Sister forum[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
+56
Give_me_muny
InLucidReverie
Train Dodger
Luminous Lead
Silver136
DaWarWolf
SparkyTheDiamondDog
Kippershy
Tytan
Captain Stramash
Adalbertus
TheWanderingZebra
Harmony Ltd.
Rayndalf
Ketchup
222222
thatguyvex
Exodus Hero
Meleagridis
FoolNeim
LordsServant
CD
Aonee
Downloaded Skill
Technowolf
chinman
StoneSlinger88
Vergil
Mazoku
CamoBadger
Mr. Snrub
ISuckAtNaming
Mister Nikel
Katarn
WavemasterRyx
Valikdu
OneMoreDaySK
tylertoon2
Penby
Evilgidgit
O. Hinds
Stringtheory
Admiral Stoic Rum
RoboRed
Somber
Frost
ARoundCorner
Derpmind
Caoimhe
TalixZero
Moodyman90
SilentCarto
Icy Shake
FeatherDust
cb5
Scienza
60 posters
Page 15 of 31
Page 15 of 31 • 
1 ... 9 ... 14, 15, 16 ... 23 ... 31
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Evilgidgit Sun Nov 10, 2013 9:16 am
Excellent. Nothing wrong with splitting a chapter in two. Murky Number Seven's latest chapter has done that too.O. Hinds wrote:So the new chapter/chapter half (we've not entirely decided yet, though I'd say it's probably going to be a chapter in two parts) has been coming along very nicely. We had to break a bit early today, but we expect to have it finished tomorrow (Sunday).
Evilgidgit- Earth Pony
- Posts : 169
Brohoof! : 18
Join date : 2013-06-06
Age : 33
Location : UK -
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Captain Stramash Sun Nov 10, 2013 10:14 am
Glad you guys came to a resolution about the next chapters, I certainly can't wait to read them regardless of length.
I think a lull in the storm might be a good idea as well since so much has happened so quickly in the recent chapters. It would give the characters some time for reflection on past events particularly a point made by Pinkie which Blackjack hasn't acknowledged yet(maybe a little trip to the Collegiate would clear that up), before finally setting the stakes for the final showdown.
On a side note Icy Shakes, me thinks Blackjack would not survive that particular encounter with Rampage even if she is a badass cyber pony with Wolverines healing power.
I think a lull in the storm might be a good idea as well since so much has happened so quickly in the recent chapters. It would give the characters some time for reflection on past events particularly a point made by Pinkie which Blackjack hasn't acknowledged yet(maybe a little trip to the Collegiate would clear that up), before finally setting the stakes for the final showdown.
On a side note Icy Shakes, me thinks Blackjack would not survive that particular encounter with Rampage even if she is a badass cyber pony with Wolverines healing power.
Captain Stramash- Foal
- Posts : 8
Brohoof! : 0
Join date : 2013-11-06
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Sun Nov 10, 2013 3:09 pm
I hadn't really thought about that, but you're right. I liked that too -- not to say the main characters didn't ultimately get shipped, but the way they portrayed the experience of being party to someone else's life story was more akin to being their best friend since childhood than anything romantic.Overlong Analysis Cobalt wrote:@Neural Connectivity Akin to Sex
This was something I appreciated in whatsitcalled, uh, Pacific Rim. It was so non-shippy between the two main characters, and I liked that. They were in each other's minds, hyper-intimate, but there wasn't anything sexualized about it. It was an interesting way to handle the subject.
O. Hinds wrote:So the new chapter/chapter half (we've not entirely decided yet, though I'd say it's probably going to be a chapter in two parts) has been coming along very nicely. We had to break a bit early today, but we expect to have it finished tomorrow (Sunday).
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 15 32174](https://2img.net/h/www.ar15.com/media/mediaFiles/16335/32174.JPG)
SilentCarto- Alicorn
- Posts : 1585
Brohoof! : 393
Join date : 2012-05-08
Age : 45
Location : Texas
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Derpmind Sun Nov 10, 2013 3:22 pm
Chapter 62 - Between the Wolf and the Lion, Part One [Coming Soon]
Chapter 62 - Between the Wolf and the Lion, Part Two [Coming Soon]
“I’ve learned that one of the joys of friendship is sharing your blessings, but when there’s not enough blessings to go around, having more than your friends, can make your feel pretty awful. So, though I appreciate the invitation, I will be returning both tickets to The Grand Galloping Gala.”
Derpmind- Mindmaster Extraordinaire
- Posts : 947
Brohoof! : 166
Join date : 2012-05-09
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Sun Nov 10, 2013 6:52 pm
@Foolneim I think it's best I just drop it there. I have quite a few things to say about him... None of which are positive. And I've learned the hard way that I'm very bad expressing what I'm trying to say.
Last edited by Last on Sun Nov 10, 2013 6:59 pm; edited 1 time in total
Guest- Guest
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Caoimhe Sun Nov 10, 2013 6:57 pm
Sweet the next chapters sound inspired by A Song of Ice and Fire. Can't wait for everyone to have raunchy sex and then all die.Derpmind wrote:Chapter 62 - Between the Wolf and the Lion, Part One [Coming Soon]
Chapter 62 - Between the Wolf and the Lion, Part Two [Coming Soon]
Caoimhe- Alicorn
- Posts : 1182
Brohoof! : 264
Join date : 2012-07-11
Location : Providence, RI
Character List:
Name: Comma, Splice
Sex: Female
Species: Sentence fragment
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vergil Sun Nov 10, 2013 7:10 pm
I saw this and face-desked.SilentCarto wrote:
Vergil- Mobius One
- Posts : 666
Brohoof! : 76
Join date : 2012-06-20
Age : 36
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Sun Nov 10, 2013 7:26 pm
I haven't seen Pacific Rim, so no comment on that front.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to the next (half) chapter, too. In the meantime, though, I went through chapter thirty.
Well, I'm not the one who brought it up, but I'd note that Priest ended up just fine, and there's a decent chance that the "encounter" would end up just being Rampage curling up in Blackjack's arms and crying, then begging her not to tell anyone. Blackjack's the Softest Heart in the Wasteland (TM), but I think she could handle that.Captain Stramash wrote:On a side note Icy Shakes, me thinks Blackjack would not survive that particular encounter with Rampage even if she is a badass cyber pony with Wolverines healing power.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to the next (half) chapter, too. In the meantime, though, I went through chapter thirty.
- Chapter Thirty Running Thoughts:
- Most grownup ponies never cried because they were grown up and it was silly for a grown pony to cry. “Momma…?” She must have been crying because of what I did.
I'm really liking this dream so far. And this part is kind of touching, in that though she's wrong, it's endearing that filly Blackjack is reacting so much like her older self, but it's normal coming from a small child. It's a reminder that, really, Blackjack's only started to grow up since leaving the stable.
What would Momma think of me now? Would she accept that I had no other choice in 99? That to save the stable, I had to destroy the stable? Would I even get to the everafter? I certainly didn’t deserve it.
Particularly poignant, knowing that these really are answered (and soon), yet she defers the everafter.
My brain was coming up with half-baked plots of putting her in power armor, with one of those force shield thingies, one of Rampage’s regeneration talismans, and the HMS Celestia to keep her safe. Maybe there was a ‘protection’ megaspell?
This was a really wonderful way to introduce or expand on the motivation behind Project Eternity; I like that it's coming through the parallel rather than merely a memory with Rarity or exposition.
We could just banish the two of us to the moon and be safe forever and ever.
Also, ties in with the longstanding speculation that Horizons might be a stable on the moon.
Since I didn’t have my braces or my gear, there wasn’t much for me to do but wait. He hadn’t even left me with a spoon.
A cute, funny little callback to lighten the mood.
“Northstar, actually, one of the pegasi with him. She caught me when I… I fell.” For a pegasus, falling to your death had to be high on the list of ways not to die.
Did anyone else here like Device Heretic's "Thunderstruck"? I miss his writing, and hate that people put him through so much bullshit he was driven to stop writing in the fandom, at least under that pseudonym (and, well, the other one).
I was sure that, eventually, I’d find out what he wanted them for and be all angry about it, but right now I’d have giftwrapped the talismans for him.
Sounds about right. More so than you'd ever suspect.
“Please. Nopony takes that sort of thing seriously,” Glory said with a dismissive wave of her… stump. The perfunctory gesture made Lighthooves look a bit ill before he recovered his usual level of snot.
Sometimes it's the little things that make characters and imaginary worlds feel real.
Because ponies are increasingly questioning the need for the military. Why not allocate more resources to food production? Establishing new cloud settlements?
Why would they think about new settlements, when there's already a massive oversupply of living space apart from, perhaps, the major population centers like Thunderhead and Neighvarro? As part of a reallocation of resourses to agriculture, I could see it, but as an independent goal?
“Ideally, I would have us return to the surface as a military venture. Controlled and organized to prevent as much disturbance as possible. A process backed by a new Thunderhead military after surface threats were eliminated and challenges destroyed and cowed by our superior firepower. And with Hoofington as a base of operations, we could expand slowly and deliberately across Equestria. Monsters like the alicorns and relics like the Steel Rangers would be eliminated, and eventually a New Equestria could be founded. Unicorns from Shadowbolt Tower would repopulate their race. Earth pony survivors would remain, given that they’re as tenacious as radroaches. And the Wasteland will be no more.”
Well, if it wasn't clear yet, we can safely say that, in addition to everything else indicating his moral monstrousness, he's a racist imperialist, extending far beyond his immediately apparent chauvinism.
But the goal itself, trying to prevent war? That was respectable.
Maybe, but when that's part of a larger goal of undermining another polity from the inside as a prelude to invasion of a third, which seems intended to be a genocide, well, it loses some of its respectability.
I smiled… okay, grimaced… at him. “Sometimes the unexpected is the most effective.” Ooooh, see what I did, Lighthooves? See? I used your own words against you. Point, Blackjack!
Blackjack . . . no. Just no. You come across better when you don't think you're being smart, especially when you really aren't.
A few hours ago, I’d thought she was dead. Now I was left feeling giddy that I’d just been cuffed to a bed. Maybe I should try to cool this down. Get some control. Something.
No, no I'm pretty sure that the whole issue is that you don't really like control, in large part because you don't like and don't trust yourself.
Sky Striker showed a very defined character very rapidly in the conversation with Glory and Blackjack.
“Nice to see you again too, Blackjack.” After a moment, the bot crackled again. “Woah. What happened to you? Nice eyepatch!”
Was this pre-"About Time"? Also, it's charming, if a little weird, that this is something he so easily could have (did?) say in season one or two, yet has persisted despite everything in the interim. Which is acknowledged immediately afterwards.
“Maybe. Or it’s possibly a knockoff. Or maybe somepony in the Wasteland found enough parts to make one. After all, why only make three when you can have nine at triple the price, only the six get to be kept secret for your own sinister ends?”
I love everything about this. Placing a Checkhov's gun, expanding what can be done not just in PH but expanded-universe FoE generally, a well-placed Close Encounters reference, and a swipe at Goldenblood all at once?
“But… what if she dies?” I whimpered, feeling like an absolute foal. I needed some adult to tell me it was going to be okay.
Yeah, yeah you really do, don't you?
“Then… that’s a real bad day. But you have to remember all the good parts. That knowing her is worthwhile. I miss Twilight every single day because I remember how much she meant to me. You have to do the same for Glory for as long as you can.”
Though retaining some of his quirks is cute, I really do appreciate how much of the friendship lessons he's absorbed from his friends, and that he has matured quite a bit.
You think you’re going to be able to get me to give up after I just got laid? I can take all you fuckers on!
So, is that more or less of a bonus than drunkenness or singing? Has she ever yet had the trifecta?
And just like that, I knew what it meant to be holding on to a limb. Just what had gone through her mind. What I’d do to her if I let go and allowed myself to be pulled into that watery maw. I saw her wide, terrified eyes. Her lips moving. ‘Don’t let go.’
