Sister forum[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Harmony Ltd. Mon May 27, 2013 11:55 am
I played the whole game on Hardcore.
Coincidentally, I hated the Sierra Madre with a fiery passion.
Coincidentally, I hated the Sierra Madre with a fiery passion.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by tylertoon2 Mon May 27, 2013 12:39 pm
SilentCarto wrote:Holy crap.
I just started playing Dead Money on Hardcore for the first time. Holy crap. I can't help but think of this as "Canterlot Mode" now.
You are going to have so much fun in the end of it. Remember. let go
- Spoiler:
- Also I'm really mad you have no option to reunite Christine with Veronica in the end
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by tylertoon2 Mon May 27, 2013 1:21 pm
EDIT:Sorry my bad. Thought this was the official chat thread.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Mr. Snrub Tue May 28, 2013 6:42 am
I will just leave this here
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 27 Sic11](https://i.servimg.com/u/f80/18/32/91/56/sic11.jpg)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Tue May 28, 2013 8:02 am
Yeah, I've played through it before on not-Hardcore. This time, I managed to get away with six gold bars by stripping down to the essentials and leaving everything else in the safe in Vera's suite before I went in, then washing down some Buffout with alcohol to bump my Strength up to max. In the end, I even ditched my (ordinary perception-boosting) hat so I could grab one more bar.tylertoon2 wrote:You are going to have so much fun in the end of it. Remember. let go
I put one of the bars on my souvenier table, and I'm using another as a doorstop in the Lucky 38.
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 27 Pinkieshrugplz](http://a.deviantart.net/avatars/p/i/pinkieshrugplz.png?5)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Derpmind Tue May 28, 2013 8:27 am
Mr. Snrub wrote:I will just leave this here
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 27 Objection](https://2img.net/h/blogs.name.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/04/objection.jpg)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Caoimhe Tue May 28, 2013 9:03 am
Mr. Snrub wrote:I will just leave this here
It's almost as if they suddenly become somewhat normal and respectful to the absolute creator of the show once the identity is confirmed.
I like to think Lauren just got crazy drunk on seeing those Equestria Girls prototype dolls and decided to dive into the cesspool as a middle finger to Hasbro.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Harmony Ltd. Tue May 28, 2013 9:26 am
@ Derpmind :
I have to admit, that was a pretty funny video.
I have to admit, that was a pretty funny video.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Train Dodger Tue May 28, 2013 9:58 am
Continuing on with the proofing, the action heats up in Chapter 4:
- Chapter 4:
- Stable Overmare’s log 11-#231: There is a threat to my stable and my ponies. A threat within that must be dealt with. Numerous problems plague the stable, and I am certain of the cause: her name is Rivets. When I assumed the Overmare position, as per my right, she resisted me from the very beginning. Patronizing. Insulting. Countermanding and fighting me at every turn. I am the Overmare! Stable-Tec created my position, gave ME authority, but she believes the stable is hers. Worse, she has a significant following among the security ponies. The head of security herself dared countermand my arrest order! Oh, she claimed there was no law, but I am the law! Something will have to be done about the nag. I won’t let her do it to me again.
Prose: All-caps emphasis could be replaced with lowercase bold-italic text, but in this instance, it's almost allowable because of how downright bombastic the Overmare can be. Not Royal Canterlot Voice, but close.“Just! Just listen to your stupid recordings and leave me out of it, Blackjack. I don’t want to remember her or that place. Leave me out of it.” And he dug out a syringe of Med-X and injected it in his leg with a sigh. That always improved his mood.
Grammar: The "And" here seems unnecessary. Revised example:
[“Just! Just listen to your stupid recordings and leave me out of it, Blackjack. I don’t want to remember her or that place. Leave me out of it.” He dug out a syringe of Med-X and injected it in his leg with a sigh. That always improved his mood.]P-21 walked pensively besides me, hanging his head a little. “You’re blaming yourself for Duct Tape?”
Grammar: [besides] > [beside]He sighed and shook his head. “Seeking out death and danger for fun and profit,” he said with a sigh as he followed me. “What a life.”
Prose: Bit of repetition, there. Consider removing one or the other.“It’s a life,” I replied, “and that’s what you wanted, as I recall.” That drew a small smile. Keeping a tight grip on the end of the baton I prowled through the woods and underbrush. “But just in case this is something nasty, be ready to run!”
Grammar: Consider adding a comma between these two words.“Again with the running plan. Always a running plan. Never a sneaking and avoid a fight plan,” P-21 whispered as he limped along behind me.
Grammar: [avoid] > [avoiding]
With the way this sentence is worded, the verbs should all be in the same case. Since it happens in dialogue, one may reasonably assume that the error is P-21's. However, when read aloud, the sentence doesn't sound like a construction that your average English-speaker would naturally tend towards. It sounds forced.Suddenly a metallic equine head stepped into a gap between the trees.
Prose: A head stepped? I wasn't aware heads had legs, Blackjack. Might consider revising as follows:
[Suddenly, a metallic equine head emerged from a gap between the trees.]Its eyes flared bright red and from a port atop its head flashed a bright red beam that left a smoking black line on the leafless trees around us.
