Sister forum[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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45 posters
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by 222222 Sun Aug 12, 2012 7:52 pm
@Aonee: I can give them as many vanilla weapons and 20th century weapons as you want, but there are only commands for "use melee" and "use ranged" so they would only use one of each until they ran out of ammo or were disarmed, which happens more often than you would think. I would suggest three weapons: 1-2 ranged and 1-2 melee. But it's totally your call. I can over encumber them with weapons if you want.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Aonee Sun Aug 12, 2012 7:57 pm
Okay I'll PM you the quick addendums to the designs then.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vergil Sun Aug 12, 2012 8:11 pm
Erumpet wrote:@Flanks of Steel: that should totally be a quest perk:
Flanks of Steel: your flanks of literal twisted steel and sex appeal are too much for bucks to handle, +10 speech when talking to males, more likely for men to stick their tongues in your mouth equivalent to +5 points of luck.
I'm not even sure what BJ would even DO with more luck at this point!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Sun Aug 12, 2012 8:40 pm
>Designate capital planetIncoherentOrange wrote:I'm off on a quest to achieve Sins of a Solar Empire's Space Ponies achievement. Wish me luck!
So worth it.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Sun Aug 12, 2012 9:07 pm
*gasp!* Nobody bother me for the next three hours!O. Hinds wrote:49 is up. :)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Meleagridis Sun Aug 12, 2012 9:18 pm
O. Hinds wrote:49 is up. :)
But I wanted to play in the sunshine, and run and jump and frolic and- pft, can't keep a straight face. To the dank dark cave of intense reading!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Custardman Sun Aug 12, 2012 9:27 pm
Hey guys here's a nearly finished pic of the Hoofington cityscape, might add a few things later.
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 14 Hoofington](https://2img.net/h/dl.dropbox.com/u/57426145/Hoofington.jpg)
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by tylertoon2 Sun Aug 12, 2012 9:29 pm
Custardman wrote:Hey guys here's a nearly finished pic of the Hoofington cityscape, might add a few things later.
![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 14 Citadel-half-life](https://2img.net/h/4.bp.blogspot.com/_SnObsrkFG8w/TUNBRxhjznI/AAAAAAAAEY0/j9najvrdVAo/s1600/citadel-half-life.jpg)
HMM?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by OneMoreDaySK Sun Aug 12, 2012 9:56 pm
Whelp, gonna be off for a while 'till I read the latest chapter.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Stringtheory Sun Aug 12, 2012 10:45 pm
it seems like everyone on here has has some kind of emotional outpouring, so I guess it's my turn now... 
thanks for listening, er...reading, I needed that...
- "15 years of bottled up feelings":
I've generally considered myself to be relatively unlucky, having been diagnosed with infant leukemia when I was 6 months old, though I guess I'm extremely lucky given that I survived it (IIRC, at one time my chances of survival were like 30%), but of course I'm still living with the effects of it, like for instance I didn't grow for three years because of the medication I was given (not like you would notice, I made up most of the difference in the past 7-8 years and am now 5' 7"), as well as a ton of other problems. Well that's my life in a nutshell a whole lot of shit gets piled on top of me then the universe apparently decides to throw me a bone, because some event happens that either erases the shit or gives me more time to deal with the shit (like for instance not having to hand in an assignment/get yelled at by the teacher because that teacher is out sick, or not having to do some kind of outdoor activity because it starts raining)
well now that I'm 17 and am a junior in college my parents are putting college pressure on me, and having received a pretty bad 'you need to do more' spiel after dinner tonight results in tonight's rant, I know that I really should be doing more and that it's completely my falt, and that you need to dedicate yourself to something outside of school/do something and I'm no good at that, I can't write, draw or do anything with any level of skill (the best I can seemingly achieve is average), I guess I either having found my cutie mark (so to speak) or that I have it (pretty sure it's something to do with computers) but I'm suffering from a very serious case of CMFIS, because I have no clue what I want to do with computers, and that the 5 week summer program, which essentially served as an intro to all the various high level computer stuff, didn't help worth shit, now I'm even more confused, plus during the projectes we did in smaller groups, I was apart of the 80% who did very little (the old '20% of the team members do 80% of the work' rule), so that resulted in another whole segment of my parent's spiel (like I needed anymore guilt?)
thanks for listening, er...reading, I needed that...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Sun Aug 12, 2012 11:02 pm
Wow.Custardman wrote:Hey guys here's a nearly finished pic of the Hoofington cityscape, might add a few things later.
I'm afraid that I'm not the one to help with emotional stuff like that. As for feeling directionless, though, maybe you could go into programming for space applications?stringtheory wrote:it seems like everyone on here has has some kind of emotional outpouring, so I guess it's my turn now...
- "15 years of bottled up feelings":
I've generally considered myself to be relatively unlucky, having been diagnosed with infant leukemia when I was 6 months old, though I guess I'm extremely lucky given that I survived it (IIRC, at one time my chances of survival were like 30%), but of course I'm still living with the effects of it, like for instance I didn't grow for three years because of the medication I was given (not like you would notice, I made up most of the difference in the past 7-8 years and am now 5' 7"), as well as a ton of other problems. Well that's my life in a nutshell a whole lot of shit gets piled on top of me then the universe apparently decides to throw me a bone, because some event happens that either erases the shit or gives me more time to deal with the shit (like for instance not having to hand in an assignment/get yelled at by the teacher because that teacher is out sick, or not having to do some kind of outdoor activity because it starts raining)
well now that I'm 17 and am a junior in college my parents are putting college pressure on me, and having received a pretty bad 'you need to do more' spiel after dinner tonight results in tonight's rant, I know that I really should be doing more and that it's completely my falt, and that you need to dedicate yourself to something outside of school/do something and I'm no good at that, I can't write, draw or do anything with any level of skill (the best I can seemingly achieve is average), I guess I either having found my cutie mark (so to speak) or that I have it (pretty sure it's something to do with computers) but I'm suffering from a very serious case of CMFIS, because I have no clue what I want to do with computers, and that the 5 week summer program, which essentially served as an intro to all the various high level computer stuff, didn't help worth shit, now I'm even more confused, plus during the projectes we did in smaller groups, I was apart of the 80% who did very little (the old '20% of the team members do 80% of the work' rule), so that resulted in another whole segment of my parent's spiel (like I needed anymore guilt?)
thanks for listening, er...reading, I needed that...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by IncoherentOrange Sun Aug 12, 2012 11:02 pm
SilentCarto wrote:>Designate capital planetIncoherentOrange wrote:I'm off on a quest to achieve Sins of a Solar Empire's Space Ponies achievement. Wish me luck!
So worth it.![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 14 3007958872](https://2img.net/u/2516/12/35/12/smiles/3007958872.png)
Yes, worth it indeed. Unfortunately, I did not find it this time. I did win, though. Next time...
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Stringtheory Sun Aug 12, 2012 11:28 pm
eh, I think/hope I'll find my way in life in collegeO. Hinds wrote:I'm afraid that I'm not the one to help with emotional stuff like that. As for feeling directionless, though, maybe you could go into programming for space applications?stringtheory wrote:it seems like everyone on here has has some kind of emotional outpouring, so I guess it's my turn now...
- "15 years of bottled up feelings":
I've generally considered myself to be relatively unlucky, having been diagnosed with infant leukemia when I was 6 months old, though I guess I'm extremely lucky given that I survived it (IIRC, at one time my chances of survival were like 30%), but of course I'm still living with the effects of it, like for instance I didn't grow for three years because of the medication I was given (not like you would notice, I made up most of the difference in the past 7-8 years and am now 5' 7"), as well as a ton of other problems. Well that's my life in a nutshell a whole lot of shit gets piled on top of me then the universe apparently decides to throw me a bone, because some event happens that either erases the shit or gives me more time to deal with the shit (like for instance not having to hand in an assignment/get yelled at by the teacher because that teacher is out sick, or not having to do some kind of outdoor activity because it starts raining)
well now that I'm 17 and am a junior in college my parents are putting college pressure on me, and having received a pretty bad 'you need to do more' spiel after dinner tonight results in tonight's rant, I know that I really should be doing more and that it's completely my falt, and that you need to dedicate yourself to something outside of school/do something and I'm no good at that, I can't write, draw or do anything with any level of skill (the best I can seemingly achieve is average), I guess I either having found my cutie mark (so to speak) or that I have it (pretty sure it's something to do with computers) but I'm suffering from a very serious case of CMFIS, because I have no clue what I want to do with computers, and that the 5 week summer program, which essentially served as an intro to all the various high level computer stuff, didn't help worth shit, now I'm even more confused, plus during the projectes we did in smaller groups, I was apart of the 80% who did very little (the old '20% of the team members do 80% of the work' rule), so that resulted in another whole segment of my parent's spiel (like I needed anymore guilt?)
thanks for listening, er...reading, I needed that...
space applications?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Caoimhe Sun Aug 12, 2012 11:41 pm
I've had an incredibly bizarre long day hanging out with my mother and my brother spending a total of 4 hours looking for and buying a freaking credenza. Nothing could be better than coming home to the new chapter and finishing it as soon as my DVR reports that the new episode of Breaking Bad has finished recording. Eeee!
Also Hoofington pic is some serious shit. Bravo. I couldn't tell if it was a drawing of Hoofington or a photo taken yesterday of Detroit!
Though the water is more New Jersey.
- Spoiler:
- I have nothing much to say at the moment other than how "Project Horizons" this chapter feels. We've got some action, lots of development, lots of foreshadowing, insight into the past, raunchiness, sexiness, new friends, old friends, sadness, steps at recovery, and BJ whining about Scoodle. After such an intense past three chapters (and only three days!), I really feel good about how things are progressing (not that I didn't like the Hightower arc, it was just really, really intense and somewhat different). This chapter really captures the 'season premiere' feel a new volume should.
Things that stuck out for me:
- Blackjack's almost calm apathy at dying and rebirth again. This is very significant for her development and can be both good and bad, we'll see how it plays out.
- The new group of wasteland adventurers would make for an interesting side story. Carrion and the gouls are a real ragtag group, they should travel around in a van and solve mysteries.
- Styg's sister's regal namecalling was as laugh out loud hilarious as it was scathing... and noble and virtuous Styggy was cute as well. Didn't expect him and Psychoshy, er I mean, Whisper to leave so soon, but it makes sense and I have no issues with it. I didn't read the thing Hinds was talking about yet but we'll see.
- Lacunae's personality has developed more, which I liked. When she's joking around she's really cute, almost like a big sister role.
- Rampage brooding is interesting. I can really see the loss she feels. It seemed to be jealocy at first at everyone but her hooking up and PS leaving really drove home how left out from everyone else she feels now. I'm happy she got a few chuckles in this chapter though.
- Dealer being back with some more development is great. Also big fucking plot point about EC needing to get to Celestia and we all know where she is. I can't say for sure how I think that will play out but I'm thinking the worst for some reason, pretty on the fence at the moment.
- Rover is awesome as always as is Mr. Big Dick Hellhound
- BJ NOT getting antsy at not having anything to do is big development for her as is
- BJ not immediately jumping to help someone in need and putting everything current on hold, this is a big deal of maturity for her and also I feel relates to her new 'apathy.'
- Scotch should have a carpenter's t-square as a cutie mark.
- Boo
- P-21 should probably actually gain weight as he gets clean IMO, I mean it works different for everyone and I have no idea how Med-X works but there's that whole compensation fixation thing. Of course it's only been three days.
