Sister forum[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Mon Nov 11, 2013 9:11 am
Remember, Snake, this is a sneaking mission. The use of stealth is required.Evilgidgit wrote:
- Spoiler:
Nah, the missile was most definitely a taunt. He fired that one so the General would move into intercept range and get inside the kill box for the surface batteries.Derpmind wrote:"I don’t know if it was shot at us or if it was simply my rotten luck," It was probably just bad luck. Blackjack was close to the Raptors, and it was aimed at them. If Lighthooves knew Blackjack was on the turnip wagon and wanted (and was able) to use the Tower's weaponry on her, then Blackjack would be dead.
I salute your taste in sci-fi space battle fiction.Derpmind wrote:“Execute orders in sixty seconds. Mark.” Shot in the dark: Has Somber or anyone on the editing team read some of The Lost Fleet series by Jack Campbell? It's a sci-fi series where the main protagonist is a commander of a space fleet, and there's lots of fleet commanding that's really similar to this scene. Of course, the author is a retired US Navy officer so it more likely just Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, where Kevin Bacon is actual real world fleet commanding.
That reminds me. Somber and/or Edit Staff, there was a little issue with that scene -- it seemed like Doc Ock said, "I'm not that kind of doctor," then immediately turned around and started medical doctoring. There may have been a missing "but" there, like, "I'm not that kind of doctor. But, fortunately, I did take a paramedic course after Shattered Hoof..." or something like that.Derpmind wrote:Rampage isn't just some awesome immortal smash pony. Rampage is so many contradictions I'd say she has multiple souls even if it wasn't for the Pheonix Talisman and the multiple personalities. And then the scene where she does doctoring is just perfect after that.
I like Doctor Whatshisname.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scienza Mon Nov 11, 2013 11:35 am
Shipping, perhaps?Icy Shake wrote:@ SilentCarto: I caught that, too, but was unsure of the second letter of the second and fifth ones. Also, I can't believe I missed the new catchphrase! It fits so much better! (Even if it wouldn't apply as often.) (Also, I can't be the only one who thinks it's ironic how high the poker:blackjack ratio is, given, well, you know.)
And then Cognitum boarded the ship and started wheezing everywhere.Ch. 62A wrote:"White-armored pegasi stormed into the bridge; the soldiers on guard sprang to action, but they were unarmed. "
"Commander, tear this ship apart until you've found EC-1101, and bring me the passengers. I want them alive!"
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Nov 11, 2013 1:01 pm
Sorry… It didn't occur to me that, since it's so soon after the release of the chapter, you might be personally stepping in to correct errors.Somber wrote:... sigh... why couldn't he let me do it?
There. taken care of. The weapons wouldn't be on the bridge.
My thinking is that she disturbed them enough for them to fall, possibly hitting near the center and using an interior lip as a fulcrum.Derpmind wrote:"I gave them a kick, then another, and then the triangles of steel pulled free and tumbled into the Core below" Um, wouldn't the steel triangles fall into the tower since they're being kicked from outside?
That was one of the options we debated, but Somber really wants to get the Thunderhead arc finished.Derpmind wrote:I don't know what part two will be like, but honestly this feels like a complete chapter to me. I might be wrong and part two will feel like a second part of a complete chapter, but I can't know that yet.
Ah, thank you very much as always.Icy Shake wrote:I don't always read two chapters of Project Horizons in one day, but when I do, I don't do much else. Glad it got up early enough for me to read it tonight.
- Chapter Sixty Two Part One Running Thoughts:
Well, that answers that.
“Long as it’s not all the way out to Neighvarro. Why?” Dusk asked in confusion. Glory stepped closer to her, talking in low tones. Then Dusk blinked, smiled, and actually gave Glory a hug. “I’ll be back soon.” And with that, she flew off, a bit wobbly but still airborne.
Getting Sky Striker?
I groaned as I rose and turned to Glory and moved away from really important questions to issues of survival and whatnot.
Great line. Got a laugh out of me, anyway.
Aw, Boo's being adorable.
“Blackjack excels at bad ideas. The only way this could get any better would be if we got her drunk,” Rampage replied as we flew towards the Raptors.
Or singing, or, if you believe Blackjack's guess, after sex.
Oh, you get to the singing. Cool.
I knew my response would be one of the most important I’d ever make. I took a deep breath and a step forward. Twenty beam weapons hummed in response, and I froze. “It’s a trap.”
I thought we were done with Star Wars for a bit. Oh, well. But seriously, that is a terrible way for her to start the conversation, considering it seems like an invitation for them to just gun her down.
So put your damned suspicions away and work with me because otherwise I got nothing to fall back on but the Rampage plan and then we’re all fucked!
Especially you! We'd probably get out of it more or less fine! But most of you would be dead, except for a guy who ends up missing his dangly bits!
“No. My turn. She got to rant. You got to monologue. My turn,” she said as she jumped out of the cart.
It is only fair. Also hilarious.
And Rampage makes some good points.
“If I were here to kill you I would have teleported directed behind you and cut your head off or blasted four magic bullets down your throat. Heck, I could probably just jump and crush you under my hooves right now!” I chuckled, and Rampage guffawed.
Now, one of the limited areas where I think Blackjack may be justified in her frequent belief that she's a bad pony is this: as much as she often feels bad about it afterwards, every indication, including things she says on occasion, is that she really, truly, viscerally enjoys killing. Now, whether that is truly wrong of course depends on whether desires themselves can be evil, so I'd say no, but it does come down to your own moral system.
“Don’t, Rampage. No means no,” I added as we headed up some stairs, leaving Rampage with the dozens of armored soldiers in the launch bay.
But I didn't hear a "no" . . .
“Turbines to full! Sound general quarters.” An alarm rang out, and the lights immediately dropped to amber. “Secure all hatches. Prime turrets one through six.”
Fasten all seatbelts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the three ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo!
I felt a purr run through the ship, and for the first time I felt more thrilled by a machine than I normally would have liked.
So, guns don't count as machines?
Like Lighthooves at Chicanery’s studio, the mare wasn’t wearing a helmet... and her eyes glowed bright red just like mine.
Dun dun duuuunnnn! But yeah, that's bad news.
Then there was a rapid fire series of brilliant green flashes and in an instant, he was gone, reduced to a glowing green mist that settled on the deck.
*salutes*
Gone all too soon.
A cold and hateful part of my mind pushed simple weaknesses as pain aside and summoned up all my focus. Another of Twilight’s spells, one that I’d thought exceptionally bizarre, came immediately to my mind as I imagined the cybermare with the biggest, bushiest beard and eyebrows I could. Her face disappeared into a yellow puff of dandelion-like hair. She staggered back as I shrugged the dead pegasus off me.
So, she could still do magic? Why no TK bullets during all that?
The most I could remember was ‘ABC’. Her Airway was clear, and when I put my ear to her muzzle, my enhanced hearing could pick up shallow Breaths… and I forgot what C meant. Contact medical? Control? Concede defeat?
Okay, the end of that is pretty good.
You want to make sure you can take a trophy from your kills, Boo. Or eat them. Or both.
You don't want to eat them. Not in Hoofington. Because can you really be sure?
It wasn’t right, or fair, but I stormed over to her and shoved her hard against the wall. “The problem?! The problem is if you had been here, the general wouldn’t have been hurt! This isn’t a fucking game anymore! Glory’s family… Thunderhead… maybe even all the Wasteland… could be killed if we can’t end this nightmare.”
So, yeah. Kind of a dick move. Also, what about the Captain? I know you just met him, but he seems like the kind of guy you would have liked.
“I like you, Blackjack, but you’re really starting to get on my nerves.” Her voice low, and for an instant I realized that this was the Rampage everypony else knew. The Reaper. “You’re the one who cares about Thunderhead, not me. You’re the one who gives a shit if the Wasteland lives or dies. Not. Me. I only give a marginal shit about a half dozen ponies in this world. The rest can go fuck themselves. This is war. Ponies die. A lot. Good and bad, innocent and guilty. Do not ever talk to me like that and tell me what I should be doing. Ever.”
Ooh, I like this. Feels like it's been a long time coming. And you know what, it sucks, but she does kind of have a point.
“Hush up. I’m not that kind of doctor,” Rampage said, her voice becoming oddly calm and gruff, as she knelt beside the fallen general.
Not too surprising, considering personality shifts seem to come more often in high tension, high emotion situations. Also, it's been too long since Doc Oc, I think.
“So, Blackjack, how have you been doing with your self-destructive tendencies?”
Hilarious. I'd ask if now is really the best time, but given how infrequently we've seen Doc Oc, well, it probably is.
This wasn’t exactly the best time for a therapy session, but I guessed I couldn’t pick and choose.
See? Blackjack agrees with me.
The General grunted, “Okay. That’s enough psychobabble. I’m not dying in the next few minutes. Get me up. There’s still fighting going on.”
I find myself liking the General more and more. Too bad there weren't more like her in the Enclave. Of course, if that were the case, they might have won. Of course, if that were the case, much of the superflousness of the invasion might never have happened.
“Most non-cyberponies are the same way in the Wasteland, Blackjack,” Rampage said with a smirk. “Especially around the Hoof.” I couldn’t argue with that. And yet, there was something that I couldn’t quite accept. Everypony still wanted to be happy. They hadn’t given up on that simple, little mote of hope. Not yet. If you didn’t want to be happy, you might find contentment, but it’d be the sort that the dead shared.
Well, she's back to being chipper. I guess a mental break to a saner pony might do that.
“Wait… what’s that noise?”
But I knew exactly what that screaming sound was.
Oh, fuck. That's never good.
> Do you wish to activate Tokomare power systems?
>Y/N?
Um, I know they're in bad shape, but wouldn't that be a "No"? That seems like a bad idea, especially with them already hurting from Enervation.
Parts of the Core went started to go dark. The lights flickered as one by one they died. As the streets and towers dimmed, the beams atop the roofs also halted. Then, one of the sides of a tower swelled like a glowing blister, bursting in flame and molten metal as green sparks shot out, arching along those black spiderwebs. I saw the base of one tower engulfed in flames that were crawling up the side of the building. Apparently, power substations didn’t do so well when you pulled the plug on them while they were shooting energy weapons. The Enervation note receded and the cloud bank rolled in to obscure the Core once more. Still that sullen glow at the heart of the city remained like an ember.
That's pretty sweet. I bet that would look amazing.
Hoarfrost nearly purred. “What a waste that would be. Neighvarro recognizes that they have a biological weapon and a delivery system that will make the quarantine a reality. With a few dozen missiles, we will be able to pacify the surface indefinitely. Ironfeather was appalled that the General wanted to destroy such an opportunity.” Now I really regretted not killing her. “Do you acknowledge my orders?”
Holy fucking shit. This asshole makes Lighthooves look like a saint.
“And you’re doing so on non-Enclave channels.” She sighed, “Blackjack, you really need to learn to convey pertinent information.”
Yes.
“So you’re not going to nobly trot to your death?” Rampage asked, and then relaxed as I shook my head, “I was worried for a second. You’re occasionally really stupid about things like that.”
"Occasionally." Right. But I'm looking forward to the Reaper coming out again. And I bet Blackjack invites Rampage to go all out, too.
