[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Yes. The madness is starting to spread. Again.
RoboRed- Royal Alicorn
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
All that would do is reset us for a few days before we reach this point again.
Moodyman90- Draconequus
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
The Council has been appeased.Somber wrote:These are indications that I need to get 61 out sooner rather than later...
Scienza- Shipmistress
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
And here I thought this was a forum open to all discussion related to PH.
lol
lol
ARoundCorner- Colt/Filly
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
kinda like in Majora's mask, you can set a calendar to our Shenanigans between chaptersMoodyman90 wrote:All that would do is reset us for a few days before we reach this point again.
Admiral Stoic Rum- Alicorn
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
We usually keep the fan art in the fanart thread, but this deserves an exception.
- WASTELANDER! (by penby):
Derpmind- Mindmaster Extraordinaire
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Genius.Derpmind wrote:We usually keep the fan art in the fanart thread, but this deserves an exception.Source
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Mouthless style is very boss.
As is Peetwon with a Rambo headband.
As is Peetwon with a Rambo headband.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Haven't seen you around here in a while, where have ya been?Caoimhe wrote:Mouthless style is very boss.
As is Peetwon with a Rambo headband.
Stringtheory- Alicorn
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Traveling around the country journalisming. Very hectic. :(
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Ah, makes sense. Coved any big stories?Caoimhe wrote:Traveling around the country journalisming. Very hectic. :(
Stringtheory- Alicorn
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Some fluff crap before hand and then this whole gov shutdown thing, been a big mess. I'm a small part of the crew covering this for back home and there's been many sleepless nights. Part of the reason why it took so long for me to actually finish the last chapter, practically no free time. Aaaaaag.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Small correction for Ch. 10:
I think we decided a while back that "zebras" was the plural we're using, right?It’s a hell of a set. A hell of a set. Not good enough. Thirteen zebra get taken.
SilentCarto- Alicorn
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Ah, thank you.SilentCarto wrote:Small correction for Ch. 10:I think we decided a while back that "zebras" was the plural we're using, right?It’s a hell of a set. A hell of a set. Not good enough. Thirteen zebra get taken.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
I was originally thinking that I had no idea what you were talking about, but then remembered some of what's been going on the last few pages. Well, it seems to have calmed down here, at least.Somber wrote:These are indications that I need to get 61 out sooner rather than later...
Anyway, another week, another old chapter: twenty seven.
Is it just me, or is the present-day real-world of Project Horizons all just meant to give us the context we need for chapters like this, "Lucidity," and the final merge with the Goddess? Maybe not, but sometimes these just feel like the most important things to happen, perhaps because they are so profoundly personal.
So much of this chapter seems to have been about accepting limitations, and using that as an impetus to reveal what was really needed all along. I think that Blackjack's increasing infirmity was handled very well during this chapter, and having her be the one that is holding together emotionally is a good change of pace that really let her character shine through. On that front, clearly the strongest part was seeing that she couldn't be the one to give Glory what she needed, and identifying Dusk as someone who could, and going to her and persuading her despite the loathing she feels towards her.
There were two relatively significant issues I had with this chapter, one major and one minor. The minor is that towards the end of the mindscape section, things got too introspective narration heavy, which was an unwelcome contrast to the vivid descriptions, dialog, and touching interactions that had preceded it. The major problem was having Blackjack not care about ponies being attacked, realize that it means she's different from what she was before, and go back in the span of literally seconds over a few paragraphs. I just feel like this either should have been allowed to develop, letting it get to the point that she actually lets something happen to ponies she doesn't know and doesn't need for anything (ideally in a context where her friends see it happen and could react to it over time) or just shouldn't have been in there at all, especially when the mirror scene is going to be there later in the same chapter (or at least that could have been tied a bit to the earlier scene with the zombies). I hope you understand what I mean, that it seems like it showed up almost out of nowhere, affected nothing, and then was gone, possibly never to be heard from again, though I could be wrong on that last part.
Also, the Gala was pretty great (though I'm glad the next one you do goes back to the pre-Pinkie version). I think you managed to subtly slip in some great hints at how the Ministry Mares were screwing things up even from very early on.
- Chapter Twenty Seven Running Thoughts:
- “Security! Calm down! We’re trying to help you.”
A lie. They were Enclave. Or Sanguine. Or somepony that was going to sell me out… betray me.
I find it interesting that the Enclave is her first suspicion, but it does make sense that the unicorn population thereof would be something she'd vividly remember, given the role an Enclave unicorn had in Glory's frame-up.
I didn’t want to be here in this mare. I wanted nothing to do with this place. I needed to find Glory and put her wing back on . . . But instead, I was stuck here. And worst of all, I felt two wings.
I think that the last sentence of this paragraph pulls a lot of weight, particularly with showing just how key empathy is to Blackjack's character, even if it tends to be overly tied up with her excessive guilt and shame. Plus, determination and all that. But the changing or loss of body, which will become such an important aspect of the story is somewere that these really come out, as with this and always thinking of Glory as her own color later on.
“Trust me, Echo. Those mares are nothing but trouble,” Jetstream said sourly. “And they’re missing out by not having a great guy like you at their side.”
Quite a different response than when Doof said the same thing that Echo did. Oh, and Jetstream doesn't sound bitter at all. On that note, it's crazy how many of the Marauders either pine after someone not interested in them (Jetstream for Stonewing, Stonewing for RD, Twist for Applebloom, Vanity for Jetstream, Doof for Twist, maybe a little?) or in clandestine relationships (Vanity/Rarity (that was him, right?), Big Mac/Twilight). Drama central.
I needed to help them. To beg for forgiveness. This was almost worse than leaving them to die. They’d been hurt following me.
That's certainly true, and this does echo Scoodle a bit in that you were advised the tunnels were bad times, but in fairness, in this case at least the actual decision you made was reasonable, as potentially the best alternative out of a bad menu of choices. Sure, they got hurt following you, but following you was (mostly) their choice, and in the case of Scotch you tried to get her to stay in Chapel, and again, this time it was more that bad things happened than that you were heedlessly reckless, disregarding the advice of those who knew better than you.
