Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

[OneMoreDaySK]

Didn't think that the chapter was out yet, thought it had been delayed.

Chapter Impressions. Warning: Giant wall of text:

Yeah that was a great chapter. Action without having the main character shoot things up. You're getting better at that. One thing though. The chapters are friggin huge. It's really hard to do this in one setting, but with me, I can't do it any other way.

@MisterMech
Pft. Hahahahaha. Too bad he's not smooshed.

Now excuse me, I need some sleep.

[Admiral Stoic Rum]

Okay i need to clarify this right now and since some crazy ponies out there havenot read the original documents

Spoiler:

Granted the characters know nothing of the nature of the mirror's true purpose.

[Derpmind]

*Tic**Tic* *Tic* *Tic* *Tic* *Tic* *Tic* *Tic* *Tic* *Tic* *Tic* *Tic* *Tic* *Ding!*

Crazy theory time: Murky is mutated such that he is semi-immortal. He doesn't have any bonuses to his constitution, and he's not very resistant to bullets through vital organs, but basically he's able to live even when driven beyond the brink of starvation and exhaustion and everything else too.

...as far as cray theories go, this is, like, 4/10. Meh.

*Cranks timer on brain, sets to Derp*

You really made Unity a compelling character. I can see her backstory involving her having some of the Mane-6 statues and getting a cutie mark for being able to make similar statues and enchant them. (Without using parts of her soul, though.) I don't think we've seen the last of her, but it's definitely going to be awhile. Hopefully you'll be able to make her husband equally compelling, whenever he comes up.

[RoboRed]

Alrighty then...now that I've gotten some time to sit aside and read the latest chapter, I shall make known my thoughts.

First off, I'm going to echo what Icy said about chapter length. It takes me roughly 50min-1hr to finish a 20k chapter. It took me about an 1hr45 to finish ch13, including about 10 minutes of me being distracted or lost in thought, so it looks like my estimate of this chapter's length is about right. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing really wrong with the content of the chapter, but they do tend to drag on a bit and make me lose focus even more. Also, longer chapters are harder to find time to read when one has other priorities that must be attended to first.

Spoiler:

I don't think we've seen the last of her, but it's definitely going to be awhile. Hopefully you'll be able to make her husband equally compelling, whenever he comes up.

Spoiler:

[Admiral Stoic Rum]

maybe we will catch a glimpse of her as she is reunited with her buck.

[Moodyman90]

Took me a while to get around reading it, and longer to post here.

Don't have much to say other then I enjoyed the chapter and looking forward to the next one.

Okay I have a few more things to say. I love how Pinkie Pie has become a canon deus ex machina. That may not work in other stories but it fits for Murky.

And I knew the fact the mare was named Unity was going to be connected to the Goddess' Unity. Just didn't see what actually happened coming and thus you're an evil person for ,in my opinion, a good plot twist and play on words.

[Admiral Stoic Rum]

okay I have read yournew chapter, and it was awesome as always,

I sometimes find it hard to tell when you are switching from Murkey's narrative to the interviewer when a quote seems to come out of nowere

anyway

heres the thing, that ending, I was not expecting that and well some things ned spoiler tags

don't fucking open me unless you read the chapter:

[Nhim]

First of all, I haven't read the new chapter. I will. Tomorrow! Too sleepy. I would have read it earlier had I realized today was Sept 21 and therefore update day. Oops... Here I am, thinking it was still somewhere in late August. Embarrassing, but I don't keep track of time too well in the absence of school... ^^;

(Thank all for putting things in spoiler tags, by the way!)

Aw, thanks very much! It really does mean a lot to me that you decided to let me know what you thought of it. My biggest fear really is that I could be writing in the dark and few people would actually give any feedback on how they thought of it.

To see people here in Cloudsville, or on /mlp/, or tumblr or even email and DevARt all commenting just...it overwhelms me sometimes, even if I know it's hardly anything on what the bigger stories get. So thank you, Nhim, thank you ever so much. ^^

You're welcome. If I like something of someone's, I try to tell them so, even if it takes me awhile to work up the courage. I'm really, really certain you are not even remotely writing in the dark.

