Fluttershy Fanfic

[Fluttershy]

I've posted this fanfic before and I want to post it here for the viewing pleasure. It's going to be a bit "Risqué" so prepare yourselves.
(Note: It's fairly long)

Disclaimer: This Fanfic does involve an animal's death and Fluttershy crying. I apologize if you hate me for creating this. We all know people hate the creator of Cupcakes...

Title: Friendship is difficult (give title suggestions)

Spoiler:

Thank you for reading! Let me know if I made any misspellings and give your honest Review! I know it's pretty rushed, but hey. Nobody's perfect.

[Crona The Critic]

Sweet Jesus man.

[Fluttershy]

What is it? Did i do something wrong?

[Crona The Critic]

What is it? Did i do something wrong?

I almost cried.
:c

[Fluttershy]

Was it that good? Perhaps I should make it more known to the public...

[Guest]

dude, i'd say that was one of the saddest, yet well-written fanfics i've seen in a while. couple spelling errors, but no one's perfect. great job! :D try submitting it to equestria daily

[Fluttershy]

Thank you and please remember not to double post. I have combined your two messages, but please remember next time not to do that.

[Guest]

sorry, im used to commenting on facebook and such, it'll take some getting used to for me

[Crona The Critic]

sorry, im used to commenting on facebook and such, it'll take some getting used to for me

It's all good mate.

Why don't you go and get yourself an avatar?

[Guest]

Alright, a few things:
- Chickens aren't pheasants
- Like you said, a few spelling errors but they're all fixable by good old F7
- "Fluttershy felt really sorry for". "really sorry" is more of a conversational tone, it's a tad jarring to read in the prose.
- "The chicken suddenly took notice to Fluttershy" is a sentence fragment. Something like "The chicken suddenly noticed Fluttershy" or "The chicken took notice of Fluttershy".
- Remember the difference between its and it's. "A small chicken had caught it's leg in a branch." reads as "A small chicken had caught it is leg in a branch.""
- ""Can ya' do us a favour RD?" Applejack asked under her breath "Please let the girls know 'kay?"" Rainbow knew from just seeing her crying that she'd killed a chicken? Or was she just letting the other know Fluttershy was upset? It needs a tad more description. Also: a comma between know and 'kay would help to make the conversation sound more natural

These are just the things that jumped out at me when I first read it, if you want me to I can go over it in depth. There's definitely something there, it just needs some tweaking to get it to shine. Also: get a few pre-readers, they're fantastic for finding grammar and spelling mistakes.

I liked it, although the subject was a tad dark for my tastes. Fluttershy and AJ acted well within character, and it was genuinely upsetting to read about her putting the chicken down.

[Fluttershy]

I liked it, although the subject was a tad dark for my tastes. Fluttershy and AJ acted well within character, and it was genuinely upsetting to read about her putting the chicken down.

Thank you for pointing out my mistakes. I'll be sure to correct them ASAP. Plus I originally got the idea from some chickens I had to put down myself. I volunteered for the job, but I didn't realise the weight a kill can put on you. This got me thinking on how Fluttershy would act if she was put through the same situation. Thanks for the kind words nonetheless.

[Linguz]

Good story. Could be made better through many improvements. The first is more use of pronouns. Count the amount of times you say Fluttershy in a single paragraph. Minute is how one spells the word in American English, not minuet, which I'm unsure if it's in a different English or not. Don't use numbers in number form, use them as words. Four not 4. Only capitalize the first word of a sentence, this is where you said 4 Days. Speech uses a slightly different comma and capitalization usage, the Goolge Doc I posted in another topic shows you how it's done. The point of view switches wildly, what point of view were you going for here? 3rd person omniscient or 3rd person limited omniscient. That's all I can remember off the top of my head. If you want, I can do a line-by-line revision.

[Sky Cloud]

great fanfic!

[InterNutter]

::sniff:: ::wibble::

Sad story is sad :(

More coherent review when I can hold myself together ;)

[Fluttershy]

Did it, in all honestly, make you cry? Or are you being figurative? It's the internet, we can't exactly tell sarcasm so I'm sorry if I'm nagging or anything of the like.

[InterNutter]

I teared up a bit. True fact. I managed to retain control, though, and not turn into a bawling mess.

That sort of thing upsets the kiddies.

[Fluttershy]

I teared up a bit. True fact. I managed to retain control, though, and not turn into a bawling mess.

That sort of thing upsets the kiddies.

Okay thank you. I didn't realise how good this was... although not everyone looks up to their own work.

[Linguz]

I'm doing corrections on paper right now. Something that bothers me: You switch between he, she, and it for everyone, particularly the chicken.

I have to ask: When the fic was completed, did you print it out and read it start to end?

[Fluttershy]

The paragraphs are meant to change when you switch to someone else's view. In the chicken's view, he knew he was a male and didn't know Fluttershy or Angel, so He could only describe them as "The yellow mare" or "That bunny" Fluttershy also wouldn't know Dexters name right away nor his gender, so she would think of him as an "It" catch my drift?

Plus I typed it up on the spot and re-read it twice to see what I needed to fix and change some less creative sentences.

[Linguz]

The difference between rereading it on the computer and on paper is the mistakes you catch. I can catch a whole lot more mistakes and things I would change on paper than on a computer.

It seems to me that during Dexter's paragraphs, he calls himself an "it" and Fluttershy by her name. This also happens vice-versa, calling Dexter a "he" during Fluttershy's paragraphs. Changing points of view so often will cause mess ups like this.

I'll look over my corrections when I finish and make sure I get who the story is following and how the its and hes and shes are used.

[Fluttershy]

Well I will correct the "It" problem if I can, but the reason he calls her Fluttershy is because you would think he would have picked up on her name during the 6 day skip. Perhaps I'll need to add a section to where she tries to talk to him and introduces herself.

[Linguz]

The 6 day break, wouldn't Fluttershy see that something was wrong before the infection gets this bad if she was changing his bandages every day?

[Fluttershy]

I have a lot of work to do... Fluttershy only changed the bandages when the blood started to show through the bandages. She thought it was getting a little better because of it, but didn't notice that the leg had an infection. I'll change this as soon as I can, but I'm busy with a lot of things.

[Linguz]

Alright. I'll point it out in my review, don't change things yet because if you do, I'll have to redo the entire thing to take in those changes. I should get it done today or tomorrow. If it's done tomorrow, it'll be during my study hall at the start of the day.

[Fluttershy]

Okay. I'll be changing it when you post your review. I'll only be adding scenes to fill in plot holes. You can fix the grammar errors if you wish, but as long as it's readable for everyone I won't change that.

[Linguz]

Alright. I'll probably do it in a GoogleDoc and just put the link up. It's where I've done my reviews in the past.

[Linguz]

I have started putting it together right here.

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