The buck and a mare were decorated as formally as two clowns could possibly dress, but the rainbow wigs still killed it.
This got a smile out of me, which is unusual when Pinkie Pie is involved.
Every noble muttered in complete approval, for here were two equines that embodied the image of all that was good in the noble lineage.
That raises a question: while it's certainly true that the ideals associated with one group can be manifested in anyone, what is Rarity's background in Fallout: Equestria? I'm not sure it was ever really delved into, which leaves the baseline essentially as her apparent petite bourgeoisie (maybe haute bourgeoisie) status in season one and early season two. Of course, she's moved up in life since then, but this line specifically called out lineage.
And, despite our pain and hardships, we have risen to these challenges with determination and vigor that would make the stars themselves tremble in awe.
This is, of course, especially meaningful coming from Luna. I might have expected her to be more conservative regarding the stars, considering her own past with them.
“Oh, like the one hundred and thirty first Gala, where you transformed half the attendees into frogs and the other half into pigs?” Twilight offered with a kind smile. At her friends’ looks, she flushed. “I was curious whether our experience really was the worst gala ever.”
I like that this does double duty as humor and a bit of world-building, all while being perfectly in character for Twilight.
They were everywhere, and the aristocrats seemed stunned, unable to figure out what the proper actions were. Nopony would dare leave with the Princess in attendance.
Is this meant to show how quickly the Ministries started to go off the rails? That Pinkie Pie is alienating an important constituency in order to remake the GGG into what she always wanted it to be, but not what it was meant to be, or what it needed to be? And all the more wrong because she could just make another function instead, rather than changing the existing one? Really, the problem with the GGG had nothing to do with the event itself; it was entirely that the six went in with expectations largely unrelated to reality, projecting their desires onto it rather than basing their desires on knowledge of what it was. Sadly, of course, I don't think it's too hard to see Pinkie carrying a grudge this long.
“Really? It’s what I’m callin’ profiteerin’! And greedy shenanigans. I’m trying to keep ‘em honest by putting some kin in charge and seein’ if that helps straighten’ em up. I got no complaints if they make a bit or two, but they ain’t gonna get away with what they done before,”
Yep, I'm going with the above interpretation. Because clearly the best response to profiteering is neopotism, not, say, a move to the regulated utility model or high tax rates on windfall profits in the war industries.
“Oh? He’s meddling in Image too?”
Rarity opened her mouth, then balked. “No… no, he really isn’t. He’s not telling me things that I wouldn’t have done myself.”
Follows well with what he did with Dash a chapter or two ago. And it underscores that he does know how to play the game, even if it ends up blowing up in his face in the end.
As the memory faded away, I was left lying on my back in a bed, a blindfold wrapped across my eyes and tied in place. I lifted a hoof to push the blindfold away, only to find it restrained by a hoofcuff. I jerked all my limbs once, finding them all strapped down.
Oh, in another situation . . .
“I’m telling you all this because it took nearly six hours to put you back together. I don’t want you to ruin all that work with an overdose of stupid.”
Sadly, I don't think she'll ever stop mainlining the stuff.
“The brain’s an organ, and your organs are fucked. I’m having trouble finding biological systems that aren’t compromised on some level. Muscles. Epidermis. Looks like your reproductive bits got lucky. That’s about it, though,”
I know it's been said before, and it's possible it was only done to be a parallel to Deus, but it just seems that this will be important later on.
You know, a rare few might get exposed to taint and get some decent benefit from it like regeneration or the like.
Littlepip: You don't understand! Regenerating limbs is so much worse than death!
“Don’t you understand, Doctor? I don’t matter! All that matters is helping my friends. I die in a year, so what?! Glory will have to spend the rest of her life stuck on the ground because I took a tunnel and she followed me in.”
While, perhaps, a noble sentiment, it's one I seriously doubt Glory would want to hear.
He just stared at me with that sad-eyed gaze. “You’re incredible, Blackjack. You really are… but I’m not. I’m sorry,” he said quietly as he hung his head again.
Saddest line of the chapter, so far.
“Don’t be. It’s the smart thing to do,” I murmured quietly, “and you know me. I’m an idiot.”
He sniffed as he rose to his hooves and quietly left the hospital room. I simply reached forward and stroked her cheek again, trying to ignore the bones bending in my leg. He was doing the right thing. He was a smart pony.
Oh, and incidentally, I'm pretty sure there was someone else who thought of BJ <> P-21, but I can't remember who it was.
So I’m going to find the only thing in the Wasteland I think can help, or I am going to go stark raving mad.
But . . . ponies don't normally wear clothes (okay, they do more now in the future).
Without another word, I left my friends behind. Where they were safe.
Terrible patient, terrible at self preservation, and, right now, I think, terrible friend. Glory needs her friends there, and just remember how much it hurt her last time you left, even if this time you don't mean to die. But she often reminds me of "Lesson Zero" Twilight, too insistent on fixing things herself to come to the right conclusions about what should be done.
“So, I guess this makes me a one-eyed blackjack.”
Incidentally, the black one-eyed jack is the jack of spades, the suit of both cards of her cutie mark.
“Why…” . . . “Are ghouls…” . . . “Always…” . . . “Hungry?!”
I don't think Ditzy acted hungry when you met her, and you've been pretty careful about distinguishing between zombies and ghouls. But in fairness, you've had a bad day.
As I stared at the scene… I realized that I didn’t care that they were going to die. I didn’t know those two ponies. I didn’t need to help them. I didn’t want to help them. I could simply back away, go around, and get to the skyport to help the one pony that did need my help. Even if I did help them, they would probably shoot me. Or I’d have to escort them back to the university. Or worse… they’d want to hang around me.
In that instant, I stopped being Security.
