Re: Fallout Equestria: Murky Number Seven

[Moodyman90]

I'll admit that there is a very good and possible chance that swicked has influance me a bit. Mainly with the idea the robots are attracted to Murky. And a tiny bit with the Ragini/Murky pairing.

[Fuzzy]

Wicked Slit is not stupid, though. She's a bit deluded and has anger
issues but she always struck me as one of the smarter slavers out there,
if only because she exercises her brain trying to get everything
working fluidly. To get the workers she needs, to get them fed and on
the right shifts, to keep an eye on all the other slavers trying to horn
in on her business. She runs the fun farm, which was stated to have
been allocated more food than most other areas. I'd bet that was her
doing. She may not be politically connected, but if she felt that food
would make the difference, she was going to get it.
She takes care of her blades and she makes sure her equipment works. She is smart.

If
she spends enough time around Chainlink, hearing him get more and more
disparaging toward Red Eye when he doesn't have to worry about Stern
listening in... when he's certain that he's in the company of ponies
that understand that the old ways from before Red Eye were best...
...I think he's going to lose her. I think he's going to say something and she will realize she's backing the wrong pony.
It
might not happen in the fic... after all, I AM arguing with the writer
right here, but I could still see it happening. She believes in Red Eye
and makes it her business to be constantly aware of her surroundings.
Someone whose ultimate plan is to oust Red Eye cannot stay her ally
forever.

It's a lot more than just "for Red Eye" and "against Red Eye." She wants to support Red Eye, but she doesn't want Protégé's incorrect (to her opinion) beliefs having influence. She votes against him because she would rather someone with the "right attitude" there. If he tried to launch a coup against Red Eye she'd be first in line to fight for him, but until that point, she'd rather him than Protégé.

She has something of a liking for his Shackles goes about slavery, she was mentioning so a couple times before.

I've been under the impression that Talon company only has a contract directly with Red Eye.
Basically, they are the military of Filly, and the ONLY civilian that has direct power over them is the president... Red Eye.
Everyone else, no matter how connected, is not part of their power structure, and there are NO other mercenaries in that room.
Is this wrong? Are they part of the "slavers" group? I honestly didn't think they were.

Talons were bought by Red Eye and no doubt were slotted into the command structure so that he didn't need to personally order every single thing to them.

You question about the chapter intro bits. It's got a consistency of tone not for any real reason other than easy recognition for any of the points when it drops back to those two talking. I'm afraid I can't say too much about it.

[Admiral Stoic Rum]

Been in the mood to write FoE poems lately. I know these have a limited audiance, but I kinda like how this one turned out:

Spoiler:

[RoboRed]

Finally got around to reading the latest chapter. (Fuzzy, y u no update on Fimfic anymore?)

Also:

Ragini wanted past Protégé. I watched her go, with a grim look on her face. She didn't look satisfied...just black and void of emotion.

Don't you mean "wandered"? Or "walked"?

[RoboRed]

Fuzzy, you might want to have a look at this: http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/168062/first-impressions-murky-number-seven-by-fuzzy

[Fuzzy]

Finally got around to reading the latest chapter. (Fuzzy, y u no update on Fimfic anymore?)

Also:

Ragini wanted past Protégé. I watched her go, with a grim look on her face. She didn't look satisfied...just black and void of emotion.

Don't you mean "wandered"? Or "walked"?

I'll correct it, thanks.

I would update on FimFic, but the guy who does it for me has gone AWOL for weeks. I can't post on FimFic, it just doesn't accept it when I use the "convert" tool. FimFic's system is so cripplingly badly designed that it's nearly impossible to transfer from anything into it. DW managed to get it working but as I said, he's just disappeared completely as of late and hasn't responded to email so...frankly, I'm at a loss. I've tried to upload it myself and it just doesn't work.

Fuzzy, you might want to have a look at this: http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/168062/first-impressions-murky-number-seven-by-fuzzy

Saw it, fantastic review and I'm eager to see what he thinks going on.