I don’t want you to die, Glory. Just like she didn’t want me to die in Flash Industries. But she’d have a whole life before her; I only had a few months. I knew she couldn’t see me in the dark gloom. I wanted to let her know it would be all right. It would be okay. It would.
I like this moment: the desperation, the justification, the knowledge that really, no, it wouldn't be all right. And then the save.
And an old buck chuckled, “Well, damn! Don’t you two know just how to make an entrance!”
Finders Keepers!?
Contrary to what some may believe, travel by pipe, while fast, is neither comfortable nor safe.
Mario lied to me!
“Pfft. As if I’d ever sell such a piece of beauty,” I said, pining over a gun I’d only seen once. For all I knew, it kicked like an orgasming mule and jammed like a virgin on… oh Goddesses, was I feeling the itch again already?
For quite a while I've imagined that she gets some kind of bonus to (small) guns skills due to her affinity to them.
“You mean you… and me…” I sputtered, then flushed at his easy smile. “You just met me!” It was impossible. He was… he was… old! And… old! And… in very good shape for his age.
I feel better about this towards the second half; "just met" doesn't seem like it would (and, we see later, indeed does not) phase her.
Also, add another tick to the total of times she's missed that, outside Ninety Nine, monogamy is assumed.
Got out on my own, hooked up with a ghoul to start our business; I was the handsome face and she was the set of wings that got us from place to place while she was hammering out a guide to the Wasteland.
I'd forgotten that he worked with Ditzy.
“I’ve come across ammo containers I’d emptied and tossed aside now miraculously holding more ammo. Never completely full, always with just enough ammo to keep me going. I’ve picked locks on safes only to come across them locked and filled with new plunder. I’ve hacked terminals only to find the passwords changed. Found food where we’d cleaned everything out,” he grumbled as he took another pull. “I know, most folks just assume I’m mistaken. But findin’ things is my special talent.” He pointed at his flank, where a wandering dashed red line ended at an X. “I remember every place I’ve found loot. And I’m telling you, something in this place is fucking with us.”
See, this sort of thing is just plain exciting and interesting, and on top of that works as a lead-in to the Harbingers. We're gradually seeing that Hoofington as an enemy isn't figurative, but literally true.
. . . Ah, the eye tentacle penis. Yeah.
Fluttershy wore glasses as she shuffled through papers and he read reports about the Equestrian Space Program. He asked her about her forays into memory modification spells for dealing with emotional traumas. She asked him what names he was thinking of for the baby.
Setting up a red herring with Fluttershy as the mother of the foal Marigold carried? But it seems like the timing might be off. In any case, that one doesn't last too long.
“Gotta shut it down before it blows the safeties,” Horse said as he moved to the side and started to tug on the levers. They didn’t budge. “Hey, what’s wrong with this thing?” Goldenblood didn’t move. He stared right at the silver rod of metal. “Director! Move out of there.”
Suddenly, the whole machine shook just as a buck walked in the door to the lab. The machine gave a resounding bang, and the rod went flying through the air, buzzing an eerie high-pitched song. It seemed to curve mid flight, passing right by Goldenblood’s ear as it flew straight into the head of the buck in the doorway behind Goldenblood. He dropped instantly, falling in that boneless way that signaled a terminal injury.
So, beyond its off-the-charts tensile strength, we see that it may be able to subtly bend the world around it to kill.
Little silvery wisps were rising from the wound and disappearing into the metal rod.
And that helps to explain the earlier wisps and memory fragments from the underground.
The whole post-surgery conversation is great. Maybe "whole" is too much, since it's only a page. Anyway, I like how Blackjack is coming to accept her coming death, and it's sobering her up, making her focus on what she really cares about. The same, of course is happening with Glory, but her focus is on Blackjack. And it's always sweet to see the appreciation Blackjack has for someone taking care of her.
The encounter with Usury says a lot about Blackjack, and particularly the asymmetry of her perceptions about people. Sure, she's ambivalent about her coming death and all the rest, but the capacity for pity to so overcome the anger and indignation over Usury's slaving, utterly effortlessly, is one of the things I love about her. Even as she takes the one last thing Usury might have had in the world.
“If you really want to thank me, I think I can spare a bit of time...” he said with a roguish wink that made me blush. He was old enough to be… still really good to look at. “Otherwise, don’t worry about it. Your mare paid everything up nice and square.” Glory smiled, nodded, and put her wing across my back possessively.
And here we see a case where Blackjack seems to recognize that Glory is possessive of her sexually, and it comes through in the narration, unless she manages some really heavy misinterpretation of both of them while still getting the basic emotion right. Feels problematic given Stygius later.
- Chapter Thirty Overall Thoughts:
- The most important thing happening in this chapter is the evolution of Glory's and Blackjack's attitude towards life and death. Glory's is more subtle, essentially becoming more prominently focused on doing anything to keep Blackjack alive, and perhaps to the exclusion of seeing how Blackjack is changing. Blackjack, of course, is becoming more focused, much more of a grown-up character as the increasing immanence of death, both Glory's at the beginning of the chapter and her own later on, force her to consider what she really believes is important, and what she can do with the time she has left. Much of that, of course, revolves around protecting Glory, physically at least, but there's also the drive to preserve as much as she can by stopping the Reapers-Rangers war and to build something lasting by getting Steelpony to the Professor. The protection of Glory, of course, ties in beautifully with what's later learned about Eternity, particularly as Blackjack imagines going to any length to keep her from harm, even to the extent of ruining her life by separating her from the whole world. The dream memory of Blackjack with her mom, though short, did quite a bit for me. It was a reminder that Blackjack's never really grown up, and certainly never did before leaving 99. That itself builds on her relationship with her mother, as I think that had an important role in her longstanding disappointment with her. It also highlighted her belief, particularly early on, in the ability of people to do what their roles require. Particularly, it's interesting to see how much see wanted to be security as a foal, and I wonder what exactly spoiled her on it as time went on. Beyond the childish boredom, I wonder if a big part was that she saw that what she was doing really didn't have much to do with saving ponies.
Beyond that, we have some interesting setting construction, with Hoofington revealed as messing with ponies and the mysterious appearance of new salvage over time. Likewise, I read the part of the memory with Horse and Goldenblood as suggestive that starmetal can slightly warp the world around it in order to kill people, in addition to seeing it absorb souls (though that's not fully explained yet). More about the Hoofington Six, Glory's mom especially. I bet Hinds loved Stable 94, where Keeper was from.
This chapter also has a couple of instances where Blackjack fails to pick up on the assumption of monogamy outside of 99, and near the end has a weird case where she recognizes Glory's possessiveness of her, but either forgets this later (Stygius) or made some odd logical leap that made it about something other than sex, despite the fact that it was very clearly prompted by Keeper coming on to Blackjack/them. I'm fine with the first type, where Blackjack just misses things, but the time with acknowledgement doesn't sit quite right with me.
Oh, and Stronghoof arrives right at the end. I'm optimistic that I'll like him more this time around, but we'll see.
- Chapter Thirty Editing:
- façade/facade
30: For an instant, through the cracks in his calm façade, I saw what drove Lighthooves: terror.
40: It was night, but lights on the black facades lit up everything in garish colors.
43: You populated your fantasy with ponies you’ve known in your life, assigning them motives and facades according to your attitudes.
45: The magical scope peeled away the façade of the building, and I looked through the walls to the ponies within.
Even when her own sister forced her to adopt that ridiculous pseudonym ‘Fallen Glo--
Should there be a closing quotation mark?
dust I’d inhaled. Tears turned to mud
Only one space after the period.
However, it’s not part of the deal.” I only hoped that
Four spaces after the period.
“The medical ponies will make her all better, Momma!” I said, trying to explain t
There should be only one space after the quotation.
Sleeping. Breathing
Only one space after the period.
PipBuck navigation: ‘Weather Monitoring Station #1.’
Period to outside quotation marks.
I needed a shower...and probably help washing, given my bendy legs.
Ah…I'd just discovered their 'laboratory'.
Space needed after ellipsis.
In any case, let’s not quibble over each other’s degrees of monsterdom.
Given his high level diction, maybe "monstrosity" or "monstrousness"?
And yes, I acknowledge that, in doing so, we abandoned countless ponies, as well as our own Ministry Mare.”
Should not end with a closing quotation mark.
Everypony was supposed to be celebrating the triumph of the Enclave and giving their thanks for the military’s protection… not start thinking about helping the surface.”
Perhaps change to "not starting to think about" to preserve parallel structure?
with terrifying swiftness. You very nearly sparked
pretext…” Glory muttered. “They couldn’t just
I did not want Lighthooves thinking about Spike. “You
Only one space after the period.
So he was fine killing with everypony he needed to so long as Thunderhead was protected.
Is this really necessary, given the paragraph he just delivered?
blow up in my face. Certainly
they’ve only reinforced his popularity. That means that the only standby
Only one space after the period.
I felt an small appreciation for what he was attempting to do.
"A small appreciation"
I see. And you’ll convince him
Only one space after the period.
muzzle. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t
Only one space after each period.
I’m sorry, Father. I know you want
Only one space after the period.
“What if they’re not, though?” I asked as I stepped up next to
Should have only one space after the quotation.
remotely pegasus-built...and was shocked
Space needed after ellipsis.
most of it. “Ahhh!”
Only one space after period.
Intangible gear is where I draw the line!
Possible "was where I drew"?
my barding into place. Glory helped me
Only one space after period.
“As they say ‘if you can’t beat em….’”
Comma after "say," only three dots for ellipsis.
“Watcher?” Glory asked in confusion as I
Should only have one space after quotation.
“I almost lost her, Spike.” I said softly as I
Period should be comma.
Goddess… I’m so happy!
"Goddesses"?
“Can I come back now?” Glory asked.
Should only have one space after quotation.
What in the Goddess was-
Again, why singular? Also, second hyphen for dash.
I didn’t want to wait for a clear shot at a head.
"Its" or "the" in place of "a," particulary since there's ony one right now?
I floated out Taurus’ rifle.
"Taurus's"
I bumped into the thrashing Glory and wrapped by hooves around her.
"my hooves"
I could see domed top.
"A" or "the" domed top?
room for a pony. The noise rose
Three spaces after the period.
I took a breath and held it as well.
The "as well" seems odd, here.
in a sharp L shape. I had no idea how
but intact fire station. From the second floor
Only one space after the period.
The gray pegasus lunged and snapped the berry out of the air and munched furiously. “My berry,” she said firmly. “I get the berries. I was the one who was shoved into a pipe.”
This paragraph needs to be indented.
“The Ironpony?” I nodded vigorously, and he gave a soft sigh.
Second space needed after quoatation.
Something about him… a yellow pony… a yellow pony.
I think there should only be one space after the second ellipsis.
she sounded like, so…eh, considering
Space needed after ellipsis.
No big deal.” I said as I
Period should be comma, should only have one space after quotation.
door leading downstairs. “That’s
Only one space after the period.
“How long is this orb, sweetie?” Glory asked the filly.
Should have only one space after the quotation.
Wait, what’d I just s-
Second hyphen for dash.
“And what happened to ‘It is absolutely vital to the future of Equestria that you oversee all activities of the Ministry of Peace.’, hmm?”
Should that period be there?
“By all means, be rude. You can be positively snitty if it makes you feel better,” he laughed.
That's not really a good speech descriptor, since you can't really laugh speech. Maybe something about him saying it, and laughing at the end?
what brings the director of the O.I.A. to see me?” he asked with a broad smile.
“Calipers!” Horse cried, rushing to the fallen buck.
Should have ony one space after quotation.
“That’s what I need to figure out, Mr. Horse.” Goldenblood said softly as he stared
Period should be comma.
You found something that caused Enervation… stopped a slaving tribe… helped me… went for a ride through
Should have only one space after second ellipsis.
grumpy. Okay?” She sniffed and nodded and I smiled,
Should have second space after quotation.
It… looks like we can now contact the entire active MASEBS network"
Missing period.
Glory deftly selected an option marked ‘Contacted Nodes.’
Period to outside of quotation marks.
I even purchased Deus’ remains, but...
