Sister forum[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Aonee Tue Dec 24, 2013 12:32 pm
Well played Somber, well played.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Somber Tue Dec 24, 2013 1:44 pm
While I have my issues with the Tea Party (and the Democrats too. I'm still not over cancelling the space program with no replacements) I acknowledge them as a pretty minor evil compared to everything else I listed, which are far more blatant examples of inhumanity and cruelty.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Tue Dec 24, 2013 5:17 pm
Ah, thank you.Train Dodger wrote:Early Christmas present for you guys! Some more proofreading:
- Chapter 2:
Grammar: Line not indented the same. One's eyes really tend to skip over things like this.Wha... huh... talking metal bugs?
Grammar: Same deal. Indent too small.
- Chapter 6:
Grammar: [mark] > [marked]“Cheerilee. So good to see you again. How are things at the education bureau?” my… host? inquired, rising and giving a polite hug.
Grammar: Technically, exclamation points and question marks count as periods. They divide up sentences and can't be used in place of other punctuation. Consider replacing it with an ellipsis.Footnote: Level Up.
Skill Note: Speech (50)
New Perk: Foal at Heart - This perk greatly improves your interactions with children.
Prose: Needs line breaks between each item.
Alright, the rest looks like it checks out.
Blackjack takes down some slavers, has a showdown in Megamart with Deus, and gets a pretty big bounty put on her head. All in a day's work:
- Chapter 7:
Grammar: Should both be past tense "remembered".I could almost imagine he was sleeping except I knew he’d never wake up.
Grammar: Needs comma after sleeping.Again, I know the excuses. It was self defense.
Grammar: Should be hyphenated as "self-defense".They were mangy psychotic killers or ponies who’d decided to be evil.
Grammar: Needs comma after "mangy".The gray pegasus had found some Enclave remains with a flight harness that doubled her pockets and holster.
Grammar: Phrasing seems a little awkward. Consider revising:
[The gray pegasus had found some Enclave remains with a holster and a flight harness that doubled her pockets.]
OR
[The gray pegasus had found some Enclave remains with a flight harness that doubled her pockets and holsters.]I stared into his eyes, unblinking as I felt my horn twitch. Finally, he smiled and said graciously, “That will be acceptable to the Society.”
Grammar: Triple-space between words in bold.“I thought she was going to shoot both of them if they argued,” Glory replied in her own whisper.
I glanced back at both of them and didn’t say a word. Glory immediately stepped back a few steps.
Prose: A bit of repetition here. Consider revising to:
[“I thought she was going to shoot both of them if they argued,” Glory replied in her own whisper.
I glanced back at them and didn’t say a word. Glory immediately shuffled back a few steps.]
I looked up at the two ponies in the trailer, shotgun reloading as another gripping a pool cue jumped out at me.
Prose: This one might confuse readers a little bit. Is Blackjack reloading her shotgun, or is the pony who attacked her with a shotgun reloading his? Judging by the fact that she uses a pistol in the paragraphs that follow, she's obviously referring to the shotgun-wielding pony that just shot her in the ass. In other instances in this scene, "Shotgun" is capitalized like a proper noun when it is used to refer to this specific adversary. Consider capitalizing shotgun in this paragraph as well, in order to maintain consistency.Automatic turned his head just in time to see me take a stance, pistol raised, and aim five shots into his noggin. There was little left. Three.
Grammar: Triple-space between words in bold.At first it seemed nonsense till I saw him duck his head for a grenade hooked to his vest..
Grammar: Two periods where there should be one.His mouth closed around it just as my magic flicked the tab right off the end. His head lifted, tongue working to remove the pin that was already gone.
Grammar: Triple-space between words in bold.“Granite, you dumb fucker! It’s Security!” a unicorn screamed as she levitated a SMG at me.
Grammar: Should be "an".Two ponies were still squirming; my automatic stopped that. Seven. Eight.
Grammar: Single-space between words in bold. Should be double-space.Not unless they were going for a full on twelve course banquet.
Grammar: Should be hyphenated as "full-on".The gray pony with a bow-tie cutie mark was the last to go.
