Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

[Moodyman90]

Goddess damn you Fuzzy! Such rage I had to suppress. Oh such rage. My hands should be nothing but limb and bloody things from punching walls if I didn't have self control.

And good lord man if this chapter could have done with something to help break it up. Something like ... picture of happy puppies or something like that and a "click this if needed".

Just... ugh... T_T I could be over reacting, maybe if I had read it yesterday or some other day I wouldn't feel this way... but I feel like I need therapy lessons from this chapter.

Spoiler:

Over all... DAMN GOOD Chapter! Well worth the emotional and mental pain and anguish it caused. I look forward to the next chapter, for better or for worse.

I'm gonna curl up and cry or something. Or hug something. I don't know, I just need something...

[RoboRed]

Oh god...oh god...

Fuzzy...you need to be careful with these chapters...I almost lost my wireless mouse and several other objects in my vicinity to crushing rage.

That was one hell of a trip, too. I was on edge the entire time, still wondering who was going to die or not during that damned "six-shooter surprise" game. To have that drag on for that long and still keep one on the edge of their seat takers some serious talent. Highest of fives to you, sir.

I kinda called that it was going to be Murky to end Barb, though. And that it was going to be done in a horribly ironic fashion. Still, grenades. Didn't see that coming.

Now then, after that beast of a chapter is finished, I'm going to go work off my rage/frustration/jitters/other mixed emotions in TF2 or something. Cheerio.

[Fuzzy]

Cripes! It's been a while since I commented here. Mostly due to the sickness I'm sure most people know laid me low for a couple weeks, but it would be rude of me to not respond to the great feedback here.

First off, thank you all for reading, I know it was an absurdly long chapter, even by my rambling standards...so thank you for pushing though it!

O.Hinds - You better believe that line was fun to write. I was initially worried about having Protégé swear at all...but I figure he's the kind of character that saves the words right for when they work best.

Tyler - I do hope that anger was from the bits I wanted it to be at! The mention of Shackles hints it perhaps is though. Sometimes it is fun to just have a completely unrepentant monster. Fillydelphia is grey morality enough that I just wanted a villain people could anchor right into all loving to hate.

Moody - Hah, sorry for putting you through all that. I'm just of the belief that a story shouldn't ever withhold what it wants to do. Within reason, I simply feel that if you want to try and stir emotion in a reader, for good, hopeful, sad or anger...you can't half heartedly do it. So I really tried to push it here and see how far it could go without overblowing it, glad to hear that it really got you into it and going with it. May sound sadistic...but I like people to see reading as an experience that leaves you feeling different. To hear that actually did something for you is very satisfying! :)

Robo - I pity those poor Machines in TF2 once you get ahold of them from what you say! I thank you for your very kind words, it was a tough scene to write. Glad the grenades could offer something unexpected!

[OneMoreDaySK]

"Curse his sudden but inevitable betrayal"
Yeah, Shackles was in a win-win situation.

Murky, y'need to reverse a balefire bomb on 'im and then run like mad.
Medic was doomed to die for not having an interesting enough background. XD

[Fuzzy]

Caduceus was such a weird line to toe. Too much deliberate selling background and people would feel he was killed off in a stupid way...but not enough and it becomes "marked for death." In hindsight, it may have edged too close to the latter.

Well, writing is always about learning for the future. I now know better where that line is, but I'd like to think his death still held a good amount of meaning, even if some readers spotted it coming in advance.

swicked - Thanks a lot, I know you're someone who won't hesitate to call me out on something that isn't that great, so I'm glad to hear you really liked it that much. Means a lot, man. May I ask which exact sequence you refer to as your second favourite? I imagine the Six Shooter Surprise, but you did say "action" so I dunno if you mean the battle against Barb. Just to clarify, is all. xD

Thank you very much, everyone, for the input and responses!

[Fuzzy]

...huh. That's odd. I remember those mistakes, I corrected them before release.

One second, I have to check this. I may have uploaded the wrong draft for release.

[Kippershy]

@swicked
<3

Wait, is there an equivalent for Liberty Prime yet? Bwhahaha.