"Deus's"
she’d purchased on her barding. For once, life was good
Only one space after the period.
New Perk Added: Eye for Eye- For each crippled limb you have, you do an additional 10% damage.
Should have only one space after colon, second hyphen for dash, symmetrical spacing about dash.
Icy Shake- Alicorn
- Posts : 1209
Brohoof! : 308
Join date : 2012-06-05
Age : 35
Location : Boston, MA
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Nov 10, 2013 7:28 pm
Someone please get off the hub page? I can't get in to post the link.
O. Hinds- Zebra Engineer
- Posts : 4863
Brohoof! : 383
Join date : 2012-05-09
Character List:
Name: Ris Haends Aeronauticus
Sex: Male
Species: Zebra
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Sun Nov 10, 2013 7:30 pm
Pretty sure I know what at least one of those (redacted) are maybe two.Somber wrote:There's things Blackjack needs to do... like (redacted)... losing (redacted) again... and having a (redacted)....
Last edited by Last on Sun Nov 10, 2013 7:35 pm; edited 1 time in total
Guest- Guest
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Stringtheory Sun Nov 10, 2013 7:30 pm
They must be too busy refreshing...O. Hinds wrote:Someone please get off the hub page? I can't get in to post the link.
Stringtheory- Alicorn
- Posts : 2097
Brohoof! : 97
Join date : 2012-05-13
Age : 29
Location : Amherst, MA
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Sun Nov 10, 2013 7:36 pm
Might be best not to tell people when the chapter is going to be done in the future.
Guest- Guest
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Nov 10, 2013 7:38 pm
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 15 Somber11](https://i.servimg.com/u/f31/17/51/22/96/somber11.jpg)
62, Part One!
O. Hinds- Zebra Engineer
- Posts : 4863
Brohoof! : 383
Join date : 2012-05-09
Character List:
Name: Ris Haends Aeronauticus
Sex: Male
Species: Zebra
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Nov 10, 2013 8:12 pm
Ah, thank you very much as always.Icy Shake wrote:I haven't seen Pacific Rim, so no comment on that front.Well, I'm not the one who brought it up, but I'd note that Priest ended up just fine, and there's a decent chance that the "encounter" would end up just being Rampage curling up in Blackjack's arms and crying, then begging her not to tell anyone. Blackjack's the Softest Heart in the Wasteland (TM), but I think she could handle that.Captain Stramash wrote:On a side note Icy Shakes, me thinks Blackjack would not survive that particular encounter with Rampage even if she is a badass cyber pony with Wolverines healing power.
Anyway, I'm looking forward to the next (half) chapter, too. In the meantime, though, I went through chapter thirty.
- Chapter Thirty Running Thoughts:
I'm really liking this dream so far. And this part is kind of touching, in that though she's wrong, it's endearing that filly Blackjack is reacting so much like her older self, but it's normal coming from a small child. It's a reminder that, really, Blackjack's only started to grow up since leaving the stable.
What would Momma think of me now? Would she accept that I had no other choice in 99? That to save the stable, I had to destroy the stable? Would I even get to the everafter? I certainly didn’t deserve it.
Particularly poignant, knowing that these really are answered (and soon), yet she defers the everafter.
My brain was coming up with half-baked plots of putting her in power armor, with one of those force shield thingies, one of Rampage’s regeneration talismans, and the HMS Celestia to keep her safe. Maybe there was a ‘protection’ megaspell?
This was a really wonderful way to introduce or expand on the motivation behind Project Eternity; I like that it's coming through the parallel rather than merely a memory with Rarity or exposition.
We could just banish the two of us to the moon and be safe forever and ever.
Also, ties in with the longstanding speculation that Horizons might be a stable on the moon.
Since I didn’t have my braces or my gear, there wasn’t much for me to do but wait. He hadn’t even left me with a spoon.
A cute, funny little callback to lighten the mood.
“Northstar, actually, one of the pegasi with him. She caught me when I… I fell.” For a pegasus, falling to your death had to be high on the list of ways not to die.
Did anyone else here like Device Heretic's "Thunderstruck"? I miss his writing, and hate that people put him through so much bullshit he was driven to stop writing in the fandom, at least under that pseudonym (and, well, the other one).
I was sure that, eventually, I’d find out what he wanted them for and be all angry about it, but right now I’d have giftwrapped the talismans for him.
Sounds about right. More so than you'd ever suspect.
“Please. Nopony takes that sort of thing seriously,” Glory said with a dismissive wave of her… stump. The perfunctory gesture made Lighthooves look a bit ill before he recovered his usual level of snot.
Sometimes it's the little things that make characters and imaginary worlds feel real.
Because ponies are increasingly questioning the need for the military. Why not allocate more resources to food production? Establishing new cloud settlements?
Why would they think about new settlements, when there's already a massive oversupply of living space apart from, perhaps, the major population centers like Thunderhead and Neighvarro? As part of a reallocation of resourses to agriculture, I could see it, but as an independent goal?
“Ideally, I would have us return to the surface as a military venture. Controlled and organized to prevent as much disturbance as possible. A process backed by a new Thunderhead military after surface threats were eliminated and challenges destroyed and cowed by our superior firepower. And with Hoofington as a base of operations, we could expand slowly and deliberately across Equestria. Monsters like the alicorns and relics like the Steel Rangers would be eliminated, and eventually a New Equestria could be founded. Unicorns from Shadowbolt Tower would repopulate their race. Earth pony survivors would remain, given that they’re as tenacious as radroaches. And the Wasteland will be no more.”
Well, if it wasn't clear yet, we can safely say that, in addition to everything else indicating his moral monstrousness, he's a racist imperialist, extending far beyond his immediately apparent chauvinism.
But the goal itself, trying to prevent war? That was respectable.
Maybe, but when that's part of a larger goal of undermining another polity from the inside as a prelude to invasion of a third, which seems intended to be a genocide, well, it loses some of its respectability.
I smiled… okay, grimaced… at him. “Sometimes the unexpected is the most effective.” Ooooh, see what I did, Lighthooves? See? I used your own words against you. Point, Blackjack!
Blackjack . . . no. Just no. You come across better when you don't think you're being smart, especially when you really aren't.
A few hours ago, I’d thought she was dead. Now I was left feeling giddy that I’d just been cuffed to a bed. Maybe I should try to cool this down. Get some control. Something.
No, no I'm pretty sure that the whole issue is that you don't really like control, in large part because you don't like and don't trust yourself.
Sky Striker showed a very defined character very rapidly in the conversation with Glory and Blackjack.
“Nice to see you again too, Blackjack.” After a moment, the bot crackled again. “Woah. What happened to you? Nice eyepatch!”
Was this pre-"About Time"? Also, it's charming, if a little weird, that this is something he so easily could have (did?) say in season one or two, yet has persisted despite everything in the interim. Which is acknowledged immediately afterwards.
“Maybe. Or it’s possibly a knockoff. Or maybe somepony in the Wasteland found enough parts to make one. After all, why only make three when you can have nine at triple the price, only the six get to be kept secret for your own sinister ends?”
I love everything about this. Placing a Checkhov's gun, expanding what can be done not just in PH but expanded-universe FoE generally, a well-placed Close Encounters reference, and a swipe at Goldenblood all at once?
“But… what if she dies?” I whimpered, feeling like an absolute foal. I needed some adult to tell me it was going to be okay.
Yeah, yeah you really do, don't you?
“Then… that’s a real bad day. But you have to remember all the good parts. That knowing her is worthwhile. I miss Twilight every single day because I remember how much she meant to me. You have to do the same for Glory for as long as you can.”
Though retaining some of his quirks is cute, I really do appreciate how much of the friendship lessons he's absorbed from his friends, and that he has matured quite a bit.
You think you’re going to be able to get me to give up after I just got laid? I can take all you fuckers on!
So, is that more or less of a bonus than drunkenness or singing? Has she ever yet had the trifecta?
And just like that, I knew what it meant to be holding on to a limb. Just what had gone through her mind. What I’d do to her if I let go and allowed myself to be pulled into that watery maw. I saw her wide, terrified eyes. Her lips moving. ‘Don’t let go.’
I don’t want you to die, Glory. Just like she didn’t want me to die in Flash Industries. But she’d have a whole life before her; I only had a few months. I knew she couldn’t see me in the dark gloom. I wanted to let her know it would be all right. It would be okay. It would.
I like this moment: the desperation, the justification, the knowledge that really, no, it wouldn't be all right. And then the save.
And an old buck chuckled, “Well, damn! Don’t you two know just how to make an entrance!”
Finders Keepers!?
Contrary to what some may believe, travel by pipe, while fast, is neither comfortable nor safe.
Mario lied to me!
“Pfft. As if I’d ever sell such a piece of beauty,” I said, pining over a gun I’d only seen once. For all I knew, it kicked like an orgasming mule and jammed like a virgin on… oh Goddesses, was I feeling the itch again already?
For quite a while I've imagined that she gets some kind of bonus to (small) guns skills due to her affinity to them.
“You mean you… and me…” I sputtered, then flushed at his easy smile. “You just met me!” It was impossible. He was… he was… old! And… old! And… in very good shape for his age.
I feel better about this towards the second half; "just met" doesn't seem like it would (and, we see later, indeed does not) phase her.
Also, add another tick to the total of times she's missed that, outside Ninety Nine, monogamy is assumed.
Got out on my own, hooked up with a ghoul to start our business; I was the handsome face and she was the set of wings that got us from place to place while she was hammering out a guide to the Wasteland.
I'd forgotten that he worked with Ditzy.
“I’ve come across ammo containers I’d emptied and tossed aside now miraculously holding more ammo. Never completely full, always with just enough ammo to keep me going. I’ve picked locks on safes only to come across them locked and filled with new plunder. I’ve hacked terminals only to find the passwords changed. Found food where we’d cleaned everything out,” he grumbled as he took another pull. “I know, most folks just assume I’m mistaken. But findin’ things is my special talent.” He pointed at his flank, where a wandering dashed red line ended at an X. “I remember every place I’ve found loot. And I’m telling you, something in this place is fucking with us.”
See, this sort of thing is just plain exciting and interesting, and on top of that works as a lead-in to the Harbingers. We're gradually seeing that Hoofington as an enemy isn't figurative, but literally true.
. . . Ah, the eye tentacle penis. Yeah.
Fluttershy wore glasses as she shuffled through papers and he read reports about the Equestrian Space Program. He asked her about her forays into memory modification spells for dealing with emotional traumas. She asked him what names he was thinking of for the baby.
Setting up a red herring with Fluttershy as the mother of the foal Marigold carried? But it seems like the timing might be off. In any case, that one doesn't last too long.
“Gotta shut it down before it blows the safeties,” Horse said as he moved to the side and started to tug on the levers. They didn’t budge. “Hey, what’s wrong with this thing?” Goldenblood didn’t move. He stared right at the silver rod of metal. “Director! Move out of there.”
Suddenly, the whole machine shook just as a buck walked in the door to the lab. The machine gave a resounding bang, and the rod went flying through the air, buzzing an eerie high-pitched song. It seemed to curve mid flight, passing right by Goldenblood’s ear as it flew straight into the head of the buck in the doorway behind Goldenblood. He dropped instantly, falling in that boneless way that signaled a terminal injury.
So, beyond its off-the-charts tensile strength, we see that it may be able to subtly bend the world around it to kill.
Little silvery wisps were rising from the wound and disappearing into the metal rod.
And that helps to explain the earlier wisps and memory fragments from the underground.
The whole post-surgery conversation is great. Maybe "whole" is too much, since it's only a page. Anyway, I like how Blackjack is coming to accept her coming death, and it's sobering her up, making her focus on what she really cares about. The same, of course is happening with Glory, but her focus is on Blackjack. And it's always sweet to see the appreciation Blackjack has for someone taking care of her.
The encounter with Usury says a lot about Blackjack, and particularly the asymmetry of her perceptions about people. Sure, she's ambivalent about her coming death and all the rest, but the capacity for pity to so overcome the anger and indignation over Usury's slaving, utterly effortlessly, is one of the things I love about her. Even as she takes the one last thing Usury might have had in the world.
