Sister forum[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by cb5 Wed Jun 19, 2013 9:52 pm
I'm just going to say this though. Out of all the fanfics I have read fallout equestria may be the most popular, but that doesn't mean it's the only good fanfic and that there are actually a fair bit of fanfics just as good. It's just that Fallout Equestria allows for a lot of world building and allows for sidefics to be made. If there was another fanfic just as good that allowed for as much world building as Fallout Equestria then chances are we would see it become just as popular. Also that's not a bad thing, because another good fanfic with as many sidefics as FoE would lead to plenty new art, music, radio plays, and such.
Fallout Equestria, Fallout Equestria Project Horizons are amazing fanfics, but they're not the only amazing fanfics out there, the fallout equestria fanfics are the ones that allow for the most world building.
Fallout Equestria, Fallout Equestria Project Horizons are amazing fanfics, but they're not the only amazing fanfics out there, the fallout equestria fanfics are the ones that allow for the most world building.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Evilgidgit Thu Jun 20, 2013 11:20 am
Another popular fan story is a certain one called Cupcakes.
Also, I think I found a grammar error in Chapter 46. About four pages before the end of the chapter:
Should there be an I in there?
Also, I think I found a grammar error in Chapter 46. About four pages before the end of the chapter:
"What?" I asked as looked from him to the armour.
Should there be an I in there?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Thu Jun 20, 2013 1:57 pm
Ah, thank you, though I think that it's just meant to be armor (American/Commonwealth spelling differences).Evilgidgit wrote:Another popular fan story is a certain one called Cupcakes.
Also, I think I found a grammar error in Chapter 46. About four pages before the end of the chapter:"What?" I asked as looked from him to the armour.
Should there be an I in there?
edit: Are you sure that that was in 46? I'm not finding it. Oh, actually, here it is; it was already corrected. Thank you anyway.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Thu Jun 20, 2013 7:14 pm
We finally got to some problems that have been in the queue for a while:
- Problems:
- 1:
Spotted by SilentCarto:
"The scream associated with starmetal has always been described as psychic in nature, rather than a sound that could be recorded by microphones or even the sensory impressions in a memory orb. It's conceivable that the starmetal is physically resonating at that frequency in this particular device, but if the pinging noise is Horse's "hammer", it specifically didn't make any audible noise when Goldie complained about the sound in the Goldie/Horse memory orb."
2:
"Also, SilentCarto has pointed out that Awesome and Keeper have mismatching stories about what happened with Dawn. I assume that this is intentional, though, that Keeper's is the correct one, and that Blackjack was just too preoccupied to remember what Keeper said?"
"Meleagridis:
"I can't say for sure whether I believe he's alive or dead- but if he is dead then you just know it's foul play, even if Awesome was the one playing the pieces. It pays to be suspicious of the instantly likable. Maybe he really was just a decent guy, but I don't think we've seen enough to know for sure. Keeper showed up a couple of times, enough that I doubt he's hiding any cards. So I'm inclined to believe him when he said Awesome was an Arsehole about Dawn and Striker. But if you listen to Arsehole go on about it, he says he was supportive. I believe Keeper, not King, so I already see Awesome as hiding things from Blackjack. In for a penny in for a pound. Not to mention he brushed off keeping two likable characters in a freaking ZOO as 'aristocrats have privilege.' He's as up front and honest as the OIA he's so obsessed with and I don't doubt that his intentions, noble or not, will be just as ruinous.
(In a zoo!)""
3:
"Also, not sure if this is a problem, but spotted by Icy Shake:
"
Chapter 9 wrote:
They like to call their slaves ‘servants’, but you’re wearing an explosive collar all the same.
Chapter 55 wrote:
The distinction between slave and serf may not seem like much to you, but it’s the difference between raiding settlements, slapping bomb collars on prisoners, and working them to death and accepting volunteers, giving them safety and food, and working them for half the day.
Just to be clear, the Society does use bomb collars to keep serfs from leaving, but only after a contract is (supposedly willingly) signed, right?""
4:
"And I've just read your comment. I don't think that we need to put in-- Actually, maybe we do need to put in an explanation for why she wasn't using her broadcaster; I figured it out, but a lot of people seem to not have. It should not be that Dawn has a jammer, though; it being just an order from the Goddess makes much more sense. The simplest would be a mental block preventing her from thinking of it, but that.... Actually, if we had Blackjack think of the idea prior to entering the Enervation field, we could have the block put in then."
(I'm still not sure that we need to put in an explanation at all, though, and leaning against it.)
5:
me: "Don't know if this is a problem, but quoth Icy Shake rereading Chapter 10:
"“Don’t you think the Enclave has protection against that sort of thing? If anything… pegasus, hot air balloon, flying machine, whatever… goes too high there are defense systems that will blast it to pieces. Thunderhead has more lightning rods than any place in the skies. We designed the ightning rod system! So I fly up there and I may as well shoot myself now.”""
Somber: "right. That was written a bazillion years ago. Probably be better to tweak that section to make her a lot more unsure."
Bronode: "Glory's saying that, right? Are we sure she isn't just full of Thunderhead propaganda when she said that earlier? Like she knows their defences have their limits but she's still regurgitating the lines she's been fed about Thunderhead's unassailability?"
6:
From Icy Shake:
"4: Above all, she’s lonely and naïve.
“She’s an emotionally unstable and naive liability, Blackjack,”
6: We have no argument with the Collegiate and their naive ideals.
7: I’m not naïve enough to believe they’re all guilty and deserving of death, but I connect bounty hunters to bounties.
12: The former was nice, idealistic, naive, and bumbling.
Glory might have been be naive when it came to love, but she was a smarter muffin than me.
30: Innocent. Naïve. Good.
