Sister forum[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Thu Nov 14, 2013 9:47 pm
That looks like it ought to work.Icy Shake wrote:We'll see. It sounds like you've already taken care of those, but let me know what you think of this format, in case I should ever try something like it again. I figure losing order within a chapter is less harmful, as ^F is how you'd find everything anyway.O. Hinds wrote:It would help if you provided a list by chapter, though, or at least of chapters included; that would be much more useful than a list by word for such an extensive multi-chapter error list, since opening chapters can be one of the largest (or at least seem like it) and most annoying parts of the job. As it is, I'm scrolling through your entire list looking for duplicate chapters. Hopefully I didn't miss anything, but I expect that your reread will eventually catch it if I did.
- Spoiler:
38: { “I don’t need to involve Horse, thank you very much. I am quite capable of handling this on my own.” The two shared a look. “No no. Not him? I mean the other Director?” Flam winced as her gaze sharpened. to lower (director) } 13: “You’re sure there are raiders here?” I asked the Sergeant once I’d gotten to lower (sergeant) 13: I imagine it would have made your life easier, but the Sergeant only had orders to retrieve to lower (sergeant) 13: Now that the Sergeant was in sight, the others busted their butts to clear out the farmhouse. to lower (sergeant) 13: tossed it over my shoulder at the Sergeant backing me up. to lower (sergeant) 27: “Sergeant Wind Whisper.” . . . “It’s lieutenant, now, though being lieutenant of the Volunteer Corps is like being captain of a griffin dung cleanup crew. possibly "It's Lieutenant, now," depending on how you look at it 31: “Right. And what do you do for a living, doctor?” I asked, trying to divide my attention. to upper, doctor 31: The question has also been raised of whether the Sergeant’s open intimate relationship with Shujaa is a conflict of loyalties. to lower, sergeant 33: “He’s a Sergeant! He’s a soldier!” Maripony yelled, to lower, sergeant 42: “Suicide. Just couldn’t take it anymore, Gusty,” the Director said quickly. to lower, director 42: “You-“ I reared up and brought (second hyphen for dash) second hyphen for dash 45: shadows, and moved away when I approached them for directions to the cafeteria or the Mayor. to lower, mayor 51: *Chaser blinked and flushed, trying to glare an answer out of the Director of Enclave Intelligence. depends 51: *frowned at the High General’s glowering silence, and continued, depends 51: *If you will please wait here, we’ll locate the Honored Councilor so you can depart together. depends 51: *Something about her words snapped the High General out of his brooding. depends 51: *The light mare beside the Honored Councilor tried to hide her annoyance as the dark stallion on her other side just chuckled. depends 51: “I don’t even know which part of me is thinking right now. The Doctor? Shujaa?” to lower, doctor 51: From the cool disdain on her face, it was obvious that she was leaving it up to the General to show dishonor first. to lower, general 51: Harbinger and the General were leaving the monitor anyway; I supposed that the Goddess to lower, general 51: The Director bared his teeth, not bothering to hide his contempt. to lower, director 52: *The Honored Councilor sent these three with him.” depends 53: I ignored her request. “Where is the Director?” I asked slowly. to lower, director 56: If we pick up Father on the way, we should be able to see the Councilor pretty much as soon as we arrive.” to lower, councilor 58: *“For the High General!” screamed a voice from above us. depends 59: *“Is this the terrorist scum that killed the High General?” depends 59: *“Now that the High General is dead, you have depends 59: *“She killed the High General! Everypony knows it!” depends 59: *“They were all extremely, inappropriately, close to the High General. depends 59: *All of you had a… personal… relationship with the High General. depends 59: *burn or jump for what you did to the High General,” depends 59: *councilors blaming me for not physically stopping the High General from going in there, depends 59: *proficient at ferreting out information for the High General. depends 59: *Your High General was just in the wrong place at the wrong time.” depends 59: “Don’t kill them, Blackjack,” the General snapped, making all three of them pause. to lower, general 59: “I understand. I wouldn’t want to try to execute somepony I’d fought with either, Sergeant,” the General replied. to lower, general 59: “Occasionally, the unexpected is the most expedient,” the General said as she inspected some papers on her desk. to lower, general 59: “So! You were saying?” I brightly asked the General as she sat to lower, general 59: “You’re suggesting that this is nothing more than a self-sacrificing PR stunt?” the General asked in low, skeptical tones. to lower, general 59: Afterburner hissed through her teeth as the General pinned her with a glare and continued. to lower, general 59: I said to the pair, then turned a questioning expression to the General. to lower, general 59: interrogation was complete, Captain Crosswinds,” the General snapped. to lower, general 59: it’s you who will be summarily killed, by me,” the General replied, to lower, general 59: The General clenched her jaw as she rose behind her desk. to lower, general 59: The General gave the mare a long stare, and she drew herself more rigid. to lower, general 59: The General stared at me, then rubbed the bridge of her muzzle. to lower, general 59: They hadn’t blabbed about Glory being Rainbow Dash. I nodded once to the General. to lower, general 59: they’re willing to try.” The General shook her head. to lower, general 59: To the General’s credit, though, she knew how to pick them. to lower, general 59: Work with them to close him down?” I suggested, and the General frowned thoughtfully. to lower, general 60: *“The Enclave has just lost its High General at Maripony. depends 60: *over and was appointed High General, the first High General with no live combat experience. depends 60: “Blackjack, Enclave Councilors have round the clock security,” depends 60: “Dr. Morningstar is the Councilor’s secretary of science. If we talk to lower, councilor 60: “He has more letters after his name than anypony I know, but I didn’t know he worked with the Councilor too.” to lower, councilor 60: “Hmmm! I got it! We sneak in under the cover of darkness and talk to the Councilor in her bedroom!” to lower, councilor 60: “Oh, that would be fascinating!” the Doctor said immediately, grinning in his brushy beard, making Glory groan once more. to lower, doctor 60: “So, what is the plan for meeting with the Councilor?” Twister asked Glory. to lower, councilor 60: able to avoid engaging the city directly,” the General said. to lower, general 60: All I could hope was that the Councilor could throw a switch and prevent the two from to lower, councilor 60: I felt a shooty impulse... but it wasn’t like the Doctor had planned it. to lower, doctor 60: I just figured we’d get up here and, one way or another, we’d get in contact with the Councilor. to lower, councilor 60: I thought the Councilor needed to know about it well before then. to lower, councilor 60: If he’d simply relaxed...” the Doctor tisked and shook his head. to lower, doctor 60: No. We weren’t meeting with the Councilor till the morning. Why would she send to lower, councilor 60: Nopony is going to see the Councilor after hours, and it’s late.” to lower, councilor 60: than Lighthooves. “Does the Councilor know about this plan?” to lower, councilor 60: The Councilor would wet herself if she heard of it. to lower, councilor 60: We can’t trust them, and we’re still at a loss for how to contact the Councilor without ending up dead or in jail.” to lower, councilor 61: *with the Striker family to murder both the Councilor and the Director of Security, Stratus.” depends (DoS), to lower, councilor 61: “They’re blaming me for the murder of the Councilor,” I muttered sullenly. to lower, councilor 61: “With the Councilor dead, who takes over?” to lower, councilor 61: And when the Councilor learned that there was a Neighvarro intelligence cell here wishing to to lower, councilor 61: As the Councilor’s still-warm blood splashed across my head and face, I to lower, councilor 61: But I still didn’t understand why the Councilor had been there. to lower, councilor 61: Hand over everypony to the Enclave and... and I’m the next Councilor. to lower, councilor 61: hope you will keep my cooperation in mind when appointing the next Councilor to Thunderhead. depends, probably to lower councilor 61: I don’t know who killed the Councilor, but it wasn’t her!” to lower, councilor 61: I have evidence taken from the Director’s terminal of burst transmissions to Neighvarro to lower, director 61: If the Councilor dies, the Lieutenant Councilor takes over, but he resigned last week. to lower, lieu. Coun. And coun 61: If you hadn’t killed the Councilor and Stratus, then we never could have gotten our reserves back to the tower. to lower, councilor 61: with the Striker family to murder both the Councilor and the Director of Security, Stratus.” to lower, councilor 62: Her smile faded as the Doctor said, “I’ve been trying to treat the Angel. to lower, doctor Well, my understanding is that the specificity of titles can make a difference, in that some don't merely modify or take the place of proper nouns, but are treated as such themselves. See, for instance, the distinction between "I sent a letter to the duke," and "I sent a letter to the Duke of Norfolk" (operating much like "His Grace" or, as above, "Her Highness). Likewise, some offices are capitalized in general, even when referring to the holder of that office, as in "This was decided jointly with Turkey as the host nation and in close coordination with the Supreme Allied Commander Europe, following a military assessment by the Allies involved and NATO’s Military Authorities."SilentCarto wrote:Well, once again, if you're starting the phrase with "the", do not capitalize. Think of it this way: it's only capitalized if you could replace the title (and only the title) with the person's name and it would still make sense. "Your Majesty", "Her Highness", and so on are therefore capitalized.
"Would Your Majesty like a drink?" -> "Would Celestia like a drink?" (Kind of odd to address her in the third person, but that's how 'Your Majesty' works.)
"Is Her Highness well?" -> "Is Luna well?"
"I don't like it, Captain." -> "I don't like it, Shining Armor."
If you're merely talking about the high general, you wouldn't say "The Harbinger"*, so no caps.
"What did the princess say?" -> "What did the Twilight Sparkle say?"
That said, some people will insist on capitalizing their own ruler no matter what.
*In before ASSUMING DIRECT CONTROL.
Then you have cases of disagreement, as with the pope. The Guardian capitalizes "the Pope," while, for instance, The Boston Globe does not, though that could be a trans-Atlantic divergence in the treatment of titles.
But wouldn't it be nice if it were simple and everyone agreed?
Oh, and "Your Highness" is, I believe, second person, not third.
:DDerpmind wrote:Pony + Post-Apocalypse + Whisky + Grammar = This thread.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Fri Nov 15, 2013 1:14 am
Those are two different rules, really. Try to keep them separate. "His Grace" is a title (well... mode of address) that stands in for a name; the formal name of a position is a proper noun in and of itself. (President is not a proper noun. President of the United States of America is.)Icy Shake wrote:Well, my understanding is that the specificity of titles can make a difference, in that some don't merely modify or take the place of proper nouns, but are treated as such themselves. See, for instance, the distinction between "I sent a letter to the duke," and "I sent a letter to the Duke of Norfolk" (operating much like "His Grace" or, as above, "Her Highness).
Likewise, some offices are capitalized in general, even when referring to the holder of that office, as in "This was decided jointly with Turkey as the host nation and in close coordination with the Supreme Allied Commander Europe, following a military assessment by the Allies involved and NATO’s Military Authorities."