Grammar: In this case, the hyphen can be safely replaced with a space.“And… how did DJ Pon3 put it… Ponies selling ponies to ponies that work ponies to death needs to be stopped?” Damn it. They were both smiling. I felt my heart start to pound.
Grammar: Since this sentence is a question and the following sentence is capitalized, the ellipsis marked in bold should be replaced with a question mark. Also, that "needs" should probably be "need" singular.I saw a snapped off tip of a knife rammed into a skull.
Prose: If she's referring to that first raider she killed, she technically targeted the neck. Unless Blackjack is embellishing or doesn't remember the details of the encounter (given her state of duress, a distinct possibility), you might consider replacing "a skull" with "a raider's jugular", or "a psychotic mare's throat" or something similar. Then again, the brevity and phonetic characteristics of "skull" do lend something to this line. Your call.A desk in one corner with terminal.
Grammar: [with terminal] > [with a terminal]A shelf held numerous books.
Grammar: This sentence does not fit the structure of the rest of the objects she lists off. It should read "shelf that held" or "shelf holding". An easy way to test this is to pretend like each item starts with "There was a" instead of just "A". "There was a desk in one corner with a terminal. There was a safe. There was a shelf held numerous books. There was a refrigerator in the second corner."A refrigerator in the second corner. Wastebasket.
Grammar: Triple-space between words in bold.“What would be the point of having a pile of caps? To swim in?”
Grammar: [To swim in?] > [To swim in it?]If anything has a chance of holding us together; its trade.
Grammar: What's that semicolon doing there? Also, this is not possessive "its", but contracted "it is", so there should be an apostrophe. Therefore, "together; its" should read "together, it's".I remembered how often I thought I was useless because all I could do is shoot things.
Prose: Should be past tense "was".“You do things, Blackjack. By your hoof and your will ponies live and die. That’s a power that…”
Grammar: Should be a comma after "will".“It’s not... It’s not a power I should have. That anypony should have.”
Grammar: Word in bold should be all lowercase.“I used my power to kill children,” I said as I clenched by eyes shut.
Grammar: [by] > [my]“The Collegiate are fine ponies, but they don’t care for fixing ponies broken centuries ago. They’re more interested in discovering lost spells and technology. Those foals would have remained as you left them for centuries. They wouldn’t have pulled the plug. They simply would have closed the door. As for the Enclave helping… why would they? They weren’t Pegasus foals.”
Grammar: "Pegasus" should probably be all-lowercase, as it is a generic term.“Usury?” I straightened as I remember the freed ponies mentioning Paradise. I may not be a smart pony, but I made the connection.
Prose: These should both be past tense, "remembered" and "might've not been", respectively.“We are now,” Bottlecap said as closed her eyes with a reserved frown.
Grammar: [as closed] > [as she closed]“I can’t, of course, offer you a contract for this. If my sisters thought I was deliberately undermining them, it would be all out war within the Finders.”
Grammar: Should be hyphenated as "all-out".I’d need to save them or start carrying backup shotguns. Actually, given that everypony was asleep at this hour, what I should do was go back to bed till dawn.
Prose: Should be past tense, "should've done".My ears stood right up and I moseyed over to where five ponies sat around a table. And they had cards and colored chits.
Grammar: One space after the period between the words highlighted in bold; should be two.“You know head and hoof style?”
Grammar: Since this is a proper name, it should be capitalized as "Head and Hoof".With six players, that meant keeping track of forty two cards.
Grammar: Should be hyphenated as "forty-two".Then I saw a ghost. The unicorn buck stood at the end a row of scrap metal.
Grammar: [end a] > [end of a]“There’s just two little problems right now: One, I dunno if you noticed, but I’m really stupid. And two...”
Grammar: Should probably capitalize both of the numbers or neither of them.Oh thank you sweet merciful whiskey for you have taken the concussive beating that comes from hanging a few feet from a firing cannon muzzle and rendered it into a nice full body numbness.