“If you really want to thank me, I think I can spare a bit of time...” he said with a roguish wink that made me blush. He was old enough to be… still really good to look at. “Otherwise, don’t worry about it. Your mare paid everything up nice and square.” Glory smiled, nodded, and put her wing across my back possessively.
And here we see a case where Blackjack seems to recognize that Glory is possessive of her sexually, and it comes through in the narration, unless she manages some really heavy misinterpretation of both of them while still getting the basic emotion right. Feels problematic given Stygius later.
- Chapter Thirty Overall Thoughts:
Beyond that, we have some interesting setting construction, with Hoofington revealed as messing with ponies and the mysterious appearance of new salvage over time. Likewise, I read the part of the memory with Horse and Goldenblood as suggestive that starmetal can slightly warp the world around it in order to kill people, in addition to seeing it absorb souls (though that's not fully explained yet). More about the Hoofington Six, Glory's mom especially. I bet Hinds loved Stable 94, where Keeper was from.
This chapter also has a couple of instances where Blackjack fails to pick up on the assumption of monogamy outside of 99, and near the end has a weird case where she recognizes Glory's possessiveness of her, but either forgets this later (Stygius) or made some odd logical leap that made it about something other than sex, despite the fact that it was very clearly prompted by Keeper coming on to Blackjack/them. I'm fine with the first type, where Blackjack just misses things, but the time with acknowledgement doesn't sit quite right with me.
Oh, and Stronghoof arrives right at the end. I'm optimistic that I'll like him more this time around, but we'll see.
- Chapter Thirty Editing:
30: For an instant, through the cracks in his calm façade, I saw what drove Lighthooves: terror.
40: It was night, but lights on the black facades lit up everything in garish colors.
43: You populated your fantasy with ponies you’ve known in your life, assigning them motives and facades according to your attitudes.
45: The magical scope peeled away the façade of the building, and I looked through the walls to the ponies within.
Even when her own sister forced her to adopt that ridiculous pseudonym ‘Fallen Glo--
Should there be a closing quotation mark?
dust I’d inhaled. Tears turned to mud
Only one space after the period.
However, it’s not part of the deal.” I only hoped that
Four spaces after the period.
“The medical ponies will make her all better, Momma!” I said, trying to explain t
There should be only one space after the quotation.
Sleeping. Breathing
Only one space after the period.
PipBuck navigation: ‘Weather Monitoring Station #1.’
Period to outside quotation marks.
I needed a shower...and probably help washing, given my bendy legs.
Ah…I'd just discovered their 'laboratory'.
Space needed after ellipsis.
In any case, let’s not quibble over each other’s degrees of monsterdom.
Given his high level diction, maybe "monstrosity" or "monstrousness"?
And yes, I acknowledge that, in doing so, we abandoned countless ponies, as well as our own Ministry Mare.”
Should not end with a closing quotation mark.
Everypony was supposed to be celebrating the triumph of the Enclave and giving their thanks for the military’s protection… not start thinking about helping the surface.”
Perhaps change to "not starting to think about" to preserve parallel structure?
with terrifying swiftness. You very nearly sparked
pretext…” Glory muttered. “They couldn’t just
I did not want Lighthooves thinking about Spike. “You
Only one space after the period.
So he was fine killing with everypony he needed to so long as Thunderhead was protected.
Is this really necessary, given the paragraph he just delivered?
blow up in my face. Certainly
they’ve only reinforced his popularity. That means that the only standby
Only one space after the period.
I felt an small appreciation for what he was attempting to do.
"A small appreciation"
I see. And you’ll convince him
Only one space after the period.
muzzle. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t
Only one space after each period.
I’m sorry, Father. I know you want
Only one space after the period.
“What if they’re not, though?” I asked as I stepped up next to
Should have only one space after the quotation.
remotely pegasus-built...and was shocked
Space needed after ellipsis.
most of it. “Ahhh!”
Only one space after period.
Intangible gear is where I draw the line!
Possible "was where I drew"?
my barding into place. Glory helped me
Only one space after period.
“As they say ‘if you can’t beat em….’”
Comma after "say," only three dots for ellipsis.
“Watcher?” Glory asked in confusion as I
Should only have one space after quotation.
“I almost lost her, Spike.” I said softly as I
Period should be comma.
Goddess… I’m so happy!
"Goddesses"?
“Can I come back now?” Glory asked.
Should only have one space after quotation.
What in the Goddess was-
Again, why singular? Also, second hyphen for dash.
I didn’t want to wait for a clear shot at a head.
"Its" or "the" in place of "a," particulary since there's ony one right now?
I floated out Taurus’ rifle.
"Taurus's"
I bumped into the thrashing Glory and wrapped by hooves around her.
"my hooves"
I could see domed top.
"A" or "the" domed top?
room for a pony. The noise rose
Three spaces after the period.
I took a breath and held it as well.
The "as well" seems odd, here.
in a sharp L shape. I had no idea how
but intact fire station. From the second floor
Only one space after the period.
The gray pegasus lunged and snapped the berry out of the air and munched furiously. “My berry,” she said firmly. “I get the berries. I was the one who was shoved into a pipe.”
This paragraph needs to be indented.
“The Ironpony?” I nodded vigorously, and he gave a soft sigh.
Second space needed after quoatation.
Something about him… a yellow pony… a yellow pony.
I think there should only be one space after the second ellipsis.
she sounded like, so…eh, considering
Space needed after ellipsis.
No big deal.” I said as I
Period should be comma, should only have one space after quotation.
door leading downstairs. “That’s
Only one space after the period.
“How long is this orb, sweetie?” Glory asked the filly.
Should have only one space after the quotation.
Wait, what’d I just s-
Second hyphen for dash.
“And what happened to ‘It is absolutely vital to the future of Equestria that you oversee all activities of the Ministry of Peace.’, hmm?”
Should that period be there?
“By all means, be rude. You can be positively snitty if it makes you feel better,” he laughed.
That's not really a good speech descriptor, since you can't really laugh speech. Maybe something about him saying it, and laughing at the end?
what brings the director of the O.I.A. to see me?” he asked with a broad smile.
“Calipers!” Horse cried, rushing to the fallen buck.
Should have ony one space after quotation.
“That’s what I need to figure out, Mr. Horse.” Goldenblood said softly as he stared
Period should be comma.
You found something that caused Enervation… stopped a slaving tribe… helped me… went for a ride through
Should have only one space after second ellipsis.
grumpy. Okay?” She sniffed and nodded and I smiled,
Should have second space after quotation.
It… looks like we can now contact the entire active MASEBS network"
Missing period.
Glory deftly selected an option marked ‘Contacted Nodes.’
Period to outside of quotation marks.
I even purchased Deus’ remains, but...
"Deus's"
she’d purchased on her barding. For once, life was good
Only one space after the period.
New Perk Added: Eye for Eye- For each crippled limb you have, you do an additional 10% damage.
Should have only one space after colon, second hyphen for dash, symmetrical spacing about dash.
O. Hinds- Zebra Engineer
- Posts : 4863
Brohoof! : 383
Join date : 2012-05-09
Character List:
Name: Ris Haends Aeronauticus
Sex: Male
Species: Zebra
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Downloaded Skill Sun Nov 10, 2013 8:38 pm
LLLLLLLLLLLET'S READ
Downloaded Skill- Unicorn
- Posts : 324
Brohoof! : 81
Join date : 2012-08-19
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by RoboRed Sun Nov 10, 2013 8:52 pm
So it begins...
- Spoiler:
Damn that bastard, Hoarfrost. Damn Hoarfrost and damn the GPE. Shelling Thunderhead...for fuck's sake. I hope those fuckers die painfully. And damn Lighthooves for this carefully-crafted mess.
Thank god they were able to save Storm Chaser. Things would have really gone to hell otherwise. But she's still okay.
Now the insurrection begins, and BJ and Boo are off on a fantastic adventure.
Hope the others stay safe.
RoboRed- Royal Alicorn
- Posts : 13859
Brohoof! : 717
Join date : 2012-05-09
Age : 35
Location : Nebraska
Character List:
Name:
Sex:
Species:
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Evilgidgit Sun Nov 10, 2013 9:30 pm
- Spoiler:
- To Shadowbolt Tower! *plays Rainbow Dash's theme from Fighting Is Magic*
Evilgidgit- Earth Pony
- Posts : 169
Brohoof! : 18
Join date : 2013-06-06
Age : 33
Location : UK -
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Kippershy Sun Nov 10, 2013 9:52 pm
According to someone, you done goofed.
- Spoiler:
- >I had to surrender my guns before we went into the bridge proper.
>Red bars in my EFS. I’d barely gotten Vigilance out when white-armored pegasi stormed into the bridge.
Uhhhhh...
Kippershy- Lord of Derail
- Posts : 3493
Brohoof! : 121
Join date : 2012-05-09
Age : 33
Location : Essex, England
Character List:
Name: Crimson Wings / Cherry Sundae
Sex: Male / Female
Species: Pegasus / Unicorn
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Nov 10, 2013 10:31 pm
Kippershy wrote:According to someone, you done goofed.
- Spoiler:
>Red bars in my EFS. I’d barely gotten Vigilance out when white-armored pegasi stormed into the bridge.
Uhhhhh...
Ah, thank you.swicked wrote:Kippershy wrote:According to someone, you done goofed.
- Spoiler:
>Red bars in my EFS. I’d barely gotten Vigilance out when white-armored pegasi stormed into the bridge.
Uhhhhh...
- Spoiler:
O. Hinds- Zebra Engineer
- Posts : 4863
Brohoof! : 383
Join date : 2012-05-09
Character List:
Name: Ris Haends Aeronauticus
Sex: Male
Species: Zebra
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Somber Sun Nov 10, 2013 11:06 pm
yup. That's a whoopse. Should have made it magic bullets after all. Well, we'll get to it when we can get into the doc.
Somber- Hydra
- Posts : 538
Brohoof! : 1046
Join date : 2012-05-09
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Somber Sun Nov 10, 2013 11:26 pm
... sigh... why couldn't he let me do it?
There. taken care of. The weapons wouldn't be on the bridge.
There. taken care of. The weapons wouldn't be on the bridge.
Somber- Hydra
- Posts : 538
Brohoof! : 1046
Join date : 2012-05-09
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Derpmind Sun Nov 10, 2013 11:37 pm
Gah! I have a better solution: Have Blackjack hide it like P-21 taught her to!
...so anyways, I'm just gonna copy/paste my scrawling and call it a night. No idea how good or bad my commentary is, so take anything I don't say or anything stupid as me just being overdosed on awesome. Thanks again for another awesome chapter.
...so anyways, I'm just gonna copy/paste my scrawling and call it a night. No idea how good or bad my commentary is, so take anything I don't say or anything stupid as me just being overdosed on awesome. Thanks again for another awesome chapter.
- Spoiler:
- Hey, my reminder worked! This will be the second time I've done a running commentary.
I wonder who the wolf and lion are supposed to be. Thunderhead vs. Neighvarro? Are we going to see another faction or two pop up?
"Just like two centuries ago." War. War never changes.
...I can't honestly say that Glory still having both wings wasn't just a fanciful hope. Of course she would loose her wing again.
I once found a few pieces of months old candy I'd forgotten about in a backpack I was going to throw away. The magic of modern preservatives had kept them totally edible.
“Besides, somepony needs to take care of your dad.” That's adorable.
Ok, this entire scene is filled with cute. Wow.
"I don’t know if it was shot at us or if it was simply my rotten luck," It was probably just bad luck. Blackjack was close to the Raptors, and it was aimed at them. If Lighthooves knew Blackjack was on the turnip wagon and wanted (and was able) to use the Tower's weaponry on her, then Blackjack would be dead.
Too much awesome in the meeting with the General, can't comment right now.
“Don’t, Rampage. No means no,” Conversely, yes means yes, and if any of the pegasi say so nothing can stop the Rampage.