I feel like this was something of a wasted opportunity. To just have this happen, and then go back to Security mode a moment later robs it of any real impact or importance, to me. Maybe BJ will angst about what she almost let happen, maybe she won't, but if she does, she could just as easily do the same if she hadn't stepped up, and it would have mattered and had real effects for someone in the Wasteland. Maybe this can be salvaged later in the chapter, but I'm not sure it will be.
“I do not need this right now!” Sword met tongue in desperate slashes, but the flesh was almost as tough as cable.
Huh. I think there's been very little to have stood up so well to that sword.
A dozen smaller amphibians were already having a cannibalistic feast. “Enjoy your lunch,” I called out to them.
“Thannnnks,” one of the larger ones croaked in reply. I think that all three of our manes stood on end before we raced away from the scene as fast as my clattering legs would carry me.
This was a good moment, just funny enough.
“Ugh. Why does anypony actually live in Hoofington? This place is like a butt and butt sandwich with extra butt on the side,” Scotch Tape groaned.
Not since the days of the Hoofington Reconstruction has the city seen such eloquence.
A vertibuck landed beside us in eerie silence, and Scotch Tape gaped at the missile pods and energy cannons.
Possible front edge of the reveal of Scotch's phobia, but I don't remember if it extended to large guns.
I stood there a moment, stunned as Wind Whisper just watched me. That wasn’t the truth! She’d left out that they weren’t raiders yet! That I tried to kill myself along with them! What the hell, Homage, how can you call that the truth?
A couple things: 1) DJ P0n3's hero speech was something. 2) Sanitizing and simplifying what happened is a disservice to the source, the subject, and the audience, and I've never been all that comfortable with the whole "sometimes honesty is about knowing the right lies to tell" thing she has going on, at least not within the context of her being the Element. 3) I know the song's about Luna, but whenever I hear "I am no Hero" I think of Blackjack.
“Funny, but the doctors seemed surprised that I didn’t have a problem with that booth. In, get magicked up, and get out. Wish we had one in 99.”
Scotch Tape didn’t seem to share his carefree feelings on the subject. Indeed, she looked horrified. “I… didn’t like it,” she said grudgingly, shivering. She caught my concerned look, and her ears folded back. “I thought… I thought it was going to eat me…”
And the real start to it.
It had to be a hundred feet, and if I started the party early with the rifle…
I narrowed my eye. I’d never tried to take a shot with my magic bullet at a range like this!
The hundred-yard shot at the Society doesn't seem quite so unbelievable, now.
The battle at Scrapyard was very enjoyable, between the emphasis on not just overpowering Red Eye's slavers and the real disadvantage Blackjack had while burnt out. The P-21/Scotch bomb was great, of course, because the drama made for such a contrast with the careful planning and delicate operation they were hoping for. And bringing in Dusk was a stroke of genius.
Also:
“I thought they called it power armor. Not pussy armor,” I replied.
Perfect response.
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly, thinking back to that raider I’d killed with the broken tip of a rusty knife. I’d been so carried away that I’d never thought about it. “I know it hurts,” I said softly, reaching to pat her with my floppy hoof. “It’ll always hurt. It never gets any easier.”
Uhh . . . I'm pretty sure that your narration indicates that it does. But I get it; you need to protect her from that as much as you can. Fair.
“That’s not true,” Dusk replied evenly. I really wished I could have smacked the pegasus without falling a long way to my death. “Once you’ve killed enough ponies, it’s easy. Point, pull the trigger, and dead,” she said quietly, and for a minute I’d thought that she’d decided to stay silent for the rest of the trip. She did, after saying quietly, “You kill enough ponies… and you can kill anypony…”
Aha. Looks like you had it covered.
“You are going to go in there. You are going to talk to her. You are going to smile. You are going to make her happy. I don’t care what you have to say, how you have to lie, or what you have to do… you are going to find some way to make her want to live,” I said as I clenched my jaw, tears running down one cheek. “Because I can’t…”
New saddest line in the chapter.
For all I knew, Psalm was a monster worse than Deus, but right now she needed my forgiveness. After all, there was no way she could forgive herself.
But this is probably the line that fills the chapter's "line that sums up the story" quota.
The green unicorn twins’ shameful incestuous relationship because neither could love another as much as they loved each other.
For whatever reason, I had thought that was original to FoE, but just could never find where it said that. Now I know/remember why.
Lacunae: something missing.
Well, plural actually, but it makes for a better name.
“Okay! Bring it on! Evil twin combat? Mind messing? Some horrible self revelation? I can take it.”
But... nothing. Just me. White hide. Two bright red eyes. Clean.
Nope, those all come later. And are a little more decompressed.
The mirror... I didn’t want to look in it now. I was sick of this place. Sick of these mind games. Sick of always being hurt...
The pony in the mirror...
I screamed as I shoved the mirror away, clenching my eyes. I wasn’t that. I wasn’t going to be that! That pony belonged in a cave! I was going to be dead in six months... a year at the most!
I'd like to know, at some point, perhaps if need be after the story's completed, just what she saw in that mirror.
- Chapter Twenty Seven Editing:
- And the next. Then, finally, I landed in the liquefied remains of Stable 99. Only the pitted feces-colored
Three spaces after the first period, only one after the second.
With one final bending, breaking, tearing cry, that armored shell gave way, and the hilltop collapsed inward like the hoof of an angry goddess.
Suggest "as if under the hoof of an angry goddess."
but I was used to pain by now. I reached for that blur,
Three spaces after the period.
little bloody scissors hovering over me. My chest and gut burned
Only one space after the period.
shoulders and forced me back down. I saw bucks in filthy
Three spaces after the period.
A bit too garish for my-- what was I thinking?
Symmetrical spacing around dash.
Stonewing brought up the rear, still almost half-flying half-vibrating across the floor.
Comma after "half-flying"?
As she spoke, the volume slowly rose, as if the castle itself was speaking to us.
I think that "was" should be in the subjunctive, "were."
