Sister forum[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Jun 28, 2015 2:45 am
There's nothing special about the number 76 here that I know of. At the same time, though, I don't really see a need for the changes you speak of, and I do see some potentially bothersome work that would be needed to implement it; sorry. Of course, Somber may have a different opinion on this.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Wed Jul 01, 2015 4:02 pm
From my perspective, it looks like if there were to be splits, 62 would be a better candidate than 75. The thing about 75 is that there's really not much different between the two halves, and the split point seems fairly arbitrary; it doesn't strike me as obvious, for instance, why the defense of Chapel should be in one chapter, and that of Elysium in another, and the transition between them is if anything less pronounced than between some of the other mind-pool scenes. With 62, on the other hand, it's all dealing with the same battle for Thunderhead, but there's a clear delineation between them, as 62.1 is pretty much all outside/airspace/Thunderhead, where 62.2 is for all intents and purposes Shadowbolt Tower.
- Chapter Seventy Five Part One Running Thoughts:
- I’d just lost two more friends in the worst possible way, one forever and the other abandoned on the moon.
Sorry, Echo, you don't rate being counted.
If the Astrostable had survived… if it hadn’t collapsed into the crater or been buried by rubble, there was some chance that she might find it. I had to cling to that hope.
One encouraging sign is that it seemed that Rampage was able to see, at least intermittently. That should help.
She was alive and we were going to… we were going to… no. I had to keep it together. My people needed me…
I don't think that Blackjack has ever thought of anyone as "my people". Sure, Stable 99 she saw as her home, but not even in the strong sense, I think, that Glory saw Thunderhead as hers. But you know who used that a lot? Luna, and then Cognitum.
I’d thought that Cognitum was the one who had altered my body when she’d inhabited it… a sort of evil renovation. But alicorn souls seemed pretty darn powerful... Now I had to wonder if it had just been an effect of having Luna inside her, an evil, Nightmare Moon version of what had happened when I got my body back.
Well, I think some parts were likely Cogs, but others were certainly Luna's soul. Come to think of it, not sure if the same would have happened with Celestia's, since the body-changing shape shifting never appeared to be her thing like it was Luna's. The body possibly growing larger, and the flowy mane and tail, sure. The changed augmentations and armor, probably less so.
Maybe all this alicorn-ness was like a special suit of alicorn barding, and when I got my old soul back, I’d revert to just flesh and metal Blackjack? The magical projection could–
Okay, so some direct indication that at any rate Blackjack believes her body still has Luna's soul, and only Luna's. Also, yeah, some mental effects of different soul.
I had Luna’s soul inside me, but what precisely did that mean? I didn’t have Luna’s memories or magic. I couldn’t begin to imagine how one raised the moon.
Well, if we think about the alternate-universe version of your ancestor, the answer is, of course, poorly. :)
So where was my soul? Cohabitating in this body? Left behind in the blank? Was some Blackjack-ness keeping me… me? Or was Luna slowly tugging me towards being more like the ruler of Equestria she was two centuries ago?
Okay, so now she's doubting the soul-still-in-old-body hypothesis a bit more. But all possiblities fine, though should be noted others still exist, like Luna's bringing her to be something else than Luna 200 years ago, due to the torment and Cognitum since.
The fact I was wondering these things at all scared the fuck out of me, and the amount of stuff I was trying not to think about was reaching unmanageable levels. I’d given up so much… lost so much… This didn’t feel right. These weren’t my thoughts. I didn’t deserve these wings. Just like Luna had felt she hadn’t deserved the throne…
I dunno. A lot of that seems pretty Blackjack-normal. I suppose she tended to think more about her losses, or of thing taken from her than of herself giving them up, but even there you had at least the extreme example of Blackjack undergoing the cyber-alicornization so nobody else had to, which she specifically thought of as a personal, intentional, and specific sacrifice.
“But the longer we were in the rocket, the nuttier she became… like convincing herself she had to do stuff. Rationalizing it to folks who already thought she shat moonbeams or who couldn’t care less so long as they got paid.”
I don't know about this. Seems to me it could just be Bastard's perspective, in that he didn't deal with her much before getting on the rocket. Because pre-Luna Cognitum did a lot of that junk herself, only rationalizing more to Blackjack, someone who would be exceedingly unlikely to go along with her crap anyway.
Now, killing the foal’s parents… sure. I’ve definitely done that before. Nothing ridiculous, of course. I don’t do those ‘rape and dismemberment’ deals. Too messy and likely to go wrong.”
Man, is that a callback to the Megamart contract postings ("kill and defile, defile and kill") way back in chapter five?
“So glad you’re a professional murderer,” I muttered darkly, wondering if it was a mistake to save him.
This seems a bit different for Blackjack, though I suppose she's become more attuned to the costs of saving everyone over time.
Dying for anything is something only morons do.”
My telekinetic backhand knocked him out of his seat, across the cabin, and into the far wall.
No, seriously, why would anyone think—regardless of their feelings on the merits of the issue—that saying that in that situation would be a good idea?
“You’re not a ‘professional’. You’re a raider with a sense of hygiene,” I spat in his face.
“So when I break a contract to save my life and help you, I’m scum, and when I don’t, I’m a corpse? Nice,” he replied evenly.
That was a kick to the nethers of my righteous indignation.
I have trouble seeing why it would be. He's actually making a fairly insulting equivalence between dying for a cause and dying rather than surrendering in the course of a hired job. And it's obvious that his contracts don't mean the same thing to him as the griffins' do to them.
I think maybe the real issue here is that Blackjack is still easily distractable and she lost the thread of the conversation when he threw up that chaff.
Really, he had a frame similar to Stygius, P-21, and Glory... and… and… Now he started to look a bit alarmed. “Fucking what? If you’re going to hit me again, get on with it.”
Fucking… that was it! I wasn’t sexually aroused or interested in him at all! There wasn’t that little part of me wanting the comfort and bliss that came with sex. I mourned P-21 because he was my friend, not because I’d lost a lover. There should have been… something! Sure, it had taken me a few hours to get with Stygius, but that was coming off of sexual trauma, and I was worried about killing him. I should be snogging Bastard. Flirting with him, at least… but… nothing. He left me cold. My emotional reset button wasn’t just not working, it appeared to have been removed completely.
Some stuff all kind of mixed and muddled together here. I never expected that Blackjack would particularly mourn P-21 on the basis that he was someone she had sex with, that form of "lover." After all, that would apply equally to Daisy, Caprice, and plenty of others as well. Yet saying she mourned the loss of a friend doesn't seem quite right either, or not comprehensive, if you think back to the contrast between her parting with him and Rampage. May need to provisionally take this as not particularly touching on a romantic or familial side at all, given the heavy focus on appearance, the reset button, and grouping Stygius along with P-21 and Glory. That said, to whatever extent Luna's influence increases over time, it's also possible that the exchange with P-21 before leaving him weren't quite the same person as is now thinking this.
Damn it! Thinking about P-21 made me choke up. Thinking about Rampage made me want to hit something. Damn it… why couldn’t I just win for once? One solid, inescapable, undeniable, Blackjack-gets-what-she-wants win without paying for it in blood and tears? Why? It wasn’t fair. Just once… Just…
Crap, I was crying.
Well, Blackjack clearly isn't all gone! That, or there's a lot of overlap between her an Luna.
First Glory… no! Not Glory! Glory was alive! She was. She had to be. She was going to hold me in her hooves and tell me everything was going to be okay. She’d figure all this out. And I’d never, ever, stray from her again.
And, in relation to the thing earlier, this appears to be only companionate, not sexual.
“Nothing has stopped her. Nothing will stop her. She cannot give up,” Goldenblood answered, and then the hoof twisted, making something in his body crack. “You should know. Your own prophecy says that she will defeat this city.”
“Yes… prophecy…” the Legate purred. “I’m honestly not sure myself if the prophecy of the Maiden of the Stars is true. Oh, it was unquestionably useful. It kept my own superstitious people aligned and allied. Earned me respect and cooperation. But is it true? A Maiden of the Stars, coming down to destroy this heart of sin? Did I predict it, or simply construct a convenient lie?”
It really is an interesting thing that there's such disagreement among the zebras, probably most notably Sekashi, whether such a prophesy even could be false. The other Starkatteri sure seem to believe at any rate that it is true, I thought, including the prophet Pythia. But I do have to wonder why Sekashi was so sure it couldn't be a lie, and whether that was premised on him being merely Starkatteri, rather than everything else as well.
“Straight down. With a velocity far higher than that of a straight shot,” Goldenblood finished. Then he asked, “Is that despair you’re feeling?”
The Legate threw him aside, glaring at the spot where Tom had disappeared over the western horizon. “Finishing off this pathetic world shouldn’t be this difficult,” he muttered, his eyes narrowing. “I’m not beaten yet. I still have one last contingency.” He glanced over at Goldenblood, and his confidence returned. “After all, I couldn’t be sure that Cognitum would succeed.”
“What are you going to do?” Goldenblood asked.
“What any good leader does at times like this,” he said as he gazed back out at the Core. “Get help.” I waited for him to elaborate, but all he did was look down at the Core and smile. Was it me, or did the distant tempo of the fighting and screams increase?
Okay, so the Tenpony plan was actually separate from the Tom plan entirely, perhaps. It's not that he needed to move the Tokomare for either the old or new trajectory; it's that it was meant as an alternative to capturing Tom at all. Maybe. Would explain why the trigger hadn't been pulled on the Tenpony plan so far, even as the prep had been done.
Perhaps, somehow, Horizons will fail, and my plan will be thwarted.
Okay, so it's not entirely independent then, if Horizons could still fail. But in that case, what is he trying to accomplish with Horizons? Why does he need to raise the Tokomare, but didn't need to before?
“We tried that,” Libra said. “Remember? When we got between the tree and it, it just moved out of alignment and opened fire.” The white pegasus glowered out of the hole. “I’d thought the Brood were supposed to be dumber than an Enclave general.”
Hey, man. Not all Enclave generals. ;D
He waited for a count of ten, then drew an arrow from the quiver on his back. Aquarius was a smart kid. A little negative… but he knew shifting forces. He was a great Zodiac. Sagittarius would take his 'maybe' over anyone else's 'definitely' any day of the week.
Yep, so Blackjack can still read minds she's in now.
She glanced at the three ghouls. “Any ammo left? At all?”
“Sorry, all out of corpses,” Snails said mournfully. “Those skeletons didn’t work out so good.”
“It’s okay,” the zebra said, glancing over at Carrion.
You know, given her whole curses thing, I wouldn't be surprised if Xanthe had a rough time getting used to working with a necromancer.
Also, it's interesting that she seems to be the de facto leader of that group. Though I guess that's not really Carrion's deal, and neither Snails nor Silvy is really 100% with it.
“And you’re not going to last much longer one way or another,” the griffin added. “How much RadAway do you have?”
Xanthe clenched her jaw, tasting blood in her mouth. “I… ran out fifteen minutes ago,” she whispered, like uttering a shameful confession.
The downside of lying about how much you had before. But then, that was the point, wasn't it?
“The Brood aren’t ghouls too, are they? I mean, they’re like cyber zebra unicorn pegasi thingies with all kinds of crazy powers, but they’re not ghouls too, are they?”
Xanthe, Snails, and Carrion shared a look. “Uh, no. They’re not ghouls too,” Snails said dully.
“Right! ‘Cause that would be, like, totally cheating,” Spoon said brightly.
Damn I love Silver Spoon's dialog.
“Well then, we get inside the reactor first, and then blow it up! You don’t need to be so totally geek about it.”
Xanthe took on a softer tone. “Silver Spoon, it’s an operational reactor. It’s on. It’s a huge conflux of magical energy. I know you absorb radiation, but even ghouls have a limit.”
Silver Spoon snorted. “Well, duh. That’s what I do when I hit my limit. I make stuff explode! So I’ll just make the inside of the reactor explode. Simple.”
“But… you’ll die…” Xanthe said dully.
Silver Spoon turned away. “So? I die. I’m, like, already dead. And anypony who’d care is dead too. So, like… what’s the difference?” She sniffed, glowing green tears trickling down her cheeks. “I miss back when all I had to do was find Tiara. I wish I could have found her. She’d… well… she’d miss me. She’d be rude about it… but she would.”