Prose: Repetition. Bright red appearing twice in this sentence in such a short span sounds awkward when read aloud. Consider revising:
[Its eyes flared like a pair of angry rubies, and from a port atop its head flashed a bright red beam that left a smoking black line on the leafless trees around us.]I hit S.A.T.S. at once and, as before, unleashed three blows on the machine’s head. Fast as I was as I made the attack, the laser proved faster and scorched a line across my neck. The third blow snapped something vital, and the entire head peeled off.
Grammar: Triple-space between words in bold.With a sharp pop of expanding air, a red bolt of energy shot out and left a singe on the concrete wall. A glance at my PipBuck confirmed: magic beam pistol. I also noted our location: Weather Monitoring Station 4.
Grammar: Triple-space between words in bold.“A beam pistol or an overpowered flashlight,” he said as he checked it with a soft sigh. ‘It’s been through the wringer too. Starting to rust.” He handed it back to me. “Well, you wanted a gun.”
Grammar: Sentence begins with a single-quote mark instead of double quotes.I ran towards the first as it stepped into the hallway to close the distance as much as possible before jumping into S.A.T.S.
Prose: With the way this is worded, it is not immediately clear whether it's Blackjack or the robot that's trying to close the distance. Revision example:
[I ran towards the first as it stepped into the hallway, hoping to close the distance as much as possible before jumping into S.A.T.S.]I carefully made my way through the ruins of the bottom floor, the magical beam box carefully pointed ahead of me at all times.
Prose: Repetition. Consider deleting one or the other.Reaching the door at the end of the hall, I bit the handle of the pistol, gently gripped the doorhandle with my magic, and slowly turned it, wincing at the grinding noise.
Typo: [doorhandle] > [door handle]Instantly a fusillade of crimson beams swung back and forth across the hallway as I backpeddled and ducked as fast as I could to the next doorway.
You what, Blackjack? You sold your back?
Typo: [backpeddled] > [backpedalled]My sole saving grace was this door was too narrow for them to pass through in unison.
Grammar: [was this] > [was that this]“What the heck?” I muttered, looking it over with the strange amber over glow that filled my vision.
Grammar: Might want to delete the highlighted word. It seems to have been duplicated in this sentence.It looked like my luck was enough to preserve my eye; was not getting shot in the first place was too much to ask?
Grammar: Delete the word in bold.I don’t know how P-21 got her to surrender her weapon, but she did.
Prose: Should be past tense. Revision example:
[I had no clue how P-21 got her to surrender her weapon, but she did.]
See notes at the end of this overview for more details.After everything that had happened in the last three days I think I’d finally reached the point of numb acceptance.
Prose: The words in present tense can be removed entirely without jeopardizing the overall theme of this sentence. Example:
[After everything that had happened in the last three days, I’d finally reached the point of numb acceptance.]I returned to the terminal room, looking at the pegasus in the corner, “Given that my eyes are glowing, I’d say shooting me was no harm, no foul. This time,” I said as I looked at her while she sipped the water slowly.
Grammar: Since the narrative segment doesn't split two pieces of dialogue and describes an action rather than a mode of speech, the comma should be replaced with a period. Example:
[I returned to the terminal room, looking at the pegasus in the corner. “Given that my eyes are glowing, I’d say shooting me was no harm, no foul. This time,” I said as I looked at her while she sipped the water slowly.]Even with my PipBuck lamp lit my eyes must still be glowing.
Prose: Should be past tense. Example:
[Even with my PipBuck lamp lit, my eyes must've still been glowing.]I rubbed the burn, feeling the magic healing the damage quickly. I tallied up how much I owed him just on healing potions he’d found stashed away or locked up.
Grammar: Triple-space between words in bold.“Yeah dude. Rainbow may be hot but, like, you got no chance man. Dude, isn’t she like the spokes horse for mare riders? Heh… yeah I hear that. So you check out my score on the last basketball match with monitor one? Shyeah, we kicked tail thanks to yours truly. Hey, what happened…?”
Grammar: Should be a compound word.
[spokes horse] > [spokeshorse]
Oh man, that seriously looks weird. Like a compound between "spoke" and "shorse" rather than "spokes" and "horse". Let's try that again:
[spokes horse] > [spokespony]
Better.“I got a whole bunch of kids from the Fluttershy clinic south of here! We need ponies to fly them out! Get them to the Shadowbolt Tower? Thunderhead? Somewhere! Come on you fuckers, I know you can hear us. I got a transmitter and power! Fuck! Answer me you fuckers!” He screamed into the recorder, his voice breaking into a peal of static.
Grammar: Word in bold should be lowercase.“Fuckers… fuckers abandoned us… told me… told me to stop transmitting… switched channels on me… fuckers… didn’t give a shit for the kids.” There was a spat of coughing.
Typo: Shouldn't this be "spate" of coughing?Damn it! I’d been fine when the bones were just bones. I didn’t want to think of dozens of foals dying slowly of radiation poisoning while someone, somewhere, casually let them die. “How could they?”
