Sister forum[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Moodyman90 Sun Dec 08, 2013 2:18 am
What I say still stands, take all the time ya'll need. Pretty sure everybody on the site understands the reasoning to take time off from nearly everything because of finals.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Dec 08, 2013 2:42 am
Also plenty of good Boo, for those who like cuteness.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Sun Dec 08, 2013 5:05 am
Well, looks like I'm buying a ticket for the hype train, you guys.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Caoimhe Sun Dec 08, 2013 10:11 am
Amazing compelling action and storytelling just time time for the holidays and Oscar pick season. I'm psyched.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Derpmind Sun Dec 08, 2013 10:46 am
Somber is the bomb.Somber wrote:Anyway, hinds, bro, and swicked know what the four words, fifteen letters are.
swicked wrote:It's the brushing that has to be put off due to finals, so... Hinds and myself are the ones taking the time we need ^_^;;
Cave of Fail! Slink! Now!O. Hinds wrote:Sorry!
Me too. Hey, Hinds, you know lots about trains; how big is the hype train?Overlong Analysis Cobalt wrote:Well, looks like I'm buying a ticket for the hype train, you guys.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Sun Dec 08, 2013 12:24 pm
That's wonderful to hear! I've an idea how much this must mean to you.Somber wrote:It is too horrible...
Though... Kkat said she actually read a few chapters of Horizons and liked them so...
- um...:
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 23 GVTJs](https://2img.net/h/iambrony.dget.cc/mlp/gif/gVTJs.gif)
No two hype trains are the same, but what they have in common is that their size is a monotonically increasing function as time to the destination falls; that's why they have a tendency to get so unbalanced.Derpmind wrote:Somber is the bomb.Somber wrote:Anyway, hinds, bro, and swicked know what the four words, fifteen letters are.swicked wrote:It's the brushing that has to be put off due to finals, so... Hinds and myself are the ones taking the time we need ^_^;;Cave of Fail! Slink! Now!O. Hinds wrote:Sorry!Me too. Hey, Hinds, you know lots about trains; how big is the hype train?Overlong Analysis Cobalt wrote:Well, looks like I'm buying a ticket for the hype train, you guys.
And, yeah, count me in as a passenger, but I kind of feel like after this:
it's all downhill/falling action: to me, this is where Blackjack won. (Of course, there could be backslides.)The Second to Last Paragraph of Chapter 62 Part One wrote:She was down there... Cognitum, and possibly Dawn too. I could just go down there and end it. Get my answers, stop her, and wake from this bad dream I’d been living for two months. All it would take was for me to throw the lives of thousands into the wind. “You’re lucky I have bigger things to worry about,” I growled, pointing a hoof at the glowing pit below me. “But don’t get too comfortable. The second I’m done here, you’re next.” There was every possibility that this would get me killed, but, for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel the slightest selfish hope that I’d die.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scienza Sun Dec 08, 2013 2:24 pm
Somber, relax. The rate at which you and the editmen crank out new chapters is already like fucking inhuman. With practically every other fic I've ever followed, I could expect, at best, maybe a 5-10k word chapter once every 3-6 months if at all. Somehow, you and the editing team have continuously been able to produce excellent 20-30k word chapters every 2 months or so for years.Somber wrote:I'm really really REALLY sorry but we won't be finishing 62b together. Folks have finals this upcoming week. So between thanksgiving last week and finals this week and... ugh...
Sorry everypony...
::Slinks off to the cave of fail::
We've stuck by you for this far, we won't suddenly abandon you or this fic after a few weeks.
And then Blackjack wakes up in a ruined hospital room, the straps on her bed releasing now that the Happyhorn Simulation has finally completed its purpose.Icy Shake wrote:And, yeah, count me in as a passenger, but I kind of feel like after this:it's all downhill/falling action: to me, this is where Blackjack won. (Of course, there could be backslides.)The Second to Last Paragraph of Chapter 62 Part One wrote:She was down there... Cognitum, and possibly Dawn too. I could just go down there and end it. Get my answers, stop her, and wake from this bad dream I’d been living for two months. All it would take was for me to throw the lives of thousands into the wind. “You’re lucky I have bigger things to worry about,” I growled, pointing a hoof at the glowing pit below me. “But don’t get too comfortable. The second I’m done here, you’re next.” There was every possibility that this would get me killed, but, for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel the slightest selfish hope that I’d die.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by RoboRed Sun Dec 08, 2013 5:04 pm
I'm sorry, but I fail to see how this is a fail. It's not your fault this happened.Somber wrote:I'm really really REALLY sorry but we won't be finishing 62b together. Folks have finals this upcoming week. So between thanksgiving last week and finals this week and... ugh...
Sorry everypony...
::Slinks off to the cave of fail::
My body is ready to commence with the screwing.swicked wrote:By the way, this chapter is really great.
Not just Somber great, but Somber at his best great.
It's got action, gore, Rampage being Rampage, explosions, fighting, intrigue, sexy mares, sexy stallions, more explosions, dick jokes, the big showdown and... what was that? More explosions? Really? Well, alright then.
Also, like, three or four twists. Maybe five.
This chapter is going to screw you up.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Sun Dec 08, 2013 5:35 pm
Yeah, what with one thing and another, I've had one "weekly" RPG session in the past month and a half.Moodyman90 wrote:What I say still stands, take all the time ya'll need. Pretty sure everybody on the site understands the reasoning to take time off from nearly everything because of finals.
I'm jonesin', man. Startin' to get the shakes...
*uncontrollable giggling*Derpmind wrote:Somber is the bomb.Somber wrote:Anyway, hinds, bro, and swicked know what the four words, fifteen letters are.Cave of Fail! Slink! Now!swicked wrote:It's the brushing that has to be put off due to finals, so... Hinds and myself are the ones taking the time we need ^_^;;
Derpmind wrote:Me too. Hey, Hinds, you know lots about trains; how big is the hype train?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by RoboRed Sun Dec 08, 2013 5:50 pm
+1 for Johnny Bravo.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Evilgidgit Sun Dec 08, 2013 7:20 pm
Somber = 
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Dec 08, 2013 7:51 pm
…Insufficient data. :)Derpmind wrote:Me too. Hey, Hinds, you know lots about trains; how big is the hype train?
I still have trouble believing the "years" thing… It really doesnt't feel like it's been over two years. In any case, though, our production rate is still far below peak; we used to be able to manage thirty pages a week, IIRC.Scienza wrote:The rate at which you and the editmen crank out new chapters is already like fucking inhuman. With practically every other fic I've ever followed, I could expect, at best, maybe a 5-10k word chapter once every 3-6 months if at all. Somehow, you and the editing team have continuously been able to produce excellent 20-30k word chapters every 2 months or so for years.
:DScienza wrote:And then Blackjack wakes up in a ruined hospital room, the straps on her bed releasing now that the Happyhorn Simulation has finally completed its purpose.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Mon Dec 09, 2013 12:04 am
Scienza: I like it.
Anyway, read chapter thirty four today; I remember, nearly two years ago now, when "Black" was released and (since individual story updates got their own Equestria Daily posts at the time) the EqD admin posting the update remarked that he didn't know how the story could continue after it, but that it would. This gave the answer to how that would happen, and along the way gave some very interesting world-building and fun times. I've gone back to parts of it before, mostly the star scene, but never the whole thing. It's held up well, not only as a great continuation from the previous chapter, but as an example of the range the story hits.
Oh, you do recall correctly. I used to base my time on the assumption I'd be reading one once per week, plus sometimes a chapter of FoE (wait . . . used to?). The only time it really bit me was "Shadow of the Ministries": since the Google Docs (well, called that at the time, anyway) scroll bar maxed out for every chapter, I couldn't tell that it was three times or more the length of a normal one. That experience, I believe, was what led me to adopt the habit of watching how much screen distance of the scroll bar is covered by a page-down. But back to the update pace: yes, at peak, you were going at a rate of over one million words per year. And good ones, too.O. Hinds wrote:I still have trouble believing the "years" thing… It really doesnt't feel like it's been over two years. In any case, though, our production rate is still far below peak; we used to be able to manage thirty pages a week, IIRC.Scienza wrote:The rate at which you and the editmen crank out new chapters is already like fucking inhuman. With practically every other fic I've ever followed, I could expect, at best, maybe a 5-10k word chapter once every 3-6 months if at all. Somehow, you and the editing team have continuously been able to produce excellent 20-30k word chapters every 2 months or so for years.
Anyway, read chapter thirty four today; I remember, nearly two years ago now, when "Black" was released and (since individual story updates got their own Equestria Daily posts at the time) the EqD admin posting the update remarked that he didn't know how the story could continue after it, but that it would. This gave the answer to how that would happen, and along the way gave some very interesting world-building and fun times. I've gone back to parts of it before, mostly the star scene, but never the whole thing. It's held up well, not only as a great continuation from the previous chapter, but as an example of the range the story hits.
- Chapter Thirty Four Running Thoughts:
- Once, after Hatches got killed, I’d asked Hymnal about what happened when we died.
. . .
The answer she gave was simple: we went into the recycler and somepony took our place.
. . .
She attempted some muttered comment about how, when you died, you went to the everafter to be reunited with the princesses and your loved ones. Then she reported me to Mom, and one sore butt later I learned not to harass our stable’s duly appointed spiritual leader.
That's some real good spiritual leadership, there. Granted, considering the quality of security work Blackjack would demonstrate before leaving the stable, perhaps it's best not to throw too many stones.
It was at this moment that I had my epiphany: death is really boring.
I guess it could be worse. But it's interesting to remember that this was also her primary outlook on life before Deus.
A tiny pinprick of lavender light far off in the distance came to life,
. . .
I moved closer still and saw a second light, a soft orange point that sang the other sound. And then a third was born, a cheery pink. Another, majestic purple. Teal. A pair, green and gold. A pair of pink motes pranced and tumbled around each other with a tinkling like laughter while a purple and lavender pair hovered attentively nearby.
Lavender - Gin Rummy
Orange - Applejack
Pink - Pinky Pie
Purple - Rarity
Teal - ??? not Rainbow Dash, probably Scoodle
Green - ??? I don't think I ever had a good guess on this one
Gold - ??? The best I could ever come up with was Goldenblood, and that's far from a sure thing
Pink * 2 - ???
Purple, lavender - ??? I was originally thinking Thorn and Roses, but Thorn was pink in 18 ("After all, I was bleeding out slowly and Thorn was now an orphan. “We know how you feel,” one of the ghoul foals told the pink unicorn. “Our parents are dead too.”" and "She looked at her daughter, but the pink filly was captivated by the dirty little sock puppet.") and lavender in 19 (I ran to the puppet and saw the lavender filly running towards the bridge. )
They weren’t just lights in the sky. Well… they were. But they were other things as well. Like how, when you took a hoof and held it in front of one open eye, you could see both your hoof and whatever the other eye saw.