Remember what I said about some people capitalizing certain titles all the time? This is one of those times. Technically speaking, "Pope" works just like "King", but some writers will capitalize it anyway as a sign of respect for the individiual and disrespect for the language. :)Icy Shake wrote:Then you have cases of disagreement, as with the pope. The Guardian capitalizes "the Pope," while, for instance, The Boston Globe does not, though that could be a trans-Atlantic divergence in the treatment of titles.
But wouldn't it be nice if it were simple and everyone agreed?
Anyway, his title isn't actually "pope". It's "Bishop of Rome, Vicar of Jesus Christ, Successor of the Prince of the Apostles, Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church, Primate of Italy, Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province, Sovereign of the Vatican City State, Servant of the servants of God". Note that "pope" doesn't appear anywhere there.
I could make a joke about the pope being a primate, but I don't feel like monkeying with it.
Not exactly. "Would your brother like a waffle?" is third person, even if your brother is present. Likewise, if I'm addressing the princess's elevated status rather than the princess herself, it's still third person.Icy Shake wrote:Oh, and "Your Highness" is, I believe, second person, not third.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by WavemasterRyx Sun Nov 17, 2013 3:51 am
*hugs Somber gently*
I know I say it every time, but thank you for putting so much effort into this world that you've created. It's no exaggeration to say that my life would be much worse off without it.
Thank you as well to Hinds, Bronode, Swicked, Fuzzy, and Hidden for everything you do to help out.
I'm always hoping things will get better for you, sir. Just try to take care of yourself, and remember that we believe in you. And definitely good luck on your original manuscript! Remember that if you need to take time away from PH to make that work, it's not a problem, what's most important is that you're okay.
I know I say it every time, but thank you for putting so much effort into this world that you've created. It's no exaggeration to say that my life would be much worse off without it.
Thank you as well to Hinds, Bronode, Swicked, Fuzzy, and Hidden for everything you do to help out.
I'm always hoping things will get better for you, sir. Just try to take care of yourself, and remember that we believe in you. And definitely good luck on your original manuscript! Remember that if you need to take time away from PH to make that work, it's not a problem, what's most important is that you're okay.
- Chapter 62 Commentary:
While this wasn't a particularly happy chapter at all, I very much enjoyed it, so much that I read it all the way through without remembering to take breaks to stretch.
It's amazing really just how quickly "civilization" goes out the door when a tragedy like this occurs. It reminds me of one episode of the Twilight Zone... I wish I could say it wasn't accurate, but it's so very easy to make people turn on eachother...
Hopefully the shop owner and Boomer will be alright.
I'm glad Glory has a plan, but splitting up really isn't a good idea at all, especially with the kind of forces being employed right now... I'm worried Blackjack's going to come back only for P-21 to present her with a faintly-glowing bottle, or to find Glory in a stasis tube next to her father's.
Hopefully they will get a chance to celebrate her return to normal properly. Interesting that she's back to missing a wing with the transformation reversed, I wonder if there's some other implications along with that.
Poor Boo... she just really doesn't want to be away from Blackjack anymore. And poor Scotch... I really probably shouldn't be laughing at her, but I did a little.
The scene with the missile was definitely a bit chilling.
Okay, so General Storm Chaser wasn't the one who betrayed Blackjack, but she almost played right into it... I guess she can't help it though really.
Blackjack's scream and her speech really made me tear up, the poor dear...
The scenes leading up to the assault are very solid, I'm sorry I can't think of more to say about them right now.
Dang... so the reason Lighthooves' white armor was so familiar wasn't because of Mare Do Well, but because it's the same cybernetics Blackjack had. I must say that's a pretty good misdirect. Which also means the friend that betrayed Blackjack was Dr. Zodiac... That's definitely going to require a long talk when they finally get the time.
The fighting on the bridge was well done, and as much as I hate anypony to die (with a few exceptions), I think this version that you ended up using works very well. I'm just sorry you had to put so much work into revising it so many times...
It's really a good thing Boo is so lucky... I'm worried about when that luck is finally going to run out though.
I probably should have expected it by now, but Rampage's outburst really caught me off guard. She's just really not handling this nearly as well as I'd thought she would.
Yeah, keeping Afterburner and Hoarfrost deployed in the same battle-line was probably a huge mistake...
The reveal and the description of the Core gave me absolute chills. Very nice little bit of description.
It's great that Blackjack was able to get Cognitum to help, though there's sure to be ramifications of it later. What I'm really worried about is just how much damage Lighthooves' use of the Core's weapons caused. They had to have been pretty high above the Core, and to have felt the Enervation as strongly as they did, it means that it probably spread quite a distance horizontally too... And that's not even taking into account the concentrations of rings that must be in places like the Society... I really hope things will be okay when Blackjack goes back below the clouds.
Ah, well I tried to keep an open mind about Hoarfrost and Afterburner, but it would seem that aside from being very typical Enclave, they are both complete bitches. I really should have been substantially less surprised than I was that they were trying to capture the plague intact for the Enclave's use.
Hopefully Glory can manage to at least get some ponies evacuated safely...
Twist's speech to the general is nice, I'm glad she got a chance to make a difference again, at least once.
It's always touching to have subordinates that stand up in support of their commander too.
I have no idea what Blackjack could have possibly written, but I'm really looking forward to finding out what her plan is, even more than usual.
Well I guess getting to kick Blackjack off the Raptor is certainly one way to work off some of Rampage's stress.
Dang, Boo is /really/ strong. She's also incredibly brave and devoted to jump down after Blackjack like that. It's really quite touching. *hugs Blackjack and Boo*
"Call me shallow, but in addition to saving tens of thousands of lives and preventing the spread of a cannibalistic plague across the world, I really really looked forward to renewing that snugglage." - Well, with all she's been through, I think Blackjack deserves a little leeway for wanting to be back together with Glory.
The descriptions of the Core make it sound really incredible, definitely a frightening place to be.
I'm glad Boo is okay from the Enervation exposure too, that wouldn't have been good at all.
For splitting the chapter into two pieces, I think it was a good place to end it, it's a nice, strong ending
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Nov 17, 2013 5:20 am
…I had not thought of that. Oh dear.WavemasterRyx wrote:What I'm really worried about is just how much damage Lighthooves' use of the Core's weapons caused. They had to have been pretty high above the Core, and to have felt the Enervation as strongly as they did, it means that it probably spread quite a distance horizontally too... And that's not even taking into account the concentrations of rings that must be in places like the Society... I really hope things will be okay when Blackjack goes back below the clouds.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Nov 17, 2013 5:47 am
Yeah. Now, we don't know just how wide the river is there or if Chapel's usual unusual lack of Enervation comes into play, but still...swicked wrote:Wow, can you imagine? I don't think any settlement is closer to the core than Chapel...O. Hinds wrote:…I had not thought of that. Oh dear.WavemasterRyx wrote:What I'm really worried about is just how much damage Lighthooves' use of the Core's weapons caused. They had to have been pretty high above the Core, and to have felt the Enervation as strongly as they did, it means that it probably spread quite a distance horizontally too... And that's not even taking into account the concentrations of rings that must be in places like the Society... I really hope things will be okay when Blackjack goes back below the clouds.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Technowolf Sun Nov 17, 2013 11:22 am
This also assumes that Enervation behaves like a gas or radiation. I'll hold off judgement until we really know what it is.O. Hinds wrote:Yeah. Now, we don't know just how wide the river is there or if Chapel's usual unusual lack of Enervation comes into play, but still...swicked wrote:Wow, can you imagine? I don't think any settlement is closer to the core than Chapel...O. Hinds wrote:…I had not thought of that. Oh dear.WavemasterRyx wrote:What I'm really worried about is just how much damage Lighthooves' use of the Core's weapons caused. They had to have been pretty high above the Core, and to have felt the Enervation as strongly as they did, it means that it probably spread quite a distance horizontally too... And that's not even taking into account the concentrations of rings that must be in places like the Society... I really hope things will be okay when Blackjack goes back below the clouds.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Moodyman90 Sun Nov 17, 2013 11:52 am
I was gonna make a comment but then I realized I never really came up with my own head canon about Enervation.
I mean, if I had to picture it's spread in the last chapter than it's like a giant sphere from the Core, but that doesn't match up with all the other times it was shown.
Enervation is just kinda there in Hoofington. I'm gonna say that in reality it's literally everywhere in Hoofington, just that places like Chapel, the Society, Flank there's so little of it, it's like its not there. And then there's places where there's always mid to high levels of it for reasons we don't really know other than that maybe there's rings being powered nearby. And finally there's places that are death traps, where there seems to be no Enervation until the power kicks on.
It has a range, like that Enervation field Blackjack had to run through to get to Flank the first time, but really it's just kinda random of how, when and where it works.
I mean, if I had to picture it's spread in the last chapter than it's like a giant sphere from the Core, but that doesn't match up with all the other times it was shown.
Enervation is just kinda there in Hoofington. I'm gonna say that in reality it's literally everywhere in Hoofington, just that places like Chapel, the Society, Flank there's so little of it, it's like its not there. And then there's places where there's always mid to high levels of it for reasons we don't really know other than that maybe there's rings being powered nearby. And finally there's places that are death traps, where there seems to be no Enervation until the power kicks on.
It has a range, like that Enervation field Blackjack had to run through to get to Flank the first time, but really it's just kinda random of how, when and where it works.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scienza Sun Nov 17, 2013 11:52 am
My best guess is that Enervation behaves in a manner akin to a magnetic field, especially since it's usually described as such ("enervation field" as opposed to "enervation ray" or "enervation miasma"). It's why you have to enter a certain radius from a source of enervation to feel its effects.Technowolf wrote:This also assumes that Enervation behaves like a gas or radiation. I'll hold off judgement until we really know what it is.O. Hinds wrote:Yeah. Now, we don't know just how wide the river is there or if Chapel's usual unusual lack of Enervation comes into play, but still...swicked wrote:Wow, can you imagine? I don't think any settlement is closer to the core than Chapel...O. Hinds wrote:…I had not thought of that. Oh dear.WavemasterRyx wrote:What I'm really worried about is just how much damage Lighthooves' use of the Core's weapons caused. They had to have been pretty high above the Core, and to have felt the Enervation as strongly as they did, it means that it probably spread quite a distance horizontally too... And that's not even taking into account the concentrations of rings that must be in places like the Society... I really hope things will be okay when Blackjack goes back below the clouds.
But yeah, Chapel's fucked. We can't even imagine the size of the field that would be generated by the Core.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by RoboRed Sun Nov 17, 2013 12:16 pm
...Oh crap...swicked wrote:Wow, can you imagine? I don't think any settlement is closer to the core than Chapel...O. Hinds wrote:…I had not thought of that. Oh dear.WavemasterRyx wrote:What I'm really worried about is just how much damage Lighthooves' use of the Core's weapons caused. They had to have been pretty high above the Core, and to have felt the Enervation as strongly as they did, it means that it probably spread quite a distance horizontally too... And that's not even taking into account the concentrations of rings that must be in places like the Society... I really hope things will be okay when Blackjack goes back below the clouds.
