Sister forum[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vergil Mon Apr 27, 2015 10:23 pm
My city could use Blackjack about now.
Vergil- Mobius One
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Mon Apr 27, 2015 10:33 pm
Anyway, if there's anything I could point to that Somber does better than most pony writers I've read, I'd have to say it's ending chapters in a way that makes you want to keep reading. And the thing is, that's despite not handling them all in the same way. They aren't all action-oriented cliffhangers, or for that matter mysteries or cases where you're wondering what just happened, like when it looked like Blackjack was being framed for murder in Meatlocker. They aren't all big emotional moments, though many are. When they are emotional hits, sometimes it's the front half, like Glory walking in after Blackjack's return from Hightower, while others it's the resolution to something else, like Priest's funeral or Glory's death(?) in 71.
- Chapter Seventy One Running Thoughts:
- There were ghosts in Star House. They breathed softly, silently, in the night. One moved through the rooms, restless, watching the slumbering occupants in the afterglow of desperate celebration. The house was in shambles; it’d take days to clean everything up and put things as nice and neat as when they’d first entered.
Breaking from the normal first-person narration when we know where Blackjack is and how she's doing was an unusual choice, tending to make the opening seem detatched. It's sort of the opposite of the more common beginning of a chapter where Blackjack is being introspective. Yet something similar is accomplished by giving interpretations of what Blackjack sees rather than the more objective statements with occasional inferences drawn. The same might have been done with the normal style, but would probably end up much wordier, more focused on Blackjack's self-awareness, and less confident, more intellectually- than emotionally-based.
Homage lay curled up, her back to Calamity, a pair of headphones covering her ears and plugged into the PipBuck she wore. Tears still lingered in the corners of her eyes as she slept, music a poor substitute for the warmth of the mare she loved.
Wow. That's actually kind of sweet.
“And you can help Blackjack, too.” The ghost froze, silence pouring out from under the door. “I know you still care for her. I see how you look at her,” Tenebra pressed.
“Blackjack… needs to get through this. I can’t be both her special somepony and come along and help her. She gets distracted, and I don’t want to compromise her. When everything is all done… when it’s all done, then we’ll see,” Glory said. “We have to finish this. I’ll do whatever I can so that she can be done and finally take the rest she deserves.”
That's in some respects a more sympathetic spin than the one given last chapter, with only the fact that it seems like Glory got the estimation of what would be more compromising backwards, or just got it wrong in thinking that there was anything she could do to be less of a distraction. Still, points for trying.
“And me?” Tenebra asked in a tiny, barely perceptible voice.
“You…” Glory was silent for a moment, “You’re more than just a rebound, Tenebra. I like you. I’d like this thing we have to be more.” A soft sigh. “Blackjack’s got the biggest heart in the Wasteland. I’m sure she’ll understand.”
“Maybe the three of us?” Tenebra asked.
“Not you too,” Glory groaned, then relented.
Ha! She just can't win. But this bit from Tenebra is something I'm happy to see. Not as a potential tie between Glory and Blackjack, or expanding that circle or anything. But because it felt a little off to me that Tenebra would be pursuing Blackjack yesterday, two days ago, getting the answer "I'll run it by Glory," and then she's lost interest in Blackjack just like that when a barrier would actually seem to have become more surmountable. Also, fleshing out some of this between Whisper and her is nice.
“Maybe. Maybe something might work out. But it’ll be tomorrow. Everything will be settled, one way or another, tomorrow.” A soft sigh. A gentle kiss. A rustling of sheets. Silence broken only by the longing in the air.
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow… the ghost walked to the last room, gaze sweeping over the cardboard boxes, the desk in the corner which held the IF-88, and the tousled bed. Tomorrow… time marched endlessly onward in plodding steps from now to the ending of the universe.
Leaving that glimmer of hope in Gloryjack. But also heavily ramping up the use of "tomorrow" as a focal word for the moment.
What folly had it witnessed? What cruelties? What joys? What sorrows? And if the grand totality of the events of the universe were tallied, which would ultimately predominate?
This makes me think to Spike's original advice to Blackjack, which she's gone back to both in the interim and after this point: “You do everything you can to make up for it, knowing that you’ll never succeed in getting rid of the guilt. You devote yourself to spending every second trying to do better despite the fact that it will never be enough. And you pray with every single good act you do that somehow when your life is over that your lifetime will come close to making up for the wrong you committed.”
“Bwackjack?” Boo asked behind me. I turned and saw her standing in the door, watching me with wide scared eyes. Not scared in general; I knew that expression too well. Boo’s face showed an odd fear… for me? “You scared?”
Is it the expression that says, "Are you thinking about doing something self-destructive to avoid dealing with your real problems?"?
“Mhmmm…” she answered again. And once more I felt myself start to shake, and she murmured, “Don’t die, Bwackjack.”
Yeah, totally that expression.
Lacunae’s sad smile filled my memory, and I hated her, envied her. Nobly sacrificing herself for others so that her race would have a chance, giving back all the memories that made up her being. How dare she go first? Why couldn’t it have been me?
Because there's more than one kind of sacrifice.
“I know a funny story about a silly mare who fights great evil, but I fear how the story ends.”
Majina tapped her mother’s shoulder, waited for her to turn so she could watch the filly’s lips, then took a deep breath and explained, “Well duh, Mama. It ends with pzow pzow, vroom, boom, and then yay! Any other ending would be stupid.”
I've seen plenty of similar talk about the story outside of it. I don't think I've ever been that optimistic, since every step of the way there's been plenty to go along with the "yay!" And this is the story that brought us "At the End of the Trail," after all.
“There is a story of a mare whose husband was burned. When he healed, the black marks were as red as blood. . . . What he did not know was that she wore a charm to help see in the dark, and saw his cursed marks.
Okay, so he has both the red stripes of the Proditors (concealed in some way that leaves a window to seem them as such following some forms of injury and healing), and the marks of the Starkatteri. Works with the Orion story, where Orion's stripes were red after slaying his tribe.
So much planning had been done for Cognitum that I had forgotten there was an immortal fighter with scary star powers pitted against me.
I see she fell victim to one of the classic blunders.
“Ironic,” Lancer said with a touch of bitterness, “that the Maiden of the Stars would care more for my own people than our leader.”
See, this is how "irony" works.
“My husband may make light of many things, but no zebra, not even the Starkatteri, would make up such a thing,” Sekashi said gravely. “The Maiden of the Stars will exist, and she will strike down the city of evil. We thought it your Princess Luna. Perhaps she may still be. Prophecies may be manipulated. Exploited. But they always, always matter.”
I confess, I don't really follow here. The prophesy being in some sense legit, yeah, I get that. But why would Princess Luna "strike down the city of evil," Hoofington, Nightmare Moon's own city? There's evil, and then there's "Wait . . . what was your plan again?"
He started to turn away, but I touched his shoulder with a hoof and stopped him. “You are a better person than you father, Lancer. You know that, right?”
Lancer blinked, then gave a weary smile. “I know so, but it remains for me to prove it.”
Well, can't say he hasn't learned anything from her.
Lionheart swore upon the soul of Princess Luna at thunderous volume that he could get them there safely. I didn’t inform him of where that soul currently resided, but then, my ears were ringing
And this has only gotten better since.
“Plan B’s are good,” I answered. “Listen, if everything goes bad, there’s a secret weapon I want you to know about.” I leaned in, whispered it into his ear, and was rewarded with something utterly beautiful: an expression of profound bafflement. Whisper leaned in eagerly, almost bouncing on her hooves, and I gave her a flat glare. “No. It’s not another megaspell. This time.”
Everybody loves secret weapons!
“If we can’t do that either... eh... Hopefully, these earth pony contraptions will work right. The one we tested did, but... don’t worry about it, Blackjack.”
Don’t worry about it? Last time she’d told me that I’d woken up half machine! “Wait? What earth pony contrap–” I started to say when the world disappeared in a purple flash.
Using mostly untested parachutes on someone with severe acrophobia is kind of a dick move. But it's an emergency.
I could see it all lit by the full moon. I’d seen it before when I was rushing around outside of Star House, but I hadn’t noticed it; I was too busy. Not now. There was not a single cloud anywhere in the sky over Hoofington.
That's kind of disturbing.
Every inch of the surrounding terrain was lit up by bonfires, flares, and spotlights, and in three places I saw the bulky outlines of double-barreled tanks. Two Raptors, the Blizzard and Sirocco, circled in the sky out away from the building. Suddenly I had a deep appreciation of the cesspit that we were all going to be dunked in.
Above, the skies were clear and dark, the stars shining down at me. The stars… I stared up at them with a sense of wonder. I’d seen the sun and the moon, but peering out into that sea of blackness, I could only marvel at their beauty. They seemed to be greeting me; zebras might think that stars were bad, and the Eater of Souls proved that some truly were, but I couldn’t believe they all were. Not all of them. So many stars amidst so much blackness… I felt tears on my cheeks.
Love the contrast between the ground and the stars. Also, the fact that Cognitum is on the ground, Blackjack in the star-filled sky, for this slow establishing shot.
“Greens,” the purple alicorn said with a little roll of her eyes. She received a simultaneous sticking out of tongues in return, followed by the ‘older’ green glaring in annoyance at the ‘younger’, sheepishly grinning green.
Greens able to influence each other into doing things they might not otherwise?Not sure exactly what "grinning green" means there, though. Teeth green too?
I tried to get to my hooves, levitate up the Ironpony — I needed a damned name for the thing! All badass guns had special names!
Glad she didn't go with "Eeup." Though it's a little sad she didn't have a sudden and immediate moment of inspiration like she did with "Boomstick."
Boo charged forward as well, and a frisson shot up my spine. What was she doing? She didn’t have a gun or barding! One of the Brood turned his guns towards her, and I shouted a warning, about to fire a magic bullet. Then the Brood’s magazine inexplicably ejected as the automatic rifle jammed. Boo dropped and rolled like a log, tripping the Brood and sending it sprawling on its face. How... Then Scotch Tape leapt out from behind some vent ducts and bashed it in the head with her wrench once, then again.
Boo's learning to use that power on her own, it seems, which may indicate further soul growth. Good for Scotch, too, but at first glance it does feel a little weird that she was able to do with two strikes of a wrench what Blackjack could with two headshots from a carbine. Probably a benefit of them being close to robots and her Repair orientation.
“Tally up when the fighting’s done. That one’s getting up again,” he told her with a slightly tense smile. The cyberzebra she’d clubbed began to stir, and she pulled out a small baton and jammed it into the base of the Brood’s skull. There was a pop and sizzle and a flash of sparks, and it went still.
Oh. Never mind, then. Guess she didn't, but the same probably applies instead to the baton instead.
“Nice job, Boo,” Scotch Tape told her. “Where’d you learn to fight like that?”
“Not fightin'. Playin’. Discord showed me how.” Little statements like that got the oddest looks, but now wasn't the time for elaboration.
So here we see that they haven't yet learned to apply the rules you use with Blackjack to Boo. To wit: no matter how improbable, it's true, and may even make sense if you know everything around it (for certain values of "make sense").
In the middle was the pentagonal arrangement of launchpads with their rockets. The largest and grandest stood on the sixth pad in the center of the pentagon, a wonder of arcane science and technomagical art. The white metal of its skin bore the tarnish of two centuries of neglect, but, seeing it here so close and in person, bathed in the glow of floodlights and standing next to a tower of girders, pipes, and catwalks, it was still an awesome sight. Unlike the rockets I'd seen in memories and pictures, it had no separate boosters; the hull flowed smoothly down from the pointed nose to the broad base. The other rockets were smaller, the less advanced but still elegant models with their four aerodynamic boosters and launch towers that surrounded and embraced them instead of just standing alongside, wreathed in frigid mist and bearing more signs of slapdash repair. I also had a clearer view of the two destroyed pads; one looked as if the rocket and its support tower had exploded and partially melted into single shards of tortured metal. The other was covered in frost, shattered corpses scattered around its base.