I think that this does a good job of setting the tone of the narration as someone out of her depth, unable to really understand, much less explain, the new experiences she faces, better even than when she just says she doesn't understand them.
Other beings flitted among them and spread chaos and discord to stir up new melodies and music they could not create themselves.
Probably unavoidable since there's just generally a fair amount of overlap among creation/fall stories, but it reminds me particularly of the Music of the Ainur at the start of the Silmarilion, but with a twist.
And I knew that I was home. I could stay here, if I wanted. There was always room for one more. For countless more. And I’d be happy here, I was sure of it. A part of me belonged here.
Were it not for the "but" that's coming, this scene could serve as something of a coda to a life that ended in "Black." And it would, I think, be a sweet one. And yet, I think that it's for the very reason I remarked on in an earlier post today, that it's only much later that she really, unreservedly wants to live, that she can't embrace the peace of the everafter now.
I looked back at my world. There were so few glimmering lights, and there seemed to be almost a spider’s web of shadow draped over the entire world. Some light escaped… but most seemed caught in that dark web covering everything. The light of those orbiting spheres couldn’t reach most of the world, try as they might to find some gap in the darkness and shadows.
So there's something wrong, something abnormally so. And, considering the context, it's not so hard to think that it's merely the Wasteland, the aftereffects of the planet's great war.
It accompanied a star glowing with a fierce blue-white corona. A pony… no. An alicorn, proud and regal and glorious. He spread his wings wide and sang his note loud and gloriously across the heavens. He drove back those shadows beyond and all things that dwelled within. Such was he that his song drowned out all others as he swelled with pride. I expected the star to eventually stop and take a break, but he didn’t. Instead, he grew along with his volume.
And here's our Lucifer, or our Melkor. It's no surprise that pride is singled out here, but I do find it interesting, and I think more satisfying, that the others spreading chaos and disharmony already existed, rather than all being tempted to break from the chorus by him.
The mischievous ones floated about him, trying to trick him and break his onerous note, but he burned them with his scorn.
In fact, I like this alteration very much, and it ties in to the later remark by Discord that not even he would be so foolish to sing that note.
It was if he were trying to fill all the universe with the single overwhelming note! He struggled with the strain, the note transforming into a scream.
I think that they make a great antogonistic pair, as each is characterized by a form of narcissism. The Eater's is simple and played straight. In contrast, Blackjack's is a brand of self-loathing which results in projecting blame for far too much onto herself, and relatedly the belief that it's her proper role to sacrifice herself for everyone—or indeed (almost) anyone.
Then his cloud fell inward; he would not die as the other luminous ones had, would not share his life. His blue glow contracted and darkened. Something that was a star hardened and transformed from light to something dark and base.
And here's where the ties start being made between pride and the other sins, this being greed.
From the chapter:
The twisted remains curved towards it, speeding as they plunged towards the highest snow-capped mountain. The blast shattered the great peak, blasting it apart into flying stone. An immense pillar of cinder and flame shot up, raining down in an ever-widening circle of destruction. More mountains split and shattered, vomiting great torrents of fire and surging floods of magma. The forests transformed into sheets of flame. The seas were poisoned by ash and pieces of the star. The sky was rendered black with clouds. Those fragile motes and their infant songs were snuffed out in an instant.
From the introduction to Fallout: Equestria:
A great cleansing; a magical spark struck by pony hooves quickly raged out of control. Megaspells rained from the skies. Entire lands were swallowed in flames and fell beneath the boiling oceans. Ponykind was almost extinguished, their spirits becoming part of the ambient radiation that blanketed the lands. A quiet darkness fell across the world...
From the great impact a ring of stone formed, the pieces drawing together to collect the tiny specks of life.
Ah, here we go: the start to the answer.
Most had no idea what was beneath them... but for some, sleep was troubled as the star droned its hateful tune. And from the pain it caused came inspiration for magic dark and foul.
It's hardly the first time, or particularly surprising, especially given the setup of the chapterbut very Lovecraftian.
Thousands were offered in sacrifice, their screams rising up until the heavens could no longer bear them, and one star plunged down to silence it forever . . . But the dark heart was still not destroyed; it caught the falling star and consumed the luminescent being within. Only two specks escaped… one rising to the sun… the other to the moon.
. . .
The star once more whispered and tempted, ensnaring the heart of a beautiful princess and turning her against her sister… but the sister wisely banished her from the earth and to the moon where the glowing light could leech out her poison and venom till a chance at redemption was possible.
I hadn't really thought about it before, but the corruption of Luna is all the sadder because she was a remnant of the sacrifice made to combat the fallen star.
Time, though, was forever on the side of something older than the moon itself,
Was this a direct reference to Lovecraft?
It was too big. Too much. Even for me. And the glowing ponies around me agreed in their song.
But that was the point…
Of course it was too big for one pony. For one anything! That was why the single star with its single note had failed. Not even these glowing stars could keep back the darkness alone. It was when they worked together, combining their songs and changing… growing… that they could drive that vast and terrible darkness back. Harmony, not power, was their strength.
Is this the most direct invocation of the show's core theme in the story to date?
And the stars’ song turned mournful. No parent wanted to lose their child. But I wasn’t a child any more. I turned to see that glowing lavender unicorn with a striped purple and red mane, and she smiled. ‘Security saves ponies’, she seemed to say. Then she leaned down and kissed my brow, and her gentle light became my world.
It might have been possible to end the soul vision better, but I don't have any idea how. It's just too bad that Blackjack can't really remember it, especially given how she never really got to experience her mother's approval during life.
Your mouth has also been altered, so you can now eat not only regular food but also gemstones and pieces of scrap metal.
I still like to think that she would have eaten and liked Glory's cyberpony pancakes even as a regular pony, even if it would have hurt her teeth and made her sick.
According to your friends, this won’t be a big dietary change for you.
Silver Stripe beat me to it!
“Though you will still need to sleep occasionally to let your brain rest. There’s a function in the PipBuck interface to let you know how badly you need it.
No kidding.
“Did you lie to me about that?” I asked as I stared into her gray eyes. I saw the tired sadness within them. “Please tell me you lied to me.”
“They’re good parts. Two centuries old… but well made,” she replied softly.
Of course, Blackjack isn't the only one who makes big sacrifices.
For a hundred and fifty years I sat in Tenpony Tower planning for the day when I’d actually start fixing things… and as soon as I got the chance, all I did was trot around in circles killing raiders and gangs and driving my friends away from me.
Well, when you put it that way . . . it doesn't sound so different from Blackjack's last month or so.
She closed her eyes. “There is something else… yes.” She took a deep breath. “You may be related to one of the Ministry Mares.”
Not such a surprise, given what we knew about EC-1101 and the ability to read between the lines regarding the silver bullet cases, especially if you assume the reader's already read FoE, but yeah, news to her.
“Two reasons,” she replied soberly. “The first is that Glory told me about the silver bullets and the black security cases they came inside.”
Speak of the devil.
“Yeah, what was with that?” I asked with a small frown. “I mean, the whole ‘no dating, no kids’ thing.”
Yeah, that's always seemed kind of dumb, on the simple everyday real-world level and all the more so because Equestria is the land of magical friendship and love—and that was arguably implicitly true even before the introduction of Cadence.
Zony explains (and frankly doesn't seem too invested in it herself, but I might just be projecting), and yeah, that's pretty weak sauce.
“No. What they want you to do is to try and open a door,” she said grimly. “A door that can only be opened by a Ministry Mare. One particular mare.”
Ah, yes. I remember this door and the months of speculation it fueled, not to mention some heated discussion of the mechanics of doors and how or why different locking mechanisms would be installed on them, and at what point, and the bureaucratic decision-making process of assigning offices, and more. It was probably even bigger than the Great Train Discussion of summer 2012.
I slowly turned and looked up at the cybernetic sand dog, Rover. He snorted. “Pony is awake. Pony should still be sleeping.”
Right, because she's the one who can control stuff like that right now.
These legs didn’t feel like my legs. They felt like… like enormous complicated booties glued to my body.
That's just such a silly description, but I love it.
I gasped… and yet… my heart didn’t thunder in my chest. My pulse didn’t pound in my ears. My body felt unnaturally quiet and still as I stared up at them.
I think that this is the part that best sets up the alien feeling, because instead of just different physical feelings, it's messing with her reactions to emotions. Of course, it's not so different from having a pacemaker, though I think that then you can still have surges in blood pressure, even if your pulse is fixed.
At least my mutated limbs had been a part of myself. Now it felt like half my body was wrong.
But I’d gotten used to faking it.
Yeah, this feels about right. (You bite that bullet!)
“I think they realized at that point that there was a mistake in their security policy. Actually, I think they were going to shoot me on general principle, can you imagine? Nearly had to commit a bloodbath just to be allowed inside,”
Well, it's not that that's wrong, but I think the point is more to minimize than prevent damage entirely, relying on the fact you'd be forced out in the end to provide the ultimate disincentive: they weren't oriented so much at raiders as ensuring good behavior among their own people.
“Fortunately, they reconsidered when I shot myself in the head in front of them. For some reason, that just cut right through all the arguments.”
I can see how that might happen.
I hoped that meant that they didn’t see me trying to squirm out of my own limbs.
I bet that would be cute to watch, though.
“When Glory used your broadcaster, she got help from all over the Hoof!” Scotch said with a grin.
The long range of that broadcaster is a fickle mistress; sometimes she gives, and sometimes she gives more than you ever wanted.
“Sure, Sanguine made his snotty offer, but so did the professor. Well, not snotty in her case. Dusty Trails sent a box of gems straight quick. Bottlecap didn’t have any parts, but she said the vendors took up a collection for when you were better. Hell, even Caprice sent a whole case of quality chems, plus every chunk of Deus she could find. Apparently, she only sold Zodiac the back half and was still trying to figure what the front end was really worth.”
And our It's a Wonderful Life moment, though with the offer from the bad guy moved to the end.
“You mean I have pieces of Deus in me?” No wonder my insides felt out of it. I could almost hear tiny metal parts inside me screaming ‘CUUUNNNTTTT!’.
And that was a very real worry you had for a long time, too. Also, gotta love MisterMech.![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 23 Side_e10](https://i.servimg.com/u/f55/17/64/26/08/side_e10.jpg)
All this attention… I was nothing special. Even if what the professor said was true, I didn’t deserve it.
Sadly, they haven't yet figured out how to transplant self-worth.
She sniffed again and nodded, pressing her hindlegs tightly together.
I did not notice that the first time around.