Grammar: Triple-space between words in bold.“There was nothing we could do,” she said a soft, buzzing drawl.
Grammar: [said a] > [said in a]
Also, that's a very odd way to describe Glory's voice. I have a hard time picturing what that would even sound like.I suppose it was some sort of military look or something.
Grammar: Should be past tense, but "supposed" - though gramatically-correct - looks a little bit odd in this sentence. Might want to try "assumed".Okay. Psychological trauma AND distrust. I knew exactly what this called for. “Want to do something about it?”
Prose: Might want to replace all-caps emphasis with lowercase italics.“Oh yeah, and its fun. You’ll find that out if you come with us.”
Typo: [its] > [it's]“Well, your call,” I said, gathering up Brolly’s remains in a bag. Outside, I found a tree and cleared out a hole at its base with my horn.
Grammar: Triple-space between words in bold.I spotted both of them looking at me oddly; P-21 looking approving and Morning Glory simply seemed confused.
Grammar/Prose: Double-space between "oddly;" and "P-21" should be single-space. Either "looking" should be "looked", or "seemed" should be "seeming" to match the case used in the rest of the sentence. Also, "looking" is used twice in a short span. Revision examples:
[I spotted both of them staring at me oddly; P-21 had an approving look and Morning Glory simply seemed confused.]
OR
[I spotted both of them looking at me oddly; P-21 looked approving and Morning Glory simply seemed confused.]
OR
[I spotted both of them looking at me oddly; P-21 looking approving and Morning Glory simply seeming confused.]There was some irony in that the raiders were based out of a diner along the road from Withers. If I hadn’t made that detour we’d be facing much stiffer resistance.
Prose: This information is repeated a few paragraphs later, as "The raiders were based out of a donut shop."
The timing is a little bit confusing, too, since it implies that they've already arrived at their destination. It takes the reader a while to figure out that Blackjack is describing the place beforehand, going off of information received either from Glory or her PipBuck.
What I would do is simply cut this entire line from the beginning of this paragraph (so that it starts with "As we journeyed back towards the west") and paste it over that line a few paragraphs down, with some modifications (changes indicated in bold), to make:
[There was some irony in that the raiders were based out of a donut shop along the road from Withers; if I hadn’t made that detour we’d be facing much stiffer resistance. A faded brown unicorn held a ring and the chipped lettering read ‘Pony Joe’s’. How cute, they’d nailed body parts to the hoof as sprinkles. Artistic and grotesque. The PipBuck detected only a sole hostile wandering out the back door. I glanced back at P-21. This would be a lot easier without him giving the alarm. I slowly slid the baton out of its holster.]As we journeyed back towards the west, I let Glory take some pot shots at the Bloatsprites.
Grammar: The term "pot shots" can be joined to form a valid one-word compound: "potshots".I slowly slid the baton out of the my holster.
Grammar: [the my] > [its]
The example above also includes this fix.He froze and slowly turned to stare at me. One eye was a swollen, pus dripping mass that couldn’t close.
Grammar: Might want to hyphenate "pus dripping" as "pus-dripping".“Squarr! Finish shittin and get in here! Squaaaaar!” A mare shrieked from the front.
Grammar: Should be an apostrophe to mark the dropped G.
[shittin] > [shittin']The third round effectively turned his skull into chunks and I immediately backed away. Red blasts of light peppered the doorway as I waited.
Grammar: Triple-space between words in bold.Sure enough one came around wearing a welding helmet.
Grammar: Should be a comma after "enough".The grenade’s explosion made my eardrums throb and blew pieces out of the remaining mare’s neck and head. She tried to draw a beam pistol, but my bullets bit into something arterial and a bloody spray spewed out from her neck as she collapsed, twitching.
Grammar: Triple-space between words in bold.Still backing up I ejected it and levitated a new one into the breach before diving out the back door.
Grammar/Typo: Needs a comma after "up". Also, it's "breech", not "breach", but this is incorrect terminology for automatic handguns anyway. Should read "mag well".She fired a shot that had to be by accident, smoking the gravel besides him.
Grammar: [besides] > [beside]The two beam rifles smoked as he tried to fire at the shaking gray pegasus. “Nooooo! Flash! FLASH!” the raider screamed as he looked at me rising.
Grammar: Triple-space between words in bold.P-21 had only been able to strip the weapons off the raiders and found a mixed number of rounds and other lousy weapons before he’d gotten sick.
Grammar/Prose: "P-21 had only been able to ... found".
[found] > [find]
What's mixed? The number, or the rounds?
[mixed number of] > [number of mixed]
OR
[mixed number of] > [number of assorted]“I’m not disarming her either, P-21. There are three of us and I can’t be the only one shooting. So, unless you’re going to start packing….”
Typo: Ellipsis has four periods instead of three.I’d thought that perpetual gray black layer was the sky. Learning that it wasn’t, that it was a mass of clouds perpetuated by the pegasi, really undermined the whole ‘Help Wastelanders’ argument.