31: “Paladin Stronghoof’s naïve and adolescent fantasies of honor and protection hardly interest me.
32: Naive optimists like Steelhooves and Stronghoof have no place here.
34: “Amazingly stupid and naïve, anyway.”
44: Right?” she said with a wide, hopeful, and horribly naïve smile.
52: “I was just a naïve young pony going into the savage Wasteland.
7:
"Which way do you want to spell "naive"/"naïve"?"
8:
""Is it "EFS" or "E.F.S."?"""
"From Cptadder:
"It could be E.F.S or EFS depending on context. As it's Eye's Forward Sparkle, EFS is proper in reports, casual discussion or shorthand while E.F.S in trade journals or technical documentation.
Man it's been awhile since I used my old school document writing because the rules governing when you write out the dot dot dot VS just combining them are all kinds of archaic.""
- Solutions:
- 1:
"“Bully for her. What about you?” Trottenheimer asked. There was a ping, and for several seconds a long low tone rang out. It sounded... familiar... but it couldn't be that. “Put that thing away, Goldie. I hate that sound.”"
2:
deliberate
3:
“Something like that. Got picked up by a Society pony. They like to call their slaves ‘servants’ or ‘serfs’, but you’re somepony else’s property all the same. Mostly was used for sex and housekeeping for an old mare in the Applette family. Coulda been a lot worse.” I wasn’t paying attention; my little pair was a joke to her three of a kind. “When she died, her granddaughter didn’t really know what to do with me. Didn’t want me for sex. Didn’t need me for cleaning. So she just let me go. Sweet girl. ‘Course, unarmed and broke, I wasn’t in a real good position to survive long. Got into debt to one of Usury’s little pet ponies. Joined with the Pecos to pay it off.”
4:
"“Triage... is going to be... disappointed...” I muttered as I struggled to regenerate my injuries. Despite it all, I smiled. I hadn’t killed her, and that might come to bite me in the ass later... but lying there in the Hoofington rain, the blood being washed from me... I suspected that Twilight and her friends would say I’d won. Heh... I could have hopped on my broadcaster and... wait...
I sat up with a groan, staring straight ahead. My broadcaster! Why hadn’t I thought of it while I was inside? I could have told everypony about--
The Goddess’s smugness enveloped me, and I imagined a condescending pat on my head. Of course we, were going away now. And she wasn’t going to let me go back into the Enervation field. Oooh...
‘I hate you...’ I thought viciously at the consciousness in the back of my mind.
‘Lesser beings usually do,’ she replied grandly. I muttered to myself as we returned."
5:
unchanged, went with Bronode
It was also decided to not bother changing old instances of nieve and EFS, however they're spelt, or set a standard for them.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Evilgidgit Fri Jun 21, 2013 7:25 pm
I see Chapter 56 has a title - Royal pains.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Fri Jun 21, 2013 7:55 pm
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 3 Somber11](https://i.servimg.com/u/f31/17/51/22/96/somber11.jpg)
56 is up!
Also, mods, Somber is unable to log into Cloudsville and asks that you email him about the issue.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by cb5 Fri Jun 21, 2013 8:14 pm
Did he forget his password? I've done that a couple of times myself, write down my password somewhere and forget where I put it.O. Hinds wrote:
56 is up!
Also, mods, Somber is unable to log into Cloudsville and asks that you email him about the issue.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by WavemasterRyx Fri Jun 21, 2013 8:25 pm
Got my copy saved, and I'm very much looking forward to reading it tonight! My deepest thanks as always to Somber, Hinds, and Bronode for all of your hard work.O. Hinds wrote:56 is up!
I hope Somber can get the forum issues straightened out alright.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Moodyman90 Fri Jun 21, 2013 9:04 pm
Think I'm halfway through the chapter. I'm enjoying it so far. There was a part I was gonna go "Called it!" but as the scene went on I had to go "Well, didn't expect that." Getting some laughs at some parts, somber at others, and over all really enjoying the chapter.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Train Dodger Fri Jun 21, 2013 10:34 pm
Caught one:
Typo: [stop] > [stomp]
“Okay, fine. Had. We should still stop them into Jelly. I know Big Daddy would approve. Hey! Make him regent!” Rampage crowed eagerly.
Typo: [stop] > [stomp]
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by StoneSlinger88 Fri Jun 21, 2013 10:35 pm
Enjoyable chapter. I'll withhold my comments for a while, so I don't spoil anything.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by tylertoon2 Fri Jun 21, 2013 10:39 pm
- Spoiler:
- So haven't done one of these in a while.
But the newly crowned commanded it, so what am I supposed to do?
"You have got to be fucking kidding me!"
Funny those were my exact words about the end of last chapter.
Hoity Toity. Not surprised at all.
Ahh so the society does share some bonds with it's name sake. Intriging.
Hope this isn't leading to an arbu v2. But if it is I'm calling it here.
Boo is best queen!
Decisions. Decisions.
...and fighting.
Oh here come the floodgates.
More grayification of the Goddess. Hm. Good enough. But I have trouble feeling.
Oh no. Oh no.
Fucking Brilliant. Amazing. That's all I have to say.
Again. Fuck no. There is always another way. Come on. Don't do it. '
There we go Blackjack. Paragon options are best options.
Blackjack is. Delightfully normal when bonded with Lunacese.
A pin prick. God this is why I love PH.
Just when things get as grim as can be, burst out laughing moments like this save it
I wonder what the invitation to the Gala must read.
Something like "You have been treated to an evening of pleasure, comfort and murder courtisy of the society." Wonder if they have a blind butler stamp it too.
Well it looks like we've found the candidate.
"NOT WITHOUT ME" Bahahaha!
.