"In the bridge were a dozen unarmored pegasus mares in a semicircle deftly worked glowing control panels made of rainbows and pressed keys with their pinions, the feather tips protected in purple plastic. They wore headgear with a clear band across their face, the surface flickering with images rather like a poor pony’s EFS. There were no windows; instead, there were seven large screens showing an angled arc before the ship. Above us were three smaller monitors showing views out the rear of the ship." Scenery Porn count: 1 (And here's where I hope I'm not missing any earlier ones.)
“Execute orders in sixty seconds. Mark.” Shot in the dark: Has Somber or anyone on the editing team read some of The Lost Fleet series by Jack Campbell? It's a sci-fi series where the main protagonist is a commander of a space fleet, and there's lots of fleet commanding that's really similar to this scene. Of course, the author is a retired US Navy officer so it more likely just Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon, where Kevin Bacon is actual real world fleet commanding.
Cognitum starting a war to gain the energy to kill everyone? It's the Wendigos all over again... again.
"I’d barely gotten Vigilance out" Learning a thing or two from your boyfriend, Blackjack?
“That wasn’t power armor!” That's one way to up the ante: More cybernetic opponents, and with better equipment than Blackjack too. The entire story cybernetic augmentation's been very rare, but either Cognitium or the Tower have the resources to change that. Freaking hell, I did not see this coming no matter how obvious it seems in retrospect. Awesome surprise, Somber!
Rampage isn't just some awesome immortal smash pony. Rampage is so many contradictions I'd say she has multiple souls even if it wasn't for the Pheonix Talisman and the multiple personalities. And then the scene where she does doctoring is just perfect after that.
I like Doctor Whatshisname.
"Okay. That’s enough psychobabble." But I like psychobabble! I'd love to see more Psychotherapy in the wasteland with Rampage. Heh, that'd be a crazy radioshow.
"If he’d been loyal, he might have become a prominent general himself," If he'd been loyal. Good little piece of Enclave culture, there. Chewy.
"He must have gotten a copy of the designs" That, and gotten the complicated stuff decoded.
"Stripped of its clouds, the damned city now seemed alight and inhabited by forsaken souls. Black monoliths stretched towards the sky, the glassy black surfaces lit by gleaming green lines far below, as though the streets were rivers of balefire. Some of the towers had broken and leaned at haphazard angles against each other. Others were connected and draped, as if by spider webs. This was not a pony city. It may have been built by ponies, may have been inhabited by them, but there was nothing of my kind in this place. It was a city inspired by hubris. In the very center, right at the base of Shadowbolt Tower, was a horrible emerald glow within the earth." Awesome Scenery Porn count: 2
">Are you absolutely, positively sure?" Yes, Mother.
Aaaand more conspiracy. Great. Jeez, this is really, really nasty conspiracy shit.
"Then Rampage broke it with a chuckle and a sincere, “Blackjack, I fucking love you.”" Gah. Suspense. Killing me.
I like this plan already.
"I took that purple pony, mentally tied her up, gagged her, and threw her in a closet in my brain." Don't leave her alone!
"Beneath me stretched the Core in every direction, the green light suffusing its black canyons. ...Green lightning occasionally snapped from one building to the next.
" Awesome Scenery Porn count: 3? I have a feeling I'm missing these because they're so awesome I just can't stop reading.
"I checked Boo, afraid she’d be coughing up blood, but the blank just blinked back at me, cocking her head in confusion. “Huh. Guess it’s not just a cyberpony thing after all.”" I still wonder if Discord is riding around in Boo or if it's something else that protects.
"I gave them a kick, then another, and then the triangles of steel pulled free and tumbled into the Core below" Um, wouldn't the steel triangles fall into the tower since they're being kicked from outside?
"END PART ONE" I don't know what part two will be like, but honestly this feels like a complete chapter to me. I might be wrong and part two will feel like a second part of a complete chapter, but I can't know that yet.
"Part Two will be in a few more weeks." Probably a good thing. This chapter's filled with so much awesome that I feel worn out. I haven't mentioned 1/20th of all the awesome in this chapter. I've watched crazy action movies that were more relaxed than this chapter. Once again, you're one of the best writers, one of the best person who makes things in any medium whatsoever. Ok, an actual compliment that is accurate and makes sense: This is right up there with Lucidity, and where that was internal conflict turned up to 11, this is external conflict turned up to 11.
"I think this version is the best, though it will change the General’s arc." Before the General was going to be a zombie ghost looking for her lost lover, but now she's going to become a space ranger.
"I’m starting to work on an original manuscript for E-publication too; hopefully that will help me get ahead of my bills too." THE RIDE NEVER ENDS. Best of luck with that and your job. Thank you again for Project: Blackjack and Friends.
Derpmind- Mindmaster Extraordinaire
- Posts : 947
Brohoof! : 166
Join date : 2012-05-09
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Mon Nov 11, 2013 12:09 am
I don't always read two chapters of Project Horizons in one day, but when I do, I don't do much else. Glad it got up early enough for me to read it tonight.
Finishing up, thank you, Somber, and all the editors. I'm happy to hear that you have some money coming in from work, and I share your hope that the paperwork moves through quickly and you can get back to teaching, or subbing as the case may be. Likewise, I'm delighted to see the broad outpouring of support.
- Chapter Sixty Two Part One Running Thoughts:
- The only thing that marred her delightful appearance was the gray stump of her absent wing.
Well, that answers that.
“Long as it’s not all the way out to Neighvarro. Why?” Dusk asked in confusion. Glory stepped closer to her, talking in low tones. Then Dusk blinked, smiled, and actually gave Glory a hug. “I’ll be back soon.” And with that, she flew off, a bit wobbly but still airborne.
Getting Sky Striker?
I groaned as I rose and turned to Glory and moved away from really important questions to issues of survival and whatnot.
Great line. Got a laugh out of me, anyway.
Aw, Boo's being adorable.
“Blackjack excels at bad ideas. The only way this could get any better would be if we got her drunk,” Rampage replied as we flew towards the Raptors.
Or singing, or, if you believe Blackjack's guess, after sex.
Oh, you get to the singing. Cool.
I knew my response would be one of the most important I’d ever make. I took a deep breath and a step forward. Twenty beam weapons hummed in response, and I froze. “It’s a trap.”
I thought we were done with Star Wars for a bit. Oh, well. But seriously, that is a terrible way for her to start the conversation, considering it seems like an invitation for them to just gun her down.
So put your damned suspicions away and work with me because otherwise I got nothing to fall back on but the Rampage plan and then we’re all fucked!
Especially you! We'd probably get out of it more or less fine! But most of you would be dead, except for a guy who ends up missing his dangly bits!
“No. My turn. She got to rant. You got to monologue. My turn,” she said as she jumped out of the cart.
It is only fair. Also hilarious.
And Rampage makes some good points.
“If I were here to kill you I would have teleported directed behind you and cut your head off or blasted four magic bullets down your throat. Heck, I could probably just jump and crush you under my hooves right now!” I chuckled, and Rampage guffawed.
Now, one of the limited areas where I think Blackjack may be justified in her frequent belief that she's a bad pony is this: as much as she often feels bad about it afterwards, every indication, including things she says on occasion, is that she really, truly, viscerally enjoys killing. Now, whether that is truly wrong of course depends on whether desires themselves can be evil, so I'd say no, but it does come down to your own moral system.
“Don’t, Rampage. No means no,” I added as we headed up some stairs, leaving Rampage with the dozens of armored soldiers in the launch bay.
But I didn't hear a "no" . . .
“Turbines to full! Sound general quarters.” An alarm rang out, and the lights immediately dropped to amber. “Secure all hatches. Prime turrets one through six.”
Fasten all seatbelts, seal all entrances and exits, close all shops in the mall, cancel the three ring circus, secure all animals in the zoo!
I felt a purr run through the ship, and for the first time I felt more thrilled by a machine than I normally would have liked.
So, guns don't count as machines?
Like Lighthooves at Chicanery’s studio, the mare wasn’t wearing a helmet... and her eyes glowed bright red just like mine.
Dun dun duuuunnnn! But yeah, that's bad news.
Then there was a rapid fire series of brilliant green flashes and in an instant, he was gone, reduced to a glowing green mist that settled on the deck.
*salutes*
Gone all too soon.
A cold and hateful part of my mind pushed simple weaknesses as pain aside and summoned up all my focus. Another of Twilight’s spells, one that I’d thought exceptionally bizarre, came immediately to my mind as I imagined the cybermare with the biggest, bushiest beard and eyebrows I could. Her face disappeared into a yellow puff of dandelion-like hair. She staggered back as I shrugged the dead pegasus off me.
So, she could still do magic? Why no TK bullets during all that?
The most I could remember was ‘ABC’. Her Airway was clear, and when I put my ear to her muzzle, my enhanced hearing could pick up shallow Breaths… and I forgot what C meant. Contact medical? Control? Concede defeat?
Okay, the end of that is pretty good.
You want to make sure you can take a trophy from your kills, Boo. Or eat them. Or both.
You don't want to eat them. Not in Hoofington. Because can you really be sure?
It wasn’t right, or fair, but I stormed over to her and shoved her hard against the wall. “The problem?! The problem is if you had been here, the general wouldn’t have been hurt! This isn’t a fucking game anymore! Glory’s family… Thunderhead… maybe even all the Wasteland… could be killed if we can’t end this nightmare.”
So, yeah. Kind of a dick move. Also, what about the Captain? I know you just met him, but he seems like the kind of guy you would have liked.
“I like you, Blackjack, but you’re really starting to get on my nerves.” Her voice low, and for an instant I realized that this was the Rampage everypony else knew. The Reaper. “You’re the one who cares about Thunderhead, not me. You’re the one who gives a shit if the Wasteland lives or dies. Not. Me. I only give a marginal shit about a half dozen ponies in this world. The rest can go fuck themselves. This is war. Ponies die. A lot. Good and bad, innocent and guilty. Do not ever talk to me like that and tell me what I should be doing. Ever.”
Ooh, I like this. Feels like it's been a long time coming. And you know what, it sucks, but she does kind of have a point.
“Hush up. I’m not that kind of doctor,” Rampage said, her voice becoming oddly calm and gruff, as she knelt beside the fallen general.
Not too surprising, considering personality shifts seem to come more often in high tension, high emotion situations. Also, it's been too long since Doc Oc, I think.
“So, Blackjack, how have you been doing with your self-destructive tendencies?”
Hilarious. I'd ask if now is really the best time, but given how infrequently we've seen Doc Oc, well, it probably is.
This wasn’t exactly the best time for a therapy session, but I guessed I couldn’t pick and choose.
See? Blackjack agrees with me.
The General grunted, “Okay. That’s enough psychobabble. I’m not dying in the next few minutes. Get me up. There’s still fighting going on.”
I find myself liking the General more and more. Too bad there weren't more like her in the Enclave. Of course, if that were the case, they might have won. Of course, if that were the case, much of the superflousness of the invasion might never have happened.
“Most non-cyberponies are the same way in the Wasteland, Blackjack,” Rampage said with a smirk. “Especially around the Hoof.” I couldn’t argue with that. And yet, there was something that I couldn’t quite accept. Everypony still wanted to be happy. They hadn’t given up on that simple, little mote of hope. Not yet. If you didn’t want to be happy, you might find contentment, but it’d be the sort that the dead shared.
Well, she's back to being chipper. I guess a mental break to a saner pony might do that.
“Wait… what’s that noise?”
But I knew exactly what that screaming sound was.
Oh, fuck. That's never good.
> Do you wish to activate Tokomare power systems?
>Y/N?
Um, I know they're in bad shape, but wouldn't that be a "No"? That seems like a bad idea, especially with them already hurting from Enervation.
Parts of the Core went started to go dark. The lights flickered as one by one they died. As the streets and towers dimmed, the beams atop the roofs also halted. Then, one of the sides of a tower swelled like a glowing blister, bursting in flame and molten metal as green sparks shot out, arching along those black spiderwebs. I saw the base of one tower engulfed in flames that were crawling up the side of the building. Apparently, power substations didn’t do so well when you pulled the plug on them while they were shooting energy weapons. The Enervation note receded and the cloud bank rolled in to obscure the Core once more. Still that sullen glow at the heart of the city remained like an ember.