“Have you been stripped of respect too?” Rampage scoffed. “I served under one of the finest officers in the Equestrian army. Colonel Cupcake. Pudgy little bastard couldn’t lick a zebra unless you dipped it in chocolate first, but we followed his orders into hell more than once. Not because Luna told us to, but because we knew he’d always do what was right. This fight isn’t over yet, and you know that plague is super bad news, so are you going to pony up and prove that you actually deserve that rank, or go sulk in your cabin and think about how absolutely and utterly you failed today?”
Rampage has had some really great lines this chapter. Or Twist, in this case.
“I know Big Macintosh wouldn’t give up. Even if it killed him, he’d go down doing what’s right. It’s just the kind of pony he was.”
Would and did. Because . . . oh, right. You already said it.
I closed my eyes and began to write on the deck four words, fifteen letters. I fought hard to resist the urge to peek. “Don’t say it!” I blurted, hoping that my lines were straight and not wandering all over the floor. The bridge suddenly grew very quiet.
Very clever of her. And a great way to build suspence. I've got shivers.
Storm Chaser looked a little pained. “Raptors are just a touch precious and irreplaceable, Rampage.”
The striped mare snorted and rolled her eyes. “That’s what makes it awesome, duh.”
Had me laughing. The humor in this chapter has been really strong.
A second later I heard her shout, “Boo! No!”
NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
When I couldn’t see the thousands of feet of empty air below me, my brain kicked in and I looked up to see Boo biting my mane and struggling to haul me up. Fortunately, she provided just enough pull for me to quickly scramble up into the cloud.
Yay Boo!
I checked Boo, afraid she’d be coughing up blood, but the blank just blinked back at me, cocking her head in confusion.
Interesting. Discord wans't immune. A soul thing, maybe?
I could feel the Enervation tugging at me, countered by that strange tuneless song within. At this point, I’d given up guessing what could be causing it.
Well, the song within would be the ministry mares, yes?
There was every possibility that this would get me killed, but, for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel the slightest selfish hope that I’d die.
Hell fucking yes.
- Chapter Sixty Two Part One Overall Thoughts:
Also, she really got some of the best lines out of the main cast in this section. The medium-awareness early on was funny, as was toying with the Enclave military people, and I enjoyed how she dragged Blackjack into it, too. But Twist's might have been the best overall, in terms of simple line value. The Doctors' were probably more enjoyable on an integrated level.
The General was awesome, and I think it's great to have someone who is/was high up in the Enclave hierarchy to get behind. They could have done with more principled true believers. Also, holy fucking damn, Hoarfrost is just the worst. Likewise the central leadership. I really do expect for Blackjack to go executioner on someone soon, and I'm not sure it'll be Lighthooves: he actually looks pretty good compared to some of these amoral monsters.
The fights aboard the ship were a bit of a mix. I expect the inclusion of TK bullets in the edit after I read that part will help, because it seemed like Blackjack was out of it, doing nothing for quite a while but still able to clearly tell what was going on around her. Likewise, I'm not sure how I feel about the general outcome: it seemed to me like they went down pretty easily. I assume it's due to them still getting used to the enhancements? Though, the Captain's sacrifice certainly helped matters. Speaking of, I was sorry to see him go. We didn't get to see much of him, and what we saw was mostly a brave, loyal, and competent officer, but you know what, sometimes that's enough for you to want to see more, especially when those are in short supply.
The interactions with Cognitum were interesting, and it's nice to see Blackjack starting to use more forms of leverage more regularly than in the past. That said, she's still pretty dumb, what with the not thinking of relevant information to pass on. A lot. The good news is that this was handled well, in that it was somewhat played for laughs and crucially, neither the other characters nor the story itself treated it as anything other than stupid and careless.
So, very action-oriented chapter section, and I'm loving the divisions within the Enclave. I'm looking forward to seeing how it ends.
- Chapter Sixty Two Editing Matters:
. . .
Somepony had started a fire inside; I didn’t know how well clouds could burn, but I supposed other things in the shop could be flammable.
With both on the same page, I think the "if not clouds, what's burning" thought comes again too quickly.
examined the prone mare. She carefully
Only one space after period.
Balefire bombs blows bits of Hightower across the landscape while flaming ghouls tried to kill us all?
I think "balefire bomb blows," but if there was more than one bomb, then "balefire bombs blow."
Glory glanced at me; in her eyes played host to dancing doubt and uncertainty, but then they hardened
No "in," or "in her eyes danced doubt and uncertainty."
Will these work?” I asked.
the contaminated recycler, I think so!” she said with
Should only have one space after quotation.
Sweeping them into her own saddle bags, Glory continued,
"saddlebags"
and addressed Moonshadow first, “You need to get
Should only have one space after comma.
You go with Rampage and Twister. She can commandeer a skywagon and get you to meet with General Chaser,” Glory said, and the tan pegasus nodded.
Tan?
She popped off her helmet, her lavender coat reminding me of Dazzle. More purplish-blue but no glitter in Twister’s mane, though.
But I want to go with Blackjack!” Scotch Tape wailed.
Should only have one space after quotation.
Damnit. ”Ugh... Nevermind
Second space or no capitalization after ellipsis.
“Okay. You with me, Boo.”
"You're"?
We’re armed.” Rampage said as she reached into
Period should be comma, should have only one space after quotation.
Just as you did Stargazer and Strat-“
Second hyphen for dash.
ignoring the guns trained on me. “What the fuck
Only one space after period.
reports I’m getting from out west…” She began before
Should only have one space after quotation, "she" shouldn't be capitalized.
It’s even affecting you,” Rampage grinned.
Comma should be period.
side and a pair of alarmed pegasi stallions.
"pegasus stallions"
I had to surrender my guns before we went into the bridge proper.
Should that be "onto" the bridge?
dismissive of a ornamental-looking, archaic weapon.
"an ornamental"
In the bridge were a dozen unarmored pegasus mares in a semicircle deftly worked glowing control panels made of rainbows and pressed keys with their pinions, the feather tips protected in purple plastic. They wore
"who deftly worked"
or
"working" and "pressing"
Only one space after period.
good ponies are too decent for politics?” Storm Chaser asked rhetorically.
Should have only one space after quotation.
The pegasi simply leaned instinctively as the Castellanus rose at a sharp angle.
"Castellanus" should be italicized.
Like Shadowbolt Tower being connected to the Core’s defenses.”
Shouldn't end with quotation mark: Blackjack continues in next paragraph.
“Okay… There’s really no way
Second space after ellipsis, or don't capitalize "there's."
I asked the general archly, then looked at the
Should "general" be capitalized?
“What do you want me to do, Blackjack?” The general countered.
“What are you talking about, Blackjack?” The general asked in tones suggesting she was tired of asking me that.
"the" shouldn't be capitalized, "general" should be, I think.
But I didn’t have time to explain as the captain shouted,
"Captain" should be capitalized.
The general pulled her helmet on,
"general" capitalized?
I’d barely gotten Vigilance out when white-armored pegasi stormed into the bridge.
Where'd she get that from? Didn't she surrender it before entering the bridge?
but the invader’s weapons were grafted to their sides
"invaders' "
I just really wished Rampage was here right now.
"were here"?
At least, they did before I put one round from Vigilance into each of them.
Again, did she leave the bridge, or get it from whomever she had surrendered her guns to, or had she hidden it and had it the whole time?
an equally stunned pegasi atop me saved me
"pegasus"
The general was not so lucky, given that her armor didn’t have any ranged weapons on it and I doubted that the cyberpony mare would allow her to close the distance. The general tried anyway, going into a dive straight at the armored mare. The cyberpony mare grinned as she opened up a stream of lethal energy bolts and beams. The captain was drawing
Capitalization?
With the precision of SATS, I watched the rapid fire barrage strike the general. For an instant it seemed as if she’d close the gap. For an instant, I felt like I was the one stuck in SATS.
"general" capitalized? "S.A.T.S."
Like a lightning bolt, the general struck the
"general" capitalized?
them swiveled around and blast wildly around
"blasted"
In unison, they pulled the pins of a around a dozen magic grenades and threw them threw the breach.
"threw them through"
The General was closest to the blast, but the captain’s sacrifice had kept her out of range of the explosives.
"captain's" capitalized?
“Racewind…” the general murmured, only audible to my ears.
well aimed volley that raked the general with brilliant red
The general took a step back,
the fallen general and swarmed over
"general" capitalized? ("well aimed" hyphenated?)
I watched my last, best hope to ending this laying in a smoking heap on the deck.
"Lying"
Another pair of Lighthooves’s cyberponies rushed me. “Get Blackjack!” he yelled.
I think that should be "one yelled."
One of which read ‘warning: high voltage.’
Should at least some of the words on the sign be capitalized? I guess I could see it written in block caps, but all lower case?
The stallion went rigid as electricity played over his body a second,
"for a second"? Not sure if needed or not.
I rushed to the general and wished for the
three mares around the general.
"general" capitalized?
“Why weren’t you here?” “What were you off doing, Rampage? Fucking? Fighting?”
I don't think there should be this closing and reopening of quotation marks.
The problem is if you had been here, the general wouldn’t have been hurt!
"general" capitalized?
shit if the Wasteland lives or dies. Not. Me.
Only one space after period after "not."
at the glowing smear that had been the captain.
"captain" capitalized?
Blackjack is alive! Report! Blackjack is-“
Second hyphen for dash.
the bridge mares scrambling away. “Shut,” she
Only one space after period.
“Mmm. not good.”
Second space after first period, capitalize "not."
She rolled the general on her back.
she began to compress the general’s chest with
"general" capitalized?
Breathe. Always distressing when you snap
Only one space after period.
And Rampage moved away so the Beige Bridgemare could take her place.
If you're capitalizing it, should the "the" be there?
cheeks as she used her weight to press rapidly on the general’s chest.
she turned the general’s head and felt along her neck
Suddenly the general gave a little gasp,
"general" capitalized?
The back of the pads was ripped open,
"backs" "were"?
“Get back folks, especially you Blackjack.”
"you, Blackjack."
The general jerked, coughed, and sucked
pad of her hoof to the general’s throat.
"general" capitalized?
They passed right on through,” A bridgemare reported.
"a" shouldn't be capitalized.
“I am going to personally pluck those two,” the general muttered with a groan
Which is why the general is going to indulge me
"general" capitalized? Also, period needed at end of sentence for the first one.
of me while others aren’t.” Her smile faded
Only one space after period.
A self destructive person doesn’t just
"self-destructive"
and fire crews are on,” reported one a red mare.
"reported a red mare" or "reported one, a red mare."
The general just gave her a look and moved on to the next ma
"general" capitalized?
“Blizzard, Galeforce and Sirocco are engaged with the Tower,
Serial comma needed after "Galeforce."
she shook her head, then addressed the brown coms mare,
Should "coms" be capitalized? "Nav" was, a little earlier.
In the state the fleet would be in if were routed, the Enclave would be wide open.
"if it were" or just "if routed"
“Let’s see some results,” the general said as
"General" capitalized?
Blasts from the raptors flickered over the surface like boiling green balefire.
"Raptors" should be capitalized.
The Castellanus lurched and turned so far that I grabbed Boo
"Castellanus" should be italicized.
What remained of the raptor fell like a flaming metal pipe to the ground far below.
"Raptor" should be capitalized.
Evasive maneuvers!” Ordered the general.
Needs opening quotation mark, there should only be one space after the quotation, "ordered" shouldn't be capitalized, and "general" should be, maybe.
The Castellanus began to move as I never imagined
"Castellanus" should be italicized.
flung the ship apart as the it dove and banked around the slaying beams.
