Fallout Equestria: Nitropia

[Darkbright39]

Hello! I'm just posting my humble fanfic here as this community looks nice enough.
I read the original Fallout Equestria fic but not yet Project Horizons, though I did read Pink Eyes.
Nitropia isn't your typical FoE fic, at least I don't intend it to be. I want to do a different take on this genre, one of the important things I wanted is SHORTER chapters! (Which is easier for me since I never wrote fiction before)

I'm nowhere near Kip or FlutterAwesome's level (Broken Bonds & Project Polymorph) - but I do try and put effort.
So if anyone is interested in a story less dark then B.B. and different/shorter overall, I average 5k words per chapter and I estimate 30-ish chapters total. Though things might change as the story goes on or need arises.

The setting starts in New Appleoosa  but will mostly take place in a secluded place around the south-east of the area.
Also, my story is set during the starting days of the Original FoE and will last well past it.

I expect some folks to be interested since, who doesn't enjoy shorter chapters and straight-laced main character?

My story's Fimfiction can be found here!

(Note: Chapter 3 is gonna be worked on Soon(tm)! Proofreaders can still volunteer to help me out with previous chapters.  )

[Darkbright39]

Chapter 2 is up!

[CamoBadger]

Okay, before I start, I swear to you I'm not being an asshole or anything, I really do want to help. If I sound harsh, I apologize, and again just want to help.

I only made it through about half of the first chapter to be honest, not because it's a bad story, but just because it's hard for me to read it and understand it. 
The biggest issue is that I can't tell if you're in present or past tense because it seems to switch constantly. This causes confusion for the reader and is very jarring, not to mention being very wrong grammatically. I'd recommend going over it and choosing which tense you want it in and making sure it stays there. Fixing that will actually correct about 90% of the grammar problems I saw, and quickly make this story better and easier to read through. I can't actually point out other errors until this is fixed, simply because I'm almost sure that this problem is what has caused almost all of the other ones.

Now, this is more of a suggestion, and not really a problem, per se, it's more of a personal preference.
You do a good job describing what your characters look like, but the way you do it is clunky and tends to stop the story in its tracks. It works, don't get me wrong, but stopping to give a block of description when a character shows up can quickly ruin high-tension moments and even stall out calmer scenes. Try to pepper descriptions into a scene rather than just a massive dump to get it out of the way. Even just putting something out in a conversation works wonders and flows much better.

For example, when you're describing what Flashbang looks like, instead of waiting and putting everything in that one paragraph, you could just sprinkle in little bits of his appearance as you go through the chapter:

"28...29...30...31! Here's your share Flashbang!" he chuckled slightly as I swept the small pouch up in my dirty brown hoof.

Again, it's not a criticism or a true problem, and if you don't want to use it then don't, but in my opinion it helps make the story flow better.

Once again, sorry if this makes me sound like a giant ass, because I'm not trying to sound like that. I want to help you out however I can, and hopefully this helps a little bit.

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