“Well, so long as everypony understands that I am one lousy Reaper,” I said as I closed my eyes, then frowned and peeked, catching the three of them giving each other skeptical glances. I gave a stern look, and all of them blinked and grinned.
“Absolutely! Blackjack: Worst. Reaper. Ever,” Rampage said, and Scotch nodded quickly along with her.
Come on, everyone, it's time for your favorite party game: Enabling Blackjack's Denial!
“They still don’t even know if he drowned or got vaporized when the Celestia blew.”
I see Blackjack still hasn't learned they aren't dead unless you've seen the body. Of course, I'm not sure seeing the body makes it a sure thing in this story.
“What’s… what’s happened? Where am I? This isn’t Miramare! Where’s Peppermint? What happened to her?” She began looking around wildly. “Where are they? This is a hospital! Are they hurt? What’s going on?”
Now, the really interesting thing is that she was having a nice, coherent conversation until this point, despite Twist not knowing anyone she was talking to. So I wonder if some situational awareness or other memories do carry with the transition, and just fade with a pretty quick half life as the new personality kicks in.
“An alicorn, a sand dog, and a cyberzony’s severed head. Sounds like the start of a bad joke.” I had to wonder about his sense of humor...
I agree. That sounds like the start of a good joke, at least potentially.
“Pony is doing all wrong. Do not think of walking, pony. Walk. Legs is smarter than pony.”
Well, in fairness lots of things are smarter than that pony. Also, between the syntax and the content, Rover sounds kind of like Mr. Miyagi or something.
“At least I have hooves again. For a while there, I thought I was going to grow--“ I froze as four white digits extended from my hoof and flexed before my eyes. “AHH! I have fingers!”
*Insert every Lyra joke ever here.*
Rover snorted, but I swore he was smirking! “Thumbs is better, pony. Pony will see.”
Too true. It was really fun seeing her come to love digits, even while not feeling entirely at home in her new body otherwise. But at that point, why limit them to the forelegs?
I really wished there was some sort of manual or something: ‘Your New Mechanical Body and You.’
"Hi! I'm Trot McClure. You may remember me from such videos as "Lead Paint: Delicious but Deadly" and "Here Come the Ministries." I'm here to talk to you about your new body.
You may have noticed some changes, like a different voice, unusual food cravings, and metal where there wasn't metal before.
. . .
But at least now you can eat all the sweet, sweet lead paint you want!"
“You promise you won’t get into trouble?” Glory asked. What was I, a foal?
YES.
I looked at him curiously. I hadn’t thought of that. He asked after a minute, “Do you think your friends show good judgment, Blackjack?”
"Most of the time. But sometimes they listen to me, and go along with my ideas."
That’s a good question... “P-21 follows me into irradiated tunnels, I’ve shot Rampage in the head on more than one occasion, and Glory loves me.”
Beat me to it. And I can get behind (in her present state of mind) the first and third, but shooting Rampage is something that Rampage would correctly want, and Blackjack would agree Rampage is right to want.
“Then trust their judgment. If they… and so many others… think that bringing you back was the right thing to do, then trust it. Accept it’s good and worthwhile.”
Yeah, that's something I've long had to do. Not about bringing me back from the dead, of course, but more generally. But as much as you tell that to yourself, it just doesn't feel real.
I laughed despite everything, shaking my head. Security... blows up battleships and cleans floors. All I had to do was learn to cook, and I’d be perfect.
Well, do you really think that she wouldn't like being able to just clean floors? Sure, it's maybe not the best fit, but I think the principle works.
It seemed that Caprice had been all out of Med-X. Still, there was a little note: ‘Sorry.’
Well, I'm sure the bitterness has faded with time. And Blackjack's grown up some, too. She probably understands better now some of Caprice's fears.
I’ve known many ponies who have gone to Celestia. Now I’m thrilled to know a pony who’s come back. No matter how black things become, there is always… inevitably… a dawn.
Well, Luna, maybe. And, unfortunately, though the dawn is there, you may not get to see it. Also, possible last chapter title drop?
I sniffed and felt a sick little joy that I still had tear ducts.
I love this line.
But then, at the bottom was the absolute perfect present. It was from Charity, and it was precisely what I needed right now:
An invoice.
Also these. Though again, we have enabling, this time of her guilt complex.
She looked over at me and my wiggling appendages. I gave a half smile. “Hey. I have thumbs.”
The little unicorn almost skidded to a stop and she gave me the look. That look that said that she was assessing whether or not I bore hostile intent and that the color of her E.F.S. would determine if I was about to receive new holes or not.
Habit, I know, but is that really what a threat looks like?
Sure, it's exactly what one of the most deadly ponies in the Wasteland would do, since, you know, but does it look like it?
LittlePip groaned. “Red Eye would have done it…” she muttered as she glowered at the purple healing potion before her.
I like how you slipped the "purple" in there.
“Well, you all made it out alive. It could be worse,” he said as he made sure that the potions went down.
"For instance, you could be her."
“It nearly was. I almost lost a leg!” the black unicorn said as she showed off the gnarly scar ringing her foreleg.
[/not-Hoofington problems]
Also, she's right there. Don't you normally care about sensitivity and stuff? At least in theory?
He nickered, his eyes lighting up like he’d just seen the sunrise, and I tossed him the bottle.
At first I thought this was making fun of Kkat's frequent use of horse-words for speech, but it turns out it was used a few other times in PH. So I'm not entirely sure either way. (On that note, there's only been one "whinny," and that when Blackjack walked in on Midnight having sex.)
“Well, shoot my nuts and call me a mare... this is… really nice, stranger.”
Don't give her any ideas. You wouldn't be the first (or second), nor the last. Well, the second with a gun, I think.
Well… it burned smooth and sweet and rested with a warm glow in my... well there was a warm glow somewhere in me, and that was what mattered!
It's good to know that some things never change.
“Heh, you can get six months fer possession of this stuff back home. Food waste.”
That's . . . actually a really nice detail, which fits perfectly.
“I’ll do it,” I said as I sat back on the bed I’d claimed for my own. The four looked at me as I took another sip from the bottle. “What? Doc wants me to stay. I’ll keep an eye out for her. No problem.” Velvet looked at me skeptically, and I gave my best ‘trust the strange cyberpony in the clinic’ smile.
One of the great things about mixing up the cast is that the new ones don't know how much they shouldn't trust her to stay put. And the best part is, they know they need her to, since Littlepip would be a problem herself!
“You have some interesting friends, kid.”
You don't have to be polite; you've no reason to think they're anything like as "interesting" as yours. Maybe Xenith.
“How’d it happen?” LittlePip asked as she stared at my horn.
“Oh… ah… no big deal,” I replied as I tapped my forehooves. “A bunch of bucks were in a raping mood. I was with a filly friend of mine from my stable… good kid… and so I made sure they focused on rutting with me rather than looking for her. Of course, when they got bored with me, they started looking anyway. So I shot one with my horn.” I rolled my eyes. “Needless to say, that blew their mood, so they chiseled off my horn. After that my friend showed up and saved both of us.” I took a drink as she stared at me in horror. “Not a big deal. I mean, the plan still worked. If they'd thought to take my horn off when they nailed my legs down...”
Maybe one more.![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 23 She_br10](https://i.servimg.com/u/f55/17/64/26/08/she_br10.jpg)
“It’s just... it’s tough. Celestia’s flaming solar anal probes, why the hell do some ponies do that? Why would anyone do that?! It makes me so mad!”
Well, you got her anger down.
“They were starting to turn. They were becoming more and more aggressive and the population was armed. A few more days and they’d be killing and eating everypony they came across. We got one uninfected filly out… and then… I gassed them.”
You know, maybe the impact of hearing about this could live through the memory spell. I don't know if this was part of the thought or not, but having that in her subconscious could help explain Arbu.
So… yeah. Four hundred innocent ponies.” I looked at her gun.
Um . . . It's not loaded.
No, the only pieces of ‘equipment’ I’d brought were bottles of whiskey tied together around my neck like some sort of tribal good luck charm.
Really, do you need anything else? You could even use the empty ones as weapons, if you could control your hands or wanted to use your mouth.
It’d seemed funny at the time.
Well, for us, the readers, it still is.
She tossed Little Macintosh at me; I caught it in my forelegs and transferred it to my mouth, sitting up.
Considering you wanted to "cuddle" with it earlier, this seems like quite a good thing for you.
“No ticket!” I shouted before hopping into S.A.T.S. and planting one of the revolver’s heavy bullets into its skull.
Anyone else watch "Freeman's Mind"? Because this sounds exactly like something he'd say.
“This is one of the crazier things I think I’ve ever done,” she yelled over the shrieks as we rolled along.
I took a long pull off one of the bottles of whiskey, watching the text in my E.F.S. warning me of the drug toxicity that my system was trying to purge. “Really? I thought it was Tuesday.”
I like the reference, but have one quibble: on any given Tuesday, she doesn't have that much whiskey.
LittlePip was drinking a healing potion she’d found locked in a medical supply cabinet. The sight of it had floored me. Healing potions as fresh as you please even after two centuries.
Well, I guess the one she had noticed was purple earlier was one they brought with them, or came from Helpinghoof's clinic, so selection bias would be in its favor and it would be less likely to trigger alarms.
“Well… if I take Calamity along and he gets too close and gets his mind read, then it’s game over.” She sighed, then floated my offered bottle over and took a drink herself. “Velvet Remedy… well…” A small smile spread on her face. “She’s a special kind of girl. She wants to help everypony she can. Even slavers and monsters and… everypony. So if she knew what I was going to do... well… I dunno. She might try and stop me.”
Umm . . . not that she isn't a "special kind of girl," but doesn't the whole mind reading thing still apply, at any rate as much as it does with Calamity?
“So, next part of the plan?” I asked with a smile as I stood and turned towards the doors leading outside. “We make like the Stable Dweller, you drop a building on them, and I thump anything that keeps wiggling, right?” Then I blinked when she didn’t call me an idiot… or laugh. I looked back at her, and… was she staring at my ass? “Uh… LittlePip?” Maybe she really liked my new hardware?
So, at first I thought that she didn't react because she figured Blackjack knew she was the Stable Dweller and it does sound like something she'd characteristically do. But then that happened. And, well, old hardware, new hardware (both ways), pony hardware, other hardware, as long as it's lady hardware, yes, she likes it all.
I could count the number of mares interested in me… well… honestly interested rather than planning to sell me out… on one hoof.
Okay, maybe she was still bitter. Though, now, on one hoof you could count to four (I assume), instead of just one, so it means less now. But yeah, you don't tend to stick around too long, so I'm sure that doesn't help, and even ignoring that I'm guessing the heavy scarring isn't doing you favors, even before the cyberization.
“LittlePip…” I said as I leaned towards her. “I’m sorry…” Her ears fell… “But I’m just not drunk enough to forget that I have a mare already.”