"as it dove and" (extraneous "the")
two hundred years,” the general hissed. I watched in horror
"general" capitalized?
the bottom of one raptor, the green energy
"Raptor" should be capitalized.
inside the strongest enervation in the middle.
"Enervation" should be capitalized.
forehooves and the Castellanus banked hard the other way. “
"Castellanus" should be italicized.
piece by piece while the raptors struggled to get clear or get in
"Raptor" should be capitalized.
The Castellanus jerked hard, flinging both
"Castellanus" should be italicized.
the bridge. “We’ve lost turrets two, four, and six sir.
Should that be "ma'am"?
“No,” the general replied grimly. “That was a near hit.”
"general" capitalized?
I froze. I’d forgotten that the Tokomare wasn’t the sole source of power in the Core. The two hydroelectric dams that flanked the Core must be running the weapons. Cognitum was trying to get me to turn on the Tokomare for her! “Forget it,” I countered, and hit no. The instructions repeated several times.
The Castellanus jerked as another beam nearly touched it. “We’re slowing down. I don’t know how much longer I can evade,” the helmsmare shouted.
“Abandon ship,” the General ordered, but the surviving bridgemares remained at their station. “That’s an order!”
“We’d be dead fifteen seconds after leaving our posts, ma’am. Just like the Azimuth,” a mare protested.
I hissed into my broadcaster, “You have ten seconds and then EC-1101 is dust. Horizons goes off. You lose!” Nothing. At this point I didn’t even know if we were still connected. Then, new instructions appeared in my vision.
Spacing is off between these paragraphs: no blank line between paragraphs.
The Castellanus jerked as another beam nearly touched it.
"Castellanus" should be italicized.
ust like the Azimuth,” a mare protested.
"Azimuth" should be italicized.
I closed my eyes, swallowed, and mentally togged Y.
"togged" is a word, but I don't think it's the right one. "Toggled" or "Tagged," maybe?
of the bridge mares shouted, “Captain! Look!”
Umm . . . is she just confused and excited? Because the Captain is dead and the General at the conn.
Parts of the Core went started to go dark.
"Core started" (extraneous "went")
A minute later, a bridge mare reported, “Only the Azimuth was lost, sir.
"ma'am"?
Only the Blizzard, Galeforce and Sirocco report no significant damage.”
Serial comma needed after "Galeforce."
“I think that whatever happened down in the core might have knocked them out too.”
"Core" should be capitalized.
I watched the mare’s eyes unfocus as she listened, then widened in shock.
"then widen in shock."
“General…. You… I… they say you have been
Only four dots for first ellipsis. After it, either two spaces or "you" shouldn't be capitalized.
made the general slump as if she’d just been shot.
"general" capitalized?
“I don’t know, sir. Just that the order’s been repeated.”
"ma'am"?
"This General Storm Chaser,” she said grimly.
"This is General"
So glad you’re still alive.” Another soft laugh that precluded
Only one space after quotation.
simply fly in and stop him!” Storm Chaser said sternly.
Should have only one space after quotation.
The general stared at the communication
"General" capitalized?
“I’m sorry, sir. Our long range transmitter is out.”
"ma'am"?
placed in command of this exercise.” Hoarfrost’s icy voice
Should have second space after quotation.
voice dripped menace. “You can’t pick and
Only one space after period.
The general looked at the battle-wrecked bridge,
“I won’t risk the lives of this crew…” the general began.
"general" capitalized?
I did it right…If I
Two spaces needed after ellipsis.
“Sweet!” she started to dance
"She" should be capitalized.
Fluffy clouds… nice… and…” I frowned as I felt
Should have second space after quotation.
substantial and failed. My head popped free
Three spaces after period.
struggling to haul me up. Fortunately, she provided j
Only one space after the period!
Blizzard was taking her time. If she’d really wanted a body count, she would have taken a raptor inside the city itself.
"Raptor" should be capitalized. Also, should that be "Hoarfrost," not "Blizzard"? I can buy saying the ship was taking its time, but wanting a body count, and taking a Raptor to the city?
Through the middle. I gave them a kick
Only one space after the period.Okay, on the whole, a pretty strong chapter. In addition to everything else, I'd point out that there were some great visuals, and both the humor and action were generally hitting well. The characters were well used and interesting, including the new one, and there's enough left in the air that I don't know just what to expect from Part II, but I certainly am drawn in and expecting great things.
- Bonus Editing:
1: curled up. Saddle bags full
9: The whole city was designed by the best minds at the MWT and Stable-Tec.
12: Grief counseling, interventions, MoP procedures.
15: But the MAS and MWT are a lot more complicated.
16: They don’t even need me at the MoI any more.”
17: It’s nice to be able to coordinate things with the MoP or MoM
‘MoM victorious! Four-year murder spree comes to an end!’ was the headline of a paper beside one of the bodies.
The Ministry of Morale reports that the notorious murderer known as the Angel of Death has been apprehended by MoM officers.
*not as sure, as newspaper, so would expect the standard, but it is in context, not speech or narration.
“I don’t think the MoA will need your mechasprites, Mr. Horse.”
19: Say there was somepony in the M.A.S. that had an idea they wanted to work out with the MoP.
23: According to documents obtained from the MoM at Hightower Jail and Shattered Hoof Penitentiary, se
Will she disclose her findings to the MAS and independent review?
*not as sure, newspaper, in this case an unpublished manusript
30: Maybe one in the MWT hub in Canterlot or Hoofington; again, nothing confirmed.
31: I fished around in my saddle bags for some Rad-X and even drank a little Rad-Away for good measure.
32: And when the others pressed the issue, she took it and stomped it to dust rather than let another use the MWT’s tech.
34: A bunch of symbols had been drawn on them; in particular, the locations of the freaky M.A.S.E.B.S. towers were all outlined in red.
35: You must understand that, for two hundred years, the Twilight Society has been responsible for Tenpony Tower and the secrets of the MAS hub. Many of my order believe this building to be the last remaining bastion of old Equestria. As such, they take anything to do with the MAS and its Ministry Mare very seriously.”
39: He was sentenced to execution… after being mentally rendered by MoM’s finest interrogators, of course.
41: On the other hoof, there was a red tunnel in the M.A.S.E.B.S. buildings.
45: “The MoM was notified of a Ministry Mare trespassing on a crime scene. You have no idea how glad I am that it was you.
47: Graves took them and slipped them into her saddle bag.
53: There were a few desperate sobs from the west, somepony in the Manehattan MAS hub trying futilely to get some kind of organization effort going.
“Besides, the MWT is urging more emphasis to be put on defensive applications, like power armor.”
54: The kind of zebra that would have been snapped up by the MoM had he been around a few years later.
55: “--have to make sure that Clovertail remains on the ‘exclusion’ list at the MoM.
If Pinkie Pie arrests one more vital member of the MWT…” the stallion grumbled.
56: Not even the enchantments of the MAS had spared it from colossal devastation.
61: She approached a door where a mare and stallion in pink MoM uniforms stood attentively.
Finishing up, thank you, Somber, and all the editors. I'm happy to hear that you have some money coming in from work, and I share your hope that the paperwork moves through quickly and you can get back to teaching, or subbing as the case may be. Likewise, I'm delighted to see the broad outpouring of support.
Oh, and it's actually a CIC, by the way, but we, after some argument, agreed that Blackjack would probably call it a bridge.Icy Shake wrote:Should that be "onto" the bridge?
Ah, thank you.SilentCarto wrote:
- Chapter 62a Commentary:
“Yup. And don’t you forget it,” Rampage replied. Then she reached over and, before he could dart away, grabbed him and kissed him hard. His eyes shot wide and his wings popped out to either side. “Want me to show you how we get down and dirty on the surface?”Potential way around the "cloud computer" problem? Use one of their feather-protectors as a sylus?A dozen unarmored pegasus mares in a semicircle deftly worked glowing control panels made of rainbows and pressed keys with their pinions, the feather tips protected in purple plastic.Don't think I didn't see what you did there.“Azimuth, Helicity, Hurricane, Perihelion, Sleet, and Stratus Fractus will approach and take positions at 22AJ, 24RS, 34PP, 56TS, 57FA, and 88RD respectively.”Oh crap. How high does the shield extend?If it hadn’t been for the spike in Enervation…I kinda suspected...“Oh you son of a mule! That’s what you were talking about.” I swore as I glared at the display. “That wasn’t power armor!”Bwahaha! Somehow, I knew that was how he would get offed...Boo ducked at the last second, curling up into a terrified ball as the stinger ripped through plastic and metal conduits above her.
One of which read ‘warning: high voltage.’And I note that Lighthooves is still under the mistaken impression that the General is dead. Hopefully, that will be enough of a monkey wrench that his plans will fall apart.The General grunted, “Okay. That’s enough psychobabble. I’m not dying in the next few minutes. Get me up. There’s still fighting going on.”Your line is, "Navigation is down. Helm is under local control."“Uh... navigation is... um... well, we’re still in the air, ma’am.”Full up planes! Drop all ballast! Climb! CLIMB!But I knew exactly what that screaming sound was.That's a good password.>Hoofington power grid access.
> Substation access
> Emergency shutdown SUB 8, SUB 10, SUB 12, SUB 13, SUB 19, SUB 20.
>Password: ThisisgonnahurtThere's one weapon that you never lose until your engines get shot off...“Our weapon systems have been damaged. We will have to fall back until we can make repairs. Castellanus acknowledges the Enclave’s orders.”Fasten your seatbelts, folks...It was impossible. No pony could do it. There was no way.
Unless…
Oh!
Oh shit.Slightly surprised she didn't throw BJ like Shining Armor and Cadence. Oh well.“Pull!” And then two metal hooves clanged against my backside and launched me into the air.Bwahahaha... oh god, the mental image...A second later I heard her shout, “Boo! No!”Fingers fingers fingers fingers fingers!I frowned as I felt my forehooves start to slip as I was tugged downward. “Fluffy… fluffy… come on!” I said as I swung my legs hoping to grab something a little more substantial and failed.Huh. Fill in another odd data point. By this time, I wouldn't actually be surprised if she turned out to be an angel that descended from Heaven to help BJ out.So close, Enervation sounded less like a scream and more like… something else. It was almost a machine noise. A staticy note that plucked at my heart. I checked Boo, afraid she’d be coughing up blood, but the blank just blinked back at me, cocking her head in confusion. “Huh. Guess it’s not just a cyberpony thing after all.” Well, that was the second bit of good news I’d had today.Woo! New catchphrase! Though I still like "Time to ante up."I looked into the dark interior of the Tower. “Time to double down,” I said, smiling as I imagined Lighthooves listening in and watching me check my ammo for Vigilance.
...am I the only one nervous about leaving the door open behind them? Not that any of the baddies seem to have trouble getting in here...
- Editing:
No; that would make the second half of the sentence a fragment.SilentCarto wrote:"sagged a little, but then"
There's only one appositive there, I think.SilentCarto wrote:This sentence is rather convoluted -- you have an appositive to an appositive. I'd unwind it as, "Blue beams, like lines of crackling lightning out to weld the heavens, were lancing out from the corners of the tower near the crown and halfway down the side. Not the Core's weapons, but something I'd never seen before."
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Katarn Mon Nov 11, 2013 1:07 pm
- Something not really relevant.:
For some reason, when BJ, in the end, 'jumped' out of Raptor - this started to play in my head.