Having some fun there with the description, I see.
Then I glanced over at Scotch Tape peering through a pair of binoculars. I pursed my lips at her remembering to bring something I’d forgotten, then snagged them from her, ignoring her protest of annoyance.
Blackjack is a dick to children.
What had she done to my body? The black armor, based on Shadowbolt power armor, now had a more sleek and smooth appearance to it, as if the metal limbs were actual flesh, sinews of cable visible where the metallic... skin parted. What actual armor plates remained appeared intricately wrought and ornate, tipped with spikes. The black metal now had a faint purplish coloration to it, and there was no attempt to maintain my old cutie mark engraving or that of the Crusaders’ filly or ‘Security’. In place of mane and tail, red and black striped magic blew, snapping like flame behind her. A crown of burnished silver and rubies rest atop her head. She appeared the perfect amalgamation of magic, machine, and mare.
Yes . . . "perfect." Certainly not "tasteless" or "overwrought" at all. And again, not exactly trying to play the part of Blackjack recognizably.
Anyway, the changes to the skin are newer, I think, and probably the spikes. The mane and tail and lack of old symbols—cutie mark, "Security," Crusaders filly—were old news. Crown's new, too. But in a similar style to Hades's, which was silver with a black stone.
Not only did she appear different, but she felt… odd. This was my old body, and yet not. I could feel the strange, smooth metal limbs far more intimately than I had the old ones, which had been more like phantom limbs. There was a pulse, but it was a pulse of energy. Everything felt tight and oversensitive. I could now feel the pressure of my baby as a constant sensation punctuated by slight movements and tiny discomforts.
I wonder how much of this is changes Cognitum has made (say, getting rid of some of the pain damping), and how much is the effect of the Perceptitron.
[Cognitum] hissed in annoyance. “What is Steel Rain up to? He should have checked in on these disturbances in the Core hours ago.”
Okay, so it's not Cognitum behind those changes. Strikes me as indicating they aren't something for making the F.A.D.E. work the way it needs to, since that strikes me as something where both she and the Legate want the same outcome. And it was done by mechasprites. So if not them, who? The Eater itself, with nobody there running things in the Core directly, gaining some degree of control of the sprites? Something else?
Any minute... any second... we’d hear the roar of the rockets launching, and then that would be it. Maybe we could somehow, some way, get the Elements of Harmony to banish me to the moon... but I doubted it.
Probably not how that works anyway, Blackjack. But nice try.
“Okay…” I said breathlessly. “I hereby dub thee... Sexy!”
“Sexy,” P-21 said flatly. “Really.”
“What? Did you expect something more profound?” Glory asked with a smile.
“Hey. I can do profound,” I said as I pouted at her. “And ‘Sexy’ is profound. It fucks the target over and leaves them a complete wreck afterwards.”
“In that case, shouldn’t you name it ‘Blackjack’?” Scotch Tape asked. Suddenly I, P-21, and Glory were all varying degrees of embarrassed, and she snickered. “I win.” Somefilly should have been left at Chapel...
Like the name, though Blackjack's justification for "profound" seems post-hoc. But hey, can you argue with the name itself when she was getting physically aroused just reading about it in a trade magazine or catalog? As for Scotch's retort, too soon to say, but so far it doesn't seem to be leaving itself a wreck as well.
I was going to fail simply because I was lost.
“Boo!” I whirled on the white mare. “Which way do you think we should go?” She blinked her pale eyes in bafflement.
“Blackjack?” P-21 asked, just as perplexed.
“Just trust me on this!” I told him as I stared into her eyes. “Just pick which way.”
Seems like a better plan than anything else right now.
“Blackjack? Are you sure?” Glory asked.
“Shh! Don’t doubt the Boo!” I warned as I turned and raced in the direction she’d pointed.
It only works if you believe!
We crossed the round room to the far side, and P-21 knelt, starting to work on the lock when the double doors we’d entered suddenly slammed shut with a resounding boom, sealing Boo outside the planetarium.
No more using Boo to cheat. :(
One by one the emergency lights went dark. Almost as one, we clicked on our PipBuck lamps, producing four little pools of wan amber light. Then there was a crackle from the center of the room, and one by one the projector lights popped on, the lights reflecting off the overhead dome in a sickly array of light.
“Ashur,” a mare whispered in the dark.
“Dagon,” hissed a second mare.
“Namtar,” moaned a third.
“Nibiru,” said a final, lighter voice.
In the pale light, four cloaked figures stood on the periphery of the room. Three adults and a foal, going by size.
Quite an entrance. Too bad for their side that now would have been a good time (just like most times) to just kill them, if that was where you were looking to end up, on sight, rather than make an entrance.
Scotch Tape blinked at the three adult zebras, then charged the only one her size. Without looking up from the paper, she jerked it aside at the last minute and left Scotch Tape sliding through empty air. “Hey, you! Fight me!” Scotch demanded. “Ain’t ya got spooky star stuff to spout at me?”
“Yeah yeah. Nibiru curse you. Whatever,” the zebra said, pulling back her hood enough to reveal a filly the same age. I was taken by how pretty she was for her age, despite the arcane markings on her delicate face. Even Scotch Tape gaped for a second. “Busy now.”
“D-Don’t you ignore me!” Scotch Tape yelled, her cheeks flaming, diving at her.
Okay, this one's my favorite. Almost wonder why she agreed to the whole appearing and naming their stars thing.
“Atropos, the signs don’t make any sense. This may not be the Maiden, but Nibiru is going nuts here! I don’t know who she is, but she’s not a nopony.” She shoved Scotch Tape away, her cloak flipping up around her shoulders. “And this one isn’t helping!” she snapped as she kept scrying the paper. “...and stop staring at my butt!”
Well, that would probably nix Cognitum's assumption that she was an impostor, if they were working with her at all, but we already knew this. Also, it sounds like Scotch went to the Littlepip school of combat awareness.
“Forever? That rocket is coming back, you know!” I yelled at them.
“And a balefire missile stands ready to greet her the instant she lands,” the one flinging red dust cackled. “One specially treated with our magics to disrupt any pitiful pony shield talismans she might try to defend herself with! She’ll be vaporized before she even realizes she was used! We shall rule forever!”
Nopony could have seen such a thing coming!
“Fly! Fly! Fast as you can! There’s nowhere to run when all is aflame!” She laughed madly. The billowing fire caught Glory, and she covered her head as she tumbled towards the ground, feathers and tail aflame.
A moment later, there was pop and then a hiss as water poured down from ceiling sprinklers. The dragon roared in agony before melting away, and Eurydale shrieked as her glowing red powder suddenly became so much dull red mud. “No! No!” she cried as Glory rose to her hooves, beam gun clenched in her jaws. The zebra flung globs of the soaked powder at Glory as she approached. “Dagon! Dagon, burn her! Burn them all!” She teared up as she stared at the red goop running down her hooves. “Dagon, why have you forsaken me?”
In fairness, Equestria wasn't known for non-hazardous workplaces. And it wouldn't be too strange to think the sprinkler system, even assuming it exists, wouldn't work any more. But man, brought down by the Colonel Mustang weakness? For shame. Gotta have a backup in that case. And the breakdown is just embarassing not only for her, but the others as well.
“The Legate is lying to you. Maybe there is some way to restore the Core without setting the Eater free. I can’t say it’s impossible. But I can tell you that he’s not interested in anyone ruling anything.” I pointed at the filly. “She can see the future, right? Well, can she see a future, any future, where all of you get exactly what he promised?”
Now that all eyes were on her, the filly stammered, “There are shadows. Always shadows. Just because I haven’t seen it doesn’t mean it’s not there... maybe...” She faltered.
Hey, it's a good argument. But still, it's not something you'd want to believe, right? So much better to get what you were promised than for the ancient abomination to be ressurected and everybody killed.
“The Eater eats the souls of Stars. It collects the souls of lesser beings to sing its praises for all of eternity. And when the Eater has consumed all the light that remains, the souls of all life will exist for nothing but aggrandizement of its own ego. Naturally, any sane,” and here she eyed the scarred and charred Eurydale, who was intently poking a ball of mud and whispering loudly ‘Dagon will burn you!’ with every jab, and heaved a sigh, “and many not-so-sane zebras, Starkatteri or not, know such a fate is punishment without end.”
Interesting. Fits with the "Hell" Blackjack experienced on second death. Wonder how much of Eurydale's situation she was aware of, but just needed to hope wouldn't come up during this encounter. Should point out, by the way, that that's just one more reason to just attack at the start.
“She spent the entire time staring at that map, and I didn’t lay a hoof on her!” She stared in the direction that the filly had gone.
“Especially not her rear,” I added with a smirk.
Scotch Tape glowered at me as she replied in icy tones, “Yes. Especially not that.” She stared at the door. “Enemies aren’t allowed to be cute like that!”
“Zebras are just like that sometimes,” I said, trying not to think of Lancer atop me.
Also happened with Caprice. Was the potential with Splendid. Not sure if it was ever brought up as such, but let's remember that Psychoshy probably has the body of a supermodel crossed with Rainbow Dash. And Blackjack sure seemed to think Rainbow Dash had a hot body, even if there was also the fact it was Glory.
Note to self: seeing the future is useful against your enemies!
The wisdom of Blackjack.
I practically shoved a healing potion down her throat, then unzipped the jacket and pressed my ear to her chest. “Don’t be dead. Don’t be dead. Don’t be dead,” I whispered over and over again.
I heard the beat of her heart. “Don’t you have a world to save?” she muttered. I lifted my head and saw her sad smile. “You know you’re better off with him,” she said quietly.
Note how much less Blackjack was distracted compared to if Glory hadn't broken up with her.
More seriously, Glory can certainly offer that opinion. But making that determination is really up to Blackjack, isn't it?
“Let me decide that. We’re all getting through this.
Oh hey.
“There’s a whole lot of them comin’! Zebras and ponies too!”
“P-21,” I said quickly. “Persuade them to take their time.
Ha! Probably the best pun of the chapter so far. (Hm. Looks like that doesn't involve grenades or Persuasion after all. Boo.)
Rocketry is supposed to be a calm, focused, deliberate use of technology. Not slapping things together, filling them with explosives, and just hoping they’ll work!”
Somebody needs to get on board that Science! matters as much in this setting as science. Or, perhaps more to the point, engineering and technical operations.
But there's nothing we can do about the one in the center. That’s an ESS-A1, the only one ever built before Equestria's space program lost funding for any new ships. It uses the finest MTRpg engines ever designed, with a TWR of–”
Oh, I know geeking is fun, but this just really isn't the time.
She patted my mane. “Don’t worry, Blackjack. I might not be Dash anymore, but I can reach you in a minute.”
How did I not like this? Let me count the ways. “Blackjack,” P-21 said gravely behind me.
“I’ll be fine,” she said as she stroked my mane. “Hurry. You don’t want to miss your flight.”
Ahem. I think you mean "stroked my mane, platonically." :D
I closed my eyes, feeling her hoof as it brushed my cheek [like friends so often do]. “Tomorrow,” I murmured.
“Tomorrow. Till then, do what you do best. Go,” she said, her hoof lingering a moment longer, and then she pulled away.
Not to echo the "what Littlepip does best" joke too much, but is that really the best thing so say there? Because one of the things she does really well is put herself in unnecessary danger because she's dealing with emotional stresses.
“Your baby?” Cognitum murred. Then her voice took on a purr that nearly made me bite the box. “It is you, isn’t it? How... interesting,” she said with a note of delight.
She . . . really shouldn't be delighted by that.