Okay, this seems out of character, unless she means somthing other than it seems on the surface. This is something that literally should not occur to her to think, much less say: sex is sex, and relationships are relationships, and this looks a hell of a lot more like something sex- than relationship related. Otherwise it's a good joke/prank (just not one she should be capable of thinking of), but this is a major plot point later.
“But I am drunk enough that she’ll probably forgive me one kiss.” I pointed out with a laugh as I walked to the door.
Again, would she even think there was something to forgive?
“You grew up in the wrong stable, LittlePip. If you were really into mares, you should have been in 99.”
Now that is something that fits perfectly.
“Would you break a promise to a friend?” she asked, not meeting my eyes.
“Look, I’ll explain to Homage about the kiss…” I said with a sigh and a smile.
Okay, this one works if you figure it's a response to Littlepip's earlier outburst and/or something she said during a scene break, as long as I figure Blackjack's too drunk for anything to register long-term and stick with her afterwards, or she figures it's something specific to them.
“Well… worry about that later. Now… how to get inside to speak to Red Eye…”
That's Future Littlepip's problem!
“And why are you wearing sunglasses?” the other growled at me. “It’s the middle of the night.”
I paused, then grinned. “I’m just that cool.”
“Wanna bet?” He reached out a claw and flicked the black plastic off my face, then suddenly he stiffened as he saw my cybereyes glowing like two red stars. “You… what…”
That actually makes perfect sense; of course Red Eye's forces would defer to someone with cyberization. Granted, why wouldn't Littlepip want to exploit that from the beginning, and why wouldn't they notice the legs? Well, I guess it is dark, and they'd be hard to see, since they're still the white version.
I reared up on my hind legs, marveling at how they kept me upright like some kind of freaky zebra.
Nice way to incorporate/establish some of the functionality before it becomes necessary.
I extended my fingers and slowly pulled the glasses from my face. I stared long and hard down at the two bucks and said, as low and cold as I could manage, “Yes?”
The ballots are in, and yes, you are just that cool.
Then I pulled out one of the last bottles of Wild Pegasus and tugged it free, holding it in my fingers. If I was going to have to deal with Goddess yelling, I needed more alcohol.
Sometimes, you just get the perfect scene and the perfect reaction.
And then in front of everypony I lost my whiskey. The blue alicorn dropped me to the ground in disgust.
The buck in the fancy hat rubbed his face. “Why can’t we just shoot them all... why?” He pointed his hoof back at Tenpony. “Just… go! Go!”
I'm not paid enough to deal with this shit!
There are… in reflection… many ways to travel the Wasteland. By hoof is most common. Occasionally in vehicles. Sometimes on wings, if you had them. The Goddess had told Lacunae to warn the others of our return, and so they stood on the roof of Tenpony Tower as dawn broke. For a brief moment, the sun peeked through the gap between the distant clouds and the horizon, illuminating us in gold as fifteen alicorns flew in formation around the tower, carrying LittlePip and myself back to our friends. From my PipBuck played the most sweeping and dramatic music of Octavia’s concert I could find as inebriation helped me overlook the very splatty distance below.
Had to do the whole thing, as it just hits great narrative voice, good scenery, humor . . . it's great. Also, it's "Ride of the Valkyries," isn't it?
“I… I need Helpinghoof… please…”
“Who’s that?” P-21 asked.
“Blackjack! Are you… what’s… what did you do last night?!” Glory stammered.
“And why didn’t you take me along?” Rampage added.
“Did you really drink all of that?!” Scotch pointed at the crown.
"I accidentally . . . a gallon of whiskey . . . Okay, that was a lie . . . it wasn't an accident."
Such a great ending.
- Chapter Thirty Four Overall Thoughts:
- Not too much to say. Great worldbuilding at the front end, along with nice character development for the Eater and Blackjack. The best part, I think, was Gin Rummy saying goodbye to her daughter, full of pride and love.
Afterwards, the stuff with the professer, in particular, went well, and I thought that the FoE characters were well-realized, if not in any particularly deep fashion. Sure, some plot things were set up, some blanks filled in, but mostly in was a fun, funny romp, and I think that that was due after a long time with a lot of seriousness and sadness, and it works all the better because it's one of the things that Blackjack does to stop thinking and avoid her problems, so it doesn't feel out of place.
What does feel out of place is some lines Blackjack says about having a marefriend in response to Littlepip checking her out. I think that they are simply incompatible with the Stygius affair, as my understanding is that the whole point is that she just doesn't understand that sexual monogamy is an expectation.
- Other Chapter Editing:
- 18: “Come on. Lets find Thorn and Roses.”
"Let's"
19: Charity lay two bottlecaps beside her.
"Laid"
“Shh…. Shh…. It’s okay…” she said as she held her.
First two ellipses should have only three dots, and should have a second space after them.
20: It doesn’t hurt anymore… It doesn’t,”
Should have second space after ellipsis.
- Chapter Thirty Four Editing Matters:
- It was not a gentle burst of lifegiving light.
I think that "lifegiving" is normally hyphenated.
It grew strong as others sung its song on its behalf, that hateful noise so like a scream.
I think that should be "sang."
of hate and pain. This time, however, as ponies and zebras died,
Three spaces after the period.
It was intolerable…. And with each light that
Ellipsis should have only three dots, and two spaces following.
“So… are you Doctor Octopus or something?” I asked with a little frown.
Should have only one space after the quotation.
Not one of those brainbots… that’s too much crazy for me to deal with.
“Now that they have Steelpony, I know they’ll have a future to work towards.
Paragraphs should end with closing quotation marks.
the fact that most of my body was synthetic... Probably… fifty or sixty years…”
Either "probably" shouldn't be capitalized or there should be a second space after the preceding ellipsis.
“No, Blackjack. I didn’t.” she replied firmly.
Period at end of quotation should be comma.
each of the people in the line of succession and then to a ‘descendant.’
Period to outside of quotation marks.
‘ERROR,’ flashed over and over in my vision.
I'm not sure the comma should be there.
I finally just stopped as I panted and looked at every eye on me.
. . .
I wanted to gasp, but my lungs didn’t gasp.
That seems a little weird, that she can pant but not gasp. Also,
I wanted my heart to race, but it didn’t beat at all.
I thought her heart was just very steady, not . . . not a heart. But I guess it could be a continuous-flow pump.
I could- at least in theory- walk without feeling like a cripple.
Second hyphen for dashes, and symmetrical spacing around them.
“It’s built in now. You don’t need to cover it up any more.”
"built-in"
They’re scrubbing out Deus’ room for you.”
"Deus's"
”That leaves the Enclave…
Quotation mark's the wrong way.
“No blood anywhere…. That’s a good sign.”
Ellipsis should have only three dots, two spaces.
I really wished there was some sort of manual or something: ‘Your New Mechanical Body and You.’
Period to outside of quotation marks.
I said as I nuzzled her cheek. “I really thought I was
Only one space after the period.
“I think we should all go.” P-21 muttered as he rubbed
Period should be comma.
A new name had been carved into it. ‘Blackjack.’
Period to outside of quotation marks?
Was it now my ‘reprocessor?’
Question mark to outside of quotation marks.
It was from Charity, and it was precisely what I needed right now:
Weird tense thing: would that be "right then"?
(Of course, the sentence also works fine without either.)
She’d definitely been through the wringer, as had her friends.
It's a minor thing, but there was no indication to this point that Blackjack saw Littlepip's friends. Though, with this a few lines later:
Besides, none of her friends were really critically injured, though clearly they’d been well chewed by the Wasteland.
"as had her friends" might just be redundant.
She flushed and looked away as I shook my head. “Sorry…”
Only one space after the period.
Anyway, enough of our little problems. When can you take
Only one space after the period.
I think one of us should stay with you.” LittlePip scowled
Three spaces after the period.
“You said you had to do it… no friends… Remember?”
Should have two spaces after second ellipsis, or "remember" shouldn't be capitalized.
“So then you say ‘Oh, there’s a secret passage in the basement. We can get out that way! Only a few ghouls!”
Should have closing single-quotation mark after exclamation point following "ghouls."
Well, it was better than my plan to ‘hit them some more.’
Period to outside of quotation marks?
Then, of course I landed flat on my back next to the wiggling corpse.
With the "then" there, I think that there should be a comma afer "course."
“Ouch,’ I winced, then extended
Second quotation mark should be double, not single. Also, since "winced" isn't a speaking word, the comma in the quotation should be a period and the quotation should be followed by two spaces.
piece of scrap metal. ‘Eat, huh’?
Suggest: 'Eat', huh?
She wasn’t telling me something, but then she fought mind-reading things.
Comma after "then"?
Her ears fell… “But I’m just not drunk enough to forget that I have a mare already.”
Three spaces after the ellipsis, also the characterization thing I said in the running commentary.
Maybe if she said something about "not drunk enough to forget I shouldn't fool around so soon after surgery" . . . "But drunk enough that I'll risk one kiss"?
Or maybe something about forgetting that they are too busy.
Sorry, I do like the joke, but the setup just seems too jarring, to clash too much with her apparent sincerity regarding Stygius, P-21's backing her up, Scotch's reaction . . .
“But I am drunk enough that she’ll probably forgive me one kiss.” I pointed out with a laugh as I walked
Period should be comma, also characterization consistency.
Did I mention that? I’d told her something
Only one space after the question mark.
Right… with the talky
Should have only one space after the ellipsis.
extremely addictive... It was a big, big problem for me.”
Should have second space after ellipsis.
The two ponies replied, “Gear.” A minute later,
Three spaces after the quotation.
effectively wrestling her to the ground. My fingers popped out and
Only one space after the period.
that was new. Luna Space Center
Three spaces after the period.
There wasn’t anything printed on the map, but there was a bright red circle exactly where my PipBuck said it could be located.
I think that "could" should be "should," but "would" might work, too.
A green line had been drawn from the circle under the Core and out to the rail lines that lead straight to Fillydelphia.
I'm not sure the "and" should be there, and "lead" should be "led."
We were rolling, screaming, clawing, and squawking as she scratched at my limbs, and I pummeled and kicked like mad.
Should the comma after "limbs" be there? It seems to break up the sentence such that the simultaneity is broken a bit and the list doesn't modify what follows the comma.
alicorn was like. Big. Wings. Horn. Pretty standard
Only one space following period after "big."
“Why, is he recruiting?” I asked, seeing the apprehension
Should have only one space after quotation.