[cb5]

I just started reading the story myself. I'm not going to post in here until I catch up cause I don't want it spoiled for me.

[RoboRed]

You've got a loooooong read ahead of you, dude.

[cb5]

You've got a loooooong read ahead of you, dude.

I'm on chapter 8.

[cb5]

I just started reading the story myself. I'm not going to post in here until I catch up cause I don't want it spoiled for me.

...but you just posted, and...

Eh, whatever. Good luck.

I mean I started reading last week.

[O. Hinds]

@Swicked:
Ahahahahahahhaha! Very nice! And… "Coral-ing a savior"! Hah!

I mean, if she can eventually entirely forgive Brim for intentionally destroying Coral’s village and killing ponies that were pretty much like family to her for no reason beyond pleasure and profit, she can forgive the unintentional killing of her estranged real family for what was likely a good cause, even if it wasn’t necessarily worth the sheer loss of life.

Of course, Glimmerlight still doesn't actually remember what happened. :D

[Admiral Stoic Rum]

Fuzzy, you might want to have a look at this: http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/168062/first-impressions-murky-number-seven-by-fuzzy

i read that and I was tempted to get my mum to read the story based on that review, problem is mum is not exactly in the right state to read something as full of despair...

anyeay, congrats on a stellar review from a rather harsh critic Fuzzy...

also imm excited for the rest of the storey!!!

[hawkeye92]

Here is my horrendously late review of chapter twenty. I got interrupted by my final university exams and other bits and pieces. The review is also over two and a half thousand words long and written in bits when I had free time which took a long time. Although, as promised, it is finally here and before the next chapter, much to my amazement. find the review itself spoilered below. The spiler system appears to not be working on this post, so word wall incoming!

Thoughts on the title and quote. The title sets up for political shenanigans I'm assuming, since that is what was foreshadowed in the last few chapters and could be seen as a 'game' of sorts.

"It is of no use. they have never seen us as equals and they never shall." Now this is an interesting quote- it makes me think that either what shaky faith Murky has in Protégé will be broken, convinced that Protégé will never aid him and his friends in an escape or on the flip side of the coin that Protégé comes to think that Murky is a lost cause who he will not be able to bring around to Red Eyes' grand vision.

We start in the mysterious therapist's office. I suppose my tenuous hypothesis is that he's decided to buy himself a lot of therapy time to work out his troubled past in a post-Fillidelphia life (or one of his friends has gotten it for him). Or he's dead and talking to someone in the great beyond.

It's nice to begin with Murky comfortable for the first time in his life and the comparison with Protégé when he used to be in the same position. Similarly, Murky clearly has a more rebellious streak after his epiphany, with snarky one liners in his mind at the beginning of the chapter, while at the same time having some kind of admiration. The confusion is well written out.

The goodbyes to the rest of his friends was poignant, especially Glimmerlight and Coral Eve, the former still battling with her addiction and the latter holding a grudge which is more than justified about it, but at the same time trying to be positive when Murky's around, like he's the glue holding everything together.

Tip number three as well. Used well for comedic effect playing to Murk's naivety that phrase was pure gold.

The first test of Murky's loyalty is fairly quick and one would suppose relatively easy, but it plays against his last psychological improvement. I wonder if calling Protégé 'master' and other mannerisms will eventually erode Murky's spirit in some way. Time will tell. At the same time we get the first real glimpse of the politics and intrigue going on in the Dark City at the moment- essentially a power grab caused by a sudden vacuum; the catalyst for many a treacherous and bloody era in history, no doubt this one will play much to the same tune in its own backstabbing way. Which at this point in the chapter helps stoke a feeling of excitement and a little apprehension as to what is going to transpire.

Ragini is really starting to grow on me in this chapter. Maybe it's the teasing of Murky or just more of her personality and thirst for revenge coming out (more on that later). Perhaps Ragini is just becoming a more fleshed out character in general as opposed to a bodyguard who lurks in the background without any major substance.