It's a real contrast to Hightower when Silver was first brought back, with Blackjack volunteering her to risk her life for something she didn't understand and under false pretenses.
“Thank you, Silver Spoon,” Xanthe said with a gentle, honest smile. “I’m sorry we couldn’t find Diamond Tiara.”
“Well… it’s not surprising she rushed on ahead of me. I was, like, always catching up to her and stuff.” She swallowed and turned away. “G…goodbye, all of you.”
Aw fuck. :'(
The white pool exploded before me, the name echoing in that vast emptiness that was my blank head. I’d wronged Silver Spoon, tricked her twice and used her for my own ends.
Okay, even I, as the most vocal accuser of Blackjack on this point that I am aware of, never had a problem with the first time. Objecting to that one requires going full lawful stupid. Unless there was a third time besides the original Boneyard and getting her to join up for Hightower?
The Reapers reaped a bloody batch of Brood.
Holy alliterative author, Batman!
Suddenly, knots on the surface of the tree swelled grotesquely, glowing bright red, and then exploded like blazing pustules, vomiting forth incendiary pus over his back and into the screaming, writhing masses of Brood.
So, can dragonhide keep out Flux? Otherwise, some unpleasantness could be in his near future.
Okay, whole thing with Candlewick is pretty awesome. The effects the potion has on his perception do a great job of keeping things interesting and maintaining tension even as it's pretty clear there's no external threat from the Brood while he's in that state. And to top it all off, he's brought back down by Dazzle finally making the move that he can't due to his self-esteem problems and clearly having been held down by indoctrination and abuse? Yes please!
But Candlewick looked past them to where Toaster watched the gathering, a nasty smile on his face. Candlewick could only see out of one eye, but he glared straight at the scorched and battered stallion. “No,” he croaked loudly, tasting blood. “Don’t you fucking dare, Toaster!” The scarred stallion’s eyes went wide as Brutus and Hammersmith whirled on him.
“Do what?” Brutus asked as he glared at Toaster. The appliance-bedecked stallion’s eyes popped wide as everyone regarded him.
“Nothing!” he said, grinning at Candlewick and struggling to keep it from a snarl. “He’s fucking crazy after that shit, right?”
“He planned on finishing all of you off and taking–”
“You fucking idiot!” Toaster suddenly screamed. “We could have had it all, bro!”
Finally! It's taken long enough, but at last he's found the strength to do the right thing! And it feels great. Toaster was never a deep or complex character, but he sure hit the right buttons to be hateable.
“No one’s going to follow you after they hear what you wanted to pull here,” Storm Front added.
Toaster’s pupils contracted to pinpricks. “No. Fuck you. Fuck all of you!” He hit a talisman on his chest, and the toasters began to jet their flame. “Annihilate! Incinerate! Obliterate!”
No “ANULIATE!”? Well, just goes to show there are better alternatives to Toaster even by the metric of angrily screaming destruction verbs while attacking.
“Infurigate… in…blasty… gate…” he trailed off as the flames died, the blackened body taking a few more feeble steps, chunks of bone peeking through the charred muscle.
Okay, so he made an attempt. Still, don't think I can give it to him, and he loses points for making up words while being burned to death instead of just because he could.
When Scotch calmed, she rubbed her snotty nose and bloodshot eyes and errantly blew the former in my wing. Cognitum’s fancy schmancy rocket had gravity, unlike the other one, preventing snot meteors from floating all over the place. My mane stood up on end… but hey, I could live with a little snot.
And, well, she's already peed on you before, and you handled that well.
Dealer... he’d died so perfunctorily I’d barely noticed and hadn’t thought of it till now!
Well, a little bit. But not much.
Slaves killed in Fallen Arch. Reapers killed by Rangers. Rangers by Reapers. My sister! My stable! I couldn’t stop it! Couldn’t stop it! Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!
I like that touch. And of course the personality overlap, particularly where guilt is concerned, enables them to flow into each other, or their aspects anyway, well, or simply be hard to tell apart in some cases.
“Look, when you get that pump going, go talk to Calliope outside. He’s probably got more things for you to do.”
Heh, I like how that can actually work for a male pony's name.
“It’s not good enough!” Storm Chaser cried out, tears on her cheeks. “Don’t you understand? Ever since I came to this damned place, I haven’t been a good enough leader. Too many mistakes. Too many things I allowed to get ahead of me. Ponies have died because I couldn’t do what needed to be done! The Enclave failed. I failed.” She shook her head, then bowed it. “These ponies don’t need me. They need a leader like you.”
Wow, going right to the one apropos of the crisis Lunajack was having, huh? Well, sometimes Blackjack does need an anvil dropped on her to shape up. Or a boat.
“Yeah. I am pretty awesome,” the ghoul replied as she leaned down towards her. “Except you’re forgetting one thing: I failed too.” Storm Chaser’s smile faded as doubt entered her eyes. “I fucked up one end to the other. I gave my loyalty to Equestria, when I should have kept it with my friends.” She glanced at the boxes. “I failed to really lead the pegasi when I was needed most. Ran away instead. I failed and I died... and I failed at that, too.” She sighed and brushed back her hoof, shedding a few strands of mane. “These ponies don’t need a leader from the past. They go with me, they're headed in the wrong direction. They need a leader who can carry them forward. Somepony they know and trust.”
Okay, so covering the "everybody fucks up" base, but also spelling out both what Lunajack needs to be and the opportunity she has because of all Blackjack's accomplished. And friendship lesson.
Rainbow knows how to go out with a bang.
The pool in my blank’s mind exploded in a rainbow-colored flash. She was gone, and in the back of my mind, six tiny speechless ponies held each other, a tiny pink pony and yellow pegasus sobbing against each other while three others comforted a tiny, stunned, blue pegasus. Then said pegasus cheered how awesome it was, and my brain got awkward.
Well hey, it wouldn't be Rainbow Dash if she didn't take the chance to cheer for herself. And she
deserves it here.
But no reflecting on everything Rainbow had to say to Storm Chaser? Well, she's off the mattress, so even if that's not what did it, probably got what she needed.
“How bloody hard is it to find a sodding great purple...”
Well, if you need a particular one, it could get difficult sometimes. But not there, of course.
The purple eyes fell again. “I’m afraid of turning back into what I was. A murderer.” She rubbed her face with a wing. “I don’t want to be that again.”
Crumpets frowned. “You’re still stuck on that rubbish?”
Especially with her, it's not entirely rubbish. Ignoring sniping generally, and the O.I.A. years, Macintosh alone could be enough to stick with her forever, making her always question her own judgement. Add to it how everything had been based on a religion that had been yanked out from under her, and that's a lot to get over.
"Ow. Bloody nora. Now, let me lay this bollocks to rest right now. Was Big Macintosh a murderer?” Psalm stared at her for several seconds, then shook her head. “What about the rest of your squad way back when?”
Well, before they broke up? Not really. Since? I don't think Vanity was, or Twist. Echo less so, until trying with Blackjack. Jetstream gets off on an insanity defense, but Doof, Stonewing, and Applesnack have good cases against them.
I wonder if it was a good thing that everything was done from Blackjack's point of view, so that all the whining seemed to be coming from her. Because right now everyone is getting in on the action. :D
“Yeah, he’s a good stallion, and he likes you. Accept your good fortune and don’t think about what you deserve, you big bloody turkey.”
“He doesn’t like me. He likes... her,” Psalm murmured as she sat up. “He likes Lacunae.”
“And you’re not her. I mean, she was a moanin' misery like you, but she got off her arse and did something to help. Even still, he likes you too. You got that whole ‘alicorn mare of good breeding’ vibe going that’s right up his alley. And you can fight. And you care. That matters more to him than anything,”
All good things to like. And you have to give it to him, when you contrast that situation to the one of Dazzle and Candlewick, at least Stronghoof was willing to make direct advances well before now, where it seemed like Dazzle was instead at best trying to get Candlewick to make a move.
And for all that Crumpets is right about so much, it's hard not to remember how much of Psalm's life has been different forms of rejection and loneliness, and even self-sacrifice in service because the people she cares about deserved better than they would get by staying with her. I mean, that goes all the way back to her time at the orphanage. And it's actually remarkable that her major hangup isn't that she's worried that Stronghoof would use her, like Goldenblood did, and Luna, easily I think two of her most important relationships, in different ways. Interesting also to think about what if anything she felt regarding Big Macintosh and Maripony, whether she started feeling for him after they'd started their relationship or before, and if before, whether she regretted not making it known (assuming she didn't).
“Luna wasn’t able to forgive me before she died...”
Crumpets put her hoof on Psalm’s mane. “The only forgiveness you really need is from ponies who love you, and yourself. So, what do you say? Are you a soldier who is ready to help her friends, or an ex-murderer who cares about nothing else than hiding from her own conscience?”
But there's the chance for that now. And, quite likely, for Luna to ask Psalm's.
The two could actually look similar, especially if you loosen "nothing else" even just a little bit. But I'm not even sure she was avoiding her conscience; it seems more like she was induging herself in wallowing in it.
“No. If we get anywhere near Medical, I just know Nurse Sexual Healing will try and give me a sponge bath. With her tongue. In front of everypony.” She gave a little shudder. “And she wasn’t even a Stable 99 survivor. I think there’s just some kind of perverted aura to this place or something.”
[Her very next line]
“Oh, bugger me,” Crumpets murmured in shock.
Yes, yes, I know it's a completely different meaning. But I still think it's funny.
Psalm moved like a ballet dancer, swinging the rifle from one Brood to the next, the bullets tearing through eye sockets and out the back of skulls. And when one bullet didn’t work, a second one would take the other eye. “Please, forgive me for being afraid,” Psalm murmured between every shot. “Please, forgive me for being late. Forgive me for the blood on my hooves. Forgive me for being me.”
I like the new prayers. She's still herself, but has directed her devotion somewhere a bit more in line with the show's ethos. Also good to show Psalm doing the sniper thing better than Blackjack (who pretty much always took two shots on Brood, even with Penance), but while I'm sure at points Lacunae may have been described as graceful in motion, I'm not aware of that ever having been Psalm's thing. Maybe the new body helps.
“You have issues. You two are really made for each other,” Crumpets muttered as she fired off round after round in Psalm’s wake, protecting the alicorn’s flank as they rushed towards the huge musclebound stallion.
"Issues" is so broad, though. And I don't really think that what Stronghoof needs is someone with crazy intense and persistent devotion, who sees him as a beacon of light and goodness in the world. I mean, that's not to say he doesn't have those qualities, but acting like the world is one where the shining knight belongs has got him in trouble before, even if at other times it's worked out. I suppose he might like having someone like Psalm rather than the wet blanket keeping him (and the people around him) alive that is Crumpets. So yeah, they could complement each other in some ways, based on what we've seen, but of course Crumpets has a better idea of him than the reader. Should note, though, that in terms of amplifying or working off of each other, from what we've seen there's more there with Blackjack than Psalm.
His magnificent body, even glazed in sweat and blood from a dozen scrapes, seemed to sparkle in the midst of the carnage.
Psalm rushed towards him. He spotted her, and his eyes were dragged away from his enemy as he gazed at her. They widened and softened as for a moment the battle was no more, and he stretched a hoof towards her.
Then his body jerked as a half dozen bullets tore into him.
See, that's kind of the thing I was thinking of there. He's easily distracted, by his love, by himself, by what he wants things to be like. And it's unfortunate for him that we've reached the point in the story where things stop playing nice for him and instead he just gets shanked or shot in a moment that earlier would have created something of an eye in the storm for the two of them.
And similarly, Psalm doesn't seem on the top of her game, what with not teleporting to him from the start or using shields (though it's possible that as Psalm rather than Lacunae she can't do the shield, I'm not sure off the top of my head).
Penance rose up on her left, and on her right, she lifted a weapon from a fallen defender. She shook the mortar dust off the tool, a few small pebbles that had lodged in it clattering to the ground, and pulled the trigger. The motor whirred for a moment, and then the minigun began to sing.