There's just something I've been thinking about. It's Brimstone. If it's okay to ask? (And anyone can answer too if you have thoughts or to point out something I missed.)

I was just wondering how a warlord turns around and decides he needs to do penance for his sins. How someone whose daily life was murder, rape, and violence suddenly decides the way he is living...is wrong and that he needs to make up for it. What drove him, psychologically, from point A to point B? I'm just having trouble understanding his thinking that led up to the change of heart. How he goes from being brutal and cruel as a warlord to still being brutal and cruel, but as a protector of others. Was it all Glimmerlight? Was she that inspiring to him? I don't know. Um. Does that make sense? I guess I'm just looking for a bit more of an explanation of his thinking, or I must have missed understanding something somewhere.

If this was explained before in the first few chapters, well, I think I forgot and tomorrow I'll skim through and try to find it. My fault for rushing through the beginning and focusing only on Murky because I totally have a one-track mind.

And if it will be covered in future chapters or even in the one I haven't read yet, then no one has to say anything, aha.

@AdmiralRum: Hullo! Thanks for the welcome. ^^

[OneMoreDaySK]

Wow... What a chapter. Really needs to get that clearup on Arbu soon. Else things definitely won't go so well. Methinks personally that Glimmer's parents went AJ, or did that not happen yet?

[Moodyman90]

I vote for Fuzzy to be named the most evil writer ever. So... if this was the beginning of the darkest time of his life... how long does it last?

Doesn't help that I keep forgetting and being reminded that... I'm reading about the main character of a Fallout Equestria story, nothing good last and it's only going to get worse.

[RoboRed]

It's official - this is the most grimdark thing I've ever read.

I hope that Shackles' death is extremely slow and agonizing. The demon deserves nothing less.

Spoiler:

I need to read some happy now. My soul feels like it's been crushed and wrapped around my windpipe.

[Luminous Lead]

I vote for Fuzzy to be named the most evil writer ever. So... if this was the beginning of the darkest time of his life... how long does it last?

Doesn't help that I keep forgetting and being reminded that... I'm reading about the main character of a Fallout Equestria story, nothing good last and it's only going to get worse.

If it's not a happy ending, the story hasn't ended yet.

[Admiral Stoic Rum]

well I must say loved the show down of will between shackles and Brim. It was utterly brilliant. If you think about it in order for brim to be able to even have a mocodium of control over those raiders he would have to be able to put on a show. Since he had to do this in order to survive, It makes sense he would be capable of completely humiliating shackles. Shackles was essentially born in a place of power, and had only certain levels of experience in projecting it. Oh man Brim was incredibly brilliant. Really incredibly brilliant. You know

on to a thought I had earlier. Ragini was severly damaged in a way that well is pretty mcuh shackles' machinations, had that back up happened, well she would not have been so grievously injured. also since protege owns ragini's contract, all he needs to order is that murkey be found and brought to him. it would not matter if shackles had him or not. Once ragini and the other griffons i am sure, make the connection that shackles had a hoof in her injury, that puts shackles in a hole. to a level.

I am still mystified by shackles' disappearance in the underground. likely I think he decided to follow murkey really quiet, to determine what he wanted. to track him persay. intimidating him would not hold much water in a situation where he is in his domain means nothing, not when he is not any way... I think about this a bit

[Admiral Stoic Rum]

ummm, you must be a chapter behind, there is more stuff that has happened after the whole thing at the fun barn

[Admiral Stoic Rum]

I know, that's why I said it was for Ch. 13.

Oh. Ketchup then

[tylertoon2]

OH MY GOD FUZZY YOU EVIL HEARTED BASTARD.

