Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

[Katarn]

Well...it's at least better, than what I could do with paint :D

[Kippershy]

Hm, lets try that again. noticed a few more spots.

[Ketchup]

At least it looks like a pony, better than anything I could draw.
Maybe you should stick to writing, you are much better at that, in any case.

[Kippershy]

At least it looks like a pony, better than anything I could draw.
Maybe you should stick to writing, you are much better at that, in any case.

Yeah, I really only did it to say: Here, this is why I don't draw (apart from the occasional background scene... like

Spoiler:

Which the above picture needs fixing itself, too. Anyway - yeah. I tell people I'm a writer not a drawer, but got told to try drawing anyway.

Haha, that's cute! Nice work :)

Hah, thanks! =3 I'm glad it's at least cute, I kind've thought so myself.



edit: and when you click on it on my tumblr page, it takes another effect (like it showed on GIMP) and looks awesome in another way

[Kippershy]

I'm in need of one person who doesn't mind spoilers. I'm going to be putting this up on FIMfic too once it loads, but yeah.

One person is required to give a second opinion on a matter quite big. This spoiler is one of the biggest events of the story, and in essence, really needs someone who has read up to the current point to truly appreciate every aspect of the issue.

Thank you.

[Ketchup]

I wouldn't mind, where will it be? I'm not too great with feedback, though.

[Kippershy]

Where? as in, where to talk to you or where in story?

In story, it revolves around Coltchester, a specific part of Coltchester.

[Ketchup]

Where can I read it is what I meant. Sorry.

[Kippershy]

Absolutely wonderful reviews, thank you.
I'll respond on your points as soon as I'm back from work, explain some little things and note down anything I need to change in-story to make more sense.
Once again, thank you ever so much, you're amazing for this :)

[Kippershy]

Starting again with chapter ten.

Spoiler:

Be patient and tough; someday this pain will be useful to you.
Eh... one always hopes pain has a purpose. Most pain is pointless, though.
And experiencing pain due to having to experience it later is... eh.
(Oh, and chapter eleven now)

Spoiler:

===first chapter review===

This is the song the lyrics are from.
It's healed me and gotten me through a few bad times, all of the Frou Frou stuff has really.
Here's a live version of the singer doing it solo.
(The live version is just as beautiful, if not slightly more-so in a weird way. Both are absolutely astounding though.)



As for the feather part, I completely ignored the canon of that episode and allowed for it to work differently in my story, going for the more realistic approach of feathers being reasonably stuck in, but able to be pulled out with enough force. A pegasus' wings are indeed superior in toughness, but to me, they've still got some fleshy/weak parts after the bones and feathers, in small quantities, are generally weak enough to be picked out too.
Remember - it's also canon that baby unicorns have extremely powerful magic, thus allowing Cherished enough force to yank a feather out if I go by the headcanon of they can be pulled out.

Personally I viewed it [the episode] not as her feathers alone getting caught, but a part of her wing itself was caught under the rock too, thus explaining why she couldn't just pull the feathers out.

I know you say it's not a big issue, I just wanted to give you my thought process on the matter to explain.
And yes, a necklace for her. Crimson's father gave him his armour because when he stopped being a caravan guard and settled down with his mother at Four Ridges, he no longer had use for it. So it's a tradition for Crimson to hand down something personal.



DON'T YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT. I KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT YOU.
You just don't like to view yourself as embracing it is all.
-pokes tongue out-



Pockets because she's wearing utility barding - sorry for not detailing that. Saddlebags are more for a long journey or if you've got lots of tools and such to deal with, but for a small set of tools, pockets on a ulitity barding wil do.



I'll hand it to you, you make a very good point with the brahmin. I'll probably change it to 10% or something. As for how far ahead they can get from it, its just enough investment to allow them some slightly higher quality/quantity goods, allowing a chain reaction of profit.
So yeah, I'll reduce that down to 10% now you got me thinking about it.

As for why the godess lets them live? I never really put too much thought into that one, admittedly. I'll definitely open that up as a thread to be resolved, though. Had some ideas while at work today over the matter, even.



Heh, wasn't too much of a census as so much as noticing who reacted with what.
Though you did make me laugh with that, thanks.