“I want my body back and I want my baby back.”
“And how is it to want? I wanted a body and my kingdom back for two hundred years. I dare say I’m handling it much better than you are now.
Fuck you.
And, let’s be honest, I am going to be a much better mother to my babies than you ever will be.” There was a pause. “Did you just bite the intercom?”
I wasn’t going to answer that, no matter how much my teeth hurt.
This was just hilarious. Really, great joke there.
“Face you? Dear Blackjack, I have a world to save. I don’t have time to indulge you,” she said silkily. . . .
“You are deranged,” Cognitum said disdainfully. “The Tokomare will be restored and the Core rebuilt, and we shall proceed into a glorious future. Too bad you are so mired in the past.”
That is an impressive amount of projection and general wrongness to fit in that amount of space.
Looking down at me sat the Legate, his eyes narrowed in mirth. “Time to die.”
Then his chest exploded. The Harbingers opened up on him, the Brood, and the Remnant with full automatic spray.
What!? You mean to say that each had planned to betray the other at the first convenient opportunity!? I'm shocked, shocked.
“You’re not the Maiden! She’s gone to the moon!” His eyes dug into me.
“Not yet, I haven’t,” I countered. I raised my hoof as I saw P-21 finish painting and signal me with a hoof wave. I swallowed, glad he couldn’t see me sweat. If this didn’t work... and there were so many ways it could fail... he’d stop talking and start trying to take me apart. I raised my hoof over my head. “Now, as Maiden of the Stars, I call on the skies to strike you down and smite you.” I paused, swallowing. “Right now!” His shock melted away into a smoldering rage. “Any second...” I said as I glared upwards. “Now, damn it!”
Don't you just hate it when that happens?
“It’s not just Xanthe and Lancer, is it? You’re afraid of me too. You’re afraid I’m the real thing, even if you thought you’d made the prophecy up, and even though you’re an immortal beast, you’re afraid I can stop you!” I said as I advanced, watching him fall back. “And best of all, if you’re afraid I can... then there’s a way.”
Lot of intensity there, and nice point made. 'Course, makes me think to a different form.
"Where there's a will, there's a way. And wherever I am, there is one hell of a will!"
As we speak, that fool is travelling to the moon. She carries the soul of the true Maiden within her, and without that, you cannot defeat the Eater of Souls. This world is done!”
Ah. Well, good thing you didn't kill her then, isn't it?
“Crap,” I muttered as I rose to my hooves. “He really doesn’t like the Maiden, does he?” I said to Sekashi, trying to sprint to the nearest launchpads.
“You are not the Maiden,” she said. “You are the Fool.”
Gambler, Maiden, Fool, lots of those coming up right now.
“It is not an insult. The Fool terrifies because not even the Fool knows what they can do! They gamble against odds no others would dare. They dance on the edge of the precipice because they can. They overcome where all other sensibility would fail. Tyrants have always feared the Fool, for they bring disaster and suffering for their plans. They are heroes without parallel and monsters without equal, because they do what they will, and damn the plans of others.”
Well, fits better than Cognitum's idea. Makes for better storytelling, too.
“That Starkatteri mare called me the Gambler, though,” I said with a little bafflement.
She gave a smile. “They are one and the other. The Fool plays at odds no wise person would dare. They are minions of chance, agents of chaos, and tools of discord.”
I'm still pretty skeptical about her being entirely an agent of chaos and discord. Compared to Cognitum, and depending on how you look at him, the Legate, sure, but compared to the Wasteland? Hell no.
“Then what is the Maiden?” I asked, making sure she could see my lips.
“Hope for some and despair for others,” she replied. “She breaks bonds and ruins fortunes. She challenges and overcomes, and breaks her enemies. She is, like the stars themselves, a catalyst.
Could also describe Blackjack. Also, in the continuing series of parallels between Blackjack and Littlepip: catalyst. Or, you might say, spark.
“I’m fine. I found a Reaper pony with a thingy and he said he’d tell everyone to get the fuck away.” She made a scrunchy face as she glowered towards the gap. “Reapers are really rude.”
Wow, Boo. Way to say that to a Reaper. Rude.
But more importantly: how do you make the scrunchy face cuter? Have Boo do it. Obviously.
We’d lost our zebra escorts in the second explosion, but it looked like the Brood were dwindling. He might have an endless supply of them, but that didn’t mean he had all of them here.
And although over time the number can be arbitrary, at a given point in time there is a maximum number covering both active and destroyed. And the more are destroyed at a point in time, the greater the absolute number of the remaining active must be devoted to getting the remains back to Trees of Life. Due to denominator effects, the proportion rises even faster.
Only then did I really realize how infuriated Scotch Tape must have felt fighting Pythia as his rear hoof deftly flicked my gun aside and smashed my temple, the blow sending me to the vibrating deck.
That seems like Blackjack's fault, though. I guess maybe she didn't have anything better to grab than Sexy, but running up to someone and hitting them with a massively oversized gun isn't really the intended use case.
“Flashbang,” he replied. The Legate immediately covered his face. I wasn’t going to waste this opportunity! Two three-round bursts sent him flipping out over the railing. One hoof grabbed the gantry, but a third burst blew the limb off at his shoulder. As he fell, I glanced down at the grenade.
“Dud?” I asked with a frown.
“No. I just trusted him to know more about flashbangs than you,” P-21 replied as he carefully picked up the grenade and tossed it over the edge. For a brief moment, I wondered if I’d been insulted or not, but I really didn’t have time to ponder the issue.
It's a good thing Blackjack wasn't paying attention to Farsight's story. Or forgot it, anyway. Or remembered it, but hadn't bothered to ask enough questions to know what the story was about, other than it ended with her being blind. Point is, yes, that was an insult.
The support twisted under the weight of the tower, the clamp still attached to the rocket pulled it away from the other two, and the great ship crumpled in the middle and toppled, smashing into pieces and a great pool of steaming liquid on the ground. “Maybe we can fix it?” I muttered as we backed away.
Well . . . maybe . . .
Then the puddles exploded, the bulwark going up and slicing the rocket in two just in time to save us from frying.
Okay, now it's time for this:![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 19 Mlfw501_130825235380](https://2img.net/h/pinkie.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw501_130825235380.jpg)
The last rocket… the last chance to stop Cognitum…
The entire world had grown oddly silent. I staggered away, reached an intercom box on some machine I couldn’t identify, and sat down hard. With no way to stop Cognitum... and no Folly... there was no way I could win. I pressed my head to the warm metal, trying to abate the throbbing in my head.
There's only one solution: when everything you've tried has failed, try harder! Well, it's the Blackjack plan. Better than the lie on a mattress plan.
His blood-red stripes seemed to glow with a light that outshone the roaring glare and chaos that reigned around him. Brood against Harbingers. Remnant verses Brood. Reapers fighting Remnant. Brood slaughtering Reapers.
Dammit, who missed the memo?
And in the eye of the madness, in the center of the grated hole of the ESS-A1’s launchpad, thin warm steam rising around him, stood the striped stallion.
And he was laughing.
It was a joyous laugh. A rolling, ragged, elated laugh finally free of the constraints of discipline, like a slurry of madness and hateful delight was pouring out of him, and he spread his hooves wide and whirled. Head thrown back, mane snapping in the wild winds tearing around the launch pad, he shrieked in glee, reveling in the slaughter all around him. He wasn’t killing a single pony or zebra himself; he celebrated like a child who’d successfully destroyed a deep friendship out of petty spite because he had no such solace.
Over the top and beautifully rendered. Like the concluding simile quite a bit.
He whirled around, but this time I reversed my swing immediately, keeping the metal between him and me, and he slammed his foreleg against the stout barrel. I was rewarded with the sight of his foreleg bending like clay around the metal with a crackling noise like snapping plywood, but even more satisfying was the look of shock on his face.
Do not doubt the power of the Named Weapon.
I looked down into the bloody ruin of his chest cavity and saw his heart. It reminded me of the phoenix talisman, but carved from a dark stone. Spiral runes and zebra glyphs decorated its surface. Attached to it was what looked vaguely like a PipBuck broadcaster made of starmetal, red and green lights flashing on it, with spikes wired directly into the stone.
Pity she doesn't have the starmetal sword with her.
“Right now, I am sending every Brood I have to blast her to pieces. I might have them play with her a little. Indoctrinate her into your and P-21’s little club.” He face reformed enough to make a leer.
Pig. But then, it's something he has in common with Cognitum, maybe even Steel Rain.
“You can’t shoot evil to death, Blackjack. You just have to do better.”
But one of those is so much easier (and more satisfying) than the other!
“Discord.” My lips curved in a smile.
The mirth and malice disappeared as he stared at me. I rose, delighting in the opportunity to see my foe in mental anguish. It was a heady drug. “No,” he said. “No, you can’t. He didn’t… you can’t be. You were broken!” he spat as his pupils shrank. “The stars never lie!”
True, maybe, but mortals can misinterpret their messages.
“No! That’s impossible!” he roared up at me, all mirth gone. “You’re trapped here.”
He's been using that word a lot lately. I do not think it means what he thinks it means.
“Discord could do it. Uncle Discord saved Blackjack,” Boo said with a fond smile. “Even if he had to die, he did it.” Funny how much love one mare’s eyes could have for one of Equestria’s ‘villains’. I couldn't say I didn't feel the same.
Well, it's entirely possible for someone to be a villain at one point, and a benefactor or hero at a later point (or the reverse). See Fish, Go.
That device... that thing he had wired to his heart! That had to be how he controlled the Brood. And maybe much more. Our eyes locked, and I saw such malice it stunned me. He’d use anything to kill me. Anything at all...
Oh shit. “You’re going to launch the missile,” I whispered. His eyes narrowed as his smile widened.
Yeah, not as nice being on the receiving end of that trick. And being on the giving end didn't work out that well for her.
“Boo!” I called as I turned to them. I had to trust her luck. “You have to find Big Daddy and Lancer. Tell them that the missile is on its way now!”
“But I wanna go with you!” Boo wailed. “I just got back!”
“If you don’t, hundreds are going to die!” I said as I turned and faced her. “I need you to do it. You’re the only one lucky enough to pull it off!” I pulled her close and gave her a fierce hug. “You’re a big girl, Boo. I’m so proud of you. Now find them. Get them out of here as fast as you can.”
This feels like a parallel to Blackjack needing to leave Stable 99 with EC-1101, but with the decision and acceptance roles switched from daughter/mother to mother/daughter.
Boo hugged me back and sniffed, “Come back quick, Mama. Come back safe.” And then she was gone, running back as quickly as she could.
Okay: Boo is Blackjack's Spike.
Before his face could fully regenerate, I smashed the bottles between my hooves and telekinetically flung the shards into it.
I figured glass inside regenerating eyeballs had to count for something, and it did.
She's really taken a liking to that move.
“Even without augmentations, you fight well,” he said as his eyes narrowed. Then he turned his head and looked right at the Propoli trying to get the rocket ready to fly. “They don’t.”
Fuck.
I grabbed the dismembered leg with my magic as it slowly started to return, wrapping my hooves around the length and letting it drag me after him.
Okay, that's clever.
His rear hoof hammered back, smashing my forelegs again, and I felt bones snapping. I needed a healing potion before he crippled me; I took a chance, released his tail, and gulped two down.
Yeah, having plentiful healing potions is kind of a tension problem. Especially since to use them for tension would require tracking the number started with and used, or announcing the amounts remaining all the time. Limiting the supply with Enervation was a great call.
I had them half drained when his hoof flashed out and shattered them against my teeth. I screamed then as my mouth tried to expel bloody glass while healing at the same time.
Ooh, another reversal!
No more wasting my time with this annoying, futile hope! I am the chosen one! Supreme! Invincible!”