WORDS CANNOT DESCRIBE HOW DISTRAUGHT I AM

WHY CAN YOU MAKE ME FEEL THIS WAY WITH MERE WORDS

[Fuzzy]

My apologies for being so short on the ground here lately. I am honestly still constantly checking and reading everything here, I assure you! I've been really pleased to see the feedback, both the praises to make me smile and the awesomely forward critique on the elements you didn't like. (In particular swicked, I have a feeling you may be the harshest critic I have, I rather like knowing someone's always ready to call me out on writing that isn't up to par. :p)

One of the things I keep hearing is "I forgot about Bucklynn!" So many people did and indeed for a time I was very careful to avoid referencing Glimmer being from there, so as not to jog memories ahead of the reveal. I'm really happy the shock value was maintained for the moment. It was hard to do that to the readers with Glimmer...

[Admiral Stoic Rum]

Fuzzy on Monday I had a dream. I was essentially murky. I was making turkey pepperoni and provolone wraps. I forgot the provolone I set upon by the Master. The hood of my jacket was thrown over my head as I prostrated before him and he pulled the drawstrings of my hood tight Lifting my head from the ground. He used his foot to bounce my head back to the ground. he did this several times. I then woke up. I was 1 minute and 35 seconds late clocking in that morning because of that dream. It was weird given that my residual self image was the same as it is in the real world but I knew it was supposed to be weak. Fuzzy I blame you for such an odd dream.

[Fuzzy]

Oh my...

I've heard a few reports of dreams from people, that is now the fourth one.

I have to wonder what I've accidentally done here. Either that or I'm secretly trying to get psychologists money.

[WovenTales]

Well, I don't have a dream to share—potentially due to having a terrible time remembering them—but you have certainly created some amazing imagery. I was actually talking back to the latest chapter when I read it last night (yes, I know I was rather slow getting around to it), which I have never done to any great extent until then. The mention of what happened to Ragini made me stop reading for a few seconds until my non-existent wings stopped doing whatever they were doing. (Remember Rainbow flying out of the hospital? Something like that, only more severe.) The original scene was almost physically painful, and I have never had a similar response (or any, really) with any of my real limbs. If I remember correctly, I was truly crying along with Murky when Unity went to Unity, not just dealing with wet eyes—and if it wasn't there, it was somewhere else in the story. You might not have written one of the most enjoyable sidefics, but it is certainly one of my favorites. And if it progresses like I think it will (not the plot; I have no idea where that's going), Project Horizons will have a very hard time keeping the title of best fic—and I consider that on par with the better published works. Good job, sir. And thank you.

As I side note, I think I need to work on avoiding parentheticals.

[Fuzzy]

I need to work on avoided ellipsis too much as well, so don't worry. :p

I generally don't think about what I'm comparing or rating against, but I am pleased to hear you think of it with such potential. Unity leaving was a bit difficult to write, I wanted to keep her around, but sometimes author wishes and story direction differ. If all my wishes came true, Mister Peace would be rolling permenantly with the party by now.

The plot is really a three natured beast, the obvious main one is the escape attempts and trying to get out. I don't think anyone's under any allusions that it will constitute the main emphasis. But there is another plot that's beginning to rear its head, with the situation in Fillydelphia surrounding and affecting the escape. This is where Protégé, The Master and all those other "Filly" characters come into it. The last chapter gave some hints at what else this might involve on the grand scale. This was simply to prevent the story becoming too unidirectional and offer chances to do stuff like Chapter 12. The third element is supporting plotlines, such as Glimmer and Coral's past or Unity and her buck. Things that add spice and help shape characters along the way.

Any more and I feel it's be waaay heavy on remembering stuff. I've probably shotgunned a whole bunch of plot points as it is!

[RoboRed]

Any more and I feel it's be waaay heavy on remembering stuff. I've probably shotgunned a whole bunch of plot points as it is!

*A WINDOW INSIDE ROBO'S MIND*

When you said that, I imagined somebody standing in the middle of a green, sunlit field with little sheets of written work passively floating/hovering around aimlessly through the air, then that person one-handedly blind-firing a shotgun in a random direction and taking a bunch of them out, turning them into shreds.