I won't do any reviews, since I really suck at it (sorry), but I'm looking forward to how it ends.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Derpmind Mon Nov 11, 2013 2:32 pm
Well yea, it was bad luck that the missile was close to hitting the turnip wagon.SilentCarto wrote:Nah, the missile was most definitely a taunt. He fired that one so the General would move into intercept range and get inside the kill box for the surface batteries.
I couldn't resist the urge to put this one on a couple times while reading the chapter, even though there were no pirates and the song really doesn't relate to the chapter at all. Eh. For the scene in question, though, nothing's better than this classic.Katarn wrote:
- Something not really relevant.:
For some reason, when BJ, in the end, 'jumped' out of Raptor - this started to play in my head.
Your loss, it's fun! Try it some time.Katarn wrote:I won't do any reviews, since I really suck at it (sorry), but I'm looking forward to how it ends.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Nov 11, 2013 3:08 pm
...So should I put it back, then?swicked wrote:Edit:
Additionally, I think "balefire bombs blows" is intentional.
I mean, I pointed it out and somber said Rampage was just being weird.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Moodyman90 Mon Nov 11, 2013 8:57 pm
Finally read the chapter. I enjoyed it.
Rather like how this half of the chapter turned out in it's current state. Provides more character growth from Rampage. Boo continues to be cute but with freaky luck, Blackjack got to go Wastelander on some ponies, and Somber continues to make me actually like the Enclave while hating it at the same time.
Was that a Scott Pilgrim reference I read there? Back of the knee right?
And of course "Fly me closer so I can hit them with my sword!" I couldn't help myself but think that.
Rather like how this half of the chapter turned out in it's current state. Provides more character growth from Rampage. Boo continues to be cute but with freaky luck, Blackjack got to go Wastelander on some ponies, and Somber continues to make me actually like the Enclave while hating it at the same time.
Was that a Scott Pilgrim reference I read there? Back of the knee right?
And of course "Fly me closer so I can hit them with my sword!" I couldn't help myself but think that.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Moodyman90 Mon Nov 11, 2013 9:24 pm
I love Scott Pilgrim, got the books, movie, CD, and the game for download on PS3. I don't mind the reference, got a laugh from me. And the fact all of them, except the sound track, points that out, I couldn't help but pick up on it.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Tue Nov 12, 2013 12:29 am
Now, I didn't realize this at the time, and it's possible I'm forgetting something, but I believe there is something missing (not really) from the 62.1 update: I think it's the first update in a long time not to include a dream, memory orb, disembodied recording, or mind delve (is there another type I'm missing here?). If that is the case, when was the last time that happened? I wouldn't be surprised if it was in the single-digit chapters or, for that matter, if this is the first time it's occurred.
(Cue blush on someone pointing out there was one, and probably a big one, too, in 62.1.)
(Cue blush on someone pointing out there was one, and probably a big one, too, in 62.1.)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by WavemasterRyx Tue Nov 12, 2013 4:55 am
i'm sorry, Somber... i know how much you value feedback, and i really do want to read the chapter, but since it came out i have not been able to get a single minute of peace and quiet to read it, and i don't know when i'm going to... maybe some time next week, if I'm lucky.
just try to take care of yourself, sir. *hugs gently*
just try to take care of yourself, sir. *hugs gently*
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Caoimhe Tue Nov 12, 2013 10:47 am
The four words were obviously "Eat all the ponies."
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Somber Tue Nov 12, 2013 11:50 am
::Hugs Ryx:: Don't worry about it. Read it when you can.
@Icy: When would she had time? Fact is I was trying to keep it short, hah hah, and I've covered all but about 4-5 important 'flashbacks' as it were.
@Icy: When would she had time? Fact is I was trying to keep it short, hah hah, and I've covered all but about 4-5 important 'flashbacks' as it were.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Caoimhe Tue Nov 12, 2013 3:16 pm
Somepony should really sell tickets for Pecepitron use. An hour in BJ's head is worth about 1000 Fillydephia fun farm rides.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Tue Nov 12, 2013 11:05 pm
*facepalm* Duh! They need someone who can take command, and she's going to a hospital. I should have figured that one out right away.Icy Shake wrote:“Long as it’s not all the way out to Neighvarro. Why?” Dusk asked in confusion. Glory stepped closer to her, talking in low tones. Then Dusk blinked, smiled, and actually gave Glory a hug. “I’ll be back soon.” And with that, she flew off, a bit wobbly but still airborne.
Getting Sky Striker?
Quest Perk Added: Magic Penetration - Your magic bullet spell ignores 15 DT of armor.swicked wrote:the reason was because the TK bullets are not armor-piercing
-- Chapter 25
Look at the letters. AJ, PP, TS, RD... I think FA may have been a typo for FS. Not sure where the S in RS comes from, but anyway...swicked wrote:Mind explaining, then? 'Cause I didn't get that.SilentCarto wrote:Don't think I didn't see what you did there.“Azimuth, Helicity, Hurricane, Perihelion, Sleet, and Stratus Fractus will approach and take positions at 22AJ, 24RS, 34PP, 56TS, 57FA, and 88RD respectively.”
(Flarity and Rarishy?)
Something like that. I figured the kicks weren't so much to push the pieces around as to break whatever was left holding them together, and since the original door hinged outward, that was the only direction they could fall. Like how a manhole sits flush but has a lip below that's too small for the lid to go through.O. Hinds wrote:My thinking is that she disturbed them enough for them to fall, possibly hitting near the center and using an interior lip as a fulcrum.Derpmind wrote:"I gave them a kick, then another, and then the triangles of steel pulled free and tumbled into the Core below" Um, wouldn't the steel triangles fall into the tower since they're being kicked from outside?
Granted, I misspoke. The simile is not an appositive. Still, I don't know what the exact rule is, but the phrases "Blue beams like lines of crackling lightning out to weld the heavens" and "not the core's weapons, but something I'd never seen before" both want to be immediately followed by a verb.O. Hinds wrote:There's only one appositive there, I think.SilentCarto wrote:This sentence is rather convoluted -- you have an appositive to an appositive. I'd unwind it as, "Blue beams, like lines of crackling lightning out to weld the heavens, were lancing out from the corners of the tower near the crown and halfway down the side. Not the Core's weapons, but something I'd never seen before."
Not quite that simple. Titles are capitalized when they're being used with the person's name (General Windshear), for direct address -- "Good morning, General!" -- or when it's being given as a formal title, like "Christopher Colombus, Admiral of the Ocean Sea". If it's being used as a descriptor, such as after a "the", you do not capitalize. "I said good morning to the general."swicked wrote:Kay, so... titles used as pronouns are always capitalized? I'll commit that to memory.
That's actually actively discouraged these days. Pretty much all professional typesetters agreed on a single space after period about a hundred years ago, and every major style guide says to single space it. Double spacing was only a thing due to early typewriters, where the space after the period can get "lost" among the gaps between letters in their monospace font. But that hasn't been an issue since electric typewriters were developed in the 70s.swicked wrote:Additionally, I notice we tend to miss out on this two spaces after the period thing a lot.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by DaWarWolf Tue Nov 12, 2013 11:22 pm
AAAH! I am so confused right now it's unbelievable. I was playing FA: New Vegas's Honest Hearts DLC and got to a cave that was named Morning Glory's cave and wanted to know if anyone else knows if Somber got inspiration from that name to name a character in his story after it? If not crazy coincidence?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Tue Nov 12, 2013 11:32 pm
Sorry; that wasn't meant as criticism, but as a joke within the observation. And yes, she was very busy.Somber wrote:::Hugs Ryx:: Don't worry about it. Read it when you can.
@Icy: When would she had time? Fact is I was trying to keep it short, hah hah, and I've covered all but about 4-5 important 'flashbacks' as it were.
Good to keep in mind.SilentCarto wrote:Not quite that simple. Titles are capitalized when they're being used with the person's name (General Windshear), for direct address -- "Good morning, General!" -- or when it's being given as a formal title, like "Christopher Colombus, Admiral of the Ocean Sea". If it's being used as a descriptor, such as after a "the", you do not capitalize. "I said good morning to the general."swicked wrote:Kay, so... titles used as pronouns are always capitalized? I'll commit that to memory.
I've actually got to the point where anything FoE without double spacing looks wrong to me. Partially, it may be due to typesetting/kerning on Google Docs that seems to swallow the space after periods unless there is a quotation mark or letter broader at the top than bottom following it. The fact that it's written in a sans-serif typeface may also contribute.SilentCarto wrote:That's actually actively discouraged these days. Pretty much all professional typesetters agreed on a single space after period about a hundred years ago, and every major style guide says to single space it. Double spacing was only a thing due to early typewriters, where the space after the period can get "lost" among the gaps between letters in their monospace font. But that hasn't been an issue since electric typewriters were developed in the 70s.swicked wrote:Additionally, I notice we tend to miss out on this two spaces after the period thing a lot.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Somber Tue Nov 12, 2013 11:56 pm
FA Fluttershy Angelbunny. RS Rarity Sweetie belle.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Wed Nov 13, 2013 12:12 am
Hehe. Well, she is a bridge officer on a military warship. I don't think it's unreasonable to expect a certain degree of professionalism.swicked wrote:Don't be mean to Wherewithal, she's new :PSilentCarto wrote:Your line is, "Navigation is down. Helm is under local control."“Uh... navigation is... um... well, we’re still in the air, ma’am.”
In fact, all of the bridge bunnies deserve of respect; they do good fictional work.
Anyway, it was only mildly disapproving.
Ahhh.Somber wrote:FA Fluttershy Angelbunny. RS Rarity Sweetie belle.
Oh Celestia, what does it mean?!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by RoboRed Wed Nov 13, 2013 10:32 am
Ah, that makes more sense now.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Derpmind Wed Nov 13, 2013 10:57 am
As far as I can tell, it's just a coincidence, and not a very crazy one at that. Sorry. Anyways, welcome to the discussion thread! We have infinite imaginary whiskey, so have as much as you want. And if you run out of sanity, we probably have some extra lying around here somewhere. Maybe.DaWarWolf wrote:AAAH! I am so confused right now it's unbelievable. I was playing FA: New Vegas's Honest Hearts DLC and got to a cave that was named Morning Glory's cave and wanted to know if anyone else knows if Somber got inspiration from that name to name a character in his story after it? If not crazy coincidence?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Technowolf Wed Nov 13, 2013 11:01 am
Cyborg v. Cyborg combat? Where the most effective tactic is chopping the enemy up with a sword? I think its time for Blackjack...
to LET 'ER RIP!
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/chPJ7x9iMw0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
to LET 'ER RIP!
<iframe width="560" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/chPJ7x9iMw0" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Wed Nov 13, 2013 12:41 pm
I still think that the current version is fine, sorry.SilentCarto wrote:Granted, I misspoke. The simile is not an appositive. Still, I don't know what the exact rule is, but the phrases "Blue beams like lines of crackling lightning out to weld the heavens" and "not the core's weapons, but something I'd never seen before" both want to be immediately followed by a verb.
Okay, see, that's what I thought and what I corrected to during brushing? Icy Shake, why did you direct me to capitalize every instance?SilentCarto wrote:Not quite that simple. Titles are capitalized when they're being used with the person's name (General Windshear), for direct address -- "Good morning, General!" -- or when it's being given as a formal title, like "Christopher Colombus, Admiral of the Ocean Sea". If it's being used as a descriptor, such as after a "the", you do not capitalize. "I said good morning to the general."