- Was expecting BDSMy Glory coming out at the end and liked that she wasn't all "forgive and forget" and instead was violently angry at BJ also liked how she made sure she was in tip top shape before bitchslapping, cute but realistic and logical. I can't wait to see how this encounter goes in the next chapter.
- Possibly deadline on the next one being by the end of the month! Eeee!
That's all for now, The Heisenberg Hour awaits. I promise psychobabble as soon as you all elaborate more on the chapter.
Also Hoofington pic is some serious shit. Bravo. I couldn't tell if it was a drawing of Hoofington or a photo taken yesterday of Detroit!
Though the water is more New Jersey.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Mon Aug 13, 2012 12:25 am
Wow. Didn't expect 49 to be up so soon. I'm sorry to hear that it's not because your moving situation has been fully resolved, Somber; I wish you the best of luck with the task when it comes.
Well, once more unto the breach...
Well, once more unto the breach...
- "Running Commentary":
I'm trying something new with the formatting. Hopefully I'll like it.
Without the soul, you have no motivation or direction. The most fortunate are like animals. They have intellect but no will to use it and no personality or sense of self. But as long as your body is still alive, you have a chance that Snails will be able to summon your soul and put it back in your body.
> Hi, Boo! Well, not really, but more detail is always nice.
A dozen bolts of lightning struck the center, and for the first time I realized that the scream Lacunae had been hearing hadn’t been a what. It was a who.
> Oooooh.
I curled around her neck and buried my head in her shoulder as she shielded me with her wings. Then I bawled like a little foal. I didn’t know why; I just knew that something was horribly wrong and it hurt.
> Sounds familiar.
I’d gotten Graves killed, so I couldn’t fault him for that.
> As I remember, she volunteered. [Added in post: Blackjack really needs to work on how self-centered she is; true, it's largely just in ways that make her feel bad about herself, but the world is bigger than just her, and someday I hope she can learn to accept that.]
“Well. I’m still around. And so were Snips and Snails. And Twist is kinda around, so we thought we were going to, like, look around and see if Diamond Tiara’s still around too! Not… crazy looking around. Really looking.”
> Oh, please. Don't. I care too much for you to find the truth. Please just move on; find a new life to live.
“Snails wants to find some unicorn mare he knew back before the war.”
“Mmhmm! The Great and Powerful Trixie!”
> Awkward as hell. Not unexpected, I guess, but...
You don’t have to throw those feelings away, Trixie,” another mare whispered in my-- in our heads.
“Shut up! Last thing I want is more lectures from you!” the Goddess replied in disgust, her voice trembling. “If he saw us now. If he saw me like this… No! No! I don’t want to feel this way.”
> Oh, this is going to be <i>fun</i>! [Added in post: and the rest of the chapter didn't disappoint--the added Goddess moments were used well.]
I wanted to tell him not to, but there was a pressure on my mind, like a migraine. I couldn’t get the words out, and in my current condition, I couldn’t even try. “You… might check… Maripony. Out west…” I muttered. The Goddess gave a pleased, throaty little sound, and I felt a ghostly pat on my head. The pair just looked at me in worry, but I couldn’t say more. The Goddess wouldn’t let me.
> Or perhaps not. [Added in post: it's still fun for me, just less so for BJ.] Man, that sucks. I'm not sure how Blackjack could handle this sort of thing under the best of circumstances; under those present, much influence of this sort could just be crushing, especially if it pushes her to do worse than this.
I said, not sure, but it felt like a lie. As dirty as lying to Silver Spoon about being Diamond Tiara.
> Still not happy about how you used that these last few chapters. Please do something, BJ, now that the pressure's off. You'll feel better afterwards, I swear! [Added in post: I do wish that there had been a little more closure between SS and BJ than there ended up being; in contrast to the case with Boing, BJ really--and consciously, and intentionally, rather than in a mental and emotional mess, in the heat of the moment--did wrong by her, and I wish there had at least been a few lines of apology. I gather that this is something I took much more strongly than most readers, but there it is. Otherwise, I do like how SS is progressing and I'm happy to see she is making new (old, kinda-sorta) friends, and finding a purpose. Much like what Kkat did with DT, you really made me care about SS, and I'm glad she's turning out all right.]
Hey, it might look weird, but at least it wasn’t pathetic. After the last four or five hours, and the Goddess, I needed to start building some self-control and confidence back.
‘Not allowed. Rules,’ he wrote with a sigh and an actual pout. Boys weren’t supposed to pout!
> Hm. Interesting; I wonder what rules these are. Also, boys can pout if they want to! If nothing else, it should be an enjoyable novelty, as opposed to grumpiness.
“More than me?” I asked with a grin, and he immediately blanched.
“Yeah, Styggie… do you like me more than her?” Psychoshy asked, looking over from her bed with a smirk on her face and worry in her eyes. He looked from her to me and back again and bit on his wingtip for a moment. Then he pointed at Psychoshy with his wing and actually flinched! He knew I had Glory, though… ugh, batponies were weird.
> Next up, Blackjack may learn something! Anyone want to place odds on it happening?
“Well, you heard her. Will you be my very special somepony, Lacunae?” The stunned mental babble coincided perfectly with the confused ‘what?’ from the Goddess.
> Well, maybe not. But does Rampage <i>ever</i> know how to break the ice!
I spotted the faint shimmer as she entered. I waited till it was right beside me, then hooked her neck with my remaining forelimb and pulled her in close, smooching her right on the end of her invisible muzzle.
> Man is that cute.
In another year, it would have been one out of every two hundred.
> Now <i>that</i> is an effective SDI.
Once I had my pick of the spoils, I’d head on over to the Society and buy my way into their good graces.
> I'm not too sure I see them getting too excited about ghouls. Could certainly be wrong, though.
“No. I’m trading it to you for Carrion’s Contract,” I said as I shook it again.
> Oh, Blackjack. I like it. But what is his deal with bits? I thought that they were only of very little value, and that in bulk. Guess he's just an obsessive. Or is this a Meatlocker thing that I forgot about? If so, that could be a good trading opportunity, even just for others in the Hoof.
“But… I…” I stared at the heap of green slime as a huge bubble rose in the middle and popped. “Couldn’t you have made him put down the gold first?”
> Comedy gold, that. It had me audibly laughing.
To be honest, I had no idea what to do with him. I’d tried to give him his Contract back, and clearly I’d insulted him badly by the way he told me bluntly ‘no’.
> Ah, the "kitchen elf" deal. I guess the party may not shrink as much as I had expected.
So if you feel like scum, congratulations. You are. And someday you’ll accept that.
> Now that's some perspective. I really hope that she can someday find a way to see people as more.
“You could kill me. Quick and clean. Doc wouldn’t do it. Said he swore some oath or some horseapples.”
> Of all the things you could say, that was <i>the worst possible thing</i>!
I staggered away from her bed. Somehow, some part of me had thought that I’d be pardoned.
> It's odd to think that Blackjack still has that degree of innocent naïveté. But I think I understand where she's coming from, and she really is one of the foremost optimists in the Wasteland.
Really, what was Psychoshy getting embarrassed about? It was just sex, a lot of sex from what I’d seen, and good sex at that. Still, I was smiling. I’d needed something to whack my mind back into action. The sight of two ponies passionately enjoying each other reminded me that there was still good things in the world, even if they were fleeting…
> It's weird to think that Blackjack probably has the healthiest outlook on sex out of most of the people we've met; for most topics her mind is closer to being one of the more pathological.
The Contract itself was neatly printed: a list of duties he would perform, lines he would not cross, and expectations he had for his employer.
> I do wonder what those expectations were. I do wish that for something so important, he had fully expressed everything he would need to be satisfied from both ends.
“And dangerous too,” I said and then levitated the Contract over to Silver Spoon. “Here. I’m giving you Carrion’s contract. He’ll keep you safe while you search.” The griffin stared at me impassively, and I couldn’t help but give him a smile. “It’s what he excels at.”
> That's actually a great solution. And it's good to see the party will not have the addition of Carrion; it was getting crowded.
Then he suddenly gripped my shoulders and pulled me in, pressing his hard beak to my lips and slipping something the texture and flavor of boot leather into my mouth.
> And now Psychoshy will be all jealous of her (Swiked's version, anyway)!
the ruin had been doubled. ...Or was it squared? Bleh, too many fancy mathematics to keep track of.
> That's a pretty dense patch of references there. Nice.
“THOU ART IN SO MUCH TROUBLE, BROTHER!” she bellowed at us in a thunderous voice. “THOU SHALT ABANDON THY VAINGLORIOUS QUEST AND RETURN TO THY FAMILY! OUR FATHER COMMANDS IT!”
> Well, we can check that off the list.
Flanks of steel? How do you beguile with flanks of steel? Who was I going to seduce, the tank?
> Yeah! And besides, she has legs of steel, not flanks (at least that you can see)!
“I must. My sister spokest true; my father will insist upon mine return. I am unforgivably tardy.” He reached over to her and lifted her chin with his wing. “Were I not a prince, my father not a king, I would remain with you all my days. Even if I must pluck the wings from my back to maintain our secret, I would. I have seen such courage, passion, and life in this time with you than in all my years below. And all of you I shall sorely miss.”
> Okay, didn't see that one coming. Well, it'll be neat to see his return, likely in force.
“So what?” Psychoshy said firmly as she looked up at him. “All my life I’ve been nothing but a tool or a killer. You’re the first pony who really makes me want to be better than who I was. I... I like you, Stygius. Enough to take a risk coming with you. If your father has a problem with it, then fine. I’ll deal with it. But I’m sick of just going through life hoping it will get better.”
> Or maybe not...I think this just cut the chances of the reunion. But it would make a good end to their arcs.
“Yes... I would much... much rather not marry you, dear sister. Much rather...”
As they say from time to time...ew.
Not Psychoshy. Whisper. If I’m going to start a new life, I may as well start a with a new name as well.
> And there it is. I guess soon I'll get to find out if my crotchitiness will let me use that name and under what circumstances. [Added in post: I'll probably call her "Psychoshy" for anything occurring prior to this event.]
Then Lacunae dropped from the sky and landed beside us, throbbing with a full charge of magical energy to take us home. “Hello girls. Did I miss anything?”
> Best comedic moment of the chapter so far. Bit of whiplash, though. [Added in post: I'm not sure it needed to become a running gag, though. Probably fine as long as it's largely confined to this chapter.]
I asked Lacunae with a little pout, standing on my back legs next to her.
> Oh, so <i>you</i> get to pout. Bitch![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 14 3355591561](https://2img.net/u/2516/12/35/12/smiles/3355591561.png)
.
“Oh, your lovely one-winged marefriend?” He chuckled, stroking his little garlic bulb of a beard with a look that belonged on a stallion half his age. Really, I didn’t think he had a chance... He quickly added, as if I were offended, “I don’t mean anything by it, of course.”
> No, he really doesn't. Except maybe if she wanted to get back at her. Still not likely. Also, I notice the chapter is really going strong on reminding us of BJ's Stable 99 attitude. I sense a good scene coming up, loaded with drama. [Added in post: well, I was certainly wrong there. If the scene ends with the chapter. I hope it doesn't, and frankly I think that if that's the case the repeated and clear reminders of BJ's 99 background would have been leading us on. But I do believe that there have been other chapters that picked up the moment the prior ended, and I do trust that this isn't the end, even if it's put on hold for a bit.]
“Just following a wild goose,” I said. “And I nearly got cooked in the process.”