Daemon and demon to me, are one in the same. Don't know if that's me being English and spelling paedophile the way I do over pedophile or if it is just that I'm wrong here. I'll go check now to be sure for you.
...Nope, turns out that I am okay with using the term daemon. A daemon can be good, neutral or evil, while a demon is more strict in being evil. Even still, they hold the same sort've meaning and daemon is just the ancient greek way of writing it.
So I was right, they are practically one in the same.



Oh, isn't he a leader? Does he not already lead his expedition from Four Ridges? He takes the reigns and leads them out, being guided by those who know the route but still making the big decisions.

Something of a spoiler, but not a full on spoiler:

Yeah, I know she didn't kiss him or anything, but affection from an alicorn is still quite strange, don't ya think?

As for the Project Horizons info -- I know you know it, and I know the majority of my readers would know it, but what about the ones who don't? Even then, I shouldn't make this story just assume you've read other stories entirely. Yes I make references that would require you to know the first story and yes there are some more basic parts that you would need to know the basic layout for, but really I want this story to stand on its own four hooves as well, meaning some information has to be retold in a slight variation to make it make sense on its own.

Not saying that you're in the wrong for pointing that bit out -- just wanted to say that I don't want to be like; "hey, go read Project Horizons to understand what the fuck I'm talking about here, mmkay?"



Yup, pretty words for Cherry. I've got some more pretty words for her planned out, but they're for later in the story. Their relationship moves fast and I admit I wish it could be a little slower, but for what I envision and the restains of writing a story like this, I decided to go for the quick get together and quick bonding variation, with Crimson taking a page directly from my book and being a hopeless romantic once he actually cares for somepony - though in the past he's been quite the mares buck, he's never really felt this way before.



I will admit a lot of this chapter was filler, but I wanted it to be something fillery for Crimson to just be able to calm down with, something that lets the reader have a pause from big world building or combat filled moments. Don't get me wrong, I do like building the world and I do like having combat, but I also want it to have some lulls for both the readers and for the characters so it's not non stop in your face.





===onto the next chapters review===

Ah yes, pain. Most pain is indeed pointless, but the pain I'm going for in that motto is not a punch to the face type pain, but the pain of living in an oppressive wasteland, under a tyrannical governing body who makes your life hell in every way they can for their own benefit, leaving you with no other option to endure because to leave means certain, grissly death and to incite a revolution takes more then one set of hooves.




Curves around her face talk quite literally of the things like her smile, her eyes, her cheeks, jaw, ears, mane - all that. He's talking about how beautiful she really is on a superficial level.

...That is EXACTLY what's happening in the scene with the radbit, LOL. Well, almost. The radbit doesn't trust him like he/it does her, though.




Nah, Maisy was just outside. Within easy earshot as she was literally by the window. Another thing I fail to describe properly, it seems.
As for her intelligence, she's intelligent enough to understand and follow basic commands, enough so that she can feel embarrassment too - but not as far as being able to have a full discussion in return. She just understands basic language and can respond in her own way, seeing as she's been brought up her entire life by a pony.

I wouldn't quite call her smart enough for advanced military tactics, for example, though she does understand that attacking from behind generally works better, if that makes sense?




Oh god. I seriously love this part of your review. Absolute gold.
Would you ever mind if I used something like this in my story later on, giving you another mention in the credits for it?




Heh, for Cherry, self defence goes as far as it needs to before they stop. If they're willing to lay down their weapons and cease hostilities, she'll more then likely make sure that they can't simply use them against her a moment later and accept it as doing the wasteland a favour by giving it another chance.
To then kill them is something she doesn't like thinking about doing unless its necessary for the mission and safety of others, so to call it justice rather then self defence is something necessary for her.

Thanks though, I'm trying to think of all that stuff now it's been brought up in a way that I can actually work with it, rather than being told that my characters are too good in fights and they're all mary sue.



As for the math part - I know I made Crimson give her more, it was intentional. She asked for twenty to cover the cost, so Crimson gives her twenty five as an extra nudge to say "Hey look, I really am friendly."



Ah, you could say it was the fault of the foalsitters for not giving her a name, but personally I meant it as it wasn't the place of the foalsitters to give her one unless they could take her away and treat her like their own, which they couldn't manage in the end (as we all know) and as such, she remained nameless until Crimson took her in as his own.