Using the weapons of both Lacunae and Psalm. Nice.
Psalm didn’t seem to register the words as she yanked over another Brood body for a shield and cycled its gun into her floating collection, then began building a wall of gore when the individual reinforced corpses were no good at protecting her.
A WALL OF DEADBARDSBROOD!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Ohk5Swy-04
It's just so perfect.
Psalm didn’t seem to register the words as she yanked over another Brood body for a shield and cycled its gun into her floating collection, then began building a wall of gore when the individual reinforced corpses were no good at protecting her. A unicorn attempted another teleport, this one with four frag grenades in tow. The stems were pulled, but Psalm grabbed the Brood in her hooves, magically clustered the grenades together, and shoved the unicorn and grenades against the wall, the former covering the latter. The explosion showered her in gore and metal, but she hardly broke stride as she returned to slaughtering any who approached the gap, the alicorn awash in the blood of her foes.
See, I like the intensity and everything she's bringing here. But where is the method coming from? I don't remember Lacunae's fighting style being much like this, so I don't think that personal memories would cover it, and it doesn't seem so much like the kind of stuff a pretty dedicated sniper would be doing. It actually seems more like Blackjack's fighting style than what I'd expect for Psalm. Picked up some ideas from her, maybe? Just the adrenaline rush?
Crumpets, hit once or twice by errant shots, pulled herself in front of Psalm and shouted in her face, “Evac! We need to evac now! Now, you sodding dodo!” She struck Psalm in the face again, but the alicorn didn’t stop fighting. “Damn it! Are you a soldier or a murderer?! Soldiers obey orders to pull back!” she screamed in Psalm’s face.
The consequence there is actually that Big Macintosh is a murderer, since he pulled that exactly in probably the first Marauders combat memory orb.
At last the purple alicorn glanced down at the two ponies at her feet, then she stared at Penance. “I’m... I’m...” she murmured as she bled. Then a Brood launched himself over the wall of corpses she’d laid, guns firing in a frantic effort to end her. Psalm’s horn flared as she swung the gun with all her strength, smashing it across the Brood’s face. The delicate talismans shattered as the scope’s lenses smashed, the barrel breaking off where it met the frame of the gun. The spray of gems, metal, and blood seemed to hang in the air for an eternity.
Sad to see Penance go, but it's a good moment for Psalm, especially given what she had to say about it earlier.
And another wonderful, unique, named weapon ruined! Why couldn’t ponies take care of… a tiny orange pony stared flatly at me at my thought. Okay, so I might have ruined a gun or two... three... four... okay...
I cannot think of a named weapon she broke, apart from Boomstick which she named herself and was far from unique. She lost several, at the very least the claw (twice), Folly, and the starmetal sword. But I don't think that any unique or named weapons broke under her care. Wait, there's Sexy. Never mind. So I count one, and that in battle with a high level boss.
Of course, as a tiny purple unicorn pointed out, Psalm had ruined hers on purpose.
Stupid, smug brain ponies who called me on my shit.
Was Twilight calling Blackjack out, or Psalm? Because by Blackjack's standards, it seems like intentionally breaking them would be worse than them being broken in the normal course of combat.
They no longer simply allowed themselves to be blasted to pieces. Now they moved in shifts, one battalion pouring on suppressive fire while the other shuffled forward a few dozen yards, stopped, took cover on the ground, and began laying down fire so the first one could advance; then that one would gain ground and stop, and the cycle would repeat.
Seems like treating them as super expendable wouldn't have been great even the first time around, given it still requires them to transport the corpse back to a bunker, run it through the tree, and get the new Brood back to somewhere useful again. That's time and other Brood that aren't being used for fighting.
Charity never gave anything for free if she could help it, and so she gritted her teeth and focused on the clipboards in front of her as colts and fillies raced to her.
Let's remember there's a good chance that that thought originated from Charity, not Blackjack.
A second later, there was a loud pop, and the clipboard, its center suddenly bulging towards her, flew into her face and snapped her nose. She bit her pencil in half from the blow and fell back, holding her bleeding muzzle with her eyes clenched shut in pain.
And see, it seems to me like a pony breaking their nose is probably a lot worse than a human breaking theirs.
“Oh dear,” croaked a voice as the dry, taut teal pegasus ghoul trotted to her. “This won’t do at all. I should call the royal guard. Beating up a filly! Have they no shame?” Harpica drew out a discolored teal handkerchief and began to clean Charity’s muzzle. “There there. Once you’re cleaned up, we’ll see Master Vanity. He’s quite nice and will see to it your parents are notified.”
Harpica to the rescue!
“No!” she yelled as she lunged after the ghoul, stretching a hoof out to her. “I can’t afford your life!”
It's a nice line and all, but why Harpica and nobody else? Is it just a timing thing, that Harpica came to her after everything was already lost?
“You owe the Crusaders and associated inhabitants of this community damages for bodily, material, and emotional harm! I’m going to sue the stripes off your asses!” The Brood didn’t fire, though there were more than enough guns on her to turn her to red foam. “You hear me! I’m gonna sue you so hard your grandchildren are gonna need a mortgage to buy a box of Abronco Detergent!” She slumped a little and muttered, “Damn it. How does Blackjack make it look so easy?”
Because she could personally back up the "under arrest" schtick, et cetera? Because when she went full anachronism, it was in the context of basically playing a pro wrestling character? Having charisma?
“Run along,” another continued in an identical tone.
“Tell the others to flee,” a third murmured as they all grinned at her.
“Back to their fortress.”
“Their sanctuary.”
“Their only hope.”
Charity gaped at them all. “You... you want us in the Core?”
“Oh yes,” a number of them said as one. “We need more children. Children always worked wonders for me when prompting powerful fools to action.”
And making it yet still more obvious the whole Core thing is a trap, and that the idea is to goad someone into doing something.
The tank let out a booming “CUUUUUNT!”, and the mayhem was squared.
And Deus is now a freaking pokemon. At least I remember this dropping fairly quickly as it was getting old.
“Take this, you striped fuckers!” Charity shouted. “I bet you wish you’d settled your debts now, don’t you?” she yelled as they ripped through the Brood battalions like a thrashing, grinding wrecking ball.
See, one of the problems here is that she's been bailed out at least three separate times, no, more like four, in just this segment, while doing basically nothing herself. Harpica, Precious, Winona, and Deus. Winona is as far as I can tell completely out of nowhere. So the shit talking comes off as the last thing she can do to project any kind of, well, anything at all. And she really, really can't back it up on her own or even with the community she helped build (and that with major contributions from the Blackjack Crew), apart from the bright spots where Blackjack was most directly involved. Blackjack brought Harpica (and was responsible for the Blueblood Manor windfall). Scotch Tape played the biggest role in bringing in Precious. Deus? Blackjack. The Halfhearts? Seems like they're there based on the overall plan which included setting up Chapel as one of the strongholds. That's not to say she and Chapel haven't done their share at other times, like the battle with Dawn at Blueblood Manor. But this is just so empty, and so not Charity's boast to make.
“She doesn’t care! He died, and she didn’t even shed a tear! She just went right into that head as if he didn’t matter at all!” she cried into his neck. “I hate her so much!”
So I get the anger and everything, and in times like that being fair isn't really the top priority. But she's really barking up the wrong tree here. It's not that Blackjack doesn't care, it's that when it comes to actually dealing with things like this, she runs away. And in this case, it means running away from Scotch as well, when she needs her. So same result, still reason to be angry, but incorrectly identified cause.
Icy Shake- Alicorn
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Wed Jul 01, 2015 4:05 pm
- Chapter Seventy Five Part One Overall Thoughts:
- Here we have another chapter whose focus is sharply divided between slices of time spent with Blackjack, Scotch, and Bastard on their return trip to Equus and a number of scenes following the battle in Hoofington. I believe that what is going on in the rocket is much more important than it was in chapter 72, though. There, yes, Blackjack, P-21, and Scotch were coming to terms with Glory's probable death, and covering what to do should any of them die, and the like. But it was among established characters who proceeded in line with what I'd come to expect. In contrast, this time around we're dealing with the newcomer Bastard, Scotch without the anchor of P-21, and a new incarnation of Blackjack, now an alicorn with Princess Luna's soul rather than her own (at least that seems most probable given the mechanisms used to get to this point, and is Blackjack's baseline assumption as well, but she has admitted the possibility that her soul is in her current body in addition to Luna's).
Out of them, Bastard is probably the simplest to think about since basically everything about him is new. What we see and hear is someone who, more than anything, just wants all this to be over so he can get back to his normal life of being a mercenary. He doesn't want to talk about himself, he doesn't want to get further tangled up with Blackjack or Hoofington, and he doesn't want to die if he can avoid it. But that said, he's very able to adapt as things come and pretty accepting of the fact he's in a situation that's out of his control. Comes up big when he just comes out and asks if Blackjack is going to kill him over insulting her friends, or hit him again, but also where he just doesn't see a point in worrying about if everyone is going to be dead the day after tomorrow. In some respects, he has a bit of the griffin contract morality, in that he tries to honor the agreements he's made where possible, but as is pretty obvious given the fact he's alive now, unlike the griffins he'll break them rather than die. He goes further than that, though, saying that being willing to die for anything at all is stupid, which was what got Blackjack to the point of assaulting him and wondering if letting him live was a mistake. So tact isn't a strong point for him. He talks a bit about how he sees himself primarily through the lenses of what he needs to do to live (he owes some very unpleasant people quite a bit), and how he handles his work. Says he tends not to kill kids, for instance, because the pay isn't usually good and there's a big risk of someone coming after you for revenge. But of course he'll kill kids' parents (be hard not to); it's all about what people will pay for and how much of a risk it will turn out to be. Besides with Blackjack directly, there are a couple other points where he has more input. He talks about Cognitum, and how it seemed to him that she got more unhinged over time after Luna's soul was added in; less focused on business, and simply what they were going to do, more on justifying her courses of action to people who already agreed with her or didn't care. It's possible this is accurate, but I suspect that it's just that he came to see her better as he spent more time around her. Long before Discord bonded Luna's soul to Cogjack, she was pretty off the deep end, and the spending a lot of time justifying herself to people matches well with how she was trying to get Blackjack to join her side (and featured her collection of bodies and talking about torturing children, because those are things that aren't going to make a hard sell to Blackjack next to impossible). The other is right at the end of part 1, where he is talking with Scotch and pretty much forced to be there for her to work out her problems with because Blackjack has been hiding in watching the goings-on in Hoofington. It's something he's obviously not comfortable with, and the moment he sees Blackjack is conscious, he tries to send Scotch off to Blackjack instead.