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 17 Rainbowderp](https://2img.net/h/www.fimfiction-static.net/images/emoticons/rainbowderp.png)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Caoimhe Sun Nov 17, 2013 3:19 pm
Curious: Is part 2 due out sooner than usual because of the split? Was it more or less done by the time part 1 was released? Is the next chapter being worked on simultaneously?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Somber Sun Nov 17, 2013 6:45 pm
I'm 10p in to part b. I thought it's only be 25-30p... but I thought the same thing about the entire chapter...
::Failwriter fails.::
::Failwriter fails.::
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Nov 17, 2013 6:47 pm
Writing more is not failing!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by WavemasterRyx Sun Nov 17, 2013 7:14 pm
Please try not to worry about it, Somber. Just try your best, and write as much as you need to write. I don't think you're a failure at all.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Derpmind Sun Nov 17, 2013 7:19 pm
If your writing met your stated expectations, it would literally be the worst writing ever. There's seriously no such thing as proper pacing, just whatever is appropriate at the time. Go with the flow! Give in! Come to the Dark Side!Somber wrote:I'm 10p in to part b. I thought it's only be 25-30p... but I thought the same thing about the entire chapter...
::Failwriter fails.::
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Sun Nov 17, 2013 7:21 pm
Ya know it's like I always say, mo' words... no problems.
Guest- Guest
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by RoboRed Sun Nov 17, 2013 7:49 pm
And you are the most spectacular of failures, and that is why we love you for it. You should fail more. *hugz*Somber wrote:
::Failwriter fails.::
#I'mtotallybadatreversepsychology
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scienza Sun Nov 17, 2013 7:57 pm
Seriously man, don't worry about it. We'd rather have a massive chapter which flows naturally than one that was chopped down and rushed. Like, seriously, your fic is well beyond what many would consider absurdly long, so you've been in the "Fuck it, this thing is going to be as long as it takes" territory for a long time. The fact that you've skillfully used that longness to create as rich and interesting of a world as possible is a large part of the reason why this thread is also absurdly long. Trust me, we like long.Somber wrote:I'm 10p in to part b. I thought it's only be 25-30p... but I thought the same thing about the entire chapter...
::Failwriter fails.::
The accepting and understanding thing also goes for the times when life gives you out-of-season lemons and expects you to make lemonade, preventing you from writing. We get that you're doing this on your own time, and as long as you're happy with it, we'll be happy as well.
WE WILL HUG YOU INTO OBLIVION
*INTENSE HUG*
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Captain Stramash Sun Nov 17, 2013 8:13 pm
Hey folks!
Finally finished the first part, really enjoyed the whole naval combat theme running through the chapter great work Somber!
Oh dear looks like Chapel might be screwed but they do have a mini vault remember.
Scienza that's a pretty good theory about enervation. I personally always thought of it as a signal being used to transmit commands or data through magical microwaves in machine speak which would explain the screeching kinda like tuning into the DSC channel on a VHF radio. I guess the rings resonate on the same frequency due to the metal and could potentially act as either relays or amplifiers to the signal. Problem is it doesn't explain the injuries received from exposure then again if you stood nest to a large military radar setup you would fry so I guess it's possible. Electronics is more my field to be honest.
Looking forward to the next part.
Finally finished the first part, really enjoyed the whole naval combat theme running through the chapter great work Somber!
Oh dear looks like Chapel might be screwed but they do have a mini vault remember.
Scienza that's a pretty good theory about enervation. I personally always thought of it as a signal being used to transmit commands or data through magical microwaves in machine speak which would explain the screeching kinda like tuning into the DSC channel on a VHF radio. I guess the rings resonate on the same frequency due to the metal and could potentially act as either relays or amplifiers to the signal. Problem is it doesn't explain the injuries received from exposure then again if you stood nest to a large military radar setup you would fry so I guess it's possible. Electronics is more my field to be honest.
Looking forward to the next part.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Captain Stramash Sun Nov 17, 2013 8:24 pm
Hey folks!
Finally finished the first part, really enjoyed the whole naval combat theme running through the chapter great work Somber!
Oh dear looks like Chapel might be screwed but they do have a mini vault remember.
Scienza that's a pretty good theory about enervation. I personally always thought of it as a signal being used to transmit commands or data through magical microwaves in machine speak which would explain the screeching kinda like tuning into the DSC channel on a VHF radio. I guess the rings resonate on the same frequency due to the metal and could potentially act as either relays or amplifiers to the signal. Problem is it doesn't explain the injuries received from exposure then again if you stood nest to a large military radar setup you would fry so I guess it's possible. Electronics is more my field to be honest.
Looking forward to the next part.
Finally finished the first part, really enjoyed the whole naval combat theme running through the chapter great work Somber!
Oh dear looks like Chapel might be screwed but they do have a mini vault remember.
Scienza that's a pretty good theory about enervation. I personally always thought of it as a signal being used to transmit commands or data through magical microwaves in machine speak which would explain the screeching kinda like tuning into the DSC channel on a VHF radio. I guess the rings resonate on the same frequency due to the metal and could potentially act as either relays or amplifiers to the signal. Problem is it doesn't explain the injuries received from exposure then again if you stood nest to a large military radar setup you would fry so I guess it's possible. Electronics is more my field to be honest.
Looking forward to the next part.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scienza Sun Nov 17, 2013 8:28 pm
Charity's going to be the lone survivor, immersed in a vast sea of bottlecaps and treasure.Captain Stramash wrote:
Oh dear looks like Chapel might be screwed but they do have a mini vault remember.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Captain Stramash Sun Nov 17, 2013 8:35 pm
Precious will likely survive too then but I can't see charity leaving everyone to go mushy.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Derpmind Sun Nov 17, 2013 8:38 pm
For whatever it counts, I don't think Enervation fried Chapel. Chapel may be close to the Core, but I think it's possible that the randomly scattered fields of Enervation are actually caused by underground tunnels that happen to be channeling whatever causes Enervation. If that's the case, then Chapel and similar settlements that weren't close enough to the underground areas to feel Enervation before probably got off completely unaffected by the recent flare of energy.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Sun Nov 17, 2013 8:57 pm
I wouldn't be so sure about that. First, I wouldn't exactly consider Zodiac a friend. An aquaintence, sure, and erstwhile ally, but a betrayal from her would be disappointing but not crushing or even particularly shocking. Second, with Steelpony unlocked, the info could have gotten out a number of ways -- snooping on the data stream when Zodiac downloaded it, or something involving Psalm's complicity, for example. But more to the point, we know Cog has that data, and probably just needed the access to use it -- which she gained as soon as Steelpony was unsealed. And since we know Lighthooves was working with her, I expect that's where he got the upgrades.WavemasterRyx wrote:Dang... so the reason Lighthooves' white armor was so familiar wasn't because of Mare Do Well, but because it's the same cybernetics Blackjack had. I must say that's a pretty good misdirect. Which also means the friend that betrayed Blackjack was Dr. Zodiac... That's definitely going to require a long talk when they finally get the time.
Well, remember, though, the source isn't at the surface. The Core is merely the epicenter. Given how far down the Tokomare was, I don't think the radial distance to Thunderhead and Chapel will be all that different, so the inhabitants of Chapel shouldn't have suffered any worse than the bridge crew around BJ. And that's discounting the idea that cooperation and harmony -- something Chapel's been showing a lot of lately -- may help insulate ponies against Enervation. Anyway, BJ got it shut down pretty quick, so... yay?swicked wrote:Wow, can you imagine? I don't think any settlement is closer to the core than Chapel...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Sun Nov 17, 2013 11:53 pm
Thank you, that was very informative.SilentCarto wrote:Grammar!
And, well, that's what I get for eliding the distinction between titles and styles. I'm still not entirely sold either way on "pope," though, since it's a borrowed word contraction of the style "Holy Father," but on balance I guess I'd go without capitalization when "the" is involved, which is most of the time. Oh, and I can't believe I keep forgetting that they dropped "Patriarch of the West" last decade. I rather liked that one.
It's okay, Somber. We forgive you. At this point, I'm pretty sure you lost everyone you were going to lose due to length, anyway; we who remain are with you for the long haul.Somber wrote:I'm 10p in to part b. I thought it's only be 25-30p... but I thought the same thing about the entire chapter...
::Failwriter fails.::
Oh, and I'm calling it now: we're not done with the Enclave until the high sixties, and the story as a whole breaks the hundred chapter and two million word marks. Okay, none of those is likely to happen, but a guy can dream, right?
- Chapter Thirty One Running Thoughts:
- More or less, I’ve survived with help, luck, wits, luck, unpredictability, luck, and more luck.
Amongst her weapons are . . . (/Spanish Inquisition)
If I could mark him, then I could beat him.
If I could beat him, then I could kill him.
Last chapter, we saw evidence the starmetal may be able to subtly warp physics to kill; here may be one of the early indicators that it makes people want to kill.
Then the street exploded. Thank Celestia the street exploded! This was just the right time for an explosion!
One of many wonderful catch-all responses she employs.
The blast tossed me aside, but Paladin Stronghoof calmly looked in the direction of the smoking crater and beyond where two dozen ponies dressed all in spiked, red-painted metal armor were charging.
Paladin Stronghoof is so cool, he can look at explosions.
Any ponies that would use sick raiders as living weapons weren’t my allies.
Says the pony who once used one as a torture device.
Okay, I felt my stomach clench as two flaming ponies thrashed wildly, taking way too long to die. I really did not like fire. That was an ugly way to go; give me a bullet any day.
You know what's one of the great things about this? How Blackjack doesn't immediately start to, and then continue habitually to, kill people with flame-based weaponry.
I saw an opening as clear as day, though, and my sword turned faster than I’d ever wielded it before. The tip slipped through his spiked armor to his throat, and I felt a supreme sense of satisfaction as I sliced his artery.
I think I had originally missed that, in addition to making you want to kill people, the sword actually works better when you are trying to kill rather than incapacitate.
I just stared at the fuzzy image of a raider getting smashed by the bouncing debris. “You threw that fight!” I shouted at him.
No. Fucking. Shit. Real quick on the uptake, there, Blackjack.
“The Goddess is quite keen to put this rabble in their place! After dealing with that… that mare… well…” Her eyes flashed and her voice boomed. “THE GODDESS FINDS THIS VERY THERAPEUTIC!”
Way to stick to your story, lady.
Two crimson bolts slammed into my chest, and my heart stopped as I fell back besides the fallen alicorn.
. . .
“How…” I murmured weakly.
Not doing too shabbily for someone in cardiac arrest.
It was weird to feel spinning as he held my head still in his hooves and pressed his lips towards mine.