Spike in the attack on neighvarro was the reference to Liberty Prime.
(note four things: size, endurance, strength and calculating the force of the force-fields)

[OneMoreDaySK]

@Kippershy
Bah, I just want a giant mech to fall for Murky. Kinda like Dolores. That'd be hilarious. I guess Mr. Peace is close enough. But to see two giant robots fighting it out for Murky...
Hm. Spike's never met Murky yet, right? Probably'd just freak out.
Any other giant metal characters I'vnt mentioned?

[Admiral Stoic Rum]

You bastards* are at fault for getting me started on Murkey Number seven I just thought I would say that and if the Author writes on this forum, then I would like to thank them sooo very much for it.... its got me hooked.

ya duhn gud

ahm on chaptuh ten right now, slogging forward

*note: used as a term of endearment and not a mentioning of the circumstances surrounding your birth or conception.

[Fuzzy]

Thanks very much, Admiral! Glad you enjoyed it, sah!

[Kippershy]

Haven't and wont (sorry) read Murky. (well, past C1)

What's this about giant robots and Murky? Just so I can understand the humour of it.

[Moodyman90]

Well Kip, the running joke so far is that for some reason robots seem to like Murky. Either by programing, "Tickets please" or mistaken identity "MISS FLUTTERSHY!"

But you know how we can get. It's happened more then once and we exaggerated what really happen so that we think robots really do love him.

[Kippershy]

Ahh, okay.Get what ya mean now.

[Fuzzy]

Haven't and wont (sorry) read Murky. (well, past C1)

That's cool! No need to apologise. I don't expect everyone to. ^^

[Kippershy]

Haven't and wont (sorry) read Murky. (well, past C1)

That's cool! No need to apologise. I don't expect everyone to. ^^

Glad ya understand.
I know if I gave it another try, I might be able to get into it -- but the trouble with me is, my focus is often very expensive and hard come by.
You have long chapters which is generally good but that makes it hard for me if my focus is out of the window.


The REAL curse stopping me - is I fell asleep last time.
Not because of your story, don't get me wrong. I tried reading it when I shouldn't have, when I was utterly exhausted.
Now... here's the kicker.
I enjoyed Heroes... until I fell asleep half way through chapter 10 due to the same situation.
The only story that has survived me falling asleep half way through and being able to go back to it is Project Horizons, because after I've fallen asleep in a fic, something just stops me.


So yeah, unless my week off (starting today) changes that, wont be able to get any further in it.


the other thing is, fuck you.
fuck you for being such a fast author.
...fuck you.


you make me feel a bad author. Just like the rest of them [then being you other authors].

[Fuzzy]

Thanks for the lengthy review, swicked. Those LMR faces make it abjectly hilarious. xD

(On SECURITY) Really? *rolls eyes* :P

I felt like a hypocrit writing that, I tend to avoid references in general unless that are very subtle. But that one just couldn't stop screaming at me. I think I was still in a silly mood after writing "Find a Gun."

On why Brim pushed Caddy and Murk out first. He didn't want to leave them at the rear of the formation completely, also so he could manually make sure they kept moving at a proper speed, knowing neither were particularly fighters.

“An armour piercing round had punched right through the barricade and
sheared the leg off one of the buck earth pony slavers with us.”
Buck
earth pony slaver. And I kinda wish you were referring to them
primarily by what weapon they were carrying. Like “the minigun-toting
unicorn”, “the buck with the flamethrower” or “the slaver with the
shotgun battle saddle”. The pony’s species, gender and allegiance all
pale in importance to what firepower the group has left.

An excellent point, one I shall heed for future confrontations. Action I pretty much regard my weakest point when it comes to direct fighting, so stuff like this helps so much.

I really love your reactions with Glimmer/Brimstone to Coral. It's absolutely as it should be that some readers should have that sense of whether redemption is not possible or what is worth actually trying for. From Chapter 4 till 10, it's all been about this apparent one way street to becoming good again. Chapter 11, with the introduction of Coral, is pretty much the period of the story to remind the viewer, through a victim, exactly how big (or possibly impossible) an order that is...or whether Brim even truly wants it.