Grammar/Prose: Perpetual appears twice in a short span, which seems a little awkward. Also, "gray black" should be hyphenated. Revision example:
[I’d thought that interminable gray-black layer was the sky. Learning that it wasn’t, that it was a mass of clouds perpetuated by the pegasi, really undermined the whole ‘Help Wastelanders’ argument.]I switched over to the radio channels, doubting that there was chance I’d pick up 99’s internal radio signals.
Grammar: [was chance] > [was a chance]“Turns out the road between Manehattan and the Hoof is just a little safer now thanks to a pair of ponies fresh from a stable. You’re gonna love this… looks like the Hoof has just a little more Security than a few days ago. That’s right, she’s got it displayed loud and proud. She’s already carved up the raiders from Withers all the way to Megamart, and she doesn’t look like she’s going to be stopping any time soon. So here’s a big thank you from DJ Pon3 to the Security Mare. Looking forward to see what law and order you bring down next.”
Grammar: [see] > [seeing]“Well… what about that bringing down law and order? I’m not doing that. And he didn’t even mention you!”
Grammar/Prose: That part should probably be in single-quotes. Revision example:
[“Well… what about that 'bringing down law and order' stuff? I’m not doing that. And he didn’t even mention you!”]
As for not mentioning P-21, Homage did say "pair of ponies fresh from a stable" during her broadcast, though she wasn't very specific. I suppose that could count as "not mentioning".
* * * * * * *
There a few spots in this chapter that lapse into present tense, but those fixes are totally optional. Mixing past and present tense could be considered a stylistic choice. However, it might make for a confusing read.
I noticed that Somber generally uses the British English rules for double consonants, so in keeping with that theme, I used the correction "backpedalled" rather than "backpedaled". I also note that this isn't consistent. In this very chapter, the spelling "marveled" is used instead of "marvelled". American English or UK English: which is it going to be?
For shits and grins, I used my laser printer to duplex-print the first three chapters, and then I hole-punched 'em and stuck 'em in a three-ring binder. Since I absolutely despise Arial (or most any sans-serif typeface when used for printed novels), I switched the font to 12-point Minion Pro. Those really skinny serif fonts are horrible on computer displays due to all the aliasing, but they look fantastic when printed out.
It would take maybe nine binders with one-inch rings (and a few hours of nonstop printing; this Oki B431dn is hella fast) to hold the entire story, at this point.
It's big. Really big.
* * * * * * *
Damn roboponies.
Morning Glory joins Blackjack's rapidly-growing crew. Yeah, see? She's got a buzz cut. Fan artists, take note.
Ambushed him while he was takin' a dump, eh? Well, everyone's got to shit sometime. Soon, Blackjack. Soon, your turn shall come.
And thus, the legend of Security was born.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Kippershy Tue May 28, 2013 11:39 am
You'd be a fool to believe that those videos accurately portray the real everyday goings on.Derpmind wrote:*snip*
A lot of that "I want to cum inside rainbowdash" and other such stuff are silly memes that outsiders take seriously, hence why we continue.
Edit: Mind you, if you're taking it as a laugh (which it's intended to be) then sure, my bad.
Caoimhe wrote:Mr. Snrub wrote:I will just leave this here
It's almost as if they suddenly become somewhat normal and respectful to the absolute creator of the show once the identity is confirmed.
I like to think Lauren just got crazy drunk on seeing those Equestria Girls prototype dolls and decided to dive into the cesspool as a middle finger to Hasbro.
I'm really disliking your attitude. I'll stop here, but yeah.
On a brighter note, happy birthday Somber.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by StoneSlinger88 Tue May 28, 2013 2:15 pm
What? Hey happy birthday man!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Stringtheory Tue May 28, 2013 2:16 pm
Happy birthday Somber!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Kippershy Tue May 28, 2013 2:21 pm
I'm pretty sure anyway. Ryx had a tumblr post about it, I'd have to go through a lot of stuff in my inbox to confirm this however.
Does sound right for about a year ago, mind you.
Does sound right for about a year ago, mind you.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Tue May 28, 2013 2:27 pm
@Faust
It was nice of her to drop in, as she's always been quite friendly and has good insights. It's a shame that there are those who are going to, as usual, take this to dramatown or use it as an excuse to irritate others, BUT that doesn't change the fact that she dropped some cool information and had some positive interactions.
@Somberthday
Waaaat! Happy frickin' birthday, then! (I can never remember these, so thanks Kipper for doing so; also that Wavey picture is great)
It was nice of her to drop in, as she's always been quite friendly and has good insights. It's a shame that there are those who are going to, as usual, take this to dramatown or use it as an excuse to irritate others, BUT that doesn't change the fact that she dropped some cool information and had some positive interactions.
@Somberthday
Waaaat! Happy frickin' birthday, then! (I can never remember these, so thanks Kipper for doing so; also that Wavey picture is great)
Guest- Guest
Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Tue May 28, 2013 2:34 pm
I wonder how far you would get overloaded with Fast Times and a minute's worth of Turbo.tylertoon2 wrote:You are going to have so much fun in the end of it. Remember. let go
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Kippershy Tue May 28, 2013 3:07 pm
For anyone curious as to what Waves' latest pic is.
http://wavemasterryx.tumblr.com/post/51553588273
http://wavemasterryx.tumblr.com/post/51553588273
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by FeatherDust Tue May 28, 2013 3:19 pm
Dear Somber:
(to the tube of the Volga Boatman)
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday.