The more they talk about the plan for thunderhead the more nervious I get. DON'T. TALK. ABOUT. THE. PLAN.
Rampage Channeling Tony Montana is just what I needed right now.
Splendid is making a good case. And Charm is Paris Hilton in the wasteland.
Please just kill Charm.
Please can we just watch to see what Scotch Tape does. Please?
Okay.. Lancer x Blackjack.... an unexpected turn of events.
And so Glory cheats and she is cool with it. No comment.
Oh and there is no way she isn't pregnant. Plot points like that don't *Glasses* Come and go on there own.
And Blackjack get's what she wants. Yay.
Is it weird I actually want that crack pairing to happen now?
It would be absolutely hilarious for one. Two. Well
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Exodus Hero Fri Jun 21, 2013 10:59 pm
- Spoiler:
- “The King named you his successor soon after you departed. And shortly before he did.”
"did" should be "died" here if I'm not mistaken.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Cptadder Fri Jun 21, 2013 11:00 pm
Murgle burgle 56? Grrr, okay I've got something to read with breakfast
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by StoneSlinger88 Fri Jun 21, 2013 11:23 pm
Exodus Hero wrote:
- Spoiler:
"did" should be "died" here if I'm not mistaken.
- Spoiler:
- I don't think so. It's referring to King Awesome departing, as in he did depart, aka croaked.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Admiral Stoic Rum Fri Jun 21, 2013 11:25 pm
liked the new chapter...
also the bit with the dealer, awesome!
also the bit with the dealer, awesome!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Fri Jun 21, 2013 11:50 pm
Well, I sure wasn't expecting this so soon; I figured it'd be out Saturday or Sunday night. Well, I guess I'll just have to deal with it.
Well, that made my night. Thanks for all the work put into it. I hope things will start looking up a bit for you in the near future, Somber.
- Running Commentary:
- I’d imagined that maybe this was some kind of joke or trick or… something.
Smart Blackjack is smart. But there still could be something going on.
I said as I looked at the ring of shiny, gaudy... tasty-looking... metal in my grasp.
Do it do it do it do it. Do it.
And then the world disappeared in a lavender burst of light.
I really am looking forward to seeing what she ends up able to do.
Then the Goddess whispered, “You… You don’t belong here. What are you doing?! Why are you trying to kill me? I can save you! I can save everypony! Just like Twilight and her friends did.”
So sad, in at least a few different ways.
“Blessed Luna, full of strength, be a shield against the darkness and the nightmares. Be my silent protector against the darkness and our enemies. Grant me your mercy and protection . . . And empower me with the might to strike down your enemies.”
I like this. Is it a standardized prayer, or one she's coming up with on the spot (or a mix, as I could see the former being the case before the break and the latter after)?
“I serve Princess Luna. In service, I am forgiven for my sins.”
“You’ve killed… I can see it… You monster! Stay away!”
Luna knew what happened there, right? I hadn't thought about that until now. I wonder if she really could forgive Psalm for making that call.
“Oh, Celestia… I can see… I can see your thoughts! I can see… Manehattan? Canterlot? Hoofington? All gone?!” the Goddess wailed, and I heard the ghostly wails of other ponies already linked in Unity. “There’s nothing left out there but death, and you’re trying to kill me? I can save your life! Just like how I just saved Twilight’s! Please!”
The making of a monster. I wonder what might have been, if the Goddess didn't go down the memory-dump road; Trixie, after all, was never herself a monster in this continuity. And also why she ended up doing so.
“Huh?” I struggled for some explanation or reason.
Well, put Blackjack. That is exactly the appropriate response.
What I did is my own fault.
In my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done, and what I have failed to do. . .
Stupid cunt! . . . [Self loathing].
Hey, now! what would Luna think of that language? Also, didn't she love and value all of her little ponies?
“Someday, I want one good day. A day with music and dancing and good food. Some time when we can all be happy. Do you think I can just command one?”
You just had one, what, yesterday? Two days ago? Stop being selfish, Blackjack. [/irony]
“I think… I think you would have made her a better pony.”
Well, it is basically what you do.
I snorted and smiled back at her. “Of course not. I would have gotten us both stinking drunk, tattooed like zebras, and thrown in jail.”
Okay, that too. But couldn't it be both?
“Death to tyrants!” screamed a stallion behind me as I felt a prick in my shoulder. I turned, looking at one of the unicorn servants whose magic glowed around a carving knife stuck an inch or two into my body.
Well, after the somberness of the funeral, a little levity is welcome.
Thankfully, neither Glory nor P-21 had played the friend card yet.
How does that work when they're both friends? I guess Glory can use the girlfriend card, P-21 lays the oldest friend card?
I didn’t correct the onlookers on their assumption that I could kill with a thought from a hundred yards away.
Was she a hundred yards away, or is that just extrapolation on the part of the croud? Because if that's what the range was--dayum have the TK bullets ever improved!
“Do you have to?” I whined.
Yay whining!
“Several times removed!”
"We're not cousins--we're second cousins!"
"Let's do it."
“Don’t come in! I’m having wild royal rutting in here!” I called out in a surge of recklessness. Grace’s eyes grew wide.
“Dance lessons,” Grace replied primly, all hint of embarrassment gone as she turned, bowed her head once to me, “Cousin.” Then she turned and walked out. Oh, she was good.
. . . I wasn't expecting it to actually happen-ish. (Though Grace--and indeed Blackjack--don't seem to be thinking about the fact that Blackjack probably had a lot of closer cousins in 99.)
“I never met a guard immune to bribes, bullets, or blowjobs.”
Rampage? This seems like something Rampage would say, but it could be P-21.
“Aw, come and give me a hug!” she said, spreading her blood drenched forelegs wide as she grinned.