I am the one, the only one; I am the god of Kingdome Come, gimme the prize!
I had to drink a healing potion just to see clearly, wiping the blood out of my eyes and spitting out a shard of glass stuck in my tongue, then approached the Legate.
No, dumbass, just go to the rocket.
Some of the freezing fluid was still dribbling down his body, and I could hear little creaks and pops. “Invincible this,” I said, and swung the bar with all my strength. The Legate’s limbs shattered, falling into the puddle of freezing fluids, breaking like a delicate figurine upon the ground.
Okay, that was acceptable. However, I'd like to point out the irony of "breaking like a delicate figurine," when the "figurines" most brought up in the story are just this side of indestructible.
“Are you okay?” Magical interference be damned, if the answer was no, I was going to break the laws of physics and magic to bring her back safely.
Note the incredible success Glory had in keeping Blackjack focused on the mission by breaking up with her.
Almost instantly, a unicorn Brood teleported into the room.
They get to teleport? Lame.
I rose to my hooves as Scotch Tape strapped herself in as well. “Hang tight. I’ll be right there!” I said as I started towards the door.
It swung shut in my face. There was the sound of bolts being driven into the hatch with whirring noise.
I slammed my hooves against the metal. “What’s going on?” I shouted, slamming my hooves against it, looking around for the doorknob as I heard the bolts thunk shut. “Glory!”
So, I really liked the effect here, of Glory making sure that Blackjack couldn't get out to rescue her, forcing her to stay where she was needed. The enforced double-sacrifice, both of Glory herself and Blackjack's drive to save her friends. But yet more, it's putting Blackjack into the position that she had repeatedly placed Glory in.
Then I realized that sealing Blackjack in the rocket was symbolically pretty similar to tying her up one last time, and basically had to react with "goddammit, brain, this isn't the time for that!" (In my defense, in this chapter Tenebra had talked about Glory finally giving up trying to tie her up, and Glory had made a bondage joke at Blackjack's expense when she was tangled up in her parachute.)
“Open this thing, Scotch!” I said, looking at all the knobs and levers. I whipped my head around and screamed, “Open it right now! I have to get to her!”
Scotch Tape stared at me. Tears streaked her cheeks as she stared from me to the shivering P-21. “Do it!” I screamed at her.
“No,” P-21 said through his chattering teeth.
“I’d do it for you!” I yelled at him. “I’d do it for you, Scotch!” I snapped at the stricken filly.
“And she is doing it for you,” he answered, tears streaking the lingering frost on his cheeks. “Just like we would do it for you.”
"It isn't always about you, Blackjack."
No. No no no! “I don’t want anyone to die for me!” I said as I slammed my shoulder against the hatch. Where was the ‘emergency open’? Something! “Glory!” I sobbed.
And yet, sometimes you need to look at what they want, or even what everyone needs.
“I’ve checked the flight path. You're going to get to the Lunar Palace a little behind Cognitum.”
Moving to clinical. I get it.
“No!” I shouted, my hooves beating against the metal.
Thank you, season five. Though I kind of feel bad for injecting that levity there.![[GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion - Page 19 864658__safe_rarity_applejack_animated_screencap_cute_adorable_hoofy-dash-kicks_discovery+family_behaving+like+a+cat](https://derpicdn.net/img/view/2015/4/4/864658__safe_rarity_applejack_animated_screencap_cute_adorable_hoofy-dash-kicks_discovery+family_behaving+like+a+cat.gif)
I stretched a hoof towards the monitor as I saw her slump. There was blood in the corner of her mouth, one wing shot clean through and dangling beside her as if about to fall off.
That was a great call-back.
I collapsed to the floor, reaching towards her, straining my hoof to touch the glass. She placed hers over mine, two ponies separated by a pane of cold glass. I stared, willing the glass to dissolve, for her to come tumbling through, tears streaking down my face.
“Blackjack,” she murmured, smiling as she wept. “Tomorrow.”
Still gets me.
Outside the windows, the world grew light, a sunrise from below. The monitor went dark. I squeezed my eyes shut.
And I missed that the first time: a sunrise, just like Glory's cutie mark.
Icy Shake- Alicorn
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Tue Apr 28, 2015 1:05 am
- Chapter Seventy One Overall Thoughts:
- Okay, so there's a pretty profound switch here from the last couple of chapters, maybe even so far back as the mid-sixties. We're back in action mode from pretty early on. But before that, the opening does something unusual with the narrative voice. It's shifted from Blackjack's normal first-person narration to her thinking about herself as a ghost haunting Star House, in the third person (as "the ghost," not "Blackjack"). So there's a degree of detatchedness there, which parallels the way that Blackjack's journey to stop Horizons will leave her separated from most of the people there very soon. But the detatchment itself isn't entirely abnormal for opening a chapter. Rather, the kind of detatchment is different. More often, Blackjack is more reflective on opening, or perhaps philosophical, leaving the narrative detatched from the immediate flow of events. In this case, the action is still happening, but in a different emotional state, with some superficial elements like when Blackjack was taken over by the Goddess and had elements of her personality and memories stripped away. It's an interesting change from the norm, but also delivers some nice details along the way, beyond the stylistic change-up. Notably, Tenebra is talking with Glory, and it's sounding like the break was less clear-cut than originally portrayed: Tenebra says she can see that Glory still cares for Blackjack in a way she said she didn't, and Glory indicates that at least some of the motivation was that she didn't want to be a distraction for Blackjack, “Blackjack… needs to get through this. I can’t be both her special somepony and come along and help her. She gets distracted, and I don’t want to compromise her. When everything is all done… when it’s all done, then we’ll see.” Then there's a shift back to the normal form when Boo talks to Blackjack, asking her not to die, not to die first. And it's a rough thing for Blackjack, since that's still kind of what she wants; even if it's not as much in the sense she's actively self-destructive, Blackjack doesn't want to have to see anyone else she cares about die.
But it's broken as Lancer, Sekashi, and Majina arrive, bearing bad news: Cognitum will be leaving ahead of schedule. The troops are rallied, but the unique nature of Blackjack and company's mission, stopping Cognitum herself and getting to the moon, mean they're going in separately. But first, there's some added backstory about Sekashi and the Legate. One day, she saw him after he healed from some burns, and saw that his stripes where the burn was were red. This prompted her to run a test, asking him one night to take off his dragon skull helmet during sex. Thinking she couldn't see him in the darkness, he did, but she had a talisman to grant night vision, and saw that he had the marks of the Starkatteri. Now, this seems a bit strange to me, not that he had both types of abnormality, but that Sekashi's thought would jump from Proditor (the red) to Starkatteri (the sky-chart designs). Maybe it has something to do with the story of Orion the Immortal, or the fact that according to some headcanon Somber shared on Reddit it was extremely unusual for a Proditor, even one who was forced into the red stripes rather than taking them by choice, and "seen as grotesquely cowardly or dishonest." She also contradicts Blackjack on the idea that Amadi just made the prophesy of the Maiden of Stars up; no zebra, not even a Starkatteri, would do such a thing, and the prophesy will come to pass, even if not in the form anyone in particular was expecting. On the way out, Blackjack tells Goldenblood of a secret weapon available, but declines to share more details with the audience (or Whisper) apart from the fact it's not another megaspell.
So. Blackjack, P-21, Glory, and Boo make up the insertion team, and are teleported above the Luna Space Center by some alicorns, but find they can't then teleport down due to some form of magical interference. So, they're parachuting. Blackjack isn't a fan. On landing, everyone but Blackjack works to take out a few Brood, notably featuring Boo showing that she can control chaos in a way similar to how Discord had while occupying her, basically by making the enemies around her unlucky and clumsy enough to fail to hurt her and instead to harm themselves. She calls it "playing" with them. Scotch makes some supporting contributions, but doesn't really have the hang of it yet despite going against significantly mechanical opponents in the Brood. Leads to some father/daughter teaching, which is nice. They move into the building, and soon Blackjack has a chance to contribute, using the IF-88 on full auto to tear half a dozen Brood to pieces in just a second while in a hallway. It inspires her to name it "Sexy," which I think is great for her. But they're soon stymied by the fact that they just don't know where to go, until Blackjack decides to just ask Boo to tell them what path to take.
But soon, Blackjack, Glory, and P-21 are cut off from Boo after entering a room, as the door closed. They meet four zebras, Starkatteri. Each is associated with a form of magic and a star, at least three of which had been included in the Legate's appeal to the stars to determine if anything had changed due to Discord's interference. Atropos is very old, named after the eldest of the Greek Fates, associated with Ashur, and uses ice magic; Pythia is the youngest, Scotch's age, named for the title of the Oracle of Delphi, works with prophesy, and is connected to Nibiru; Eurydale, named (I believe) for one of the Gorgons, uses fire (and has the burns to show for it) and calls on Dagon; Scylla is named for the monster of the strait, works with some kind of balefire powder that releases a ton of radiation when it goes of, and is associated with Namtar. There's a fight started, with Atropos quickly freezing Sexy and kind of running interference for the rest, Eurydale sending fire dragons after Glory, P-21 battling Scylla, and Scotch trying to get to Pythia, who is scrying the whole time yet still able to get a lot of hits in on Scotch, while taking none herself. But it's okay, because Scotch took Littlepip's true lesson to heart and spent a good chunk of the time staring at Pythia's ass. In time, Eurydale causes the sprinklers to go off, shutting her down (and leading to practically a mental break) like Colonel Mustang. There's a break, and Black uses it to get Atropos talking. They're all working with the Legate, under the idea that they'll be pulling the strings as he rules from the Maiden's city. Blackjack informs them about the Legate's plan to revive the Eater of Souls, something that's not at all on the Starkatteri's agenda; they also point out that they couldn't do the ritual again, with only the five of them (counting the Legate) left, as it takes hundreds to summon a star spirit. But they didn't know about the star Goldenblood had attached to Tom, and upon also thinking about how little Amadi had ever said about specific plans after taking over, they decide to hold up and think about things. Pythia scries again and determines that Blackjack isn't some nobody, even if she isn't the Maiden of Stars; she's convinced now Blackjack isn't a copy, but the real deal, the Gambler who was supposed to be dead. The Starkatteri back off to decide what to do, and Pythia gives Blackjack a parting gift of times when they should hide to avoid Brood patrols (they all work).
So they meet up with Boo again and make it to the control room, and clear it of Brood (who can talk now), at least for the moment. Sadly, one of the rockets can't be stopped from there, as it's pretty self-contained. That's the one Cognitum is taking, at least as a first try. Another had exploded, and one was encased in ice, but three others still intact could be prevented from launching from the control room. So, Blackjack, P-21, and Boo go out to stop Cognitum, with Glory staying behind to guard the room since she was the one best able to get from there to whatever rocket they'll be taking up in a timely manner, with teleportation locked down. Blackjack reaches Cognitum in time to talk to her on the intercom, but not to stop her or get her to come down and fight. I guess there are some limits to Cogs's failings. The rocket takes off, leaving our heroes to get on one of the remaining rockets and stop her on the moon. That's where the Legate (and supporting Brood, Harbingers, and Remnant) comes in. The Legate wants to stop her, but the Harbingers want to kill him. Blackjack goes diplomacy on the Remnant, to convince them that, one, she is the Maiden of Stars, and two, the Legate is a Starkatteri who has betrayed them all. It's going well, as she's able to bait him with his real name, stuff about Discord, the stars. But when she tries to call down fire from the heavens on him, it's just taking a while and the crowd starts to turn against her. But it was a trick (even if the finishing touch was late): the goal was setting up a giant flaming sign pointing out the Legate so that a Raptor could fire on him. Which one eventually did. When he regenerated, his stripes were once again red, just like in Sekashi's story, and his face was revealed to have Starkatteri markings when his helmet was removed. So that helped get the Remnant on Blackjack's side. Cue fight with Legate, which destroys the three remaining rockets before he's trapped reforming around a big metal grate. Along the way, Blackjack's torn open his chest to reveal a soul jar operating like the phoenix talisman and a device she believes he's using to control the Brood. But she's by that point heard she can use the now-formerly iced over rocket to follow Cognitum, and tells him so. Mistake, since it prompts him to launch the balefire bomb he'd had aimed at the facility for when Cognitum returned. So the race is on again, as the Legate escapes to try to keep them from getting on an launching the rocket. He's stymied enough to get the job done, a bunch of LOX doing the final touch. In the interim, Blackjack's met up with one of the zebra technicians to pass along the news about the balefire missile, but also Sekashi, who shed a little more light on some of the mysticism of the chapter. Blackjack is not, or not yet, the Maiden of Stars, which is a key point since the Legate has claimed it is only she who can threaten him; no, Blackjack is the Fool, or as Pythia had said, the Gambler, an agent of chaos making bets no other would dare and able to mess things up all around by winning big or flaming out. So, with that point built on a bit more, the three, Blackjack, P-21, and Scotch, with Boo having been sent off to warn others about the incoming missile a second time (the first time was just for the fact the missile existed) and Glory still in the command center, finally get in a rocket preparing to leave Equus behind.