Jetstream, Psalm and Echo made their way down the stairs and to the dais
Serial comma needed after "Psalm."
“I was just wonderin’ if I could ask you somethin’ about miss Maripony,”
"Miss" should be capitalized.
moment I was simply wondering if I’d be trapped in this memory for hours...days?
Space needed after ellipsis.
The attention…can go… off Luna.”
Space needed after first ellipsis.
“He is a very bad patient.” Fluttershy said quietly as, together, they flew out of the side of the
Period should be comma.
my nurses. Take off that blindfold and I’ll
I said as I brushed her mane. From the horrified look on
Only one space after the period.
We removed the most blatant taint tumors, but there are others inside you, and-“
Second hyphen for dash.
“Incredible. I’ve heard DJ Pon3 talk about you, but I never thought
Only one space after the period.
I suggest that if you want a more informed, opinion you can just crawl
Comma is superfluous.
Throw EC-1101 in the river or down that shaft or something and lets go back to
"let's"
She’d taken the betrayal of her people, the loss of her cutie marks, the abandonment of her family, she’d suffered humiliation and terror and endured my selfish self-destructive desertion.
Suggest comma to semicolon after "family."
Carefully, I buckled each brace tightly on it’s appropriate limb.
"its"
“So, I guess this makes me a one-eyed blackjack.”
Capitalization of "blackjack"?
Distant and...hard to tell the direction in the
Space needed after ellipsis.
everywhere. I’d finally found a place around Hoofington teeming with wildlife,
was strongest within the Core. Maybe something had happened that
Only one space after the period.
Except Chapel… The Arena… this bog… they were practically next door
Should "the" really be capitalized?
pushed its head out. “Braaawwoorrkkkk!” it croaked
Only one space after the period.
Long yellow fangs glistened as it’s tongue shot out and connected with my barding.
It’s eyes bulged, “Brrrooo…”
"its"
Till then…well…”
Space after first ellipsis.
Something the matter?” I asked,
Needs opening quotation mark.
Now I know what you might be saying: ‘give me a few crates of ammo and some guns and I’d do the same. But what you folks don’t realize…
Closing single-quotation mark needed after "same."
We still couldn’t see further than twenty or thirty feet, but I suspected we were entering some sort of industrial district.
Possible switch to "farther."
She’d decorated her plumage in bright red paint, and the power armor she wore was decorated with a bright red eye.
Would "dye" make more sense for her plume decorations? Seems like paint would interfere with flying.
The last two tried struggled to recover as I rose to my hooves and gave each a faceful of buckshot.
Either "tried" or "struggled" should be deleted.
It’d taken two rolls of duct tape, a broom handle, a plunger and a half dozen tubes of Wonderglue, but I doubted that she’d be getting her revenge any time soon.
Serial comma needed after "plunger."
stacked up as ad-hoc apartments next to a large factory-style building.
I think that "ad hoc" is mainly not hyphenated (and I'm not even sure Latin had hyphens, for that matter), as a general word, but could be wrong.
How could he suggest that she-
Second hyphen for dash.
talking in the doorway! “Come on, in or out…. Damn it
Ellipsis only needs three dots, and should be followed by two spaces, not one.
I wondered if I’d already passed my stupidity quota for the day! “Aw… fuck it..”
Second ellipsis needs third dot.
Taurus’ rifle was dropped as I jumped into the fridge a second before half the flaming sky wagon rained down over Scrapyard!
"Taurus's"
She cradled my head as I started up at the sky… really wishing I could look somewhere else.
"stared"?
Eye’s ponies laying amid smeared heaps of pink goo and piles of ash.
Should that be "lying"?
I need to talk… now…before she flies off.
Space needed after second ellipsis.
I hurt her. I was stupid and selfish and
Only one space after the period.
I used to be like that, but now everything’s gotten…weird
Space needed after ellipsis.
“You and Dusk…” the _yellow_ mare chuckled. . . .
Dancer just grinned. “Huh… Is this going to really cause problems for the rest of her family?” The _orange_ pegasus arched a brow,
Which color is she? (You use yellow again later in the chapter. I think orange was her hair?)
some way to make a connection. Something that
Only one space after the period.
Blood soaked hooves!” wailed the host, “you killed my family.
Should "you" be capitalized?
I wanted to shoot him right then and there from the shame on her face.
I think that the "from" might work better as "for," but I'm not entirely sure.
she said as she climbed onto the bed. I didn’t
Only one space after the period.
“So… um… again? …baby?”
I think "baby" should be capitalized, or only one space should precede that ellipsis.
I wondered what had happened to Trixie…. Had
Only three dots needed, two spaces.
“What? I get it! I was an idiot then!” What’s your point?”
Quotation marks after "then" shouldn't be there.
Even my teeth were going yellow; my ribs showing.
Suggest semicolon to comma.
New perk added: Made of Stubbornium- You just don’t know when to up and die! When reduced to 25% or fewer hit points, you gain +6 DT and regenerate 2hp/sec till above 25% hit points.
Quest perk added: Magic Bullet (rank 3)- The range of your magic bullet spell has increased by a factor of five.
Second hyphen for dashes, and symmetrical spacing around them.
Icy Shake- Alicorn
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Ah, thank you very much as always.Icy Shake wrote:I was originally thinking that I had no idea what you were talking about, but then remembered some of what's been going on the last few pages. Well, it seems to have calmed down here, at least.Somber wrote:These are indications that I need to get 61 out sooner rather than later...
Anyway, another week, another old chapter: twenty seven.
Is it just me, or is the present-day real-world of Project Horizons all just meant to give us the context we need for chapters like this, "Lucidity," and the final merge with the Goddess? Maybe not, but sometimes these just feel like the most important things to happen, perhaps because they are so profoundly personal.