Now I want to see a picture of this, complete with intestine on her face. It'd be extra adorable in Ryx's style, but I don't know that blood and guts are really his thing.
“All I wanted was an airship,” I muttered.
You ask for so little, and look what you get in return!
The Society wanted to get to their fun and games, and I was the four hundred pound cyberpony futzing everything up.
. . . Fatty.
Apparently they were loaded; being one of the most reliable food suppliers for a post-apocalyptic wasteland brought in the caps. I’d also discovered that the Society didn’t have a firm monarch when it came to the money. Profits were split into a mind-numbing array of shares, half shares, quarter shares, and eighths, and sixteenths. That was after expenses, which were surprisingly high. Still, the Society took their money and bought everything from guns to old world relics, facilitating trade.
I'm getting flashes of Dune, and CHOAM in particular. (The food must flow!)
“I wonder if this is how Twilight and her friends felt? Having a thousand things that hundreds of thousands of lives counted on and not being able to ever really get any headway because once you finish one then another pops up and there’s nothing you can do. So you push harder and think harder and hope harder while you’re terrified that at any second it’s all going to fall apart and you’ll find out how many you killed--“
Is this modeled after a Twilight rant? It feels a bit like one.
“Can’t I just die for them and call it good?” I whispered as I pushed my face into her neck.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUxFiNlrDmA Blackjack just wants to be Optimus Prime. Is that so wrong?
You know, I now find Charm much less charming than I did last chapter.
“Watch out! They’re going to kill the hostage!” Charm shouted, glaring at the minotaur and ex-card-player.
And now it might be time for BJ to spank a child again. Seriously.
“Scotch. She’s all yours. Don’t kill her. She might come to her senses. And don’t let yourself be taken hostage by her again. Otherwise, I’m letting P-21 handle it. Understood?”
Remember, under the old English system, torture is a monarch's legitimate tool of state, as long as he explains why to his barons afterward. There's totes nothing wrong with this. Totes.
“How about you? Who do you think should run the Society?”
Peter Rabbit, South Park. Give it to Boo. (Such a bad idea!)
Boo gave a disgusted little noise, sticking her tongue out. I looked at her again. She couldn’t... but that was ridiculous. There was no way she could be hearing Dealer. It was impossible.
What? Interesting. Boo/BJ swap/something just got more likely.
[Lancer scene]
"So, Glory, I have this RP scenario I'd really like to try tonight. . ."
Forgot about Glory in estrus. Well, I hope no baby Dashes, too. But it's nice they're talking about it a little more calmly.
- Overall Thoughts:
- This was one funny chapter. From the series of assassination attempts, to the Lancer scene and more, I just found a ton really uplifting. A pity we didn't get to see Scotch "torture" Charm. I do wonder who Blackjack's going to give the crown to, but my bits are on Splendid, given the chat with Dealer. And if nothing else, he's probably the one under whom the Society is least likely to collapse rapidly.
Anyway, the memory was very engaging. It was interesting to see the Goddess at the very beginning, and while at first I thought she seemed almost innocent, and at least altruistic, it quickly fell apart with her vindictiveness toward Psalm. I wonder if, perhaps, that came not from Trixie, but Twilight--after all, Psalm's shot was one meant to take her mentor from her, and did take her lover, and quite possibly ruined Twilight's life, putting her on the path to being the head of a Ministry, separating her from her friends, ending the world. I'd like to think she was better than that, but there's a lot of direct, personal motivation for revenge there, and it was right as she was incorporated. It seemed like there may have been a reference to the Alicorn Amulet in there, and I'm not sure how I feel about that, as I just have trouble meshing Magic Duel with the decision to have her be the first alicorn test subject. Eh. Oh, and the imagery was really strong, too, which was also a strength in the funeral.
You know, in a way this feels almost like a chapter from the single digits or early teens. Closer to the old "get drunk, have fun, kill and maim bad ponies (and feel bad about it)" feel than there has been lately. Or maybe going through the backlog is just making me think of that point in the story.
- Edidting Matters:
- We should still stop them into Jelly.
Why is "Jelly" capitalized?
Still, while Scotch had dissipated a little of his anger with her support, I could see him one dismissive remark from exploding.
Should probably be "see him being one dismissive" or "I could see he was one dismissive."
No more than I wasn’t being self-destructive while swearing to never attempt to commit suicide again.
I think it should be "than I was."
A chaotic storm of blue energy flickered and flashed over the living magical mass; occasionally coalescing into a twisted, agonized mare.
Semicolon -> comma.
She pushed her way into a lab marked ‘experimental weapon development’ , around which was strewn thousands of pieces of junk, talismans, and half-completed weaponry.
Extraneous space between quotation mark and comma, "was strewn" should be "were strewn."
Manual discharge of Megaspell override per EC-1101 command.
"overridden?"
I can see your memories…” The Goddess said sympathetically.
"The" shouldn't be capitalized.
Not again!.
Extraneous period.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” the Goddess replied. Then a blue tendril wrapped itself around her throat. Her eyes bulged as she tried to aim the B.E.L. downwards, but more tendrils of magic curled around the weapon and twisted it away. Psalm’s eyes watered as more hooked around her body, starting to pull her downward.
Could a reference to Psalm by name be made earlier in the paragraph? Right now, it reads a little like the tendril is wrapping around the Goddess's throat.
The BEL went off, the ceiling exploding in green flame that rained debris down upon Psalm.
"B.E.L."
“But I think I can find something useful to do with you.
Needs ending quotation mark.
“But I can take the blame for the goddess’ control through Unity.”
"Goddess's" should be capitalized, and should have the "s" after the apostrophe.
and then began to eat it from the tip. bit off the end.