Grammar: Should be hyphenated as "full-body".He stepped back, eyes widening, and I curled up as tightly as I could giggling, “Mine’s bigger.”
Grammar: There should be a comma after "could".I could make out the long drawn out noise of ‘Cunnnnnt!’ being shouted by Deus.
Grammar: Should ideally be hyphenated as "long-drawn-out".“Hey Deus! You still want my PipBuck? You can have it when you pry it off my cold… dead….”
Grammar: Ellipsis is four periods instead of the regular three.I might have just said, ‘Hadahhhhsss! Mwahhhguaaataaa!”
Grammar: Since the slurred passage starts with a single-quote mark, it should end with one as well.Wait? S.A.T.S. then fire… S.A.T.S. then fire… Cancelling S.A.T.S.
Typo: [Cancelling] > [Canceling] (British English uses the two Ls)I looked down at the weapon in my magical grip, focusing on the bleary letters.
Prose: Letters can't be bleary, but eyes certainly can. Consider one of these revisions:
[I looked down at the weapon in my magical grip, focusing on the blurry letters.]
OR
[I looked down at the weapon in my magical grip, focusing my bleary eyes on the letters.]P-21 and Glory found me and immediately started pumping healing potions into me.
Prose: Technically, healing potions aren't injected. You might want to try "dumping healing potions down my gullet".“Bullshit, Bottlecap. This is a store. Everything’s for sale!” he said with a wide grin.
Grammar: Single space between these sentences. Should be two.I regarded Megamart’s security chief with a curious half smile.
Grammar: Should be hyphenated as "half-smile".“I’m not an ungrateful shit. You helped us and helped others. I get my paycheck the honest way now,” she said as tossed the barding down on the cot beside me.
Grammar: [as tossed] > [as she tossed]If I wasn’t wrapped head to hoof in healing bandages I’d be screaming about how.
Prose: This sentence is a little confusing. Should this read "how" or "now"? If she's referring to how her PipBuck mysteriously assigns navigational markers, it's the former. If she's saying that she'd be in great pain without the bandages, it's the latter. Upon casual reading, the statement parses oddly. Either way, it's probably fine as-is.Footnote: Level up.
New Perk: Quick Draw- Holstering and drawing weapons is 50% faster.
Quest Perk added: The Stare (level 1) - You can intimidate non-hostile contacts through eye contact.
Prose: This should be reformatted to read (changes indicated in bold):
[Footnote: Level up.
New Perk: Quick Draw - Holstering and drawing weapons is 50% faster.
Quest Perk: The Stare (Level 1) - You can intimidate non-hostile contacts through eye contact.]
* * * * * * *
Blackjack recaps her experiences thus far.
Was her father the first pony she retired? Some people seem to think so.
We meet Roses for the first time in this chapter. She and her slavers were no match for Blackjack's 1337 unicorn hax. That's one thing I actually missed from the later chapters where she's a cyborg. She used to use her levitation magic a lot during fights, to cripple her opponents by sabotaging their weapons... as opposed to simply lunging at them and pummeling them into paste. A safety here, a magazine release there, maybe setting off a grenade or two while it's still in an enemy's possession. She used to fight dirty.
Rather hypocritical of her to get so pissed off at a bunch of slavers, especially when 99 basically institutionalized the practice. But I guess that's kind of the point, really. Blackjack had been spending her whole life in denial, and now, she's face-to-face with the very monster she'd turned her back on for years.
Ahh, there she goes. Threatening to turn somepony into paint. Straight to the point. Classic.
And then, Blackjack fainted.
Hahah, she's sitting on the cot like Lyra, isn't she?
Heh, Brimstone's Fall. Who would've guessed that a good month later, she'd nearly drown in a pool of gore that used to be all the ponies she saved there?
Oh shit, it's Deus.
Universal rule that Blackjack has to get hurt all the time? Why, what an astute observation! I think I'll call it "P-21's Law".
- Spoiler:
Hm… No, sorry, this one I think I'll leave; an ellipsis wouldn't give quite the same effect.Train Dodger wrote:Grammar: Technically, exclamation points and question marks count as periods. They divide up sentences and can't be used in place of other punctuation. Consider replacing it with an ellipsis.