So much of this chapter seems to have been about accepting limitations, and using that as an impetus to reveal what was really needed all along. I think that Blackjack's increasing infirmity was handled very well during this chapter, and having her be the one that is holding together emotionally is a good change of pace that really let her character shine through. On that front, clearly the strongest part was seeing that she couldn't be the one to give Glory what she needed, and identifying Dusk as someone who could, and going to her and persuading her despite the loathing she feels towards her.
There were two relatively significant issues I had with this chapter, one major and one minor. The minor is that towards the end of the mindscape section, things got too introspective narration heavy, which was an unwelcome contrast to the vivid descriptions, dialog, and touching interactions that had preceded it. The major problem was having Blackjack not care about ponies being attacked, realize that it means she's different from what she was before, and go back in the span of literally seconds over a few paragraphs. I just feel like this either should have been allowed to develop, letting it get to the point that she actually lets something happen to ponies she doesn't know and doesn't need for anything (ideally in a context where her friends see it happen and could react to it over time) or just shouldn't have been in there at all, especially when the mirror scene is going to be there later in the same chapter (or at least that could have been tied a bit to the earlier scene with the zombies). I hope you understand what I mean, that it seems like it showed up almost out of nowhere, affected nothing, and then was gone, possibly never to be heard from again, though I could be wrong on that last part.
Also, the Gala was pretty great (though I'm glad the next one you do goes back to the pre-Pinkie version). I think you managed to subtly slip in some great hints at how the Ministry Mares were screwing things up even from very early on.
- Chapter Twenty Seven Running Thoughts:
“Security! Calm down! We’re trying to help you.”
A lie. They were Enclave. Or Sanguine. Or somepony that was going to sell me out… betray me.
I find it interesting that the Enclave is her first suspicion, but it does make sense that the unicorn population thereof would be something she'd vividly remember, given the role an Enclave unicorn had in Glory's frame-up.
I didn’t want to be here in this mare. I wanted nothing to do with this place. I needed to find Glory and put her wing back on . . . But instead, I was stuck here. And worst of all, I felt two wings.
I think that the last sentence of this paragraph pulls a lot of weight, particularly with showing just how key empathy is to Blackjack's character, even if it tends to be overly tied up with her excessive guilt and shame. Plus, determination and all that. But the changing or loss of body, which will become such an important aspect of the story is somewere that these really come out, as with this and always thinking of Glory as her own color later on.
“Trust me, Echo. Those mares are nothing but trouble,” Jetstream said sourly. “And they’re missing out by not having a great guy like you at their side.”
Quite a different response than when Doof said the same thing that Echo did. Oh, and Jetstream doesn't sound bitter at all. On that note, it's crazy how many of the Marauders either pine after someone not interested in them (Jetstream for Stonewing, Stonewing for RD, Twist for Applebloom, Vanity for Jetstream, Doof for Twist, maybe a little?) or in clandestine relationships (Vanity/Rarity (that was him, right?), Big Mac/Twilight). Drama central.
I needed to help them. To beg for forgiveness. This was almost worse than leaving them to die. They’d been hurt following me.
That's certainly true, and this does echo Scoodle a bit in that you were advised the tunnels were bad times, but in fairness, in this case at least the actual decision you made was reasonable, as potentially the best alternative out of a bad menu of choices. Sure, they got hurt following you, but following you was (mostly) their choice, and in the case of Scotch you tried to get her to stay in Chapel, and again, this time it was more that bad things happened than that you were heedlessly reckless, disregarding the advice of those who knew better than you.
The buck and a mare were decorated as formally as two clowns could possibly dress, but the rainbow wigs still killed it.
This got a smile out of me, which is unusual when Pinkie Pie is involved.
Every noble muttered in complete approval, for here were two equines that embodied the image of all that was good in the noble lineage.
That raises a question: while it's certainly true that the ideals associated with one group can be manifested in anyone, what is Rarity's background in Fallout: Equestria? I'm not sure it was ever really delved into, which leaves the baseline essentially as her apparent petite bourgeoisie (maybe haute bourgeoisie) status in season one and early season two. Of course, she's moved up in life since then, but this line specifically called out lineage.
And, despite our pain and hardships, we have risen to these challenges with determination and vigor that would make the stars themselves tremble in awe.
This is, of course, especially meaningful coming from Luna. I might have expected her to be more conservative regarding the stars, considering her own past with them.
“Oh, like the one hundred and thirty first Gala, where you transformed half the attendees into frogs and the other half into pigs?” Twilight offered with a kind smile. At her friends’ looks, she flushed. “I was curious whether our experience really was the worst gala ever.”
I like that this does double duty as humor and a bit of world-building, all while being perfectly in character for Twilight.
They were everywhere, and the aristocrats seemed stunned, unable to figure out what the proper actions were. Nopony would dare leave with the Princess in attendance.
Is this meant to show how quickly the Ministries started to go off the rails? That Pinkie Pie is alienating an important constituency in order to remake the GGG into what she always wanted it to be, but not what it was meant to be, or what it needed to be? And all the more wrong because she could just make another function instead, rather than changing the existing one? Really, the problem with the GGG had nothing to do with the event itself; it was entirely that the six went in with expectations largely unrelated to reality, projecting their desires onto it rather than basing their desires on knowledge of what it was. Sadly, of course, I don't think it's too hard to see Pinkie carrying a grudge this long.
“Really? It’s what I’m callin’ profiteerin’! And greedy shenanigans. I’m trying to keep ‘em honest by putting some kin in charge and seein’ if that helps straighten’ em up. I got no complaints if they make a bit or two, but they ain’t gonna get away with what they done before,”
Yep, I'm going with the above interpretation. Because clearly the best response to profiteering is neopotism, not, say, a move to the regulated utility model or high tax rates on windfall profits in the war industries.
“Oh? He’s meddling in Image too?”
Rarity opened her mouth, then balked. “No… no, he really isn’t. He’s not telling me things that I wouldn’t have done myself.”
Follows well with what he did with Dash a chapter or two ago. And it underscores that he does know how to play the game, even if it ends up blowing up in his face in the end.