> Too bad you didn't go all the way on the pun with "mine": "And mine nearly got cooked in the process." But then again, I like puns more than I should.
I was suicidal for a spell.
> It was at least two separate spells, right? Once before and once after her first death? [Added in post: BJ's life is weird.]
“Thanks, Grandpa.”
> Does anyone else think this sounds weird, coming from a Ninety-niner?
There’s a nice young aspiring caravaner here, and I was thinking of giving her some personal tips of the trade before she heads off to Baltimare.
> Oh, is that what they're calling it, now?
“Part of me. That was what he wanted, yes. He had all the files from Rarity and making her own soul jars. He wanted to make the program itself my soul jar, make sure that it would stay intact no matter what. But he wanted more than that. To make sure that no matter what, EC-1101 reached Celestia at all costs.”
> Interesting. I really do wonder why he would feel that way, given their history. Maybe to keep it out of the Core? At any rate, it looks like it could still happen, and to a greater degree than they likely would have forseen.
“Actually,” she pointed a hoof at the empty whiskey bottle, “I need to you to pay for that. Twenty caps please.”
I gaped at her, then at the bottle, then in the direction Keeper had gone. “But… but I only drank one glass…”
> Heh, Keeper knows how to get what he wants out of a mare.
I couldn’t move… but really that didn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. In its own way, it felt sort of nice.
> Good to see she's improving further. [Added in post: well...that was understandable. Perhaps not admirable, but understandable.]
“No.” Eclipse frowned in thought. “You acted on the orders of the Princess. I’m sure that your... soul... can be absolved in service to the Princess. I know she’ll forgive you.”
> And so it began...
Eclipse actually frowned and rolled her eyes. “Not again. Honestly, why can’t she simply go stay with Cadence?”
> I'm trusting you to make this work, Somber. [Added in post: you put yourself in a difficult situation here, but if anyone can pull off forcing Cadence into FOE, it's probably you. And if things go tits-up and you need to pull out, you at least could use the excuse "I spelled it differently (you know, the way that isn't stupid as hell); it's a different mare."![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 14 3670107347](https://2img.net/u/2516/12/35/12/smiles/3670107347.png)
]
I didn’t even think past that point. I simply went straight into S.A.T.S. and toggled up four magic bullets right for his face as I began mentally screaming in a blind panic. My horn flashed, the bolts smashing into his head and tearing off a goodly chunk of his features
> Oh, man. I don't give good odds on this ending well. At all. I guess the chapter was going pretty well for the main cast...
“Pony. Stupid pony,” Rover said as he helped pull the monster to sit upright. “Gnarr. Blackjack the Security Pony. Blackjack, Gnarr,” he said with a gesture of his robotic claw towards the yellow canine monster. “Gnarr is hellhound and guest of Sand Dogs.”
> Well...not as bad as I feared, then. I'd hate for her to become unwelcome in one of the places that was giving her hope.
And then her wings snapped and she hauled me into the air. “Blackjack!” she snapped, and with more power than I knew any pegasus could muster, threw me clear across the room and smashed me into the far wall. I dropped to the floor with a crash, the five little ponies in my head equally rattled. Somewhere, for some reason, I imagined the Goddess looking on, munching on popcorn. Glory flew over with tears streaking her cheeks and yelled down at me, “You... You... fucking cunt!”
Welcome home, Blackjack.
> Or perhaps the scene will have to wait. Or that's it. I hope not, though.
- "Edits":
- I slowly opened my eyes, and the first thing I saw were Lacunae’s purple ones gazing back into mine.
"things"
From here they could strike at Red Eye at Paradise, the Collegiate, Scrapyard, and the Skyport with nopony ready until its too late.”
"it's"
Carrion, Xanthe, Silver Spoon, and Snails all sat opposite me.
So, they were giving him some time to get ready to leave? From before, the flat statement that his days there were over didn't give me that impression, rather the impression that he would similarly be allowed the time to do (very) basic packing and then would be expected to GTFO.
“Still, it’s do-able.”
"Doable" is a word on its own, if there's no other reason for the hyphenation.
THOU INSISTED YOU NEEDED BUT ONE HOUR TO BED THE STRUMPET BLACKJACK! NOT THREE DAYS!
"INSISTED THOU NEEDED"; it's a little weird to increase the level of formality in the middle of the sentence.
I hath in but three days lived such that three lifetimes could not compare! I hath faced peril, horror and trials, but wonders too.
“And that is but one place I hath encountered!
"Hath" is third person, not first.
In thee, thou has shown me true valor and friendship.
If you wanted, you could use "hast" as the archaic second person form of have.
Lots of ponies were staring at my limbs -- or the remains thereof -- and shooty eyes.
Nothing the matter here. But en-dashes! Squee! [Added in post: I think I have a problem.![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 14 3932362616](https://2img.net/u/2516/12/35/12/smiles/3932362616.png)
]
We actually have some traders planning to go from here to Manehattan to Dise!
Paradise? If so, an apostrophe may be in order.
Especially Big Daddy, Awesome and Crunchy Carrots.
Serial comma needed after "Awesome".
- "Overall Thoughts":
I liked this chapter quite well. I thought that the death portion was handled well; it gave us a nice view of that aspect of the afterlife, some closure with Snips, and didn't eat up too much time.
Meatlocker was good; most of the loose ends were tied up, and I don't know if we will ever have the chance to see this but I do have to wonder how Boing will end up, especially several years after Gardens activates. The splitting of the party was both necessary and handled appropriately, I think; seeing Ahuizotl dead was a satisfying indulgence of righteous indignation; I hope the best for SS, Xanthe, Snails, and Carrion--the solution to Carrion's situation was just about his ideal outcome, I think--and their arcs came to fulfilling not-conclusions (SS-gripe-BJ-lies-apology...done now; you've heard it before); it warmed my heart a bit to see the happy ending(?) for Whisper and Stygius (I am a little sad to see them go, but realistically they've done what they need to do and it's time for them to go), and it was a fun trip, seeing them grow a bit since the death of Sanguine and when we met him, respectively (Also, it makes me think a bit of this, except for his sister, but I'm pretty much fine with that. Don't want to judge too much, but, well, I'm not sure Egyptian's really the ideal way to go. Sure, it's not her fault, but from a long-term planning standpoint, it just isn't sustainable.).
With the Sand Dogs...seeing the contrast to Boing was pleasant. More importantly, I think it was needed. The time there was okay setup for further adventures. I feel that the tension with the Hell Hound deflated a little too quickly; although I guess Blackjack has gotten over others shooting her pretty quickly herself. On the plus side, I like that she is still affected, even if she is in many ways improving her control over herself.
Psalm's flashback was, overall, strong, I suppose. I liked the interaction between Celestia and Luna, and the plotting was enjoyable. Psalm's development is proceeding well, and it was a pleasure to see the seed of her later quest for forgiveness planted. Setting up for the potential use of changelings is cool. I'm far more ambivalent about the decision to incorporate Cadence, but as I said, Somber, if anyone can succeed in incorporating her into FOE, it's you. Anyway, it's your story and I trust you're doing everything to make it the best it can be.
The use of Lacunae for comedy largely went over well, but I think that the pacing of running gags could be slowed a bit--I was getting a little tired of "Did I miss anything?" around the third time it was used. And I thought the first one was the funniest moment in the chapter. The squeamishness aged better, though.
Chapel was fine. You did a good job of getting us caught up on the goings-on there, reminded us of P-21's and Scotch's issues, which was necessary for me, as it's been so long since we've seen them I'd just about forgotten the specific reasons they had to split up. Perhaps this is a case where it'd be better to read in one sitting rather than as a serialized novel. I like how both of them have handled the last few days, and do think that the place will be good for the both of them. Boo was cute. I hope that the gang can help Rampage deal with the heavy realizations she has had to face.
While the scene between BJ and Glory was pretty much as various posters have predicted, I sincerely hope that this isn't the end of it. Whether Glory leaves in a huff and the issue is tabled for a while, or it happens immediately, or something else, I really would like to see a fuller working-out of this issue. Since it first was brought up, I've been looking forward to seeing how you balance Glory's hurt--especially given the emotionally vulnerable position she's in because of inhabiting Dash's body--with the fact that, fundamentally, Blackjack didn't do anything wrong--certainly not that she was aware of--and her clear emotional attachment to Glory, which was never present with Stygius.
Overall, good job. The action-light chapter was nice for a change of pace, the ball is rolling nicely, the cast has become more manageable, and I like the new bits of world-building. Most of the comedic bits hit home, for me, and apart from tension dissipating too quickly once or twice (mainly with the Hell Hound), I felt the tone and pacing worked fine. As ever, I look forward to what will happen next.
Icy Shake- Alicorn
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Mon Aug 13, 2012 12:45 am
- Ch. 49 Commentary:
Chapter 49: Consequence
Hoo boy. Here it comes.
Enervation’s piercing scream surrounded me on all sides, and every few seconds I passed through a shimmering, more-loudly-shrieking silver ring that sucked me in and spat me out ever faster.
Well crap! That wasn't what I expected...
For a moment I soared upward and had a glimpse of an immense disk like a circular saw blade, the motes of light being pulled through gaps in a colossal, jagged tire-like wall of silver that surrounded that glowing donut.
Is that what the Core looks like from the other side? Or is it Thunderhead? The Eater itself? Hard to tell scale right now.
Or… if you believed a certain zebra myth about giant star monsters... but that was just crazy…
Okay then. I'm surprised to see it has definite structure. I'd thought the Eater was a big lump of metal, like most asteroids. If the Necropolis is... "inside" the Eater, in the middle of it... it just got ten times creepier!
The most fortunate are like animals. They have intellect but no will to use it and no personality or sense of self.
Hi, Boo!
No… It couldn’t be! A dozen bolts of lightning struck the center, and for the first time I realized that the scream Lacunae had been hearing hadn’t been a what. It was a who.
Cindy Lou Who? :D Seriously, though... I had expected it would be the star that crashed into the Zebra city, but now I'm wondering... a soul that's unique, like yet unlike the EoS... Luna?
The ICU section is kind of bugging me. There's something about it I don't like, but I can't quite put my hoof on it. I think it may just be that I don't like seeing BJ this broken, or maybe that I'm uncomfortable with so many unknowns floating around... the Unity, the damage to her soul, her missing and damaged legs... though I'm hoping the latter are just a lower priority than torso damage and her systems will get around to them later.
“Wait…mater futūtor…”
Lemme see... 'mother...' Oh.
“What if it’s from somepony else’s mouth?”
Heh heh, like say, somepony with an audio/visual recorder in their head? --woah, did I just stagger into Shadowrun?
“Ah shit. Fine. Ya got me.”
Wow, his accent actually changes when he gets caught? This guy should be in Phoenix Wright!
“No… that’s exactly what it is,” Carrion said, and then smiled. “Excuse me.”
Mwahahaha... this is what we in the biz call "the last mistake you'll ever make".
“But… I…” I stared at the heap of green slime as a huge bubble rose in the middle and popped. “Couldn’t you have made him put down the gold first?”
*falls down laughing* Shades of "The Treasure of the Sierra Madre"!
“Oh, curses.” Finally she smiled and looked at the other three. “Very well. I accept.”
Aww, I was hoping she could join Chapel.
Then he suddenly gripped my shoulders and pulled me in, pressing his hard beak to my lips and slipping something the texture and flavor of boot leather into my mouth.
Quest Perk: Ghoulkissed.