May the candles on your cake
Burn like cities in your wake.
Happy birthdaaay.
(to the tube of the Volga Boatman)
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday.
May the candles on your cake
Burn like cities in your wake.
Happy birthdaaay.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Harmony Ltd. Tue May 28, 2013 3:21 pm
lolFeatherDust wrote:Dear Somber:
(to the tube of the Volga Boatman)
Happy birthday.
Happy birthday.
May the candles on your cake
Burn like cities in your wake.
Happy birthdaaay.
Don't you think such a tune may sound a bit... somber ?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by FeatherDust Tue May 28, 2013 3:28 pm
I definitely read Trixie's comment in the original FoR as implying prostitution. That said, we certainly don't know how long that lasted, and I'm sure the scene Blackjack saw was not a true memory, but rather a representation; a combination of real events, how those events made her feel, and so on. Maybe a client did make a disparaging remark at some point, but this is the exaggerated memory; something that was objectively not that bad has an oversized effect because she was already feeling worthless and ashamed because of the act.
Why would you call that a troll? I don't think you know what that word means.Derpmind wrote:SilentCarto wrote:Point being, Equestria Girls makes FOE canon. Or at least, potentially canon...![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 27 3007958872](https://2img.net/u/2516/12/35/12/smiles/3007958872.png)
The existence of multiple worlds that have strange parallels is not proof of a multiverse where every possible world exists. Good troll though, 6/10.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Harmony Ltd. Tue May 28, 2013 3:29 pm
While we're talking about Somber...
Anyone heard about him in the last week ?
Anyone heard about him in the last week ?
Last edited by Harmony Ltd. on Tue May 28, 2013 3:54 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Typos, typos everywhere)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Tue May 28, 2013 3:47 pm
I think I saw him online on Gmail recently.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by RoboRed Tue May 28, 2013 4:44 pm
Ye gods, yes.Kippershy wrote:For anyone curious as to what Waves' latest pic is.
http://wavemasterryx.tumblr.com/post/51553588273
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by WavemasterRyx Tue May 28, 2013 5:54 pm
Ah, thanks. I really don't remember why I decided not to post it here myself...Kippershy wrote:For anyone curious as to what Waves' latest pic is.
http://wavemasterryx.tumblr.com/post/51553588273
Thank you, OAC. I actually can't remember birthdays at all, that's why I write them down on my notepad for keeping track of drawing ideas.Overlong Analysis Cobalt wrote:@Somberthday
Waaaat! Happy frickin'
birthday, then! (I can never remember these, so thanks Kipper for doing
so; also that Wavey picture is great)
I'm glad you like it, Robo.RoboRed wrote:Ye gods, yes.
Happy birthday again, Somber, and my best wishes for you. *hugs you gently*
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Derpmind Tue May 28, 2013 6:34 pm
I poked his joke with a joke. Equestria Girls = FOE canon is associating FOE with the squick of Equestria Girls. I called it a 'troll' because it provokes an emotional response, but I never meant to imply that SilentCarto was actually causing anyone harm. 6/10 is because it's a decent bit of "The horror, the horror!" humor.FeatherDust wrote:Why would you call that a troll? I don't think you know what that word means.Derpmind wrote:SilentCarto wrote:Point being, Equestria Girls makes FOE canon. Or at least, potentially canon...
The existence of multiple worlds that have strange parallels is not proof of a multiverse where every possible world exists. Good troll though, 6/10.
I hope you're having a
Last edited by Derpmind on Tue May 28, 2013 6:38 pm; edited 1 time in total
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Valikdu Tue May 28, 2013 6:35 pm
*equips shades onto Harmony*Harmony Ltd. wrote:Don't you think such a tune may sound a bit...
YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAHsomber?
...ahem.
Happy birthday Somber?
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 27 1639762117](https://2img.net/u/2516/12/35/12/smiles/1639762117.png)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Tue May 28, 2013 8:44 pm
:D Your baby is great! Happy babies make me happy.swicked wrote:Yay somber. I didn't get anything, so here's a new picture of my baby:
I swear, it's like he's made of happiness.
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 27 N](https://dl.dropboxusercontent.com/u/57571524/misc/n.jpg)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Tue May 28, 2013 9:02 pm
Ah, thank you very much.Train Dodger wrote:Continuing on with the proofing, the action heats up in Chapter 4:
- Chapter 4:
Prose: All-caps emphasis could be replaced with lowercase bold-italic text, but in this instance, it's almost allowable because of how downright bombastic the Overmare can be. Not Royal Canterlot Voice, but close.“Just! Just listen to your stupid recordings and leave me out of it, Blackjack. I don’t want to remember her or that place. Leave me out of it.” And he dug out a syringe of Med-X and injected it in his leg with a sigh. That always improved his mood.