In short, I'm really glad that there are people seeing both sides to this character trait. If GLimmer were always perfectly saying and believing the most logical and right thing...there'd be something terribly wrong with my character writing, as far as I see it.

My gosh, is he ever gorgeous. Gore-geous? Heh...

I can see why you like LMR. :p

On raider injuries - This was a tough one for me. A very tough one. Coming into this chapter I wanted to portray raiders as something to be afraid of, but not to rely on simple gore shock value (not saying that's simply what you were suggesting, bear with me) so much as the horrid way they'll spin your life around and twist it away completely. I'd been seeing increasing criticism of "grimdark gore" in FOE stories so I don't know if they perhaps influenced me to take a more attempted psychological approach. That and, being new to stories as long as this, part of my worry was that if I broke anything too hard, it could set off a status quo that drastically lowers future worries. "Oh they got shot? Oh they've had their muzzle broken round before, that's nothing." Stuff like that.

Given we know healing potions can restore teeth...I guess that was one I could work with in any potential revision. (I generally try to keep them lower on the scale) But a lot of them keeping that lot 'relatively' unharmed was as use for their games without them being too broken to actually 'compete.'

At least, that's what I was thinking at the time. Hindsight is always a wonderful mistress, as they say. There isn't a chapter goes by I don't think of something I could have done. If I ever don't feel that sense...I'd probably get worried. o.o

But, as they say. Writing is constant learning. So we'll see how things go! Always plenty of oppurtunity to up the ante of real tension, drama and worry in a story like this.

-

HAHA! Oh gods, the evil LMR face on "BLAM" made me laugh more than I probably should. xD

-

Absolutely amazing chapter, Fuzzy! Thanks for all the smiles!

You're very welcome. Sorry if the raiders didn't quite hit the grim levels I figured you'd enjoy, but it was a real fun one to write that I hope made up for it in other ways. I wanted to give a response to each of your comments (Ye gods those LMR things were hilarious) but frankly I have to get cleaning. Flat inspection tomorrow morning and it's...*check*...3:35AM. o.o

Thanks so much for that massive review. Way beyond the call of duty, good sah!

[Moodyman90]

Well it could have been they were saving them for later. Glimmer was obviously being saved for sex and they'd probably mutilate her directly before, during or after the act.

And Brim probably never really went down. Maybe long enough to get chained like he did but he was fighting back the whole time we see him.

Got nothing on Cad other then wanting to use him for the game. Mutilate him too much he can't play?

Though I do have to agree they could probably have thrown Cad's body on top of Glimmer's cage, but only because you suggested it. I found what I read pretty horrible enough. I know it could have been far worse but that doesn't mean would have liked it to have been. It was pretty horrible enough for me. But that is just me.

[RoboRed]

Well it could have been they were saving them for later. Glimmer was obviously being saved for sex and they'd probably mutilate her directly before, during or after the act.

I was half-expecting that bit to have already happened...if not already happening...

[OneMoreDaySK]

Random plot twist: Glimmer doesn't have a true personality. Her true personality got ripped out along with her memories, and they (unknown) gave her the best set of traits and memories to be bait for raiders/slavers.

~Burning off stress from homework~

[Admiral Stoic Rum]

I bet that large hulking shape in the armory was a stabletech power armor set

also, i still curse you for this blessing of another story to follow

[Nhim]

Fuzzy:

Just a fan, popping in to say, well, my heart was in my throat the entire time reading Chapter 12. Very, very well done. You kept me on the edge of my seat. ^^; New chapters of MNS give me something to look forward to. So thanks for writing it. In terms of enjoyability, I regard it right up there with PH, which I know lots of folks here also read...

Umm, I'm not as good with words as others here, so I don't really know what else to say right now, heh. *retreats*

[Admiral Stoic Rum]

not bad we have a winner! welcome Nhim everypony!!@! huzzah!

[Fuzzy]

Fuzzy:

Just a fan, popping in to say, well, my heart was in my throat the entire time reading Chapter 12. Very, very well done. You kept me on the edge of my seat. ^^; New chapters of MNS give me something to look forward to. So thanks for writing it. In terms of enjoyability, I regard it right up there with PH, which I know lots of folks here also read...