That's pretty sweet. I bet that would look amazing.
Hoarfrost nearly purred. “What a waste that would be. Neighvarro recognizes that they have a biological weapon and a delivery system that will make the quarantine a reality. With a few dozen missiles, we will be able to pacify the surface indefinitely. Ironfeather was appalled that the General wanted to destroy such an opportunity.” Now I really regretted not killing her. “Do you acknowledge my orders?”
Holy fucking shit. This asshole makes Lighthooves look like a saint.
“And you’re doing so on non-Enclave channels.” She sighed, “Blackjack, you really need to learn to convey pertinent information.”
Yes.
“So you’re not going to nobly trot to your death?” Rampage asked, and then relaxed as I shook my head, “I was worried for a second. You’re occasionally really stupid about things like that.”
"Occasionally." Right. But I'm looking forward to the Reaper coming out again. And I bet Blackjack invites Rampage to go all out, too.
“Have you been stripped of respect too?” Rampage scoffed. “I served under one of the finest officers in the Equestrian army. Colonel Cupcake. Pudgy little bastard couldn’t lick a zebra unless you dipped it in chocolate first, but we followed his orders into hell more than once. Not because Luna told us to, but because we knew he’d always do what was right. This fight isn’t over yet, and you know that plague is super bad news, so are you going to pony up and prove that you actually deserve that rank, or go sulk in your cabin and think about how absolutely and utterly you failed today?”
Rampage has had some really great lines this chapter. Or Twist, in this case.
“I know Big Macintosh wouldn’t give up. Even if it killed him, he’d go down doing what’s right. It’s just the kind of pony he was.”
Would and did. Because . . . oh, right. You already said it.
I closed my eyes and began to write on the deck four words, fifteen letters. I fought hard to resist the urge to peek. “Don’t say it!” I blurted, hoping that my lines were straight and not wandering all over the floor. The bridge suddenly grew very quiet.
Very clever of her. And a great way to build suspence. I've got shivers.
Storm Chaser looked a little pained. “Raptors are just a touch precious and irreplaceable, Rampage.”
The striped mare snorted and rolled her eyes. “That’s what makes it awesome, duh.”
Had me laughing. The humor in this chapter has been really strong.
A second later I heard her shout, “Boo! No!”
NNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
When I couldn’t see the thousands of feet of empty air below me, my brain kicked in and I looked up to see Boo biting my mane and struggling to haul me up. Fortunately, she provided just enough pull for me to quickly scramble up into the cloud.
Yay Boo!
I checked Boo, afraid she’d be coughing up blood, but the blank just blinked back at me, cocking her head in confusion.
Interesting. Discord wans't immune. A soul thing, maybe?
I could feel the Enervation tugging at me, countered by that strange tuneless song within. At this point, I’d given up guessing what could be causing it.
Well, the song within would be the ministry mares, yes?
There was every possibility that this would get me killed, but, for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel the slightest selfish hope that I’d die.
Hell fucking yes.
- Chapter Sixty Two Part One Overall Thoughts:
- Well, that was a very exciting chapter. I thought that one of the very strong points of the first third was the humor, especially with Rampage. The return of Doc Oc was very welcome, and his discussion with Blackjack tied in very nicely with the end of part realization that she didn't want to die, even a little bit. Likewise, I thought it was interesting to have Rampage finally snap, calling Blackjack out on her acting like they shared the same interests and judging her behavior. That said, it looks like she may just get the chance to go all out soon? I take it she's going to be shot from a giant cannon, right?
Also, she really got some of the best lines out of the main cast in this section. The medium-awareness early on was funny, as was toying with the Enclave military people, and I enjoyed how she dragged Blackjack into it, too. But Twist's might have been the best overall, in terms of simple line value. The Doctors' were probably more enjoyable on an integrated level.
The General was awesome, and I think it's great to have someone who is/was high up in the Enclave hierarchy to get behind. They could have done with more principled true believers. Also, holy fucking damn, Hoarfrost is just the worst. Likewise the central leadership. I really do expect for Blackjack to go executioner on someone soon, and I'm not sure it'll be Lighthooves: he actually looks pretty good compared to some of these amoral monsters.
The fights aboard the ship were a bit of a mix. I expect the inclusion of TK bullets in the edit after I read that part will help, because it seemed like Blackjack was out of it, doing nothing for quite a while but still able to clearly tell what was going on around her. Likewise, I'm not sure how I feel about the general outcome: it seemed to me like they went down pretty easily. I assume it's due to them still getting used to the enhancements? Though, the Captain's sacrifice certainly helped matters. Speaking of, I was sorry to see him go. We didn't get to see much of him, and what we saw was mostly a brave, loyal, and competent officer, but you know what, sometimes that's enough for you to want to see more, especially when those are in short supply.
The interactions with Cognitum were interesting, and it's nice to see Blackjack starting to use more forms of leverage more regularly than in the past. That said, she's still pretty dumb, what with the not thinking of relevant information to pass on. A lot. The good news is that this was handled well, in that it was somewhat played for laughs and crucially, neither the other characters nor the story itself treated it as anything other than stupid and careless.
So, very action-oriented chapter section, and I'm loving the divisions within the Enclave. I'm looking forward to seeing how it ends.
- Chapter Sixty Two Editing Matters:
- Smoke started to fill the air; I didn’t want to imagine what up here could burn.
. . .
Somepony had started a fire inside; I didn’t know how well clouds could burn, but I supposed other things in the shop could be flammable.
With both on the same page, I think the "if not clouds, what's burning" thought comes again too quickly.
examined the prone mare. She carefully
Only one space after period.
Balefire bombs blows bits of Hightower across the landscape while flaming ghouls tried to kill us all?
I think "balefire bomb blows," but if there was more than one bomb, then "balefire bombs blow."
Glory glanced at me; in her eyes played host to dancing doubt and uncertainty, but then they hardened
No "in," or "in her eyes danced doubt and uncertainty."
Will these work?” I asked.
the contaminated recycler, I think so!” she said with
Should only have one space after quotation.
Sweeping them into her own saddle bags, Glory continued,
"saddlebags"
and addressed Moonshadow first, “You need to get
Should only have one space after comma.
You go with Rampage and Twister. She can commandeer a skywagon and get you to meet with General Chaser,” Glory said, and the tan pegasus nodded.
Tan?
She popped off her helmet, her lavender coat reminding me of Dazzle. More purplish-blue but no glitter in Twister’s mane, though.
But I want to go with Blackjack!” Scotch Tape wailed.
Should only have one space after quotation.
Damnit. ”Ugh... Nevermind
Second space or no capitalization after ellipsis.
“Okay. You with me, Boo.”
"You're"?
We’re armed.” Rampage said as she reached into
Period should be comma, should have only one space after quotation.
Just as you did Stargazer and Strat-“
Second hyphen for dash.
ignoring the guns trained on me. “What the fuck
Only one space after period.
reports I’m getting from out west…” She began before
Should only have one space after quotation, "she" shouldn't be capitalized.
It’s even affecting you,” Rampage grinned.
Comma should be period.
side and a pair of alarmed pegasi stallions.
"pegasus stallions"
I had to surrender my guns before we went into the bridge proper.
Should that be "onto" the bridge?
dismissive of a ornamental-looking, archaic weapon.
"an ornamental"
In the bridge were a dozen unarmored pegasus mares in a semicircle deftly worked glowing control panels made of rainbows and pressed keys with their pinions, the feather tips protected in purple plastic. They wore
"who deftly worked"
or
"working" and "pressing"
Only one space after period.
good ponies are too decent for politics?” Storm Chaser asked rhetorically.
Should have only one space after quotation.
The pegasi simply leaned instinctively as the Castellanus rose at a sharp angle.
"Castellanus" should be italicized.
Like Shadowbolt Tower being connected to the Core’s defenses.”
Shouldn't end with quotation mark: Blackjack continues in next paragraph.
“Okay… There’s really no way
Second space after ellipsis, or don't capitalize "there's."
I asked the general archly, then looked at the
Should "general" be capitalized?
“What do you want me to do, Blackjack?” The general countered.
“What are you talking about, Blackjack?” The general asked in tones suggesting she was tired of asking me that.
"the" shouldn't be capitalized, "general" should be, I think.
But I didn’t have time to explain as the captain shouted,
"Captain" should be capitalized.
The general pulled her helmet on,
"general" capitalized?
I’d barely gotten Vigilance out when white-armored pegasi stormed into the bridge.
Where'd she get that from? Didn't she surrender it before entering the bridge?
but the invader’s weapons were grafted to their sides
"invaders' "
I just really wished Rampage was here right now.
"were here"?
At least, they did before I put one round from Vigilance into each of them.
Again, did she leave the bridge, or get it from whomever she had surrendered her guns to, or had she hidden it and had it the whole time?
an equally stunned pegasi atop me saved me
"pegasus"
The general was not so lucky, given that her armor didn’t have any ranged weapons on it and I doubted that the cyberpony mare would allow her to close the distance. The general tried anyway, going into a dive straight at the armored mare. The cyberpony mare grinned as she opened up a stream of lethal energy bolts and beams. The captain was drawing
Capitalization?
With the precision of SATS, I watched the rapid fire barrage strike the general. For an instant it seemed as if she’d close the gap. For an instant, I felt like I was the one stuck in SATS.
"general" capitalized? "S.A.T.S."
Like a lightning bolt, the general struck the
"general" capitalized?
them swiveled around and blast wildly around
"blasted"
In unison, they pulled the pins of a around a dozen magic grenades and threw them threw the breach.
"threw them through"
The General was closest to the blast, but the captain’s sacrifice had kept her out of range of the explosives.
"captain's" capitalized?
“Racewind…” the general murmured, only audible to my ears.
well aimed volley that raked the general with brilliant red
The general took a step back,
the fallen general and swarmed over
"general" capitalized? ("well aimed" hyphenated?)
I watched my last, best hope to ending this laying in a smoking heap on the deck.
"Lying"
Another pair of Lighthooves’s cyberponies rushed me. “Get Blackjack!” he yelled.
I think that should be "one yelled."
One of which read ‘warning: high voltage.’
Should at least some of the words on the sign be capitalized? I guess I could see it written in block caps, but all lower case?
The stallion went rigid as electricity played over his body a second,
"for a second"? Not sure if needed or not.
I rushed to the general and wished for the
three mares around the general.
"general" capitalized?
“Why weren’t you here?” “What were you off doing, Rampage? Fucking? Fighting?”
I don't think there should be this closing and reopening of quotation marks.
The problem is if you had been here, the general wouldn’t have been hurt!
"general" capitalized?
shit if the Wasteland lives or dies. Not. Me.
Only one space after period after "not."
at the glowing smear that had been the captain.
"captain" capitalized?
Blackjack is alive! Report! Blackjack is-“
Second hyphen for dash.
the bridge mares scrambling away. “Shut,” she
Only one space after period.
“Mmm. not good.”
Second space after first period, capitalize "not."
She rolled the general on her back.
she began to compress the general’s chest with
"general" capitalized?
Breathe. Always distressing when you snap
Only one space after period.
And Rampage moved away so the Beige Bridgemare could take her place.
If you're capitalizing it, should the "the" be there?
cheeks as she used her weight to press rapidly on the general’s chest.
she turned the general’s head and felt along her neck
Suddenly the general gave a little gasp,
"general" capitalized?
The back of the pads was ripped open,
"backs" "were"?
“Get back folks, especially you Blackjack.”
"you, Blackjack."
The general jerked, coughed, and sucked
pad of her hoof to the general’s throat.
"general" capitalized?
They passed right on through,” A bridgemare reported.
"a" shouldn't be capitalized.
“I am going to personally pluck those two,” the general muttered with a groan
Which is why the general is going to indulge me
"general" capitalized? Also, period needed at end of sentence for the first one.
of me while others aren’t.” Her smile faded
Only one space after period.