Introduction to the logistics hub- a likely source of a lot of the equipment Murky is going to be pilfering and Protégé's place of work. Of course without logistics an empire will crumble even faster than without an army and so is arguably one of, if not the most crucial area to get right, which would initially be confusing that Protégé sees the job as thankless and a demotion. However, after this introduction where it is seen that the logistics can in fact take care of themselves and the considerable resistance to Protégé's orders makes it clear as to what he meant in previous chapters.

In the following conversation there are a few interesting tidbits thrown in- first the appearance of the Shade's radio frequency. At this point I had no idea what was going on, although perhaps it might have something to do with events later. Then, the 'coming threats from above'. I wonder how they know what's about to happen? Also foreshadowing of the logistic guys' lives becoming a living hell. If the Enclave are actually shown to be at least halfway competent (they're one of my major gripes with the original story- there was so much potential to a comparison with a modern country going to extreme measures to ensure their own safety and they could have been possibly the most relatable of all the factions but they got turned into one dimensional cartoonishly evil bad guys), they'll hit the logistics element hard and very fast.

In the logistics discussion, Protégé makes possibly the most profound sentence of this chapter.                “Sacrifice must be made, but I will not send another fifty workers onto that death-trap of a journey to Everfree until we can afford enough hired guns to get at least twenty of them there, Mudball!”

This elegantly sums up the conflicting nature of Protégé and likely readers' feelings towards him. On the one hand there is the master who cares for the people in his service more than his compatriots would, which is why he brings the subject up in the first place. On the other side though, you can see his almost flippant disregard for life in the horrendous casualties he is willing to take, which reminds us that Protégé carries out, or is willingly complicit in committing truly heinous crimes for which it is hard or impossible to forgive; he is the classical monster. For me this puts my opinion into turmoil- I want to see Protégé succeed to improve the lot of the slaves in Fillydelphia but at the same time I loathe him with a passion.

This is also examined in the following exchange between Murky and Protégé pretty well. We also see some cracks in Protégé where, perhaps, he realises he is a monster of the worst kind, but shoulders it and moves on. It was a really good exchange.

I liked Murky's glee at being left alone in the supply area and his attempts at starting to use his new reading skills.

Moving swiftly onwards, we reach the first of the chapter dealing with spooks. The higher slavers all keeping tabs on each other and employing spy rings makes a certain amount of sense, since it seems here you can 'inherit' someone else's patch after the original owner's untimely demise. Likewise Protégé seems like the type who would take measures like the string and memorizing where everything is, so it is a nice inclusion here.

The first action scene is fast paced and frantic, the rooftop chase highlighting the difference between the Shades compared to Murky and Protégé, not to mention chases like that fit right into the spy theme. The inclusion of an EFS blocker is interesting- it's nice to have things which limit the slightly ridiculous videogame elements in the story, even if the EFS doesn't play a huge role in this story. The teamwork between Murky and Protégé really plays off here, even if Murky can't do a lot physically. Also Protégé's role as a student coming through as he tries to copy one of Littlepip's spells.

On the way to the Alpha-Omega hotel, Protégé is essentially saying that he would sacrifice himself rather than bother Red-Eye when he's busy is another resurgence of simultaneously his best and worst trait. His obsession with sacrifice (likely stemming from his lifetime of slavery) leads him to do great things himself but to ultimately see everyone, himself included, as expendable, which leads him into the support for Red Eye's damnably evil regime. The latter seems to be slipping a little with Murky's presence, but I suspect that it is so deeply ingrained that he will never fully be able to shake it.

As they reach the Alpha-Omega hotel, when Murky looks at the guard, the word 'fanatical' is used in two adjacent sentences. It looks a bit jarring.