No, sorry; I believe this to be the correct tense here.Train Dodger wrote:Grammar: Should both be past tense "remembered".
No, it's the start of a new sentence.Train Dodger wrote:Grammar: Word in bold should be all lowercase.
I'm making the change, but why is this a thing? It violates the usual rule! Well, not that that's strange for English, but there doesn't seem to be aught else particularly odd about the word.Train Dodger wrote:Typo: [Cancelling] > [Canceling] (British English uses the two Ls)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by CrispyBit Tue Dec 24, 2013 7:47 pm
So i quickly worked up an account ,FINALLY, just to say how much project horizons has taken over my life. Thanks for that Somber and company.
Also even though the controversy it's caused, i really liked the last chapter and have come to trust Somber and his literary prowess. So even though some people dislike the whole Alicorn stuff i'm all for reserving judgement. I mean who hasn't been surprised with the solutions that have happened already?
Also even though the controversy it's caused, i really liked the last chapter and have come to trust Somber and his literary prowess. So even though some people dislike the whole Alicorn stuff i'm all for reserving judgement. I mean who hasn't been surprised with the solutions that have happened already?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vergil Wed Dec 25, 2013 1:48 am
Merry Christmas folks (slightly off-topic, I know).
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Silver136 Wed Dec 25, 2013 8:46 am
Dang, you beat me to it...Vergil wrote:Merry Christmas folks (slightly off-topic, I know).
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by RoboRed Wed Dec 25, 2013 10:39 am
Merry Christmas guys.
KKat posted this in a blogpost.
KKat posted this in a blogpost.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Somber Wed Dec 25, 2013 11:27 am
Nice. :)
And welcome Crispy. And thank you.
And welcome Crispy. And thank you.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Wed Dec 25, 2013 3:06 pm
Merry Christmas, folks, and a happy New Year 'round the bend.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Wed Dec 25, 2013 3:18 pm
Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking, to be specific.O. Hinds wrote:...It's my impression that adding that last one was a joke.
And yes, Merry Christmas and a happy new year!
Or... merry Hearth's Warming... and we don't actually know when ponies celebrate the new year.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Wed Dec 25, 2013 3:19 pm
Funny you should put it that way. Did anyone ever go for the unlimited sanity?Overlong Analysis Cobalt wrote:...and a happy New Year 'round the bend.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Wed Dec 25, 2013 3:36 pm
It probably also helps that she has no idea how to fly in the first place, so it's just sort of like, "Okay, wings, I want to go up, so do whatever you do."WavemasterRyx wrote:...trusting the wings to work instead of trying to force them like she did with her legs. It's always good to show in little ways like that that she has learned from her experiences.
Well, it's not like the wouldn't have had warning that the section was losing structural integrity. And, anyway, they're pegasi.WavemasterRyx wrote:It's really sad to see Thunderhead falling apart from the attack... To think of all the ponies that might have been in the segment that fell. I really do hope they were able to be evacuated...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vergil Wed Dec 25, 2013 3:47 pm
Ch.28: "But...if there a way I can give you access to Steelpony...I will."
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Wed Dec 25, 2013 4:57 pm
Well, my personal headcanon is that Hearth's Warming is the new year. Oh, and also that, at least in the FoE universe, the carol is in fact the national anthem.SilentCarto wrote:Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking, to be specific.O. Hinds wrote:...It's my impression that adding that last one was a joke.
And yes, Merry Christmas and a happy new year!
Or... merry Hearth's Warming... and we don't actually know when ponies celebrate the new year.
Ah, thank you.Vergil wrote:Ch.28: "But...if there a way I can give you access to Steelpony...I will."
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Wed Dec 25, 2013 4:57 pm
Oh, and thank you for the good wishes, of course. :)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scienza Thu Dec 26, 2013 11:16 am
RoboRed wrote:Merry Christmas guys.
KKat posted this in a blogpost.