For Scotch's part, she's naturally having a hell of a time dealing with the loss of her father. She starts off in deep sadness, crying and clutching P-21's hat, the last thing he gave her. After Blackjack comes out of a vision saying that "they lived," she momentarily gets some hope before Blackjack has to break it, saying she was talking about people in Hoofington. It hurts Scotch, but after Blackjack starts to make a remark about not knowing how Glory got things out of her feathers (Scotch had blown her nose in Blackjack's), Scotch stepped in to change the focus of conversation to what Blackjack had seen happening on Equus, apparently being better at helping Blackjack (and indirectly herself) do the 99 not-thinking-about-it routine than doing it directly for herself. But soon after Blackjack blacks out from something like an anxiety attack, and we only really catch up with Scotch again after Blackjack had come to and then gone back to seeing what was happening planetside for a while. But when she's back, she finds Scotch is angry, and it's directed at her. And it's understandable; there's plenty pointing to her as the best available target for Scotch's anger and frustration. Most immediately, she's there. Not just physically there, but the last other member of her makeshift family (not counting Boo) whom she has pretty good knowledge of being alive and not trapped endlessly wandering the moon. P-21 is dead, Rampage is lost for the foreseeable future, Glory is hopefully not-dead in the denial sense more than anything solid, Lacunae's been gone for a long time. Okay, there were other people Scotch was close to, I'm sure, such as people at Chapel, but they didn't have the same functional relationship as part of that family, and didn't have even a tenuous connection to P-21's death. P-21 was on the moon, substantively, for Blackjack. He was on that mission because he was her friend, her lover, part of her crew, not so much because there were parts of the operation itself that really required him. Blackjack was there before he died, and she was the one who had Bastard take Scotch away, she was the one who wasn't able to free him or heal him, she was the one who left him there while Rampage stayed. But beyond that is the unfairness embodied by Blackjack herself. She got to cheat death so many times (and Glory had her own share of escapes), so why didn't P-21 get one (of course, that's not entirely accurate, given he defined himself as the stallion who was supposed to be dead, and wasn't)? Blackjack's pulled off the impossible time and time again, and just became a true alicorn of the sort their stable had worshiped as goddesses, surely more powerful than she'd ever been before, so why couldn't she this time? It's not too hard to understand how all their experiences together could lead to at least an implicit belief, a gut feeling that Blackjack could do anything she really wanted to and thus, when she didn't manage to save P-21, it means, as Scotch said, that she didn't try. Compounded by the fact that Blackjack tends to go through a numbed phase and had been escaping through watching friends in Hoofington, Scotch sees Blackjack as not just failing to have made the effort to rescue P-21, but not even caring about his death or Rampage's fate. This is unfair, of course, since Scotch almost certainly knows Blackjack better than that; but it's an understandable unfairness she needs in order to get through things right now. But Blackjack of course knows the truth of the matter: it's not that she doesn't care, but that she's too cowardly to deal with it if she has an alternative, too weak to face reality when there's something else she can pay attention to. And she does have that alternative, and has been taking advantage of it to the exclusion of helping Scotch work through her pain from her loss, and that's plenty of reason to justify anger, especially as she runs back into her visions right as Bastard calls attention to the fact she's awake when Scotch has been sharing her frustrations with him.
The key interesting point with Blackjack is not so much how she's reacting in itself, but the fact that she's on a new step in her series of ways she's losing who she used to be. From figuring out the horror of 99 to losing her home, progressive physical degeneration and persistent mental intrusions, becoming a cyborg and then cyber-alicorn, losing her cutie mark and being moved to a facimile of her body before it was so altered, she's had to deal with massive changes of many sorts while trying to maintain an identity. And now, she's back in her old body, but it's been changed immensely, not only with real wings now and the nebular mane and tail of an alicorn princess, but even her cybernetic augmentations have been reformed to make a more natural, seamless whole with her remaining biological parts. And it may even be troubling for her that that is the case, given the transformation is due to no longer having the same soul her mind has been packaged with almost continuously throughout her life and this story. And there are certainly changes in attitude, emotion, and behavior that are easily seen, so we're not just looking at a body and magic upgrade. Some are subtle: thinking of the people she's trying to save as "my people," for instance. Along the similar lines, other cases are less so, such as thinking about how she'd failed her sister, or various cases of things related to rulership. Some things have changed very little: Blackjack still wants action and distraction to get away from the more personal problems she's facing, for instance. If the scene before leaving him was an indication of how she is now, rather than merely the beginning of changes that become progressively greater the longer Luna's soul is in residence, then she likely still has a familial or companionate love for P-21, maybe even romantic, but she now lacks (or at least has much more muted or context-dependent) sexual feelings for him, and stallions generally. Where in the past, she was very sexually oriented for recreation, pleasure, or an emotional reset, that seems to be largely gone at this point. The question is how all of this will develop and affect other aspects of the story in the final few segments. Given an expected rapid finish and epilogue, there's a real possibility that Blackjack's changes here don't amount to much as she just dies soon after, or is restored to her original mind-soul combination, without much of the more personal level things in between as she's either on the rocket or taking care of business related to the battle. There are related plot lines that could be affected, besides the Legate and Eater, like how the loss of P-21 and having a very different experience of sex than before might affect a possible relationship with a still-living Glory. There is the matter of her pregnancy, though there's not quite the same direct point of before and after comparison there, at least with actual small children. How she deals with everyone on her side of the battle, whether as a ruler or mere focal point for them to unite around as before leaving. And of personal interest, it's possible that the soul change could play a part in enabling a fuller telling of Blackjack's cutie mark story and its significance, and perhaps what her talent really is (since I don't buy "victory" for a variety of reasons both in-story and out).
Okay, having done with the parts on the rocket, the actual bulk of the segment was on the ground in Hoofington, in several segments.
Goldenblood has been captured by the Legate, who is surprised that Tom isn't impacting now, and figures out that it's actually taking a looping path rather than a straight shot, which will lead to a vertical landing rather than running through the crust as he'd expected. He seems to believe that this change may lead to the failure of his plan, which was for the friction of the earth to slow down and weaken Tom, enabling capture by the Eater. I'm not sure why this is a problem, because that just means it should work the way Cognitum was expecting, with the F.A.D.E. shields fulfilling the same role. But in any case, the Legate says he has an alternative, and even if Horizons fails him entirely, he can't be stopped since he has an eternity to bring about the death of everything on Equus.
Then there are scenes with each of the strike teams going for the bunkers with trees of life. The first is the Zodiacs. It's probably the weakest of them, at least from my perspective, and it's not hard to see why. I don't have a reason to care about the Zodiacs. They're individually cool, and the whole themed assassin squad is interesting and everything. But they practically disappeared from the story for about forty chapters, and they don't have all that much going on. They don't have much of a plot line either together or individually that I can think of, and none of them ever had the time to really build up a relationship with Blackjack or someone in her party that would motivate that kind of reader engagement. Most of the strongest cases are dead (Gem and Mini, Taurus). So let's look at it. Their storyline was that they were after the bounty on Blackjack, and revenge at some points. But that was pretty much over once Deus was dead and the bounty defunct, and they were personally cool once Blackjack visited the Collegiate. Their shared goal is basically protecting and earning money for the Collegiate. And one of the problems here is that the main points of contact (and most characterization) related to the Collegiate wasn't among the Zodiacs; it was the professor and Triage, and that's true both in Blackjack's visits there and what we saw of Glory's time doing research. None of them was even a semi-long-term Blackjack companion, like Rampage or Psychoshy or even Candlewick and Dazzle. We never saw Blackjack check in on how they were doing in "Perceptions" like she did Candlewick. They don't have a quest/well defined and interesting group goal like Team Imaginary Friends, and they aren't characters readers will be expected to care about from the show like Rainbow Dash. I also can't think of much of a thematic connection between what's going on here and anything we saw of them before. For me, what I cared about most, beyond the basics of their success because it matters for the battle, is that Capricorn and Pisces make it out okay, because seaponies are cute and fun and I just like that they exist here. But that's really not the same as having a real connection to the characters or group as a whole. In any case they kill their tree, and mostly survive, but Sagittarius gets killed.
Then there's Team Imaginary Friend on another bunker, with Xanthe (and the stealth suit), Silver Spoon, Carrion, and Snails. The contrast is huge. Blackjack's spent al lot of time with Xanthe, Silver Spoon, and Carrion, even if the last of them kind of blended in to the crowd. Still, we got to know him as the strong, serious professional who was utterly dedicated to his contract, and once he was free of it killed his old master (and as the ghoul griffin who just up and made out with Blackjack out of fucking nowhere). Xanthe's been going through her whole "cursed" progression. She started out despondent and lost because of how she'd be exiled from the Remnant, but since then has come to actually emulate the Maiden who cursed her and in fact be a true believer in Blackjack and that what she is trying to do is the right thing. All while nursing the curse and being jumpy around Blackjack, of course. Silver Spoon has similarly had a real arc. Her difficulty in perceiving reality as it is and confusion of Blackjack for Diamond Tiara was used to save everyone after Scoodle's death. She was brought back with the same deception for the Hightower run, that time as a premeditated and much more morally dubious move, but over the course of her time there gained a much clearer view of the world around her. It was painful, as was coming to terms with the fact that she hadn't been reunited with her friend, but in the end she came to forgive Blackjack and decide to try to live in the present rather than the shadows of the past. They, along with Carrion and Snails, have formed a group of friends holding each other together and pursuing some of their individual goals. Both Xanthe and Silver have their arcs continue to progress in the bunker assaults. For Xanthe, knowingly pushing way past the radiation exposure she could really handle in order to eke out more time to fulfill her mission is a big difference from when Blackjack first met her, afraid and alone at Yellow River. Silver volunteers to enter the reactor to blow it up, surely meaning her own death, to complete their mission and to get Xanthe to let Carrion and Snails take her away before the ambient radiation ends up killing her. This time, she's knowingly sacrificing herself for her friends and her world, where before she was being put in grave danger under false pretenses and her dementia exploited. (It's also a final payoff for what I still think of as the most definite and deliberate wrong Blackjack's committed since at least the point when she was first brought back as a cyborg.) Should also not that the presentation here is very strong, with Blackjack finally seeing the world the way Silver Spoon does, with an illusion of the much more beautiful past overlaid on the bleak present. And her reunion with Tiara is heartbreaking.
With the third bunker assault, there isn't really the same degree of direct character ties to our main characters. Big Daddy is already dead, and Candlewick and Dazzle were only with Blackjack for a comparatively short time. However, this short time made a strong impact since it was a small group, Blackjack's focus wasn't spread out among a ton of new people or directed mainly at her long-term companions (who were absent), Candlewick played an important role in getting Blackjack to decide she needed to try to address her post-traumatic flashes linked to being raped on the Seahorse, and that small group's time together has been expanded on since. It's helped build links between some of the Hoofington gangs outside of the mere pacifying influence of Big Daddy and his Reapers, and past that Blackjack has been following up on them generally. We've seen the romantic tension between Candlewick and Dazzle, and how the potential for it to develop has been weighed down by the abusive and dominating leader of the Burner Boys, Toaster. We've seen how Toaster's ambitions could have huge effects on Hoofington after the battle is over, and the way that is dividing Candlewick's loyalty. There are stakes here that have been built up, so there's more to it than just if the tree is destroyed, which isn't in itself a huge point of anticipation because you pretty much figure that much is bound to happen. And the payoff to these threads that have been set up is pretty satisfying as there's a huge double-barreled release of tension as people finally do what they should have a long time ago.
Then comes a scene mainly between Rainbow Dash and Storm Chaser, in which they are dealing with a Tempest (basically an air elemental megaspell) wreaking havoc over Hoofington. Rainbow is an easy draw as a major canon character whose ultimate fate was left open in FoE, and this segment plays into both of those. Storm Chaser is a major pillar in what could I think fairly be characterized as Somber's project of fixing the Grand Pegasus Enclave, and an interesting and tragic figure in her own right. And a lot of the section is spent in dealing with issues currently facing Blackjack/Luna, rather than simply on defeating a monster. It's about moving past your failures and your guilt, and leading the way to a new and better future, rather than clinging to a past that had its chance and brought them, well, the Wasteland. No, what people need now is someone they know and trust who can take them forward, not a ministry mare from a world two centuries past. So, all stuff directly and immediately applicable to Lunajack, and laying out the options ahead of her.
Similar in theme is the scene focused on Psalm and Crumpets. Here, though, it's more about Psalm accepting the soldier aspect of who she is, and separating that and the good she can do by fighting from the ills at the O.I.A. and Shattered Hoof Ridge. In some respects, it seems too easily done, because from the very beginning Psalm perceived her combat role as sinful; simply pointing out that she didn't see all the other soldiers around her as murderers (even repeatedly over several chapters) doesn't strike me as really enough to overcome that pretty fundamental aspect of her character. So I suppose the way the decision to act and take up Penance once again being prompted by her romantic interest in Stronghoof helps there quite a bit, though the way that was prolonged did strike me as a product of the way the story was being told. Still, the transition from a generally peaceful if tense situation to all out warfare does serve as a strong reason to disrupt the status quo, even if it had been stuck for a long time. But also interesting here is that the way the scene plays out, Psalm does end up with some justification for how she'd seen things, as she had trouble staying in the role of a soldier rather than a berserker as the horrors of battle took their toll.