It's sad to see Murky enter the school to see everything he's missed out on, highlighted with the food.  "Not even I or Master Red Eye are permitted to this food..." I'm not sure why, but I hate Red Eye a little bit more for that. Probably because he is trying to be seen like the common pony despite being an utter bastard.

Even though the foals' lives are nice and comfortable you can't really forget the thousands, probably tens of thousands who live in misery for it (I suppose you could make a comparison to the western world and the rest of the planet, but I'm not going to go there). It at least shows that Red Eye has good intentions, even if they make up a large part of the paving to Tartarus by now (and given it's an actual place in Equestria I wouldn't be surprised if Red Eye did pave a road there).

Seeing the ghoul foals is bittersweet. It's good to see that they're doing well (kinda surprised Red Eye takes in ghoul foals), but at the same time their predicament is heartbreaking, never able to grow up and always being different from other foals. Also the writer is aware of this, mixing in general joy and the secret planning with almost surgical strikes with Starshine; referring back to the horrendous forced ghoulification then talking about her family. Who are almost certainly dead, if not impossible to find.

The meeting with Grizzly really sets up the meat of the political intrigue to follow. The voting system is really rather ingenious, having two rounds since most slavers vote for themselves. Although I suppose megalomania goes hand in hand with slavers really. I can't say I'm too shocked that Red-Eye threw his vote in with Protégé, or that Stern follows his lead, although obviously it is a huge deal to Protégé.  I loved the sudden tension when Murky heard the foal outside and the relief afterwards.

Test of trust is a good insight into where Murky's loyalties lie. I think he made the right choice there. List Seeker is another interesting case amongst slavers (in Fillydelphia at least) in that he cares for his slaves and is willing to go to great lengths to protect them. It isn't unreasonable to assume that slave masters grow fond of their slaves on a fairly regular basis, especially if they're working to fulfil a goal. I'm fairly sure it happened in real history fairly regularly, particularly in Rome, but my knowledge is sketchy on that subject. I know Wicked Slit cares at least a little for her slaves (some of them at least), from her behaviour in the hospital. Even if her general treatment of the slaves is extremely harsh.

Hearing that Mosin is being pushed through as chief armourer for the outer defence network is pretty hilarious. Going from hauling carts of broken guns to be handed out to Stable raiding slaves and equipping a small force of guards at slave pens to being put in charge of weaponry and potentially siege craft on a serious military line which will be attacked by professional troops with superior equipment in less than a week is absolutely crazy (Unless the outer defences are indentured slaves. That wouldn't surprise me- wearing out an enemy and making him show his resources and strategy before hitting actual defences). I can only guess Shackles is hoping that either Mosin doesn't end up undermining the local commanders' efforts or that they will never be attacked. Alternatively Shackles is only bumping him up there for the votes and would be happy to see him fall just as swiftly later.

The sneaking was great here, especially Murky's glee at learning how to sneak properly. Finding Big Mac's suit of prototype armour was interesting (my bet is that Brim is going to end up wearing it at some point). Mosin's cursing is hilarious and Murky having a go at forgery made me smile.

Cue the tactical deployment of Glimmer's lesson for excellent results.

We see Coral's son for the first time. No doubt there will be more of him later. The little snippet from DJ-PON3 puts us in with the original story. Not long now before all hell breaks loose. It'll be interesting to see what happens when it does.

The courtroom battle of wills with Shackles was intense. did I mention I've really started to warm to Ragini in this chapter? Also with Shackles the description of him whispering quietly gets put in bold type as if thundering in Murky's ears was a nice touch.

The politics start in earnest with Murky and Ragini forced to leave the courtroom. We don't get a message from Sundial this time when Murky goes into the attic, but instead the courtroom is played out over the radio. The crux of the meeting is explained there and the room is left to argue about whether the second round of votes should take place. As the arguments start here Sundial's recording comes in, which is handily placed to cut out what would be fairly lengthy and likely boring political banter.

