Equestrian tyranny (fanfic)

[Permafrost]

Ok,before I begin I'd like to say a couple things...
1.I wrote as I thought so there will be spelling/grammer errors and I may need to add some things later on so it makes more sense.
2.I am not done writing yet or even close,so all suggestions are welcome.
3.This is my first fanfic and I don't write much so it might not be that great...

Well,let's begin...

The Prologue

Spoiler:

Chapter 1 is in XTVengeance's revised edition,please see his topic to read it. As for chapter 2,I am working on putting that up again, I thank you for your patience and cooperation.

[Moonlight]

Could use a little more detail, but all in all the concept it good. Don't use too much repetition and Discord's race is spelled draconequus. Lauren Faust says so. I look forward to your additions and improvements!

[Fluttershy]

The improvements certainly show and definitely makes the scenery more easy to imagine. Keep it up!

[Fluttershy]

Ooh! Intriguing! I can't wait to see where this goes.

Critique: Most of the sentences are very natural and flowing, but sometimes they seem to out of context of what they would say. "Gave them areas to control" is one of them. I recommend trying to find a better suited sentence that explains the plot a bit more and doesn't seem like a convenient plot point.

[Permafrost]

Yeah,I sometimes add more then I originally wrote,so I will probably have to go back and fix some things when its all typed up. Well,fix and edit some things...also,if anypony wants,I have some unnamed ponies that are focused on in the next chapter,anypony can pick out who they represent and if that character isn't planned for use I will gladly give these unnamed ponies names...I will even accept OC's if the creator allows it.

[Moonlight]

Well, I for one would be honored! I just finished reading chapter 1, it's looking great so far. Just make sure you proofread it and make sure it all flows and there are no sentences or phrases out of place. I'm looking forward to seeing how this progresses!

[Moonlight]

First off, a little too much of the word "with". Using a word too many times just sounds awkward, I advise against that. Secondly, don't use numerals, write out the numbers ("two" instead of "2") and thirdly, you used pegasus instead of pegasi at least once, but that's just a minor error, understandable. I look forward to revisions and to the continuation of this story! Keep writing!

[Moonlight]

Character development is good! Some parts are awkward to read, for example "she flew open the window" and keep chacking back for grammar and spelling. Also with Gilda, instead of claw-like hands, I think talons would smoothen out how it's read. Keep it up!

[Fluttershy]

Perhaps you could add the chapter into your first post? You can edit your messages.

[Fluttershy]

Okay. I'll read it all once it's on one post. Otherwise it will get very confusing for me.

[WalrusM3]

It wasn't my kind of FanFiction, but I decided to stop being fussy for a day and give it a chance it probably deserved, being that I have never read a My little pony: Friendship is Magic and really should get started.

Alright, start off with, I'm back and forth on your dialogue, your good at mimicking the character's dialogue from the show, but some I'm not comfortable with, maybe because it simply doesn't fit.

example: "Are you sure?It's not like we are mail deliverers."

(To note should've placed a space there) Sorry but the way you could've phrased that part could've been better in my opinion, it's not very smooth and out of place.

Overall, could be a neat story, but at the same time, my taste my end up fighting against putting it down my throat due to how fussy I am.

[Permafrost]

It wasn't my kind of FanFiction, but I decided to stop being fussy for a day and give it a chance it probably deserved, being that I have never read a My little pony: Friendship is Magic and really should get started.

Alright, start off with, I'm back and forth on your dialogue, your good at mimicking the character's dialogue from the show, but some I'm not comfortable with, maybe because it simply doesn't fit.

example: "Are you sure?It's not like we are mail deliverers."

(To note should've placed a space there) Sorry but the way you could've phrased that part could've been better in my opinion, it's not very smooth and out of place.

Overall, could be a neat story, but at the same time, my taste my end up fighting against putting it down my throat due to how fussy I am.

Glad you gave it a chance.Hmmm...seems like my biggest problem is sentences that don't flow with the rest...interesting...I'll have to work on that.

[Guest]

Good job so far

[Discord]

i havnt quite finshed reading it but a plot idea occured to me.......i see that you have the outer termoil everyone fighting against the six/ possible discord.......but what about inner turmoil........ with the elments no longer being used, thus setting free discord.......now that thats set up.......why not have a conflict with luna since the elements are gone and there the things that changed her......why not have nightmare moon slowly trying to take back control of luna, have scenes where shes visably slipping or having argurments with her self.......all the while showing celestias growing concern for not only the safety of her sister but also the stability of the resitance seeing as one of their leaders is losing it. i as going to make this my own seperate story but im way to busy.........and i don't really enjoy writing mainly because i suck at it.