"Bit" should be capitalized.
“Being Queen sucks,” I muttered telepathically to Lacunae as I laid out on King Awesome’s bed --technically my bed now-- hugging a pillow and sulking.
The spacing around the dashes should be symmetric, either both sides closed, or both sides spaced.
The Stable Tec testbeds were amazing;
"Stable-Tec" should be hyphenated.
Not a whip in sight, and every serf looked like they’d been given a bath and an extra meal and commanded to smile at the “regent.”
Should those be single-quotes, with period outside?
They have something rare in the Wasteland; luxury.
Semicolong -> colon.
P-21 told the cyan Pegasus.
"pegasus" shouldn't be capitalized.
And Rampage, after multiple demands for her to wash and not wear pony entrails as a fashion statement, sat at my side boredly as my ‘champion.’
Period to outside of quotation marks.
We can hire mercenaries to take the Paradise Mall back from the slavers inhabiting it and lease it to the Finders.
Isn't the third sister a Finder herself? Is she still in charge of Pardise? (I guess the slavers took over from her, maybe? If so, does that make Bottlecap the winner?)
So instead, I felt myself even more anxious.
"I felt myself get even more anxious?"
“I’m following her Pipbuck tag,”
"PipBuck"
They might have been barred within, but one blow they broke free of their hinges and fell down to either side of me
"one blow and they" or "but one blow later" or something--I think it's currently missing a word.
then closed the door and locked it. Then, for good measure,
Triple space after the period.
“Don’t worry. I’m done throwing things for a while.
Need closing quotation mark after "while."
All the people he’s going to force to work; he may as well not even call them serfs any longer.
First part isn't independent clause: semicolon -> dash or comma.
So much virtue sacrificed in the name of ‘protection.’
Period to outside of quotation marks.
“And don’t bother yelling for help. Your friend is unconscious and the batspeach talisman makes you quite silent to any not wearing another talisman.
Needs closing quotation mark.
“I might be a unicorn, but trust me, I don’t know any magic capable of doing that. If I did my life would be a lot easier.
Needs closing quotation mark.
strong, striped, masculine body above- Stop.
Dash needs second hyphen. Probably no space after it, either, but less of a sure thing.
Words that are new to me (thanks for improving my vocabulary): "guttered" (that meaning); "gormless";
Well, that made my night. Thanks for all the work put into it. I hope things will start looking up a bit for you in the near future, Somber.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Fri Jun 21, 2013 11:53 pm
Ah, thank you; this has become the first item on the list, as the doc is currently full.Train Dodger wrote:Caught one:“Okay, fine. Had. We should still stop them into Jelly. I know Big Daddy would approve. Hey! Make him regent!” Rampage crowed eagerly.
Typo: [stop] > [stomp]
Oh, I don't think that there's a need for that. You could just put them in spoiler tags. Though it's generally assumed that, if one is reading the PH thread immediately after a chapter release without having read the chapter, one is to expect spoilers. It's how I operate with the All That Remains and Murky Number Seven threads; as soon as a new chapter is out, I stop reading the threads until I'm once again caught up.StoneSlinger88 wrote:Enjoyable chapter. I'll withhold my comments for a while, so I don't spoil anything.
Exodus Hero wrote:
- Spoiler:
"did" should be "died" here if I'm not mistaken.
StoneSlinger88 is correct here.StoneSlinger88 wrote:Exodus Hero wrote:
- Spoiler:
"did" should be "died" here if I'm not mistaken.
- Spoiler:
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Sat Jun 22, 2013 12:00 am
- Spoiler:
- Sooo I guess I'm alone in thinking that the glory splendid thing is OOC?
Guest- Guest
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sat Jun 22, 2013 12:04 am
Icy Shake wrote:Well, I sure wasn't expecting this so soon; I figured it'd be out Saturday or Sunday night. Well, I guess I'll just have to deal with it.
- Running Commentary:
Smart Blackjack is smart. But there still could be something going on.
I said as I looked at the ring of shiny, gaudy... tasty-looking... metal in my grasp.
Do it do it do it do it. Do it.
And then the world disappeared in a lavender burst of light.
I really am looking forward to seeing what she ends up able to do.
Then the Goddess whispered, “You… You don’t belong here. What are you doing?! Why are you trying to kill me? I can save you! I can save everypony! Just like Twilight and her friends did.”
So sad, in at least a few different ways.
“Blessed Luna, full of strength, be a shield against the darkness and the nightmares. Be my silent protector against the darkness and our enemies. Grant me your mercy and protection . . . And empower me with the might to strike down your enemies.”
I like this. Is it a standardized prayer, or one she's coming up with on the spot (or a mix, as I could see the former being the case before the break and the latter after)?
“I serve Princess Luna. In service, I am forgiven for my sins.”
“You’ve killed… I can see it… You monster! Stay away!”
Luna knew what happened there, right? I hadn't thought about that until now. I wonder if she really could forgive Psalm for making that call.
“Oh, Celestia… I can see… I can see your thoughts! I can see… Manehattan? Canterlot? Hoofington? All gone?!” the Goddess wailed, and I heard the ghostly wails of other ponies already linked in Unity. “There’s nothing left out there but death, and you’re trying to kill me? I can save your life! Just like how I just saved Twilight’s! Please!”
The making of a monster. I wonder what might have been, if the Goddess didn't go down the memory-dump road; Trixie, after all, was never herself a monster in this continuity. And also why she ended up doing so.
“Huh?” I struggled for some explanation or reason.
Well, put Blackjack. That is exactly the appropriate response.
What I did is my own fault.
In my thoughts and in my words, in what I have done, and what I have failed to do. . .
Stupid cunt! . . . [Self loathing].