*THIS HAS BEEN A WINDOW INSIDE ROBO'S MIND*

[OneMoreDaySK]

@Dreams
Didn't have any that I could remember. Subconsious is weird that way when you only get a few hours of sleep per week.

Closest I can recall is my attempts to make a OC story of my own branching off FO:E and visiting other places before and after.

[Fuzzy]

I hope I never get a MN7 dream. Mostly because all my fanfiction-related dreams, so far, haven't involved the characters, just the authors. Even if I've never even talked to them before. My subconscious is weird.

Anyway, don't take this the wrong way, but did you upload the wrong revision of chapter 14? Because I'm coming across a lot of errors, again.

If there's a greater number of them, could you email a list to my gmail, please so I can check? It's on the Hub. It concerns me that they are appearing, actually, making me worry if there is an error with the uploading process and my filenaming procedures that GDocs is snatching old drafts.

[Admiral Stoic Rum]

... its not your fault I had the dream. I was late for work I was not really looking forward to being up there on a Monday. So subconsciously I alluded my job to murky's enslavement. I don't like where my mind went. I can really enjoy my job but other times it does not really rub me the right way.

[Stringtheory]

I just wish this was an audio book so that I could sit back, close my eyes and imagine it all while it's being described to me.

well there is an audio (ask and the internet provides):

so far the guy's only read the intro, and that was back at the beginning of September, so I'm not sure what's going on with it

[Fuzzy]

I've had to rough out this post, so apologies for no "real" quote boxes. But I've just copied. First off though, I am so glad for your effort in this review. I always really appreciate your keen eye for odd details not making sense and very critical outlook on things. It's a good cause to make me strive to do better every time. Thank you so much for doing so, I've always found some people afaid that I'll think they're just being picky or annoying if they point out problems. Really, I respect it. A lot.

So, on with quotes to offer some slight responses...

"Come on, you nameless slaves; put your backs into it!"

You sound almost willing to have poor Murky hurt, sir. :p

"Ooooh, such a scary little gang leader, threatening your enemy with your buck friend.
Can you catch the sarcasm? Because I meant it."

Well, Noose wasn't ever really the greatest gang leader out there. They get by on bullying more than actual fear and respect. Barb's lot would have torn them up had they encountered any real raiders or anything.

"Ooooooooh, that’s more like it. Sunny’s pretty seriously messed up, now. I like this; very nice work. It’s about time we got to see “the master’s” handiwork."

I'll admit I kinda had your criticism of Chapter 10 in mind for that scene. Although I hate to say the "I was always gonna do this!" line because it sounds arrogant and egotistical of me (and I would hate to think I ever portrayed that...) I had always intended her appearances to show a descent into worse and worse injury under The Master's rule. However as I brought her back I did let your feedback drive it a little. I'm glad it helped bring it up for you. :)

"I just kinda hate the idea that, for all her plusses, she’s doing nothing but scraping by while Murky, the born slave, is out there doing stuff."

All I'll say is, we're only seeing one side of the story here from Murky's perspective. ;)

And you're absolutely right that he should be latching on to ponies like her or, hell, Coral! As you said yourself before, she is definitely a pony worth admiring too. It is a character trait (and fault) that Murky is so...single track minded when it comes to these things. He's still learning.

"But... she flew from the pit. Flew from it. That’s why she was so instantly majestic to you. She flew without wings.
Woosh."

I have no idea why "woosh" made me laugh as much as it did. I think it was the Twi face.

"This IV drip just seems off."

It's based on the same theory we sometimes perscribe liquid suspension IV packs to the Wards in the hospital from the pharmacy where I occasionally work. Even if it's something they could take orally, a direct IV allows it to work into the system much faster and circumvents any issues in the bodies digestion and absorbtion tracks. Weathervane's medical theory was that it would send it into the bloodstream and directly to the blood flowing through his lungs rather than absorbed through the stomach and intestines. We use it for glucouse solutions at work.