Grammar: The "And" here seems unnecessary. Revised example:
[“Just! Just listen to your stupid recordings and leave me out of it, Blackjack. I don’t want to remember her or that place. Leave me out of it.” He dug out a syringe of Med-X and injected it in his leg with a sigh. That always improved his mood.]P-21 walked pensively besides me, hanging his head a little. “You’re blaming yourself for Duct Tape?”
Grammar: [besides] > [beside]He sighed and shook his head. “Seeking out death and danger for fun and profit,” he said with a sigh as he followed me. “What a life.”
Prose: Bit of repetition, there. Consider removing one or the other.“It’s a life,” I replied, “and that’s what you wanted, as I recall.” That drew a small smile. Keeping a tight grip on the end of the baton I prowled through the woods and underbrush. “But just in case this is something nasty, be ready to run!”
Grammar: Consider adding a comma between these two words.“Again with the running plan. Always a running plan. Never a sneaking and avoid a fight plan,” P-21 whispered as he limped along behind me.
Grammar: [avoid] > [avoiding]
With the way this sentence is worded, the verbs should all be in the same case. Since it happens in dialogue, one may reasonably assume that the error is P-21's. However, when read aloud, the sentence doesn't sound like a construction that your average English-speaker would naturally tend towards. It sounds forced.Suddenly a metallic equine head stepped into a gap between the trees.
Prose: A head stepped? I wasn't aware heads had legs, Blackjack. Might consider revising as follows:
[Suddenly, a metallic equine head emerged from a gap between the trees.]Its eyes flared bright red and from a port atop its head flashed a bright red beam that left a smoking black line on the leafless trees around us.
Prose: Repetition. Bright red appearing twice in this sentence in such a short span sounds awkward when read aloud. Consider revising:
[Its eyes flared like a pair of angry rubies, and from a port atop its head flashed a bright red beam that left a smoking black line on the leafless trees around us.]I hit S.A.T.S. at once and, as before, unleashed three blows on the machine’s head. Fast as I was as I made the attack, the laser proved faster and scorched a line across my neck. The third blow snapped something vital, and the entire head peeled off.
Grammar: Triple-space between words in bold.With a sharp pop of expanding air, a red bolt of energy shot out and left a singe on the concrete wall. A glance at my PipBuck confirmed: magic beam pistol. I also noted our location: Weather Monitoring Station 4.
Grammar: Triple-space between words in bold.“A beam pistol or an overpowered flashlight,” he said as he checked it with a soft sigh. ‘It’s been through the wringer too. Starting to rust.” He handed it back to me. “Well, you wanted a gun.”
Grammar: Sentence begins with a single-quote mark instead of double quotes.I ran towards the first as it stepped into the hallway to close the distance as much as possible before jumping into S.A.T.S.
Prose: With the way this is worded, it is not immediately clear whether it's Blackjack or the robot that's trying to close the distance. Revision example:
[I ran towards the first as it stepped into the hallway, hoping to close the distance as much as possible before jumping into S.A.T.S.]I carefully made my way through the ruins of the bottom floor, the magical beam box carefully pointed ahead of me at all times.
Prose: Repetition. Consider deleting one or the other.Reaching the door at the end of the hall, I bit the handle of the pistol, gently gripped the doorhandle with my magic, and slowly turned it, wincing at the grinding noise.
Typo: [doorhandle] > [door handle]Instantly a fusillade of crimson beams swung back and forth across the hallway as I backpeddled and ducked as fast as I could to the next doorway.
You what, Blackjack? You sold your back?
Typo: [backpeddled] > [backpedalled]My sole saving grace was this door was too narrow for them to pass through in unison.
Grammar: [was this] > [was that this]“What the heck?” I muttered, looking it over with the strange amber over glow that filled my vision.
Grammar: Might want to delete the highlighted word. It seems to have been duplicated in this sentence.It looked like my luck was enough to preserve my eye; was not getting shot in the first place was too much to ask?
Grammar: Delete the word in bold.I don’t know how P-21 got her to surrender her weapon, but she did.
Prose: Should be past tense. Revision example:
[I had no clue how P-21 got her to surrender her weapon, but she did.]
See notes at the end of this overview for more details.After everything that had happened in the last three days I think I’d finally reached the point of numb acceptance.
Prose: The words in present tense can be removed entirely without jeopardizing the overall theme of this sentence. Example:
[After everything that had happened in the last three days, I’d finally reached the point of numb acceptance.]I returned to the terminal room, looking at the pegasus in the corner, “Given that my eyes are glowing, I’d say shooting me was no harm, no foul. This time,” I said as I looked at her while she sipped the water slowly.
Grammar: Since the narrative segment doesn't split two pieces of dialogue and describes an action rather than a mode of speech, the comma should be replaced with a period. Example:
[I returned to the terminal room, looking at the pegasus in the corner. “Given that my eyes are glowing, I’d say shooting me was no harm, no foul. This time,” I said as I looked at her while she sipped the water slowly.]Even with my PipBuck lamp lit my eyes must still be glowing.
Prose: Should be past tense. Example:
[Even with my PipBuck lamp lit, my eyes must've still been glowing.]I rubbed the burn, feeling the magic healing the damage quickly. I tallied up how much I owed him just on healing potions he’d found stashed away or locked up.
