Fallout Equestria: All That Remains

[CamoBadger]

Welcome to the technically-officialish-discussion-of-anything-sometimes-including-this-story-thread for Fallout Equestria: All That Remains.

In addition to random discussions that might relate to the story whenever it maybe updates, I'll also post news on when a chapter is released, how long it will be until I'm done with a new chapter (usually an estimate that could be up to 7 days off), and any art that is done for the story (as if anyone draws fanart for this story ).

As with all threads, please obey all rules including but not limited to:
- No use of derogatory terms against other members of the forum
- No spamming
- No posting of pornographic or otherwise revealing content (including stories, pictures, videos, etc.) not even links to these things will be tolerated
- If posting graphically violent content please mark it as such CLEARLY (preferably involving spoiler tags)
- Keep discussions civil
- Don't cuss unless you've seen me do it

And of course: Have fun and try not to take anything I say too seriously unless it sounds like I'm being serious (aka angry)

Have some story links!
Google Docs Hub Page

FimFiction Page

And now we have a new Tumblr page for story art/maybe updates!
ATR Tumblr

Also, being serious, please don't be afraid to post feedback. Even if it's to say I suck at writing, let me know and I'll be civil and accept that I'm awful. I love hearing what people think about my writing and it makes me super happy to see any kind of feedback just because that means someone took time from their day to tell me what they think, and that makes my day. So please, feel free to post it here, on the FiMPage, or PM me on either site, I promise I'll respond ASAP unless you're asking for a spoiler or answering a question would spoil something; then you won't hear anything from me  

[IncoherentOrange]

Last time I re-wrote something, it turned out a lot better and a lot different, too. Hurrah for learning! If it makes you feel better, you're a better author than I; I read some of your old work, and it was great, don't say it's not, but never be too confident. I read some of my work the same day, and it was mediocre.

Anyway, good for you, hope it gets the attention it deserves!

[Ketchup]

I know that this is a stupid reason, but I can't read the font. It's giving me a headache.

[CamoBadger]

I can try to change up the font, I just used what my computer defaults to.

[CamoBadger]

So, I've added a new link to the original post, which leads to an alternate version of the prologue.
Not too much of a difference overall; I changed the font, and it does make it larger and easier to read (at least to me). Other than that, I removed Felix's POV and replaced it with the same scene, but from Shayle's perspective.
Like I said, not much of a difference, but I'd like to know if it makes it better to stay only on Shayle's POV instead of switching.
I hope it's still readable.

[Kippershy]

Haven't read it yet -- I will do at some point, but I just wanted to say something.

In my story, I do multiple perspective between the two main characters, Crimson [the fully main character] and Cherry [the second main character, whom joins him in chapter one.]

I didn't switch perspective until something like chapter six, and even now I use perspective change more as a way to continue the story while Crimson is 'down' from injury or such.
Still, it also gives me the chance to show the world through Cherry's perspective and really show what she thinks and feels on a personal level that just doesn't show otherwise.

How is that all important?


Well, my readers enjoy it, is what makes all that important.
My readers like to see the contrasting views between Crimson Wings and Cherry Sundae. It changes the action with their different styles of fighting, it changes the FPV feelings on each situation and just... yeah.

So I say, if you think you can handle it, go for it.
Try to keep one main focus perhaps, the leader of the two keeping most of the spotlight, though don't be afraid to go for a whole chapter in one of the two's hooves.

[IncoherentOrange]

It's neat when you have first person variable perspective. More viewpoints and more development for your protagonists. It also makes for interesting interaction, especially if, in the case of two--as it looks like all three of us have been playing with--if they're foils to one another or something, and both of their viewpoints and opinions, while perhaps contradictory, are valid and strong. So you can see more angles, to immerse the reader further. There's also the bonus of changing perspective whenever you want, should one character's role get more difficult to write for a scene or two, and you'd rather write from the other party's PoV.

[CamoBadger]

That actually...is a really good point Kipper. My main goal behind showing Felix's side at points was because they have very different outlooks, and as those in the RP know, Shayle tends to do things without thinking, and they aren't very savory things. I really wanted to show Felix's opinions on those events because it will provide another side, but as IncoherentOrange stated, both sides could be justified depending on the person (or zebra in this case).

