would fit into the palm of your hand and be roughly the same size as said hand.
The other thing you forget is that although yes, we're writing/reading in worlds of ponies who live in Equestria and have magic and blah blah blah, there's a level of willing suspension and 'mouthgun' breaks that. You mustn't ever forget that at the end of the day, it's a story to be read by humans and while in theory mouthgun works for explaining the way it's used, it's a silly term and can (and has) been replaced with much simpler words that make sense in both universes.
Not trying to be a douche, but my point stands. Next time you go to edit something, especially without contacting Somber first (seeing as this is the second time in short succession you've done this), just ask yourself:
Would a human read this and believe it? Even if it is ponified, would we think it's silly?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Silver136 Tue Nov 26, 2013 11:54 am
And yet you still came off as quite the douche. Hinds is one of Somber's editors, meaning he edits things that need to be edited. He has every right to change something that he deems needing change.Kippershy wrote:I was drawn here by dark magics.
O.Hinds, do you even consider how weird mouthgun sounds? Even in pony terminology, 'gun', 'pistol' and 'revolver' work a hell of a lot better.
The reason handguns work as a name in our world is because guns were originally much bigger and progressed down into a small item that would fit into the palm of your hand and be roughly the same size as said hand.
The other thing you forget is that although yes, we're writing/reading in worlds of ponies who live in Equestria and have magic and blah blah blah, there's a level of willing suspension and 'mouthgun' breaks that. You mustn't ever forget that at the end of the day, it's a story to be read by humans and while in theory mouthgun works for explaining the way it's used, it's a silly term and can (and has) been replaced with much simpler words that make sense in both universes.
Not trying to be a douche, but my point stands. Next time you go to edit something, especially without contacting Somber first (seeing as this is the second time in short succession you've done this), just ask yourself:
Would a human read this and believe it? Even if it is ponified, would we think it's silly?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Silver136 Tue Nov 26, 2013 12:19 pm
Seconded!swicked wrote:I searched FoE for references to either a handgun or a mouthgun. The search turned up neither.
All in favor of splitting the difference and referring to them all as just "guns"?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Tue Nov 26, 2013 1:17 pm
Roger. Changes implemented.Somber wrote:"pistol" and "revolver" solves the problem for both.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scienza Tue Nov 26, 2013 1:49 pm
That reminds me, referring to non-revolver handguns as automatics should also work.swicked wrote:I await, with baited breath, the several inevitable misidentifications of a pistol as a revolver this edit will create.O. Hinds wrote:Roger. Changes implemented.Somber wrote:"pistol" and "revolver" solves the problem for both.
Wiki says all revolvers are pistols, though, so at least that is covered.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Tue Nov 26, 2013 3:44 pm
There were only two instances of "mouthgun" to change, once of which referred specifically to Vigilance.swicked wrote:I await, with baited breath, the several inevitable misidentifications of a pistol as a revolver this edit will create.O. Hinds wrote:Roger. Changes implemented.Somber wrote:"pistol" and "revolver" solves the problem for both.
Wiki says all revolvers are pistols, though, so at least that is covered.
Really? Hm, I guess that that makes sense. It's probably best not to refer to them as such, though, to avoid confusion.
Not all non-revolver handguns are automatics or semiautomatics, though.Scienza wrote:That reminds me, referring to non-revolver handguns as automatics should also work.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Kippershy Tue Nov 26, 2013 3:55 pm
If it's a named weapon in question, use the name or 'gun' thereafter for that section of text. By defining which specific unique weapon it is, the use of the word 'gun' no longer implies a generic range of weaponry but rather lends itself to the weapon previously mentioned to be in active use.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Tue Nov 26, 2013 4:15 pm
I don't see it. I think you may just have a bias against him. This time he seemed pretty helpful.Silver136 wrote:And yet you still came off as quite the douche. Hinds is one of Somber's editors, meaning he edits things that need to be edited. He has every right to change something that he deems needing change.
On the whole handgun thing would the term still work if a griffon was using the pistol or a sandog/hellhound?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Kippershy Tue Nov 26, 2013 4:19 pm
While discussing it elsewhere, I too considered griffons and such. Quickly came to the thought that they'd probably call them a 'clawgun' instead of handgun because as pointed out, about the only species we can safely say have hands are minotaurs and monkeys.
Monkeys, as far as we know, aren't sentient however.
It is entirely possible that the minotaurs came out with handguns before anyone else, however, given that they weren't in MLP canon until later on in season two and thus hadn't any part to play in Fallout Equestria, the fact remains that they probably would've preferred to stick clear of the war. Maybe they had picked a side, maybe they didn't. Still, it makes the most sense to either be a little more specific (automatic, pistol, revolver, name of unique weapon, caliber) or less specific (gun, weapon).