"Crimson: Oh, look! An old, grumpy lady! Let's smash her face in!"
#crimsonlogic
Am i right, or am I right? Though seriously, he could tell that something wasn't quite right with her. Was written all over her with the way she spoke, I'd say.



You are very right in this point - Crimson is the pampered son of the leader, he's gotten by on his charm and charisma, using his wings to help out where needed and making public appearances to please people. It's true that there isn't the level of poverty in Four Ridges as there is in Coltchester, but it's also true that he doesn't quite realise how idealistic he's being by telling her to go where he lives, forgetting it's not all some walk in the park and you do need to pay your way in and have some kind've skill to live there.
Though again, it is also true that it's nowhere near as exclusive as Tenpony, it just requires actually having some kind've usefulness if you plan to move in, ya know?



Perhaps, perhaps not on the matter of foreshadowing. I want to write some stuff that never really goes anywhere while also writing stuff that will go somewhere, when it doesn't look like it will. As for if this is genuine or red herring, that of course won't be told.



Again, my poor description. They're not entirely unarmoured. As for their weapons, they have throwing spears for a temporary weapon and as zebras, they're more competant at hoof to hoof then they are with most other weapons.
Though true, these are soldiers who haven't had a lot of combat experience and thus their technique is... lacking.


As mentioned just now and earlier - yes, the zebras aren't very capable with most weapon types, and even lacking in experience, there's just some things they naturally do well. Throwing spears are one of their strengths, and again, through the fleshy, weaker part of his wing where there are no bones nor even castilege, just a fine, lightweight filler.
Some ponies (Stonewing) have thick, tough wings that would laugh at the spear which was thrown at Crimson, but his are mofr for finesse then endurance.
(Endurance 4)

Project Horizons canon is indeed that they're crazy strong, but I personally take it as that the bones and structure of the wings are the strong part - the filler being much more...
Well, if the structure of their wing were likened to their rump or spine, the filler of their wings would, to me, be their throat. Still strong enough, but relatively weaker then the former part.



Yeah, they're not very experienced zebra fighters. I could've thrown top level zebs at them, but this early on it would've been throwing a supermutant master at a level 6 character. (yes, that's her actual level ATM.)



Yep, zebras went on a routine mission to fuck some little shitbag up and found out - wait, this little shitbag is a teeny tiny bit tougher then we'd been told. Not only that, he has a manticore for support and just as our own support comes along, so does some old world figure with a fucking explosive minigun.
Little shitbag 1 - zebras 0.






Thank you for your reviews, and thank you for the positive comments! This really does mean a hell of a lot to me, it helps me go on knowing that someone is actually reading what I write and enjoying what I do.
I write so much but get so few reviews, it really does make it hard sometimes.
Glad I could hit the marks for you, hope you're enjoying yourself enough to continue out of actually wanting to rather then simply wanting to do it to make me happy.

[Kippershy]

DON'T YOU LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT. I KNOW THE TRUTH ABOUT YOU.
You just don't like to view yourself as embracing it is all.
-pokes tongue out-

I had never known what having a child was like, but within these few moments, I understood why everypony who was anything decent of a parent had said it was something truly special.

If your response to the former meant my response to the later, then... it's more how you said it. Shouldn't it be, like... "I had never known what having a child was like, but within these few moments, I understood how it was something truly special."?

You intentionally, or Crimson intentionally, brings up the topic of sucky parents and uses the experience of holding a child to feel superior to those who don't feel the way he does. It's just... odd. It feels out of place to me. Like looking at a painting and remarking that only idiots wouldn't find it amazing. Or something.
You take a fantastic positive and seed it with a bitter negative.
Maybe this is your own opinion seeping into Crimson's. Maybe it's Crimson's, having met many bad parents. I dunno. It set me back a bit, is all.

After all, even if a parent didn't find a baby such a special thing in and of itself, does that really mean they would be terrible parents? That they couldn't still love the child or something?
I just... didn't get it.


Oh, and with that old, grumpy slave owner mare. You state she has gray hair, I believe. I was imagining a cranky granny smith. I kinda wanted her to crumple under the hit and be yelling at Crimson as he ran away "Rapscallion! Come back here and help me up so I can beat the crap out of you!"