They contact Glory, but she can't leave; the Brood are there in force, and she doesn't know how to set things so that they wouldn't be able to halt the countdown after she left. And there's not time, anyway, with the missile set to arrive within the minuete. She's taking a lot of punishment, but there are gaps where she can talk. She closes Blackjack into the rocket, and refuses to let her out. Blackjack pleads for her to come, begs P-21 and Scotch to open the door; one of my favorite parts of the chapter is here:
It's packing a lot in right there. There's Blackjack's general need to take action, of course, and it goes without saying that she'd have done the same for P-21 or Scotch; but I don't think they're the only ones she'd do it for. She's always been bad at this sort of setup, or even explicit hostage scenarios. She may be able to hold back and do the right thing for the bigger picture in some cases, but she has a powerful desire to save every single person, which has plenty of times been detrimental to saving as many as possible. It all ties in to how she's more emotionally than logically driven, and in some respects very selfish. "And she is doing it for you" and on covers both how Blackjack is pained to see anyone she cares about die, as well as possibly the implicit longstanding feeling that she wasn't worthy of others making sacrifices on her behalf. There's plenty more to the end, of course, but I'll just highlight some things I think were meant to be emotional cues via things other than dialog and Blackjack communicating her feelings directly. The cold and controlled voice of the computer, never straying from its script, meant to serve as a point of contrast. "There was blood in the corner of her mouth, one wing shot clean through and dangling beside her as if about to fall off." seems like a callback to Glory losing her wing in the tunnels. "I collapsed to the floor, reaching towards her, straining my hoof to touch the glass. She placed hers over mine, two ponies separated by a pane of cold glass." echoes when Glory was being branded a Dashite so long ago, when they were also in rooms separated by glass, but in that case only Blackjack touching the "window," and pounding on it instead of reaching out through it. "Outside the windows, the world grew light, a sunrise from below. The monitor went dark. I squeezed my eyes shut." brings Glory's cutie mark, a sunrise, into the picture as she's perishing.“Open it right now! I have to get to her!”
Scotch Tape stared at me. Tears streaked her cheeks as she stared from me to the shivering P-21. “Do it!” I screamed at her.
“No,” P-21 said through his chattering teeth.
“I’d do it for you!” I yelled at him. “I’d do it for you, Scotch!” I snapped at the stricken filly.
“And she is doing it for you,” he answered, tears streaking the lingering frost on his cheeks. “Just like we would do it for you.”
No. No no no! “I don’t want anyone to die for me!”
So yes; back to action, with a decent amount covered in plot terms, before even considering the start of the more general battle. There's new information about the setting and the people in it via Sekashi and the Starkatteri, and even a bit of history with the space program. Some ideas about post-Goddess alicorns. Boo calling Blackjack "Mama," during a scene when Blackjack was sending her away to warn others about the missile, which I thought felt like an inverted reprise of Blackjack volunteering (and her mother accepting, reluctantly) to run from Stable 99 with EC-1101 to draw away Deus. Tenebra and Glory. Boo But it's all overshadowed by Glory's apparent death, even as Blackjack will cling to hope and see some things possibly indicating otherwise over the following chapters. And that was something I really didn't see coming: I had pretty strongly expected Glory to live, no ifs about it, because of the breakup. I wasn't anticipating that the plot thread, one of the most important relationships in the story, would be cut off like that with so much unresolved. But there you go, and that very fact was able to amp up the emotional impact, especially since Glory's retreat from the hard, final "we're just friends now" and "I don't love you" from the last chapter to "we'll see" was opening up more room to believe in a full reconciliation. But such an end to a chapter, and a huge contrast to the stunning, unexpected success in getting off planet after everything seemed to be hopeless.
- Chapter Seventy One Editing:
- Carefully, her head was raised, and an old pillow abandoned on the floor was slid under her head.
suggest replacing second "her head" with "it"
Glory was silent for a moment, “You’re more than
comma should be period, or speech tag needed
“Thankfully no,” Sekashi said.
comma after "thankfully"
“Something that will help us get onto the roof if Plan B doesn’t work,” Glory said.
“What exactly is Plan B?” I asked with a frown.
hapless wandering, we never actually got down there. So Plan B.
they’d teleport down. That was Plan B, right?
most cases of "plan [x]" throughout the story haven't capitalized the "plan"
P-21’s chute popped open, then Scotch Tape’s and finally Boo’s.
comma after "Tape's"
which would have probably have involved either some horrible attempt to parlay our way in,
I believe that should be "parley", not "parlay"
A crown of burnished silver and rubies rest atop her head.
"rested"
“Told you. Busy now,” she said as she looked at the old zebra.
"zebras", I think
Her mane, tail, and feathers were badly scorched, but the jacket had seemed to protect the rest of her.
suggest change to "jacket seemed to have protected". "had seemed to protect" would be talking about observing it as it happened, and looking back to that, where this looks like it's based on observation in the present, and inferring the protection from her current state
“How’d you get over on this side though?” I asked with a frown.
comma after "side"
For all I knew, that green powder was what Balefire eggs were made from!
"Balefire" shouldn't be capitalized
“We require reinforcements,” I heard one of the two Brood mares say in Silver Stripe’s monotone.
I don't remember Silver Stripe ever being described as having a monotone. I don't think her Great and Powerful Oz routine would work that well in a monotone, and she's, for instance, "laughed brightly." Maybe change to "a robotic monotone"?
“Aural communication fallback protocols enabled,” they replied dryly in unison.
I think this might be more correct as "Oral", since it's about speech rather than hearing.
The filly tackled the zebra at the intercom, throwing her forelegs around his neck and chomping on his ear.
I practically shoved a healing potion down her throat, then unzipped the jacket and pressed my ear to her chest.
suggest changing "her" to "Glory's"
There are magical fields that raise prior to launch.
"rise", but dialog
Glory shook her head. “No. You couldn’t get back in time,” she said with a shake of her head.
one of those should go. suggest the first since the second is part of the transition between quotations
“Yer sending me away again,” she pouted.
"pout" isn't really a speaking verb: suggest "said with a pout" or some such
The rest of us quickly made our way past them the smaller pads towards the center.
delete "them"
The Legate jerked and danced in the air as if he was being electrocuted, but he did not fall.
"was" to "were"?
That suits me just fine. Ante Up.”
"Up" shouldn't be capitalized
I jumped, rolling across the talismans moments before the bulwark raised… mostly.
suggest "rose"
the whole leg burst into flame for few seconds before I could slap out the barding.
"for a few seconds"
P-21 lifted Persuasion, did something to the grenade in the breach,
I believe that should be "breech"
us from frying. I looked at the
only one space after period
been damaged by the fall. The last rocket
only one space after period
The shots bounced off wildly, scraping tissue off the heart's surface but no faster than it was regenerated.
comma after "surface"
Indoctrinate her into your and P-21’s little club.”
dialog, but should that be "Initiate"?
bouncing across the grate. “He talks too
only one space after period
and his bent hoof, bones jutting from the limb, pulled the weapon aside and smashed his face against mine.
need a "he" or something ("and he smashed his face"), because right now it's saying that he used his hoof to smash his face into hers.
- Other Editing:
- 13:
“It’s my mark… the mark of all who leave the Enclave. I’m a dashite.”
"dashite" should be capitalized
I’d seen the mark less than an hour ago, burned into the flank of the dashite prisoner.
"dashite" should be capitalized
and lightning bolt within. A dashite symbol.
"dashite" should be capitalized
“I’m not a dashite. I’m not like her.”
"dashite" should be capitalized
“Thanks Blackjack,” she whispered softly,
comma after "Thanks"
14:
eyes glowing right now. Before I’d gotten
only one space after period
and sweet Celestia, how the heck does this machine know what is supposed to be a note
"does" should be "did"
“Fuck!” I shouted and slammed my head against the side of the terminal. “Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” I shouted over and over again.
should have only one space after quotation in each case
I rose and looked at the name over the doorway: ‘Colonel Cupcake’.
should have only one space after colon
Some mare had taken him to security, given him his twenty-first dot, and stuck a needle in his neck till he bled out into a jar.
That should be "medical," not "security," right? (chapter 1 says they report to medical or security, but I figured in the latter case they were then taken to medical since that's who did it) And should that bleeding out be part of it? I guess it could be covered by "shot" and "chemical retirement" but it seems a little in conflict with Blackjack thinking getting beaten to death was inhumane: would that be much worse than chemical-indused hemorraging?
I wanted to black out. Glory jumped back
only one space after period
The dead dashite whose name I’d never known.
"dashite" should be capitalized
I whispered into the still room to the motherfucker with the cards as tears ran down my cheek.
suggest changing to "cheeks"
He just looked at me with the softest of grandfatherly smiles.
"grandfatherly" might not be the best choice following up stressing how "father" wasn't really something she was used to, or "husband and wife," or stallions retiring to follow their own interests, and a stallion living long enough to live at the same time as his grandchildren would probably have been unheard of
“It’s all I know. They might have put a brand on me, but I don’t know what it means to be a dashite,”
"dashite" should be capitalized
“Better,” I replied, slapping in a freshly loaded clip of bright red rounds.
should probably be "magazine" instead of "clip"
“What?” I asked with a crooked smile as I loaded a fresh clip and raised the carbine.
should probably be "magazine" instead of "clip"
Damn, but it felt good to be in an honest to goodness fight.
"honest to goodness" should be hyphenated
“Eat this!” I shouted as my magic gripped the next tossed stick of dynamite and floated it right over to one of the gunpony’s heads.
I believe that should be "gunponies' heads"
“Are you all right?” Glory asked, wide-eyed
should have only one space after quotation
Normally I wouldn’t have cared... but the mark said: ‘Stable 90’.
suggest dropping the colon
skywagon accident three days ago. I’d been told the stable
only one space after period
Yeah. Did I mention
only one space after period
the ponies are dead. They’ve made
only one space after period
My last Fancy Buck Cake. It’s
only one space after period
Thought of ending it… don’t deserve the quick end.
should have only one space after ellipsis
trapped outside the stable door... No, they’d had a
should have second space after ellipsis
I suggested with a grin. “I can take
only one space after period
“I didn’t make ponies and zebra go to war.
I think that should be "zebras," but it's dialog
Talking toys is where I draw the line!
"was/were where I drew"
“Don’t worry. It’s the least I can
only one space after period
She sighed and then smiled, “I also found an Ironshod Firearms catalogue.”
comma should be period, or needs speech tag
She’s beautiful. Maybe that was a strange thought to have,
suggest italicizing "She's beautiful," or splitting to "She was beautiful."