Oh, yes. This would be a nice way to go… I puckered up for him…
Oh, Blackjack. Concussions don't make you any smarter, do they?
Everything had gotten lost. “Stop it!” I shouted as I tried to fight my way out of the hole on my broken braces. I could barely stand, let alone walk, but I had to end this. I had to end this right the fuck now. “Stop! Stop killing each other!” I screamed from the lip of the hole as I began firing, ignoring my friends around me. “Stop it! Stop it!” I didn’t know who I was attacking any more. With the smoke and the flame and beams I didn’t care. If it was red, I shot it. Shoot me, not each other. Shoot a pony who’s dead meat anyway! Just fucking stop! I was shooting and crying and screaming as I whirled from one to the next to the next. Bullets bit into my blasted barding; it wasn’t going to last much longer at this rate, not without some serious repair. That was okay, though. If ponies were shooting me, then they weren’t shooting each other.
I love this passage, and how it paints Blackjack as a hopeless character, pathetically in over her head and lashing out in the only way she knows how, despite the fact there's no chance that doing so could stop everyone else shooting each other for more than a few moments.
Then I looked at the shotgun and hesitated. I’d almost blown my friend’s head off. Would I be safe with it? Would they be safe if I had it? As if reading my mind, he scooped up the weapon and pressed it to my chest. “Take it. Just stay with it, okay, Blackjack? If you lose yourself, we’re all lost.”
I like the parallel to P-21's own refusal to carry a gun.
I looked at her and then pointed a hoof. “So… you were a soldier, volunteered to become this, and couldn’t be happier?”
. . .
I love this part. I really do.
Ah, more with Rampage being Shujaa, and also Twist.
I look at the pictures, and part of me says ‘that’s me’, and other parts say ‘no, it’s somepony else’ and they’re fighting with each other. And part of me loves what I see… a part of me hates what I see… and… it’s just wrong. I want to apologize to myself… and kill myself… and cut out my heart… and… ugh… just crazy!
Good description, this.
Tick tock tick. As we set off, I imagined the taint battling with my cells, slowly advancing and encroaching on healthy tissue. Building up bases and fortifying tumors. Staging raids and assaults on my intact organs till it completely controlled the territory of my body. I could swear I felt little explosions inside when I moved wrong. Twinges like gunfire. A general burning in my rear leg like flamers at work. And, every now and then, I imagined a bomb inside me going off that would make me pause and gasp.
This, too. It makes sense that she'd imagine things this way.
But that’s part of it too. The companions come out east and just happen to weed out all the dozens of little tribes so that they could get five competing organizations? And one of the companions goes up to the Enclave to get them involved too through the VC? I can’t believe it’s all coincidence.
. . . Aliens.
Okay, it's true this time, but I do wonder if Blackjack would be a conspiracy theorist anyway.
“That’s a great concern. But as you have pointed out… two centuries of Wasteland has accomplished little.” Two centuries of Watcher and the Enclave hasn’t accomplished much either, I thought.
I thought that she didn't hold that against Watcher.
“I have faith that she’ll one day return to me. I’ve lost Goddesses before…”
Ooh. Psalm foreshadowing.
I looked at her and thought that outright deception was called for. “Absolutely not.”
Come on. She's not the world's most boring pony to you.
Changing too much. Too much pride and too much anger… but nopony was interested in the opinions of a buck who fondly remembered steam trains.
Did they go to diesel? Maybe magic-powered/spark battery? Because I thought the issue was coal, after all.
“Blackjack?” Rampage asked softly.
“Hmmm?”
“Do you think I’m real?”
So let's see, we have this with Rampage and Lacunae, and Glory was worried, I think, that she was slowly becoming Rainbow Dash. That's a lot of "Do I exist?" going on.
I don’t know if you’re crazy or possessed or what… but you annoy me, so you must be real.
Great line from P-21. Very Cartesian.
A number of posters of Applejack and Twilight Sparkle could be found, along with pithy motivational posters.
I recently learned a game to play with motivational posters: append "So jump off that building, you're the goddamn Batman!" to the end.
For example, "Achievement: It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. So jump off that building, you're the goddamn Batman!" or "Persistence: Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful. So jump off that building, you're the goddamn Batman!"
Try it sometime!
“I really don’t need to hear this from a mare who ran away and left us to go join her marauding friends. You deal with your shit your way. I’ll deal with my shit in my own way.” He started limping towards the exit.
Wow. Savage response. Go P-21. Also, I don't recall his leg being injured in this chapter, but I could be wrong about that. Given the context, and how pissy he is, I suspect this is more reacton to Med-X withdrawal.
“Yeah,” I replied, looking ahead. Then I turned around abruptly. “Be right back.” Rampage sat down, watching me trot down the hall to wiggle into one of the suits.
Oh man, it's the screaming room, isn't it?
“What? Some of us aren’t immortal.”
. . . yet.
Actually, it looked as if the entire lab had been made of wax and then heated just enough to distort but not not enough to melt completely. Everything around me seemed fused into one solid surface.
Nice simile, but I'm guessing there will be more soon.
“Uggh… what is this stuff?” Rampage asked as she looked at her hooves. “Blackjack. Let’s get out of here. This place is way too messed up for me.”
And that's saying something.
The entire room had been liquefied. In the center was a sort of pedestal. It rose like an organic growth in the center of the room, holding the only solid object in sight. A deformed metal arm dangled above it like a skeletal appendage.
Getting eerier.
I turned to look at the pony; she wasn’t leaning against the wall. She was a part of the wall.
And she was staring right at me.
She opened her mouth and began to scream.
And the rest of the lab joined her.
And we get there. Great place to end the chapter.
- Chapter Thirty One Overall Thoughts:
- Lots going on, but no deep questions until the end.
To start, yes, Stronghoof has grown on me a lot, and I enjoyed his presence much more than the first time around. Now that I'm not rebelling against his inclusion as too strong of a reference, it feels like he has a comedic Midas touch. But that's not it, not entirely, because his nobility, honor, and strength get played straight, too, giving both us and Blackjack a chance to see the best of what the Steel Rangers can be and offering a striking contrast to Steel Rain. However, this is undercut somewhat by how rigid he is at the start (particularly regarding Scotch's PipBuck, as I find it easier to go along with capturing an alicorn and the guy who tried to plant explosives on him), and straight through until she made the one on one challenge and he began to see her as a kindred spirit. It helps that later he shows concern about the "kill everyone" order, but he's perhaps not as different from the "hoard all technology, and take it by force if we have to" main line of the Rangers as he might be for Blackjack to feel very good about him, other than as a contrast to the worse elements of the organization. But if you look at it from a slightly different perspective, that he wanted to do the right thing all along but needed at least some cover, which kind of works because he probably lacked authority to accept the challenge (but even there, I'm not sure it really seemed like he meant to throw the fight from the beginning), he comes off a little better.
The war was something. Very tense, and a real feeling of threat. Scotch's reaction to the Rangers was a high point, and Blackjack had two really great moments, in her snapping and trying to bring all the fire in the battlefield upon herself so that everyone else wasn't firing on each other, and the thing with Brass, and how she was so happy to have a pure, true monster to fight.
It's nice to have Rampage back, and having it start with a hard edge (not as scary as in sixty two part one, but still there) and the answer about Scotch helped, but it still seems pretty capricious. But that happens a lot with her.
The better stuff with her was about the ponies (and zebra) inside her: the interaction of Shujaa and Twist upon seeing the picture of them especially brought out the weirdness, but Doctor Octopus is surprisingly welcome and enjoyable for such a relatively plain character. I guess it's because he seems so in control, which is different from almost everyone in the story.
And we end with the start of the Screaming Room at Hoofington Laboratories. Creepy already, I believe the worst is yet to come.
- Chapter Thirty One Editing:
- Editing not in 31: 15, 21, 22, 24, 26, 27, 30, 38, 39, 44, 46, 47, 49, 52, 53, 54, 58, 59
fire house (4)/firehouse (8): Chapters 30, 31
30: Keeper, as he called himself, had picked us off the street and hauled us to the fire house as the manticores wheeled around where we’d disappeared a mile or so to the east.
30: That meant sitting around in the fire house.
Right now, we could only get as far as the fire house.
31: Scotch had gotten over her shock at the tank and was now telling Rampage about an odd filly she’d met in the fire house who had saved her from Steel Rain’s Rangers.
31: We were located at the crossroads of two major streets, with the firehouse occupying one corner.
31: One of the Burners was charging me as Lacunae teleported Glory onto the roof of the firehouse behind us.
31:In unison, we backed out of the firehouse into the chaos of the street battle as I kept it levitated right in the middle.
31: I looked towards the firehouse.
31: “I… don’t know.” I admitted, looking towards the firehouse.
31: The firehouse exploded.
31: Its treads started to grind through the firehouse rubble as it moved towards us.
31: The bomb buried in the remains of the firehouse ripped up directly underneath the rear corner of the tank.
Hearth's Warming (5)/Hearths Warming (5): Chapters 31, 39, 44, 46, 49, 53, 54, 58, 59
31: But I won’t deny that, when I heard about the fighting, it felt as though Hearths Warming Day had come and I’d been a very good buck.
31: I could just see him in a Hearths Warming Eve pageant; he’d make a wonderful secretary to my chancellor.
39: When you fired that weapon, systems from Trottingham to Fillydelphia to Hoofington lit up like a Hearths Warming log.
44: We’re taught the pageant of Hearths Warming Eve, but what of the countries that we came from?
46: But we totally know who assigns our Hearths Warming Eve bonuses, and you just don’t go behind Quartz’s back.
49: Back in the ICU, the ghoul, Carol, was listening to Hearth’s Warming Eve carols on her terminal with the volume cranked up.
53: You could almost imagine that it was a calm Hearth’s Warming Eve day.
54: Lancer smiled like it was Hearth’s Warming Eve.
58: Like a foal with a Hearth’s Warming Eve present, parts of her wanted to wait till the book was taken care of, but others wanted to devour every thought from her perilous enemy.
59: We might get treated to a canned Hearth’s Warming Eve broadcast.
hollow point (2)/hollowpoint (4)
Chapters 21, 24, 26, 27, 31:
21: One shot fired, passing under her ear; the hollowpoint tearing off half her face as it exited.
24: As quickly as I could, I swapped the explosive rounds for buckshot and loaded a magazine of hollowpoints into the rifle.
24: Three rounds to the head… and I bucked my dumb ass brain for forgetting I had hollowpoints loaded.
26: I sighed as I lined up the gun, jumped to S.A.T.S. and shot her with three hollow points.
(This one also needs a serial comma after "S.A.T.S.")
27: Another twelve millimeter hollow point blasted out another bloody chunk.
31: I said, tears running down my cheek as I loaded a magazine of hollowpoint rounds into Vigilance.
Other: 15, 22, 38, 47, 52
15: I focused on any crate marked “BOOM”, guessing the fireworks were my best bet.
