Re: Fallout Equestria: Broken Bonds.

[Ketchup]

Spoiler:

[Regolit]

Alicorns makes any story a 34% cooler. YAY, more EOS.

[Kippershy]

Spoiler:

Hahaha, thank you ever so much.
First of all - the grammar and typo stuff is always appreciated as since I do it alone, it's quite a task to notice every tiny bit as I go along.
The most help I ever reach out for is only very occasionally with my steamchat friends from 4chan /b/ about a particular words usage or one line of text - and that's usually no more then once per chapter, twice at the absolute top.


Now, things just to explain standard procedure for TMG since I'm not sure how to do it in story -- an operator is literally just the communications guy who sits at base and keeps tabs on any radio traffic / new orders and organises the team from there.
I'll do my best to explain it in story at some point, but yeah, an operator is just the guy who receives orders from home and dishes them out at a FOB.
Which, if you remember - TMG moved into the tower to protect the Commons and that's why he's there, part of the standard package.


Double Stitch is indeed a seamstress and she also does basic craft like necklaces and such, as seen. For the record, I added her nervousness and affections for Crimson as yet another reminder that when he goes home, he's far from a nobody. Mares and bucks alike admire his natural charm but also his seat of power.


Battlesaddles, stampeding charges and avoiding fights are how the battle cattle get by. They don't go looking for a fight but they can protect themselves if it's dire.


As for stalker alicorn, she does indeed like being platonic. The goddess is dead and all the alicorns have begun to think for themselves again. Nothing more I can say just yet.



Thank you. it means a lot to me, it really, really does.
and thank you for giving a good review of your thoughts, that also means a lot.

[Ketchup]

It was fun really, I might do it again. My friend practically lives at my house on and off during weekends(and actually, all week now), and he hates FOE, so I can't do it then. Tis one of the main reasons I usually don't do them, this time, peace and quiet.

[Kippershy]

Startin' eight, ain't it great?

Spoiler:

Thank you. I was planning on doing a minor rewrite on eight as it was, and had started rewriting the ghoul scene before I lost 70% of what I'd done.
As for the rest of the scene, I'll definitely look over it and revise parts to be better when I can and have the proper frame of mind for revising work.

Just as a trivial piece of information which I should've added in the story; Prince Snugglebums is a baby - hence he doesn't quite understand the same as an adult radbit.
As for why they're considered dangerous to ponies, they're not alone and nor are they a direct threat unless they swarm and crush you (literally) with their numbers - but they often eat fortifications which is just as bad.

Lastly, I'll have to make it clearer just how far he is. He had to use Cherry's scope to get a proper look at the ghouls and that's even with pegasus eyesight (an idea I'm stealing straight from Somber because that sounds awesome to say that pegasus have slightly keener eyesight then others, due to their ability of flight and therefore need of it).

[Kippershy]

happy9

Spoiler:

Well I'm glad this one was more enjoyable for you! Thank you for the compliment on the dream, I really wanted something to crack open the way he'd feel inside and the horror of it all.

The guy is good at bartering because he's got charm. He doesn't rely on deception to barter but instead uses manipulation.
Though it's true that he's often been pretty easy to read as of late.

She? He sweet talked her into letting him get more sleep, you mean? Or do you mean she sweet talked with him in his sleep?
Either way, absolutely adorable song conversion there xD

There's another instance of that - but it's not come to fruition yet.
As for the mayor and the wall - she still had guards, but they were all told to stand down on under Crimsons orders until she'd at least delivered the package.
It was only then she decided to go aggro on it.
...Which is another thing I'll have to edit into the story. This is the trouble with being stubborn and not using pre-readers, everything makes enough sense in my head to continue but may not in others.


Crimson wouldn't be Crimson without #Crimsonlogic
Would he now? Haha.

Anyway, glad you liked the fights and glad you liked the chapter as a whole. Thank you for your reviews, they always give me good information and actually let me know what needs to be improved.
I've got about three people who regularly read as soon as it's released and spot any grammar mistakes or spelling typos - but unless something is really bad none of them comment on that stuff - and they haven't as of yet on anything.
So it's nice to see where my story lacks tidbits of information required to make that little bit more sense.

[Kippershy]

Thank you. I was planning on doing a minor rewrite on eight as it was, and had started rewriting the ghoul scene before I lost 70% of what I'd done.
As for the rest of the scene, I'll definitely look over it and revise parts to be better when I can and have the proper frame of mind for revising work.

Just as a trivial piece of information which I should've added in the story; Prince Snugglebums is a baby - hence he doesn't quite understand the same as an adult radbit.
As for why they're considered dangerous to ponies, they're not alone and nor are they a direct threat unless they swarm and crush you (literally) with their numbers - but they often eat fortifications which is just as bad.