I hope that doesn't sound like a "No U!" response. Just explaining my theory is all. :)

"What are they doing here, Fuzzy?" ("Solitary confinement")

I only wink. ;)

On a note, like with the LMR pics last time for...Chapter 12 I think it was, these make me laugh so much. It's a great funny read of a review as well as being critical and really informative for me as an author.

""Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow." – Mary Anne Radmacher
I think someone should say a version of this to Murky at some point; it’s one of my favorite quotes."

That's an amazing quote. Definitely added it to my little list of things that inspired and sound appropriate. I try not to throw in pre-existing things too much, but I do like to leave little subtle 'versions' of things for people who know it to spot. :)

"Edit from the future: Protégé used it two chapters back, so... yeah. I still don’t remember Murky packing that in his fleece, but whatever."

He got it in Chapter 11 when he went to the Container Yard for the slaver, where he got chased by Slit. He picked it up in the same container the Pinkie-bot spoke to him.

"...wha?" (Little list in a locker)

He's remembering the folder The Master had in his locker, found in Chapter 11. The one with the list of ponies who'd worked and died under him.

*On the metro mines*

Really glad you enjoyed these! Again, I feel this is me beginning to feel a little more confident in being able to describe a really grimdark area without becoming...gratuitous, perhaps? Back at the Raider Den I believe I was really resting on a bit of a nervous edge about what is "too much" or not. CHapter 11's scene with Glimmer almost being raped went a LOT closer to the bone before some prereaders felt it was a bit much. Brimstone's rampage on them afterwards was also much gorier before I drew it back. (Although I think leaving more to the imagination worked better there anyway) So due to that feedback and response...coming into 12 I was a little more 'contained' than Barb's lot perhaps could have had.

I'm always nervous about 're-editing' past chapters. But if I ever was to change anything, I would definitely offer Barb's den a good deal more nightmarish visions.

However, I'm glad the mines made up for that a little. And this is only the outer sections of The Master's slave den. Murky never even went inside yet...

"These are old world ponies. They are perfectly aware that Tartarus was a real, physical place you could visit. Or not visit, since it was a den of monsters. Why would they liken Fillydelphia with an entirely different place? It’d be like... saying something that was unjust and terrible was North Korea itself or something. I dunno. Maybe turn this metaphor into a simile, eh?"

I'll fully admit you make an very well spotted and crucial point here. I've added it to my edits. It genuinelly slipped my mind and I do not attempt to hide that. Thank you.

"You wouldn’t believe how loud a “Ha!” I let out when I misinterpreted what you meant by Murky’s “friend” here."

I can only facepalm, smile and shake my head. Oh you. :p

"I dunno if Diamond’s (Diamond in the rough?) a raider. I mean, he could be, but I’m more willing to bet the raiders either used him to find Glim. He runs to the village to try and save her when the raiders are closing in and they follow him, or torture him and use the allure of meeting him to draw Glim out. I don’t think raiders, by themselves, would be this patient or generous.
I mean, MAYBE he gets turned into a raider, but I dunno."

I am very specifically not commenting on the theories (my policy is, as always, to not comment if they are right OR wrong) but I just want to say I'm glad to see you thinking over this. I've been moderately surprised at the lack of people really wondering about it. I theorised that the end of the chapter sort of overshadowed this scene a bit. But then it was just a slow introduction to this subplot about Glimmer and Coral.

"Fuzzy, come on. Come on.
Come on.
Really? Really really? Really really really??
REALLY?!
Really.
Really really.
You just... really. Really really really really really.
Really.
Sigh... XP"

...did I just make an accidental reference to something from MLP or something else? WHatever it is I swear I don't see it! XD

Really glad you liked that ending. I admit I sort of find it refreshing in your reaction. I love seeing how peoples perceptions can differ. Some take it as a very sad and depressing scene, others with a stint of clenching hope to shout "PLEASE YOU CAN GET OVER THIS" and here I think we see a little...cathartic enjoyment? That's really interesting and totally applicable.

I won't lie, your last words leave me feeling a little pressurised for Chapter 15, which will obviously have to balance the ramifications of this finale with still producing an ongoing narrative. But hey! We'll see what happens.