If you don't mind, I might just use your idea of switching to Felix if Shayle is out of action in some way.

[CamoBadger]

Okay, I've finished up chapter 1 and posted it in the OP! I hope those who read it enjoy it, and thank you to anyone who does read

[Guest]

I noticed the abuse didn't seem to be completely centered on Shayle like I thought it was in the RP, I did see a few italic tags on the way down which is probably just a habit you picked up from the RP.

So far I think you're doing a great job, I particularly liked the death scene.

[CamoBadger]

Oh crap, you're probably right, thanks for pointing those out last.

And thanks ^-^

[CamoBadger]

I've added chapter 2 to the original post, I hope it remains entertaining for you all! Enjoy!

[Kippershy]

That actually...is a really good point Kipper. My main goal behind showing Felix's side at points was because they have very different outlooks, and as those in the RP know, Shayle tends to do things without thinking, and they aren't very savory things. I really wanted to show Felix's opinions on those events because it will provide another side, but as IncoherentOrange stated, both sides could be justified depending on the person (or zebra in this case).

If you don't mind, I might just use your idea of switching to Felix if Shayle is out of action in some way.

Feel free! I know you don't really need my permission, and you should know it too, but yeah. I'm glad to be of help and I'm glad that my suggestion is one that you like.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, and as such, if you wish to do the same thing as I do, that only means I hit a good idea!
(and if it's a good idea for me, it's a good idea for you too!)

[Kippershy]

also;

haz coffee, will read!

[Kippershy]

Reading the prologue, I very much like the first page. You're showing a lot of promise thus far.
The formatting is without failure, the writing is fluid, and what little I've read is far from taking itself all too seriously and going into things you don't care for. Reading on!
...Okay, just got to the break bit - and I have to say, I REALLY like the way you start this prologue.

I wish I'd done a prologue as good as this is so far, I mean, I didn't do one at all and part of me regrets that in a small way -- but my first chapter serves that role.
Still, damn. I'm gonna go ahead and say that if the writing keeps to this level (and gets better over time, as it will) you'll write a better story then I.

[Katarn]

I've read chapter one...there is no much I can say....IT WAS AWESOME! I really like your writing style, Camo. I'm looking forward to next chapters.

P.S. Even if I knew how it ends, it was really exciting to read whole chapter from start to end.

[Kippershy]

Prolouge, issue:
"!The flower I ever folded, if you could even call it that, it looked awful"

The first flower I ever folded, I presume you mean?

[Kippershy]

Well fuck me sideways, that was a... dark end for the first chapter.
Not too dark for my liking, but damn dark indeed.
Not as powerful as 33, but not too far behind it either.

(Not knowing your character personally + not being blind & nailed down being why it's not -as- dark.)

Damn good writing style, I do have to admit, better then me. Part of me says I have to go to sleep now, but chapter one calls me, with how the prologue ended.

[CamoBadger]

thanks for the feedback guys, it means a lot to see the story is liked

And thank you for pointing that out Kipper, it was supposed to say 'first flower'.

[Kippershy]

Chapter one is impressively written. You give your character a hard life from the get go (something I didn't.) and give her a very, very strong reason to leave and start the story.
If she had stayed behind, would the other zebras believe her? Perhaps she -should- have gone to them while he was at work, but then if they had, where would the story be?

So yeah, very impressive start. I'm interested in seeing where you go with this in terms of the theme of the story - you don't need to have it from the very first moment, but some time soon you'll need to introduce a plot element to give the characters guidance.


Littlepip had the task of trying to find Velvet, as insane as that sounded without any way of telling where she would've gone.
She may have been wandering aimlessly at first, but she soon met watcher, Ditzy, Calamity and then Velvet... which then led to other things.

Blackjack had the task of carrying EC-1101 from the very start of her story [in terms of storyline, anyway.]
While she may have not had a clue what it was or where to go, she had her objective of finding out what it was, which led to following it to find out what it wanted to do and so on.

Pink Eyes (from what I did read, all of one and a half chapters) was about finding the her mother.

My own story is about searching for a new water talisman, which gives the sense of guidance in "hey, go in this direction in hopes it leads to what you're after."