Grammar: Triple-space between words in bold.“Yeah dude. Rainbow may be hot but, like, you got no chance man. Dude, isn’t she like the spokes horse for mare riders? Heh… yeah I hear that. So you check out my score on the last basketball match with monitor one? Shyeah, we kicked tail thanks to yours truly. Hey, what happened…?”
Grammar: Should be a compound word.
[spokes horse] > [spokeshorse]
Oh man, that seriously looks weird. Like a compound between "spoke" and "shorse" rather than "spokes" and "horse". Let's try that again:
[spokes horse] > [spokespony]
Better.“I got a whole bunch of kids from the Fluttershy clinic south of here! We need ponies to fly them out! Get them to the Shadowbolt Tower? Thunderhead? Somewhere! Come on you fuckers, I know you can hear us. I got a transmitter and power! Fuck! Answer me you fuckers!” He screamed into the recorder, his voice breaking into a peal of static.
Grammar: Word in bold should be lowercase.“Fuckers… fuckers abandoned us… told me… told me to stop transmitting… switched channels on me… fuckers… didn’t give a shit for the kids.” There was a spat of coughing.
Typo: Shouldn't this be "spate" of coughing?Damn it! I’d been fine when the bones were just bones. I didn’t want to think of dozens of foals dying slowly of radiation poisoning while someone, somewhere, casually let them die. “How could they?”
Grammar: Triple-space between words in bold.“There was nothing we could do,” she said a soft, buzzing drawl.
Grammar: [said a] > [said in a]
Also, that's a very odd way to describe Glory's voice. I have a hard time picturing what that would even sound like.I suppose it was some sort of military look or something.
Grammar: Should be past tense, but "supposed" - though gramatically-correct - looks a little bit odd in this sentence. Might want to try "assumed".Okay. Psychological trauma AND distrust. I knew exactly what this called for. “Want to do something about it?”
Prose: Might want to replace all-caps emphasis with lowercase italics.“Oh yeah, and its fun. You’ll find that out if you come with us.”
Typo: [its] > [it's]“Well, your call,” I said, gathering up Brolly’s remains in a bag. Outside, I found a tree and cleared out a hole at its base with my horn.
Grammar: Triple-space between words in bold.I spotted both of them looking at me oddly; P-21 looking approving and Morning Glory simply seemed confused.
Grammar/Prose: Double-space between "oddly;" and "P-21" should be single-space. Either "looking" should be "looked", or "seemed" should be "seeming" to match the case used in the rest of the sentence. Also, "looking" is used twice in a short span. Revision examples:
[I spotted both of them staring at me oddly; P-21 had an approving look and Morning Glory simply seemed confused.]
OR
[I spotted both of them looking at me oddly; P-21 looked approving and Morning Glory simply seemed confused.]
OR
[I spotted both of them looking at me oddly; P-21 looking approving and Morning Glory simply seeming confused.]There was some irony in that the raiders were based out of a diner along the road from Withers. If I hadn’t made that detour we’d be facing much stiffer resistance.
Prose: This information is repeated a few paragraphs later, as "The raiders were based out of a donut shop."
The timing is a little bit confusing, too, since it implies that they've already arrived at their destination. It takes the reader a while to figure out that Blackjack is describing the place beforehand, going off of information received either from Glory or her PipBuck.
What I would do is simply cut this entire line from the beginning of this paragraph (so that it starts with "As we journeyed back towards the west") and paste it over that line a few paragraphs down, with some modifications (changes indicated in bold), to make:
[There was some irony in that the raiders were based out of a donut shop along the road from Withers; if I hadn’t made that detour we’d be facing much stiffer resistance. A faded brown unicorn held a ring and the chipped lettering read ‘Pony Joe’s’. How cute, they’d nailed body parts to the hoof as sprinkles. Artistic and grotesque. The PipBuck detected only a sole hostile wandering out the back door. I glanced back at P-21. This would be a lot easier without him giving the alarm. I slowly slid the baton out of its holster.]As we journeyed back towards the west, I let Glory take some pot shots at the Bloatsprites.
Grammar: The term "pot shots" can be joined to form a valid one-word compound: "potshots".I slowly slid the baton out of the my holster.
Grammar: [the my] > [its]
The example above also includes this fix.He froze and slowly turned to stare at me. One eye was a swollen, pus dripping mass that couldn’t close.
Grammar: Might want to hyphenate "pus dripping" as "pus-dripping".“Squarr! Finish shittin and get in here! Squaaaaar!” A mare shrieked from the front.
Grammar: Should be an apostrophe to mark the dropped G.
[shittin] > [shittin']The third round effectively turned his skull into chunks and I immediately backed away. Red blasts of light peppered the doorway as I waited.
Grammar: Triple-space between words in bold.Sure enough one came around wearing a welding helmet.
Grammar: Should be a comma after "enough".The grenade’s explosion made my eardrums throb and blew pieces out of the remaining mare’s neck and head. She tried to draw a beam pistol, but my bullets bit into something arterial and a bloody spray spewed out from her neck as she collapsed, twitching.