Edit - Almost forgot! That song is epic! Love love love it! I ADORE villain songs! If I had them in this story, you better have bet that The Master would get one in Chapter 15. ;)

[OneMoreDaySK]

Nah, make it worse. Someone bring in some poison joke and just turn Murky into Fluttershy.

[Fuzzy]

Murky likes Fluttershy. He wears MoP saddlebags at times. He can sound like Fluttershy, he acts like fluttershy, he's been mistaken for fluttershy, then he does a "How dare you!" speech.

You're killing me here, Fuzzy.

Edit:
This is not a request; I mean it. Seriously.
When all is said and done, and the fic is over, and Murky and his friends are free, and the world is green and good and he's found love and everything is perfect, you have to do this.
You have it.
A So Many Wonders rewrite.
You're going to do it. You are, and it will kill everyone with cuteness. Everyone, everywhere, at the same time.
Now go and put that in your notes, and don't you DARE forget! XD

I'll have to keep your wish in mind. Somehow, I fear for my life if I don't now. :p

Edit2:
I really want you to answer one thing for me... How does Shackles add an extra shift to a worker's load when they are working triple shifts already? I'm still confused by that.

Shifts aren't all the same eight hour length in Fillydelphia. Some tasks, due to ambient danger, can only be performed for a couple hours or four hours. Although worker survival isn't really considered a primary concern, some jobs would literally kill in gaseous or hazardous environments for any longer. It's those ones he's adding maybe an extra turn onto.

In theory I guess I could have explained that within the chapter, I just sometimes worry it'd fall into detaildetaildetail.

Picture it. You have him splayed out in the tent, belly up, between two mares that are nuzzling him and kissing each other. The kid is just astounding to keep it together... or they were very nice to of pretended not to notice :P

Knowing some followers of my story and what they've drawn already with Murky and Protégé, I don't think I'd need to 'picture' it very long if they found out. xD

I don't quite understand why people would think they're being picky or
whatever. I'm guessing these are your friends, and they just want to
support you? There's a piece of advice I once got somewhere about how it
should always be uncomfortable to give a friend critique and, if you
should find pleasure in it, you should not give it. I don't feel
strongly either way, though, so there you go.
I'm also not
particularly pursuing your approval or anything else like that and
acknowledge myself as just one of many reviewers of your work, so...
yeah. If they're not speaking up for some reason I haven't yet said,
it's safe to say I don't get them.

I absolutely agree on the point of friends being odd ones to work with for it. When I started, the prereades were mostly people I knew I could trust to it, but weren't all 'friends.' Over time and the communication this story has brought me with them...they've become some of my best friends. But it's not really them, as I know they're very much able to call me out on bad things. (You should SEE the feedback I got from one of them about the original draft of Chapter 8...)

I was referring more to someone who messaged me over tumblr, very honestly stating that he felt afraid to really point out any problems he had with it because he felt that I'd perhaps look on it with a degree of "Oh, you're critiquing my story like that, huh?" or that I'd find 'little' things being pointed out simply annoying. When the truth is that I absolutely encourage that sort of stuff. I guess what I meant is I just enjoy how perceptive you are to see a lot that many people don't and just say it openly and politely without beating around the bush. That's all.

I have a tendency to overwrite what I say in these sorts of things. xD

As a note, I've apparently been selected for an interview with the podcast "Wasteland Weekly" very soon. They were looking for some questions for it (after coming up short), so if anyone has any suggestions, I can gladly take them over to help make it a good time.

[Doctor Whooves]

You "absolutely encourage" that sort of thing, eh? Well then... your chapters are too long, your content too awesome, your update speed gives me an inferiority complex, your characters are too well fleshed-out, there aren't enough sexy MN7 pictures on the Internet, you're much too pleasant, and 470,000+ words isn't enough, damnit!

Oh, and Hello. I've finally decided to give in and get a Cloudsville account, just so I can bug you more often. Write, slave, write!

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