Umm, I'm not as good with words as others here, so I don't really know what else to say right now, heh. *retreats*

Aw, thanks very much! It really does mean a lot to me that you decided to let me know what you thought of it. My biggest fear really is that I could be writing in the dark and few people would actually give any feedback on how they thought of it.

To see people here in Cloudsville, or on /mlp/, or tumblr or even email and DevARt all commenting just...it overwhelms me sometimes, even if I know it's hardly anything on what the bigger stories get. So thank you, Nhim, thank you ever so much. ^^

[OneMoreDaySK]

@Fuzzy
Well if you want the kind of commentary the rest of the Comment Crew's doing for Somber, I'd like to give it a shot for your story. Though it might take a bit of time due to school and all.

[Fuzzy]

I always accept any feedback, I like to pride myself that people can be as honest as they want and I always take it with a grin and a mindset to do better.

But really, I just want people to read, to enjoy if I can help it. If you want to try it, please, do go ahead. :)

[O. Hinds]

"serried"
Wow, it isn't all that often that I learn a new word.

"and there was a brief tussle at the Manehattan blockade force.  The alicorns...um...'took care' of it, was all he'd say."
Da dah da da daaa daaaa… :)

[Admiral Stoic Rum]

Fuzzy I'm absorbed and well you've made a story which really really sets itself apart from other foe stories I read. The main character is definitely not a bad ass... the setting would make even blackjack cry for the hoof. And some ponies are just plain sick without giving in tofre shock. Sorry but I can think of worse things than cupcakes could. Any who thanks for tour well scheduled work and finally I get to see unity or rather I got to learn her name.

[Icy Shake]

I always accept any feedback, I like to pride myself that people can be as honest as they want and I always take it with a grin and a mindset to do better.

But really, I just want people to read, to enjoy if I can help it. If you want to try it, please, do go ahead. :)

Well, let's see what I can get down. And please bear in mind that most of what I have to say by necessity can't, or at least shouldn't, impact the rest of MN7.

I've been following the story for a little bit; I think I first caught up around chapter ten or eleven. I have, to a degree, mixed feelings about the fic as a whole; I like it pretty well, but I always have difficulties deciding whether to stick with it.

This is primarily due to length and density. The first issue I have is that I just feel like 34k words is too long for an average chapter--for reference, under the definitions used by the Science Fiction and Fantasy Writers of America, that's not very much less than the length of a short novel. The latter is simply that I feel like the quantity of content per word is perhaps lower than I would prefer; it seems to me that, knowing the length to date is roughly equivalent to The Fellowship of the Ring and The Two Towers combined, or just barely shorter than the first four Harry Potter books, or about the length of the first 37 chapters of FOE, not enough has happened in terms of the weighted sum of plot/events, character development, worldbuilding, and what I guess you might call experiential description.

Part of this is, as you have said, action isn't your strong suit. Sadly, that puts you at a heavy disadvantage in writing a story in the Fallout Equestria universe, and likely contributes to the issues I had, as action has been vital to the pacing of the best FOE fics I have read. I will admit that you have made good compensating choices by having your primary protagonist and viewpoint character be focused on sneak and steal, cutting down on the action required for plot advancement, but not really helping with the pacing issue. Likewise, I'm probably underestimating the amount of plot-related content there is, on the basis of MN7 being a (if I may use the therm) smaller story than FOE or PH (or LOTR, for that matter); the stakes are more personal than global, and I guess there's a lot that happens in each chapter even when the net effect--the actual change in the characters' situations--is relatively small.