Oooh, okay. I got ya now.
Nah, that's me accidentally throwing myself in there too much.
Obviously it's hard to write without a trace of who you are/how you feel on certain topics unless you're actively going against something you stand for to be in character of someone, so yeah.

It completely comes from my own fucked up childhood, and is completely unintentionally added. Still, it's in there now so I'll think of a way to work it out while still trying to voice how special it is to him.

Though like I say, my fucked up childhood seeping in a little by accident there, sorry x_______x


hahahaha. Oh, what an image that'd be.

[Kippershy]

Chapter 13 is up.
10,779 words for the chapter which brings it to 135,678 words total and just before the 6 month old date of the 24th, too!

That's right, in three days, Broken Bonds will be 6 months old!

By the current rate, it should mean I achieve somewhere around 260-270k words by one year... which compared to Horizons having somewhere around 950k for its first birthday, is shockingly poor.

But I'm happy with what I've got so far, I'm only young and this is my first ever proper attempt at writing a story - I'm surprised it's gotten as far as it has and I'm even more surprised it's got the followers and views it does, so it's not too bad, all things considered.

[IncoherentOrange]

Good for you, man. I started writing around 5.4 months ago, and I'm at 97913 words published as of now, but I've been in a block for the past month or so. What now bugs me is that my first story, with its super-short chapters, (23 chapters @30303 words) moderate grammar, no characterization, and mediocre plot, has nearly as many views and a higher like ratio than your story--which I can tell is superior--despite being newer.

You deserve more credit.

[Kippershy]

Eugh, fuck month long blocks. I had that happen to me, too.
My best friend, someone I was insanely close with and loved dearly... well, she fucked me hard, damn hard.
At first she was the person always pushing me to write more, always with words of encouragement and telling me how good I was doing.

After the incident we had, I didn't have it in me to write for a month, shit was hard.
It also caused another two or three week gap some time after too, but that got kicked out of my system too.

I've had a few blocks like that, but I always find someone who helps me out just enough. So much love for the people that do.



I haven't read any of your work so I have no clue at all how honest you're being with your quality of work, personally I don't think my stuff is all that great - I like it, I love my story and I'm in love with my characters, but the over-all quality of the writing itself to me, isn't all that.

[Ketchup]

I'll get to reading chapter 13 tomorrow, most likely. I re-read the first 3 chapters of FOE today, so I'm kinda burnt out.

I hope things work out for motivation, I've never written anything long enough that it required more than, at most, a few hours of thinking.

[Kippershy]

Protip: it took me about a day or perhaps two [literally] to plan Broken Bonds.


I started on Friday the 13th of Jan 2012 (day of my operation) by jotting down notes for things like Crimsons name and the name of Four Ridges, who his first companion was going to be

(It was going to be a slave that Crimson bought from Usury for 500 caps, down from 1,250 because she had active camo magic and kept trying to break out... He was going to fall in love with her and she would at first decline his love, then eventually come round to it.)

As for the story length, hah, well, let's put it this way.... my original plan was fucking short. I think I had the plan ready to wrap up by chapter 10 or 11.
Then it got longer and I was going to get something at chapter eight, but then chapter four came and ruined that (which I'm glad of).


Then it got longer, the story got more complex, my characters evolved and a lot of things changed. All for the better.
Even now I doubt the story is really long enough, but I'm trying to figure out what would be interesting enough to make it last longer while not just being filler.

[Ketchup]

Pink Eyes was only 20 chapters in all. And it was good, IMO, so length isn't as much a factor as quality. Kkat and Somber have made good and long stories. PH isn't Somber's first story, and I doubt FO:E is Kkat's first, either. I don't know and won't bother checking for Mimezenga.

For a first story, I'd say you're doing great.

Neat to see how the plotline evolved from that to what it is, being centered on love(From what you've said)rather than a critical mission.