Last for this section was Chapel, through the perspective of Charity. Chapel is Blackjack's new home, and she's had her friendly antagonism with Charity forever. Seeing all of that at risk is important to her, and would be especially so to Scotch given that's where she'd been living all that time Blackjack was in the Core. So there are definite stakes here, especially as other characters like Harpica and Deus come in. Now, I have to say that parts of this are frustrating to me personally because I don't like Charity very much and see her differently than it seems many do, including Blackjack in the story. To say the least, actually getting inside her head has done nothing to reverse my incredulity at the idea that she could even potentially be the Bearer of Generosity (notwithstanding any shortcomings of other Bearers in this universe): a self-perception of never giving anything for free and holding a mental ledger of everything she owes and is owed (money, goods, favors, lives) just don't strike me as character traits consistent with the element. Also, shit-talking the enemy when she had to be bailed out something like four separate times (once by the completely out of nowhere deus ex machina of Winona and the robot dogs appearing) rubbed me the wrong way (not that I think it's something she wouldn't do). I didn't care for the thing where Deus was only able to say "cunt," but at least there was a payoff to it in that in the end he was able to break through that to get some actual lines out. I guess that's a clearer thing than just machine noises until he's able to get there, and means that there was some form of progress due to Blackjack's mind delve even before that point. Okay, so in terms of things happening, Deus saves many of Chapel's residents from Brood tanks, but at the cost of his own life, completing the upward trajectory of his arc from hero to rapist, prisoner first trying to be noble in Hightower, then sinking to its level, to the Deus of the Wasteland and limited reformation in large part tied to Rampage, and now, back to hero. His journey is put in contrast to Harpica's, which also ends here: she was told to watch over the children, which she did at Blueblood Manor in life and as a ghoul, then again at Chapel, and is now giving her life to buy them some more time.
In terms of the regular narrative, this segment is largely transitional. It depends on attachment to Scotch and Blackjack and Luna as characters, and the promise that the developments here will have a chance to play out later on. No problem there for me. For the larger portions that are done through the Blankceptitron, you really need to care about the side characters and what they're going through to be invested (except for the Goldenblood/Legate bit, which had more relevant plot information that couldn't be just assumed or communicated after the fact, like the trees of life getting destroyed or Chapel's outcome, or being fundamentally extraneous like the Tempest, the practical effect of which could have been achieved through the normal course of battle and no direct focus given to it at all). In most cases, I did and was, but that was a pretty weak point in the first bunker scene with the Zodiacs, and to a lesser extent with Chapel and Charity. This was, in my opinion, truly a weakness of the chapter in the first case, and a simple reality of broad storytelling in the latter, as in any story with a large cast some members of the audience just won't really develop interest in various characters, even if they receive screen time, character arcs, and are tied to plot threads. Just like how many or most fans of FiM probably don't really have a high level of engagement with and interest in every single member of the Mane Six and Spike.
- Chapter Seventy Five Part One Editing:
- “Blow up a reactor?” Xanthe said lightly
extra space between "up" and "a"
The zebra mare arched a brow, but then without delay began to dig through pouches lining the inside of her cloak.
suggest dropping the "then" or changing "without delay" to something like "quickly". the time to arch her eyebrow before starting was a delay.
The blank faces remained, and she snorted, rolled her eyes and explained, “The reactor thingy. Duh!”
comma after "eyes"
burning slower than they died. The wall of burning dead barely
only one space after period
Then he levitated out Big Daddy’s potion and popped the cork out of the bottle, looking down at the glowing white dregs at the bottom.
Candlewick is an earth pony, and so "levitated" should be something like "pulled" or "took"
“Get out of here,” Brutus rumbled as he loomed at the other earth pony.
I don't think "looming at" something (maybe at a time) really works. And based on what happens later, he's clearly not looming over Toaster. Maybe "advanced on" or "approached", or some form of watching him?
He screamed, or perhaps laughed, as the thrashed his way around the room,
"as he thrashed"
Ranger a bleedin' slog.
non-directional apostrophe
everypony else is gettin' stuck in
non-directional apostrophe
But I’m guessin' that’s not what what's goin’ on in that big
non-directional apostrophe (guessin', what's), is that first "what" supposed to be there?
Am I chattin' to meself here or
non-directional apostrophe
thump somepony actin' like a leatherhead.”
non-directional apostrophe
That big sparklin' moron.
non-directional apostrophe
“Because it seems to be the only way to get through to ginormous pillocks like you two,” Psalm replied.
"Crumpets replied."
I mean, she was a moanin' misery like
non-directional apostrophe
definitely ain't worthy of 'im if you sit
non-directional apostrophes
“Damn it! Damn it! Fuckin' damn it!”
non-directional apostrophe
"Halfhearts, retreat to the chapel. Protect the little ones. The time to return to your other halves is not yet come,"
non-directional quotation marks
"Survive and fight. You can join those you've lost when the day is through."
non-directional quotation marks, apostrophe
the ancient mare's deranged antics,
non-directional apostrophe
Icy Shake- Alicorn
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Join date : 2012-06-05
Age : 35
Location : Boston, MA
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Wed Jul 01, 2015 4:10 pm
Really thought I'd be able to get this in two . . .
- Other Editing:
- 1:
“Yeah, I got that around ‘have you shot’,” I said as I fell in besides her as we trotted back downstairs towards the atrium. “Why?”
"beside"
4:
“You know, I knew that the Overmare was a neurotic little trotter, but I never realized she thought of herself as the princesses reborn.”
"princesses" should be capitalized
I know some of you feel like you don’t get as many headlines out there, but it’s a great big old wasteland.
I think "wasteland" should be capitalized
5:
“Just what the wasteland needs: an optimist.”
"wasteland" should be capitalized
6:
Is this it? Is this the part where the wasteland breaks me?
"wasteland" should be capitalized
7:
“Not every wastelander is a psychopathic cannibal,”
"wastelander" should be capitalized
I suspect it was simply the result of you throwing yourself at a bit too much wasteland.
"wasteland" should be capitalized
“I know it might seem silly, but it’s a big wasteland and I’m absolutely lousy with a gun.”
I think "wasteland" should be capitalized
11:
A gray mare reading a ratty magazine about the princesses.
"princesses" should likely be capitalized
“No. You didn’t see the princess. She’s gone now.”
"princess" should be capitalized
12:
for the day when we may be reunited with our princesses once again. Celestia protects. Luna defends.”
"princesses" should be capitalized
15:
Fortunately, Luna does provide the occasional blessing, such as a wooden hoofball bat lying on a table next to some very dated copies of Playbuck and Ponylife.
Earlier stuff with the Reapers (and, I think, earlier in the Survival Guide) seems to indicate hoofball is pony football or soccer. is it some kind of fusion that has bats too, or should this have another name?
17:
I wanted to scream at these ponies, and the princesses themselves. I wanted to show them this empty world that would follow them. No price, none, was worth the loss of these princesses.
"princesses" should be capitalized in each case
“Quiet, you,” the handsome buck muttered with a glare before giving a suave smile at the princesses.
"princesses" should be capitalized
Only the business ponies, the guards, and the princesses weren’t laughing.
"princesses" should be capitalized
“We don’t talk about the princesses’ business, Cupcake,”
"princesses' " should be capitalized
I thought back to the memory orb of the princesses.
"princesses" should be capitalized
I could have used him as a hoofball bat!
Earlier stuff with the Reapers (and, I think, earlier in the Survival Guide) seems to indicate hoofball is pony football or soccer. is it some kind of fusion that has bats too, or should this have another name?
A large display showed two train tracks and some sort of railyard.
"rail yard" (used more in PH)
Rampage asked as she punted a half submerged skull aside.
suggest "half-submerged"
“My name… The secret, true name of the Security Mare
"The" shouldn't be capitalized, or second space needed after ellipsis
“You are a gentlecolt and a scholar.” I said as I swirled
period should be comma, extra space after quotation
command to Captain Lighthorn. He is to take
only one space after period
“Excuse me sir, but you are distressing the gentlefolk.”
comma after "me"
“You just have to realize that most of the ponies here aren’t exactly brave warrior folk. They’re prostitutes that rotate their security duties, mares who are trying to kick Dash and Dust addiction, and fillies desperate not to fall into either trap. And bucks who sign up just try to use it to get free drugs and sex.”
“Which were you?” I asked, and then winced. “Um… don’t answer that.”
“Prostitute, but I have a lot of side jobs now,” she said without hesitation or shame. “And you are so cute when you get two hooves in your mouth.” I blushed, and I wasn’t sure if it was at her occupation or her flirting. It definitely made me chuckle, though.
The thing about hesitation or shame can work fine based on Caprice's calling them "traps," setting up the attitude Blackjack expects, but I have a harder time with the possibility of Blackjack blushing at Caprice being a prostitute. I like the current structure, but I don't know what would fit in the "her occupation" slot. The timing/placement doesn't seem right for a simple "my mistake," but maybe something along the lines of Caprice acknowledging Blackjack's mistake?
and gave herself a shake. “You go
only one space after period
She blinked, and then laughed. “Oh!
only one space after period
“Robronco not liable for collateral damage, injury or death thirty days after placement.
comma after "injury"
“Tanks?” Rampage looked up at the machine and snorted. “That’s not a tank. A US… that’s a tank.” Then she stopped and scowled, but I couldn’t tell at what.
“A what?”
“Robronco Ultra-Sentinel. And if you find one, you’ll know. Then you’ll be dead,” Rampage said as she focused and suddenly struck out with her hoof. The impact left an inch-deep impression in its armor.
P-21 looked at the indentation and then asked with a smirk, “Then how do you know about them and yet still live?”
But for some reason the question really seemed to piss her off. “‘Cause I’m really tough to kill,” she replied with her own scowl.
Rampage is the only one to have scowled in this scene, so "replied with her own scowl" doesn't make sense. I'd suggest replacing "own" with something like "deepening/increasing" or "a fresh"
“Warning! Warning! You are not authorized to be here! Warning! Surrender immediately!” Unfortunately, neither the robots nor the turrets seemed to recognize ‘surrender,’ and Rampage certainly wasn’t in the mood as Protectapony robots shambled forward like metal zombies and the turrets began to spray beams of crimson death at her.
comma to outside of single-quotes. It doesn't make sense to say that they didn't recognize surrender if there wasn't a surrender to recognize, and at this point they're only hitting Rampage, so any implied surrender by the rest (which I don't think likely happened anyway) was clearly ignored. Suggest adding a "likely" or synonym between "seemed" and "to"
Glory called out as the turrets detected us and let out a rapid-fire stream of magic energy that scorched holes in my barding and hide.
suggest change to "magical energy" (2 vs 20)
“Rampage!” I shouted through gritted teeth as her hoofclaws shoved in deeper and deeper.
should probably have only one space after quotation
I hit S.A.T.S. and togged four magic shots at both her knees
"toggled"
“Tarnation girl, you in that much of a
comma after "Tarnation"
“Well today, there is!
suggest moving comma to after "Well"
damn, it was odd not to worry waking to find Deus sodomizing me.
should have a preposition for "worry", like "worry about", as this meaning of the word doesn't take an object
Unfortunately, the pensive look of Rampage doused my excitement, but one look from her pink eyes as she slowly chewed on a Mint-al made it clear that pity would be hazardous to my health. P-21 and Glory exchanged a look but kept their comments to themselves.
suggest changing one of the looks to something else, like the first to "appearance" or "air", or the last to "glance"
“Actually most ghouls favor the softer organs. Liver. Lungs. Entrails.”
comma after "Actually"?
wondered with a nervous laugh. “I’m creeped out
only one space after period
making her almost trip. I frowned at him,
only one space after period
“Can we go now?” Glory asked softly as the building
should have only one space after quotation
my heart thudding in my chest as if I was riding a high of Buck.
"was" to "were"
My barding and stuff was nowhere to be seen. “Please…” I whispered to the memory of long dead goddesses, “Please please don’t let this be a set up…”
suggest "was" to "were", "goddesses" should be capitalized
“You’re… you’re up…,”
drop the comma?
“Yeah. I think I took something,”
only one space after period
She ran against the stream of fire even as it tore into her chest, as if it was just a light shower of rain!
suggest "was" to "were"
Even Rainbow Dash looked interested now, as he set the container besides the pile of scrap metal.
"beside"
18:
In what universe did alicorn princesses have to die while this... this... thing... was allowed to persist!
should "princesses" be capitalized?