The characters are pretty good overall. I'll admit to getting frustrated with the conflicts in Murky's behavior, largely related to his recurrent compulsion to obey his masters. Likewise, his comparative innocence is something that's hard to let slide; I've only handled it by treating him almost as another stable dweller, with his emergence being psychological rather than physical and occurring in the first chapter. Brimstone is a strong point; I like his premise, and your best worldbuilding is probably that around his clan. Glimmerlight is another, but she could use more (relative) screen time for development. Shackles is interesting (from the get-go he reminded me of Baron Harkonnen) and works as a relatively flat character, serving more as a looming threat, a force of nature, than a really fleshed-out individual at this point--and that's fine, I imagine that's what you were going for. The doctors are/were good side characters with about the right amount of depth to them, I guess. Protege is where I really start to have issues. I just don't really get what his deal is. He's an Uncle Tom, sure, but I don't see why Murky doesn't see him as that and nothing more (another area where I basically need to act like he was born a week or two ago). When did he get his cutie mark? I figure it had to be before his enslavement, unless he got it very early in life; but Red Eye wasn't about child slavery, so why is it related to Red Eye? And I just have trouble swallowing how much he buys in to Red Eye's agenda, perhaps not so much at the macro-level, but certainly where Murky himself is concerned; he should have seen how high the attrition rate was for the slaves, and how the two year plan was a statistical death sentence, so why does he act like it's a realistic path to freedom?

Lastly, I have to say that the hostility to pegasi seems really weird; it never seemed to show up to anything like the degree we see in Phillydelphia in FOE, but I guess that's another thing I can attribute to the impressions of the POV character.

On the technical side of things, I think you're improving. I think you are doing a better job of using correct grammar, punctuation, and usage in recent chapters than earlier (I can't really say for chapter thirteen, as I was speed reading for the reasons above), and after maybe the first three chapters you stopped using British phrasing in places it didn't feel like it belonged, since both the show and FOE establish the accent as primarily American, apart from certain notable exceptions--pretty much Trottingham, though you might be able to make an argument for Canterlot's upper class and by extension Rarity (though I always thought that they sounded more like a stereotype of New England/Northeast high society prior to and perhaps including the middle of the twentieth century--you know, the accent you'd think of for legacy Ivy Leaguers of the era). Point is, the editing is probably getting better and less distracting over time (and the other members of the PH comment crew could probably give you an idea of how much of an issue that is for me--I take my oversensitivity to such things to be a personal failing), and is at this point likely pretty good for chapters of your size without the benefit of a bunch of end users finding and pointing out the errors post-publication. Also, I specifically remember noticing the reduced use of the word "rather" in chapter twelve, I believe falling from nearly fifty occurrences in eleven to under twenty in twelve; I think that was a move in the right direction, as the overuse of the word is something of a pet peeve of mine.

Anyway, I know this has been very long and probably more combative than it really needed to be, and of course all this has just been my impressions and opinions. You really do have a good story on your hands, and some pretty decent characters, all things considered. I find your pacing a little slow for my taste, I think that if you were to start over you would profit from splitting each chapter in two or three, and (now watch the pot call the kettle black) cutting down the total length would be a positive. Now, apart from the pacing, these don't really apply going forward, as the changes would cause a weird shift that would hurt the story overall. Keep up the good work, and I'll probably continue to follow depending on how much free time I have.

[Mech]

After the latest chapter, I just had to scribble out something.

[Fuzzy]

Icy Shake - I absolutely applaud your honesty and critical thinking.
That's the sort of stuff I love to see, because for all that some of it
may not be able to affect MN7...it's not like it's the only story I'll
ever write! So it's always a great learning point for any future tales I
tell.

The British phrasings really were down to character more
than anything. The vast majority of them were from slavers that I
percieved as having accents related to England or Wales, alongside
Brimstone's obviously heavy Scottish/Irish influences. It is one element
that I outwardly state that I will use when I use it...although
American is my primary audience, I feel that to ignore my natural use
and state of language would be to harm my own style and flow. Many
people have come to enjoy the phrasings, I found, while others just
found them confusing or distracting. But they certainly won't disappear.
:p

That said, I do respect and take on board the feelings you
had for them and for FOE as a 'world' surrounding it. If I've changed
anything, it's just to decrease the regularity of certain accents from
slavers.

Overall, I absolutely thank you for the write up.
Believe me, I've taken a good half dozen points into my "feedback
document" for future consideration. Despite what I say above about the
"British" stuff...I don't ignore any of it. Glad to hear you've still
been enjoying it too. We'll see how my writing adapts as time goes on.

After the latest chapter, I just had to scribble out something.

PFFFFTHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh man, Mech. You almost made me spill my morning tea! That is just priceless! Oh, thanks. xD

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