Icy Shake- Alicorn
- Posts : 1209
Brohoof! : 308
Join date : 2012-06-05
Age : 35
Location : Boston, MA
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Dec 09, 2013 1:09 am
Wow, two years since Black? Anyway, thank you very much as always.Icy Shake wrote:Scienza: I like it.Oh, you do recall correctly. I used to base my time on the assumption I'd be reading one once per week, plus sometimes a chapter of FoE (wait . . . used to?). The only time it really bit me was "Shadow of the Ministries": since the Google Docs (well, called that at the time, anyway) scroll bar maxed out for every chapter, I couldn't tell that it was three times or more the length of a normal one. That experience, I believe, was what led me to adopt the habit of watching how much screen distance of the scroll bar is covered by a page-down. But back to the update pace: yes, at peak, you were going at a rate of over one million words per year. And good ones, too.O. Hinds wrote:I still have trouble believing the "years" thing… It really doesnt't feel like it's been over two years. In any case, though, our production rate is still far below peak; we used to be able to manage thirty pages a week, IIRC.Scienza wrote:The rate at which you and the editmen crank out new chapters is already like fucking inhuman. With practically every other fic I've ever followed, I could expect, at best, maybe a 5-10k word chapter once every 3-6 months if at all. Somehow, you and the editing team have continuously been able to produce excellent 20-30k word chapters every 2 months or so for years.
Anyway, read chapter thirty four today; I remember, nearly two years ago now, when "Black" was released and (since individual story updates got their own Equestria Daily posts at the time) the EqD admin posting the update remarked that he didn't know how the story could continue after it, but that it would. This gave the answer to how that would happen, and along the way gave some very interesting world-building and fun times. I've gone back to parts of it before, mostly the star scene, but never the whole thing. It's held up well, not only as a great continuation from the previous chapter, but as an example of the range the story hits.
- Chapter Thirty Four Running Thoughts:
. . .
The answer she gave was simple: we went into the recycler and somepony took our place.
. . .
She attempted some muttered comment about how, when you died, you went to the everafter to be reunited with the princesses and your loved ones. Then she reported me to Mom, and one sore butt later I learned not to harass our stable’s duly appointed spiritual leader.
That's some real good spiritual leadership, there. Granted, considering the quality of security work Blackjack would demonstrate before leaving the stable, perhaps it's best not to throw too many stones.
It was at this moment that I had my epiphany: death is really boring.
I guess it could be worse. But it's interesting to remember that this was also her primary outlook on life before Deus.
A tiny pinprick of lavender light far off in the distance came to life,
. . .
I moved closer still and saw a second light, a soft orange point that sang the other sound. And then a third was born, a cheery pink. Another, majestic purple. Teal. A pair, green and gold. A pair of pink motes pranced and tumbled around each other with a tinkling like laughter while a purple and lavender pair hovered attentively nearby.
Lavender - Gin Rummy
Orange - Applejack
Pink - Pinky Pie
Purple - Rarity
Teal - ??? not Rainbow Dash, probably Scoodle
Green - ??? I don't think I ever had a good guess on this one
Gold - ??? The best I could ever come up with was Goldenblood, and that's far from a sure thing
Pink * 2 - ???
Purple, lavender - ??? I was originally thinking Thorn and Roses, but Thorn was pink in 18 ("After all, I was bleeding out slowly and Thorn was now an orphan. “We know how you feel,” one of the ghoul foals told the pink unicorn. “Our parents are dead too.”" and "She looked at her daughter, but the pink filly was captivated by the dirty little sock puppet.") and lavender in 19 (I ran to the puppet and saw the lavender filly running towards the bridge. )
They weren’t just lights in the sky. Well… they were. But they were other things as well. Like how, when you took a hoof and held it in front of one open eye, you could see both your hoof and whatever the other eye saw.
I think that this does a good job of setting the tone of the narration as someone out of her depth, unable to really understand, much less explain, the new experiences she faces, better even than when she just says she doesn't understand them.
Other beings flitted among them and spread chaos and discord to stir up new melodies and music they could not create themselves.
Probably unavoidable since there's just generally a fair amount of overlap among creation/fall stories, but it reminds me particularly of the Music of the Ainur at the start of the Silmarilion, but with a twist.
And I knew that I was home. I could stay here, if I wanted. There was always room for one more. For countless more. And I’d be happy here, I was sure of it. A part of me belonged here.
Were it not for the "but" that's coming, this scene could serve as something of a coda to a life that ended in "Black." And it would, I think, be a sweet one. And yet, I think that it's for the very reason I remarked on in an earlier post today, that it's only much later that she really, unreservedly wants to live, that she can't embrace the peace of the everafter now.
I looked back at my world. There were so few glimmering lights, and there seemed to be almost a spider’s web of shadow draped over the entire world. Some light escaped… but most seemed caught in that dark web covering everything. The light of those orbiting spheres couldn’t reach most of the world, try as they might to find some gap in the darkness and shadows.
So there's something wrong, something abnormally so. And, considering the context, it's not so hard to think that it's merely the Wasteland, the aftereffects of the planet's great war.
It accompanied a star glowing with a fierce blue-white corona. A pony… no. An alicorn, proud and regal and glorious. He spread his wings wide and sang his note loud and gloriously across the heavens. He drove back those shadows beyond and all things that dwelled within. Such was he that his song drowned out all others as he swelled with pride. I expected the star to eventually stop and take a break, but he didn’t. Instead, he grew along with his volume.
And here's our Lucifer, or our Melkor. It's no surprise that pride is singled out here, but I do find it interesting, and I think more satisfying, that the others spreading chaos and disharmony already existed, rather than all being tempted to break from the chorus by him.
The mischievous ones floated about him, trying to trick him and break his onerous note, but he burned them with his scorn.
In fact, I like this alteration very much, and it ties in to the later remark by Discord that not even he would be so foolish to sing that note.
It was if he were trying to fill all the universe with the single overwhelming note! He struggled with the strain, the note transforming into a scream.
I think that they make a great antogonistic pair, as each is characterized by a form of narcissism. The Eater's is simple and played straight. In contrast, Blackjack's is a brand of self-loathing which results in projecting blame for far too much onto herself, and relatedly the belief that it's her proper role to sacrifice herself for everyone—or indeed (almost) anyone.
Then his cloud fell inward; he would not die as the other luminous ones had, would not share his life. His blue glow contracted and darkened. Something that was a star hardened and transformed from light to something dark and base.
And here's where the ties start being made between pride and the other sins, this being greed.
From the chapter:
The twisted remains curved towards it, speeding as they plunged towards the highest snow-capped mountain. The blast shattered the great peak, blasting it apart into flying stone. An immense pillar of cinder and flame shot up, raining down in an ever-widening circle of destruction. More mountains split and shattered, vomiting great torrents of fire and surging floods of magma. The forests transformed into sheets of flame. The seas were poisoned by ash and pieces of the star. The sky was rendered black with clouds. Those fragile motes and their infant songs were snuffed out in an instant.
From the introduction to Fallout: Equestria:
A great cleansing; a magical spark struck by pony hooves quickly raged out of control. Megaspells rained from the skies. Entire lands were swallowed in flames and fell beneath the boiling oceans. Ponykind was almost extinguished, their spirits becoming part of the ambient radiation that blanketed the lands. A quiet darkness fell across the world...
From the great impact a ring of stone formed, the pieces drawing together to collect the tiny specks of life.
Ah, here we go: the start to the answer.
Most had no idea what was beneath them... but for some, sleep was troubled as the star droned its hateful tune. And from the pain it caused came inspiration for magic dark and foul.
It's hardly the first time, or particularly surprising, especially given the setup of the chapterbut very Lovecraftian.
Thousands were offered in sacrifice, their screams rising up until the heavens could no longer bear them, and one star plunged down to silence it forever . . . But the dark heart was still not destroyed; it caught the falling star and consumed the luminescent being within. Only two specks escaped… one rising to the sun… the other to the moon.
. . .
The star once more whispered and tempted, ensnaring the heart of a beautiful princess and turning her against her sister… but the sister wisely banished her from the earth and to the moon where the glowing light could leech out her poison and venom till a chance at redemption was possible.
I hadn't really thought about it before, but the corruption of Luna is all the sadder because she was a remnant of the sacrifice made to combat the fallen star.
Time, though, was forever on the side of something older than the moon itself,
Was this a direct reference to Lovecraft?
It was too big. Too much. Even for me. And the glowing ponies around me agreed in their song.
But that was the point…
Of course it was too big for one pony. For one anything! That was why the single star with its single note had failed. Not even these glowing stars could keep back the darkness alone. It was when they worked together, combining their songs and changing… growing… that they could drive that vast and terrible darkness back. Harmony, not power, was their strength.
Is this the most direct invocation of the show's core theme in the story to date?
And the stars’ song turned mournful. No parent wanted to lose their child. But I wasn’t a child any more. I turned to see that glowing lavender unicorn with a striped purple and red mane, and she smiled. ‘Security saves ponies’, she seemed to say. Then she leaned down and kissed my brow, and her gentle light became my world.
It might have been possible to end the soul vision better, but I don't have any idea how. It's just too bad that Blackjack can't really remember it, especially given how she never really got to experience her mother's approval during life.
Your mouth has also been altered, so you can now eat not only regular food but also gemstones and pieces of scrap metal.
I still like to think that she would have eaten and liked Glory's cyberpony pancakes even as a regular pony, even if it would have hurt her teeth and made her sick.
According to your friends, this won’t be a big dietary change for you.
Silver Stripe beat me to it!
“Though you will still need to sleep occasionally to let your brain rest. There’s a function in the PipBuck interface to let you know how badly you need it.
No kidding.
“Did you lie to me about that?” I asked as I stared into her gray eyes. I saw the tired sadness within them. “Please tell me you lied to me.”
“They’re good parts. Two centuries old… but well made,” she replied softly.
Of course, Blackjack isn't the only one who makes big sacrifices.
For a hundred and fifty years I sat in Tenpony Tower planning for the day when I’d actually start fixing things… and as soon as I got the chance, all I did was trot around in circles killing raiders and gangs and driving my friends away from me.
Well, when you put it that way . . . it doesn't sound so different from Blackjack's last month or so.
She closed her eyes. “There is something else… yes.” She took a deep breath. “You may be related to one of the Ministry Mares.”
Not such a surprise, given what we knew about EC-1101 and the ability to read between the lines regarding the silver bullet cases, especially if you assume the reader's already read FoE, but yeah, news to her.
“Two reasons,” she replied soberly. “The first is that Glory told me about the silver bullets and the black security cases they came inside.”
Speak of the devil.
“Yeah, what was with that?” I asked with a small frown. “I mean, the whole ‘no dating, no kids’ thing.”
Yeah, that's always seemed kind of dumb, on the simple everyday real-world level and all the more so because Equestria is the land of magical friendship and love—and that was arguably implicitly true even before the introduction of Cadence.