Hey, now! what would Luna think of that language? Also, didn't she love and value all of her little ponies?
“Someday, I want one good day. A day with music and dancing and good food. Some time when we can all be happy. Do you think I can just command one?”
You just had one, what, yesterday? Two days ago? Stop being selfish, Blackjack. [/irony]
“I think… I think you would have made her a better pony.”
Well, it is basically what you do.
I snorted and smiled back at her. “Of course not. I would have gotten us both stinking drunk, tattooed like zebras, and thrown in jail.”
Okay, that too. But couldn't it be both?
“Death to tyrants!” screamed a stallion behind me as I felt a prick in my shoulder. I turned, looking at one of the unicorn servants whose magic glowed around a carving knife stuck an inch or two into my body.
Well, after the somberness of the funeral, a little levity is welcome.
Thankfully, neither Glory nor P-21 had played the friend card yet.
How does that work when they're both friends? I guess Glory can use the girlfriend card, P-21 lays the oldest friend card?
I didn’t correct the onlookers on their assumption that I could kill with a thought from a hundred yards away.
Was she a hundred yards away, or is that just extrapolation on the part of the croud? Because if that's what the range was--dayum have the TK bullets ever improved!
“Do you have to?” I whined.
Yay whining!
“Several times removed!”
"We're not cousins--we're second cousins!"
"Let's do it."
“Don’t come in! I’m having wild royal rutting in here!” I called out in a surge of recklessness. Grace’s eyes grew wide.
“Dance lessons,” Grace replied primly, all hint of embarrassment gone as she turned, bowed her head once to me, “Cousin.” Then she turned and walked out. Oh, she was good.
. . . I wasn't expecting it to actually happen-ish. (Though Grace--and indeed Blackjack--don't seem to be thinking about the fact that Blackjack probably had a lot of closer cousins in 99.)
“I never met a guard immune to bribes, bullets, or blowjobs.”
Rampage? This seems like something Rampage would say, but it could be P-21.
“Aw, come and give me a hug!” she said, spreading her blood drenched forelegs wide as she grinned.
Now I want to see a picture of this, complete with intestine on her face. It'd be extra adorable in Ryx's style, but I don't know that blood and guts are really his thing.
“All I wanted was an airship,” I muttered.
You ask for so little, and look what you get in return!
The Society wanted to get to their fun and games, and I was the four hundred pound cyberpony futzing everything up.
. . . Fatty.
Apparently they were loaded; being one of the most reliable food suppliers for a post-apocalyptic wasteland brought in the caps. I’d also discovered that the Society didn’t have a firm monarch when it came to the money. Profits were split into a mind-numbing array of shares, half shares, quarter shares, and eighths, and sixteenths. That was after expenses, which were surprisingly high. Still, the Society took their money and bought everything from guns to old world relics, facilitating trade.
I'm getting flashes of Dune, and CHOAM in particular. (The food must flow!)
“I wonder if this is how Twilight and her friends felt? Having a thousand things that hundreds of thousands of lives counted on and not being able to ever really get any headway because once you finish one then another pops up and there’s nothing you can do. So you push harder and think harder and hope harder while you’re terrified that at any second it’s all going to fall apart and you’ll find out how many you killed--“
Is this modeled after a Twilight rant? It feels a bit like one.
“Can’t I just die for them and call it good?” I whispered as I pushed my face into her neck.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wUxFiNlrDmA Blackjack just wants to be Optimus Prime. Is that so wrong?
You know, I now find Charm much less charming than I did last chapter.
“Watch out! They’re going to kill the hostage!” Charm shouted, glaring at the minotaur and ex-card-player.
And now it might be time for BJ to spank a child again. Seriously.
“Scotch. She’s all yours. Don’t kill her. She might come to her senses. And don’t let yourself be taken hostage by her again. Otherwise, I’m letting P-21 handle it. Understood?”
Remember, under the old English system, torture is a monarch's legitimate tool of state, as long as he explains why to his barons afterward. There's totes nothing wrong with this. Totes.
“How about you? Who do you think should run the Society?”
Peter Rabbit, South Park. Give it to Boo. (Such a bad idea!)
Boo gave a disgusted little noise, sticking her tongue out. I looked at her again. She couldn’t... but that was ridiculous. There was no way she could be hearing Dealer. It was impossible.
What? Interesting. Boo/BJ swap/something just got more likely.
[Lancer scene]
"So, Glory, I have this RP scenario I'd really like to try tonight. . ."
Forgot about Glory in estrus. Well, I hope no baby Dashes, too. But it's nice they're talking about it a little more calmly.
- Overall Thoughts:
Anyway, the memory was very engaging. It was interesting to see the Goddess at the very beginning, and while at first I thought she seemed almost innocent, and at least altruistic, it quickly fell apart with her vindictiveness toward Psalm. I wonder if, perhaps, that came not from Trixie, but Twilight--after all, Psalm's shot was one meant to take her mentor from her, and did take her lover, and quite possibly ruined Twilight's life, putting her on the path to being the head of a Ministry, separating her from her friends, ending the world. I'd like to think she was better than that, but there's a lot of direct, personal motivation for revenge there, and it was right as she was incorporated. It seemed like there may have been a reference to the Alicorn Amulet in there, and I'm not sure how I feel about that, as I just have trouble meshing Magic Duel with the decision to have her be the first alicorn test subject. Eh. Oh, and the imagery was really strong, too, which was also a strength in the funeral.
You know, in a way this feels almost like a chapter from the single digits or early teens. Closer to the old "get drunk, have fun, kill and maim bad ponies (and feel bad about it)" feel than there has been lately. Or maybe going through the backlog is just making me think of that point in the story.
- Edidting Matters:
Why is "Jelly" capitalized?