...Silentcarto wrote:That's actually actively discouraged these days. Pretty much all professional typesetters agreed on a single space after period about a hundred years ago, and every major style guide says to single space it. Double spacing was only a thing due to early typewriters, where the space after the period can get "lost" among the gaps between letters in their monospace font. But that hasn't been an issue since electric typewriters were developed in the 70s.
http://xkcd.com/1285/
I fall into the camp on the left, I'm afraid.
…So you didn't know? I assume that you'll be providing a list of the places in the chapter where the changes in you first list need to be undone? Actually, it would probably be simpler for you to provide a list of the places where captain and general do need to be capitalized; I can replace all to decapitalize the lot and then recapitalize the ones that ought to be capitalized.Icy Shake wrote:Good to keep in mind.
edit: Sorry if that sounded ungrateful or otherwise rude. I'm just a bit annoyed at having to go back and refix a bunch of things that I painstakingly "fixed" not too long ago.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Wed Nov 13, 2013 9:21 pm
You know a morning glory is a kind of flower, right?DaWarWolf wrote:AAAH! I am so confused right now it's unbelievable. I was playing FA: New Vegas's Honest Hearts DLC and got to a cave that was named Morning Glory's cave and wanted to know if anyone else knows if Somber got inspiration from that name to name a character in his story after it? If not crazy coincidence?
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 16 200px-Morning-glory-C6295b](https://2img.net/h/upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/9/9b/Morning-glory-C6295b.jpg/200px-Morning-glory-C6295b.jpg)
That's okay, everyone is entitled to be completely, totally wrong about something.O. Hinds wrote:...
http://xkcd.com/1285/
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Wed Nov 13, 2013 9:42 pm
1. Nobody expects you to be grateful for bad advice, I least of all.O. Hinds wrote:…So you didn't know? I assume that you'll be providing a list of the places in the chapter where the changes in you first list need to be undone? Actually, it would probably be simpler for you to provide a list of the places where captain and general do need to be capitalized; I can replace all to decapitalize the lot and then recapitalize the ones that ought to be capitalized.
edit: Sorry if that sounded ungrateful or otherwise rude. I'm just a bit annoyed at having to go back and refix a bunch of things that I painstakingly "fixed" not too long ago.
2. Of course. It's very much the least I can do.
I'm sorry.
- Rank Capitalization:
- Before getting to the stuff that stays, here are a couple of questionable cases, based on a possibly subjective reading of whether each falls into SC's third or fourth case.
“You could try to throw your feathers in for High General,” (probably remains, as singular role)I have been given battlefield commission to Colonel and placed in command of this exercise,” (probably does not stay, as a general rank)
To keep capitalized:
commandeer a skywagon and get you to meet with General Chaser,”
“Relax. General Chaser doesn’t want a bloodbath
“General Chaser’s not the only pony you need to worry about,”
“I suspect it was Lighthooves that came up with the plan,” General Storm Chaser said coolly.
“General,” he said with a crisp salute of his wing. I noticed that he got a gun.
“Poor, General. We’re deployed too far back for effective interception.
General,” the Captain suggested.
General Chaser nodded and moved to the seat in the middle of the bridge.
“General has the conn,” he said as he
“General. High General Harbinger left standing orders that
“And then he went and got himself killed at Maripony,” General Storm Chaser growled in reply.
“What are you talking about, Blackjack?” General Chaser asked“What are you talking about, Blackjack?” General Chaser asked.
bridge exploded inwards behind General Storm Chaser.
“Captain! General!” screamed half the mares as they
crackling breath and shouted “Confirmed! General is dead! Blackjack is alive!
“General has the conn. Status?”
“Incoming fire, General!” shouted another.
“General. I’m not feeling…” a mare said
of the bridge mares shouted, “General! Look!”
head and blurted. “General… You… I… they
“This is General Storm Chaser,” she said grimly.
“General…” the helmsmare said, clearly as shocked as Storm
“This is General Storm Chaser. I acknowledge the order. I
General is removed from command. Tower is disabled.
What about you? What are you going to do, General?” I asked.
“Captain Afterburner’s right there, and she does not like you.
Situation, Captain Racewind?” the General asked
“Captain! I’ve got something strange. Two
position. “Captain, you have the conn.”
I watched as Captain Racewind slowly advanced across the bridge.
Captain! General!” screamed half the mares as th
“Captain Cirrus wants to hang back and soften their defenses more.
Captain Barrel Roll is directing damage control teams.
Captain Hoarfrost asked in amused tones that re
Captain Cirrus was a close friend of Captain Racewind.
Captain Snowblind never lets anyone see what she’s planning,”
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Wed Nov 13, 2013 10:23 pm
My mistake: "General" is fine, "Captain" isn't.swicked wrote:Buh?Icy Shake wrote:General,” the Captain suggested.
Shouldn't it be "the captain"?
I should have explained the top grouping is for "general," the bottom for "captain."
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Thu Nov 14, 2013 12:10 am
While working on the below, I discovered that Lighthooves and Storm Chaser have very similar views on the unexpected.
Lighthooves wrote:Maybe it’ll backfire. Maybe it’ll blow up in my face. Certainly possible. But Thunderhead Intelligence’s learned that, sometimes, the unexpected is the most effective move of all.
Now, for the below, there are a couple of caveats: "high general" may be a case like "the Queen" which, only ever referring to one person at a time, could be an exception. Likewise, "honored councilor" may be different from other cases if it is either a singular title or treated as in the same category as "Your Majesty."Storm Chaser wrote:Occasionally, the unexpected is the most expedient.
- More Titles:
- General:
The ones with * depend on how you treat the specific case of "High General," that is, whether it is a case analogous to "the Queen" in the real-life Anglosphere.
51: From the cool disdain on her face, it was obvious that she was leaving it up to the General to show dishonor first.
to lower
51: *frowned at the High General’s glowering silence, and continued,
depends
51: *Something about her words snapped the High General out of his brooding.
depends
51: Harbinger and the General were leaving the monitor anyway; I supposed that the Goddess
to lower
58: *“For the High General!” screamed a voice from above us.
depends
59: “Occasionally, the unexpected is the most expedient,” the General said as she inspected some papers on her desk.
to lower
59: To the General’s credit, though, she knew how to pick them.
to lower
59: The General gave the mare a long stare, and she drew herself more rigid.
to lower
59: *Your High General was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
depends
59: *councilors blaming me for not physically stopping the High General from going in there,
depends
59: “I understand. I wouldn’t want to try to execute somepony I’d fought with either, Sergeant,” the General replied.
("Sergeant" is fine; "General" is not.)6059: able to avoid engaging the city directly,” the General said.
to lower
59: *“Is this the terrorist scum that killed the High General?”
depends
59: “Don’t kill them, Blackjack,” the General snapped, making all three of them pause.
to lower
59: The General clenched her jaw as she rose behind her desk.
to lower
59: interrogation was complete, Captain Crosswinds,” the General snapped.
("Captain" is correct; "General" is not.)
59: *burn or jump for what you did to the High General,”
depends
59: it’s you who will be summarily killed, by me,” the General replied,
to lower
59: Afterburner hissed through her teeth as the General pinned her with a glare and continued.
to lower
59: *All of you had a… personal… relationship with the High General.
depends
59: *“She killed the High General! Everypony knows it!”
depends
59: “So! You were saying?” I brightly asked the General as she sat
to lower
59: *“They were all extremely, inappropriately, close to the High General.
depends
59: *proficient at ferreting out information for the High General.
depends
59: Work with them to close him down?” I suggested, and the General frowned thoughtfully.
to lower
59: *“Now that the High General is dead, you have
depends
59: The General stared at me, then rubbed the bridge of her muzzle.
to lower
59: they’re willing to try.” The General shook her head.
to lower
59: “You’re suggesting that this is nothing more than a self-sacrificing PR stunt?” the General asked in low, skeptical tones.
to lower
59: They hadn’t blabbed about Glory being Rainbow Dash. I nodded once to the General.
to lower
59: I said to the pair, then turned a questioning expression to the General.
to lower
60: *over and was appointed High General, the first High General with no live combat experience.
depends x2
60: *“The Enclave has just lost its High General at Maripony.
depends
Lieutenant:
27: “Sergeant Wind Whisper.” . . . “It’s lieutenant, now, though being lieutenant of the Volunteer Corps is like being captain of a griffin dung cleanup crew.
This one might be "It's 'Lieutenant', now . . . " as she's referring to herself, "Lieutenant Wind Whisper," but confirmation from someone else would be a good call.
Sergeant:
13: I imagine it would have made your life easier, but the Sergeant only had orders to retrieve
to lower
13: “You’re sure there are raiders here?” I asked the Sergeant once I’d gotten
to lower
13: tossed it over my shoulder at the Sergeant backing me up.
to lower
13: Now that the Sergeant was in sight, the others busted their butts to clear out the farmhouse.
to lower
31: The question has also been raised of whether the Sergeant’s open intimate relationship with Shujaa is a conflict of loyalties.
to lower
33: “He’s a Sergeant! He’s a soldier!” Maripony yelled,
to lower
Director:
The ones with * are "Director of X," so you may feel they warrant different treatment. I thought the one from 38 could use extra context, but I do think it shouldn't be capitalized in the last line.
38: {
The pair gave her a sickly smile. “Ah, if we may ask… by any chance, have you spoken with the director about this?” Flim asked weakly.
“I don’t need to involve Horse, thank you very much. I am quite capable of handling this on my own.” The two shared a look.
“No no. Not him? I mean the other Director?” Flam winced as her gaze sharpened.
}
to lower, I think
42: “Suicide. Just couldn’t take it anymore, Gusty,” the Director said quickly.
to lower
42: “You-“ I reared up and brought (second hyphen for dash)
51: The Director bared his teeth, not bothering to hide his contempt.
to lower
51: *Chaser blinked and flushed, trying to glare an answer out of the Director of Enclave Intelligence.
depends
53: I ignored her request. “Where is the Director?” I asked slowly.
to lower
61: *with the Striker family to murder both the Councilor and the Director of Security, Stratus.”
depends (Councilor to lower)
61: I have evidence taken from the Director’s terminal of burst transmissions to Neighvarro
to lower
Councilor:
The ones with * are "Honored Councilor," and may be treated differently, possibly capitalized if that is how "High General" was treated, or otherwise capitalized if it's to be treated as in the same category as "Your Majesty."