19:
I was just hoping to hang onto some more mines rather than sell them all,” he said as she
"hang on to"
I needed a bath. A hot bath. .
period floating there at the end
I saw the sprawling layout of stable 89 with all its many storage areas and labs.
"stable" should be capitalized
Then I frowned as I looked at stable 90.
"stable" should be capitalized
Once upon a time, Equestria had been ruled by two princesses.
"princesses" should be capitalized
There wasn’t a civil war or a crisis of succession because the princesses couldn’t die of old age.
"princesses" should be capitalized
It wasn’t big at first, but the presence of two princesses prompted a change in attitude across the kingdom.
"princesses" should be capitalized
But through it all went the ironclad belief that, whether under Celestia or Luna, a princess would rule.
"princess" should be capitalized
Only Big Macintosh’s sacrifice prevented Equestria from discovering the hard way just how integral the princesses were to the country’s collective psyche.
"princesses" should be capitalized
It introduced an insidious question: what would Equestria do if the princesses were killed?
"princesses" should be capitalized
crucial systems from the princesses to another individual in the event of both of the princesses’ deaths.
"princesses" should be capitalized in each case
“Prob’ly. If a princess locked it, somepony with a princess’s access privileges would have to unlock it.”
"princess", "princess's" should be capitalized
“She‘ll own the Wasteland someday,” I agreed solemnly as I sat beside him.
inverted apostrophe
Had I dragged Archibald and Splendid up there to find out for sure that there were no medics in the wasteland?
"wasteland" should be capitalized
20:
But I couldn’t believe Mom and the others would hold onto rules that weren’t even a part of the stable to begin with!
"hold on to"
seasons were ordered for the ponies' comfort.
non-directional apostrophe
The stars did not make your princess into that monster.
"princess" should be capitalized
There was no way that the cute, intelligent princess I’d seen could be a monster.
"princess" should be capitalized
Or even one of the princesses?!
"princesses" should be capitalized
21:
Apparently, having no Ministry Mare, the O.I.A. had latched onto the princess herself for inspiration.
"princess" should be capitalized
Nopony wants their lives hanging on a princess trying to one up a legacy that’s impossible to copy.”
"princess" should be capitalized
Otherwise, decide why anypony should bow to a princess that doesn’t even know why she should rule save she’s a princess.”
"princess" should be capitalized in each case
22:
“Introducing them to wasteland cuisine?”
"wasteland" should be capitalized
23:
Alarms rang in an anemic attempt to give warning as he weakly scrabbled for something to hold onto.
"hold on to"
“Imagine dozens, or hundreds of princesses fighting on our side!”
"princesses" should probably be capitalized
I saw it. He died with the princesses, Project Horizons died with him, and we are all the better for it.”
"princesses" should be capitalized
What sense was there living in a world that only got worse? In a world without princesses?
"princesses" should be capitalized
The Armor of Image
By Ace Buckley
suggest changing article format to justified like that in 31, from centered
25:
Big Daddy offered as he set the tray down on an end table besides the couch.
"beside"
26:
Was that... “I don’t know,” I said as I levitated the little orange figurine,
should have second space after ellipsis
27:
Then a third, and the mare fell limp besides me.
"beside"
I was just another wasteland scavenger, tainted and corrupted and putting myself first.
"wasteland" should be capitalized
29:
I gaped. Two… hundred…Inches?! ...was that a lot?
space needed after second ellipsis, and "Inches" shouldn't be capitalized. "was" should be capitalized
30:
Glory moved next to me, snuggling besides me as she looked at the screen.
"beside"
“When I think of her wanting me to sneak into a radigator nest to ‘observe wasteland wildlife’…”
I think "wasteland" should likely be capitalized
And my life isn’t worth the damage he’ll do to the wasteland with Chimera,” I said softly.
"wasteland" should be capitalized
31:
Two crimson bolts slammed into my chest, and my heart stopped as I fell back besides the fallen alicorn.
"beside"
“Hold onto that thought, Blackjack.”
"Hold on to"
“You want me to hold onto that for you?”
"hold on to"
I wondered if there was some mysterious force resupplying the Burners with flamer fuel and the Fillies with gem cartridges and magic energy weapons?
suggest change to "magical energy" (2 vs 20)
and remembered two princesses meeting in a tent.
"princesses" should be capitalized
The acolytes of Unity were too vulnerable to the predators of the wasteland
"wasteland" should be capitalized
32:
I decided to hold onto the hazmat barding; it might come in useful later.
"hold on to"
Rainbow ichor burst from some of the veins as the room reacted horribly to the swelling hymn to two princesses now long parted from this world.
"princesses" should be capitalized
34:
Though why Rover insisted on adding--“
inverted quotation mark
Nothing like Rampage’s regeneration, but--“
inverted quotation mark
She attempted some muttered comment about how, when you died, you went to the everafter to be reunited with the princesses and your loved ones.
"princesses" should be capitalized
ensnaring the heart of a beautiful princess and turning her against her sister
"princesses" should possibly be capitalized
and it would only do that for a direct descendant of a Ministry Mare or the princesses.”
"princesses" should be capitalized
35:
There were pictures of him with the princess, the pair talking and laughing.
"princess" should be capitalized
A picture of the princess drawing a mustache on his
"princess" should be capitalized
37:
Why build in a wasteland where everything was dead and falling apart?
should "wasteland" be capitalized?
38:
Why’d you feed me that grand vision experiment on the wasteland crap?”
"wasteland" should be capitalized
39:
I could just hold onto her until the opportunity presented itself.
"hold on to"
40:
There was a file asking the question of whether the power and authority of the princesses ought to be absolute
"princesses" should be capitalized
but by that point I’d been a lot more used to the whole freaky wasteland thing.
"wasteland" should be capitalized
43:
Fluttershy didn’t look at her friend as she sat besides Rumble’s bed.
"beside"
The same cookies on the little table besides the main entrance.
"beside"
and were then wandering around a ‘wasteland’ wrecked by some horrific disaster.”
I think "wasteland" should be capitalized
44:
“She’s a princess… how could I not?”
"princess" should be capitalized
A strange, ominous note rose up from the basement, and she hesitated a moment at the door. “P… princess?”
"princess" should be capitalized
dumping her in a heap behind the glorious dark princess.
"princess" should be capitalized
47:
“That’s why Hobble called you a whistleblower?” I asked as I sat down besides the grieving ghoul.
"beside"
Why didn’t anypony just trot up to the alicorn princess in charge and mention that the biggest prison in Equestria was run by the biggest scumbag ever?
should "princess" be capitalized?
Celestia wasn’t supposed to quit. Alicorn princesses didn’t quit.
should "princesses" be capitalized?
I almost couldn’t remember that idiot who ran out into the wasteland with Deus on her tail.
"wasteland" should be capitalized
48:
Clipboards dangled from pegs besides the doors, and one caught my eye, or rather the name on it did:
"beside"
Angel stood beside her, arms crossed and foot tapping rapidly besides him.
"besides" to "beside", maybe "beside" to "next to" or "aside"
“You’d better hold onto it.”
"hold on to"
I tried to fight, but there wasn’t anything left for me to hold onto
"hold on to"
49:
instead of what they really are. Take Princess Celestia
only one space after period
I’ve heard through clients that they’re offering a princess’s ransom for it.
should "princess's" be capitalized?
“Better a dead princess than a captured one…”
"princess" should be capitalized
and with that, they eclipsed zebras as weirdest species in the wasteland.
"wasteland" should be capitalized
50:
Twist said as she walked along the center aisle to stand besides Shujaa.
"beside"
Please hold onto these copies from the Hoofington Library.
"hold on to" (maybe: in a letter from Twilight)
Belts. Hoofball bats. Crowbars. Anything to get the message through,”
Earlier stuff with the Reapers (and, I think, earlier in the Survival Guide) seems to indicate hoofball is pony football or soccer. is it some kind of fusion that has bats too, or should this have another name?
52:
“Sorry, stupid question,” she said as she knelt besides my scrapped leg.
"beside"
“I’m not going to kill more innocents just to hang onto a damned program.
"hang on to"
Maybe not as much as you do, but we can handle what the wasteland throws at us.”
"wasteland" should be capitalized
“Not all wastelanders are ignorant savages.
"wastelanders" should be capitalized
53:
“Applejack might have made it to Stable 2 in Ponyville…”
"Stable Two"
pulling out a copy of the “Wastelands” game book she’d picked up in Silverstar Sporting Supplies. She flipped it open to the back pages where several papers had been shoved in. “Character Sheet” was printed
those should be single quotation marks. also, the two other times I could find it was called "Wasteland"
54:
“Trust them with something less precious than the princesses.
"princesses" should be capitalized
Contrary to what most ponies think, zebras revere their elders as much as we do the princesses.
"princesses" should be capitalized
The triumphant hero sacrificing himself for the greater cause while protecting the princess.
"princess" should be capitalized
I would have been labelled a crackpot conspiracy theorist,
"labeled"
55:
“Grace will do,” she added with a smile, helping suppress a small gnawing sense of annoyance I was feeling towards the Princess.
"Princess" should not be capitalized
“Oh please, Eclipse. The princess isn’t going to need this report.”
"princess" should be capitalized
57:
And I thought Stable 2’s orchards were impressive.
"Stable Two's"
She wore the dress that Velvet had altered for her larger frame, looking like an echo of a princess of yesterday in magnificent burgundy and gold.
should "princess" be capitalized?
“Yeah, I imagine dresses are pretty rare in the wasteland,” I replied.
should "wasteland" be capitalized?
58:
“Maybe... maybe you can hold onto a few. Some?
"hold on to:
59:
Your princess grew impatient and sent in the flyers you call the ‘Wonderbolts’.
"princess" should be capitalized
Oh, she’s a princess. She doesn’t have to leave the palace.
"princess" should be capitalized
Scotch Tape smiled up at her father proudly, then asked Lancer, “Do you have a wasteland there?”
should "wasteland" be capitalized?
“Ours is a different sort of wasteland. Your wasteland is stark, cold, and empty.
first "wasteland" should match decision made above. either way, should second "wasteland" be capitalized?
By Ace Buckley- It’s the society
suggest changing article format to justified like the one in 31, from left-aligned
60:
The horns came courtesy of a ‘pretty princess alicorn’ play kit.
suggest capitalizing all three words of "pretty princess alicorn"
Were they still up in Chicanery’s office, resting on a floor or rooftop somewhere, or lying far below on the Wasteland?
should "Wasteland" be lower case (like the recent "I was imagining cyberpony painted across the wasteland a mile down.")?
62.1
When you wander the wasteland, you tend to accumulate a lot of stuff in your saddlebags.
should "wasteland" be capitalized?
Somehow, in my meandering travels across the wasteland, I’d met horrible ponies that lived to kill and dominate,
I think "wasteland" should be capitalized
62.2:
A pair of smaller wings were near the front of the missile, and a vertical wing towards the back gave me the impression more of a big sleek paper airplane crossed with a dart than of a missile.
do airplanes exist to lead to the name "paper airplane"? maybe something like "paper glider"?
Or who knew, maybe there was a plot for cyberpony princesses!
"princesses" should be capitalized
You’re not the Princess… piece... thing on the board, you’re just a prawn too.
I don't think "Princess" should be capitalized
Boo, with all the swagger of a wasteland scavenger, whipped one of the cakes off the table with her tail, caught the package in her teeth,
should "wasteland" be capitalized?
She expressed doubt for a moment, saying that wastelanders didn’t want to live and die in a metal hole in the ground under Steel Ranger supervision.
I think "wastelanders" should be capitalized, especially since there was no indication so far where they were coming from and for most purposes, capitalized is more general
63:
Storm Chaser seemed to weigh the insult of such dishonorable company with the promise of more inebriant and finally gestured to the seat besides Twister.
"beside"
“Boo. Wake up,” I said, nudging the sleeping blank besides me.
"beside"
“Stable Twenty-six can’t send us anything this month either.
"Stable 26"
Stable Twenty-Six recommends accepting that reality and working out an arrangement.
"Stable 26"
65:
Ponies tumbled into the river, struggling to find something to hold onto as the village broke up
"hold on to"
She was supposed to become an alicorn… and not a goopy super mutant goddess sort of alicorn, either, but a real pony princess.”