Zony explains (and frankly doesn't seem too invested in it herself, but I might just be projecting), and yeah, that's pretty weak sauce.
“No. What they want you to do is to try and open a door,” she said grimly. “A door that can only be opened by a Ministry Mare. One particular mare.”
Ah, yes. I remember this door and the months of speculation it fueled, not to mention some heated discussion of the mechanics of doors and how or why different locking mechanisms would be installed on them, and at what point, and the bureaucratic decision-making process of assigning offices, and more. It was probably even bigger than the Great Train Discussion of summer 2012.
I slowly turned and looked up at the cybernetic sand dog, Rover. He snorted. “Pony is awake. Pony should still be sleeping.”
Right, because she's the one who can control stuff like that right now.
These legs didn’t feel like my legs. They felt like… like enormous complicated booties glued to my body.
That's just such a silly description, but I love it.
I gasped… and yet… my heart didn’t thunder in my chest. My pulse didn’t pound in my ears. My body felt unnaturally quiet and still as I stared up at them.
I think that this is the part that best sets up the alien feeling, because instead of just different physical feelings, it's messing with her reactions to emotions. Of course, it's not so different from having a pacemaker, though I think that then you can still have surges in blood pressure, even if your pulse is fixed.
At least my mutated limbs had been a part of myself. Now it felt like half my body was wrong.
But I’d gotten used to faking it.
Yeah, this feels about right. (You bite that bullet!)
“I think they realized at that point that there was a mistake in their security policy. Actually, I think they were going to shoot me on general principle, can you imagine? Nearly had to commit a bloodbath just to be allowed inside,”
Well, it's not that that's wrong, but I think the point is more to minimize than prevent damage entirely, relying on the fact you'd be forced out in the end to provide the ultimate disincentive: they weren't oriented so much at raiders as ensuring good behavior among their own people.
“Fortunately, they reconsidered when I shot myself in the head in front of them. For some reason, that just cut right through all the arguments.”
I can see how that might happen.
I hoped that meant that they didn’t see me trying to squirm out of my own limbs.
I bet that would be cute to watch, though.
“When Glory used your broadcaster, she got help from all over the Hoof!” Scotch said with a grin.
The long range of that broadcaster is a fickle mistress; sometimes she gives, and sometimes she gives more than you ever wanted.
“Sure, Sanguine made his snotty offer, but so did the professor. Well, not snotty in her case. Dusty Trails sent a box of gems straight quick. Bottlecap didn’t have any parts, but she said the vendors took up a collection for when you were better. Hell, even Caprice sent a whole case of quality chems, plus every chunk of Deus she could find. Apparently, she only sold Zodiac the back half and was still trying to figure what the front end was really worth.”
And our It's a Wonderful Life moment, though with the offer from the bad guy moved to the end.
“You mean I have pieces of Deus in me?” No wonder my insides felt out of it. I could almost hear tiny metal parts inside me screaming ‘CUUUNNNTTTT!’.
And that was a very real worry you had for a long time, too. Also, gotta love MisterMech.
All this attention… I was nothing special. Even if what the professor said was true, I didn’t deserve it.
Sadly, they haven't yet figured out how to transplant self-worth.
She sniffed again and nodded, pressing her hindlegs tightly together.
I did not notice that the first time around.
“Well, so long as everypony understands that I am one lousy Reaper,” I said as I closed my eyes, then frowned and peeked, catching the three of them giving each other skeptical glances. I gave a stern look, and all of them blinked and grinned.
“Absolutely! Blackjack: Worst. Reaper. Ever,” Rampage said, and Scotch nodded quickly along with her.
Come on, everyone, it's time for your favorite party game: Enabling Blackjack's Denial!
“They still don’t even know if he drowned or got vaporized when the Celestia blew.”
I see Blackjack still hasn't learned they aren't dead unless you've seen the body. Of course, I'm not sure seeing the body makes it a sure thing in this story.
“What’s… what’s happened? Where am I? This isn’t Miramare! Where’s Peppermint? What happened to her?” She began looking around wildly. “Where are they? This is a hospital! Are they hurt? What’s going on?”
Now, the really interesting thing is that she was having a nice, coherent conversation until this point, despite Twist not knowing anyone she was talking to. So I wonder if some situational awareness or other memories do carry with the transition, and just fade with a pretty quick half life as the new personality kicks in.
“An alicorn, a sand dog, and a cyberzony’s severed head. Sounds like the start of a bad joke.” I had to wonder about his sense of humor...
I agree. That sounds like the start of a good joke, at least potentially.
“Pony is doing all wrong. Do not think of walking, pony. Walk. Legs is smarter than pony.”
Well, in fairness lots of things are smarter than that pony. Also, between the syntax and the content, Rover sounds kind of like Mr. Miyagi or something.
“At least I have hooves again. For a while there, I thought I was going to grow--“ I froze as four white digits extended from my hoof and flexed before my eyes. “AHH! I have fingers!”
*Insert every Lyra joke ever here.*
Rover snorted, but I swore he was smirking! “Thumbs is better, pony. Pony will see.”
Too true. It was really fun seeing her come to love digits, even while not feeling entirely at home in her new body otherwise. But at that point, why limit them to the forelegs?
I really wished there was some sort of manual or something: ‘Your New Mechanical Body and You.’
"Hi! I'm Trot McClure. You may remember me from such videos as "Lead Paint: Delicious but Deadly" and "Here Come the Ministries." I'm here to talk to you about your new body.
You may have noticed some changes, like a different voice, unusual food cravings, and metal where there wasn't metal before.
. . .
But at least now you can eat all the sweet, sweet lead paint you want!"
“You promise you won’t get into trouble?” Glory asked. What was I, a foal?
YES.
I looked at him curiously. I hadn’t thought of that. He asked after a minute, “Do you think your friends show good judgment, Blackjack?”
"Most of the time. But sometimes they listen to me, and go along with my ideas."
That’s a good question... “P-21 follows me into irradiated tunnels, I’ve shot Rampage in the head on more than one occasion, and Glory loves me.”
Beat me to it. And I can get behind (in her present state of mind) the first and third, but shooting Rampage is something that Rampage would correctly want, and Blackjack would agree Rampage is right to want.
“Then trust their judgment. If they… and so many others… think that bringing you back was the right thing to do, then trust it. Accept it’s good and worthwhile.”
Yeah, that's something I've long had to do. Not about bringing me back from the dead, of course, but more generally. But as much as you tell that to yourself, it just doesn't feel real.
I laughed despite everything, shaking my head. Security... blows up battleships and cleans floors. All I had to do was learn to cook, and I’d be perfect.
Well, do you really think that she wouldn't like being able to just clean floors? Sure, it's maybe not the best fit, but I think the principle works.
It seemed that Caprice had been all out of Med-X. Still, there was a little note: ‘Sorry.’
Well, I'm sure the bitterness has faded with time. And Blackjack's grown up some, too. She probably understands better now some of Caprice's fears.
I’ve known many ponies who have gone to Celestia. Now I’m thrilled to know a pony who’s come back. No matter how black things become, there is always… inevitably… a dawn.
Well, Luna, maybe. And, unfortunately, though the dawn is there, you may not get to see it. Also, possible last chapter title drop?
I sniffed and felt a sick little joy that I still had tear ducts.
I love this line.
But then, at the bottom was the absolute perfect present. It was from Charity, and it was precisely what I needed right now:
An invoice.
Also these. Though again, we have enabling, this time of her guilt complex.
She looked over at me and my wiggling appendages. I gave a half smile. “Hey. I have thumbs.”
The little unicorn almost skidded to a stop and she gave me the look. That look that said that she was assessing whether or not I bore hostile intent and that the color of her E.F.S. would determine if I was about to receive new holes or not.
Habit, I know, but is that really what a threat looks like?
Sure, it's exactly what one of the most deadly ponies in the Wasteland would do, since, you know, but does it look like it?
LittlePip groaned. “Red Eye would have done it…” she muttered as she glowered at the purple healing potion before her.
I like how you slipped the "purple" in there.
“Well, you all made it out alive. It could be worse,” he said as he made sure that the potions went down.
"For instance, you could be her."
“It nearly was. I almost lost a leg!” the black unicorn said as she showed off the gnarly scar ringing her foreleg.
[/not-Hoofington problems]
Also, she's right there. Don't you normally care about sensitivity and stuff? At least in theory?
He nickered, his eyes lighting up like he’d just seen the sunrise, and I tossed him the bottle.
At first I thought this was making fun of Kkat's frequent use of horse-words for speech, but it turns out it was used a few other times in PH. So I'm not entirely sure either way. (On that note, there's only been one "whinny," and that when Blackjack walked in on Midnight having sex.)
“Well, shoot my nuts and call me a mare... this is… really nice, stranger.”
Don't give her any ideas. You wouldn't be the first (or second), nor the last. Well, the second with a gun, I think.
Well… it burned smooth and sweet and rested with a warm glow in my... well there was a warm glow somewhere in me, and that was what mattered!
It's good to know that some things never change.
“Heh, you can get six months fer possession of this stuff back home. Food waste.”
That's . . . actually a really nice detail, which fits perfectly.
“I’ll do it,” I said as I sat back on the bed I’d claimed for my own. The four looked at me as I took another sip from the bottle. “What? Doc wants me to stay. I’ll keep an eye out for her. No problem.” Velvet looked at me skeptically, and I gave my best ‘trust the strange cyberpony in the clinic’ smile.
One of the great things about mixing up the cast is that the new ones don't know how much they shouldn't trust her to stay put. And the best part is, they know they need her to, since Littlepip would be a problem herself!
“You have some interesting friends, kid.”
You don't have to be polite; you've no reason to think they're anything like as "interesting" as yours. Maybe Xenith.
“How’d it happen?” LittlePip asked as she stared at my horn.
“Oh… ah… no big deal,” I replied as I tapped my forehooves. “A bunch of bucks were in a raping mood. I was with a filly friend of mine from my stable… good kid… and so I made sure they focused on rutting with me rather than looking for her. Of course, when they got bored with me, they started looking anyway. So I shot one with my horn.” I rolled my eyes. “Needless to say, that blew their mood, so they chiseled off my horn. After that my friend showed up and saved both of us.” I took a drink as she stared at me in horror. “Not a big deal. I mean, the plan still worked. If they'd thought to take my horn off when they nailed my legs down...”
Maybe one more.
“It’s just... it’s tough. Celestia’s flaming solar anal probes, why the hell do some ponies do that? Why would anyone do that?! It makes me so mad!”
Well, you got her anger down.
“They were starting to turn. They were becoming more and more aggressive and the population was armed. A few more days and they’d be killing and eating everypony they came across. We got one uninfected filly out… and then… I gassed them.”