One picture showed Applejack next to a green earth pony buck, her large hat blocked my view of his face.
"blocked" should be "blocking"
“Huh…” I said as I looked at all the pipes and
should have only one space after quotation
and slapped in a clip of armor piercing bullets.
I think that should be "magazine"
“Ante up!” I shouted as I took aim at the pipes and sprayed the clip back and forth.
I think that should be "magazine"
with a cry like a possessed tea kettle
"tea kettle" should be one word
each beat took an eternity as if I was swimming through S.A.T.S.
"was" to "were"?
My magic reached out and precisely ejected the clip as he fired.
I think that should be "magazine"
And last time I trusted somepony to ‘help’ me, a lot of innocent zebra died.
I think that should be "zebras," but it's dialog
16:
Branded her a dashite to discredit her when we found out they were making some plague weapon.”
"dashite" should be capitalized
17:
Do you know what a family member turning dashite will do to them?”
"dashite" should be capitalized
And every single time some pegasus goes dashite they completely destroy everything Rainbow Dash wanted to do.
"dashite" should be capitalized
And every time there’s a report mentioning ‘the dashite Morning Glory’,
"dashite" should be capitalized
Every time a news release talks about dashites, Lambent and Lucent will suffer the mutters and
"dashites" should be capitalized
“I think it’s a dashite-esque enough name.
"dashite" should be capitalized
19:
It was for that nameless dashite, for those infected farmers, for Hoss and Granny Smith and Macintosh and Maripony and all the fallen Marauders.
"dashite" should be capitalized
20:
I knew that dashite was just itching to tell us her true contempt for the Enclave.
"dashite" should be capitalized (in-context, though)
Clearly, she wasn’t reading them all, just signing on the ‘X’s’.
to match other cases I don't think you want the quotation marks on " X's "
22:
I had an honest to goodness marefriend and an
"honest to goodness" should be hyphenated
23:
Where could a dashite go in this world?
"dashite" should be capitalized
24:
Then there’s Calamity, a dashite with a real beef against raiders.
"dashite" should be capitalized
I looked at her; this was how pegasi became dashites.
"dashites" should be capitalized
25:
“Think you’ll be the one to pull it off, dashite?”
“I’m not a dashite,” Glory replied, her purple eyes narrowing.
"dashite" should be capitalized
26:
As fast as lightning, he caught the bullet in his teeth and spit it back into the rifle breach.
I believe that should be "breech"
27:
“You seriously think the Volunteer Corps is going to help you? Your friend is a dashite.
"dashite" should be capitalized
“I don’t see your dashite friend. A report was filed that she was dead, but, oddly enough, every report on your activities always has you in the company of a gray dashite with a purple mane and matching eyes.”
"dashite" should be capitalized
I’m dying to know how you and that dashite travelled without being detected,”
"dashite" should be capitalized
“But she’s not a dashite, Wind Whisper.
"dashite" should be capitalized
“If she wanted my help she shouldn’t have become a dashite!” Dusk yelled in my face.
"dashite" should be capitalized
Dusk is always a hardass, especially when it comes to dashites.
"dashite" should be capitalized
“Oh, her mom, Dawn, went dashite ten years ago,” she said calmly.
"dashite" should be capitalized
Sometimes dashites have foals, or you’ll get a throwback or something.
"dashite" should be capitalized
“But she went dashite?” I asked. Dancer nodded, looking a little uncomfortable. “Why?”
"dashite" should be capitalized
Councilbuck’s wife going dashite… it was pretty bad for her family for a while.”
"dashite" should be capitalized
32:
“Relax. I excel at Plan D,” Rampage said modestly.
"Plan" shouldn't be capitalized
33:
they went through with Plan A after all.
"Plan" shouldn't be capitalized
What was next, Balefire artillery?
"Balefire" shouldn't be capitalized
“Welcome to the future,” he said coldly as he loaded a silver bullet into the breach and clapped it closed.
I believe that should be "breech"
37:
No… no no no… they turned me into a dashite… a dashite!
"dashite" should be capitalized
38:
Okay… time for Plan D.
"Plan" shouldn't be capitalized
40:
Being a dashite was better than being a Dash!
"dashite" should be capitalized
42:
Dunno if she was a dashite or just got killed by the prisoners before she could get away.
"dashite" should be capitalized
50:
I didn’t come to the surface as a dashite.
"dashite" should be capitalized
52:
It earned me my cutie mark,” she said as she looked at her flank and the dashite brand.
"dashite" should be capitalized
53:
“THE GODDESS HAS COME TO PARLAY WITH THE GRAND PEGASUS ENCLAVE!”
I believe "parlay" should be "parley"
58:
His Balefire bomb? Could LittlePip actually talk him into surrendering it?
"Balefire" shouldn't be capitalized
Finally though, the Goddess latched onto two words in LittlePip’s mind… ‘Balefire bomb’.
I don't think "Balefire" should be capitalized. If so, should there be second space after ellipsis?
62.1:
I suspected that he was now a de facto dashite.
"dashite" should be capitalized
66:
“The world of shadow is not affected by such things. Balefire Bombs.
"Bombs" shouldn't be capitalized
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Tue Apr 28, 2015 7:10 am
@Icy Shake:
Ah, thank you very much as always.
I'd already gotten the "dashite"s in 13; I suspect that the copy you were using may have been out of date. Not a problem, though.
Oh, and also changing "verses" to "versus". :D
You do have a nice point about the cutie mark relation, though.
Ah, thank you very much as always.
I'd already gotten the "dashite"s in 13; I suspect that the copy you were using may have been out of date. Not a problem, though.
Medical, yes, and I've changed "a needle in his neck till he bled out into a jar" to "a needle full of drugs in his neck".Icy Shake wrote:That should be "medical," not "security," right? (chapter 1 says they report to medical or security, but I figured in the latter case they were then taken to medical since that's who did it) And should that bleeding out be part of it? I guess it could be covered by "shot" and "chemical retirement" but it seems a little in conflict with Blackjack thinking getting beaten to death was inhumane: would that be much worse than chemical-indused hemorraging?
Icy Shake wrote:I believe that should be "breech"
My dictionary agrees with you; thanks!Icy Shake wrote:I believe "parlay" should be "parley"
There were even inconsistencies within that chapter, it looks like.Icy Shake wrote:most cases of "plan [x]" throughout the story haven't capitalized the "plan"
No, but the wording was indeed flawed; I can see why you got confused. Thanks. "as she" has been changed to ", then"; the first bit of dialogue was Pythia speaking to Scotch, the second Pythia speaking to Atropos.Icy Shake wrote:“Told you. Busy now,” she said as she looked at the old zebra.
"zebras", I think
Aye; not sure how that got through.Icy Shake wrote:"had seemed to protect" would be talking about observing it as it happened, and looking back to that, where this looks like it's based on observation in the present, and inferring the protection from her current state
I've changed it to "a robotic monotone of Silver Stripe’s voice".Icy Shake wrote:I don't remember Silver Stripe ever being described as having a monotone. I don't think her Great and Powerful Oz routine would work that well in a monotone, and she's, for instance, "laughed brightly." Maybe change to "a robotic monotone"?
I think "raise" was fine, but I decided to change it to "activate" just in case.Icy Shake wrote:"rise", but dialog
Hm... I disagree, sorry.Icy Shake wrote:comma after "surface"
I've changed it to "aside so he could smash".Icy Shake wrote:need a "he" or something ("and he smashed his face"), because right now it's saying that he used his hoof to smash his face into hers.
That... does seem odd, yes. Not sure what's going on there.Icy Shake wrote:I confess, I don't really follow here. The prophesy being in some sense legit, yeah, I get that. But why would Princess Luna "strike down the city of evil," Hoofington, Nightmare Moon's own city? There's evil, and then there's "Wait . . . what was your plan again?"
:)Icy Shake wrote:But more importantly: how do you make the scrunchy face cuter? Have Boo do it. Obviously.
Oops. I'll take that out. I recall there being a lot of shuffling around in that chapter, and I suspect that this was a ripple.Icy Shake wrote:Dammit, who missed the memo?
Oh, and also changing "verses" to "versus". :D
...Just checking, because your wording is a bit unclear: you got that that was actually referring to the missile's warhead detonating, right? If not, do you think it needs rewording?Icy Shake wrote:And I missed that the first time: a sunrise, just like Glory's cutie mark.
You do have a nice point about the cutie mark relation, though.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by atikin Tue Apr 28, 2015 2:25 pm
Maybe someone asked if before, but anyway, Somber, how many chapters are there suppose to be in the story? I understand it won't be many more, we're at the very end, but do you have any specific number in your mind? And do you plan to add some kind of epilogue in the end, just like Kkat have done?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Tue Apr 28, 2015 9:31 pm
Currently, we're expecting two more, 75 and 76, with an epilogue to be released at the same time as 76. Somber did mention that he might need to add another chapter, though.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Somber Tue Apr 28, 2015 10:12 pm
This is the shit that makes me want to stop writing.
https://www.reddit.com/r/falloutequestria/comments/33seik/is_murky_number_seven_over/cqr92nh
Is Horizons killing other fics?
https://www.reddit.com/r/falloutequestria/comments/33seik/is_murky_number_seven_over/cqr92nh
Is Horizons killing other fics?
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Vergil Tue Apr 28, 2015 10:27 pm
Nope. People read what they like and that's all there is to it. All I see there is a whole lot of nonsense.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Tue Apr 28, 2015 11:20 pm
I think the answer is in principle indeterminate. On the one hand, having a long-running Fallout: Equestria fic may tend to keep its fans interested in FoE more generally. On the other, they do take up time that might be devoted to other, new fics.Somber wrote:This is the shit that makes me want to stop writing.
https://www.reddit.com/r/falloutequestria/comments/33seik/is_murky_number_seven_over/cqr92nh
Is Horizons killing other fics?
Now, when you think about the amount of time it actually takes to keep up with PH, MN7, and Heroes, I'd guess it comes out to an average of under two hours per week. I tend to put in ~6 hours per new chapter of PH, but that's with taking notes, editing, and my rough impressions, which go much faster than the ones for chapter rereads. So I'd say that's a ceiling. Divide that over the 6-8 week per chapter average over the last year, and that gives you an hour a week. The slow updates from the other two mean they require even less. So in terms of just keeping up with the three unfinished stories from the Big Five, if they are stifling attention for FoE fics generally, it's because nobody is devoting time to Fallout: Equestria at all, in any significant quantity, and the end of those wouldn't exactly let a thousand flowers bloom. Maybe two, perhaps a bit more if there's actually a lot of enthusiasm built up when people first substitute away. Of course, it's also possible that there are a ton of people I'm not aware of who spend a lot of time thinking about, making art for, etc. those few stories. If so, as I said, I haven't seen them; it's not like Derpibooru is overflowing with PH art (there's considerably more new FoE than PH flowing in, and it's been over for almost three and a half years), and even here isn't bubbling over the way it was in 2012.
I'd also add that people latching on to longfics is something that is just going to happen in the FoE fandom. If the people in it weren't the kind of people who did that, they probably wouldn't be in the fandom. So whole classes of shorter works are facing an uphill battle on that front, and if you assume that there's only room for a few at a time, then the turnover will be slow in any case.