Edit: I can't remember for sure, but as for the diamond dogs (and by extension, sand/devil dogs), would they be classed as having paws like their RL 'partners' or hands?
Monkeys, as far as we know, aren't sentient however.
It is entirely possible that the minotaurs came out with handguns before anyone else, however, given that they weren't in MLP canon until later on in season two and thus hadn't any part to play in Fallout Equestria, the fact remains that they probably would've preferred to stick clear of the war. Maybe they had picked a side, maybe they didn't. Still, it makes the most sense to either be a little more specific (automatic, pistol, revolver, name of unique weapon, caliber) or less specific (gun, weapon).
Edit: I can't remember for sure, but as for the diamond dogs (and by extension, sand/devil dogs), would they be classed as having paws like their RL 'partners' or hands?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Tue Nov 26, 2013 4:30 pm
Now I've got an idea of the enclave having a few of these lying around. The very few they didn't melt down but they're called 'talon' guns. But when an older particularly heavily accented enclave member tries to say that a younger member mishears it as 'talent' gun. So idiocally he spends his career trying to fire this thing effectively.Kippershy wrote:'clawgun'
Edit: I can't remember for sure, but as for the diamond dogs (and by extension, sand/devil dogs), would they be classed as having paws like their RL 'partners' or hands?
On the dogs, I'm not sure if they call them paws or hand or not. Though part of me thinks they would call them paw guns. Just so either the griffons or the dogs can cross out the first letter(s). Not that anygun ever had handgun written on it still it's kinda comical to me.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Silver136 Tue Nov 26, 2013 5:05 pm
I don't mean to sound biased, and I don't know him. Just the way he presented the issue seemed a little insulting to me. I'm probably just insane and really need to catch up on sleep though. Anyway I apologize.Last wrote:I don't see it. I think you may just have a bias against him. This time he seemed pretty helpful.Silver136 wrote:And yet you still came off as quite the douche. Hinds is one of Somber's editors, meaning he edits things that need to be edited. He has every right to change something that he deems needing change.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Caoimhe Tue Nov 26, 2013 5:45 pm
I wish there was an agreed canon image of what most projectile weapons look like in FoEniverse. How non-unicorns use weapons without a battle saddle requires quite a large a suspension of disbelief. It becomes even more complex given how 1 for 1 "real world" some weapons are described as like sniper rifles, revolvers and shotguns. I still cringe at some of the more seemingly teeth-shattering descriptions.
Not that it's that big of a deal, but Somber at least includes more laser oriented fantasy weapons that make a little more sense. I still can't see how ponies would develop a small revolver that requires loading small bullets that could seemingly only be efficiently accomplished by a third of the population.
Edit: Hell, if I were to rewrite FoE, I'd imagine most weapons as to involve some sort of head harness or helmet. Unicorns by nature can fire magic horn-based projectiles, so it'd make more sense for other subspecies to design something originating from the top of the head. Else, make all weapons only able to be operated from a battle saddle. Shoving stuff in the mouth and using the tongue to operate a trigger makes no reasonable sense from an operational or tactical standpoint.
Not that it's that big of a deal, but Somber at least includes more laser oriented fantasy weapons that make a little more sense. I still can't see how ponies would develop a small revolver that requires loading small bullets that could seemingly only be efficiently accomplished by a third of the population.
Edit: Hell, if I were to rewrite FoE, I'd imagine most weapons as to involve some sort of head harness or helmet. Unicorns by nature can fire magic horn-based projectiles, so it'd make more sense for other subspecies to design something originating from the top of the head. Else, make all weapons only able to be operated from a battle saddle. Shoving stuff in the mouth and using the tongue to operate a trigger makes no reasonable sense from an operational or tactical standpoint.
Last edited by Caoimhe on Tue Nov 26, 2013 5:53 pm; edited 4 times in total
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Kippershy Tue Nov 26, 2013 5:48 pm
It's cool. I was tempted to say that I'm a douchebag anyway (and thus don't need to try) but didn't wanna bait you to a argument or anything.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Kippershy Tue Nov 26, 2013 5:55 pm
From what I've seen, Kingsley and Brisineo do a pretty conformed to design where any larger gun has a V shape mouth trigger while smaller guns have a basic design that doesn't look much different to normal guns.Caoimhe wrote:I wish there was an agreed canon image of what most projectile weapons look like in FoEniverse. How non-unicorns use weapons without a battle saddle requires quite a large a suspension of disbelief. It becomes even more complex given how 1 for 1 "real world" some weapons are described as like sniper rifles, revolvers and shotguns. I still cringe at some of the more seemingly teeth-shattering descriptions.
Not that it's that big of a deal, but Somber at least includes more laser oriented fantasy weapons that make a little more sense. I still can't see how ponies would develop a small revolver that requires loading small bullets that could seemingly only be efficiently accomplished by a third of the population.
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