51: *The light mare beside the Honored Councilor tried to hide her annoyance as the dark stallion on her other side just chuckled.
depends
51: *If you will please wait here, we’ll locate the Honored Councilor so you can depart together.
depends
52: *The Honored Councilor sent these three with him.”
depends
56: If we pick up Father on the way, we should be able to see the Councilor pretty much as soon as we arrive.”
to lower
60: “So, what is the plan for meeting with the Councilor?” Twister asked Glory.
to lower
60: I just figured we’d get up here and, one way or another, we’d get in contact with the Councilor.
to lower
60: Nopony is going to see the Councilor after hours, and it’s late.”
to lower
60: “Hmmm! I got it! We sneak in under the cover of darkness and talk to the Councilor in her bedroom!”
to lower
60: “Blackjack, Enclave Councilors have round the clock security,”
to lower, I think
60: We can’t trust them, and we’re still at a loss for how to contact the Councilor without ending up dead or in jail.”
to lower
60: “Dr. Morningstar is the Councilor’s secretary of science. If we talk
to lower
60: “He has more letters after his name than anypony I know, but I didn’t know he worked with the Councilor too.”
to lower
60: than Lighthooves. “Does the Councilor know about this plan?”
to lower
60: The Councilor would wet herself if she heard of it.
to lower
60: I thought the Councilor needed to know about it well before then.
to lower
60: All I could hope was that the Councilor could throw a switch and prevent the two from
to lower
60: No. We weren’t meeting with the Councilor till the morning. Why would she send
to lower
61: As the Councilor’s still-warm blood splashed across my head and face, I
to lower
61: And when the Councilor learned that there was a Neighvarro intelligence cell here wishing to
to lower
61: But I still didn’t understand why the Councilor had been there.
to lower
61: “They’re blaming me for the murder of the Councilor,” I muttered sullenly.
to lower
61: “With the Councilor dead, who takes over?”
to lower
61: If the Councilor dies, the Lieutenant Councilor takes over, but he resigned last week.
to lower (also Lieutenant Councilor)
61: hope you will keep my cooperation in mind when appointing the next Councilor to Thunderhead.
to lower, probably
61: Hand over everypony to the Enclave and... and I’m the next Councilor.
to lower, probably
61: If you hadn’t killed the Councilor and Stratus, then we never could have gotten our reserves back to the tower.
to lower
61: with the Striker family to murder both the Councilor and the Director of Security, Stratus.”
to lower
61: I don’t know who killed the Councilor, but it wasn’t her!”
to lower
Mayor:
45: shadows, and moved away when I approached them for directions to the cafeteria or the Mayor.
to lower
Doctor:
31: “Right. And what do you do for a living, doctor?” I asked, trying to divide my attention.
to upper
51: “I don’t even know which part of me is thinking right now. The Doctor? Shujaa?”
to lower, I think
60: “Oh, that would be fascinating!” the Doctor said immediately, grinning in his brushy beard, making Glory groan once more.
to lower
60: If he’d simply relaxed...” the Doctor tisked and shook his head.
to lower
60: I felt a shooty impulse... but it wasn’t like the Doctor had planned it.
to lower
62: Her smile faded as the Doctor said, “I’ve been trying to treat the Angel.
to lower
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Thu Nov 14, 2013 12:32 pm
I shan't deprive you of your entitlement on this matter, then. :)SilentCarto wrote:That's okay, everyone is entitled to be completely, totally wrong about something.O. Hinds wrote:...
http://xkcd.com/1285/
I fall into the camp on the left, I'm afraid.
Tis okay. Thank you for the corrections.Icy Shake wrote:1. Nobody expects you to be grateful for bad advice, I least of all.O. Hinds wrote:…So you didn't know? I assume that you'll be providing a list of the places in the chapter where the changes in you first list need to be undone? Actually, it would probably be simpler for you to provide a list of the places where captain and general do need to be capitalized; I can replace all to decapitalize the lot and then recapitalize the ones that ought to be capitalized.
edit: Sorry if that sounded ungrateful or otherwise rude. I'm just a bit annoyed at having to go back and refix a bunch of things that I painstakingly "fixed" not too long ago.
2. Of course. It's very much the least I can do.
I'm sorry.
- Rank Capitalization:
“You could try to throw your feathers in for High General,” (probably remains, as singular role)I have been given battlefield commission to Colonel and placed in command of this exercise,” (probably does not stay, as a general rank)
To keep capitalized:
commandeer a skywagon and get you to meet with General Chaser,”
“Relax. General Chaser doesn’t want a bloodbath
“General Chaser’s not the only pony you need to worry about,”
“I suspect it was Lighthooves that came up with the plan,” General Storm Chaser said coolly.
“General,” he said with a crisp salute of his wing. I noticed that he got a gun.
“Poor, General. We’re deployed too far back for effective interception.
General,” the Captain suggested.
General Chaser nodded and moved to the seat in the middle of the bridge.
“General has the conn,” he said as he
“General. High General Harbinger left standing orders that
“And then he went and got himself killed at Maripony,” General Storm Chaser growled in reply.
“What are you talking about, Blackjack?” General Chaser asked“What are you talking about, Blackjack?” General Chaser asked.
bridge exploded inwards behind General Storm Chaser.
“Captain! General!” screamed half the mares as they
crackling breath and shouted “Confirmed! General is dead! Blackjack is alive!
“General has the conn. Status?”
“Incoming fire, General!” shouted another.
“General. I’m not feeling…” a mare said
of the bridge mares shouted, “General! Look!”
head and blurted. “General… You… I… they
“This is General Storm Chaser,” she said grimly.
“General…” the helmsmare said, clearly as shocked as Storm
“This is General Storm Chaser. I acknowledge the order. I
General is removed from command. Tower is disabled.
What about you? What are you going to do, General?” I asked.
“Captain Afterburner’s right there, and she does not like you.
Situation, Captain Racewind?” the General asked
“Captain! I’ve got something strange. Two
position. “Captain, you have the conn.”
I watched as Captain Racewind slowly advanced across the bridge.
Captain! General!” screamed half the mares as th
“Captain Cirrus wants to hang back and soften their defenses more.
Captain Barrel Roll is directing damage control teams.
Captain Hoarfrost asked in amused tones that re
Captain Cirrus was a close friend of Captain Racewind.
Captain Snowblind never lets anyone see what she’s planning,”
swicked wrote:Buh?Icy Shake wrote:General,” the Captain suggested.
Shouldn't it be "the captain"?
Ah, thank you.Icy Shake wrote:My mistake: "General" is fine, "Captain" isn't.swicked wrote:Buh?Icy Shake wrote:General,” the Captain suggested.
Shouldn't it be "the captain"?
I should have explained the top grouping is for "general," the bottom for "captain."
Ah, thank you.Icy Shake wrote:While working on the below, I discovered that Lighthooves and Storm Chaser have very similar views on the unexpected.Lighthooves wrote:Maybe it’ll backfire. Maybe it’ll blow up in my face. Certainly possible. But Thunderhead Intelligence’s learned that, sometimes, the unexpected is the most effective move of all.Now, for the below, there are a couple of caveats: "high general" may be a case like "the Queen" which, only ever referring to one person at a time, could be an exception. Likewise, "honored councilor" may be different from other cases if it is either a singular title or treated as in the same category as "Your Majesty."Storm Chaser wrote:Occasionally, the unexpected is the most expedient.
- More Titles:
The ones with * depend on how you treat the specific case of "High General," that is, whether it is a case analogous to "the Queen" in the real-life Anglosphere.
51: From the cool disdain on her face, it was obvious that she was leaving it up to the General to show dishonor first.
to lower
51: *frowned at the High General’s glowering silence, and continued,
depends
51: *Something about her words snapped the High General out of his brooding.
depends
51: Harbinger and the General were leaving the monitor anyway; I supposed that the Goddess
to lower
58: *“For the High General!” screamed a voice from above us.
depends
59: “Occasionally, the unexpected is the most expedient,” the General said as she inspected some papers on her desk.
to lower
59: To the General’s credit, though, she knew how to pick them.
to lower
59: The General gave the mare a long stare, and she drew herself more rigid.
to lower
59: *Your High General was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
depends
59: *councilors blaming me for not physically stopping the High General from going in there,
depends
59: “I understand. I wouldn’t want to try to execute somepony I’d fought with either, Sergeant,” the General replied.
("Sergeant" is fine; "General" is not.)6059: able to avoid engaging the city directly,” the General said.
to lower
59: *“Is this the terrorist scum that killed the High General?”
depends
59: “Don’t kill them, Blackjack,” the General snapped, making all three of them pause.
to lower
59: The General clenched her jaw as she rose behind her desk.
to lower
59: interrogation was complete, Captain Crosswinds,” the General snapped.
("Captain" is correct; "General" is not.)
59: *burn or jump for what you did to the High General,”
depends
59: it’s you who will be summarily killed, by me,” the General replied,
to lower
59: Afterburner hissed through her teeth as the General pinned her with a glare and continued.
to lower
59: *All of you had a… personal… relationship with the High General.
depends
59: *“She killed the High General! Everypony knows it!”
depends
59: “So! You were saying?” I brightly asked the General as she sat
to lower
59: *“They were all extremely, inappropriately, close to the High General.
depends
59: *proficient at ferreting out information for the High General.
depends
59: Work with them to close him down?” I suggested, and the General frowned thoughtfully.
to lower
59: *“Now that the High General is dead, you have
depends
59: The General stared at me, then rubbed the bridge of her muzzle.
to lower
59: they’re willing to try.” The General shook her head.
to lower
59: “You’re suggesting that this is nothing more than a self-sacrificing PR stunt?” the General asked in low, skeptical tones.
to lower
59: They hadn’t blabbed about Glory being Rainbow Dash. I nodded once to the General.
to lower
59: I said to the pair, then turned a questioning expression to the General.
to lower
60: *over and was appointed High General, the first High General with no live combat experience.
depends x2
60: *“The Enclave has just lost its High General at Maripony.
depends
Lieutenant:
27: “Sergeant Wind Whisper.” . . . “It’s lieutenant, now, though being lieutenant of the Volunteer Corps is like being captain of a griffin dung cleanup crew.
This one might be "It's 'Lieutenant', now . . . " as she's referring to herself, "Lieutenant Wind Whisper," but confirmation from someone else would be a good call.
Sergeant:
13: I imagine it would have made your life easier, but the Sergeant only had orders to retrieve
to lower
13: “You’re sure there are raiders here?” I asked the Sergeant once I’d gotten
to lower
13: tossed it over my shoulder at the Sergeant backing me up.
to lower
13: Now that the Sergeant was in sight, the others busted their butts to clear out the farmhouse.
to lower
31: The question has also been raised of whether the Sergeant’s open intimate relationship with Shujaa is a conflict of loyalties.
to lower
33: “He’s a Sergeant! He’s a soldier!” Maripony yelled,
to lower
Director:
The ones with * are "Director of X," so you may feel they warrant different treatment. I thought the one from 38 could use extra context, but I do think it shouldn't be capitalized in the last line.
38: {
The pair gave her a sickly smile. “Ah, if we may ask… by any chance, have you spoken with the director about this?” Flim asked weakly.
“I don’t need to involve Horse, thank you very much. I am quite capable of handling this on my own.” The two shared a look.
“No no. Not him? I mean the other Director?” Flam winced as her gaze sharpened.
}
to lower, I think
42: “Suicide. Just couldn’t take it anymore, Gusty,” the Director said quickly.
to lower
42: “You-“ I reared up and brought (second hyphen for dash)
51: The Director bared his teeth, not bothering to hide his contempt.
to lower
51: *Chaser blinked and flushed, trying to glare an answer out of the Director of Enclave Intelligence.
depends
53: I ignored her request. “Where is the Director?” I asked slowly.
to lower
61: *with the Striker family to murder both the Councilor and the Director of Security, Stratus.”
depends (Councilor to lower)
61: I have evidence taken from the Director’s terminal of burst transmissions to Neighvarro
to lower
Councilor:
The ones with * are "Honored Councilor," and may be treated differently, possibly capitalized if that is how "High General" was treated, or otherwise capitalized if it's to be treated as in the same category as "Your Majesty."