Lastly, I'll reiterate the point I slipped in on the thread over there yesterday: 4/5 of the members of the FoE Big Five, the stories that people were complaining about, were those that got independent postings on EQD. Guess what: I'm not aware of anyone with the clout EQD had to promote fics from the middle of 2011 to the middle of 2012. Even if other FoE stories could get that promotion now, it doesn't drive views the way it used to. In my opinion, what's needed isn't less competition, but someone with a platform to send a few thousand views at vetted stories. Basically, it's harder to get noticed than it was in the second half of 2011, early 2012. That's not just true for Fallout: Equestria. That's everyone. Oh, and it's just an anecdote, of course, but I should note that a thriving PH community here was why I gave Anywhere But Here a chance (couldn't get through the second chapter), and read All that Remains until it stopped updating, and tried with Murky Number Seven (stopped around 10 or 12, then a year or so later came back through to get caught up around 20, sticking with the updates for a couple more chapters before I just stopped again). I'd say that if anything, a stronger and more cohesive and active fanbase around any one story would make more room for others to thrive, as it would act as a way of signal boosting new things.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Valikdu Wed Apr 29, 2015 12:49 am
Somber wrote:Is Horizons killing other fics?
No, someone is just jealous. I mean, it's literally "oh no, your story is so popular, no way we can top that".
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Wed Apr 29, 2015 1:01 am
No, I don't think it needs to be reworded. Even if it were a little ambiguous (which I don't even think is the case unless reading the sentence in isolation), I think the sunrise would be worth keeping. And no matter what, I don't think you'd want to do anything that would add more length or complexity to the sentence.O. Hinds wrote:...Just checking, because your wording is a bit unclear: you got that that was actually referring to the missile's warhead detonating, right? If not, do you think it needs rewording?Icy Shake wrote:And I missed that the first time: a sunrise, just like Glory's cutie mark.
You do have a nice point about the cutie mark relation, though.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Wed Apr 29, 2015 2:27 am
[reads a bit]Somber wrote:This is the shit that makes me want to stop writing.
https://www.reddit.com/r/falloutequestria/comments/33seik/is_murky_number_seven_over/cqr92nh
Is Horizons killing other fics?
Ah, Hidden Fortune.
...
Moving on.
This, basically. I was going to type my own reply, but Vergil said it. You're not forcing anyone to read PH. You're not going around and trying to hide other stories (you have at least once, in fact, actively tried to use PH to promote other authors' stories).Vergil wrote:Nope. People read what they like and that's all there is to it. All I see there is a whole lot of nonsense.
And what Icy Shake said. Well put, Icy Shake, unsurprisingly. :)
Utterly shocking that Hidden is right there in front and I'm getting on to her again I'd better stop.Valikdu wrote:No, someone is just jealous. I mean, it's literally "oh no, your story is so popular, no way we can top that".
Ah, thanks. :)Icy Shake wrote:No, I don't think it needs to be reworded. Even if it were a little ambiguous (which I don't even think is the case unless reading the sentence in isolation), I think the sunrise would be worth keeping. And no matter what, I don't think you'd want to do anything that would add more length or complexity to the sentence.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Evilgidgit Wed Apr 29, 2015 8:43 am
Project Horizons is not killing other fanfics. What nonsense. PH and Murky are both good stories in their own ways, but I can assure you that PH is not "killing" any stories. The speed of new chapters in Murky has nothing to do with the popularity of PH, but rather how busy the author is.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Luminous Lead Wed Apr 29, 2015 10:41 am
Somber wrote:This is the shit that makes me want to stop writing.
https://www.reddit.com/r/falloutequestria/comments/33seik/is_murky_number_seven_over/cqr92nh
Is Horizons killing other fics?
It isn't fair for them to say that. Sure, maybe they DO have a slight point that other stories might get a bit more exposure after yours is done, but that's only because readers are going to feel a massive hole in their lives that PH comfortably filled for being so good, and they'll be antsy for more of the same, even if it's at a lower standard.
This is kind of how people turned heavily to fanfiction in the first place, once season 1 was done. Do we blame the show for filling fanfiction's need? No! (Well, I suppose if we consider how it might redender some fannon AU, but- NO) As you said, there are many factors that determine the popularity and growth rate of stories, and for many cases it's a matter of the author toughing it out until they hit their stride. Was your story planted at just the right time? Sure. Is it any less worthy of reading because of that? No! (I'm realize I'm echoing some of the points you made yourself, so I'm going to stop that lest I be dismissed as just an echo-chamber yes-man)
Now, I have a heavy bias towards adventure stories and I find that's what PH does best. A-la-Sturgeon's Law, there's enough garbage in Fimfiction's FOE section that most of the time it's mostly not worth picking through. The quality ones I found either haven't gone far quickly (Looking at you, A Daily Unlife), stopped updating before they COULD go somewhere (I see you there, Homecoming) or are already done (hi Guise). If I had to blame ANYTHING for the waning interest in stories, it would be the aging fandom (a lot more of us transitioning to new periods of our lives) and the oversaturation of crappy stories that makes locating the good ones like finding a needle in a cowpie.
I'm a bit personally a bit disappointed that Fuzzy's letting this rabid defamation of character go on in that subreddit given that I thought you guys were buddies, but I suppose that the guy has something more important to do than jump into internet debates. Speaking of which, Somber, while I am overjoyed that you have the self-confidence/vindication to stand up for yourself, your readers and your work, you really should know better than to feed the trolls. Trying to shame them in a public forum will only make them dig their heels in and then come back angry for round n+1; the fruit of frustration seeds itself, and nobody leaves with their honour intact. I believe you can Do Better than that.
Edit: Wow. I can't believe I posted that last bit without noticing the irony of what I was saying, though my argument still stands.
Last edited by Luminous Lead on Wed Apr 29, 2015 11:01 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Wed Apr 29, 2015 10:50 am
Went and read some of the comments, there are some good points made. Things that require a large time investment (mmos for instance) usually mean that a player can only actively play one at a time.
That being said I think the only way you could be faulted for any of that is if you were actually acting in a simpsons or anime like fashion. By that I mean intentionally dragging out the story or milking it you don't appear to be doing so.
Speaking honestly and only for myself you have by your own admission allowed the story's length to get away from you. I would be happy if the story concluded this year. Kinda hoping for the end of the summer.
The other point is something I've been wondering about or a while, is PH EQD appropriate anymore? Probably not. I think.
That being said I think the only way you could be faulted for any of that is if you were actually acting in a simpsons or anime like fashion. By that I mean intentionally dragging out the story or milking it you don't appear to be doing so.
Speaking honestly and only for myself you have by your own admission allowed the story's length to get away from you. I would be happy if the story concluded this year. Kinda hoping for the end of the summer.
The other point is something I've been wondering about or a while, is PH EQD appropriate anymore? Probably not. I think.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by ILM126 Wed Apr 29, 2015 11:01 am
Somber wrote:This is the shit that makes me want to stop writing.
https://www.reddit.com/r/falloutequestria/comments/33seik/is_murky_number_seven_over/cqr92nh
Is Horizons killing other fics?
No, I don't think it is killing other fics. When you finish this story, I'm sure another story will rise out of the massive Side Stories reserve and conquer the very competitively land of Fallout: Equestria spin-offs/side stories
So yeah, lighten up
Have a Pinkie 
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by ILM126 Wed Apr 29, 2015 11:02 am
O. Hinds wrote:Currently, we're expecting two more, 75 and 76, with an epilogue to be released at the same time as 76. Somber did mention that he might need to add another chapter, though.
The hype is almost here! I can see the train in the distance now, coming towards the station!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by atikin Wed Apr 29, 2015 12:21 pm
Somber wrote:This is the shit that makes me want to stop writing.
https://www.reddit.com/r/falloutequestria/comments/33seik/is_murky_number_seven_over/cqr92nh
Is Horizons killing other fics?
[size=40]Wow, that was a hell of a reading to do! As a newcomer who wants to get into this community, with all of its problems and issues, I had to read it till the end... [/size]
[size=40]Well, I personally think that saying PH lures away the readers from other stories is an exaggeration. Like it was already said, it's like saying the original show takes the limelight off the fanfics. Although they have a point about the story being very long and saturated with different events and ideas, but that's just how the story goes and how the author wants it to go. And there are enough people who like it that way, just as there are enough who don't. Saying it's wrong is just like saying you mustn't write at all because you might think of ideas someone else could use. Don't let people decide for you what and how to write! It's your story and your book, and it's you and only you who decide how to write your book (although it's important to not get it too saturated with different ideas too)... [/size]
[size=40]Yeah, that's a lot of envy here too. You got popular not just by your hard work but with a lot of luck, that's how the things work in our world. And that fact will always get less successful people envious. It's not wrong to be successful. Anyway, you mustn't stop yourself from success just by thinking it might come at the expanse of someone else's. Sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn't. Yeah, it's right that people who like PH would spend time to read it instead of reading something else, but there's nothing wrong with that. If someone thinks it's wrong then why write at all? Why be successful and popular? Let's just all sit down and do nothing in fear someone will be better than us, or we'll be better than others! That way no one will be successful and no one will be envious. But that doesn't work that way. There's always competition, in every sphere of our life, and those who aren't ready to face it don't worth wasting your nerves on. There will always be people who dislike you and will try to bring you down. Don't let them do it! Remember, you write for the people who like and appreciate you, and not for them. So stop paying attention to those trolls and keep moving! We're waiting for the next chapter! ;) [/size]
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by decumos Wed Apr 29, 2015 1:36 pm
Yeah, I am aslo sick of all that hate towards PH. Whenever I write somewhere about it or mention it somehow haters appear and start their routine. I mean, it's okay to dislike something, but come on, this is getting ridiculous.
And now PH is suddenly bad because it is "too popular"? I heard the same point about MLP in general: "Duuuuh, ponies are dumb, you bronies ruined everything by your ponification and shitload of fanart on every goddamn site!"
Wait... So, basically, PH-fans are "bronies" of bronies, and PH-haters are antibronies of bronies? Huh. Bronception! *loud low trailer noise*
And now PH is suddenly bad because it is "too popular"? I heard the same point about MLP in general: "Duuuuh, ponies are dumb, you bronies ruined everything by your ponification and shitload of fanart on every goddamn site!"
Wait... So, basically, PH-fans are "bronies" of bronies, and PH-haters are antibronies of bronies? Huh. Bronception! *loud low trailer noise*
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by atikin Wed Apr 29, 2015 4:30 pm
Wow, before you mentioned it I didn't even think that way! But yeah, that's pretty similar. Just hating something because it's popular and some people like it is wrong and pointless!
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Guest Wed Apr 29, 2015 6:07 pm
decumos wrote:Yeah, I am aslo sick of all that hate towards PH. Whenever I write somewhere about it or mention it somehow haters appear and start their routine. I mean, it's okay to dislike something, but come on, this is getting ridiculous.
And now PH is suddenly bad because it is "too popular"? I heard the same point about MLP in general: "Duuuuh, ponies are dumb, you bronies ruined everything by your ponification and shitload of fanart on every goddamn site!"
Wait... So, basically, PH-fans are "bronies" of bronies, and PH-haters are antibronies of bronies? Huh. Bronception! *loud low trailer noise*
Not really, no. I'm not familiar with who these people are but it does seem as if they at least read the story, if I had to guess they probably percieve the story as bad and dislike the fact that something they percieve to be bad is popular. Which is pretty different than "It's popular so it's bad".
And again not really. Having heard about MLP fans from non MLP fans it seems as if what they disliked was the constant pony presence there was for a while there. So unless you're talking about PH somewhere there trying to have a discussion about some other story in the FO:E setting (somewhere PH discussion doesn't really belong and probably isn't relevant) than it's likely not similar.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Wed Apr 29, 2015 6:35 pm
Have you tried Wasteland Bouquet? Over 195 kilowords and ongoing, last updated less than a week ago. It also has only seventy-four upvotes (to nine downvotes), so I keep trying to drum up more readers for it.Luminous Lead wrote:Now, I have a heavy bias towards adventure stories and I find that's what PH does best. A-la-Sturgeon's Law, there's enough garbage in Fimfiction's FOE section that most of the time it's mostly not worth picking through. The quality ones I found either haven't gone far quickly (Looking at you, A Daily Unlife), stopped updating before they COULD go somewhere (I see you there, Homecoming) or are already done (hi Guise).