These should, I think, be single quotation marks.
22: What were “Stable 2 Special Protocols”? And why was General Borealis’s “Search timeout” marked “Pending” while the others were “Denied”?
These should, I think, be single quotation marks.
38: I didn’t see anything marked ‘Chimera’ or ‘Control,’
comma to outside quotation marks for "Control".
47: “For the Glory of Equestriiiiiiiizzzzk-“
Second hyphen for dash.
52{She trailed off as she stared at Glory. “Who...how...”
Spase needed after first ellipsis.
“Those spark bombs should jam its E.F.S for a little bit.”
Dot for S in E.F.S.
can put me back together ...make me a pony again.”
No space before ellipsis, one after.}
It is has sort of proximity sensor and will detonate itself and the other collars if I move too far away.
Either the "is" or the "has" shouldn't be there (probably "is"), and the sentence is missing an article. Something like "It has a sort of . . . " Also, there's only one space after the quotation.
I lasted five seconds before my eye began to glaze…which would be bad,
Space needed after ellipsis.
That helped me refocus myself.
This paragraph is double indented.
I could live for that. “Chat with the
Three spaces after the period.
he lunged in with lightning fast stomps, kicks and thrusts of those piston
Serial comma needed after "kicks."
out whatever he used to see… but he ducked his head and the
Should have only one space after the ellipsis.
P-21 is almost done with our bonds.” Lacunae said;
Period should be comma, quotation should be followed by only one space.
not to win..
Ellipsis needs third dot. Unless that was meant to be a period.
Scotch, stay back. Rampage--” Crap.
Should have second space after quotation.
Another of keeper’s healing potions
"Keeper" should be capitalized.
“P-21, we need that bomb!” I yelled as Glory, Turnip,
I think there should only be one space after this quotation.
street at the advancing mares. He’d finished with one col
Only one space after the period.
I took two steps to react from the sudden stab of pain, then one second to lift it up…
This sentence seems really awkward to me. Should "to react" be removed?
It’s just… It’s just stupid.
Either second space after ellipsis, or no capitalization of second "it's."
And on fire station’s roof, she stood
"the fire station's"
forcing the fillies back into cover.
"Fillies" should be capitalized.
and who knew when... or if-- she’d recover?
The punctuation marks on either side of "or if" should match. If using dashes, symmetrical spacing around them.
on his back. He’d turned the
of red advancing. I knew there
Only one space after the period.
“THAT WON’T BE NECESSARY!” From outside boomed a buck’s voice fit to make my teeth rattle.
The part after the quotation is describing the quotations delivery, right? If so, I'd suggest rearranging the sentenct to "a buck's voice boomed from outside, fit to make my teeth rattle," with only one space after the quotation and "a" not capitalized.
and in walked a buck who could have been Deus’ power-armored twin;
"Deus's"
impact with a force of five kilomacs.” He looked
Only one space after period.
they also possessed a knowledge of how to fight well; with devotion, focus and discipline.
Maybe that semicolon should be a colon, dash, or comma.
two shells had blasted. I stared through
Only one space after period.
worried blue pony buck. His lips were moving
Three spaces after period.
His lips were moving but, only funny little honking sounds came out of his mouth.
Comma shouldn't be there.
like blood. “West...
Only one space after the period.
“Damn it… Stop.
Second space after ellipsis, or don't capitalize "Stop."
“We need to find Scotch, Blackjack,” P-21 said. But I didn’t quite hear what he’d said.
I don't think the second sentence really works with actually including what P-21 said. As is, it seems like maybe she heard what he said, but it didn't quite sink in, or maybe she just got the gist of it, that it was something about finding Scotch, but not the exact words.
Stop killing each other!” I screamed from the
I think there should be only one space after this quotation.
a fight so massive and all-engulfing that nopony… not Security, not Marauders, not Ministry Mares, not even Princesses could stop it.
Should there be an ellipsis after "Princesses," to match the one before the list?
I loaded a drum of flechettes and, laying on my side, pumped four blasts into the
I think that this should be "lying on my side
I brought out Taurus’ rifle, but, fast as it was,
"Taurus's"
Apparently the Rangers are stomping some Stable outside Ponyville.
I don't think "Stable" should be capitalized.
It’s amazing.” Rampage said with a grin,
Should be comma, not period.
by over me. The mare’s
Only one space after the period.
Then she dug in her claws into the asphalt as she slid to face me.
I think that the "in" should be cut out: "Then she dug her claws into the asphalt . . . "
“That’s right!” She said with a chuckle, snapping her tail.
"She" shouldn't be capitalized.
“Ow.” She muttered with
“I… don’t know.” I admitted, looking towards
Period should be comma, "she" not capitalized.
“Who cares?” the orange and red mare drawled.
. . .
she said as she turned towards the regenerated yellow and orange mare.
Is she all three?
Glory asked, her red beams peppering the annoyed looking Manticore;
"Manticore" shouldn't be capitalized.
P-21 had arrived with Scotch in tow. He
Only one space after the period.
understand now, Blackjack? Do you
Only one space after the question mark.
“Oooo…. That is one big can.”
Only three dots to ellipsis, should have second space after ellipsis.
Not remembering sucks. Shit…
Three spaces after the period.
“Hey, I want to stay with Rampage!” The filly protested as he shoved her towards the stairs.
I think that there should be only one space after the quotation, and "the" not capitalized.
Now move.” P-21 said firmly as he sh
Period should be comma.
This…this is me!
Space needed after ellipsis.
picture and hugged herself. “But why?
Only one space after period.
but since you are... Sorry. ”
There's a space between the period and the quotation mark.
I thought that Big Daddy liked a good stomp.” Glory asked with a small frown.
It takes a lot for Rangers to break ranks.” Rampage agreed.
Period should be comma (both), should have only one space after quotation (first one only).
And this is the Celestia.
"Celestia" should be italicized.
she drew another circle, this one made of a
"She" should be capitalized.
Wouldn’t be fun otherwise.” I said with
Period should be comma.
I have been forsaken. I can hear the
Three spaces after the period.
In the middle of this band was a parking lot, a foundation, and a sign proudly proclaiming ‘Horizon Laboratories’.
Should that be "were a"?
(from earlier) All my EFS confirmed was that there was still a lot of red bars out there.
I think that should be "there were a lot"
Beneath that, ‘Proud Subsidiary of the Ministry of Arcane Science.’
Period to outside of quotation marks.
and hung my head. “You know
Only one space after period.
‘Horizon Station.’
I think that the period should be outside the quotation marks, at least based on the PipBoys in Fallout 2.
“I…” I looked at P-21 helplessly.
I think there should be a second space after the quotation.
no glasses… My word.
Second space after ellipsis, or don't capitalize "my."
“I wonder… did my grandfoals… what became of them?” She asked with a look of terrible worry.
Should this have only one space after the quotation, and no capitalization of "she"?
“No my dear.
Comma after "no."
Actually, we talked to somepony who was…. Well
Should have only three dots in ellipsis, and second space after it.
However, there were some ghouls shuffling around aimlessly. I was glad that the doctor was gone; I’d hate to have to explain all this to him. It was surprising how casually we dispatched them; after a battle like earlier, it seemed almost foolishly easy.
Should there be something in there about the ghouls attacking, before they kill them?
this place was involved with the O.I.A.” I said as we stepped off
Should have only one space after quotation.
“And good thing too.”
Comma after "thing"?
“The password is ‘Trottenheimer.”
Closing single quotation mark needed before period.
a place marked ‘Biomagical Contamination, Quarantined’.” P-21 muttered
Period in quotation should be comma.
Chewed on? It crackled as I
There is only one space after the question mark.
place is unhealthy for me?” I asked with a small smile.
Should probably only have one space after quotation.
“ Kkkkzzzz… real mess here.
Space between quotation mark and static.
First honest lab in Hoofington, I swear… Fzzzk…”
I'm not really sure how to deal with static, but I think you'd want a second space after the first ellipsis if you're capitalizing the start.
“….Celestia… what the hell happened here?
First ellipsis should have only three dots.
much in the way of soot. “Dzzzzt…. No fucking
Only one space after period, ellipsis should have only three dots, and should have second space after it if "no" is capitalized.
What the fuck happened to them all… Buttercup? Pickets? Hey, where are you guys?”
Should there be a second space following the question mark after "Buttercup"?
leaving Rampage to scrape the goo on the floor off of her hooves.
Should that be "goo from the floor"?
Icy Shake- Alicorn
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Meleagridis Mon Nov 18, 2013 1:02 am
Have I said Boo is Coyotl yet? I can't remember if someone debunked that already or not, so I'm sticking with this right now. White one's a whitewashed washing machine.
Racewind:
I wrote a thing about Racewind after hearing one line of dialogue from him a few chapters ago, so it's not too surprising a statement to say that I Like Racewind. It is impressive how much of a character can be expressed with so little of that character. We already knew everything we needed to know about Racewind before we even got a glimpse of his magnificent beard. How did we know about this character from that single, solitary line of dialogue? Because it wasn’t a single line of dialogue. The information relevant to Racewind was passed out through Blackjack’s entire conversation with the general (I haven’t been following the capitalization rules very closely, I apologize if I butcher them). We came to know that the general is smart, fair, honest and straightforward. She isn’t a fool with Blackjack in either direction. She is loyal not just to the Enclave, but the right parts of the Enclave. And when she calls up an as-of-yet unmentioned character, giving us only the knowledge that he is an officer under her but above most crew, she gives him an unusual order to stop the progress of fellow captains through the ship by any creative means necessary. And his reply is snappy, efficient, and even a little funny. Through that interaction we now know that this captain trusts the general completely and operates on much the same level as her. He is level headed and quick to respond with an affirmative, not a request for clarification or sputtering confusion. And we also know that he is skilled at frustrating fellow captains. Notice he had a plan less than a second after being asked? He’s either done it before, or he’s thought about it at least once. If you worked with those other three, wouldn’t you?
I guess I’m just saying that it is impressive how much a character can be characterized with so little input from them. I’m also saying this to anyone who might be critical of Racewind’s ‘sudden’ appearance and subsequent self sacrifice. He may not have been around as long as some of the side characters, but I will smack anyone who says he hasn’t been around as long as the general, or says that he has no character. Through the general, the crew’s fixation on his corpse (nice touch, by the way) and his own magnificent beard- the likes of which snot-nosed upstart captains can only dream of rivaling -we saw enough of Racewind to know that his sacrifice was well within character and a genuine loss.