[IncoherentOrange]

When I began writing, I sat down at my computer on a Saturday morning after reading a fanfic the night before, Hands, I believe it was, and just said, 'ya know what, why don't you give it a try?' And after finishing that over a period of one month, I began to write the sequel. For reasons mostly for the hell of it, it contains two crossover segments (Pokémon and Fallout, the latter is depicted in its cover art) and was fun as hell to write. However, I asked for feedback once on it, and guess what happened when I was told it wasn't very good, already at 25000 words? I broke. I gave a hasty, terrible ending and called it quits. A week or two later, I began to re-write it. The re-boot is far better, twenty thousand words longer, and ended on a cliffhanger, open to expansion at any point, yet still concluded for now.

What I learned from these experiences is that if you ever feel compromised as a writer, do not fall to despair; take the advice in stride, and keep going onward.

Though, taking the time to fix it all up after you're done is a good thing, too.

[Ketchup]

A little review.

Spoiler:

Good job on this one, the action was diverse and the situations tense. Sort of like Dayz.

[Kippershy]

A little review.

Spoiler:

Good job on this one, the action was diverse and the situations tense. Sort of like Dayz.

Spoiler:

I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I'm glad I hit my mark. I wanted this chapter to be tense and uncertain, partly hence the title for it (Disharmony).
The other, main reason for the title was because I wanted to convey that it's not just one group effort to rebel, lots of different people have lots of different ideas on how to go about it and they don't work together - disharmony.


Glad to hear the chapter was diverse, tense and reminded you of Day Z. We both know that's a good thing.

[Ketchup]

Spoiler:

[Kippershy]

Spoiler:

Oh, my bad. He's actually riding on Cherry's back (they pick him up before the timeskip).
I'll go back and clarify that if it's not so, though I think I do mention how she puts him back on her shoulders. (or meant to, at the very least.)

Thought so @ affectionate and assumed you meant the guy with the loyal bit, but yeah, they have no loyalty to the coalition, they were purely doing it for survival.


Good to see that you meant that the factions could get dangerous to one another.



edit: It is in there, you silly pon-e

(Just after Cherry spares the commander, before talking of honour.)

Swiftly making our way through the haze, we found the other size and I
spotted Storm cowering by the red roofed market stand like I'd told him
to. Handing it to the colt, he followed orders pretty well when it meant
he'd carry on living.
Rushing over to him, I picked him up and put him onto my back before galloping as fast as I could without outrunning Titan.

[Ketchup]

Yeah, I added the Honeydew part to clarify, I meant her husband, whatshisname.
Must've skipped the paragraph. I just remember her sparing the commander and them walking past the checkpoint, then talking about honor after she showed the knife.

[Kippershy]

Some things I noticed while searching TVtropes. Obviously not every trope I've ever used, but ones that I came across / stuck out to me.


WARNING, THIS SPOILER IS NO JOKE. THIS IS -ACTUAL- SPOILER STUFF -
Though I don't explicitly state what's going to happen to who, when or how, some of these listed here can count as massive spoilers in a way, I suppose.
Read at your own risk.

Spoiler:

There is more I could've listed, but I really don't want to ruin this any further then this already has.
I could easily just link you to the overall plotline document though... but that'd really be at your own risk.

[Kippershy]

After a whole day, it's not as flashy as I'd like it to be - I can't enter the inventory like I'd plan to allow myself to do, but hey, it works.
Crimson wings (and Cherry Sundae) are followers.

[Kippershy]

So it turns out it IS as flashy... well fuck, no, even FLASHIER then I'd planned.
I can choose to put pipboys onto them, make them wear collars, make them do a load of advanced stuff... you just gotta do it through speech, is all.

Now my next step is to try figure out how to voice them.

[Kippershy]

The FO:NV mod I've been working on is now somewhat worthy of being used.
The troubles that were arising should've been ironed out now.

The fallout nexus page can be found here and here's just two of the 10 pictures currently uploaded:

Spoiler:

[Kippershy]

Titan has just had his photoshoot uploaded.

Spoiler:

There's also this bonus pic I took for the lulz when I found the poses while searching through.
There's 140 poses to go through, I've searched about 100 of them.
...there's no index to this, either.

Anyway, picture: (warning: adult theme)

Spoiler:

[Kippershy]

This is me.. enjoying my photo editing...

Spoiler:

Fixed the images by uploading to photobucket instead.

[Admiral Stoic Rum]

Oh hoho hoho

That adult theme picture!

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