You know, maybe the impact of hearing about this could live through the memory spell. I don't know if this was part of the thought or not, but having that in her subconscious could help explain Arbu.
So… yeah. Four hundred innocent ponies.” I looked at her gun.
Um . . . It's not loaded.
No, the only pieces of ‘equipment’ I’d brought were bottles of whiskey tied together around my neck like some sort of tribal good luck charm.
Really, do you need anything else? You could even use the empty ones as weapons, if you could control your hands or wanted to use your mouth.
It’d seemed funny at the time.
Well, for us, the readers, it still is.
She tossed Little Macintosh at me; I caught it in my forelegs and transferred it to my mouth, sitting up.
Considering you wanted to "cuddle" with it earlier, this seems like quite a good thing for you.
“No ticket!” I shouted before hopping into S.A.T.S. and planting one of the revolver’s heavy bullets into its skull.
Anyone else watch "Freeman's Mind"? Because this sounds exactly like something he'd say.
“This is one of the crazier things I think I’ve ever done,” she yelled over the shrieks as we rolled along.
I took a long pull off one of the bottles of whiskey, watching the text in my E.F.S. warning me of the drug toxicity that my system was trying to purge. “Really? I thought it was Tuesday.”
I like the reference, but have one quibble: on any given Tuesday, she doesn't have that much whiskey.
LittlePip was drinking a healing potion she’d found locked in a medical supply cabinet. The sight of it had floored me. Healing potions as fresh as you please even after two centuries.
Well, I guess the one she had noticed was purple earlier was one they brought with them, or came from Helpinghoof's clinic, so selection bias would be in its favor and it would be less likely to trigger alarms.
“Well… if I take Calamity along and he gets too close and gets his mind read, then it’s game over.” She sighed, then floated my offered bottle over and took a drink herself. “Velvet Remedy… well…” A small smile spread on her face. “She’s a special kind of girl. She wants to help everypony she can. Even slavers and monsters and… everypony. So if she knew what I was going to do... well… I dunno. She might try and stop me.”
Umm . . . not that she isn't a "special kind of girl," but doesn't the whole mind reading thing still apply, at any rate as much as it does with Calamity?
“So, next part of the plan?” I asked with a smile as I stood and turned towards the doors leading outside. “We make like the Stable Dweller, you drop a building on them, and I thump anything that keeps wiggling, right?” Then I blinked when she didn’t call me an idiot… or laugh. I looked back at her, and… was she staring at my ass? “Uh… LittlePip?” Maybe she really liked my new hardware?
So, at first I thought that she didn't react because she figured Blackjack knew she was the Stable Dweller and it does sound like something she'd characteristically do. But then that happened. And, well, old hardware, new hardware (both ways), pony hardware, other hardware, as long as it's lady hardware, yes, she likes it all.
I could count the number of mares interested in me… well… honestly interested rather than planning to sell me out… on one hoof.
Okay, maybe she was still bitter. Though, now, on one hoof you could count to four (I assume), instead of just one, so it means less now. But yeah, you don't tend to stick around too long, so I'm sure that doesn't help, and even ignoring that I'm guessing the heavy scarring isn't doing you favors, even before the cyberization.
“LittlePip…” I said as I leaned towards her. “I’m sorry…” Her ears fell… “But I’m just not drunk enough to forget that I have a mare already.”
Okay, this seems out of character, unless she means somthing other than it seems on the surface. This is something that literally should not occur to her to think, much less say: sex is sex, and relationships are relationships, and this looks a hell of a lot more like something sex- than relationship related. Otherwise it's a good joke/prank (just not one she should be capable of thinking of), but this is a major plot point later.
“But I am drunk enough that she’ll probably forgive me one kiss.” I pointed out with a laugh as I walked to the door.
Again, would she even think there was something to forgive?
“You grew up in the wrong stable, LittlePip. If you were really into mares, you should have been in 99.”
Now that is something that fits perfectly.
“Would you break a promise to a friend?” she asked, not meeting my eyes.
“Look, I’ll explain to Homage about the kiss…” I said with a sigh and a smile.
Okay, this one works if you figure it's a response to Littlepip's earlier outburst and/or something she said during a scene break, as long as I figure Blackjack's too drunk for anything to register long-term and stick with her afterwards, or she figures it's something specific to them.
“Well… worry about that later. Now… how to get inside to speak to Red Eye…”
That's Future Littlepip's problem!
“And why are you wearing sunglasses?” the other growled at me. “It’s the middle of the night.”
I paused, then grinned. “I’m just that cool.”
“Wanna bet?” He reached out a claw and flicked the black plastic off my face, then suddenly he stiffened as he saw my cybereyes glowing like two red stars. “You… what…”
That actually makes perfect sense; of course Red Eye's forces would defer to someone with cyberization. Granted, why wouldn't Littlepip want to exploit that from the beginning, and why wouldn't they notice the legs? Well, I guess it is dark, and they'd be hard to see, since they're still the white version.
I reared up on my hind legs, marveling at how they kept me upright like some kind of freaky zebra.
Nice way to incorporate/establish some of the functionality before it becomes necessary.
I extended my fingers and slowly pulled the glasses from my face. I stared long and hard down at the two bucks and said, as low and cold as I could manage, “Yes?”
The ballots are in, and yes, you are just that cool.
Then I pulled out one of the last bottles of Wild Pegasus and tugged it free, holding it in my fingers. If I was going to have to deal with Goddess yelling, I needed more alcohol.
Sometimes, you just get the perfect scene and the perfect reaction.
And then in front of everypony I lost my whiskey. The blue alicorn dropped me to the ground in disgust.
The buck in the fancy hat rubbed his face. “Why can’t we just shoot them all... why?” He pointed his hoof back at Tenpony. “Just… go! Go!”
I'm not paid enough to deal with this shit!
There are… in reflection… many ways to travel the Wasteland. By hoof is most common. Occasionally in vehicles. Sometimes on wings, if you had them. The Goddess had told Lacunae to warn the others of our return, and so they stood on the roof of Tenpony Tower as dawn broke. For a brief moment, the sun peeked through the gap between the distant clouds and the horizon, illuminating us in gold as fifteen alicorns flew in formation around the tower, carrying LittlePip and myself back to our friends. From my PipBuck played the most sweeping and dramatic music of Octavia’s concert I could find as inebriation helped me overlook the very splatty distance below.
Had to do the whole thing, as it just hits great narrative voice, good scenery, humor . . . it's great. Also, it's "Ride of the Valkyries," isn't it?
“I… I need Helpinghoof… please…”
“Who’s that?” P-21 asked.
“Blackjack! Are you… what’s… what did you do last night?!” Glory stammered.
“And why didn’t you take me along?” Rampage added.
“Did you really drink all of that?!” Scotch pointed at the crown.
"I accidentally . . . a gallon of whiskey . . . Okay, that was a lie . . . it wasn't an accident."
Such a great ending.
- Chapter Thirty Four Overall Thoughts:
Afterwards, the stuff with the professer, in particular, went well, and I thought that the FoE characters were well-realized, if not in any particularly deep fashion. Sure, some plot things were set up, some blanks filled in, but mostly in was a fun, funny romp, and I think that that was due after a long time with a lot of seriousness and sadness, and it works all the better because it's one of the things that Blackjack does to stop thinking and avoid her problems, so it doesn't feel out of place.
What does feel out of place is some lines Blackjack says about having a marefriend in response to Littlepip checking her out. I think that they are simply incompatible with the Stygius affair, as my understanding is that the whole point is that she just doesn't understand that sexual monogamy is an expectation.
- Other Chapter Editing:
"Let's"
19: Charity lay two bottlecaps beside her.
"Laid"
“Shh…. Shh…. It’s okay…” she said as she held her.
First two ellipses should have only three dots, and should have a second space after them.
20: It doesn’t hurt anymore… It doesn’t,”
Should have second space after ellipsis.So, yeah, does anyone remember who the gold, green, pair of pink, and lavender and purple stars were?
- Chapter Thirty Four Editing Matters:
I think that "lifegiving" is normally hyphenated.
It grew strong as others sung its song on its behalf, that hateful noise so like a scream.
I think that should be "sang."
of hate and pain. This time, however, as ponies and zebras died,
Three spaces after the period.
It was intolerable…. And with each light that
Ellipsis should have only three dots, and two spaces following.
“So… are you Doctor Octopus or something?” I asked with a little frown.
Should have only one space after the quotation.
Not one of those brainbots… that’s too much crazy for me to deal with.
“Now that they have Steelpony, I know they’ll have a future to work towards.
Paragraphs should end with closing quotation marks.
the fact that most of my body was synthetic... Probably… fifty or sixty years…”
Either "probably" shouldn't be capitalized or there should be a second space after the preceding ellipsis.
“No, Blackjack. I didn’t.” she replied firmly.
Period at end of quotation should be comma.
each of the people in the line of succession and then to a ‘descendant.’
Period to outside of quotation marks.
‘ERROR,’ flashed over and over in my vision.
I'm not sure the comma should be there.
I finally just stopped as I panted and looked at every eye on me.
. . .
I wanted to gasp, but my lungs didn’t gasp.
That seems a little weird, that she can pant but not gasp. Also,
I wanted my heart to race, but it didn’t beat at all.
I thought her heart was just very steady, not . . . not a heart. But I guess it could be a continuous-flow pump.
I could- at least in theory- walk without feeling like a cripple.
Second hyphen for dashes, and symmetrical spacing around them.
“It’s built in now. You don’t need to cover it up any more.”
"built-in"
They’re scrubbing out Deus’ room for you.”
"Deus's"
”That leaves the Enclave…
Quotation mark's the wrong way.
“No blood anywhere…. That’s a good sign.”
Ellipsis should have only three dots, two spaces.
I really wished there was some sort of manual or something: ‘Your New Mechanical Body and You.’
Period to outside of quotation marks.
I said as I nuzzled her cheek. “I really thought I was
Only one space after the period.
“I think we should all go.” P-21 muttered as he rubbed
Period should be comma.
A new name had been carved into it. ‘Blackjack.’
Period to outside of quotation marks?
Was it now my ‘reprocessor?’
Question mark to outside of quotation marks.
It was from Charity, and it was precisely what I needed right now:
Weird tense thing: would that be "right then"?
(Of course, the sentence also works fine without either.)
She’d definitely been through the wringer, as had her friends.
It's a minor thing, but there was no indication to this point that Blackjack saw Littlepip's friends. Though, with this a few lines later:
Besides, none of her friends were really critically injured, though clearly they’d been well chewed by the Wasteland.
"as had her friends" might just be redundant.
She flushed and looked away as I shook my head. “Sorry…”
Only one space after the period.
Anyway, enough of our little problems. When can you take
Only one space after the period.
I think one of us should stay with you.” LittlePip scowled
Three spaces after the period.