51: *The light mare beside the Honored Councilor tried to hide her annoyance as the dark stallion on her other side just chuckled.
depends
51: *If you will please wait here, we’ll locate the Honored Councilor so you can depart together.
depends
52: *The Honored Councilor sent these three with him.”
depends
56: If we pick up Father on the way, we should be able to see the Councilor pretty much as soon as we arrive.”
to lower
60: “So, what is the plan for meeting with the Councilor?” Twister asked Glory.
to lower
60: I just figured we’d get up here and, one way or another, we’d get in contact with the Councilor.
to lower
60: Nopony is going to see the Councilor after hours, and it’s late.”
to lower
60: “Hmmm! I got it! We sneak in under the cover of darkness and talk to the Councilor in her bedroom!”
to lower
60: “Blackjack, Enclave Councilors have round the clock security,”
to lower, I think
60: We can’t trust them, and we’re still at a loss for how to contact the Councilor without ending up dead or in jail.”
to lower
60: “Dr. Morningstar is the Councilor’s secretary of science. If we talk
to lower
60: “He has more letters after his name than anypony I know, but I didn’t know he worked with the Councilor too.”
to lower
60: than Lighthooves. “Does the Councilor know about this plan?”
to lower
60: The Councilor would wet herself if she heard of it.
to lower
60: I thought the Councilor needed to know about it well before then.
to lower
60: All I could hope was that the Councilor could throw a switch and prevent the two from
to lower
60: No. We weren’t meeting with the Councilor till the morning. Why would she send
to lower
61: As the Councilor’s still-warm blood splashed across my head and face, I
to lower
61: And when the Councilor learned that there was a Neighvarro intelligence cell here wishing to
to lower
61: But I still didn’t understand why the Councilor had been there.
to lower
61: “They’re blaming me for the murder of the Councilor,” I muttered sullenly.
to lower
61: “With the Councilor dead, who takes over?”
to lower
61: If the Councilor dies, the Lieutenant Councilor takes over, but he resigned last week.
to lower (also Lieutenant Councilor)
61: hope you will keep my cooperation in mind when appointing the next Councilor to Thunderhead.
to lower, probably
61: Hand over everypony to the Enclave and... and I’m the next Councilor.
to lower, probably
61: If you hadn’t killed the Councilor and Stratus, then we never could have gotten our reserves back to the tower.
to lower
61: with the Striker family to murder both the Councilor and the Director of Security, Stratus.”
to lower
61: I don’t know who killed the Councilor, but it wasn’t her!”
to lower
Mayor:
45: shadows, and moved away when I approached them for directions to the cafeteria or the Mayor.
to lower
Doctor:
31: “Right. And what do you do for a living, doctor?” I asked, trying to divide my attention.
to upper
51: “I don’t even know which part of me is thinking right now. The Doctor? Shujaa?”
to lower, I think
60: “Oh, that would be fascinating!” the Doctor said immediately, grinning in his brushy beard, making Glory groan once more.
to lower
60: If he’d simply relaxed...” the Doctor tisked and shook his head.
to lower
60: I felt a shooty impulse... but it wasn’t like the Doctor had planned it.
to lower
62: Her smile faded as the Doctor said, “I’ve been trying to treat the Angel.
to lower
It would help if you provided a list by chapter, though, or at least of chapters included; that would be much more useful than a list by word for such an extensive multi-chapter error list, since opening chapters can be one of the largest (or at least seem like it) and most annoying parts of the job. As it is, I'm scrolling through your entire list looking for duplicate chapters. Hopefully I didn't miss anything, but I expect that your reread will eventually catch it if I did.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Thu Nov 14, 2013 8:25 pm
Well, once again, if you're starting the phrase with "the", do not capitalize. Think of it this way: it's only capitalized if you could replace the title (and only the title) with the person's name and it would still make sense. "Your Majesty", "Her Highness", and so on are therefore capitalized.Icy Shake wrote:While working on the below, I discovered that Lighthooves and Storm Chaser have very similar views on the unexpected.Lighthooves wrote:Maybe it’ll backfire. Maybe it’ll blow up in my face. Certainly possible. But Thunderhead Intelligence’s learned that, sometimes, the unexpected is the most effective move of all.Now, for the below, there are a couple of caveats: "high general" may be a case like "the Queen" which, only ever referring to one person at a time, could be an exception. Likewise, "honored councilor" may be different from other cases if it is either a singular title or treated as in the same category as "Your Majesty."Storm Chaser wrote:Occasionally, the unexpected is the most expedient.
- More Titles:
The ones with * depend on how you treat the specific case of "High General," that is, whether it is a case analogous to "the Queen" in the real-life Anglosphere.
51: From the cool disdain on her face, it was obvious that she was leaving it up to the General to show dishonor first.
to lower
51: *frowned at the High General’s glowering silence, and continued,
depends
51: *Something about her words snapped the High General out of his brooding.
depends
51: Harbinger and the General were leaving the monitor anyway; I supposed that the Goddess
to lower
58: *“For the High General!” screamed a voice from above us.
depends
59: “Occasionally, the unexpected is the most expedient,” the General said as she inspected some papers on her desk.
to lower
59: To the General’s credit, though, she knew how to pick them.
to lower
59: The General gave the mare a long stare, and she drew herself more rigid.
to lower
59: *Your High General was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.”
depends
59: *councilors blaming me for not physically stopping the High General from going in there,
depends
59: “I understand. I wouldn’t want to try to execute somepony I’d fought with either, Sergeant,” the General replied.
("Sergeant" is fine; "General" is not.)6059: able to avoid engaging the city directly,” the General said.
to lower
59: *“Is this the terrorist scum that killed the High General?”
depends
59: “Don’t kill them, Blackjack,” the General snapped, making all three of them pause.
to lower
59: The General clenched her jaw as she rose behind her desk.
to lower
59: interrogation was complete, Captain Crosswinds,” the General snapped.
("Captain" is correct; "General" is not.)
59: *burn or jump for what you did to the High General,”
depends
59: it’s you who will be summarily killed, by me,” the General replied,
to lower
59: Afterburner hissed through her teeth as the General pinned her with a glare and continued.
to lower
59: *All of you had a… personal… relationship with the High General.
depends
59: *“She killed the High General! Everypony knows it!”
depends
59: “So! You were saying?” I brightly asked the General as she sat
to lower
59: *“They were all extremely, inappropriately, close to the High General.
depends
59: *proficient at ferreting out information for the High General.
depends
59: Work with them to close him down?” I suggested, and the General frowned thoughtfully.
to lower
59: *“Now that the High General is dead, you have
depends
59: The General stared at me, then rubbed the bridge of her muzzle.
to lower
59: they’re willing to try.” The General shook her head.
to lower
59: “You’re suggesting that this is nothing more than a self-sacrificing PR stunt?” the General asked in low, skeptical tones.
to lower
59: They hadn’t blabbed about Glory being Rainbow Dash. I nodded once to the General.
to lower
59: I said to the pair, then turned a questioning expression to the General.
to lower
60: *over and was appointed High General, the first High General with no live combat experience.
depends x2
60: *“The Enclave has just lost its High General at Maripony.
depends
Lieutenant:
27: “Sergeant Wind Whisper.” . . . “It’s lieutenant, now, though being lieutenant of the Volunteer Corps is like being captain of a griffin dung cleanup crew.
This one might be "It's 'Lieutenant', now . . . " as she's referring to herself, "Lieutenant Wind Whisper," but confirmation from someone else would be a good call.
Sergeant:
13: I imagine it would have made your life easier, but the Sergeant only had orders to retrieve
to lower
13: “You’re sure there are raiders here?” I asked the Sergeant once I’d gotten
to lower
13: tossed it over my shoulder at the Sergeant backing me up.
to lower
13: Now that the Sergeant was in sight, the others busted their butts to clear out the farmhouse.
to lower
31: The question has also been raised of whether the Sergeant’s open intimate relationship with Shujaa is a conflict of loyalties.
to lower
33: “He’s a Sergeant! He’s a soldier!” Maripony yelled,
to lower
Director:
The ones with * are "Director of X," so you may feel they warrant different treatment. I thought the one from 38 could use extra context, but I do think it shouldn't be capitalized in the last line.
38: {
The pair gave her a sickly smile. “Ah, if we may ask… by any chance, have you spoken with the director about this?” Flim asked weakly.
“I don’t need to involve Horse, thank you very much. I am quite capable of handling this on my own.” The two shared a look.
“No no. Not him? I mean the other Director?” Flam winced as her gaze sharpened.
}
to lower, I think
42: “Suicide. Just couldn’t take it anymore, Gusty,” the Director said quickly.
to lower
42: “You-“ I reared up and brought (second hyphen for dash)
51: The Director bared his teeth, not bothering to hide his contempt.
to lower
51: *Chaser blinked and flushed, trying to glare an answer out of the Director of Enclave Intelligence.
depends
53: I ignored her request. “Where is the Director?” I asked slowly.
to lower
61: *with the Striker family to murder both the Councilor and the Director of Security, Stratus.”
depends (Councilor to lower)
61: I have evidence taken from the Director’s terminal of burst transmissions to Neighvarro
to lower
Councilor:
The ones with * are "Honored Councilor," and may be treated differently, possibly capitalized if that is how "High General" was treated, or otherwise capitalized if it's to be treated as in the same category as "Your Majesty."
51: *The light mare beside the Honored Councilor tried to hide her annoyance as the dark stallion on her other side just chuckled.
depends
51: *If you will please wait here, we’ll locate the Honored Councilor so you can depart together.
depends
52: *The Honored Councilor sent these three with him.”
depends
56: If we pick up Father on the way, we should be able to see the Councilor pretty much as soon as we arrive.”
to lower
60: “So, what is the plan for meeting with the Councilor?” Twister asked Glory.
to lower
60: I just figured we’d get up here and, one way or another, we’d get in contact with the Councilor.
to lower
60: Nopony is going to see the Councilor after hours, and it’s late.”
to lower
60: “Hmmm! I got it! We sneak in under the cover of darkness and talk to the Councilor in her bedroom!”
to lower
60: “Blackjack, Enclave Councilors have round the clock security,”
to lower, I think
60: We can’t trust them, and we’re still at a loss for how to contact the Councilor without ending up dead or in jail.”
to lower
60: “Dr. Morningstar is the Councilor’s secretary of science. If we talk
to lower
60: “He has more letters after his name than anypony I know, but I didn’t know he worked with the Councilor too.”
to lower
60: than Lighthooves. “Does the Councilor know about this plan?”
to lower
60: The Councilor would wet herself if she heard of it.
to lower
60: I thought the Councilor needed to know about it well before then.
to lower
60: All I could hope was that the Councilor could throw a switch and prevent the two from
to lower
60: No. We weren’t meeting with the Councilor till the morning. Why would she send
to lower
61: As the Councilor’s still-warm blood splashed across my head and face, I
to lower
61: And when the Councilor learned that there was a Neighvarro intelligence cell here wishing to
to lower
61: But I still didn’t understand why the Councilor had been there.
to lower
61: “They’re blaming me for the murder of the Councilor,” I muttered sullenly.
to lower
61: “With the Councilor dead, who takes over?”
to lower
61: If the Councilor dies, the Lieutenant Councilor takes over, but he resigned last week.
to lower (also Lieutenant Councilor)
61: hope you will keep my cooperation in mind when appointing the next Councilor to Thunderhead.
to lower, probably
61: Hand over everypony to the Enclave and... and I’m the next Councilor.
to lower, probably
61: If you hadn’t killed the Councilor and Stratus, then we never could have gotten our reserves back to the tower.
to lower
61: with the Striker family to murder both the Councilor and the Director of Security, Stratus.”
to lower
61: I don’t know who killed the Councilor, but it wasn’t her!”
to lower
Mayor:
45: shadows, and moved away when I approached them for directions to the cafeteria or the Mayor.
to lower
Doctor:
31: “Right. And what do you do for a living, doctor?” I asked, trying to divide my attention.
to upper
51: “I don’t even know which part of me is thinking right now. The Doctor? Shujaa?”
to lower, I think
60: “Oh, that would be fascinating!” the Doctor said immediately, grinning in his brushy beard, making Glory groan once more.
to lower
60: If he’d simply relaxed...” the Doctor tisked and shook his head.
to lower
60: I felt a shooty impulse... but it wasn’t like the Doctor had planned it.
to lower
62: Her smile faded as the Doctor said, “I’ve been trying to treat the Angel.
to lower
"Would Your Majesty like a drink?" -> "Would Celestia like a drink?" (Kind of odd to address her in the third person, but that's how 'Your Majesty' works.)