- Brief observations:
- First off, that particularly gory fight scene. This one was spectacularly... revealing. Intentionally, I imagine, to show that these augmented soldiers can, like Blackjack, absorb ungodly punishment before being neutralised. So they are being opened up, faces shattered, guts peeled back, all in all getting a nasty montage of "BJ's Greatest Hits (Taken by BJ)." So what I can't help but wonder is why nobody seems phased. I know they're all supposed to be military and all, but that really just doesn't seem like it would cut it next to the rampant disembowelment going on here. Old hat for BJ and Rampage, but I can't see why even these cyber soldiers would be used to such vivid gore. Time is dedicated to showing that they are at least superficially free willed- they shout patriotisms and battle cries and do everything we are shown and told the Coyotl do not. Because of this, I honestly expected that one of the soldiers would go into shock, muttering something about his heart not reflecting the horror he felt.
“You’re just not trying hard enough,” Rampage countered. “If I wanted to, I could take it out. It might take a couple centuries of kicking, but I could do it.”
Wherewithal: "You heard her! Load the earth pony into the forward cannons!"
(swicked: did you just make the name up, or do all of them have names?)
Rampage was great this chapter. Reminds me that we haven't really seen her in a while, and it was great to touch a little bit on several things that make her interesting. Not just funny, not just issues, but also the personality that runs alongside. Also, I missed Doc Oc, and I'm interested at his development as internal therapist.
And, finally, Whorefirst. ...I am waiting for the why. In this chapter, Lighthooves almost cartoonish villainy has been justified by Doc Oc. True or not, he has been properly humanized in a way that is simple to understand right now. As several hints thus far have suggested, he's Blackjack. Trying to do the right thing and find proper punishment along the way. He becomes real. In return, Whorefist shows an eagerness to slaughter civilians for the sake of slaughtering civilians, along with a little bio-terrorism and mutiny thrown in. The disobeying orders and trying to secure the missiles I can see, but this grinning, moustache-twirling need to blow people up is too out there to accept. I do not yet reject it... when we learned a little more about Brass it became apparent that she was, in fact, just a raging psychopath and it was easy to accept. With some more screentime for Whorefist, Smokey, and The 'Stache, I'm sure their villainy will seem more... organic.
Racewind:
I wrote a thing about Racewind after hearing one line of dialogue from him a few chapters ago, so it's not too surprising a statement to say that I Like Racewind. It is impressive how much of a character can be expressed with so little of that character. We already knew everything we needed to know about Racewind before we even got a glimpse of his magnificent beard. How did we know about this character from that single, solitary line of dialogue? Because it wasn’t a single line of dialogue. The information relevant to Racewind was passed out through Blackjack’s entire conversation with the general (I haven’t been following the capitalization rules very closely, I apologize if I butcher them). We came to know that the general is smart, fair, honest and straightforward. She isn’t a fool with Blackjack in either direction. She is loyal not just to the Enclave, but the right parts of the Enclave. And when she calls up an as-of-yet unmentioned character, giving us only the knowledge that he is an officer under her but above most crew, she gives him an unusual order to stop the progress of fellow captains through the ship by any creative means necessary. And his reply is snappy, efficient, and even a little funny. Through that interaction we now know that this captain trusts the general completely and operates on much the same level as her. He is level headed and quick to respond with an affirmative, not a request for clarification or sputtering confusion. And we also know that he is skilled at frustrating fellow captains. Notice he had a plan less than a second after being asked? He’s either done it before, or he’s thought about it at least once. If you worked with those other three, wouldn’t you?
I guess I’m just saying that it is impressive how much a character can be characterized with so little input from them. I’m also saying this to anyone who might be critical of Racewind’s ‘sudden’ appearance and subsequent self sacrifice. He may not have been around as long as some of the side characters, but I will smack anyone who says he hasn’t been around as long as the general, or says that he has no character. Through the general, the crew’s fixation on his corpse (nice touch, by the way) and his own magnificent beard- the likes of which snot-nosed upstart captains can only dream of rivaling -we saw enough of Racewind to know that his sacrifice was well within character and a genuine loss.
Meleagridis- Ursa Major
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Nov 18, 2013 1:35 am
Ah, thank you very much as always.Icy Shake wrote:Thank you, that was very informative.SilentCarto wrote:Grammar!
And, well, that's what I get for eliding the distinction between titles and styles. I'm still not entirely sold either way on "pope," though, since it's a borrowed word contraction of the style "Holy Father," but on balance I guess I'd go without capitalization when "the" is involved, which is most of the time. Oh, and I can't believe I keep forgetting that they dropped "Patriarch of the West" last decade. I rather liked that one.It's okay, Somber. We forgive you. At this point, I'm pretty sure you lost everyone you were going to lose due to length, anyway; we who remain are with you for the long haul.Somber wrote:I'm 10p in to part b. I thought it's only be 25-30p... but I thought the same thing about the entire chapter...
::Failwriter fails.::
Oh, and I'm calling it now: we're not done with the Enclave until the high sixties, and the story as a whole breaks the hundred chapter and two million word marks. Okay, none of those is likely to happen, but a guy can dream, right?
- Chapter Thirty One Running Thoughts:
Amongst her weapons are . . . (/Spanish Inquisition)
If I could mark him, then I could beat him.
If I could beat him, then I could kill him.
Last chapter, we saw evidence the starmetal may be able to subtly warp physics to kill; here may be one of the early indicators that it makes people want to kill.
Then the street exploded. Thank Celestia the street exploded! This was just the right time for an explosion!
One of many wonderful catch-all responses she employs.
The blast tossed me aside, but Paladin Stronghoof calmly looked in the direction of the smoking crater and beyond where two dozen ponies dressed all in spiked, red-painted metal armor were charging.
Paladin Stronghoof is so cool, he can look at explosions.
Any ponies that would use sick raiders as living weapons weren’t my allies.
Says the pony who once used one as a torture device.
Okay, I felt my stomach clench as two flaming ponies thrashed wildly, taking way too long to die. I really did not like fire. That was an ugly way to go; give me a bullet any day.
You know what's one of the great things about this? How Blackjack doesn't immediately start to, and then continue habitually to, kill people with flame-based weaponry.
I saw an opening as clear as day, though, and my sword turned faster than I’d ever wielded it before. The tip slipped through his spiked armor to his throat, and I felt a supreme sense of satisfaction as I sliced his artery.
I think I had originally missed that, in addition to making you want to kill people, the sword actually works better when you are trying to kill rather than incapacitate.
I just stared at the fuzzy image of a raider getting smashed by the bouncing debris. “You threw that fight!” I shouted at him.
No. Fucking. Shit. Real quick on the uptake, there, Blackjack.
“The Goddess is quite keen to put this rabble in their place! After dealing with that… that mare… well…” Her eyes flashed and her voice boomed. “THE GODDESS FINDS THIS VERY THERAPEUTIC!”
Way to stick to your story, lady.
Two crimson bolts slammed into my chest, and my heart stopped as I fell back besides the fallen alicorn.
. . .
“How…” I murmured weakly.
Not doing too shabbily for someone in cardiac arrest.
It was weird to feel spinning as he held my head still in his hooves and pressed his lips towards mine.
Oh, yes. This would be a nice way to go… I puckered up for him…
Oh, Blackjack. Concussions don't make you any smarter, do they?
Everything had gotten lost. “Stop it!” I shouted as I tried to fight my way out of the hole on my broken braces. I could barely stand, let alone walk, but I had to end this. I had to end this right the fuck now. “Stop! Stop killing each other!” I screamed from the lip of the hole as I began firing, ignoring my friends around me. “Stop it! Stop it!” I didn’t know who I was attacking any more. With the smoke and the flame and beams I didn’t care. If it was red, I shot it. Shoot me, not each other. Shoot a pony who’s dead meat anyway! Just fucking stop! I was shooting and crying and screaming as I whirled from one to the next to the next. Bullets bit into my blasted barding; it wasn’t going to last much longer at this rate, not without some serious repair. That was okay, though. If ponies were shooting me, then they weren’t shooting each other.
I love this passage, and how it paints Blackjack as a hopeless character, pathetically in over her head and lashing out in the only way she knows how, despite the fact there's no chance that doing so could stop everyone else shooting each other for more than a few moments.
Then I looked at the shotgun and hesitated. I’d almost blown my friend’s head off. Would I be safe with it? Would they be safe if I had it? As if reading my mind, he scooped up the weapon and pressed it to my chest. “Take it. Just stay with it, okay, Blackjack? If you lose yourself, we’re all lost.”
I like the parallel to P-21's own refusal to carry a gun.
I looked at her and then pointed a hoof. “So… you were a soldier, volunteered to become this, and couldn’t be happier?”
. . .
I love this part. I really do.
Ah, more with Rampage being Shujaa, and also Twist.
I look at the pictures, and part of me says ‘that’s me’, and other parts say ‘no, it’s somepony else’ and they’re fighting with each other. And part of me loves what I see… a part of me hates what I see… and… it’s just wrong. I want to apologize to myself… and kill myself… and cut out my heart… and… ugh… just crazy!
Good description, this.
Tick tock tick. As we set off, I imagined the taint battling with my cells, slowly advancing and encroaching on healthy tissue. Building up bases and fortifying tumors. Staging raids and assaults on my intact organs till it completely controlled the territory of my body. I could swear I felt little explosions inside when I moved wrong. Twinges like gunfire. A general burning in my rear leg like flamers at work. And, every now and then, I imagined a bomb inside me going off that would make me pause and gasp.
This, too. It makes sense that she'd imagine things this way.
But that’s part of it too. The companions come out east and just happen to weed out all the dozens of little tribes so that they could get five competing organizations? And one of the companions goes up to the Enclave to get them involved too through the VC? I can’t believe it’s all coincidence.
. . . Aliens.
Okay, it's true this time, but I do wonder if Blackjack would be a conspiracy theorist anyway.
“That’s a great concern. But as you have pointed out… two centuries of Wasteland has accomplished little.” Two centuries of Watcher and the Enclave hasn’t accomplished much either, I thought.
I thought that she didn't hold that against Watcher.
“I have faith that she’ll one day return to me. I’ve lost Goddesses before…”
Ooh. Psalm foreshadowing.
I looked at her and thought that outright deception was called for. “Absolutely not.”
Come on. She's not the world's most boring pony to you.
Changing too much. Too much pride and too much anger… but nopony was interested in the opinions of a buck who fondly remembered steam trains.
Did they go to diesel? Maybe magic-powered/spark battery? Because I thought the issue was coal, after all.
“Blackjack?” Rampage asked softly.
“Hmmm?”
“Do you think I’m real?”
So let's see, we have this with Rampage and Lacunae, and Glory was worried, I think, that she was slowly becoming Rainbow Dash. That's a lot of "Do I exist?" going on.
I don’t know if you’re crazy or possessed or what… but you annoy me, so you must be real.
Great line from P-21. Very Cartesian.
A number of posters of Applejack and Twilight Sparkle could be found, along with pithy motivational posters.
I recently learned a game to play with motivational posters: append "So jump off that building, you're the goddamn Batman!" to the end.