“You said you had to do it… no friends… Remember?”
Should have two spaces after second ellipsis, or "remember" shouldn't be capitalized.
“So then you say ‘Oh, there’s a secret passage in the basement. We can get out that way! Only a few ghouls!”
Should have closing single-quotation mark after exclamation point following "ghouls."
Well, it was better than my plan to ‘hit them some more.’
Period to outside of quotation marks?
Then, of course I landed flat on my back next to the wiggling corpse.
With the "then" there, I think that there should be a comma afer "course."
“Ouch,’ I winced, then extended
Second quotation mark should be double, not single. Also, since "winced" isn't a speaking word, the comma in the quotation should be a period and the quotation should be followed by two spaces.
piece of scrap metal. ‘Eat, huh’?
Suggest: 'Eat', huh?
She wasn’t telling me something, but then she fought mind-reading things.
Comma after "then"?
Her ears fell… “But I’m just not drunk enough to forget that I have a mare already.”
Three spaces after the ellipsis, also the characterization thing I said in the running commentary.
Maybe if she said something about "not drunk enough to forget I shouldn't fool around so soon after surgery" . . . "But drunk enough that I'll risk one kiss"?
Or maybe something about forgetting that they are too busy.
Sorry, I do like the joke, but the setup just seems too jarring, to clash too much with her apparent sincerity regarding Stygius, P-21's backing her up, Scotch's reaction . . .
“But I am drunk enough that she’ll probably forgive me one kiss.” I pointed out with a laugh as I walked
Period should be comma, also characterization consistency.
Did I mention that? I’d told her something
Only one space after the question mark.
Right… with the talky
Should have only one space after the ellipsis.
extremely addictive... It was a big, big problem for me.”
Should have second space after ellipsis.
The two ponies replied, “Gear.” A minute later,
Three spaces after the quotation.
effectively wrestling her to the ground. My fingers popped out and
Only one space after the period.
that was new. Luna Space Center
Three spaces after the period.
There wasn’t anything printed on the map, but there was a bright red circle exactly where my PipBuck said it could be located.
I think that "could" should be "should," but "would" might work, too.
A green line had been drawn from the circle under the Core and out to the rail lines that lead straight to Fillydelphia.
I'm not sure the "and" should be there, and "lead" should be "led."
We were rolling, screaming, clawing, and squawking as she scratched at my limbs, and I pummeled and kicked like mad.
Should the comma after "limbs" be there? It seems to break up the sentence such that the simultaneity is broken a bit and the list doesn't modify what follows the comma.
alicorn was like. Big. Wings. Horn. Pretty standard
Only one space following period after "big."
“Why, is he recruiting?” I asked, seeing the apprehension
Should have only one space after quotation.
Please recall that I make the corrections before reading either commentary, so this isn't very helpful. In case I've been thinking that it was clearer than it actually is, my workflow is other chapter corrections->main chapter corrections->running commentary->overall commentary. Thank you very much for pointing out the problem, though; it has now been fixed.Icy Shake wrote:also the characterization thing I said in the running commentary
:DIcy Shake wrote:Ah, yes. I remember this door and the months of speculation it fueled, not to mention some heated discussion of the mechanics of doors and how or why different locking mechanisms would be installed on them, and at what point, and the bureaucratic decision-making process of assigning offices, and more. It was probably even bigger than the Great Train Discussion of summer 2012.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Mon Dec 09, 2013 3:23 am
I believe we got Word of God that green and gold was Vanity and Blueblood.Icy Shake wrote:So, yeah, does anyone remember who the gold, green, pair of pink, and lavender and purple stars were?
As for the pink siblings with purple and lavender parents, I've never seen a solid theory. My best guess would be to look back and see if you could find a nuclear family (ha ha ha) that died during the course of the story. On the other hand, AJ, Pinkie, and Rarity are hanging around, waiting for Fluttershy, Twilight, and Rainbow Dash (and Applesnack)... so it's not necessarily a family that died all at once. And it could also be someone from FoE.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Somber Mon Dec 09, 2013 10:39 am
Think of another side fic with a little pink protagonist...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Aonee Mon Dec 09, 2013 11:39 am
Huh. I guess Pinkie Pie and Puppy would get along well, wouldn't they.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Evilgidgit Mon Dec 09, 2013 12:21 pm
Well, Puppy did meet the Pinkiebot and that didn't go well.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scienza Mon Dec 09, 2013 12:26 pm
She would, wouldn't she?Aonee wrote:Huh. I guess Pinkie Pie and Puppy would get along well, wouldn't they.
Although, Pink Eyes is kinda weird chronologically, since it's set decently far into the Steel Rangers Schism, while, if I recall, Black is right at the beginning (since Steel Rain refers to the raid on Stable 2 as concurrent with the Ranger-Reaper War).
Of course, though, it's probably just a nice nod to another fic and I'm overanalyzing disparate continuities.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Meleagridis Mon Dec 09, 2013 4:21 pm
Icy Shake wrote:Chapter Thirty Four Running Thoughts
I'm taking a moment to say that these reviews of old chapters are great to read, especially for people like me with poor memories who don't reread often. There's even bonus content regarding the comments, too. I remember the door discussion... ah, the memories.
Since you just finished Black, do you remember the names of those three aboard the Seahorse? Were they even all mentioned? I think one was Nails, the Harbinger. But I can't remember the one on the bridge or the one as of yet unmentioned.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Caoimhe Mon Dec 09, 2013 7:36 pm
Put all the summary thoughts on one web page, make the background yellow and call it "Project Horizons: The Unauthorized Cliff's Notes."
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Derpmind Mon Dec 09, 2013 8:54 pm
So I was looking at old chapters, and chapter 14 gives the strangest error. Check it out.
"File is in owner's trash
You will soon permanently lose access to this file.
For continued access, please make a copy.
Comments will not be copied to the new document."
You press a button that copies it to a new google doc, for whatever reason. I hope the chapter doesn't get accidentally deleted, so please fix whatever the heck is going on there.
"File is in owner's trash
You will soon permanently lose access to this file.
For continued access, please make a copy.
Comments will not be copied to the new document."
You press a button that copies it to a new google doc, for whatever reason. I hope the chapter doesn't get accidentally deleted, so please fix whatever the heck is going on there.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Mon Dec 09, 2013 9:11 pm
Here's what I know about the four (or five) on the Seahorse:Meleagridis wrote:Icy Shake wrote:Chapter Thirty Four Running Thoughts
I'm taking a moment to say that these reviews of old chapters are great to read, especially for people like me with poor memories who don't reread often. There's even bonus content regarding the comments, too. I remember the door discussion... ah, the memories.
Since you just finished Black, do you remember the names of those three aboard the Seahorse? Were they even all mentioned? I think one was Nails, the Harbinger. But I can't remember the one on the bridge or the one as of yet unmentioned.
We have two and a half names. Nails was one, and yes, he was the Harbinger who didn't reveal her location. There was also Clink, who subsequently got shot for being a repeat offender. Our half-a-name is "Nicked Jewels," from the museum. I'm guessing that the way he got his nickname is also the reason you forgot (and, I'll admit, I had forgotten) he was involved.
So there's one left who hasn't really been given an identity, or one that I remember, anyway.
At least one was from Fallen Arch, and one was Sidewinder's (the old leader of the Pecos) brother.
One got his guts blown out by a magic bullet, and so likely was not included among the four that Blackjack counted herself as saving through her forgiveness and leniency, but there was a lot going on in the scene, the viewpoint character was blind, and she could only pick out the voices starting in the middle, so I'm not entirely sure.
- Possible error in 18:
- “This is the way that feels… right,” I muttered, already self-conscious. Ugh, even Rampage and Thorn were watching! I felt a little weak in the gut. This was going to the terrible.
"Going to be"?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Dec 09, 2013 11:27 pm
Eh? That is quite peculiar. Thank you very much for notifying us! I don't know what the problem was, but I've now made a copy with myself as the owner and updated the hub page link.Derpmind wrote:So I was looking at old chapters, and chapter 14 gives the strangest error. Check it out.
"File is in owner's trash
You will soon permanently lose access to this file.
For continued access, please make a copy.
Comments will not be copied to the new document."
You press a button that copies it to a new google doc, for whatever reason. I hope the chapter doesn't get accidentally deleted, so please fix whatever the heck is going on there.
Is this happening to any other chapters?
@Icy Shake:
Ah, thank you.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Dec 09, 2013 11:31 pm
Oh, dear me, yes; the same affliction befell Chapter Thirty! It has now also been copied, though I can't get into the hub page to update the link.
Continuing to check chapters…
Continuing to check chapters…
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Dec 09, 2013 11:40 pm
56 was out too. Thank you inestimably much, Derpmind!
Okay, that looks like all of them, clear through 62 Part Two (which, of course, hasn't been released yet). I've also now been able to get onto the hub page, so the links are updated.
Please let us know immediately if you discover this happening to any other chapters; the idea of losing any of PH is terrifying.
Okay, that looks like all of them, clear through 62 Part Two (which, of course, hasn't been released yet). I've also now been able to get onto the hub page, so the links are updated.
Please let us know immediately if you discover this happening to any other chapters; the idea of losing any of PH is terrifying.
Last edited by O. Hinds on Tue Dec 10, 2013 12:13 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Tue Dec 10, 2013 12:13 am
I've also just downloaded all of PH, including the unfinished second part of 62 and the hub page, just in case.
On the plus side, this spurred me to finally clean up the file names and my personal organization of them.
On the plus side, this spurred me to finally clean up the file names and my personal organization of them.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Tue Dec 10, 2013 12:43 am
Thank you very, very much, Derpmind; it turns out that Somber's personal backups of PH are currently sitting on a dead backup drive, so if you hadn't caught this before any actual damage was done...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Tue Dec 10, 2013 1:09 am
Oh. I didn't know she had a sister.Somber wrote:Think of another side fic with a little pink protagonist...
Not that I would know, given how little of it I read...
Well... maybe, but the "cheery pink" star was separate from the "pair of pink motes". Can somepony who did read that fic fill me in, maybe?Aonee wrote:Huh. I guess Pinkie Pie and Puppy would get along well, wouldn't they.
Whew! Three cheers for Derpmind!O. Hinds wrote:Thank you very, very much, Derpmind; it turns out that Somber's personal backups of PH are currently sitting on a dead backup drive, so if you hadn't caught this before any actual damage was done...
Hip-hip...
yayHip-hip...
yayHip-hip... GAAAAAAAAASP
yaaaay
Too loud?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Somber Tue Dec 10, 2013 1:10 am
It was pink eyes and her mom playing with thorn and roses.
And thank you so very much Derpmind! ::hugs::
And thank you so very much Derpmind! ::hugs::
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