It was good to see Sundial's perspective on what Pinkie told Murky before and everything is playing together- the mountain is where whatever Shackles is after is and where the zebras were up to no good. I'm still hoping that the body Murky found the pipbuck on wasn't Sundial after all.

Murky's drawing on the wallpaper was a great way to show all of the threads of the story coming together.

Shackles' speech was fairly blunt and appealing to might is right, somewhat predictable in Fillydelphia. The real interest is when the Shades start broadcasting again and essentially unwittingly tell their plan to Murky. This is where the tension ramps up and my choice of music with the Undiscovered Country soundtrack, since there are quite a few parallels with the end of that film here. Not enough to really be copying or even really influenced from, but the music fits. Although it is funny that he starts talking about ideals, like the Klingon chancellor...

Protégé's speech is good, especially the accusation that the slavers are the ones chained to how they do things and the praise of Murky which no doubt went straight over the poor pony's head, since he was getting shot at and all. The move with the grappling hook was great, I wasn't sure if Protégé had made it for a second there. Also Fillydelphia is probably the only place where the person presiding over a serious political hearing has an assault rifle ready to use at a moment's notice.

One thing which stood out though with the initial radio chatter is that one of the shades said "come and give us a hand." I'm not really the hardcore type to turn everything into hooves or whatever, but I think it breaks a bit of immersion there. Personally I would have rephrased it, like 'come and help' or something similar.

I liked the fight in the attic. It was tense and both Murky and Protégé were played to their strengths and weaknesses. Ragini's dramatic entrance was also executed well. I also really liked the tension between Protégé and Ragini over the slaver.

The meeting with Red Eye himself was unexpected and well played, laying out why there can't be a direct confrontation lest Filly fall to the Enclave (how does he know that they're coming anyway?). Protégé and Red Eye's parting was moving and sets up Protégé to emerge from Red Eye's shadow. Also the blessing from the big guy himself to go into the mountains to find whatever horrors Aurora was hiding there, potentially taking Murky's friends to boot. It may be how they end up escaping eventually but that's pure speculation.

Protégé going to break out slaves is an interesting move. Quite how he'll pull it off in the metro of all places I don't know, but it will be great to find out.

[Fuzzy]

Wow! When yo usaid it was a long review, you weren't kidding at all! Really, you don't need to go to such extents man! :p

I really love that you're getting into the nitty gritty of things and meanings and thoughts behind some elements. Protégé's line about "acceptable casualties" is most certainly a sum up of his character in general so very good spot!

Rather thankful you really enjoyed the look into things behind the curtain of authority in Fillydelphia, I knew I wanted to examine it. Originally I wanted much more detail on precisely how it works, but that would only have dragged the story pacing down.

Ragini does get a little more fleshing out. Originally she was just a bodyguard but people really wanted to know her more, so I've been more intent on that. In the original chapter version, it was Red Eye who killed the last Shade with his alicorns in a real YOU AINT GOT NOTHING NOW moment. But Ragini, I feel ,deserved it more than a cheap grin from readers.

Stuff is certainly coming to a head, Red Eye apparently knew of the Enclave's plans long in advance, he makes reference in FOE to having to accelerate his own plans to try and account for the massive Enclave overreaction, not to mention once he started messing with SPP towers he must have known he'd attract them.

Really hoping you get to enjoy what comes next. Thanks so much. :)

[Admiral Stoic Rum]

It was an insightful review.

Also that New Update to asktheslaves... that was pretty golden.

[RoboRed]

Oh gawd that face...:

[hawkeye92]

Ragini does get a little more fleshing out. Originally she was just a bodyguard but people really wanted to know her more, so I've been more intent on that. In the original chapter version, it was Red Eye who killed the last Shade with his alicorns in a real YOU AINT GOT NOTHING NOW moment. But Ragini, I feel ,deserved it more than a cheap grin from readers.