Still, while Scotch had dissipated a little of his anger with her support, I could see him one dismissive remark from exploding.
Should probably be "see him being one dismissive" or "I could see he was one dismissive."
No more than I wasn’t being self-destructive while swearing to never attempt to commit suicide again.
I think it should be "than I was."
A chaotic storm of blue energy flickered and flashed over the living magical mass; occasionally coalescing into a twisted, agonized mare.
Semicolon -> comma.
She pushed her way into a lab marked ‘experimental weapon development’ , around which was strewn thousands of pieces of junk, talismans, and half-completed weaponry.
Extraneous space between quotation mark and comma, "was strewn" should be "were strewn."
Manual discharge of Megaspell override per EC-1101 command.
"overridden?"
I can see your memories…” The Goddess said sympathetically.
"The" shouldn't be capitalized.
Not again!.
Extraneous period.
“I’m sorry to hear that,” the Goddess replied. Then a blue tendril wrapped itself around her throat. Her eyes bulged as she tried to aim the B.E.L. downwards, but more tendrils of magic curled around the weapon and twisted it away. Psalm’s eyes watered as more hooked around her body, starting to pull her downward.
Could a reference to Psalm by name be made earlier in the paragraph? Right now, it reads a little like the tendril is wrapping around the Goddess's throat.
The BEL went off, the ceiling exploding in green flame that rained debris down upon Psalm.
"B.E.L."
“But I think I can find something useful to do with you.
Needs ending quotation mark.
“But I can take the blame for the goddess’ control through Unity.”
"Goddess's" should be capitalized, and should have the "s" after the apostrophe.
and then began to eat it from the tip. bit off the end.
"Bit" should be capitalized.
“Being Queen sucks,” I muttered telepathically to Lacunae as I laid out on King Awesome’s bed --technically my bed now-- hugging a pillow and sulking.
The spacing around the dashes should be symmetric, either both sides closed, or both sides spaced.
The Stable Tec testbeds were amazing;
"Stable-Tec" should be hyphenated.
Not a whip in sight, and every serf looked like they’d been given a bath and an extra meal and commanded to smile at the “regent.”
Should those be single-quotes, with period outside?
They have something rare in the Wasteland; luxury.
Semicolong -> colon.
P-21 told the cyan Pegasus.
"pegasus" shouldn't be capitalized.
And Rampage, after multiple demands for her to wash and not wear pony entrails as a fashion statement, sat at my side boredly as my ‘champion.’
Period to outside of quotation marks.
We can hire mercenaries to take the Paradise Mall back from the slavers inhabiting it and lease it to the Finders.
Isn't the third sister a Finder herself? Is she still in charge of Pardise? (I guess the slavers took over from her, maybe? If so, does that make Bottlecap the winner?)
So instead, I felt myself even more anxious.
"I felt myself get even more anxious?"
“I’m following her Pipbuck tag,”
"PipBuck"
They might have been barred within, but one blow they broke free of their hinges and fell down to either side of me
"one blow and they" or "but one blow later" or something--I think it's currently missing a word.
then closed the door and locked it. Then, for good measure,
Triple space after the period.
“Don’t worry. I’m done throwing things for a while.
Need closing quotation mark after "while."
All the people he’s going to force to work; he may as well not even call them serfs any longer.
First part isn't independent clause: semicolon -> dash or comma.
So much virtue sacrificed in the name of ‘protection.’
Period to outside of quotation marks.
“And don’t bother yelling for help. Your friend is unconscious and the batspeach talisman makes you quite silent to any not wearing another talisman.
Needs closing quotation mark.
“I might be a unicorn, but trust me, I don’t know any magic capable of doing that. If I did my life would be a lot easier.
Needs closing quotation mark.
strong, striped, masculine body above- Stop.
Dash needs second hyphen. Probably no space after it, either, but less of a sure thing.
Words that are new to me (thanks for improving my vocabulary): "guttered" (that meaning); "gormless";
Well, that made my night. Thanks for all the work put into it. I hope things will start looking up a bit for you in the near future, Somber.
- Icy Shake suggested that I spoiler this:
- Ah, thank you as always. Your corrections have been added to the list.
…Okay, remember how I once said that I thought Lancer was sexy (to not much agreement)? And how I was one of the earliest proponents and possibly the namer of Gloryjack? Thanks to you, I just had to reboot my brain.Icy Shake wrote:[Lancer scene]
"So, Glory, I have this RP scenario I'd really like to try tonight. . ."
...and the images are neither entirely gone nor entirely unwelcome
And... Oh Luna, I just imagined that emoticon as Rainbow Glory expressing disapproval at our line of thought.
That was raised while writing the chapter, actually, but then we realized that Twilight still didn't know that Big Macintosh had been her lover and the father of her daughter; for all the Goddess knew, Big Macintosh had no closer personal relationship to Twilight than being a friend's sister.Icy Shake wrote:and did take her lover
Last edited by O. Hinds on Sat Jun 22, 2013 12:24 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sat Jun 22, 2013 12:06 am
Well, do remember, Glory is basically drugged with hormones at the moment, which she is not reluctant to complain about. It would certainly be OOC for normal-mental-state Glory, but she's just as aware and annoyed about this as you are.Last wrote:
- Spoiler:
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Sat Jun 22, 2013 12:08 am
Last wrote:
- Spoiler:
- Spoiler:
- No, I do as well. I'm very confused now, just, ugh brain hurts.
Guest- Guest
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Sat Jun 22, 2013 12:11 am
If you mean the heat then I would have to point out twist. I mean less that was retconned to say she willingly had sex with deus.