It was getting late; in an hour or two it would be dark...
T-6. Littlepip is currently shooting bloodwings.
Yellow eyes stared out at us from under the helmet of an archaic suit of armor as she turned to face us.
Oh, crap. Hi, sis.
How do you beguile with flanks of steel?
This is a steel Blackjack. All craftsponyship is of the highest quality. It is encircled with bands of adamantine. This object beguiles with flanks of steel.
“INCORRECT!” she roared, and then the darkness around us came alive! Shadowy tendrils reached up around our legs and held fast.
*facehoof* She knows Obtenebration?!
“Not Psychoshy. Whisper. If I’m going to start a new life, I may as well start a with a new name as well.”
D'awww...
While my eyes recovered from the glare of teleportation, I heard a number of startled voices and the sound of water flowing behind me.
Brace yourselves, here comes the main event!
“Hey, this isn’t Chapel!” I said, perhaps a little more loudly than I’d intended. “What are we doing in Riverside?”
Dang it!
The lemon-yellow Keeper grinned at me with that look that inexplicably drew a blush to my cheeks as he tugged down the brim of his floppy, beaten hat.
Ah, now this is more like it. Chilling with a bottle of booze and some worldly wisdom.
...he's about to shoot her in the back, isn't he.
“Why is pony always breaking legs? Pony has good legs. Pony needs to take care of legs,” Rover said as he fussed over my damaged limb with his tools.
Since the last time we crossed paths, I've really come to like Rover. You always know exactly where you stand with him, because he'll tell you outright and to your face. Guys like Dealer and even Keeper make me kind of paranoid, but Rover's a straight shooter.
“I solemnly swear I won’t intentionally break my limbs on any enemy smaller than a house.
I can think of at least three such enemies we know of already, and you're going to need at least one leg to drag yourself home.
I watched the lines of data that scrolled in the margins of my vision and slowly drifted away.
Glad to hear it. Five hours doesn't make up for over a week without sleep.
There was a pause as a mare muttered under her breath and then said, “One second. Almost… there…” And then abruptly the voice changed and became deeper. “Send Miss Psalm in.”
Don't tell me they have a changeling on staff? I mean, I guess I wouldn't put it past Luna, but that's a little weird even for her... and I'm not sure I like the name "Eclipe", given the circumstances.
“Ahem. Sorry to cut this short, but sometimes there’s just no reasoning with my… with Princess Celestia. I’ll get somepony to show you out, my dear.”
With my... sister. Aha. I wonder how many hats she really wears.
“Better a dead princess than a captured one…”
Wow. Okay. That... is actually a completely legit reason to have a scope on Celestia. I'm getting chills.
“Just one question though, Rover: Why do you keep talking like that?!”
In Rover's defense, Gnarr is the oddity here -- the Hellhounds in FOE were about one step above "You no take candle!" At least as far as Ponese went.
“La la la la la I suggest you start walking la la la la…”
Wait, so BJ's going to be arriving alone and on foot? Is there a Pile?! :D
And then there was a solid thud against my rear end and I jerked, spinning around and looking at the stunned white blank.
SQUEEEEEE!
And then her wings snapped and she hauled me into the air. “Blackjack!” she snapped, and with more power than I knew any pegasus could muster, threw me clear across the room and smashed me into the far wall.
Ooh. Nice distance.
Welcome home, Blackjack.
NOOOO! ...I can't wait for the next chapter!
- Editing:
Finally she unplugged the PipBuck from my temple, which I hoped meant she was done.
She pulled the plug from my temple, then tapped the keys a few more times; the deftness she employed with the tips of her hooves astonished me.
Can you do that? Can you unplug something twice?!
From here they could strike at Red Eye at Paradise, the Collegiate, Scrapyard, and the Skyport with nopony ready until its too late.
until it was (or, at the very least, "until it's")
I pushed back the curtain and looked at the pink mane; her mane had lost a lot of its curly bounciness.
pink filly, I think you meant to say.
“Hello girls. Did I miss anything?”
Comma after "Hello".
“Guess that’s one of them glasses half filled deal.”
deals
More and more were taken, and then one day they returned at once and with pegasi and controlled hounds; took over the base.
Did you mean "returned all at once"?
Just one question though, Rover:
comma after "question"
SilentCarto- Alicorn
- Posts : 1585
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Aug 13, 2012 1:00 am
Writing code for spacecraft, satellites, launchers... that sort of thing.stringtheory wrote:eh, I think/hope I'll find my way in life in collegeO. Hinds wrote:I'm afraid that I'm not the one to help with emotional stuff like that. As for feeling directionless, though, maybe you could go into programming for space applications?stringtheory wrote:it seems like everyone on here has has some kind of emotional outpouring, so I guess it's my turn now...
- "15 years of bottled up feelings":
I've generally considered myself to be relatively unlucky, having been diagnosed with infant leukemia when I was 6 months old, though I guess I'm extremely lucky given that I survived it (IIRC, at one time my chances of survival were like 30%), but of course I'm still living with the effects of it, like for instance I didn't grow for three years because of the medication I was given (not like you would notice, I made up most of the difference in the past 7-8 years and am now 5' 7"), as well as a ton of other problems. Well that's my life in a nutshell a whole lot of shit gets piled on top of me then the universe apparently decides to throw me a bone, because some event happens that either erases the shit or gives me more time to deal with the shit (like for instance not having to hand in an assignment/get yelled at by the teacher because that teacher is out sick, or not having to do some kind of outdoor activity because it starts raining)
well now that I'm 17 and am a junior in college my parents are putting college pressure on me, and having received a pretty bad 'you need to do more' spiel after dinner tonight results in tonight's rant, I know that I really should be doing more and that it's completely my falt, and that you need to dedicate yourself to something outside of school/do something and I'm no good at that, I can't write, draw or do anything with any level of skill (the best I can seemingly achieve is average), I guess I either having found my cutie mark (so to speak) or that I have it (pretty sure it's something to do with computers) but I'm suffering from a very serious case of CMFIS, because I have no clue what I want to do with computers, and that the 5 week summer program, which essentially served as an intro to all the various high level computer stuff, didn't help worth shit, now I'm even more confused, plus during the projectes we did in smaller groups, I was apart of the 80% who did very little (the old '20% of the team members do 80% of the work' rule), so that resulted in another whole segment of my parent's spiel (like I needed anymore guilt?)
thanks for listening, er...reading, I needed that...
space applications?
Ah, thank you.Icy Shake wrote:Wow. Didn't expect 49 to be up so soon. I'm sorry to hear that it's not because your moving situation has been fully resolved, Somber; I wish you the best of luck with the task when it comes.
Well, once more unto the breach...
- "Running Commentary":
I'm trying something new with the formatting. Hopefully I'll like it.
Without the soul, you have no motivation or direction. The most fortunate are like animals. They have intellect but no will to use it and no personality or sense of self. But as long as your body is still alive, you have a chance that Snails will be able to summon your soul and put it back in your body.
> Hi, Boo! Well, not really, but more detail is always nice.
A dozen bolts of lightning struck the center, and for the first time I realized that the scream Lacunae had been hearing hadn’t been a what. It was a who.
> Oooooh.
I curled around her neck and buried my head in her shoulder as she shielded me with her wings. Then I bawled like a little foal. I didn’t know why; I just knew that something was horribly wrong and it hurt.
> Sounds familiar.
I’d gotten Graves killed, so I couldn’t fault him for that.
> As I remember, she volunteered. [Added in post: Blackjack really needs to work on how self-centered she is; true, it's largely just in ways that make her feel bad about herself, but the world is bigger than just her, and someday I hope she can learn to accept that.]
“Well. I’m still around. And so were Snips and Snails. And Twist is kinda around, so we thought we were going to, like, look around and see if Diamond Tiara’s still around too! Not… crazy looking around. Really looking.”
> Oh, please. Don't. I care too much for you to find the truth. Please just move on; find a new life to live.
“Snails wants to find some unicorn mare he knew back before the war.”
“Mmhmm! The Great and Powerful Trixie!”
> Awkward as hell. Not unexpected, I guess, but...
You don’t have to throw those feelings away, Trixie,” another mare whispered in my-- in our heads.
“Shut up! Last thing I want is more lectures from you!” the Goddess replied in disgust, her voice trembling. “If he saw us now. If he saw me like this… No! No! I don’t want to feel this way.”
> Oh, this is going to be <i>fun</i>! [Added in post: and the rest of the chapter didn't disappoint--the added Goddess moments were used well.]
I wanted to tell him not to, but there was a pressure on my mind, like a migraine. I couldn’t get the words out, and in my current condition, I couldn’t even try. “You… might check… Maripony. Out west…” I muttered. The Goddess gave a pleased, throaty little sound, and I felt a ghostly pat on my head. The pair just looked at me in worry, but I couldn’t say more. The Goddess wouldn’t let me.
> Or perhaps not. [Added in post: it's still fun for me, just less so for BJ.] Man, that sucks. I'm not sure how Blackjack could handle this sort of thing under the best of circumstances; under those present, much influence of this sort could just be crushing, especially if it pushes her to do worse than this.
I said, not sure, but it felt like a lie. As dirty as lying to Silver Spoon about being Diamond Tiara.
> Still not happy about how you used that these last few chapters. Please do something, BJ, now that the pressure's off. You'll feel better afterwards, I swear! [Added in post: I do wish that there had been a little more closure between SS and BJ than there ended up being; in contrast to the case with Boing, BJ really--and consciously, and intentionally, rather than in a mental and emotional mess, in the heat of the moment--did wrong by her, and I wish there had at least been a few lines of apology. I gather that this is something I took much more strongly than most readers, but there it is. Otherwise, I do like how SS is progressing and I'm happy to see she is making new (old, kinda-sorta) friends, and finding a purpose. Much like what Kkat did with DT, you really made me care about SS, and I'm glad she's turning out all right.]
Hey, it might look weird, but at least it wasn’t pathetic. After the last four or five hours, and the Goddess, I needed to start building some self-control and confidence back.
‘Not allowed. Rules,’ he wrote with a sigh and an actual pout. Boys weren’t supposed to pout!
> Hm. Interesting; I wonder what rules these are. Also, boys can pout if they want to! If nothing else, it should be an enjoyable novelty, as opposed to grumpiness.
“More than me?” I asked with a grin, and he immediately blanched.
“Yeah, Styggie… do you like me more than her?” Psychoshy asked, looking over from her bed with a smirk on her face and worry in her eyes. He looked from her to me and back again and bit on his wingtip for a moment. Then he pointed at Psychoshy with his wing and actually flinched! He knew I had Glory, though… ugh, batponies were weird.
> Next up, Blackjack may learn something! Anyone want to place odds on it happening?
“Well, you heard her. Will you be my very special somepony, Lacunae?” The stunned mental babble coincided perfectly with the confused ‘what?’ from the Goddess.
> Well, maybe not. But does Rampage <i>ever</i> know how to break the ice!
I spotted the faint shimmer as she entered. I waited till it was right beside me, then hooked her neck with my remaining forelimb and pulled her in close, smooching her right on the end of her invisible muzzle.
> Man is that cute.
In another year, it would have been one out of every two hundred.
> Now <i>that</i> is an effective SDI.
Once I had my pick of the spoils, I’d head on over to the Society and buy my way into their good graces.
> I'm not too sure I see them getting too excited about ghouls. Could certainly be wrong, though.
“No. I’m trading it to you for Carrion’s Contract,” I said as I shook it again.