A self destructive person doesn’t just
"self-destructive"
and fire crews are on,” reported one a red mare.
"reported a red mare" or "reported one, a red mare."
The general just gave her a look and moved on to the next ma
"general" capitalized?
“Blizzard, Galeforce and Sirocco are engaged with the Tower,
Serial comma needed after "Galeforce."
she shook her head, then addressed the brown coms mare,
Should "coms" be capitalized? "Nav" was, a little earlier.
In the state the fleet would be in if were routed, the Enclave would be wide open.
"if it were" or just "if routed"
“Let’s see some results,” the general said as
"General" capitalized?
Blasts from the raptors flickered over the surface like boiling green balefire.
"Raptors" should be capitalized.
The Castellanus lurched and turned so far that I grabbed Boo
"Castellanus" should be italicized.
What remained of the raptor fell like a flaming metal pipe to the ground far below.
"Raptor" should be capitalized.
Evasive maneuvers!” Ordered the general.
Needs opening quotation mark, there should only be one space after the quotation, "ordered" shouldn't be capitalized, and "general" should be, maybe.
The Castellanus began to move as I never imagined
"Castellanus" should be italicized.
flung the ship apart as the it dove and banked around the slaying beams.
"as it dove and" (extraneous "the")
two hundred years,” the general hissed. I watched in horror
"general" capitalized?
the bottom of one raptor, the green energy
"Raptor" should be capitalized.
inside the strongest enervation in the middle.
"Enervation" should be capitalized.
forehooves and the Castellanus banked hard the other way. “
"Castellanus" should be italicized.
piece by piece while the raptors struggled to get clear or get in
"Raptor" should be capitalized.
The Castellanus jerked hard, flinging both
"Castellanus" should be italicized.
the bridge. “We’ve lost turrets two, four, and six sir.
Should that be "ma'am"?
“No,” the general replied grimly. “That was a near hit.”
"general" capitalized?
I froze. I’d forgotten that the Tokomare wasn’t the sole source of power in the Core. The two hydroelectric dams that flanked the Core must be running the weapons. Cognitum was trying to get me to turn on the Tokomare for her! “Forget it,” I countered, and hit no. The instructions repeated several times.
The Castellanus jerked as another beam nearly touched it. “We’re slowing down. I don’t know how much longer I can evade,” the helmsmare shouted.
“Abandon ship,” the General ordered, but the surviving bridgemares remained at their station. “That’s an order!”
“We’d be dead fifteen seconds after leaving our posts, ma’am. Just like the Azimuth,” a mare protested.
I hissed into my broadcaster, “You have ten seconds and then EC-1101 is dust. Horizons goes off. You lose!” Nothing. At this point I didn’t even know if we were still connected. Then, new instructions appeared in my vision.
Spacing is off between these paragraphs: no blank line between paragraphs.
The Castellanus jerked as another beam nearly touched it.
"Castellanus" should be italicized.
ust like the Azimuth,” a mare protested.
"Azimuth" should be italicized.
I closed my eyes, swallowed, and mentally togged Y.
"togged" is a word, but I don't think it's the right one. "Toggled" or "Tagged," maybe?
of the bridge mares shouted, “Captain! Look!”
Umm . . . is she just confused and excited? Because the Captain is dead and the General at the conn.
Parts of the Core went started to go dark.
"Core started" (extraneous "went")
A minute later, a bridge mare reported, “Only the Azimuth was lost, sir.
"ma'am"?
Only the Blizzard, Galeforce and Sirocco report no significant damage.”
Serial comma needed after "Galeforce."
“I think that whatever happened down in the core might have knocked them out too.”
"Core" should be capitalized.
I watched the mare’s eyes unfocus as she listened, then widened in shock.
"then widen in shock."
“General…. You… I… they say you have been
Only four dots for first ellipsis. After it, either two spaces or "you" shouldn't be capitalized.
made the general slump as if she’d just been shot.
"general" capitalized?
“I don’t know, sir. Just that the order’s been repeated.”
"ma'am"?
"This General Storm Chaser,” she said grimly.
"This is General"
So glad you’re still alive.” Another soft laugh that precluded
Only one space after quotation.
simply fly in and stop him!” Storm Chaser said sternly.
Should have only one space after quotation.
The general stared at the communication
"General" capitalized?
“I’m sorry, sir. Our long range transmitter is out.”
"ma'am"?
placed in command of this exercise.” Hoarfrost’s icy voice
Should have second space after quotation.
voice dripped menace. “You can’t pick and
Only one space after period.
The general looked at the battle-wrecked bridge,
“I won’t risk the lives of this crew…” the general began.
"general" capitalized?
I did it right…If I
Two spaces needed after ellipsis.
“Sweet!” she started to dance
"She" should be capitalized.
Fluffy clouds… nice… and…” I frowned as I felt
Should have second space after quotation.
substantial and failed. My head popped free
Three spaces after period.
struggling to haul me up. Fortunately, she provided j
Only one space after the period!
Blizzard was taking her time. If she’d really wanted a body count, she would have taken a raptor inside the city itself.
"Raptor" should be capitalized. Also, should that be "Hoarfrost," not "Blizzard"? I can buy saying the ship was taking its time, but wanting a body count, and taking a Raptor to the city?
Through the middle. I gave them a kick
Only one space after the period.
- Bonus Editing: Previous Chapters:
- bonus editing: saddle bag => saddlebag; MoM, MoP, MAS, MoI, MWT, MoA => M.o.M., M.o.P., M.A.S., M.o.I., M.W.T., M.o.A.; M.A.S.E.B.S. => MASEBS; some acronyms skipped, as written in context.
1: curled up. Saddle bags full
9: The whole city was designed by the best minds at the MWT and Stable-Tec.
12: Grief counseling, interventions, MoP procedures.
15: But the MAS and MWT are a lot more complicated.
16: They don’t even need me at the MoI any more.”
17: It’s nice to be able to coordinate things with the MoP or MoM
‘MoM victorious! Four-year murder spree comes to an end!’ was the headline of a paper beside one of the bodies.
The Ministry of Morale reports that the notorious murderer known as the Angel of Death has been apprehended by MoM officers.
*not as sure, as newspaper, so would expect the standard, but it is in context, not speech or narration.
“I don’t think the MoA will need your mechasprites, Mr. Horse.”
19: Say there was somepony in the M.A.S. that had an idea they wanted to work out with the MoP.
23: According to documents obtained from the MoM at Hightower Jail and Shattered Hoof Penitentiary, se
Will she disclose her findings to the MAS and independent review?
*not as sure, newspaper, in this case an unpublished manusript
30: Maybe one in the MWT hub in Canterlot or Hoofington; again, nothing confirmed.
31: I fished around in my saddle bags for some Rad-X and even drank a little Rad-Away for good measure.
32: And when the others pressed the issue, she took it and stomped it to dust rather than let another use the MWT’s tech.
34: A bunch of symbols had been drawn on them; in particular, the locations of the freaky M.A.S.E.B.S. towers were all outlined in red.
35: You must understand that, for two hundred years, the Twilight Society has been responsible for Tenpony Tower and the secrets of the MAS hub. Many of my order believe this building to be the last remaining bastion of old Equestria. As such, they take anything to do with the MAS and its Ministry Mare very seriously.”
39: He was sentenced to execution… after being mentally rendered by MoM’s finest interrogators, of course.
41: On the other hoof, there was a red tunnel in the M.A.S.E.B.S. buildings.
45: “The MoM was notified of a Ministry Mare trespassing on a crime scene. You have no idea how glad I am that it was you.
47: Graves took them and slipped them into her saddle bag.
53: There were a few desperate sobs from the west, somepony in the Manehattan MAS hub trying futilely to get some kind of organization effort going.
“Besides, the MWT is urging more emphasis to be put on defensive applications, like power armor.”
54: The kind of zebra that would have been snapped up by the MoM had he been around a few years later.
55: “--have to make sure that Clovertail remains on the ‘exclusion’ list at the MoM.
If Pinkie Pie arrests one more vital member of the MWT…” the stallion grumbled.
56: Not even the enchantments of the MAS had spared it from colossal devastation.
61: She approached a door where a mare and stallion in pink MoM uniforms stood attentively.
Finishing up, thank you, Somber, and all the editors. I'm happy to hear that you have some money coming in from work, and I share your hope that the paperwork moves through quickly and you can get back to teaching, or subbing as the case may be. Likewise, I'm delighted to see the broad outpouring of support.
Last edited by Icy Shake on Mon Nov 11, 2013 1:25 am; edited 2 times in total
Icy Shake- Alicorn
- Posts : 1209
Brohoof! : 308
Join date : 2012-06-05
Age : 35
Location : Boston, MA
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by WavemasterRyx Mon Nov 11, 2013 12:51 am
Well unfortunately I'm not going to be able to read the new chapter tonight, far too worn out from moving, but I'll definitely be looking forward to it tomorrow.
*hugs Somber gently*
*hugs Somber gently*
WavemasterRyx- Hydra
- Posts : 599
Brohoof! : 376
Join date : 2012-05-09
Age : 39
Location : Happyhorn Gardens
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Mon Nov 11, 2013 1:01 am
- Chapter 62a Commentary:
Darn. Guess that was too much to hope for.The only thing that marred her delightful appearance was the gray stump of her absent wing.
You say that like it's inconceivable that you might end up riding Shadowbolt Tower to the ground. Seriously, though, it's not a bad backup plan. If BJ ends up on the surface for any reason, she's got little chance of getting back up here."We’ll meet back at Moonshadow’s lab if this works out. If not, back at Star House.” That was a chilling thought… that things might go so badly that… no. I wouldn’t think about it.
Ironically, this would not significantly impact her love life.“Knowing my luck, the professor’s killing joke will get out and turn me into a stallion.”
And once again I can't help but wonder whether this is simple attachment or prescience.We finally began to part ways when Boo suddenly darted for me. She slid on her belly and grabbed my rear hoof in a bear hug. “Boo? No! Go with Glory. Glory, Boo!” She stared up at me with wide pale eyes, and I sighed, turned around, and ruffled her mane. “It’ll be dangerous.” Boo wrapped her legs around my neck and held me tight.
There's a point of diminishing returns when it comes to the theory that someone is playing you.Finally, the general said in slow, even tones, “You are either the smoothest, most dangerous operative I have ever met or the unluckiest spawn of a mule in the history of Equestria. Or worse, you might be both.”
That would be Littlepip, right?The General sighed, “After some of the reports I’m getting from out west…”
I'm facepalming and laughing at the same time.“Dirt pony barbarian,” one of the stallions muttered.
“Yup. And don’t you forget it,” Rampage replied. Then she reached over and, before he could dart away, grabbed him and kissed him hard. His eyes shot wide and his wings popped out to either side. “Want me to show you how we get down and dirty on the surface?”
Potential way around the "cloud computer" problem? Use one of their feather-protectors as a sylus?A dozen unarmored pegasus mares in a semicircle deftly worked glowing control panels made of rainbows and pressed keys with their pinions, the feather tips protected in purple plastic.
Don't think I didn't see what you did there.“Azimuth, Helicity, Hurricane, Perihelion, Sleet, and Stratus Fractus will approach and take positions at 22AJ, 24RS, 34PP, 56TS, 57FA, and 88RD respectively.”
Oh crap. How high does the shield extend?If it hadn’t been for the spike in Enervation…
I kinda suspected...“Oh you son of a mule! That’s what you were talking about.” I swore as I glared at the display. “That wasn’t power armor!”
Bwahaha! Somehow, I knew that was how he would get offed...Boo ducked at the last second, curling up into a terrified ball as the stinger ripped through plastic and metal conduits above her.
One of which read ‘warning: high voltage.’
And I note that Lighthooves is still under the mistaken impression that the General is dead. Hopefully, that will be enough of a monkey wrench that his plans will fall apart.The General grunted, “Okay. That’s enough psychobabble. I’m not dying in the next few minutes. Get me up. There’s still fighting going on.”