As the memory faded away, I was left lying on my back in a bed, a blindfold wrapped across my eyes and tied in place. I lifted a hoof to push the blindfold away, only to find it restrained by a hoofcuff. I jerked all my limbs once, finding them all strapped down.
Oh, in another situation . . .
“I’m telling you all this because it took nearly six hours to put you back together. I don’t want you to ruin all that work with an overdose of stupid.”
Sadly, I don't think she'll ever stop mainlining the stuff.
“The brain’s an organ, and your organs are fucked. I’m having trouble finding biological systems that aren’t compromised on some level. Muscles. Epidermis. Looks like your reproductive bits got lucky. That’s about it, though,”
I know it's been said before, and it's possible it was only done to be a parallel to Deus, but it just seems that this will be important later on.
You know, a rare few might get exposed to taint and get some decent benefit from it like regeneration or the like.
Littlepip: You don't understand! Regenerating limbs is so much worse than death!
“Don’t you understand, Doctor? I don’t matter! All that matters is helping my friends. I die in a year, so what?! Glory will have to spend the rest of her life stuck on the ground because I took a tunnel and she followed me in.”
While, perhaps, a noble sentiment, it's one I seriously doubt Glory would want to hear.
He just stared at me with that sad-eyed gaze. “You’re incredible, Blackjack. You really are… but I’m not. I’m sorry,” he said quietly as he hung his head again.
Saddest line of the chapter, so far.
“Don’t be. It’s the smart thing to do,” I murmured quietly, “and you know me. I’m an idiot.”
He sniffed as he rose to his hooves and quietly left the hospital room. I simply reached forward and stroked her cheek again, trying to ignore the bones bending in my leg. He was doing the right thing. He was a smart pony.
Oh, and incidentally, I'm pretty sure there was someone else who thought of BJ <> P-21, but I can't remember who it was.
So I’m going to find the only thing in the Wasteland I think can help, or I am going to go stark raving mad.
But . . . ponies don't normally wear clothes (okay, they do more now in the future).
Without another word, I left my friends behind. Where they were safe.
Terrible patient, terrible at self preservation, and, right now, I think, terrible friend. Glory needs her friends there, and just remember how much it hurt her last time you left, even if this time you don't mean to die. But she often reminds me of "Lesson Zero" Twilight, too insistent on fixing things herself to come to the right conclusions about what should be done.
“So, I guess this makes me a one-eyed blackjack.”
Incidentally, the black one-eyed jack is the jack of spades, the suit of both cards of her cutie mark.
“Why…” . . . “Are ghouls…” . . . “Always…” . . . “Hungry?!”
I don't think Ditzy acted hungry when you met her, and you've been pretty careful about distinguishing between zombies and ghouls. But in fairness, you've had a bad day.
As I stared at the scene… I realized that I didn’t care that they were going to die. I didn’t know those two ponies. I didn’t need to help them. I didn’t want to help them. I could simply back away, go around, and get to the skyport to help the one pony that did need my help. Even if I did help them, they would probably shoot me. Or I’d have to escort them back to the university. Or worse… they’d want to hang around me.
In that instant, I stopped being Security.
I feel like this was something of a wasted opportunity. To just have this happen, and then go back to Security mode a moment later robs it of any real impact or importance, to me. Maybe BJ will angst about what she almost let happen, maybe she won't, but if she does, she could just as easily do the same if she hadn't stepped up, and it would have mattered and had real effects for someone in the Wasteland. Maybe this can be salvaged later in the chapter, but I'm not sure it will be.
“I do not need this right now!” Sword met tongue in desperate slashes, but the flesh was almost as tough as cable.
Huh. I think there's been very little to have stood up so well to that sword.
A dozen smaller amphibians were already having a cannibalistic feast. “Enjoy your lunch,” I called out to them.
“Thannnnks,” one of the larger ones croaked in reply. I think that all three of our manes stood on end before we raced away from the scene as fast as my clattering legs would carry me.
This was a good moment, just funny enough.
“Ugh. Why does anypony actually live in Hoofington? This place is like a butt and butt sandwich with extra butt on the side,” Scotch Tape groaned.
Not since the days of the Hoofington Reconstruction has the city seen such eloquence.
A vertibuck landed beside us in eerie silence, and Scotch Tape gaped at the missile pods and energy cannons.
Possible front edge of the reveal of Scotch's phobia, but I don't remember if it extended to large guns.
I stood there a moment, stunned as Wind Whisper just watched me. That wasn’t the truth! She’d left out that they weren’t raiders yet! That I tried to kill myself along with them! What the hell, Homage, how can you call that the truth?
A couple things: 1) DJ P0n3's hero speech was something. 2) Sanitizing and simplifying what happened is a disservice to the source, the subject, and the audience, and I've never been all that comfortable with the whole "sometimes honesty is about knowing the right lies to tell" thing she has going on, at least not within the context of her being the Element. 3) I know the song's about Luna, but whenever I hear "I am no Hero" I think of Blackjack.
“Funny, but the doctors seemed surprised that I didn’t have a problem with that booth. In, get magicked up, and get out. Wish we had one in 99.”
Scotch Tape didn’t seem to share his carefree feelings on the subject. Indeed, she looked horrified. “I… didn’t like it,” she said grudgingly, shivering. She caught my concerned look, and her ears folded back. “I thought… I thought it was going to eat me…”
And the real start to it.
It had to be a hundred feet, and if I started the party early with the rifle…
I narrowed my eye. I’d never tried to take a shot with my magic bullet at a range like this!
The hundred-yard shot at the Society doesn't seem quite so unbelievable, now.
The battle at Scrapyard was very enjoyable, between the emphasis on not just overpowering Red Eye's slavers and the real disadvantage Blackjack had while burnt out. The P-21/Scotch bomb was great, of course, because the drama made for such a contrast with the careful planning and delicate operation they were hoping for. And bringing in Dusk was a stroke of genius.