For example, "Achievement: It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. So jump off that building, you're the goddamn Batman!" or "Persistence: Challenges are what make life interesting; overcoming them is what makes life meaningful. So jump off that building, you're the goddamn Batman!"
Try it sometime!
“I really don’t need to hear this from a mare who ran away and left us to go join her marauding friends. You deal with your shit your way. I’ll deal with my shit in my own way.” He started limping towards the exit.
Wow. Savage response. Go P-21. Also, I don't recall his leg being injured in this chapter, but I could be wrong about that. Given the context, and how pissy he is, I suspect this is more reacton to Med-X withdrawal.
“Yeah,” I replied, looking ahead. Then I turned around abruptly. “Be right back.” Rampage sat down, watching me trot down the hall to wiggle into one of the suits.
Oh man, it's the screaming room, isn't it?
“What? Some of us aren’t immortal.”
. . . yet.
Actually, it looked as if the entire lab had been made of wax and then heated just enough to distort but not not enough to melt completely. Everything around me seemed fused into one solid surface.
Nice simile, but I'm guessing there will be more soon.
“Uggh… what is this stuff?” Rampage asked as she looked at her hooves. “Blackjack. Let’s get out of here. This place is way too messed up for me.”
And that's saying something.
The entire room had been liquefied. In the center was a sort of pedestal. It rose like an organic growth in the center of the room, holding the only solid object in sight. A deformed metal arm dangled above it like a skeletal appendage.
Getting eerier.
I turned to look at the pony; she wasn’t leaning against the wall. She was a part of the wall.
And she was staring right at me.
She opened her mouth and began to scream.
And the rest of the lab joined her.
And we get there. Great place to end the chapter.
- Chapter Thirty One Overall Thoughts:
To start, yes, Stronghoof has grown on me a lot, and I enjoyed his presence much more than the first time around. Now that I'm not rebelling against his inclusion as too strong of a reference, it feels like he has a comedic Midas touch. But that's not it, not entirely, because his nobility, honor, and strength get played straight, too, giving both us and Blackjack a chance to see the best of what the Steel Rangers can be and offering a striking contrast to Steel Rain. However, this is undercut somewhat by how rigid he is at the start (particularly regarding Scotch's PipBuck, as I find it easier to go along with capturing an alicorn and the guy who tried to plant explosives on him), and straight through until she made the one on one challenge and he began to see her as a kindred spirit. It helps that later he shows concern about the "kill everyone" order, but he's perhaps not as different from the "hoard all technology, and take it by force if we have to" main line of the Rangers as he might be for Blackjack to feel very good about him, other than as a contrast to the worse elements of the organization. But if you look at it from a slightly different perspective, that he wanted to do the right thing all along but needed at least some cover, which kind of works because he probably lacked authority to accept the challenge (but even there, I'm not sure it really seemed like he meant to throw the fight from the beginning), he comes off a little better.
The war was something. Very tense, and a real feeling of threat. Scotch's reaction to the Rangers was a high point, and Blackjack had two really great moments, in her snapping and trying to bring all the fire in the battlefield upon herself so that everyone else wasn't firing on each other, and the thing with Brass, and how she was so happy to have a pure, true monster to fight.
It's nice to have Rampage back, and having it start with a hard edge (not as scary as in sixty two part one, but still there) and the answer about Scotch helped, but it still seems pretty capricious. But that happens a lot with her.
The better stuff with her was about the ponies (and zebra) inside her: the interaction of Shujaa and Twist upon seeing the picture of them especially brought out the weirdness, but Doctor Octopus is surprisingly welcome and enjoyable for such a relatively plain character. I guess it's because he seems so in control, which is different from almost everyone in the story.
And we end with the start of the Screaming Room at Hoofington Laboratories. Creepy already, I believe the worst is yet to come.
- Chapter Thirty One Editing:
fire house (4)/firehouse (8): Chapters 30, 31
30: Keeper, as he called himself, had picked us off the street and hauled us to the fire house as the manticores wheeled around where we’d disappeared a mile or so to the east.
30: That meant sitting around in the fire house.
Right now, we could only get as far as the fire house.
31: Scotch had gotten over her shock at the tank and was now telling Rampage about an odd filly she’d met in the fire house who had saved her from Steel Rain’s Rangers.
31: We were located at the crossroads of two major streets, with the firehouse occupying one corner.
31: One of the Burners was charging me as Lacunae teleported Glory onto the roof of the firehouse behind us.
31:In unison, we backed out of the firehouse into the chaos of the street battle as I kept it levitated right in the middle.
31: I looked towards the firehouse.
31: “I… don’t know.” I admitted, looking towards the firehouse.
31: The firehouse exploded.
31: Its treads started to grind through the firehouse rubble as it moved towards us.
31: The bomb buried in the remains of the firehouse ripped up directly underneath the rear corner of the tank.
Hearth's Warming (5)/Hearths Warming (5): Chapters 31, 39, 44, 46, 49, 53, 54, 58, 59
31: But I won’t deny that, when I heard about the fighting, it felt as though Hearths Warming Day had come and I’d been a very good buck.
31: I could just see him in a Hearths Warming Eve pageant; he’d make a wonderful secretary to my chancellor.
39: When you fired that weapon, systems from Trottingham to Fillydelphia to Hoofington lit up like a Hearths Warming log.
44: We’re taught the pageant of Hearths Warming Eve, but what of the countries that we came from?
46: But we totally know who assigns our Hearths Warming Eve bonuses, and you just don’t go behind Quartz’s back.
49: Back in the ICU, the ghoul, Carol, was listening to Hearth’s Warming Eve carols on her terminal with the volume cranked up.
53: You could almost imagine that it was a calm Hearth’s Warming Eve day.
54: Lancer smiled like it was Hearth’s Warming Eve.
58: Like a foal with a Hearth’s Warming Eve present, parts of her wanted to wait till the book was taken care of, but others wanted to devour every thought from her perilous enemy.
59: We might get treated to a canned Hearth’s Warming Eve broadcast.
hollow point (2)/hollowpoint (4)
Chapters 21, 24, 26, 27, 31:
21: One shot fired, passing under her ear; the hollowpoint tearing off half her face as it exited.
24: As quickly as I could, I swapped the explosive rounds for buckshot and loaded a magazine of hollowpoints into the rifle.
24: Three rounds to the head… and I bucked my dumb ass brain for forgetting I had hollowpoints loaded.
26: I sighed as I lined up the gun, jumped to S.A.T.S. and shot her with three hollow points.
(This one also needs a serial comma after "S.A.T.S.")
27: Another twelve millimeter hollow point blasted out another bloody chunk.
31: I said, tears running down my cheek as I loaded a magazine of hollowpoint rounds into Vigilance.
Other: 15, 22, 38, 47, 52
15: I focused on any crate marked “BOOM”, guessing the fireworks were my best bet.
These should, I think, be single quotation marks.
22: What were “Stable 2 Special Protocols”? And why was General Borealis’s “Search timeout” marked “Pending” while the others were “Denied”?
These should, I think, be single quotation marks.
38: I didn’t see anything marked ‘Chimera’ or ‘Control,’
comma to outside quotation marks for "Control".
47: “For the Glory of Equestriiiiiiiizzzzk-“
Second hyphen for dash.
52{She trailed off as she stared at Glory. “Who...how...”
Spase needed after first ellipsis.
“Those spark bombs should jam its E.F.S for a little bit.”
Dot for S in E.F.S.
can put me back together ...make me a pony again.”
No space before ellipsis, one after.}
It is has sort of proximity sensor and will detonate itself and the other collars if I move too far away.
Either the "is" or the "has" shouldn't be there (probably "is"), and the sentence is missing an article. Something like "It has a sort of . . . " Also, there's only one space after the quotation.
I lasted five seconds before my eye began to glaze…which would be bad,
Space needed after ellipsis.
That helped me refocus myself.
This paragraph is double indented.
I could live for that. “Chat with the
Three spaces after the period.
he lunged in with lightning fast stomps, kicks and thrusts of those piston
Serial comma needed after "kicks."
out whatever he used to see… but he ducked his head and the
Should have only one space after the ellipsis.
P-21 is almost done with our bonds.” Lacunae said;
Period should be comma, quotation should be followed by only one space.
not to win..
Ellipsis needs third dot. Unless that was meant to be a period.
Scotch, stay back. Rampage--” Crap.
Should have second space after quotation.
Another of keeper’s healing potions
"Keeper" should be capitalized.
“P-21, we need that bomb!” I yelled as Glory, Turnip,
I think there should only be one space after this quotation.
street at the advancing mares. He’d finished with one col
Only one space after the period.
I took two steps to react from the sudden stab of pain, then one second to lift it up…
This sentence seems really awkward to me. Should "to react" be removed?
It’s just… It’s just stupid.
Either second space after ellipsis, or no capitalization of second "it's."
And on fire station’s roof, she stood
"the fire station's"
forcing the fillies back into cover.
"Fillies" should be capitalized.
and who knew when... or if-- she’d recover?
The punctuation marks on either side of "or if" should match. If using dashes, symmetrical spacing around them.
on his back. He’d turned the
of red advancing. I knew there
Only one space after the period.
“THAT WON’T BE NECESSARY!” From outside boomed a buck’s voice fit to make my teeth rattle.
The part after the quotation is describing the quotations delivery, right? If so, I'd suggest rearranging the sentenct to "a buck's voice boomed from outside, fit to make my teeth rattle," with only one space after the quotation and "a" not capitalized.
and in walked a buck who could have been Deus’ power-armored twin;
"Deus's"
impact with a force of five kilomacs.” He looked
Only one space after period.
they also possessed a knowledge of how to fight well; with devotion, focus and discipline.
Maybe that semicolon should be a colon, dash, or comma.
two shells had blasted. I stared through
Only one space after period.
worried blue pony buck. His lips were moving
Three spaces after period.
His lips were moving but, only funny little honking sounds came out of his mouth.
Comma shouldn't be there.
like blood. “West...
Only one space after the period.
“Damn it… Stop.
Second space after ellipsis, or don't capitalize "Stop."
“We need to find Scotch, Blackjack,” P-21 said. But I didn’t quite hear what he’d said.
I don't think the second sentence really works with actually including what P-21 said. As is, it seems like maybe she heard what he said, but it didn't quite sink in, or maybe she just got the gist of it, that it was something about finding Scotch, but not the exact words.
Stop killing each other!” I screamed from the
I think there should be only one space after this quotation.
a fight so massive and all-engulfing that nopony… not Security, not Marauders, not Ministry Mares, not even Princesses could stop it.
Should there be an ellipsis after "Princesses," to match the one before the list?
I loaded a drum of flechettes and, laying on my side, pumped four blasts into the
I think that this should be "lying on my side
I brought out Taurus’ rifle, but, fast as it was,
"Taurus's"
Apparently the Rangers are stomping some Stable outside Ponyville.
I don't think "Stable" should be capitalized.