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Thu Apr 30, 2015 12:05 am
Actually, I absolutely agree that this should be edited! I didn't realize you were looking for support.O. Hinds wrote:That, and also trying to ascertain whether the percentage of readers that didn't pick up on the hints is large enough to warrant going back and clarifying. I do think I've a bit of a preference for them being on the surface, but it's a small enough one that it might well just be because that's what I've been picturing this whole time. And even if I keep that, it wouldn't be applied in PH; I don't see anything actually wrong with the plantations being underground, and that's what Somber wants. I personally, though, don't think that the story sufficiently clearly conveys that rather significant characteristic at the moment, and I'm concerned that it's not just me (and, at least until I pointed this out, Icy Shake).
Still, so far it's me and Icy Shake not picking up on it vs. you and the rest of the writing team, so that's at least an approximately 71% success rate in the known cases.
The fact that I figured it out doesn't mean it was clear. My first mental image was of something like a greenhouse crossed with a factory, and while I soon realized what being a testbed for the Stables signified, I think we've thoroughly established that it's never actually stated outright.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Thu Apr 30, 2015 12:58 am
You're correct, there are no such ideas in Fallout, MLP, or any mythology I'm aware of, outside of the "aid in her escape" bit that Luminous Lead mentioned. It seems to be made up from whole cloth.atikin wrote:About the stars - I know there were reference to the stars in the original FoE too, but just as you guys said, Somber expanded it a lot. I wanna know where did it came from? Correct me if I'm wrong, but there's no such mythology in the series, right? I would also ask Kkat, but he doesn't always answers, and even if he does, it takes him months.
She doesn't always win, but she beats the odds more often than not. Most fiction is like that -- it's usually not a question of whether the hero is going to win, but what the victory will cost.atikin wrote:I liked how Somber predicted the future when Cognitum took Blackjack's cutie mark. It wasn't possible in the series until season 5. However, I understand that the cutie mark not always connected to the talent, as Blackjack continues to succeed even without it. Or maybe winning isn't her special talent? What kind of talent is that anyway? She can't always win, that's just impossible...
In any case, I'm not at all sure that Cogs was right about her talent. There's two interesting details to remember here. First, her name is not Blackjack. It's Go Fish. She took her nickname from her cutie mark, and it doesn't necessarily signify victory unless you assume you're playing backjack. If you're trying to read the future with playing cards (Tarot?) it means something very different.
The second fact is that BJ doesn't remember her talent, which is pretty odd too. That's typically supposed to be a great moment of awakening for a pony, when they find (or come to terms with) their place in the world. BJ's talent appeared during the crisis with "Hatches", and I don't see any grand victories there. A childhood friend died in front of her, and the event was so traumatic that she has apparently repressed the events of those minutes, ot at least practices the "Don't Think About It" mantra -- she acknowledges that it happened, but her description of the event is... thin. In fact, the foals refused to speak their dead friend's name, instead renaming her Hatches, and Go Fish changed her name shortly afterward as well, as if to distance herself from the filly that lost her friend. I sort of have this sneaking suspicion that Hatches might have been very close to Go Fish, and possibly more than a friend, but that may just be my shipping goggles.
Don't see how that would be a thing. I'm currently keeping up with, what, two dozen fics? Thirty, maybe? Sure, a lot of them are more or less idle, but I wouldn't -- don't -- have a problem adding another fic to the pile if it sounds interesting and the writing doesn't make my eyeballs bleed.Somber wrote:This is the shit that makes me want to stop writing.
https://www.reddit.com/r/falloutequestria/comments/33seik/is_murky_number_seven_over/cqr92nh
Is Horizons killing other fics?
Your post was exactly right. If a lot of FoE fics don't get widely read, it's because their readers don't go tell others, "You have to read this!" To be honest, I think a lot of people believe that all FoE takes is a few interesting characters and an interesting setting, then take your big bottle of Grimdark Soda and "appwy wibewawwy," as Homestar Runner put it. That's a start, and it'll carry a reader for a chapter or two, but it misses the point. The grimdark has to exist not for its own sake, but to highlight the hope that there's light at the end of the tunnel.
But then, you could probably articulate the je ne sais quoi that makes an FoE story tick better than I could.
P.S. If this guy's fics are as incoherent as his Reddit rants, it's no wonder nobody wants to read them.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by SilentCarto Thu Apr 30, 2015 1:35 am
And if I'm going to practice what I preach, here's a list of cool fics you might wish to read!
- Fic Recommendations:
The Dresden Fillies series by psychicscubadiver (Strange Friends, False Masks, Great Power) -- Exactly what it sounds like. "Type 1" (human-meets-pony) crossover between the Dresden Files and MLP. The author is frequently accused of actually being the author of the Dresden Files, and the series is edited by some douchbag that calls himself SilentCarto.
Also, if you like Firefly, he's writing a "Type 2" (character replacement) crossover for that too. If it looks familiar at first, keep reading.
Stardust by Arad -- A Type 1 crossover with the 2012 XCOM game. Discord sends Twilight Sparkle to an Earth beseiged by an alien invasion. The XCOM alien-fighting organization promptly captures her, assuming she's a new species in the alien army.
Changelings: Gotta Love 'em All by Ausbrony -- As the name implies, a Type 1 crossover with Pokemon. Quite new, but looks good. Defeated and exposed, the Chrysalis decides the only hope for the changelings is to evacuate from Equestria entirely and go to a new land, rich in love, where nobody has ever heard of a changeling before.
Shipping and Handling by Pegasus Rescue Brigade -- You've probably heard of this one, but it bears mentioning anyway. After losing her old job, Derpy is desperate for any work in the shipping industry. When she answers an ad, she discovers that this company uses a... different definition of "shipping" than she was expecting, but a job's a job... and Dinky is friggin' adorable.
In Her Majesty's Royal Service by Sagebrush -- This one's been around for a while, but it's still a good one that I don't think has had all that much exposure. A slice-of-life sort of story about three freshly-minted trainees seeing if they have what it takes to join the ranks of the Royal Guards. I know it doesn't sound like a compelling story, but the humor and characterization are top-notch.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Icy Shake Thu Apr 30, 2015 1:47 am
Yeah. I don't remember where, but I recall once hearing that the difference between an action story and a horror story is that in the former, you're looking to see how the protagonists survive/win, while in the latter, the question is if they'll survive. It's a nice shortcut for thinking about things.SilentCarto wrote:She doesn't always win, but she beats the odds more often than not. Most fiction is like that -- it's usually not a question of whether the hero is going to win, but what the victory will cost.atikin wrote:I liked how Somber predicted the future when Cognitum took Blackjack's cutie mark. It wasn't possible in the series until season 5. However, I understand that the cutie mark not always connected to the talent, as Blackjack continues to succeed even without it. Or maybe winning isn't her special talent? What kind of talent is that anyway? She can't always win, that's just impossible...
Yeah, should have mentioned this, too. I'm tracking almost thirty stories on FimFiction. None of them are Fallout Equestria related; plenty of those are slated to be read at some point (including Wasteland Bouquet). Why? Well, most (all?) of the recommendations I see are for things that are not FoE. Also, for completed stories, mostly one-shots or short multi-chapter stories, in the 15,000-30,000 word range. And I've had an attitude for a while now where I'll jump on something if there isn't very high of a barrier (see previous range, roughly), and then keep following and reading as it updates, but will only deal with one already really long story at a time (besides Horizons). Right now, and probably for a long time, that one is This Platinum Crown, prompted by The Sweetie Chronicles.SilentCarto wrote:Don't see how that would be a thing. I'm currently keeping up with, what, two dozen fics? Thirty, maybe? Sure, a lot of them are more or less idle, but I wouldn't -- don't -- have a problem adding another fic to the pile if it sounds interesting and the writing doesn't make my eyeballs bleed.Somber wrote:Is Horizons killing other fics?
So, if I were to suggest a marketing strategy (beyond posting things wherever you can, getting prereaders and friends to signal-boost, trying to get people to review it, all that), it would be to get about the first 20-30,000 words/5-6 chapters written and edited, know how long it takes to write a chapter/publishing unit, and then release the first few chapters while announcing that you already have X updates already written, and will be releasing then at Y interval, writing ahead to keep a targeted buffer.* It's roughly what Horizon did with his Hard Reset spinoff, and was working really well until a bunch of unrelated stuff blew the plan apart. Granted, I can't say that he needed that kind of plan to get people reading, since he has his own following and plenty of people who could do effective and high-quality amplification for him, but the principle is good. Related, see the comments on the latest OMPR. There are some people there with a similar concept (like Pascoite), but for stories written out completely before publication. Obviously, that's probably an unreasonably high bar to clear for for typical FoE side story, just due to length.
Basically, you need to thread a needle. Too much backlog is intimidating, a barrier to entry, but "Incomplete" is a risk for the reader.
*And yes, that will tend to negatively affect the ability to adapt in response to reader input. Not entirely, even within the buffer, but potentially significantly. But sometimes it'll be worth it, especially if you don't have a follower base already, or someone with a platform helping you out. And it'll help you get a reputation as a reliable updater, which should be a gift that keeps on giving even past the initial story.
Last edited by Icy Shake on Thu Apr 30, 2015 1:59 am; edited 1 time in total
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by iLateralGX Thu Apr 30, 2015 1:48 am
Seems to me that the people in that thread were just itching to blame something.
The worst part is, whether or not it's actually true doesn't matter, as the next FOE fic to get really popular is going to be seen as only getting that way because PH has ended if the people's attitudes in there are any indication.
The worst part is, whether or not it's actually true doesn't matter, as the next FOE fic to get really popular is going to be seen as only getting that way because PH has ended if the people's attitudes in there are any indication.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Thu Apr 30, 2015 2:09 am
Ah, thanks; I've written Somber with your recommendation. I've no idea when he'll write back, but once he lifts the prohibition I recall him placing on this being clarified (or informs me that I misremembered and/or misinterpreted and that there was no such prohibition), I ought to be able to get it taken care of pretty easily, I think.SilentCarto wrote:Actually, I absolutely agree that this should be edited! I didn't realize you were looking for support.
The fact that I figured it out doesn't mean it was clear. My first mental image was of something like a greenhouse crossed with a factory, and while I soon realized what being a testbed for the Stables signified, I think we've thoroughly established that it's never actually stated outright.
Also, some interesting speculations in that later post about her cutie mark, I think.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by O. Hinds Thu Apr 30, 2015 3:37 am
Hidden Fortune is Hnetu, one of the main people against Somber in that thread. She was also also, some time before you joined us, very briefly an editor. That, to put it mildly, did not work out well. I don't even really like that Somber said we had to list her as a former editor on the hub page, but, well, that's his decision.
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Re: [GRIMDARK] Fallout Equestria: Project Horizons Discussion
by Luminous Lead Thu Apr 30, 2015 6:10 am
I've been reading for hours and I can't stop. Whyhaveyoudonethistome. I love/hate you.O. Hinds wrote:Have you tried Wasteland Bouquet? Over 195 kilowords and ongoing, last updated less than a week ago. It also has only seventy-four upvotes (to nine downvotes), so I keep trying to drum up more readers for it.Luminous Lead wrote:Now, I have a heavy bias towards adventure stories and I find that's what PH does best. A-la-Sturgeon's Law, there's enough garbage in Fimfiction's FOE section that most of the time it's mostly not worth picking through. The quality ones I found either haven't gone far quickly (Looking at you, A Daily Unlife), stopped updating before they COULD go somewhere (I see you there, Homecoming) or are already done (hi Guise).
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