> Oh, Blackjack. I like it. But what is his deal with bits? I thought that they were only of very little value, and that in bulk. Guess he's just an obsessive. Or is this a Meatlocker thing that I forgot about? If so, that could be a good trading opportunity, even just for others in the Hoof.
“But… I…” I stared at the heap of green slime as a huge bubble rose in the middle and popped. “Couldn’t you have made him put down the gold first?”
> Comedy gold, that. It had me audibly laughing.
To be honest, I had no idea what to do with him. I’d tried to give him his Contract back, and clearly I’d insulted him badly by the way he told me bluntly ‘no’.
> Ah, the "kitchen elf" deal. I guess the party may not shrink as much as I had expected.
So if you feel like scum, congratulations. You are. And someday you’ll accept that.
> Now that's some perspective. I really hope that she can someday find a way to see people as more.
“You could kill me. Quick and clean. Doc wouldn’t do it. Said he swore some oath or some horseapples.”
> Of all the things you could say, that was <i>the worst possible thing</i>!
I staggered away from her bed. Somehow, some part of me had thought that I’d be pardoned.
> It's odd to think that Blackjack still has that degree of innocent naïveté. But I think I understand where she's coming from, and she really is one of the foremost optimists in the Wasteland.
Really, what was Psychoshy getting embarrassed about? It was just sex, a lot of sex from what I’d seen, and good sex at that. Still, I was smiling. I’d needed something to whack my mind back into action. The sight of two ponies passionately enjoying each other reminded me that there was still good things in the world, even if they were fleeting…
> It's weird to think that Blackjack probably has the healthiest outlook on sex out of most of the people we've met; for most topics her mind is closer to being one of the more pathological.
The Contract itself was neatly printed: a list of duties he would perform, lines he would not cross, and expectations he had for his employer.
> I do wonder what those expectations were. I do wish that for something so important, he had fully expressed everything he would need to be satisfied from both ends.
“And dangerous too,” I said and then levitated the Contract over to Silver Spoon. “Here. I’m giving you Carrion’s contract. He’ll keep you safe while you search.” The griffin stared at me impassively, and I couldn’t help but give him a smile. “It’s what he excels at.”
> That's actually a great solution. And it's good to see the party will not have the addition of Carrion; it was getting crowded.
Then he suddenly gripped my shoulders and pulled me in, pressing his hard beak to my lips and slipping something the texture and flavor of boot leather into my mouth.
> And now Psychoshy will be all jealous of her (Swiked's version, anyway)!
the ruin had been doubled. ...Or was it squared? Bleh, too many fancy mathematics to keep track of.
> That's a pretty dense patch of references there. Nice.
“THOU ART IN SO MUCH TROUBLE, BROTHER!” she bellowed at us in a thunderous voice. “THOU SHALT ABANDON THY VAINGLORIOUS QUEST AND RETURN TO THY FAMILY! OUR FATHER COMMANDS IT!”
> Well, we can check that off the list.
Flanks of steel? How do you beguile with flanks of steel? Who was I going to seduce, the tank?
> Yeah! And besides, she has legs of steel, not flanks (at least that you can see)!
“I must. My sister spokest true; my father will insist upon mine return. I am unforgivably tardy.” He reached over to her and lifted her chin with his wing. “Were I not a prince, my father not a king, I would remain with you all my days. Even if I must pluck the wings from my back to maintain our secret, I would. I have seen such courage, passion, and life in this time with you than in all my years below. And all of you I shall sorely miss.”
> Okay, didn't see that one coming. Well, it'll be neat to see his return, likely in force.
“So what?” Psychoshy said firmly as she looked up at him. “All my life I’ve been nothing but a tool or a killer. You’re the first pony who really makes me want to be better than who I was. I... I like you, Stygius. Enough to take a risk coming with you. If your father has a problem with it, then fine. I’ll deal with it. But I’m sick of just going through life hoping it will get better.”
> Or maybe not...I think this just cut the chances of the reunion. But it would make a good end to their arcs.
“Yes... I would much... much rather not marry you, dear sister. Much rather...”
As they say from time to time...ew.
Not Psychoshy. Whisper. If I’m going to start a new life, I may as well start a with a new name as well.
> And there it is. I guess soon I'll get to find out if my crotchitiness will let me use that name and under what circumstances. [Added in post: I'll probably call her "Psychoshy" for anything occurring prior to this event.]
Then Lacunae dropped from the sky and landed beside us, throbbing with a full charge of magical energy to take us home. “Hello girls. Did I miss anything?”
> Best comedic moment of the chapter so far. Bit of whiplash, though. [Added in post: I'm not sure it needed to become a running gag, though. Probably fine as long as it's largely confined to this chapter.]
I asked Lacunae with a little pout, standing on my back legs next to her.
> Oh, so <i>you</i> get to pout. Bitch
“Oh, your lovely one-winged marefriend?” He chuckled, stroking his little garlic bulb of a beard with a look that belonged on a stallion half his age. Really, I didn’t think he had a chance... He quickly added, as if I were offended, “I don’t mean anything by it, of course.”
> No, he really doesn't. Except maybe if she wanted to get back at her. Still not likely. Also, I notice the chapter is really going strong on reminding us of BJ's Stable 99 attitude. I sense a good scene coming up, loaded with drama. [Added in post: well, I was certainly wrong there. If the scene ends with the chapter. I hope it doesn't, and frankly I think that if that's the case the repeated and clear reminders of BJ's 99 background would have been leading us on. But I do believe that there have been other chapters that picked up the moment the prior ended, and I do trust that this isn't the end, even if it's put on hold for a bit.]
“Just following a wild goose,” I said. “And I nearly got cooked in the process.”
> Too bad you didn't go all the way on the pun with "mine": "And mine nearly got cooked in the process." But then again, I like puns more than I should.
I was suicidal for a spell.
> It was at least two separate spells, right? Once before and once after her first death? [Added in post: BJ's life is weird.]
“Thanks, Grandpa.”
> Does anyone else think this sounds weird, coming from a Ninety-niner?
There’s a nice young aspiring caravaner here, and I was thinking of giving her some personal tips of the trade before she heads off to Baltimare.
> Oh, is that what they're calling it, now?
“Part of me. That was what he wanted, yes. He had all the files from Rarity and making her own soul jars. He wanted to make the program itself my soul jar, make sure that it would stay intact no matter what. But he wanted more than that. To make sure that no matter what, EC-1101 reached Celestia at all costs.”
> Interesting. I really do wonder why he would feel that way, given their history. Maybe to keep it out of the Core? At any rate, it looks like it could still happen, and to a greater degree than they likely would have forseen.
“Actually,” she pointed a hoof at the empty whiskey bottle, “I need to you to pay for that. Twenty caps please.”
I gaped at her, then at the bottle, then in the direction Keeper had gone. “But… but I only drank one glass…”
> Heh, Keeper knows how to get what he wants out of a mare.
I couldn’t move… but really that didn’t bother me as much as I thought it would. In its own way, it felt sort of nice.
> Good to see she's improving further. [Added in post: well...that was understandable. Perhaps not admirable, but understandable.]
“No.” Eclipse frowned in thought. “You acted on the orders of the Princess. I’m sure that your... soul... can be absolved in service to the Princess. I know she’ll forgive you.”
> And so it began...
Eclipse actually frowned and rolled her eyes. “Not again. Honestly, why can’t she simply go stay with Cadence?”
> I'm trusting you to make this work, Somber. [Added in post: you put yourself in a difficult situation here, but if anyone can pull off forcing Cadence into FOE, it's probably you. And if things go tits-up and you need to pull out, you at least could use the excuse "I spelled it differently (you know, the way that isn't stupid as hell); it's a different mare."
I didn’t even think past that point. I simply went straight into S.A.T.S. and toggled up four magic bullets right for his face as I began mentally screaming in a blind panic. My horn flashed, the bolts smashing into his head and tearing off a goodly chunk of his features
> Oh, man. I don't give good odds on this ending well. At all. I guess the chapter was going pretty well for the main cast...
“Pony. Stupid pony,” Rover said as he helped pull the monster to sit upright. “Gnarr. Blackjack the Security Pony. Blackjack, Gnarr,” he said with a gesture of his robotic claw towards the yellow canine monster. “Gnarr is hellhound and guest of Sand Dogs.”
> Well...not as bad as I feared, then. I'd hate for her to become unwelcome in one of the places that was giving her hope.
And then her wings snapped and she hauled me into the air. “Blackjack!” she snapped, and with more power than I knew any pegasus could muster, threw me clear across the room and smashed me into the far wall. I dropped to the floor with a crash, the five little ponies in my head equally rattled. Somewhere, for some reason, I imagined the Goddess looking on, munching on popcorn. Glory flew over with tears streaking her cheeks and yelled down at me, “You... You... fucking cunt!”
Welcome home, Blackjack.
> Or perhaps the scene will have to wait. Or that's it. I hope not, though.
- "Edits":
"things"
From here they could strike at Red Eye at Paradise, the Collegiate, Scrapyard, and the Skyport with nopony ready until its too late.”
"it's"
Carrion, Xanthe, Silver Spoon, and Snails all sat opposite me.
So, they were giving him some time to get ready to leave? From before, the flat statement that his days there were over didn't give me that impression, rather the impression that he would similarly be allowed the time to do (very) basic packing and then would be expected to GTFO.
“Still, it’s do-able.”
"Doable" is a word on its own, if there's no other reason for the hyphenation.
THOU INSISTED YOU NEEDED BUT ONE HOUR TO BED THE STRUMPET BLACKJACK! NOT THREE DAYS!
"INSISTED THOU NEEDED"; it's a little weird to increase the level of formality in the middle of the sentence.
I hath in but three days lived such that three lifetimes could not compare! I hath faced peril, horror and trials, but wonders too.
“And that is but one place I hath encountered!
"Hath" is third person, not first.
In thee, thou has shown me true valor and friendship.
If you wanted, you could use "hast" as the archaic second person form of have.
Lots of ponies were staring at my limbs -- or the remains thereof -- and shooty eyes.
Nothing the matter here. But en-dashes! Squee! [Added in post: I think I have a problem.
We actually have some traders planning to go from here to Manehattan to Dise!
Paradise? If so, an apostrophe may be in order.
Especially Big Daddy, Awesome and Crunchy Carrots.
Serial comma needed after "Awesome".
- "Overall Thoughts":
I liked this chapter quite well. I thought that the death portion was handled well; it gave us a nice view of that aspect of the afterlife, some closure with Snips, and didn't eat up too much time.
Meatlocker was good; most of the loose ends were tied up, and I don't know if we will ever have the chance to see this but I do have to wonder how Boing will end up, especially several years after Gardens activates. The splitting of the party was both necessary and handled appropriately, I think; seeing Ahuizotl dead was a satisfying indulgence of righteous indignation; I hope the best for SS, Xanthe, Snails, and Carrion--the solution to Carrion's situation was just about his ideal outcome, I think--and their arcs came to fulfilling not-conclusions (SS-gripe-BJ-lies-apology...done now; you've heard it before); it warmed my heart a bit to see the happy ending(?) for Whisper and Stygius (I am a little sad to see them go, but realistically they've done what they need to do and it's time for them to go), and it was a fun trip, seeing them grow a bit since the death of Sanguine and when we met him, respectively (Also, it makes me think a bit of this, except for his sister, but I'm pretty much fine with that. Don't want to judge too much, but, well, I'm not sure Egyptian's really the ideal way to go. Sure, it's not her fault, but from a long-term planning standpoint, it just isn't sustainable.).