Also:
“I thought they called it power armor. Not pussy armor,” I replied.
Perfect response.
“I’m sorry,” I said quietly, thinking back to that raider I’d killed with the broken tip of a rusty knife. I’d been so carried away that I’d never thought about it. “I know it hurts,” I said softly, reaching to pat her with my floppy hoof. “It’ll always hurt. It never gets any easier.”
Uhh . . . I'm pretty sure that your narration indicates that it does. But I get it; you need to protect her from that as much as you can. Fair.
“That’s not true,” Dusk replied evenly. I really wished I could have smacked the pegasus without falling a long way to my death. “Once you’ve killed enough ponies, it’s easy. Point, pull the trigger, and dead,” she said quietly, and for a minute I’d thought that she’d decided to stay silent for the rest of the trip. She did, after saying quietly, “You kill enough ponies… and you can kill anypony…”
Aha. Looks like you had it covered.
“You are going to go in there. You are going to talk to her. You are going to smile. You are going to make her happy. I don’t care what you have to say, how you have to lie, or what you have to do… you are going to find some way to make her want to live,” I said as I clenched my jaw, tears running down one cheek. “Because I can’t…”
New saddest line in the chapter.
For all I knew, Psalm was a monster worse than Deus, but right now she needed my forgiveness. After all, there was no way she could forgive herself.
But this is probably the line that fills the chapter's "line that sums up the story" quota.
The green unicorn twins’ shameful incestuous relationship because neither could love another as much as they loved each other.
For whatever reason, I had thought that was original to FoE, but just could never find where it said that. Now I know/remember why.
Lacunae: something missing.
Well, plural actually, but it makes for a better name.
“Okay! Bring it on! Evil twin combat? Mind messing? Some horrible self revelation? I can take it.”
But... nothing. Just me. White hide. Two bright red eyes. Clean.
Nope, those all come later. And are a little more decompressed.
The mirror... I didn’t want to look in it now. I was sick of this place. Sick of these mind games. Sick of always being hurt...
The pony in the mirror...
I screamed as I shoved the mirror away, clenching my eyes. I wasn’t that. I wasn’t going to be that! That pony belonged in a cave! I was going to be dead in six months... a year at the most!
I'd like to know, at some point, perhaps if need be after the story's completed, just what she saw in that mirror.
- Chapter Twenty Seven Editing:
And the next. Then, finally, I landed in the liquefied remains of Stable 99. Only the pitted feces-colored
Three spaces after the first period, only one after the second.
With one final bending, breaking, tearing cry, that armored shell gave way, and the hilltop collapsed inward like the hoof of an angry goddess.
Suggest "as if under the hoof of an angry goddess."
but I was used to pain by now. I reached for that blur,
Three spaces after the period.
little bloody scissors hovering over me. My chest and gut burned
Only one space after the period.
shoulders and forced me back down. I saw bucks in filthy
Three spaces after the period.
A bit too garish for my-- what was I thinking?
Symmetrical spacing around dash.
Stonewing brought up the rear, still almost half-flying half-vibrating across the floor.
Comma after "half-flying"?
As she spoke, the volume slowly rose, as if the castle itself was speaking to us.
I think that "was" should be in the subjunctive, "were."
Jetstream, Psalm and Echo made their way down the stairs and to the dais
Serial comma needed after "Psalm."
“I was just wonderin’ if I could ask you somethin’ about miss Maripony,”
"Miss" should be capitalized.
moment I was simply wondering if I’d be trapped in this memory for hours...days?
Space needed after ellipsis.
The attention…can go… off Luna.”
Space needed after first ellipsis.
“He is a very bad patient.” Fluttershy said quietly as, together, they flew out of the side of the
Period should be comma.
my nurses. Take off that blindfold and I’ll
I said as I brushed her mane. From the horrified look on
Only one space after the period.
We removed the most blatant taint tumors, but there are others inside you, and-“
Second hyphen for dash.
“Incredible. I’ve heard DJ Pon3 talk about you, but I never thought
Only one space after the period.
I suggest that if you want a more informed, opinion you can just crawl
Comma is superfluous.
Throw EC-1101 in the river or down that shaft or something and lets go back to
"let's"
She’d taken the betrayal of her people, the loss of her cutie marks, the abandonment of her family, she’d suffered humiliation and terror and endured my selfish self-destructive desertion.
Suggest comma to semicolon after "family."
Carefully, I buckled each brace tightly on it’s appropriate limb.
"its"
“So, I guess this makes me a one-eyed blackjack.”
Capitalization of "blackjack"?
Distant and...hard to tell the direction in the
Space needed after ellipsis.
everywhere. I’d finally found a place around Hoofington teeming with wildlife,
was strongest within the Core. Maybe something had happened that
Only one space after the period.
Except Chapel… The Arena… this bog… they were practically next door
Should "the" really be capitalized?
pushed its head out. “Braaawwoorrkkkk!” it croaked
Only one space after the period.
Long yellow fangs glistened as it’s tongue shot out and connected with my barding.
It’s eyes bulged, “Brrrooo…”
"its"
Till then…well…”
Space after first ellipsis.
Something the matter?” I asked,
Needs opening quotation mark.
Now I know what you might be saying: ‘give me a few crates of ammo and some guns and I’d do the same. But what you folks don’t realize…
Closing single-quotation mark needed after "same."
We still couldn’t see further than twenty or thirty feet, but I suspected we were entering some sort of industrial district.
Possible switch to "farther."
She’d decorated her plumage in bright red paint, and the power armor she wore was decorated with a bright red eye.
Would "dye" make more sense for her plume decorations? Seems like paint would interfere with flying.
The last two tried struggled to recover as I rose to my hooves and gave each a faceful of buckshot.
Either "tried" or "struggled" should be deleted.
It’d taken two rolls of duct tape, a broom handle, a plunger and a half dozen tubes of Wonderglue, but I doubted that she’d be getting her revenge any time soon.