And now I can again have Scorch's delicious voice.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Somber Thu Dec 26, 2013 11:18 am
Hee.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vergil Thu Dec 26, 2013 1:02 pm
Ch.31:"Something wrong here..." I muttered as I checked the twentieth desk.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scienza Thu Dec 26, 2013 2:26 pm
Speaking of Scorch, has there been any news regarding the FoE radio play, specifically, the next episode which I'm eagerly awaiting.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Thu Dec 26, 2013 5:20 pm
Ah, thank you.Vergil wrote:Ch.31:"Something wrong here..." I muttered as I checked the twentieth desk.
I've not heard anything. Then again, I'm eagerly awaiting the next chapter of the audiobook, so...Scienza wrote:Speaking of Scorch, has there been any news regarding the FoE radio play, specifically, the next episode which I'm eagerly awaiting.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vergil Thu Dec 26, 2013 8:55 pm
This strikes me as awkward:
Ch.34: "A target locked on to his head, then closed my eyes tight."
Still love this chapter to death
Ch.34: "A target locked on to his head, then closed my eyes tight."
Still love this chapter to death
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Thu Dec 26, 2013 10:59 pm
Ah, thanks.Vergil wrote:This strikes me as awkward:
Ch.34: "A target locked on to his head, then closed my eyes tight."
Still love this chapter to death
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vergil Fri Dec 27, 2013 12:19 am
More from 34 (reading piecemeal today, sorry!)
"I hooked my forelegs into either side of the gap and swung in, my rear legs pistoning wildly as they hammered into whatever soft flesh undead flesh made itself available."
"I hooked my forelegs into either side of the gap and swung in, my rear legs pistoning wildly as they hammered into whatever soft flesh undead flesh made itself available."
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Fri Dec 27, 2013 1:03 am
Thanks. I had to read your quote several times before spotting the fault; it's amazing how the brain just skates over these things.Vergil wrote:More from 34 (reading piecemeal today, sorry!)
"I hooked my forelegs into either side of the gap and swung in, my rear legs pistoning wildly as they hammered into whatever soft flesh undead flesh made itself available."
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vergil Fri Dec 27, 2013 1:04 am
We see what we expect to see. That's why editing is hard.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Fri Dec 27, 2013 2:31 am
It's especially bad across a line break, because your brain "expects" a little hiccup there, so it's prepared to reassemble two disjointed snippets into a coherent thought.Vergil wrote:We see what we expect to see. That's why editing is hard.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Exodus Hero Fri Dec 27, 2013 3:24 am
Somber wrote:...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assassination_of_Yitzhak_Rabin
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assassination_of_John_F._Kennedy
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rape_of_Nanking
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ilse_Koch
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rwandan_Genocide
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assassination_of_Abraham_Lincoln
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moscone%E2%80%93Milk_assassinations
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assassination_of_Julius_Caesar
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hanged,_drawn,_and_quartered
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Holocaust
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nazi_human_experimentation
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tea_Party_movement
You think I'm fucked up, Kippershy? I got NOTHING on the fucked up shit real life comes up with all the time.
I'm not disappointed at the comparisons, I'm just disappointed that you didn't put the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scienza Fri Dec 27, 2013 12:13 pm
Same, but I've been forced to accept that it might not ever happen, since it's been exactly a year and a day since Chapter 25.O. Hinds wrote:I've not heard anything. Then again, I'm eagerly awaiting the next chapter of the audiobook, so...Scienza wrote:Speaking of Scorch, has there been any news regarding the FoE radio play, specifically, the next episode which I'm eagerly awaiting.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vergil Fri Dec 27, 2013 2:15 pm
Ch.36: "I tried imagining a blowing the card over."
Vergil- Mobius One
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by WavemasterRyx Fri Dec 27, 2013 2:21 pm
Something I was thinking about last night while I was trying to get to sleep… I really hope none of the people whining about Blackjack being a “Mary Sue” play X-COM. It would surely kill them inside to use Archangel Armor, and that’s not what games are about, games are supposed to be fun.
Last edited by WavemasterRyx on Fri Dec 27, 2013 5:48 pm; edited 2 times in total
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