With the Sand Dogs...seeing the contrast to Boing was pleasant. More importantly, I think it was needed. The time there was okay setup for further adventures. I feel that the tension with the Hell Hound deflated a little too quickly; although I guess Blackjack has gotten over others shooting her pretty quickly herself. On the plus side, I like that she is still affected, even if she is in many ways improving her control over herself.
Psalm's flashback was, overall, strong, I suppose. I liked the interaction between Celestia and Luna, and the plotting was enjoyable. Psalm's development is proceeding well, and it was a pleasure to see the seed of her later quest for forgiveness planted. Setting up for the potential use of changelings is cool. I'm far more ambivalent about the decision to incorporate Cadence, but as I said, Somber, if anyone can succeed in incorporating her into FOE, it's you. Anyway, it's your story and I trust you're doing everything to make it the best it can be.
The use of Lacunae for comedy largely went over well, but I think that the pacing of running gags could be slowed a bit--I was getting a little tired of "Did I miss anything?" around the third time it was used. And I thought the first one was the funniest moment in the chapter. The squeamishness aged better, though.
Chapel was fine. You did a good job of getting us caught up on the goings-on there, reminded us of P-21's and Scotch's issues, which was necessary for me, as it's been so long since we've seen them I'd just about forgotten the specific reasons they had to split up. Perhaps this is a case where it'd be better to read in one sitting rather than as a serialized novel. I like how both of them have handled the last few days, and do think that the place will be good for the both of them. Boo was cute. I hope that the gang can help Rampage deal with the heavy realizations she has had to face.
While the scene between BJ and Glory was pretty much as various posters have predicted, I sincerely hope that this isn't the end of it. Whether Glory leaves in a huff and the issue is tabled for a while, or it happens immediately, or something else, I really would like to see a fuller working-out of this issue. Since it first was brought up, I've been looking forward to seeing how you balance Glory's hurt--especially given the emotionally vulnerable position she's in because of inhabiting Dash's body--with the fact that, fundamentally, Blackjack didn't do anything wrong--certainly not that she was aware of--and her clear emotional attachment to Glory, which was never present with Stygius.
Overall, good job. The action-light chapter was nice for a change of pace, the ball is rolling nicely, the cast has become more manageable, and I like the new bits of world-building. Most of the comedic bits hit home, for me, and apart from tension dissipating too quickly once or twice (mainly with the Hell Hound), I felt the tone and pacing worked fine. As ever, I look forward to what will happen next.
On the one hoof, yes, Meatlocker frowns on its inhabitants killing other ghouls. On the other, Ahuitzotl was not exactly doing much to ingratiate himself; I wouldn't be surprised if a few of the town's inhabitants weren't thinking of getting the rules changed just for him. On a third hoof, forcing Carrion out like that might make Security unhappy, which might possibly persuade her to do something, and Meatlocker's just been given a very flashy demonstration of the sort of thing that happens when Security decides that she wants to do something. Oh, things would probably be fine... but why take chances? On the whole, therefore, while I think that they'd still want Carrion gone, I don't think it's at all odd that they're willing to let him take a bit longer to leave.Icy Shake wrote:Carrion, Xanthe, Silver Spoon, and Snails all sat opposite me.
So, they were giving him some time to get ready to leave? From before, the flat statement that his days there were over didn't give me that impression, rather the impression that he would similarly be allowed the time to do (very) basic packing and then would be expected to GTFO.
I believe that that was a reference to this story, which I've only read part of the first chapter of.Icy Shake wrote:We actually have some traders planning to go from here to Manehattan to Dise!
Paradise? If so, an apostrophe may be in order.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Mon Aug 13, 2012 1:10 am
And thank you also.SilentCarto wrote:
- Ch. 49 Commentary:
Chapter 49: Consequence
Hoo boy. Here it comes.
Enervation’s piercing scream surrounded me on all sides, and every few seconds I passed through a shimmering, more-loudly-shrieking silver ring that sucked me in and spat me out ever faster.
Well crap! That wasn't what I expected...
For a moment I soared upward and had a glimpse of an immense disk like a circular saw blade, the motes of light being pulled through gaps in a colossal, jagged tire-like wall of silver that surrounded that glowing donut.
Is that what the Core looks like from the other side? Or is it Thunderhead? The Eater itself? Hard to tell scale right now.
Or… if you believed a certain zebra myth about giant star monsters... but that was just crazy…
Okay then. I'm surprised to see it has definite structure. I'd thought the Eater was a big lump of metal, like most asteroids. If the Necropolis is... "inside" the Eater, in the middle of it... it just got ten times creepier!
The most fortunate are like animals. They have intellect but no will to use it and no personality or sense of self.
Hi, Boo!
No… It couldn’t be! A dozen bolts of lightning struck the center, and for the first time I realized that the scream Lacunae had been hearing hadn’t been a what. It was a who.
Cindy Lou Who? :D Seriously, though... I had expected it would be the star that crashed into the Zebra city, but now I'm wondering... a soul that's unique, like yet unlike the EoS... Luna?
The ICU section is kind of bugging me. There's something about it I don't like, but I can't quite put my hoof on it. I think it may just be that I don't like seeing BJ this broken, or maybe that I'm uncomfortable with so many unknowns floating around... the Unity, the damage to her soul, her missing and damaged legs... though I'm hoping the latter are just a lower priority than torso damage and her systems will get around to them later.
“Wait…mater futūtor…”
Lemme see... 'mother...' Oh.
“What if it’s from somepony else’s mouth?”
Heh heh, like say, somepony with an audio/visual recorder in their head? --woah, did I just stagger into Shadowrun?
“Ah shit. Fine. Ya got me.”
Wow, his accent actually changes when he gets caught? This guy should be in Phoenix Wright!
“No… that’s exactly what it is,” Carrion said, and then smiled. “Excuse me.”
Mwahahaha... this is what we in the biz call "the last mistake you'll ever make".
“But… I…” I stared at the heap of green slime as a huge bubble rose in the middle and popped. “Couldn’t you have made him put down the gold first?”
*falls down laughing* Shades of "The Treasure of the Sierra Madre"!
“Oh, curses.” Finally she smiled and looked at the other three. “Very well. I accept.”
Aww, I was hoping she could join Chapel.
Then he suddenly gripped my shoulders and pulled me in, pressing his hard beak to my lips and slipping something the texture and flavor of boot leather into my mouth.
Quest Perk: Ghoulkissed.
It was getting late; in an hour or two it would be dark...
T-6. Littlepip is currently shooting bloodwings.
Yellow eyes stared out at us from under the helmet of an archaic suit of armor as she turned to face us.
Oh, crap. Hi, sis.
How do you beguile with flanks of steel?
This is a steel Blackjack. All craftsponyship is of the highest quality. It is encircled with bands of adamantine. This object beguiles with flanks of steel.
“INCORRECT!” she roared, and then the darkness around us came alive! Shadowy tendrils reached up around our legs and held fast.
*facehoof* She knows Obtenebration?!
“Not Psychoshy. Whisper. If I’m going to start a new life, I may as well start a with a new name as well.”
D'awww...
While my eyes recovered from the glare of teleportation, I heard a number of startled voices and the sound of water flowing behind me.
Brace yourselves, here comes the main event!
“Hey, this isn’t Chapel!” I said, perhaps a little more loudly than I’d intended. “What are we doing in Riverside?”
Dang it!
The lemon-yellow Keeper grinned at me with that look that inexplicably drew a blush to my cheeks as he tugged down the brim of his floppy, beaten hat.
Ah, now this is more like it. Chilling with a bottle of booze and some worldly wisdom.
...he's about to shoot her in the back, isn't he.
“Why is pony always breaking legs? Pony has good legs. Pony needs to take care of legs,” Rover said as he fussed over my damaged limb with his tools.
Since the last time we crossed paths, I've really come to like Rover. You always know exactly where you stand with him, because he'll tell you outright and to your face. Guys like Dealer and even Keeper make me kind of paranoid, but Rover's a straight shooter.
“I solemnly swear I won’t intentionally break my limbs on any enemy smaller than a house.
I can think of at least three such enemies we know of already, and you're going to need at least one leg to drag yourself home.
I watched the lines of data that scrolled in the margins of my vision and slowly drifted away.
Glad to hear it. Five hours doesn't make up for over a week without sleep.
There was a pause as a mare muttered under her breath and then said, “One second. Almost… there…” And then abruptly the voice changed and became deeper. “Send Miss Psalm in.”
Don't tell me they have a changeling on staff? I mean, I guess I wouldn't put it past Luna, but that's a little weird even for her... and I'm not sure I like the name "Eclipe", given the circumstances.
“Ahem. Sorry to cut this short, but sometimes there’s just no reasoning with my… with Princess Celestia. I’ll get somepony to show you out, my dear.”
With my... sister. Aha. I wonder how many hats she really wears.
“Better a dead princess than a captured one…”
Wow. Okay. That... is actually a completely legit reason to have a scope on Celestia. I'm getting chills.
“Just one question though, Rover: Why do you keep talking like that?!”
In Rover's defense, Gnarr is the oddity here -- the Hellhounds in FOE were about one step above "You no take candle!" At least as far as Ponese went.
“La la la la la I suggest you start walking la la la la…”
Wait, so BJ's going to be arriving alone and on foot? Is there a Pile?! :D
And then there was a solid thud against my rear end and I jerked, spinning around and looking at the stunned white blank.
SQUEEEEEE!
And then her wings snapped and she hauled me into the air. “Blackjack!” she snapped, and with more power than I knew any pegasus could muster, threw me clear across the room and smashed me into the far wall.
Ooh. Nice distance.
Welcome home, Blackjack.
NOOOO! ...I can't wait for the next chapter!
- Editing:
Finally she unplugged the PipBuck from my temple, which I hoped meant she was done.
She pulled the plug from my temple, then tapped the keys a few more times; the deftness she employed with the tips of her hooves astonished me.
Can you do that? Can you unplug something twice?!
From here they could strike at Red Eye at Paradise, the Collegiate, Scrapyard, and the Skyport with nopony ready until its too late.
until it was (or, at the very least, "until it's")
I pushed back the curtain and looked at the pink mane; her mane had lost a lot of its curly bounciness.
pink filly, I think you meant to say.
“Hello girls. Did I miss anything?”
Comma after "Hello".
“Guess that’s one of them glasses half filled deal.”
deals
More and more were taken, and then one day they returned at once and with pegasi and controlled hounds; took over the base.
Did you mean "returned all at once"?
Just one question though, Rover:
comma after "question"
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Mon Aug 13, 2012 1:11 am
@O. Hinds: You're welcome; those points make sense (I probably just think of things more rigidly than necessary); I've been considering reading it at some point, but haven't yet--I guess the "if" doesn't trigger.
And, since I'm back, I thought I might as well say my piece on Through the Eyes.
TL;DR version: I like lots of the characters, and generally think that this handled brony-in-Equestria about as well as it can be. The characters that were developed in Season One largely seem like themselves (to me), and I think the shipping is okay as far as shipping goes. The plot just gets weird later on, the world doesn't really make sense, and the villain is fairly poor. I like the zany romantic- and general comedy, and the exploration aspects, and will probably stick with the story for them, but this, perhaps more than any fic I've read much of, could benefit from a thorough rewrite to address plot, setting, and some character elements, along with pacing, so I'm happy to see he's starting to rework the early chapters. I hope the finished product is less weak, because I think that the parts that are good are very good, and the presence of all the problems irritates me greatly.