Lastly, I'll have to make it clearer just how far he is. He had to use Cherry's scope to get a proper look at the ghouls and that's even with pegasus eyesight (an idea I'm stealing straight from Somber because that sounds awesome to say that pegasus have slightly keener eyesight then others, due to their ability of flight and therefore need of it).

Thank you for taking it so well, as well as clarifying a bit. I really didn't want to discourage you with the critisism but I also though it'd be a disservice to overly censor what I honestly was thinking while I was reading. I look forward to reading your revised chapter when you're finished with it :)

Thank you for giving it to me.
Criticism I can handle, it helps me know where I've gone wrong or what needs that little bit extra to be better.
I have in the past been upset by one person consistently saying it needs to get darker despite my saying that I do plan for the story to get darker soon - and that Crimson & Cherry overpowered Mary Sue characters.

That's the difference in what I can handle well and what I can't.
You've said nothing that can't be used in some way to improve my current and future writing, so I have absolutely no problem with it.
It was hardly like it was some personal attack.

[Kippershy]

Thank you for giving it to me.
Criticism I can handle, it helps me know where I've gone wrong or what needs that little bit extra to be better.
I have in the past been upset by one person consistently saying it needs to get darker despite my saying that I do plan for the story to get darker soon - and that Crimson & Cherry overpowered Mary Sue characters.

That's the difference in what I can handle well and what I can't.
You've said nothing that can't be used in some way to improve my current and future writing, so I have absolutely no problem with it.
It was hardly like it was some personal attack.

Eh, different people handle criticism differently. You're a pretty strong guy but I honestly hadn't a clue how well you handle criticism of something you've invested so much of yourself in, so I was a bit worried you might take what I was saying in the wrong way. It's happened to me before. I also don't really like giving criticism unless I know how the work could be improved to better my personal experience of it.
I will continue to be open about anything I can think of that would help improve the story for me, then. And thanks again for being open to it.

Again, thank you for giving it to me. and yeah - as long as you don't simply go:

"It's not dark enough." "Crimson is Mary Sue." "Now Cherry is Mary Sue too!" "Maisy was always Mary Sue." "This doesn't fit my tastes, change it."

Then I'm incredibly open to criticism.
There will no doubt be a point where I can't please everyone, but for simple things like this? Definitely do my best to make the needed changes.
I'll probably do them changes after the release of 11.

[Kippershy]

brilliant point. Weird thing is i actually do have two such instances of actions having proper reoccurring effects in c11.
The fights issue is something i'd half planned to address but with your advice i'll go further with the damage and all that.

Crimson has been lucky to always be on neutral turf with good defensive nature... But nowthe tides are turning.
Thank you for giving me this advice as i'd wondered if my fights needed any changing or needed to be different in future.

So - throw theenemies a chance in fights, make more repercussions in actions on the short term... Anything else? (mc's getting hurt inc in fights)

[Kippershy]

Just had the first fight scene of chapter 11, got the teaser for chapter 11 published which contains a part of the fight, but here's an extra special teaser with added length.

Also - hopefully it conveys a sense of damage for the moment, and it will show damage done again soon.
Just trying my best to improve the fight scenes here.

fight scene spoiler - to see the normal spoiler, view the story proper:

[Ketchup]

My opinion? Without knowing why they were completely unaware of being followed by sprinting ponies, I can't say much.

Cherry didn't do anything but get hit, she put up no resistance, then shrugged everything off.

Crimson's injury didn't produce any shock. Having a knife carve a few inches into you isn't a minor injury.

The attackers didn't seem to notice Maisy, wherever she was.

The scene might make sense in context, but I don't see much.

[Kippershy]

The sprinting is completely understandable in context.
Cherry does something before this sneak peek, but is caught unaware during it.
If it needs shock, I'll add that in now. Good catch.
Maisy isn't in sight unless you're looking for her - it's in context in the whole thing.

[Ketchup]

Alright, as long as it makes sense in context, it was an alright scene. Just the shock.

[Kippershy]

some revisions made:

[Ketchup]

some revisions made:

Looks better. As long as there is some variety between battle results, the story is more interesting.

[Kippershy]

This chapter is going to break the mould in terms of battle results.
Lets put it this way; this is the fight they come better off out of in.

[Kippershy]

'Chapter 11: Hardship' has just been released.


A big thank you goes out to Swicked for the advice on how to make fight scenes a lot better!

[Ketchup]

Review.

Spoiler:

[Kippershy]

Thank you. I've just gone and fixed all your listed errors, including adding a line to clarify that when I said the robots would have a better chance, it was meant that they'd last longer then squishy zebras.

Anyway, yeah. Thank you for picking up on all that, troubles of not using pre-readers and all that.
Glad I managed to hit the mark with what Coltchester is like, and this is just the beginning.
Very glad that the combat has improved for you.