"goddess" should likely be capitalized, and "princess" should be
“A princess. Like an actual Princess Luna princess?” I asked in shock.
"princess" should be capitalized in each case
“Yes, a princess the same as Moonbutt and Sunnyflanks.
"princess" should be capitalized
Besides, I’m sure somewhere there’s a world with a bossy purple alicorn princess up to no good.”
should "princess" be capitalized?
I always remained at the side, the lesser princess.
"princess" should be capitalized
And really, what kind of princess can’t do magic?”
"princess" should be capitalized
He then gestured at the bright soul being held by the straining unicorns. “THAT is a princess.”
"princess" should be capitalized
“Well. What’s it going to be? Once she’s inside you, you won’t be able to get her out again. You’ll have to actually fill Luna’s horseshoes. Put on the big princess britches. Actually be her. No yanking souls in and out. No more cheating. That’s my job, after all.”
"princess" should possibly be capitalized
“Emperor Boo! Ruling the wasteland with my army of…
"wasteland" should be capitalized
Setting him free would just unleash another feral ghoul on the wasteland.”
I think "wasteland" should be capitalized
“With the war stabilized, you can see to getting your friend the help she needs. There’s no peace for her in the wasteland. The urge to kill will never leave her in this place. You know this.”
I think "wasteland" should be capitalized
66:
But maybe I’ll hold onto her.
"hold on to"
I was in her shadow again, the lesser princess...
"princess" should be capitalized
“You? You dare?!” Luna’s eyes flashed as she loomed above him. “You betrayed me! You deceived me. ME! And you dare to call me a friend? I am a royal princess. I do not need friends!”
"princess" should be capitalized
67:
Funny how a spike in anger can give you just enough telekinetic force to toss a batpony down a hall like a paper airplane.
do airplanes exist to lead to the name "paper airplane"? maybe something like "paper glider", or "dart"?
The Redoubt. Stable 2. 101. Somewhere
"Stable Two"
“Execution, sir? Is the princess serious about this? A public execution? Like this?”
"princess" should be capitalized
Both were silent a moment, and then the dusky princess continued in softer tones.
"princess" should be capitalized
Slowly, Goldenblood looked up into the burned face of his princess as she smiled at him.
"princess" should be capitalized
“Forgive me. I wish I’d been a wiser princess,” Luna replied, then glanced at her sister.
should "princess" be capitalized?
“I could have had faith in my princess and never conceived of Horizons.”
"princess" should be capitalized
“I let a robot send me on a wild mare chase all across the wasteland.
"wasteland" should be capitalized
69:
‘Not the most focused pony in the wasteland, are you, Blackjack?’ I thought to myself.
"wasteland" should be capitalized
71:
Cognitum was a crazy program with a dead princess’s soul jammed inside her.
"princess's" should be capitalized
72:
About three quarters of the way up the tower was a ring with a multitude of dishes and antennas pointed out at the wasteland.
I think "wasteland" should be capitalized
“You’re like his princess. You’re big and beautiful and kind and... perfect for him.”
should "princess" be capitalized?
I marveled at the equine architecture, mosaics, and sculptures depicting the dark princess of the moon.
at least "princess" should be capitalized, likely "moon" as well
73:
I tried to see what happened next, but I couldn’t hold onto it.
"hold on to"
I wanted to hold onto that.
"hold on to"
“You mean the princess? No. Not that it was that surprising.
"princess" should be capitalized
A princess in all but fact, but a cruel bitch of a princess. A princess of hard data and harder contempt.
"princess" should probably be capitalized in each case
74:
I would keep myself....
should have only three dots
You’ll never be a princess.”
"princess" should be capitalized
75.2:
I’ll be damned if I’m going to let him hold onto my father as well,”
"hold on to"
“Attention to all defenders of the Society. This is your Princess. The enemy bears down on us, but we cannot run.
"Princess" should not be capitalized
“Because I didn’t want the crazy moon princess to pop my head like a zit if I’d done you bloody and raw,”
"princess" should be capitalized
We were over the zebra lands again. I could make out the megaspells still raging and flickering in the midst of their Wasteland.
should "Wasteland" be lower case? it should probably match whatever decision you make for the conversation with Lancer in 59
Icy Shake- Alicorn
- Posts : 1209
Brohoof! : 308
Join date : 2012-06-05
Age : 35
Location : Boston, MA
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Thu Jul 02, 2015 8:44 am
@Icy Shake:
Ah, thank you very much as always.
I don't see why it has to be based on any single Earth sport, though.
I'm still not certain, though. Do you see any flaws in my reasoning?
Wow, that was a long one! Thanks again for finding and collecting all of those.
What do you mean by "maybe at a time"?
Ah, thank you very much as always.
Let's see, that I'm finding, we've got three references to hoofball bats, a reference to tackling, a hoofball being an "oval brown ball", a hoofball uniform being mistaken for (or accurately identified as) reinforced leather barding at first, a pitch that fits in an oval space, can have a track around it, and has end zones...Icy Shake wrote:Earlier stuff with the Reapers (and, I think, earlier in the Survival Guide) seems to indicate hoofball is pony football or soccer. is it some kind of fusion that has bats too, or should this have another name?
I don't see why it has to be based on any single Earth sport, though.
I've changed it to "at her highlighting my awkwardness or her flirting"; hopefully that works.Icy Shake wrote:The thing about hesitation or shame can work fine based on Caprice's calling them "traps," setting up the attitude Blackjack expects, but I have a harder time with the possibility of Blackjack blushing at Caprice being a prostitute. I like the current structure, but I don't know what would fit in the "her occupation" slot. The timing/placement doesn't seem right for a simple "my mistake," but maybe something along the lines of Caprice acknowledging Blackjack's mistake?
I used "she replied, her scowl darkening".Icy Shake wrote:Rampage is the only one to have scowled in this scene, so "replied with her own scowl" doesn't make sense. I'd suggest replacing "own" with something like "deepening/increasing" or "a fresh"
Sorry, but why?Icy Shake wrote:"goddesses" should be capitalized
I'm not sure if it matters, but this one is actually in 20, not 19. Not a problem for me, though. Sorry.Icy Shake wrote:Had I dragged Archibald and Splendid up there to find out for sure that there were no medics in the wasteland?
"wasteland" should be capitalized
I've also changed the bit in 31 from italic Arial to regular Time New Roman, and I've removed the paragraph indentation.Icy Shake wrote:suggest changing article format to justified like that in 31, from centered
Hm... I'm leaning against it, but I'm not sure. Why do you think it likely ought to be?Icy Shake wrote:“When I think of her wanting me to sneak into a radigator nest to ‘observe wasteland wildlife’…”
I think "wasteland" should likely be capitalized
Hm... No, I think that this one is properly lowercase.Icy Shake wrote:Why build in a wasteland where everything was dead and falling apart?
should "wasteland" be capitalized?
I've used "to his side".Icy Shake wrote:Angel stood beside her, arms crossed and foot tapping rapidly besides him.
"besides" to "beside", maybe "beside" to "next to" or "aside"
Hm... Here, I am thinking no. Lowercase-p princesses are important and would command high ransoms, but capital-p Princesses... That seems rather too high.Icy Shake wrote:I’ve heard through clients that they’re offering a princess’s ransom for it.
should "princess's" be capitalized?
I'm still not certain, though. Do you see any flaws in my reasoning?
Hm, yes, I think so. I'm also changing the "on the" to "in the".Icy Shake wrote:should "Wasteland" be lower case (like the recent "I was imagining cyberpony painted across the wasteland a mile down.")?
Hm. They exist in my FoE headcanon, but I'm pretty sure they don't in PH's universe. And "paper glider" would probably be a more politically correct phrase anyway. I suspect I'd not have thought of it, though; thanks for the suggestion!Icy Shake wrote:do airplanes exist to lead to the name "paper airplane"? maybe something like "paper glider"?
I think that, like the ones in 59, it ought to be capitalized.Icy Shake wrote:should "Wasteland" be lower case? it should probably match whatever decision you make for the conversation with Lancer in 59
Wow, that was a long one! Thanks again for finding and collecting all of those.
Hm... I don't know. I think it works, and the alternatives you suggest don't seem as good to me. Sorry.Icy Shake wrote:I don't think "looming at" something (maybe at a time) really works. And based on what happens later, he's clearly not looming over Toaster. Maybe "advanced on" or "approached", or some form of watching him?
What do you mean by "maybe at a time"?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Thu Jul 02, 2015 11:09 am
Also the goalposts, but point taken.O. Hinds wrote:Let's see, that I'm finding, we've got three references to hoofball bats, a reference to tackling, a hoofball being an "oval brown ball", a hoofball uniform being mistaken for (or accurately identified as) reinforced leather barding at first, a pitch that fits in an oval space, can have a track around it, and has end zones...Icy Shake wrote:Earlier stuff with the Reapers (and, I think, earlier in the Survival Guide) seems to indicate hoofball is pony football or soccer. is it some kind of fusion that has bats too, or should this have another name?
I don't see why it has to be based on any single Earth sport, though.
I think it does.O. Hinds wrote:I've changed it to "at her highlighting my awkwardness or her flirting"; hopefully that works.Icy Shake wrote:The thing about hesitation or shame can work fine based on Caprice's calling them "traps," setting up the attitude Blackjack expects, but I have a harder time with the possibility of Blackjack blushing at Caprice being a prostitute. I like the current structure, but I don't know what would fit in the "her occupation" slot. The timing/placement doesn't seem right for a simple "my mistake," but maybe something along the lines of Caprice acknowledging Blackjack's mistake?
Oh, sorry. I was going to ask about that and forgot, that stayed in because of the other things there. The expression "the Goddesses" is always capitalized, and "goddess" often seems to be capitalized when referring specifically to the Princesses, but sometimes too when just the idea or goddesses in general are being talked about. How should that go?O. Hinds wrote:Sorry, but why?Icy Shake wrote:"goddesses" should be capitalized
- Some examples, from FoE and PH:
- Wherever home was before Celestia and Luna were goddesses.
the transcendent souls of Celestia and Luna as Goddesses who watched over us
“Ah don’t believe in demons,” Calamity replied. “No more than Ah believe in goddesses.
---
“Let me make something clear. I do not like the word ‘Goddess’. I can’t even think of Celestia and Luna as Goddesses anymore. I don’t even think there are Goddesses at this point. All I know are friends and enemies.
“I have faith that she’ll one day return to me. I’ve lost Goddesses before…”
I might not have been able to believe in goddesses any more, but I could believe in beauty, kindness, and harmony.
“You are… a thing! I have seen true Goddesses, monster!”
“I see I was right. The second my Goddess sees what you are doing to her most faithful and devoted servant, I’ll have her activate it. On the slowest setting.”
“‘Your Goddess’? You speak about her like she’s a pet.” She instantly went silent, and he smiled, patting her head. “Like I said, questioning psychology is fun.” He started to pace again. “Anyway, an incompetent Goddess would explain a lot, but either she’s a Goddess utterly unable to learn from her own mistakes, or there are Goddesses that are just really stupid.
The fact that the Guide covers topics related to the Wasteland that aren't really about the wastelands of the Wasteland. I thought too that there were entries seen about, say, manticores, which came from the Everfree, which doesn't really fit the normal meaning of "wasteland." But it turns out there weren't.O. Hinds wrote:Hm... I'm leaning against it, but I'm not sure. Why do you think it likely ought to be?Icy Shake wrote:“When I think of her wanting me to sneak into a radigator nest to ‘observe wasteland wildlife’…”
I think "wasteland" should likely be capitalized
I was going from another direction, the substitution of "princess's" for "king's" in the idiom. But I suppose the assumptions behind that could break down, too. Yours is sound.O. Hinds wrote:Hm... Here, I am thinking no. Lowercase-p princesses are important and would command high ransoms, but capital-p Princesses... That seems rather too high.Icy Shake wrote:I’ve heard through clients that they’re offering a princess’s ransom for it.
should "princess's" be capitalized?
I'm still not certain, though. Do you see any flaws in my reasoning?