Your line is, "Navigation is down. Helm is under local control."“Uh... navigation is... um... well, we’re still in the air, ma’am.”
Full up planes! Drop all ballast! Climb! CLIMB!But I knew exactly what that screaming sound was.
That's a good password.>Hoofington power grid access.
> Substation access
> Emergency shutdown SUB 8, SUB 10, SUB 12, SUB 13, SUB 19, SUB 20.
>Password: Thisisgonnahurt
There's one weapon that you never lose until your engines get shot off...“Our weapon systems have been damaged. We will have to fall back until we can make repairs. Castellanus acknowledges the Enclave’s orders.”
Fasten your seatbelts, folks...It was impossible. No pony could do it. There was no way.
Unless…
Oh!
Oh shit.
Slightly surprised she didn't throw BJ like Shining Armor and Cadence. Oh well.“Pull!” And then two metal hooves clanged against my backside and launched me into the air.
Bwahahaha... oh god, the mental image...A second later I heard her shout, “Boo! No!”
Fingers fingers fingers fingers fingers!I frowned as I felt my forehooves start to slip as I was tugged downward. “Fluffy… fluffy… come on!” I said as I swung my legs hoping to grab something a little more substantial and failed.
Huh. Fill in another odd data point. By this time, I wouldn't actually be surprised if she turned out to be an angel that descended from Heaven to help BJ out.So close, Enervation sounded less like a scream and more like… something else. It was almost a machine noise. A staticy note that plucked at my heart. I checked Boo, afraid she’d be coughing up blood, but the blank just blinked back at me, cocking her head in confusion. “Huh. Guess it’s not just a cyberpony thing after all.” Well, that was the second bit of good news I’d had today.
Woo! New catchphrase! Though I still like "Time to ante up."I looked into the dark interior of the Tower. “Time to double down,” I said, smiling as I imagined Lighthooves listening in and watching me check my ammo for Vigilance.
...am I the only one nervous about leaving the door open behind them? Not that any of the baddies seem to have trouble getting in here...
- Editing:
Take the s off of "bombs" or "blows".Balefire bombs blows bits of Hightower across the landscape while flaming ghouls tried to kill us all?
Remove "in".Glory glanced at me; in her eyes played host to dancing doubt and uncertainty, but then they hardened.
Don't want.“Take care of yourself. I finally got back my cute gray mare. I didn’t want anything else to happen to her,” I murmured in her ear.
"sagged a little, but then". Also, she gave a heave, not a heft.Glory sagged a little but then gave a little heft and carried her along.
"On the bridge", and either replace "were" with a comma, or making "working" and "pressing".In the bridge were a dozen unarmored pegasus mares in a semicircle deftly worked glowing control panels made of rainbows and pressed keys with their pinions, the feather tips protected in purple plastic.
systems, though“It doesn’t seem to be trying to access any of the ship systems though.”
There probably should not be a space between 88 and RD.“Azimuth, Helicity, Hurricane, Perihelion, Sleet, and Stratus Fractus will approach and take positions at 22AJ, 24RS, 34PP, 56TS, 57FA, and 88 RD respectively.”
"in a roughly hexagonal"Spheres popped into view in roughly a hexagonal arrangement, covering altitude as well as arc of flight.
anti-air“Castellanus, Cyclone, and Lightning will advance and target the Tower’s anti air defenses, breach the Tower at five thousand, four thousand, and three thousand feet, and secure the weapon."
Steal, not still.I felt a quiet horror still over me as I slowly walked towards the display before the captain’s chair.
This sentence is rather convoluted -- you have an appositive to an appositive. I'd unwind it as, "Blue beams, like lines of crackling lightning out to weld the heavens, were lancing out from the corners of the tower near the crown and halfway down the side. Not the Core's weapons, but something I'd never seen before."Blue beams like lines of crackling lightning out to weld the heavens, not the Core’s weapons but not something I’d seen before either, were lancing out from the corners of the Tower near the crown and halfway down the side.
Continuity warning! She put Vigilance in the locker when she came on the bridge. Granted, her sword can cut through a locker like it was made of cheese, but she'd probably better do so before she starts shooting things. Alternately slice the cyberpony's eyes with her sword, but make sure you mention her grabbing her gun before she leaves the ship.At least, they did before I put one round from Vigilance into each of them.
Get back, folks. Especially you, Blackjack.“Get back folks, especially you Blackjack.”
interest in and capability for. Also, get rid of that excess quote mark.Granted, I had every interest and capability in killing him if we met face to face, but why single me out over any other Raptor?”
chastisementA chastising that is long overdue, to be sure,
Should be "with flaccid hisses".the bizarre plants dropping one by one through the clouds as their air sacs burst with a flaccid hiss.
Don't you mean "rest of the Core"?It was the same glassy material as the rest of the Tower.
statickyIt was almost a machine noise. A staticy note that plucked at my heart.
That second smile should probably be, "my smile widening even more," or something like that.I looked into the dark interior of the Tower. “Time to double down,” I said, smiling as I imagined Lighthooves listening in and watching me check my ammo for Vigilance. Then, with a smile, I headed into the depths of Shadowbolt Tower.
SilentCarto- Alicorn
- Posts : 1585
Brohoof! : 393
Join date : 2012-05-08
Age : 45
Location : Texas
Somber- Hydra
- Posts : 538
Brohoof! : 1046
Join date : 2012-05-09
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Moodyman90 Mon Nov 11, 2013 1:33 am
Okay, 12:30 AM. Do I actually want to start reading this tonight or save it for tomorrow.
Had to catch up on Murky or else I would have read this sooner.
Eh, I'll read the new chapter later. Let the mad rush die down and the minor corrections take place.
Had to catch up on Murky or else I would have read this sooner.
Eh, I'll read the new chapter later. Let the mad rush die down and the minor corrections take place.
Moodyman90- Draconequus
- Posts : 8257
Brohoof! : 163
Join date : 2012-05-09
Age : 34
Character List:
Name: Moody Blues/ Moodstone
Sex: Male/ Male
Species: Earth Pony/ Unicorn
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Mon Nov 11, 2013 1:50 am
@ SilentCarto: I caught that, too, but was unsure of the second letter of the second and fifth ones. Also, I can't believe I missed the new catchphrase! It fits so much better! (Even if it wouldn't apply as often.) (Also, I can't be the only one who thinks it's ironic how high the poker:blackjack ratio is, given, well, you know.)
@ Derpmind: With you on the scenery porn, though I only specifically called out the third one myself. But there was a lot of it.
@ Derpmind: With you on the scenery porn, though I only specifically called out the third one myself. But there was a lot of it.
- Addendum:
- On a higher level, I should have made mention of the very good ship-level combat, and I thank the other commenters for reminding me. The integration of the crew really helped to sell it, and laid the groundwork for the mutiny both occurring as the tension and quality description gave it meaning. Likewise, if it had been handled poorly, the long-range political coup would have felt like a dud; I'm happy to say that's not the case. However, I must say that it seemed like there were a couple times, notably when the General was down, when nobody took command, and, in fact, the whole bridge crew was away from its posts for an extended period, without it seeming to make a difference.
Parting note: I felt like the ship-to-ship and ship-to-base battle was handled better than it was in the Ender's Game movie, really selling the commanders as having plans and executing them, with definite reasons behind them and actual forethought. Granted, that's probably in part a medium and available-time thing.
Icy Shake- Alicorn
- Posts : 1209
Brohoof! : 308
Join date : 2012-06-05
Age : 35
Location : Boston, MA
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Mon Nov 11, 2013 2:15 am
New chapter! Not all that too much to say about this one, nothing super revelatory that I noticed, but here be my thoughts.
That's all!
- Spoilers!:
Explosions and things! I will be honest, as with the Fallout games themselves, I get less into combat the "higher level" it gets, in most stories. Of course there are exceptions, but, well, anyway, point is that I once again enjoyed the fightin' and feudin' a lot more than I expected to. Still wanted to see cuddles and dialogue with the main cast almost as much as I expect they wanted to, but, y'know, when isn't that the case? =P And the fighting was good, too.
Things I liked, in no particular order:
-Racewind. Fun minor characters dying done well, and it kept bring brought back up, which was good. Appropriately reverential.
-Brinksmanship with Cognitum over shutting down power to the weapons. It was clever, short but smart. I liked the scene.
-Psychobabble about Lighthooves. Made a lot of sense about his character. Not sure how well it fit with Blackjack, though, she's always seemed to understand how much of a mess she is but hasn't been actively suicidal for a good while. Ironically, it makes me want to know more about him and his family. It is kinda a structural problem with the story as a whole that some of this stuff just doesn't have time to be addressed, which is unfortunate but them's the unfortunate truths. Kinda makes me wonder about occasional short POV shift chapters, and whether or not the BJ-centric field of view is sacred to the story or not... Obviously I'm not you, Somber, so I can't say one way or another whether it'd be a good plan, but I do remember that a looong time back you considered stuff like this (albeit post-Blackjack's death) and that there WAS some alternate POV stuff back when BJ's friends were answering questions about her - their quotes were interspersed throughout the chapter. IIRC it was the one that had P-21 in the rain at the Collegiate - great chapter, really beautiful. Anyway, uh, yeah. I liked this bit and pined for more to have been about it, but that's stories for you. Sometimes the stories that don't get covered need their own separate stories, I guess.
-The plan, and not knowing the plan. Was it kind of artificial tension? Yeah, maybe. We can see inside Blackjack's head, after all. Did it work anyway? Hells yeah. Cliffhangers, man, always with the cliffhangers - that's the way. "Make 'em cry, make 'em laugh, make 'em wait." Four words, fifteen letters? I like Swicked's interpretation. Maybe "I ride the missile" ? Eh? Eh? Doctor Strangelove?
-Boo! Why is Boo along? What is Boo? Every time she escapes by inches or prevents catastrophe by inches, my god, it's so clear that there's something weird about Boopony, and it's only getting weirder. Unaffected by enervation, I think we maybe knew that already, coming along with Blackjack - and you KNOW that's not just Boo being Boo and not wanting to leave Blackjack, she is cleverer than that.
-As much as Rampage/Rampage is becoming frustrated and dangerously unruly of late, it seems like the other folks inside her head are becoming more... together. Not sure what to make of that - could be good, could be bad.
-Looking forward to Lighthooves' breakdown.
Uh, think that's about it! I may have forgotten or missed stuff, I was riding a pretty big caffeine/energy/somethingorother high while reading it and kept bursting into song and stuff (not sure what they put in that Starbucks doubleshot energy thing, first time trying it and it was very effective). Yeah. It was strange. But yeah! I liked the chapter, I could tell why you split it and I could tell that it was split, if that makes sense (although, again, it was a good place to split; cliffhang all the things and all that). Thanks for writing and editing, you guys! (My goodness there are a lot of you now) Arrivederci!
That's all!
Guest- Guest
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SparkyTheDiamondDog Mon Nov 11, 2013 4:38 am
First, that 'half' chapter was 9 shades of awesome and I liked ten of them. Second,
- spoiler:
- The entire sequence where the doc was in charge of Rampage while she was reviving the general, I read her lines in the voice of Sir Hammerlock
- spoilers and stuff:
- Right after the area: "Unless. . . Oh! Oh shit. I think the phrase "If I did this wrong a lot of ponies were going to die." needs a comma after "wrong"
SparkyTheDiamondDog- Blank Flank
- Posts : 3
Brohoof! : 0
Join date : 2013-11-11
Age : 27
Location : Hoofington tunnels
Character List:
Name: Sparky
Sex: Male
Species: Diamond Dog
Sponsored content
Page 15 of 31 • 1 ... 9 ... 14, 15, 16 ... 23 ... 31
Similar topics» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Page 15 of 31
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 15 Left_c10](https://i.servimg.com/u/f38/17/06/55/33/left_c10.png){kind=small}
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 15 Bar1010](https://i.servimg.com/u/f38/17/06/55/33/bar1010.png){kind=small}
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 15 Right_10](https://i.servimg.com/u/f38/17/06/55/33/right_10.png){kind=small}