Latin! Latin everywhere!



but yeah, thank you ever so much =3 means a lot for me to get a review like this.

sorry I ain't got more to say, lacking sleep massively and woke up earlier then planned -.-

[Kippershy]

Now I'm back home from work and awake, I'll answer some things that came up for you.

Again, thank you for the error spotting - much much much appreciated. I simply can't find some of those things myself because my brain refuses to notice them after having wrote it all.
Trouble is that i also go through it myself as I work, I'll write a section and then read over it as I format it, meaning it's hard for me to have the mindset required to go back over it with a fine comb.


The outskirts of Coltchester, or more specifically, Slumside, is indeed influenced by Freeside. (I just made the name up on the spot from freeside right now, not some secret spoiler there)
Slumside is where the poorest live. It's the most commonly used entrance and exit from Coltchester though other ways in and out do exist.
As for the red/brown/black - that's not power armour, its zebra legion suits.


You've got a keen eye, is all I shall say for another point you make.


Just realised what you mean by the unnecessary 'the' before my husband. was meant to write "the centurion who happens to be my husband"...
fixing that now.


For the record, because I don't make it very clear:
The first group of soldiers who were chasing B Cradle were miles' aka standard soldiers.
However, one of them went running off - screaming for the attention of the Praetorian Guard (which is an elite fighting force group).

As for their cry of how they will never go back; Latin is a fickle language and doesn't quite translate word for word. To say they will never go back is to mean that they will not retreat - hope that one helps.

Manticores are scary fuckers even when you're used to them. They're not exactly all that common over in Coltchester.


The bots do indeed pack a punch, and if you think back to chapter eight...

[Ketchup]

I mistook them for AJ's rangers because their colors can be considered red/brown. I realized you were referring to Legion armor later on.

I thought "we will never go back" could mean that they were A: going to be punished if they did, or B: simply saying they weren't going to retreat. I considered both, but I guess the fickleness is the cause then.

I'll use more parentheses in my next review, that might make the corrections easier to spot.

Entertaining chapter, I say.

[Kippershy]

Finally got 12 out. forgot to say sooner.

[Ketchup]

Looks like I found something fun to do tonight. Have some review.

Spoiler:

Overall, never disappointing. A very solid chapter, despite all the distraction I put you through(Sorry for that.) it came out very nicely. I look forward to more of this.

[Kippershy]

Looks like I found something fun to do tonight. Have some review.

Spoiler:

Overall, never disappointing. A very solid chapter, despite all the distraction I put you through(Sorry for that.) it came out very nicely. I look forward to more of this.

First of all, thanks for the typos and such. Much appreciated!
Right, not got the time or energy for a full response, but basic stuff to remind you:


"Superhoof" is a type of zebra robotics technology, similar to a ponytron (ponies actually reverse engineered the ponytron from the superhoof and added a laser to it) which uses devastating unarmed attacks with enchanted gemstones inside to give their hits a pseudo explosion on contact.
(Basically, just makes them hit harder).
They're not as agile as a real zebra, but they're still somewhat agile, a bit tougher being mechs, and in most cases, stronger.


Titan is indeed a ghoul, pre-war variant.

his full name is::

Crimson's wing was pierced in chapter 11 by a throwing spear, and then the wing itself bandaged up by Blessed Cradle.
They patched it up further and strapped it to his side to stop unintentional damage by trying to use it before it's healed / during his sleep while he has no control over it.

His front right leg is indeed fractured, but when he was fighting he didn't notice due to adrenaline and the rest of his body hurting bad enough for it to not stand out.





there is more to say, but too tired. will respond more tomorrow.
Again, thank you. it means a lot to me.

[Ketchup]

Numbered by text breaks:
0: You are most welcome. I probably didn't get them all, though.
1: I see. Kind of like the ballistic fist, but replacing the shotgun with an shockwave-producing device.
2: Okay then. Silver Shield.
3: Thanks for the clarification.
4: This was explained by the story. I make the review as I read, so this might be the cause of some confusion that can be seen but isn't there.
5: Good night, and I appreciate your writing and am glad to review it for you.

[Katarn]

Can't write good reviews, so will do, what I always do. Will try to find mistakes. Also, I was too lazy to do this in Gdoc.

Spoiler:

I think that's about it, what I've found. Sorry about review, I'm just not good at that thing.

[Kippershy]

2,460 words after 1 hour of writing... I don't call that bad progress.
Might actually get chapter thirteen out pretty damn soon at this rate. xD

[Kippershy]

Be honest with me, how did this come out? LOL

I'm so shit at art.

Spoiler:

[Kippershy]

Hm. the transparency effect has made it... 'quite interesting'.

Unintended effect. obviously doesn't look too good inside the wings, though not too bad outside of that and the hair.
Easy to fix though.

[Kippershy]

And the clean up.

Spoiler:

[Sponsored content]