Grammar: Triple-space between words in bold.Still backing up I ejected it and levitated a new one into the breach before diving out the back door.
Grammar/Typo: Needs a comma after "up". Also, it's "breech", not "breach", but this is incorrect terminology for automatic handguns anyway. Should read "mag well".She fired a shot that had to be by accident, smoking the gravel besides him.
Grammar: [besides] > [beside]The two beam rifles smoked as he tried to fire at the shaking gray pegasus. “Nooooo! Flash! FLASH!” the raider screamed as he looked at me rising.
Grammar: Triple-space between words in bold.P-21 had only been able to strip the weapons off the raiders and found a mixed number of rounds and other lousy weapons before he’d gotten sick.
Grammar/Prose: "P-21 had only been able to ... found".
[found] > [find]
What's mixed? The number, or the rounds?
[mixed number of] > [number of mixed]
OR
[mixed number of] > [number of assorted]“I’m not disarming her either, P-21. There are three of us and I can’t be the only one shooting. So, unless you’re going to start packing….”
Typo: Ellipsis has four periods instead of three.I’d thought that perpetual gray black layer was the sky. Learning that it wasn’t, that it was a mass of clouds perpetuated by the pegasi, really undermined the whole ‘Help Wastelanders’ argument.
Grammar/Prose: Perpetual appears twice in a short span, which seems a little awkward. Also, "gray black" should be hyphenated. Revision example:
[I’d thought that interminable gray-black layer was the sky. Learning that it wasn’t, that it was a mass of clouds perpetuated by the pegasi, really undermined the whole ‘Help Wastelanders’ argument.]I switched over to the radio channels, doubting that there was chance I’d pick up 99’s internal radio signals.
Grammar: [was chance] > [was a chance]“Turns out the road between Manehattan and the Hoof is just a little safer now thanks to a pair of ponies fresh from a stable. You’re gonna love this… looks like the Hoof has just a little more Security than a few days ago. That’s right, she’s got it displayed loud and proud. She’s already carved up the raiders from Withers all the way to Megamart, and she doesn’t look like she’s going to be stopping any time soon. So here’s a big thank you from DJ Pon3 to the Security Mare. Looking forward to see what law and order you bring down next.”
Grammar: [see] > [seeing]“Well… what about that bringing down law and order? I’m not doing that. And he didn’t even mention you!”
Grammar/Prose: That part should probably be in single-quotes. Revision example:
[“Well… what about that 'bringing down law and order' stuff? I’m not doing that. And he didn’t even mention you!”]
As for not mentioning P-21, Homage did say "pair of ponies fresh from a stable" during her broadcast, though she wasn't very specific. I suppose that could count as "not mentioning".
* * * * * * *
There a few spots in this chapter that lapse into present tense, but those fixes are totally optional. Mixing past and present tense could be considered a stylistic choice. However, it might make for a confusing read.
I noticed that Somber generally uses the British English rules for double consonants, so in keeping with that theme, I used the correction "backpedalled" rather than "backpedaled". I also note that this isn't consistent. In this very chapter, the spelling "marveled" is used instead of "marvelled". American English or UK English: which is it going to be?
For shits and grins, I used my laser printer to duplex-print the first three chapters, and then I hole-punched 'em and stuck 'em in a three-ring binder. Since I absolutely despise Arial (or most any sans-serif typeface when used for printed novels), I switched the font to 12-point Minion Pro. Those really skinny serif fonts are horrible on computer displays due to all the aliasing, but they look fantastic when printed out.
It would take maybe nine binders with one-inch rings (and a few hours of nonstop printing; this Oki B431dn is hella fast) to hold the entire story, at this point.
It's big. Really big.
* * * * * * *
Damn roboponies.
Morning Glory joins Blackjack's rapidly-growing crew. Yeah, see? She's got a buzz cut. Fan artists, take note.
Ambushed him while he was takin' a dump, eh? Well, everyone's got to shit sometime. Soon, Blackjack. Soon, your turn shall come.
And thus, the legend of Security was born.
That's probably not so much Somber as the writing team having members from both sides of the Atlantic. :)Train Dodger wrote:I noticed that Somber generally uses the British English rules for double consonants, so in keeping with that theme, I used the correction "backpedalled" rather than "backpedaled". I also note that this isn't consistent. In this very chapter, the spelling "marveled" is used instead of "marvelled". American English or UK English: which is it going to be?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Tue May 28, 2013 9:02 pm
I know that I already sent you an email saying this, but happy birthday, Somber!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by StoneSlinger88 Tue May 28, 2013 9:11 pm
We're giving pic-presents? I have one!
- Spoiler:
- Sometimes you just gotta relax, Somber.
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 27 53561410](https://i.servimg.com/u/f81/18/15/93/03/53561410.jpg)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Somber Tue May 28, 2013 11:21 pm
Thanks for the pics. Thank you Ryx. Cute baby. I think they evolved to be cute so we wouldn't eat them like hamsters. Unfortunately, atm I am sick as a dog with the head crud. Hit me like a ton of hammers.
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