Hm... I don't know. I think it works, and the alternatives you suggest don't seem as good to me. Sorry.Icy Shake wrote:I don't think "looming at" something (maybe at a time) really works. And based on what happens later, he's clearly not looming over Toaster. Maybe "advanced on" or "approached", or some form of watching him?
What do you mean by "maybe at a time"?[/quote]
I could see something taking a form like "the storm loomed at dusk," in which the prepositional phrase is specifying when the verb is taking place rather than how or in what direction.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Tacoman587 Thu Jul 02, 2015 5:37 pm
Well looks like the zebras might have not been the ones starting the war. It probably was the Yaks who didn't like the non-perfect trade treaties, then it just went downhill from there.
Also, for spliting a chapter somewhere. Eariler on there was a bit of a theme that had certain number chapters being a bit... darker (11, 22, 33, etc(maybe) ). Having the last chapter on 77 could have that small bit of symbolism if it fit that theme (If ph wrapping up isn't dark enough... What else am I going to do with my time :P ). Anyways, just something I was thinking about.
Also, for spliting a chapter somewhere. Eariler on there was a bit of a theme that had certain number chapters being a bit... darker (11, 22, 33, etc(maybe) ). Having the last chapter on 77 could have that small bit of symbolism if it fit that theme (If ph wrapping up isn't dark enough... What else am I going to do with my time :P ). Anyways, just something I was thinking about.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Thu Jul 02, 2015 6:58 pm
Ah, I missed the point about goalposts.Icy Shake wrote:Also the goalposts, but point taken.
And now I'm wondering what hoofball is...
Thanks!Icy Shake wrote:I think it does.
Aye, one could refer to Celestia and Luna as "the Goddesses" as one refers to them as "the Princesses", but the concept of a goddess, including in a statement that they were goddesses, would I think be lowercase.Icy Shake wrote:Oh, sorry. I was going to ask about that and forgot, that stayed in because of the other things there. The expression "the Goddesses" is always capitalized, and "goddess" often seems to be capitalized when referring specifically to the Princesses, but sometimes too when just the idea or goddesses in general are being talked about. How should that go?
Looking at your examples:
correct (in my view):
1, 3, 6
8 is mixed. "my Goddess" and the related "Your Goddess" I think get through, but the following ones in that example I think ought to be lowercase.
Sorry about the bother.
Ah, okay. I also think that there's a pretty good argument that this would be studying the ecosystem of the "wasteland" biome. Granted, there can be, as brought up elsewhere in this set of error-spotting posts, different sorts of wastelands, but then it become the "wasteland (Equestrian)" biome, not quite the Equestrian Wasteland, I think.Icy Shake wrote:The fact that the Guide covers topics related to the Wasteland that aren't really about the wastelands of the Wasteland. I thought too that there were entries seen about, say, manticores, which came from the Everfree, which doesn't really fit the normal meaning of "wasteland." But it turns out there weren't.
Basically, I look at this as describing the actual physical wasteland, not looking at it as a geopolotical, cultural, of philosophical concept.
Ah, thanks.Icy Shake wrote:I was going from another direction, the substitution of "princess's" for "king's" in the idiom. But I suppose the assumptions behind that could break down, too. Yours is sound.
I agree that it's substituting "princess" for "king", though. The thing is that I see "Princess", capitalized, as substituting less for "king" and more for "immortal god-king".
Ah, thanks.Icy Shake wrote:I could see something taking a form like "the storm loomed at dusk," in which the prepositional phrase is specifying when the verb is taking place rather than how or in what direction.
In this case, I view it as him looming not necessarily nearby but in a way that makes it clear he could be nearby if the loomed-at makes trouble.
We could also maybe make the epilogue 77.Tacoman587 wrote:Also, for spliting a chapter somewhere. Eariler on there was a bit of a theme that had certain number chapters being a bit... darker (11, 22, 33, etc(maybe) ). Having the last chapter on 77 could have that small bit of symbolism if it fit that theme (If ph wrapping up isn't dark enough... What else am I going to do with my time :P ). Anyways, just something I was thinking about.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Thu Jul 02, 2015 6:58 pm
Also, I've been informed by Ryx that today is PH's fourth anniversary! Sorry for forgetting to say this earlier!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Thu Jul 02, 2015 8:31 pm
!!O. Hinds wrote:Also, I've been informed by Ryx that today is PH's fourth anniversary! Sorry for forgetting to say this earlier!
That's right! Can't believe I forgot.
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 29 Ph_4th10](https://i.servimg.com/u/f18/19/20/85/73/ph_4th10.jpg)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Thu Jul 02, 2015 8:54 pm
Aye, I had no idea either. Good thing Ryx remembered. :)
In related and more personal news, the fourth anniversary of me working on the story appears to be on the twelfth.
In related and more personal news, the fourth anniversary of me working on the story appears to be on the twelfth.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by atikin Fri Jul 03, 2015 11:47 am
Happy anniversary, guys! Keep doing great job! Can't wait to the how all this ends up.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Fri Jul 03, 2015 7:21 pm
Icy Shake, sorry about this, but Somber has declared that we're changing Triage's colors to match this. Would you please find the other descriptions for us?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Sat Jul 04, 2015 11:24 am
Yeah, I can do that. Related question: was there ever a decision about whether Colonel Cupcake had a white body and brown mane and tail, or brown with white?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Somber Sat Jul 04, 2015 12:54 pm
He's a quantum pony, in two alternating states. I'd say brown body, white mane.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sat Jul 04, 2015 1:52 pm
Thanks, Somber!
For the latter bit.
The former, I assume, is a joke. :)
For the latter bit.
The former, I assume, is a joke. :)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Jul 05, 2015 6:59 pm
Weeeeeell, it looks like there's going to be another chapter before the end after all. Sorry, everyone; you'll have more of Somber's "horrible" work to read. :)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by RoboRed Sun Jul 05, 2015 7:02 pm
WELP.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by PeppyJoe Sun Jul 05, 2015 9:35 pm
Personally, I'm thrilled to hear that we get more Project Horizons than what was originally planned. Maybe that puts me in the minority (though I can't fathom why), but I can certainly sympathize if Somber's ready to wrap things up. All I can say is thanks for sticking it out and writing more horse words!
When (and I mean when, not if) they do a printing run for this story, I know there's gonna be a ton of people trying to get copies. I will be among them, undoubtedly, but I might need to reinforce my bookshelf to support the extra weight first.
When (and I mean when, not if) they do a printing run for this story, I know there's gonna be a ton of people trying to get copies. I will be among them, undoubtedly, but I might need to reinforce my bookshelf to support the extra weight first.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Tue Jul 07, 2015 3:10 am
O. Hinds wrote:Weeeeeell, it looks like there's going to be another chapter before the end after all. Sorry, everyone; you'll have more of Somber's "horrible" work to read. :)
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 29 930462__safe_pinkie+pie_animated_spike_colgate_minuette_dancing_twinkleshine_spoiler-colon-s05e12_amending+fences](https://derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/7/5/930462__safe_pinkie+pie_animated_spike_colgate_minuette_dancing_twinkleshine_spoiler-colon-s05e12_amending+fences.gif)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Valikdu Tue Jul 07, 2015 3:49 am
O. Hinds wrote:Weeeeeell, it looks like there's going to be another chapter before the end after all. Sorry, everyone; you'll have more of Somber's "horrible" work to read. :)
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 29 71PLg](https://i.imgur.com/71PLg.jpg)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Evilgidgit Tue Jul 07, 2015 5:45 am
WOO-HOO! More Project Horizons! I'm going to party like it's on sale for $19.99!O. Hinds wrote:Weeeeeell, it looks like there's going to be another chapter before the end after all. Sorry, everyone; you'll have more of Somber's "horrible" work to read. :)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Somber Tue Jul 07, 2015 2:16 pm
Sorry. I wish I could have it all done for everyone. Sorry...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Tue Jul 07, 2015 2:41 pm
- Spoiler:
- I don't really mean it this time. Or any time.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Tue Jul 07, 2015 10:42 pm
Not that that's an unexpected response from you, but may I direct your attention to all the celebration resulting from the announcement? :)Somber wrote:Sorry. I wish I could have it all done for everyone. Sorry...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by decumos Wed Jul 08, 2015 8:38 am
Everyone's glad that there'll be more Horizons to enjoy.
Somber says that he's sorry anyway.
Somber, are you Fluttershy?
Not that I'm complaining. It's adorable!
Somber says that he's sorry anyway.
Somber, are you Fluttershy?
Not that I'm complaining. It's adorable!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by joltius Thu Jul 09, 2015 12:03 am
И вот причина их радости мне непонятна, ничего, в плане объёма грядущего текста, не поменялось лишь одну двойную главу разбили на две одинарных. Ну а Сомбер всегда извиняется, это уже прямо традиция такая.decumos wrote:Everyone's glad that there'll be more Horizons to enjoy.
Somber says that he's sorry anyway.
Somber, are you Fluttershy?
Not that I'm complaining. It's adorable!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by TB3 Thu Jul 09, 2015 6:19 pm
Longtime lurker who finally had to create an account, not just to be here at the end of the ride when Project Horizons comes to a conclusion, but to finally pay praise I've long failed to offer.
To whit:
Somber, take as long as you absolutely need. Words cannot convey the joy that Project Horizons has given me over the course of these past few years, and I would loathe myself if it was hurting you to get chapters out.
As for the quality of your writing, I believe it to be beyond exemplary. For me, PH is the seminal Fallout Equestria fanfic (all respect to the original intended, but Blackjack's saga won my heart far more than Littlepip's).
Storytelling, characters, prose - these are all things in which PH excells - were it not for the vexing issue of copyright, I can only imagine this as a bestseller. Yes, it does have some flaws and is not above criticism, but its strengths outweight those issues.
I've followed this story for over three years, through two homes and several jobs - it has been a constant for me in times of plenty and of strife, and to see a new chapter has always been a joyous moment for me.
Somber, you created something which has become a part of my life, part of the framework that shapes my view of the world. As a writer, I can only dream of having someone say the same to me - you've made me cry, laugh, howl with joy and despair.
You sir, are a Great Writer. I can appreciate full well how times can be tough, but please take whatever strength you can from this statement that I appreciate, value and treasure every word you put to page.
And I know I am not alone in that praise.
Thankyou Somber, for giving us Blackjack, Glory, P-21, Scotch, Rampage and all of these wonderful, troubled, inspiring characters.
Take as long as you need sir - we're behind you all the way.
To whit:
Somber, take as long as you absolutely need. Words cannot convey the joy that Project Horizons has given me over the course of these past few years, and I would loathe myself if it was hurting you to get chapters out.
As for the quality of your writing, I believe it to be beyond exemplary. For me, PH is the seminal Fallout Equestria fanfic (all respect to the original intended, but Blackjack's saga won my heart far more than Littlepip's).
Storytelling, characters, prose - these are all things in which PH excells - were it not for the vexing issue of copyright, I can only imagine this as a bestseller. Yes, it does have some flaws and is not above criticism, but its strengths outweight those issues.
I've followed this story for over three years, through two homes and several jobs - it has been a constant for me in times of plenty and of strife, and to see a new chapter has always been a joyous moment for me.
Somber, you created something which has become a part of my life, part of the framework that shapes my view of the world. As a writer, I can only dream of having someone say the same to me - you've made me cry, laugh, howl with joy and despair.
You sir, are a Great Writer. I can appreciate full well how times can be tough, but please take whatever strength you can from this statement that I appreciate, value and treasure every word you put to page.
And I know I am not alone in that praise.
Thankyou Somber, for giving us Blackjack, Glory, P-21, Scotch, Rampage and all of these wonderful, troubled, inspiring characters.
Take as long as you need sir - we're behind you all the way.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Thu Jul 09, 2015 7:42 pm
Welcome to the forum, TB3, and thank you very much for those words of support for Somber and the story. :)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by TB3 Thu Jul 09, 2015 8:06 pm
O. Hinds wrote:Welcome to the forum, TB3, and thank you very much for those words of support for Somber and the story. :)
Thanks Hinds, and please allow me to extend the same thanks to the editorial staff :)
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