And then I have to point out enclave who would most certainly train mares to resist such urges.... Unless of course thunderhead doesn't care about such things
And then I have to point out enclave who would most certainly train mares to resist such urges.... Unless of course thunderhead doesn't care about such things
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Sat Jun 22, 2013 12:11 am
Last wrote:
- Spoiler:
- Spoiler:
- Well, that was kind of the point, and discussed at moderate length within the chapter itself. Sure, one might expect "better" from her, given her own stated feelings on the matter, but the whole issue is that she thinks and feels differently right now than normal.
Hinds, you might want to spoiler some of that.
- Spoiler:
- But I'm (glad?) to have (provided?). . .whatever it was for you. (And how do you know she wouldn't be all
instead?) And no, I did not know that about you: I think I joined the forums (waaaay) too late for that.
Man, I forgot that that was part of what was taken from her memories. That's kind of a big deal. A little disappointing, actually, since I sort of liked that line of thought.
Last edited by Icy Shake on Sat Jun 22, 2013 12:17 am; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : Getting the emoticon to show right.)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Sat Jun 22, 2013 12:14 am
Last wrote:
- Spoiler:
And then I have to point out enclave who would most certainly train mares to resist such urges.... Unless of course thunderhead doesn't care about such things
- Spoiler:
- I don't see how this would impact the Doof/Twist incident at all. As for training, well, it's not like training's never failed before, and it's established that it might be a real problem anyway, as why else would they send the males away like Glory said they did?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sat Jun 22, 2013 12:23 am
Oh, sorry.Icy Shake wrote:Last wrote:
- Spoiler:
- Spoiler:
Hinds, you might want to spoiler some of that.
- Spoiler:
Man, I forgot that that was part of what was taken from her memories. That's kind of a big deal. A little disappointing, actually, since I sort of liked that line of thought.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Sat Jun 22, 2013 12:24 am
- Spoiler:
- Sorry just learned of the patrol route thing. But really what I saying twist was that if the effect of heat are resistible even under the effects of alcohol why not train mares to do just that?
It sounds like an excuse if I'm absolutely honest.
Last edited by Last on Sat Jun 22, 2013 12:35 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Moodyman90 Sat Jun 22, 2013 12:25 am
So after a break to get some L4D2 in , since TF2 night was canceled, I finished the chapter.
Over all, I enjoyed the chapter. Sent me through the whole array of emotions.
Now, of the three children of King Awesome, Splendid's plan sounds like something that would be in a Fallout game. As such...
While I wasn't against Grace to start with, her attitude was off putting. As I assume was the intention I like her more this chapter. That said, I ain't trusting her too much until after the next chapter. Though her big part with Blackjack was very nice and a bit heartwarming for me.
Charm? *eye twitch* That's all I'm gonna say. I just hope Scotch Tape and Rampage have fun. Also, nice to see Pain Train again alive and well.
And then that ending.
Love the chapter! Found it quite enjoyable, a good read, and as always I look forward to the next chapter whenever it may be.
P.S. Boo is best queen!
Over all, I enjoyed the chapter. Sent me through the whole array of emotions.
Now, of the three children of King Awesome, Splendid's plan sounds like something that would be in a Fallout game. As such...
- Spoiler:
- what respect I had for him was lost. If not when he talked down about Grace's desire to root out the bad apples of the Society and give the *eye twitch* "serfs" more standing and pay them, then when he went on with his plans of getting more *pops neck* "serfs" and drugging them up to have more docile and productive workers.
While I wasn't against Grace to start with, her attitude was off putting. As I assume was the intention I like her more this chapter. That said, I ain't trusting her too much until after the next chapter. Though her big part with Blackjack was very nice and a bit heartwarming for me.
Charm? *eye twitch* That's all I'm gonna say. I just hope Scotch Tape and Rampage have fun. Also, nice to see Pain Train again alive and well.
And then that ending.
- Spoiler:
- Good lord poor Lancer. Congrats Somber, you made me feel for him. Not when he was kicked in the groin, I laughed at that part, but the rest of it I felt sorry for him. Blackjack can truly be an evil mare when she wants to be, even when she's being a paragon of Light.
Love the chapter! Found it quite enjoyable, a good read, and as always I look forward to the next chapter whenever it may be.
P.S. Boo is best queen!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sat Jun 22, 2013 12:27 am
Icy Shake wrote:
- Spoiler:
Man, I forgot that that was part of what was taken from her memories. That's kind of a big deal. A little disappointing, actually, since I sort of liked that line of thought.
- Spoiler:
Oh, she might be about the idea, but I expect that she might be less pleased about strangers discussing it. Also, um, I might be misinterpreting your syntax, but it seems that you may have been a bit taken aback. If so, sorry.
Aye. We quite liked that being brought up until we remembered "Oh, wait..."
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Sat Jun 22, 2013 12:35 am
O. Hinds wrote:Icy Shake wrote:
- Spoiler:
Man, I forgot that that was part of what was taken from her memories. That's kind of a big deal. A little disappointing, actually, since I sort of liked that line of thought.
- Spoiler:
Oh, she might be about the idea, but I expect that she might be less pleased about strangers discussing it. Also, um, I might be misinterpreting your syntax, but it seems that you may have been a bit taken aback. If so, sorry.
Aye. We quite liked that being brought up until we remembered "Oh, wait..."
- Spoiler:
- Oh, I can certainly see the talking being a problem. And no, I wasn't taken aback, just expressing uncertainty because I'm not 100% sure how you felt because text isn't always the ideal medium for expressing certain emotions and such. Besides, why would I be taken aback when I was the one immediately prompting it? I was hoping someone might get a laugh, or some kind of positive response from the comment. (Also, why does it keep killing the emoticon formatting? Guh.)
Stupid continuity getting in the way of character [not serious][maybe just a little].
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» [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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