So yes. Guidance is what your story will need, even if the second / third and perhaps fourth chapters are about getting out of the area and getting somewhere safe so they can think about what to do next.



Your grammar is damn fine, your sentence structure without a problem, your writing style is smooth and fun to read, your character has a dark history that makes it so she understands true pain...
Felix is probably going to be following the naive kid stereotype, which I wouldn't mind, while Shayle is the one who just does shit to keep them both protected, I assume.

I like it. Onto chapter two!

[Kippershy]

Very well written fight scene, I like how you handle the ghoul.
You truly are an impressive writer, have you written anything before? (Other then roleplay)

Issue: "we had been walking thru"
through*.

While technically correct, it doesn't look right. It's the small things that make the big difference, and this is a mark upon the rest of your amazing writing.
Not to say it's dampened my enjoyment, but it's something small that I have to nitpick over because it bugs me slightly.
Sorry to say.

"from the extra insolation in my coat and the constant"
insulation*




Again, I like it. your writing style is superb and the story has an interesting start.
I'm interested to see where you go with this.
One thing I would recommend, is that you copy/paste it to Fimfic and have a copy there - you'll be able to see followers, views total, views per chapter, use the blog, comments and so on.
Also, there's TWO fallout equestria groups you can put your fic into to get more interest.

If you do this (as I recommend you should) DON'T USE THE G.DOC IMPORTER.
It's very unstable and often misses out words randomly, as I learnt with my first chapter of my story.
copy/paste and reformat as needed.


Seriously, it's worth putting it on there.

[CamoBadger]

Thanks a bunch for the feedback and the edits and suggestions Kipper! I've got it on FiMFic, but I didn't think to look for a group to add it on, I'll do that.

I have written some stories before (most of which are incomplete), but not much.

And I didn't know that about the g.doc importer. It's what I had been using but I had no idea it cuts stuff out, thanks for the heads up!

[RoboRed]

Thanks a bunch for the feedback and the edits and suggestions Kipper! I've got it on FiMFic, but I didn't think to look for a group to add it on, I'll do that.

Had to do a little digging to find it on FiMfic. It didn't come up directly in their searchbox.

[Kippershy]

Me and Katarn have both decided that your fic is higher quality than my own, just so you know.

[RoboRed]

[Kippershy]

Okay, now I'm being corrected:

Katarn: actually, what I've said, that Camo's fic have really good writing style and focuses on discribing characters feelings and thoughts, while in your you focus on whole picture and relationships between the characters
Katarn: but honestly..yeah, Camo's writing slightly better, than yours. I think he just have natural talent for this

[IncoherentOrange]

So we can say now that I'm not as good as Kipper, who isn't as good as Camo, who isn't as good as Somber? Wonder where Mel fits there. And of course, I'm sure we're all somewhat good, at least. Who else is a writer among us?

[CamoBadger]

Guys...stooop...I'm not that good. Kipper's story is better than mine by far (I finally got around to reading it today, and I'm loving it so much. I'll give a more detailed review once I'm caught up).

But, thanks for the compliments still

[Kippershy]

Psh. Nope.
Your story is better because of the two following things:

--Your focus on the characters thoughts and feelings, as mentioned. You make it about them, though admittedly, I have always said that my story wasn't about the individual characters as much as it was about the bigger story, and hence why I first began the multiple POV technique.

--Your fights (thus far) have been more interesting then my own. Mine are always so one sided, as bad as that is to admit. Early on, Crimson had support from home, later on, he gets through things because he [obviously at the moment] has plot armour and must survive for the sake of the story, so even when it looks tough he somehow makes it out of there.

--Your wordplay has more variety and uses more beautiful expressions. I tend to use the same old stuff over and over, and it doesn't quite have the same beauty as you have.



You're a better writer then me, from what I have seen.
The only thing that evens this out is we have yet to see any relationship building from you [Shayle with someone other than her brother, I mean] and the fact that what I'm writing is my first ever piece, outside of schoolwork years ago.



You're loving it so far, until you hit chapter eight and go "WHAT THE FUCK KIPPER, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU."

[Ketchup]

Well, I read 1 and 2, and this has never happened to me before now, but...
I can't decide whether I like it or not, with no particular reasons for either. It hasn't been boring and it held my attention well, but I think I'll need another chapter to really decide.

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