[Permafrost]

i havnt quite finshed reading it but a plot idea occured to me.......i see that you have the outer termoil everyone fighting against the six/ possible discord.......but what about inner turmoil........ with the elments no longer being used, thus setting free discord.......now that thats set up.......why not have a conflict with luna since the elements are gone and there the things that changed her......why not have nightmare moon slowly trying to take back control of luna, have scenes where shes visably slipping or having argurments with her self.......all the while showing celestias growing concern for not only the safety of her sister but also the stability of the resitance seeing as one of their leaders is losing it. i as going to make this my own seperate story but im way to busy.........and i don't really enjoy writing mainly because i suck at it.

Hehe,,,lets just say I have my reasons for why nopony has seen Luna yet...I haven't quite figured out exactly how I'm going to implement it.

[Permafrost]

Ok,so I was able to put everything in the first post so now people won't be as confused,but I need to delete those other posts which updated the story...problem is I have no idea how to do that...so...yeah...starting with chapter 3 I will be posting the rest of the story in the first post.

[CamoBadger]

Ok,so I was able to put everything in the first post so now people won't be as confused,but I need to delete those other posts which updated the story...problem is I have no idea how to do that...so...yeah...starting with chapter 3 I will be posting the rest of the story in the first post.

All taken care of

[Permafrost]

Oh thank you Nintendo...the 3ds won't let me add anything to the first post because of too much information I guess...so...yea...I will try to fit as many completed chapters into each post as possible but I can't add to the first post like at all so...yea...I apologize for any inconveniences.

Chapter 3:Old Friends and Rivals

Spoiler:

Ok,so I have no idea wtf happened with the first post...I will try getting that fixed...glad I have everything written down...but...T_T...anyways,yea sorry about that...might as well put ch.4 up still...

Chapter 4:Emergency Meeting(being worked on)

Spoiler:

all for now...hate this thing...

[Charr]

Wow tYler there is better uses of your time then this.

[Guest]

Wow tYler there is better uses of your time then this.

Ya he could be watching porn in his basement

[Game Master]

The member 'Mr.Bubbles' has done the following action : Dices roll

'5 Sides' : 4

[Charr]

>:O That I said STFU

[WalrusM3]

Hey, just wanted to let you know I'm still reading this and it looks all fine so far. Keep up the good work.

[Guest]

Tyler this is so sad there are way many more games to be played over this show....

[Permafrost]

Ok,so if you haven't noticed #1,my 3ds erased half my story...I feel like I have just let everyone who was/is/was going to read this fanfic down...and I want to solemnly apologize.XT Vengeance said he printed out the prologue and first 3 chapters earlier so he could edit it so I hope he can type up the 2 chapters and send them to me.This will not stop me from posting the rest of the story but...I just...*sigh*...

Chapter 4:Emergency Meeting

Spoiler:

[XT Vengeance]

Ok,so if you haven't noticed #1,my 3ds erased half my story...I feel like I have just let everyone who was/is/was going to read this fanfic down...and I want to solemnly apologize.XT Vengeance said he printed out the prologue and first 3 chapters earlier so he could edit it so I hope he can type up the 2 chapters and send them to me.This will not stop me from posting the rest of the story but...I just...*sigh*...

Chapter 4:Emergency Meeting

Spoiler:

Good news everyone! I did get the story so far printed. I have the Prologue edited so far. I will type it up later tonight, then post it here.

[WalrusM3]

Alright, decided to write some constructive critism this time, being that I have the time and the story is getting better, plus want to keep on helping ya Diamond Mint. So here it comes and be warned, I've became more confident and arrogant in my reviews, mostly because of the help other authors claim I give.
So here it goes, love the build and the character interaction, you've not only made us aware that they're all there, that's something I find hard to do is make it aware that all my characters are there and 6 is a stress for me. You've also managed to well mould all 6 of them, that I can image all 6 manes in the show change into this and I'm sitting with them and actually seeing them. I'm also really interested now to see how Flim and Flam get involved in this.
However, you, like all writers do, have problems. I don't swing because I don't like you, your story or because I think its funny, I do it because writers I pay attention to are worth something and I want to help them become even better writers and the only way to do that is tap on those weak points you have and I might keep repetitively doing this, if you don't sort them. However if you disagree with my opinions and brush them aside, fair enough, but please consider them at the very least.
So let us get started (Cracks fingers), now we discussed this last time, your still using full stops instead of commas (Few examples below) when ever you add a speech tag. Whats more you have a problem I have, you have too many speech tags. I know, you have six characters and want to make sure which ones are talking, but seriously there's few examples below where we know which ones are talking due to a conversation between two of them and such and we do know its this person. Rainbow Dash in particularly as we know she's the one answering questions and informing everyone. Really you're just too much making sure we follow and should trust us more, otherwise you just make us feel dumb and you don't like make us feel dumb do you? No. Here's some notes anyways I took while going through your work. Sorry if they're a bit harsh, I just have weird and probably cruel sense of humour.