Serial comma needed after "plunger."
stacked up as ad-hoc apartments next to a large factory-style building.
I think that "ad hoc" is mainly not hyphenated (and I'm not even sure Latin had hyphens, for that matter), as a general word, but could be wrong.
How could he suggest that she-
Second hyphen for dash.
talking in the doorway! “Come on, in or out…. Damn it
Ellipsis only needs three dots, and should be followed by two spaces, not one.
I wondered if I’d already passed my stupidity quota for the day! “Aw… fuck it..”
Second ellipsis needs third dot.
Taurus’ rifle was dropped as I jumped into the fridge a second before half the flaming sky wagon rained down over Scrapyard!
"Taurus's"
She cradled my head as I started up at the sky… really wishing I could look somewhere else.
"stared"?
Eye’s ponies laying amid smeared heaps of pink goo and piles of ash.
Should that be "lying"?
I need to talk… now…before she flies off.
Space needed after second ellipsis.
I hurt her. I was stupid and selfish and
Only one space after the period.
I used to be like that, but now everything’s gotten…weird
Space needed after ellipsis.
“You and Dusk…” the _yellow_ mare chuckled. . . .
Dancer just grinned. “Huh… Is this going to really cause problems for the rest of her family?” The _orange_ pegasus arched a brow,
Which color is she? (You use yellow again later in the chapter. I think orange was her hair?)
some way to make a connection. Something that
Only one space after the period.
Blood soaked hooves!” wailed the host, “you killed my family.
Should "you" be capitalized?
I wanted to shoot him right then and there from the shame on her face.
I think that the "from" might work better as "for," but I'm not entirely sure.
she said as she climbed onto the bed. I didn’t
Only one space after the period.
“So… um… again? …baby?”
I think "baby" should be capitalized, or only one space should precede that ellipsis.
I wondered what had happened to Trixie…. Had
Only three dots needed, two spaces.
“What? I get it! I was an idiot then!” What’s your point?”
Quotation marks after "then" shouldn't be there.
Even my teeth were going yellow; my ribs showing.
Suggest semicolon to comma.
New perk added: Made of Stubbornium- You just don’t know when to up and die! When reduced to 25% or fewer hit points, you gain +6 DT and regenerate 2hp/sec till above 25% hit points.
Quest perk added: Magic Bullet (rank 3)- The range of your magic bullet spell has increased by a factor of five.
Second hyphen for dashes, and symmetrical spacing around them.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
That reminds me, I need to integrate the Darkverse dream into my multiverse headcanon. I completely forgot about twenty-seven.Icy Shake wrote:
Is it just me, or is the present-day real-world of Project Horizons all just meant to give us the context we need for chapters like this, "Lucidity," and the final merge with the Goddess? Maybe not, but sometimes these just feel like the most important things to happen, perhaps because they are so profoundly personal.
Scienza- Shipmistress
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
I started playing Fallout 3 for the first time. It's great fun and I love seeing all of the inspirations for much of FE and PH.
I'm currently re-reading Project Horizons again and after reading Hoss' terminal diary, I've wondered was the black mare he mentioned hiding in the barn possible Psalm?
I'm currently re-reading Project Horizons again and after reading Hoss' terminal diary, I've wondered was the black mare he mentioned hiding in the barn possible Psalm?
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
If so, Somber's ability to plan everything out/fit everything together is truly amazing.Evilgidgit wrote:I'm currently re-reading Project Horizons again and after reading Hoss' terminal diary, I've wondered was the black mare he mentioned hiding in the barn possible Psalm?
Last edited by stringtheory on Thu Oct 10, 2013 8:45 pm; edited 1 time in total
Stringtheory- Alicorn
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Somber's like JJ Abrams, only Somber's continuity connections aren't after the fact bullshit.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Oh, absolutely. Probably on her way from Black Pony Mountain to Maripony after learning that her whole mission was a lie.Evilgidgit wrote:I'm currently re-reading Project Horizons again and after reading Hoss' terminal diary, I've wondered was the black mare he mentioned hiding in the barn possible Psalm?
SilentCarto- Alicorn
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Latest from Kkat - The Solaris Legacy orb (also, a comment on PH) : http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/214899/the-solaris-legacy-orb
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Ah, so that's what Kkat approved means.
I always thought that Kkat approved meant that the authors personally asked if they could write a side fic and kkat said aok and that all other side fics were just something the authors did without asking Kkat.
I always thought that Kkat approved meant that the authors personally asked if they could write a side fic and kkat said aok and that all other side fics were just something the authors did without asking Kkat.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Who is pooping their pants and running to Kkat over PH approval that that post need to be made. I mean, really?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Well, for some reason, the same topic came up on the comments of that Wastelander pic I did.
Looked like there was a bit of confusion of what it meant.
Looked like there was a bit of confusion of what it meant.
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
61!
Also, I am very pleased to announce that swicked has officially joined the team!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
I.. wait.. what? Tonight? Crap.
So much for me sleeping for a few hours.
So much for me sleeping for a few hours.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Looks like it's time to catch up on the Walking Dead, I've got most of S3 to get through, but it's on Netflix now and...
nvm =P
nvm =P
Guest- Guest
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Well...didn't see that coming. I know what I'm doing tomorrow morning.
RoboRed- Royal Alicorn
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
Ah there's nothing quite like
Still reading as of this post.
- Chapter 61 spoilers:
Deus Ex Pinkie Pie. I've said in in the Murky thread but I love how she's just become an acceptable Deus Ex Machinae or whatever in these stories. I'm sure there's going to be people to complain about it, if not here then in some of those other places we won't name, but Pinkie being able to do this was in the original, and it's also straight from the show, abit in a more limited form.
I find no problem with it myself. If this was something Pinkie could do all of a sudden than I would blame lazy writing, but like I said, her ability to do these predictions is an established thing.
Still reading as of this post.
Moodyman90- Draconequus
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» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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