And, since I'm back, I thought I might as well say my piece on Through the Eyes.
- Wall-o-Text:
- First, because I've just been following it on EqD, I was unaware that it had gone beyond the second chapter of rewrite and chapter fourteen, and it's been some time since I read any of it, so this will be relatively vague.
Now, like some of the others here, I feel like it was at its best when the plot was more limited to "what are we supposed to do with this guy?" and a little bit of Luna dealing with the Internet. I really believe that the real conflict could have been handled much better, and that is certainly a major problem with the story.
On the plus side, none of the main cast stood out as seriously out of character. The original characters were pretty good--until we started meeting the ones that were important to the plot (I like the captain and some of the soldiers, but his mother, his father...ugh). Celestia wasn't amazing, but worked out fine, I think. I actually liked Luna in this, and while (as with most shipping) the relationship with Firewall was accelerated, I felt that it was basically fine. I liked Firewall; he was a fun character, and that's what the story needed. I found the narration amusing, which really helped things.
Harry was a bland, confusing villain. His motivations are weird, and the world-building is confused (also, what's the deal with the pacts?). I never really got how there were both 1000 years of history that ponies remember, and it all lasted only a year...those aspects were weak. And that hurt things for me, considerably. I love quality world-building; I love stuff like The Silmarilion; I love when novels have appendices and notes, like LOTR or Dune; hell, I think I liked the appendix of 1984 better than the body. And while aspects of this world I enjoyed, many--particularly those in the last few chapters--fell flat.
Moreover, the story has what I'll call CLES--chapter length explosion syndrome. This has it (early chapters were around 10k words, by the break they were more than double that and chapter fourteen was something like 45k); FOE had it in both chronic (the later chapters were in general far longer than early ones) and acute (chapter 38, am I right?) forms; PH's case is more mild and seems to have plateaued. That's nothing too bad in itself, but in this story there get to be pacing issues once the plot starts; there I would often find myself thinking "Wow, this is taking a long time to read," where in FOE I'd finish a chapter and think "Wow, that took a long time to read" (unless I was really tired at the time; but reading when I'm having trouble maintaining wakefulness is my fault, not the author's), and the difference is crucial. I shouldn't have the opportunity to feel like things are dragging out, especially in (what I thought was) a lighthearted romantic comedy.
TL;DR version: I like lots of the characters, and generally think that this handled brony-in-Equestria about as well as it can be. The characters that were developed in Season One largely seem like themselves (to me), and I think the shipping is okay as far as shipping goes. The plot just gets weird later on, the world doesn't really make sense, and the villain is fairly poor. I like the zany romantic- and general comedy, and the exploration aspects, and will probably stick with the story for them, but this, perhaps more than any fic I've read much of, could benefit from a thorough rewrite to address plot, setting, and some character elements, along with pacing, so I'm happy to see he's starting to rework the early chapters. I hope the finished product is less weak, because I think that the parts that are good are very good, and the presence of all the problems irritates me greatly.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Aonee Mon Aug 13, 2012 1:25 am
Ya know guys, with 49 out I'm pretty certain PH has broke the 1,000,000 word mark.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Caoimhe Mon Aug 13, 2012 1:30 am
I think my last count was 980k. So it's either there or nearly.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by IncoherentOrange Mon Aug 13, 2012 1:37 am
Icy Shake wrote:@O. Hinds: You're welcome; those points make sense (I probably just think of things more rigidly than necessary); I've been considering reading it at some point, but haven't yet--I guess the "if" doesn't trigger.
And, since I'm back, I thought I might as well say my piece on Through the Eyes.
- Wall-o-Text:
Now, like some of the others here, I feel like it was at its best when the plot was more limited to "what are we supposed to do with this guy?" and a little bit of Luna dealing with the Internet. I really believe that the real conflict could have been handled much better, and that is certainly a major problem with the story.
On the plus side, none of the main cast stood out as seriously out of character. The original characters were pretty good--until we started meeting the ones that were important to the plot (I like the captain and some of the soldiers, but his mother, his father...ugh). Celestia wasn't amazing, but worked out fine, I think. I actually liked Luna in this, and while (as with most shipping) the relationship with Firewall was accelerated, I felt that it was basically fine. I liked Firewall; he was a fun character, and that's what the story needed. I found the narration amusing, which really helped things.
Harry was a bland, confusing villain. His motivations are weird, and the world-building is confused (also, what's the deal with the pacts?). I never really got how there were both 1000 years of history that ponies remember, and it all lasted only a year...those aspects were weak. And that hurt things for me, considerably. I love quality world-building; I love stuff like The Silmarilion; I love when novels have appendices and notes, like LOTR or Dune; hell, I think I liked the appendix of 1984 better than the body. And while aspects of this world I enjoyed, many--particularly those in the last few chapters--fell flat.
Moreover, the story has what I'll call CLES--chapter length explosion syndrome. This has it (early chapters were around 10k words, by the break they were more than double that and chapter fourteen was something like 45k); FOE had it in both chronic (the later chapters were in general far longer than early ones) and acute (chapter 38, am I right?) forms; PH's case is more mild and seems to have plateaued. That's nothing too bad in itself, but in this story there get to be pacing issues once the plot starts; there I would often find myself thinking "Wow, this is taking a long time to read," where in FOE I'd finish a chapter and think "Wow, that took a long time to read" (unless I was really tired at the time; but reading when I'm having trouble maintaining wakefulness is my fault, not the author's), and the difference is crucial. I shouldn't have the opportunity to feel like things are dragging out, especially in (what I thought was) a lighthearted romantic comedy.
TL;DR version: I like lots of the characters, and generally think that this handled brony-in-Equestria about as well as it can be. The characters that were developed in Season One largely seem like themselves (to me), and I think the shipping is okay as far as shipping goes. The plot just gets weird later on, the world doesn't really make sense, and the villain is fairly poor. I like the zany romantic- and general comedy, and the exploration aspects, and will probably stick with the story for them, but this, perhaps more than any fic I've read much of, could benefit from a thorough rewrite to address plot, setting, and some character elements, along with pacing, so I'm happy to see he's starting to rework the early chapters. I hope the finished product is less weak, because I think that the parts that are good are very good, and the presence of all the problems irritates me greatly.
And to think I set off this whole discussion about that story by mentioning my own self-insert story. You guys are good critics, I'd love to see a crack taken at my own stories. If one could be bothered, the poison is here. It's my first work, quite clichéd, and months old, yet still I can't make heads or tails of its quality.
There, I've linked it once. Self-promotion mode: off.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Cptadder Mon Aug 13, 2012 1:42 am
Gah, I take another three days off miss two great discussions, still need to read the latest Murky, got totally creatively wrecked by EQ daily's Fallout Equestira side stories (I just keep scrolling and scrolling and oh god there's yet more stories I can't read right now) and now look at this chapter 49.
Gee thanks Somber, thanks a lot...
You know SOME of us have to go into work every day so we can slave over dozens of hot computers all day long to make the money we need to support this non-existent family and it's crippling drug/drink/gambling/Muffins/Sex/MMO Raid addictions (Edit down as required for your preferred crippling flaw) so we can come home and put in yet more work over a hot... well actually it's watercooled with two external 400 GPL pumps hooked up to a internal... look the fact that my home computer is only room temperature is beside the point.... and that point is... the point is...
Yes! The Point is Chapter 49 will just have to wait some of us have to get some sleep so we will be ready for our day off tomorrow so I am getting up an hour early tomorrow.. ONLY one hour early to catch up on the forums and chapter 49 and your just going to have to settle for that Somber. I just can't give you anymore.
And my re-read? The one I've been working on again off again, oh don't even get me started on that....
Look I'm going to sleep and that's final... I am NOT going to get back up again in twenty minute and boot up the laptop to read Chapter 49 in bed it's just going to have to wait until the morning.
And that's final!
Gee thanks Somber, thanks a lot...
You know SOME of us have to go into work every day so we can slave over dozens of hot computers all day long to make the money we need to support this non-existent family and it's crippling drug/drink/gambling/Muffins/Sex/MMO Raid addictions (Edit down as required for your preferred crippling flaw) so we can come home and put in yet more work over a hot... well actually it's watercooled with two external 400 GPL pumps hooked up to a internal... look the fact that my home computer is only room temperature is beside the point.... and that point is... the point is...
Yes! The Point is Chapter 49 will just have to wait some of us have to get some sleep so we will be ready for our day off tomorrow so I am getting up an hour early tomorrow.. ONLY one hour early to catch up on the forums and chapter 49 and your just going to have to settle for that Somber. I just can't give you anymore.
And my re-read? The one I've been working on again off again, oh don't even get me started on that....
Look I'm going to sleep and that's final... I am NOT going to get back up again in twenty minute and boot up the laptop to read Chapter 49 in bed it's just going to have to wait until the morning.
And that's final!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by 222222 Mon Aug 13, 2012 1:59 am
Well I finally finished the work I was supposed to do this afternoon when SOMEPONY, I'm not going to point fingers, decided to be a literary genius all over my internetz. I certainly hope SOMEPONY will take other peoples personal lives into consideration before being brilliant in front of them. I mean, how was I supposed to read "In the Basement of the Ivory Tower" in it's entirety after SOMEPONY set the days bar for literature so high.
There are some other points I wanted to address but I can't remember them. Somebody was worried about college and I wanted to be inspirational, and somebody talked about Through the Eyes of Another Pony, and I agreed. Somebody said PH was at a million words but I've been telling people that for months (untruthfully of course). The new orange guy talked about his story again and I was going to read it. Oh and
@CotAdder: so how did you like the new chapter
I think that about covers it. Semi-coherent rambling off
There are some other points I wanted to address but I can't remember them. Somebody was worried about college and I wanted to be inspirational, and somebody talked about Through the Eyes of Another Pony, and I agreed. Somebody said PH was at a million words but I've been telling people that for months (untruthfully of course). The new orange guy talked about his story again and I was going to read it. Oh and
@CotAdder: so how did you like the new chapter
I think that about covers it. Semi-coherent rambling off
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Cptadder Mon Aug 13, 2012 2:49 am
I am asleep, totally asleepErumpet wrote:
@CotAdder: so how did you like the new chapter
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Custardman Mon Aug 13, 2012 3:10 am
Caoimhe wrote:
Also Hoofington pic is some serious shit. Bravo. I couldn't tell if it was a drawing of Hoofington or a photo taken yesterday of Detroit!Though the water is more New Jersey.
hehe thanks! Detroit is in a state of anarchy half the time, right?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Scyto Harmony Mon Aug 13, 2012 6:27 am
*clears throat* Attention, Ladies and Gentlemen! The first season of the PHRP thread has ended!
Good thing we're now starting season 2! Everyone is welcome to join us, no former RP knowledge required to join in our world of danger, mystery, drama, wacky hijinks, and the occasional epic boss fight!
if you're interested, come find us in the RP section of the forum, it'll be fun, I promise!
Awaaaaay!~~
Good thing we're now starting season 2! Everyone is welcome to join us, no former RP knowledge required to join in our world of danger, mystery, drama, wacky hijinks, and the occasional epic boss fight!
if you're interested, come find us in the RP section of the forum, it'll be fun, I promise!