"Is Her Highness well?" -> "Is Luna well?"
"I don't like it, Captain." -> "I don't like it, Shining Armor."
If you're merely talking about the high general, you wouldn't say "The Harbinger"*, so no caps.
"What did the princess say?" -> "What did the Twilight Sparkle say?"
That said, some people will insist on capitalizing their own ruler no matter what.
*In before ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Thu Nov 14, 2013 9:09 pm
We'll see. It sounds like you've already taken care of those, but let me know what you think of this format, in case I should ever try something like it again. I figure losing order within a chapter is less harmful, as ^F is how you'd find everything anyway.O. Hinds wrote:It would help if you provided a list by chapter, though, or at least of chapters included; that would be much more useful than a list by word for such an extensive multi-chapter error list, since opening chapters can be one of the largest (or at least seem like it) and most annoying parts of the job. As it is, I'm scrolling through your entire list looking for duplicate chapters. Hopefully I didn't miss anything, but I expect that your reread will eventually catch it if I did.
- Spoiler:
38: { “I don’t need to involve Horse, thank you very much. I am quite capable of handling this on my own.” The two shared a look. “No no. Not him? I mean the other Director?” Flam winced as her gaze sharpened. to lower (director) } 13: “You’re sure there are raiders here?” I asked the Sergeant once I’d gotten to lower (sergeant) 13: I imagine it would have made your life easier, but the Sergeant only had orders to retrieve to lower (sergeant) 13: Now that the Sergeant was in sight, the others busted their butts to clear out the farmhouse. to lower (sergeant) 13: tossed it over my shoulder at the Sergeant backing me up. to lower (sergeant) 27: “Sergeant Wind Whisper.” . . . “It’s lieutenant, now, though being lieutenant of the Volunteer Corps is like being captain of a griffin dung cleanup crew. possibly "It's Lieutenant, now," depending on how you look at it 31: “Right. And what do you do for a living, doctor?” I asked, trying to divide my attention. to upper, doctor 31: The question has also been raised of whether the Sergeant’s open intimate relationship with Shujaa is a conflict of loyalties. to lower, sergeant 33: “He’s a Sergeant! He’s a soldier!” Maripony yelled, to lower, sergeant 42: “Suicide. Just couldn’t take it anymore, Gusty,” the Director said quickly. to lower, director 42: “You-“ I reared up and brought (second hyphen for dash) second hyphen for dash 45: shadows, and moved away when I approached them for directions to the cafeteria or the Mayor. to lower, mayor 51: *Chaser blinked and flushed, trying to glare an answer out of the Director of Enclave Intelligence. depends 51: *frowned at the High General’s glowering silence, and continued, depends 51: *If you will please wait here, we’ll locate the Honored Councilor so you can depart together. depends 51: *Something about her words snapped the High General out of his brooding. depends 51: *The light mare beside the Honored Councilor tried to hide her annoyance as the dark stallion on her other side just chuckled. depends 51: “I don’t even know which part of me is thinking right now. The Doctor? Shujaa?” to lower, doctor 51: From the cool disdain on her face, it was obvious that she was leaving it up to the General to show dishonor first. to lower, general 51: Harbinger and the General were leaving the monitor anyway; I supposed that the Goddess to lower, general 51: The Director bared his teeth, not bothering to hide his contempt. to lower, director 52: *The Honored Councilor sent these three with him.” depends 53: I ignored her request. “Where is the Director?” I asked slowly. to lower, director 56: If we pick up Father on the way, we should be able to see the Councilor pretty much as soon as we arrive.” to lower, councilor 58: *“For the High General!” screamed a voice from above us. depends 59: *“Is this the terrorist scum that killed the High General?” depends 59: *“Now that the High General is dead, you have depends 59: *“She killed the High General! Everypony knows it!” depends 59: *“They were all extremely, inappropriately, close to the High General. depends 59: *All of you had a… personal… relationship with the High General. depends 59: *burn or jump for what you did to the High General,” depends 59: *councilors blaming me for not physically stopping the High General from going in there, depends 59: *proficient at ferreting out information for the High General. depends 59: *Your High General was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.” depends 59: “Don’t kill them, Blackjack,” the General snapped, making all three of them pause. to lower, general 59: “I understand. I wouldn’t want to try to execute somepony I’d fought with either, Sergeant,” the General replied. to lower, general 59: “Occasionally, the unexpected is the most expedient,” the General said as she inspected some papers on her desk. to lower, general 59: “So! You were saying?” I brightly asked the General as she sat to lower, general 59: “You’re suggesting that this is nothing more than a self-sacrificing PR stunt?” the General asked in low, skeptical tones. to lower, general 59: Afterburner hissed through her teeth as the General pinned her with a glare and continued. to lower, general 59: I said to the pair, then turned a questioning expression to the General. to lower, general 59: interrogation was complete, Captain Crosswinds,” the General snapped. to lower, general 59: it’s you who will be summarily killed, by me,” the General replied, to lower, general 59: The General clenched her jaw as she rose behind her desk. to lower, general 59: The General gave the mare a long stare, and she drew herself more rigid. to lower, general 59: The General stared at me, then rubbed the bridge of her muzzle. to lower, general 59: They hadn’t blabbed about Glory being Rainbow Dash. I nodded once to the General. to lower, general 59: they’re willing to try.” The General shook her head. to lower, general 59: To the General’s credit, though, she knew how to pick them. to lower, general 59: Work with them to close him down?” I suggested, and the General frowned thoughtfully. to lower, general 60: *“The Enclave has just lost its High General at Maripony. depends 60: *over and was appointed High General, the first High General with no live combat experience. depends 60: “Blackjack, Enclave Councilors have round the clock security,” depends 60: “Dr. Morningstar is the Councilor’s secretary of science. If we talk to lower, councilor 60: “He has more letters after his name than anypony I know, but I didn’t know he worked with the Councilor too.” to lower, councilor 60: “Hmmm! I got it! We sneak in under the cover of darkness and talk to the Councilor in her bedroom!” to lower, councilor 60: “Oh, that would be fascinating!” the Doctor said immediately, grinning in his brushy beard, making Glory groan once more. to lower, doctor 60: “So, what is the plan for meeting with the Councilor?” Twister asked Glory. to lower, councilor 60: able to avoid engaging the city directly,” the General said. to lower, general 60: All I could hope was that the Councilor could throw a switch and prevent the two from to lower, councilor 60: I felt a shooty impulse... but it wasn’t like the Doctor had planned it. to lower, doctor 60: I just figured we’d get up here and, one way or another, we’d get in contact with the Councilor. to lower, councilor 60: I thought the Councilor needed to know about it well before then. to lower, councilor 60: If he’d simply relaxed...” the Doctor tisked and shook his head. to lower, doctor 60: No. We weren’t meeting with the Councilor till the morning. Why would she send to lower, councilor 60: Nopony is going to see the Councilor after hours, and it’s late.” to lower, councilor 60: than Lighthooves. “Does the Councilor know about this plan?” to lower, councilor 60: The Councilor would wet herself if she heard of it. to lower, councilor 60: We can’t trust them, and we’re still at a loss for how to contact the Councilor without ending up dead or in jail.” to lower, councilor 61: *with the Striker family to murder both the Councilor and the Director of Security, Stratus.” depends (DoS), to lower, councilor 61: “They’re blaming me for the murder of the Councilor,” I muttered sullenly. to lower, councilor 61: “With the Councilor dead, who takes over?” to lower, councilor 61: And when the Councilor learned that there was a Neighvarro intelligence cell here wishing to to lower, councilor 61: As the Councilor’s still-warm blood splashed across my head and face, I to lower, councilor 61: But I still didn’t understand why the Councilor had been there. to lower, councilor 61: Hand over everypony to the Enclave and... and I’m the next Councilor. to lower, councilor 61: hope you will keep my cooperation in mind when appointing the next Councilor to Thunderhead. depends, probably to lower councilor 61: I don’t know who killed the Councilor, but it wasn’t her!” to lower, councilor 61: I have evidence taken from the Director’s terminal of burst transmissions to Neighvarro to lower, director 61: If the Councilor dies, the Lieutenant Councilor takes over, but he resigned last week. to lower, lieu. Coun. And coun 61: If you hadn’t killed the Councilor and Stratus, then we never could have gotten our reserves back to the tower. to lower, councilor 61: with the Striker family to murder both the Councilor and the Director of Security, Stratus.” to lower, councilor 62: Her smile faded as the Doctor said, “I’ve been trying to treat the Angel. to lower, doctor
Well, my understanding is that the specificity of titles can make a difference, in that some don't merely modify or take the place of proper nouns, but are treated as such themselves. See, for instance, the distinction between "I sent a letter to the duke," and "I sent a letter to the Duke of Norfolk" (operating much like "His Grace" or, as above, "Her Highness). Likewise, some offices are capitalized in general, even when referring to the holder of that office, as in "This was decided jointly with Turkey as the host nation and in close coordination with the Supreme Allied Commander Europe, following a military assessment by the Allies involved and NATO’s Military Authorities."SilentCarto wrote:Well, once again, if you're starting the phrase with "the", do not capitalize. Think of it this way: it's only capitalized if you could replace the title (and only the title) with the person's name and it would still make sense. "Your Majesty", "Her Highness", and so on are therefore capitalized.
"Would Your Majesty like a drink?" -> "Would Celestia like a drink?" (Kind of odd to address her in the third person, but that's how 'Your Majesty' works.)
"Is Her Highness well?" -> "Is Luna well?"
"I don't like it, Captain." -> "I don't like it, Shining Armor."
If you're merely talking about the high general, you wouldn't say "The Harbinger"*, so no caps.
"What did the princess say?" -> "What did the Twilight Sparkle say?"
That said, some people will insist on capitalizing their own ruler no matter what.
*In before ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL.
Then you have cases of disagreement, as with the pope. The Guardian capitalizes "the Pope," while, for instance, The Boston Globe does not, though that could be a trans-Atlantic divergence in the treatment of titles.
But wouldn't it be nice if it were simple and everyone agreed?
Oh, and "Your Highness" is, I believe, second person, not third.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Derpmind Thu Nov 14, 2013 9:32 pm
Pony + Post-Apocalypse + Whisky + Grammar = This thread.
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