It’s amazing.” Rampage said with a grin,
Should be comma, not period.
by over me. The mare’s
Only one space after the period.
Then she dug in her claws into the asphalt as she slid to face me.
I think that the "in" should be cut out: "Then she dug her claws into the asphalt . . . "
“That’s right!” She said with a chuckle, snapping her tail.
"She" shouldn't be capitalized.
“Ow.” She muttered with
“I… don’t know.” I admitted, looking towards
Period should be comma, "she" not capitalized.
“Who cares?” the orange and red mare drawled.
. . .
she said as she turned towards the regenerated yellow and orange mare.
Is she all three?
Glory asked, her red beams peppering the annoyed looking Manticore;
"Manticore" shouldn't be capitalized.
P-21 had arrived with Scotch in tow. He
Only one space after the period.
understand now, Blackjack? Do you
Only one space after the question mark.
“Oooo…. That is one big can.”
Only three dots to ellipsis, should have second space after ellipsis.
Not remembering sucks. Shit…
Three spaces after the period.
“Hey, I want to stay with Rampage!” The filly protested as he shoved her towards the stairs.
I think that there should be only one space after the quotation, and "the" not capitalized.
Now move.” P-21 said firmly as he sh
Period should be comma.
This…this is me!
Space needed after ellipsis.
picture and hugged herself. “But why?
Only one space after period.
but since you are... Sorry. ”
There's a space between the period and the quotation mark.
I thought that Big Daddy liked a good stomp.” Glory asked with a small frown.
It takes a lot for Rangers to break ranks.” Rampage agreed.
Period should be comma (both), should have only one space after quotation (first one only).
And this is the Celestia.
"Celestia" should be italicized.
she drew another circle, this one made of a
"She" should be capitalized.
Wouldn’t be fun otherwise.” I said with
Period should be comma.
I have been forsaken. I can hear the
Three spaces after the period.
In the middle of this band was a parking lot, a foundation, and a sign proudly proclaiming ‘Horizon Laboratories’.
Should that be "were a"?
(from earlier) All my EFS confirmed was that there was still a lot of red bars out there.
I think that should be "there were a lot"
Beneath that, ‘Proud Subsidiary of the Ministry of Arcane Science.’
Period to outside of quotation marks.
and hung my head. “You know
Only one space after period.
‘Horizon Station.’
I think that the period should be outside the quotation marks, at least based on the PipBoys in Fallout 2.
“I…” I looked at P-21 helplessly.
I think there should be a second space after the quotation.
no glasses… My word.
Second space after ellipsis, or don't capitalize "my."
“I wonder… did my grandfoals… what became of them?” She asked with a look of terrible worry.
Should this have only one space after the quotation, and no capitalization of "she"?
“No my dear.
Comma after "no."
Actually, we talked to somepony who was…. Well
Should have only three dots in ellipsis, and second space after it.
However, there were some ghouls shuffling around aimlessly. I was glad that the doctor was gone; I’d hate to have to explain all this to him. It was surprising how casually we dispatched them; after a battle like earlier, it seemed almost foolishly easy.
Should there be something in there about the ghouls attacking, before they kill them?
this place was involved with the O.I.A.” I said as we stepped off
Should have only one space after quotation.
“And good thing too.”
Comma after "thing"?
“The password is ‘Trottenheimer.”
Closing single quotation mark needed before period.
a place marked ‘Biomagical Contamination, Quarantined’.” P-21 muttered
Period in quotation should be comma.
Chewed on? It crackled as I
There is only one space after the question mark.
place is unhealthy for me?” I asked with a small smile.
Should probably only have one space after quotation.
“ Kkkkzzzz… real mess here.
Space between quotation mark and static.
First honest lab in Hoofington, I swear… Fzzzk…”
I'm not really sure how to deal with static, but I think you'd want a second space after the first ellipsis if you're capitalizing the start.
“….Celestia… what the hell happened here?
First ellipsis should have only three dots.
much in the way of soot. “Dzzzzt…. No fucking
Only one space after period, ellipsis should have only three dots, and should have second space after it if "no" is capitalized.
What the fuck happened to them all… Buttercup? Pickets? Hey, where are you guys?”
Should there be a second space following the question mark after "Buttercup"?
leaving Rampage to scrape the goo on the floor off of her hooves.
Should that be "goo from the floor"?
This format, though… Oh dear… Again, please put things together by chapter; not doing so makes my job much harder. If this is the format that I approved before, I'm sorry; clearly I did not fully understand it. As before, if I missed anything due to the copious scrolling I had to do, I apologize.
Also, please do not place non-31 editing behind a spoiler that says "Chapter Thirty One Editing"; I had already ordered 31 to load when I opened the spoiler and saw the long long list of other chapters to get to first.
Oh, and this format also didn't have a clear divider between the majority of the actual 31 corrections ("the majority" because there were 31 corrections mixed in with the earlier-chapter corrections…).
Oh, and now that I'm getting into actually making the corrections, you've also listed chapters that don't necessarily need corrections; 21, for instance, only needs a correction if "hollowpoint" needs a correction. I'm not sure how to handle such mutually-exclusive corrections, but the current system potentially, and in this case actually, results in me opening chapters for nothing.
Aaaaand then 31 kept crashing and erasing my edits, this being preventable only by waiting a minute or so, at least, each time I wanted a single press of the spacebar saved. It got better eventually, but ugh.
:DIcy Shake wrote:You know what's one of the great things about this? How Blackjack doesn't immediately start to, and then continue habitually to, kill people with flame-based weaponry.
I can only definitively speak for my headcanon, but, IIRC, this is one place where it and PH fully agree. Equestria went straight from steam locomotives to electric/magic locomotives. Of course, the electricity/magic sent to the trains still had to come from somewhere, but they're not steam trains any more than the earthy TGV is.Icy Shake wrote:Did they go to diesel? Maybe magic-powered/spark battery? Because I thought the issue was coal, after all.
This has also reminded me… Stronghoof doesn't know about Lacunae yet, does he?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Nov 18, 2013 1:44 am
I imagine that Lighthooves prepared them for it. He knows what sorts of things Blackjack can do, after all; remember, he was a firsthoof witness to Yellow River. Oh, and "not bereft of free will" does not necessarily mean "fully free-willed".Meleagridis wrote:First off, that particularly gory fight scene. This one was spectacularly... revealing. Intentionally, I imagine, to show that these augmented soldiers can, like Blackjack, absorb ungodly punishment before being neutralised. So they are being opened up, faces shattered, guts peeled back, all in all getting a nasty montage of "BJ's Greatest Hits (Taken by BJ)." So what I can't help but wonder is why nobody seems phased. I know they're all supposed to be military and all, but that really just doesn't seem like it would cut it next to the rampant disembowelment going on here. Old hat for BJ and Rampage, but I can't see why even these cyber soldiers would be used to such vivid gore. Time is dedicated to showing that they are at least superficially free willed- they shout patriotisms and battle cries and do everything we are shown and told the Coyotl do not. Because of this, I honestly expected that one of the soldiers would go into shock, muttering something about his heart not reflecting the horror he felt.
As far as I know, it boils down to "We get to slaughter those noses-in-orbit Dunderheaders and get big promotions for it? Awesome!" I am kind of curious about how much of their crews support this, though, and what's going on with the ones who don't...Meleagridis wrote:And, finally, Whorefirst. ...I am waiting for the why. In this chapter, Lighthooves almost cartoonish villainy has been justified by Doc Oc. True or not, he has been properly humanized in a way that is simple to understand right now. As several hints thus far have suggested, he's Blackjack. Trying to do the right thing and find proper punishment along the way. He becomes real. In return, Whorefist shows an eagerness to slaughter civilians for the sake of slaughtering civilians, along with a little bio-terrorism and mutiny thrown in. The disobeying orders and trying to secure the missiles I can see, but this grinning, moustache-twirling need to blow people up is too out there to accept. I do not yet reject it... when we learned a little more about Brass it became apparent that she was, in fact, just a raging psychopath and it was easy to accept. With some more screentime for Whorefist, Smokey, and The 'Stache, I'm sure their villainy will seem more... organic.
re Racewind:
Wow, I'd forgotten about his earlier appearance. Thanks for the reminder!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Mon Nov 18, 2013 9:21 am
Well, it's looking more and more unlikely that BJ's Enervation immunity is due to her cybernetics. Being a cyberpony didn't help Silver Stripe down in the Necropolis, after all, and that's why she was in that tube in the first place. And every set of cybereyes we've seen have a telltale glow, but Boo's don't. Oh, and cyberponies have to eat gems to operate their cybernetics, unless she's been plugging into wall sockets when we weren't looking.Meleagridis wrote:Have I said Boo is Coyotl yet? I can't remember if someone debunked that already or not, so I'm sticking with this right now. White one's a whitewashed washing machine.
Edit: Uh, wait. Did you mean Boo is part of the Brood of Coyotl, or that she is herself an incarnation of Coyotl, the mythological figure? Just checking for the sake of clarity.
For the record, it should be either "hollowpoint" or "hollow-point". I'd recommend the former, myself.O. Hinds wrote:21, for instance, only needs a correction if "hollowpoint" needs a correction.
Spark reactors seem to be the power source of choice in the waning days of the war, and the only ones that survived 200 years of neglect. Of course, we have exactly no information about how those work...O. Hinds wrote:Equestria went straight from steam locomotives to electric/magic locomotives. Of course, the electricity/magic sent to the trains still had to come from somewhere, but they're not steam trains any more than the earthy TGV is.
Oh, and:
(1:42 - "Doc! The red log's about to blow!")
Nope, he doesn't... I wonder how Psalm would react. Depends on what memories she's retained from Lacunae, I guess.O. Hinds wrote:This has also reminded me… Stronghoof doesn't know about Lacunae yet, does he?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scienza Mon Nov 18, 2013 10:19 am
Thinking on the Reapers and Rangers, I bet Big Daddy's just going nuts over the fact that Deus is a tank. There ain't many left of the Top Ten now that Psycho went batty.SilentCarto wrote:Nope, he doesn't... I wonder how Psalm would react. Depends on what memories she's retained from Lacunae, I guess.O. Hinds wrote:This has also reminded me… Stronghoof doesn't know about Lacunae yet, does he?
On that note, we never did see the other three members of Big Daddy's Four Horses of the Apocalypse from way back in Chapter 7. We know that Deus was one of them, and I'm guessing that Brutus was probably one, but since they're never mentioned again, we don't know.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Nov 18, 2013 1:35 pm
The former is what I corrected to, so that's good.SilentCarto wrote:For the record, it should be either "hollowpoint" or "hollow-point". I'd recommend the former, myself.
Hah, yes!Scienza wrote:Thinking on the Reapers and Rangers, I bet Big Daddy's just going nuts over the fact that Deus is a tank. There ain't many left of the Top Ten now that Psycho went batty.
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