Awaaaaay!~~
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Ametros Mon Aug 13, 2012 7:01 am
So here it is. I've finally done a running commentary of a fresh chapter. :D
It only took me at least 3 separate interruptions of sizeable length to finish - damn classes... xD
EDIT: Derp. Bravo to Somber and the team as always for an excellent chapter!!
It only took me at least 3 separate interruptions of sizeable length to finish - damn classes... xD
- Commentary:
“I think there’s a much more fitting word for it: Hell.”
-Otherwise known as The Eater Of Souls, right? This isn’t looking very good…
“…I realized that the scream Lacunae had been hearing hadn’t been a what. It was a who.”
-Right, so there’s an entity there, being tortured by The Eater, I presume? Who is it? To warrant such particular attentions would suggest that they opposed The Eater and its goal of collecting souls… Is it Goldenblood? I don’t know.. Probably not – I can’t think of anything currently to validate such a thought…
“I slowly opened my eyes…”
-Alive is good. :D
“I must have been using the shooty voice, because everyone immediately looked a little nervous.”
-Wait, she has a shooty voice now?? As if she needed to make ponies any MORE uncomfortable around her… xD
“Snails wants to find some unicorn mare he knew back before the war.”
“Mmhmm! The Great and Powerful Trixie!”
-Oh god. Oh god no.
“Psychoshy asked, looking over from her bed with a smirk on her face and worry in her eyes.”
-I wouldn’t think I’d say this, but ‘Aaaaaaw… Poor Psychoshy..’
“…And they haven’t just been saving them; they’ve been broadcasting them somewhere as well.”
-Well fuck. So who’s spying on Blackjack and is privy to quite a lot of happenings??
“Or… maybe she didn’t. My eyes came from her. Maybe… maybe somepony hacked her eyes and ears a long time ago.”
-Ooooh. So is it Zodiac, or Goldenblood, or another entity entirely? And where is the feed going TO??
“The Remnant have one more.”
-I’m sorry what?!
“…There was one silo that didn’t fire. The missile malfunctioned… so we had to keep the bomb safe and secure. When the Remnant came, they discovered it and took both the bomb and the zebras who maintained it.”
-OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT
When the day of fire came, only a dozen bombs were fired from Dawn Bay. Not hundreds, as intended.”
“Hundreds?”
-Wow. That is some serious solar-flaring orgasms of Celestia right there. O_o
“What if it’s from somepony else’s mouth?”
-Is Blackjack thinking of the same cunning plan that I’m thinking of? :D
“Darn. You figured me out. Well, except for one thing. My PipBuck? It’s a broadcaster.”
-Oh yeah… Well, it turns out her plan was better than what I was thinking of. xD
“Ahuizotl, for conspiring against the residents of Hoofington Memorial, we sentence you to exile. Your bar and its contents are to be seized and sold to fund the community.”
-BUT CARRION’S CONTRACT!!! D:
“He started to trot away as Carrion caught up, and I held up the roll of paper with my magic.”
-YES YES YES YES YES YES YES
“Yes,” Carrion replied simply. A moment later a green beam lanced through the ghoul, transforming him and everything on him into a heap of glistening green goop. “Goodbye.”
-Okay. That’s EVEN BETTER STILL. Good riddance.
“Apparently, someone else holding their contract was the point of being a griffin… and with that, they eclipsed zebras as weirdest species in the wasteland.”
-I think I know how this is going to end up…
“You just want ta feel better than the rest of us by playing the big hero. Well, ya ain’t. So if you feel like scum, congratulations. You are. And someday you’ll accept that. Then you won’t give a fuck about forgiveness.”
-Oh god no. WARNING! WARNING! MENTAL BREAKDOWN IMMINENT! …Or not.
“I looked at their union, and then Psychoshy glanced at me, her face turning scarlet as she moved atop him, seemingly unable to stop herself.”
-BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
“Psychoshy made an admirable imitation of her mother as she blushed. She didn’t stop moving, though, and really I couldn’t blame her.”
-D’aaaaaaaw/BAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
“Here. I’m giving you Carrion’s contract. He’ll keep you safe while you search.”
-I thought as much. Roughly.
“I… well… but… I…” The zebra looked around in a near panic and then hung her head. “Oh, curses.”
-Poor Xanthe…
“Shattered Hoof Ridge Correctional. That was where Tiara was last,” Silver Spoon said. “I know she probably didn’t get out, but I have to hope.” And if nothing else, it was a way to keep from going feral.”
-Oh. My. Gawd. I’d completely forgotten Diamond Tiara was there… D:
“Sweet Celestia, I couldn’t get the taste off!”
-BAHAHAHAHA!!!
“THOU INSISTED YOU NEEDED BUT ONE HOUR TO BED THE STRUMPET BLACKJACK!”
-I’m just laughing almost non-stop for this whole section. “STOP THOU CUNT THOU!”? xD
Oh wow. A chalkboard does not do Stygius’ eloquent speech justice.
“You’re a prince?!”
-Okay, so that caught me COMPLETELY off-guard…
“Psychoshy swallowed and then swooped after them. “Wait! Wait... please...” she said as she landed in front of him. “Take me with you.”
-This however, didn’t catch me unawares at all. xD
“We actually have some traders planning to go from here to Manehattan to Dise!”
-EEEEEEEE!!! Heroes reference! :D
“The old yellow buck threw his head back and laughed. “So it was you! Thought so. Blackjack, didn’t take long for folks to figger out who in the Hoof coulda done it!”
-Blackjack walked STRAIGHT into this one… :D
“Well now. I think I’d better be going. There’s a nice young aspiring caravaner here, and I was thinking of giving her some personal tips of the trade before she heads off to Baltimare.”
-Is this a slight reference/tie-in to Ilushia’s New Beginnings? I’m really not quite sure yet. xD
“…He insisted that we’d all been played, and that he was the biggest fool of them all. That something had to be done to save Equestria.”
-Well shit. This has BAD NEWS written all over it…
“So far, you’re the best candidate I’ve found.”
-So it seems that the bulk of the theorycrafting regarding EC-1101 seems accurate. So far, at least…
“I gaped at her, then at the bottle, then in the direction Keeper had gone. “But… but I only drank one glass…” “
-I love Keeper…
“I solemnly swear I won’t intentionally break my limbs on any enemy smaller than a house…”
-These limbs are getting torn to pieces when Blackjack runs into that damned tank again… xD
“Floating against the surface of the map were eight icons of light: bright orange, cyan, pink, purple, violet, yellow, green, and gold.”
-Interesting. They’re tracking the Ministry Mares. I presume gold to be Goldenblood? Who would green be, Applesnack?
“You were never supposed to kill the Legate.”
-Yup. Thought as much. If Psalm misses her target, she was meant to do so.
“The zebra colt falling instead, the bullet through his eye.”
-Oh dear. Poor Psalm…
“Ahem. Sorry to cut this short, but sometimes there’s just no reasoning with my… with Princess Celestia.”
-This must be of note… Is Eclipse working for Celestia? I’m thinking ‘yes’. Or is it maybe suggesting some form of familial tie?
“I’m going to do whatever it takes and show her and everypony that I am every bit the ruler that she was!”
-No Luna… Please no… D:
“Better a dead princess than a captured one…”
-Oh no. NO FUCKING NO. IT MAKES PERFECT SENSE BUT NOPENOPENOPENOPENOPE
“La la la la la la… not listening to Blackjack talking about things in her hiney.”
-In contrast to the previous sad inference, this is the BEST POSSIBLE THING. :D
“The creature was almost two feet taller than Rover, but it stooped over. Yellowish hide sprouting knots of scar tissue and bristly black fur covered its incredibly muscled frame.”
-Is this a hellhound? Yeah, it’s a hellhound. I get the feeling that shooting this one wouldn’t be appropriate, Blackjack.
“No! Stop, Pony! Stop!”
-Thought as much. I’m sure there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation here… Although you aren’t a very clever pony, Blackjack…
“Thought her horn was bigger.”
-Always with the small horn thing, right?
“Please fix me, Rover! Please please please please! Pleeeeeeeeeease!”
-And… back to thinking Blackjack is descended from Rarity. :D
“The pair disappeared, and I blinked, looking around the now empty ruins.”
-Again, Blackjack was ASKING for this to happen. xD
“The yellow filly’s words reached my ears, but I paid them no mind as I fled. “What’s her problem?” “
-Is it a good thing Charity doesn’t realise how much power and sway she holds over Blackjack? I think so. Celestia help Blackjack if she ever figures it out…
“And I got shot up a lot and died again, but I could tell her about that later.”
-Right now I am REALLY concerned what ‘later’ will be like… Oh Blackjack, you are in for a world of hurt.
“You... You... fucking cunt!”
-Can’t say I’m surprised. I’ve been waiting for this for a few chapters…
- Errors:
“Ramage waited a minute and then sniffed.”
-Missing the ‘p’ in Rampage.
“There’s a nice young aspiring caravaner here, and I was thinking of giving her some personal tips of the trade before she heads off to Baltimare.”
-I believe you want ‘caravaneer’ rather than ‘caravaner’?
- Questions:
Who is the entity in 'Hell'?
Who is the green figure being tracked on the board?
What do we think of Eclipse's slip-up?
Did Goldenblood really organise the attempt on Celestia's life?
EDIT: Derp. Bravo to Somber and the team as always for an excellent chapter!!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by WavemasterRyx Mon Aug 13, 2012 7:07 am
Alright, after having to wait one very long day to read chapter 49, I thought it was an absolutely wonderful chapter. There's so much going on, and such a mix of emotions, it was great and... and I'm really coming up on empty and need to go to sleep... I'll try my best to get a proper commentary done as soon as I can.
Thank you so very much Somber, Hinds, Bronode, and Snipe. *hugs all of you together*
- just one thing else to say about the chapter:
- And how could I
not say it... Yay for Boo! Just as adorable as ever!
Thank you so very much Somber, Hinds, Bronode, and Snipe. *hugs all of you together*
Did I welcome you already? If not, welcome, sir. I must say, it's quite a wonderful picture, I love scenic pieces, so I'll be looking forward to seeing your final version.Custardman wrote:Hey guys here's a nearly finished pic of the Hoofington cityscape, might add a few things later.
I'm very sorry that you've had so many problems in life, sir... picking a direction... it's not easy... and I'm really not the kind of person who could give you any pointers on what to do... but we're here for you, String. I really hope you'll be able to get through this. *hugs you tight*stringtheory wrote:it seems like everyone on here has has some kind of emotional outpouring, so I guess it's my turn now...![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 14 4206338362](https://2img.net/u/2516/12/35/12/smiles/4206338362.png)
Congratulations to you all, I do hope season two continues to be enjoyable. Also... please pass my deepest regret and apologies to the entire PHRP for being such a failure with your group picture... I can understand entirely if you decide to seek out a different artist's services.ScytoHarmony wrote:*clears throat* Attention, Ladies and Gentlemen! The first season of the PHRP thread has ended!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Ametros Mon Aug 13, 2012 7:09 am
ScytoHarmony wrote:*clears throat* Attention, Ladies and Gentlemen! The first season of the PHRP thread has ended!
Good thing we're now starting season 2! Everyone is welcome to join us, no former RP knowledge required to join in our world of danger, mystery, drama, wacky hijinks, and the occasional epic boss fight!
if you're interested, come find us in the RP section of the forum, it'll be fun, I promise!
Awaaaaay!~~
AAAAAAHHHH!!! I'd want to try, but unfortunately I'm rather busy, live in a timezone practically opposite to most people, and am about to start a more formal FO:E RP with some mates...
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