then walked in slowly after seeing the danger was clear?. Well unless he walked in slowly because he hoped to get hit by another vase.
"Whatever you say, Rainbow Crash!" said Fluttershy,taking her seat./ I think we know that Fluttershy was the one who said it and you probably could've trust us to know she took her seat instead of telling.
Then she looked at the wall,counting six total advisers, all waiting, like statues/ Could you rephrase this, just doesn't sound right?
Rainbow Crash." said Fluttershy/ If you don't mind me saying, should have a comma, not a full stop.
"Twilight sat and listened intently." We know that Twilight was sitting, unless she got up at some point.
"What are these two doing here!?" asked Applejack angerily. I don't think you needed to mention Applejack said it angerily, considering how you had '!?' how rude it was.

Anyways look forward to reading more, keep on writing.

[Permafrost]

Alright, decided to write some constructive critism this time, being that I have the time and the story is getting better, plus want to keep on helping ya Diamond Mint. So here it comes and be warned, I've became more confident and arrogant in my reviews, mostly because of the help other authors claim I give.
So here it goes, love the build and the character interaction, you've not only made us aware that they're all there, that's something I find hard to do is make it aware that all my characters are there and 6 is a stress for me. You've also managed to well mould all 6 of them, that I can image all 6 manes in the show change into this and I'm sitting with them and actually seeing them. I'm also really interested now to see how Flim and Flam get involved in this.
However, you, like all writers do, have problems. I don't swing because I don't like you, your story or because I think its funny, I do it because writers I pay attention to are worth something and I want to help them become even better writers and the only way to do that is tap on those weak points you have and I might keep repetitively doing this, if you don't sort them. However if you disagree with my opinions and brush them aside, fair enough, but please consider them at the very least.
So let us get started (Cracks fingers), now we discussed this last time, your still using full stops instead of commas (Few examples below) when ever you add a speech tag. Whats more you have a problem I have, you have too many speech tags. I know, you have six characters and want to make sure which ones are talking, but seriously there's few examples below where we know which ones are talking due to a conversation between two of them and such and we do know its this person. Rainbow Dash in particularly as we know she's the one answering questions and informing everyone. Really you're just too much making sure we follow and should trust us more, otherwise you just make us feel dumb and you don't like make us feel dumb do you? No. Here's some notes anyways I took while going through your work. Sorry if they're a bit harsh, I just have weird and probably cruel sense of humour.

then walked in slowly after seeing the danger was clear?. Well unless he walked in slowly because he hoped to get hit by another vase.
"Whatever you say, Rainbow Crash!" said Fluttershy,taking her seat./ I think we know that Fluttershy was the one who said it and you probably could've trust us to know she took her seat instead of telling.
Then she looked at the wall,counting six total advisers, all waiting, like statues/ Could you rephrase this, just doesn't sound right?
Rainbow Crash." said Fluttershy/ If you don't mind me saying, should have a comma, not a full stop.
"Twilight sat and listened intently." We know that Twilight was sitting, unless she got up at some point.
"What are these two doing here!?" asked Applejack angerily. I don't think you needed to mention Applejack said it angerily, considering how you had '!?' how rude it was.

Anyways look forward to reading more, keep on writing.

This makes me actually happy. Your notes don't sound harsh, trust me I've heard worse. This character juggling act is only get harder later on so I'm happy I'm succeeding for the time being. Yes, commas vs. full stops still happens for me, but too many speech tags didn't cross my mind until you brought it up. Going back I see what you mean, I'll have to work on it. Thanks for the criticism ^_^

[WalrusM3]

All in a days work

[XT Vengeance]

Alright people. I have started a new thread where i will post the chapters of this story as i edit them, to make things a bit easier for Mint. Please leave your feedback on this thread as opposed to the other one. Thanks.

Revised Edition:

[Sponsored content]