----------------------------

Right, something's changed with the text editor so I can't type outside of the quote. Odd.
I was wondering why Red Eye was so close by and didn't send his alicorns in to mop up, although it makes a lot of sense if that was how it was originally going to be. I agree that Ragini is much more valuable a choice to use here than a cheap laugh from readers- added depth is a lot better appreciated.

Also, since I wrote the beginning of the review ages ago I forgot to ammend my thoughts on the chapter quote post read. The quote isn't meant to be about Murky and Protege at all, but instead of Shackles and company with respect to Protege and Murky- Shackles and the other slavers will never accept a born slave as their equal or superior, irrespective of what their leader would like.

[Fuzzy]

It was chapter 12 that really made people start asking after her a whole bunch and theories started flying around about her condition during the long 13-19 run. It sort of built up around that time.

Her injury has essentially broken off her amount of caring. She has something of an "I survived that, so don't try to talk to me about opening my mouth." attitude about it. Also due to the stress its laid on her at being unable to fly. She is essentially much more emotive, which is something I noticed was a regularity amongst amputees. (My family has a few military connections, so I got some info on the nature of post injury from the recovery wards) They tend to get angrier with those they were normally professional to or more bantering with those who may not like them. Almost like they try to push more buttons than usual.

So this is really that. It's her professional side cracking much more often.

[O. Hinds]

Ah, thank you.
I definitely like the direction you've taken with her. While vengeful, she seems more cheerfully-aggressive than angrily-aggressive, but that's all just in how a person deals with stress and depression.
I cannot wait to see how my ship plays out in future chapters <3

Nor can I. The idea that you planted in my head, Swicked, seems to have sprouted quite well. I... may even like it more than Murkege... Though I'm not entirely without hope for a triangle or a Murky-centered caret!

[Plasticube]

Woo got a replacement tablet, made this to test it out.

Contains inside jokes and meta:

[Guest]

You use a tablet? Hm.  I was under the impression you leaned towards physical media.

[Fuzzy]

Oh god no. Not the Deflector Screen Tank! Bring back the knives! Please!

:p

Wonderful stuff, will get it up later. Thank you. ^^

[RoboRed]

Woo got a replacement tablet, made this to test it out.

Contains inside jokes and meta:

ArgleblargleIS-7...

[RoboRed]

Look who made a return to the reviewing board: http://www.fimfiction.net/blog/183110/a-review-proper-murky-number-seven-by-fuzzy

[Admiral Stoic Rum]

ooo, im reading it nao

 I felt the need to encourage the reviewer to move past the bad chapter and continue on... hope he/she does...

[Fuzzy]

Certainly some lovely wordy valuable feedback, as I say at length in there. I hope he goes on, but I can't force him. :p

[StoneSlinger88]

Started reading this two days ago. I'm low on sleep as it is and I've got work in six hours. Gonna need some coffee. Very brief thoughts so far (I'm up to Chapter 16, I'll get a full one out sometime):

Murky's pathetic. But he's slowly clawing his way away from that. He's doing brave things, even while being completely terrified. Brim's entertaining, as well as Glimmer. I have the same sense of humor that she does, maybe that's why I like her so much. 

Shackles is absolutely disgusting. A horrible person (pony?). He's too arrogant for his own good; he's trying to play everybody and I've got a feeling things aren't going to go well as soon as somebody stops cooperating. Or dies. He's got contingency plans, certainly. He knows how to take advantage of a situation, too. But Murky's been consistently screwing with his plans more than any other character we've seen, along with Brim proving himself to be the stronger. I'd say he's almost afraid to his current situation, where he's losing control, even if only a little.

[Moodyman90]

I want to see the PH and MN7 crew in an animated series now...

[Evilgidgit]

I've read Murky Number Seven for the first time, and it was fantastic! I love Murky and Protege the best, and Shackles can go die in a ditch somewhere.

[Admiral Stoic Rum]

welcome to our club, now you won't have to wait as long as we have for 21, but when you read it, you will have to wait as long as the rest of us for it... mwahahaha

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